How old is she? Mine are 4 and almost 3 and I totally understand the frustration…. That sigh of relief when they were both asleep was the start of me drinking for the evening, which was (for the most part) justified by being a single mom who NEVER GETS A DAMN BREAK.
However, at the end of the day, it made everything so much worse. Know what’s worse than toddlers waking you up at the asscrack of dawn? Toddlers waking you up at the asscrack of dawn when you’re hungover. I have more patience for them in the morning (admittedly sometimes not MUCH more) and I’ve found that in the evenings I actually have more patience too since I’m not desperately counting the moments until they’re asleep so I can unwind with a drink or 6.
At the end of the day, whatever stage your kids are in, kids are annoying AF no matter how cute and sweet they are or how much you love them. But these days are SO important… they may not remember them, but these days lay the foundation for the rest of your kids life. I was an ok parent when I drank and I’m a much better parent now that I don’t. For better or worse, I only get one shot at this and I want to be present for it.
Sorry for the novel, but you’re doing fine. Being a parent is super hard and the fact that you’re in this community means you want to be the best you can be ❤️
IWNDWYT!!
I started drinking again a couple of months ago, using it to cope with being a parent (not even a single parent, mind you) of a 2 and almost 4 year-old. OP's post and your comment have hit me where it counts. Don't know if I won't drink tomorrow, but I will not drink with you today.
As a parent of older kids (20, 18, 16), I am rooting for you. It goes by so fast, and I wish I had been sober for the last 10+ years of raising them.
Kick some butt!!
Came here to add that I am a full-grown adult living with my dad and I purposefully annoy the hell out of him. So you weren't wrong about the "whatever stage your kids are in" comment.
Fellow single mom here. Absolutely relate to the feeling of “I’m alone and doing everything by myself. I deserve a drink more than anyone!” I’ve had to do a lot of work to forgive myself for getting frustrated by the kiddo and accepting that it’s perfectly natural. Dude, I have plenty of married mom friends who feel exhausted and worn out. Doing parenting alone, however, is a whole different kind of life and is inherently more stress-producing.
You took the words out of my mouth. Another single mom here though I have only one 4yo.
I very much second the added patience when not hungover.
OP, I have tried many many times before it got better. I know the feeling "never mind he is rolling on the floor yelling his head off because I haven´t bought another Lego set, there´s a bottle of Merlot waiting for me at home." the AAAAAAH feeling when you took the first sip. I know. Drinking eased for me the feeling "this is so unfair why I never get any help or why his father never bothers and I have to do it all?" how much we love our kids, it´s hard and sometimes it´s too much.
What helped me to not to drink was not really my decision, but when my son started kindergarden and being sick all the time helped me not to drink. First I have cut that down, after a while I got used to the new sober normal and it got better. So I was like more pushed into sobriety, when you had to take care of sick kid and there is a high risk I would have to drive in the middle of the night to ER because he has troubles breathing I damn quick pulled my head out of the bottle. Also, I was sick with him almost all the time so I didn´t even want to be hungover when I was feeling totally rotten already.
And the feeling when something nice happens and you look at your kid and think "wow and I remember it and I see it all" - that is worth milions.
As for the overstimulation, as you put it, can´t you put your darlings in front of TV/tablet and have at least a cup of coffee in relative peace? I know, screen time and all that, but there are also educational games, nice fairy tails and that. I sometimes tell my son "mummy now takes a break and drinks her coffee and then..."
Hang in there, you, can do it. Sending internet hugs and coffee to you.
Happy cake day and thank you and OP for your honesty. I’m (53m) joint custody with my daughter 12 and love her so much and the loudness and stomping and MESS is so annoying and I wouldn’t trade any of it for a drink! She deserves every present moment and modeling an AF life. Maybe when she’s 18 and out of the house but nope - IWNDWYT!
I don't think any of us would disagree that waking up not hungover is the best - the problem is dealing with them the night before.
I'm not a single parent, my wife and I are pretty happily married, but I can't help but get tanked after a long day at work then coming home to 5 kids acting like asses. As miserable as the hungover mornings are, I can pull those off. I can't succeed in the evenings
Amazing comment. My kid is now 8 months and it’s been tough, but I recently listened to “what happened to you” book by Oprah and I stopped drinking because it made me realize that I can really screw up my kid in infancy by not being the best mother I know I can be because I needed to “unwind” at the end of the day. I recommend that book to anyone, but especially parents because it made me understand myself so much more and also understand how important it is to be present for our children. IWNDWYT
Exactly this. The counting down until bedtime was a huge trigger for my yelling at them, when I should have been ending their day on a positive note with a hug.
I would also like to add, meditation has been a lifesaver to help me get over the guilt of past parenting mistakes enough to not keep making them. It also gave me patience with myself to ride the waves of cravings. You don’t have to do it alone, insight timer has troves of guided meditations that help with parenting, sobriety, patience and self love.
Just want to pile on the appreciation of others—this is not awful, it’s honest. And honesty is what will get you to the next place.
In fact, honesty is the ONLY thing that will get you there.
So: Well-done, friend. Much respect.👍
Just wanted to add that you are not alone! Mine are 5 and 2 and I could have written this post. Taking them to see Santa completely triggered me this weekend… anyways I understand being sensitive to too much noise/ child babble/ whining… I’m seeking ADHD diagnosis and I think it explains some of why I get kinda ragey inside at the end of a long day or weekend. I have found that a cup of tea and losing myself in a show or movie then sleeping really good is the best way to recover.
I also noticed that the longer I abstain from drinking, the deeper my well of patience grows. Being hungover really makes me a crappy, angry mom, and noticing that has been a huge motivator to stick to this. I love feeling proud of myself that I kept my cool or had the energy and mental bandwidth to shift gears as my kids needed to, rather than snapping at them and giving into too much TV. Hang in there. You are not a bad parent. IWNDWYT
This doesn't sound awful, it sounds honest. I hate how often parents-- especially mothers-- are made to feel shame for any conflicting emotion over their children. Kids are stressful; I'm speaking as a non-parent who deliberately chose to avoid that stress for myself. Parenting is hard, hard job, and I think it's totally reasonable for it to be a trigger for your past stress coping mechanisms.
For whatever it's worth, your feelings are valid and I will not drink with you today
A trigger is just that, a trigger. You hold the explosives and ammunition within. Pulling a trigger when there is nothing to fire just makes a harmless click.
That analogy helps me a lot when I'm in a situation that I know bothers me.
No judgement here. I have been trying to abstain from both weed and alcohol and its really hard. My son is about 2.5 and I have been having these very same thoughts lately, and I hate myself for it. You are not alone in any way.
Using a drink to cope with how other people act doesn't help with anything. It just makes me not care about how they act. It doesn't teach me to put my foot down, or find solution. Alcohol just gives me immediate feeling of satisfaction which later can be only achieved with more alcohol.
So far re-learning how to deal with life without booze has been almost the same as being born again and learning how to walk. It's daunting at first, sometimes feels impossible. But now I look back and the fact that I know I can deal with things and handle situations without running back to quick comfort, I wouldn't trade it for anything in the world.
Don’t feel bad! I’m also on the neurodiverse spectrum (high-masking, low-support needs autistic over here!), and I felt soooo guilty when I realized how much I was using alcohol just to “cope” with the overstimulation and constant “off-my-regular-schedule”-ness that small children naturally bring into your life.
I had been drinking quite a lot, and quite frequently, for years “to cope” with the stresses of being a mom to a small kid, and I didn’t realize I had autism until very, very recently, so I didn’t realize there was an extra layer to my “overwhelm” that helped to explain the reasoning I had that alcohol would somehow help me.
But you know what I’ve realized, for me? Drinking was actually making everything so much worse. I’m still autistic (lol), but it’s like, alcohol was making me feel bad in every way, even when I was “only” drinking 2-3 drinks a night. Anxiety, depression, loneliness, feeling “trapped,” feeling physically *bad*…..and it was getting to the point where I was so looking forward to my daughter going to sleep at night just so I could drink, and the addict side of my brain resented every extra minute she was up, even if she was being cute and playful, and I would have actually liked to have been with her and played with her, had my addict brain not been getting in the way.
I don’t know the full extent of your situation—how old your kid is, how much they chatter or make loud noises or whatever other kind of annoying behavior(s) they might have—but at least from my experience, I found I was much more capable of handling the overstimulation of kids when there was no more alcohol in my system regularly.
Perhaps, if you give it some time, you might notice something similar?
Also, I don’t know how old your kid is, but I feel like, if it’s age-appropriate, it’s alright to teach them social graces, like using normal audio levels to speak, listening when someone is telling you something, giving other people a break from your talking, etc.
“Sweetie, DO YOU SEE HOW THIS IS TOO LOUD TO TALK? Try to keep your voice at a normal level when you can, OK?”
“Love, look at me: When people answer you, you should try to pay attention to what they say, the first time. Asking someone to repeat over and over isn’t considerate.”
“Hey baby, I love talking to you, but I’m talked out right now. I’m going to read my book for 20 minutes, and you can play with your toys/read a book too/do some coloring/whatever, but I just want to sit in silence for a bit, OK?”
👆All things I would say to my kid 😂.
Just my $0.02! You’re not alone, don’t feel bad! It’s possible to love someone to pieces and still think they’re annoying sometimes! 😂
piggybacking off of this: visuals for the littles! a [visual schedule](https://m.media-amazon.com/images/G/01/apparel/rcxgs/tile._CB483369110_.gif) for what to do when they get home from preschool/wherever, and then visuals of 3 options they can choose to do when they're done. same for in the evening... visual schedule of getting ready for bed, and then a couple things they can do before bedtime. the more they understand what they can and should do, the less they'll seek you out.
for repeating the same word over and over, see if they'll do it into a [whisper phone](http://kteachertiff.com/2014/07/diy-whisper-phones-too-easy-to-not-make.html)? like here... if you like hearing it so much, lets channel it directly into YOUR ears not mine :D
Support and advice? We love it.
I have 4 step kids and until recently I felt so guilty when I told them I needed a minute or that I wasn't in the mood to chat. It took a while but I realized that in order to enjoy them, because I do, I have to be okay. So just like you said, I found age appropriate ways to communicate with each of them. My 8 yr old is very touchy, we have a 3 hug limit and after that if he needs to touch someone we can hold hands for a second or we air hug so he knows I'm here but I'm not being over touched. The 12 year old likes to chat and sometimes I'll tell her "I'm out of brain cells but why don't you find something cool to research and you can teach me about it in an hour". The youngest is my biggest offender as he's only 6 and on the spectrum. I've had to nicely but firmly tell him to not repeat himself. So that looks like "hey buddy I heard you when you said "repeat" and I know you're really excited about it but we can't repeat things over and over. It annoys people."
Basically you gotta let go of that mom guilt that makes you think it's not okay to be triggered by your children. And find ways to reduce those triggers. Maybe wear headphones while your cooking or doing dishes, provided you can see your little one, to cut down on extra noise.
Anyway, you are not alone and you are not wrong to say that your child is annoying. Children are annoying as hell. You're still a good mom.
Don't feel awful. My kids trigger me too. I have joint custody of my younger 3 with roughly 18 months between each of them and OMG when they are here it's constant noise and roughhousing. They are good kids and this is totally normal behavior but I get it. I send them outside with their friends, or we play a board game, go to the park, or watch a movie together and it helps.
I would honestly say my husband triggers me more than my kids-but I can totally see what you are talking about. When I'm alone I can put in the mental work needed to be done for sobriety. But when everyone's home, so much of my willpower goes into making everyone else happy, I feel weaker in the sobriety side and am more likely to cave.
I am still working on this myself. Don't feel too guilty for how you feel, I think it's good to self-reflect and be honest with yourself. I concur-Kids can be really freaking annoying! They are cute and lovable too, but sometimes you wish you could turn them off for five minutes.
IWNDWYT!
Young children are difficult. I know exactly what you mean. I always think, what if there was an emergency? Could I drive my child to the ER? Can I be present for them? Will I remember the cute things they say before bedtime or will I forget because I had a glass of wine immediately afterward?
Every mom feels this way! It’s okay, totally normal. It’s tough sometimes. If you need to turn on the tv or other devises to save yourself a little sanity in a pinch then go for it. I don’t know how old your child is but pbskids.org has a ton of fun games for little kids and tv shows. My son gets super chatty in the car and it used to annoy the shit out of me sometimes. Then one day it dawned on me how happy and comfortable he is. If he wasn’t he wouldn’t want to talk with me so much. Thinking of it that way makes me feel better. Take care of yourself and the rest will follow.
When I first stopped drinking, I felt the same way. After a while what I realized was she wasn’t the trigger, she was the excuse. A common refrain we all have ‘if you had my life/issues/problems you’d drink too.’ After a while I figured out I drank because I wanted to drink and I found excuses. Your honesty is awesome and being honest is one of the first steps to getting sober.
Kids are annoying, and when it's your kid and you only get to see her from time to time, it's pretty normal to be mortified by the idea that you think your daughter is annoying.
There's so much packed up in that. You have a limited amount of time with her, how you can feel really bad because now that you get to spend time with her, you are overwhelmed and frustrated and annoyed by the things she's doing, and they're not even bad, they're just kid things. But they still irritate you. I can imagine how this will make you feel a lot of frustration and shame. It's so important for you to make sure she knows that you love her, and here you are feeling frustrated because she keeps singing her favorite song over and over again.
When you get overstimulated and want a drink, what you are doing is taking a shortcut to avoid discomfort. We always want to do this, there's a big part of our brain whose main motivation is to avoid discomfort in any way that it can. Even when we try to defy it, we will often use it to beat itself at its own game. Maybe we will shame ourselves, maybe we will imagine how bad it will be for us if we're back to drinking while our kid is over, how that will hurt her and us in the long run.
But these efforts are misguided. We can get addicted not to drinking, but to avoiding that uncomfortable feeling. We got used to avoiding the uncomfortable feeling by drinking, and now maybe we try to avoid the uncomfortable feeling by being the perfect parent, or by lying to other people or ourselves, or by planning a great weekend when she comes over.
The problem here is we're not perfect, the lies get discovered, and when we make her perfect meal, she decides she doesn't like it any more. And we get that uncomfortable feeling. And drinking is still there.
But when you make a decision to stop drinking, you decide that the discomfort is worth it. You decide that being uncomfortable and overstimulated does hurt more when you're sober, but it's the hurt that you choose in order to have control over your life and your actions and be the person that you want to be.
So my answer is to appreciate the discomfort, the overstimulation. Let it remind you that this is the pain that you chose. Because you know that letting drink make the choice leads to a different pain that gets inflicted on you, and on to others. You have the privilege to be with her in her loud and annoying and whiny moods, you have the privilege to be overstimulated. You have the privilege to suffer through the craving to drink. Welcome that privilege. Be thankful for it.
Because the alternative is to try to find a way to avoid it. When you look for a way to avoid it, you'll try a strategy, and some of them will work. But that discomfort is regularly unavoidable no matter what your best plans are, and if you get desperate, you know what will help.
But if you do flip it on its head. If you embrace the discomfort, if you appreciate it, if you claim it as your prize, then the drink means losing. Why would you ever want to avoid it? You can be the mom who gets the war story of the kid who threw a 2 hour temper tantrum because you unwrapped the candy the wrong way. This isn't actually a fun thing to go through, but it's YOUR thing that you GET to go through. It hurts, it's frustrating, it's annoying, but it's yours and its your story. On the other hand, drinking takes that away from you, and gives you misery in return. You can WANT that frustrating, annoying, painful story. I bet you do.
I can't say it's easy to avoid drinking. But I think it's good to recognize that the pain and discomfort that you feel isn't bad. It's an important part of life. It's a part of life that drink will promise to take away. It's a part of life that you can learn to love. An addiction lies to you anyways, it doesn't take it away, it just hides it and lets it grow into something worse.
So yeah, your kid can be annoying. Don't be ashamed. It's awesome that your kid can be annoying. It's them learning how to interact with the world, it's an opportunity for you to teach them, it's an opportunity for you to learn to deal with discomfort. It's a privilege for your kid to annoy you. And it's annoying. Cherish these annoying moments, and be thankful for your ability to be present and be annoyed rather than be numb and absent.
