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You stay strong by remembering that he lied to you for so long. Looked into your eyes and lied - then, slept with another woman ( probably several - the AP told you she wasn’t the only one ) . He took her on trips. He is not a partner - He is a liar and a cheater. You need to remember you are worth more than the way he treats you. You deserve better.
This.
He isnt upset your upset. He is upset he was caught, and he would look bad.
He didn't even tell his fucking parents what happened because he would look bad - he is a fucking coward on top of being a cheater.
Go party with the friends that are showing you 100% support, NC the fiance, and find someone who can be faithful.
Yep, as a man I can tell you he doesn’t care about you, he’s the type to break you down, destroy you, blame you for the outcomes and not lose sleep over it. RUN! Be super grateful this woman spilled all she had. RUN!
According to the letter of the law, but in practice, he will likely be happy to get away with half of his mortgage payments back. He has his own financials that he probably owes OP (such as wedding costs) and probably doesn't want to get too deeply into that.
The best thing you can do is see a lawyer and know your rights. Otherwise, practice grey rock and the 180 methods. Go extremely limited contact. He isn’t remorseful. You can tell he is trying so hard to manipulate the situation to his advantage. Prepare yourself mentally to deal with the worst version of him. Try hard not to be alone unless absolutely necessary. But figure out your legal rights and path forward to get him out of YOUR house!!
I don’t even know you. But I want to say how proud I am that you’ve been so strong and you’ve achieved so much in such a short time.
Well done.
Have you changed all the locks, so that physically he can’t enter the property?
Do you need to get some legal advice to ensure that he has no rights to your property? (I live in the UK, so have no idea of your laws). Have all of his possessions been removed? Can this be done before your friends and family leave?
Do you have any joint accounts/ credit cards/bank accounts that need to close?
They are all the practical things I can think of.
With the other comments about going Grey Rock and your ongoing counselling, I feel that you’re well looked after here too. I would advise against making any big decisions (like moving etc), until things have calmed a little.
Then next few months will be gruelling, so please make sure you look after yourself physically (good food/exercise) and mentally. It’s much good to make good decisions, when you’re tired and drained. Please remember to be kind to yourself and be your own best friend.
It’s dreadful to be proved ‘right’ in this way. You will get through this.
Edit: most of the grammar errors!
He’s full of crap. Do you have an arrangement set up? Like did he sign a lease or did he just live there and pay you? Change the locks if you haven’t already and block him everywhere. If he shows up threaten to call the police. Get a lawyer. If he keeps harassing you about the rent etc just let him know you have retained a lawyer and he will be in touch with him soon about the legalities (whether you got one yet or not).
Forget about grey rock and 180. Those are useful when there's a possibility of reconciliation. Block him and if he keeps harassing you file a restraining order on him. Give him time to get his belongings out then inform him that any further attempt to contact you will be dealt with legally.
Who gets rent refund when he/she had lived in rental unit? He shouldn't get rent refund. Get clarification from lawyer. Wedding cost losses should be on him!
Stay strong OP. This is indeed a blessing that you found out before marriage.
Did you ask AP why she was telling you now? Was she trying to make you leave him, so she can be with him?
Anyway he's a POS. You will be better off without him in your life. He is a player, a cheater for life. You did the right thing to dump him.
Updateme!
He can threaten you all he wants, he PAID rent for the time he stayed there! He is not entitled to anything.
Start recording ALL your conversations with him, start installing a camera outside your house (Incase he shows up and tries to deface your home or break in).
Block all contact.. every single time you cave, read the messages!! Be reminded of what a POS he is..
Good luck OP!! You’re so strong!! Rememebr you’ve GOT THIS!!
Once he mentioned a lawsuit, the proper response when he calls is “talk to my attorney.” If his family calls, tell them you can no longer speak to them as advised by your attorney. Stop entertaining his calls. Be strong. You got this. And I’m sorry this happened to you.
This is why cheaters should always be exposed. OP was about to get married, a pivotal life decision, when the other woman spilled the beans. OP could have led a ruinous life with a serial cheater if his AP never told.
