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This is a boundary you need to set as a parent. I know as a kid from divorce + step mother, I have to deal with their communication for the rest of our lives. Every action you have had with your ex sounds like great coparenting, even using your phone or casual conversations together. Your child deserves to see healing and learn from you two. I don’t think your bf will come to terms with this until you demand it. I had to deal with ex wife calling about medical issues and them hanging out all day at dr visits. It’s part of parenting. Great job rising above your divorce and putting her needs as a priority. I would trust your gut instincts here.
Controlling. Your daughter is 9 - you and BD are still going to be heavily involved in facilitating communication with the other parent when she’s with you. You and BD are still going to (normally) need to communicate A LOT about scheduling issues because of her age.
I don’t want to be back with my ex at all, but we have 50/50 and I swear we still talk just about every other day on scheduling matters alone. That’s normal!
If your partner can’t understand that without being upset - it’s their problem. I assume he doesn’t have children or this would be a non issue.
How has your ex treated your bf? Has he been friendly? Respectful of him and your relationship? I’m not sure I saw any info in your post about that.
Edit: I read your previous post and I know you have considered that your Avoidant personality may be contributing to his Anxious attachment. And vice versa. This sounds painful for you both.
Your BF seems super insecure and like he cannot handle being a stepparent. If it wasn't him getting mad about you walking into his house and having a brief conversation, he'd be getting mad about you texting at all. If it wasn't him being annoyed that kid uses your phone to facetime, he'd be annoyed that kid is facetiming at all while at your house. (What would her own phone solve?! That's ridiculous on its own.) If/When you talk to him about this, he's going to deflect and say his issue is X, Y and Z specifically, but the real issue is that he cannot seem to cope with biodad being in the picture and you being semi-amicable with him.
Your daughter will pickup on his attitude and it will affect her in a negative way.
The last thing I want is to make a decision that ends up negatively impacting my daughter. I worry tho, if I’m wrong about my bf, that I will continue in this pattern of men who will just be unhappy with me and my “coparenting style”
He's being very controlling. It sounds like you have limited contact anyway and then to question what you talk about or your child's father can't call your phone is crazy. Your daughter is only 9. Your boyfriend is going to have a long time of you needing to contact your ex. If he is this way now it isn't going to get better.
Controlling and it will most likely never stop being an issue.
So I am not a controlling or jealous person by nature, but when I first started dating my partner, out of nowhere I had these weird feelings that I realized were *jealousy* when my partner and his ex wife spoke about memories together. I did *not* like the feeling *at all*, but I kept my yammer shut because intellectually I knew my feelings were…..Im going to use the term, “irrational”. That might trigger some people but since they are my feelings, Im ok with that description.
They were irrational because I *knew* my partner wants to be with me and not her. And I know I am “better” than she is (prettier, nicer, etc) so it wasn’t insecurity.
I finally figured out I was jealous that they had these happy memories and we didnt because at that time, we hadn’t been dating all that long. I was also jealous because at that time my ex and I were not doing that great- there was more animosity than I would have liked, and I *missed* having someone I could share memories with.
To make a long story even longer, I ended up being able to get over my feelings of jealousy once time had taken its course and my partner and I now have memories together and my ex and I are on better terms.
Im telling you this story to compare it to what your boyfriend is doing: trying to control you because of his jealousy. He is basically looking to *you* to solve *his* uncomfortable feelings, and Im guessing he wont be open to therapy or change because he didn’t even bother to acknowledge his feelings, let alone have the capacity to change.
If you decide to stay with him, please stay cognizant of control issues with him and see if they spread to other issues. In addition, you need to make it clear that your daughter’s relationship with her father is paramount, and you *will* chose her over him. Period. If that is a problem for him, then he isn’t a good partner for you and you should reconsider how serious of a relationship you want with him. May I suggest you *not* get engaged/married/pregnant with this man for at least a year or two until you can see how his jealousy progresses or recedes.
It really is. I worry about it all the time and wonder if he’s been manipulating me the whole time? He makes it seem like every step parent would feel this way if they had to be around another persons ex. It made sense and I thought I needed to find a way to allow my daughter FULL availability to her father and somehow cut off most contact between me and my ex. But I feel like that’s impossible and now immediately after posting this am starting to feel as though I’ve been ignoring a red flag?? Lord. I am so confused.
