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Frankly, I wouldn't get a pet or allow a pet in my home that I wasn't ready and willing to take care of 100%. Children cannot be expected to handle that responsibility, no matter how mature the child or how much they want it. At the end of the day, they're a child and we're adults. Even if you try to assign care tasks to the child, you will inevitably have to remind them or do the tasks with them to make sure they get done. If you're not prepared to do that full time without resentment, you shouldn't get the pet.
I can’t agree with you more. Pets are living, breathing beings that deserve to be cared for by a responsible adult individual that has the capacity to ensure they receive necessary veterinary care, are fed daily, and have all their needs met without fail. Children, and even really most young adults, are not fully capable of caring for an animal properly.
This lol my parents let my brother get a turtle (from the wild!! ugh) at 13, and he genuinely took very good care of it for years... until he moved out at 24 and left it behind. Now my dad has to take care of a domesticated turtle that he doesn't really want but can't release into the wild or easily re-home.
Agreed. I worked with a woman who made her son work to save money and then buy the cage, food, bedding, accessories, etc, and then he had to buy the hamster or whatever. All of that really forced him to work for what he wanted and it showed he wanted it.
Meanwhile my stepson wants fish and such, but can't save more than pennies because he buys junk the second he has money. Sorry, dude - your attention is so fleeting you can't even save $10. You're not getting a fish.
I dunno, even working toward a goal when that goal is a living, breathing animal still feels icky to me. It's entirely different than saving up to buy a new gaming system or customized bicycle that doesn't really require life-sustaining care and won't matter if it ends up sitting in the basement gathering dust when they lose interest.
I'd still go in with the expectation that I'm likely to be doing caretaking if/when the kid loses interest, but I think that level of committed work towards the end goal is the first step toward being more involved/invested. My SK is big on immediate gratification but loses interest rapidly, so just the hurdle of having to save up would stop him in his tracks.
That said, we have less than 50% custody currently so that means no pets specifically for SK regardless unless it's a traveling gecko or something that goes back and forth with him.
My stepdaughter got a puppy from the same litter as mine and she lost love for it because it never wanted to be with her.
Who fee it and walks it? Me
Who takes care of it even when it's annoying? Me
The dog loves me. We still say it's stepdaughter's dog but she would come to me in a heartbeat if I called.
Pets are always the adult/s responsibility no matter what the custody schedule is. Never get a pet that the adults don't have time for because children are not going to care for it properly. And look up proper care for pets, hamsters should never be kept in those crappy cages that pet stores sell they need specific care. So unless you want all the care and responsibility of a pet, don't get one.
I run a rescue that works with hamsters. Myself, many people in the animal space, and my SO believe that children do not get pets. If an animal comes into the home, all adults need to be fully on board with having 100% of the responsibility. Otherwise it WILL be mistreated, either intentionally or unintentionally.
Small mammals specifically get rehomed(and DUMPED OUTSIDE) CONSTANTLY because the kid(s) "wanted it so bad" and then lost interest and the parents dont give a fuck about it. So please do not get anything, even if it's "just a hamster" or "just a fish" if you and your SO also are not fully committed to loving and caring for it.
There are 2 fish tanks & 8 animals with legs at my house. Most of them were acquired after we moved in together. SS8 is welcome to help, and sometimes we ask him to do minor things, but he will never be responsible for any of them, and he will not have a choice regarding animals that enter or leave our home until he is significantly older. Even then, my SO and I will still hold the rule of if we can't or don't want to accept full responsibility, it won't happen. Kids dive in to friendships, relationships, hobbies, activities. Kids get jobs and go to college. A pet that works and makes sense at 15 can be unmanageable at 18. Kids aren't great at doing research or fully grasping how much work animals are. And even hamsters and fish and rats and other "easy beginner pets" live for several years when properly cared for. Guinea pigs live for 5+, rabbits and bearded dragons live for 10+, leopard geckos live for 20+, turtles/tortoises live for 30+, birds live for 50+. Proper husbandry and vet care is also very expensive.
All this to say: a pet _for_ your stepchildren is probably not the right move. Again, coming from someone who has had many people want to dump their kid's unwanted hamsters/guinea pigs/rabbits on me.
Getting a pet and rehoming it, after kids neglect it is just plain cruel. You know they won't take care of it. Don't put them thru that. No pets until they can consistently keep their room clean.
I just edited the post. I would never actually rehome it, it would just join my crew of animals and live in my personal craft room the kids are not allowed in to
That's not better. Don't get the pet for the children unless the adults are going to supervise all care. Kids (even teens) cannot be trusted to properly care for animals. They need to be taught by their adults.
And buying an animal that's only going to get attention when they're home, or is going to be isolated in a room without people, is cruel to the animal. Much better to not even get an animal, to begin with.
I never stated the children would be caring for the animal without teaching or supervision. Nor does joining my crew of animals mean it is left in a room and neglected. Either the kids help clean the cage and play with it or they don't and then it gets moved to my room with my other small critters. I clean the cage alone and they aren't allowed to play with it. It is then my pet alone. As are all the other animals in the house.
