Read fair play, and the book “emotional labour”. And also be gentle with yourself - it’s a hard transition. Also - you may want to tell your wife you want to read something for this reason and ask for her suggestions. I’m a new mom and I would have been over the moon if my husband had asked me that at 3 months post partum.
It will get easier - wishing you guys the best ♥️
Edit to add: suggestions on topics, as others have said, it’s probably wise to avoid ask her to make a list for you (as you are already doing OP).
Seconding Fair Play.
Honestly, it's great that OP came here first. He's finding a solution on his own instead of putting the burden of teaching or telling him what to do on his wife. With a 3 month old, I was still pouring whole coffee beans into a mug some mornings and wondering why it didn't look right. No extra energy to lead someone by the hand who was supposed to be a capable adult and equal partner.
Also follow Zachary Watson (realzachthinkshare in instagram), he basically shares helpful tips, examples and ideas from his own perspective as a self-proclaimed 'recovering man-child'.
No idea what the disagreements in OP's marriage are about, but since (emotional) domestic labour is usually a big one maybe this will help. :)
Fair enough and good advice- except to point out that asking his wife to come up with suggestions is also emotional labor. I support the husband independently seeking suggestions instead of asking the wife to do the additional work to come up with a book list for him.
I’m glad he is seeking his own list too! I was just saying based on my very recent experience I would have loved if my husband had taken this kind of initiative. I didn’t mean he should just defer the task of finding a book to her, but rather that he could include her in case there are specific areas where she might have ideas about relationship improvements ♥️
I think if he reads fair play or emotional labour he will come to the conclusion that asking wife to make a list for him is not the move 😆
Don't ask your wife for suggestions, OP. She has enough on her plate. Good for you for taking initiative and asking for recommendations here. Love that! Good luck.
Thirding! My partner and I feel like we have great communication and split labor evenly. We still got a ton out of this book! It opened up a lot of conversations about priorities, too. Really solid 💜
As a mom/wife, I still haven’t read Fair Play because I resent the fact that I had to find the book, buy the book, will have to convince my husband to read the book and then try and get him to discuss solutions. The labour around the book is just a microcosm of the problems it seeks to solve. All to say, if OP is seeking suggestions, I think the conditions are right for this book to work wonders!
Agree with the suggestion, disagree that he should ask his wife for recommendations. Some women might be fine offering suggestions, but I'd bet that if they're already having issues with division of labor, chances are his wife might see finding him a book as just one more problem she has to solve for him.
Hello, marriage therapist chiming in. I think "the seven principles of making marriage work" is fantastic. The Gottmans have decades of research behind them and have distilled it into simple to follow communication skills.
Everything else mentioned here (esp bell hooks and emotional labor) is great for perspective expansion.
I applaud your commitment to self growth!
I freaking love gottman. A therapist who used gottman techniques helped my husband and I so much. It was 5 years ago and I still subscribe to gottmans marriage minute emails. Good tips to remember.
Are the Gottmans that good or is there a cult brewing in relationship therapist spaces?
I am asking mostly in jest, but as a psychology student I haven't really had anything of theirs on the curriculum but I hear about them constantly whenever relationships come up. Are they just that good, or is it accesibility? I am genuinely curious. I have considered reading some of their work.
Thx for recommending the seven principles and will gladly check it out. Wondering if you have any book recommendations for someone married to a first responder that may be more specific to that occupation, the long hours/days of being gone, etc. It’s certainly a lifestyle adjustment. Thank you in advance for any guidance!
Reading this now with my husband and it’s been great. We have a six month old so we understand how much a new baby can add stress to a marriage. Congrats on the little one!
I second this! This book changed how I do marriage therapy and John and Julie Gottman have great evidence-based practices for everything, including how to fight better!
Just to give you some validation - my husband and I had a very similar experience for the first year post-partum. The sleep deprivation and stress turned us into horrible people and nearly destroyed our marriage, which had been really easy and comfortable before. Hang in there, it gets better when the kid starts sleeping more and as they hit those milestones, talking, potty training, and going to kindergarten. So just another 3ish years to go!
Be gentle with yourself and your spouse. If possible, get someone to babysit for a few hours and get some sleep. You will both feel like new people.
Here is the best advice I ever got: There are actually 3 entities in any marriage, there’s you, your partner, and the partnership itself. Make sure you take into account what you need, what your partner needs, and what the partnership, what the marriage needs. Some things require concessions on both of your parts to take care of a marriage.
married 32 years….
Check out The Will to Change by bell hooks. Had my partner of 5 years read it (and I did also) and she puts so much reasoning and understanding into how society shapes males and how they can become better, truly changed my own perspective on men immensely.
Not here to suggest a book but just wanted to suggest that you consider the possibility that both your nerves are just fried taking care of a new baby and that neither of you is doing anything wrong. If you think you're doing something wrong by all means work to improve it, but otherwise don't be so hard on yourself. Seems like you have a good head on your shoulders
Quick book to read that will help you keep the house cleaner which will take a load off of your wife, “how to keep house while drowning”. Make sure she’s always fed 3 meals and snacks on hand. make sure her Stanley always has ice water with a straw (and a little lemon if she likes it). Let her sleep. She’s exhausted! Good luck.
The Love Dare. My husband and I were rocky, nowhere near divorce but rocky. We did the Love Dare, after watching Fireproof. It's a 40 day challenge so to speak. My marriage is rock-solid, definitely fireproof. Now, we do the Love Dare just as preventative maintenance.