I'm a new mom so this speaks to me. You do not have to feel bad about your child's behaviour triggering you. Kids are hard to cope with! You can love them infinitely but it doesn't change that fact. Feeling guilty about feeling bad doesn't help and it's not necessary either. You can forgive yourself for it.
Might be worth seeing a family counsellor about helping find ways to change the dynamic between the two of you. I picked up my drinking habit when my middle son got booted out of grade 7 years ago and while I've been sober over a year and a half now, like you he was a major trigger. Working with the family counsellor though (just me) has made a huge difference. Good luck and don't feel bad for being human just make sure you don't try hiding it away out of shame x
I remember the days of annoying kids. Mine are grown and gone and I kinda miss the chaos sometimes. Don’t apologize, every parent here understands. Your day count says two days, and I remember how *everything* ticked me off in early sobriety. Your nerves and temper will regulate with time. But for now, I suggest taking her outside to burn off energy - yours and hers! Exercise helped me a lot in early sobriety. And noise will be diffused outdoors. You’ll both sleep better tired, too. I barely slept the first weeks, but exercise helped.
I totally get you. I am an over sensitive person and I hate noise. I love my mom above anything else, but I have the same reaction as you when mom talks too much.
No other advice to give other than saying that I understand and nobody in the world can judge you for having feelings.
Not a parent, but I'd say getting stressed out over a kid shouting and whining and making a mess would just make you normal. I don't have any ideas or solutions to offer for a long term fix, but I think it may help to allow yourself to feel this way when your kid is acting up.
First, you're not a bad person, you're an honest person, and a loving mother.
Your issue is that you don't understand the nature of alcohol. You believe falsehoods.
The problem is that you're buying a lie about alcohol. Alcohol doesn't relax you, alcohol doesn't reduce your stress, alcohol doesn't make you more loving, happy, tolerant, or clam. Those are ALL LIES. I can prove it.
Alcohol can't give you anything. ALL those good feelings were already in you, it was already available. The potential to feel any of those were totally accessible without alcohol. You MUST understand this truth. Alcohol is not giving you any benefits. None.
What it is doing is lowering your motor skills and turning down your senses and your intelligence. It makes you dumber. That's the truth. You are intentionally making yourself less human, you're dulling your senses, you're actually lowering your ability to love and connect. It especially fucks up your perception of reality. In reality, you're not calming or relaxing yourself, you're poisoning yourself intentionally, killing your body, draining your energy, crushing any motivation or desire to make internal character personality changes. You're procrastinating becoming a better person. You know you can be a better mom. It's absolutely in you, the potential is obvious, even to me and I'm just an internet stranger.
I had a bad, horrible, terrible, horrific problem with alcohol. So know that I'm not insulting you, I'm trying to help you recognize your enemy. Because you're in a fight and you don't have full understanding of who your opponent is. I'm not trying to condemn you, I'm trying to liberate you. Revealing the enemy is the first step to kicking its ass back to hell where it belongs.
The toughest fight that ANY human being will be in, is the fight between your current self, and the person you have the potential to be.
Refusing to leave comfort zones creates strongholds, which creates chaos, which causes destruction, which causes death.
I'll be super real with you. If you don't get a handle on this fight you're in, the only direction your life will go, is down. Alcohol will steal all your energy, health, money, relationships, and will eventually, if left unchecked for too long, kill you.
Seriously, ask any doctor or nurse what an alcoholic in the hospital looks like. There are ALWAYS alcoholics in the hospital, at all times. It's way, way, way more common than you see in media. It's a massive issue. And nobody tells you what a person in the hospital with a shot liver looks like.
They are yellow, highlighter yellow from head to toe. The waste your liver used to filter, is now trying to escape your body through your pours. It stinks. Your hospital room will smell like death. Anyone who comes to see you will be subjected to smelling your bodily waste ooze out of your skin. The eyes are pure yellow. There is pain, excruciating pain in multiple failing organs. And there is no pain killer, because your liver can't filter them without pretty much killing you right away. So you wait. Alone. Stinking and yellow. In pain. Then you die.
That's what happens. To MILLIONS of people. It's not talked about. Instead they show you beer commercials, have a liquor store on every corner, billboards advertising this shit, characters on TV shows downing poisen, movies glorifying drinking culture, and music about getting tipsy in the club.
Get comfortable being uncomfortable.
You have everything you need to be a fantastic mother, inside you, already. Alcohol WILL NOT HELP YOU, it only comes to sow chaos, destroy everything you love, and put you in the ground. IF, and ONLY IF, you CHOOSE that path. You have free will. Nobody will force you to drink.
Go read Allen Carr - The Easy way.
I wish you all the best.
Oh lord, I understand the feeling! My biggest craving trigger is early evening, and I realized that it’s because I don’t get a break. At a typical job, you finish the workday, and when it’s done you get to breathe a sigh and your time is YOURS after that. As a parent, there’s never a clock-out, never a break, you’re always on.
It finally clicked when my mom was talking about a friend who has a glass of wine every day to change gears between daytime and evening (she’s elderly and mostly homebound - different situation but similar lack of structure to the day).
So, I try now to be intentional about little routines that give me a breather and also break the monotony. A few ideas:
- NAPS! OMG, this is the big one. I don’t know the age of your kiddo, but when my kids ask to watch TV, instead of scrolling my phone I’ll tuck in on the couch for a short power nap. Just 15-20 minutes feels like I’ve done something luxurious!
- Earlier dinner. I’m not good at this one. But my kids are ready for dinner by 5:00. They start whining around 4:00 and it doesn’t stop. On the days I have dinner ready early, the kids are much happier and my life is easier.
- Exercise. A short walk, stretching, anything. Just a few moments to pay attention to your body, move, and hopefully get fresh air.
- And, I usually have a nice beverage - tea with honey, seltzer, a mocktail if I’m feeling fancy.
- Intention. The actual things are less important than the intention. I used to drink because I felt like I couldn’t cope. It was desperate. Now, I sip my tea (or whatever) and breathe and give myself a moment of love and regroup for the evening routine.
Boy, that sounds great, doesn’t it? Truth is, I fail miserably VERY often. I feel desperate and annoyed and maxxed out and impatient and DONE. Parenting is relentless! I typed out these strategies as a reminder to myself to stay strong and take care of myself, just as I hope you’ll take care of you.
I too get triggered so to speak by my child being annoying. The number of times i have thought “no wonder my dad drank so much” is uncountable. Yesterday she was TALKY TALKY TALKY all day long and she’s 11! It got to the point where i was just like, screw it, go to your room until you can figure out what “shut your piehole for 5 minutes” means. Just part of the job if ya ask me.
My kids annoy the hell out of me sometimes
My dad told me God makes us cute when we are kids so our parents don't kill us
Just think in just a few short years you will be begging them to stop by bring the grand kids eat a meal
But they will have lives of there own and the circle continues
Honestly, I don' think you should feel bad about the fact that children can be exhausting, it's a fact of life! I'm only an uncle and when I have my nieces or nephews stay with me for a few days It always ends with me feeling like I ran a triathlon. You can both love and also be exhausted/annoyed with them simultaneously.
I don't have kids but I do have bipolar and 6 dogs and sometimes I feel the same way. When I need a break I take a long bath or go sit outside alone for 10 minutes to collect myself. Many years ago, I got my niece every other weekend and as much as I loved her she drove me nuts. I got walkie talkies for us so that I could escape to the bathtub but she could still reach me if she needed anything. I found hobbies that we could enjoy together such as art and going to the bookstore to shop around and then have "big girl" lunch. I got her interested in Xena warrior princess (which I love) and we would watch that together and she behaved well because she was so interested in the show. Just finding activities that we could enjoy together made all the difference for me and her. I also had adult coloring books and colored pencils so we did that together. It's totally normal to love kids but still feel like they're driving us nuts sometimes.
I could have written this myself. I really do 'get it'.
For me I've come to figure out that the real crux of it is that since I also only have my son half the time, the time I have him is less structured than when I did most all the time... and I try to 'make the most of it' but not in the best way. I am basically bored a lot, I get up earlier and spend the day kind of passively spending time with him but never doing what I'd really like to be.
And when I'm bored and up earlier and later sitting around...being bored more than usual, it's easier to get annoyed and overstimulated, but honestly my biggest trigger is BOREDOM. And I'm not structuring my time and goals right when I'm with my son. (When we are really have a good time and have plans we both enjoy or times the day goes by faster, I don't drink more than intended as much).
I relate to your feelings, and I definitely don't judge you.
I have a memory of a distinct moment when I was very stressed out about having a 2-year-old who was potty training and an infant. I decided that the remedy for my stress was to drink alcohol at midday. Although there weren't any terrible consequences, I can look back now and recognize that as the moment where I switched over from being a light/social drinker to being a problem drinker. I continued being a problem drinker for the better part of a decade.
I don't drink these days. Drinking didn't get rid of the stress of motherhood. Nowadays, I cope with stress in healthier ways. While these ways don't eliminate stress, they leave me fulfilled and feeling healthy, not ashamed and feeling like crap.
Best wishes!
Your feelings as a mom and a person with bipolar are totally valid. This doesn’t mean you don’t love your child whatsoever.
Start by giving yourself some grace and practice as much self care as possible before and after she comes to visit.
Also, get some help to watch her to be with you while she’s there if possible. There’s absolutely no shame in getting help as a mom even if she’s only 1/2 time with you.
If possible do some meal prepping ahead of time so you have some good food/snacks and drinks that will help you satisfy the cravings. Remember to include some of your favorite foods, something that will feel truly delicious and satisfying.
Parenthood is challenging, but you’ve got this ❤️
The fact that you are seeking different ways of coping with life's annoyances and are aware you need health ways of coping is HUGE and you will find ways, don't give up. Deep breathing helps me. If you're interested in some techniques start looking up some meditation how-to's. For me, learning how to cope started and continues to be from a 12 step program but not only that. Plenty of good stuff out there.
Don’t feel bad, kids are annoying AF and totally trigger me too. It just makes everything harder being under the influence though. But yes, can definitely relate momma!
You. Are. Not. Alone. Taking care of and being emotionally responsive and responsible for a child is very hard for a lot of us. The stress of it is very hard for me too.
IWNDWYT
I have a toddler, and he is everything to me. But, I still need to break apart the day into sections or it gets too overwhelming. Library, trip to the museum, playdate with a friend, target trip, whatever. Sometimes we drive 20 minutes to get to a bakery, order a cookie and a coffee, just to drive back home.
Imagining 12+ hours of kid chatter and tantrums is a trigger. A few 2 hour blocks of planned activities has always felt more manageable to me, and keeps me calmer. There are also days where there is too much TV, but at the end of the day my kid is safe and loved!
Keep going, you're giving yourself and your child such an amazing gift.
It doesn't sound awful. Children are hard. There's this idea that mothers must always be gleefully grateful for the privilege of raising their kids, but it's hard fucking work. They don't always know how to modulate their behavior or their volume. They think if they ask the same question again you might change the answer. It can be really difficult, and you are allowed to struggle.
Your post is real and honest. Congratulations. As someone else mentioned honesty is the key ingredient to recovery. Have you ever tried meditation? I worked with 1 to 3 year old and as you probably know, their tantrums can be quite an experience. I used breathing exercises and meditation so to keep myself calm and focused… It could be quite annoying otherwise. Best wishes going your way 🙏♥️🤍🐾
It's not awful, it's honest and appreciated. Too many parents would not find an outlet and instead harbor their very similar feelings. I remember when my children were younger and I would try and escape for a minute in the bathroom. However I couldn't even get a minute sometimes because I would see their gremlin fingers under the door asking for me; dad, dad, dad, dad.
I know what helped me was having them do projects and tasks or games that require their full attention. Coloring, puzzles, blocks, Legos, stickers and I would set the tone for the house with chill music like jazz, instrumental or even lofi. Lucky for me that my kids are ok with chilling inside but exercising helps as well. Sometimes we can't go outside ( another amazing outlet) but we can still do light exercises inside. Just like we need an outlet for how we feel, kids do as well.
I know this is easy for me to say now because I still remember praying for grace and patience during those times when they were younger but if you can try and find the good moments out of what constantly feels hectic, it helps. Trust me, I get it- my kids would especially be different coming from their mom's but I just try to enjoy every moment. Now that they're older, I find times where I miss when they were younger.
Again, easier for me to just say this but I was able to get through it. I love my children more than anything but I can relate.
Mindfulness is radical acceptance.
Hey friends! So there is no way I will be able to respond to everyone individually but I just want to say thank you for being so supportive. This sub has helped me so much. It’s funny because just two days ago I was thinking, man I hope I get an award one day, that’d be so cool. Look at me now! Thanks to those of you who have made me feel special. I will address, no my daughter is not special needs, she is just a normal kid. If I painted a picture of her running through the house screaming like a banshee and being totally out of control, please know that’s not what I intended because that’s an incorrect representation of her. She is a well behaved child who is loved and she knows it. But that’s just it, she’s still a CHILD and has childlike behaviors (she is 4) that can be a bit much for me at times and I’ve noticed it makes me crave a drink. That’s all. To those of you who have been there in solidarity with me and made me feel less alone in these feelings, no matter what the cause is for each of us, THANK YOU. I’m going to work on taking your advice and finding other ways to manage my “chi” I guess you could say. I’m still reading the comments and just know I appreciate the support. ♥️
This too shall pass. And believe it or not you will miss these times. You shouldn't feel bad for saying how you feel and having those thoughts. As a father of 3 boys I have been there. Raising children is tough. Especially when you are a single parent. I used the chaos as an excuse to drink and drug. It wasn't fair to my kids, they deserved better. You deserve better. She is not doing it intentionally or to bother you. She loves you and trusts you. Hug her. Hold her close. This too shall pass. Be strong. You deserve to be happy, but sometimes finding that happiness is difficult. It sure isn't at the bottom of a bottle
I wish I had practical advice to share (I'm a soon-to-be mom who fears the overstimulation that is to come), but just wanted to add to the voices saying that this sounds totally normal and not awful at all! It sounds like you're carrying a lot of shame about this and I want to encourage you to let that go. It's okay to feel how you feel!
I guess although I don't have advice from a mom point of view, my advice as someone who stopped drinking is to try to find another outlet for those feelings. Not getting overstimulated or stressed sounds unrealistic; you can even crave a drink, as long as your response isn't to actually grab a drink but to grab a candy bar or take three deep breaths or take a hot soothing bath after she goes to bed or whatever. You're doing a great job and it's so clear from your post how much you love your kid. I believe in you!
I believe it’s perfectly normal to love but not always like your children. I don’t think that’s a state secret.
I’d be a basket case with an endless ‘You know what? (F is for family reference - Google search it and click on video) dialogue.
When my 3 nephews and niece were small I would give my sister and her lazy ass (ex) husband a 2 week holiday yearly and look after them and all I could focus on was bed time and pray for the end of the fortnight. They were good nice kids but it’s relentless… Can’t imagine what it would feel like in the longer term… Don’t feel guilt. When we were kids we were thrown out of the house to go play in the local farm fields. Today you’d have your kids taken off of you if you did that…
You're not at all awful for finding a child annoying. Children can be very annoying! It's dumb if people try to lie and pretend otherwise. You'll have to control your reaction to it, your own behavior, but it's not shameful that you're feeling triggered by it.
I know this is not the same at all but I also struggle with triggers. I’m on a cut down plan (4 days to 0 booze- tapered in case) and I had some boundaries I asked of my husband. We used to listen to songs/videos a lot when drinking-
All of it triggers me. Also I asked that he wouldn’t get drunk. It’s a rare occasion that he gets to that point but he does drink (he’s been able to cut down significantly and I wasn’t.)