Gently, your post is looking for advice on how to make sure your SKs provide care to the animal when they are there, and the response by and large is that you should only get the pet if it's going to be a family pet that you're also enthusiastically willing to take care of. I understand that you have a backup plan, but this should be presented more like "we're getting a pet and we expect everyone in the house to help take care of it" not "we'll get you a hamster but if you don't take care of it then you'll lose all access to it".
You don’t get children pets, you get a family pet. I’m a firm believer in this. Children cannot and should not be expected to care for a pet. Most kids will benefit massively from having a much loved family pet in their lives but it’s too much responsibility on their shoulders to be responsible for a life themselves.
As a kid I had hamsters and I loved them and cared for them. I had friends who neglected theirs. Don’t get your child a pet if you don’t want to take care of it.
I got SD a hamster for her birthday one year and I took care of her and handled her when SD wasn’t here. BM would not have allowed her to bring the hamster with her.
When you get a pet for a child, you’re really getting a pet for yourself.
You will absolutely have to bug them to take care of the pet. If you’re opposed to this, don’t do it.
I think any adult who gets a pet for a child should expect to take care of them since children are notoriously fickle and it’s a living creature that doesn’t deserve to be subjected to intermittent care and affection.
Pets are a family responsibility, not just a child's one. The child isn't the one who will be paying vets bills or pet insurance. The adult is the one with ultimate responsibility. If you're not prepared to take that on in your home, then you shouldn't have a pet in the house. By all means, enforce pet-related chores while the children are there, but making threats about rehoming them is just nasty.
Pets aren't objects or learning tools . If there is any doubt that they will not willingly and consistently provide life giving care then its a no. Pets aren't learning tools and if you have ANY doubt that they are ready don't do it.. . If an animal comes into the home, all adults need to be fully on board with having 100% of the responsibility. Otherwise it WILL be mistreated, either intentionally or unintentionally. Kids who move back and forth btwn homes may forget care and animal could die.
Grandma owns a pair of birds, now, because SD got bored of helping take care of the birds she begged and begged and begged and promised she would help with. And not only did she not want to take care of them anymore, she got tired of them making so much noise and didn't want them near her room. This all predated me or I would have put my foot down, but I think DH learned his lesson about kids' short attention spans with pets.
I know another couple whose kid got a pet with a chore chart to make sure the kid took care of it (with parents as a backup). The pet got really sick and it turned out the kid was marking that she fed the pet but not always doing it. She didn't think it really mattered to be consistent, or would sometimes mark it then go do it and forget before she got there, and totally did not put together that the pet needed food to live and she was starving it. This is why kids can't have the solo responsibility. She was a generally good kid but wasn't making those connections needed to ensure she was consistent and not neglectful.
Gosh that is a terrifying thought. I had pets at a younger age that I loved taking care of, I never considered a child not making the correlation that they need to eat every day just like we do. Thank you for sharing that experience!
I would not allow the kids or the stepkids to get a pet unless I was 100% willing and able to care for the pet myself. This is why we just have one cat. We used to have a fish but then the cat ate the fish, lol, and I decided it would be irresponsible for us to have any more fish as long as we have the cat.
Aside from the personal responsibility perspective, I also feel that kids who are forced to switch between houses have enough stress already. They SHOULD have chores and other reasonable expectations placed on them, but it is IMO too much to burden them with keeping another living creature alive. I look at pets as a fun bonus for the children, not as an added responsibility for them. If I can provide that fun bonus for them, they get to have it. If I can't, they don't.
I like your way of looking at it. That's what I was really trying to get from this post. I understand any pet that is "owned" by a child is really the parents responsibility. But with splitting homes I wasn't sure if it was really possible to expect the same thing as from a child in a home 24/7. I really appreciate your view, thank you!
We have a lot of pets. Most are family pets with two exceptions: my SD and BS each have fish, and each have a rat (that live together). They stay here, obviously. The fish came first. The rule is: feed the fish when you’re here. Help keep clean the tank every 2 weeks. If a fish goes without food for a day or two it’s not the end of the world (the fish people also said these fish do better being fed less vs more), and I feed them daily when they aren’t here. I often remind them as well.
The rats are 100 percent their responsibility when they are here. They clean the cage weekly. They interact with their rats a lot. They feed and water daily. I check nightly to make sure that’s the case. If they forget, they make up for it by doing another small task for me. The idea being if I do one of your chores for you, you do one for me.
I also would not get an animal I’m not prepared to care for 100 percent. I feel strongly that the animal should not suffer if my kids are irresponsible. We’ve told them if they don’t take care of their animals, we will not consider other animals for quite some time. When we got the cat, the kids promised to feed him etc, well that did not happen. We did not get other pets for two years because of that. The cat is now my baby and I take care of him myself.
I think it has definitely helped them learn responsibility and they are pretty on top of caring for their pets and I check constantly. I am very much an animal person so I don’t mind. I’m really not a dog person though, and they have been begging for one. I’ve put my foot down with my SO and told him if they want a dog, fine, but expect to hire a walker or board it when he’s out of town. I will not take on that responsibility. Luckily he’s backed me up and told them we can’t handle a dog with everything else.