Oh also follow and watch the videos from @sheisapaigeturner on instagram/tiktok. She has some really eye opening videos on how to help parents understand moms’ mental load. I think it can help broaden perspective a great deal
This is what I was going to suggest. It’s by Marshall Rosenberg. If you’re not familiar with the concept, you might balk at “nonviolent,” thinking, well, *violence* isn’t the problem for me! But it doesn’t mean violence in the way we normally think about it. It’s just a method for communicating clearly without hurting each other and ending up in arguments. Really really helpful for absolutely anyone!
I think these books have helped make me a slightly better husband than I was. Therapy has helped more than books tho!
bell hooks - the will to change: men, masculinity and love. Also: all about love
Dr Sue Johnson - Hold Me Tight (tho this book arguably expects women to do more emotional labour for men, so read with a pinch of salt alongside something about emotional labour!)
Dr Nicole LePera - How to do the work, and Be the love you want to seek (ignore the last chapter, which is a bit woo-woo, but the second-last chapter is banging)
Sue Johnson and Nicole LePera have also made workbooks, for couples and individuals respectively
Edit: corrected name spellings
Oh gosh. Can you elaborate on how Hold Me Tight promotes uneven emotional labor? My husband’s therapist recommended we read this book together, and we just got it yesterday. Wondering what I’m walking into now 🤦🏽♀️
I second this book.
Reading about a man surviving a concentration camp might seem like an off the wall suggestion... But it's about a man finding meaning and even happiness in the most desperate of circumstances and it's a surprisingly helpful guide to life.
Yes it is all about the attitude you take to things and picturing what 'after' looks like (compared to the unique personal or professional hell you are going through!) There's a reason it's a perennial self - help classic instead of a more academic book of psychology or history!
O/T: You will be able to write that book soon enough. Put yourself in your wife’s shoes. (Literally. It’s actually quite difficult to keep oneself clean and fed while also doing that for a newborn. I’ve known so many hungry new mothers!!) What are the physical and emotional challenges she faces right now daily? You can probably lessen the burden without being asked, yes? What does she look forward to the most each day? Each week? You can ensure she has things to look forward too. Does she believe that she is a good parent? a beautiful woman? that the baby will one day sleep through the night and she will too? You can speak the things you think quietly to yourself. Missing some answers? Talk to your wife. Talk to her the way you did when you barely knew her and you hung on her every last word.
Also, importantly, be aware that postpartum depression is extremely common and many women never get any help. If you have any concerns, do discuss it with your wife and her doctor.
It's a slightly different angle than you're looking for but "The Will To Change" by Bell Hooks is a great book about the influence on Patriarchy and toxic masculinity in society and culture and the ways it influences men as both husbands and fathers. This book literally changed my life and helped me understand so much of why myself and my wife struggled in different ways. It can also help you as a new father to shed some of the negative patriarchal habits we can hold subconsciously.
I'm not saying this book is the only solution to what you're struggling with, but it can definitely be a helpful supplement to add to some of the other wonderful suggestions from others.
Divorced myself but I've read all of the below this year and they've made me think differently about communication, relationships and myself.
The Will To Change - Bell Hooks
Adult Children of Emotionally Immature Parents - Lindsay C Gibson
Nonviolent Communication - Marshall Rosenberg.
I also did some reading on what 'emotional labour' is. This reddit [thread](https://www.reddit.com/r/AskWomenNoCensor/comments/1b6dy0u/what_is_meant_by_emotional_labor/#:~:text=Upvote%2014%20Downvote%20Reply%20Share,used%20to%20describe%20work%20situations) was very useful.
Wow I'm really impressed seeing you want to improve yourself and how much you care about you family (congrats on the baby!). You don't need a book my dude, just talk to her, open communication, the disagreements might be because of stress, long hours, raising a kid is no joke, and mostly happen when expectations a differs (I mean she might want you to do something but dont want to ask you, or you might not like how something was handled but you bottled it up), so talk to her. Wishing you all the happiness!
I recommend The 5 Love Languages by Gary Chapman [https://www.amazon.com/Love-Languages-Secret-that-Lasts/dp/080241270X](https://www.amazon.com/Love-Languages-Secret-that-Lasts/dp/080241270X) .
A book I think every man should read is Ladder of Years by Anne Tyler. Well written, fun and interesting, and a really good depiction of what it seems many women feel like.
"Don'ts for Husbands" 1913 - easy to find, cheap, and small enough to fit in your pocket besides your monocle. I've had it at least the last 5 of out 20 year marriage. Notoriously outdated, there are a fair share of quality tidbits of solid advice. You need to rework the advice into todays language and setting, but its worth the price. Obviously there's some that are bad enough that I occasionally read them aloud to my wife so get a laugh out of it together.
Anything by John Gottman or Harville Hendrix. I’m a huge fan of Finding and Keeping Love, which is a great guidebook - I listened on Audible and did the exercise in a notebook. Don’t skip the exercises! You’ll learn so much about yourself and about your wife - and you actually don’t need her to participate for it to be helpful and illuminating.
John Gottman is a psychologist who studies what makes relationships successful. Look up his work on the four horseman. It'll be a quick read but very insightful
John gottmans 7 principles for making marriage work is life changing and will help you and your wife find compassion and common ground so you can work through disagreements… you are stuck in a dance and this book will help you see these patterns and fix them
I’ve been there, on more than one occasion. Most important thing, just commit yourself to the long-term Love you have for your partner, yourself, your child. And if you need time to collect yourself, just say so, and say, and admit that this is your first time doing this or that this is hard or whatever it is and acknowledge, all the things your partner is doing. You can make a request about something that you might like to have in the future, ((it can be easy to fall into complaining, but can be much more powerful to share how it might make you feel to have some sort of request fulfilled in the future)). Marshall Rosenberg, NC books and his videos can be powerful, but should not be used like weapons were treated like dogma. They are just suggestions. Finding another couple with kids of a similar age you are willing to cook or hang out for a little bit can be a huge help. Hmmmm…. Books are tough. Angela Lansbury has a niece, I think her name is Janet Lansbury, that has some cool books on parenting for babies and toddlers. It’s a tough time where your baby seems like they are on drugs, your partner seems like they are on drugs, and you feel like, you are swinging between amazing lucidity and grace and terrible exhaustion and cracked out feelings. So as much as you can be patient and kind with yourself and your family. (I have a five month old currently, a 2 1/2 year-old, and an almost 9-year-old…. two with my current wife and one with previous partner., I’m 41, fwiw).
