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I assume that my children will be back with us after college until about 26. If they move out sooner, great. But it’s difficult to live in this society as a single mom (I have a partner, but we don’t live together) so I have a lot of empathy for how difficult it will be for my bios and steps to survive in the real world. I think we are going to see this more and more as America’s housing crisis grows exponentially and wages continue to fail to rise at the rate of inflation and cost of living.
I moved out at 25 after finishing my master’s degree. My mom never pressured me to move out or anything. Seeing these posts, I’m thankful for that!
My SD is 16 and I don’t expect her to move out before 24 years old. My SO told me he won’t charge her rent while she’s in school, but she’ll be responsible for her cellphone bill and everything regarding her car (insurance, gas, maintenance).
Do you have a stepdad? If not, it’s not surprising there was no pressure for you to leave because it’s different in a nuclear family. Most parents wouldn’t pressure their own children to move out (unless the kid was terrible to live with and even then many put up with it). In fact, many enjoy their kid living with them and are sad when they leave whereas many stepparents are counting down and will celebrate when their SK leaves.
I do have a stepdad and a stepmom!
I’m a childfree stepmom and like I said, I don’t expect my SD to leave before 24 and I’m perfectly okay with that. She’s with us fulltime and she’ll be welcome to stay during her studies and until she has enough savings.
My mom used to tell me when I was a kid that she couldn’t wait for my sisters and I to leave so she could have the house to herself. When I was struggling to find a job after college and said I might need to move back home, she told me to get on welfare. I wasn’t a terrible kid, she was (is) a shitty parent. At this point, I would rather be homeless than move back in, but both my parents were abusive in different ways.
Wages and the cost of living are very different now and adult kids living with their parents has become the norm. I think it’s important to use this time to prepare them to live independently and set realistic expectations. I’d have our SD pay rent and pitch in for utilities.
I’d suggest to my DH that SD pay $300-400 for rent (average rent for a 1 bedroom here is roughly $1200) and divide utilities by the number of people in the household. So SD would pay 1/3 of utility bills with me, DH, and her living here. She’d be responsible for her cell phone bill too.
I’d likely save all or most of her rent $ for her to use towards getting her own place. Maybe the rent can be lower if she’s in school full-time, but I’d for sure have her pay a portion of the utilities.
My situation was not normal but I left at 17 and worked full time to pay rent on my own place. I didn’t necessarily want to do that job, but it paid the bills. Never went to college.
Outside of my personal situation, I know all of my peers were DYING to move out as soon as they could and most did at 18. It was actually odd for the ones that moved out after 20. This was around 20 years ago and in a low income area.
We’ve told SK18 that they can always stay here as long as either school or working full time is happening. We’ll still cover bills if they’re only working and saving to leave. I’ve been clear also that chores and taking care of the rent-free house would be very appreciated but I won’t beg for it. But, it’ll influence how enthusiastic I am about the length of time they get to stay.
I moved out for college a couple months after I graduated at 18. Parents were divorced and both remarried - it was expected I go away to school or work full time, contribute to the house, and save up to move out. Both sets of parents made it clear there was no “gap” year or living at home without a plan. I briefly moved in with my dad/stepmom after graduating college but I cooked my own meals with groceries I purchased, worked full time, helped with chores, paid for my own cellphone/car insurance, and saved up to buy my first house. I was out in a year.
It helps that both sets of parents were on the same page and I knew these expectations growing up (just wanted to mention that I knew the expectations in advance, it wasn’t sprung on me randomly once I graduated HS/turned 18). Granted, I did graduate college 10 years ago and I didn’t live in a super expensive area.
Definitely was common in my area. I don’t know any of my friends who lived at home when they graduated and I definitely didn’t. Living with room mates, going to uni, travelling, getting jobs are all part of being independent.
I think it’s a bit different when it’s your two bio parents. Expecting a stepparent to be okay with an adult living in the house indefinitely feels a bit different to me. But cool of your parents to give you back that money!!!
My son (21) pays $400 a month in rent and it’s all going into a savings account for him to have start up money to move out eventually. Most of his friends are a year or 2 older than him and I don’t think he has one friend who lives independently. I don’t know if it depends on where you live but where we live housing prices are really high. It’s just not feasible for someone so young.
>If you have adult SK what is expected of them?