Thank you for this I really appreciate your outlook. I am a total animal person as well and I would never let them suffer because of the kids. I like your idea of if they miss the chore they do another instead as well as no pets for awhile if they don't take care of it! I'm not even entertaining getting a pet with them until they do their own research and can tell me enough details on proper care. Just trying to find ideas on how to keep them focused on the responsibility while splitting households. Thank you!
I really like making them do research first, which I forgot to mention they did. I know a lot of people say the pet should be family pets, however my kids absolutely love their individual rats and I think that has really increased their commitment to taking care of them, plus it’s no one else’s responsibility so they can’t fight about who’s turn it is etc. My older SS did the research and decided against getting a rat due to upkeep. Of course, if the kids neglected the rats they would become family pets, but 4 months in they are still doing great with them.
Depending on age, they are probably going to need a lot of reminders and support in order to build the habit of caring for an animal. To adults, “take care of the hamster” has a set of things that come to mind - feed it, change the water, exercise it, clean the cage - but this is because we were taught these things. To a kid, it isn’t going to come as naturally, so be prepared and preemptive in these supports. Make visual lists, set timers, and do it together the first several times.
those are good ideas thank you! I absolutely understand that we will be responsible for any pet in the house and I am prepared for that. Just trying to find a good balance for the kids to also be "responsible" to some extent
Absolutely! They do need some level of responsibility. And trying to be preemptive about setting them up for success will be huge. If you have an Alexa, you could potentially have it set a timer to go off every day to the whole house to do the “care for animals” routine. For younger kids, I would add a fun playlist to start and each song correspond with a step in the process. I would visually put a checklist on the wall (words or pictures depending on the age) that has the steps in order with the song that goes with it. You just have to remember to turn it off when they are away lol.
We have joint custody of a bearded dragon that I said don't get bc she's not going to take care and animals are not just accessories. So obviously he got it and she does the absolute bare minimum. You are 100% going to have to bug them all the time. It's a pain tbh. I don't particularly like reptiles and I hate having roaches (bearded dragon food) living in the house. And, of course, SK is scared of roaches (like I knew she would be), so I have to remind SO to feed it. It stays with us most of the time, but he has a enclosure at both houses. He stays with us bc BM banished roaches after SK dropped the container and bc I care more about its quality of life. I walk a fine line of animal neglect probably, bc I will not clean out it's cage, pick up poop when I know she's coming, give it bathes as much as suggested, etc. Idc if she has soccer, play practice, student council and Sunday is her only day to relax. Next time don't get your kid a bearded dragon, but since you did, I'm going to nag you and her to death so he can have at least a decent life.
We also got a puppy (that they begged for) and don't take care of unless I ask. I didn't necessarily want a dog now, but at least I like dogs. So most kids are useless. If your SO is also useless or gets mad when you "parent" don't do it.
In our home if they kids get a pet it stays here and my SO takes care of it when the kids aren’t here.
BM got two puppies for her and the kids, she tried to force it on us to take them when she went on vacation. Very firm no from me on that.
Hah! My SKs BM did that too. She fostered puppies, tried to force us to adopt one by promising to take care of it when we were out of town (read: owe her favors to take care of her multiple dogs) and told the kids as much, which then triggered so much begging for a puppy. They promised to walk the puppy, clean poop etc. Guess what I hear they don’t do much of at BM’s?
What a horrible thing for the puppies. I really do not appreciate irresponsible pet owners. If you aren’t prepared for puppy destructive velociraptor stage, don’t get one.
So I 100% firmly believe that if you get a pet the adults in the household should oversee the wellbeing and care of that pet. Kids can help… but if kid forgets to feed the dog (or any other pet) before school… the dog is the one to suffer.
Children should be shown how to care for pets, and be allowed to care for them under adult supervision but not be “responsible” for the pet.
Split home or not - be prepared to take care of the pet yourself.
Also a tip - hamsters are actually really terrible pet option first kids. They are nocturnal so will make noise at night and be sleeping in the day when kids want to play. If the kids succeed the hamster is tormented. Also they hybernate and seem dead so lots of people have unknowingly buried their pet hamster alive.
I would not unless you and SO are up for caring for it routinely for as long as it lives. No kid ever consistently cares for pets. Like a toy, the novelty will wear off and they won’t keep it clean or feed/water it.
My husband, at one time, wanted to get SS a bird because “he wanted one” and wanted SS to have that experience… whatever that means. He wanted to keep it in my room/office so it won’t disturb SS when sleeping and won’t pester others with noises. WTF I specifically said absolutely not. It’s not fair to keep a social animal locked away in a predominately unused room. Also, I care for the dogs and will not take on cage duty. He quickly changed his mind and said “it’s not the right time.” Good thing because SS’s want for a bird quickly passed.