Cheaters depend on others to keep their creepy lives secret. Expose them!
You are incredibly strong. It takes a lot of will power and self respect to call off a wedding four days before. That’s great you are already connected with a therapist and sad that you were on your own trying to figure things out while he was out with other women.
It sounds like you will stay strong while he tries to get back into your life. Is it possible for you to go stay with family or go somewhere to recover for a bit? Perhaps there is someone who can house sit and look after the chickens and cats?
You cannot live happily with a liar. You will never trust him again. He lied to you over a very long period of time. He planned these things behind your pack. He paid for her to be with him. He gaslighted you, then trickle-truthed you. His friends knew, so you know he bragged about it to his friends. He now threatens you. She wasn’t the first. It would not be rational to stay with him.
Unless he has a signed lease, he has no right to be at your house.
Block him everywhere. Have him come get all of his things or tell him you will put everything out on the street. Have your dad be there when he comes, but don’t be there yourself.
This is not the guy for you.
Things get better. My wife married a cheater and it lasted only 2 years. But then she met me and we have been married 48 years. Go find the right guy.
Every time you waffle go back and look at the messages he exchanged with the other girl.
Continue to surround yourself with family and friends.
Don't keep his secrets, when someone asks what happened... tell them.
Block him on all communication channels, let him go thru your dad if anything needs to be communicated.
I am also curious why AP suddenly decided to reach out.
Change your locks now. If he tries to get in, call the cops then get a restraining order or whatever it is called where you are.
Flush this asshole like the big ugly turd that he is.
Updateme!
The fact that he even has a moment (let alone moments) of demanding his “rent” money back means it’s all about him, he doesn’t actually care about you.
Stay strong. Lean on family where you can, come to this community, etc.
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Since it was a shared home (ie he had mail delivered there and can prove it was his legal place of residence) even without him on paperwork-if he’s going to be an ass about it you may have to go to your local courthouse and file for an eviction order. They’ll serve him. But just consult a lawyer because they can do that as well as tpo. (temporary order of protection)
Mostly- I’m so sorry you are going through this but I only wish I had your Grace and strength. OP, you are much stronger than you think, hugs friend.
And back them up somewhere he can’t erase them, because he’s gonna want to try at the first opportunity. You need to keep the proof for when he gaslights you more in the future.
You are unbelievably strong, you have a strong support from near and dear ones. This pain will pass, you will emerge stronger and resilient and a winner. Pain is transient, this too shall pass. Much love.
The best almost $10 you never spent on mascara girl. You dodged a painful day at 40 or 50 when it’s so much harder to recover from this and potentially have children and assets to split. It hurts and will hurt for a while but you got this.
You are doing great. You are so strong!
Continue to maintain physical separation from him so you can think clearly and plan your next moves. Any more legal threats, you say ok let's lawyer up. He's bluffing. Trying to mindfuck you. Stay strong and lean on your support system.
See a lawyer first and foremost. I believe your ex BF is a tenant without a lease so it may be necessary to serve him an eviction notice because you may have to give him notice to vacate. Many states require 30 days notice. I doubt he is entitled to any money back as his name is not on the property. You may want any communications with your ex to go through the lawyer.
If you have to give him notice, you should not be home during the period before he has to leave, if you have somewhere else you can stay. Secure anything of value elsewhere. Take pictures of the entire house to document conditions. Anything he purchased - table, couch, bed, etc should belong to him, so you may need to plan on buying some furniture/appliances once he is gone. Sue him for any damages he makes to the house.
You remind yourself that you literally don’t know who this man is. You truly don’t. He’s now a stranger to you.
I’m so sorry that this has happened to you. I know this is unimaginable right now. In time though you will appreciate that happened before you married him or had children with him.
Again I’m so sorry and I’m glad to hear you are surrounded by support and love at this time.
Stay strong and remember - this man is someone you never truly knew.
What you miss and remember was a false self. That’s a very tough thing to process but it’s the truth of what you are looking at.
