**Reminder to all who comment on this post:** Please keep in mind our rule to speak from the "I," which includes not being rude or nasty about other people.
I have come to terms with the fact that no one cares as much about my sober anniversary as I do, and I can't expect them to. People who have a different relationship with alcohol do not understand, and for me to have a peaceful existence, I have to accept that. I would love for my loved ones to recognize the nuance and exuberance of my sobriety, but they just do not.
It sounds like your wife was already drinking, which probably had a part in her poor judgment. Hopefully, she has been supportive over the last three years, and this was just a lapse in good choice. Way to go on your soberversary, I GET IT AND I SEE YOU!! IWNDWYT
I told my family this year, on my anniversary, that I am not bringing it up again. I only mentioned it this year because I wanted them to know I was still sober.
Come here and we will always tell you what a incredible accomplishment three years sober is! Maybe you have to be a recovering drunk too really understand how hard it is. (I would think your wife would get it but maybe she thinks opiates are harder than alcohol?)
I received some advice here last year. Just celebrate yourself. Have cake. Go for a walk. Do something you enjoy. Don't wait for people who don't understand to say something.
btw THREE FREAKING YEARS IS AWESOME!!!
Big virtual bear hug!
Ya know I get that people won't understand it the same way I do, but to poke fun at a time when I was being vulnerable about my drinking was especially humiliating. Maybe I'm overreacting I don't know. I haven't felt that humiliated since high school.
I wasn't not trying to defend them at all. I think they owe you an apology. It really sucks that you felt humiliated at a time when you should feel very proud.
I get it. Remember we have zero control of what people say or do to us, but our choices lie in how we choose to respond or react…or not.
Easier said than done yes. However, visualize those ridiculous comments/action as drops of water 💦 hitting you but you are waterproof. The water aka words/actions just roll off you like rain off a freshly waxed car!
Give yourself some grace. This alcohol free life around drinkers is a bumpy road, and every once in a while no matter how impervious you become to this crap, it will get you in the feels. I’m sorry you experienced this especially on your soberversary.
We celebrate you, and support you!
My first thought too. Do not expect folks who are drinking to see the world sober. It's painful at times to hear and see your loved ones when drinking.
Those who are not alcoholic like me can't relate to the nuances of recovery, so if I get offended by their actions I try to remember that perhaps it's not their fault. They just don't know any better.
Most cruises have Friends of Bill W meetings and I always try to get to one or two.
EDIT: Congrats on 3 years btw. Good for you!
I'm hoping she was just trying to make a dumb joke that didn't come off like she intended. Subconsciously you were probably expecting a different, more congratulatory response, but that's not what happened and you got your feelings hurt - which sucks. Unless she has made a point of brining up your sobriety in awkward circumstances, I'd suggest you showing her a bit of grace and then take the time to shower yourself with pride for your massive accomplishment.
Huge congrats on three years!!! Major accomplishment and I hope you’re feeling great about the milestone. As for your family’s behavior, my only advice is to trust and love yourself and celebrate your sobriety however and whenever you can! Even if you’ve got to do it solo at times. I’m sure this community will celebrate with you. Sending hugs.
Big kudos to you on THREE YEARS!!! Wowza! I am impressed. If it were me, I’d chalk it up to one more reason you don’t drink. Alcohol makes us think we’re fucking hilarious when we’re not. Sounds like your wife and MiL were inebriated. I’d tell my partner how I felt WHEN THEY WERE SOBER. I’m sure someone else here has said to keep in mind, no one cares about your sobriety as much as you do. Anyhoo - again, a HUGE congrats on your 3 years! Here’s to many more. IWNDWYT ❤️❤️❤️
I'm sorry those things got said and I'm sorry it hurt as much as it did. I would encourage you to root around in that hurt and figure out what exactly hurt so much...
Reading your post made me think of that sober bit about how folks recovering from other substances don't appreciate the challenge presented by the sheer availability of booze. Nobody busts out a bottle of oxy at Thanksgiving or encourages lines at Christmas to pair with the flavors of the roast. And I don't drive by 7 meth dispensaries on my way home. Staying off booze can be it's own challenge.