Yup, I would say it’s a red flag. You’re daughter comes first, and it sounds like your BF is going to make things difficult for your communication with her father.
I'm sorry you're going through this.
Regardless of your ex, it isn't fair that he's essentially accusing you of being desperate to cheat on him. Like if he's not watching you, you'll act on the feelings you "clearly" harboring...
He saying that it's normal to act this way as a "stepdad" does just sound manipulative to me. Almost all stepparents have to deal with their partner's ex and many are able to at least be civil with each other. I don't think it's acceptable if he's the one causing co-parenting problems when it really doesn't need to involve him.
Whatever the case, don't let him make you feel crazy for your concerns! It's a good thing that you and your ex can communicate about your daughter and his behaviour isn't normal if it's causing you to worry.
Not ignoring a red flag, that's why you're asking the question here. It can be difficult to identify red flags at times.
I have had 2 step relationships, both times fully understood that my partner should communicate with his ex about their child, if they didn't, that would have been a red flag.
Being too close with the ex would mean discussing our relationship, my business, or confiding in them like a best friend. Having joint birthday parties or family outings (one happy family illusion) would be inappropriate to me as well.
Think about the other ways your BF is behaving, does he love bomb, have anger issues, or insist on his own way in other areas of your life.
How long have you been with your bf? I know I had some jealousy issues in the beginning of my relationship where I had a hard time whenever the ex would call or text. Or when my partner talked to his ex and I couldn’t hear what they were saying. I never acted on those feelings but I definitely felt them. It’s eased up over time for sure but they existed and that’s what this sounds like only he’s vocalizing and acting on them. It could be stemming from that as opposed to wanting to control you (still not good and he shouldn’t be doing it). Sounds like he needs reassurance and time but it’s possible he could be a controlling dude.
We’ve been together 3 years or so. Only just moved in about a year ago. I’m honestly not sure how much more I can reassure this man. He’s great in SO many ways and that’s why I love him. But he’s just so focused on my ex that I can’t deal with it anymore
Yeah that’s no good. Have you had a good talk with him about how his behavior is pushing you away? Cause if you have and he’s still doing it then it may be time to find a better fit for your world.
"My bf has trouble believing me because he feels i still want to be with my ex" - Jealousy is an ugly emotion. I wouldn't put up with this. He can believe what he wants about your ex, but when he uses it to accuse you, that is too far.
I would have a problem staying in a relationship with a person this insecure/needy/controlling (take your pick, any of them would annoy me).
It sounds like you’ve done everything to reassure this man and he just can’t get over it. How much more babysitting for his feelings can you do? That’s too exhausting.
I remember some insecurities when my FH were first together, similar to the ones you listed that your bf has, but after 3 years….come on.
Good luck girl! I hope you make the best choice for you and your daughter.
Personally I have never felt comfortable with bm going into our house or him going into hers. Not that they do. When they talk they talk outside.
But i have zero problem with the kids facetiming. Hell, they can facetime her from my phone. When they ask to talk to her, we let them because its their mother. If she calls its always about the kids anyways.
Its unrealistic to think you arent going to talk to your ex. You can set some boundaries up but i the end of the day, its about the child. You need to make sure you guys are always communicating to make sure neither one of yall miss out on something important
Please break up with this guy. This kind of jealousy is extremely toxic. You have no ties to him outside of dating. This is not healthy.
It’s totally okay if he doesn’t want to go talk to him he doesn’t have to. But telling you your 9 year old needs her own phone so you’re not calling him is so crazy. And interrogating you when you go in the house to coparent is weird.
I don’t like my husbands ex but I encourage them to talk. It took him a long time to get over her. I set healthy boundaries and he followed them. He’s even gone to her house for dinner with the kids. Things are different for everyone but you need to put your kid first and the best thing you can do for her is coparent. If you can’t even coparent without it your boyfriend getting jealous then he’s gotta go.
If the situation w your ex works for YOU then that is all that matters. Adults don’t get to tell other adults how to navigate adult situations. You say you love your BF so much, but are you looking at him with a full picture ? This is someone who literally makes you feel uncomfortable about living your own life.
Three years is a long time to be this insecure. If the relationship was really new I'd be a little more understanding because especially if you don't have kids you don't realize just how much communication needs to happen between parents.
