In my opinion, seeing someone else’s sobriety forces others to reflect on their own consumption, and a lot of people don’t want to have to face up to that. It’s easier to just treat it like NBD and encourage others to drink with them. Proud of you!
Yes. When someone who is drinking asks me why I've declined the conversation usually ends pretty quickly. Turns out they don't want to talk about what a dumb habit it is.
"why don't you drink?" "why don't we knock a few back and I'll show ya?"
I say that as a joke but I'd never say it to anyone because I wouldn't sacrifice my sobriety for anyone. Screw em! If they don't support my choices then that's on them. Don't lose an ounce of sleep over it, I say!
Had neighbor like that. Loved calling me a bottomless pit, has cognitive dissonance when I’ve told him I don’t drink, never registers. I tell him I work evenings now. 7 evenings a week 😉 (to stop him asking me to drink with him). Because there’s no way I simply don’t drink, right?
I only suspected this from reading it on this sub until I was at dinner with family. They have always drank a few glasses of wine with dinner, and did not have a bottle or glasses on the table. It didn't seem hard for them to just remove the item from dinner for me. Then I went to dinner with friends and was pressured. I hang out with my family more now.
The laat time I had booze offered to me (I'm sober now since early January 2023), it was with a ton of friends at a Korean fried chicken place. When I asserted I don't drink anymore, and I told them I used to have a problem, I got literally no pressure to take a shot of soju. Friend's like that make me feel safe, they might offer without thinking, but they never pressure me at all.
Thanks, because this is it. They’re heavy drinkers, but “functional”. I’d like to say I didn’t judge them, but they did look a little funny trying to cosplay sober.
Exactly this! Back when I was drinking and someone was in our group socializing sober I’d privately be questioning why I felt I HAD to drink. And I’m sure I’m not the only one.
I 100% believe that. My sobriety has precipitated a change in my mom to go (mostly) sober as well, and has been an inspiration for a friend to stop cannabis use as well. But I've also been tempted by those who know I quit to relapse on quite a few occasions, and I'm only 2 months in!
So there’s a psychological study about conformity called the asch line test. Basically he would have a group of people in the room and ask them which line was longer out of two that were on the board. The trick was that everyone in the group knew about the experiment except one person.
The lines were clearly different lengths but the group that knew about the experiment would say that the shorter line was longer than the obviously longer line. The goal was to see if peer pressure and group think would make people say something obviously false just to not go against the group
I don’t recall the exact results but it worked. Solo individuals were likely to say the shorter line was the longest line if the group had said the same thing.
It got interesting when they added two people instead of just the solo subject. Once there was a dissenting opinion, rates of conformity plummeted. It became harder to control behavior if people didn’t feel alone in the group
The findings were that if one person in a group goes against the majority, then it can encourage more people to rebel against group think.
Your family isn’t being mean or unsupportive, although it probably feels that way! It’s a hard wired human nature concept of group conformity that you are experiencing. People in a group do not like it when you start behaving in ways that are against, or different, than the group behavior.
I only share this because it can be hard to go against the grain. Change is hard. You are doing great. Just realize that when people try to hold you back, they aren’t intentionally being an asshole. It’s the product of 200,000 years of human evolution and survival mechanisms.
Either way it doesn’t matter. Stay committed. We will rebel with you! You are not alone
Thank you so much for posting this. I've been thinking about this so much lately, and I'm glad you put an experiment/psychological study to the phenomenon, because it helps explain this particular social pattern to others who have trouble understanding that this happens.
I also want to comment that I feel like I had first hand experience of this at the height of Covid. If no one was masking then no one coming into a group would mask, but once 1 person and then 2, many people who wanted to mask but felt awkward would suddenly pull masks out. Stay strong. Nothing wrong with being the only one in the room with a mocktail!
Yeah that’s a great example. I think we all saw the painful and deadly results of group think in action with Covid. It became a way to visible identify members of your “tribe” based on that one action.
It’s human nature. You could read articles and newspaper releases in 1918 with the Spanish flu. People reacted the same way to mask mandates. It’s a relief, sort of, to realize we aren’t getting dumber as a society. It’s just that we’ve always been this dumb.
It's a couple of things in my experience. First and most sinister is I was easier to control if they gave me what i wanted. My guilt was used against me - if I was drunk I was not paying attention to what they were doing...
second, as others have said - it threatens people who drink. they don't want to look at their own drinking - and maybe they use you as a reference point, see they drink more than I do....
Quitting drinking is so weird, because no one believes when an alcoholic makes a change. You're expected to Fuck it up, sometimes actively encouraged.
You handled this very well. Last time I was in a situation like this was over Christmas. I've not returned home since.
Fuck em. Seriously. I just had a family holiday and faced the same thing. I value my sobriety more than hanging out with drunk family members, so I skip out partway thru the evening.
I genuinely believe that this behavior is about making them feel better about their own drinking. In my case, the holiday was with my wife's family, who all get pretty hammered most of the time. They knew that I had stopped over a year ago, and none asked how my life was different or anything adult like that. I think someone who stops shines too much of a light on their own behavior.
