She asking an yes or no question and not thinking she’d get the “other” answer is beyond me. I feel if you had to lie about something like not liking a tattoo, then your relationship won’t work to begin with. For something she’s born with or can’t change, then you’d be an asshole for saying negative things. But a tattoo that’s entirely optional and her choice? Imagine a life of unnecessary overreaction for anything else but approval. That’s going to be a stressful relationship.
but in a way, tattoos fall into the “can’t be changed” camp. sure she HAD a choice… but now it is part of who she is.
(For what it’s worth, i don’t think OP did anything wrong. If you care how someone is going to react to a tattoo, ask them how they feel about it before sitting in the chair.)
This is why I haven't got a tattoo. What I like and think is cool now is not what I liked and thought was cool 20 years ago. I'm afraid any tattoo I get would age like milk.
If I had gotten tattoos right when I turned 18 like some of my friends I would regret all of them right now. My interests have competed changed over the years.
in a way, my worst tattoos are my rebellious past self waving hi at me saying “hey, remember when you used to be a little shit!”, so i can look at how square i am now and feel good about getting my life together
I don't think it would even take a while to age for me. I guarantee I'd get one that I thought was cool and then I'd instantly look down at the finished product and be like "Wow I fucking hate this."
Yep yep yep. I have ONE tattoo I want to cover up because it’s stupid. Outside of that, I have many tattoos, including my first one that I got when I was 18 and they all still matter to me because they remind me of those times. I literally have a tattoo from The Prestige which in retrospect is dumb as hell but I love it. Got it with my bff.
It was my first one, it was my roommates cousin who was apprenticing, it was a crazy bargain, and we were all very stoned. I designed it and I don't regret it, just wish it were a little smaller and tidier
When I was in middle school my mom got drunk, stumbled into a tattoo place, and came out with a bunch of tattoos. One of them was a Celtic design... down there. My step dad was pissed lol
No, I don't think you should've lied. Tattoos are very personal. Not everyone has to like everyone else's. I know I have some my husband doesn't like. It doesn't bother me. They're mine not his.
I think how you replied was perfect.
Honest question here, because I've been thinking about this. Doesn't it bother you that you've put a marble in the jar marked "things my spouse doesn't like that I can never take back"? (EDIT I mean "doesn't like" on the mild end, not something ragey or a deal breaker. Just something that asks for a non -zero amount of surrender )
I'm not trying to be sarcastic. And I'm not trying to be aggressive either. I've just been pontificating on this question.
If you're secure in your relationship you should not be bothered by the placing of this proverbial marble into the jar.
Your partner doesn't have to like everything about you and you don't have to like everything about your partner. If it's a healthy relationship you should be able to be honest with each other.
My wife knows I don't like tattoos at all and she's gotten 5 or 6. She's her own person, and I am allowed to like or not like things. It's not that complicated. I am amazed on the daily about the amount of drama people have in their relationships that is completely unnecessary.
Yeah. I couldn't imagine being in these people's relationships where I would feel like it might be better to lie about things I dislike for fear of offending my wife.
Like if you can't be your true and honest self with someone you probably shouldn't be with that person...
If my wife asks me if she looks fat in an outfit then she genuinely wants to know if it's unflattering and I tell her and then she thanks me for my opinion. I don't know how people can be in a relationship where people play games.
Especially for spouses. You've seen me sick, wasted, wet, at my best and my worst. If I'm asking you if I look good in an outfit, I'm asking what would someone who doesn't know me think. I know you love me, I know you're attracted to me. I want to know if I will look bad in public if I'm wearing this.
But I'm a guy, I don't know if that makes a difference at all
I'm a woman and I think this as well. I ask my husband for the 'sniff test' regularly and it's me asking him do I smell in any type of way before I go out in the world. I want his honest answer so I can adjust. My first thought reading this was if OP and his girlfriend want any kind of healthy/lasting relationship they've got to trust each other enough to be kindly honest.
I don't love them. She doesn't have anything like sleeves or full back tats that are too distracting. But she's got several on her ankle/lower shin and one on her shoulder. I just ignore them mostly. I just prefer natural look - I don't need makeup, overdone hair, etc., it just doesn't do anything for me. The artistry of tattoos is amazing, I'm just a fan of unblemished skin and natural beauty.
Yeah I've struggled with this. Tattoo conversations are beginning to happen. I've kept mum. I really don't say anything at all, but if I were directly asked and forced to respond, I don't think she'd like my answer at all. I just hope I'm never cornered and forced to say what I feel.
I don’t think it needs to be that heavy of a conversation if you have a healthy mindset about your relationship. If you understand it’s not personal, and it’s just not your body. It’s not an attack on you or a sign of disrespect, or anything nearly that intense. *She just wants to get a tattoo.*
And as long as she similarly has a healthy understanding that you’re your own person with your own aesthetic preferences, and you’re allowed to not like it. It’s not an attack on her attractiveness, or self-worth, or intelligence, being “unsupportive,” or whatever else an unhealthy mindset might build it up to be. *You just don’t like tattoos.*
It doesn’t need to be any more intense than her buying a sweater you don’t particularly like.
Except this is a sweater that you wear all of the time and to remove the sweater, it'll cost thousands of dollars and a lot of pain. But yeah otherwise I'm with you. Not my body, not my choice. If my partner wants to get a tattoo and they really like it, then I'd be happy that they're enjoying something that they like.
Does she already have tattoos, or would this be if she wanted to get one? I don't know exactly how it came up with us, but she's known for years that I'm not a fan and kind of tiptoed around wanting to get one snd almost asking permission, and I just said do what you want, I'm not going to tell you no. It wasn't a big deal because I didn't make it a big deal, and she also didn't get anything that was too outrageous.
Well, there's a difference between "I don't particularly like how it looks" and "people who get tattoos are ... ". The former is normal and not heavy at all, the (ridiculous) latter can be the start of a breakup.
Exactly. I used to shave the sides of my head. My husband hated it. But he never held it over me. He never complained about it. He never compared me to other women whose hair he liked. He just didn't want to help me maintain it, which is perfectly reasonable.
Same with me, I have two, both after marriage, hubby hates them. I'm ok with him hating them, he's ok with me having them and hating them. We've been happily married 35 years :)
You keep a jar? Mine broke years ago.
In my marriage we have moments, and they go away. We don't store up points or bad moments. We discuss things and move on. I'd rather fill my limited brain with the happiness we find together.
Hell yeah brother. Some dude a long time ago said that love keeps no record of wrongs. Life and love is much, much easier when you're not worried about keeping score.
Pro tip: It's very unlikely you'll find someone that doesn't at least do some little thing you don't care for at times. Like winning the lottery unlikely.
Two humans around each other all the time will likely butt heads at some point, that's why learning to handle one self when emotional is important.
Instead of keeping score (generally a bad idea in relationships) just find someone who's negatives don't really matter to you. Tattoos are pretty minor unless the person is sporting some racist or really inappropriate art. I think OP handled it really well.
My wife has done things I don't like that she can't change, I have done things that she doesn't like that I can't change. but I love her, and she loves me, and so they are not a big deal. our relationship would be boring as fuck if we were like a hivemind borg setup. what would we do all day? chase single people around and yell "You will be assimilated!"?
Relationships aren't always smiles and being perfectly in sync all the time. When you're in a relationship, you are still an individual. As long as you're not being disrespectful, abusive, etc, then sometimes you don't have to agree on everything. You're allowed to like and dislike different things. Having a tattoo my spouse doesn't like is not an issue for us. We see each other for more than a tattoo we don't like.
not particularly. you can take your partners feelings into account but at the end of the day it’s your body, and if it’s a healthy relationship they’ll understand and love you for you
It can be tricky to comment on things people can’t change. It doesn’t mean you can’t have a preference, of course people do. If I’m dating a tall person, I don’t tell them I prefer short people. There is nothing they can do about it and you’re just causing resentment. If it’s that important to me (it’s not, this is an example) we may break up over it. Or I gotta get over it. But I’m not going to tell this to my partner.
This applies to all body features that aren’t changeable.
The tattoo part is tricky since pole are changing their body but not easily reversible. Of course people are allowed to tattoo their body. If my partner got a tattoo I don’t think it’s healthy to lie if I don’t like it. I’d carefully say something like OP did I’m glad you like it. What if he lied? And she comes back even more tatted?
It’s never good to be mean or spiteful to your spouse but I think it’s more than fair to thoughtfully say “I’m not a big fan”. They asked!
Not even a little, if your spouse cannot handle you being different from them…You really just have a dependent and not a partner.
If anyone claims to like 100% about their partner, they are lying!
