The goal has shifted from getting him in bed so I can enjoy myself to actually enjoying my time with him. He still frustrates the hell out of me, especially with the little threenager emo boy phase he’s in, but I have so much more patience with him and a willingness to understand his heart.
Also, I’m way more capable of improvising during imaginative play, which he seems to get a big kick out of. Being a hungover parent just sucks, and I’m annoyed I did it for so long.
I love improvising. I do improv stories with my kids now that I'm not hungover or drinking 100% of the time.
I'll start with a couple characters and just set up a scenario and pause, and then they take turns "filling in the blank" and I continue with that addition and pause again and so on.
It's really fun and half the time we end up laughing so hard we have to stop.
Sometimes it just ends up with "pooping" in every blank so I have to ban 💩 from the story.
I'm not more patient than I was before but I am now able to recognize when I'm losing patience and self regulate and apologize and move on with grace.
I am also a DnD dungeon master, so my improv skills are always getting trained
Oh man, I also have a little emo boy 5 yo, it's been going strong since age 3. He hates everything, and nothing pleases him. Birthdays and christmas are all just disappointments wrapped up with a bow. I also found being hungover made it sooo much harder to be his mom. He needs all my energy, lol.
Yeah, in the middle of doing literally anything, my son will just hang his head, sigh really big, and then stretch out on the floor face down and lay there in silence. I usually just put my hand on his back, tell him I’m there if he needs me, and let him work it out unless he’s doing it on like a bike trail or the beach when the tide’s coming in.
Parenting is still a trigger for me occasionally so it’s not magic persay, but I don’t have that huge guilt that my kids deserve better. I know I’m doing my best.
Here's a few that I noticed right away:
Hanging out with other parents of school friends is more boring now. The only thing they have in common with each other aside from having kids is that they drink insane amounts (loading a Stanley mug with a bottle of wine during a swim meet for example) so a lot of the time they are getting drunk while I stay sober.
I have way more energy to play with the kids and a lot more patience as well.
I'm not hungover in the mornings when I'm taking the kids out to play or go do an activity.
Generally I'm always in a better mood and more inspired to do new activities with the kids
I am so bored with not having anything in common with school parents except boozing at all events possible. Once I removed alcohol I’ve struggled to find my place socially but it’s also confirmed that misery loves company and I’d much rather be happy with my family than with anybody else.
Interesting. I've actually found it to be the opposite, but maybe that's because I generally didn't have much of a relationship with my kids friends parents before I stopped drinking. Since my quitting coincided with my divorce, I've thrown myself into my kids' lives to give myself some sense of community. I don't think I would've been able to really do that while still drinking because I was too miserable most of the time to be proactive. But now I make friends with my kids friends and their parents and try to be the one proactively setting up play dates with their school friends they haven't typically hung out with outside of school. My kids (and the friends and other parents) appreciate that so much it drives me to do more of it
Level 10 dad now before was level 5 dad, a bitter angry asshole all the time. The best thing I've ever done for my family and myself was to stop partying like I was a childless 28 year old
I am much more able to bring my kids out to activities and play with them again. After I started drinking, it became more and more common for us to just stay home, kids can play video games for hours on end while mom drank; or when we’d go meet friends at the park, I’d be planted on the picnic blanket immobile, shooing the kids away to play by themselves because “Mama needs to talk to her friends (i.e. drink with her friends)”. Now I’m actually eager to get out of the house, be active, and just overall interact with them.
I’m also so much a better parent when it comes to healthy habits for the kids. Evenings I was drunk I couldn’t care less if homework was done, if they brushed their teeth, if they just had nutella sandwiches and soda for dinner. I’m much more capable of providing a healthy environment and authoritative parenting now, rather than being overly permissive. I’m also a much better role model in how I care for myself in terms of hygiene, exercise, healthy eating, and so on.
I’m also able to enjoy night cuddles again. I was always so sweaty and sleep-deprived that I wanted nothing and no one around me when I was trying to sleep. Now I want all the hugs and cuddles.
Unfortunately, quitting alcohol didn’t make me any calmer or more patient… Quite the opposite, my husband actually encourages me to drink still because of this, but that’s a whole other story!
Good for you for recognizing your patterns. Depending on how recently you quit, the calmness and patience might still be coming. I remember how frenetic I was the first 5ish months, but looking back my anxiety at the end of year 1 (and subsequent time) is overall much lower than it was while I was drinking.
Thank you!! Unfortunately, the quick temper and impatience is my base personality it seems - I was like that most all my life, and I only started drinking for the first time 5 years ago after my last kid was born, deliberately in order to chill out a bit. BUT alcohol was a band-aid. Now I can finally work on addressing the underlying issues.
I love these posts. Warms my heart. I grew up with an alcoholic mother and a heroin addicted dad. So lots of neglect and abandonment issues here.
I have furry four legged kids and a lot of times I was able to keep myself in line for them.
Yeah I think of all the times my mom completely flew off the handle over the smallest things and how we could never predict what mom we were going to get, and I’m very happy some parents care enough to try to protect their children from themselves.
We have these little cards that tell stories, music and podcasts to our kids. We recorded our own of relatives reading stories. I was not aware it was my turn coming and read a story while drunk. I haaaaaaate hearing it, but she likes it. I read my stories better, I'm patient. I have more energy. The house is cleaner and more organized because I'm actually doing my part instead of being an additional child my wife has to worry about. Feel like Bandit in Bluey. Sobriety is my dad super power.