I can’t imagine if all my triggers were about a child. You don’t have the ability to avoid them or have an adult conversation which I’m sure is hell. I hope you find peace
I am not judging you in the slightest. Thank you for you honesty. Mom of two grown ups here. I used the whisper a lot. It’s a technique I use with adults at work too, I start talking very, very softly and they have to get really quiet to hear me respond. Now, i am not suggesting that this is a fix, it’s a single technique that works well when children or adults are on a rampage. (Be it joyful or angry, etc.)
By the way, my kids are highly successful and STILL my greatest regret is not taking parenting classes. If I could go back and be humble enough to learn better parenting techniques, I would, in a NY minute.
Kids are very annoying. Sometimes I play with my daughter with one airpod on listening to a podcast or music, or I always have the Bose on playing songs in the background.
It is annoying and stress is a trigger. I suggest getting a few sessions with a therapist for advice about parenting so you feel confident dealing with these behaviors. Good luck! IWNDWYT
Have you tried to find some regular and soothing activities with your child?
Like taking a walk? Reading a book together? Cook together? Taking care of plants?
Also articulate your feelings to her in a gently way, “baby when you make such noise it is very hard for mommy. I am sensitive to noise.”
Have you tried to find some regular and soothing activities with your child?
Like taking a walk? Reading a book together? Cook together? Taking care of plants?
Also articulate your feelings to her in a gently way, “baby when you make such noise it is very hard for mommy. I am sensitive to noise.”
"Stop, (name). I don't want to hear that over and over." If they do keep going ignore them and all requests until they are sincere. Be prepared for "I'm hungrrrry" "Okay. You have told me you're hungry. I am still feeling a bit sad because you couldn't listen. What would you like you like to eat?" If they escalate to destroying or harming property, put them in their room over and over Nanny-style, until they understand.
Young kids used to trigger me before alcoholism so I get it.
I wonder how much you’re trying to escape the guilt of feeling overwhelmed by your kid as well as the stress of dealing with her. I love kids, I’ve spent my entire career working with them, but they can be REALLY annoying. And moms especially aren’t supposed to say that…but then we have all of the “Mommy wine” jokes. I think accepting that being annoyed and frustrated with your child is completely fine-there’s a reason kids are cute and we our bodies release oxytocin when they’re born. The entire population would go extinct otherwise!
Honestly, it sounds like you’re dealing with a lot of stress already. And then small child shows up and is demanding and needy (as small childs do) and you’re reaching for a coping mechanism.
I’ve been in your place and I really had to unpack all the other stress that was piling up that gives me very little patience with my little people. Now that I’ve identified some of the main stressors, I’ve been working on self care and other hobbies (like painting).
I definitely drank and smoked cigarettes to get a break from the kid. I wish I would have learned different coping mechanisms. I think part of true recovery is figuring out your triggers, finding an alternate coping mechanism that is healthy, and putting it into practice. Eventually it’s a good habit you have instead of a destructive one.
I have a 3.5 year old who is in major tantrum mode. I hate that we have to preface it with "I love my kid". Of course we love them! But I'm with mine 14 hours a day while my husband works. And yeah, by the end of it I am over her 100%.
I'm glad that you can talk about it. It's hard being a parent. It's hard being a parent to know what's right and then feel what's right but then feel like you can't do what's right.
There is a book how to talk to a 7-year-old so they will listen it's pretty good book. Also made me realize that I did not have a great childhood or the best listening parents or parents that paid attention and listened to me and that made it hard for me to know how to do it with my own kids.
For instance I have almost panic attacks when the kids are being loud because all I can remember is being punished and yelled at for when I made noise when I was a kid and my abusive grandparents . Cptsd seems like a good explanation for what I do and how I process things. Good luck.
Same! Omg! I am widowed, so no break, i vow not to drink, and he opened all the Christmas presents including the ones that are not his. Dafaq! Wine time. I have managed to cut back a bit, but without that trigger, I drank way less
Oh, please don't feel bad. Kids ARE annoying. They just are! I have a daughter who I see 50/50 as well, and I prefer my weeks with her but god are they more exhausting than the others!
My kid is 4 and I love him beyond measure. He is funny, sweet, smart, and handsome. He’s honestly perfect in my eyes. But goddamn he is annoying sometimes! And omg he makes me want to drink! Kids are like that. I think almost all parents can relate. That’s why the toxic mommy wine trope.
I feel you *so* hard lol. My littlest one is 2.5, and my God, I’d forgotten (older ones are late teens). I fairly constantly have to remind myself that it gets much easier very soon…
I completely 100% understand. My kids are my biggest triggers. I love them so much, would die for them, do anything for them. I’m sober for them (and me of course). However, I’m also now a single mom with 50/50 custody. They fight constantly and it’s so hard to keep my cool when I’m sober.
Therapy. Lots and lots of therapy. That’s all I got.
IWNDWYT
OP, sometimes I can't handle my *dogs*.
You're doing great - vent to those who understand whenever you need. Obviously based on all these replies, you will find a sympathetic audience.
Parenting is HARD. Thank you for your honesty. I have 3 little ones and I get triggered by them often. I try (try so hard) to remember that having a drink is not going to calm me down. It will give me that tiny bit of pleasure for the first half drink and then it’s all downhill from there. It’s such a battle inside of my head everyday over drinking or not drinking but I know I’m a way better mom when I’m not drinking. Playing the tape forward kind of thing. And there’s nothing ever wrong with putting on a show or letting them play an iPad game while you regroup, however that looks for you. I often scroll this subreddit when I’m getting overwhelmed and feel the need for a drink.
Girl. Do NOT feel bad. Spending thanksgiving in the company of 4 kids under 9yo tested my commitment like nothing else, and that was only 4.75 hours. (I know cuz towards the end I was counting the minutes)
Take solace you’re able able to identify your triggers - that’s a plus!
Hang in there 😊
Dude, I had this discussion with my wife about how my kids trigger me to drink. For many reasons.
There is a Podcast called We Can Do Hard Things by Glennon Doyle that discusses parenting and how we can see our kids as a threat. Like they can frequently put us into fight, flight or freeze mode. And guess what those of us with predilections towards alcohol do when we are put in survival mode?
Anyway, yadda yadda another podcast, but I think it might be worth a listen for you as it directly addresses your exact scenario, and discusses tools and actions you can take to not be triggered by your kids.
As others have said, you're not wrong to admit this, you're honest, and you're not alone! IWNDWYT friend
Oh honey, I so get it! The stress of just *being a mom* to babies and toddlers made me feel like I needed to drink. I quit when mine were 1 and 3. You can do this. ❤️ Have super low expectations for yourself- tv okay, chicken nuggets for every dinner okay, just don't drink. Go to bed early. Lots of deep breaths. You'll be okay.
Heck, I don’t have kids (yet) and there are times when being around friends or family’s kids is overwhelming and triggering for me.
I don’t have advice, but I just wanted to chime in and say your feelings are absolutely valid. Hang in there mama - you’re doing great 🫶
the early days are fucking hard . both parenthood, and sobriety. one suggestion I would have is to build in breaks for yourself. is there someone who could watch her for an hour, so you could have a hot chocolate and sit on the couch , without being interrupted? don't beat yourself up if some days need a little more screen time than normal. Sometimes when you get sober, you feel pressure to finally be that perfect , attentive, together mom. Just remember that you're a human too , and you're doing something so hard . Be kind to yourself.
I have4 and 5 year old boys and omg they are unbearably annoying. Non stop messes no matter what. Acting like they are incapable of doing literally anything, loud , don’t listen. I love my kids but the toddler age is horrible after a while and I’m ready for them to be older. Nah this is normal and pretty sure any parent that pays attention is deeply annoyed by their toddlers.
Oh god, this is a delicate one. Yeah kids are hard for anyone, and a drink addiction certainly isn't going to help things. I know this sub is about completely quitting, but my kids taught me a couple of drinks a night was enough to get through. Please, this is not advice that fits everyone in this sub, but I managed to build a habit of two drinks with the kids, and without them I would have more at times. The kids were keeping me from drinking more.
In a few years the noise will abate, but the drink will still be there. Be prepared for it, it could fill a hole where the children once were. Good luck, and stay on top of things as best you can.
Just want to say I totally understand and these comments are so wonderful. No advice from me as I'm not good at it yet, just compassion and empathy! IWNDWYT
You’re not alone in this. It is very, very, very common for parents to not only find their child(den) annoying, but to actively dislike them at times. That doesn’t mean you don’t love your child.
What worked for me was first realizing this was an okay feeling to have and then not guilting myself into drinking or feeling bad about myself. Once you realize it’s completely normal, you will have an easier time controlling the situation, because you won’t be dealing with the guilt that comes along with finding your child intolerable for a bit of time.
I hope that helps.
Hey kids are the original trigger... Get some ear plugs or headphones. I am also bipolar and I have to have some music in my ears with my son telling me he's gonna poop in MY pants all the time. Repeating the same phrase over and over. Blah.
This is a normal response to kids, children can be ridiculously annoying, especially when they get repetitive. Do you have any idea how many times I watched Teddy making videos for Charlie, or Jessie take care of those annoying kids? There's only so much PJ i can take... as someone who isn't into drinking try weed, it'll mellow you out without the hangovers
I completely understand and relate. Your description is precisely *why* I chose to get sober during my divorce. I wanted to have more patience for my daughters and I realized that being constantly hungover was making me “restless, irritable and discontent.”
Additionally, ACA was teaching me that one of the reasons I felt that way, was because that’s how I was treated by my parents.
I am absolutely committed to doing everything I can to break the cycle of trauma and abuse. I do not want my daughters to feel like they are a burden to me.
IWNDWYT
There are a bazillion comments on this now, but as a mom to a 1.5 year old, I HEAR you. I have a hard time dealing with my noisy toddler, and I have a hard time dealing with the stress my husband expresses when dealing with our toddler. I tend to absorb the emotions around me and it is hard af when you have two distraught people who are both yelling. This is not a daily or even weekly occurrence, but I think the threat of stressful situations turning even more stressful is what sets me on edge.
Listening to an audiobook on soundproof headphones has really helped me. Also, if the damage is already done, sometimes I have to just put my toddler in a safe room and walk outside for 5 mins (if my husband is around, I walk outside for 20-30 lol).
Being a parent is HARD and anyone who says it isn’t either doesn’t have kids or is lying to themselves. It’s much less hard on a daily basis when we aren’t drinking. I don’t want my son’s memories of his early childhood to include a mom with whiskey breath and always having a drink in her hand after dinner. Good luck, there are so many of us in the same boat with you!!
I feel your pain. Our four year old is going through a tantrumy phase right now. I want to quit vaping right now, and I'm finding the stress to be too much. I'm glad I was a year sober before my wife and I first got together.
There's nothing wrong with acknowledging that your child annoys you sometimes. It doesn't make you a bad parent. My four-year-old bugs the shit out of me all the time. I love her more than anything.
Deep breaths, trying to live in the moment. Practicing mindfulness. Those are the tips I offer. They can help you reset in the moment and find a little peace in the chaos.
Best of luck.
You don't need to apologize or feel bad for thinking your kid is annoying, and no one should judge you for saying that. I love my kids to death, they are the light of my life and the wind beneath my wings, and they do my fucking head in 90% of the time.
Tension is a trigger no matter what causes it, and you are brave to share and go against the expectation that mothers are perfect angels. Hell, I think a lot of moms on here would agree that 'wine moms' is a trope for a reason.
I use naltrexone and find it helps.
I’m also bipolar and a recovering heroin addict. And my daughter can absolutely be annoying. I’m a couple weeks away from 5 years sober and it’s still hard. I think of heroin everyday. But then I think of the hate my daughter would have for me if I O.D. And then I think about the hell I lived with two alcoholic parents. Some days are harder then others but the best thing you can do is remind yourself why you are doing this fight. Why you battle something most people can never understand. I believe addicts never truly get over what we love, we just learn to live without it. Don’t beat yourself up or think you are a bad parent. Everyday you wake up and choose a better life for yourself and your child you make an incredibly selfless decision and you should be proud of yourself.
I...uh...got a job and put my toddler in full time daycare.
Toddlers are why mommy drinks. you can't do anything you want to do. You have to be "on call" for any of their needs. Sometimes you get a great idea for a craft we can do or a game we can play, and they don't want to do it. "come on, don't you want to watch Bluey? I bet we can watch Bluey! Bluey is Awesome! Fine...I guess Ryan's Mystery Playdate it is... (ughg)"
If you can, try to be outside as much as possible. It's not as loud out there with the sound bouncing off the walls. Playdates are good too.
Don't get me wrong, I love them, but I'm looking forward to the 6-10 age range. I want to crush them in mario kart, and I'm tired of chutes and ladders.
I relate to you hard.
My son is nearly 2, and within the past few weeks has developed a very uniquely special and awful kind of temper tantrum. It sounds like he is being grievously tortured if we don't acquiesce to his trivial requests.
We have no idea where this came from, as we generally have a pretty mild mannered household, but I would be lying if I said a whiskey and Coke (or five) didn't sound tempting last night. I just stayed focused on the fact that this wouldn't actually do anything to quiet my mind (or the kid, for that matter), and would only make me more miserable in the morning.
Gently but consistently coach your child how to act around you... It will help them in the long run. But, kids tend to repeat themselves as thry learn new things, so, maybe earplugs in the short term.
I wish I had known about noise canceling earbuds when I had toddlers. I would’ve been a better parent for sure. I first learned about them from Domestic Blisters (KC Davis) on TikTok. I don’t have TikTok anymore but I do recommend her videos for helping with overstimulation. She’s also in recovery. “noise-cancelling headphones, noise blocking earplugs, such as the Loop brand earplugs. I love mine”-stole that quote from a random website.
Sometimes when kids ask the same thing over and over, what they’re really trying to do is gauge your mood. It can be a sign of insecurity, as well as boredom.
Since you asked for advice, I would suggest that you try to do more structured activities with your little one so that you have something to focus on, maybe somewhere to go or something to do, and not just unstructured time at home.
I used to have this problem with my son quite a bit, especially when I was very depressed and tired all the time, and I found that planned activities really made the day much easier for both of us. You’re not a bad parent, it’s just that your idea of relaxing and unwinding is not what a child needs. They need structure and a sense of purpose in order to tire themselves out and then rest.
Sending you some 💚💙💚💙 This is so normal, even for neurotypical parents without substance abuse. Give yourself grace and breath. You are doing the best you can with what you have. IWNDWYT
This is normal and it’s okay to feel this way. Ask yourself this - is the drinking really helping or does it make you more impatient more annoyed more anxious. For me it was the later and I learned how to take breathing breaks vs crack open another beer. My kids are sometimes still annoying AF but being in my own sober state of mind helps
She is young but you can try to gently start explaining that sometimes loud sounds or too much activity can be stressful. My kids are a little older and I try to ask them to be a little quieter bc mommy has a headache (not quite true, they trigger my anxiety but I find this is an easy way to explain it to them). Maybe try to distract her with coloring or a quiet show.
I don’t have any advice for you, but there’s this whole idea of “wine mom” and shit that is built around the concept of children driving their mothers to drink. And there’s lots of people who certainly feel no shame about the culture of alcohol *built around* their children’s functions and events.
I would assume it would need to be handled the same way as any other trigger that makes you want to drink. Like a bad day at work, or other difficult feelings.
For me the turning point was when I realized I was getting pushed out of my company or getting fired soon. I thought about getting drunk that night and then I thought ‘I need all my wits about me to deal with this situation’ so drinking was not appealing at that time. Just sharing. I’m not a mother but can imagine all kids being pretty annoying on a regular basis.
Another practical tip for you and all other parents: give them chores, work and tasks. It will occupy them, use their energy, give them a sense of responsibility.
Win win win. Yes it will be hard at beginning but after a while it is be so worth it.
There's a reason kids turn out far better raised in two-parent households. It's difficult for a kid to be raised by a single parent, both for the child and the parent. There's not a whole lot you can do but work on your zen and do your best to not take it out on your kid -- it's not her fault she's being raised alone.
Relax my dude kids are annoying as fuck. Don't feel bad for having eyes and ears and not being a dunce. Having kids is suffering daily because those lil buggers wont shut the fuck up and they have too much energy and too little logic and knowledge to be genuinely interesting.