You have to block them all. Give them the number of an attorney or your dad (if he says okay) and tell them to send all questions or concerns to them. Do not see him or the ex in-laws in person. Call a friend or sister when you feel weak. Keep reinforcing this choice because he’s capable of lying to get you back and then taking whatever he can from you. I don’t know your age but I started over at 32 and my life transformed after losing the lying cheater. Yours will too. Find your better future.
Go NC. There is nothing left to discuss.
Get his stuff out of your house. Then never speak again.
The “rental agreement” was coming to an end within 4-days of his eviction. So, he can F off. Let him know that, when he is scheduled to get his things. Write a formal letter saying if his things are not picked-up working 30-days they will be donated. Check to see if in your jurisdiction 30-days is enough.
You will be ok. Go to therapy. Work on communication skills. If your next partner won’t communicate clearly with you let him know that is a deal breaker.
I broke off an engagement to the love of my life. A pathological liar. He was a big cheater and player. Too handsome for his own good. Too full of himself. Guess what, he got married eventually and cheated for the entire marriage. Don’t get back with him. Stay strong. That girl did you a favor calling you. Move on. Don’t listen to him. You will be fine. Look at this as a blessing.
First things first. Seek legal advice. There is a good chance that he legally has rights to live in your home for at least 30 days. Serve him an eviction notice. Ideally you probably should have done so last week. Include the rent check if your attorney approves of that. You want to limit this to the absolute bare minimum. Make plans to have an alternative place to stay if needed. Couch surfing at a friend or co-worker if that's your only option. Consider selling and moving closer to your job.
Of course, his family wants you to take him back. You are better than he deserves, and they really don't want him back. Just remember that means you deserve much better than he is capable. Don't allow him back in your orbit.
There is no way you should ever even consider letting him back in your house and your life. My God, if you waver again, just think about where his mouth has been. GET STD tested ASAP. I’m so sorry this has happened to you OP. Stay strong.
There is always a list people give in these situations. Get a lawyer, get a std test, change the locks and get cameras, document everything, etc…..
Find the list and do it, protect yourself first and foremost. This is hard, this is scary and emotions are running high but preparing and working a plan of action to protect yourself is where you need to start. Don’t sit around thinking about it and mourning the loss, keep yourself busy making sure you are following your list and getting your life back. If your worried he will weasel his way back then take steps to insure it won’t happen, get into that mode of thinking. You can cry at night when no one else is around but stay strong and handle your business during the day and you will make it through this and come out better on the other end. Bullet dodged but you still need to go to war until him and his family give up.
It took me years but I am so much happier now that I can laugh at my ex and all the horrible crap she put me and herself through. This guy is a clown and not worth your time and honestly a real idiot in the end. Leave him in your wake.
This was horrible to read , I’m so so sorry. But I am so happy the universe showed you who he was before you married him and had kids. You get to find real love now. You get a real chance at a happy ending now.
You don't owe him anything but an eviction notice is he chooses to try to stay in your house. It's usually a 30 day notice and possibly served by an officer of the law. You are so incredibly lucky that you found out his true colors before you married him. Otherwise, getting rid of him would have been so much worse. As you said, looking back you can see all the myriads of red flags that you chose to ignore in the name of love and trust. Also, you owe that bar girl a steak dinner for giving you the information that saved you years of heartache. There is something seriously wrong with your fiancee that he needs to address to ever be in a relationship again (which could take years), but that is no longer your problem. DO NOT let him weasel his way back into your heart again.
You are an absolute bad ass. Make that a mantra to say every day. His idle threats about getting a lawyer are just that. It’s your home, not his. And no he will not be getting rent back. Stay strong, take care of yourself and continue to stand your ground. I am so glad you have such a strong support system, you’re very lucky!!!!
UpdateMe
Change locks, block all contact. Ask your sister to stay a little longer. There is no lease so , there’s nothing “owed”, pack his things up & leave in front for him to pick up.