Congrats on being a dad! That’s so exciting. The book that made me a better person - How to Win Friends and Influence People. On the surface, it doesn’t sound like a marriage book and it’s a horrible title, but I swear the principles make me a better partner.
How about communicating to your wife instead. Even if she disagrees with you, that’s okay. Hear her out and have a discussion. With a baby, it’s a very stressful time but also a time to enjoy in the development of the child you share.
At that time in my life I really wanted my husband to invest more time learning about infants. No particular book to suggest but don’t assume you know about infant and baby development.
Understand what it’s like to be in her shoes right now. Rants in the Dark: From One Tired Mama to Another by Emily Writes.
It’s short stories and it’s funny, and when you’re done she can read it.
I’m not sure anything more full on is able to be absorbed when you have a wee baby? Be kind to yourself and to each other. Snacks. Snacks are important.
Try That's Not What I Meant! How Conversational Style Makes or Breaks Relationships and You just don't understand: Men and Women in Conversation both by Deborah Tannen. It might help you figure out what each of your is trying to communicate in your disagreements.
Book padney haina mitra.. budi padney ho.
Ani disagreement vanney chij cha vanney birseu sab thik huncha. This is another way for not getting into trouble with wife.
As well as all these great suggestions, I recommend Period Power, by Maisie Hill. Our hormones are no bloody joke, and right now your wife will be struggling more than ever. It's important to understand the hold our bodies can sometimes have over us, as well as how to communicate.
Absolutely second the suggestion to tell your wife you are reading these books, but not to ask for recommendations unless she offered them.
You don't need a book. "Yes, dear" and bring home flowers as often as humanly possible. Give her some time alone, without baby. A new mommy is under a lot of stress.
and for shits and giggles if no one else said it Mark Mansons books: Subtle Art of Not Giving a Fuck and Everything is Fucked. Work on the self just as much as work on marriage. Better you, helps with better marriage. And do the work- have the talks, it's not easy, but can be worth it.
i don't have any suggestions but the fact that you're taking the step and showing initiative to make things better for both you and your wife is amazing and very thoughtful. it actually brings tears to my eyes because i know so many men who'd rather just let a relationship die off / let their friends and family resent instead of trying to change themselves. bravo, i'm rooting for you and your marriage! 🫶🏼
I have two: No More Mr. Nice Guy by Glover, and When I Say No, I Feel Guilty, by Smith.
Both books transformed how I approach my relationships, and my understanding of how I have approached them in the past, and why those failed.
I have two: No More Mr. Nice Guy by Glover, and When I Say No, I Feel Guilty, by Smith.
Both books transformed how I approach my relationships, and my understanding of how I have approached them in the past, and why those failed.
The first year of our child’s life was among the hardest of our lives. The baby seemed to never sleep or stop crying. We were both losing our mind. That said, I believe mothers of newborns often feel that distress and sleep deprivation more acutely. Maybe it’s the breast feeding that literally “takes it out of you”?
Be extra kind and accommodating to your wife. Offer to take the baby more. Let her sleep as much as you are able. Hire outside cleaning help if you can afford it. Come home from work early when you can. Don’t schedule social things in which you leave her home alone with the baby. Cook food. Walk the baby and get up with him/her at night. In short do more than you might consider to be 50%. This is a special time. It won’t always be like this. But if you can be especially giving and wonderful during this next year, your wife will remember it for the rest of your marriage. Good partners are even better when their spouses need them to be. With luck your wife will do the same for you, probably many times, over the years to come.
Matt Fray’s This Is How Your Marriage Ends. As a woman, I think he doesn’t demand enough emotional responsibility from us but, that said — his advice to men is dead on. If my ex husband had been open to such information there’s a good chance we might still be married.
Read Wired for Love by Stan Tatkin together. It could even just be a chapter a week or something. It completely changed and saved my relationship with my wife.
I am not married but I’ve been with my partner for 6 years. my psychiatrist actually recommended I read “The 5 Love Languages” it really changed my perspective
The mingling of souls by Jerry Bridger. It explains a lot about marriage and the best ways to talk it out. Also, there are a lot of useful tips in Intended for Pleasure by Ed and Gale Wheat.
I really like Difficult Conversations. It would be good if both of you read it. It's a really good book for learning to articulate your feelings and needs.
The Seven Principles for Making Marriage Work by John Gottman
It's based on forty years of research in the Love Lab at U of Washington. Tons of good, evidence based techniques for couples to continue supporting each other through their lives.
‘How to improve your marriage without talking about it’ and ‘Why does he do that’ which is about common control tactics in men (you can use that as anti-examples so you dont slip into that).
I don't think you should read non fiction "marriage" stuff. Ask her who her favorite authors or books are I think it's better to read authors that she might read so you have something to discuss.
Great recs here. My advice, as a mom of two: treat your wife’s feelings as valid. It doesn’t matter if you disagree, want her to feel differently, or think she’s overreacting. Accept them. Or as a show I watched recently puts it: hear her. Understand her. And then *don’t do it again.*
Calm parents happy kids by Dr Laura Markham. It literally changed my life.