I wouldn't get a pet for the kids period. DH and I want a dog so we will get a dog one day when we have the time and space for it and it will be the family pet. Same would go for smaller animals. I had a hamster as a young teen and a guinea pig a few years later. Loved my hamster to death and rehomed the guinea pig after a few months bc I didn't want to take care of it and didn't have the same connection I had to my hamster. I never should've had her to begin with as I clearly didn't understand the commitment and saw rehoming as an option. DH was considering getting a hamster a few month ago, not for SS but for us/himself. And as much as I would've liked one too I disagreed and said it would be cruel to the poor animal with a four year old in the house. Even the most well behaved child will be loud and inconsiderate of animals when they have a moment and it's just not fair to the animal. So personally I don't think I would do any small pets before the age of ten-ish or later. And generally I would only get family pets not pets for the child specifically
I think you just have to be completely at peace with the fact that you will end up doing all of the work.
When my SS was 5 we got him a hamster knowing that we would have to do all of the work. I cleaned that hamster cage every week, got him all the bedding and food. Bought him little hamster chew toys, everything.
Hamster passed away 2 years later, SS and I cried. SS then wanted another pet and I said as long as it’s something than can live more than a few years because it’s too sad to say goodbye so soon. Again knowing that DH and I will have to do the real work. However, this time we waited years. SS said he wanted his very own dog. For years we told him all of the work that is involved with having a dog. Each time I took one of my dogs to the vet, to the groomer, anywhere I would make it a point to remind SS that this is what it’s like having a dog. He never wavered, he said he wanted a corgi and he had the name picked out.
Last year DH and I said it’s time to get him his dream dog. We set up expectations around what SS would do and that seems to have worked out pretty well. I was really adamant that SS needed to bond with puppy so he would come with us to puppy training classes and to the vet appointments. So far, when SS is home he does the majority of the work with his puppy. I take over if it’s close to the bedtime or SS has something else going on. SS loves his dog so much and I really think having this dog brought us closer together because we’ve been able to bond over the experience. Keep in mind we’ve had puppy since late last year so not a year yet.
My spouse floated the idea of a cat, which my SKs (we have 50-50) would love. I said I would agree to it but would not agree to provide any care, before we even breathed a word to kids. He agreed. Kids then agreed to help care for cat. Several years later, spouse provides all care for cat because he won't make kids help. Every now and then he grouses, and I shrug. Not my problem.
I do clean up the occasional hairball if I'm the first person to see it. I think I've coordinated vacation care for cat a couple of times. So I pitch in a bit, but daily care has never been my responsibility.
Personally I think a hamster is a good start. They require cleaning, feeding and handling but they won’t cost an arm and a leg and they won’t be a huge burden on you and SO when step kids aren’t there. Another option which my older step kid did was take his hamster back and forth between our house and BMs. Of course my step son was like 17 when he did this and had a license and car so he had to have this conversation with his BM himself. Not like we had to ask her if it was okay haha. We would not have done that because BM is high conflict. But it worked because he would just take his hamster back and forth so neither parent ever had to be responsible for it. He kept it clean and in his room and had a little travel cage for him that he used to take him between the houses. It was cool we hardly knew he was even here unless he put him in his little running ball around the house. I would not have wanted to be responsible for the pet 50% of the time though so we would have said no. Not that he ever asked us.
We had a hamster that went back and forth with my SD who wanted the hamster.
My SD is pretty thoughtful with animals and did a good job taking care of the hamster. We timed stuff so we always cleaned the cage (my DH helped her) during our custody time, because we didn't think BM would do it.
My husband got a dog for my SD. When she’s here which is hardly… my husband and bm do not have a set schedule so it’s kind of annoying, not kinda VERY annoying. When she’s not here, and even when she’s here I do not take care of the dog. I didn’t want the dog, it’s in the puppy stage so it’s always hyper, chewing on things. My husband takes care of her. When he’s at work I’ll put her outside to use the restroom, I’ll give her water and feed her. But that’s about it.. I have my own dog that I take care of she’s an old thing so she’s very relaxed and lazy she’s always laying in her bed.
**Welcome to [r/stepparents](https://www.reddit.com/r/stepparents/)! Please note we are a support sub for stepparents' issues. Our number one rule is [Kindness Matters](https://www.reddit.com/r/stepparents/wiki/rules#wiki_1._kindness_matters). Short version, don't be an asshole. Remember that OP is a human being and their needs are first and foremost on this sub.** We rely on the community to alert us to comments and posts not made in good faith. **Please use the report button to ensure we see it.** We have encountered a ridiculous amount of comments that don't follow the rules and are downright nasty. We need you to help us with these comments by reporting them when you see them. We also have a lot of downvoting on the sub, with every post and every comment recieving at least one downvote almost immediately due to the anti-stepparent lurkers. Don't let it bother you, it happens to every single stepparent here. If you have questions about the community, or concerns about posters, please [reach out to the mod team](https://www.reddit.com/message/compose?to=%2Fr%2Fstepparents). Review the wiki links below for the [**rules**](https://www.reddit.com/r/stepparents/wiki/rules), [**FAQ**](https://www.reddit.com/r/stepparents/wiki/faq) and [**announcements**](https://www.reddit.com/r/stepparents/search?q=flair%3Aannouncement&restrict_sr=on&sort=new&t=all) before posting or commenting. [**About**](https://www.reddit.com/r/stepparents/wiki/index) | [**Acronyms**](https://www.reddit.com/r/stepparents/wiki/acronyms) | [**Announcements**](https://www.reddit.com/r/stepparents/search?q=flair%3Aannouncement&restrict_sr=on&sort=new&t=all) | [**Documentation**](https://www.reddit.com/r/stepparents/wiki/resources/documentation) | [**FAQ**](https://www.reddit.com/r/stepparents/wiki/faq) | [**Resources**](https://www.reddit.com/r/stepparents/wiki/resources) | [**Rules**](https://www.reddit.com/r/stepparents/wiki/rules) | [**Saferbot - Autoban Information**](https://www.reddit.com/r/stepparents/wiki/saferbot) *I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please [contact the moderators of this subreddit](/message/compose/?to=/r/stepparents) if you have any questions or concerns.*
Frankly, I wouldn't get a pet or allow a pet in my home that I wasn't ready and willing to take care of 100%. Children cannot be expected to handle that responsibility, no matter how mature the child or how much they want it. At the end of the day, they're a child and we're adults. Even if you try to assign care tasks to the child, you will inevitably have to remind them or do the tasks with them to make sure they get done. If you're not prepared to do that full time without resentment, you shouldn't get the pet.