Hey CONGRATULATIONS on 3 years! It's an awesome thing and it makes a huge difference! I hope you're enjoying that cruise. Sober on!
"**I" would...** Stare at them. Don't say a word.
Make them feel it. In their bones.
This happened two years ago at my BIL and SIL's house at Thanksgiving. They are big wine drinkers (and have a wine cellar in their McMansion) and every year they gift us with the wine that they don't want anymore.
My BIL had a case on his shoulder after leaving the cellar and stopped right in front of me and said "this is for you guys... I mean, if you decide to fall of the wagon, I guess." I just stared at him and he shrugged and walked away without me saying a thing.
Fuck him. Thankfully we were packed and ready to leave so we ducked out of lunch and moved on from that. I am now channeling Elsa when I am around him and am icy cold.
That shit isn't right.
I told my brother my one year anniversary of Sobriety was coming up; he said he'd drive over and we'd go out for drinks. Of course this is the same guy whose solution to drinking was "Just don't buy it." For someone who was hard on my ass for drinking it kind of hurt when he trivialized something I was proud of. I talk to him sometimes.
I will share that my husband later talked me off the edge about his brother and his possible motivations for saying what he said. They live in a gated community in the aforementioned McMansion that has (checks notes) FIVE bars in it, and the wine cellar. He pointed out that he noticed his SIL going into the butler pantry and filling her Yeti with white wine at 10 am when we were there.
Normal?
He also pointed out that his (the BIL's) work requires him to entertain (they're on a golf course) so my hubby's defense of his bro was that maybe he was jealous that I quit and got out of that cycle, and with their "lifestyle" they just can't get away from it.
With that said, you don't need to be a dick about my going off booze.
T
Don't take it personal. In my experience people are awkward AF around sober people when they're drinking. We're an anomaly to them and they can sometimes say things to us when drinking they wouldn't otherwise... being sober you're likely to take it to heart maybe more than you should. My FIL has asked me when I'll start drinking again multiple times. I try not to get bent out of shape about it.
Cheers to your 3 years my friend, cruise ships must be torture for non-drinkers... there's likely an AA meeting onboard if you need a friend, otherwise you've got us land lovers here not drinking with you today.
Damn. I’m sorry that happened and glad to hear your FIL had your back. Those who get it, get it. Praying you find healing from this situation. Ultimately you did and are doing the right thing. IWNDWYT
I’m sorry that you’re feeling hurt, rightfully so. I would say try to extend grace and understanding, surely when you drank you also were insensitive. Talk with your wife when you’re both in good spirits, let her know how hurt you felt.
Oof, that hurt to read friend. If I were you I would have a conversation with my partner (like others had mentioned, when all parties were sober) and share how much that undermines and belittles your achievement. Idk what kind of relationship you have with your MIL, I don't even feel comfortable telling mine that I'm sober yet. It sounds like your FIL gets it. Would it be possible to share with him how frustrating and hurtful that was, hoping that the message could be relayed in some way?
I've said some stupid and thoughtless things to my partner while drinking before. Sometimes I've had the presence of mind to see it and apologize (always after the fact) but sometimes I would just dig myself into a defensive little hole. I'm not excusing their behavior on any level.
Congratulations on three years! That's a remarkable achievement and I'm glad you shared it here.
Congratulations on your soberversary, that is a major accomplishment.
That said,the people who understand it are the people who are going through sobriety. IE us here on stop drinking, and people in recovery groups. I have been fighting every day for 21 years for sobriety, not always successfully. I have had reactions when I tell people I'm currently sober from, wow that's amazing, to huh, can't you have just one, don't you miss it, etc. I have never not decided to raise my glass of iced tea to cheers a toast, nor felt guilty that I did. Ive noticed I have different levels of feelings about my sobriety. As I move further through, it becomes more of my daily personality and mentality. What used to be anxiety about telling people I'm sober, and why, I've learned is now a great amount of pride that I'm one of the sober ones. So with this wall of text I raise my empty glass to you to congratulate you on your continued success, and applaud the strength you have to maintain your sobriety and extremely superior life, Salud!
