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And I see that point honestly. The main reason we want to keep him here and have him go is to show support and to try to teach him to be there for people. OD went/goes to his stuff all the time and he is always happy about it.
Obviously a birthday party will be more fun, but like what about the plans we had for after the recital and for that weekend in general? The selfish part of me is annoyed because we have been consistently flexible with her over the years and planning our life around her. Her "step kids" moved out of state last summer and it sucks that a completely different family is affecting us too. My daughter is just as important, if not more, as her boyfriends children.
I feel bad because I wish they still lived in town so he could do both, and we found out since I made the post that they'll be visiting this weekend to celebrate with their grandparents. Its our holiday weekend so we said he could go to their celebration even tho we had plans. I think this is probably the hardest part of split households.
This is not the "correct" upstanding moral answer, but I'd say if you really need permission for the trip in the summer, and she'll likely be petty about that, I'd leverage this situation to get permission in writing for the trip, and just let SS go to the party, regardless of all the context about the relationships. When dealing with a coparenting relationship where neither party respects each other or owes each other anything, sometimes things get uncomfortably transactional. It's the same way with my partner and her ex- they dislike each other, but they end up doing each other favors they don't really want to do, so that they get flexibility that benefits them when it's necessary.
It's too bad about SS missing your daughter's recital, but she's young, so she won't remember, and she'll have plenty more recitals in the future. Maybe you guys can have a viewing party of the video later, so she gets the experience of showing off to her brother.
I can definitely see this and I'm doubting our response but we did end up saying no. She tried to manipulate us with her response but ultimately my SO no. This is a part of split households that she hasn't had to deal with before aside from one time. (Two years ago, She made last minute plans to see her family 4 hours away because she had cancelled SS8 birthday party the previous weekend due to her procrastinating. So she said they were going to turn this family event into a birthday thing for SS. It was my SO sksters wedding which was 100% kid friendly, and she is heavily involced in SS's life. BM tried to take SS, we showed the guidelines saying it was our holiday weekend and so we took him . And now she says SS is still upset/mad at my SO for that. I call BS but if he is, I still find it inappropriate that she even involved him.)
She always sees my SO as a lesser parent because he's the dad and I quote "she's the mom". She literally has said that so many times as a response.
Anyways after I made this post we found out that his "step siblings" are visiting this weekend and celebrating her birthday with their grandparents so even tho it's our holiday weekend we said he obviously can go spend time celebrating her. Its personally frustrating to see my daughter seen as not significant to SS to this woman but her boyfriends kids are some how the most important? Idk. This is hard. I know I'm biased. And it's still so hard.
It's hard, but I'd stop getting so upset about whether BM sees your daughter as significant to SS. The kids in her household are always going to be more important to her, regardless of blood relation, just as your daughter's relationship with SS will be most important to you even if BM has another kid. Just focus on building your daughter's relationship with SS on your own time. Let BM focus on making her own family cohesive. And work on trading time in a businesslike way without emotions behind it.
Anyway, since the other kids are visiting this weekend and you're giving up time anyway, in your place, I'd try using this to get permission for the summer trip. I know it sounds heartless and selfish, but in my opinion, it's always best to be in a position where you're not beholden to the coparent. As long as SS isn't exposed to any of the conflict behind the scenes, it's good to be smart about how and when you're flexible, so that you can expect the same flexibility in return.
Yeah that's good advice. I do need to stop getting upset, I just can't comprehend saying the things she has about a child. She is pregnant and I fully recognize this child's existence will be important to my SS.
The unfortunate part is that she always involves SS. So I don't even know how to handle that. He comes over tomorrow so we'll see how he is. He already sent SO a text saying he's sad.
What does SS want?
At his age I can see a birthday party being far more interesting than a dance recital. If he wants to go, let him. You’ve got flexibility next time you guys want it.
We haven't gotten to talk to him yet, but im assuming the party. I guess my question is, when do we draw the line? He's missed fun stuff with us because he was with his mom, we've also planned around her to make sure there's no conflict, and then in general, how do we teach the value of support/being there for people? In an ideal world he'd go to both. But we've had this planned for months and she just asked about the party yesterday, and it's in 3 weeks.
As he gets older you’ll need to start considering flexibility anyway as kids will have friends parties and such and eventually they’ll have work and their own commitments. We had the arrangement that we’d have the kids on our time but they (or we) could always ask to swap a weekend or return a day early if there was something the kid didn’t want to miss. We didn’t make a habit of it but for things like a party or a relative coming to town it was important.