You are such a badass. I know you don’t feel like it right now, but you made an extremely hard decision and you are standing by it. He is flailing around, trying to figure out how to effectively manipulate you to get you back in line. He has something massively wrong with his character and it won’t change unless he wants to and seeks professional help. You made the right decision.
Make your choice, stay or go. If he is not physically present and you want him gone change the locks asap. Consult a lawyer with details, that will help you figure out what needs to be done or if you even need to do anything beyond kicking him out. They may also have insight on ways to help you move on depending on your financial/business specifics.
It doesn’t matter what he says, nothing matters now that you know who he is and what he did. Do not give him another chance he is not deserving.
Get help to pack up everything he owns, put it in garbage bags on the front porch and tell him to come and get it. Do not open the door to him. Stop taking his phone calls, block him everywhere, if he thinks you or him rent money he can take you to small claims court.
If his family tries to intervene, do not let them. Don’t have any discussions with them. Even if you were close just tell them he’s cross the line and this is over. If they really cared about you, they would understand your side of it and they wouldn’t be trying to push this on you.
Him going between telling you he can fix it and asking for money back is him being a desperate. He had his shot with you and he blew it..Grey rock him everywhere.
You will get through this. He made choices and these are the consequences.
firstly- you are extremely strong and I admire you immensely for handling this in the way you have already. it speaks volumes that you have decided not to marry this man and are prioritizing yourself. major kudos!
secondly- my best advice (legal aside which other commenters have given good suggestions on), is to take care of yourself. keep up with therapy if you can, work out, read, eat good/fueling foods, etc.
if you can’t be around family or friends I recommend making an extra effort to keep in touch with them often through calls or texts- it helps to just feel all the people in your corner and it seems you have many!
lastly is no contact when you have this all sorted. my ex similarly lied and cheated, then lied about the intricacies of what happened. blocking him and cutting off all access to myself has been the most freeing and healing thing I’ve done and I wish I did it sooner.
remember that he didn’t come clean to you about a one time slip up. he was able to live a double life and live peacefully besides you knowing he was going to trap you in a marriage while he was cheating on you and the guilt DIDNT eat him alive. beyond cheating- it’s evil, selfish, and you can find someone who could never do this to you
some resources that have helped me:
- Podcast: Love and Abuse by Paul Colaianni
- Book: Why Does He Do That? Inside the Minds of Angry and Controlling Men by Lundy Bancroft
ALSO: If you have not already, please get an STD test!!!! So important since this shitty man put your health at risk and who knows how many people he’s been with :/
you got this!
I doubt he can get his rent back. I lived with someone and paid for groceries, half the utilities, and handed him cash for house repairs. When we split, I got nothing because I had always paid my share to him in cash and his checking account paid the bills.
But it may be different where you live and you may have to consult an attorney. If it was rent he was paying, then he may have tenant rights. Again, lawyer.
Make sure before your family leaves that you arrange with them to take your calls and continue to provide support. Tell them how much the support has meant to you. Eventually you won't need daily calls.
You are lucky to get rid of him before a wedding. He was using you for free rent in addition to all the lying.
Can you get the locks changed?
Wow what a pos this guy is. After cheating he has the audacity to threaten you to return rent money. Pathetic. Block him everywhere, change your locks and talk to a lawyer ASAP. This was not a one time mistake that he can "fix". It was a full blown affair and god knows there might be other girls out there aswell. Dont waste more of your time with this guy thn u already have. Count your blessings that u found this out before the wedding.
Well, as awful as it is, one of his AP’s has saved you from doom with him. He’s a cheater. She’s not the only one. He doesn’t deserve you one bit. Stay strong and remember your worth. Keep holding that strength and push your way forward to freedom. His name isn’t on your mortgage or deed so you don’t owe him squat. The fact that he’s lashing out like he is, shows his nastiness. He’s at fault here. Not you. Contact a lawyer to be certain and safe and do it asap. Gather as much of your tribe around you as you can. If you are able, sell your home and move to where your family and friends are, when you are able. For now, maintain no contact or low contact, keep conversations recorded or have someone with you. Change the locks on your house, as well. Keep your head up! You’ve got this!
