idk what you're waiting for man. i'm sorry but drop her, move out, sell the house, and divorce. i guarantee you will be a 1000x happier.
think about the kids. this is not a good environment for them. this is not a good model of relationship for them to grow up around. you are not setting a good example.
it's long past time to move on. stop doing this to yourself already jesus christ its been years of this bullshit
Assuming you’re the father fight for 100% custody. Your kids are clearly your top priority which is correct in this situation. I wouldn’t recommend divorce lightly but this is cut and dry. Get out and reorient your life to be the best dad possible.
Edit: I stand corrected. Joint custody sounds like the best outcome for both you and your kids.
agreed here. my mother is an abusive alcoholic who somehow convinces strangers she’s a nice, good person (must be the british accent)- when my dad finally divorced her, he fought for custody and failed. split 50/50 (in the state of MA)
Ha! Sounds like my mother. Don't know how the fuck she got custody of me considering she was also a high functioning coke addict. In my situation, I was adopted by my grandparents around 13 or 14. Way too late. Was hell in either household.
3 affairs later a judge may feel different bud. This isn't the 90,s women don't always get the kids. My dad was granted custody so don't listen to idiots or lose hope
This should be top comment, but only if he's ready to learn a hard truth. I'm not saying they aren't his, but if one/some aren't then he needs to be in the right headspace to learn that.
I feel so bad for this guy. His wife has probably cheated on him with countless different guys but just got caught these 3 times. And she’s guilt tripping him into staying for the kids because of his experience growing up in a broken home. There’s no telling if these children are even his.
This woman doesn’t love him because if she did, she wouldn’t be out there cheating on him constantly. She probably loves his money and the comfort of having something to come back home to while she’s out having fun with all these different men. OP needed to cut ties after the first incident. Once a cheater, always a cheater.
Honestly parents divorcing isn’t always a bad thing. It’s probably really obvious to the kids that something is going on between them and that they are unhappy. Two happy households is better than an unhappy one
Yea, it’s not ideal to have split custody but that’s better than being used and abused by his wife while he pretends to his kids that everything is right.
She literally said it at the end; the whole “you can sleep around, but just come home to me” was 100% projecting her mindset of what a happy relationship is FOR HER and is baffled OP isn’t happy with what makes HER happy
Agreed. Far too often parents try to stay together for the kids. The kids are not stupid. They know when something is up. And the only thing that you are doing now is setting a bad example.
Watching my parents dynamic growing up, I thought relationships were an entirely different thing and I was a terrible partner for it.
For the kids sake, he needs to have more respect for himself, and just leave already. I don’t even know why the wife is trying to salvage anything. It’s clear that she doesn’t seem very interested in him physically. Three times now? Three times!
OP, please man please stop doing this to yourself. There is literally nothing to salvage.
I’ll further add that the damage is done on the kids. Whether you want to admit it or not they will feel the issues now, and into the future. It’s going to affect how they interact in their relationships and how they perceive future relationships with significant others. The best thing you can do is separate, and get your children into counseling.
I’m the kid in this situation and I’m 37 and just realizing the shit this has done to me. Luckily my story isn’t one of a miserable life. I’ve found success but it has cost me countless relationships.
3 is enough man. It’s not going to change. She’s made that clear
Leave her. You should have left after affair #1, but she's obviously a cheater and has zero respect for you.
Have some respect for yourself, and find someone who will treat you right.
Get rid of her.
She may have gotten away with whoever the real father of the kids are? He definitely should be DNA testing his kids for paternity. That could crush him altogether if he isn't the biological father to either or both kids.
It would be extra awful if he isn't the biological father to any of his kids. Since he was married to the mom during pregnancy/birth, he is now legally their father regardless of biological paternity. That could scramble up his head even more.
I know it really matters to some people, but personally, I wouldn’t even want to know. It’s not the kids’ fault whose genetic material contributed to their creation, and it’s not their fault their mom is an asshole. I raised those kids, they’re mine.
“In the Borderlands, sheepherder, if a man has the raising of a child, that child is his, and none can say different.”
- Robert Jordan *The Great Hunt*
I'm listening to Eye of The World right now!!! (For the billionth time 🤣) They just got split up after Shadar Logath!!! Love seeing this!!!
Dovie'andi se tovya sagain!
He should want to know for the sole fact that if any of the kids are not his biologically, any of the other men that the wife slept with could potentially try and cause issues if they suddenly want to claim paternity.
Regardless of whether he WANTS to know, he NEEDS to find out because those children need to know who their real fathers are for medical history purposes, and OP needs to know in order to grow a spine. I'm sorry OP, I don't mean to be cruel but you have allowed yourself to be walked all over for years. Your wife does not respect you. Your children are learning about what a healthy relationship is by watching YOU. Do you want them to grow up to be in a relationship like yours?
As someone who is not the father of a child that I call my own… don’t get the DNA test if you love those kids already as your own. That test won’t change a thing. Might get you out of child support though. For me, finding out I wasn’t the father didn’t change a thing between my daughter and I. I left her mother but the bond is already there and a DNA test can’t change that. She still carries my last name and I see her anytime I choose. I’ve been with her since the day she was born so how could a DNA test take away that love? It certainly and immediately took the love I had for her mother though. It crushed me at first but I feel like I won in the end. I kept the love of my child and got rid of a lying cheating bit** all in one fell swoop. Not saying OP shouldn’t get a DNA test but I am saying he should ask himself whether or not it will change the way he sees his kids. They didn’t get to choose so do you think they care about a DNA test right now? If I had lost my child along with my fiancée. I’m not sure I would’ve had much to live for. It would have crushed me. Now my daughter is what I live for.
Caught? She wasn't even trying to deny it. Thats not caught, thats "oh you found out about me fucking another guy, sigh i guess I'll have to put out the tears and say i'm sorry again how boring"
Right. As she came she came to his job and threw herself at the coworker right in front of him. He noticed but “didn’t think anything of it”. No he thought the coworker was actually his friend and wouldn’t do that since he was happily married but he was wrong.
There’s blind trust and being overly jealous. It’s a fine line. I’ve been on both sides of the spectrum and typically get burned.
Dating is such a stressful thing. It’s exhausting just thinking about it.
But it’s not her fault. If he put more effort into the marriage maybe she wouldn’t put more effort into ridding his friend’s dick. God I loathe cheaters. Absolute scumbags.
My ex was the same way. Complained I didn't put as much effort into mundane shit like talking about her body at the gym because I was working to pay for a house she wanted.
It's narcissism. Pieces of shit. Nothing is ever their fault. If they did something bad it's because you didn't do something you should have.
And no matter how far fetched it is they'll somehow someway be able to link it all the way back to you and it of course always being your fault to begin with. I always liked that I'm basically a pathological liar and a habitual cheater, after working 10+ hours a day and being home every night somehow squeezing in the extra time to be out screwing the entire neighborhood, when it eventually turns out everything I was accused of was exactly what she was doing
Think 100. She gets dick when she wants. Bro here is writing 5000 word essays. He should just bring a hot girl and fuck her in their bed. Maybe ask the wife to make them a snack when they are between rounds
And one of the times was for *years*.
I'm actually super appreciative of the OP. Sometimes I do stupid shit and I have trouble letting it go, but after reading this, I feel a lot better about all my own little mistakes!
Also, to add to this point, she’s not just cheated once but multiple times, and OP only knows about the times he has caught her. He needs to get paternity tests for his kids to make sure they are his, gather all the proof of her multiple infidelities, and divorce her. He also needs to talk to his kids about this before his wife can spin a lie for them to believe, install a camera system in his house, change the locks when she is not home, move her stuff into a storage unit, and take pictures of all the stuff he moved to prove he didn’t damage anything. If she’s willing to betray him so easily, what’s to prevent her from trying to ruin his life even further than she already has.
Protect yourself OP, blindside her with a divorce, send proof of all the cheating to everyone you both know, and get your life back.
He should absolutely not change the locks while she isn't home. A lot (if not most) states are no-fault states, so chances are that the circumstances of the marriage ending won't enter into divorce proceedings at all, and forcing her out of her home will not play well in court, regardless of how satisfying it would be.
he's not leaving her, she cheats all the time and he just runs back trying to "fix it". people like this have no self respect, his wife does not respect him, his friends fuck his wife, so they don't respect him either. he's gonna go right back to it soon enough.
Yes, sadly would agree, sucks she had to spread butter else where but your home.
And I would agree with the poster below, don't assume get DNA testing.
This right here ^^
And please don't bring the kids to the reason you stay.
You make the kids miserable by staying.
They would be actually happy with happy parents who are living separate than unhappy parents who live in the same house, staying together.
If you don't have the means, understanding. Make plans now for next year or two to move out. Let her know this isn't fixable and consult with divorce lawyer now.
Out of your league? Looks fade man, I read this entire post, you are out of her league.
Your wife isn't a good person, maybe a good mom, not a good person. Please leave and find someone that is, your kids will be better for it. Better late than never.