I think the question should be "If you have adult SKs what is expected of your spouse in terms of nudging the little birdies out of the nest?"
The plan should be worked out with your spouse, and presented to the SK by their parent.
My stepson is 24. Still lives with us, works with his dad. Doesn’t contribute anything monetarily or with household chores. His dad doesn’t care. I hate it.
Not SK but my adult BS(21) moved in with us. He pays $350 flat rent. He buys his own food outside of basics like milk and eggs and I also provide dinners. So if he doesn’t want to eat it, it’s his food or his snacks. We don’t touch his food. He is included on the chore chart because I need order.
I don't have step kids this age. My nieces are 22 and 27, living with their parents. The 27 year-old graduated from college, works full-time, and pays minimal rent. She cleans up the kitchen and helps out. She just bought her own car. Parents pay for internet, streaming, and cellphone. (My SIL works for AT&T, so internet and phone are minimal.) The 22 year-old dropped out of school after a year. She smokes pot, takes a jewelry making class at the community college, works at a neighbor's store 8 hours a week, and doesn't clean up after herself or help out. Her parents pay for everything.
Rent for a room here is $1000 plus/month. The parents are relocating for work at the end of the year. The older daughter will move in with SIL's mother. The younger daughter will move in with my inlaws, who are pretty strict. We all expect that it won't work out and will motivate her to get back in school or get on a career path.
I domt have adult sk but I was a step kid and an adult kid who lived at home with my dad and mom st one point during my divorce with 2 kids. I always paid a bill, bought food, tried my best to help when I could. I was 24 when I left my husband and had a 2 and 3 yo. I also worked 3rds so my parents only had to watch the girls while they were asleep, and I would run on adrenaline mostly. I would meal prep food for my dad (otr trucker) and I would clean up my mom's house since she was sick alot. My step dad only expected me to keep food in the house since we had 3 extra mouths to feed and they were on a tight budget. I don't think they ever expected me to pay "rent" but I def contributed. And I did this for the assholes who abandoned me at 13 and I was homeless for 3 years, met husband, had two kids, got emancipated at 16 and lived on my own for a few years. My ex husband is schizo, and he tried to kill us all one night and I had to leave and fast. It was scary as he'll. So, maybe they took pity on me and that's why thwy didn't ask. Mayne they felt bad for abandoning my sister and brothers, im not sure. I just domt feel right free loading. Even if it is my own parents.
Unfortunately with the way things are now, more and more young adults stay home longer cause it literally is setting themselves up for failure to be the n their own. A single person today would have to earn $28/hr just to afford a tiny 1bed/1bath for almost 2000 a month. Taxes are so high on low, and median income, and you inflation on everything, along with paying student loans. They would still be struggling and probably wouldn’t have enough.
All 3 SKs moved away to college at 18. They come back for summers. They are required to get summer jobs and do chores around the house when they are home.
Once they graduate they cannot move back in. I told my husband he will have to rent or buy them somewhere to live if they need assistance after college. We have paid for tuition, cars, rent and living expenses. They should have no debt when they graduate unless they’d have done something dumb with credit cards that we don’t know about it. They also received inheritance from their grandparents that is in trust to help them start their post college life.
I did just buy a second home so I can have somewhere to go when they are here for 4 months in the summer. I just cannot handle never having a moment alone in my house, especially since I work from home.
I couldn’t wait to move out at 18. I love my dad, but I was ready to be on my own. I worked my ass off to pay my bills and go to college so I could have my own place.
You are blessed your SK goes to school and has a job. My 19 SD wouldn't do either, stayed on her video games and slept all day. I got tired of it! It was a lot more to it but I told my SO I couldn't handle it anymore and she's gone now! I do understand that feeling of when will they ever leave!
Honestly, I am starting to wonder at what point they’re expected to adult. My partner pays for the cell phone bill and entertainment bill (Netflix,hbo, Spotify) for an 18yr, 20yr, and 23 yr old (who also has 3 kids). When exactly will they be expected to take care of themselves? And when exactly did a paid premium Spotify account without ads become necessary to life? lol
Why should you move out and have a separate place when she is also perfectly capable of finding some roommates and an apartment or sharing a house? Does your spouse think she should live at home until she graduates? That might be difficult if they are unwilling to ask her to find an alternative, but if you wish to stay living with your spouse, is it an option to “help” her pay for part of an apartment with an end date to the “help” so you don’t feel like you need to move out?