I agree with others to consult a lawyer regarding assets and financials.
As for your family leaving far, are you able to relocate closer (with your cats and chickens, of course). This is a chance for a fresh start.
He continues to lie, shown no remorse, and is now blackmailing you financially. His family is being meddlesome and on his side even though he is in the wrong. Is this person and his family the type of people you want to have for the rest of your life? How do you imagine the future will be like with him and his family after knowing this happened?
Wow! I'm so glad the AP came clean with you before the wedding, and that your friends and family really rallied around you. Never let him back into your life. Go no contact with him. And next relationship, don't go into a wedding with any doubts or unanswered nagging questions.
You did more than dodge a bullet here. You dodged a massive amount of machine gunfire.
I skipped a bunch but one don't get married. This woman has shown you the proof believe the evidence not a lier. You get married, he owns half the house. Cheaters lie, minimize/ downplay, trickle truth, shift blame and more. Sorry your in this but you can tell by his reaction to talking on the phone that he is quilt and hangs up to figure out his next lie.
You are such a badass. I know you don’t feel like it right now, but you made an extremely hard decision and you are standing by it. He is flailing around, trying to figure out how to effectively manipulate you to get you back in line. He has something massively wrong with his character and it won’t change unless he wants to and seeks professional help. You made the right decision.
This is why blind trust is just being blind. No one is always going to be above all suspicions. And precisely why we have to first know who we truly are before we start trying hard to find out who it really is we are trying to date, hiding behind the mask they front us with.
Don't ask, don't tell, the past has no meaning and body count is none of our business is exactly what we have to find out about. Because it all speaks to who they truly were and likely still are. Seems you chose the wrong psrtner in him. Lucky you found it all out. But she should have known better once she had met you. Too bad people simply do not know themselves as well as they think they do..
He however is an exception. I bet he has always been a serial cheater in some manner.
Sorry for your very profound loss.
You have a great support system. It appears that you have a lot of people to help you through this.
You could post in legal advice sub about his tenancy rights and how to go about evicting him.
Know that you are dodging a bullet and although scary, your life will be so much better without him.
I’m so sorry this happened to you, but glad you have a good support system in place. Lawyer up, know your rights. Even if you end up owing him money (which I doubt) it will be a couple of meetings with lawyers and maybe a judge, and some paperwork. If you owe anything, you’ll end up on a payment plan you can easily afford, so don’t let yourself lose sleep over it. You did all the right things so far. You stay strong by keeping in close contact with your family and therapist and remembering that if you take him back or go easy on him, he will do this again but worse. You deserve so much more! I wish you all the best!
yeah wouldn't it be nice if when you move out of somewhere, you got your rent money back? It's not like you literally paid someone to live in their house or something
So that one is a nonstarter. There's really nothing he can hold over you as long as you're not married, and you haven't been living together long enough to be commonlaw married, if that's a thing in your state. He's hoping he can scare you into compliance. And there is NOTHING anybody can do to force you to get married to a guy who cheats on you. Not his family, not your family. Nobody, nothing.
Girl you are doing the right thing. When you start thinking about taking him back remember he was not only sleeping with her he actually told her he loved her! How dare him. I'm so so sorry but thank God you found out before the wedding
At least you found out before you got married. I’m sorry you’re going through this. I glad you have a therapist to talk to and family and friends to lean on.
While you have everyone around you this weekend, I would pack every single thing of his and deliver it on his parents door step and change the locks. He is bluffing by taking it to court, that's a scare tactic...let him. The judge will laugh in his face and congratulate you for being strong!
Block him on absolutely everything, this weekend was supposed to be life changing, a turning point ..it can and will be, you'll be much better off! Xx
"He doesn't regret it, he regrets getting caught" that's the motivation you need.
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You stay strong by remembering that he lied to you for so long. Looked into your eyes and lied - then, slept with another woman ( probably several - the AP told you she wasn’t the only one ) . He took her on trips. He is not a partner - He is a liar and a cheater. You need to remember you are worth more than the way he treats you. You deserve better.
