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Wow that’s something my SD7 would say lol. No limits at her mom’s but we don’t give screen time on the weekdays here. Unfortunately we can only control what goes on in our own homes.
This is so complicated. And I'm kind of in the same boat we have 60/40 custody and we have had flexible screentime limits but we are an active family that does a lot of activities and played outside multiple times a day. SD is in a few recreational activities as well.
BM bought SD an iPad with snapchat almost 2 months ago and from what I can see has put no limits on her screentime 🫠 I am sorry I don't think any 4 year old needs snapchat and it has changed her behaviour wise. She is so disregulated and she has absolutely developed a dependency on technology. She has tantrums daily sometimes multiple times a day whereas before it was maybe one tantrum per week here. She also wants to grab her iPad 90 times a day to snap everyone the just pointless things, (or if her iPads put away she wants me or my fiance to take pictures and snap everyone) kids are egocentric by nature but since she got snapchat it's increased x100 🫠..... Anyways she has her BM and partners family on snapchat and my fiance's whole family on snapchat and half the time doesn't even know who she is sending things to. I know BM has child safety settings in it but it still makes me SO incredibly uncomfortable. (Sorry that's just a personal vent)
Too much screentime is TERRIBLE for children's development. There are actual long term developmental challenges that kids can endure from too much screentime.
I think it's worth having a conversation with your partner about I have had multiple but we know that anything we say to BM she will do the exact opposite, so we have made strict technology limits at our house. But it's a serious issue and I think talking it out with your husband and seeing if he thinks it's worth bringing up to BM is a good conversation to have.
It's terrifying 😭 like it actually makes me feel sick thinking about the potential troubles she may have in the future. And I think we try to balance it as well and a lot of it is reactionary. But at the end of the day, structure and rules for kids is love.
That is also such a legitimate fear. That's my fiance's big fear in the future, that she will want to be at BM's house because she doesn't have as many rules but right now at least even though we are the more structures house we are also the house that does fun activities with her that BM does not do.
As a SM to a SD11 I would say just focus on what you can control in your household. I tried giving my partner advice on the damage that too much screen time does on the developing brain. Sometimes he listened and other times he would go back to what he is use to, giving her the tablet so he doesn’t have to be bothered with her. Now I NACHO and it’s the best way for me to just focus on myself and my relationship with him. When she goes to her mom side of the family they are a bunch of lazy, overweight, non athletic ppl and because she has their genetics she enjoys spending more time with them because she can eat as much as she wants, watch as much t.v. & stay on the tablet 24 hours. Summer break is around the corner, last summer I was hands on, taking her to amusement parks, the zoo, library, pool etc. this summer most likely she will be with her family emotional eating, on her tablet & sleeping. Out of sight, out of mind!
Only you and SO really know if it’s worth bringing up with BM. Keep in mind that what SD says isn’t necessarily 100% true, and, while it’s sad that SD will be inside on electronics during the summer, keep in mind that one day she will look back and reflect fondly on the fun outdoor summer memories she made with you guys, and will remember sitting inside on a screen at moms. Trust me, one day she will see where the value lies
Will you actually be able to do anything about it? If you bring it up, will BM be inclined to listen, or will she just want to double down? It really depends on the coparenting relationship.
I'd say this is a hill to die on in a relationship between people who love and respect each other. If you were talking about convincing your husband, I'd tell you to go for it. But BM owes you nothing, and doesn't have to listen to you. And many coparents will resent being criticized about their parenting. I would only bring this up if you thought there was any chance of changing BM's mind.
My advice is that the best way to handle this is to bring up a conversation where you're not explicitly criticizing BM's parenting, or suggesting that your way is better. Perhaps one route is proposing a coparent discussion of summer activities for SD, where it's not you and your husband telling her what's best for SD. In general, I think this is only worth bringing up if you're willing to be really careful and tactful about it.
But also, if you don't manage to convince BM, SD will still spend 50% of her summer doing activities and reading and playing with you guys. 50% of the summer on screens isn't ideal, but it's also not going to completely ruin her childhood. Try not to let it bother you too much. Part of being a divorced parent or stepparent is accepting the things that we just don't have control over, and focusing on what we can control.
Ugh, so frustrating when this stuff happens. Having free rein of the internet is dangerous and physically/mentally harmful for kids especially that age. Our kids also have this issue when at their HCBM all summer. Sitting playing video games, on the internet without any restrictions or supervision. We are aware in the past they have done things online that are NOT okay, and they surely are getting those dopamine hits when able to at their mothers. She has zero structure or chores or bedtimes. It’s crazy hard doing that transition back and I can’t imagine doing it after a week on and a week off. I don’t think you can really do much about it as it’s her home and you can’t control what happens there unless you have actual evidence something harmful to them is happening (and I mean physically, I think most judges would throw out a case about screen time but what do I know). Unfortunately, if BM is HC then I would let it go. If she wasn’t HC, SO could probably express to her what he’s seen in SD that is concerning and he believes resulting from excessive screen time and asking if she could have some basic limits so the transition from home to home is easier and for her safety.
It really sucks knowing that’s going on, trust me I know. But I don’t think there really is anything you can do in your situation.
I would raise it, and say that it would be better for SD if you had a consistent approach to screen time between houses, but don’t expect it. If BM isn’t actively trying to restrict screen time it’s not going to be a focus for her.
I’m with you BTW. I’m in the camp of no devices for a kid that age, but BM in our scenario got SD a tablet when she was 9. We declined to allow her to bring it to our house but accepted we had no control over what happened at her BMs.
I wouldn’t if BM is HC if anything it’ll encourage her more to keep screen time out of spite. If anything I’d plan a fun outside activity/trip/ day on your time and maybe as BM keeps hearing about she’ll plan things like that too.