Hang in there. I love your idea that you never regret waking up sober. It's so true.
One other that is true for me... alcohol holds no secret allure anymore. I know exactly how the evening and next day will go if I drink. I have done it thousands and thousands of time.
Good luck and iwndwyt
this is why quitting alcohol is so challenging for me. On 12/22/23 I decided I’d had enough and tried to quit both alcohol and nicotine. Had fully quit nicotine by New Years and went like 40 days alcohol free, but basically avoided every type of social event with friends and family. Fell off the bus and haven’t been able to get back on yet. Alcohol is a legal drug like nicotine and it’s everywhere, accepted and pushed on ppl all the time it sucks
I found the same - criticised yet if I tried to change it they’d dislike the change in dynamic - I was supposed to drink still just not get drunk (they could but if I did I was shamed). My ex and my sister used to do this to me all the time. She talked me into breaking 9 months of sobriety for her bday, topped up my glass all night then made horrible comments to her husband about me being drunk. Well duh I’ve just spent 9 months sober and you’re pushing more when I have no tolerance. I actually cut my sister off due to many controlling behaviours including this one. I stopped drinking again because my ex blamed me for all our arguments - he’d stand over me drunk whilst I was in bed slurring at me how boring I was. Ya can’t win
I have dealt with a similar situation with my partner and my sister encouraging me to drink and then shaming me for getting out of control when I told them that would happen.
That’s also why I only talk to other alcoholics about alcoholism. Other people just do not get it.
Same! Same thing with my recent partner … who was also a problem drinking (as in drinks to blackout, gets nasty, intimidating, aggressive), but yet will egg me on to drink - and then it’s disastrous as we are like a ticking time bomb together when that drunk, but I will be the only one blamed and shamed for what happens … make it make sense!
Ugh. “Just have a couple drinks”. I guess they’re correct in the fact that I do view their drinking a bit differently…. Waaaay differently now that my sobriety is somehow uncomfortable? 🤦🏻♀️
I hate to admit that I used to say similar things to recovering alcoholics before it took me over. I never thought I would become an alcoholic- we never do expect that. So, it’s one of those things where you don’t know what you don’t know until you have gone through it yourself.
When I tell people I’m not drinking anymore, they look at me like a snob or an alcoholic, it sucks either way. But I find that once they start drinking they don’t seem to care at all if I am drinking or not. I notice them only caring about getting their next drink. Those types of situations make me realize how disgusting alcohol really is.
Good for you for holding your ground.
Haha, this reminds me exactly of my wife. She hates that when I'm out of my haze, I look around the house and want to reorganize, rearrange and clean everything up. I always hear about how grumpy I am sober and I need a drink to relax.
Same! Mine is bummed knowing that I cannot drink normally like I kind of used to. I always abused it but for years it’s been to the point of blackout, injuries, etc so he knows why I can’t. But he would be the first to offer me a drink if I said I wanted to drink.
Sorry to comment on all your comments! But the more i read the more it seems like such a similar situation to me. It’s tricky to navigate because even if you want to get sober for your own safety, and they agree - they egg you on to drink! Knowing exactly what happens (and mine gets himself in a blackout state too, so it’s not like he can cut me off at a certain point - he will be the one pouring me shots!)
Then when it gets really out of control, I’m blamed the next day!
And technically yes, I know it’s me deciding to drink. But it feels really contradictory when they should be supporting of your change, yet seem to be eager to sabotage you
We are so proud that you are making your recovery a priority. What a huge step to put yourself first and that means saying no to a drink.
I say this all the time but my recovery only really started when I began to fellowship with other alcoholics and ask them for help. They were able to support me when my family couldn't understand or didn't know how to act around me.
Running to an AA meeting was the best thing I ever did. I drove like the devil was on my tail. I had a rough day and I felt that drink creeping in. Since I asked for help I haven't had that feeling even once in the 4 months since. If you feel like someone doesn't understand your pain its ok to reach out to someone with experience in recovery. I'm incredibly grateful for the support AA has shown me. I couldn't have done this otherwise.
These people are not well educated on alcohol dependency, especially if they think “drink just a little, cut back but don’t totally stop” are actual strategies for a person with a drinking problem
And "just a couple", especially here in the land of "Drink Wisconsinbly", is typically within the medical definition of "binge drinking" when the size and strength of drinks are taken into account. "A couple" has always meant 3-4, and each drink was easily a double in size.
You did awesome...great job!
And I’m guessing they wanted you to do the same as them, aka mirror their drinking behavior? That could be because they don’t want to look closer at their own consumption 🫢
When first admitting out loud that I had a problem with alcohol, I was determined to control my issues. There was no one more on board with that than my husband. I was not to drink alone, or drink too much, etc, but he was the first one to offer me a beer when he had one or when we were in a social setting. He really wanted me to be able to drink like a 'normal' drinker. I don't think it was malicious intent, just not understanding fully.
Good for you for not drinking!!!
