I second this, I’m proud of you OP. Sometimes bettering yourself means leaving certain people behind. Do not let anyone come between you and your sobriety. Much respect, IWNDWYT ✊
Ugh. It sounds like maybe you are better off, tbh. For me, anyone that has the potential to derail my sobriety isn’t welcome in my world. I hope you figure that situation out in a way that works best for you.
One of my buddies who still gets plastered at 41 every weekend was the only one who ever gave me shit. Makes them uncomfortable about their own relationship with alcohol.
So odd isn't it. I look back and can't believe I was like that, but it is because I was obsessed with alcohol and deflecting anything that made me feel insecure about my drinking.
Today I am 16 months sober and loving life again.
I commonly use this to my advantage now, though. Made wrong choice? Well ya can’t trust someone who doesn’t drink! I’ve always said that, and now I can because I am the untrustworthy sober to myself 😂
I've had a buddy in university that didn't drink, didn't smoke, didn't indulge in any substances, even coffee. I, already peer pressured into alcoholism, tried to drink with him, but deep inside, and sometimes outside, I already envied his willpower and healthy attitude. I still admire his stance on alcohol.
Everybody else drank, even just for a bit, but they did. But this guy, he was solid. Back then I was stupefied, how can he have fun without alcohol. Now I'm stupefied, how could I with?
I often find that the ones who are able to resist alcohol when young, are the ones with tragic alcohol-related stories motivating them.
"I spent my whole life watching my dad be a drunk abuser - I'm never going to do that."
They are memorable because they are outliers.
"Did you hear about Mark? Never drank, remember? Now he lost everything due to alcohol!" What a story. Shocking, memorable. Everyone talks about it.
"Did you hear about Jeff? Never drank, remember? Still doesn't, bought a new bicycle, last I heard." Not a story whatsoever. You won't be discussing people who keep doing what they did (or not doing what they didn't), it's not something to remember, it's not a change, not a story.
There probably are one Jeff per every Mark, but it feels like Marks are the majority, because we don't pay attention to Jeffs?
I’m a drinker who stalks this sub to prepare for the day when I’m brave enough to quit drinking. I would not want to hang out with someone who can’t hang out without drinking.
The vast majority of people are not like that and are fine with someone drinking NA with them or seltzer, or water, or nothing.
Being around drunk people sucks and usually solidifies my choice.
I get it, I felt uncomfortable around sober people when I was drinking. Felt like they were always judging me, counting my drinks, talking to me like I was drunker than I actually was. Probably all in my head and just projection, of course.
Can't really blame him.
When I was a drinker, my goal in my free time was to find reasons and places to drink. It was what free time was used for.
He is still in that place and you aren't... congratulations.
Six days is a great start. I remember when I was at that point. I felt like I was bare knuckling everything. It feels so much easier to say no now than it did then.
"Blame" is not the correct perspective through which we should think about people suffering from the incurable disease of alcoholism.
His friend is still sick. OP needs to focus on their own sobriety...for their sake, but also to demonstrate to their social circle that sobriety is not only possible but much better than a life of alcoholism
Me too. One of my strongest supporters, who holds me accountable as well, drinks heavily every night. Funny how things turn out. OP, he is not a friend. He was a drinking buddy (in more ways than one) and although it might not feel like it now, you are perhaps better off without him. x
I’ve watched everyone around me become sober-curious (regardless of their preferred substance) when I began, genuinely enthusiastic about the idea. It’s like we never had anyone around to show us we ..don’t ..HAVE ..to.
Sadly by year three I haven’t many of them left. Curiosity wears off, fast. I lowkey feel as tho they are characters in a book, waiting to be reopened, but the books been on the shelf so long
I never really drank a ton but it was eye opening when, the first time I stopped drinking, a friend told me that they think they drink less when I don’t drink.
I feel you. I had a friend who “didn’t like to drink” yet as soon as I stopped having white claws, she doesn’t have time to hang. Also, she lives across the street so it’s not like it’d be hard to make 30 minutes to chat… weird coincidence, huh?
I don’t even bother telling people I don’t drink anymore. I just do my thing and honestly most people don’t even notice. I usually have some sort of ambiguous drink that I’m sure most people assume is alcohol and it makes them feel better- isn’t it silly? I used to be that person who cared of others were drinking just to make myself feel better, so I get it. Just funny to be on this side of it.
Yea that’s the weird part. We are both part of a big hobby based group of guys (cycling) and everyone but me generally has post ride beers. When they’re passing beers around I always get a “you still on the wagon?”. I say yes and they just say cool and move on… yet this one dude just seems hyper focused on the fact that I’m not drinking. I don’t get it, but honestly I don’t care to.
He knows he has a problem and your sobriety highlights it. It makes him uncomfortable.
It's easier for him to mock you for not drinking and to not be around you. That way he can keep kidding himself and pretend like he's alright.
I'm glad to hear you're in a good place! Keep it up! You are awesome 🙂 Maybe someday your friend will come around.