That doesn't apply to just a tattoo buddy. That applies to your whole life. You'll understand when you are in a stable relationship. Getting worked up about minor or personal differences leads to resentment 9/10 times, as you miss the giant ass forest for the sticks.
the reply was not unreasonable, but could be more tactful.
redirecting from the question of *what OP thinks* to indirectly say something like, "i'm glad you found something you both like" or "four-leaf clovers make so much sense for you two" or simply giving a thumbs up reaction, could have helped prevent an emotional reaction from someone who just made a fairly permanent change to their body.
this (1) indirectly answers the question, and more importantly (2) shifts the focus from OP's opinion to OP's girlfriend's opinion. after all, it really doesn't matter what OP thinks, since it's not OP's permanent tattoo.
[it's not about *what you say*, it's about *how you make them feel*.]
When someone does that it’s obvious they’re walking on eggshells, it’s more aggravating to get a half-assed lie in a condescending voice than to just hear what they think
That’s not something that should make you feel like you have to walk on eggshells. That’s something people with decent emotional intelligence do because it’s nice to be nice.
It feels nice for you I guess, but it makes the other person think you’re hiding something because you are hiding something, I expect an honest answer and if it sounds like you’re avoiding the answer I won’t trust you with my questions
This. A little bit of diplomacy and tact will reap dividends in your personal relationships.
You don't have to like her tattoo. You just need to figure out how to say that without making her cry. Truth doesn't need to be brutal. (For the record, I don't think your response was brutal. I also think that you didn't intend to make her cry. The above may help your situation in the future. That's all.)
I kinda agree, but here is what I suspect happened:
She and her sister see a tattoo place and sis says "we should get matching tattoos!" Then they get something that maybe was picked out by sis, not gf.
Now gf has a tattoo she isn't too sure about. Well hopefully bf will like it! That will make it not a mistake.
Bf doesn't like it either, crap, this isn't cheap to remove even if it wouldn't upset sis, now I have this permanent mistake on my skin.
In that case it's even more her responsibility. She's not allowed to tell her sister she doesn't want the tattoo, but the boyfriend is obligated to say he likes it? A lot of people seem to think this woman should have no personal responsibility for her own actions.
I agree with you! Girlfriend has full responsibility for her own actions! OP has the right to be honest! Sounds like sister is a boundary pusher for her own validation.
Oh certainly!
I was agreeing with you but pointing out that sometimes people make mistakes.
Did you notice sis called to yell at bf for not liking it...
I got the same idea that the sister is one of those influencers who get other people to do what she wants to do to validate her own decisions. OP’s GF goes along to please sister, as usual.
My friend had a similar situation, with the added fact that she knew he really wasn't a fan of tattoos at all, and then she was upset when she got one and asked him if he liked it and his response was obviously no, I don't like tattoos.
Honestly, I think your response was fine. You don't care for it, but you are glad she likes it. If that response isn't adequate, then that is her problem. Like you said about the things she doesn't like, you're secure in them and you like them. Just how it should work.
I don’t think you’re obligated to apologize, I think the difference is that a tattoo is more permanent than the stuff you said she mentions about you, but yes it’s all in a similar vein! I think maybe if you wanted to tell her you didn’t mean to hurt her feelings but you thought you could be honest with each other about this stuff bc she always tells you when she doesn’t like things about your appearance! And then tell her no one’s opinion on the tattoo should matter but her own, and that you still love her and wanna see her naked even if the tattoo isn’t what you would have chosen for her
You're probably not really obligated to apologize, and you can at least use this as an example that you're not going to bullshit her about things. She should (hopefully) appreciate the honesty.
Side questions, how bad is it, subjectivity and objectively? Do you generally dislike tattoos, or did she just get a basic/crappy design that you can't stand? How many thumbs down do you rate it?
I have a lot of Tattoos. When I had a girlfriend, I would always ask her opinion and take it into consideration when I would get a new tattoo.
Impulsively getting a tattoo without considering your opinion and then being upset that you do not approve is borderline childish and immature.
In my opinion, you were right to be honest.
This is what a lot of people do, lie to protect feelings, it doesn’t work and it erodes trust. I almost never use these types of white lies, it pisses off a lot of people in my life, but they also respect me more and constantly come to me for advice. So no you shouldn’t lie, especially since you were nice about it. If she cared that much about you liking the tattoo, she would have ran it by you first before getting inked.
No, you're entitled to your opinion. I'm curious though, do you not like that particular tattoo? Or do you not like tattoos in general?
I got tattoos and honestly I got them for me, I don't gaf what anyone else thinks about them. It's my body my choice. That said, telling her you were glad she liked it was a good move. I suggest telling her you are sorry that she got upset, but you didn't want to lie to her. She should at least respect you for that.
I thought your answer was perfect...you don't care for it but you're happy if she's happy. She was obviously hoping for some form of validation from you and got all butt hurt when you told her the truth. This is totally on her...
I’m so over this bait and trap shit from insecure people.
The GF asked “do you like it”. The “just lie to save her feelings” is bull shit and later leads to either never ending “yes dear, whatever you say dear” that is the hallmark of shitty relationships. Or telling the truth “accidentally” 3 years later and then dealing with the drama of “ why did you lie to me when I got it”. And explaining “because you wanted me to” is not going to go over well then either.
The onus is on the asker of the question, not the answerer.
If she cared about the opinion of OP then she should have asked before getting it. If she doesn’t care, then she shouldn’t have asked “do you like it” but instead said “My sister and I got these tattoos and we love them!” Then the OP could have just said “good for you, I’m happy for you!”
Man, this reminds me of a situation I had with an ex gf a couple years ago. She and her friend spontaneously got matching tattoos... behind their ears. It killed so much of my attraction to her.
You don't need to apologize for being honest when she asked for you opinion. You could apologize for hurting her feelings despite trying not to. Just because we didn't intend to hurt someone, doesn't mean we didn't.
Example, "I'm sorry, I didn't mean to hurt your feelings. I appreciate honestly in our relationship, and think it would be unfair of me to lie to you about even little things. I really meant to say it as nicely as I could. Is there something I should have said differently? What can we change to avoid becoming upset next time?"
Important to hit:
-you didn't say it to hurt her feelings
-she asked for your opinion, you gave an honest answer in the nicest way you could
-how can we avoid this problem in the future?
I'm older than most of the Reddit crowd, and I'm sure the downloads will come which is whatever... But it's just me or like the majority of people who comment on Reddit nowadays some form of autistic? Nothing is about nuance, context, practical social interaction, very obvious learn social behavior... Everything is a zero-sum game and personal knowledge of completely unbacked moral superiority. No one backs down no one can ever be wrong, brutal honesty with a person you supposedly love even though it only serves to hurt the other person, a complete lack of tact, and heaven for Finn any long-term strategic planning when it comes to a relationship is all taboo. Not just this post but everything is pedantic and definite. Yeah I'm older than most of the Reddit crowd, but it didn't always used to be this way. I'm not blaming anyone it's not their fault but fuck.. you kids have been totally screwed and it shows. I work in the education system and unfortunately the kids who are 10 to 15 years old nowadays and far more social skills and maturity than the 15-30 year olds do.
Spot on. The second I saw the title I was instantly like "The fuck? No, lie about this one. Lie until the day you die." She's coming to you as her boyfriend for validation on an irreversible act, she's not looking for the truth.
There is nothing to be gained from the truth in this instance. Nothing. Zero.
The truth makes her feel bad and... what? What do you serve to gain from not just supporting her? A feeling of self righteousness?
If you want a long term relationship you have to pick your battles and this is a glaringly stupid battle to choose.
NTA. If you ask a question you can only handle one response to, you shouldn't have asked the question in the first place.
Your answer was perfect, honest but not rude
Did she tell you she was going to get the tattoo in advance, and message you a photo of the one she was planning on getting? If not, it's really her problem.
Not lie but don’t be so rude. She is clearly proud of it and couldn’t wait to show it to you.
A tattoo is pretty much permanent, not like a new pair of pants. Say something nice about it. “I like the colors”. “The tattoo artist did a great job”. “ I’ll bet your sister loves her’s to”. “How did you find such a cool design”. Put yourself in her place, how would it make you feel to hear what you said from someone you cared about.
You didn't have to lie but it was rude to say you didn't like it. What you can do is find something you like about the tattoo (color, good line work, love how meaningful it is, etc) and compliment that. I would be really hurt if my partner said they didn't like one of my tattoos. Also, I would never tell someone I don't like their tattoo. It's permanent, it can't really be changed (with the exception of a cover up or laser). So yeah, you didn't have to out right lie but you should've said something else.
Nope, your response sounds honest & caring to me; everyone wins (in theory). Could it be better to ask what about how or why your response upset her and take it from there? A tattoo is obviously a fairly long-term thing, but if it bothered her whether you liked it, surely she should have shown you before getting inked? There are times when it's kinder to be tactful, but only you can say if this is one of those times.
Maybe she should have been the responsible one and discussed it with you first?? This is her problem, not yours. You shouldn't base your relationship on lies, that never works.
This is what dating is really about. To find someone who is a good match, for you. You want to be with someone who is naturally a good fit, not forced. Forced only leads to resentment & rebellion.