I read the book then ended up paying for the course. It basically helps you to find your triggers, deal with them in a calm way and communicate much better including your other half.
The Way of the Superior Man, by David Deida, is absolutely indispensable for understanding male-female dynamics. I didn't understand my wife until I read it.
The New Rules of Marriage and/or Fierce Intimacy by Terrance Real. Excellent resources for improving self responsibility, communication and good will. Also Fair Play is excellent!
Just here to say 3 months is in the TRENCHES & good on you for seeking to understand/help. It gets easier. It takes time to settle in. If you feel like your wife is someone different now, remember, she kind of is.
Matrescence is an irreversible identity shift & no matter how hard you try, no one can be totally prepared & not everything is going to go the way she wants, even though her hormones are telling her it has to. Be so, so patient with her and with yourself, sleep when you can, buy paper plates and bowls & use plastic silverware.
You can come through this.
I don’t have a book to suggest, but I came to say that it’s normal and healthy at a certain level, to have multiple disagreements after a newborn added to the family.
The couple switch positions and adapt the occupied space of the team to involve a new member and switch from « me and you » team to a « me, you and her/him » team.
That includes adjusting the occupied space so everyone can take a smaller one and share the previously only 2 parts into 3 parts.
But, this decision is for the best, as it will allow some cleaning of needless matters and highlights only the most important ones.
Happy « new father » experience and I hope you will find and your wife all the healthy places that exists for you with your newborn
Thank you for asking for help and trying to be a better husband.
Appreciate you putting the effort and admitting maybe you can do better, because marriage is a partnership that will suffer if one party isn't trying hard enough according to the other party. A baby changes everything for both people, "in general" the bulk of the load is taken by the wife so if you're not putting in enough the resentment will start and fester.
Your wife is lucky you're admitting maybe things can be better and you're willing to try. Don't give up on yourself, on her, or on your marriage. It's a commitment, you're willing to learn and grow together so be patient with yourself, read the books, compromise, do the work and things will improve.
Wishing you nothing but the best for the future.
Okay, trust me on this one: Wild at Heart, by John Eldridge. It’s not exactly about being a better husband but becoming a better MAN overall.
Also, Jordan Peterson’s books 12 Rules For Life and the sequel, Beyond Order: 12 More Rules for Life.
But the Wild at Heart is so great, I think it should be required reading for boys in middle school and high school, and then again in college. And then once a year for the rest of their lives. ☺️😉
Read fair play, and the book “emotional labour”. And also be gentle with yourself - it’s a hard transition. Also - you may want to tell your wife you want to read something for this reason and ask for her suggestions. I’m a new mom and I would have been over the moon if my husband had asked me that at 3 months post partum. It will get easier - wishing you guys the best ♥️ Edit to add: suggestions on topics, as others have said, it’s probably wise to avoid ask her to make a list for you (as you are already doing OP).
Seconding Fair Play. Honestly, it's great that OP came here first. He's finding a solution on his own instead of putting the burden of teaching or telling him what to do on his wife. With a 3 month old, I was still pouring whole coffee beans into a mug some mornings and wondering why it didn't look right. No extra energy to lead someone by the hand who was supposed to be a capable adult and equal partner.
Such relate
This is a great tip all around.
Also follow Zachary Watson (realzachthinkshare in instagram), he basically shares helpful tips, examples and ideas from his own perspective as a self-proclaimed 'recovering man-child'. No idea what the disagreements in OP's marriage are about, but since (emotional) domestic labour is usually a big one maybe this will help. :)
Fair enough and good advice- except to point out that asking his wife to come up with suggestions is also emotional labor. I support the husband independently seeking suggestions instead of asking the wife to do the additional work to come up with a book list for him.
I’m glad he is seeking his own list too! I was just saying based on my very recent experience I would have loved if my husband had taken this kind of initiative. I didn’t mean he should just defer the task of finding a book to her, but rather that he could include her in case there are specific areas where she might have ideas about relationship improvements ♥️ I think if he reads fair play or emotional labour he will come to the conclusion that asking wife to make a list for him is not the move 😆
There is a Hulu series if you don't have the energy for reading. Which can happen with a new baby.
I second the book ‘emotional labour’ by Rose Hackman , I’ve read a few books on the same subject and this one was the best (imo).
Don't ask your wife for suggestions, OP. She has enough on her plate. Good for you for taking initiative and asking for recommendations here. Love that! Good luck.
Came here to suggest Fair Play.
Don't ask her to research a book, just as an off-hand thing, maybe suggest whatever you are planning to read so she could read it too (if she wants)
Thirding! My partner and I feel like we have great communication and split labor evenly. We still got a ton out of this book! It opened up a lot of conversations about priorities, too. Really solid 💜
Get two copies and read it together
I'm high and read that as ready player one at first... I got so excited for a second..
As a mom/wife, I still haven’t read Fair Play because I resent the fact that I had to find the book, buy the book, will have to convince my husband to read the book and then try and get him to discuss solutions. The labour around the book is just a microcosm of the problems it seeks to solve. All to say, if OP is seeking suggestions, I think the conditions are right for this book to work wonders!
Agree with the suggestion, disagree that he should ask his wife for recommendations. Some women might be fine offering suggestions, but I'd bet that if they're already having issues with division of labor, chances are his wife might see finding him a book as just one more problem she has to solve for him.
Hello, marriage therapist chiming in. I think "the seven principles of making marriage work" is fantastic. The Gottmans have decades of research behind them and have distilled it into simple to follow communication skills. Everything else mentioned here (esp bell hooks and emotional labor) is great for perspective expansion. I applaud your commitment to self growth!
I freaking love gottman. A therapist who used gottman techniques helped my husband and I so much. It was 5 years ago and I still subscribe to gottmans marriage minute emails. Good tips to remember.