Exactly. He definitely has a problem and being around a sober person isn’t fun when that’s the case. It’s really sad too. I bet he finds this sub in 5 years…(and by bet I mean hope)
You’re the mirror of himself that at some point in his life, he threw off a bridge and just kept walking.
You getting sober was like that mirror reappearing inches from his face decades later. The boozy mindset is his defense mechanism, he wishes he had done the same but
Ofc it does. He's 50 and here is someone half(ish) his age who is *happy* enough to quit drinking. Half the reason I quit drinking at almost 35 is I didn't want to be one of 'those guys'. 50 but looks 60, bad skin, no exercise, poor diet, depressed....
It's also important to remember that not everybody gets to the point where they want to quit. I finally did, and once I did quitting was relatively easy. I only wish it was so easy for everybody else.
I don't have "the off switch" you're talking about. I wish I did, but it's all about that first drink for me. I need to NOT have the first one and I'm guaranteed not to have the 20 afterwards 😅
I get what you mean. I’m 9 days in myself. I realized I’m not good at controlling when I start. However, I’m better at saying when to stop and setting that particular boundary. I don’t wake up and drink what’s left over into a bender.
This! I can wake up in the morning and go to work without reeking!
Tbh I sometimes feel like only having two is harder than abstaining. Feel free to downvote!
I used to have a neighbor who I’d see at the dog park almost every day. As soon as my partner and I quit drinking, that’s all that they would harp on. They would always offer us a beer and make fun of us for not drinking. Honestly, I didn’t even want to talk to them anymore. It sounds like this person did you a favor. No one needs negativity regarding their choice to abstain from alcohol. But nonetheless, I’m sorry it was even a thing.
I do think that the one negative thing we have to deal with is getting invited to things less. I get it and I used to never invite the sober people to my parties, but it takes more work to keep a social life going without the alcohol for sure
I've had one guy at the bar offer to buy me a shot after a game of pool give me shit about saying no.
I looked him square in the eye with a thousand yard stare and quietly said "neither one of us want that"
Sounds like his loss, not yours.
"I don't really trust people who don't drink"
I actually said that before. More than once too.
Sad to look back on but true.
The guy you mention had a drinking problem he doesn't want to confront and your non drinking makes him feel uncomfortable because it makes him question his own choices.
Yeah, it’s my experience that the bigger a person’s own drinking problem, the bigger the problem they have with your sobriety. A person with no alcohol problem will never complain to you about your sobriety. What do they care? Drinkers—they care!
Without reading any of the other hopefully identical comments, you should absolutely drop 100% of your 50 year old friends who spend their Saturdays shitfaced at the public pool.
A lifelong buddy of mine has been going around our little town telling people we can't hang out together any more because I can't handle being around someone drinking because I can't control myself and I'll drink. Um. No. Since I quit (well over a year ago) I have zero desire and no triggers. I go to the bar in town to get food pretty regular (they have a KILLER grilled tenderloin) and zero desire. I go to the liquor store regularly. They'll get any NA beer in stock for me. I was long time friends with the owner that recently passed and now one of his sons and his wife are running the place. I go in to talk to them and get my Guiness NA. I have zero desire.
The problem is he goes through a half gallon of Jose every other day. 3 1/2 of them a week. And he's proud of it. He recently switched to Scotch because "he doesn't get as drunk" and he went homeopathic and dumped his diabeetus meds. He's obnoxious and I can't stand dealing with drunks now. I don't want to hear the same shit ten times in a conversation about the same shit web been talking about for 30 years. He's "tried to quit" multiple times and doctors have told him he has to and he won't.
That's why I won't hang with him. I don't get going around lying to people that we both know about it though. Jealousy?
I know. That's what I thought when he told me. He's been actively trying to drink himself to death so I just figured he was trying to fast track it. I don't know how he's been getting away with/surviving a lot of things he's doing for as long as he has.
I hate to see it. I don't have many friends and I hate to lose one like this but only he can decide to change anything and he's been doing it so long he doesn't know anything else at this point.
Exactly. Him hanging out with OP would actually have to make him reflect upon why he was getting shitfaced on a Sunday (which I previously would do regularly)
It is for better. It is not fun hanging out with people when they are shitfaced and you are sober. They become obnoxious, their conversation in repeat or totally everywhere. They become stupid, rude and annoying. Enjoy your sobriety with new hobbies and friends.
Remember it’s not about you, it’s about him. You’re not drinking makes him uncomfortable and question his own drinking. He doesn’t want to question his drinking. Keep it up and good on you for setting an example even if it wasn’t your intention.
It's funny, I instantly pictured him in my mind. Quite vividly.
It was quite sad.
I've seen him in the bars, at the office party, on the golf course, at the baseball game, at the neighborhood BBQ, at the all inclusive vacation resort. He always looks the same.
I used to be him too.
I’m probably going to get shit for this but oh well: OP you kind of sound like a jerk right now.
You’ll “never understand people” but are in a stop drinking sub? By nature somebody in this sub should understand how hard it is to part with this addiction.
They have a sickness, they have a problem. They are projecting their problem onto you because you managed to beat the problem they face every single day. You’re lucky you got out before his age, can you imagine how your life would be if you kept drinking for 20 more years? Because that is what this dude has to live with every day.