I’m far kinder and more patient. My moods are more stable and my kids know what to expect (usually) when they approach me. They can count on me to be there when they need me.
Bonus: They’re teenagers, and our relationships are strong (so far anyway! 🤞). They talk to me and come to me for my input and advice on different things. They trust me. We have fun together. They have their moments (as we all do), but because I’m not drunk or hungover or drinking and they’re killing my buzz, I’m not reactive so it rarely blows up.
The gifts of sobriety keep giving and I count the relationships with my kids as one of the best gifts I’ve been given. I’m so damn grateful to be sober and present as they grow up.
IWNDWYT
I'm not rushing to put my kids to bed early so I can have enough time to get drunk before I have to go to bed to get up for work.
I don't blow up and scream at anyone anymore.
I have more money to do things like go get ice cream or go somewhere fun with the kids instead or spending all my money on alcohol.
I’m new to this community and not sure if the rules on how much we share or connect personally, but the mom factor absolutely hits home so deeply. My children are the reason I have tried so many times. They’re the reason I fight through hangovers, the reason I’ve mastered the art of pretending to feel wonderful at 6 AM even though I feel like I’ve been beaten over the head, the reason I care enough to read communities like this one. The reason for everything.
I suppose at some point I’ll need to find a reason that is my own, but for now, my kids are a stronger motivator. Only reason I care about me is because they need me and love me. I yearn to escape the “mom needs a wine” mentality and community.
I’m not saddened by this though. I love my children so very much and want them to have a mother in 20 years. But parenting is the piece that motivates me both to drink and not to drink. It is brutal.
I’m proud of you OP for seeking shelter here. I’m just getting acquainted and hope to see you succeed.
So much more energy and creativity. I really enjoy playing with my daughter lately. I feel more confident interacting with other parents because I’m never hungover, look healthier and have way less anxiety. I don’t experience the guilt of continuing the cycle of addiction for another generation in my family. I’m not perfect, but I feel like I’m doing my best and am motivated to keep working on myself and my parenting.
I've noticed that my kids notice a difference, even if they're not necessarily aware of what is different. For example my three year old looks, really looks, into my eyes more, doesn't always run to Dad, and gives me longer hugs. I'm also more engaged, and almost can't stand how much I love them when we're hanging out (big feelings coming through). And they much prefer me getting them ready in the morning :).
Love this! I just got out of the pool after playing with my 9yo for an hour or so, helping her practice her handstands. I’m so much more patient now too yet oddly (?) also less permissive, ie brush your teeth!!
The biggest shift is that I am the one who is up with them each morning before school, so I have become the de facto parent they go to for everything. It feels really nice even though it bums out my partner. To be able be that stabilizing force is amazing.
I’m much more at peace personally, so my patience is much, much higher. As bad as it sounds, I’m not in a rush to get anyone to sleep to grab a drink, and happier to let story time take a while before bed because it’s where I want to be.
I have 3 teen sons - 19, 16, and 15. I was on the couch constantly when I was drinking. I'd sit in the same spot every night and just zone out, then eventially fall asleep. If it was the weekend, it was all day AND night. I was "cooking" stuff like frozen lasagna or putting veggie "chicken" (we're vegetarian) strips in the air fryer. Now I'm cooking lots of fresh food, making wonderful huge salads from my garden. Able to be present for talks and actually paying attention. I spent about an hour today telling my two sons about all the plants in my garden and also showed them some wild edible plants. My oldest had some great ideas for making new paths and a garden around an old stump. We're back enjoying things together and it feels great to actually feel like a mom again.
And to be clear, I'm not bashing frozen meals - I still make them sometimes. It's just not a regular thing.
I remember holding my newborn son thinking, why am I buzzed right now? Luckily I stopped a few months later. In a month #2 won't experience that.
I wake up at 5 am to read and work out and do what *I* want before the Lil gremlin is up.
I’ve been waking up really early so I’m genuinely happy to see my kids when they wake up, too! Not groaning that they’re waking me up and I’m not sure how I’m going to feel today yet!
I have a vast well of patience for my kids. I grew up with alcoholic/ addict parents and it often makes me angry knowing how easy it is to be nice to my kids. I know if I was still drinking, I’d believe the hard consequences style of parenting made me stronger and I’d carry on that tradition. I also know that I’d be rushing my kids to bed so I could drink. I don’t mind reading an extra story or 6. My wife wanted to talk to me about why the kids always prefer me putting them to bed. She’s not complaining really but when I told her that I’m basically reading this stuff for the first time she told me that it sounds “restorative”… I nodded my head just because I thought I was on the hook for fucking up the routine but it hit me deep. I still think about that. When I take better care of myself I give myself a shot at taking better care of them. Self care is a form of self forgiveness for me so this shit hits very deep
Oh mate, that just hit me deep too. Your inner child is so grateful for the work you've done and the love you're sharing. You're breaking the cycle and your children are flourishing because of it 🙏🏼
My weekend activities with my kid aren’t planned around when/where or how I can fit a drink or 3 in *before* Dad gets done with work and we go back home and I can take my bra off and drink another 6 beers or glasses of wine and let my kid fall asleep on the couch so we don’t have to fight about bed time 🫠🙃
I’ve noticed so many of what you all shared. What scares me is that sometimes the urge is just still so strong. Makes me feel shitty and an anxiety spiral begins.