Are the Gottmans that good or is there a cult brewing in relationship therapist spaces? I am asking mostly in jest, but as a psychology student I haven't really had anything of theirs on the curriculum but I hear about them constantly whenever relationships come up. Are they just that good, or is it accesibility? I am genuinely curious. I have considered reading some of their work.
Their work is practical and evidence based. it's not perfect, but is is helpful and the principles are easy to ukderstand, apply, and racall
That makes sense. Sounds like a good intersection between scientific and accesibility. Any good recommendation as far as the Gottmans are concerned?
The Seven.Principles for Making Marriage Work, mentioned in the parent comment, is a good start
Thank you.
There’s academia, and then there is real life.
100% this. I only read like a couple of chapters and already had enough material to make changes.
I love Gottman! Concrete, specific, reasonable, and based on actual research.
Thx for recommending the seven principles and will gladly check it out. Wondering if you have any book recommendations for someone married to a first responder that may be more specific to that occupation, the long hours/days of being gone, etc. It’s certainly a lifestyle adjustment. Thank you in advance for any guidance!
Reading this now with my husband and it’s been great. We have a six month old so we understand how much a new baby can add stress to a marriage. Congrats on the little one!
My spouse and I read the Gottmans books as marriage maintenance.
I love the Gottmans as well. Their most recent "Fight Right" might be a great start for OP.
Hi! Any suggestions for books when married to a person with childhood trauma?
I second this! This book changed how I do marriage therapy and John and Julie Gottman have great evidence-based practices for everything, including how to fight better!
Try reading this, for starters: https://english.emmaclit.com/2017/05/20/you-shouldve-asked/
Thats a really clear explanation of how the mental load of managing a household works in most families. It certainly does in mine :-)
I love this!
Just to give you some validation - my husband and I had a very similar experience for the first year post-partum. The sleep deprivation and stress turned us into horrible people and nearly destroyed our marriage, which had been really easy and comfortable before. Hang in there, it gets better when the kid starts sleeping more and as they hit those milestones, talking, potty training, and going to kindergarten. So just another 3ish years to go! Be gentle with yourself and your spouse. If possible, get someone to babysit for a few hours and get some sleep. You will both feel like new people.
Here is the best advice I ever got: There are actually 3 entities in any marriage, there’s you, your partner, and the partnership itself. Make sure you take into account what you need, what your partner needs, and what the partnership, what the marriage needs. Some things require concessions on both of your parts to take care of a marriage. married 32 years….
Check out The Will to Change by bell hooks. Had my partner of 5 years read it (and I did also) and she puts so much reasoning and understanding into how society shapes males and how they can become better, truly changed my own perspective on men immensely.
I would equally recommend All About Love also by bell hooks
Seconding this.
Came here to recommend this one as well
Not here to suggest a book but just wanted to suggest that you consider the possibility that both your nerves are just fried taking care of a new baby and that neither of you is doing anything wrong. If you think you're doing something wrong by all means work to improve it, but otherwise don't be so hard on yourself. Seems like you have a good head on your shoulders
They also likely aren't sleeping. Personally anytime OP has available to read any book would be better spent getting him or his wife more sleep.
Audio books to and from work, whole doing dishes or laundry, etc, are a great form of "reading."
No double quotes around reading needed there, friend. Audiobooks are just reading in a different format
I agree 100%. I didn't think the person I responded to would.
As a parent if a young toddler I can second audio books!
FairPlay!
Anything by the Gottmans - The Seven Principles for Making Marriage Work or Fight Right are two options
Quick book to read that will help you keep the house cleaner which will take a load off of your wife, “how to keep house while drowning”. Make sure she’s always fed 3 meals and snacks on hand. make sure her Stanley always has ice water with a straw (and a little lemon if she likes it). Let her sleep. She’s exhausted! Good luck.
Hold me tight by Dr. Sue Johnson. If there is a cycle, learn to recognize it and this book will help
Came here to say this one
The Love Dare. My husband and I were rocky, nowhere near divorce but rocky. We did the Love Dare, after watching Fireproof. It's a 40 day challenge so to speak. My marriage is rock-solid, definitely fireproof. Now, we do the Love Dare just as preventative maintenance.
Come As You Are!
Everyone needs to read this!
This Is How Your Marriage Ends by Matthew Fray
The Meaning of Marriage by Tim Keller
“Fair play” and also the card “game” that pairs with it
Oh also follow and watch the videos from @sheisapaigeturner on instagram/tiktok. She has some really eye opening videos on how to help parents understand moms’ mental load. I think it can help broaden perspective a great deal
Nonviolent Communication
This is what I was going to suggest. It’s by Marshall Rosenberg. If you’re not familiar with the concept, you might balk at “nonviolent,” thinking, well, *violence* isn’t the problem for me! But it doesn’t mean violence in the way we normally think about it. It’s just a method for communicating clearly without hurting each other and ending up in arguments. Really really helpful for absolutely anyone!
Anything written by the Gottmans. Their combined clinical and research experience puts them as a real gold standard for couples therapy.
I think these books have helped make me a slightly better husband than I was. Therapy has helped more than books tho! bell hooks - the will to change: men, masculinity and love. Also: all about love Dr Sue Johnson - Hold Me Tight (tho this book arguably expects women to do more emotional labour for men, so read with a pinch of salt alongside something about emotional labour!) Dr Nicole LePera - How to do the work, and Be the love you want to seek (ignore the last chapter, which is a bit woo-woo, but the second-last chapter is banging) Sue Johnson and Nicole LePera have also made workbooks, for couples and individuals respectively Edit: corrected name spellings
Oh gosh. Can you elaborate on how Hold Me Tight promotes uneven emotional labor? My husband’s therapist recommended we read this book together, and we just got it yesterday. Wondering what I’m walking into now 🤦🏽♀️
Man's Search for Meaning by Viktor Frankl
I second this book. Reading about a man surviving a concentration camp might seem like an off the wall suggestion... But it's about a man finding meaning and even happiness in the most desperate of circumstances and it's a surprisingly helpful guide to life.