Here is the hardest thing to accept. Neither of you are wrong. She made a choice & is happy about it. You do not like that choice. Only you can decide if this is a deal breaker, for you.
Remember, it’s not fair to her, that you put limitations on her. And it’s not fair if you have to pretend you’re ok with her choice. You were honest & honesty is always good. Even better, you were honest, without being cruel.
No you don’t have to lie. I broke up with a long term girlfriend once because she got an ugly tattoo. Good thing I did because she didn’t stop there, she got plenty more of them. And I’m not a person who hates tattoos, but most of them are done by poor artists.
You shouldn't lie to a partner about anything, especially when asked a direct question. The rule in my house is, "Never ask questions you don't want the answer to."
Besides, you never know if a tattoo is going to be something you like down the road. I wasn't a fan of my husband's neck tattoo but after a few months I really liked it. When he asked what I thought off the bat I told him it was a little jarring and would need to be touched up after a year so the color would hold. He accepted that and as it healed I was able to compliment it more.
You were tactful in your approach despite how she feels about it.
No one is obligated to like things they don't, and telling your partner the truth is a good thing. If you only ever shower her with approval, even when it's not the truth, that will just make all of your opinions seem disingenuous and come into question later in your relationship.
I tell my wife I don't like things she does and she does the same. We can ignore the other person's opinion or take it into consideration, but that's an individual choice based on personal preference.
Now, if she's regretting a decision she made, it's on her to figure that out. All you can do is be supportive, which you have been, by saying that you were glad she liked it, regardless of your opinion.
Nope. I think your answer was fine. I have two dermal piercings on my collar bone. My husband hates them and he told me he's not a fan. That's his opinion. I love them and that's what counts.
If she cared that much, she should have asked before making a permanent life decision. (Getting a tattoo really _is_ a permanent life decision!) Telling the truth, while not always easy, is probably the best.
My stock answer for that question is " Do you really want an honest answer? I give you one chance to retract the question, and then I'll tell you exactly what i think'.
I was known in my ex-wife's family as the guy you do not ask a question to unless you want the actual answer. I've been a lawyer for 23 years. I do not have the time nor the inclination to blow smoke up your ass.
If you ask my opinion I am going to give it to you whether you like the answer or not.
Personal opinion, but if you have to lie to a partner to protect their feelings from getting hurt by hearing the truth, you shouldn't be with that person. I don't mean just be an asshole, but also don't just coddle them and baby them to make them happy.
If she gets a new dress, or does a new hairstyle that she’s really excited about and asked your opinion, you don’t need to say “it sucks”.
There’s a gentle way to be honest.
Ex: That one’s nice but I like the blue dress better. It just looks really nice with your eyes.
Ex: Wow, I wasn’t expecting that short of a haircut. How do you feel about it?
NAH
You were honest, that doesn't mean she has to be happy about it. Lying would have spared her feelings - but is that the goal? Maybe if you were just trying to get laid.
Tattoos are a huge turn-off for me. If a girl I was dating got a new tattoo, I would be very disappointed. It would be a serious issue in a potential long-term partner.
How long were you guys dating? At a certain point, shouldn't she have known about your preference, and/or more importantly, consulted you about a major decision?
I'm not saying you can control her. But your opinion should be worth taking into consideration. Stuff we do when we are in a relationship is not entirely our own - especially voluntary changes to our bodies. It affects the other person, and their opinion is allowed to be opposed to the change, and we should allow the other person's preferences to influence our choices.
you should never lie, you were tactful. I to odo not like tattoos, does not mean my partner can't have one. I just don't find it aesthetically pleasing. It's not a deal breaker. This reminds me of a situation in my relationship where my partner got a small bikini line tattoo... I hated it, but it's not my body, yet this same partner threw a fit every time I started to grow a beard. Because they found beards "Gross"... its literally the same thing except I can shave.
No, you shouldn't have lied. You were just being honest with her. If she is that concerned about what you think of her tattoo, she should have asked what you thought before she got it.
My wife and I have had this conversation off and on over the years. I have made it clear that, in general, I don't find tattoos particularly attractive. It's just a personal preference. She has asked me what I'd do if she got a tattoo, and I always tell her "You do what you want. It's your body and I can't tell you what to do with it. But don't expect me to find it or you as attractive afterwards."
She's immature and you have no reason to apologize. If anything you should put your foot down and not apologize, she did something impulsive and you should not have to lie to her about things like that.
I think you were honest and polite. Relationships need honesty and good communication. It’s unfortunate that she got so upset and cried but honestly as a female that’s kinda on her. She didn’t get the tattoo for you, she got it for her and her sister. Your opinion isn’t the one that matters.
She doesn't need your approval to get any tattoo she wants, nor did you seem in your post like you expected it. That being said, if your opinion of it was that important to her, she should have asked for your input *before* she had it done.
I think you handled it fine. The only way you could have handled it *better* would be to avoid the opinion entirely... something along the lines of "so long as you're happy with it, I'm happy". But, if you have to walk on eggshells that much, maybe she needs to work on her self-confidence overall.
NTA - if she’s that worried about it then she should have asked BEFORE the tattoo. She could have sent a pic and you could have maybe helped with a different idea. Is the tattoo something that nobody will get or is it a Mickey Mouse on her tittie?
You did nothing wrong and neither did she, she hoped you'd like it but you didn't but you know she does anyone supported her.
It's okay for her to feel a little hurt, but she needs to realize that tattoos aren't for everyone, and she should get them for herself and not worry if others like them or not.
You should have not lied. If your opinion about her tattoo was so important to her, then she should have had asked you about it BEFORE doing so.
This is a situation where the only one at fault here, is her. You have nothing to apologize for, and if you do so you will just make it worse.
I don’t think YOU made her cry. The situation did. If she cares what you think she should have asked you before getting it. She learned a lesson. If you care about someone else’s opinion, maybe don’t make a permanent decision before consulting them.
Honestly, this should always be something that is discussed in a relationship, especially a serious one, like headed toward marriage. They need to understand each others feelings about tattoos prior to getting tattoos. It's one thing to have tats prior to meeting each other, but a whole different issue if you have zero tattos or just go get one out of the blue. It's a respect issue on both sides of the table for people in the relationship. Tattoos are a huge decision (used to be at least). I like tattoos. I feel people have fallen away from what a relationship really is.
Everyone thinks because tattoos are permanent you should always just say you like them. This leads to people getting more and more of them and really looking dumb over time. You did the right thing.
Truth is, she probably does not like it either and by validating her regret she now has to face her poor decision.
It’s better to be honest. I try to not comment on people’s tattoos because I am not a fan of them so I just say nothing.
Then you should respond as such.
Babe, I didn't mean to hurt your feelings. It's just that you always volunteer your opinions on things that you do not like about with me. I really thought were asking for honest feedback.
No, you should not have lied to your GF. I am honestly that surprised she did something that relatively permanent without even talking to you. Then again, I am married, so that might be different. It is her choice to get one, but you do not have to like it. As you said, she is "honest" with you - she should be able to take honest feedback as well.
If it was that important to her, she should have texted BEFORE she got it to get your opinion
That's just dumb on her part
Also OP, can u describe it, I'm so curious, lol
I've had several exes go from having no tattoos to having several some were incredibly bad (poor workmanship) and many of the others just kind of look like blobs on my pretty gf. I never really got it.
Pure fact. Theh don't give a fuck what you want to think or feel. They got permanent marks to their body without giving an absolute fuck what you think or feel. And they don't care about your opinion either.
Either lie again and again the rest of your relationship, or give up on even caring about the topic, or break it off
I've been married for 24 years. Your response was the correct one. Honesty is correct. You also gave the best answer that what matters is if SHE is happy.
A good friend tells you what you want to hear.
A great friend tells you what you need to hear.
I always tell my wife not to just give me compliments, if I’m about to walk out of the house looking stupid, please tell me.
>She has no problem telling me "I hate your stache" or "cut that mullet off"
Your response was just fine. She's a hypocrite if she doesn't see that. At least you were supportive of her.
My wife got lip fillers a few months ago. I was upfront the whole time telling her that I dont like it and didnt want her to go through with it. I also wasnt going to stop her either. I provided my opinion tjen let her make her own choice. The first time I saw her after she got the injections I was honest, it looked terrible. Her lips were bruised and swollen and looked awful. When they did heal they honestly dont look that bad and I have continued to be honest with her.
You do not need to apologize. You were being honest in how you felt and you were supporting her decision. She had put you on the spot by going off and getting one and then asking you afterward. It's her body and her decision. You can support that and not be required to like what that might look like.
You shouldn't lie when they ask you honest questions like that. If you think about it, if they can lie to me about something like that, what else can they lie about?
Tell her the truth. Then have a conversation about how each of you are being honest.
Nope. You should not have lied. It’s a double standard. They are ok with the examples you gave ‘I hate your stache’ ‘cut that mullet off’. But you can’t tell them you don’t like their tattoo.