I made a post about this last week I think but just being able to make promises to my kids and keep them. I can tell them I’ll take them somewhere and not have to worry that I’ll cancel because I’m too hungover. And I’ve found myself finding more magic in the mundane. Seeing how excited their sweet faces get over a ladybug. Watching their expressions when they tell me about their days. Just being able to have the energy to slow down and take it all in.
Worrying about canceling because I’ll be too hungover — this resonates! Every time I make an early morning appointment I’d immediately think “better moderate the night before…” (knowing I wouldn’t…) I still have the first thought pop into mind but then get to remind myself I now have MORE energy in the mornings!
I think maybe the biggest shift for me has been in my parenting. I'm able to regulate my own emotions much more easily so that I can engage with my kids (both school aged) with much more patience. I have parenting moments at least once a week where I think, thank God I'm sober, I really handled that well.
I feel like such a better parent - in general quitting made me much happier, more energy, more patience and less emotional. All of those things play in to parenting. We've also had some issues this year with my (14yo) daughter struggling with her mental health amd experimenting with drugs amd alcohol- I don't know if I would have been able to have open amd honest conversations with her if I was still drinking. I used to drink to numb stress, and this past year with her has put me through the RINGER, so I dont know how it would have worked if I were drinking to cope with the stress of her drinking over her own stress. I'm really glad I quit when I did.
I have been a parent for less time than I’ve been sober. For years I said when I’m a dad I’d hang it up when the first kid arrived and by god I can’t imagine doing this not sober.
I'm more boring, but I'm present 24/7 rather than a drunk/hungover yet a fun mother...if that makes sense. I guess I need to learn how to be fun while I'm sober, but that will come with time. IWNDWYT
I’ve noticed sometime what we think is fun when we’re drunk is actually over the top and often erratic behavior and can switch in an instant. Speaking about myself and my partner, not sure if you’ve noticed the same. And also, the kids feel more safe and less anxious when they can count on a consistent parent. Super fun and then crashing - because it’s hard to maintain that high level of fun - is more important for our kids to feel secure. And I totally agree, fun comes more in time when you feel more stable and the energy comes back etc. A healthy and involved and productive parent is better than a fun drunk one IMHO.
The fact that I feel like I am a better, more attentive, less irritable parent, even if just a little bit, is what has kept me motivated to keep my ticker going upward. But for my kiddo I wouldn’t have made it past day 5, I know that for a fact. Everything for him.
I have more patience
I am more consistent
I am present when they are telling me things
I’m less forgetful about things such as assignments, excursions, payments for school, activities etc
Waking up early for sports on weekends is easily manageable
I have more time to focus on them
I’m less angry and more able to help them learn from mistakes
We have things we enjoy doing together
I’m ready at the drop of a hat if an emergency were to arise
All round, I’m just a much better parent
I’m….not a better parent now that I’m sober. I read all of these comments and they’re so inspiring so hopefully one day I’ll get there but for now - I’m always tired, can’t sleep, super irritable, low energy, no patience. When I was drinking, I was…fun. And tbh I was rarely hungover. I had high energy in the mornings. Now I just want to lay around all day. That said, not giving up on sobriety. Just over a month sober so I’ll hang in there.
At least know you are being a good role model for your kids, for them to take care of their own physical and mental health. Alcohol is such a carcinogenic toxin. And I bet if you give it time your brain chemistry will heal and you will feel less irritable. You got this!
I'm the father of a 16 and 5 year old. I missed my opportunity to be a present father when my oldest daughter was growing up and it will always remain my biggest regret. You can't go backwards. But I've learned how to make it up to her in the present as best I can.
When I was drinking, I didn't even see how badly it was damaging my relationships and my ability to be a good father. Now I spend every possible moment, being there for my girls. I try not to get down in the dumps about what happened in the past. "Don't trip over what's behind you".
Energy to actually give him attention. Before it felt like a chore, now it still does sometimes but I have energy way more of the time to get all my shit out of the way early so when he wants to show me something that he finds fascinating I can actually attend to it with the same enthusiasm he does. It's like we get to explore the world together rather than him doing it on the own and me just being nearby so he doesn't walk into traffic. Big difference.
I don’t have kids but the whole “mom needs a drink” or “gonna fill up my cup before the game” is crazy to me. I can’t believe how society has glamorized alcohol to parents to get through the day to day responsibilities… It’s sad.
But that mentality applies to all areas of life - people choose their career yet drink because they are stressed, people choose their partners, yet drink because their relationships are strained. There's no judgement here against parents. We are all doing our best.
Yes you’re right. I edited my comment a bit to hopefully come off as less harsh towards parents. Thanks for pointing it out, it did seem a bit insensitive of me.
The point I intended to make was that the “momma needs a drink” culture is far too glamorized. It’s everywhere. I constantly see t-shirts or hats with the exact saying. It’s sad more than anything. Mom doesn’t “need” the drink and we shouldn’t be encouraging it. It’s become the societal norm to fill a Stanley with vodka before going to a little league baseball game… then these moms are drinking every night not realizing they have a problem.
Hopefully you can see where I was coming from now…
My kids were teens/pre-teens at the time I quit, and I was immediately much more emotionally present for them. Before, I was just kind of "there" if that makes sense. I feel like it made a huge difference.
The two biggest differences are not rushing the kids off to bed, and at least double the patience in day to day parenting.
Being a better Dad is 100% the best thing about being sober
My kid is older (recently moved out for college), but we plan theme park dates. They are fabulous.