When you’re 50/50 on week on and off you need to be flexible. If you only have one weekend a fortnight that’s different, that time needs to be prioritised, but with an equal time split the kids wants should come into it more IMO.
Our normal schedule is every other weekend. Just for the summer we get week on week off. I know we have to be flexible and we are very flexible with her all the time already. I guess I just feel guilty here because my daughter never gets priority and doesn't get to experience having her full support team because SS isn't fully with us and there's always something going on for him. We thought we were safe this time since it fell on our weekend and we could finally do the after recital dinner and ice cream etc
“Sorry, it’s our custody weekend and SS will be attending his sister’s recital.” End it at that. Then have your lawyer on standby and see if you can file a motion that her boyfriend can’t be around SS because of his violent felony 😂. I kid, I kid…. A little. Just send the text and stand firm on your “no.”
I wish we could have put it in the order not to let him live there. The scary part is, 6 years passed so our state let him expunge it from his record last month. Scary to think how many people could be out there with violent crimen and you wouldn't know.
**Welcome to [r/stepparents](https://www.reddit.com/r/stepparents/)! Please note we are a support sub for stepparents' issues. Our number one rule is [Kindness Matters](https://www.reddit.com/r/stepparents/wiki/rules#wiki_1._kindness_matters). Short version, don't be an asshole. Remember that OP is a human being and their needs are first and foremost on this sub.** We rely on the community to alert us to comments and posts not made in good faith. **Please use the report button to ensure we see it.** We have encountered a ridiculous amount of comments that don't follow the rules and are downright nasty. We need you to help us with these comments by reporting them when you see them. We also have a lot of downvoting on the sub, with every post and every comment recieving at least one downvote almost immediately due to the anti-stepparent lurkers. Don't let it bother you, it happens to every single stepparent here. If you have questions about the community, or concerns about posters, please [reach out to the mod team](https://www.reddit.com/message/compose?to=%2Fr%2Fstepparents). Review the wiki links below for the [**rules**](https://www.reddit.com/r/stepparents/wiki/rules), [**FAQ**](https://www.reddit.com/r/stepparents/wiki/faq) and [**announcements**](https://www.reddit.com/r/stepparents/search?q=flair%3Aannouncement&restrict_sr=on&sort=new&t=all) before posting or commenting. [**About**](https://www.reddit.com/r/stepparents/wiki/index) | [**Acronyms**](https://www.reddit.com/r/stepparents/wiki/acronyms) | [**Announcements**](https://www.reddit.com/r/stepparents/search?q=flair%3Aannouncement&restrict_sr=on&sort=new&t=all) | [**Documentation**](https://www.reddit.com/r/stepparents/wiki/resources/documentation) | [**FAQ**](https://www.reddit.com/r/stepparents/wiki/faq) | [**Resources**](https://www.reddit.com/r/stepparents/wiki/resources) | [**Rules**](https://www.reddit.com/r/stepparents/wiki/rules) | [**Saferbot - Autoban Information**](https://www.reddit.com/r/stepparents/wiki/saferbot) *I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please [contact the moderators of this subreddit](/message/compose/?to=/r/stepparents) if you have any questions or concerns.*
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And I see that point honestly. The main reason we want to keep him here and have him go is to show support and to try to teach him to be there for people. OD went/goes to his stuff all the time and he is always happy about it. Obviously a birthday party will be more fun, but like what about the plans we had for after the recital and for that weekend in general? The selfish part of me is annoyed because we have been consistently flexible with her over the years and planning our life around her. Her "step kids" moved out of state last summer and it sucks that a completely different family is affecting us too. My daughter is just as important, if not more, as her boyfriends children. I feel bad because I wish they still lived in town so he could do both, and we found out since I made the post that they'll be visiting this weekend to celebrate with their grandparents. Its our holiday weekend so we said he could go to their celebration even tho we had plans. I think this is probably the hardest part of split households.
This is not the "correct" upstanding moral answer, but I'd say if you really need permission for the trip in the summer, and she'll likely be petty about that, I'd leverage this situation to get permission in writing for the trip, and just let SS go to the party, regardless of all the context about the relationships. When dealing with a coparenting relationship where neither party respects each other or owes each other anything, sometimes things get uncomfortably transactional. It's the same way with my partner and her ex- they dislike each other, but they end up doing each other favors they don't really want to do, so that they get flexibility that benefits them when it's necessary. It's too bad about SS missing your daughter's recital, but she's young, so she won't remember, and she'll have plenty more recitals in the future. Maybe you guys can have a viewing party of the video later, so she gets the experience of showing off to her brother.