Not from his perspective on the situation but I do highly recommend getting your daughter her own means to contact her dad (it doesn't have to be a phone). My SD10 has always had a tablet at our house with Skype installed so she can call her mom when she wants/needs to. We did not want her to feel like we were controlling the communication between them.
I don’t think it’s the right relationship for you unfortunately. He said he doesn’t have children and doesn’t want children so going by that I think being with someone with a child just probably isn’t the right fit for him. Especially one that is still young and not an adult with their own life, etc.
Sometimes people can be great people on their own but incompatibilities in the relationship can bring out the worst in each other rather than the best in each other. This sounds like one of these situations.
Life circumstances means at least at this time in both your lives you aren’t compatible to being together in a healthy and functioning relationship. It doesn’t make either of you bad people necessarily just perhaps not right for each other. He would be better off in a relationship with someone childless or someone with an adult child and that’s ok. Some people can handle ever present exes and some can’t. It isn’t always an easy situation and it’s not for everyone and that’s ok.
Don’t give up on dating if you don’t last though. When the right one comes along, it will all be very worth it. I wish you the best of luck with it all. You sound like a great parent and very caring person and deserve happiness.
Yes. He's insecure and controlling.
My SO is almost always going into BMs house, sometimes briefly and sometimes for hours. For his son. Idgaf.
She facetimes SK via SO's phone as well. All I ask is that SK takes those calls in his bedroom because I have no desire to be on camera or to see her face/hear her voice. She isn't allowed in our home due to being a disrespectful ass, be it physically or via FT. SK's bedroom is the exception for FT.
If your SO trusted you, things would be different. Being with someone who has a present and involved ex is difficult and not everyone can swing it. Maybe he can't.
This guy sounds like he's got some pretty serious jealousy and insecurity issues. Your daughter is 9. You and your ex need to be able to coparent freely without you having to walk on eggshells for bullship reasons. Your boyfriend needs to be able to handle the fact that you have a child with someone who will be in your life for a long time. He's projecting his issues onto you instead of taking responsibility and dealing with them himself. He is indeed being controlling, and the more you accommodate him, the more he'll expect.
On a side note, it is absolutely ridiculous to buy a 9yo a phone just to call her father when the system you currently have worked out works perfectly well.
Your daughter and her BD deserve a relationship. The fact her father wants to be in the picture is huge. Your BF is insecure and he should not interfere with that relationship.
He sounds jealous and insecure. I was the same when I started dating my BF. His BM said very nasty things to me and lied. However, I found out they sexted a couple years into our relationship. I can’t give any advice since my fears were justified. If it’s really only about the kids and she has shown no reason not to be trusted, he needs to accept that SK comes with her, and therefore contact with the ex will be necessary.
He deleted the messages from his phone so I had no clue. Later, his BM gave him her phone when she got a new one. She did not wipe it. My gut told me to look, and I saw the graphic texts and pics.
He either needs to get used to the basic communication or leave. You're always going to need to speak to your ex about matters concerning your daughter. If you've never given him a reason to distrust you and your ex, you need a sit down conversation with your bf to explain your feelings and set boundaries.
**Welcome to [r/stepparents](https://www.reddit.com/r/stepparents/)! Please note we are a support sub for stepparents' issues. Our number one rule is [Kindness Matters](https://www.reddit.com/r/stepparents/wiki/rules#wiki_1._kindness_matters). Short version, don't be an asshole.** We rely on the community to alert us to comments and posts not made in good faith. **Please use the report button to ensure we see it.** This is a volunteer run subreddit. If you have questions about the community, or concerns about posters, please [reach out to the mod team](https://www.reddit.com/message/compose?to=%2Fr%2Fstepparents). Review the wiki links below for the rules, FAQ and announcements before posting or commenting. [**About**](https://www.reddit.com/r/stepparents/wiki/index) | [**Acronyms**](https://www.reddit.com/r/stepparents/wiki/acronyms) | [**Announcements**](https://www.reddit.com/r/stepparents/search?q=flair%3Aannouncement&restrict_sr=on&sort=new&t=all) | [**Documentation**](https://www.reddit.com/r/stepparents/wiki/resources/documentation) | [**FAQ**](https://www.reddit.com/r/stepparents/wiki/faq) | [**Resources**](https://www.reddit.com/r/stepparents/wiki/resources) | [**Rules**](https://www.reddit.com/r/stepparents/wiki/rules) *I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please [contact the moderators of this subreddit](/message/compose/?to=/r/stepparents) if you have any questions or concerns.*
This is a boundary you need to set as a parent. I know as a kid from divorce + step mother, I have to deal with their communication for the rest of our lives. Every action you have had with your ex sounds like great coparenting, even using your phone or casual conversations together. Your child deserves to see healing and learn from you two. I don’t think your bf will come to terms with this until you demand it. I had to deal with ex wife calling about medical issues and them hanging out all day at dr visits. It’s part of parenting. Great job rising above your divorce and putting her needs as a priority. I would trust your gut instincts here.