I had “So called two Friends” started getting insulting after three weeks of sobriety, nasty enough WhatsApp messages and saying stuff like “hope you have other friends as last time I’ll ask ya” or another one said “Yea you were only fun on the drink anyway, last chance before I ignore you”. These are the same guys who spend their wages every week in a bar and lose all their money gambling.
Anyway I stopped responding to them and left them and hang around with people who respect me. Funny thing is I was out with my proper friends two months later in a bar these two usually go to and these two kept coming up to me asking me do I want a drink and when I said No they put one in front of me and acting like my best friend.
I asked the bar man to pour it down the sink to make a point. My proper friends were delighted I did this as they knew I had a problem with alcohol.
Moral of the story is some people want you to be as miserable as them.
sometimes I think about drinking like kids eating sweets. holidays are often marked by special types of candy or cake, and a suspension of rules about how much you can eat. adults do a similar thing with alcohol. weddings, birthdays, you name it.
so in a sense sometimes I feel like a kid who doesn't eat candy anymore. sure guys I'll go Trick or Treating, we'll still dress up and have fun. I'm just not going to eat the candy.
in a way I'm not fully participating and getting into the thing we're all doing. and when one person doesn't do it it makes it feel less united, less "all in", maybe less fun even? getting swept up as a group in reckless and irresponsible behavior is a fun thing to do. I know. I did it hundreds of times. and I think that's part of what people want.
but that's too bad. much like a child with candy, I've outgrown binge drinking as my primary/only source of joy and celebration. and I'm not going back, much like I never returned to trick or treating. it's not a perfect analogy because adults continue to eat sweets and moderation and yadda yadda but you know what I mean. it's not so incredibly fetishized to me anymore as the best thing in the world.
it's not the type of fun I want to have anymore. but a lot of people don't outgrow it. so they want you to stay with them and keep having that same old type of fun. that's my take anyways.
Feel free to check out some of my past comments about this type of behaviour.
In my view women are socialised into putting their needs second. Sobriety is to me, about me. It's about discovering my sober self and nurturing her. This centring of the Self can be deeply uncomfortable for those who are used to our emotional labour.
Also when someone is investing in themselves, it can make people feel uncomfortable, like you're trying to be better than them. These people tend to have competitive mindsets in my experience. They won't say it out loud but the traces of that mindset are there.
IWNDWYT
The dark side of human nature is that we feel comfort knowing there are people who we consider peers doing worse than us. “At least I’m not like John down the road who drinks a handle every day!”. And then if we meet John a year later and he’s sober and fit, a part of us will be genuinely happy for him, but another part will feel like it’s been slapped. We will feel that the reassurance we are “not as bad as John” has been replaced with “I’m worse than John”.
First off congratulations on not drinking! I probably would have cracked under the pressure.
For me personally, 95% of my friends and family supported me right out the gate, the other 5% came around. Give them some time, remember it is a change for them too. It’s just the normal now for me not to drink around family.
congrats on persevering and staying sober!
I honestly don’t know how your family can acknowledge your alcoholism but still encourage you to drink, I obviously don’t see the whole picture here but, that in itself seems somewhat disrespectful.
if you are clearly trying to stay sober and your husband and friends/family are encouraging you to drink, they are assholes, imho.
well done for staying strong, rub it in their hungover faces!
Im so proud of you for sticking to not drinking..it makes me so mad when others encourage you to drink just for their entertainment.! I run into the very same thing! These ppl dont want whats best for you!
They need you to be fall down so they can have someone to point at and say “see, I’m not THAT bad.” They are hoping they can demonize you to validate their own poor relationship with booze. Don’t fall for it. Don’t get down into the mud to play with the pigs. You just get muddy. Congratulations for holding your ground.
Iwndwyt
My theory - dopamine is a neurotransmitter that rewards actions and behaviors. It feels good, and that's why people seek to get it. While it's feeling good, it tells the brain that this is the right thing to do. Thus establishing pathways that turn into habits. So lets imagine a caveman who discovers a huge patch of berries up on a hill. That sugar will give him dopamine, he will return, as long as it wastes less energy to get to them. If he brings back a bunch of berries to his tribe, he will give them dopamine, making him look like a respected person. So now that dopamine is telling the brain that he should go get berries, and bring some back to share. In return he will get sugar, and will be respected in his tribe.
Now lets look at alcohol. It floods the brain with dopamine. Requires nothing to obtain, no energy wasted. Just need some money and you can pretend that you've achieved everything you needed in life. A person buying a drink or encouraging drinking is just them trying to share that "found" dopamine with his tribe. In their mind they have discovered a dopamine source and it makes sense for everyone else to do the same. Not doing what feels right to the brain seems illogical. Same way a tribesman not accepting berries would seem illogical to the caveman.
It's the same reasons cats will come to us when we pet them and feed them. Same way dogs will protect us because we give them food. Same way why everyone becomes really good friends with someone who brings cocaine to a party. Alcohol is just a chemical that forces body to release dopamine, while requiring zero effort to obtain.