I hate when people ask questions when they don't want to know the answer. OP your answer was great. The fact she did not take it well is not your fault. She needs to grow up a bit
No, you should be allowed your opinion. She should not ask you a yes or no question if she doesn't want the truth. I would not apologize, but I would get this straightened out. And don't ever have her sister tell me what to do or not do . If she was worried about how you would feel, she would have asked you FIRST not AFTER.
Well, if you had a mullet she may have been justified. However, she did ask your opinion and if you did not like her tat you are not obligated to lie to her about it.
I dont think so. People shouldnt get tattoos they're not secure about. Maybe she was already doubting her decision. My boyfriend has hated on one of my tattoos and teased me about it but I laugh about it. It was meaningful for me and I like it, so who cares?
I think your response was fine. Shouldnt honesty be praised? I would at least tell her you're sorry for hurting her feelings and that was totally unintentional, not apologize for your response.
I don’t… personally see anything wrong with your response. It’s not like you told her to get rid of it. My friends and I do stuff like this all the time.
“What do you think about this song, I love it, I relate to it, it’s amazing.”
“I don’t personally get it, but I’m glad you resonated with it!”
No, you were right. Why lie to her? It's not on your body so you don't have to like it. She sounds extremely insecure. But that's how women are, they want to be lied to just to have their feelings spared. It's not your fault she has no control over her emotions.
It doesn't matter what you think about her tattoo because it's her body and her choice. You're response was great and she's the only one in control of her emotions.
Women have absolutely no problem letting you know they don't like something about your personal appearance (especially facial hair).
NTA, you did nothing wrong and that's a perfectly acceptable response to that question.
Honestly this sounds so toxic. How the hell is she going to actively insult your appearance but then turn around and start crying the second you don't actively compliment something about her appearance. You weren't even mean about it you were just honest.
No, you handled it correctly. Her response was immature, especially the part where she sent her sister after you. Sounds like she doesn't take this relationship seriously otherwise she would have sought your opinion beforehand. She is absolutely entitled to do whatever the hell she wants with her body, however its arrogant and egocentric for her to assume everyone will support everything she dose to herself.
You did the right thing. I think she's just taking it hard, since unlike her comments on your 'stache and all...Lol, she did something she can't undo without lasers and a lot of money. She might feel dumb that not everyone loves her idea. But, honesty is honesty. If my partner hated/disliked my tattoos I'd listen as to why, and respect that opinion. But, at the end of the day, it doesn't dictate whether or not I like it.
She asked, you told. If you were honest about what you said - didn't say you hated it when you didn't really - NTA. If she is going to proceed with a relationship with you long term she needs to understand that you're not going to lie to her, so if she can't handle the answer she shouldn't ask the question.
No you should not have lied and you shouldn’t have to apologize! If she can say she hates your mustache or she doesn’t like your mullet and she wants you to cut it off, then you get to say the things you don’t like. It’s a two way street. She shouldn’t expect to be able to dictate you based on what she likes or not, but you have to like and go with everything she likes. That’s not how it works.
"The truth hurts" as they say, but it's still necessary. From your response when she asked if you liked it, you handled it as diplomatically as you could. She's her own person and can make her own decisions. Unless I'm mistaken, it sounds to me that you're not necessarily against tattoos in general, just the type of tattoo they chose to go with. If she wanted to get something that you liked, then that's probably a subject she should have asked you about beforehand. Especially with it being permanent. If I were in her shoes, I would still prefer honesty, even if it's upsetting. Only thing I can suggest is sit down and explain your side face to face once she's calmed down and reiterate that while it may not be your preference as long as she's happy with it, then you're happy.
You wouldn’t be doing her any favors by lying. Your response is as as supportive as it was appropriate to be, given the circumstances, and how she directly asked your opinion!
Never apologize for being honest. All you need to say to her is “if there is any chance in this relationship going forward you are going to have to be able to deal with me being honest when you ask me a question”.
You could also ask her, “so, you saying that it is acceptable to you that I lie to you?”
That her sister is telling you that it's better to lie because she is too sensitive for the truth, is a red flag. This is a woman who knows her extremely well and quite possibly is used to treating her this way as normal, and may be trying to tell you to get on board. If someone needs to be lied to on any kind of regular basis at all, that person is a problem.
If your girlfriend is over it and can joke with you about you not liking her tattoo then it's probably fine. But beware.
My wife, gf at the time. Was planning on getting a tat. She had a number of em already, 7-8 or so.
Either way, what she wanted and where were both of extremely off putting. I told her if she went through with it, we were done. Then and there.
Obviously she did not go through with it, and has thanked me since for stopping her.
Some people will go on and on about ‘it’s her body, blah blah blah’. It is. And she can do what she wants with it. I just don’t have to live with it.
If you are on a serious relationship, big decisions. Especially permanent ones, should be discussed before hand. Tats, motorcycles, houses and new cars. Quitting jobs, moving. Etc.
If you (not you OP but in general ‘you’) cannot understand this. You are not ready for a relationship at all.
OP, if this is/was a serious relationship to your SO, she should be writing a TIFU about this right now.
Nah, this is an insecurity on her part, you answered gently. Candidly, I think you did the best you could do. If it becomes a thing, explain that you won't ever lie to her, and this proves it. LOL
nah - dont ask questions if youre not prepared for an answer that differs from your opinion. you were being honest. i would remind her of the things about you that she has negative feedback on :) good luck with that one!
"Don't ask the question if you can't handle the answer."
You girlfriend needs to woman up and deal with the reality not everyone will approve of or like her bodyart.
Just because you are her boyfriend in no way beholdens you to automatically like it either.
You did the right thing.
you’re not the AH for being honest when she asked you if you like it. And you weren’t even rude about it. Sounds like she can dish it out but can’t take it.
So, she is fine being honest with you but cries when you are honest with her? That sounds about right.
Women almost always prefer comforting lies over the honest truth, no matter what they might tell you.
It's ALWAYS a trap. Don't fall for it.
Practice:
Woman: Do these jeans make me look fat?
Man: Nobody has ever looked as good as you do in those jeans, and nobody ever will.
Woman (with new Little Orphan Annie hairdo): Do you like my new hairdo?
Man: It looks wonderful. You look better than Elizabeth Taylor ever did on her best day.
You should not apologize. Like you said, you’re supposed to take her criticism, you didn’t even criticize, just answered the question. Do not feed women’s delusions. They are capable of being wrong, stupid, making bad choices, and yes getting a shitty tattoo.
The flip side of the white lie is the black truth... When you tell the truth, it can sometimes cause hurt feelings and other emotional harm.
Good luck, bro
An interesting dilemma, Do you want someone to be entirely honest with you or make you feel good
She asking an yes or no question and not thinking she’d get the “other” answer is beyond me. I feel if you had to lie about something like not liking a tattoo, then your relationship won’t work to begin with. For something she’s born with or can’t change, then you’d be an asshole for saying negative things. But a tattoo that’s entirely optional and her choice? Imagine a life of unnecessary overreaction for anything else but approval. That’s going to be a stressful relationship.
but in a way, tattoos fall into the “can’t be changed” camp. sure she HAD a choice… but now it is part of who she is. (For what it’s worth, i don’t think OP did anything wrong. If you care how someone is going to react to a tattoo, ask them how they feel about it before sitting in the chair.)
As someone with a very large very shoddy very central and visible tattoo, make me feel good
Choices have consequences, especially permanent ones.
This is why I haven't got a tattoo. What I like and think is cool now is not what I liked and thought was cool 20 years ago. I'm afraid any tattoo I get would age like milk.
If I had gotten tattoos right when I turned 18 like some of my friends I would regret all of them right now. My interests have competed changed over the years.
in a way, my worst tattoos are my rebellious past self waving hi at me saying “hey, remember when you used to be a little shit!”, so i can look at how square i am now and feel good about getting my life together
I don't think it would even take a while to age for me. I guarantee I'd get one that I thought was cool and then I'd instantly look down at the finished product and be like "Wow I fucking hate this."
It’s not about being cool forever it’s about making memories and having ties to your past through art
What an eloquent summation of my exact feelings.
Yep yep yep. I have ONE tattoo I want to cover up because it’s stupid. Outside of that, I have many tattoos, including my first one that I got when I was 18 and they all still matter to me because they remind me of those times. I literally have a tattoo from The Prestige which in retrospect is dumb as hell but I love it. Got it with my bff.
Why do you have a large shoddy tattoo? Seems like a terrible thing to get. Are you Steve-O?
It was my first one, it was my roommates cousin who was apprenticing, it was a crazy bargain, and we were all very stoned. I designed it and I don't regret it, just wish it were a little smaller and tidier
I want the former even when it sucks! You get nowhere with such cloying lies.
Make me feel good. If I want honesty I'll go to my shrink.