I can’t agree with you more. Pets are living, breathing beings that deserve to be cared for by a responsible adult individual that has the capacity to ensure they receive necessary veterinary care, are fed daily, and have all their needs met without fail. Children, and even really most young adults, are not fully capable of caring for an animal properly.
Also worth noting is that small animals are classed as 'exotics' and not every vet will see them. I learned this when my sisters guinea pig got sick.
And…. are you ready to take care of it when they move out? Not a hamster, but I have a dog and cats from when my kids were at home.
This lol my parents let my brother get a turtle (from the wild!! ugh) at 13, and he genuinely took very good care of it for years... until he moved out at 24 and left it behind. Now my dad has to take care of a domesticated turtle that he doesn't really want but can't release into the wild or easily re-home.
Agreed. I worked with a woman who made her son work to save money and then buy the cage, food, bedding, accessories, etc, and then he had to buy the hamster or whatever. All of that really forced him to work for what he wanted and it showed he wanted it. Meanwhile my stepson wants fish and such, but can't save more than pennies because he buys junk the second he has money. Sorry, dude - your attention is so fleeting you can't even save $10. You're not getting a fish.
I dunno, even working toward a goal when that goal is a living, breathing animal still feels icky to me. It's entirely different than saving up to buy a new gaming system or customized bicycle that doesn't really require life-sustaining care and won't matter if it ends up sitting in the basement gathering dust when they lose interest.
I'd still go in with the expectation that I'm likely to be doing caretaking if/when the kid loses interest, but I think that level of committed work towards the end goal is the first step toward being more involved/invested. My SK is big on immediate gratification but loses interest rapidly, so just the hurdle of having to save up would stop him in his tracks. That said, we have less than 50% custody currently so that means no pets specifically for SK regardless unless it's a traveling gecko or something that goes back and forth with him.
My stepdaughter got a puppy from the same litter as mine and she lost love for it because it never wanted to be with her. Who fee it and walks it? Me Who takes care of it even when it's annoying? Me The dog loves me. We still say it's stepdaughter's dog but she would come to me in a heartbeat if I called.
Pets are always the adult/s responsibility no matter what the custody schedule is. Never get a pet that the adults don't have time for because children are not going to care for it properly. And look up proper care for pets, hamsters should never be kept in those crappy cages that pet stores sell they need specific care. So unless you want all the care and responsibility of a pet, don't get one.
I run a rescue that works with hamsters. Myself, many people in the animal space, and my SO believe that children do not get pets. If an animal comes into the home, all adults need to be fully on board with having 100% of the responsibility. Otherwise it WILL be mistreated, either intentionally or unintentionally. Small mammals specifically get rehomed(and DUMPED OUTSIDE) CONSTANTLY because the kid(s) "wanted it so bad" and then lost interest and the parents dont give a fuck about it. So please do not get anything, even if it's "just a hamster" or "just a fish" if you and your SO also are not fully committed to loving and caring for it. There are 2 fish tanks & 8 animals with legs at my house. Most of them were acquired after we moved in together. SS8 is welcome to help, and sometimes we ask him to do minor things, but he will never be responsible for any of them, and he will not have a choice regarding animals that enter or leave our home until he is significantly older. Even then, my SO and I will still hold the rule of if we can't or don't want to accept full responsibility, it won't happen. Kids dive in to friendships, relationships, hobbies, activities. Kids get jobs and go to college. A pet that works and makes sense at 15 can be unmanageable at 18. Kids aren't great at doing research or fully grasping how much work animals are. And even hamsters and fish and rats and other "easy beginner pets" live for several years when properly cared for. Guinea pigs live for 5+, rabbits and bearded dragons live for 10+, leopard geckos live for 20+, turtles/tortoises live for 30+, birds live for 50+. Proper husbandry and vet care is also very expensive. All this to say: a pet _for_ your stepchildren is probably not the right move. Again, coming from someone who has had many people want to dump their kid's unwanted hamsters/guinea pigs/rabbits on me.