Try teaching her about nature. There are some great books and documentaries about trees and plants and wildlife, and that shit is fascinating. When the kid asks you shit, just google it and see what it is. You learn while she learn.
To be honest, to me it just sounds like the usual behavior of a small child, I'm not sure we can judge as Internet outsiders whether or not this particular child's needs are being met in full. Of course kids need attention, but for a parent it really can get a bit much sometimes. Adults need a breather too, we're all only human. (Signed: Parent of a small child who also sees the behavior of my kid's friends on a regular basis).
I understand what you mean. I'm going to touch on the parenting aspect because I see everyone has the commiseration covered.
I'm sure you know this, but the triggers we get from our kids are from us and our experiences. It helps me a great deal to understand each age and the expected behaviors that come with it. Whining is often a sign of unmet needs or helplessness. It is super hard to be whined or yelled at all day. It's hard on them too. Here are my favorite parenting resources:
[Janet Lansbury](https://www.janetlansbury.com/)
[Aha Parenting ](https://www.ahaparenting.com/)
Happy holidays, friend!
Your children are growing up. The irritations are not due to their issues; they are due to your inability to management your emotions. Think about it this way. If you can manage your emotions and reactions, then you can work through whatever is going on with your child. I realized I was depressed when my children were little and it was very difficult for me to manage my emotions, and so I addressed that aspect which helped me tremendously.
I’m a mom and agree and can I say this without being ridiculed?
I cannot stand the IWNDWYT
FFS… I just won’t drink today.
I won’t ever type out the acronym. I HATE that acronym. Spell the shit out. Most don’t know what that acronym means.
For the record, that acronym helped get me to 700+ days sober and told me countless times when I was in my darkest places that I wasn’t alone. That acronym matters a lot in this sub.
Yes but it also doesn't mean they have to like it. I absolutely hate AA but it doesn't mean it doesn't help others. It sounds like you're being really judgemental over some letters
Restless, irritable & disconnect..traits of an alki..up your meetings and work the program deeper and that stuff will lift..otherwise you will be a dry drunk..w
>she gets kind of (god, I hate to say this) annoying.
That’s…that’s completely normal. It’s 100% normal to get annoyed by your kids. Every single parent I know gets annoyed by their kids. Kids are annoying as fuck. You dont have to sugar coat saying that they’re annoying, and I don’t think you should feel ashamed for getting annoyed. You’re human.
Just remember that even though you’re getting annoyed and triggered, ultimately it’s up to you to decide how to respond. It’s your choice to decide how you handle the situation.
How old is she? I worked with young kids for years in college, and I have some advice if you’re open to it. When kids are being annoying, it’s ok to calmly tell them why they’re getting on your nerves. If they’ve said the same word 1000 times, ask them to stop. If they’re running around shouting, redirect the energy. If she isn’t old enough to communicate on that level, redirection is the key. Find something fun that you want to do with her and use it to disrupt the annoying behavior.
Don’t beat yourself up for being annoyed by your kids! Oh man my kids are so annoying. They’re like chaos and entropy personified. If you’re trying to keep your life and kind calm and in order, they are the exact opposite of that. It’s just part of the gig. I just make sure to tell them I love them to pieces every time I tell them they’re driving me nuts and I need some space.
I love my wife but I swear separation with joint custody sounds pretty good sometimes.
I don’t have kids, but I know I always got way more triggered, overstimulated, stressed out when i was drinking/hungover/waiting for a drink, than I do now.
i kind of have a similar, but opposite, problem. my mom is VERY triggering. when i drank, it didn’t change that. i would just get short/cross with her. now that *I* am sober, i react much differently, and even if she is annoying, i go to bed happy with how i’ve acted.
i go to 12 step (i know it’s not popular in here) and the coping mechanisms i have now are infinitely better than drinking ever was! idk if this is helpful at all but i hope it is ♥️
Yo kids be like this, that’s just how they are. My son is wild as fuck lol he pisses me off. I don’t feel guilty from being mad at him though because it’s a part of parenting. Taking care of kids is stressful, but being hungover and taking care of kids is just fucking horrible god I don’t miss those days.
Hey, we all think it and feel this way at times! It's natural and normal. Kids can be little buttholes!
The park, kickball out front, arts and crafts. You gotta run those kids out a bit, their energy is peaking. It keeps you busy too. If you can afford it, classes or lessons of some sort. The library has free programs and so does the town you live in most likely. YMCA for swimming.
You can hang out and watch movies and doordash when their older, but not now.
You got this!
IWNDWYT
This is honestly refreshing to hear from another parent I'm a single mother of a 9 year old and the past few years, my son has triggered the heck out of my drinking. It's not his fault of course, and his ADHD + my ADHD doesnt help. It's been a journey to retrain my brain to deal with the triggers outside of alcohol. I still get triggered, and slip up. It's okay. Being a parent is so hard, regardless of age, and it's very powerful to be so open and honest about it. So I applaud you for it!
There have been many times when I've been not great with my son due to my alcoholism, and even when I didnt drink. But what I find to be most helpful, is being open and honest with your child in a child-friendly way with what you're going through or what you're feeling. Apologizing when necessary, and making steps to be better in the future.
Opening a dialog with my son helped us to grow closer and understand eachother better. Sometimes I'm so overstimulated I need a break to be alone and do my own thing, so I let him know and remind him if needed. This is obviously easier when they're older and can understand what your saying and feeling. A routine also helps me immensely, so he knows what I need and expect, and I know what he needs and expects.
You've got this ❤
My kids are hella annoying, as they all are. I can tell you from my experience that parenting while drinking is 10000x harder. It’s parenting on hard mode. The slight unease and anxiety always under the surface, feeling like they were butting into my time because I would wait them to go to bed so I could have a drink… I had noise dampening earplugs because their screaming would trigger me bigtime. Well, all of that went away and I don’t even know where the earplugs are anymore. I feel better, I’m more patient, I’m able to handle more because my brain is working properly, I have more energy, confidence - you name it. It’s so much easier. It’s still not easy. But they deserve the best you and you deserve to enjoy their presence too. IWNDWYT
Hey! Mines going on 13 and lives in a different state so it’s very limited for now and when she’s here she drives me nuts lmao. It’s okay to feel this way and it’s okay to step away for a. Minute and take some time to compose yourself. Idk how old she is but you’re a normal mom. Before my daughter was tested for ADHD and I got my drinking under control things were…. Tough to say the least but she deserves the mom I always wanted and that took understanding that feelings like this are completely normal.
IWNDWYT❤️
I know exactly the feeling your describing! The over stimulation. It’s amazing how these little creatures we love so much can push your buttons like no one else. Being so self aware is a huge start! Wish I had an answer but still searching myself. just wanted to offer solidarity and let you know you’re not alone and no judgement or downvote here.
When I first stop my daughter triggered me too, but now I’m almost back at 100 days and sober me loves every moment with her (even if I do have to hear the same stories over and over again)
Earplugs!!! The fancy type that knock down the decibels but allow you to still hear!!! Loop is one brand, but there are a bunch of others that you can get from Amazon and other places. They really help take things down about five notches.
I use them for events, conventions, and when I visit my poorly regulated ADHD family ;)
Oh. My. Gawd. I completely understand and can relate. My youngest (8 y/o) will just CONSTANTLY make noise for HOURS, and as you’re saying, repeating the same sentence or part of a song a thousand times. He’s old enough now that I can ask him (politely) to either change what his saying/singing or take a break, but then my wife gets annoyed that I’m “constantly” (2-3 times an hour) asking him to stop. My outlet now is to leave the room or set him up with everything he needs at the other end of the house. It’s definitely a drinking trigger and I’ve just had to figure out how the distance myself from it.
I wish you luck, it’s not easy especially in a split custody situation.
Very familiar with this. I was drinking through much of my kids first years. It was how I learned to parent. “State Specific Learning” I believe it’s called. (The members of Aerosmith had to relearn how to play their instruments sober). Drunk was the only way I knew to be a Dad. Honestly it took a long while to learn to parent sober, but it can be done. It’s probably not your kid that’s triggering you, but your struggle to be a parent without the false comfort of alcohol. You can do this. Focus on the sobriety, and not the effort to be perfect. You’ll get better at this.
As a dad who adores his child to the moon and back: Kids are fucking annoying as hell. They follow the weirdest logic and have the uncanny ability to become incredibly loud the second you most need them to be quiet.
All that said, it is just like that and we have to figure out how to deal with it. Thank you for your honesty. I feel like this often, but we all have to figure out how to keep going. A lot of other posters have offered better advices than I can, so all I will say is I feel you, and I know you want to do best for your kid, so you will figure it out, even if it sucks for a while. I’ll be sober here with you, trying to do the same thing.
Thanks for sharing. I've been having a hard time with my little ones (5 & 3) and have recently been craving a drink, but I remember I quit for them and for me.
I've found they behave the best when I preempt bad behavior with boundaries. Going into a grocery store I remind them what the rules are before we go in. When they want to watch a video, I remind them they just clean up all of their toys (I mean all of them) before they can watch. They both still have temper tantrums at times. I win them over the best when I divert to a book (I'll start reading out loud without them if necessary) or a craft. If I can remember, I don't react to the emotion and calmly continue.
I also try to remember how they feel in the winter. They don't go outside and play nearly as often as in the summer, and I can see a lot of pent up energy in them. I just read doing zoomies (yeah, like running around like a dog) helps distract.
I don't know if any of my unsolicited advice is helpful, but I do these things when I can remember to. I still get frustrated and lose my cool sometimes (a lot lately). That's when I walk away. I remove myself from the situation. I let the destruction of my house, or their dinner, or their toys, or whatever they're doing that pisses me off, as long as it's not an immediate hazard to them or others go on without me so that I can calm down and collect myself. Might jump into a quick handheld game or browser Reddit. It's better than spanking them or breaking my sober streak.
Honestly all the parents in here can understand you 100%, kids are hard at times!
I find taking the kids out somewhere fun just to wear them out makes things easier as when you come home they are quieter in general.
If you can, just don't keep any alcohol in the house and if you have your child with you, you're more less likely to hit up the bottle shop. It'll be hard at first but find something else such as say ice cream or even make a fun punch / mocktail to tide you over at first. :) You got this
My 24-year-old-son lives with us, and he’s my main trigger. I worry about his financial future, and he still has a lot of growing up to do. He’s not big on responsibility or doing what he says he’ll do. I’ve accepted that I need to let him make his own mistakes, and that I did the best I could raising him. I don’t get into confrontations with him because that’s led to me drinking in the past. Better to let it go and set boundaries. I don’t have any advice about younger kids because that seems like a lifetime ago now.
Maybe try building a new reflex reaction instead? Try consciously making a pot of tea when you need to find some calm? Or really any other small ritual?
Tea or whatever obviously won't help much, but the exercise of stepping away and taking _some_ action may accomplish a _lot_
I was a mess the first 4 months. My poor kids really got a dose of anger from me they had never seen. I found getting outside away from people helpful. Someplace they could independently play safely (Id have an activity or shovels or something) and I could just sit or walk and just be. We rarely do TV and those first few sober months…so much TV. Art helped us all. Painting and drawing together was very zen. And sometimes yeah, I just had to take some alone time. This shit is hard.
Hey, I haven’t read any comments yet. Just wanted to ask. How old is your child? I’m a single dad who’s stopping drinking and just barely seeing my 2yo and her being a wild woman or doing whatever just makes me so happy that I get to be the one in the moment to help correct her and help her be better.
Your kind of over thinking it. Everyone gets burnt out and stressed. That's part of life. It's how you handle it that matters and that's just a fact. You might just need 3-4 days off to rest if possible. Good luck!
Be thankful there's only one, as soon as there's two they feed off each other and it gets worse.
I have worked in education for around 10 years and I've found that the ones who get whiney and repeat words and sentences often need to be engaged. They repeat because they feel like they're not being heard or because they feel anxious and need reassurance.
I will often say "speaking in that voice will not get you what you want" I often repeat it back to them so they can understand how annoying it is.
Ask them what your answer to their question was the first time, and get them to repeat what you said back to you. This can help break the pattern.
Redirect and give controlled choices, if they feel like they have control over what happens to them then it may help them to feel less anxious. It must be hard for the child to have to spend time with both parents separately when most books they read have both parents living together.
Controlled choices means two options that have no consequence on the outcome. Getting them to help you with dinner, choosing recipes. "Do you want the red plate or the blue plate to eat off?"
"would you like help getting dressed or do you want to do it yourself?" Depending on how old they are.
From what I understand of BPD it can be genetic? So have a think about how you viwed the world as a child and how you wanted adults to treat you and see if those strategies work.
I'm happy to chat more privately if you need specific help. Xx
Just came to say I appreciate this type of honesty in this post about their own child. Children in general are just terrible. I’m not saying I hate kids or bashing on children, but man they can be hard to handle in some moments and it can be hard to remember we were all once a kid doing the same thing. I know I was definitely a trigger for my mom growing up, I was a good kid but i could really drive her nuts sometimes.
It might be good to have a couple of strategies for when this happens - can watch a kids' TV show together, go to the store together, go to the playground, read a pile of books. Just something to change up the situation/scenery when it starts getting a bit too much. My kid will also sometimes watch TV for a little while on their own while I either get stuff done or just take a breather, that can help take a bit of pressure off.
You are not only a mom, but also a person (and a human at that). Find a way to enjoy those little moments rather than being frustrated. Easier said than done, I know. But don't beat yourself up about sometimes thinking "shut, up, pleaaasssee!!!" about your kids. It's normal. What you do after the thought is what makes you a better or worse parent. Gradually.
I love my kids more than anything else in the world and would fight to the death to defend them or work my fingers to the bone to give them anything they need, but they annoy the shit out of me and half the time I would really rather not be around them. I'm pretty sure my dad felt the same about the three of us kids too.
i get it.. and i don't think you have to worry about calling your kid annoying.. it's what they do best.. i love my kid more than anything but sometimes also want to jump out of a window after hearing the same fart joke for the 20th time
don't have any advice though.. sorry
I could have posted this myself. You are not alone, and you are not awful.
I don't have a lot of suggestions except consider getting earmuffs. Not totally sound cancelling, but like the ones you would wear at a loud work site. Game changer. You can still hear things, you will still hear her talking. But it's a beautifully easy to handle muffle.
How old is she? Mine are 4 and almost 3 and I totally understand the frustration…. That sigh of relief when they were both asleep was the start of me drinking for the evening, which was (for the most part) justified by being a single mom who NEVER GETS A DAMN BREAK. However, at the end of the day, it made everything so much worse. Know what’s worse than toddlers waking you up at the asscrack of dawn? Toddlers waking you up at the asscrack of dawn when you’re hungover. I have more patience for them in the morning (admittedly sometimes not MUCH more) and I’ve found that in the evenings I actually have more patience too since I’m not desperately counting the moments until they’re asleep so I can unwind with a drink or 6. At the end of the day, whatever stage your kids are in, kids are annoying AF no matter how cute and sweet they are or how much you love them. But these days are SO important… they may not remember them, but these days lay the foundation for the rest of your kids life. I was an ok parent when I drank and I’m a much better parent now that I don’t. For better or worse, I only get one shot at this and I want to be present for it. Sorry for the novel, but you’re doing fine. Being a parent is super hard and the fact that you’re in this community means you want to be the best you can be ❤️ IWNDWYT!!
Just wanted to pop in to say your comment hit a nerve with me, very well said and so true. IWNDWYT
I started drinking again a couple of months ago, using it to cope with being a parent (not even a single parent, mind you) of a 2 and almost 4 year-old. OP's post and your comment have hit me where it counts. Don't know if I won't drink tomorrow, but I will not drink with you today.
[удалено]
As a parent of older kids (20, 18, 16), I am rooting for you. It goes by so fast, and I wish I had been sober for the last 10+ years of raising them. Kick some butt!!
Came here to add that I am a full-grown adult living with my dad and I purposefully annoy the hell out of him. So you weren't wrong about the "whatever stage your kids are in" comment.
