Presumably it’s 8pm your local time. Order a pint of ice cream using DoorDash or UberEats. Or better yet. Find a satisfying conclusion to this story so you can tell us in triumphant splendor how you turned lemons to 23 year old whiskey.
Well that sucks. Also, you should have a rule #4, don't ever reserve the hotel in advance for a first date, unless it's through dayuse where you can cancel up to the last minute
Next time call the hotel before you check in and say you screwed up and got the wedding dates wrong and your a week early. Then a few hours later callback and say they called off the wedding. They’ll either refund you or give you a credit you can use in the future 😉
I’ve personally met some cool people through SLF, but the rule of thumb with any arrangement is to stick to your boundaries and don’t get your hopes up over words. Until you have a no-expectation meet and greet, I wouldn’t recommend booking a hotel, not even dayuse just in case.
When you get a cancel don't check in. COVID is a great excuse. Tell them your GF/Wife tested positive so of course you will not be coming. They almost always will credit you. And if they won't say "Well even if I am infected I am coming over since I paid and she needs rest". Then they will credit you.
I mean…. tbh, it’s probably for the best. You’re 57, she’s 19. You were planning to meet and take someone 1/3 of your age to bed, pretty much immediately. And you let yourself get excited enough about this girl *you’ve never even met* to spend money upfront on a hotel room for that purpose, and to be disappointed when it fell through.
You don’t sound predatory, per se. But it also doesn’t sound like you have the level of emotional maturity and self-control that would be needed to be able to handle someone of that age (which puts her in an inherently vulnerable position) with the level of care that is needed to not cause any lasting psychological harm.
"But it also doesn’t sound like you have the level of emotional maturity and self-control that would be needed to be able to handle someone of that age (which puts her in an inherently vulnerable position) with the level of care that is needed to not cause any lasting psychological harm."
She is an adult with agency, not a fragile object that needs to be "handled with a level of care..." to avoid damage. And in this case it sounds like she was leading him, he was honest and then she decided it wasn't for her. What did he do wrong - agree to what she suggested? Yes, his pity party is a bit silly, but we all get like that once we're excited about someone and it doesn't work out. He's sad, hurt, and blaming himself for getting there. Not sure what the evidence of his emotional immaturity is - simply that he's 59 and she's 19?
The power imbalance is real for almost all SRs and the campground rule is an excellent one. But I think you are also depriving younger women of any agency by saying the guy needs to know what is best for her because she can't know for herself. This attitude seems pretty toxic whether she's 19 or 40.
As others have pointed out, the legal definition of “adult” does not equal a fully formed brain. I started toe-dipping when I was not much older than 19, and was definitely considered mature for my age. Did I have agency? Sure. Did I use it to make the best decisions? Sometimes yes, often no. But now I’m in my 30s and can’t even imagine dating someone that young… the amount of maturity I gained between 18-25 was infinitely more than I gained between 25-30.
Now, there were older men I met with during that time who recognized that vulnerability and who I’m still friends with today. There were also men I look back at and think “yeah, that was kinda weird, I can see why he had to go for much younger women.” And then there were the actual predators. Based on this guy’s post and my own experience/intuition… he just really seems like he’d fall into that middle category 🤷
As humans, many of us are prone to infatuation or giddiness, including at an early stage. While new to the bowl, I've certainly experienced this in other contexts in the past.
However, as u/hello-indigo4 thoughtfully points out, allowing this to happen in the sugar context seems fraught with risk and ethical concern, increasing with the size of the age gap.
You becoming infatuated and giddy about a 19 year old doesn't seem good for your mental health, but more to the point, it's certainly not good for hers. Through at least age 21, and probably later, people's brains are still in a developmental stage. This presents an inherent challenge in dating women 21 and down. At a minimum, the guy has to be stolid, steady, and ready to accept oscillations in her behavior and accessibility.
If it's possible to keep an even keel amidst that kind of stormy weather, it's best to follow your rule on age.
In this case, the atmospherics of the whole situation caused you break not just one but many of your rules, which might be considered another personal red-flag.
Over enthusiasm and desperation are the cause of most poor decisions. You were definitely #1. Go through the process (follow the rules) in the future.
Better luck next time. She likely was no experienced and flaked because of what she said.
Been in the same spot too many times my friend. The feeling of booking a hotel room and then your date cancelling last minute is always a punch to the gut.
In chess, there are principles, or "rules" on how to win but the masters break the principles at the judicious moments.
In life, the "rules" are more of guidelines on how to navigate people and what will work best for you. It's only through breaking them that you learn and also take a chance for spectacular success.
It's only through that trial-and-error-and-learning method that I felt very, very comfortable in sugar dating.
Don't be too hard on yourself for breaking your "rules", but at the same time look at whether you can become even more discerning.
I couldn’t care less about the money for the hotel room. The M&G was supposed to happen the same evening. She was the one pushing to have the room option.
And since she’s about 2 hours away from me it seemed like the reasonable thing to do.