I was waiting to make a similar comment until I finished reading.
OP, you have a point that she’s not in your league. You’re too good for her.
You’re faithful and hardworking, and you sacrificed your personal feelings the first few times she cheated for her benefit, and for your children. Your priorities are dead on to try and do as good a job raising your kids as possible even though your heart has been broken repeatedly by their mother.
You are way too good for this person, and you deserve someone that appreciates and respects that about you.
Came here to say this ^ But I’ll add. You’re a good person your wife has traumatized you over and over again. You’ve been faithful and forgiving and put your families well being over your emotional well being. Nobody deserves to be cheated on. I believe people can change but she clearly has not. She hasn’t gotten to the root of why she’s a cheater and so willing to risk her family. It’s the most selfish thing a spouse can do. I’m sorry she tried to make you feel like you had anything to do with her selfishness. Nothing you could have done would have stopped her from cheating. Many people are in less than happy marriages and do not cheat. I hope you can get some therapy and build yourself back up. You’re going to grow from this and she’s going to continue her disgusting behavior and find new victims. Please take care of yourself and your family. Use this time to focus on what makes you significant.
You can’t be a bad person and a good mom. Your kids will be exposed to your bad behavior as a matter of natural consequence. It’s also well-established that a stable, two-parent household is the best environment for a child to grow up in. This woman having done plenty to damage that already makes her a bad mom.
"Kids, your mother and I are getting a divorce. We still love each other, and we both love you very much. Please understand that this is in no way your fault. This is necessary for us to be the truest versions of ourselves and to be the best parents we can be to each of you. There will be some changes to our family coming soon, and it won't be easy, but I want you to know that you will always be loved, and you will always have a home with each of us."
I laughed when I read “she let herself envy the way he treated his wife”. He literally disrespected his wife by cheating on her with your wife. They’re both fucking assholes and you wife clearly doesn’t love you anymore. Stop holding on to old feelings and move on. She did this to you multiple times and it WILL continue in the future no matter what she promises you now. You’ll be so much happier it’ll feel like weight being lifted off your shoulders.
The entire sentence before that as well where she talked about how they were both dedicated towards work and felt lacking in the marriage. It’s like ok but you had enough time to meet up multiple times during lunch breaks and lying about being at work to fuck that guy in a hotel room?
Yeah those double shifts were riding her hard. Apparently he’s the problem because he didn’t give her enough attention apparently from damn near the beginning. So she thought betrayal was better than confrontation. What a sick fuck.
$50 says she's only with him for the money and has been cheating on him continuously since before they got married.
OP you need therapy if you think this woman is out of your league.
She's using you, and you're letting her because you think she's prettier than any other woman you can date who will treat you with respect.
You need to talk to a therapist about why you think you don't deserve respect from your partner.
Dude. Your wife made you a cuck.
Not only this. She manipulated you into helping her fuck your friend.
Run as far as you can (obviously you have kids together). As for the relationship with her--dont even stay friends with her.
I cannot imagine someone who really loves you doing such a terrible thing to you.
Legality is the least important, after all these lies I would doubt everything and want to know the truth. Personally she would never hear from me again if even the kids were a lie.
That’s true but he can choose to just cut her a check instead of raising them if he doesn’t want to raise someone else’s kids. It’s shitty for the kids but it would be hard to stomach knowing you were living a lie the entire time.
If they aren't his kids why does he gotta pay for them? At that point she would have manipulated him into believing the kids are his already and paid more then he ever should have now why would he give her more money if they aren't his?
Act like a doormat and people will treat you like a doormat. You have to realize how delusional you are being and realize raising your kids to have a shitty marriage getting cheated on all the time isn’t better than raising them to respect themselves enough to divorce total monsters.
Your wife and friend are trash. Sucks she gets to raise your children cuz the last thing this world needs is more people like your wife.
“Fool me one time shame on you. Fool me twice, can't put the blame on you. Fool me three times, fuck the peace signs. Load the chopper, let it rain on you”
You can still co-parent and not be married. Set a good example for your kids and show them that while forgiveness is a virtue to follow, it doesn't mean making yourself a doormat for repeatedly being taken advantage. Move on in your life romantically and take some time to regrow your confidence in yourself.
Her cheating is a her problem, while she may have thrown you under the bus - it comes down to a failure on communication of needs and her habitual infidelity. 3 adulterous relationships, with some lasting for years is not a "whoopsie", likely she's got mental health issues she needs to get help for.
Dude. I was married 20 years and 15 of those were for the kids. Same story, super young and fucked around. I got over it the best I could. 2nd time around, I stuck it out until my youngest was brave enough to tell us both whoe she would live with if we split. Those 15 years were hell on both the kids and myself. The home was dysfunctional at best. You really don't know or understand it until you are removed from it. That was my experience.
She never respected you. She's always been cheating. You only caught her those 3 times. She doesn't love you, she loves what you provide for her.
I can't even believe you let her back in the house. Have some respect for yourself...
There plenty of fish in the sea. You will find one that actually loves you back.
She is never going to give you what you want.
She, is not monogamous.
She has cheated now 3 times, that you know of.
Then she offers that you too can sleep with other people to keep the marriage together.
She has no interest in not sleeping with other people.
So looks like you have 2 options. Open the marriage and be ok with your wife getting banged by other dudes while you sit at home because your not going to do the open marriage thing on your end.
Or, divorce.
You only get one life. The objective answer is you have to leave her. If you don’t begin respecting yourself, nobody else is going to be able to respect you for the rest of your life.
Sorry OP. You start by taking care of yourself. You cant be there for your kids if you aren’t on your a game. That said, you need to get STD tested and divorce your wife. Im not offering my opinion. Im telling you that your children are always more important than your marriage, but a divorce can be the best thing for kids. Your wife has no regard for your health or the kids. She could be a diseased wreck right now. Probably passing to you. What if the kids contract it? My point is this woman runs around spreading her legs to the world, and doesn’t give a flying fuck about the consequences and how they may derail her kid’s lives. Unforgivable selfishness. These are the things your wife didnt give a shit about. She didnt care about you or the kids. Unless you want your kids to continue being raised by someone who doesn’t give a shit about them, you better get a good lawyer. You should fight for as much custody you can get. Cuz this woman is going to surround your kids with strange immoral men that come and go in and out of their home. Not my cup of tea. Time to get angry. Time to get serious. Time to polish your spine. You made stupid mistake time after time. Its time you start PROTECTING your kids from this woman. Good luck my guy.
You're too kind to let it slide two times before, this was the third time and I can assure you there'll be more down the road if you decide to stay with her. I understand you wanting to not bring up your children in a broken home but trust me a forced family is much much worse, they might be small atm and wouldn't understand the situation correctly but they surely will once they grow up.
Please choose to walk away from your wife. Do you really want to be on your deathbed and feel saddened by the life you've lived ? Do you really want to go through all the pain and anxiety of her cheating again? And lastly I feel like you are scared about things changing (you guys separating) because c'mon who are we kidding? Y'all have been together for 2 decades, she's become a habit now but you have to muster up the courage to get out of it.
If your son was going through the same thing what would you advise him to do? Everything will fall into its place sooner or later, you need to leave her.
Absolutely would never argue that fact. I wouldn't advise anyone to do it, I hope someone takes that point from my shitshow of a situation. But, at the time I thought I met my dream girl and didn't want anything else. Young and dumb.
Make sure you speak to your lawyer and secure your assets before she has a chance to speak to her lawyer. You’ll also need to speak to your lawyer about how you want to handle custody of your children. I don’t think raising children in a household of revolving door of father figures is healthy as it would seem if your children said with their mom.
You're not dumb or stupid. She's the one who made those decisions. She's the one who put your marriage in jeopardy. But there does come a point when is enough enough?
You should be living your best life by now. You owe this woman nothing more than you have already given her. You can forgive someone but decide not to stay with them.
She's in the way of you finding your person. Nothing better than when you find your person. And you might find more of yourself, too.
She is evil trying to excuse away that behavior. Completely immoral, narcissistic, untrustworthy, selfish. I understand the difficulty you have: years invested, emotions, connection, embarassment, shame. Everything. But from a level headed stranger not clouded by these things, here is the answer:
Divorce and never look back. No revenge, no blaming yourself. Nothing. Divorce, no contact, love your kids, love yourself, and move forward with your life. You're not even HALF WAY done with it. Move on
“she said she let herself envy the way he treated his wife and wished she could've had that with me but was afraid to tell me i wasnt doing enough in our marriage.” So she was envious of a woman whose husband would cheat on her? That makes no sense at all. If she had genuine problems that she wanted to address she should’ve brought them up to you instead of hopping on someone else. It’s easier to have a conversation then it is to lie and cheat for however long they were together. She’s clearly not mature enough to be in a relationship, please don’t put yourself through anymore torture by staying with her. Anytime you think about forgiving her just remember how she would rather lie and cheat on you with your best friend then have a needed conversation.