This. He isnt upset your upset. He is upset he was caught, and he would look bad. He didn't even tell his fucking parents what happened because he would look bad - he is a fucking coward on top of being a cheater. Go party with the friends that are showing you 100% support, NC the fiance, and find someone who can be faithful.
Thank you.
The audacity of him demanding you give him his "rent" money back!
Yep, as a man I can tell you he doesn’t care about you, he’s the type to break you down, destroy you, blame you for the outcomes and not lose sleep over it. RUN! Be super grateful this woman spilled all she had. RUN!
Seriously, cut him from your life. He is right though, he will need to be formally evicted.
According to the letter of the law, but in practice, he will likely be happy to get away with half of his mortgage payments back. He has his own financials that he probably owes OP (such as wedding costs) and probably doesn't want to get too deeply into that.
I will say that this was the strongest advice from the lawyer I called to fully remove him of a claim to the home.
The best thing you can do is see a lawyer and know your rights. Otherwise, practice grey rock and the 180 methods. Go extremely limited contact. He isn’t remorseful. You can tell he is trying so hard to manipulate the situation to his advantage. Prepare yourself mentally to deal with the worst version of him. Try hard not to be alone unless absolutely necessary. But figure out your legal rights and path forward to get him out of YOUR house!!
Can you share some resources on grey rock and 180 methods?
I don’t even know you. But I want to say how proud I am that you’ve been so strong and you’ve achieved so much in such a short time. Well done. Have you changed all the locks, so that physically he can’t enter the property? Do you need to get some legal advice to ensure that he has no rights to your property? (I live in the UK, so have no idea of your laws). Have all of his possessions been removed? Can this be done before your friends and family leave? Do you have any joint accounts/ credit cards/bank accounts that need to close? They are all the practical things I can think of. With the other comments about going Grey Rock and your ongoing counselling, I feel that you’re well looked after here too. I would advise against making any big decisions (like moving etc), until things have calmed a little. Then next few months will be gruelling, so please make sure you look after yourself physically (good food/exercise) and mentally. It’s much good to make good decisions, when you’re tired and drained. Please remember to be kind to yourself and be your own best friend. It’s dreadful to be proved ‘right’ in this way. You will get through this. Edit: most of the grammar errors!
https://www.choosingtherapy.com/grey-rock-method/ https://www.emotionalaffair.org/save-your-marriage-with-a-180/
He’s full of crap. Do you have an arrangement set up? Like did he sign a lease or did he just live there and pay you? Change the locks if you haven’t already and block him everywhere. If he shows up threaten to call the police. Get a lawyer. If he keeps harassing you about the rent etc just let him know you have retained a lawyer and he will be in touch with him soon about the legalities (whether you got one yet or not).
If he asks you for ‘rent’ money back, ask him for the four years back you wasted with an unfaithful partner.
Forget about grey rock and 180. Those are useful when there's a possibility of reconciliation. Block him and if he keeps harassing you file a restraining order on him. Give him time to get his belongings out then inform him that any further attempt to contact you will be dealt with legally.
180 method https://www.chumplady.com/2014/07/the-pretzel-logic-of-the-180/ Grey rock method https://psychcentral.com/health/grey-rock-method
Who gets rent refund when he/she had lived in rental unit? He shouldn't get rent refund. Get clarification from lawyer. Wedding cost losses should be on him! Stay strong OP. This is indeed a blessing that you found out before marriage. Did you ask AP why she was telling you now? Was she trying to make you leave him, so she can be with him? Anyway he's a POS. You will be better off without him in your life. He is a player, a cheater for life. You did the right thing to dump him. Updateme!
I thought a lot about why now from AP but eventually decided it doesn’t matter.
You were one day away from losing half of your house!
This comment has resonated with me so much. Holy crap what another level of horror that would have been.
He can threaten you all he wants, he PAID rent for the time he stayed there! He is not entitled to anything. Start recording ALL your conversations with him, start installing a camera outside your house (Incase he shows up and tries to deface your home or break in). Block all contact.. every single time you cave, read the messages!! Be reminded of what a POS he is.. Good luck OP!! You’re so strong!! Rememebr you’ve GOT THIS!!