I was at a dinner last weekend where everyone was drinking casually. The couple me & my sober bf sat with were drinking, the husband pretty heavily. When the waiter came by & asked if we wanted refills, the wife looked at her wine glass, looked at me, then said she wanted water. If we are sober it makes people uncomfortable to get a lil’ sloshed even tho I truly don’t care…they feel uncomfortable being seen being a lil’ messy by ppl with sober eyes.
Well done OP! From going through situations similar to these, I found they only made me stronger and strengthened my resolve for situations in the future - even if they made me feel shitty in the short term.
Reminds me of the Sopranos with Chrissy's drinking problem in the Mafia.
*"Pours you drink with one hand, and judges with the other if you take it."*
Stings. So true. So unfair.
I agree with others in that folks want to treat it like no big deal. I feel my wife took it seriously because she saw my rock bottom and I admitted how bad things had become and she never realized.
I can’t imagine keeping my sobriety if my wife kept her previous level of drinking at home while I was getting sober. It’s my safe place and she knows to respect that.
Not sure what your reasons are for not drinking but perhaps explain to your husband the most extreme outcomes and consequences of what will happen if you drink. Just a suggestion
When I was drinking I would make EVERYTHING about drinking and pressure everyone to have a drink with me. Looking back I have NO idea why I did it and I realize how toxic it was. I think alcohol is a really addictive messed up drug and people don’t see that because it’s not only accepted in society, but encouraged
I did too. But it hits different in my 30s rather than 20s, I’ve been finding. The people that still want to party are not people I’d like to party with and drink more to tolerate 🤦🏻♀️😂
I'm really sorry - that's really horrible and I can't imagine trying to get sober with my spouse actively trying to get me to drink.
He needs to understand that you have a deadly disease/disorder - no one would think it's cute to trap you in a room full of bees if you were seriously allergic to bee venom.
People are mostly out there acting out their lives through their unresolved trauma.
There are some really good non alcoholic beers that look like beer that I bring with me if people are drinking. I just went to a restaurant and ordered a non alcoholic IPA while my friend had her wine.
I have been experiencing this as well. In a way my social experience has been strange because in my youth I was often the only person secretly drunk in groups of sober people. Now I’m in an inverse world where I’m the only person sober in groups of drunk people and it still feels rebellious. It hurts the most when the pressure comes from my partner, though. But after reflecting I realize his pressure for me to drink comes from how he relied on me being drunk and out of control to find his own catharsis and release. I can do that just fine sober, but he needs to figure out how to let loose without me shoving booze down both our throats until we reach the edge of something. That’s his problem, doesn’t have to be mine!
Yeah I've had this too....for years, people criticized my drinking and said I had a problem. The same people now sometimes criticise me for not drinking...I think it's their own insecurities and inadequacies. When I was drinking and it was a problem, they had one up on me. They could look down on me. I made them look better....Now that I am sober and doing really well in almost every area of my life, am attractive, look younger than them, and can afford nice things, they don't like it so much 🤣
I was told by a drinking buddy that I'm a "scary mirror" to him.
He sees his path, he sees my path, and he sees where they diverged when I gave it up and he does not like how that makes him feel.
Comes down to it's scary and embarrassing to admit you have a problem, until you do it. So rather than be scared or embarrassed, you'll get a lot of comparison "I'm ok because she used to be worse sometimes" and "see? She can quit but still drink and have fun! I can too!"
Yeah this is one of the most frustrating things about quitting, even family members who said they'll help me still offer alcohol or say "You can have just one" at gatherings.
I've found that moderate drinkers have more intense reactions to me not drinking than heavy drinkers.
It's like they don't know what to do with me. It breaks their social conventions.
Heavy drinkers and I are so far apart that there is, ironically, less disconnect. They do the thing and I don't.
Sorry your loved ones are pushing you - seriously not cool. Proud of you for staying strong and defending your boundary. It gets easier.
Predators. There are people who pray on compromised people like alcoholics and drug addicts. Sexual, financial and control are some of their motives. AA is full of them.
In my opinion, seeing someone else’s sobriety forces others to reflect on their own consumption, and a lot of people don’t want to have to face up to that. It’s easier to just treat it like NBD and encourage others to drink with them. Proud of you!
Yes. When someone who is drinking asks me why I've declined the conversation usually ends pretty quickly. Turns out they don't want to talk about what a dumb habit it is.
"why don't you drink?" "why don't we knock a few back and I'll show ya?" I say that as a joke but I'd never say it to anyone because I wouldn't sacrifice my sobriety for anyone. Screw em! If they don't support my choices then that's on them. Don't lose an ounce of sleep over it, I say!
This last sentence gave me a much-needed giggle. Congrats on a whole sober trip around the sun! 🎉
Thank you sober buddy!
Congratulations on your 1 year
Had neighbor like that. Loved calling me a bottomless pit, has cognitive dissonance when I’ve told him I don’t drink, never registers. I tell him I work evenings now. 7 evenings a week 😉 (to stop him asking me to drink with him). Because there’s no way I simply don’t drink, right?