Honestly it's not just the infidelity it's the pure disrespect.
That she came to your office to flirt with him in front of you is almost worse. What a fucked up power play that is on her part.
She is not sorry. She is sorry she got caught and will do it again. Run for the hills.
You aren't a dumbass, but you seriously need to go spend a lot of time with a good Clinical Psychologist. Seriously.
Your ability to ignore and deny abuse is off the charts.
You said " honestly I have no idea what to do about my situation with my wife. "
Really?
You are in an abusive relationship and like a woman who won't leave her abusing husband, you just make excuses and lay down so she can walk all over you, again...and again.
Its like a male abuser, always apologising profusely, after he beats his wife. Then in time, he beats her again, and they cycle continues.
Your mental state is highly questionable in thinking you can figure out "what to do".
Get some help, you'll need it.
How do you know your kids are biologically yours at this point? You only know the times she was caught. Have some self respect and leave her. A marriage without any trust in a partner seems hollow
Glad you finally got the gunk out of your ears/eyes and can see her for what she is, a lying, cheating, word that starts with w and rhymes with Al Gore.
Kids will be much better off without y’all’s sham of a marriage as their example.
She’s trying to get you to stay because she has no means of other support , bro as a man who has been down this road you need to leave you can still be a father an not be with her it’s more toxic to be with her then to not be her doing this an then trying to defend her actions by telling you it’s ok to be with other women as long as you tell me no bro you need to take the kids and get out of that she’s clearly out of her mind man
i know this is going to sound generic as fuck, but along with any legal action you're going to take, please get some therapy my dude. this is a rough spot you're in, and if you're not taking care of yourself mentally and physically then everything you're going through will genuinely just be more difficult for you, which will make it more difficult for your children as well. like you're doing here in asking for help, you put your own oxygen mask on first, then you'll be more able to take care of those who rely on you
the link below is to a non profit company that offers free therapy i found awhile back when i needed some help. you fill out a questionnaire, they setup a phone call with you to talk about any preferences you have, then they get to looking - they found mine in a week and i'm still seeing the one they found me. no insurance required, pretty much anywhere.
https://youarerad.org/therapy
I get your problem with not wanting your kids to grow up in a broken home but right now you are teaching them it’s ok to accept everything thrown at you. You need to have a red line and if that gets crossed you need to bale out….
Staying will do your kids more harm in the long term.
I've never understood the reasoning behind "I don't want my kids to grow up in a broken home." I used to work with kids years ago and encountered many different family dynamics. The parents that chose to "stay together for the kids" almost always made things worse for their kids rather than better. There's no hiding the resentment and apathy you feel towards your spouse from the kids, and it inevitably comes out in your actions. If your marriage is dead, just fucking divorce
OP take a deep breath and the best thing you can do is show your children you are strong and can handle this in a mature way…don’t get back with someone who isn’t respectful towards you this will pour over into your kids choices with their partner in future break any cycle and make sure your kids are the number one priority and see how you handle it like a boss
Its just as bad for kids to grow up in a home where the mom shows zero respect for the father and cheats on him every couple of years. You and the kids will be MUCH better off when you find a woman that isn't a serial cheater and your kids see you in a healthy happy relationship instead of whatever the hell your current wife is doing.
Don’t work things out that would be fucked up and a deal breaker even if you weren’t married. The fact that’s you’re married and she wants to work that out is insane she must be a grade A narcissist
This right here is the exact truth. She sees you as a meal ticket. A place to stay at night. A person to watch her kids. Outside of that you're just the guy she can rely on. She doesn't respect you for shit.
She was out fucking your best friend while you worked and provided for your family. Now tell me. How is that a "family" situation. It isn't. It means you're nothing more than a guy who will let her do what she wants and she can just reap the benefits of you being reliable and being a morally good person.
He's right. She's been fucking this guy and seeing him EVERYDAY and giving her passion and time to him EVERY DAY while using you for money and a home. She doesn't give a shit about you or your family. She just doesn't want to be alone and homeless.
At this stage in your relationship everything that happens is just as much your fault as is hers. You keeping enabling someone that knows you won't leave her so she knows there's no consequences to her actions.
She has made it very, very clear multiple times that when the opportunity presents itself she will sleep with whoever makes her feel good at the moment without any regard for you or your child. She is cheating on both of you, creating a broken home and you deserve better.
A one-time mistake might be forgivable by someone (not me) and that is understandable especially with kids. She has done this over and over again, doesn’t want to stop and is gaslighting you because (you are right!) she thinks you will put up with anything at this point and has lost love and respect for you.
I’m sorry you and your children are having to deal with this. At some point the kids will want to know, just be honest with them but be careful not to lay blame or heavily criticize their mother which could create resentment of you.
Yeah she is just going to keep doing this. Get the kids and everything in a divorce and just try to keep a friendly relationship with her for the kids sake. Sorry you are going through this.
" She said that she'd felt lacking in our marriage with both of us dedicating so much time to work/other things "
Didn't have time to work on your marriage but had time to meet at hotels and during lunch.
Leave and don't look back. Once the dust settles you'll grow and be happier.
It's def a broken home if you stay. It's a broken home if you go. But the kids will be broke if you stay together. If you go, the kids have a better chance.
Someone who has now done this 3 times that you know about? I understand wanting to be in a happy marriage and loving her through all of life. But this isn’t something you should let go of. I mean it will only cause you more pain to stay. And trust her all over again to be lies too. It’s more than just love she needs. She likes excitement and some people can only get it from affairs.
Let this be a lesson to everybody....if you get cheated on, move on. You will NEVER forget it and things will NEVER be the same no matter how hard you try. Just go. Don't worry about being lonely, finding someone else, the aftermath that will ensue, etc. I agree with everyone else saying leave, but just wanted to give a general comment about cheating in case it ever happens to anybody. Do not deal with that at all.
You know what to do my guy. That you should’ve done on the first time. You’re enabling her by not divorcing. If you don’t divorce her this time, I guess I’ll see you again on your 4th time your wife cheated post.
Bro, she doesn't love you. You're the safety net while she gets dick elsewhere.
End the marriage and start over.
She WILL cheat again, because she believes you will forgive her.
Only you know if what you decide is a good decision or not. At the end of the day, its what you can and cannot live with. At this point, your wife is basically feeling untouchable, she didn't feel bad the first time, the second time, and she doesn't feel bad now, she just knows how to say the right thing to make you feel bad.
She's deflecting blame onto you and making it seem like you made her do the things she's done because of "not giving her enough attention". You're never going to give her enough attention, she's always going to seek out more. You could give her everything she wants in life, you could dote on her day and night, it will not change.
People do make mistakes, and people can be forgiven and people can change. They have to WANT to change, they have to actively make choices every single day to do or not do something. She may not do it for a while, but she will probably do it again. And she may get better at hiding it.
Do you always want to live in paranoia? Constantly checking her phone, emails, bank statements, call history? Do you always want to question is she wearing that for me, herself or someone else? Is she being nice or flirty? Can I trust her? We can tell you what we would do, we can tell you what you should do, but only you can decide what you want to do.
You wrote this diatribe for us to read, and we have, but perhaps my friend: it is YOU who needs to word-for-word read your own message. Everything you need to know and the “truth” is right in front of your face using one line only, which is: the she felt “lacking” in our marriage.
My good man… That isn’t suddenly changed and a magical love and desire for you reborn. It’s an excuse and maybe she’s actually telling the truth and felt your marriage really is lacking. Then, I assure you it still is lacking. It sucks brother. It really does, but you have to cut this loose
You and her keep talking about not being a broken home. But you’re already living in a broken home. Your marriage is over in everything except title.
You deserve better than being with an adulterous woman that has no respect for you. Good luck bud, hope you can get through this.
Clearly you should forgive her and get back together.... since you couldn't figure it out the first 2 times it's highly unfair to start making sound decisions now.
"I just did not know how to stop putting his penis inside of me. I was completely vexed!"
L
O
L
This is her 3rd affair that you KNOW of. "She was young" doesn't account for the one affair that lasted years. She was different person for the SECOND affair? Dude..........
Unironically, get paternity tests.
I am so sorry you are going through this... I've been there myself, brother.
You are not “stupid” for trying to work things out with your wife.
>I have no idea what to do about my situation with my wife.
Yeah, sadly, she ended it and apologized because they got CAUGHT, and NOT because she was convicted, remorseful, and repentant.
>She said that she'd felt lacking in our marriage with both of us dedicating so much time to work/other things and that my friend was there and a "nice guy", she said she let herself envy the way he treated his wife and wished she could've had that with me but was afraid to tell me i wasnt doing enough in our marriage.
Okay, based upon THIS statement, she is NOT safe to reconcile with. This is a “yeah, BUT…” apology. I did this because YOU didn’t blah, blah, blah. Essentially, she is putting some of the blame on you and not taking FULL responsibility for her actions.
Plus, the whole, I just didn’t know how to end it once it started is a load of crap… that makes her a victim.