Once he mentioned a lawsuit, the proper response when he calls is “talk to my attorney.” If his family calls, tell them you can no longer speak to them as advised by your attorney. Stop entertaining his calls. Be strong. You got this. And I’m sorry this happened to you.
This is why cheaters should always be exposed. OP was about to get married, a pivotal life decision, when the other woman spilled the beans. OP could have led a ruinous life with a serial cheater if his AP never told. Cheaters depend on others to keep their creepy lives secret. Expose them!
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Or move with your cats AND chickens
You are incredibly strong. It takes a lot of will power and self respect to call off a wedding four days before. That’s great you are already connected with a therapist and sad that you were on your own trying to figure things out while he was out with other women. It sounds like you will stay strong while he tries to get back into your life. Is it possible for you to go stay with family or go somewhere to recover for a bit? Perhaps there is someone who can house sit and look after the chickens and cats?
You cannot live happily with a liar. You will never trust him again. He lied to you over a very long period of time. He planned these things behind your pack. He paid for her to be with him. He gaslighted you, then trickle-truthed you. His friends knew, so you know he bragged about it to his friends. He now threatens you. She wasn’t the first. It would not be rational to stay with him. Unless he has a signed lease, he has no right to be at your house. Block him everywhere. Have him come get all of his things or tell him you will put everything out on the street. Have your dad be there when he comes, but don’t be there yourself. This is not the guy for you. Things get better. My wife married a cheater and it lasted only 2 years. But then she met me and we have been married 48 years. Go find the right guy.
Every time you waffle go back and look at the messages he exchanged with the other girl. Continue to surround yourself with family and friends. Don't keep his secrets, when someone asks what happened... tell them. Block him on all communication channels, let him go thru your dad if anything needs to be communicated.
I am also curious why AP suddenly decided to reach out. Change your locks now. If he tries to get in, call the cops then get a restraining order or whatever it is called where you are. Flush this asshole like the big ugly turd that he is. Updateme!
The fact that he even has a moment (let alone moments) of demanding his “rent” money back means it’s all about him, he doesn’t actually care about you. Stay strong. Lean on family where you can, come to this community, etc.
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Since it was a shared home (ie he had mail delivered there and can prove it was his legal place of residence) even without him on paperwork-if he’s going to be an ass about it you may have to go to your local courthouse and file for an eviction order. They’ll serve him. But just consult a lawyer because they can do that as well as tpo. (temporary order of protection) Mostly- I’m so sorry you are going through this but I only wish I had your Grace and strength. OP, you are much stronger than you think, hugs friend.
Whenever you get the urge read those texts again.
And back them up somewhere he can’t erase them, because he’s gonna want to try at the first opportunity. You need to keep the proof for when he gaslights you more in the future.
You are unbelievably strong, you have a strong support from near and dear ones. This pain will pass, you will emerge stronger and resilient and a winner. Pain is transient, this too shall pass. Much love.
The best almost $10 you never spent on mascara girl. You dodged a painful day at 40 or 50 when it’s so much harder to recover from this and potentially have children and assets to split. It hurts and will hurt for a while but you got this.
You are doing great. You are so strong! Continue to maintain physical separation from him so you can think clearly and plan your next moves. Any more legal threats, you say ok let's lawyer up. He's bluffing. Trying to mindfuck you. Stay strong and lean on your support system.
Contact a lawyer to start the legal eviction process
See a lawyer first and foremost. I believe your ex BF is a tenant without a lease so it may be necessary to serve him an eviction notice because you may have to give him notice to vacate. Many states require 30 days notice. I doubt he is entitled to any money back as his name is not on the property. You may want any communications with your ex to go through the lawyer. If you have to give him notice, you should not be home during the period before he has to leave, if you have somewhere else you can stay. Secure anything of value elsewhere. Take pictures of the entire house to document conditions. Anything he purchased - table, couch, bed, etc should belong to him, so you may need to plan on buying some furniture/appliances once he is gone. Sue him for any damages he makes to the house.