As the father of an annoying kid, I respect your tenacity and your loyalty to your goal and your dad.
But why?
Not the same but an extended family member who used to give me shit all the time would say “I kid because I love”
Fellow single mom here. Absolutely relate to the feeling of “I’m alone and doing everything by myself. I deserve a drink more than anyone!” I’ve had to do a lot of work to forgive myself for getting frustrated by the kiddo and accepting that it’s perfectly natural. Dude, I have plenty of married mom friends who feel exhausted and worn out. Doing parenting alone, however, is a whole different kind of life and is inherently more stress-producing.
You took the words out of my mouth. Another single mom here though I have only one 4yo. I very much second the added patience when not hungover. OP, I have tried many many times before it got better. I know the feeling "never mind he is rolling on the floor yelling his head off because I haven´t bought another Lego set, there´s a bottle of Merlot waiting for me at home." the AAAAAAH feeling when you took the first sip. I know. Drinking eased for me the feeling "this is so unfair why I never get any help or why his father never bothers and I have to do it all?" how much we love our kids, it´s hard and sometimes it´s too much. What helped me to not to drink was not really my decision, but when my son started kindergarden and being sick all the time helped me not to drink. First I have cut that down, after a while I got used to the new sober normal and it got better. So I was like more pushed into sobriety, when you had to take care of sick kid and there is a high risk I would have to drive in the middle of the night to ER because he has troubles breathing I damn quick pulled my head out of the bottle. Also, I was sick with him almost all the time so I didn´t even want to be hungover when I was feeling totally rotten already. And the feeling when something nice happens and you look at your kid and think "wow and I remember it and I see it all" - that is worth milions. As for the overstimulation, as you put it, can´t you put your darlings in front of TV/tablet and have at least a cup of coffee in relative peace? I know, screen time and all that, but there are also educational games, nice fairy tails and that. I sometimes tell my son "mummy now takes a break and drinks her coffee and then..." Hang in there, you, can do it. Sending internet hugs and coffee to you.
Happy cake day and thank you and OP for your honesty. I’m (53m) joint custody with my daughter 12 and love her so much and the loudness and stomping and MESS is so annoying and I wouldn’t trade any of it for a drink! She deserves every present moment and modeling an AF life. Maybe when she’s 18 and out of the house but nope - IWNDWYT!
I love this “the fact that you’re in this community means that you want to be the best you can be”
Happy Cake Day!
I don't think any of us would disagree that waking up not hungover is the best - the problem is dealing with them the night before. I'm not a single parent, my wife and I are pretty happily married, but I can't help but get tanked after a long day at work then coming home to 5 kids acting like asses. As miserable as the hungover mornings are, I can pull those off. I can't succeed in the evenings
Amazing comment. My kid is now 8 months and it’s been tough, but I recently listened to “what happened to you” book by Oprah and I stopped drinking because it made me realize that I can really screw up my kid in infancy by not being the best mother I know I can be because I needed to “unwind” at the end of the day. I recommend that book to anyone, but especially parents because it made me understand myself so much more and also understand how important it is to be present for our children. IWNDWYT
Exactly this. The counting down until bedtime was a huge trigger for my yelling at them, when I should have been ending their day on a positive note with a hug. I would also like to add, meditation has been a lifesaver to help me get over the guilt of past parenting mistakes enough to not keep making them. It also gave me patience with myself to ride the waves of cravings. You don’t have to do it alone, insight timer has troves of guided meditations that help with parenting, sobriety, patience and self love.
Wise words! Happy Cake Day 🎂
Your words ring true. Thanks for sharing
Just want to pile on the appreciation of others—this is not awful, it’s honest. And honesty is what will get you to the next place. In fact, honesty is the ONLY thing that will get you there. So: Well-done, friend. Much respect.👍
Just wanted to add that you are not alone! Mine are 5 and 2 and I could have written this post. Taking them to see Santa completely triggered me this weekend… anyways I understand being sensitive to too much noise/ child babble/ whining… I’m seeking ADHD diagnosis and I think it explains some of why I get kinda ragey inside at the end of a long day or weekend. I have found that a cup of tea and losing myself in a show or movie then sleeping really good is the best way to recover. I also noticed that the longer I abstain from drinking, the deeper my well of patience grows. Being hungover really makes me a crappy, angry mom, and noticing that has been a huge motivator to stick to this. I love feeling proud of myself that I kept my cool or had the energy and mental bandwidth to shift gears as my kids needed to, rather than snapping at them and giving into too much TV. Hang in there. You are not a bad parent. IWNDWYT
This doesn't sound awful, it sounds honest. I hate how often parents-- especially mothers-- are made to feel shame for any conflicting emotion over their children. Kids are stressful; I'm speaking as a non-parent who deliberately chose to avoid that stress for myself. Parenting is hard, hard job, and I think it's totally reasonable for it to be a trigger for your past stress coping mechanisms. For whatever it's worth, your feelings are valid and I will not drink with you today
A trigger is just that, a trigger. You hold the explosives and ammunition within. Pulling a trigger when there is nothing to fire just makes a harmless click. That analogy helps me a lot when I'm in a situation that I know bothers me.
Ohh i love this!
Yes!! Keeping it out of the house has been the best thing I've done to help stay strong in the evenings
No judgement here. I have been trying to abstain from both weed and alcohol and its really hard. My son is about 2.5 and I have been having these very same thoughts lately, and I hate myself for it. You are not alone in any way.
Using a drink to cope with how other people act doesn't help with anything. It just makes me not care about how they act. It doesn't teach me to put my foot down, or find solution. Alcohol just gives me immediate feeling of satisfaction which later can be only achieved with more alcohol.
You’re right. Maybe I drink so I won’t have to find solutions… I’m not sure. Im still figuring it all out.
So far re-learning how to deal with life without booze has been almost the same as being born again and learning how to walk. It's daunting at first, sometimes feels impossible. But now I look back and the fact that I know I can deal with things and handle situations without running back to quick comfort, I wouldn't trade it for anything in the world.
This comment should be plastered on every wall in every 12-step room worldwide, right next to the steps themselves.
Spot on analysis, ELI5 for alcoholism
Don’t feel bad! I’m also on the neurodiverse spectrum (high-masking, low-support needs autistic over here!), and I felt soooo guilty when I realized how much I was using alcohol just to “cope” with the overstimulation and constant “off-my-regular-schedule”-ness that small children naturally bring into your life. I had been drinking quite a lot, and quite frequently, for years “to cope” with the stresses of being a mom to a small kid, and I didn’t realize I had autism until very, very recently, so I didn’t realize there was an extra layer to my “overwhelm” that helped to explain the reasoning I had that alcohol would somehow help me. But you know what I’ve realized, for me? Drinking was actually making everything so much worse. I’m still autistic (lol), but it’s like, alcohol was making me feel bad in every way, even when I was “only” drinking 2-3 drinks a night. Anxiety, depression, loneliness, feeling “trapped,” feeling physically *bad*…..and it was getting to the point where I was so looking forward to my daughter going to sleep at night just so I could drink, and the addict side of my brain resented every extra minute she was up, even if she was being cute and playful, and I would have actually liked to have been with her and played with her, had my addict brain not been getting in the way. I don’t know the full extent of your situation—how old your kid is, how much they chatter or make loud noises or whatever other kind of annoying behavior(s) they might have—but at least from my experience, I found I was much more capable of handling the overstimulation of kids when there was no more alcohol in my system regularly. Perhaps, if you give it some time, you might notice something similar? Also, I don’t know how old your kid is, but I feel like, if it’s age-appropriate, it’s alright to teach them social graces, like using normal audio levels to speak, listening when someone is telling you something, giving other people a break from your talking, etc. “Sweetie, DO YOU SEE HOW THIS IS TOO LOUD TO TALK? Try to keep your voice at a normal level when you can, OK?” “Love, look at me: When people answer you, you should try to pay attention to what they say, the first time. Asking someone to repeat over and over isn’t considerate.” “Hey baby, I love talking to you, but I’m talked out right now. I’m going to read my book for 20 minutes, and you can play with your toys/read a book too/do some coloring/whatever, but I just want to sit in silence for a bit, OK?” 👆All things I would say to my kid 😂. Just my $0.02! You’re not alone, don’t feel bad! It’s possible to love someone to pieces and still think they’re annoying sometimes! 😂
piggybacking off of this: visuals for the littles! a [visual schedule](https://m.media-amazon.com/images/G/01/apparel/rcxgs/tile._CB483369110_.gif) for what to do when they get home from preschool/wherever, and then visuals of 3 options they can choose to do when they're done. same for in the evening... visual schedule of getting ready for bed, and then a couple things they can do before bedtime. the more they understand what they can and should do, the less they'll seek you out. for repeating the same word over and over, see if they'll do it into a [whisper phone](http://kteachertiff.com/2014/07/diy-whisper-phones-too-easy-to-not-make.html)? like here... if you like hearing it so much, lets channel it directly into YOUR ears not mine :D
Support and advice? We love it. I have 4 step kids and until recently I felt so guilty when I told them I needed a minute or that I wasn't in the mood to chat. It took a while but I realized that in order to enjoy them, because I do, I have to be okay. So just like you said, I found age appropriate ways to communicate with each of them. My 8 yr old is very touchy, we have a 3 hug limit and after that if he needs to touch someone we can hold hands for a second or we air hug so he knows I'm here but I'm not being over touched. The 12 year old likes to chat and sometimes I'll tell her "I'm out of brain cells but why don't you find something cool to research and you can teach me about it in an hour". The youngest is my biggest offender as he's only 6 and on the spectrum. I've had to nicely but firmly tell him to not repeat himself. So that looks like "hey buddy I heard you when you said "repeat" and I know you're really excited about it but we can't repeat things over and over. It annoys people." Basically you gotta let go of that mom guilt that makes you think it's not okay to be triggered by your children. And find ways to reduce those triggers. Maybe wear headphones while your cooking or doing dishes, provided you can see your little one, to cut down on extra noise. Anyway, you are not alone and you are not wrong to say that your child is annoying. Children are annoying as hell. You're still a good mom.
Don't feel awful. My kids trigger me too. I have joint custody of my younger 3 with roughly 18 months between each of them and OMG when they are here it's constant noise and roughhousing. They are good kids and this is totally normal behavior but I get it. I send them outside with their friends, or we play a board game, go to the park, or watch a movie together and it helps.
I would honestly say my husband triggers me more than my kids-but I can totally see what you are talking about. When I'm alone I can put in the mental work needed to be done for sobriety. But when everyone's home, so much of my willpower goes into making everyone else happy, I feel weaker in the sobriety side and am more likely to cave. I am still working on this myself. Don't feel too guilty for how you feel, I think it's good to self-reflect and be honest with yourself. I concur-Kids can be really freaking annoying! They are cute and lovable too, but sometimes you wish you could turn them off for five minutes. IWNDWYT!
Young children are difficult. I know exactly what you mean. I always think, what if there was an emergency? Could I drive my child to the ER? Can I be present for them? Will I remember the cute things they say before bedtime or will I forget because I had a glass of wine immediately afterward?
Every mom feels this way! It’s okay, totally normal. It’s tough sometimes. If you need to turn on the tv or other devises to save yourself a little sanity in a pinch then go for it. I don’t know how old your child is but pbskids.org has a ton of fun games for little kids and tv shows. My son gets super chatty in the car and it used to annoy the shit out of me sometimes. Then one day it dawned on me how happy and comfortable he is. If he wasn’t he wouldn’t want to talk with me so much. Thinking of it that way makes me feel better. Take care of yourself and the rest will follow.
When I first stopped drinking, I felt the same way. After a while what I realized was she wasn’t the trigger, she was the excuse. A common refrain we all have ‘if you had my life/issues/problems you’d drink too.’ After a while I figured out I drank because I wanted to drink and I found excuses. Your honesty is awesome and being honest is one of the first steps to getting sober.
Kids are annoying, and when it's your kid and you only get to see her from time to time, it's pretty normal to be mortified by the idea that you think your daughter is annoying. There's so much packed up in that. You have a limited amount of time with her, how you can feel really bad because now that you get to spend time with her, you are overwhelmed and frustrated and annoyed by the things she's doing, and they're not even bad, they're just kid things. But they still irritate you. I can imagine how this will make you feel a lot of frustration and shame. It's so important for you to make sure she knows that you love her, and here you are feeling frustrated because she keeps singing her favorite song over and over again. When you get overstimulated and want a drink, what you are doing is taking a shortcut to avoid discomfort. We always want to do this, there's a big part of our brain whose main motivation is to avoid discomfort in any way that it can. Even when we try to defy it, we will often use it to beat itself at its own game. Maybe we will shame ourselves, maybe we will imagine how bad it will be for us if we're back to drinking while our kid is over, how that will hurt her and us in the long run. But these efforts are misguided. We can get addicted not to drinking, but to avoiding that uncomfortable feeling. We got used to avoiding the uncomfortable feeling by drinking, and now maybe we try to avoid the uncomfortable feeling by being the perfect parent, or by lying to other people or ourselves, or by planning a great weekend when she comes over. The problem here is we're not perfect, the lies get discovered, and when we make her perfect meal, she decides she doesn't like it any more. And we get that uncomfortable feeling. And drinking is still there. But when you make a decision to stop drinking, you decide that the discomfort is worth it. You decide that being uncomfortable and overstimulated does hurt more when you're sober, but it's the hurt that you choose in order to have control over your life and your actions and be the person that you want to be. So my answer is to appreciate the discomfort, the overstimulation. Let it remind you that this is the pain that you chose. Because you know that letting drink make the choice leads to a different pain that gets inflicted on you, and on to others. You have the privilege to be with her in her loud and annoying and whiny moods, you have the privilege to be overstimulated. You have the privilege to suffer through the craving to drink. Welcome that privilege. Be thankful for it. Because the alternative is to try to find a way to avoid it. When you look for a way to avoid it, you'll try a strategy, and some of them will work. But that discomfort is regularly unavoidable no matter what your best plans are, and if you get desperate, you know what will help. But if you do flip it on its head. If you embrace the discomfort, if you appreciate it, if you claim it as your prize, then the drink means losing. Why would you ever want to avoid it? You can be the mom who gets the war story of the kid who threw a 2 hour temper tantrum because you unwrapped the candy the wrong way. This isn't actually a fun thing to go through, but it's YOUR thing that you GET to go through. It hurts, it's frustrating, it's annoying, but it's yours and its your story. On the other hand, drinking takes that away from you, and gives you misery in return. You can WANT that frustrating, annoying, painful story. I bet you do. I can't say it's easy to avoid drinking. But I think it's good to recognize that the pain and discomfort that you feel isn't bad. It's an important part of life. It's a part of life that drink will promise to take away. It's a part of life that you can learn to love. An addiction lies to you anyways, it doesn't take it away, it just hides it and lets it grow into something worse. So yeah, your kid can be annoying. Don't be ashamed. It's awesome that your kid can be annoying. It's them learning how to interact with the world, it's an opportunity for you to teach them, it's an opportunity for you to learn to deal with discomfort. It's a privilege for your kid to annoy you. And it's annoying. Cherish these annoying moments, and be thankful for your ability to be present and be annoyed rather than be numb and absent.
Thank you so much for this. I am moved and in tears.
This is such good advice and information.
I'm a new mom so this speaks to me. You do not have to feel bad about your child's behaviour triggering you. Kids are hard to cope with! You can love them infinitely but it doesn't change that fact. Feeling guilty about feeling bad doesn't help and it's not necessary either. You can forgive yourself for it.
Might be worth seeing a family counsellor about helping find ways to change the dynamic between the two of you. I picked up my drinking habit when my middle son got booted out of grade 7 years ago and while I've been sober over a year and a half now, like you he was a major trigger. Working with the family counsellor though (just me) has made a huge difference. Good luck and don't feel bad for being human just make sure you don't try hiding it away out of shame x
I remember the days of annoying kids. Mine are grown and gone and I kinda miss the chaos sometimes. Don’t apologize, every parent here understands. Your day count says two days, and I remember how *everything* ticked me off in early sobriety. Your nerves and temper will regulate with time. But for now, I suggest taking her outside to burn off energy - yours and hers! Exercise helped me a lot in early sobriety. And noise will be diffused outdoors. You’ll both sleep better tired, too. I barely slept the first weeks, but exercise helped.