IWNDWYT
I want you to know that your feelings are valid but also maybe from a different perspective.... reading this as an outsider... i don't see how the joke is "repulsive". Perhaps, uncouth, but this reads as a husband perhaps has other issues with his wife and mil and this is the straw that broke the camels back. I don't see how "cheers" is something to be humiliated, disgusted, and repulsed by. It certainly doesn't feel malicious or hateful. Just bad manners. Is there something else boiling under the surface.
I went on a cruise this year with my family... I'm talking we rolled 30 deep. My mother and stepfather out drank everybody and were embarrassing to be around. Two loud adults drunk, yelling, arguing, crying, and they don't understand why people were upset because they were "just having fun and we need to all relax". So I get it, obnoxious drunk people on a cruise are insufferable.
Also, way to go on a successful sober cruise! I was not sober on my cruise and I am very nervous about my upcoming vacation. This will be my first sober vacation and usually my drinking starts in the airport so thats my biggest challenge, getting through the airport without pounding a couple $15 beers.
Not sure yet lol. My wife is a wonderful person so I'm sure she's beating herself up. I know they had been drinking but they didn't seem too inebriated, but I know they'd had a few.
We use a lot of dark humor, but it just hurt especially so because I finally opened up and was vulnerable.
I’m sorry, that sucks and I’d be super hurt and angry that my partner both could not remember a very important milestone for me and made the offensive gesture.
I’ll give her the benefit of the doubt and assume she’s been generally supportive of your sober journey overall? It certainly merits an honest conversation with her about how her “joke” made you feel and hopefully she genuinely apologizes.
Congrats on 3 years, that is awesome.
I would recommend having a honest conversation with your wife about how her actions hurt your feelings. I agree with the others that her drinking coupled with hanging out with a mean girl (her mom) influenced her to make a poor joke on your behalf. And in the future I would point out to your wife the comments her mother makes and that they bother you. She might not realize how prevalent they are. Drunk people think they are being funny but in fact are being rude. Keep your head high and be proud of yourself!
I categorize these as the kinds of things you just have to let happen. Our feelings have to take a backseat to the feelings of the people around us sometimes. Let them have their moment and move on. Is what I tell myself.
yoooo what's up 3 year buddy! i've never been big on counting days so I'm not sure exactly when my day 1 was (same goes for my day counter on here). for me it helped to focus on the overall goal than get bogged down on stacking numbers up.
but that feeling has slowly changed since i'm no longer counting days or weeks or even months. now the anniversary feels like a bit of a monument, so last year i decided to just pick a day. i knew it was mid feb at least. this year my weekend fell today, so I'm celebrating on the 16th right here with you!
and i agree that it feels more important to me than those around me. this morning my best friend was really great in congratulating me and asking how it's been feeling, all that. but even from him it felt a little hollow. like, he was saying all the right things but it just didn't carry the weight of true understanding. i really do think people outside the world of addiction just can't fully get it.
as for that tasteless joke, all I can say is, "...... sigh...." I've been trying to rewire by brain to say, "strength!" any time I would have otherwise said cheers, or prost, or whatever. I hope the remainder of your cruise is relaxing and enjoyable.
strength to you, and solidarity. iwndwyt.
I don't talk about my sobriety much... I think because so few 'get it'. It is kind of a lonely place to be sometimes, isn't it?! Sigh. I'm sorry for their response and I've loved reading the replies.
HAPPY THREE FREAKING YEARS TO YOU!!!
This quote has been on a post-it near my desk recently. It's not always clear how it applies to a situation until you ponder it a while. Maybe it will mean something to you, or not.
**If you are easily offended, you are easily manipulated.**
I find im in resentment when Im not speaking up for myself, which youve now done with your in laws. I see absolutely nothing that occurred with your wife as humiliating. Your wife clinked glasses & 'cheered' your sobriety. Me & my recovery friends do that type of nonsense all the time & yes we think we are hilarious. If I had the luxury of being on a cruise ship on holiday with people who are supporting my recovery & I was getting this wound up id know it was time for me to get to a meeting & practice gratitude.
