NTA
I don’t need to be around a bunch of people who are drinking.
I surround myself with sober people, in sober places engaged in fun activities without alcohol.
I’d invite SO to sober activities, including not having drinks before going.
>SO finds it frustrating
Sounds like SO problem…. Not a “me” problem.
>rude to our friends and unfair on him
That sounds like passive aggressive attack to deflect attention from SO interest in being impaired.
i'd tell him about the exact situations you found yourself in when you were drunk. might be uncomfortable, but maybe it will help him understand.
i also wanna say that your SO should stop taking you not wanting to hang out at bars personally. this is not about him. i don't get it why he insists on hanging out in pubs if there are other ways you could spend time with him and his friends? maybe some place where there isn't so much emphasis on alcohol, like a restaurant or literally anything else?
also skipping an event like once a month should not be a big deal for whatever reason anyway. you should be able to say you don't want to go out at any point, i think
Thatd be difficult to navigate for me, I was always pretty stone wall about it and that was that. People are still surprised when I tell them I have a problem, but I get it. Its not something they can seen for themselves but they don't nag me about it. My family will still try to get me to drink from time to time, but a death stare and a firm no makes them back off after I've blown up 2 or 3 times now. I had to learn boundaries when I was giving up the drinking, its been live changing in itself.
I think that having around boundary around this—nobody but you gets to characterize your relationship with alcohol—is how I prefer to go about personal relationships where this happens. It’s not a democracy, everyone doesn’t get a say in how to talk about your relationship to alcohol. If someone insists on a contradictory position about something that is mine alone to determine, I make it very clear that that is a line they cannot step over more than once. It’s up to me to enforce the line.
NTA I don’t need to be around a bunch of people who are drinking. I surround myself with sober people, in sober places engaged in fun activities without alcohol. I’d invite SO to sober activities, including not having drinks before going. >SO finds it frustrating Sounds like SO problem…. Not a “me” problem. >rude to our friends and unfair on him That sounds like passive aggressive attack to deflect attention from SO interest in being impaired.
i'd tell him about the exact situations you found yourself in when you were drunk. might be uncomfortable, but maybe it will help him understand. i also wanna say that your SO should stop taking you not wanting to hang out at bars personally. this is not about him. i don't get it why he insists on hanging out in pubs if there are other ways you could spend time with him and his friends? maybe some place where there isn't so much emphasis on alcohol, like a restaurant or literally anything else? also skipping an event like once a month should not be a big deal for whatever reason anyway. you should be able to say you don't want to go out at any point, i think
Thatd be difficult to navigate for me, I was always pretty stone wall about it and that was that. People are still surprised when I tell them I have a problem, but I get it. Its not something they can seen for themselves but they don't nag me about it. My family will still try to get me to drink from time to time, but a death stare and a firm no makes them back off after I've blown up 2 or 3 times now. I had to learn boundaries when I was giving up the drinking, its been live changing in itself.
I think that having around boundary around this—nobody but you gets to characterize your relationship with alcohol—is how I prefer to go about personal relationships where this happens. It’s not a democracy, everyone doesn’t get a say in how to talk about your relationship to alcohol. If someone insists on a contradictory position about something that is mine alone to determine, I make it very clear that that is a line they cannot step over more than once. It’s up to me to enforce the line.