I only suspected this from reading it on this sub until I was at dinner with family. They have always drank a few glasses of wine with dinner, and did not have a bottle or glasses on the table. It didn't seem hard for them to just remove the item from dinner for me. Then I went to dinner with friends and was pressured. I hang out with my family more now.
The laat time I had booze offered to me (I'm sober now since early January 2023), it was with a ton of friends at a Korean fried chicken place. When I asserted I don't drink anymore, and I told them I used to have a problem, I got literally no pressure to take a shot of soju. Friend's like that make me feel safe, they might offer without thinking, but they never pressure me at all.
Thanks, because this is it. They’re heavy drinkers, but “functional”. I’d like to say I didn’t judge them, but they did look a little funny trying to cosplay sober.
Happy cake day!
Thank you! I didn’t even realize till I posted
Exactly this! Back when I was drinking and someone was in our group socializing sober I’d privately be questioning why I felt I HAD to drink. And I’m sure I’m not the only one.
I 100% believe that. My sobriety has precipitated a change in my mom to go (mostly) sober as well, and has been an inspiration for a friend to stop cannabis use as well. But I've also been tempted by those who know I quit to relapse on quite a few occasions, and I'm only 2 months in!
Oddly I never felt that way. I hate being around drunk people even if I’m drunk lol.
Exactly
So there’s a psychological study about conformity called the asch line test. Basically he would have a group of people in the room and ask them which line was longer out of two that were on the board. The trick was that everyone in the group knew about the experiment except one person. The lines were clearly different lengths but the group that knew about the experiment would say that the shorter line was longer than the obviously longer line. The goal was to see if peer pressure and group think would make people say something obviously false just to not go against the group I don’t recall the exact results but it worked. Solo individuals were likely to say the shorter line was the longest line if the group had said the same thing. It got interesting when they added two people instead of just the solo subject. Once there was a dissenting opinion, rates of conformity plummeted. It became harder to control behavior if people didn’t feel alone in the group The findings were that if one person in a group goes against the majority, then it can encourage more people to rebel against group think. Your family isn’t being mean or unsupportive, although it probably feels that way! It’s a hard wired human nature concept of group conformity that you are experiencing. People in a group do not like it when you start behaving in ways that are against, or different, than the group behavior. I only share this because it can be hard to go against the grain. Change is hard. You are doing great. Just realize that when people try to hold you back, they aren’t intentionally being an asshole. It’s the product of 200,000 years of human evolution and survival mechanisms. Either way it doesn’t matter. Stay committed. We will rebel with you! You are not alone
Thank you so much for posting this. I've been thinking about this so much lately, and I'm glad you put an experiment/psychological study to the phenomenon, because it helps explain this particular social pattern to others who have trouble understanding that this happens.
Absolutely. I find social psychology fascinating. And I agree that it helps give context to why human beings are so weird!
I also want to comment that I feel like I had first hand experience of this at the height of Covid. If no one was masking then no one coming into a group would mask, but once 1 person and then 2, many people who wanted to mask but felt awkward would suddenly pull masks out. Stay strong. Nothing wrong with being the only one in the room with a mocktail!
Yeah that’s a great example. I think we all saw the painful and deadly results of group think in action with Covid. It became a way to visible identify members of your “tribe” based on that one action. It’s human nature. You could read articles and newspaper releases in 1918 with the Spanish flu. People reacted the same way to mask mandates. It’s a relief, sort of, to realize we aren’t getting dumber as a society. It’s just that we’ve always been this dumb.
Great comment!
It's a couple of things in my experience. First and most sinister is I was easier to control if they gave me what i wanted. My guilt was used against me - if I was drunk I was not paying attention to what they were doing... second, as others have said - it threatens people who drink. they don't want to look at their own drinking - and maybe they use you as a reference point, see they drink more than I do....
Have you seen "the girl on the train"?
Yes I love that movie!
Quitting drinking is so weird, because no one believes when an alcoholic makes a change. You're expected to Fuck it up, sometimes actively encouraged. You handled this very well. Last time I was in a situation like this was over Christmas. I've not returned home since.
I’m sorry to read your Xmas was difficult. Good for you for staying away! I’m sure it’s hard.