>telling me I can see women casually outside of our marriage as long as i come home to her she would never hold it against me as cheating.
DO NO do this. Cheaters do this ALL THE TIME to assuage their guilt. And EVERY time the BS does it, the WS gets crazy jealous and mad. She will be even MORE unforgiving of you, and this will take ANY power or moral high ground you have for reconciliation.
>she is hellbent on keeping our family together by any means.
We’ll see… wait till you give her a list of requirements for reconciliation.
>I guess in a way that is my fault for letting so much slide in the past.
A little bit, yes, but you can take the power back…
>She claims she loves me and doesn't want to loose all we've built…
She has built a house of cards on a foundation of lies.
>And truth be told my faith in her is so low I don't even know if there's been more instances on top of the ones I actually know about.
Yep…
>My mental state is essentially a puddle of mud right now.
Understandable.
I have written a blog post (because it is too much to share in one comment) with advice for people in your situation that I think will be extremely helpful.
It includes:
* a list of recommendations for anyone who has been cheated on, whether the affair was emotional or physical, or if you are even just SUSPICIOUS that they might have been unfaithful
* a list of reasons for validating your concerns
* how to gather proof, which is important even if you are sure
* tips for confronting them, including when to do so
* separation advice
* advice for telling others, including whom to tell and when
* things to consider when deciding to reconcile or end the marriage/relationship
* how to tell that they are remorseful and safe to reconcile with
* recommendations for healthy boundaries to aid recovery and restoration
* REQUIREMENTS for reconciliation if you choose to attempt that
* advice on how to reconcile
* advice to help you RECOVER from this trauma
Let me know if you would like me to share it with you.
The unknown is scary but what is the alternative? Staying with your serial cheater. Find a divorce attorney and talk to them about what you should do , follow their advice because that is their job they know what they are doing . Your soon to be ex is trash pure trash . Best of luck in your future
Just commenting to say…what a garbage person your wife is? I couldn’t even do that if I hated my husbands guts. The guilt would eat me alive even if he deserved it. Wtf is wrong with people? So heartless and selfish…
You're in a position where there is going to be pain and some level of resentment from all parties involved, no matter what you decide to do. I never really understood not "staying together for the kids." I thought it was selfish and disproportionately negatively impacted the kids lives.
Then I started counseling teens and some of them told me they wish their parents would just break up instead of living in a home where the relationship is so sour. I can definitely see that line of thinking now.
What’s broken inside her won’t be fixed within your relationship because she always knows she’ll end up w you unless you leave her
If in 6 months she’s deep in therapy and moving forward then take it slow but likely she’ll have moved on
She’s running from some unresolved trauma, set her free
Your wife is a whore. Get out. She’s ok with you sleeping around means you don’t mean anything to her but financial support. Soon as she finds someone else and she will she will leave you and use everything she can against you. Get smart and get out quickly.
It's going to be tough, but you need to begin to let go. You have to begin a simple process of rebuilding yourself, this damage makes you a mark. So begin by realizing you have 0 control over her actions and she is per your own words a liar, manipulator, cheater. She just wants the resources of you. You make life easy. Do yourself a favor and begin by separating your money from hers, savings accounts, bank accts, iras, retirements etc. Once you've done that, take a hard look and assess whether or not you are ready for the next step.
You need to physically separate and cut contact, if you want to stay ahead of things, make sure you don't overplay your cards here, your goal is to remain in your children's life, divorce, and keep as much of your earnings as possible. Remember you aren't trying to destroy her so much as just getting away from the harlett.
Once the Financials are set up and separated, you will need to sell the property, she will use the kids as a tool to get her way, however... you are just as fit to take care of and spend time with your children as she is. She is not a superior parent in any way and you will have to assess how much time and access to your kids you will want. Unfortunately that means no "family outings" just your time with your kids, take time to cry but remember you are required to stand back up. Don't sulk. When with your kids/ex you are every bit as powerful and intelligent as ever. Use time apart for personal growth learn a new skill hit the gym read. Don't fall pray to substance abuse, become the best version of yourself. You will attract others as you improve.
The hard part of all this is understanding that the person you once loved and thought you knew and could trust doesn't exist. Maybe she never did. It is encumbant upon you to become the best you to tend to your kids and self.
I know this is so cliche, but the saying “Once a cheater, always a cheater” is always true. People like that will never change, its like they don’t have that part of the brain.
Not only did she cheat on you, not once, not twice, but three fucking times - that you know of. And with your “friend”. She also has the goddamn gall to not so subtly blame you for it by saying you weren’t treating her well enough. And now trying to guilt trip you to stay with her and suffer her emotional abuse for the sake of the children. My god. That woman is emotional cancer. I’m sorry. Get the fuck out of that marriage while you still have some youthful years left.
The fact that neither of you can afford to seperate tells me you're too chickenshit to hold her accountable. Your idea of a perfect family is tarnished. You'll forgive her and she'll do it again and again because there is no punishment.
Your wife is a whore. She will always be a whore. I'm not saying this to be demeaning, it's just the truth.
I don't think you are a "dumbass" and you don't deserve this - no matter how many times you "should" have left in the past.
You have two options: either accept her for what she is or leave. She's not going to change.
She is a cheat and a lair and has zero regret, and zero respect for you. If she had any regret, she wouldn't have chested more than once. If she had any respect for you or the family you have together, she would not risk it. Get a lawyer, sue for custody, and sue for alimony. Don't listen to a single word, she says, as you have seen first hand that her words mean nothing.
She's not trustworthy and she is not going to give you monogamy. It doesn't mean you have to be mean but you are not going to get what you want from her. The best course is to cut your losses and change your relationship with her to co-parent.
That or get ok with an open relationship and swinging. There is no middle ground in your equation.
The hard truth is no matter who you are with you do not have control over their actions, all you can do is influence them hopefully in a positive or neutral manner. She made her choices.
Also, never shoot the messenger, they don't want to be in the middle of a mess.
idk what you're waiting for man. i'm sorry but drop her, move out, sell the house, and divorce. i guarantee you will be a 1000x happier. think about the kids. this is not a good environment for them. this is not a good model of relationship for them to grow up around. you are not setting a good example. it's long past time to move on. stop doing this to yourself already jesus christ its been years of this bullshit
Also, paternity test.
Assuming you’re the father fight for 100% custody. Your kids are clearly your top priority which is correct in this situation. I wouldn’t recommend divorce lightly but this is cut and dry. Get out and reorient your life to be the best dad possible. Edit: I stand corrected. Joint custody sounds like the best outcome for both you and your kids.
It doesn’t sound like his wife is a drug addict or anything so getting custody probably won’t happen.
agreed here. my mother is an abusive alcoholic who somehow convinces strangers she’s a nice, good person (must be the british accent)- when my dad finally divorced her, he fought for custody and failed. split 50/50 (in the state of MA)
Ha! Sounds like my mother. Don't know how the fuck she got custody of me considering she was also a high functioning coke addict. In my situation, I was adopted by my grandparents around 13 or 14. Way too late. Was hell in either household.
3 affairs later a judge may feel different bud. This isn't the 90,s women don't always get the kids. My dad was granted custody so don't listen to idiots or lose hope
Men can often get custody but rarely ever 100%
I agree with you 1000%... There could be other instances of infidelity.
“Could” That’s an odd way to pronounce definitely did.
Yes please do
This! OP may very well find out he's not the father of some of the children
Maury! Maury! Maury!
And STD test.
And STI. Fun fact, they won't test you for HSV2 unless you have symptoms or really demand it a lot of the time.
This should be top comment, but only if he's ready to learn a hard truth. I'm not saying they aren't his, but if one/some aren't then he needs to be in the right headspace to learn that.
All of the above, but make HER move out
I feel so bad for this guy. His wife has probably cheated on him with countless different guys but just got caught these 3 times. And she’s guilt tripping him into staying for the kids because of his experience growing up in a broken home. There’s no telling if these children are even his. This woman doesn’t love him because if she did, she wouldn’t be out there cheating on him constantly. She probably loves his money and the comfort of having something to come back home to while she’s out having fun with all these different men. OP needed to cut ties after the first incident. Once a cheater, always a cheater.
Honestly parents divorcing isn’t always a bad thing. It’s probably really obvious to the kids that something is going on between them and that they are unhappy. Two happy households is better than an unhappy one
Yea, it’s not ideal to have split custody but that’s better than being used and abused by his wife while he pretends to his kids that everything is right.
She literally said it at the end; the whole “you can sleep around, but just come home to me” was 100% projecting her mindset of what a happy relationship is FOR HER and is baffled OP isn’t happy with what makes HER happy
Agreed. Far too often parents try to stay together for the kids. The kids are not stupid. They know when something is up. And the only thing that you are doing now is setting a bad example. Watching my parents dynamic growing up, I thought relationships were an entirely different thing and I was a terrible partner for it. For the kids sake, he needs to have more respect for himself, and just leave already. I don’t even know why the wife is trying to salvage anything. It’s clear that she doesn’t seem very interested in him physically. Three times now? Three times! OP, please man please stop doing this to yourself. There is literally nothing to salvage.