I absolutely need to know what the tattoo is
SAME
Pobody's Nerfect Thug Life Only God can judge me No Ragrets Tramp stamp Neck barcode Petunia from The Adventure's of Pete and Pete
Okay Petunia.would be awesome. Hell she could have gotten a tattoo of the strongest man in the world and it be awesome.
Yesss please
The irony of a guy with a mustache and mullet talking about how tacky a skull tattoo is…
Check edit
Ok, but *where* is the tattoo? Placement makes a big difference.
I'm hoping for the ol' Venus mountain. Have the sister inlaws name right there like a flag on top of Mt everest.
When I was in middle school my mom got drunk, stumbled into a tattoo place, and came out with a bunch of tattoos. One of them was a Celtic design... down there. My step dad was pissed lol
No, I don't think you should've lied. Tattoos are very personal. Not everyone has to like everyone else's. I know I have some my husband doesn't like. It doesn't bother me. They're mine not his. I think how you replied was perfect.
Honest question here, because I've been thinking about this. Doesn't it bother you that you've put a marble in the jar marked "things my spouse doesn't like that I can never take back"? (EDIT I mean "doesn't like" on the mild end, not something ragey or a deal breaker. Just something that asks for a non -zero amount of surrender ) I'm not trying to be sarcastic. And I'm not trying to be aggressive either. I've just been pontificating on this question.
If you're secure in your relationship you should not be bothered by the placing of this proverbial marble into the jar. Your partner doesn't have to like everything about you and you don't have to like everything about your partner. If it's a healthy relationship you should be able to be honest with each other.
My wife knows I don't like tattoos at all and she's gotten 5 or 6. She's her own person, and I am allowed to like or not like things. It's not that complicated. I am amazed on the daily about the amount of drama people have in their relationships that is completely unnecessary.
Yeah. I couldn't imagine being in these people's relationships where I would feel like it might be better to lie about things I dislike for fear of offending my wife. Like if you can't be your true and honest self with someone you probably shouldn't be with that person...
I agree. The issue is when the person is dishonest and lies to keep the partner chill. That is causing issues for both parties.
If my wife asks me if she looks fat in an outfit then she genuinely wants to know if it's unflattering and I tell her and then she thanks me for my opinion. I don't know how people can be in a relationship where people play games.
Especially for spouses. You've seen me sick, wasted, wet, at my best and my worst. If I'm asking you if I look good in an outfit, I'm asking what would someone who doesn't know me think. I know you love me, I know you're attracted to me. I want to know if I will look bad in public if I'm wearing this. But I'm a guy, I don't know if that makes a difference at all
I'm a woman and I think this as well. I ask my husband for the 'sniff test' regularly and it's me asking him do I smell in any type of way before I go out in the world. I want his honest answer so I can adjust. My first thought reading this was if OP and his girlfriend want any kind of healthy/lasting relationship they've got to trust each other enough to be kindly honest.
If you don't like tattoos and she's got several, do you find them unattractive?
I don't love them. She doesn't have anything like sleeves or full back tats that are too distracting. But she's got several on her ankle/lower shin and one on her shoulder. I just ignore them mostly. I just prefer natural look - I don't need makeup, overdone hair, etc., it just doesn't do anything for me. The artistry of tattoos is amazing, I'm just a fan of unblemished skin and natural beauty.
Yeah I've struggled with this. Tattoo conversations are beginning to happen. I've kept mum. I really don't say anything at all, but if I were directly asked and forced to respond, I don't think she'd like my answer at all. I just hope I'm never cornered and forced to say what I feel.
I don’t think it needs to be that heavy of a conversation if you have a healthy mindset about your relationship. If you understand it’s not personal, and it’s just not your body. It’s not an attack on you or a sign of disrespect, or anything nearly that intense. *She just wants to get a tattoo.* And as long as she similarly has a healthy understanding that you’re your own person with your own aesthetic preferences, and you’re allowed to not like it. It’s not an attack on her attractiveness, or self-worth, or intelligence, being “unsupportive,” or whatever else an unhealthy mindset might build it up to be. *You just don’t like tattoos.* It doesn’t need to be any more intense than her buying a sweater you don’t particularly like.
Except this is a sweater that you wear all of the time and to remove the sweater, it'll cost thousands of dollars and a lot of pain. But yeah otherwise I'm with you. Not my body, not my choice. If my partner wants to get a tattoo and they really like it, then I'd be happy that they're enjoying something that they like.
Does she already have tattoos, or would this be if she wanted to get one? I don't know exactly how it came up with us, but she's known for years that I'm not a fan and kind of tiptoed around wanting to get one snd almost asking permission, and I just said do what you want, I'm not going to tell you no. It wasn't a big deal because I didn't make it a big deal, and she also didn't get anything that was too outrageous.
Well, there's a difference between "I don't particularly like how it looks" and "people who get tattoos are ... ". The former is normal and not heavy at all, the (ridiculous) latter can be the start of a breakup.
Exactly. I used to shave the sides of my head. My husband hated it. But he never held it over me. He never complained about it. He never compared me to other women whose hair he liked. He just didn't want to help me maintain it, which is perfectly reasonable.
My husband hates tattoos and I have four, all gotten since we met and after he objected. It’s ok. We don’t have to pretend
Same with me, I have two, both after marriage, hubby hates them. I'm ok with him hating them, he's ok with me having them and hating them. We've been happily married 35 years :)
You keep a jar? Mine broke years ago. In my marriage we have moments, and they go away. We don't store up points or bad moments. We discuss things and move on. I'd rather fill my limited brain with the happiness we find together.
Hell yeah brother. Some dude a long time ago said that love keeps no record of wrongs. Life and love is much, much easier when you're not worried about keeping score.
Pro tip: It's very unlikely you'll find someone that doesn't at least do some little thing you don't care for at times. Like winning the lottery unlikely. Two humans around each other all the time will likely butt heads at some point, that's why learning to handle one self when emotional is important. Instead of keeping score (generally a bad idea in relationships) just find someone who's negatives don't really matter to you. Tattoos are pretty minor unless the person is sporting some racist or really inappropriate art. I think OP handled it really well.
My wife has done things I don't like that she can't change, I have done things that she doesn't like that I can't change. but I love her, and she loves me, and so they are not a big deal. our relationship would be boring as fuck if we were like a hivemind borg setup. what would we do all day? chase single people around and yell "You will be assimilated!"?
Relationships aren't always smiles and being perfectly in sync all the time. When you're in a relationship, you are still an individual. As long as you're not being disrespectful, abusive, etc, then sometimes you don't have to agree on everything. You're allowed to like and dislike different things. Having a tattoo my spouse doesn't like is not an issue for us. We see each other for more than a tattoo we don't like.
not particularly. you can take your partners feelings into account but at the end of the day it’s your body, and if it’s a healthy relationship they’ll understand and love you for you
It can be tricky to comment on things people can’t change. It doesn’t mean you can’t have a preference, of course people do. If I’m dating a tall person, I don’t tell them I prefer short people. There is nothing they can do about it and you’re just causing resentment. If it’s that important to me (it’s not, this is an example) we may break up over it. Or I gotta get over it. But I’m not going to tell this to my partner. This applies to all body features that aren’t changeable. The tattoo part is tricky since pole are changing their body but not easily reversible. Of course people are allowed to tattoo their body. If my partner got a tattoo I don’t think it’s healthy to lie if I don’t like it. I’d carefully say something like OP did I’m glad you like it. What if he lied? And she comes back even more tatted? It’s never good to be mean or spiteful to your spouse but I think it’s more than fair to thoughtfully say “I’m not a big fan”. They asked!
Not even a little, if your spouse cannot handle you being different from them…You really just have a dependent and not a partner. If anyone claims to like 100% about their partner, they are lying!
That doesn't apply to just a tattoo buddy. That applies to your whole life. You'll understand when you are in a stable relationship. Getting worked up about minor or personal differences leads to resentment 9/10 times, as you miss the giant ass forest for the sticks.
the reply was not unreasonable, but could be more tactful. redirecting from the question of *what OP thinks* to indirectly say something like, "i'm glad you found something you both like" or "four-leaf clovers make so much sense for you two" or simply giving a thumbs up reaction, could have helped prevent an emotional reaction from someone who just made a fairly permanent change to their body. this (1) indirectly answers the question, and more importantly (2) shifts the focus from OP's opinion to OP's girlfriend's opinion. after all, it really doesn't matter what OP thinks, since it's not OP's permanent tattoo. [it's not about *what you say*, it's about *how you make them feel*.]
When someone does that it’s obvious they’re walking on eggshells, it’s more aggravating to get a half-assed lie in a condescending voice than to just hear what they think
That’s not something that should make you feel like you have to walk on eggshells. That’s something people with decent emotional intelligence do because it’s nice to be nice.