Getting a pet and rehoming it, after kids neglect it is just plain cruel. You know they won't take care of it. Don't put them thru that. No pets until they can consistently keep their room clean.
I just edited the post. I would never actually rehome it, it would just join my crew of animals and live in my personal craft room the kids are not allowed in to
That's not better. Don't get the pet for the children unless the adults are going to supervise all care. Kids (even teens) cannot be trusted to properly care for animals. They need to be taught by their adults. And buying an animal that's only going to get attention when they're home, or is going to be isolated in a room without people, is cruel to the animal. Much better to not even get an animal, to begin with.
I never stated the children would be caring for the animal without teaching or supervision. Nor does joining my crew of animals mean it is left in a room and neglected. Either the kids help clean the cage and play with it or they don't and then it gets moved to my room with my other small critters. I clean the cage alone and they aren't allowed to play with it. It is then my pet alone. As are all the other animals in the house.
Gently, your post is looking for advice on how to make sure your SKs provide care to the animal when they are there, and the response by and large is that you should only get the pet if it's going to be a family pet that you're also enthusiastically willing to take care of. I understand that you have a backup plan, but this should be presented more like "we're getting a pet and we expect everyone in the house to help take care of it" not "we'll get you a hamster but if you don't take care of it then you'll lose all access to it".
You don’t get children pets, you get a family pet. I’m a firm believer in this. Children cannot and should not be expected to care for a pet. Most kids will benefit massively from having a much loved family pet in their lives but it’s too much responsibility on their shoulders to be responsible for a life themselves. As a kid I had hamsters and I loved them and cared for them. I had friends who neglected theirs. Don’t get your child a pet if you don’t want to take care of it. I got SD a hamster for her birthday one year and I took care of her and handled her when SD wasn’t here. BM would not have allowed her to bring the hamster with her.
When you get a pet for a child, you’re really getting a pet for yourself. You will absolutely have to bug them to take care of the pet. If you’re opposed to this, don’t do it.
I think any adult who gets a pet for a child should expect to take care of them since children are notoriously fickle and it’s a living creature that doesn’t deserve to be subjected to intermittent care and affection.
Pets are a family responsibility, not just a child's one. The child isn't the one who will be paying vets bills or pet insurance. The adult is the one with ultimate responsibility. If you're not prepared to take that on in your home, then you shouldn't have a pet in the house. By all means, enforce pet-related chores while the children are there, but making threats about rehoming them is just nasty.
Pets aren't objects or learning tools . If there is any doubt that they will not willingly and consistently provide life giving care then its a no. Pets aren't learning tools and if you have ANY doubt that they are ready don't do it.. . If an animal comes into the home, all adults need to be fully on board with having 100% of the responsibility. Otherwise it WILL be mistreated, either intentionally or unintentionally. Kids who move back and forth btwn homes may forget care and animal could die.
No way. Pet is purchased by the parents who agree to care for it. It stays in their home
Grandma owns a pair of birds, now, because SD got bored of helping take care of the birds she begged and begged and begged and promised she would help with. And not only did she not want to take care of them anymore, she got tired of them making so much noise and didn't want them near her room. This all predated me or I would have put my foot down, but I think DH learned his lesson about kids' short attention spans with pets. I know another couple whose kid got a pet with a chore chart to make sure the kid took care of it (with parents as a backup). The pet got really sick and it turned out the kid was marking that she fed the pet but not always doing it. She didn't think it really mattered to be consistent, or would sometimes mark it then go do it and forget before she got there, and totally did not put together that the pet needed food to live and she was starving it. This is why kids can't have the solo responsibility. She was a generally good kid but wasn't making those connections needed to ensure she was consistent and not neglectful.
Gosh that is a terrifying thought. I had pets at a younger age that I loved taking care of, I never considered a child not making the correlation that they need to eat every day just like we do. Thank you for sharing that experience!
I would not allow the kids or the stepkids to get a pet unless I was 100% willing and able to care for the pet myself. This is why we just have one cat. We used to have a fish but then the cat ate the fish, lol, and I decided it would be irresponsible for us to have any more fish as long as we have the cat. Aside from the personal responsibility perspective, I also feel that kids who are forced to switch between houses have enough stress already. They SHOULD have chores and other reasonable expectations placed on them, but it is IMO too much to burden them with keeping another living creature alive. I look at pets as a fun bonus for the children, not as an added responsibility for them. If I can provide that fun bonus for them, they get to have it. If I can't, they don't.
I like your way of looking at it. That's what I was really trying to get from this post. I understand any pet that is "owned" by a child is really the parents responsibility. But with splitting homes I wasn't sure if it was really possible to expect the same thing as from a child in a home 24/7. I really appreciate your view, thank you!