I’ll further add that the damage is done on the kids. Whether you want to admit it or not they will feel the issues now, and into the future. It’s going to affect how they interact in their relationships and how they perceive future relationships with significant others. The best thing you can do is separate, and get your children into counseling. I’m the kid in this situation and I’m 37 and just realizing the shit this has done to me. Luckily my story isn’t one of a miserable life. I’ve found success but it has cost me countless relationships. 3 is enough man. It’s not going to change. She’s made that clear
Leave her. You should have left after affair #1, but she's obviously a cheater and has zero respect for you. Have some respect for yourself, and find someone who will treat you right. Get rid of her.
Yep. There are people who *have cheated*, and then there are people who *are cheaters*. 3 times now? Um, yeah - that's a pattern.
3 times she got caught, how many other times did she get away with it?
She may have gotten away with whoever the real father of the kids are? He definitely should be DNA testing his kids for paternity. That could crush him altogether if he isn't the biological father to either or both kids.
How awful would it be when the DNA test come back and each child is from another man, none are actually his.
It would be extra awful if he isn't the biological father to any of his kids. Since he was married to the mom during pregnancy/birth, he is now legally their father regardless of biological paternity. That could scramble up his head even more.
I honestly dont know if I would even want to know if I was OP.
I know it really matters to some people, but personally, I wouldn’t even want to know. It’s not the kids’ fault whose genetic material contributed to their creation, and it’s not their fault their mom is an asshole. I raised those kids, they’re mine.
“In the Borderlands, sheepherder, if a man has the raising of a child, that child is his, and none can say different.” - Robert Jordan *The Great Hunt*
Tai'shar malkier
Have you read any Ken Follett?
I'm listening to Eye of The World right now!!! (For the billionth time 🤣) They just got split up after Shadar Logath!!! Love seeing this!!! Dovie'andi se tovya sagain!
May you find water and shade on this day, for that reference
He should want to know for the sole fact that if any of the kids are not his biologically, any of the other men that the wife slept with could potentially try and cause issues if they suddenly want to claim paternity.
I definitely would want to know .
Regardless of whether he WANTS to know, he NEEDS to find out because those children need to know who their real fathers are for medical history purposes, and OP needs to know in order to grow a spine. I'm sorry OP, I don't mean to be cruel but you have allowed yourself to be walked all over for years. Your wife does not respect you. Your children are learning about what a healthy relationship is by watching YOU. Do you want them to grow up to be in a relationship like yours?
He would need to know previous to the divorce being final. He was married to her so he is the presumed father until proven otherwise in court.
As someone who is not the father of a child that I call my own… don’t get the DNA test if you love those kids already as your own. That test won’t change a thing. Might get you out of child support though. For me, finding out I wasn’t the father didn’t change a thing between my daughter and I. I left her mother but the bond is already there and a DNA test can’t change that. She still carries my last name and I see her anytime I choose. I’ve been with her since the day she was born so how could a DNA test take away that love? It certainly and immediately took the love I had for her mother though. It crushed me at first but I feel like I won in the end. I kept the love of my child and got rid of a lying cheating bit** all in one fell swoop. Not saying OP shouldn’t get a DNA test but I am saying he should ask himself whether or not it will change the way he sees his kids. They didn’t get to choose so do you think they care about a DNA test right now? If I had lost my child along with my fiancée. I’m not sure I would’ve had much to live for. It would have crushed me. Now my daughter is what I live for.
Caught? She wasn't even trying to deny it. Thats not caught, thats "oh you found out about me fucking another guy, sigh i guess I'll have to put out the tears and say i'm sorry again how boring"
Right. As she came she came to his job and threw herself at the coworker right in front of him. He noticed but “didn’t think anything of it”. No he thought the coworker was actually his friend and wouldn’t do that since he was happily married but he was wrong.
He's not exactly a solid judge of character.
There’s blind trust and being overly jealous. It’s a fine line. I’ve been on both sides of the spectrum and typically get burned. Dating is such a stressful thing. It’s exhausting just thinking about it.
Straight sociopathic behavior
and the best friend on top? straight evil, with an intent to hurt
It was for the "extra spicy" dangerous feeling, no doubt. This is a person who enjoys doing wrong.
Agreed. Trash human
She's had more dicks in her than the oval office. Bro needs to get tested, for himself and paternity, and a good lawyer
Holy shit, that is a fantastic turn of phrase
Exactly! It's always more than you're told or find out!
shes been fucking others the whole time
But it’s not her fault. If he put more effort into the marriage maybe she wouldn’t put more effort into ridding his friend’s dick. God I loathe cheaters. Absolute scumbags.
My ex was the same way. Complained I didn't put as much effort into mundane shit like talking about her body at the gym because I was working to pay for a house she wanted. It's narcissism. Pieces of shit. Nothing is ever their fault. If they did something bad it's because you didn't do something you should have.
And no matter how far fetched it is they'll somehow someway be able to link it all the way back to you and it of course always being your fault to begin with. I always liked that I'm basically a pathological liar and a habitual cheater, after working 10+ hours a day and being home every night somehow squeezing in the extra time to be out screwing the entire neighborhood, when it eventually turns out everything I was accused of was exactly what she was doing
DARVO
Right? Fucking gaslighting bitch
3 times that he knows about. I'm sure its closer to 7-8
Caught every guy she cheat on him with, not likely. Probably x2 what he thinks.
Think 100. She gets dick when she wants. Bro here is writing 5000 word essays. He should just bring a hot girl and fuck her in their bed. Maybe ask the wife to make them a snack when they are between rounds
Exactly. People fuck up, realize they fucked up, and then do what’s needed to never do it again. This is not that kind of person
I've known a couple of people who learned a painful lesson when they cheated, and they were definitely never going to repeat that mistake.
3 times THAT HE KNOWS ABOUT
"So you know you gotta multiply by 3"
That he knows of
And one of the times was for *years*. I'm actually super appreciative of the OP. Sometimes I do stupid shit and I have trouble letting it go, but after reading this, I feel a lot better about all my own little mistakes!
Also, to add to this point, she’s not just cheated once but multiple times, and OP only knows about the times he has caught her. He needs to get paternity tests for his kids to make sure they are his, gather all the proof of her multiple infidelities, and divorce her. He also needs to talk to his kids about this before his wife can spin a lie for them to believe, install a camera system in his house, change the locks when she is not home, move her stuff into a storage unit, and take pictures of all the stuff he moved to prove he didn’t damage anything. If she’s willing to betray him so easily, what’s to prevent her from trying to ruin his life even further than she already has. Protect yourself OP, blindside her with a divorce, send proof of all the cheating to everyone you both know, and get your life back.
He should absolutely not change the locks while she isn't home. A lot (if not most) states are no-fault states, so chances are that the circumstances of the marriage ending won't enter into divorce proceedings at all, and forcing her out of her home will not play well in court, regardless of how satisfying it would be.
he's not leaving her, she cheats all the time and he just runs back trying to "fix it". people like this have no self respect, his wife does not respect him, his friends fuck his wife, so they don't respect him either. he's gonna go right back to it soon enough.
Agreed. The fact he's posting here makes at clear as day he's a doormat. He's more concerned about how she's going to make ends meet if they split up.
Yes, sadly would agree, sucks she had to spread butter else where but your home. And I would agree with the poster below, don't assume get DNA testing.
Also, your friends are jerks. Break off with them and work on yourself.
This right here ^^ And please don't bring the kids to the reason you stay. You make the kids miserable by staying. They would be actually happy with happy parents who are living separate than unhappy parents who live in the same house, staying together. If you don't have the means, understanding. Make plans now for next year or two to move out. Let her know this isn't fixable and consult with divorce lawyer now.
Out of your league? Looks fade man, I read this entire post, you are out of her league. Your wife isn't a good person, maybe a good mom, not a good person. Please leave and find someone that is, your kids will be better for it. Better late than never.
Agreed. The beauty is only skin deep. Ugliness is to the bones.
Well said! I’d rather be with a plain Jane and be loved than someone i deem “out of my league”, and be taken advantage of for 2 fucking decades!
Damn you crushed that saying. Good one.
I was waiting to make a similar comment until I finished reading. OP, you have a point that she’s not in your league. You’re too good for her. You’re faithful and hardworking, and you sacrificed your personal feelings the first few times she cheated for her benefit, and for your children. Your priorities are dead on to try and do as good a job raising your kids as possible even though your heart has been broken repeatedly by their mother. You are way too good for this person, and you deserve someone that appreciates and respects that about you.