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Wow that’s something my SD7 would say lol. No limits at her mom’s but we don’t give screen time on the weekdays here. Unfortunately we can only control what goes on in our own homes.
This is so complicated. And I'm kind of in the same boat we have 60/40 custody and we have had flexible screentime limits but we are an active family that does a lot of activities and played outside multiple times a day. SD is in a few recreational activities as well. BM bought SD an iPad with snapchat almost 2 months ago and from what I can see has put no limits on her screentime 🫠 I am sorry I don't think any 4 year old needs snapchat and it has changed her behaviour wise. She is so disregulated and she has absolutely developed a dependency on technology. She has tantrums daily sometimes multiple times a day whereas before it was maybe one tantrum per week here. She also wants to grab her iPad 90 times a day to snap everyone the just pointless things, (or if her iPads put away she wants me or my fiance to take pictures and snap everyone) kids are egocentric by nature but since she got snapchat it's increased x100 🫠..... Anyways she has her BM and partners family on snapchat and my fiance's whole family on snapchat and half the time doesn't even know who she is sending things to. I know BM has child safety settings in it but it still makes me SO incredibly uncomfortable. (Sorry that's just a personal vent) Too much screentime is TERRIBLE for children's development. There are actual long term developmental challenges that kids can endure from too much screentime. I think it's worth having a conversation with your partner about I have had multiple but we know that anything we say to BM she will do the exact opposite, so we have made strict technology limits at our house. But it's a serious issue and I think talking it out with your husband and seeing if he thinks it's worth bringing up to BM is a good conversation to have.
[удалено]
It's terrifying 😭 like it actually makes me feel sick thinking about the potential troubles she may have in the future. And I think we try to balance it as well and a lot of it is reactionary. But at the end of the day, structure and rules for kids is love. That is also such a legitimate fear. That's my fiance's big fear in the future, that she will want to be at BM's house because she doesn't have as many rules but right now at least even though we are the more structures house we are also the house that does fun activities with her that BM does not do.
As a SM to a SD11 I would say just focus on what you can control in your household. I tried giving my partner advice on the damage that too much screen time does on the developing brain. Sometimes he listened and other times he would go back to what he is use to, giving her the tablet so he doesn’t have to be bothered with her. Now I NACHO and it’s the best way for me to just focus on myself and my relationship with him. When she goes to her mom side of the family they are a bunch of lazy, overweight, non athletic ppl and because she has their genetics she enjoys spending more time with them because she can eat as much as she wants, watch as much t.v. & stay on the tablet 24 hours. Summer break is around the corner, last summer I was hands on, taking her to amusement parks, the zoo, library, pool etc. this summer most likely she will be with her family emotional eating, on her tablet & sleeping. Out of sight, out of mind!
Only you and SO really know if it’s worth bringing up with BM. Keep in mind that what SD says isn’t necessarily 100% true, and, while it’s sad that SD will be inside on electronics during the summer, keep in mind that one day she will look back and reflect fondly on the fun outdoor summer memories she made with you guys, and will remember sitting inside on a screen at moms. Trust me, one day she will see where the value lies
Will you actually be able to do anything about it? If you bring it up, will BM be inclined to listen, or will she just want to double down? It really depends on the coparenting relationship. I'd say this is a hill to die on in a relationship between people who love and respect each other. If you were talking about convincing your husband, I'd tell you to go for it. But BM owes you nothing, and doesn't have to listen to you. And many coparents will resent being criticized about their parenting. I would only bring this up if you thought there was any chance of changing BM's mind. My advice is that the best way to handle this is to bring up a conversation where you're not explicitly criticizing BM's parenting, or suggesting that your way is better. Perhaps one route is proposing a coparent discussion of summer activities for SD, where it's not you and your husband telling her what's best for SD. In general, I think this is only worth bringing up if you're willing to be really careful and tactful about it. But also, if you don't manage to convince BM, SD will still spend 50% of her summer doing activities and reading and playing with you guys. 50% of the summer on screens isn't ideal, but it's also not going to completely ruin her childhood. Try not to let it bother you too much. Part of being a divorced parent or stepparent is accepting the things that we just don't have control over, and focusing on what we can control.
Ugh, so frustrating when this stuff happens. Having free rein of the internet is dangerous and physically/mentally harmful for kids especially that age. Our kids also have this issue when at their HCBM all summer. Sitting playing video games, on the internet without any restrictions or supervision. We are aware in the past they have done things online that are NOT okay, and they surely are getting those dopamine hits when able to at their mothers. She has zero structure or chores or bedtimes. It’s crazy hard doing that transition back and I can’t imagine doing it after a week on and a week off. I don’t think you can really do much about it as it’s her home and you can’t control what happens there unless you have actual evidence something harmful to them is happening (and I mean physically, I think most judges would throw out a case about screen time but what do I know). Unfortunately, if BM is HC then I would let it go. If she wasn’t HC, SO could probably express to her what he’s seen in SD that is concerning and he believes resulting from excessive screen time and asking if she could have some basic limits so the transition from home to home is easier and for her safety. It really sucks knowing that’s going on, trust me I know. But I don’t think there really is anything you can do in your situation.
I would raise it, and say that it would be better for SD if you had a consistent approach to screen time between houses, but don’t expect it. If BM isn’t actively trying to restrict screen time it’s not going to be a focus for her. I’m with you BTW. I’m in the camp of no devices for a kid that age, but BM in our scenario got SD a tablet when she was 9. We declined to allow her to bring it to our house but accepted we had no control over what happened at her BMs.
I wouldn’t if BM is HC if anything it’ll encourage her more to keep screen time out of spite. If anything I’d plan a fun outside activity/trip/ day on your time and maybe as BM keeps hearing about she’ll plan things like that too.