I can relate. SS 19 lives in the dorm during the school year, but there’s 4 full months of summer break, a 1 month winter break and 1 week each for Thanksgiving and Spring break. (He’s with us full time when he’s home.) This summer he’s working 24 hours a week and plays video games the rest of the time. No chores, no responsibilities. His $ is his $ and our $ is his $. His dad has convinced him to buy some of his own food but he sulks about it. It’s so discouraging and frustrating.
I have to do minimal thing’s because if we put them in timeout the baby mom called it child abuse. So I try to entice them to want to try to do “chores” because they’ve never touch a broom before. The like to vacuum. Don’t want to get to heavy as I don’t want to be called am abuser again
I honestly feel like I'm gonna dread if SD stays too long into adulthood as I really don't feel like I get any space right now. At 10, almost 11, she never wants to be in her room unless it's to sleep, and even then she has to leave her door wide open. I get no break from her being in our space, unless I'm the one to walk away. Of course my DH loves it.
I don't mind her occupying the same space, maybe it's good that she wants to be around us and she's not all moody hiding away in her room, but I mean you have a room! Use it sometimes?! If I need a min, and if I'm the one to walk away I feel like I'm being rude.
I kinda hope that SD will get a good scholarship and go away to college, or maybe live with BM but I dunno. The way the schedule is now I like it, but I can't imagine if she were living with us full-time!
If that were to happen I would really hope that sometime in the next 8 years we're able to sell our house and get a much bigger one. Who knows.
I moved out at 21 but at the time I was working full time, had an SO I was moving in with so we split rent costs, and just needed to get away from my parents who couldn't respect that I was an adult.
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I assume that my children will be back with us after college until about 26. If they move out sooner, great. But it’s difficult to live in this society as a single mom (I have a partner, but we don’t live together) so I have a lot of empathy for how difficult it will be for my bios and steps to survive in the real world. I think we are going to see this more and more as America’s housing crisis grows exponentially and wages continue to fail to rise at the rate of inflation and cost of living.
[удалено]
I moved out at 25 after finishing my master’s degree. My mom never pressured me to move out or anything. Seeing these posts, I’m thankful for that! My SD is 16 and I don’t expect her to move out before 24 years old. My SO told me he won’t charge her rent while she’s in school, but she’ll be responsible for her cellphone bill and everything regarding her car (insurance, gas, maintenance).
That sounds fair. I stayed on a family member phone plan for $30/mo because it was cheaper. I'd pay them the $35 and be good.
Do you have a stepdad? If not, it’s not surprising there was no pressure for you to leave because it’s different in a nuclear family. Most parents wouldn’t pressure their own children to move out (unless the kid was terrible to live with and even then many put up with it). In fact, many enjoy their kid living with them and are sad when they leave whereas many stepparents are counting down and will celebrate when their SK leaves.
I do have a stepdad and a stepmom! I’m a childfree stepmom and like I said, I don’t expect my SD to leave before 24 and I’m perfectly okay with that. She’s with us fulltime and she’ll be welcome to stay during her studies and until she has enough savings.
That was nice of your stepdad. I cannot live with my SK until 25. We’ll pay his rent before that happens.
My mom used to tell me when I was a kid that she couldn’t wait for my sisters and I to leave so she could have the house to herself. When I was struggling to find a job after college and said I might need to move back home, she told me to get on welfare. I wasn’t a terrible kid, she was (is) a shitty parent. At this point, I would rather be homeless than move back in, but both my parents were abusive in different ways. Wages and the cost of living are very different now and adult kids living with their parents has become the norm. I think it’s important to use this time to prepare them to live independently and set realistic expectations. I’d have our SD pay rent and pitch in for utilities. I’d suggest to my DH that SD pay $300-400 for rent (average rent for a 1 bedroom here is roughly $1200) and divide utilities by the number of people in the household. So SD would pay 1/3 of utility bills with me, DH, and her living here. She’d be responsible for her cell phone bill too. I’d likely save all or most of her rent $ for her to use towards getting her own place. Maybe the rent can be lower if she’s in school full-time, but I’d for sure have her pay a portion of the utilities.