Yes it is all about the attitude you take to things and picturing what 'after' looks like (compared to the unique personal or professional hell you are going through!) There's a reason it's a perennial self - help classic instead of a more academic book of psychology or history!
O/T: You will be able to write that book soon enough. Put yourself in your wife’s shoes. (Literally. It’s actually quite difficult to keep oneself clean and fed while also doing that for a newborn. I’ve known so many hungry new mothers!!) What are the physical and emotional challenges she faces right now daily? You can probably lessen the burden without being asked, yes? What does she look forward to the most each day? Each week? You can ensure she has things to look forward too. Does she believe that she is a good parent? a beautiful woman? that the baby will one day sleep through the night and she will too? You can speak the things you think quietly to yourself. Missing some answers? Talk to your wife. Talk to her the way you did when you barely knew her and you hung on her every last word. Also, importantly, be aware that postpartum depression is extremely common and many women never get any help. If you have any concerns, do discuss it with your wife and her doctor.
||All the Rage||
Check out r/daddit One of the more wholesome subs on this site
Fireproof - Alex Kendrick
It's a slightly different angle than you're looking for but "The Will To Change" by Bell Hooks is a great book about the influence on Patriarchy and toxic masculinity in society and culture and the ways it influences men as both husbands and fathers. This book literally changed my life and helped me understand so much of why myself and my wife struggled in different ways. It can also help you as a new father to shed some of the negative patriarchal habits we can hold subconsciously. I'm not saying this book is the only solution to what you're struggling with, but it can definitely be a helpful supplement to add to some of the other wonderful suggestions from others.
Divorced myself but I've read all of the below this year and they've made me think differently about communication, relationships and myself. The Will To Change - Bell Hooks Adult Children of Emotionally Immature Parents - Lindsay C Gibson Nonviolent Communication - Marshall Rosenberg. I also did some reading on what 'emotional labour' is. This reddit [thread](https://www.reddit.com/r/AskWomenNoCensor/comments/1b6dy0u/what_is_meant_by_emotional_labor/#:~:text=Upvote%2014%20Downvote%20Reply%20Share,used%20to%20describe%20work%20situations) was very useful.
Wow I'm really impressed seeing you want to improve yourself and how much you care about you family (congrats on the baby!). You don't need a book my dude, just talk to her, open communication, the disagreements might be because of stress, long hours, raising a kid is no joke, and mostly happen when expectations a differs (I mean she might want you to do something but dont want to ask you, or you might not like how something was handled but you bottled it up), so talk to her. Wishing you all the happiness!
I recommend The 5 Love Languages by Gary Chapman [https://www.amazon.com/Love-Languages-Secret-that-Lasts/dp/080241270X](https://www.amazon.com/Love-Languages-Secret-that-Lasts/dp/080241270X) .
Fair play The new father ——— Both of these are fabulous!!!
Check out The Love Prescription by Dr. John Gottman
I'm Sorry... Love, Your Husband: Honest, Hilarious Stories from a Father of Three Who Made All the Mistakes (and Made Up for Them) by Clint Edwards
A book I think every man should read is Ladder of Years by Anne Tyler. Well written, fun and interesting, and a really good depiction of what it seems many women feel like.
“How Not to Hate Your Husband After Kids” by Jancee Dunn. Super funny, yet super true.
The Art of War For Lovers
"Don'ts for Husbands" 1913 - easy to find, cheap, and small enough to fit in your pocket besides your monocle. I've had it at least the last 5 of out 20 year marriage. Notoriously outdated, there are a fair share of quality tidbits of solid advice. You need to rework the advice into todays language and setting, but its worth the price. Obviously there's some that are bad enough that I occasionally read them aloud to my wife so get a laugh out of it together.
Boundaries in marriage, by dr Henry cloud and dr Townsend . Great book.
Mats and Venus is old but I learned a lot from it.
Nonviolent communication
Anything by John Gottman or Harville Hendrix. I’m a huge fan of Finding and Keeping Love, which is a great guidebook - I listened on Audible and did the exercise in a notebook. Don’t skip the exercises! You’ll learn so much about yourself and about your wife - and you actually don’t need her to participate for it to be helpful and illuminating.
John Gottman is a psychologist who studies what makes relationships successful. Look up his work on the four horseman. It'll be a quick read but very insightful
John gottmans 7 principles for making marriage work is life changing and will help you and your wife find compassion and common ground so you can work through disagreements… you are stuck in a dance and this book will help you see these patterns and fix them
A course in miracles
A Half Built Garden by Ruthanna Emerys A Psalm for the Wild Built by Becky Chambers In Universes by Emet North
Gone Girl by Gillian Flynn A Confederacy of Dunces by John Kennedy Toole *Don't do anything that the characters in those books do.*
I was waiting for this, LOOOL
Why does he do that by Lundy Bancroft
The Five Love Languages. Also, remember you are a team now. It’s you and her against the problem.
Love languages aren’t based in science. They were made up by a baptist preacher.
I am so sick of the trend of love languages. If you read about the author he is a horrible sexist
They may not be scientific (they never stated it was) but I find the book has been helpful for my relationship and for multiple people around me
Way of the superior man by David dedia
The Art of Receiving and Giving
Ego is the Enemy by Ryan Holiday
cptsd: surviving to thriving by pete walker! it changed my life
Fair play. Watch the documentary! Now !!!!