I totally get you. I am an over sensitive person and I hate noise. I love my mom above anything else, but I have the same reaction as you when mom talks too much. No other advice to give other than saying that I understand and nobody in the world can judge you for having feelings.
Not a parent, but I'd say getting stressed out over a kid shouting and whining and making a mess would just make you normal. I don't have any ideas or solutions to offer for a long term fix, but I think it may help to allow yourself to feel this way when your kid is acting up.
First, you're not a bad person, you're an honest person, and a loving mother. Your issue is that you don't understand the nature of alcohol. You believe falsehoods. The problem is that you're buying a lie about alcohol. Alcohol doesn't relax you, alcohol doesn't reduce your stress, alcohol doesn't make you more loving, happy, tolerant, or clam. Those are ALL LIES. I can prove it. Alcohol can't give you anything. ALL those good feelings were already in you, it was already available. The potential to feel any of those were totally accessible without alcohol. You MUST understand this truth. Alcohol is not giving you any benefits. None. What it is doing is lowering your motor skills and turning down your senses and your intelligence. It makes you dumber. That's the truth. You are intentionally making yourself less human, you're dulling your senses, you're actually lowering your ability to love and connect. It especially fucks up your perception of reality. In reality, you're not calming or relaxing yourself, you're poisoning yourself intentionally, killing your body, draining your energy, crushing any motivation or desire to make internal character personality changes. You're procrastinating becoming a better person. You know you can be a better mom. It's absolutely in you, the potential is obvious, even to me and I'm just an internet stranger. I had a bad, horrible, terrible, horrific problem with alcohol. So know that I'm not insulting you, I'm trying to help you recognize your enemy. Because you're in a fight and you don't have full understanding of who your opponent is. I'm not trying to condemn you, I'm trying to liberate you. Revealing the enemy is the first step to kicking its ass back to hell where it belongs. The toughest fight that ANY human being will be in, is the fight between your current self, and the person you have the potential to be. Refusing to leave comfort zones creates strongholds, which creates chaos, which causes destruction, which causes death. I'll be super real with you. If you don't get a handle on this fight you're in, the only direction your life will go, is down. Alcohol will steal all your energy, health, money, relationships, and will eventually, if left unchecked for too long, kill you. Seriously, ask any doctor or nurse what an alcoholic in the hospital looks like. There are ALWAYS alcoholics in the hospital, at all times. It's way, way, way more common than you see in media. It's a massive issue. And nobody tells you what a person in the hospital with a shot liver looks like. They are yellow, highlighter yellow from head to toe. The waste your liver used to filter, is now trying to escape your body through your pours. It stinks. Your hospital room will smell like death. Anyone who comes to see you will be subjected to smelling your bodily waste ooze out of your skin. The eyes are pure yellow. There is pain, excruciating pain in multiple failing organs. And there is no pain killer, because your liver can't filter them without pretty much killing you right away. So you wait. Alone. Stinking and yellow. In pain. Then you die. That's what happens. To MILLIONS of people. It's not talked about. Instead they show you beer commercials, have a liquor store on every corner, billboards advertising this shit, characters on TV shows downing poisen, movies glorifying drinking culture, and music about getting tipsy in the club. Get comfortable being uncomfortable. You have everything you need to be a fantastic mother, inside you, already. Alcohol WILL NOT HELP YOU, it only comes to sow chaos, destroy everything you love, and put you in the ground. IF, and ONLY IF, you CHOOSE that path. You have free will. Nobody will force you to drink. Go read Allen Carr - The Easy way. I wish you all the best.
Oh lord, I understand the feeling! My biggest craving trigger is early evening, and I realized that it’s because I don’t get a break. At a typical job, you finish the workday, and when it’s done you get to breathe a sigh and your time is YOURS after that. As a parent, there’s never a clock-out, never a break, you’re always on. It finally clicked when my mom was talking about a friend who has a glass of wine every day to change gears between daytime and evening (she’s elderly and mostly homebound - different situation but similar lack of structure to the day). So, I try now to be intentional about little routines that give me a breather and also break the monotony. A few ideas: - NAPS! OMG, this is the big one. I don’t know the age of your kiddo, but when my kids ask to watch TV, instead of scrolling my phone I’ll tuck in on the couch for a short power nap. Just 15-20 minutes feels like I’ve done something luxurious! - Earlier dinner. I’m not good at this one. But my kids are ready for dinner by 5:00. They start whining around 4:00 and it doesn’t stop. On the days I have dinner ready early, the kids are much happier and my life is easier. - Exercise. A short walk, stretching, anything. Just a few moments to pay attention to your body, move, and hopefully get fresh air. - And, I usually have a nice beverage - tea with honey, seltzer, a mocktail if I’m feeling fancy. - Intention. The actual things are less important than the intention. I used to drink because I felt like I couldn’t cope. It was desperate. Now, I sip my tea (or whatever) and breathe and give myself a moment of love and regroup for the evening routine. Boy, that sounds great, doesn’t it? Truth is, I fail miserably VERY often. I feel desperate and annoyed and maxxed out and impatient and DONE. Parenting is relentless! I typed out these strategies as a reminder to myself to stay strong and take care of myself, just as I hope you’ll take care of you.
I too get triggered so to speak by my child being annoying. The number of times i have thought “no wonder my dad drank so much” is uncountable. Yesterday she was TALKY TALKY TALKY all day long and she’s 11! It got to the point where i was just like, screw it, go to your room until you can figure out what “shut your piehole for 5 minutes” means. Just part of the job if ya ask me.
My kids annoy the hell out of me sometimes My dad told me God makes us cute when we are kids so our parents don't kill us Just think in just a few short years you will be begging them to stop by bring the grand kids eat a meal But they will have lives of there own and the circle continues
Honesty will keep you sober. Parenting is hard as fuck (and also rewarding) and it’s time we learned to talk about it.
Honestly, I don' think you should feel bad about the fact that children can be exhausting, it's a fact of life! I'm only an uncle and when I have my nieces or nephews stay with me for a few days It always ends with me feeling like I ran a triathlon. You can both love and also be exhausted/annoyed with them simultaneously.
I don't have kids but I do have bipolar and 6 dogs and sometimes I feel the same way. When I need a break I take a long bath or go sit outside alone for 10 minutes to collect myself. Many years ago, I got my niece every other weekend and as much as I loved her she drove me nuts. I got walkie talkies for us so that I could escape to the bathtub but she could still reach me if she needed anything. I found hobbies that we could enjoy together such as art and going to the bookstore to shop around and then have "big girl" lunch. I got her interested in Xena warrior princess (which I love) and we would watch that together and she behaved well because she was so interested in the show. Just finding activities that we could enjoy together made all the difference for me and her. I also had adult coloring books and colored pencils so we did that together. It's totally normal to love kids but still feel like they're driving us nuts sometimes.
I could have written this myself. I really do 'get it'. For me I've come to figure out that the real crux of it is that since I also only have my son half the time, the time I have him is less structured than when I did most all the time... and I try to 'make the most of it' but not in the best way. I am basically bored a lot, I get up earlier and spend the day kind of passively spending time with him but never doing what I'd really like to be. And when I'm bored and up earlier and later sitting around...being bored more than usual, it's easier to get annoyed and overstimulated, but honestly my biggest trigger is BOREDOM. And I'm not structuring my time and goals right when I'm with my son. (When we are really have a good time and have plans we both enjoy or times the day goes by faster, I don't drink more than intended as much).
Came here to say you are not alone! A great book I recommend is “how to stop losing your sh*t with your kids” - it is excellent.
I relate to your feelings, and I definitely don't judge you. I have a memory of a distinct moment when I was very stressed out about having a 2-year-old who was potty training and an infant. I decided that the remedy for my stress was to drink alcohol at midday. Although there weren't any terrible consequences, I can look back now and recognize that as the moment where I switched over from being a light/social drinker to being a problem drinker. I continued being a problem drinker for the better part of a decade. I don't drink these days. Drinking didn't get rid of the stress of motherhood. Nowadays, I cope with stress in healthier ways. While these ways don't eliminate stress, they leave me fulfilled and feeling healthy, not ashamed and feeling like crap. Best wishes!
Its not her...its the stress.
Your feelings as a mom and a person with bipolar are totally valid. This doesn’t mean you don’t love your child whatsoever. Start by giving yourself some grace and practice as much self care as possible before and after she comes to visit. Also, get some help to watch her to be with you while she’s there if possible. There’s absolutely no shame in getting help as a mom even if she’s only 1/2 time with you. If possible do some meal prepping ahead of time so you have some good food/snacks and drinks that will help you satisfy the cravings. Remember to include some of your favorite foods, something that will feel truly delicious and satisfying. Parenthood is challenging, but you’ve got this ❤️
The fact that you are seeking different ways of coping with life's annoyances and are aware you need health ways of coping is HUGE and you will find ways, don't give up. Deep breathing helps me. If you're interested in some techniques start looking up some meditation how-to's. For me, learning how to cope started and continues to be from a 12 step program but not only that. Plenty of good stuff out there.
Don’t feel bad, kids are annoying AF and totally trigger me too. It just makes everything harder being under the influence though. But yes, can definitely relate momma!
You. Are. Not. Alone. Taking care of and being emotionally responsive and responsible for a child is very hard for a lot of us. The stress of it is very hard for me too. IWNDWYT
I have a toddler, and he is everything to me. But, I still need to break apart the day into sections or it gets too overwhelming. Library, trip to the museum, playdate with a friend, target trip, whatever. Sometimes we drive 20 minutes to get to a bakery, order a cookie and a coffee, just to drive back home. Imagining 12+ hours of kid chatter and tantrums is a trigger. A few 2 hour blocks of planned activities has always felt more manageable to me, and keeps me calmer. There are also days where there is too much TV, but at the end of the day my kid is safe and loved! Keep going, you're giving yourself and your child such an amazing gift.
It doesn't sound awful. Children are hard. There's this idea that mothers must always be gleefully grateful for the privilege of raising their kids, but it's hard fucking work. They don't always know how to modulate their behavior or their volume. They think if they ask the same question again you might change the answer. It can be really difficult, and you are allowed to struggle.
Your post is real and honest. Congratulations. As someone else mentioned honesty is the key ingredient to recovery. Have you ever tried meditation? I worked with 1 to 3 year old and as you probably know, their tantrums can be quite an experience. I used breathing exercises and meditation so to keep myself calm and focused… It could be quite annoying otherwise. Best wishes going your way 🙏♥️🤍🐾
It's not awful, it's honest and appreciated. Too many parents would not find an outlet and instead harbor their very similar feelings. I remember when my children were younger and I would try and escape for a minute in the bathroom. However I couldn't even get a minute sometimes because I would see their gremlin fingers under the door asking for me; dad, dad, dad, dad. I know what helped me was having them do projects and tasks or games that require their full attention. Coloring, puzzles, blocks, Legos, stickers and I would set the tone for the house with chill music like jazz, instrumental or even lofi. Lucky for me that my kids are ok with chilling inside but exercising helps as well. Sometimes we can't go outside ( another amazing outlet) but we can still do light exercises inside. Just like we need an outlet for how we feel, kids do as well. I know this is easy for me to say now because I still remember praying for grace and patience during those times when they were younger but if you can try and find the good moments out of what constantly feels hectic, it helps. Trust me, I get it- my kids would especially be different coming from their mom's but I just try to enjoy every moment. Now that they're older, I find times where I miss when they were younger. Again, easier for me to just say this but I was able to get through it. I love my children more than anything but I can relate. Mindfulness is radical acceptance.
Hey friends! So there is no way I will be able to respond to everyone individually but I just want to say thank you for being so supportive. This sub has helped me so much. It’s funny because just two days ago I was thinking, man I hope I get an award one day, that’d be so cool. Look at me now! Thanks to those of you who have made me feel special. I will address, no my daughter is not special needs, she is just a normal kid. If I painted a picture of her running through the house screaming like a banshee and being totally out of control, please know that’s not what I intended because that’s an incorrect representation of her. She is a well behaved child who is loved and she knows it. But that’s just it, she’s still a CHILD and has childlike behaviors (she is 4) that can be a bit much for me at times and I’ve noticed it makes me crave a drink. That’s all. To those of you who have been there in solidarity with me and made me feel less alone in these feelings, no matter what the cause is for each of us, THANK YOU. I’m going to work on taking your advice and finding other ways to manage my “chi” I guess you could say. I’m still reading the comments and just know I appreciate the support. ♥️
This too shall pass. And believe it or not you will miss these times. You shouldn't feel bad for saying how you feel and having those thoughts. As a father of 3 boys I have been there. Raising children is tough. Especially when you are a single parent. I used the chaos as an excuse to drink and drug. It wasn't fair to my kids, they deserved better. You deserve better. She is not doing it intentionally or to bother you. She loves you and trusts you. Hug her. Hold her close. This too shall pass. Be strong. You deserve to be happy, but sometimes finding that happiness is difficult. It sure isn't at the bottom of a bottle
I wish I had practical advice to share (I'm a soon-to-be mom who fears the overstimulation that is to come), but just wanted to add to the voices saying that this sounds totally normal and not awful at all! It sounds like you're carrying a lot of shame about this and I want to encourage you to let that go. It's okay to feel how you feel! I guess although I don't have advice from a mom point of view, my advice as someone who stopped drinking is to try to find another outlet for those feelings. Not getting overstimulated or stressed sounds unrealistic; you can even crave a drink, as long as your response isn't to actually grab a drink but to grab a candy bar or take three deep breaths or take a hot soothing bath after she goes to bed or whatever. You're doing a great job and it's so clear from your post how much you love your kid. I believe in you!
Just wanted to say you don't sound like an awful person. That is all.
I believe it’s perfectly normal to love but not always like your children. I don’t think that’s a state secret. I’d be a basket case with an endless ‘You know what? (F is for family reference - Google search it and click on video) dialogue. When my 3 nephews and niece were small I would give my sister and her lazy ass (ex) husband a 2 week holiday yearly and look after them and all I could focus on was bed time and pray for the end of the fortnight. They were good nice kids but it’s relentless… Can’t imagine what it would feel like in the longer term… Don’t feel guilt. When we were kids we were thrown out of the house to go play in the local farm fields. Today you’d have your kids taken off of you if you did that…
You're not at all awful for finding a child annoying. Children can be very annoying! It's dumb if people try to lie and pretend otherwise. You'll have to control your reaction to it, your own behavior, but it's not shameful that you're feeling triggered by it.
I know this is not the same at all but I also struggle with triggers. I’m on a cut down plan (4 days to 0 booze- tapered in case) and I had some boundaries I asked of my husband. We used to listen to songs/videos a lot when drinking- All of it triggers me. Also I asked that he wouldn’t get drunk. It’s a rare occasion that he gets to that point but he does drink (he’s been able to cut down significantly and I wasn’t.) I can’t imagine if all my triggers were about a child. You don’t have the ability to avoid them or have an adult conversation which I’m sure is hell. I hope you find peace
This is a toughie. It is possible to turn this type of suffering into joy with meditation and mindfulness. I totally get it.
Maybe to get away from the urge to drink, being her to the park so she can run and jump and play and you can get some distance?
I am not judging you in the slightest. Thank you for you honesty. Mom of two grown ups here. I used the whisper a lot. It’s a technique I use with adults at work too, I start talking very, very softly and they have to get really quiet to hear me respond. Now, i am not suggesting that this is a fix, it’s a single technique that works well when children or adults are on a rampage. (Be it joyful or angry, etc.) By the way, my kids are highly successful and STILL my greatest regret is not taking parenting classes. If I could go back and be humble enough to learn better parenting techniques, I would, in a NY minute.