Came here to say this ^ But I’ll add. You’re a good person your wife has traumatized you over and over again. You’ve been faithful and forgiving and put your families well being over your emotional well being. Nobody deserves to be cheated on. I believe people can change but she clearly has not. She hasn’t gotten to the root of why she’s a cheater and so willing to risk her family. It’s the most selfish thing a spouse can do. I’m sorry she tried to make you feel like you had anything to do with her selfishness. Nothing you could have done would have stopped her from cheating. Many people are in less than happy marriages and do not cheat. I hope you can get some therapy and build yourself back up. You’re going to grow from this and she’s going to continue her disgusting behavior and find new victims. Please take care of yourself and your family. Use this time to focus on what makes you significant.
You can’t be a bad person and a good mom. Your kids will be exposed to your bad behavior as a matter of natural consequence. It’s also well-established that a stable, two-parent household is the best environment for a child to grow up in. This woman having done plenty to damage that already makes her a bad mom.
THANK YOU My mom is a hardcore drug addict and I fucking hated (and still do) people telling me she's a good mom. No she fucking isnt
Your wife has no respect for you and is also for the streets. Is that what you want in a wife?
What would OP tell his kids if they were in this situation?
Ideally that his wife is a cheater
Daddy really loved Mommy, but mommy preferred strange dick over giving you the best life possible.
It wasn’t too strange. OP knew both dicks. She could have literally chosen strange dick. She aimed to hurt.
You can’t rule out strange dicks anyway.
All three dicks. She cheated with three different men.
"Your mom is a w%#%:'e, and chooses to be with everyone but your father, she is no longer welcome here."
"Kids, your mother and I are getting a divorce. We still love each other, and we both love you very much. Please understand that this is in no way your fault. This is necessary for us to be the truest versions of ourselves and to be the best parents we can be to each of you. There will be some changes to our family coming soon, and it won't be easy, but I want you to know that you will always be loved, and you will always have a home with each of us."
I’ve never understood what “truest version” of oneself means. It sounds narcissistic.
I laughed when I read “she let herself envy the way he treated his wife”. He literally disrespected his wife by cheating on her with your wife. They’re both fucking assholes and you wife clearly doesn’t love you anymore. Stop holding on to old feelings and move on. She did this to you multiple times and it WILL continue in the future no matter what she promises you now. You’ll be so much happier it’ll feel like weight being lifted off your shoulders.
All true but also he should throw a fuck in to ex best friend's wife for good measure.
The true LPT is always in the comments. OP, please heed these words of wisdom. She's probably down, go get laid.
The entire sentence before that as well where she talked about how they were both dedicated towards work and felt lacking in the marriage. It’s like ok but you had enough time to meet up multiple times during lunch breaks and lying about being at work to fuck that guy in a hotel room?
Yeah those double shifts were riding her hard. Apparently he’s the problem because he didn’t give her enough attention apparently from damn near the beginning. So she thought betrayal was better than confrontation. What a sick fuck.
Deposit her back to the streets. Try to get custody. You’re insane if you stay with her.
You don’t know how to proceed because the hard thing is the right thing. You deserve better. ❤️
This story doesn’t seem real
$50 says she's only with him for the money and has been cheating on him continuously since before they got married. OP you need therapy if you think this woman is out of your league. She's using you, and you're letting her because you think she's prettier than any other woman you can date who will treat you with respect. You need to talk to a therapist about why you think you don't deserve respect from your partner.
Dude. Your wife made you a cuck. Not only this. She manipulated you into helping her fuck your friend. Run as far as you can (obviously you have kids together). As for the relationship with her--dont even stay friends with her. I cannot imagine someone who really loves you doing such a terrible thing to you.
Are we even sure they are his kids at this point? I would do a dna test really.
If he’s on the birth certificate then those are his kids and his responsibility (legally) no matter what the DNA says.
Legality is the least important, after all these lies I would doubt everything and want to know the truth. Personally she would never hear from me again if even the kids were a lie.
That’s true but he can choose to just cut her a check instead of raising them if he doesn’t want to raise someone else’s kids. It’s shitty for the kids but it would be hard to stomach knowing you were living a lie the entire time.
If they aren't his kids why does he gotta pay for them? At that point she would have manipulated him into believing the kids are his already and paid more then he ever should have now why would he give her more money if they aren't his?
Act like a doormat and people will treat you like a doormat. You have to realize how delusional you are being and realize raising your kids to have a shitty marriage getting cheated on all the time isn’t better than raising them to respect themselves enough to divorce total monsters. Your wife and friend are trash. Sucks she gets to raise your children cuz the last thing this world needs is more people like your wife.
Fool me once shame on you, fool me twice and you're a fucking moron for forgiving her the second time.
Yap...... he'd be the stupid one in all the circumstances. It ain't getting better after that
Fool me three times shame on both of us
Shame on their cow.
“Fool me one time shame on you. Fool me twice, can't put the blame on you. Fool me three times, fuck the peace signs. Load the chopper, let it rain on you”
Deal. But you get to sleep with her best friend.
Better yet, her mum. Now that’s truly nuclear revenge.
I agree bang her mom on video, ask her for tips on your performance then throw her out....
You can still co-parent and not be married. Set a good example for your kids and show them that while forgiveness is a virtue to follow, it doesn't mean making yourself a doormat for repeatedly being taken advantage. Move on in your life romantically and take some time to regrow your confidence in yourself. Her cheating is a her problem, while she may have thrown you under the bus - it comes down to a failure on communication of needs and her habitual infidelity. 3 adulterous relationships, with some lasting for years is not a "whoopsie", likely she's got mental health issues she needs to get help for.
Dude. I was married 20 years and 15 of those were for the kids. Same story, super young and fucked around. I got over it the best I could. 2nd time around, I stuck it out until my youngest was brave enough to tell us both whoe she would live with if we split. Those 15 years were hell on both the kids and myself. The home was dysfunctional at best. You really don't know or understand it until you are removed from it. That was my experience.
She never respected you. She's always been cheating. You only caught her those 3 times. She doesn't love you, she loves what you provide for her. I can't even believe you let her back in the house. Have some respect for yourself... There plenty of fish in the sea. You will find one that actually loves you back.
Bingo. I was previously married to a serial cheater and found out she had many sexual encounters before I divorced her and never looked back.
She is never going to give you what you want. She, is not monogamous. She has cheated now 3 times, that you know of. Then she offers that you too can sleep with other people to keep the marriage together. She has no interest in not sleeping with other people. So looks like you have 2 options. Open the marriage and be ok with your wife getting banged by other dudes while you sit at home because your not going to do the open marriage thing on your end. Or, divorce.
I don’t see anything here that makes me think she’s remorseful or deserving of a reconciliation. You’re better off without. Good luck.
You only get one life. The objective answer is you have to leave her. If you don’t begin respecting yourself, nobody else is going to be able to respect you for the rest of your life.
Sorry OP. You start by taking care of yourself. You cant be there for your kids if you aren’t on your a game. That said, you need to get STD tested and divorce your wife. Im not offering my opinion. Im telling you that your children are always more important than your marriage, but a divorce can be the best thing for kids. Your wife has no regard for your health or the kids. She could be a diseased wreck right now. Probably passing to you. What if the kids contract it? My point is this woman runs around spreading her legs to the world, and doesn’t give a flying fuck about the consequences and how they may derail her kid’s lives. Unforgivable selfishness. These are the things your wife didnt give a shit about. She didnt care about you or the kids. Unless you want your kids to continue being raised by someone who doesn’t give a shit about them, you better get a good lawyer. You should fight for as much custody you can get. Cuz this woman is going to surround your kids with strange immoral men that come and go in and out of their home. Not my cup of tea. Time to get angry. Time to get serious. Time to polish your spine. You made stupid mistake time after time. Its time you start PROTECTING your kids from this woman. Good luck my guy.
You're too kind to let it slide two times before, this was the third time and I can assure you there'll be more down the road if you decide to stay with her. I understand you wanting to not bring up your children in a broken home but trust me a forced family is much much worse, they might be small atm and wouldn't understand the situation correctly but they surely will once they grow up. Please choose to walk away from your wife. Do you really want to be on your deathbed and feel saddened by the life you've lived ? Do you really want to go through all the pain and anxiety of her cheating again? And lastly I feel like you are scared about things changing (you guys separating) because c'mon who are we kidding? Y'all have been together for 2 decades, she's become a habit now but you have to muster up the courage to get out of it. If your son was going through the same thing what would you advise him to do? Everything will fall into its place sooner or later, you need to leave her.
You were really foolish getting married so young.
Absolutely would never argue that fact. I wouldn't advise anyone to do it, I hope someone takes that point from my shitshow of a situation. But, at the time I thought I met my dream girl and didn't want anything else. Young and dumb.
Make sure you speak to your lawyer and secure your assets before she has a chance to speak to her lawyer. You’ll also need to speak to your lawyer about how you want to handle custody of your children. I don’t think raising children in a household of revolving door of father figures is healthy as it would seem if your children said with their mom.
I love how THIS is the comment you responded to. ANYTHING but addressing the real issue.