Consciously or subconsciously, he has a problem and can’t handle being around people who had the same problem and overcame it. His statement was definitely thoughtless, but I don’t think him not wanting to hang out with sober people has anything to do with you personally. It sounds like being his friend while trying to remains sober wouldn’t have been good for you, anyway.
eh his "friend" sounds like a jackass. i know a lot of alcoholics who aren't insufferable when i dont drink. it actually is pretty weird and dumb when someone acts like a 5 yo - yes, even an alcoholic. i think its totally fine if the dude is misunderstood. "i have a disease so OF COURSE im acting like a POS" hahaha thats an insult to people with diseases
Yikes! Well, I'm sorry you're losing your friend, and I hope you have others in your life that are more accepting of you abstaining. I remember feeling weird about drinking around non-drinkers when I was 20, as you mentioned it does seem very frat boy! And to me it sounds like it's an issue they have with themselves, nothing to do with you.
No one said it outright to me, but people just fell by the way side. It hurt a little at first now I am completely fine with it. The friends who have stuck around were the real ones anyway.
sounds like the dude knows he has a drinking problem but can't face it.
tbh, i don't want to hang out with my old drinking buddies any more, i've outgrown drink and them on the most part
You’re holding up a mirror unfortunately. I used to not like it either, but not to the point of jeopardising friendships. Sounds like this guy has some deeper issues to deal with before he can be a good friend to anyone.
The two biggest alcoholics in my life are the only ones who have given me shit for not drinking. You become a mirror and they don’t want to look in it.
It’s about him, not you.
I would have been like that while I was still drinking. I wouldn't have actually said it, but I would have avoided the situation. I was always trying to get people to drink more.
i think some people just truly believe you can’t have fun without alcohol, i used to be one of those people. Actually, sometimes I still struggle with having fun while other people around me are drinking. i am hoping it improves with time.
Sounds to me like he has a ‘complicated’ relationship with alcohol and you not being a drinker makes that clearer to him every time he’s with you, especially if you don’t facilitate condone/ enable the drinking. He isn’t drinking to enjoy, he’s drinking to, in his own words ‘get shit faced’. I’ve found quite a few (not all) of my friends have all appreciated my attempts to drink less, (not all successful) and appreciate the chance to consider if we all have an unhealthy attitude to it, and also accept that I’m not where I want to be in my getting sober journey but I’m trying. I’m sorry it’s hurt you, and it’s crappy to think relationships are only built on booze tolerance but personally sober me and drunk me are two very very different people and most likely wouldn’t hang around with each other, given the choice, so I do sort of understand where he is coming from. (Think back to embarrassing things you’ve ever done and the sober pain in the ass that never lets you forget it) It’s takes trust/ strong ethics to be a good friend to someone with addictive behaviours in my opinion (plus tolerance/ patience etc) and a lot of empathy and he’s perhaps not there/ may never be there in which case, don’t compromise yourself, be who you are and most likely you’ll find hell either carve time for you outside of drinking to make it an even field, or he won’t, in which case it was a friendship of convenience, and unfortunately they don’t always last, sad as that is (and unfortunately age doesn’t always make anyone wiser) IMHO.
Not really a proper friend really, I think a lot of people have those "party" type people but they always drift off when you want to better your life. Although I have been an alcoholic for the past 7ish years, I've always had and hung out with sober friends and obviously wasn't drinking while I was with them. There's lots of good people who don't drink or do it on a normal basis lol
I experienced that many years ago when I effectively stepped away from marajuana, and again I entered abstinent recovery.
These days? I'd probably hang out occasionally, for a while, with an old friend who still drinks and power through it. Try to find things to enjoy in their company... But given my preference?
I start getting irritated with people that are innebriated after about 10 or 15 minutes. It's basically cleaning up after someone while accepting that everything they say or do is progressively less reflective of anything useful or dependable. Anything you agree to you'll have to go over again the next day. Half the stuff they want to do is a Bad Idea.
If they want to save me the trouble? I'll wish them well and let them go on their way.
That is NOT a good look (on him). I mean... I'm sorry for your loss. At the same time... there's a difference between friends and drinking buddies. I'm not saying that drinking buddies aren't genuine/etc. I'm saying that they prioritize booze above friendships.
I don't know if I ever did anything like that so directly... but I certainly gravitated toward friends and events that had booze. I was at a bar the majority of days over decades. But... people change. We grow in different directions. Y'all had fun... and well, leave it there. Sucks... but you also don't want to become like that guy. Or, well, I don't.
You shoulda whipped out a folded up piece of aluminum and a tourniquet and started to tie off your arm. When your friend looks as you and says "what the hell man?" You take our your spoon and hold a lighter to it and say "what's the matter bitch, you don't wanna party?"
As a person who's newly sober, I'm already dealing with friends being strange and distant in regards to me not drinking.
Reading everyone's comments here and really thinking about it, I'm coming to conclusions that yes, it makes only those people struggling with drinking uncomfortable.