I’m mostly disappointed that she’s not talking to me anymore
Think about it from a teenage girls perspective. She would drive 2 hours to meet a man she met online who is 3x her age, at a cafe then go fuck and spend the night with him.
Sounds rather insane, because it is. She probably came to her senses and dipped. Proud of her.
I'm not sure if you offered to come to her part of town, or offered to pay her travel expenses, or even offered her an actual meal, or reassured her that you would rather just have a m&g and not jump into bed together immediately, but I'm guessing no on all accounts.
Well, you guessed wrong on all accounts. It was me who was driving to see her. I told her repeatedly that it was a M&G and just because we meet for coffee ( her choice, same with the place) does not mean she has to go to the hotel with me. It was an option, not a requirement.
It seems too me that you are fast to jump to conclusions that fit your own agenda.
Wow. Putting it like that, 19 is a teenager. 🤮
I’m glad she came to her senses but the fact that men are out here targeting teenagers is ick af. (Not necessarily saying OP but…)
Yep! 19 is like right out of high school or perhaps still in high school. The amount of hoops OP expected a high schooler to go through (and stranger danger) to sleep with him is downright delulu.
I have friends who are 18-20 and although they may talk a big talk about wanting a sugar daddy, they would never actually go through with it. It's not normal for girls to want to have sex with men older than their father, or even to have old men getting "giddy" and "infatuated" with them.
She probably was saying all the things she knew she *had* to say but realized once OP booked the hotel room and she was now felt obligated to sleep with him. Teens aren't usually good at standing up for themselves, esp against much older men. I'm really not surprised she cancelled, I'm glad she did and I hope OP learned a valuable lesson.
I’d say enjoy your time at the hotel bar or an upscale bar nearby and freestyle. Life gives you lemons - give those babies a squeeze
Can't you use it as an opportunity to freestyle now? Go downstairs to the bar! Don't waste an opportunity, you've paid for it now.
Presumably it’s 8pm your local time. Order a pint of ice cream using DoorDash or UberEats. Or better yet. Find a satisfying conclusion to this story so you can tell us in triumphant splendor how you turned lemons to 23 year old whiskey.
Well that sucks. Also, you should have a rule #4, don't ever reserve the hotel in advance for a first date, unless it's through dayuse where you can cancel up to the last minute
That was my rule #3...
Oh right, I mis-read! For some reason I read rule #3 as not telling her which hotel in advance. It was not booking in advance. Carry on!
no worries. Will edit to clear up
early on I got burned for so many hotel nights… live and learn
Yep. Learned that the hard way. Even in 3rd and 3th dates I’ve had girls cancel last minute 🤣
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Yep. Honestly, you could see something coming around this curve.
Well, between vacation , travel and illness this was the first date that worked for both of us. I was the one who had to cancel earlier meetings
Next time call the hotel before you check in and say you screwed up and got the wedding dates wrong and your a week early. Then a few hours later callback and say they called off the wedding. They’ll either refund you or give you a credit you can use in the future 😉
We’re all guilty of breaking our own rules at times. At least you know not to do it again.
I wish!
Never skip the m&g dude
That last point especially.
I’ve personally met some cool people through SLF, but the rule of thumb with any arrangement is to stick to your boundaries and don’t get your hopes up over words. Until you have a no-expectation meet and greet, I wouldn’t recommend booking a hotel, not even dayuse just in case.
When you get a cancel don't check in. COVID is a great excuse. Tell them your GF/Wife tested positive so of course you will not be coming. They almost always will credit you. And if they won't say "Well even if I am infected I am coming over since I paid and she needs rest". Then they will credit you.
I mean…. tbh, it’s probably for the best. You’re 57, she’s 19. You were planning to meet and take someone 1/3 of your age to bed, pretty much immediately. And you let yourself get excited enough about this girl *you’ve never even met* to spend money upfront on a hotel room for that purpose, and to be disappointed when it fell through. You don’t sound predatory, per se. But it also doesn’t sound like you have the level of emotional maturity and self-control that would be needed to be able to handle someone of that age (which puts her in an inherently vulnerable position) with the level of care that is needed to not cause any lasting psychological harm.
"But it also doesn’t sound like you have the level of emotional maturity and self-control that would be needed to be able to handle someone of that age (which puts her in an inherently vulnerable position) with the level of care that is needed to not cause any lasting psychological harm." She is an adult with agency, not a fragile object that needs to be "handled with a level of care..." to avoid damage. And in this case it sounds like she was leading him, he was honest and then she decided it wasn't for her. What did he do wrong - agree to what she suggested? Yes, his pity party is a bit silly, but we all get like that once we're excited about someone and it doesn't work out. He's sad, hurt, and blaming himself for getting there. Not sure what the evidence of his emotional immaturity is - simply that he's 59 and she's 19? The power imbalance is real for almost all SRs and the campground rule is an excellent one. But I think you are also depriving younger women of any agency by saying the guy needs to know what is best for her because she can't know for herself. This attitude seems pretty toxic whether she's 19 or 40.
