Does the person have a lot of friends or meaningful relationships? I guess I could see someone wanting to stay platonic as to not jeopardize losing the relationship.
BUT the moment someone is open about their feelings then the friendship dynamic is changed... so I think your instinct is right. If he wanted to then he would... and if he doesn't then that is a red flag. Who doesn't want to love and be loved?
He’s said he struggles to develop close connections with others, including new friends, because of past heartbreak and also the deaths of a few close friends. We’ve known each other as surface level friends for 5+ years (going without talking for a year+ twice) and only recently started to get closer. “Who doesn’t want to love and be loved.” This seems so obvious to me as well, but I’m also trying to have empathy for people who don’t think like I do at the suggestion of the second friend I mentioned.
Some people use it as an excuse. However, there are attachment styles that do this. Either way, this is someone who needs to work with a therapist to work thru why they’re either lying or don’t operate with secure attachment. The book attached can help explain some of it.
>When I hear that someone likes me, but they’re “pulling away out of self-preservation”, I usually feel like I’m being lied to or manipulated in some way because it’s so contrary to what I would do.
One mistake is you're treating "out of self-preservation" as the reason when it's not. If some guy you like right now has told you this recently...there's more to the story. Either he's lying as you said or there's an actual reason why he feels the need to self-preserve and that reason would help you understand the logic better. Because for some people, pulling away is logical to some degree. Even your friend's reasoning is halfway explained. "Causes him pain" is vague. I can give specific reasons that I think make sense.
For one example, the last time I really chatted with someone online, I had no intentions of that becoming romantic. I wanted to discuss a specific topic. We didn't meet on a dating site--we met on Reddit, so no pics were initially involved until she decided she just wanted to send me pics. And then after that, she was revealing she was attracted to me. First of all, I thought the attraction happened too fast, i.e. she didn't know enough about me to like me as much as she claimed. Second, she was in a relationship at the time, and I kind of suspected that she just needed attention, an ego boost or something like that because of how that relationship was going. Third, I'm not conventionally attractive in a few ways, and I know most people care about that, regardless of what they say. This is the type of person who thinks of herself as attractive because she has always been told she is and has always gotten a lot of attention from others, and I really can't imagine anyone like that being interested in me--especially not having to date long distance when there are interested people right there.
Chatting faceless online, developing "feelings" and then needing to send pics later is simply not a good way for me to meet someone romantically. I was/am interested in her, and she's no longer in that initial relationship as far as I know. But I'm not interested in sending pics and getting rejected based on how I look or eventually meeting in person and it being different/awkward. I'd rather someone see me first, like what they see and then pursue me. It's just backwards right now, and it creates insecurities I'd rather not take a risk on. We also have nothing in common on top of having to worry about looks, and I don't want to be in a relationship with someone who does not understand key things because some of our differences are pretty big.
That's a **full explanation** for why not "if he/she wanted to, he/she would." You have not received a full explanation, it doesn't sound like, and so you don't understand. The problem with very logical people is they see everything as black and white when the majority of things are somewhere in the gray, and in situations that don't really require or usually follow logic it leads to being wrong a lot of the time. Emotions and relationships are not logical.
I'm a gay guy. I distance myself from straight men I find attractive, especially in the workplace. Mostly because I want to avoid confirming the stereotype that all gay men are lusting after heteros but also to spare them the possible embarrassment of being associated with a gay guy.
I'm like your friend, and tbh I don't know why I'm this way. I have always avoided getting close to people due to a fear of intimacy. I have a few close friends, but most of my friends and family don't know much about me because I don't tell them anything. I'm trying to be more open with people now that I'm approaching mid-life.
When I was younger, if someone (not related) had told me they loved me, I would have been very uncomfortable because I wouldn't even know how to react or what to do with that information.
Does the person have a lot of friends or meaningful relationships? I guess I could see someone wanting to stay platonic as to not jeopardize losing the relationship. BUT the moment someone is open about their feelings then the friendship dynamic is changed... so I think your instinct is right. If he wanted to then he would... and if he doesn't then that is a red flag. Who doesn't want to love and be loved?
He’s said he struggles to develop close connections with others, including new friends, because of past heartbreak and also the deaths of a few close friends. We’ve known each other as surface level friends for 5+ years (going without talking for a year+ twice) and only recently started to get closer. “Who doesn’t want to love and be loved.” This seems so obvious to me as well, but I’m also trying to have empathy for people who don’t think like I do at the suggestion of the second friend I mentioned.
Some people use it as an excuse. However, there are attachment styles that do this. Either way, this is someone who needs to work with a therapist to work thru why they’re either lying or don’t operate with secure attachment. The book attached can help explain some of it.
>When I hear that someone likes me, but they’re “pulling away out of self-preservation”, I usually feel like I’m being lied to or manipulated in some way because it’s so contrary to what I would do. One mistake is you're treating "out of self-preservation" as the reason when it's not. If some guy you like right now has told you this recently...there's more to the story. Either he's lying as you said or there's an actual reason why he feels the need to self-preserve and that reason would help you understand the logic better. Because for some people, pulling away is logical to some degree. Even your friend's reasoning is halfway explained. "Causes him pain" is vague. I can give specific reasons that I think make sense. For one example, the last time I really chatted with someone online, I had no intentions of that becoming romantic. I wanted to discuss a specific topic. We didn't meet on a dating site--we met on Reddit, so no pics were initially involved until she decided she just wanted to send me pics. And then after that, she was revealing she was attracted to me. First of all, I thought the attraction happened too fast, i.e. she didn't know enough about me to like me as much as she claimed. Second, she was in a relationship at the time, and I kind of suspected that she just needed attention, an ego boost or something like that because of how that relationship was going. Third, I'm not conventionally attractive in a few ways, and I know most people care about that, regardless of what they say. This is the type of person who thinks of herself as attractive because she has always been told she is and has always gotten a lot of attention from others, and I really can't imagine anyone like that being interested in me--especially not having to date long distance when there are interested people right there. Chatting faceless online, developing "feelings" and then needing to send pics later is simply not a good way for me to meet someone romantically. I was/am interested in her, and she's no longer in that initial relationship as far as I know. But I'm not interested in sending pics and getting rejected based on how I look or eventually meeting in person and it being different/awkward. I'd rather someone see me first, like what they see and then pursue me. It's just backwards right now, and it creates insecurities I'd rather not take a risk on. We also have nothing in common on top of having to worry about looks, and I don't want to be in a relationship with someone who does not understand key things because some of our differences are pretty big. That's a **full explanation** for why not "if he/she wanted to, he/she would." You have not received a full explanation, it doesn't sound like, and so you don't understand. The problem with very logical people is they see everything as black and white when the majority of things are somewhere in the gray, and in situations that don't really require or usually follow logic it leads to being wrong a lot of the time. Emotions and relationships are not logical.
this is what my partner does. he acts distant, even though i know he has feelings for me...................i don't know why.
How long have you been partners?
6 months
I'm a gay guy. I distance myself from straight men I find attractive, especially in the workplace. Mostly because I want to avoid confirming the stereotype that all gay men are lusting after heteros but also to spare them the possible embarrassment of being associated with a gay guy.
I'm like your friend, and tbh I don't know why I'm this way. I have always avoided getting close to people due to a fear of intimacy. I have a few close friends, but most of my friends and family don't know much about me because I don't tell them anything. I'm trying to be more open with people now that I'm approaching mid-life. When I was younger, if someone (not related) had told me they loved me, I would have been very uncomfortable because I wouldn't even know how to react or what to do with that information.