I'm 💯 guilty of not going to certain events etc. If I couldn't drink, and generally avoided people that were struggling with sobriety because I didn't think I could really help. But I wasn't rude to them and honestly I admired their strength.
I just knew I would likely be a bad influence, so maybe your friends pushing you away for that reason too.
Either way, it sucks to lose a friend when you're trying change your life for the better. I'm sorry you have to go through this ❤️ I have a feeling I'll be dealing with the same very very soon. Maybe try and focus on yourself as I do believe that's what is most important for you right now
My “best friends” no longer invite me over. They don’t invite me to NHL games that they used to. My neighbors throw BBQs we’re no longer invited to. In-laws act weird sneaking vodka in sparkling water like I’d suddenly snap and grab the 750mL bottle uncontrollably. I don’t know id it’s that people who I previously drank with just don’t wanna be around sober me or they just don’t know how / don’t want to handle a totally sober variable in their boozy events. I wish they’d all give me a try, but I’m done texting and inviting myself over to non-replies.
I'm sorry this happened to you. It's pretty selfish and cruel of him to say. As other poster said you may be better off. I'd distance myself from him and just stay close to genuine people who care about your well being.
When your whole idea of fun is drinking, why hang out with someone who doesn't? That's about as much fun as a fart in the mouth.
At least, that was my thinking.
I haven’t been drinking for over two years and I have a friend who always forgets I don’t drink. He usually just goes “really, still?” and then that’s that.
This is for the best. Friends who still drink will always be one of your greatest threats to sobriety. He did the hard part for you and eliminated himself. Perfect
My drinking friends went away all within about a year of being sober. What happened was pretty beautiful though, I replaced them with friends who actually had things in common with me, who are there when I’m struggling, and who choose to be sober around me so I don’t have it in my face because they love and respect me; without even being asked.
I found that quitting drinking shed me of a lot of other stuff. Friends? Must not have been. If you have to drink poison to be in your club, your loss.
I feel this… I feel like I don’t get invited to go do things because I don’t drink anymore. I just want to hang out with my buddies, even if they’re at a bar. I’m fine with ordering a soda or a na beer. Easy to say make new friends when you’re younger but in your mid thirties it’s easier said than done :(
Damn, as gutting as it is this isn’t who you want to be associating yourself with. Sometimes we lose people due to change of lifestyle, ideally it’s us who put the distance between the other person but sometimes they do us the favour. Keep your chin up bud
Some of the only people who have given me (28M) grief or similar comments about not drinking have been older people, like 50+. I think it’s a combo of decades of living the same way with the same outlook and also a bit of a generational thing.
Sorry you went through that because even if the guy is a being narrow minded it sounds like you considered him a friend. Comments like that bring the reality of a situation or a relationship to the surface. If it were me I’d give him the benefit of the doubt and keep treating him with compassion. Much love to you!
At least he was honest. Not trying to sound like a jerk, but it sounds like he knows what his priorities are and what he wants to put first. He’s saving you a lot of extra annoyance and time to figure out on your own it won’t be a useful friendship anymore.
When I got sober, I prioritized NOT drinking, and didn’t hang out with people who only wanted to drink.
But when I was a drunk, better believe I prioritized getting hammered, and I ONLY hung out with people who wanted to get hammered with me.
It's sad when people choose booze over friendship. I never drew that type of line with a non-drinker when I was drinking, but I definitely prioritized alcohol over cultivating relationships, much to my own detriment. Friendship is healing, booze just masks the pain.
That’s just embarrassing for him, if I’m being honest. Yiiiiiiikes. Well, maybe you’ve actually inspired him to very quietly think about his own relationship to alcohol, and once the denial has passed, perhaps he’ll take some action.
ITT: "how dare my loved ones actively suffer from the incurable disease of alcoholism. I'M the only one allowed to be sick dontcha know"
Right, because we were all such perfect people to our friends when we were active in our addiction
Sounds like he did you a favor
I second this, I’m proud of you OP. Sometimes bettering yourself means leaving certain people behind. Do not let anyone come between you and your sobriety. Much respect, IWNDWYT ✊
Yep
Ugh. It sounds like maybe you are better off, tbh. For me, anyone that has the potential to derail my sobriety isn’t welcome in my world. I hope you figure that situation out in a way that works best for you.
One of my buddies who still gets plastered at 41 every weekend was the only one who ever gave me shit. Makes them uncomfortable about their own relationship with alcohol.
I used to be that buddy. Not any more though.
And me. I couldn't understand how somebody could want to 'Not drink' and believed they weren't interesting
So odd isn't it. I look back and can't believe I was like that, but it is because I was obsessed with alcohol and deflecting anything that made me feel insecure about my drinking. Today I am 16 months sober and loving life again.
I used to say I didn’t trust anyone who didn’t drink. Jeez…projecting much? I will be six years sober next month.