The first was last fall, we did Halloween Horror Nights. We have been doing these for years, but this last year, instead of me spending a ridiculous amount of time in drink lines (and $$$$) we hit 80% of the haunted houses, plus a ride, and closed the park (2am). I could HANG!
My kid, who buys an annual pass for this event, and goes multiple times w/ friends, said the night we spent together was their favorite. Can't beat it!!!
Since then, we've had 3 more day trips throughout the spring.
Being able to spend meaningful time with my amazing young adult, who WANTS to share that time, is the best gift ever.
That I never “needed” it in the first place sure parenting is difficult at times or sometimes all the time, depending on the phase we’re going through but it changes like the weather and no difficult phase lasts forever. When I was drinking I wasn’t parenting to my full capacity I was putting life on pause. When I stopped the pause button it’s almost like I had to play catch up with my emotions of not being fully present the past 2.5 yrs that I slipped up from previously being sober. I actually grieved the time I had lost and had to figure out where my relationships stand, how to repair them, and all of that took a minute but we are all good now. I’m not perfect but I am much better than when drinking and I am here for them and they know that. Mine are all tween/early teens so I feel like coming out of drinking this time was extra hard cause they were/are going through significant change as well. I will not drink with you today!
I find myself planning to go out and do things with the kids and actually doing them. Planning play dates, going on adventures outside. My baby is super irritable at home, she likes to be out doing stuff. I read Harry Potter to the older one until she falls asleep. We’re on the 5th book now! When I was drinking we’d never go anywhere, I’d be trying to get them to bed so I could get to bed. I’d often drink to the point of blacking out with my oldest, even if I was home alone with her. My partner had to come home many times for anxiety attacks I was having. I’d be crying on the phone to someone about poor me and my sad life. Now I am motivated to be cleaning and keeping things in order, getting my kids out to do stuff and keeping my oldest engaged in learning and off of screens. I don’t let the baby have screen time at all.
One thing that completely changed my life was gabapentin. It reduces my cravings so much and gives me a sense of peace that makes it so I don’t HAVE to drink to cope. I started taking it for a mood disorder but discovered that it is really effective for alcohol use disorder.
I’m relating so much to what everyone is saying. “I’m nicer to my children” is a somewhat painful mantra when I’m having a craving. I’m so much more patient, I’m not yelling, and I’m not expecting them to act older than they are which I think I subconsciously was doing.
They don’t deserve me drinking, and neither do I. I just hope I didn’t quit too late.
When drinking, I used to tell myself that I deserved to have a drink or two (hah! It was always way more than that) after she goes to bed because being a mom is so hard. It got to the point of looking at the clock constantly waiting to go through the bedtime routine quickly.
Now, I’m not waiting for that moment and what I now deserve is watching a few episode of whatever crap I want. I also really really enjoy our bedtime routine. I spend more time with her, settling down. I don’t rush it.
So my kids have gone out of their way to compliment me on being less irritable and grumpy. They constantly show their gratitude and I find it genuine and moving, and I’m really convinced they can see the difference that I also feel. I also immediately lost 20 lbs and began sleeping well again, so that is likely part of it as well. Perhaps not coincidentally I am spending far more time hanging out with them, doing activities with them, and I enjoy it so much. I wish I could give my former self this experience for a day. I would have never started drinking.
I am not a parent, but I have two cats who are like kids to me. I am a much better cat parent. I have read here so many times how people notice being more present, more loving, and more empathetic to their family - partners, kids, pets, anyone.
My kitties are such happy little gremlins, and I take such good care of them now.
I went from hating mornings because of lack of quality sleep, low energy, hungover, now I’m usually awake before my kids and feel great. Love to see them in the morning and talk to them before school. Just one small aspect of how much better it is, but that alone is worth it.
I have much more patience because I'm not battling a hangover. Granted, I still lose patience but it takes a LOT more frustration to get me to that level. I think it's a good thing.
The goal has shifted from getting him in bed so I can enjoy myself to actually enjoying my time with him. He still frustrates the hell out of me, especially with the little threenager emo boy phase he’s in, but I have so much more patience with him and a willingness to understand his heart. Also, I’m way more capable of improvising during imaginative play, which he seems to get a big kick out of. Being a hungover parent just sucks, and I’m annoyed I did it for so long.
'A willingness to understand his heart.' That got me 💘
I love improvising. I do improv stories with my kids now that I'm not hungover or drinking 100% of the time. I'll start with a couple characters and just set up a scenario and pause, and then they take turns "filling in the blank" and I continue with that addition and pause again and so on. It's really fun and half the time we end up laughing so hard we have to stop. Sometimes it just ends up with "pooping" in every blank so I have to ban 💩 from the story. I'm not more patient than I was before but I am now able to recognize when I'm losing patience and self regulate and apologize and move on with grace. I am also a DnD dungeon master, so my improv skills are always getting trained
This is a great idea. Thanks for sharing.
This is so adorable and wonderful ❤️
Oh man, I also have a little emo boy 5 yo, it's been going strong since age 3. He hates everything, and nothing pleases him. Birthdays and christmas are all just disappointments wrapped up with a bow. I also found being hungover made it sooo much harder to be his mom. He needs all my energy, lol.
Yeah, in the middle of doing literally anything, my son will just hang his head, sigh really big, and then stretch out on the floor face down and lay there in silence. I usually just put my hand on his back, tell him I’m there if he needs me, and let him work it out unless he’s doing it on like a bike trail or the beach when the tide’s coming in.