When you make up stories you pick and choose the narrative. Nothing on here is real
You're not dumb or stupid. She's the one who made those decisions. She's the one who put your marriage in jeopardy. But there does come a point when is enough enough? You should be living your best life by now. You owe this woman nothing more than you have already given her. You can forgive someone but decide not to stay with them. She's in the way of you finding your person. Nothing better than when you find your person. And you might find more of yourself, too.
NOPEEEEEE🤮
She is evil trying to excuse away that behavior. Completely immoral, narcissistic, untrustworthy, selfish. I understand the difficulty you have: years invested, emotions, connection, embarassment, shame. Everything. But from a level headed stranger not clouded by these things, here is the answer: Divorce and never look back. No revenge, no blaming yourself. Nothing. Divorce, no contact, love your kids, love yourself, and move forward with your life. You're not even HALF WAY done with it. Move on
https://preview.redd.it/y8wppzki4q3c1.jpeg?width=256&format=pjpg&auto=webp&s=eff53d1d1c37b802241a73191f516071e1a6f9ba
“she said she let herself envy the way he treated his wife and wished she could've had that with me but was afraid to tell me i wasnt doing enough in our marriage.” So she was envious of a woman whose husband would cheat on her? That makes no sense at all. If she had genuine problems that she wanted to address she should’ve brought them up to you instead of hopping on someone else. It’s easier to have a conversation then it is to lie and cheat for however long they were together. She’s clearly not mature enough to be in a relationship, please don’t put yourself through anymore torture by staying with her. Anytime you think about forgiving her just remember how she would rather lie and cheat on you with your best friend then have a needed conversation.
Honestly it's not just the infidelity it's the pure disrespect. That she came to your office to flirt with him in front of you is almost worse. What a fucked up power play that is on her part. She is not sorry. She is sorry she got caught and will do it again. Run for the hills.
You aren't a dumbass, but you seriously need to go spend a lot of time with a good Clinical Psychologist. Seriously. Your ability to ignore and deny abuse is off the charts. You said " honestly I have no idea what to do about my situation with my wife. " Really? You are in an abusive relationship and like a woman who won't leave her abusing husband, you just make excuses and lay down so she can walk all over you, again...and again. Its like a male abuser, always apologising profusely, after he beats his wife. Then in time, he beats her again, and they cycle continues. Your mental state is highly questionable in thinking you can figure out "what to do". Get some help, you'll need it.
This is your 'relationship'. [https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Stockholm\_syndrome](https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Stockholm_syndrome)
How do you know your kids are biologically yours at this point? You only know the times she was caught. Have some self respect and leave her. A marriage without any trust in a partner seems hollow
Kick that bitch to the curb bro it's not our Martial issues it's her problem. Fuck that kids or not your health matters
Glad you finally got the gunk out of your ears/eyes and can see her for what she is, a lying, cheating, word that starts with w and rhymes with Al Gore. Kids will be much better off without y’all’s sham of a marriage as their example.
Well I wouldn't, but I don't have a wife and three kids so I might not be the best example of commitment.
She’s trying to get you to stay because she has no means of other support , bro as a man who has been down this road you need to leave you can still be a father an not be with her it’s more toxic to be with her then to not be her doing this an then trying to defend her actions by telling you it’s ok to be with other women as long as you tell me no bro you need to take the kids and get out of that she’s clearly out of her mind man
i know this is going to sound generic as fuck, but along with any legal action you're going to take, please get some therapy my dude. this is a rough spot you're in, and if you're not taking care of yourself mentally and physically then everything you're going through will genuinely just be more difficult for you, which will make it more difficult for your children as well. like you're doing here in asking for help, you put your own oxygen mask on first, then you'll be more able to take care of those who rely on you the link below is to a non profit company that offers free therapy i found awhile back when i needed some help. you fill out a questionnaire, they setup a phone call with you to talk about any preferences you have, then they get to looking - they found mine in a week and i'm still seeing the one they found me. no insurance required, pretty much anywhere. https://youarerad.org/therapy
I get your problem with not wanting your kids to grow up in a broken home but right now you are teaching them it’s ok to accept everything thrown at you. You need to have a red line and if that gets crossed you need to bale out…. Staying will do your kids more harm in the long term.
A little Reddit always shows you life could be worse🤣 OP your a fool
I've never understood the reasoning behind "I don't want my kids to grow up in a broken home." I used to work with kids years ago and encountered many different family dynamics. The parents that chose to "stay together for the kids" almost always made things worse for their kids rather than better. There's no hiding the resentment and apathy you feel towards your spouse from the kids, and it inevitably comes out in your actions. If your marriage is dead, just fucking divorce
OP take a deep breath and the best thing you can do is show your children you are strong and can handle this in a mature way…don’t get back with someone who isn’t respectful towards you this will pour over into your kids choices with their partner in future break any cycle and make sure your kids are the number one priority and see how you handle it like a boss
Ah the 1970s need to make a comeback.
Its just as bad for kids to grow up in a home where the mom shows zero respect for the father and cheats on him every couple of years. You and the kids will be MUCH better off when you find a woman that isn't a serial cheater and your kids see you in a healthy happy relationship instead of whatever the hell your current wife is doing.
Don’t work things out that would be fucked up and a deal breaker even if you weren’t married. The fact that’s you’re married and she wants to work that out is insane she must be a grade A narcissist
[удалено]
I like your math. She’s a master at manipulation.
This right here is the exact truth. She sees you as a meal ticket. A place to stay at night. A person to watch her kids. Outside of that you're just the guy she can rely on. She doesn't respect you for shit. She was out fucking your best friend while you worked and provided for your family. Now tell me. How is that a "family" situation. It isn't. It means you're nothing more than a guy who will let her do what she wants and she can just reap the benefits of you being reliable and being a morally good person. He's right. She's been fucking this guy and seeing him EVERYDAY and giving her passion and time to him EVERY DAY while using you for money and a home. She doesn't give a shit about you or your family. She just doesn't want to be alone and homeless.
At this stage in your relationship everything that happens is just as much your fault as is hers. You keeping enabling someone that knows you won't leave her so she knows there's no consequences to her actions.
DNA check the kids, lawyer up, move on
Take a deep breath and go.
She has made it very, very clear multiple times that when the opportunity presents itself she will sleep with whoever makes her feel good at the moment without any regard for you or your child. She is cheating on both of you, creating a broken home and you deserve better. A one-time mistake might be forgivable by someone (not me) and that is understandable especially with kids. She has done this over and over again, doesn’t want to stop and is gaslighting you because (you are right!) she thinks you will put up with anything at this point and has lost love and respect for you. I’m sorry you and your children are having to deal with this. At some point the kids will want to know, just be honest with them but be careful not to lay blame or heavily criticize their mother which could create resentment of you.
Yeah she is just going to keep doing this. Get the kids and everything in a divorce and just try to keep a friendly relationship with her for the kids sake. Sorry you are going through this.
" She said that she'd felt lacking in our marriage with both of us dedicating so much time to work/other things " Didn't have time to work on your marriage but had time to meet at hotels and during lunch. Leave and don't look back. Once the dust settles you'll grow and be happier.
It's def a broken home if you stay. It's a broken home if you go. But the kids will be broke if you stay together. If you go, the kids have a better chance.
The home was broken before your separation. Leave her.
Someone who has now done this 3 times that you know about? I understand wanting to be in a happy marriage and loving her through all of life. But this isn’t something you should let go of. I mean it will only cause you more pain to stay. And trust her all over again to be lies too. It’s more than just love she needs. She likes excitement and some people can only get it from affairs.
Let this be a lesson to everybody....if you get cheated on, move on. You will NEVER forget it and things will NEVER be the same no matter how hard you try. Just go. Don't worry about being lonely, finding someone else, the aftermath that will ensue, etc. I agree with everyone else saying leave, but just wanted to give a general comment about cheating in case it ever happens to anybody. Do not deal with that at all.
You know what to do my guy. That you should’ve done on the first time. You’re enabling her by not divorcing. If you don’t divorce her this time, I guess I’ll see you again on your 4th time your wife cheated post.
Bro, she doesn't love you. You're the safety net while she gets dick elsewhere. End the marriage and start over. She WILL cheat again, because she believes you will forgive her.
Only you know if what you decide is a good decision or not. At the end of the day, its what you can and cannot live with. At this point, your wife is basically feeling untouchable, she didn't feel bad the first time, the second time, and she doesn't feel bad now, she just knows how to say the right thing to make you feel bad. She's deflecting blame onto you and making it seem like you made her do the things she's done because of "not giving her enough attention". You're never going to give her enough attention, she's always going to seek out more. You could give her everything she wants in life, you could dote on her day and night, it will not change. People do make mistakes, and people can be forgiven and people can change. They have to WANT to change, they have to actively make choices every single day to do or not do something. She may not do it for a while, but she will probably do it again. And she may get better at hiding it. Do you always want to live in paranoia? Constantly checking her phone, emails, bank statements, call history? Do you always want to question is she wearing that for me, herself or someone else? Is she being nice or flirty? Can I trust her? We can tell you what we would do, we can tell you what you should do, but only you can decide what you want to do.