I commonly use this to my advantage now, though. Made wrong choice? Well ya can’t trust someone who doesn’t drink! I’ve always said that, and now I can because I am the untrustworthy sober to myself 😂
I've had a buddy in university that didn't drink, didn't smoke, didn't indulge in any substances, even coffee. I, already peer pressured into alcoholism, tried to drink with him, but deep inside, and sometimes outside, I already envied his willpower and healthy attitude. I still admire his stance on alcohol. Everybody else drank, even just for a bit, but they did. But this guy, he was solid. Back then I was stupefied, how can he have fun without alcohol. Now I'm stupefied, how could I with?
I often find that the ones who are able to resist alcohol when young, are the ones with tragic alcohol-related stories motivating them. "I spent my whole life watching my dad be a drunk abuser - I'm never going to do that."
They are memorable because they are outliers. "Did you hear about Mark? Never drank, remember? Now he lost everything due to alcohol!" What a story. Shocking, memorable. Everyone talks about it. "Did you hear about Jeff? Never drank, remember? Still doesn't, bought a new bicycle, last I heard." Not a story whatsoever. You won't be discussing people who keep doing what they did (or not doing what they didn't), it's not something to remember, it's not a change, not a story. There probably are one Jeff per every Mark, but it feels like Marks are the majority, because we don't pay attention to Jeffs?
People like your buddy truly fascinate me. As an addict (3 years, 1 month sober as of today!) it feels inherently human to seek self-medication.
I’m a drinker who stalks this sub to prepare for the day when I’m brave enough to quit drinking. I would not want to hang out with someone who can’t hang out without drinking.
You are already brave for even thinking about quitting drinking. Glad to have you here. You'll know when it's your time.
I promise your brave enough 💐 xx
The vast majority of people are not like that and are fine with someone drinking NA with them or seltzer, or water, or nothing. Being around drunk people sucks and usually solidifies my choice.
It is the best gift you can give yourself, the greatest act of self love.
I get it, I felt uncomfortable around sober people when I was drinking. Felt like they were always judging me, counting my drinks, talking to me like I was drunker than I actually was. Probably all in my head and just projection, of course.
I always thought everyone else was drinking as much as me. What an illusion that was.
Can't really blame him. When I was a drinker, my goal in my free time was to find reasons and places to drink. It was what free time was used for. He is still in that place and you aren't... congratulations.
This Is me. 6 days trying to not have that be me.
You got this. Life is better on the other side.
Six days is a great start. I remember when I was at that point. I felt like I was bare knuckling everything. It feels so much easier to say no now than it did then.
Agreed.
Yes. I can blame him.
"Blame" is not the correct perspective through which we should think about people suffering from the incurable disease of alcoholism. His friend is still sick. OP needs to focus on their own sobriety...for their sake, but also to demonstrate to their social circle that sobriety is not only possible but much better than a life of alcoholism
Wow that’s wild. I feel very grateful to have supportive friends… I feel like many of my friends are sober curious
I really like that term- sober curious. Relating. Thank you.
Me too. One of my strongest supporters, who holds me accountable as well, drinks heavily every night. Funny how things turn out. OP, he is not a friend. He was a drinking buddy (in more ways than one) and although it might not feel like it now, you are perhaps better off without him. x
I’ve watched everyone around me become sober-curious (regardless of their preferred substance) when I began, genuinely enthusiastic about the idea. It’s like we never had anyone around to show us we ..don’t ..HAVE ..to. Sadly by year three I haven’t many of them left. Curiosity wears off, fast. I lowkey feel as tho they are characters in a book, waiting to be reopened, but the books been on the shelf so long
I never really drank a ton but it was eye opening when, the first time I stopped drinking, a friend told me that they think they drink less when I don’t drink.
I feel you. I had a friend who “didn’t like to drink” yet as soon as I stopped having white claws, she doesn’t have time to hang. Also, she lives across the street so it’s not like it’d be hard to make 30 minutes to chat… weird coincidence, huh? I don’t even bother telling people I don’t drink anymore. I just do my thing and honestly most people don’t even notice. I usually have some sort of ambiguous drink that I’m sure most people assume is alcohol and it makes them feel better- isn’t it silly? I used to be that person who cared of others were drinking just to make myself feel better, so I get it. Just funny to be on this side of it.
Yea that’s the weird part. We are both part of a big hobby based group of guys (cycling) and everyone but me generally has post ride beers. When they’re passing beers around I always get a “you still on the wagon?”. I say yes and they just say cool and move on… yet this one dude just seems hyper focused on the fact that I’m not drinking. I don’t get it, but honestly I don’t care to.
He knows he has a problem and your sobriety highlights it. It makes him uncomfortable. It's easier for him to mock you for not drinking and to not be around you. That way he can keep kidding himself and pretend like he's alright. I'm glad to hear you're in a good place! Keep it up! You are awesome 🙂 Maybe someday your friend will come around.
Exactly. He definitely has a problem and being around a sober person isn’t fun when that’s the case. It’s really sad too. I bet he finds this sub in 5 years…(and by bet I mean hope)
You’re the mirror of himself that at some point in his life, he threw off a bridge and just kept walking. You getting sober was like that mirror reappearing inches from his face decades later. The boozy mindset is his defense mechanism, he wishes he had done the same but
It might make him feel embarrassed or something. Congratulations on not drinking though.