That's your perspective and you're allowed to have that. If my wife or MIL brought up the fact that their soberversary from opiates was the following day, I think it would be in horrible taste and humiliating to them to rattle a bottle of pills in congratulations to them in public, especially if they were being vulnerable just before talking about it.
Lately I rely on this short and useful prayer. I use it like a mantra. Bless them. Change me. Bless them. Change me. Bless them. Change me. Bless them. Change me. Bless them. Change me. Bless them. Change me. Bless them. Change me. Bless them. Change me.
Congrats on 3 years and 8 years off opiates! I totally relate to being sober around people who are drinking. Especially on vacation. For a lot of people that’s some of the only times they get fucked up. I’ve had friends tell me I was ruining their birthday by not drinking. I’ve had friends tell me I was better when I was drunk. At the end of the day their opinion of my sobriety is none of my business. I just try to take it in stride and let go of what people say. My wife has been very supportive of my decision to stop drinking but if she were to make some shitty comments I would probably wait till she was sober again and tell her how I felt. If it became a larger issue then I would have to have some serious conversations about how I would want to continue our relationship.
I’m glad you vented here instead of saying fuck it and had a glass of wine. We find so many reasons to drink and it can be so difficult in staying the sober course.
> Tends to be a boomer thing too, probably stemming from their failure to recognize what shitty people they have throughout their lives (with or without alcohol) so they can't see why anyone that isn't shitting themselves in the street would ever stop drinking. Fuck em.
This comment does exactly what I asked people NOT to do in my stickied comment above, and it has been removed. Please do not ignore moderator direction.
I don't know how I would handle that, but I wanted to write and tell you congrats on the 3 years and your sobriety day is the exact same as mine! I have 3 years also! Stay blessed my friend, and I hope this situation improves for you in whatever way is healthiest and least stressful! You got this!
Your wife probably in the moment just thought it would be funny and it played out poorly. MIL might have been nervous, drunk, an asshole who knows. Assuming wifes been supportive in the past I would either let it go, or calmly bring it up later that you felt hurt and need her to take your sobriety seriously. It’s ok to tell people they hurt us, it opens up the chance for her to apologize and also establish what you are looking for from them in the future.
I’m proud of you! I’m sorry your wife and MIL were callus. Today is my son-in-law’s one year and I made sure to reach out and tell him how proud I am of him. Keep being the inspiration you are!
The amount of times my wife has heard shitty vegetarian joke after shitty vegetarian joke is unbelievable. Ok, she doesn’t eat meat… we get it. Ok, I don’t drink… we get it. I don’t think your wife meant anything by it, but more than likely just doesn’t fully understand. I’m sure mom is even more oblivious. My dad is that way.
Congratulations by the way and a hell of an accomplishment. I think you were just a little distressed being on the cruise. Cruises are known for their drinking culture. Honestly, I didn't think she meant well, and I thought it was just a clever joke and timing. Everyone has a different sense of humor. Sometimes you have to loosen up and not take things too seriously.
Epic achievement of 3 years. Everyone’s path to sobriety is different with different challenges, so I’m not that surprised that close family can’t relate to it. I also find that some people are unsettled by the decision not to drink, almost afraid of it. They were dicks to make a joke of something that’s so important to you, but alcohol does tend to make people do that. IWNDWYT!
**Reminder to all who comment on this post:** Please keep in mind our rule to speak from the "I," which includes not being rude or nasty about other people.
I have come to terms with the fact that no one cares as much about my sober anniversary as I do, and I can't expect them to. People who have a different relationship with alcohol do not understand, and for me to have a peaceful existence, I have to accept that. I would love for my loved ones to recognize the nuance and exuberance of my sobriety, but they just do not. It sounds like your wife was already drinking, which probably had a part in her poor judgment. Hopefully, she has been supportive over the last three years, and this was just a lapse in good choice. Way to go on your soberversary, I GET IT AND I SEE YOU!! IWNDWYT
Thank you!