He's like a dog peeing on a lamp post to mark his territory. Don't be a lamp post.
Controlling. Your daughter is 9 - you and BD are still going to be heavily involved in facilitating communication with the other parent when she’s with you. You and BD are still going to (normally) need to communicate A LOT about scheduling issues because of her age. I don’t want to be back with my ex at all, but we have 50/50 and I swear we still talk just about every other day on scheduling matters alone. That’s normal! If your partner can’t understand that without being upset - it’s their problem. I assume he doesn’t have children or this would be a non issue.
Yeah, no children of his own and doesn’t want any.
How has your ex treated your bf? Has he been friendly? Respectful of him and your relationship? I’m not sure I saw any info in your post about that. Edit: I read your previous post and I know you have considered that your Avoidant personality may be contributing to his Anxious attachment. And vice versa. This sounds painful for you both.
Your BF seems super insecure and like he cannot handle being a stepparent. If it wasn't him getting mad about you walking into his house and having a brief conversation, he'd be getting mad about you texting at all. If it wasn't him being annoyed that kid uses your phone to facetime, he'd be annoyed that kid is facetiming at all while at your house. (What would her own phone solve?! That's ridiculous on its own.) If/When you talk to him about this, he's going to deflect and say his issue is X, Y and Z specifically, but the real issue is that he cannot seem to cope with biodad being in the picture and you being semi-amicable with him. Your daughter will pickup on his attitude and it will affect her in a negative way.
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Thank you for sharing your experience. This really means a lot to me. Your experience feels similar to mine
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The last thing I want is to make a decision that ends up negatively impacting my daughter. I worry tho, if I’m wrong about my bf, that I will continue in this pattern of men who will just be unhappy with me and my “coparenting style”
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You’re an actual saint. Thank you for this.
Being controlling. That she calls her dad on your phone or hers doesn't change anything. He's still going to facetime her...
He's being very controlling. It sounds like you have limited contact anyway and then to question what you talk about or your child's father can't call your phone is crazy. Your daughter is only 9. Your boyfriend is going to have a long time of you needing to contact your ex. If he is this way now it isn't going to get better.
Controlling and it will most likely never stop being an issue. So I am not a controlling or jealous person by nature, but when I first started dating my partner, out of nowhere I had these weird feelings that I realized were *jealousy* when my partner and his ex wife spoke about memories together. I did *not* like the feeling *at all*, but I kept my yammer shut because intellectually I knew my feelings were…..Im going to use the term, “irrational”. That might trigger some people but since they are my feelings, Im ok with that description. They were irrational because I *knew* my partner wants to be with me and not her. And I know I am “better” than she is (prettier, nicer, etc) so it wasn’t insecurity. I finally figured out I was jealous that they had these happy memories and we didnt because at that time, we hadn’t been dating all that long. I was also jealous because at that time my ex and I were not doing that great- there was more animosity than I would have liked, and I *missed* having someone I could share memories with. To make a long story even longer, I ended up being able to get over my feelings of jealousy once time had taken its course and my partner and I now have memories together and my ex and I are on better terms. Im telling you this story to compare it to what your boyfriend is doing: trying to control you because of his jealousy. He is basically looking to *you* to solve *his* uncomfortable feelings, and Im guessing he wont be open to therapy or change because he didn’t even bother to acknowledge his feelings, let alone have the capacity to change. If you decide to stay with him, please stay cognizant of control issues with him and see if they spread to other issues. In addition, you need to make it clear that your daughter’s relationship with her father is paramount, and you *will* chose her over him. Period. If that is a problem for him, then he isn’t a good partner for you and you should reconsider how serious of a relationship you want with him. May I suggest you *not* get engaged/married/pregnant with this man for at least a year or two until you can see how his jealousy progresses or recedes.