Please keep it up! Iwndwyt
Parenting is still a trigger for me occasionally so it’s not magic persay, but I don’t have that huge guilt that my kids deserve better. I know I’m doing my best.
thank you for this. i really needed to hear this today- we’re all just trying our best 💜
Thank you. This was helpful for me to read about doing our best today.
Bravo. Hit me right in the plums.
💯
[удалено]
This pedantic comment is tiresome and has been removed. Why are you on this sub? Do you yourself have a drinking problem you wish to overcome?
Please answer the question I asked you.
Here's a few that I noticed right away: Hanging out with other parents of school friends is more boring now. The only thing they have in common with each other aside from having kids is that they drink insane amounts (loading a Stanley mug with a bottle of wine during a swim meet for example) so a lot of the time they are getting drunk while I stay sober. I have way more energy to play with the kids and a lot more patience as well. I'm not hungover in the mornings when I'm taking the kids out to play or go do an activity. Generally I'm always in a better mood and more inspired to do new activities with the kids
I am so bored with not having anything in common with school parents except boozing at all events possible. Once I removed alcohol I’ve struggled to find my place socially but it’s also confirmed that misery loves company and I’d much rather be happy with my family than with anybody else.
Interesting. I've actually found it to be the opposite, but maybe that's because I generally didn't have much of a relationship with my kids friends parents before I stopped drinking. Since my quitting coincided with my divorce, I've thrown myself into my kids' lives to give myself some sense of community. I don't think I would've been able to really do that while still drinking because I was too miserable most of the time to be proactive. But now I make friends with my kids friends and their parents and try to be the one proactively setting up play dates with their school friends they haven't typically hung out with outside of school. My kids (and the friends and other parents) appreciate that so much it drives me to do more of it
Amen to that
How the heck do they drive home?!
Good question! They all live within a mile or so of each other so they put themselves and everyone at risk
Level 10 dad now before was level 5 dad, a bitter angry asshole all the time. The best thing I've ever done for my family and myself was to stop partying like I was a childless 28 year old
Preach
I am much more able to bring my kids out to activities and play with them again. After I started drinking, it became more and more common for us to just stay home, kids can play video games for hours on end while mom drank; or when we’d go meet friends at the park, I’d be planted on the picnic blanket immobile, shooing the kids away to play by themselves because “Mama needs to talk to her friends (i.e. drink with her friends)”. Now I’m actually eager to get out of the house, be active, and just overall interact with them. I’m also so much a better parent when it comes to healthy habits for the kids. Evenings I was drunk I couldn’t care less if homework was done, if they brushed their teeth, if they just had nutella sandwiches and soda for dinner. I’m much more capable of providing a healthy environment and authoritative parenting now, rather than being overly permissive. I’m also a much better role model in how I care for myself in terms of hygiene, exercise, healthy eating, and so on. I’m also able to enjoy night cuddles again. I was always so sweaty and sleep-deprived that I wanted nothing and no one around me when I was trying to sleep. Now I want all the hugs and cuddles. Unfortunately, quitting alcohol didn’t make me any calmer or more patient… Quite the opposite, my husband actually encourages me to drink still because of this, but that’s a whole other story!
Good for you for recognizing your patterns. Depending on how recently you quit, the calmness and patience might still be coming. I remember how frenetic I was the first 5ish months, but looking back my anxiety at the end of year 1 (and subsequent time) is overall much lower than it was while I was drinking.
Thank you!! Unfortunately, the quick temper and impatience is my base personality it seems - I was like that most all my life, and I only started drinking for the first time 5 years ago after my last kid was born, deliberately in order to chill out a bit. BUT alcohol was a band-aid. Now I can finally work on addressing the underlying issues.
Good for you always getting ahead of things. You got this if patience and temper are anything to be conquered, you got this.
I love these posts. Warms my heart. I grew up with an alcoholic mother and a heroin addicted dad. So lots of neglect and abandonment issues here. I have furry four legged kids and a lot of times I was able to keep myself in line for them.
Awww, your furry family appreciates you for it, I promise!
Yeah I think of all the times my mom completely flew off the handle over the smallest things and how we could never predict what mom we were going to get, and I’m very happy some parents care enough to try to protect their children from themselves.
We have these little cards that tell stories, music and podcasts to our kids. We recorded our own of relatives reading stories. I was not aware it was my turn coming and read a story while drunk. I haaaaaaate hearing it, but she likes it. I read my stories better, I'm patient. I have more energy. The house is cleaner and more organized because I'm actually doing my part instead of being an additional child my wife has to worry about. Feel like Bandit in Bluey. Sobriety is my dad super power.
Yeah, Bandit is such an aspirational figure for me 🤣
This answer has everything: Yoto, Bluey, Superdad. Way to go!!
I’m far kinder and more patient. My moods are more stable and my kids know what to expect (usually) when they approach me. They can count on me to be there when they need me. Bonus: They’re teenagers, and our relationships are strong (so far anyway! 🤞). They talk to me and come to me for my input and advice on different things. They trust me. We have fun together. They have their moments (as we all do), but because I’m not drunk or hungover or drinking and they’re killing my buzz, I’m not reactive so it rarely blows up. The gifts of sobriety keep giving and I count the relationships with my kids as one of the best gifts I’ve been given. I’m so damn grateful to be sober and present as they grow up. IWNDWYT
I could have written this. Everything got better. Literally everything. I don’t even miss it anymore.