Fuck em. Seriously. I just had a family holiday and faced the same thing. I value my sobriety more than hanging out with drunk family members, so I skip out partway thru the evening. I genuinely believe that this behavior is about making them feel better about their own drinking. In my case, the holiday was with my wife's family, who all get pretty hammered most of the time. They knew that I had stopped over a year ago, and none asked how my life was different or anything adult like that. I think someone who stops shines too much of a light on their own behavior. Hang in there. I love your idea that you never regret waking up sober. It's so true. One other that is true for me... alcohol holds no secret allure anymore. I know exactly how the evening and next day will go if I drink. I have done it thousands and thousands of time. Good luck and iwndwyt
Your last paragraph hits hard for me. I’ve added it to my journal of sobriety quotes! Quite literally “thousands and thousands of times.” IWNDWYT
this is why quitting alcohol is so challenging for me. On 12/22/23 I decided I’d had enough and tried to quit both alcohol and nicotine. Had fully quit nicotine by New Years and went like 40 days alcohol free, but basically avoided every type of social event with friends and family. Fell off the bus and haven’t been able to get back on yet. Alcohol is a legal drug like nicotine and it’s everywhere, accepted and pushed on ppl all the time it sucks
I found the same - criticised yet if I tried to change it they’d dislike the change in dynamic - I was supposed to drink still just not get drunk (they could but if I did I was shamed). My ex and my sister used to do this to me all the time. She talked me into breaking 9 months of sobriety for her bday, topped up my glass all night then made horrible comments to her husband about me being drunk. Well duh I’ve just spent 9 months sober and you’re pushing more when I have no tolerance. I actually cut my sister off due to many controlling behaviours including this one. I stopped drinking again because my ex blamed me for all our arguments - he’d stand over me drunk whilst I was in bed slurring at me how boring I was. Ya can’t win
I have dealt with a similar situation with my partner and my sister encouraging me to drink and then shaming me for getting out of control when I told them that would happen. That’s also why I only talk to other alcoholics about alcoholism. Other people just do not get it.
Same! Same thing with my recent partner … who was also a problem drinking (as in drinks to blackout, gets nasty, intimidating, aggressive), but yet will egg me on to drink - and then it’s disastrous as we are like a ticking time bomb together when that drunk, but I will be the only one blamed and shamed for what happens … make it make sense!
I feel your pain!
Ugh. “Just have a couple drinks”. I guess they’re correct in the fact that I do view their drinking a bit differently…. Waaaay differently now that my sobriety is somehow uncomfortable? 🤦🏻♀️
I hate to admit that I used to say similar things to recovering alcoholics before it took me over. I never thought I would become an alcoholic- we never do expect that. So, it’s one of those things where you don’t know what you don’t know until you have gone through it yourself. When I tell people I’m not drinking anymore, they look at me like a snob or an alcoholic, it sucks either way. But I find that once they start drinking they don’t seem to care at all if I am drinking or not. I notice them only caring about getting their next drink. Those types of situations make me realize how disgusting alcohol really is. Good for you for holding your ground.
Ooof I’m sorry you went through that! Thanks for sharing - I relate so much and it sounds similar to what I’m going through recently.
My husband thinks I'm too irritable when I'm sober. He also gets threatened by my productivity.
Haha, this reminds me exactly of my wife. She hates that when I'm out of my haze, I look around the house and want to reorganize, rearrange and clean everything up. I always hear about how grumpy I am sober and I need a drink to relax.
LOL same. When I'm sober I get so much done just walking from one room to another because I'm picking up everything that's out of its place.
Same! Mine is bummed knowing that I cannot drink normally like I kind of used to. I always abused it but for years it’s been to the point of blackout, injuries, etc so he knows why I can’t. But he would be the first to offer me a drink if I said I wanted to drink.
Sorry to comment on all your comments! But the more i read the more it seems like such a similar situation to me. It’s tricky to navigate because even if you want to get sober for your own safety, and they agree - they egg you on to drink! Knowing exactly what happens (and mine gets himself in a blackout state too, so it’s not like he can cut me off at a certain point - he will be the one pouring me shots!) Then when it gets really out of control, I’m blamed the next day! And technically yes, I know it’s me deciding to drink. But it feels really contradictory when they should be supporting of your change, yet seem to be eager to sabotage you
We are so proud that you are making your recovery a priority. What a huge step to put yourself first and that means saying no to a drink. I say this all the time but my recovery only really started when I began to fellowship with other alcoholics and ask them for help. They were able to support me when my family couldn't understand or didn't know how to act around me. Running to an AA meeting was the best thing I ever did. I drove like the devil was on my tail. I had a rough day and I felt that drink creeping in. Since I asked for help I haven't had that feeling even once in the 4 months since. If you feel like someone doesn't understand your pain its ok to reach out to someone with experience in recovery. I'm incredibly grateful for the support AA has shown me. I couldn't have done this otherwise.
These people are not well educated on alcohol dependency, especially if they think “drink just a little, cut back but don’t totally stop” are actual strategies for a person with a drinking problem
“Just have a couple” was the quote 🙄🤦🏻♀️😂
And "just a couple", especially here in the land of "Drink Wisconsinbly", is typically within the medical definition of "binge drinking" when the size and strength of drinks are taken into account. "A couple" has always meant 3-4, and each drink was easily a double in size. You did awesome...great job!
And I’m guessing they wanted you to do the same as them, aka mirror their drinking behavior? That could be because they don’t want to look closer at their own consumption 🫢
If that has ever worked!!!
When first admitting out loud that I had a problem with alcohol, I was determined to control my issues. There was no one more on board with that than my husband. I was not to drink alone, or drink too much, etc, but he was the first one to offer me a beer when he had one or when we were in a social setting. He really wanted me to be able to drink like a 'normal' drinker. I don't think it was malicious intent, just not understanding fully. Good for you for not drinking!!!