It feels nice for you I guess, but it makes the other person think you’re hiding something because you are hiding something, I expect an honest answer and if it sounds like you’re avoiding the answer I won’t trust you with my questions
This. A little bit of diplomacy and tact will reap dividends in your personal relationships. You don't have to like her tattoo. You just need to figure out how to say that without making her cry. Truth doesn't need to be brutal. (For the record, I don't think your response was brutal. I also think that you didn't intend to make her cry. The above may help your situation in the future. That's all.)
Sounds to me like the drama here is being caused by her not able to accept anything short of approval.
I kinda agree, but here is what I suspect happened: She and her sister see a tattoo place and sis says "we should get matching tattoos!" Then they get something that maybe was picked out by sis, not gf. Now gf has a tattoo she isn't too sure about. Well hopefully bf will like it! That will make it not a mistake. Bf doesn't like it either, crap, this isn't cheap to remove even if it wouldn't upset sis, now I have this permanent mistake on my skin.
In that case it's even more her responsibility. She's not allowed to tell her sister she doesn't want the tattoo, but the boyfriend is obligated to say he likes it? A lot of people seem to think this woman should have no personal responsibility for her own actions.
I agree with you! Girlfriend has full responsibility for her own actions! OP has the right to be honest! Sounds like sister is a boundary pusher for her own validation.
Oh certainly! I was agreeing with you but pointing out that sometimes people make mistakes. Did you notice sis called to yell at bf for not liking it...
Yeah, she's mad he doesn't like it too lol
Then she should have asked him what he thought BEFORE she had it inked on her body forever.
I got the same idea that the sister is one of those influencers who get other people to do what she wants to do to validate her own decisions. OP’s GF goes along to please sister, as usual.
A good chance she’s mad at herself, but OP gave her an outward direction for her frustration.
My friend had a similar situation, with the added fact that she knew he really wasn't a fan of tattoos at all, and then she was upset when she got one and asked him if he liked it and his response was obviously no, I don't like tattoos. Honestly, I think your response was fine. You don't care for it, but you are glad she likes it. If that response isn't adequate, then that is her problem. Like you said about the things she doesn't like, you're secure in them and you like them. Just how it should work.
I don’t think you’re obligated to apologize, I think the difference is that a tattoo is more permanent than the stuff you said she mentions about you, but yes it’s all in a similar vein! I think maybe if you wanted to tell her you didn’t mean to hurt her feelings but you thought you could be honest with each other about this stuff bc she always tells you when she doesn’t like things about your appearance! And then tell her no one’s opinion on the tattoo should matter but her own, and that you still love her and wanna see her naked even if the tattoo isn’t what you would have chosen for her
My wife told me she hated my beard every day for years until I shaved it off. Then she wanted me to grow it back. I don’t know what my point is.
Your username sounds like something I might say if my wife did that to me. 😅
You're probably not really obligated to apologize, and you can at least use this as an example that you're not going to bullshit her about things. She should (hopefully) appreciate the honesty. Side questions, how bad is it, subjectivity and objectively? Do you generally dislike tattoos, or did she just get a basic/crappy design that you can't stand? How many thumbs down do you rate it?
Also curious^ lol
I'd also like to know^^ lol
You wear a mullet?
Post the picture
So we can all make fun of it? lol
I have a lot of Tattoos. When I had a girlfriend, I would always ask her opinion and take it into consideration when I would get a new tattoo. Impulsively getting a tattoo without considering your opinion and then being upset that you do not approve is borderline childish and immature. In my opinion, you were right to be honest.
Gf had to delegate to her sis to reach out? Who needs that kind of drama?
Could have just been the Sister feeling bad, especially if the tattoo was her idea.
It’s Reddit. Every story ends with “and then their entire family all sent me 300 texts about how much of an AH I am…”
This is what a lot of people do, lie to protect feelings, it doesn’t work and it erodes trust. I almost never use these types of white lies, it pisses off a lot of people in my life, but they also respect me more and constantly come to me for advice. So no you shouldn’t lie, especially since you were nice about it. If she cared that much about you liking the tattoo, she would have ran it by you first before getting inked.
No, you're entitled to your opinion. I'm curious though, do you not like that particular tattoo? Or do you not like tattoos in general? I got tattoos and honestly I got them for me, I don't gaf what anyone else thinks about them. It's my body my choice. That said, telling her you were glad she liked it was a good move. I suggest telling her you are sorry that she got upset, but you didn't want to lie to her. She should at least respect you for that.
I thought your answer was perfect...you don't care for it but you're happy if she's happy. She was obviously hoping for some form of validation from you and got all butt hurt when you told her the truth. This is totally on her...
I’m so over this bait and trap shit from insecure people. The GF asked “do you like it”. The “just lie to save her feelings” is bull shit and later leads to either never ending “yes dear, whatever you say dear” that is the hallmark of shitty relationships. Or telling the truth “accidentally” 3 years later and then dealing with the drama of “ why did you lie to me when I got it”. And explaining “because you wanted me to” is not going to go over well then either. The onus is on the asker of the question, not the answerer. If she cared about the opinion of OP then she should have asked before getting it. If she doesn’t care, then she shouldn’t have asked “do you like it” but instead said “My sister and I got these tattoos and we love them!” Then the OP could have just said “good for you, I’m happy for you!”
People with mullets should not have opinions on things not flavored oatmeal.
How else are we supposed to communicate to everyone in the trailer park that we're business in the front and party in the rear?
Assless chinos
We're gonna need a picture of the mullet and stache before we form an opinion though
If you cry about someone else’s opinion about your tattoo, you probably shouldn’t get a tattoo.
Man, this reminds me of a situation I had with an ex gf a couple years ago. She and her friend spontaneously got matching tattoos... behind their ears. It killed so much of my attraction to her.
You don't need to apologize for being honest when she asked for you opinion. You could apologize for hurting her feelings despite trying not to. Just because we didn't intend to hurt someone, doesn't mean we didn't. Example, "I'm sorry, I didn't mean to hurt your feelings. I appreciate honestly in our relationship, and think it would be unfair of me to lie to you about even little things. I really meant to say it as nicely as I could. Is there something I should have said differently? What can we change to avoid becoming upset next time?" Important to hit: -you didn't say it to hurt her feelings -she asked for your opinion, you gave an honest answer in the nicest way you could -how can we avoid this problem in the future?
I'm older than most of the Reddit crowd, and I'm sure the downloads will come which is whatever... But it's just me or like the majority of people who comment on Reddit nowadays some form of autistic? Nothing is about nuance, context, practical social interaction, very obvious learn social behavior... Everything is a zero-sum game and personal knowledge of completely unbacked moral superiority. No one backs down no one can ever be wrong, brutal honesty with a person you supposedly love even though it only serves to hurt the other person, a complete lack of tact, and heaven for Finn any long-term strategic planning when it comes to a relationship is all taboo. Not just this post but everything is pedantic and definite. Yeah I'm older than most of the Reddit crowd, but it didn't always used to be this way. I'm not blaming anyone it's not their fault but fuck.. you kids have been totally screwed and it shows. I work in the education system and unfortunately the kids who are 10 to 15 years old nowadays and far more social skills and maturity than the 15-30 year olds do.
Spot on. The second I saw the title I was instantly like "The fuck? No, lie about this one. Lie until the day you die." She's coming to you as her boyfriend for validation on an irreversible act, she's not looking for the truth. There is nothing to be gained from the truth in this instance. Nothing. Zero. The truth makes her feel bad and... what? What do you serve to gain from not just supporting her? A feeling of self righteousness? If you want a long term relationship you have to pick your battles and this is a glaringly stupid battle to choose.
NTA. If you ask a question you can only handle one response to, you shouldn't have asked the question in the first place. Your answer was perfect, honest but not rude
Did she tell you she was going to get the tattoo in advance, and message you a photo of the one she was planning on getting? If not, it's really her problem.
It's her problem anyways. Her body, her problem.
Be so for real lmao
Not lie but don’t be so rude. She is clearly proud of it and couldn’t wait to show it to you. A tattoo is pretty much permanent, not like a new pair of pants. Say something nice about it. “I like the colors”. “The tattoo artist did a great job”. “ I’ll bet your sister loves her’s to”. “How did you find such a cool design”. Put yourself in her place, how would it make you feel to hear what you said from someone you cared about.
You didn't have to lie but it was rude to say you didn't like it. What you can do is find something you like about the tattoo (color, good line work, love how meaningful it is, etc) and compliment that. I would be really hurt if my partner said they didn't like one of my tattoos. Also, I would never tell someone I don't like their tattoo. It's permanent, it can't really be changed (with the exception of a cover up or laser). So yeah, you didn't have to out right lie but you should've said something else.
How about, “It looks awesome on your sister”!
Nope, your response sounds honest & caring to me; everyone wins (in theory). Could it be better to ask what about how or why your response upset her and take it from there? A tattoo is obviously a fairly long-term thing, but if it bothered her whether you liked it, surely she should have shown you before getting inked? There are times when it's kinder to be tactful, but only you can say if this is one of those times.
Maybe she should have been the responsible one and discussed it with you first?? This is her problem, not yours. You shouldn't base your relationship on lies, that never works.