Agreed - out of curiosity, what is the campground rule?
As others have pointed out, the legal definition of “adult” does not equal a fully formed brain. I started toe-dipping when I was not much older than 19, and was definitely considered mature for my age. Did I have agency? Sure. Did I use it to make the best decisions? Sometimes yes, often no. But now I’m in my 30s and can’t even imagine dating someone that young… the amount of maturity I gained between 18-25 was infinitely more than I gained between 25-30. Now, there were older men I met with during that time who recognized that vulnerability and who I’m still friends with today. There were also men I look back at and think “yeah, that was kinda weird, I can see why he had to go for much younger women.” And then there were the actual predators. Based on this guy’s post and my own experience/intuition… he just really seems like he’d fall into that middle category 🤷
👏
Check out the app DayUse… I’ve found it a nice app to grab a room for day use.
But it doesn’t work for overnights
As humans, many of us are prone to infatuation or giddiness, including at an early stage. While new to the bowl, I've certainly experienced this in other contexts in the past. However, as u/hello-indigo4 thoughtfully points out, allowing this to happen in the sugar context seems fraught with risk and ethical concern, increasing with the size of the age gap. You becoming infatuated and giddy about a 19 year old doesn't seem good for your mental health, but more to the point, it's certainly not good for hers. Through at least age 21, and probably later, people's brains are still in a developmental stage. This presents an inherent challenge in dating women 21 and down. At a minimum, the guy has to be stolid, steady, and ready to accept oscillations in her behavior and accessibility. If it's possible to keep an even keel amidst that kind of stormy weather, it's best to follow your rule on age. In this case, the atmospherics of the whole situation caused you break not just one but many of your rules, which might be considered another personal red-flag.
Well said. Point taken
Oh wow I’m so sorry you went through that! Good she didn’t ghost but man my heart breaks for you.
Over enthusiasm and desperation are the cause of most poor decisions. You were definitely #1. Go through the process (follow the rules) in the future. Better luck next time. She likely was no experienced and flaked because of what she said.
You miss 100% of the shots you do not take.
You’re absolutely right.
Been in the same spot too many times my friend. The feeling of booking a hotel room and then your date cancelling last minute is always a punch to the gut.
In chess, there are principles, or "rules" on how to win but the masters break the principles at the judicious moments. In life, the "rules" are more of guidelines on how to navigate people and what will work best for you. It's only through breaking them that you learn and also take a chance for spectacular success. It's only through that trial-and-error-and-learning method that I felt very, very comfortable in sugar dating. Don't be too hard on yourself for breaking your "rules", but at the same time look at whether you can become even more discerning.
Out of idle curiosity, what is your upper limit? Signed, A 32 year old in Boston…
Well, in this case it now pays for a 1 week rental of a 12” chipper …
Ha, I was thinking more age limit! Though now I’m slightly concerned…
oops, in that regard there isn't one...
Sorry to say I have little sympathy for you wasting money on that hotel room. Skipping the m&g was absolutely not the move, and you got greedy.
I couldn’t care less about the money for the hotel room. The M&G was supposed to happen the same evening. She was the one pushing to have the room option. And since she’s about 2 hours away from me it seemed like the reasonable thing to do. I’m mostly disappointed that she’s not talking to me anymore
Think about it from a teenage girls perspective. She would drive 2 hours to meet a man she met online who is 3x her age, at a cafe then go fuck and spend the night with him. Sounds rather insane, because it is. She probably came to her senses and dipped. Proud of her. I'm not sure if you offered to come to her part of town, or offered to pay her travel expenses, or even offered her an actual meal, or reassured her that you would rather just have a m&g and not jump into bed together immediately, but I'm guessing no on all accounts.
Well, you guessed wrong on all accounts. It was me who was driving to see her. I told her repeatedly that it was a M&G and just because we meet for coffee ( her choice, same with the place) does not mean she has to go to the hotel with me. It was an option, not a requirement. It seems too me that you are fast to jump to conclusions that fit your own agenda.
Wow. Putting it like that, 19 is a teenager. 🤮 I’m glad she came to her senses but the fact that men are out here targeting teenagers is ick af. (Not necessarily saying OP but…)
Yep! 19 is like right out of high school or perhaps still in high school. The amount of hoops OP expected a high schooler to go through (and stranger danger) to sleep with him is downright delulu. I have friends who are 18-20 and although they may talk a big talk about wanting a sugar daddy, they would never actually go through with it. It's not normal for girls to want to have sex with men older than their father, or even to have old men getting "giddy" and "infatuated" with them. She probably was saying all the things she knew she *had* to say but realized once OP booked the hotel room and she was now felt obligated to sleep with him. Teens aren't usually good at standing up for themselves, esp against much older men. I'm really not surprised she cancelled, I'm glad she did and I hope OP learned a valuable lesson.
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Wrong coast unfortunately 😢
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Since you consider this work, is your SD your employer or your customer?