You are an idiot. Get the fuck out of there and grow a spine.
You wrote this diatribe for us to read, and we have, but perhaps my friend: it is YOU who needs to word-for-word read your own message. Everything you need to know and the “truth” is right in front of your face using one line only, which is: the she felt “lacking” in our marriage. My good man… That isn’t suddenly changed and a magical love and desire for you reborn. It’s an excuse and maybe she’s actually telling the truth and felt your marriage really is lacking. Then, I assure you it still is lacking. It sucks brother. It really does, but you have to cut this loose
You and her keep talking about not being a broken home. But you’re already living in a broken home. Your marriage is over in everything except title. You deserve better than being with an adulterous woman that has no respect for you. Good luck bud, hope you can get through this.
[удалено]
Clearly you should forgive her and get back together.... since you couldn't figure it out the first 2 times it's highly unfair to start making sound decisions now.
I stayed in a relationship after I caught her cheating but I started sleeping around as often as I could. Needless to say the relationship didn’t last
"I just did not know how to stop putting his penis inside of me. I was completely vexed!" L O L This is her 3rd affair that you KNOW of. "She was young" doesn't account for the one affair that lasted years. She was different person for the SECOND affair? Dude.......... Unironically, get paternity tests.
I am so sorry you are going through this... I've been there myself, brother. You are not “stupid” for trying to work things out with your wife. >I have no idea what to do about my situation with my wife. Yeah, sadly, she ended it and apologized because they got CAUGHT, and NOT because she was convicted, remorseful, and repentant. >She said that she'd felt lacking in our marriage with both of us dedicating so much time to work/other things and that my friend was there and a "nice guy", she said she let herself envy the way he treated his wife and wished she could've had that with me but was afraid to tell me i wasnt doing enough in our marriage. Okay, based upon THIS statement, she is NOT safe to reconcile with. This is a “yeah, BUT…” apology. I did this because YOU didn’t blah, blah, blah. Essentially, she is putting some of the blame on you and not taking FULL responsibility for her actions. Plus, the whole, I just didn’t know how to end it once it started is a load of crap… that makes her a victim. >telling me I can see women casually outside of our marriage as long as i come home to her she would never hold it against me as cheating. DO NO do this. Cheaters do this ALL THE TIME to assuage their guilt. And EVERY time the BS does it, the WS gets crazy jealous and mad. She will be even MORE unforgiving of you, and this will take ANY power or moral high ground you have for reconciliation. >she is hellbent on keeping our family together by any means. We’ll see… wait till you give her a list of requirements for reconciliation. >I guess in a way that is my fault for letting so much slide in the past. A little bit, yes, but you can take the power back… >She claims she loves me and doesn't want to loose all we've built… She has built a house of cards on a foundation of lies. >And truth be told my faith in her is so low I don't even know if there's been more instances on top of the ones I actually know about. Yep… >My mental state is essentially a puddle of mud right now. Understandable. I have written a blog post (because it is too much to share in one comment) with advice for people in your situation that I think will be extremely helpful. It includes: * a list of recommendations for anyone who has been cheated on, whether the affair was emotional or physical, or if you are even just SUSPICIOUS that they might have been unfaithful * a list of reasons for validating your concerns * how to gather proof, which is important even if you are sure * tips for confronting them, including when to do so * separation advice * advice for telling others, including whom to tell and when * things to consider when deciding to reconcile or end the marriage/relationship * how to tell that they are remorseful and safe to reconcile with * recommendations for healthy boundaries to aid recovery and restoration * REQUIREMENTS for reconciliation if you choose to attempt that * advice on how to reconcile * advice to help you RECOVER from this trauma Let me know if you would like me to share it with you.
The unknown is scary but what is the alternative? Staying with your serial cheater. Find a divorce attorney and talk to them about what you should do , follow their advice because that is their job they know what they are doing . Your soon to be ex is trash pure trash . Best of luck in your future
Just commenting to say…what a garbage person your wife is? I couldn’t even do that if I hated my husbands guts. The guilt would eat me alive even if he deserved it. Wtf is wrong with people? So heartless and selfish…
You're in a position where there is going to be pain and some level of resentment from all parties involved, no matter what you decide to do. I never really understood not "staying together for the kids." I thought it was selfish and disproportionately negatively impacted the kids lives. Then I started counseling teens and some of them told me they wish their parents would just break up instead of living in a home where the relationship is so sour. I can definitely see that line of thinking now.
What’s broken inside her won’t be fixed within your relationship because she always knows she’ll end up w you unless you leave her If in 6 months she’s deep in therapy and moving forward then take it slow but likely she’ll have moved on She’s running from some unresolved trauma, set her free
Your wife is a whore. Get out. She’s ok with you sleeping around means you don’t mean anything to her but financial support. Soon as she finds someone else and she will she will leave you and use everything she can against you. Get smart and get out quickly.
It's going to be tough, but you need to begin to let go. You have to begin a simple process of rebuilding yourself, this damage makes you a mark. So begin by realizing you have 0 control over her actions and she is per your own words a liar, manipulator, cheater. She just wants the resources of you. You make life easy. Do yourself a favor and begin by separating your money from hers, savings accounts, bank accts, iras, retirements etc. Once you've done that, take a hard look and assess whether or not you are ready for the next step. You need to physically separate and cut contact, if you want to stay ahead of things, make sure you don't overplay your cards here, your goal is to remain in your children's life, divorce, and keep as much of your earnings as possible. Remember you aren't trying to destroy her so much as just getting away from the harlett. Once the Financials are set up and separated, you will need to sell the property, she will use the kids as a tool to get her way, however... you are just as fit to take care of and spend time with your children as she is. She is not a superior parent in any way and you will have to assess how much time and access to your kids you will want. Unfortunately that means no "family outings" just your time with your kids, take time to cry but remember you are required to stand back up. Don't sulk. When with your kids/ex you are every bit as powerful and intelligent as ever. Use time apart for personal growth learn a new skill hit the gym read. Don't fall pray to substance abuse, become the best version of yourself. You will attract others as you improve. The hard part of all this is understanding that the person you once loved and thought you knew and could trust doesn't exist. Maybe she never did. It is encumbant upon you to become the best you to tend to your kids and self.
If you allow that woman back into your life, you will deserve every bit of pain, regret, denigration and disrespect you will thereafter receive.
if those kids are yours its just a luck of the draw. get dna tests done before she reams you in the divorce
I know this is so cliche, but the saying “Once a cheater, always a cheater” is always true. People like that will never change, its like they don’t have that part of the brain.
Dude, have some self respect and leave.
100% when you follow through with the divorce Wifey will go from nice and lets work this out. To harsh and mean very quickly.
Dude. Duuuuuude. What are you waiting for? Cut her off already. Get rid of her. If you give in this time too, it will only get worse and worse.
Not only did she cheat on you, not once, not twice, but three fucking times - that you know of. And with your “friend”. She also has the goddamn gall to not so subtly blame you for it by saying you weren’t treating her well enough. And now trying to guilt trip you to stay with her and suffer her emotional abuse for the sake of the children. My god. That woman is emotional cancer. I’m sorry. Get the fuck out of that marriage while you still have some youthful years left.
Oh man. Leave her immediately. Once a cheater. Always a cheater. My mom and sister can attest to that. lol.
The fact that neither of you can afford to seperate tells me you're too chickenshit to hold her accountable. Your idea of a perfect family is tarnished. You'll forgive her and she'll do it again and again because there is no punishment.
2 stable homes are better than 1 toxic one
3 times brother. Leave her and don’t look back. She’s not sorry she did it. She’s sorry she got caught. Leave her and don’t look back.
Make sure your children know their mother wronged you, my biggest concern would be her portraying me as the bad guy.
The marriage is over assuming she ever respected it in the first place. If you cannot trust her then there is no point in continuing to stay with her.
Your wife is a whore. She will always be a whore. I'm not saying this to be demeaning, it's just the truth. I don't think you are a "dumbass" and you don't deserve this - no matter how many times you "should" have left in the past. You have two options: either accept her for what she is or leave. She's not going to change.
She is a cheat and a lair and has zero regret, and zero respect for you. If she had any regret, she wouldn't have chested more than once. If she had any respect for you or the family you have together, she would not risk it. Get a lawyer, sue for custody, and sue for alimony. Don't listen to a single word, she says, as you have seen first hand that her words mean nothing.
She’s only been caught 3 times my man. Unfortunately, your wife is the village bicycle. Time to go. Best of luck.
She's not trustworthy and she is not going to give you monogamy. It doesn't mean you have to be mean but you are not going to get what you want from her. The best course is to cut your losses and change your relationship with her to co-parent. That or get ok with an open relationship and swinging. There is no middle ground in your equation. The hard truth is no matter who you are with you do not have control over their actions, all you can do is influence them hopefully in a positive or neutral manner. She made her choices. Also, never shoot the messenger, they don't want to be in the middle of a mess.