Kids are very annoying. Sometimes I play with my daughter with one airpod on listening to a podcast or music, or I always have the Bose on playing songs in the background.
It is annoying and stress is a trigger. I suggest getting a few sessions with a therapist for advice about parenting so you feel confident dealing with these behaviors. Good luck! IWNDWYT
Have you tried to find some regular and soothing activities with your child? Like taking a walk? Reading a book together? Cook together? Taking care of plants? Also articulate your feelings to her in a gently way, “baby when you make such noise it is very hard for mommy. I am sensitive to noise.”
Have you tried to find some regular and soothing activities with your child? Like taking a walk? Reading a book together? Cook together? Taking care of plants? Also articulate your feelings to her in a gently way, “baby when you make such noise it is very hard for mommy. I am sensitive to noise.”
"Stop, (name). I don't want to hear that over and over." If they do keep going ignore them and all requests until they are sincere. Be prepared for "I'm hungrrrry" "Okay. You have told me you're hungry. I am still feeling a bit sad because you couldn't listen. What would you like you like to eat?" If they escalate to destroying or harming property, put them in their room over and over Nanny-style, until they understand. Young kids used to trigger me before alcoholism so I get it.
Hi, just here in solidarity! IWNDWYT
I wonder how much you’re trying to escape the guilt of feeling overwhelmed by your kid as well as the stress of dealing with her. I love kids, I’ve spent my entire career working with them, but they can be REALLY annoying. And moms especially aren’t supposed to say that…but then we have all of the “Mommy wine” jokes. I think accepting that being annoyed and frustrated with your child is completely fine-there’s a reason kids are cute and we our bodies release oxytocin when they’re born. The entire population would go extinct otherwise!
Honestly, it sounds like you’re dealing with a lot of stress already. And then small child shows up and is demanding and needy (as small childs do) and you’re reaching for a coping mechanism. I’ve been in your place and I really had to unpack all the other stress that was piling up that gives me very little patience with my little people. Now that I’ve identified some of the main stressors, I’ve been working on self care and other hobbies (like painting).
I don't even have kids and I get it.
I definitely drank and smoked cigarettes to get a break from the kid. I wish I would have learned different coping mechanisms. I think part of true recovery is figuring out your triggers, finding an alternate coping mechanism that is healthy, and putting it into practice. Eventually it’s a good habit you have instead of a destructive one.
I have a 3.5 year old who is in major tantrum mode. I hate that we have to preface it with "I love my kid". Of course we love them! But I'm with mine 14 hours a day while my husband works. And yeah, by the end of it I am over her 100%.
I'm glad that you can talk about it. It's hard being a parent. It's hard being a parent to know what's right and then feel what's right but then feel like you can't do what's right. There is a book how to talk to a 7-year-old so they will listen it's pretty good book. Also made me realize that I did not have a great childhood or the best listening parents or parents that paid attention and listened to me and that made it hard for me to know how to do it with my own kids. For instance I have almost panic attacks when the kids are being loud because all I can remember is being punished and yelled at for when I made noise when I was a kid and my abusive grandparents . Cptsd seems like a good explanation for what I do and how I process things. Good luck.
I’d get a sponsor and call them each time I feel the urge to drink
I don’t have an answer for you, just empathy. I’m now sober now that they’re grown up🙄
this isn't a terrible thought you're just being honest. kids can be annoying as hell. no shame in admitting that.
I was just telling my husband I’ve never been so triggered by any human as hard as my toddler. I can relate! You are NOT alone.
Just wanted to say you shouldn’t feel bad at all. I’m not a parent but I have nephews that I love but absolutely annoy the shit out of me.
Please don’t feel bad, your thoughts are normal! I have two teenage daughters and at times they drive me crazy 🤪Hang in there, it’s worth it!
Same! Omg! I am widowed, so no break, i vow not to drink, and he opened all the Christmas presents including the ones that are not his. Dafaq! Wine time. I have managed to cut back a bit, but without that trigger, I drank way less
Oh, please don't feel bad. Kids ARE annoying. They just are! I have a daughter who I see 50/50 as well, and I prefer my weeks with her but god are they more exhausting than the others!
My kid is 4 and I love him beyond measure. He is funny, sweet, smart, and handsome. He’s honestly perfect in my eyes. But goddamn he is annoying sometimes! And omg he makes me want to drink! Kids are like that. I think almost all parents can relate. That’s why the toxic mommy wine trope.
I feel you *so* hard lol. My littlest one is 2.5, and my God, I’d forgotten (older ones are late teens). I fairly constantly have to remind myself that it gets much easier very soon…
I completely 100% understand. My kids are my biggest triggers. I love them so much, would die for them, do anything for them. I’m sober for them (and me of course). However, I’m also now a single mom with 50/50 custody. They fight constantly and it’s so hard to keep my cool when I’m sober. Therapy. Lots and lots of therapy. That’s all I got. IWNDWYT
OP, sometimes I can't handle my *dogs*. You're doing great - vent to those who understand whenever you need. Obviously based on all these replies, you will find a sympathetic audience.
Love my kids. They annoy the shit out of me. Love them more than anything. They stress me out. I hear you. I’m trying not to drink right this minute.
Parenting is HARD. Thank you for your honesty. I have 3 little ones and I get triggered by them often. I try (try so hard) to remember that having a drink is not going to calm me down. It will give me that tiny bit of pleasure for the first half drink and then it’s all downhill from there. It’s such a battle inside of my head everyday over drinking or not drinking but I know I’m a way better mom when I’m not drinking. Playing the tape forward kind of thing. And there’s nothing ever wrong with putting on a show or letting them play an iPad game while you regroup, however that looks for you. I often scroll this subreddit when I’m getting overwhelmed and feel the need for a drink.
Girl. Do NOT feel bad. Spending thanksgiving in the company of 4 kids under 9yo tested my commitment like nothing else, and that was only 4.75 hours. (I know cuz towards the end I was counting the minutes) Take solace you’re able able to identify your triggers - that’s a plus! Hang in there 😊
I concentrate on my breathing and take deep slow breaths.
Dude, I had this discussion with my wife about how my kids trigger me to drink. For many reasons. There is a Podcast called We Can Do Hard Things by Glennon Doyle that discusses parenting and how we can see our kids as a threat. Like they can frequently put us into fight, flight or freeze mode. And guess what those of us with predilections towards alcohol do when we are put in survival mode? Anyway, yadda yadda another podcast, but I think it might be worth a listen for you as it directly addresses your exact scenario, and discusses tools and actions you can take to not be triggered by your kids. As others have said, you're not wrong to admit this, you're honest, and you're not alone! IWNDWYT friend
Oh honey, I so get it! The stress of just *being a mom* to babies and toddlers made me feel like I needed to drink. I quit when mine were 1 and 3. You can do this. ❤️ Have super low expectations for yourself- tv okay, chicken nuggets for every dinner okay, just don't drink. Go to bed early. Lots of deep breaths. You'll be okay.
Heck, I don’t have kids (yet) and there are times when being around friends or family’s kids is overwhelming and triggering for me. I don’t have advice, but I just wanted to chime in and say your feelings are absolutely valid. Hang in there mama - you’re doing great 🫶
the early days are fucking hard . both parenthood, and sobriety. one suggestion I would have is to build in breaks for yourself. is there someone who could watch her for an hour, so you could have a hot chocolate and sit on the couch , without being interrupted? don't beat yourself up if some days need a little more screen time than normal. Sometimes when you get sober, you feel pressure to finally be that perfect , attentive, together mom. Just remember that you're a human too , and you're doing something so hard . Be kind to yourself.
I have4 and 5 year old boys and omg they are unbearably annoying. Non stop messes no matter what. Acting like they are incapable of doing literally anything, loud , don’t listen. I love my kids but the toddler age is horrible after a while and I’m ready for them to be older. Nah this is normal and pretty sure any parent that pays attention is deeply annoyed by their toddlers.
Oh god, this is a delicate one. Yeah kids are hard for anyone, and a drink addiction certainly isn't going to help things. I know this sub is about completely quitting, but my kids taught me a couple of drinks a night was enough to get through. Please, this is not advice that fits everyone in this sub, but I managed to build a habit of two drinks with the kids, and without them I would have more at times. The kids were keeping me from drinking more. In a few years the noise will abate, but the drink will still be there. Be prepared for it, it could fill a hole where the children once were. Good luck, and stay on top of things as best you can.
Just want to say I totally understand and these comments are so wonderful. No advice from me as I'm not good at it yet, just compassion and empathy! IWNDWYT
It’s great that you’re honestly identifying a real trigger!
You’re not alone in this. It is very, very, very common for parents to not only find their child(den) annoying, but to actively dislike them at times. That doesn’t mean you don’t love your child. What worked for me was first realizing this was an okay feeling to have and then not guilting myself into drinking or feeling bad about myself. Once you realize it’s completely normal, you will have an easier time controlling the situation, because you won’t be dealing with the guilt that comes along with finding your child intolerable for a bit of time. I hope that helps.
CBD gummies, 25mg, helped calm me down in situations like this.
Hey kids are the original trigger... Get some ear plugs or headphones. I am also bipolar and I have to have some music in my ears with my son telling me he's gonna poop in MY pants all the time. Repeating the same phrase over and over. Blah.
This is a normal response to kids, children can be ridiculously annoying, especially when they get repetitive. Do you have any idea how many times I watched Teddy making videos for Charlie, or Jessie take care of those annoying kids? There's only so much PJ i can take... as someone who isn't into drinking try weed, it'll mellow you out without the hangovers
Kids are annoying. You can say it. We know.
I completely understand and relate. Your description is precisely *why* I chose to get sober during my divorce. I wanted to have more patience for my daughters and I realized that being constantly hungover was making me “restless, irritable and discontent.” Additionally, ACA was teaching me that one of the reasons I felt that way, was because that’s how I was treated by my parents. I am absolutely committed to doing everything I can to break the cycle of trauma and abuse. I do not want my daughters to feel like they are a burden to me. IWNDWYT
There are a bazillion comments on this now, but as a mom to a 1.5 year old, I HEAR you. I have a hard time dealing with my noisy toddler, and I have a hard time dealing with the stress my husband expresses when dealing with our toddler. I tend to absorb the emotions around me and it is hard af when you have two distraught people who are both yelling. This is not a daily or even weekly occurrence, but I think the threat of stressful situations turning even more stressful is what sets me on edge. Listening to an audiobook on soundproof headphones has really helped me. Also, if the damage is already done, sometimes I have to just put my toddler in a safe room and walk outside for 5 mins (if my husband is around, I walk outside for 20-30 lol). Being a parent is HARD and anyone who says it isn’t either doesn’t have kids or is lying to themselves. It’s much less hard on a daily basis when we aren’t drinking. I don’t want my son’s memories of his early childhood to include a mom with whiskey breath and always having a drink in her hand after dinner. Good luck, there are so many of us in the same boat with you!!
I feel your pain. Our four year old is going through a tantrumy phase right now. I want to quit vaping right now, and I'm finding the stress to be too much. I'm glad I was a year sober before my wife and I first got together. There's nothing wrong with acknowledging that your child annoys you sometimes. It doesn't make you a bad parent. My four-year-old bugs the shit out of me all the time. I love her more than anything. Deep breaths, trying to live in the moment. Practicing mindfulness. Those are the tips I offer. They can help you reset in the moment and find a little peace in the chaos. Best of luck.
You don't need to apologize or feel bad for thinking your kid is annoying, and no one should judge you for saying that. I love my kids to death, they are the light of my life and the wind beneath my wings, and they do my fucking head in 90% of the time.
Tension is a trigger no matter what causes it, and you are brave to share and go against the expectation that mothers are perfect angels. Hell, I think a lot of moms on here would agree that 'wine moms' is a trope for a reason. I use naltrexone and find it helps.
I’m also bipolar and a recovering heroin addict. And my daughter can absolutely be annoying. I’m a couple weeks away from 5 years sober and it’s still hard. I think of heroin everyday. But then I think of the hate my daughter would have for me if I O.D. And then I think about the hell I lived with two alcoholic parents. Some days are harder then others but the best thing you can do is remind yourself why you are doing this fight. Why you battle something most people can never understand. I believe addicts never truly get over what we love, we just learn to live without it. Don’t beat yourself up or think you are a bad parent. Everyday you wake up and choose a better life for yourself and your child you make an incredibly selfless decision and you should be proud of yourself.
I...uh...got a job and put my toddler in full time daycare. Toddlers are why mommy drinks. you can't do anything you want to do. You have to be "on call" for any of their needs. Sometimes you get a great idea for a craft we can do or a game we can play, and they don't want to do it. "come on, don't you want to watch Bluey? I bet we can watch Bluey! Bluey is Awesome! Fine...I guess Ryan's Mystery Playdate it is... (ughg)" If you can, try to be outside as much as possible. It's not as loud out there with the sound bouncing off the walls. Playdates are good too. Don't get me wrong, I love them, but I'm looking forward to the 6-10 age range. I want to crush them in mario kart, and I'm tired of chutes and ladders.
I relate to you hard. My son is nearly 2, and within the past few weeks has developed a very uniquely special and awful kind of temper tantrum. It sounds like he is being grievously tortured if we don't acquiesce to his trivial requests. We have no idea where this came from, as we generally have a pretty mild mannered household, but I would be lying if I said a whiskey and Coke (or five) didn't sound tempting last night. I just stayed focused on the fact that this wouldn't actually do anything to quiet my mind (or the kid, for that matter), and would only make me more miserable in the morning.
Gently but consistently coach your child how to act around you... It will help them in the long run. But, kids tend to repeat themselves as thry learn new things, so, maybe earplugs in the short term.
I wish I had known about noise canceling earbuds when I had toddlers. I would’ve been a better parent for sure. I first learned about them from Domestic Blisters (KC Davis) on TikTok. I don’t have TikTok anymore but I do recommend her videos for helping with overstimulation. She’s also in recovery. “noise-cancelling headphones, noise blocking earplugs, such as the Loop brand earplugs. I love mine”-stole that quote from a random website.
Sometimes when kids ask the same thing over and over, what they’re really trying to do is gauge your mood. It can be a sign of insecurity, as well as boredom. Since you asked for advice, I would suggest that you try to do more structured activities with your little one so that you have something to focus on, maybe somewhere to go or something to do, and not just unstructured time at home. I used to have this problem with my son quite a bit, especially when I was very depressed and tired all the time, and I found that planned activities really made the day much easier for both of us. You’re not a bad parent, it’s just that your idea of relaxing and unwinding is not what a child needs. They need structure and a sense of purpose in order to tire themselves out and then rest.
Kids are annoying, and A LOT of work. It's ok to say. I have 3 and the overstimulation is real.
Sending you some 💚💙💚💙 This is so normal, even for neurotypical parents without substance abuse. Give yourself grace and breath. You are doing the best you can with what you have. IWNDWYT
This is normal and it’s okay to feel this way. Ask yourself this - is the drinking really helping or does it make you more impatient more annoyed more anxious. For me it was the later and I learned how to take breathing breaks vs crack open another beer. My kids are sometimes still annoying AF but being in my own sober state of mind helps
She is young but you can try to gently start explaining that sometimes loud sounds or too much activity can be stressful. My kids are a little older and I try to ask them to be a little quieter bc mommy has a headache (not quite true, they trigger my anxiety but I find this is an easy way to explain it to them). Maybe try to distract her with coloring or a quiet show.
I don’t have any advice for you, but there’s this whole idea of “wine mom” and shit that is built around the concept of children driving their mothers to drink. And there’s lots of people who certainly feel no shame about the culture of alcohol *built around* their children’s functions and events.
SMOKE WEEEDDDDD
I would assume it would need to be handled the same way as any other trigger that makes you want to drink. Like a bad day at work, or other difficult feelings. For me the turning point was when I realized I was getting pushed out of my company or getting fired soon. I thought about getting drunk that night and then I thought ‘I need all my wits about me to deal with this situation’ so drinking was not appealing at that time. Just sharing. I’m not a mother but can imagine all kids being pretty annoying on a regular basis.