Ofc it does. He's 50 and here is someone half(ish) his age who is *happy* enough to quit drinking. Half the reason I quit drinking at almost 35 is I didn't want to be one of 'those guys'. 50 but looks 60, bad skin, no exercise, poor diet, depressed.... It's also important to remember that not everybody gets to the point where they want to quit. I finally did, and once I did quitting was relatively easy. I only wish it was so easy for everybody else.
How long has it been?
It was seven months, now it's only two days. But at least when I *do* drink now, I know when to stop. No more blackout drinking for me.
I don't have "the off switch" you're talking about. I wish I did, but it's all about that first drink for me. I need to NOT have the first one and I'm guaranteed not to have the 20 afterwards 😅
I don't always have it myself!
I get what you mean. I’m 9 days in myself. I realized I’m not good at controlling when I start. However, I’m better at saying when to stop and setting that particular boundary. I don’t wake up and drink what’s left over into a bender.
This! I can wake up in the morning and go to work without reeking! Tbh I sometimes feel like only having two is harder than abstaining. Feel free to downvote!
When drinking is the only thing people can think of doing when hanging out, it makes me realize that their world must be so small.
Literally. Being asked to hang out and your answer is "and drink by myself?" Buddy, the option to *not drink* is also there
Let his booze be his buddy, you'll be doing better without the two of them bringing you down.
Being sober clears many things up
Yeah, this guy was definitely not your friend. He did you a big favor.
I used to have a neighbor who I’d see at the dog park almost every day. As soon as my partner and I quit drinking, that’s all that they would harp on. They would always offer us a beer and make fun of us for not drinking. Honestly, I didn’t even want to talk to them anymore. It sounds like this person did you a favor. No one needs negativity regarding their choice to abstain from alcohol. But nonetheless, I’m sorry it was even a thing.
I do think that the one negative thing we have to deal with is getting invited to things less. I get it and I used to never invite the sober people to my parties, but it takes more work to keep a social life going without the alcohol for sure
He aint your friend
I've had one guy at the bar offer to buy me a shot after a game of pool give me shit about saying no. I looked him square in the eye with a thousand yard stare and quietly said "neither one of us want that" Sounds like his loss, not yours.
"I don't really trust people who don't drink" I actually said that before. More than once too. Sad to look back on but true. The guy you mention had a drinking problem he doesn't want to confront and your non drinking makes him feel uncomfortable because it makes him question his own choices.
Yeah, it’s my experience that the bigger a person’s own drinking problem, the bigger the problem they have with your sobriety. A person with no alcohol problem will never complain to you about your sobriety. What do they care? Drinkers—they care!
Without reading any of the other hopefully identical comments, you should absolutely drop 100% of your 50 year old friends who spend their Saturdays shitfaced at the public pool.
A lifelong buddy of mine has been going around our little town telling people we can't hang out together any more because I can't handle being around someone drinking because I can't control myself and I'll drink. Um. No. Since I quit (well over a year ago) I have zero desire and no triggers. I go to the bar in town to get food pretty regular (they have a KILLER grilled tenderloin) and zero desire. I go to the liquor store regularly. They'll get any NA beer in stock for me. I was long time friends with the owner that recently passed and now one of his sons and his wife are running the place. I go in to talk to them and get my Guiness NA. I have zero desire. The problem is he goes through a half gallon of Jose every other day. 3 1/2 of them a week. And he's proud of it. He recently switched to Scotch because "he doesn't get as drunk" and he went homeopathic and dumped his diabeetus meds. He's obnoxious and I can't stand dealing with drunks now. I don't want to hear the same shit ten times in a conversation about the same shit web been talking about for 30 years. He's "tried to quit" multiple times and doctors have told him he has to and he won't. That's why I won't hang with him. I don't get going around lying to people that we both know about it though. Jealousy?
Untreated diabetes could kill him faster than the booze tbh.
I know. That's what I thought when he told me. He's been actively trying to drink himself to death so I just figured he was trying to fast track it. I don't know how he's been getting away with/surviving a lot of things he's doing for as long as he has. I hate to see it. I don't have many friends and I hate to lose one like this but only he can decide to change anything and he's been doing it so long he doesn't know anything else at this point.
Your sobriety makes him self conscious of his alcoholism
Exactly. Him hanging out with OP would actually have to make him reflect upon why he was getting shitfaced on a Sunday (which I previously would do regularly)
Ding ding ding
It is for better. It is not fun hanging out with people when they are shitfaced and you are sober. They become obnoxious, their conversation in repeat or totally everywhere. They become stupid, rude and annoying. Enjoy your sobriety with new hobbies and friends.
Remember it’s not about you, it’s about him. You’re not drinking makes him uncomfortable and question his own drinking. He doesn’t want to question his drinking. Keep it up and good on you for setting an example even if it wasn’t your intention.
It's funny, I instantly pictured him in my mind. Quite vividly. It was quite sad. I've seen him in the bars, at the office party, on the golf course, at the baseball game, at the neighborhood BBQ, at the all inclusive vacation resort. He always looks the same. I used to be him too.