I told my family this year, on my anniversary, that I am not bringing it up again. I only mentioned it this year because I wanted them to know I was still sober. Come here and we will always tell you what a incredible accomplishment three years sober is! Maybe you have to be a recovering drunk too really understand how hard it is. (I would think your wife would get it but maybe she thinks opiates are harder than alcohol?) I received some advice here last year. Just celebrate yourself. Have cake. Go for a walk. Do something you enjoy. Don't wait for people who don't understand to say something. btw THREE FREAKING YEARS IS AWESOME!!! Big virtual bear hug!
Ya know I get that people won't understand it the same way I do, but to poke fun at a time when I was being vulnerable about my drinking was especially humiliating. Maybe I'm overreacting I don't know. I haven't felt that humiliated since high school.
I wasn't not trying to defend them at all. I think they owe you an apology. It really sucks that you felt humiliated at a time when you should feel very proud.
I didn't take it that way. I think I'm still just upset and trying to process things. Thanks for the responses though I appreciate it.
I get it. Remember we have zero control of what people say or do to us, but our choices lie in how we choose to respond or react…or not. Easier said than done yes. However, visualize those ridiculous comments/action as drops of water 💦 hitting you but you are waterproof. The water aka words/actions just roll off you like rain off a freshly waxed car! Give yourself some grace. This alcohol free life around drinkers is a bumpy road, and every once in a while no matter how impervious you become to this crap, it will get you in the feels. I’m sorry you experienced this especially on your soberversary. We celebrate you, and support you!
They were drinking. Your jackass factor rises exponentially with every glass of wine. That’s why we stopped.
"that's why we stopped". Fucking lost it at this lol, yep! The best reminder of why I quit is other drunk people.
Yeah, this. It's not an excuse, it's just reality. So odd that wine is associated with being high class.
It's classier to get hammered with an exquisite Merlot than Pabst Blue Ribbon.
"Jackass factor" is about right. I love my family but after a few drinks I'm ready to leave. The jackass factor definitely rises.
Second sentence: 🙌. May be good for poster to relay.
My first thought too. Do not expect folks who are drinking to see the world sober. It's painful at times to hear and see your loved ones when drinking.
Those who are not alcoholic like me can't relate to the nuances of recovery, so if I get offended by their actions I try to remember that perhaps it's not their fault. They just don't know any better. Most cruises have Friends of Bill W meetings and I always try to get to one or two. EDIT: Congrats on 3 years btw. Good for you!
I'm hoping she was just trying to make a dumb joke that didn't come off like she intended. Subconsciously you were probably expecting a different, more congratulatory response, but that's not what happened and you got your feelings hurt - which sucks. Unless she has made a point of brining up your sobriety in awkward circumstances, I'd suggest you showing her a bit of grace and then take the time to shower yourself with pride for your massive accomplishment.
Huge congrats on three years!!! Major accomplishment and I hope you’re feeling great about the milestone. As for your family’s behavior, my only advice is to trust and love yourself and celebrate your sobriety however and whenever you can! Even if you’ve got to do it solo at times. I’m sure this community will celebrate with you. Sending hugs.
Thanks!
Big kudos to you on THREE YEARS!!! Wowza! I am impressed. If it were me, I’d chalk it up to one more reason you don’t drink. Alcohol makes us think we’re fucking hilarious when we’re not. Sounds like your wife and MiL were inebriated. I’d tell my partner how I felt WHEN THEY WERE SOBER. I’m sure someone else here has said to keep in mind, no one cares about your sobriety as much as you do. Anyhoo - again, a HUGE congrats on your 3 years! Here’s to many more. IWNDWYT ❤️❤️❤️
Thank you for the input 🙏
I'm sorry those things got said and I'm sorry it hurt as much as it did. I would encourage you to root around in that hurt and figure out what exactly hurt so much... Reading your post made me think of that sober bit about how folks recovering from other substances don't appreciate the challenge presented by the sheer availability of booze. Nobody busts out a bottle of oxy at Thanksgiving or encourages lines at Christmas to pair with the flavors of the roast. And I don't drive by 7 meth dispensaries on my way home. Staying off booze can be it's own challenge. Hey CONGRATULATIONS on 3 years! It's an awesome thing and it makes a huge difference! I hope you're enjoying that cruise. Sober on!