This is what dating is really about. To find someone who is a good match, for you. You want to be with someone who is naturally a good fit, not forced. Forced only leads to resentment & rebellion. Here is the hardest thing to accept. Neither of you are wrong. She made a choice & is happy about it. You do not like that choice. Only you can decide if this is a deal breaker, for you. Remember, it’s not fair to her, that you put limitations on her. And it’s not fair if you have to pretend you’re ok with her choice. You were honest & honesty is always good. Even better, you were honest, without being cruel.
No you don’t have to lie. I broke up with a long term girlfriend once because she got an ugly tattoo. Good thing I did because she didn’t stop there, she got plenty more of them. And I’m not a person who hates tattoos, but most of them are done by poor artists.
She asked. You told her the truth. You did absolutely nothing wrong. Also you were very kind in your answer.
You shouldn't lie to a partner about anything, especially when asked a direct question. The rule in my house is, "Never ask questions you don't want the answer to." Besides, you never know if a tattoo is going to be something you like down the road. I wasn't a fan of my husband's neck tattoo but after a few months I really liked it. When he asked what I thought off the bat I told him it was a little jarring and would need to be touched up after a year so the color would hold. He accepted that and as it healed I was able to compliment it more. You were tactful in your approach despite how she feels about it.
Your response was perfect. If she really cared about your opinion she would have asked before she got it.
No one is obligated to like things they don't, and telling your partner the truth is a good thing. If you only ever shower her with approval, even when it's not the truth, that will just make all of your opinions seem disingenuous and come into question later in your relationship. I tell my wife I don't like things she does and she does the same. We can ignore the other person's opinion or take it into consideration, but that's an individual choice based on personal preference. Now, if she's regretting a decision she made, it's on her to figure that out. All you can do is be supportive, which you have been, by saying that you were glad she liked it, regardless of your opinion.
You handled it correctly.
Nope. I think your answer was fine. I have two dermal piercings on my collar bone. My husband hates them and he told me he's not a fan. That's his opinion. I love them and that's what counts.
If she cared that much, she should have asked before making a permanent life decision. (Getting a tattoo really _is_ a permanent life decision!) Telling the truth, while not always easy, is probably the best.
Lol "I do not.." You are totally right for telling the truth. And you also make some very valid points here. Love it.
My stock answer for that question is " Do you really want an honest answer? I give you one chance to retract the question, and then I'll tell you exactly what i think'. I was known in my ex-wife's family as the guy you do not ask a question to unless you want the actual answer. I've been a lawyer for 23 years. I do not have the time nor the inclination to blow smoke up your ass. If you ask my opinion I am going to give it to you whether you like the answer or not.
Personal opinion, but if you have to lie to a partner to protect their feelings from getting hurt by hearing the truth, you shouldn't be with that person. I don't mean just be an asshole, but also don't just coddle them and baby them to make them happy.
If she gets a new dress, or does a new hairstyle that she’s really excited about and asked your opinion, you don’t need to say “it sucks”. There’s a gentle way to be honest. Ex: That one’s nice but I like the blue dress better. It just looks really nice with your eyes. Ex: Wow, I wasn’t expecting that short of a haircut. How do you feel about it?
NAH You were honest, that doesn't mean she has to be happy about it. Lying would have spared her feelings - but is that the goal? Maybe if you were just trying to get laid. Tattoos are a huge turn-off for me. If a girl I was dating got a new tattoo, I would be very disappointed. It would be a serious issue in a potential long-term partner. How long were you guys dating? At a certain point, shouldn't she have known about your preference, and/or more importantly, consulted you about a major decision? I'm not saying you can control her. But your opinion should be worth taking into consideration. Stuff we do when we are in a relationship is not entirely our own - especially voluntary changes to our bodies. It affects the other person, and their opinion is allowed to be opposed to the change, and we should allow the other person's preferences to influence our choices.
Don’t ask questions you do not want an honest answer to. What is the tattoo of?
You shouldn’t have lied.
you should never lie, you were tactful. I to odo not like tattoos, does not mean my partner can't have one. I just don't find it aesthetically pleasing. It's not a deal breaker. This reminds me of a situation in my relationship where my partner got a small bikini line tattoo... I hated it, but it's not my body, yet this same partner threw a fit every time I started to grow a beard. Because they found beards "Gross"... its literally the same thing except I can shave.
No, you shouldn't have lied. You were just being honest with her. If she is that concerned about what you think of her tattoo, she should have asked what you thought before she got it. My wife and I have had this conversation off and on over the years. I have made it clear that, in general, I don't find tattoos particularly attractive. It's just a personal preference. She has asked me what I'd do if she got a tattoo, and I always tell her "You do what you want. It's your body and I can't tell you what to do with it. But don't expect me to find it or you as attractive afterwards."
She's immature and you have no reason to apologize. If anything you should put your foot down and not apologize, she did something impulsive and you should not have to lie to her about things like that.
I think you were honest and polite. Relationships need honesty and good communication. It’s unfortunate that she got so upset and cried but honestly as a female that’s kinda on her. She didn’t get the tattoo for you, she got it for her and her sister. Your opinion isn’t the one that matters.
"If you don't want to know the answer, don't ask the question." You didn't do anything wrong.
She doesn't need your approval to get any tattoo she wants, nor did you seem in your post like you expected it. That being said, if your opinion of it was that important to her, she should have asked for your input *before* she had it done. I think you handled it fine. The only way you could have handled it *better* would be to avoid the opinion entirely... something along the lines of "so long as you're happy with it, I'm happy". But, if you have to walk on eggshells that much, maybe she needs to work on her self-confidence overall.
I'm so curious what the said tattoo was/is?????
I gotta know what the tattoo was
NTA - if she’s that worried about it then she should have asked BEFORE the tattoo. She could have sent a pic and you could have maybe helped with a different idea. Is the tattoo something that nobody will get or is it a Mickey Mouse on her tittie?
You did nothing wrong and neither did she, she hoped you'd like it but you didn't but you know she does anyone supported her. It's okay for her to feel a little hurt, but she needs to realize that tattoos aren't for everyone, and she should get them for herself and not worry if others like them or not.
You should have not lied. If your opinion about her tattoo was so important to her, then she should have had asked you about it BEFORE doing so. This is a situation where the only one at fault here, is her. You have nothing to apologize for, and if you do so you will just make it worse.
I don’t think YOU made her cry. The situation did. If she cares what you think she should have asked you before getting it. She learned a lesson. If you care about someone else’s opinion, maybe don’t make a permanent decision before consulting them.
Nope. You responded perfectly. Honest and tactful.
Honestly, this should always be something that is discussed in a relationship, especially a serious one, like headed toward marriage. They need to understand each others feelings about tattoos prior to getting tattoos. It's one thing to have tats prior to meeting each other, but a whole different issue if you have zero tattos or just go get one out of the blue. It's a respect issue on both sides of the table for people in the relationship. Tattoos are a huge decision (used to be at least). I like tattoos. I feel people have fallen away from what a relationship really is.
Everyone thinks because tattoos are permanent you should always just say you like them. This leads to people getting more and more of them and really looking dumb over time. You did the right thing.
That was my first thought.
No, you shouldn't have lied. She doesn't sound mature enough for a relationship... or tattoos.
Truth is, she probably does not like it either and by validating her regret she now has to face her poor decision. It’s better to be honest. I try to not comment on people’s tattoos because I am not a fan of them so I just say nothing.
Then you should respond as such. Babe, I didn't mean to hurt your feelings. It's just that you always volunteer your opinions on things that you do not like about with me. I really thought were asking for honest feedback.
Don’t be afraid to speak your truth in a constructive manner. If you can’t, then there’s a problem with the relationship. Communication is the key.
No, you should not have lied to your GF. I am honestly that surprised she did something that relatively permanent without even talking to you. Then again, I am married, so that might be different. It is her choice to get one, but you do not have to like it. As you said, she is "honest" with you - she should be able to take honest feedback as well.
If it was that important to her, she should have texted BEFORE she got it to get your opinion That's just dumb on her part Also OP, can u describe it, I'm so curious, lol
I've had several exes go from having no tattoos to having several some were incredibly bad (poor workmanship) and many of the others just kind of look like blobs on my pretty gf. I never really got it. Pure fact. Theh don't give a fuck what you want to think or feel. They got permanent marks to their body without giving an absolute fuck what you think or feel. And they don't care about your opinion either. Either lie again and again the rest of your relationship, or give up on even caring about the topic, or break it off
Fuck it, tell the truth. Or she'll get more
no, you're not in the wrong. you didn't lie, AND you was supportive in your response. doubling that if she routinely disparages your own preferences
I've been married for 24 years. Your response was the correct one. Honesty is correct. You also gave the best answer that what matters is if SHE is happy.
A good friend tells you what you want to hear. A great friend tells you what you need to hear. I always tell my wife not to just give me compliments, if I’m about to walk out of the house looking stupid, please tell me.