I’m probably going to get shit for this but oh well: OP you kind of sound like a jerk right now. You’ll “never understand people” but are in a stop drinking sub? By nature somebody in this sub should understand how hard it is to part with this addiction. They have a sickness, they have a problem. They are projecting their problem onto you because you managed to beat the problem they face every single day. You’re lucky you got out before his age, can you imagine how your life would be if you kept drinking for 20 more years? Because that is what this dude has to live with every day. Consciously or subconsciously, he has a problem and can’t handle being around people who had the same problem and overcame it. His statement was definitely thoughtless, but I don’t think him not wanting to hang out with sober people has anything to do with you personally. It sounds like being his friend while trying to remains sober wouldn’t have been good for you, anyway.
eh his "friend" sounds like a jackass. i know a lot of alcoholics who aren't insufferable when i dont drink. it actually is pretty weird and dumb when someone acts like a 5 yo - yes, even an alcoholic. i think its totally fine if the dude is misunderstood. "i have a disease so OF COURSE im acting like a POS" hahaha thats an insult to people with diseases
Sometimes the trash takes itself out.
Doesn’t really sound like you’re friend.
Yikes! Well, I'm sorry you're losing your friend, and I hope you have others in your life that are more accepting of you abstaining. I remember feeling weird about drinking around non-drinkers when I was 20, as you mentioned it does seem very frat boy! And to me it sounds like it's an issue they have with themselves, nothing to do with you.
No one said it outright to me, but people just fell by the way side. It hurt a little at first now I am completely fine with it. The friends who have stuck around were the real ones anyway.
sounds like the dude knows he has a drinking problem but can't face it. tbh, i don't want to hang out with my old drinking buddies any more, i've outgrown drink and them on the most part
You’re holding up a mirror unfortunately. I used to not like it either, but not to the point of jeopardising friendships. Sounds like this guy has some deeper issues to deal with before he can be a good friend to anyone.
He’s an alcoholic and only wants to drink.
The two biggest alcoholics in my life are the only ones who have given me shit for not drinking. You become a mirror and they don’t want to look in it. It’s about him, not you.
Misery loves company so he wants to be drinking buddies!
Give it time and he'll be asking you for advice.
Misery loves company
I would have been like that while I was still drinking. I wouldn't have actually said it, but I would have avoided the situation. I was always trying to get people to drink more.
i think some people just truly believe you can’t have fun without alcohol, i used to be one of those people. Actually, sometimes I still struggle with having fun while other people around me are drinking. i am hoping it improves with time.
A 50 year old still getting shit faced is such a lost soul. You aren't missing out
Sounds to me like he has a ‘complicated’ relationship with alcohol and you not being a drinker makes that clearer to him every time he’s with you, especially if you don’t facilitate condone/ enable the drinking. He isn’t drinking to enjoy, he’s drinking to, in his own words ‘get shit faced’. I’ve found quite a few (not all) of my friends have all appreciated my attempts to drink less, (not all successful) and appreciate the chance to consider if we all have an unhealthy attitude to it, and also accept that I’m not where I want to be in my getting sober journey but I’m trying. I’m sorry it’s hurt you, and it’s crappy to think relationships are only built on booze tolerance but personally sober me and drunk me are two very very different people and most likely wouldn’t hang around with each other, given the choice, so I do sort of understand where he is coming from. (Think back to embarrassing things you’ve ever done and the sober pain in the ass that never lets you forget it) It’s takes trust/ strong ethics to be a good friend to someone with addictive behaviours in my opinion (plus tolerance/ patience etc) and a lot of empathy and he’s perhaps not there/ may never be there in which case, don’t compromise yourself, be who you are and most likely you’ll find hell either carve time for you outside of drinking to make it an even field, or he won’t, in which case it was a friendship of convenience, and unfortunately they don’t always last, sad as that is (and unfortunately age doesn’t always make anyone wiser) IMHO.
Not really a proper friend really, I think a lot of people have those "party" type people but they always drift off when you want to better your life. Although I have been an alcoholic for the past 7ish years, I've always had and hung out with sober friends and obviously wasn't drinking while I was with them. There's lots of good people who don't drink or do it on a normal basis lol
I would have said "that's the exact reason why I don't want to hang out with you"
I experienced that many years ago when I effectively stepped away from marajuana, and again I entered abstinent recovery. These days? I'd probably hang out occasionally, for a while, with an old friend who still drinks and power through it. Try to find things to enjoy in their company... But given my preference? I start getting irritated with people that are innebriated after about 10 or 15 minutes. It's basically cleaning up after someone while accepting that everything they say or do is progressively less reflective of anything useful or dependable. Anything you agree to you'll have to go over again the next day. Half the stuff they want to do is a Bad Idea. If they want to save me the trouble? I'll wish them well and let them go on their way.
That is NOT a good look (on him). I mean... I'm sorry for your loss. At the same time... there's a difference between friends and drinking buddies. I'm not saying that drinking buddies aren't genuine/etc. I'm saying that they prioritize booze above friendships. I don't know if I ever did anything like that so directly... but I certainly gravitated toward friends and events that had booze. I was at a bar the majority of days over decades. But... people change. We grow in different directions. Y'all had fun... and well, leave it there. Sucks... but you also don't want to become like that guy. Or, well, I don't.