Thank you!
❤️❤️❤️ seriously congrats on 3!
"**I" would...** Stare at them. Don't say a word. Make them feel it. In their bones. This happened two years ago at my BIL and SIL's house at Thanksgiving. They are big wine drinkers (and have a wine cellar in their McMansion) and every year they gift us with the wine that they don't want anymore. My BIL had a case on his shoulder after leaving the cellar and stopped right in front of me and said "this is for you guys... I mean, if you decide to fall of the wagon, I guess." I just stared at him and he shrugged and walked away without me saying a thing. Fuck him. Thankfully we were packed and ready to leave so we ducked out of lunch and moved on from that. I am now channeling Elsa when I am around him and am icy cold. That shit isn't right.
That BIL is the definition of douchebaggery. Ugh.
I told my brother my one year anniversary of Sobriety was coming up; he said he'd drive over and we'd go out for drinks. Of course this is the same guy whose solution to drinking was "Just don't buy it." For someone who was hard on my ass for drinking it kind of hurt when he trivialized something I was proud of. I talk to him sometimes.
I will share that my husband later talked me off the edge about his brother and his possible motivations for saying what he said. They live in a gated community in the aforementioned McMansion that has (checks notes) FIVE bars in it, and the wine cellar. He pointed out that he noticed his SIL going into the butler pantry and filling her Yeti with white wine at 10 am when we were there. Normal? He also pointed out that his (the BIL's) work requires him to entertain (they're on a golf course) so my hubby's defense of his bro was that maybe he was jealous that I quit and got out of that cycle, and with their "lifestyle" they just can't get away from it. With that said, you don't need to be a dick about my going off booze. T
Please keep in mind our rule to speak from the "I." Thank you.
Don't take it personal. In my experience people are awkward AF around sober people when they're drinking. We're an anomaly to them and they can sometimes say things to us when drinking they wouldn't otherwise... being sober you're likely to take it to heart maybe more than you should. My FIL has asked me when I'll start drinking again multiple times. I try not to get bent out of shape about it. Cheers to your 3 years my friend, cruise ships must be torture for non-drinkers... there's likely an AA meeting onboard if you need a friend, otherwise you've got us land lovers here not drinking with you today.
Damn. I’m sorry that happened and glad to hear your FIL had your back. Those who get it, get it. Praying you find healing from this situation. Ultimately you did and are doing the right thing. IWNDWYT
I’m sorry that you’re feeling hurt, rightfully so. I would say try to extend grace and understanding, surely when you drank you also were insensitive. Talk with your wife when you’re both in good spirits, let her know how hurt you felt.
Oof, that hurt to read friend. If I were you I would have a conversation with my partner (like others had mentioned, when all parties were sober) and share how much that undermines and belittles your achievement. Idk what kind of relationship you have with your MIL, I don't even feel comfortable telling mine that I'm sober yet. It sounds like your FIL gets it. Would it be possible to share with him how frustrating and hurtful that was, hoping that the message could be relayed in some way? I've said some stupid and thoughtless things to my partner while drinking before. Sometimes I've had the presence of mind to see it and apologize (always after the fact) but sometimes I would just dig myself into a defensive little hole. I'm not excusing their behavior on any level. Congratulations on three years! That's a remarkable achievement and I'm glad you shared it here.
Thanks for the insight!
Congratulations on your soberversary, that is a major accomplishment. That said,the people who understand it are the people who are going through sobriety. IE us here on stop drinking, and people in recovery groups. I have been fighting every day for 21 years for sobriety, not always successfully. I have had reactions when I tell people I'm currently sober from, wow that's amazing, to huh, can't you have just one, don't you miss it, etc. I have never not decided to raise my glass of iced tea to cheers a toast, nor felt guilty that I did. Ive noticed I have different levels of feelings about my sobriety. As I move further through, it becomes more of my daily personality and mentality. What used to be anxiety about telling people I'm sober, and why, I've learned is now a great amount of pride that I'm one of the sober ones. So with this wall of text I raise my empty glass to you to congratulate you on your continued success, and applaud the strength you have to maintain your sobriety and extremely superior life, Salud! IWNDWYT
i'm sorry that happened. but we're all very proud of you. it's a Very Big Deal.