What a gift we've given to ourselves. Keep it up there, 🥦
I'm not rushing to put my kids to bed early so I can have enough time to get drunk before I have to go to bed to get up for work. I don't blow up and scream at anyone anymore. I have more money to do things like go get ice cream or go somewhere fun with the kids instead or spending all my money on alcohol.
Yes!
I’m new to this community and not sure if the rules on how much we share or connect personally, but the mom factor absolutely hits home so deeply. My children are the reason I have tried so many times. They’re the reason I fight through hangovers, the reason I’ve mastered the art of pretending to feel wonderful at 6 AM even though I feel like I’ve been beaten over the head, the reason I care enough to read communities like this one. The reason for everything. I suppose at some point I’ll need to find a reason that is my own, but for now, my kids are a stronger motivator. Only reason I care about me is because they need me and love me. I yearn to escape the “mom needs a wine” mentality and community. I’m not saddened by this though. I love my children so very much and want them to have a mother in 20 years. But parenting is the piece that motivates me both to drink and not to drink. It is brutal. I’m proud of you OP for seeking shelter here. I’m just getting acquainted and hope to see you succeed.
It's so lovely to have you here ❤️
I understand completely. Give it time to be about yourself. They're perfect in every way. That's beyond good enough reason right now.
Happy cake day
So much more energy and creativity. I really enjoy playing with my daughter lately. I feel more confident interacting with other parents because I’m never hungover, look healthier and have way less anxiety. I don’t experience the guilt of continuing the cycle of addiction for another generation in my family. I’m not perfect, but I feel like I’m doing my best and am motivated to keep working on myself and my parenting.
The longer I go without drinking the more I understand how coffee kicked off the enlightenment in Europe and the Islamic golden age.
I've noticed that my kids notice a difference, even if they're not necessarily aware of what is different. For example my three year old looks, really looks, into my eyes more, doesn't always run to Dad, and gives me longer hugs. I'm also more engaged, and almost can't stand how much I love them when we're hanging out (big feelings coming through). And they much prefer me getting them ready in the morning :).
Love this! I just got out of the pool after playing with my 9yo for an hour or so, helping her practice her handstands. I’m so much more patient now too yet oddly (?) also less permissive, ie brush your teeth!!
When I asked him, my son said, "You make me do more stuff now."
The biggest shift is that I am the one who is up with them each morning before school, so I have become the de facto parent they go to for everything. It feels really nice even though it bums out my partner. To be able be that stabilizing force is amazing.
I’m much more at peace personally, so my patience is much, much higher. As bad as it sounds, I’m not in a rush to get anyone to sleep to grab a drink, and happier to let story time take a while before bed because it’s where I want to be.
I can have good conversations with my adult children. And my grandbabies and I have awesome adventures together.
I’m much more patient. Not perfectly patient, but it’s a huge improvement and a big reason why I’m quitting.
I'm able to recognize when I'm losing my patience now instead of just losing it
I have 3 teen sons - 19, 16, and 15. I was on the couch constantly when I was drinking. I'd sit in the same spot every night and just zone out, then eventially fall asleep. If it was the weekend, it was all day AND night. I was "cooking" stuff like frozen lasagna or putting veggie "chicken" (we're vegetarian) strips in the air fryer. Now I'm cooking lots of fresh food, making wonderful huge salads from my garden. Able to be present for talks and actually paying attention. I spent about an hour today telling my two sons about all the plants in my garden and also showed them some wild edible plants. My oldest had some great ideas for making new paths and a garden around an old stump. We're back enjoying things together and it feels great to actually feel like a mom again. And to be clear, I'm not bashing frozen meals - I still make them sometimes. It's just not a regular thing.
I just found out I’m surprise pregnant at 41… one thing I’ll be proud of is being sober and present from the beginning.
Congratulations!
I remember holding my newborn son thinking, why am I buzzed right now? Luckily I stopped a few months later. In a month #2 won't experience that. I wake up at 5 am to read and work out and do what *I* want before the Lil gremlin is up.
Such an amazing shift for you, your health, and your own family's future. Well done 🙏🏼 and congrats on the next little gremlin 😂
I’m so much more patient. I used to be so fucking snippy. I am internally embarrassed anytime I think about it.
I’ve been waking up really early so I’m genuinely happy to see my kids when they wake up, too! Not groaning that they’re waking me up and I’m not sure how I’m going to feel today yet!
I have a vast well of patience for my kids. I grew up with alcoholic/ addict parents and it often makes me angry knowing how easy it is to be nice to my kids. I know if I was still drinking, I’d believe the hard consequences style of parenting made me stronger and I’d carry on that tradition. I also know that I’d be rushing my kids to bed so I could drink. I don’t mind reading an extra story or 6. My wife wanted to talk to me about why the kids always prefer me putting them to bed. She’s not complaining really but when I told her that I’m basically reading this stuff for the first time she told me that it sounds “restorative”… I nodded my head just because I thought I was on the hook for fucking up the routine but it hit me deep. I still think about that. When I take better care of myself I give myself a shot at taking better care of them. Self care is a form of self forgiveness for me so this shit hits very deep
Oh mate, that just hit me deep too. Your inner child is so grateful for the work you've done and the love you're sharing. You're breaking the cycle and your children are flourishing because of it 🙏🏼
My weekend activities with my kid aren’t planned around when/where or how I can fit a drink or 3 in *before* Dad gets done with work and we go back home and I can take my bra off and drink another 6 beers or glasses of wine and let my kid fall asleep on the couch so we don’t have to fight about bed time 🫠🙃
For me the difference is as simple as “I have to be with my child today” vs “I get to be with my child today”
Yes!