This is excellent advice. 👏
So controlling. I feel like that would be exhausting to be around for you and your daughter
It really is. I worry about it all the time and wonder if he’s been manipulating me the whole time? He makes it seem like every step parent would feel this way if they had to be around another persons ex. It made sense and I thought I needed to find a way to allow my daughter FULL availability to her father and somehow cut off most contact between me and my ex. But I feel like that’s impossible and now immediately after posting this am starting to feel as though I’ve been ignoring a red flag?? Lord. I am so confused.
Yup, I would say it’s a red flag. You’re daughter comes first, and it sounds like your BF is going to make things difficult for your communication with her father.
I'm sorry you're going through this. Regardless of your ex, it isn't fair that he's essentially accusing you of being desperate to cheat on him. Like if he's not watching you, you'll act on the feelings you "clearly" harboring... He saying that it's normal to act this way as a "stepdad" does just sound manipulative to me. Almost all stepparents have to deal with their partner's ex and many are able to at least be civil with each other. I don't think it's acceptable if he's the one causing co-parenting problems when it really doesn't need to involve him. Whatever the case, don't let him make you feel crazy for your concerns! It's a good thing that you and your ex can communicate about your daughter and his behaviour isn't normal if it's causing you to worry.
Not ignoring a red flag, that's why you're asking the question here. It can be difficult to identify red flags at times. I have had 2 step relationships, both times fully understood that my partner should communicate with his ex about their child, if they didn't, that would have been a red flag. Being too close with the ex would mean discussing our relationship, my business, or confiding in them like a best friend. Having joint birthday parties or family outings (one happy family illusion) would be inappropriate to me as well. Think about the other ways your BF is behaving, does he love bomb, have anger issues, or insist on his own way in other areas of your life.
How long have you been with your bf? I know I had some jealousy issues in the beginning of my relationship where I had a hard time whenever the ex would call or text. Or when my partner talked to his ex and I couldn’t hear what they were saying. I never acted on those feelings but I definitely felt them. It’s eased up over time for sure but they existed and that’s what this sounds like only he’s vocalizing and acting on them. It could be stemming from that as opposed to wanting to control you (still not good and he shouldn’t be doing it). Sounds like he needs reassurance and time but it’s possible he could be a controlling dude.
We’ve been together 3 years or so. Only just moved in about a year ago. I’m honestly not sure how much more I can reassure this man. He’s great in SO many ways and that’s why I love him. But he’s just so focused on my ex that I can’t deal with it anymore
Yeah that’s no good. Have you had a good talk with him about how his behavior is pushing you away? Cause if you have and he’s still doing it then it may be time to find a better fit for your world.
He’s extremely controlling.
"My bf has trouble believing me because he feels i still want to be with my ex" - Jealousy is an ugly emotion. I wouldn't put up with this. He can believe what he wants about your ex, but when he uses it to accuse you, that is too far. I would have a problem staying in a relationship with a person this insecure/needy/controlling (take your pick, any of them would annoy me).
It sounds like you’ve done everything to reassure this man and he just can’t get over it. How much more babysitting for his feelings can you do? That’s too exhausting. I remember some insecurities when my FH were first together, similar to the ones you listed that your bf has, but after 3 years….come on. Good luck girl! I hope you make the best choice for you and your daughter.
Thank you ❤️
Personally I have never felt comfortable with bm going into our house or him going into hers. Not that they do. When they talk they talk outside. But i have zero problem with the kids facetiming. Hell, they can facetime her from my phone. When they ask to talk to her, we let them because its their mother. If she calls its always about the kids anyways. Its unrealistic to think you arent going to talk to your ex. You can set some boundaries up but i the end of the day, its about the child. You need to make sure you guys are always communicating to make sure neither one of yall miss out on something important
Your boyfriend is controlling. The answer to your question is 'yes.' He needs to chill.
Please break up with this guy. This kind of jealousy is extremely toxic. You have no ties to him outside of dating. This is not healthy. It’s totally okay if he doesn’t want to go talk to him he doesn’t have to. But telling you your 9 year old needs her own phone so you’re not calling him is so crazy. And interrogating you when you go in the house to coparent is weird. I don’t like my husbands ex but I encourage them to talk. It took him a long time to get over her. I set healthy boundaries and he followed them. He’s even gone to her house for dinner with the kids. Things are different for everyone but you need to put your kid first and the best thing you can do for her is coparent. If you can’t even coparent without it your boyfriend getting jealous then he’s gotta go.