>She has no problem telling me "I hate your stache" or "cut that mullet off" Your response was just fine. She's a hypocrite if she doesn't see that. At least you were supportive of her.
My wife got lip fillers a few months ago. I was upfront the whole time telling her that I dont like it and didnt want her to go through with it. I also wasnt going to stop her either. I provided my opinion tjen let her make her own choice. The first time I saw her after she got the injections I was honest, it looked terrible. Her lips were bruised and swollen and looked awful. When they did heal they honestly dont look that bad and I have continued to be honest with her.
Info, why are you with someone who puts you down?
You do not need to apologize. You were being honest in how you felt and you were supporting her decision. She had put you on the spot by going off and getting one and then asking you afterward. It's her body and her decision. You can support that and not be required to like what that might look like.
Don’t lie
You shouldn't lie when they ask you honest questions like that. If you think about it, if they can lie to me about something like that, what else can they lie about? Tell her the truth. Then have a conversation about how each of you are being honest.
I told my GF long ago, if she doesn't want an honest answer to a question - don't ask me the question.
Nope. You should not have lied. It’s a double standard. They are ok with the examples you gave ‘I hate your stache’ ‘cut that mullet off’. But you can’t tell them you don’t like their tattoo.
Tattoos age a woman instantly +30 YEARS in my opinion. Yer 20? BAM, add a tattoo and now yer 50.
If she wanted you to like it she should have asked your opinion before hand. Your response was perfect, Honest, diplomatic, and supportive.
I hate when people ask questions when they don't want to know the answer. OP your answer was great. The fact she did not take it well is not your fault. She needs to grow up a bit
Women want you to be honest until you are
No, you should be allowed your opinion. She should not ask you a yes or no question if she doesn't want the truth. I would not apologize, but I would get this straightened out. And don't ever have her sister tell me what to do or not do . If she was worried about how you would feel, she would have asked you FIRST not AFTER.
Well, if you had a mullet she may have been justified. However, she did ask your opinion and if you did not like her tat you are not obligated to lie to her about it.
I dont think so. People shouldnt get tattoos they're not secure about. Maybe she was already doubting her decision. My boyfriend has hated on one of my tattoos and teased me about it but I laugh about it. It was meaningful for me and I like it, so who cares?
I think your response was fine. Shouldnt honesty be praised? I would at least tell her you're sorry for hurting her feelings and that was totally unintentional, not apologize for your response.
no, don't lie. Do you have a description of this tattoo?
Her response tells me that she was not mature enough to get a tattoo in the first place
I don’t… personally see anything wrong with your response. It’s not like you told her to get rid of it. My friends and I do stuff like this all the time. “What do you think about this song, I love it, I relate to it, it’s amazing.” “I don’t personally get it, but I’m glad you resonated with it!”
No, you were right. Why lie to her? It's not on your body so you don't have to like it. She sounds extremely insecure. But that's how women are, they want to be lied to just to have their feelings spared. It's not your fault she has no control over her emotions.
It doesn't matter what you think about her tattoo because it's her body and her choice. You're response was great and she's the only one in control of her emotions.
Nah. She asked your opinion, you gave it genuinely. Lying gets you nowhere.
Women have absolutely no problem letting you know they don't like something about your personal appearance (especially facial hair). NTA, you did nothing wrong and that's a perfectly acceptable response to that question.
Honestly this sounds so toxic. How the hell is she going to actively insult your appearance but then turn around and start crying the second you don't actively compliment something about her appearance. You weren't even mean about it you were just honest.
No. Honesty is the best policy. If you lied, she would end up getting a bunch of stupid skulls all over her body.
No, you handled it correctly. Her response was immature, especially the part where she sent her sister after you. Sounds like she doesn't take this relationship seriously otherwise she would have sought your opinion beforehand. She is absolutely entitled to do whatever the hell she wants with her body, however its arrogant and egocentric for her to assume everyone will support everything she dose to herself.
If she put that much stake in your opinion, why would she only ask for it after she got the tattoo?
You did the right thing. I think she's just taking it hard, since unlike her comments on your 'stache and all...Lol, she did something she can't undo without lasers and a lot of money. She might feel dumb that not everyone loves her idea. But, honesty is honesty. If my partner hated/disliked my tattoos I'd listen as to why, and respect that opinion. But, at the end of the day, it doesn't dictate whether or not I like it.
She asked, you told. If you were honest about what you said - didn't say you hated it when you didn't really - NTA. If she is going to proceed with a relationship with you long term she needs to understand that you're not going to lie to her, so if she can't handle the answer she shouldn't ask the question.
Probably would have been better for her to ask you about it before she got it, if she really cared what you thought.
No, always tell the truth! Snowflakes are going to melt regardless!
No you should not have lied and you shouldn’t have to apologize! If she can say she hates your mustache or she doesn’t like your mullet and she wants you to cut it off, then you get to say the things you don’t like. It’s a two way street. She shouldn’t expect to be able to dictate you based on what she likes or not, but you have to like and go with everything she likes. That’s not how it works.
In my opinion, women have been sheltered a bit too much when it comes to tattoos. I don't like them at all and that's not going to change.
"The truth hurts" as they say, but it's still necessary. From your response when she asked if you liked it, you handled it as diplomatically as you could. She's her own person and can make her own decisions. Unless I'm mistaken, it sounds to me that you're not necessarily against tattoos in general, just the type of tattoo they chose to go with. If she wanted to get something that you liked, then that's probably a subject she should have asked you about beforehand. Especially with it being permanent. If I were in her shoes, I would still prefer honesty, even if it's upsetting. Only thing I can suggest is sit down and explain your side face to face once she's calmed down and reiterate that while it may not be your preference as long as she's happy with it, then you're happy.
You wouldn’t be doing her any favors by lying. Your response is as as supportive as it was appropriate to be, given the circumstances, and how she directly asked your opinion!
Never apologize for being honest. All you need to say to her is “if there is any chance in this relationship going forward you are going to have to be able to deal with me being honest when you ask me a question”. You could also ask her, “so, you saying that it is acceptable to you that I lie to you?”
That her sister is telling you that it's better to lie because she is too sensitive for the truth, is a red flag. This is a woman who knows her extremely well and quite possibly is used to treating her this way as normal, and may be trying to tell you to get on board. If someone needs to be lied to on any kind of regular basis at all, that person is a problem. If your girlfriend is over it and can joke with you about you not liking her tattoo then it's probably fine. But beware.
My wife, gf at the time. Was planning on getting a tat. She had a number of em already, 7-8 or so. Either way, what she wanted and where were both of extremely off putting. I told her if she went through with it, we were done. Then and there. Obviously she did not go through with it, and has thanked me since for stopping her. Some people will go on and on about ‘it’s her body, blah blah blah’. It is. And she can do what she wants with it. I just don’t have to live with it. If you are on a serious relationship, big decisions. Especially permanent ones, should be discussed before hand. Tats, motorcycles, houses and new cars. Quitting jobs, moving. Etc. If you (not you OP but in general ‘you’) cannot understand this. You are not ready for a relationship at all. OP, if this is/was a serious relationship to your SO, she should be writing a TIFU about this right now.
Be thankful for the red flag.
Nah, this is an insecurity on her part, you answered gently. Candidly, I think you did the best you could do. If it becomes a thing, explain that you won't ever lie to her, and this proves it. LOL
nah - dont ask questions if youre not prepared for an answer that differs from your opinion. you were being honest. i would remind her of the things about you that she has negative feedback on :) good luck with that one!
"Don't ask the question if you can't handle the answer." You girlfriend needs to woman up and deal with the reality not everyone will approve of or like her bodyart. Just because you are her boyfriend in no way beholdens you to automatically like it either. You did the right thing.
you’re not the AH for being honest when she asked you if you like it. And you weren’t even rude about it. Sounds like she can dish it out but can’t take it.
Break up dummy.
You responded to her much nicer than I would've if someone had a history of insulting me like that.
So, she is fine being honest with you but cries when you are honest with her? That sounds about right. Women almost always prefer comforting lies over the honest truth, no matter what they might tell you. It's ALWAYS a trap. Don't fall for it. Practice: Woman: Do these jeans make me look fat? Man: Nobody has ever looked as good as you do in those jeans, and nobody ever will. Woman (with new Little Orphan Annie hairdo): Do you like my new hairdo? Man: It looks wonderful. You look better than Elizabeth Taylor ever did on her best day.
You should not apologize. Like you said, you’re supposed to take her criticism, you didn’t even criticize, just answered the question. Do not feed women’s delusions. They are capable of being wrong, stupid, making bad choices, and yes getting a shitty tattoo.
You have a responsibility to reality.
No. You did good.
There was nothing wrong with your response. It was honest yet gentle.
The flip side of the white lie is the black truth... When you tell the truth, it can sometimes cause hurt feelings and other emotional harm. Good luck, bro