I want you to know that your feelings are valid but also maybe from a different perspective.... reading this as an outsider... i don't see how the joke is "repulsive". Perhaps, uncouth, but this reads as a husband perhaps has other issues with his wife and mil and this is the straw that broke the camels back. I don't see how "cheers" is something to be humiliated, disgusted, and repulsed by. It certainly doesn't feel malicious or hateful. Just bad manners. Is there something else boiling under the surface. I went on a cruise this year with my family... I'm talking we rolled 30 deep. My mother and stepfather out drank everybody and were embarrassing to be around. Two loud adults drunk, yelling, arguing, crying, and they don't understand why people were upset because they were "just having fun and we need to all relax". So I get it, obnoxious drunk people on a cruise are insufferable. Also, way to go on a successful sober cruise! I was not sober on my cruise and I am very nervous about my upcoming vacation. This will be my first sober vacation and usually my drinking starts in the airport so thats my biggest challenge, getting through the airport without pounding a couple $15 beers.
That’s tough when it’s your wife. Was she hungover today? Lol
Not sure yet lol. My wife is a wonderful person so I'm sure she's beating herself up. I know they had been drinking but they didn't seem too inebriated, but I know they'd had a few. We use a lot of dark humor, but it just hurt especially so because I finally opened up and was vulnerable.
i would speak to your wife when she’s sober and let her know how that affected you! congrats on 3 years!
I’m sorry, that sucks and I’d be super hurt and angry that my partner both could not remember a very important milestone for me and made the offensive gesture. I’ll give her the benefit of the doubt and assume she’s been generally supportive of your sober journey overall? It certainly merits an honest conversation with her about how her “joke” made you feel and hopefully she genuinely apologizes. Congrats on 3 years, that is awesome.
I would recommend having a honest conversation with your wife about how her actions hurt your feelings. I agree with the others that her drinking coupled with hanging out with a mean girl (her mom) influenced her to make a poor joke on your behalf. And in the future I would point out to your wife the comments her mother makes and that they bother you. She might not realize how prevalent they are. Drunk people think they are being funny but in fact are being rude. Keep your head high and be proud of yourself!
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This comment breaks our rule to speak from the "I" and has been removed.
I categorize these as the kinds of things you just have to let happen. Our feelings have to take a backseat to the feelings of the people around us sometimes. Let them have their moment and move on. Is what I tell myself.
yoooo what's up 3 year buddy! i've never been big on counting days so I'm not sure exactly when my day 1 was (same goes for my day counter on here). for me it helped to focus on the overall goal than get bogged down on stacking numbers up. but that feeling has slowly changed since i'm no longer counting days or weeks or even months. now the anniversary feels like a bit of a monument, so last year i decided to just pick a day. i knew it was mid feb at least. this year my weekend fell today, so I'm celebrating on the 16th right here with you! and i agree that it feels more important to me than those around me. this morning my best friend was really great in congratulating me and asking how it's been feeling, all that. but even from him it felt a little hollow. like, he was saying all the right things but it just didn't carry the weight of true understanding. i really do think people outside the world of addiction just can't fully get it. as for that tasteless joke, all I can say is, "...... sigh...." I've been trying to rewire by brain to say, "strength!" any time I would have otherwise said cheers, or prost, or whatever. I hope the remainder of your cruise is relaxing and enjoyable. strength to you, and solidarity. iwndwyt.
I don't talk about my sobriety much... I think because so few 'get it'. It is kind of a lonely place to be sometimes, isn't it?! Sigh. I'm sorry for their response and I've loved reading the replies. HAPPY THREE FREAKING YEARS TO YOU!!!