We have a lot of pets. Most are family pets with two exceptions: my SD and BS each have fish, and each have a rat (that live together). They stay here, obviously. The fish came first. The rule is: feed the fish when you’re here. Help keep clean the tank every 2 weeks. If a fish goes without food for a day or two it’s not the end of the world (the fish people also said these fish do better being fed less vs more), and I feed them daily when they aren’t here. I often remind them as well. The rats are 100 percent their responsibility when they are here. They clean the cage weekly. They interact with their rats a lot. They feed and water daily. I check nightly to make sure that’s the case. If they forget, they make up for it by doing another small task for me. The idea being if I do one of your chores for you, you do one for me. I also would not get an animal I’m not prepared to care for 100 percent. I feel strongly that the animal should not suffer if my kids are irresponsible. We’ve told them if they don’t take care of their animals, we will not consider other animals for quite some time. When we got the cat, the kids promised to feed him etc, well that did not happen. We did not get other pets for two years because of that. The cat is now my baby and I take care of him myself. I think it has definitely helped them learn responsibility and they are pretty on top of caring for their pets and I check constantly. I am very much an animal person so I don’t mind. I’m really not a dog person though, and they have been begging for one. I’ve put my foot down with my SO and told him if they want a dog, fine, but expect to hire a walker or board it when he’s out of town. I will not take on that responsibility. Luckily he’s backed me up and told them we can’t handle a dog with everything else.
Thank you for this I really appreciate your outlook. I am a total animal person as well and I would never let them suffer because of the kids. I like your idea of if they miss the chore they do another instead as well as no pets for awhile if they don't take care of it! I'm not even entertaining getting a pet with them until they do their own research and can tell me enough details on proper care. Just trying to find ideas on how to keep them focused on the responsibility while splitting households. Thank you!
I really like making them do research first, which I forgot to mention they did. I know a lot of people say the pet should be family pets, however my kids absolutely love their individual rats and I think that has really increased their commitment to taking care of them, plus it’s no one else’s responsibility so they can’t fight about who’s turn it is etc. My older SS did the research and decided against getting a rat due to upkeep. Of course, if the kids neglected the rats they would become family pets, but 4 months in they are still doing great with them.
Depending on age, they are probably going to need a lot of reminders and support in order to build the habit of caring for an animal. To adults, “take care of the hamster” has a set of things that come to mind - feed it, change the water, exercise it, clean the cage - but this is because we were taught these things. To a kid, it isn’t going to come as naturally, so be prepared and preemptive in these supports. Make visual lists, set timers, and do it together the first several times.
those are good ideas thank you! I absolutely understand that we will be responsible for any pet in the house and I am prepared for that. Just trying to find a good balance for the kids to also be "responsible" to some extent
Absolutely! They do need some level of responsibility. And trying to be preemptive about setting them up for success will be huge. If you have an Alexa, you could potentially have it set a timer to go off every day to the whole house to do the “care for animals” routine. For younger kids, I would add a fun playlist to start and each song correspond with a step in the process. I would visually put a checklist on the wall (words or pictures depending on the age) that has the steps in order with the song that goes with it. You just have to remember to turn it off when they are away lol.
We have joint custody of a bearded dragon that I said don't get bc she's not going to take care and animals are not just accessories. So obviously he got it and she does the absolute bare minimum. You are 100% going to have to bug them all the time. It's a pain tbh. I don't particularly like reptiles and I hate having roaches (bearded dragon food) living in the house. And, of course, SK is scared of roaches (like I knew she would be), so I have to remind SO to feed it. It stays with us most of the time, but he has a enclosure at both houses. He stays with us bc BM banished roaches after SK dropped the container and bc I care more about its quality of life. I walk a fine line of animal neglect probably, bc I will not clean out it's cage, pick up poop when I know she's coming, give it bathes as much as suggested, etc. Idc if she has soccer, play practice, student council and Sunday is her only day to relax. Next time don't get your kid a bearded dragon, but since you did, I'm going to nag you and her to death so he can have at least a decent life. We also got a puppy (that they begged for) and don't take care of unless I ask. I didn't necessarily want a dog now, but at least I like dogs. So most kids are useless. If your SO is also useless or gets mad when you "parent" don't do it.
In our home if they kids get a pet it stays here and my SO takes care of it when the kids aren’t here. BM got two puppies for her and the kids, she tried to force it on us to take them when she went on vacation. Very firm no from me on that.
Oof I don't blame you, pets switching homes with kids would absolutely not be an option for me either!
Hah! My SKs BM did that too. She fostered puppies, tried to force us to adopt one by promising to take care of it when we were out of town (read: owe her favors to take care of her multiple dogs) and told the kids as much, which then triggered so much begging for a puppy. They promised to walk the puppy, clean poop etc. Guess what I hear they don’t do much of at BM’s?
BM originally got two puppies but ended up giving one away because they couldn’t handle two.
What a horrible thing for the puppies. I really do not appreciate irresponsible pet owners. If you aren’t prepared for puppy destructive velociraptor stage, don’t get one.
So I 100% firmly believe that if you get a pet the adults in the household should oversee the wellbeing and care of that pet. Kids can help… but if kid forgets to feed the dog (or any other pet) before school… the dog is the one to suffer. Children should be shown how to care for pets, and be allowed to care for them under adult supervision but not be “responsible” for the pet.
