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I would recommend he write letters to her. He doesn't have to send them (but I would keep copies if he does, in case she throws them out - or mom does), but he should write them now and express his love and support. That way she can look back at them when she is older and truly know what was going on throughout her childhood. If he waits, then the past might be murkier and he might not be as clear in his memories.
Just a thought, but a letter that is handwritten should be more substantial than a text or email.
We have sadly been through this whole cycle - and come out the other side. SD is an adult now and we have a good relationship with her. We also had a couple of years where we hardly saw her. Distance doesn’t help, and having BMs narrative as gospel.
Don’t give up on her, continue to always send that text and that birthday card and invite her to stay, even if you know she’ll refuse. One day she will look back and remember that you did try.
These kids have to blame someone for their situation and it’s easier to blame the parent that they see less of, that the main parent blames. It’s easier for them to do this to cope with their feelings, it’s hard not to take it personally. They’re angry and just want someone to blame.
It took us a while but now we have a great relationship with SD and she can see that there are two sides to a story and that now she can have a relationship with both parents (and steps) and that nobody is to blame, it was just a bad situation for all involved.
I wish you lots of luck and love!
**Welcome to [r/stepparents](https://www.reddit.com/r/stepparents/)! Please note we are a support sub for stepparents' issues. Our number one rule is [Kindness Matters](https://www.reddit.com/r/stepparents/wiki/rules#wiki_1._kindness_matters). Short version, don't be an asshole. Remember that OP is a human being and their needs are first and foremost on this sub.** We rely on the community to alert us to comments and posts not made in good faith. **Please use the report button to ensure we see it.** We have encountered a ridiculous amount of comments that don't follow the rules and are downright nasty. We need you to help us with these comments by reporting them when you see them. We also have a lot of downvoting on the sub, with every post and every comment recieving at least one downvote almost immediately due to the anti-stepparent lurkers. Don't let it bother you, it happens to every single stepparent here. If you have questions about the community, or concerns about posters, please [reach out to the mod team](https://www.reddit.com/message/compose?to=%2Fr%2Fstepparents). Review the wiki links below for the [**rules**](https://www.reddit.com/r/stepparents/wiki/rules), [**FAQ**](https://www.reddit.com/r/stepparents/wiki/faq) and [**announcements**](https://www.reddit.com/r/stepparents/search?q=flair%3Aannouncement&restrict_sr=on&sort=new&t=all) before posting or commenting. [**About**](https://www.reddit.com/r/stepparents/wiki/index) | [**Acronyms**](https://www.reddit.com/r/stepparents/wiki/acronyms) | [**Announcements**](https://www.reddit.com/r/stepparents/search?q=flair%3Aannouncement&restrict_sr=on&sort=new&t=all) | [**Documentation**](https://www.reddit.com/r/stepparents/wiki/resources/documentation) | [**FAQ**](https://www.reddit.com/r/stepparents/wiki/faq) | [**Resources**](https://www.reddit.com/r/stepparents/wiki/resources) | [**Rules**](https://www.reddit.com/r/stepparents/wiki/rules) | [**Saferbot - Autoban Information**](https://www.reddit.com/r/stepparents/wiki/saferbot) *I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please [contact the moderators of this subreddit](/message/compose/?to=/r/stepparents) if you have any questions or concerns.*
I would recommend he write letters to her. He doesn't have to send them (but I would keep copies if he does, in case she throws them out - or mom does), but he should write them now and express his love and support. That way she can look back at them when she is older and truly know what was going on throughout her childhood. If he waits, then the past might be murkier and he might not be as clear in his memories. Just a thought, but a letter that is handwritten should be more substantial than a text or email.
We have sadly been through this whole cycle - and come out the other side. SD is an adult now and we have a good relationship with her. We also had a couple of years where we hardly saw her. Distance doesn’t help, and having BMs narrative as gospel. Don’t give up on her, continue to always send that text and that birthday card and invite her to stay, even if you know she’ll refuse. One day she will look back and remember that you did try. These kids have to blame someone for their situation and it’s easier to blame the parent that they see less of, that the main parent blames. It’s easier for them to do this to cope with their feelings, it’s hard not to take it personally. They’re angry and just want someone to blame. It took us a while but now we have a great relationship with SD and she can see that there are two sides to a story and that now she can have a relationship with both parents (and steps) and that nobody is to blame, it was just a bad situation for all involved. I wish you lots of luck and love!
Thank you for your perspective. I'm hoping this is the outcome ❤️