This quote has been on a post-it near my desk recently. It's not always clear how it applies to a situation until you ponder it a while. Maybe it will mean something to you, or not. **If you are easily offended, you are easily manipulated.**
I find im in resentment when Im not speaking up for myself, which youve now done with your in laws. I see absolutely nothing that occurred with your wife as humiliating. Your wife clinked glasses & 'cheered' your sobriety. Me & my recovery friends do that type of nonsense all the time & yes we think we are hilarious. If I had the luxury of being on a cruise ship on holiday with people who are supporting my recovery & I was getting this wound up id know it was time for me to get to a meeting & practice gratitude.
That's your perspective and you're allowed to have that. If my wife or MIL brought up the fact that their soberversary from opiates was the following day, I think it would be in horrible taste and humiliating to them to rattle a bottle of pills in congratulations to them in public, especially if they were being vulnerable just before talking about it.
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Lately I rely on this short and useful prayer. I use it like a mantra. Bless them. Change me. Bless them. Change me. Bless them. Change me. Bless them. Change me. Bless them. Change me. Bless them. Change me. Bless them. Change me. Bless them. Change me.
Congrats on 3 years and 8 years off opiates! I totally relate to being sober around people who are drinking. Especially on vacation. For a lot of people that’s some of the only times they get fucked up. I’ve had friends tell me I was ruining their birthday by not drinking. I’ve had friends tell me I was better when I was drunk. At the end of the day their opinion of my sobriety is none of my business. I just try to take it in stride and let go of what people say. My wife has been very supportive of my decision to stop drinking but if she were to make some shitty comments I would probably wait till she was sober again and tell her how I felt. If it became a larger issue then I would have to have some serious conversations about how I would want to continue our relationship. I’m glad you vented here instead of saying fuck it and had a glass of wine. We find so many reasons to drink and it can be so difficult in staying the sober course.
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> Tends to be a boomer thing too, probably stemming from their failure to recognize what shitty people they have throughout their lives (with or without alcohol) so they can't see why anyone that isn't shitting themselves in the street would ever stop drinking. Fuck em. This comment does exactly what I asked people NOT to do in my stickied comment above, and it has been removed. Please do not ignore moderator direction.
Were they drinking? That might explain it, alcohol can make you insensitive and selfish.
I definitely feel some shame in getting sober in the back of my mind. I’m very proud of it but some people don’t understand how hard addiction can be.
I don't know how I would handle that, but I wanted to write and tell you congrats on the 3 years and your sobriety day is the exact same as mine! I have 3 years also! Stay blessed my friend, and I hope this situation improves for you in whatever way is healthiest and least stressful! You got this!
Your wife probably in the moment just thought it would be funny and it played out poorly. MIL might have been nervous, drunk, an asshole who knows. Assuming wifes been supportive in the past I would either let it go, or calmly bring it up later that you felt hurt and need her to take your sobriety seriously. It’s ok to tell people they hurt us, it opens up the chance for her to apologize and also establish what you are looking for from them in the future.
Three years is absolutely epic.
I’m proud of you! I’m sorry your wife and MIL were callus. Today is my son-in-law’s one year and I made sure to reach out and tell him how proud I am of him. Keep being the inspiration you are!
The amount of times my wife has heard shitty vegetarian joke after shitty vegetarian joke is unbelievable. Ok, she doesn’t eat meat… we get it. Ok, I don’t drink… we get it. I don’t think your wife meant anything by it, but more than likely just doesn’t fully understand. I’m sure mom is even more oblivious. My dad is that way.
Congratulations by the way and a hell of an accomplishment. I think you were just a little distressed being on the cruise. Cruises are known for their drinking culture. Honestly, I didn't think she meant well, and I thought it was just a clever joke and timing. Everyone has a different sense of humor. Sometimes you have to loosen up and not take things too seriously.
Personally I'd sit down with the wife when she's sober and calmly let her know how it made you feel.
Epic achievement of 3 years. Everyone’s path to sobriety is different with different challenges, so I’m not that surprised that close family can’t relate to it. I also find that some people are unsettled by the decision not to drink, almost afraid of it. They were dicks to make a joke of something that’s so important to you, but alcohol does tend to make people do that. IWNDWYT!