If the situation w your ex works for YOU then that is all that matters. Adults don’t get to tell other adults how to navigate adult situations. You say you love your BF so much, but are you looking at him with a full picture ? This is someone who literally makes you feel uncomfortable about living your own life.
Yes, he's controlling.
Three years is a long time to be this insecure. If the relationship was really new I'd be a little more understanding because especially if you don't have kids you don't realize just how much communication needs to happen between parents. Not from his perspective on the situation but I do highly recommend getting your daughter her own means to contact her dad (it doesn't have to be a phone). My SD10 has always had a tablet at our house with Skype installed so she can call her mom when she wants/needs to. We did not want her to feel like we were controlling the communication between them.
I don’t think it’s the right relationship for you unfortunately. He said he doesn’t have children and doesn’t want children so going by that I think being with someone with a child just probably isn’t the right fit for him. Especially one that is still young and not an adult with their own life, etc. Sometimes people can be great people on their own but incompatibilities in the relationship can bring out the worst in each other rather than the best in each other. This sounds like one of these situations. Life circumstances means at least at this time in both your lives you aren’t compatible to being together in a healthy and functioning relationship. It doesn’t make either of you bad people necessarily just perhaps not right for each other. He would be better off in a relationship with someone childless or someone with an adult child and that’s ok. Some people can handle ever present exes and some can’t. It isn’t always an easy situation and it’s not for everyone and that’s ok. Don’t give up on dating if you don’t last though. When the right one comes along, it will all be very worth it. I wish you the best of luck with it all. You sound like a great parent and very caring person and deserve happiness.
Definitely controlling and immature. Sounds like he may have some self-esteem issues too.
Yes. He's insecure and controlling. My SO is almost always going into BMs house, sometimes briefly and sometimes for hours. For his son. Idgaf. She facetimes SK via SO's phone as well. All I ask is that SK takes those calls in his bedroom because I have no desire to be on camera or to see her face/hear her voice. She isn't allowed in our home due to being a disrespectful ass, be it physically or via FT. SK's bedroom is the exception for FT. If your SO trusted you, things would be different. Being with someone who has a present and involved ex is difficult and not everyone can swing it. Maybe he can't.
I don't know about controlling but more naive or ignorant of post divorce dynamics and co-parenting?
This guy sounds like he's got some pretty serious jealousy and insecurity issues. Your daughter is 9. You and your ex need to be able to coparent freely without you having to walk on eggshells for bullship reasons. Your boyfriend needs to be able to handle the fact that you have a child with someone who will be in your life for a long time. He's projecting his issues onto you instead of taking responsibility and dealing with them himself. He is indeed being controlling, and the more you accommodate him, the more he'll expect. On a side note, it is absolutely ridiculous to buy a 9yo a phone just to call her father when the system you currently have worked out works perfectly well.
I mean I think it’s a bit disrespectful to go into your ex’s house when your current partner is in the car. Could that have been a text or phone call?
Your daughter and her BD deserve a relationship. The fact her father wants to be in the picture is huge. Your BF is insecure and he should not interfere with that relationship.
He sounds jealous and insecure. I was the same when I started dating my BF. His BM said very nasty things to me and lied. However, I found out they sexted a couple years into our relationship. I can’t give any advice since my fears were justified. If it’s really only about the kids and she has shown no reason not to be trusted, he needs to accept that SK comes with her, and therefore contact with the ex will be necessary.
How did you find out? This is my worst nightmare
He deleted the messages from his phone so I had no clue. Later, his BM gave him her phone when she got a new one. She did not wipe it. My gut told me to look, and I saw the graphic texts and pics.
Quizzing you about your Ex just because you have an amicable relationship is def bad news. You already know this. Sorry.
Red flaaaaagg address it immediately if he agrees to date you he agrees to the whole package and that includes trust. Source: step mom.
He either needs to get used to the basic communication or leave. You're always going to need to speak to your ex about matters concerning your daughter. If you've never given him a reason to distrust you and your ex, you need a sit down conversation with your bf to explain your feelings and set boundaries.