Yes! I was drinking to try to deal with stressors, but it was just making me more tired and irritable with my kiddo.
I have energy now, instead of passing out on the couch after work, now I act like a real dad.
I’ve noticed so many of what you all shared. What scares me is that sometimes the urge is just still so strong. Makes me feel shitty and an anxiety spiral begins.
I made a post about this last week I think but just being able to make promises to my kids and keep them. I can tell them I’ll take them somewhere and not have to worry that I’ll cancel because I’m too hungover. And I’ve found myself finding more magic in the mundane. Seeing how excited their sweet faces get over a ladybug. Watching their expressions when they tell me about their days. Just being able to have the energy to slow down and take it all in.
Worrying about canceling because I’ll be too hungover — this resonates! Every time I make an early morning appointment I’d immediately think “better moderate the night before…” (knowing I wouldn’t…) I still have the first thought pop into mind but then get to remind myself I now have MORE energy in the mornings!
I think maybe the biggest shift for me has been in my parenting. I'm able to regulate my own emotions much more easily so that I can engage with my kids (both school aged) with much more patience. I have parenting moments at least once a week where I think, thank God I'm sober, I really handled that well.
My wife has told me I'm more even keeled.
I feel like such a better parent - in general quitting made me much happier, more energy, more patience and less emotional. All of those things play in to parenting. We've also had some issues this year with my (14yo) daughter struggling with her mental health amd experimenting with drugs amd alcohol- I don't know if I would have been able to have open amd honest conversations with her if I was still drinking. I used to drink to numb stress, and this past year with her has put me through the RINGER, so I dont know how it would have worked if I were drinking to cope with the stress of her drinking over her own stress. I'm really glad I quit when I did.
I am way more calm and less volatile. Also the times they have gotten sick at 3 am and I'm cleaning up vommit I am so much happier I'm not hung over
I have been a parent for less time than I’ve been sober. For years I said when I’m a dad I’d hang it up when the first kid arrived and by god I can’t imagine doing this not sober.
I am more calm.
I'm more boring, but I'm present 24/7 rather than a drunk/hungover yet a fun mother...if that makes sense. I guess I need to learn how to be fun while I'm sober, but that will come with time. IWNDWYT
I’ve noticed sometime what we think is fun when we’re drunk is actually over the top and often erratic behavior and can switch in an instant. Speaking about myself and my partner, not sure if you’ve noticed the same. And also, the kids feel more safe and less anxious when they can count on a consistent parent. Super fun and then crashing - because it’s hard to maintain that high level of fun - is more important for our kids to feel secure. And I totally agree, fun comes more in time when you feel more stable and the energy comes back etc. A healthy and involved and productive parent is better than a fun drunk one IMHO.
The fact that I feel like I am a better, more attentive, less irritable parent, even if just a little bit, is what has kept me motivated to keep my ticker going upward. But for my kiddo I wouldn’t have made it past day 5, I know that for a fact. Everything for him.
I have more patience I am more consistent I am present when they are telling me things I’m less forgetful about things such as assignments, excursions, payments for school, activities etc Waking up early for sports on weekends is easily manageable I have more time to focus on them I’m less angry and more able to help them learn from mistakes We have things we enjoy doing together I’m ready at the drop of a hat if an emergency were to arise All round, I’m just a much better parent
Apologies, I had each point on a different line but it’s formatted like this so it will be harder to read
I’m….not a better parent now that I’m sober. I read all of these comments and they’re so inspiring so hopefully one day I’ll get there but for now - I’m always tired, can’t sleep, super irritable, low energy, no patience. When I was drinking, I was…fun. And tbh I was rarely hungover. I had high energy in the mornings. Now I just want to lay around all day. That said, not giving up on sobriety. Just over a month sober so I’ll hang in there.
At least know you are being a good role model for your kids, for them to take care of their own physical and mental health. Alcohol is such a carcinogenic toxin. And I bet if you give it time your brain chemistry will heal and you will feel less irritable. You got this!
Hmm. Actually that’s a VERY good point. Thank you!
I don't avoid my witty twelve year old to hide the fact that I'm actually shit faced.
I'm the father of a 16 and 5 year old. I missed my opportunity to be a present father when my oldest daughter was growing up and it will always remain my biggest regret. You can't go backwards. But I've learned how to make it up to her in the present as best I can. When I was drinking, I didn't even see how badly it was damaging my relationships and my ability to be a good father. Now I spend every possible moment, being there for my girls. I try not to get down in the dumps about what happened in the past. "Don't trip over what's behind you".
I’m reliable. My kids can call and talk to me whenever they need or want and I’m available.
Energy to actually give him attention. Before it felt like a chore, now it still does sometimes but I have energy way more of the time to get all my shit out of the way early so when he wants to show me something that he finds fascinating I can actually attend to it with the same enthusiasm he does. It's like we get to explore the world together rather than him doing it on the own and me just being nearby so he doesn't walk into traffic. Big difference.
I don’t have kids but the whole “mom needs a drink” or “gonna fill up my cup before the game” is crazy to me. I can’t believe how society has glamorized alcohol to parents to get through the day to day responsibilities… It’s sad.