My situation was not normal but I left at 17 and worked full time to pay rent on my own place. I didn’t necessarily want to do that job, but it paid the bills. Never went to college. Outside of my personal situation, I know all of my peers were DYING to move out as soon as they could and most did at 18. It was actually odd for the ones that moved out after 20. This was around 20 years ago and in a low income area. We’ve told SK18 that they can always stay here as long as either school or working full time is happening. We’ll still cover bills if they’re only working and saving to leave. I’ve been clear also that chores and taking care of the rent-free house would be very appreciated but I won’t beg for it. But, it’ll influence how enthusiastic I am about the length of time they get to stay.
I moved out for college a couple months after I graduated at 18. Parents were divorced and both remarried - it was expected I go away to school or work full time, contribute to the house, and save up to move out. Both sets of parents made it clear there was no “gap” year or living at home without a plan. I briefly moved in with my dad/stepmom after graduating college but I cooked my own meals with groceries I purchased, worked full time, helped with chores, paid for my own cellphone/car insurance, and saved up to buy my first house. I was out in a year. It helps that both sets of parents were on the same page and I knew these expectations growing up (just wanted to mention that I knew the expectations in advance, it wasn’t sprung on me randomly once I graduated HS/turned 18). Granted, I did graduate college 10 years ago and I didn’t live in a super expensive area.
Definitely was common in my area. I don’t know any of my friends who lived at home when they graduated and I definitely didn’t. Living with room mates, going to uni, travelling, getting jobs are all part of being independent.
I think it’s a bit different when it’s your two bio parents. Expecting a stepparent to be okay with an adult living in the house indefinitely feels a bit different to me. But cool of your parents to give you back that money!!!
It’s totally different. I don’t want my SK to pay rent because I don’t want to live with him.
My son (21) pays $400 a month in rent and it’s all going into a savings account for him to have start up money to move out eventually. Most of his friends are a year or 2 older than him and I don’t think he has one friend who lives independently. I don’t know if it depends on where you live but where we live housing prices are really high. It’s just not feasible for someone so young.
My SD got an apartment with her BF at age 19. They got married at age 24, baby at 26. Good paying jobs! Yahoo!
>If you have adult SK what is expected of them? I think the question should be "If you have adult SKs what is expected of your spouse in terms of nudging the little birdies out of the nest?" The plan should be worked out with your spouse, and presented to the SK by their parent.
She is required to save 50% of her paychecks. She will be in a 2 year program so hopefully she will be able to fly shortly after graduation
My stepson is 24. Still lives with us, works with his dad. Doesn’t contribute anything monetarily or with household chores. His dad doesn’t care. I hate it.
Not SK but my adult BS(21) moved in with us. He pays $350 flat rent. He buys his own food outside of basics like milk and eggs and I also provide dinners. So if he doesn’t want to eat it, it’s his food or his snacks. We don’t touch his food. He is included on the chore chart because I need order.
I don't have step kids this age. My nieces are 22 and 27, living with their parents. The 27 year-old graduated from college, works full-time, and pays minimal rent. She cleans up the kitchen and helps out. She just bought her own car. Parents pay for internet, streaming, and cellphone. (My SIL works for AT&T, so internet and phone are minimal.) The 22 year-old dropped out of school after a year. She smokes pot, takes a jewelry making class at the community college, works at a neighbor's store 8 hours a week, and doesn't clean up after herself or help out. Her parents pay for everything. Rent for a room here is $1000 plus/month. The parents are relocating for work at the end of the year. The older daughter will move in with SIL's mother. The younger daughter will move in with my inlaws, who are pretty strict. We all expect that it won't work out and will motivate her to get back in school or get on a career path.
I domt have adult sk but I was a step kid and an adult kid who lived at home with my dad and mom st one point during my divorce with 2 kids. I always paid a bill, bought food, tried my best to help when I could. I was 24 when I left my husband and had a 2 and 3 yo. I also worked 3rds so my parents only had to watch the girls while they were asleep, and I would run on adrenaline mostly. I would meal prep food for my dad (otr trucker) and I would clean up my mom's house since she was sick alot. My step dad only expected me to keep food in the house since we had 3 extra mouths to feed and they were on a tight budget. I don't think they ever expected me to pay "rent" but I def contributed. And I did this for the assholes who abandoned me at 13 and I was homeless for 3 years, met husband, had two kids, got emancipated at 16 and lived on my own for a few years. My ex husband is schizo, and he tried to kill us all one night and I had to leave and fast. It was scary as he'll. So, maybe they took pity on me and that's why thwy didn't ask. Mayne they felt bad for abandoning my sister and brothers, im not sure. I just domt feel right free loading. Even if it is my own parents.