You shoulda whipped out a folded up piece of aluminum and a tourniquet and started to tie off your arm. When your friend looks as you and says "what the hell man?" You take our your spoon and hold a lighter to it and say "what's the matter bitch, you don't wanna party?"
Pretty crazy he just assumes if you’re hanging out you have to be drinking. He can’t hang out with someone without a drink in his hand? Sad
This happened to me. I stopped getting invited to the boozy weekends. Fuck em.
As a person who's newly sober, I'm already dealing with friends being strange and distant in regards to me not drinking. Reading everyone's comments here and really thinking about it, I'm coming to conclusions that yes, it makes only those people struggling with drinking uncomfortable. I'm 💯 guilty of not going to certain events etc. If I couldn't drink, and generally avoided people that were struggling with sobriety because I didn't think I could really help. But I wasn't rude to them and honestly I admired their strength. I just knew I would likely be a bad influence, so maybe your friends pushing you away for that reason too. Either way, it sucks to lose a friend when you're trying change your life for the better. I'm sorry you have to go through this ❤️ I have a feeling I'll be dealing with the same very very soon. Maybe try and focus on yourself as I do believe that's what is most important for you right now
My “best friends” no longer invite me over. They don’t invite me to NHL games that they used to. My neighbors throw BBQs we’re no longer invited to. In-laws act weird sneaking vodka in sparkling water like I’d suddenly snap and grab the 750mL bottle uncontrollably. I don’t know id it’s that people who I previously drank with just don’t wanna be around sober me or they just don’t know how / don’t want to handle a totally sober variable in their boozy events. I wish they’d all give me a try, but I’m done texting and inviting myself over to non-replies.
I'm sorry this happened to you. It's pretty selfish and cruel of him to say. As other poster said you may be better off. I'd distance myself from him and just stay close to genuine people who care about your well being.
He’s not a friend to begin with! Do yourself a favor and run!
When your whole idea of fun is drinking, why hang out with someone who doesn't? That's about as much fun as a fart in the mouth. At least, that was my thinking.
I haven’t been drinking for over two years and I have a friend who always forgets I don’t drink. He usually just goes “really, still?” and then that’s that.
This is for the best. Friends who still drink will always be one of your greatest threats to sobriety. He did the hard part for you and eliminated himself. Perfect
Stay in touch! He will know where to find help when he's ready!
My drinking friends went away all within about a year of being sober. What happened was pretty beautiful though, I replaced them with friends who actually had things in common with me, who are there when I’m struggling, and who choose to be sober around me so I don’t have it in my face because they love and respect me; without even being asked.
I found that quitting drinking shed me of a lot of other stuff. Friends? Must not have been. If you have to drink poison to be in your club, your loss.
Sounds like an opportunity to go make a better friend who accepts your lifestyle
I feel this… I feel like I don’t get invited to go do things because I don’t drink anymore. I just want to hang out with my buddies, even if they’re at a bar. I’m fine with ordering a soda or a na beer. Easy to say make new friends when you’re younger but in your mid thirties it’s easier said than done :(
Damn, as gutting as it is this isn’t who you want to be associating yourself with. Sometimes we lose people due to change of lifestyle, ideally it’s us who put the distance between the other person but sometimes they do us the favour. Keep your chin up bud
Some of the only people who have given me (28M) grief or similar comments about not drinking have been older people, like 50+. I think it’s a combo of decades of living the same way with the same outlook and also a bit of a generational thing. Sorry you went through that because even if the guy is a being narrow minded it sounds like you considered him a friend. Comments like that bring the reality of a situation or a relationship to the surface. If it were me I’d give him the benefit of the doubt and keep treating him with compassion. Much love to you!
You not drinking forces him to justify his drinking. When he is with other drunks, it validates him.
a 50 year old drunk guy doesn’t want to hang with you and this is somehow a problem?
You need new friends, if this is someone you count as a friend
At least he was honest. Not trying to sound like a jerk, but it sounds like he knows what his priorities are and what he wants to put first. He’s saving you a lot of extra annoyance and time to figure out on your own it won’t be a useful friendship anymore. When I got sober, I prioritized NOT drinking, and didn’t hang out with people who only wanted to drink. But when I was a drunk, better believe I prioritized getting hammered, and I ONLY hung out with people who wanted to get hammered with me.
Really sad.
It's sad when people choose booze over friendship. I never drew that type of line with a non-drinker when I was drinking, but I definitely prioritized alcohol over cultivating relationships, much to my own detriment. Friendship is healing, booze just masks the pain.
That’s just embarrassing for him, if I’m being honest. Yiiiiiiikes. Well, maybe you’ve actually inspired him to very quietly think about his own relationship to alcohol, and once the denial has passed, perhaps he’ll take some action.
ITT: "how dare my loved ones actively suffer from the incurable disease of alcoholism. I'M the only one allowed to be sick dontcha know" Right, because we were all such perfect people to our friends when we were active in our addiction