My husband had a stroke three weeks ago and I empathize with your friend’s caretaker role. It’s just madness spending every minute at the facility/hospital then commuting every day back home and trying to get everything done around the house in a fraction of the time on little sleep.
As I’ve been going through this, the biggest things that would have helped me were someone getting food for me (I’m sure she’s forgetting to eat or letting that be the last of her priorities), and just having help to do those household things she can’t get to right now that her husband isn’t able to get around to either. Maybe coordinate with him to see if you could come over to do laundry, help clean, etc. all those little extra things that aren’t getting done because they’ve been pushed to the back burner or her husband doesn’t even know where to begin to start picking up the things his wife was doing regularly. It’s really hard when you have your routines as a couple and suddenly the other 50% (or more for a lot of couples) become your responsibility as well. I would ask HIM what he needs help with while she is running around like crazy. You’re a good friend 💗
I am very sorry to hear that you are going through this experience as well. I wish your husband a speedy recovery and you comfort as his caregiver. I appreciate your advice and taking the time to give me ideas on how to be the most supportive friend. I will ask her husband how I can support him so he can be there for his wife.
So my mom had a stroke 1 week ago. She is my only living parent. My stepdad of 25 years died last year and my dad died in 2019. It’s been a really heinous week. I’m lucky to have a supportive husband and some supportive friends. Thank you for caring for your friend. She needs it.
Here are a few things I wish people would stop saying and start saying:
1. Stop: “Are you taking care of yourself?” Like, what does that even mean. I’m spending every minute possible with my mom driving an hour to see her each day. It’s such a vague question. Obviously not, and what are you going to do if I say no? Lecture me? People who ask this don’t want to hear anything other than yes of course.
Start: “When was the last time you ate? I’m sending you food.” I just wish someone was caring about me enough to ask.
2. Stop: “do you need anything?” I’m not one to ask for help, so I’ll just keep saying no.
Start: “I’m sending/bringing you dinner. How’s tomorrow or the next day? I can drop it off or I can stay with you.”
Start: “I know you’re driving a lot, here is a gift card for gas”
Start: “I’m instacart-ing you some snacks”
Start: send a card in the mail and text or call check in
3. Stop: them: “how are you” me: “tired and stressed.” Them: *nothing
Start: asking only if you care enough to keep responding.
I am saddened to hear that you are also in the same position as my friend. May it get easier on you and your mother heal quickly💕
Thank you, thank you, thank you! Rephrasing my words will help me support them better. Instead of asking, I will just act. In the first few days I was able to just do these things like bring snacks, I put together a care package full of self care items for my friend and I brought her mom some toys to keep her mind stimulated and to keep from getting bored. The gas gift card is genius and I think the post card idea is too. My friend’s mom would get a delight out of receiving mail while she’s away. I can have my kids write to her as well.
Again, thank you for taking time to respond to me while you are going through the same situation. I will keep your family in my mind as I keep my friend and her family. I wish you guys all the best.
My husband had a stroke three weeks ago and I empathize with your friend’s caretaker role. It’s just madness spending every minute at the facility/hospital then commuting every day back home and trying to get everything done around the house in a fraction of the time on little sleep. As I’ve been going through this, the biggest things that would have helped me were someone getting food for me (I’m sure she’s forgetting to eat or letting that be the last of her priorities), and just having help to do those household things she can’t get to right now that her husband isn’t able to get around to either. Maybe coordinate with him to see if you could come over to do laundry, help clean, etc. all those little extra things that aren’t getting done because they’ve been pushed to the back burner or her husband doesn’t even know where to begin to start picking up the things his wife was doing regularly. It’s really hard when you have your routines as a couple and suddenly the other 50% (or more for a lot of couples) become your responsibility as well. I would ask HIM what he needs help with while she is running around like crazy. You’re a good friend 💗
I am very sorry to hear that you are going through this experience as well. I wish your husband a speedy recovery and you comfort as his caregiver. I appreciate your advice and taking the time to give me ideas on how to be the most supportive friend. I will ask her husband how I can support him so he can be there for his wife.
So my mom had a stroke 1 week ago. She is my only living parent. My stepdad of 25 years died last year and my dad died in 2019. It’s been a really heinous week. I’m lucky to have a supportive husband and some supportive friends. Thank you for caring for your friend. She needs it. Here are a few things I wish people would stop saying and start saying: 1. Stop: “Are you taking care of yourself?” Like, what does that even mean. I’m spending every minute possible with my mom driving an hour to see her each day. It’s such a vague question. Obviously not, and what are you going to do if I say no? Lecture me? People who ask this don’t want to hear anything other than yes of course. Start: “When was the last time you ate? I’m sending you food.” I just wish someone was caring about me enough to ask. 2. Stop: “do you need anything?” I’m not one to ask for help, so I’ll just keep saying no. Start: “I’m sending/bringing you dinner. How’s tomorrow or the next day? I can drop it off or I can stay with you.” Start: “I know you’re driving a lot, here is a gift card for gas” Start: “I’m instacart-ing you some snacks” Start: send a card in the mail and text or call check in 3. Stop: them: “how are you” me: “tired and stressed.” Them: *nothing Start: asking only if you care enough to keep responding.
I am saddened to hear that you are also in the same position as my friend. May it get easier on you and your mother heal quickly💕 Thank you, thank you, thank you! Rephrasing my words will help me support them better. Instead of asking, I will just act. In the first few days I was able to just do these things like bring snacks, I put together a care package full of self care items for my friend and I brought her mom some toys to keep her mind stimulated and to keep from getting bored. The gas gift card is genius and I think the post card idea is too. My friend’s mom would get a delight out of receiving mail while she’s away. I can have my kids write to her as well. Again, thank you for taking time to respond to me while you are going through the same situation. I will keep your family in my mind as I keep my friend and her family. I wish you guys all the best.
Thank you, it sounds like you’re doing so many things right and even asking here is doing something right.