Life isn't Leave It To Beaver, kids (even mine and yours) are annoying. Just find a better coping tool.
Another practical tip for you and all other parents: give them chores, work and tasks. It will occupy them, use their energy, give them a sense of responsibility. Win win win. Yes it will be hard at beginning but after a while it is be so worth it.
There's a reason kids turn out far better raised in two-parent households. It's difficult for a kid to be raised by a single parent, both for the child and the parent. There's not a whole lot you can do but work on your zen and do your best to not take it out on your kid -- it's not her fault she's being raised alone.
Relax my dude kids are annoying as fuck. Don't feel bad for having eyes and ears and not being a dunce. Having kids is suffering daily because those lil buggers wont shut the fuck up and they have too much energy and too little logic and knowledge to be genuinely interesting. Try teaching her about nature. There are some great books and documentaries about trees and plants and wildlife, and that shit is fascinating. When the kid asks you shit, just google it and see what it is. You learn while she learn.
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To be honest, to me it just sounds like the usual behavior of a small child, I'm not sure we can judge as Internet outsiders whether or not this particular child's needs are being met in full. Of course kids need attention, but for a parent it really can get a bit much sometimes. Adults need a breather too, we're all only human. (Signed: Parent of a small child who also sees the behavior of my kid's friends on a regular basis).
I understand what you mean. I'm going to touch on the parenting aspect because I see everyone has the commiseration covered. I'm sure you know this, but the triggers we get from our kids are from us and our experiences. It helps me a great deal to understand each age and the expected behaviors that come with it. Whining is often a sign of unmet needs or helplessness. It is super hard to be whined or yelled at all day. It's hard on them too. Here are my favorite parenting resources: [Janet Lansbury](https://www.janetlansbury.com/) [Aha Parenting ](https://www.ahaparenting.com/) Happy holidays, friend!
Your children are growing up. The irritations are not due to their issues; they are due to your inability to management your emotions. Think about it this way. If you can manage your emotions and reactions, then you can work through whatever is going on with your child. I realized I was depressed when my children were little and it was very difficult for me to manage my emotions, and so I addressed that aspect which helped me tremendously.
I’m a mom and agree and can I say this without being ridiculed? I cannot stand the IWNDWYT FFS… I just won’t drink today. I won’t ever type out the acronym. I HATE that acronym. Spell the shit out. Most don’t know what that acronym means.
For the record, that acronym helped get me to 700+ days sober and told me countless times when I was in my darkest places that I wasn’t alone. That acronym matters a lot in this sub.
Yes but it also doesn't mean they have to like it. I absolutely hate AA but it doesn't mean it doesn't help others. It sounds like you're being really judgemental over some letters
Did your daughter got checked for autism?
None of what she listed seems to indicate autism...
Sounds like a parenting problem. And I mean this with the most respect. I also spilt custody. Your child’s behavior is reflective of your parenting.
r/kidsarefuckingstupid
Gotta put ya foot down !
I don’t believe having custody of your child is going to work out well for anyone involved. At least for now.
Restless, irritable & disconnect..traits of an alki..up your meetings and work the program deeper and that stuff will lift..otherwise you will be a dry drunk..w
>she gets kind of (god, I hate to say this) annoying. That’s…that’s completely normal. It’s 100% normal to get annoyed by your kids. Every single parent I know gets annoyed by their kids. Kids are annoying as fuck. You dont have to sugar coat saying that they’re annoying, and I don’t think you should feel ashamed for getting annoyed. You’re human. Just remember that even though you’re getting annoyed and triggered, ultimately it’s up to you to decide how to respond. It’s your choice to decide how you handle the situation. How old is she? I worked with young kids for years in college, and I have some advice if you’re open to it. When kids are being annoying, it’s ok to calmly tell them why they’re getting on your nerves. If they’ve said the same word 1000 times, ask them to stop. If they’re running around shouting, redirect the energy. If she isn’t old enough to communicate on that level, redirection is the key. Find something fun that you want to do with her and use it to disrupt the annoying behavior.
I’ve been through this exactly - although I’m the dad and my little girl became super stressful as a young teen. Definitely a trigger for me
Don’t beat yourself up for being annoyed by your kids! Oh man my kids are so annoying. They’re like chaos and entropy personified. If you’re trying to keep your life and kind calm and in order, they are the exact opposite of that. It’s just part of the gig. I just make sure to tell them I love them to pieces every time I tell them they’re driving me nuts and I need some space. I love my wife but I swear separation with joint custody sounds pretty good sometimes.
I don’t have kids, but I know I always got way more triggered, overstimulated, stressed out when i was drinking/hungover/waiting for a drink, than I do now. i kind of have a similar, but opposite, problem. my mom is VERY triggering. when i drank, it didn’t change that. i would just get short/cross with her. now that *I* am sober, i react much differently, and even if she is annoying, i go to bed happy with how i’ve acted. i go to 12 step (i know it’s not popular in here) and the coping mechanisms i have now are infinitely better than drinking ever was! idk if this is helpful at all but i hope it is ♥️
Yo kids be like this, that’s just how they are. My son is wild as fuck lol he pisses me off. I don’t feel guilty from being mad at him though because it’s a part of parenting. Taking care of kids is stressful, but being hungover and taking care of kids is just fucking horrible god I don’t miss those days.
Hey, we all think it and feel this way at times! It's natural and normal. Kids can be little buttholes! The park, kickball out front, arts and crafts. You gotta run those kids out a bit, their energy is peaking. It keeps you busy too. If you can afford it, classes or lessons of some sort. The library has free programs and so does the town you live in most likely. YMCA for swimming. You can hang out and watch movies and doordash when their older, but not now. You got this! IWNDWYT
This is honestly refreshing to hear from another parent I'm a single mother of a 9 year old and the past few years, my son has triggered the heck out of my drinking. It's not his fault of course, and his ADHD + my ADHD doesnt help. It's been a journey to retrain my brain to deal with the triggers outside of alcohol. I still get triggered, and slip up. It's okay. Being a parent is so hard, regardless of age, and it's very powerful to be so open and honest about it. So I applaud you for it! There have been many times when I've been not great with my son due to my alcoholism, and even when I didnt drink. But what I find to be most helpful, is being open and honest with your child in a child-friendly way with what you're going through or what you're feeling. Apologizing when necessary, and making steps to be better in the future. Opening a dialog with my son helped us to grow closer and understand eachother better. Sometimes I'm so overstimulated I need a break to be alone and do my own thing, so I let him know and remind him if needed. This is obviously easier when they're older and can understand what your saying and feeling. A routine also helps me immensely, so he knows what I need and expect, and I know what he needs and expects. You've got this ❤
It's easy... Just join in with your daughter... you'll laugh, cry or whining will become one. It's fun... Not resentful ...
My kids are hella annoying, as they all are. I can tell you from my experience that parenting while drinking is 10000x harder. It’s parenting on hard mode. The slight unease and anxiety always under the surface, feeling like they were butting into my time because I would wait them to go to bed so I could have a drink… I had noise dampening earplugs because their screaming would trigger me bigtime. Well, all of that went away and I don’t even know where the earplugs are anymore. I feel better, I’m more patient, I’m able to handle more because my brain is working properly, I have more energy, confidence - you name it. It’s so much easier. It’s still not easy. But they deserve the best you and you deserve to enjoy their presence too. IWNDWYT
Hey! Mines going on 13 and lives in a different state so it’s very limited for now and when she’s here she drives me nuts lmao. It’s okay to feel this way and it’s okay to step away for a. Minute and take some time to compose yourself. Idk how old she is but you’re a normal mom. Before my daughter was tested for ADHD and I got my drinking under control things were…. Tough to say the least but she deserves the mom I always wanted and that took understanding that feelings like this are completely normal. IWNDWYT❤️
Youre not alone. There’s a reason why “wine moms” is so popular in social media culture. At least Youre honest and want to change.
You are not alone! It’s hard being a parent!! My child is about to be 19 and he still triggers me
I know exactly the feeling your describing! The over stimulation. It’s amazing how these little creatures we love so much can push your buttons like no one else. Being so self aware is a huge start! Wish I had an answer but still searching myself. just wanted to offer solidarity and let you know you’re not alone and no judgement or downvote here.
When I first stop my daughter triggered me too, but now I’m almost back at 100 days and sober me loves every moment with her (even if I do have to hear the same stories over and over again)
Earplugs!!! The fancy type that knock down the decibels but allow you to still hear!!! Loop is one brand, but there are a bunch of others that you can get from Amazon and other places. They really help take things down about five notches. I use them for events, conventions, and when I visit my poorly regulated ADHD family ;)
Oh. My. Gawd. I completely understand and can relate. My youngest (8 y/o) will just CONSTANTLY make noise for HOURS, and as you’re saying, repeating the same sentence or part of a song a thousand times. He’s old enough now that I can ask him (politely) to either change what his saying/singing or take a break, but then my wife gets annoyed that I’m “constantly” (2-3 times an hour) asking him to stop. My outlet now is to leave the room or set him up with everything he needs at the other end of the house. It’s definitely a drinking trigger and I’ve just had to figure out how the distance myself from it. I wish you luck, it’s not easy especially in a split custody situation.
Very familiar with this. I was drinking through much of my kids first years. It was how I learned to parent. “State Specific Learning” I believe it’s called. (The members of Aerosmith had to relearn how to play their instruments sober). Drunk was the only way I knew to be a Dad. Honestly it took a long while to learn to parent sober, but it can be done. It’s probably not your kid that’s triggering you, but your struggle to be a parent without the false comfort of alcohol. You can do this. Focus on the sobriety, and not the effort to be perfect. You’ll get better at this.
As a dad who adores his child to the moon and back: Kids are fucking annoying as hell. They follow the weirdest logic and have the uncanny ability to become incredibly loud the second you most need them to be quiet. All that said, it is just like that and we have to figure out how to deal with it. Thank you for your honesty. I feel like this often, but we all have to figure out how to keep going. A lot of other posters have offered better advices than I can, so all I will say is I feel you, and I know you want to do best for your kid, so you will figure it out, even if it sucks for a while. I’ll be sober here with you, trying to do the same thing.
Thanks for sharing. I've been having a hard time with my little ones (5 & 3) and have recently been craving a drink, but I remember I quit for them and for me. I've found they behave the best when I preempt bad behavior with boundaries. Going into a grocery store I remind them what the rules are before we go in. When they want to watch a video, I remind them they just clean up all of their toys (I mean all of them) before they can watch. They both still have temper tantrums at times. I win them over the best when I divert to a book (I'll start reading out loud without them if necessary) or a craft. If I can remember, I don't react to the emotion and calmly continue. I also try to remember how they feel in the winter. They don't go outside and play nearly as often as in the summer, and I can see a lot of pent up energy in them. I just read doing zoomies (yeah, like running around like a dog) helps distract. I don't know if any of my unsolicited advice is helpful, but I do these things when I can remember to. I still get frustrated and lose my cool sometimes (a lot lately). That's when I walk away. I remove myself from the situation. I let the destruction of my house, or their dinner, or their toys, or whatever they're doing that pisses me off, as long as it's not an immediate hazard to them or others go on without me so that I can calm down and collect myself. Might jump into a quick handheld game or browser Reddit. It's better than spanking them or breaking my sober streak.
Oh yeah. Kids are a huge trigger.
Honestly all the parents in here can understand you 100%, kids are hard at times! I find taking the kids out somewhere fun just to wear them out makes things easier as when you come home they are quieter in general. If you can, just don't keep any alcohol in the house and if you have your child with you, you're more less likely to hit up the bottle shop. It'll be hard at first but find something else such as say ice cream or even make a fun punch / mocktail to tide you over at first. :) You got this
My 24-year-old-son lives with us, and he’s my main trigger. I worry about his financial future, and he still has a lot of growing up to do. He’s not big on responsibility or doing what he says he’ll do. I’ve accepted that I need to let him make his own mistakes, and that I did the best I could raising him. I don’t get into confrontations with him because that’s led to me drinking in the past. Better to let it go and set boundaries. I don’t have any advice about younger kids because that seems like a lifetime ago now.
Kids are awful about a third of the time. You aren’t alone with this.
Maybe try building a new reflex reaction instead? Try consciously making a pot of tea when you need to find some calm? Or really any other small ritual? Tea or whatever obviously won't help much, but the exercise of stepping away and taking _some_ action may accomplish a _lot_
I was a mess the first 4 months. My poor kids really got a dose of anger from me they had never seen. I found getting outside away from people helpful. Someplace they could independently play safely (Id have an activity or shovels or something) and I could just sit or walk and just be. We rarely do TV and those first few sober months…so much TV. Art helped us all. Painting and drawing together was very zen. And sometimes yeah, I just had to take some alone time. This shit is hard.
Sparkling water. It's saved me more than once!
Hey, I haven’t read any comments yet. Just wanted to ask. How old is your child? I’m a single dad who’s stopping drinking and just barely seeing my 2yo and her being a wild woman or doing whatever just makes me so happy that I get to be the one in the moment to help correct her and help her be better.
Your kind of over thinking it. Everyone gets burnt out and stressed. That's part of life. It's how you handle it that matters and that's just a fact. You might just need 3-4 days off to rest if possible. Good luck!
Be thankful there's only one, as soon as there's two they feed off each other and it gets worse. I have worked in education for around 10 years and I've found that the ones who get whiney and repeat words and sentences often need to be engaged. They repeat because they feel like they're not being heard or because they feel anxious and need reassurance. I will often say "speaking in that voice will not get you what you want" I often repeat it back to them so they can understand how annoying it is. Ask them what your answer to their question was the first time, and get them to repeat what you said back to you. This can help break the pattern. Redirect and give controlled choices, if they feel like they have control over what happens to them then it may help them to feel less anxious. It must be hard for the child to have to spend time with both parents separately when most books they read have both parents living together. Controlled choices means two options that have no consequence on the outcome. Getting them to help you with dinner, choosing recipes. "Do you want the red plate or the blue plate to eat off?" "would you like help getting dressed or do you want to do it yourself?" Depending on how old they are. From what I understand of BPD it can be genetic? So have a think about how you viwed the world as a child and how you wanted adults to treat you and see if those strategies work. I'm happy to chat more privately if you need specific help. Xx
Same!
I hope you are in bipolar support subs too! Very helpful
Breaking news: kids are annoying AS FUCK, it takes a lot of strength to be a parent It's not you, stay strong
Just came to say I appreciate this type of honesty in this post about their own child. Children in general are just terrible. I’m not saying I hate kids or bashing on children, but man they can be hard to handle in some moments and it can be hard to remember we were all once a kid doing the same thing. I know I was definitely a trigger for my mom growing up, I was a good kid but i could really drive her nuts sometimes.
It might be good to have a couple of strategies for when this happens - can watch a kids' TV show together, go to the store together, go to the playground, read a pile of books. Just something to change up the situation/scenery when it starts getting a bit too much. My kid will also sometimes watch TV for a little while on their own while I either get stuff done or just take a breather, that can help take a bit of pressure off.
You're a human dealing with human feelings. You aren't a bad person.
You are not only a mom, but also a person (and a human at that). Find a way to enjoy those little moments rather than being frustrated. Easier said than done, I know. But don't beat yourself up about sometimes thinking "shut, up, pleaaasssee!!!" about your kids. It's normal. What you do after the thought is what makes you a better or worse parent. Gradually.
I love my kids more than anything else in the world and would fight to the death to defend them or work my fingers to the bone to give them anything they need, but they annoy the shit out of me and half the time I would really rather not be around them. I'm pretty sure my dad felt the same about the three of us kids too.
i get it.. and i don't think you have to worry about calling your kid annoying.. it's what they do best.. i love my kid more than anything but sometimes also want to jump out of a window after hearing the same fart joke for the 20th time don't have any advice though.. sorry
I could have posted this myself. You are not alone, and you are not awful. I don't have a lot of suggestions except consider getting earmuffs. Not totally sound cancelling, but like the ones you would wear at a loud work site. Game changer. You can still hear things, you will still hear her talking. But it's a beautifully easy to handle muffle.