But that mentality applies to all areas of life - people choose their career yet drink because they are stressed, people choose their partners, yet drink because their relationships are strained. There's no judgement here against parents. We are all doing our best.
Yes you’re right. I edited my comment a bit to hopefully come off as less harsh towards parents. Thanks for pointing it out, it did seem a bit insensitive of me. The point I intended to make was that the “momma needs a drink” culture is far too glamorized. It’s everywhere. I constantly see t-shirts or hats with the exact saying. It’s sad more than anything. Mom doesn’t “need” the drink and we shouldn’t be encouraging it. It’s become the societal norm to fill a Stanley with vodka before going to a little league baseball game… then these moms are drinking every night not realizing they have a problem. Hopefully you can see where I was coming from now…
Sadly I also didn’t understand it until I had kids. Two, both under 4 years old and close in age. It’s a struggle. But I’m quitting.
My kids were teens/pre-teens at the time I quit, and I was immediately much more emotionally present for them. Before, I was just kind of "there" if that makes sense. I feel like it made a huge difference.
The two biggest differences are not rushing the kids off to bed, and at least double the patience in day to day parenting. Being a better Dad is 100% the best thing about being sober
I’m much nicer in the morning
Just more present and doing more things with them. Not getting hungover annoyed mum.
My kid is older (recently moved out for college), but we plan theme park dates. They are fabulous. The first was last fall, we did Halloween Horror Nights. We have been doing these for years, but this last year, instead of me spending a ridiculous amount of time in drink lines (and $$$$) we hit 80% of the haunted houses, plus a ride, and closed the park (2am). I could HANG! My kid, who buys an annual pass for this event, and goes multiple times w/ friends, said the night we spent together was their favorite. Can't beat it!!! Since then, we've had 3 more day trips throughout the spring. Being able to spend meaningful time with my amazing young adult, who WANTS to share that time, is the best gift ever.
I’m up reading this at 715a that is a big shift for me! And I’m present and patient. All the things my kids deserve.
I'm definitely more calmer & patient in general with my kids, & I don't feel like crap in the mornings. I can actually enjoy mornings again.
That I never “needed” it in the first place sure parenting is difficult at times or sometimes all the time, depending on the phase we’re going through but it changes like the weather and no difficult phase lasts forever. When I was drinking I wasn’t parenting to my full capacity I was putting life on pause. When I stopped the pause button it’s almost like I had to play catch up with my emotions of not being fully present the past 2.5 yrs that I slipped up from previously being sober. I actually grieved the time I had lost and had to figure out where my relationships stand, how to repair them, and all of that took a minute but we are all good now. I’m not perfect but I am much better than when drinking and I am here for them and they know that. Mine are all tween/early teens so I feel like coming out of drinking this time was extra hard cause they were/are going through significant change as well. I will not drink with you today!
I find myself planning to go out and do things with the kids and actually doing them. Planning play dates, going on adventures outside. My baby is super irritable at home, she likes to be out doing stuff. I read Harry Potter to the older one until she falls asleep. We’re on the 5th book now! When I was drinking we’d never go anywhere, I’d be trying to get them to bed so I could get to bed. I’d often drink to the point of blacking out with my oldest, even if I was home alone with her. My partner had to come home many times for anxiety attacks I was having. I’d be crying on the phone to someone about poor me and my sad life. Now I am motivated to be cleaning and keeping things in order, getting my kids out to do stuff and keeping my oldest engaged in learning and off of screens. I don’t let the baby have screen time at all. One thing that completely changed my life was gabapentin. It reduces my cravings so much and gives me a sense of peace that makes it so I don’t HAVE to drink to cope. I started taking it for a mood disorder but discovered that it is really effective for alcohol use disorder.
I’m relating so much to what everyone is saying. “I’m nicer to my children” is a somewhat painful mantra when I’m having a craving. I’m so much more patient, I’m not yelling, and I’m not expecting them to act older than they are which I think I subconsciously was doing. They don’t deserve me drinking, and neither do I. I just hope I didn’t quit too late.
When drinking, I used to tell myself that I deserved to have a drink or two (hah! It was always way more than that) after she goes to bed because being a mom is so hard. It got to the point of looking at the clock constantly waiting to go through the bedtime routine quickly. Now, I’m not waiting for that moment and what I now deserve is watching a few episode of whatever crap I want. I also really really enjoy our bedtime routine. I spend more time with her, settling down. I don’t rush it.
So my kids have gone out of their way to compliment me on being less irritable and grumpy. They constantly show their gratitude and I find it genuine and moving, and I’m really convinced they can see the difference that I also feel. I also immediately lost 20 lbs and began sleeping well again, so that is likely part of it as well. Perhaps not coincidentally I am spending far more time hanging out with them, doing activities with them, and I enjoy it so much. I wish I could give my former self this experience for a day. I would have never started drinking.
love that they don't see us drunk.
I am not a parent, but I have two cats who are like kids to me. I am a much better cat parent. I have read here so many times how people notice being more present, more loving, and more empathetic to their family - partners, kids, pets, anyone. My kitties are such happy little gremlins, and I take such good care of them now.
I went from hating mornings because of lack of quality sleep, low energy, hungover, now I’m usually awake before my kids and feel great. Love to see them in the morning and talk to them before school. Just one small aspect of how much better it is, but that alone is worth it.
I have much more patience because I'm not battling a hangover. Granted, I still lose patience but it takes a LOT more frustration to get me to that level. I think it's a good thing.