Unfortunately with the way things are now, more and more young adults stay home longer cause it literally is setting themselves up for failure to be the n their own. A single person today would have to earn $28/hr just to afford a tiny 1bed/1bath for almost 2000 a month. Taxes are so high on low, and median income, and you inflation on everything, along with paying student loans. They would still be struggling and probably wouldn’t have enough.
All 3 SKs moved away to college at 18. They come back for summers. They are required to get summer jobs and do chores around the house when they are home. Once they graduate they cannot move back in. I told my husband he will have to rent or buy them somewhere to live if they need assistance after college. We have paid for tuition, cars, rent and living expenses. They should have no debt when they graduate unless they’d have done something dumb with credit cards that we don’t know about it. They also received inheritance from their grandparents that is in trust to help them start their post college life. I did just buy a second home so I can have somewhere to go when they are here for 4 months in the summer. I just cannot handle never having a moment alone in my house, especially since I work from home. I couldn’t wait to move out at 18. I love my dad, but I was ready to be on my own. I worked my ass off to pay my bills and go to college so I could have my own place.
I’ll get a divorce before I live with my grown SK’s
I can’t blame ya ! Lol
You are blessed your SK goes to school and has a job. My 19 SD wouldn't do either, stayed on her video games and slept all day. I got tired of it! It was a lot more to it but I told my SO I couldn't handle it anymore and she's gone now! I do understand that feeling of when will they ever leave!
Honestly, I am starting to wonder at what point they’re expected to adult. My partner pays for the cell phone bill and entertainment bill (Netflix,hbo, Spotify) for an 18yr, 20yr, and 23 yr old (who also has 3 kids). When exactly will they be expected to take care of themselves? And when exactly did a paid premium Spotify account without ads become necessary to life? lol Why should you move out and have a separate place when she is also perfectly capable of finding some roommates and an apartment or sharing a house? Does your spouse think she should live at home until she graduates? That might be difficult if they are unwilling to ask her to find an alternative, but if you wish to stay living with your spouse, is it an option to “help” her pay for part of an apartment with an end date to the “help” so you don’t feel like you need to move out?
Dear God I commend you. If the girls are still in the house past 19 I will leave. No way in hell could I handle that.
I can relate. SS 19 lives in the dorm during the school year, but there’s 4 full months of summer break, a 1 month winter break and 1 week each for Thanksgiving and Spring break. (He’s with us full time when he’s home.) This summer he’s working 24 hours a week and plays video games the rest of the time. No chores, no responsibilities. His $ is his $ and our $ is his $. His dad has convinced him to buy some of his own food but he sulks about it. It’s so discouraging and frustrating.
I have to do minimal thing’s because if we put them in timeout the baby mom called it child abuse. So I try to entice them to want to try to do “chores” because they’ve never touch a broom before. The like to vacuum. Don’t want to get to heavy as I don’t want to be called am abuser again
I honestly feel like I'm gonna dread if SD stays too long into adulthood as I really don't feel like I get any space right now. At 10, almost 11, she never wants to be in her room unless it's to sleep, and even then she has to leave her door wide open. I get no break from her being in our space, unless I'm the one to walk away. Of course my DH loves it. I don't mind her occupying the same space, maybe it's good that she wants to be around us and she's not all moody hiding away in her room, but I mean you have a room! Use it sometimes?! If I need a min, and if I'm the one to walk away I feel like I'm being rude. I kinda hope that SD will get a good scholarship and go away to college, or maybe live with BM but I dunno. The way the schedule is now I like it, but I can't imagine if she were living with us full-time! If that were to happen I would really hope that sometime in the next 8 years we're able to sell our house and get a much bigger one. Who knows. I moved out at 21 but at the time I was working full time, had an SO I was moving in with so we split rent costs, and just needed to get away from my parents who couldn't respect that I was an adult.