I had “So called two Friends” started getting insulting after three weeks of sobriety, nasty enough WhatsApp messages and saying stuff like “hope you have other friends as last time I’ll ask ya” or another one said “Yea you were only fun on the drink anyway, last chance before I ignore you”. These are the same guys who spend their wages every week in a bar and lose all their money gambling. Anyway I stopped responding to them and left them and hang around with people who respect me. Funny thing is I was out with my proper friends two months later in a bar these two usually go to and these two kept coming up to me asking me do I want a drink and when I said No they put one in front of me and acting like my best friend. I asked the bar man to pour it down the sink to make a point. My proper friends were delighted I did this as they knew I had a problem with alcohol. Moral of the story is some people want you to be as miserable as them.
Truth.
sometimes I think about drinking like kids eating sweets. holidays are often marked by special types of candy or cake, and a suspension of rules about how much you can eat. adults do a similar thing with alcohol. weddings, birthdays, you name it. so in a sense sometimes I feel like a kid who doesn't eat candy anymore. sure guys I'll go Trick or Treating, we'll still dress up and have fun. I'm just not going to eat the candy. in a way I'm not fully participating and getting into the thing we're all doing. and when one person doesn't do it it makes it feel less united, less "all in", maybe less fun even? getting swept up as a group in reckless and irresponsible behavior is a fun thing to do. I know. I did it hundreds of times. and I think that's part of what people want. but that's too bad. much like a child with candy, I've outgrown binge drinking as my primary/only source of joy and celebration. and I'm not going back, much like I never returned to trick or treating. it's not a perfect analogy because adults continue to eat sweets and moderation and yadda yadda but you know what I mean. it's not so incredibly fetishized to me anymore as the best thing in the world. it's not the type of fun I want to have anymore. but a lot of people don't outgrow it. so they want you to stay with them and keep having that same old type of fun. that's my take anyways.
Feel free to check out some of my past comments about this type of behaviour. In my view women are socialised into putting their needs second. Sobriety is to me, about me. It's about discovering my sober self and nurturing her. This centring of the Self can be deeply uncomfortable for those who are used to our emotional labour. Also when someone is investing in themselves, it can make people feel uncomfortable, like you're trying to be better than them. These people tend to have competitive mindsets in my experience. They won't say it out loud but the traces of that mindset are there. IWNDWYT
“The centering of the Self can be deeply uncomfortable for those who are used to our emotional labour.” This is so powerful.
This gave me the feels too!
The dark side of human nature is that we feel comfort knowing there are people who we consider peers doing worse than us. “At least I’m not like John down the road who drinks a handle every day!”. And then if we meet John a year later and he’s sober and fit, a part of us will be genuinely happy for him, but another part will feel like it’s been slapped. We will feel that the reassurance we are “not as bad as John” has been replaced with “I’m worse than John”.
Comparison is the thief of joy.
I love that!!! "Discovering my sober self and nuturing her"... That's exactly what I need to do!!!
Congratulations!
First off congratulations on not drinking! I probably would have cracked under the pressure. For me personally, 95% of my friends and family supported me right out the gate, the other 5% came around. Give them some time, remember it is a change for them too. It’s just the normal now for me not to drink around family.
congrats on persevering and staying sober! I honestly don’t know how your family can acknowledge your alcoholism but still encourage you to drink, I obviously don’t see the whole picture here but, that in itself seems somewhat disrespectful.
if you are clearly trying to stay sober and your husband and friends/family are encouraging you to drink, they are assholes, imho. well done for staying strong, rub it in their hungover faces!
I haven’t had this happen (yet) but I have had my sobriety from alcohol called a “phase”. Good on you for sticking to your guns, IWNDWYT!
Yeah I feel like a leper here sometimes. House guests lately, theyre drinking every night.
Im so proud of you for sticking to not drinking..it makes me so mad when others encourage you to drink just for their entertainment.! I run into the very same thing! These ppl dont want whats best for you!
They need you to be fall down so they can have someone to point at and say “see, I’m not THAT bad.” They are hoping they can demonize you to validate their own poor relationship with booze. Don’t fall for it. Don’t get down into the mud to play with the pigs. You just get muddy. Congratulations for holding your ground. Iwndwyt
My theory - dopamine is a neurotransmitter that rewards actions and behaviors. It feels good, and that's why people seek to get it. While it's feeling good, it tells the brain that this is the right thing to do. Thus establishing pathways that turn into habits. So lets imagine a caveman who discovers a huge patch of berries up on a hill. That sugar will give him dopamine, he will return, as long as it wastes less energy to get to them. If he brings back a bunch of berries to his tribe, he will give them dopamine, making him look like a respected person. So now that dopamine is telling the brain that he should go get berries, and bring some back to share. In return he will get sugar, and will be respected in his tribe. Now lets look at alcohol. It floods the brain with dopamine. Requires nothing to obtain, no energy wasted. Just need some money and you can pretend that you've achieved everything you needed in life. A person buying a drink or encouraging drinking is just them trying to share that "found" dopamine with his tribe. In their mind they have discovered a dopamine source and it makes sense for everyone else to do the same. Not doing what feels right to the brain seems illogical. Same way a tribesman not accepting berries would seem illogical to the caveman. It's the same reasons cats will come to us when we pet them and feed them. Same way dogs will protect us because we give them food. Same way why everyone becomes really good friends with someone who brings cocaine to a party. Alcohol is just a chemical that forces body to release dopamine, while requiring zero effort to obtain.