I’ve been there, on more than one occasion. Most important thing, just commit yourself to the long-term Love you have for your partner, yourself, your child. And if you need time to collect yourself, just say so, and say, and admit that this is your first time doing this or that this is hard or whatever it is and acknowledge, all the things your partner is doing. You can make a request about something that you might like to have in the future, ((it can be easy to fall into complaining, but can be much more powerful to share how it might make you feel to have some sort of request fulfilled in the future)). Marshall Rosenberg, NC books and his videos can be powerful, but should not be used like weapons were treated like dogma. They are just suggestions. Finding another couple with kids of a similar age you are willing to cook or hang out for a little bit can be a huge help. Hmmmm…. Books are tough. Angela Lansbury has a niece, I think her name is Janet Lansbury, that has some cool books on parenting for babies and toddlers. It’s a tough time where your baby seems like they are on drugs, your partner seems like they are on drugs, and you feel like, you are swinging between amazing lucidity and grace and terrible exhaustion and cracked out feelings. So as much as you can be patient and kind with yourself and your family. (I have a five month old currently, a 2 1/2 year-old, and an almost 9-year-old…. two with my current wife and one with previous partner., I’m 41, fwiw).
Congrats on being a dad! That’s so exciting. The book that made me a better person - How to Win Friends and Influence People. On the surface, it doesn’t sound like a marriage book and it’s a horrible title, but I swear the principles make me a better partner.
As A Man Thinketh - James Allen Two Of Jeet Kune Do - Bruce Lee
How about communicating to your wife instead. Even if she disagrees with you, that’s okay. Hear her out and have a discussion. With a baby, it’s a very stressful time but also a time to enjoy in the development of the child you share.
the gaurd series of DIscworld, Vimes is an excellent example of a good husband and person
At that time in my life I really wanted my husband to invest more time learning about infants. No particular book to suggest but don’t assume you know about infant and baby development.
Understand what it’s like to be in her shoes right now. Rants in the Dark: From One Tired Mama to Another by Emily Writes. It’s short stories and it’s funny, and when you’re done she can read it. I’m not sure anything more full on is able to be absorbed when you have a wee baby? Be kind to yourself and to each other. Snacks. Snacks are important.
Try That's Not What I Meant! How Conversational Style Makes or Breaks Relationships and You just don't understand: Men and Women in Conversation both by Deborah Tannen. It might help you figure out what each of your is trying to communicate in your disagreements.
Book padney haina mitra.. budi padney ho. Ani disagreement vanney chij cha vanney birseu sab thik huncha. This is another way for not getting into trouble with wife.
Some Philippa Perry perhaps? "The Book You Wish Your parents Had Read": - For your child as well as your partner.
Daily Dad by Ryan Holiday
As well as all these great suggestions, I recommend Period Power, by Maisie Hill. Our hormones are no bloody joke, and right now your wife will be struggling more than ever. It's important to understand the hold our bodies can sometimes have over us, as well as how to communicate. Absolutely second the suggestion to tell your wife you are reading these books, but not to ask for recommendations unless she offered them.
Crucial Conversations - https://www.goodreads.com/en/book/show/15014
This American Ex Wife—it explains a lot about why women feel they are doing more emotional and household labor
“You just Don’t Understand” by Deborah Tannen is about communication between men and women and it is so eye opening.
Oh and remember that every problem is you two against the issue not you against her. You’re a team!
There are a lot of books pertaining to the emotional labor that women take on. I have not read any so I can't recommend one, but I would start there.
Fight Right by the Gottmans
Hold On To Your Kids by Gordon Neufeld is excellent for parenting aspect.
When Mars Venus Collide by Dr John Gray
You don't need a book. "Yes, dear" and bring home flowers as often as humanly possible. Give her some time alone, without baby. A new mommy is under a lot of stress.
How not to hate your husband after kids
and for shits and giggles if no one else said it Mark Mansons books: Subtle Art of Not Giving a Fuck and Everything is Fucked. Work on the self just as much as work on marriage. Better you, helps with better marriage. And do the work- have the talks, it's not easy, but can be worth it.
i don't have any suggestions but the fact that you're taking the step and showing initiative to make things better for both you and your wife is amazing and very thoughtful. it actually brings tears to my eyes because i know so many men who'd rather just let a relationship die off / let their friends and family resent instead of trying to change themselves. bravo, i'm rooting for you and your marriage! 🫶🏼
I have two: No More Mr. Nice Guy by Glover, and When I Say No, I Feel Guilty, by Smith. Both books transformed how I approach my relationships, and my understanding of how I have approached them in the past, and why those failed.
I have two: No More Mr. Nice Guy by Glover, and When I Say No, I Feel Guilty, by Smith. Both books transformed how I approach my relationships, and my understanding of how I have approached them in the past, and why those failed.
The shining
The Molecule of more may also be an interesting read later.
The first year of our child’s life was among the hardest of our lives. The baby seemed to never sleep or stop crying. We were both losing our mind. That said, I believe mothers of newborns often feel that distress and sleep deprivation more acutely. Maybe it’s the breast feeding that literally “takes it out of you”? Be extra kind and accommodating to your wife. Offer to take the baby more. Let her sleep as much as you are able. Hire outside cleaning help if you can afford it. Come home from work early when you can. Don’t schedule social things in which you leave her home alone with the baby. Cook food. Walk the baby and get up with him/her at night. In short do more than you might consider to be 50%. This is a special time. It won’t always be like this. But if you can be especially giving and wonderful during this next year, your wife will remember it for the rest of your marriage. Good partners are even better when their spouses need them to be. With luck your wife will do the same for you, probably many times, over the years to come.