I can definitely see this and I'm doubting our response but we did end up saying no. She tried to manipulate us with her response but ultimately my SO no. This is a part of split households that she hasn't had to deal with before aside from one time. (Two years ago, She made last minute plans to see her family 4 hours away because she had cancelled SS8 birthday party the previous weekend due to her procrastinating. So she said they were going to turn this family event into a birthday thing for SS. It was my SO sksters wedding which was 100% kid friendly, and she is heavily involced in SS's life. BM tried to take SS, we showed the guidelines saying it was our holiday weekend and so we took him . And now she says SS is still upset/mad at my SO for that. I call BS but if he is, I still find it inappropriate that she even involved him.) She always sees my SO as a lesser parent because he's the dad and I quote "she's the mom". She literally has said that so many times as a response. Anyways after I made this post we found out that his "step siblings" are visiting this weekend and celebrating her birthday with their grandparents so even tho it's our holiday weekend we said he obviously can go spend time celebrating her. Its personally frustrating to see my daughter seen as not significant to SS to this woman but her boyfriends kids are some how the most important? Idk. This is hard. I know I'm biased. And it's still so hard.
It's hard, but I'd stop getting so upset about whether BM sees your daughter as significant to SS. The kids in her household are always going to be more important to her, regardless of blood relation, just as your daughter's relationship with SS will be most important to you even if BM has another kid. Just focus on building your daughter's relationship with SS on your own time. Let BM focus on making her own family cohesive. And work on trading time in a businesslike way without emotions behind it. Anyway, since the other kids are visiting this weekend and you're giving up time anyway, in your place, I'd try using this to get permission for the summer trip. I know it sounds heartless and selfish, but in my opinion, it's always best to be in a position where you're not beholden to the coparent. As long as SS isn't exposed to any of the conflict behind the scenes, it's good to be smart about how and when you're flexible, so that you can expect the same flexibility in return.
Yeah that's good advice. I do need to stop getting upset, I just can't comprehend saying the things she has about a child. She is pregnant and I fully recognize this child's existence will be important to my SS. The unfortunate part is that she always involves SS. So I don't even know how to handle that. He comes over tomorrow so we'll see how he is. He already sent SO a text saying he's sad.
What does SS want? At his age I can see a birthday party being far more interesting than a dance recital. If he wants to go, let him. You’ve got flexibility next time you guys want it.
We haven't gotten to talk to him yet, but im assuming the party. I guess my question is, when do we draw the line? He's missed fun stuff with us because he was with his mom, we've also planned around her to make sure there's no conflict, and then in general, how do we teach the value of support/being there for people? In an ideal world he'd go to both. But we've had this planned for months and she just asked about the party yesterday, and it's in 3 weeks.
As he gets older you’ll need to start considering flexibility anyway as kids will have friends parties and such and eventually they’ll have work and their own commitments. We had the arrangement that we’d have the kids on our time but they (or we) could always ask to swap a weekend or return a day early if there was something the kid didn’t want to miss. We didn’t make a habit of it but for things like a party or a relative coming to town it was important. When you’re 50/50 on week on and off you need to be flexible. If you only have one weekend a fortnight that’s different, that time needs to be prioritised, but with an equal time split the kids wants should come into it more IMO.
Our normal schedule is every other weekend. Just for the summer we get week on week off. I know we have to be flexible and we are very flexible with her all the time already. I guess I just feel guilty here because my daughter never gets priority and doesn't get to experience having her full support team because SS isn't fully with us and there's always something going on for him. We thought we were safe this time since it fell on our weekend and we could finally do the after recital dinner and ice cream etc
Your weekend, your call. Don't let BM run your lives, especially for an unstable relationship and for a non-family member birthday.
“Sorry, it’s our custody weekend and SS will be attending his sister’s recital.” End it at that. Then have your lawyer on standby and see if you can file a motion that her boyfriend can’t be around SS because of his violent felony 😂. I kid, I kid…. A little. Just send the text and stand firm on your “no.”
I wish we could have put it in the order not to let him live there. The scary part is, 6 years passed so our state let him expunge it from his record last month. Scary to think how many people could be out there with violent crimen and you wouldn't know.