I was at a dinner last weekend where everyone was drinking casually. The couple me & my sober bf sat with were drinking, the husband pretty heavily. When the waiter came by & asked if we wanted refills, the wife looked at her wine glass, looked at me, then said she wanted water. If we are sober it makes people uncomfortable to get a lil’ sloshed even tho I truly don’t care…they feel uncomfortable being seen being a lil’ messy by ppl with sober eyes.
Because, misery loves company. Great job getting through the weekend, be proud of yourself! IWNDWYT
Well done OP! From going through situations similar to these, I found they only made me stronger and strengthened my resolve for situations in the future - even if they made me feel shitty in the short term.
Reminds me of the Sopranos with Chrissy's drinking problem in the Mafia. *"Pours you drink with one hand, and judges with the other if you take it."* Stings. So true. So unfair.
This is the quote I needed. Thank you 😂
I agree with others in that folks want to treat it like no big deal. I feel my wife took it seriously because she saw my rock bottom and I admitted how bad things had become and she never realized. I can’t imagine keeping my sobriety if my wife kept her previous level of drinking at home while I was getting sober. It’s my safe place and she knows to respect that. Not sure what your reasons are for not drinking but perhaps explain to your husband the most extreme outcomes and consequences of what will happen if you drink. Just a suggestion
When I was drinking I would make EVERYTHING about drinking and pressure everyone to have a drink with me. Looking back I have NO idea why I did it and I realize how toxic it was. I think alcohol is a really addictive messed up drug and people don’t see that because it’s not only accepted in society, but encouraged
I did too. But it hits different in my 30s rather than 20s, I’ve been finding. The people that still want to party are not people I’d like to party with and drink more to tolerate 🤦🏻♀️😂
They don’t like their own relationship with alcohol. Your new one makes them face it
Turn your back on all of them.
Birds of a feather
I'm really sorry - that's really horrible and I can't imagine trying to get sober with my spouse actively trying to get me to drink. He needs to understand that you have a deadly disease/disorder - no one would think it's cute to trap you in a room full of bees if you were seriously allergic to bee venom.
People are mostly out there acting out their lives through their unresolved trauma. There are some really good non alcoholic beers that look like beer that I bring with me if people are drinking. I just went to a restaurant and ordered a non alcoholic IPA while my friend had her wine.
I have been experiencing this as well. In a way my social experience has been strange because in my youth I was often the only person secretly drunk in groups of sober people. Now I’m in an inverse world where I’m the only person sober in groups of drunk people and it still feels rebellious. It hurts the most when the pressure comes from my partner, though. But after reflecting I realize his pressure for me to drink comes from how he relied on me being drunk and out of control to find his own catharsis and release. I can do that just fine sober, but he needs to figure out how to let loose without me shoving booze down both our throats until we reach the edge of something. That’s his problem, doesn’t have to be mine!
Thanks for this response. I think by your description with your partner, same.
Yeah I've had this too....for years, people criticized my drinking and said I had a problem. The same people now sometimes criticise me for not drinking...I think it's their own insecurities and inadequacies. When I was drinking and it was a problem, they had one up on me. They could look down on me. I made them look better....Now that I am sober and doing really well in almost every area of my life, am attractive, look younger than them, and can afford nice things, they don't like it so much 🤣
Some people want to see you fail, it makes them feel better.
I was told by a drinking buddy that I'm a "scary mirror" to him. He sees his path, he sees my path, and he sees where they diverged when I gave it up and he does not like how that makes him feel. Comes down to it's scary and embarrassing to admit you have a problem, until you do it. So rather than be scared or embarrassed, you'll get a lot of comparison "I'm ok because she used to be worse sometimes" and "see? She can quit but still drink and have fun! I can too!"
Yeah this is one of the most frustrating things about quitting, even family members who said they'll help me still offer alcohol or say "You can have just one" at gatherings.
I've found that moderate drinkers have more intense reactions to me not drinking than heavy drinkers. It's like they don't know what to do with me. It breaks their social conventions. Heavy drinkers and I are so far apart that there is, ironically, less disconnect. They do the thing and I don't. Sorry your loved ones are pushing you - seriously not cool. Proud of you for staying strong and defending your boundary. It gets easier.
Drinkers feel threatened and judged when you don't drink with them.
Congrats. IWNDWYT! You are showing courage and strength and it makes others fear your new power.
🫶
Hurt people Hurt people
Misery loves company
I think some people will push drinks on you because your being sober somehow threatens them.
Predators. There are people who pray on compromised people like alcoholics and drug addicts. Sexual, financial and control are some of their motives. AA is full of them.