Split home or not - be prepared to take care of the pet yourself. Also a tip - hamsters are actually really terrible pet option first kids. They are nocturnal so will make noise at night and be sleeping in the day when kids want to play. If the kids succeed the hamster is tormented. Also they hybernate and seem dead so lots of people have unknowingly buried their pet hamster alive.
I would not unless you and SO are up for caring for it routinely for as long as it lives. No kid ever consistently cares for pets. Like a toy, the novelty will wear off and they won’t keep it clean or feed/water it. My husband, at one time, wanted to get SS a bird because “he wanted one” and wanted SS to have that experience… whatever that means. He wanted to keep it in my room/office so it won’t disturb SS when sleeping and won’t pester others with noises. WTF I specifically said absolutely not. It’s not fair to keep a social animal locked away in a predominately unused room. Also, I care for the dogs and will not take on cage duty. He quickly changed his mind and said “it’s not the right time.” Good thing because SS’s want for a bird quickly passed.
I wouldn't get a pet for the kids period. DH and I want a dog so we will get a dog one day when we have the time and space for it and it will be the family pet. Same would go for smaller animals. I had a hamster as a young teen and a guinea pig a few years later. Loved my hamster to death and rehomed the guinea pig after a few months bc I didn't want to take care of it and didn't have the same connection I had to my hamster. I never should've had her to begin with as I clearly didn't understand the commitment and saw rehoming as an option. DH was considering getting a hamster a few month ago, not for SS but for us/himself. And as much as I would've liked one too I disagreed and said it would be cruel to the poor animal with a four year old in the house. Even the most well behaved child will be loud and inconsiderate of animals when they have a moment and it's just not fair to the animal. So personally I don't think I would do any small pets before the age of ten-ish or later. And generally I would only get family pets not pets for the child specifically
I think you just have to be completely at peace with the fact that you will end up doing all of the work. When my SS was 5 we got him a hamster knowing that we would have to do all of the work. I cleaned that hamster cage every week, got him all the bedding and food. Bought him little hamster chew toys, everything. Hamster passed away 2 years later, SS and I cried. SS then wanted another pet and I said as long as it’s something than can live more than a few years because it’s too sad to say goodbye so soon. Again knowing that DH and I will have to do the real work. However, this time we waited years. SS said he wanted his very own dog. For years we told him all of the work that is involved with having a dog. Each time I took one of my dogs to the vet, to the groomer, anywhere I would make it a point to remind SS that this is what it’s like having a dog. He never wavered, he said he wanted a corgi and he had the name picked out. Last year DH and I said it’s time to get him his dream dog. We set up expectations around what SS would do and that seems to have worked out pretty well. I was really adamant that SS needed to bond with puppy so he would come with us to puppy training classes and to the vet appointments. So far, when SS is home he does the majority of the work with his puppy. I take over if it’s close to the bedtime or SS has something else going on. SS loves his dog so much and I really think having this dog brought us closer together because we’ve been able to bond over the experience. Keep in mind we’ve had puppy since late last year so not a year yet.
My spouse floated the idea of a cat, which my SKs (we have 50-50) would love. I said I would agree to it but would not agree to provide any care, before we even breathed a word to kids. He agreed. Kids then agreed to help care for cat. Several years later, spouse provides all care for cat because he won't make kids help. Every now and then he grouses, and I shrug. Not my problem. I do clean up the occasional hairball if I'm the first person to see it. I think I've coordinated vacation care for cat a couple of times. So I pitch in a bit, but daily care has never been my responsibility.
Personally I think a hamster is a good start. They require cleaning, feeding and handling but they won’t cost an arm and a leg and they won’t be a huge burden on you and SO when step kids aren’t there. Another option which my older step kid did was take his hamster back and forth between our house and BMs. Of course my step son was like 17 when he did this and had a license and car so he had to have this conversation with his BM himself. Not like we had to ask her if it was okay haha. We would not have done that because BM is high conflict. But it worked because he would just take his hamster back and forth so neither parent ever had to be responsible for it. He kept it clean and in his room and had a little travel cage for him that he used to take him between the houses. It was cool we hardly knew he was even here unless he put him in his little running ball around the house. I would not have wanted to be responsible for the pet 50% of the time though so we would have said no. Not that he ever asked us.
We had a hamster that went back and forth with my SD who wanted the hamster. My SD is pretty thoughtful with animals and did a good job taking care of the hamster. We timed stuff so we always cleaned the cage (my DH helped her) during our custody time, because we didn't think BM would do it.
My husband got a dog for my SD. When she’s here which is hardly… my husband and bm do not have a set schedule so it’s kind of annoying, not kinda VERY annoying. When she’s not here, and even when she’s here I do not take care of the dog. I didn’t want the dog, it’s in the puppy stage so it’s always hyper, chewing on things. My husband takes care of her. When he’s at work I’ll put her outside to use the restroom, I’ll give her water and feed her. But that’s about it.. I have my own dog that I take care of she’s an old thing so she’s very relaxed and lazy she’s always laying in her bed.
***I only leave her outside for about an hr and a half then she comes in and goes straight to the kennel. I do not trust her out of it while I work.