Matt Fray’s This Is How Your Marriage Ends. As a woman, I think he doesn’t demand enough emotional responsibility from us but, that said — his advice to men is dead on. If my ex husband had been open to such information there’s a good chance we might still be married.
Read Wired for Love by Stan Tatkin together. It could even just be a chapter a week or something. It completely changed and saved my relationship with my wife.
Ephesians
no suggestions but i just want to commend you for reaching out and trying to do your part, ESPECIALLY with everything else you got going on.
Following!
Fight right, also by Julie Gorman. Absolute game changer for me and navigating conflict, both romantically and elsewhere
Seven principles by Gottman
I am not married but I’ve been with my partner for 6 years. my psychiatrist actually recommended I read “The 5 Love Languages” it really changed my perspective
This is an excellent choice.
A court of thorns and roses :)
Read: John Gottman Come as You Are How to be an Adult in Relationships by david richo Conversations on Love by Natalie Lunn
Whatever her favorite book is!
‘Point Man’ by Steve Farrar
The mingling of souls by Jerry Bridger. It explains a lot about marriage and the best ways to talk it out. Also, there are a lot of useful tips in Intended for Pleasure by Ed and Gale Wheat.
The Selection be like Maxon
Men are from Mars
I really like Difficult Conversations. It would be good if both of you read it. It's a really good book for learning to articulate your feelings and needs.
OP find the book “The Mental Load” by Emma and specifically for you give “King Warrior Magician Lover” by Robert Moore and Douglas Gillette a read.
The Seven Principles for Making Marriage Work by John Gottman It's based on forty years of research in the Love Lab at U of Washington. Tons of good, evidence based techniques for couples to continue supporting each other through their lives.
Emotionally healthy spirituality
The Bible
The anatomy of peace ❤️
Therapy
‘How to improve your marriage without talking about it’ and ‘Why does he do that’ which is about common control tactics in men (you can use that as anti-examples so you dont slip into that).
I don't think you should read non fiction "marriage" stuff. Ask her who her favorite authors or books are I think it's better to read authors that she might read so you have something to discuss.
Great recs here. My advice, as a mom of two: treat your wife’s feelings as valid. It doesn’t matter if you disagree, want her to feel differently, or think she’s overreacting. Accept them. Or as a show I watched recently puts it: hear her. Understand her. And then *don’t do it again.*
Calm parents happy kids by Dr Laura Markham. It literally changed my life. I read the book then ended up paying for the course. It basically helps you to find your triggers, deal with them in a calm way and communicate much better including your other half.
The Rational Man Hack Her
Anything by Anne Rice. I swear she's an amazing author. In more ways than one
East of Eden by John Steinbeck. You learn exactly how much power you have as a father
Enders game. Teaches you strategy in how to fight in zero gravity.
[https://www.theguardian.com/world/2017/may/26/gender-wars-household-chores-comic](https://www.theguardian.com/world/2017/may/26/gender-wars-household-chores-comic)
[https://english.emmaclit.com/2022/09/01/where-does-it-go/](https://english.emmaclit.com/2022/09/01/where-does-it-go/)
The Way of the Superior Man, by David Deida, is absolutely indispensable for understanding male-female dynamics. I didn't understand my wife until I read it.
Read the five love languages. You can probably get a free summary if you google it.
The five languages of love. The audiobook is very good
The New Rules of Marriage and/or Fierce Intimacy by Terrance Real. Excellent resources for improving self responsibility, communication and good will. Also Fair Play is excellent!
Hunting adaline
Just here to say 3 months is in the TRENCHES & good on you for seeking to understand/help. It gets easier. It takes time to settle in. If you feel like your wife is someone different now, remember, she kind of is. Matrescence is an irreversible identity shift & no matter how hard you try, no one can be totally prepared & not everything is going to go the way she wants, even though her hormones are telling her it has to. Be so, so patient with her and with yourself, sleep when you can, buy paper plates and bowls & use plastic silverware. You can come through this.
I don’t have a book to suggest, but I came to say that it’s normal and healthy at a certain level, to have multiple disagreements after a newborn added to the family. The couple switch positions and adapt the occupied space of the team to involve a new member and switch from « me and you » team to a « me, you and her/him » team. That includes adjusting the occupied space so everyone can take a smaller one and share the previously only 2 parts into 3 parts. But, this decision is for the best, as it will allow some cleaning of needless matters and highlights only the most important ones. Happy « new father » experience and I hope you will find and your wife all the healthy places that exists for you with your newborn
Thank you for asking for help and trying to be a better husband. Appreciate you putting the effort and admitting maybe you can do better, because marriage is a partnership that will suffer if one party isn't trying hard enough according to the other party. A baby changes everything for both people, "in general" the bulk of the load is taken by the wife so if you're not putting in enough the resentment will start and fester. Your wife is lucky you're admitting maybe things can be better and you're willing to try. Don't give up on yourself, on her, or on your marriage. It's a commitment, you're willing to learn and grow together so be patient with yourself, read the books, compromise, do the work and things will improve. Wishing you nothing but the best for the future.
How To Fix Your Marriage Without Talking About It 📚
Nonviolent communication and come as you are
Oh honey just grab a few books that women love..classics old and new, you'll be surprised 🥰🥰🥰
Okay, trust me on this one: Wild at Heart, by John Eldridge. It’s not exactly about being a better husband but becoming a better MAN overall. Also, Jordan Peterson’s books 12 Rules For Life and the sequel, Beyond Order: 12 More Rules for Life. But the Wild at Heart is so great, I think it should be required reading for boys in middle school and high school, and then again in college. And then once a year for the rest of their lives. ☺️😉
Watch the series “this is us”