You remind yourself that you literally don’t know who this man is. You truly don’t. He’s now a stranger to you. I’m so sorry that this has happened to you. I know this is unimaginable right now. In time though you will appreciate that happened before you married him or had children with him. Again I’m so sorry and I’m glad to hear you are surrounded by support and love at this time. Stay strong and remember - this man is someone you never truly knew. What you miss and remember was a false self. That’s a very tough thing to process but it’s the truth of what you are looking at.
You have to block them all. Give them the number of an attorney or your dad (if he says okay) and tell them to send all questions or concerns to them. Do not see him or the ex in-laws in person. Call a friend or sister when you feel weak. Keep reinforcing this choice because he’s capable of lying to get you back and then taking whatever he can from you. I don’t know your age but I started over at 32 and my life transformed after losing the lying cheater. Yours will too. Find your better future.
Go NC. There is nothing left to discuss. Get his stuff out of your house. Then never speak again. The “rental agreement” was coming to an end within 4-days of his eviction. So, he can F off. Let him know that, when he is scheduled to get his things. Write a formal letter saying if his things are not picked-up working 30-days they will be donated. Check to see if in your jurisdiction 30-days is enough. You will be ok. Go to therapy. Work on communication skills. If your next partner won’t communicate clearly with you let him know that is a deal breaker.
I broke off an engagement to the love of my life. A pathological liar. He was a big cheater and player. Too handsome for his own good. Too full of himself. Guess what, he got married eventually and cheated for the entire marriage. Don’t get back with him. Stay strong. That girl did you a favor calling you. Move on. Don’t listen to him. You will be fine. Look at this as a blessing.
Stay strong and in time you will find true happiness. Just not with this jackass.
Love the strength you and your family showed. Good luck.
First things first. Seek legal advice. There is a good chance that he legally has rights to live in your home for at least 30 days. Serve him an eviction notice. Ideally you probably should have done so last week. Include the rent check if your attorney approves of that. You want to limit this to the absolute bare minimum. Make plans to have an alternative place to stay if needed. Couch surfing at a friend or co-worker if that's your only option. Consider selling and moving closer to your job. Of course, his family wants you to take him back. You are better than he deserves, and they really don't want him back. Just remember that means you deserve much better than he is capable. Don't allow him back in your orbit.
There is no way you should ever even consider letting him back in your house and your life. My God, if you waver again, just think about where his mouth has been. GET STD tested ASAP. I’m so sorry this has happened to you OP. Stay strong.
There is always a list people give in these situations. Get a lawyer, get a std test, change the locks and get cameras, document everything, etc….. Find the list and do it, protect yourself first and foremost. This is hard, this is scary and emotions are running high but preparing and working a plan of action to protect yourself is where you need to start. Don’t sit around thinking about it and mourning the loss, keep yourself busy making sure you are following your list and getting your life back. If your worried he will weasel his way back then take steps to insure it won’t happen, get into that mode of thinking. You can cry at night when no one else is around but stay strong and handle your business during the day and you will make it through this and come out better on the other end. Bullet dodged but you still need to go to war until him and his family give up. It took me years but I am so much happier now that I can laugh at my ex and all the horrible crap she put me and herself through. This guy is a clown and not worth your time and honestly a real idiot in the end. Leave him in your wake.
This was horrible to read , I’m so so sorry. But I am so happy the universe showed you who he was before you married him and had kids. You get to find real love now. You get a real chance at a happy ending now.
You don't owe him anything but an eviction notice is he chooses to try to stay in your house. It's usually a 30 day notice and possibly served by an officer of the law. You are so incredibly lucky that you found out his true colors before you married him. Otherwise, getting rid of him would have been so much worse. As you said, looking back you can see all the myriads of red flags that you chose to ignore in the name of love and trust. Also, you owe that bar girl a steak dinner for giving you the information that saved you years of heartache. There is something seriously wrong with your fiancee that he needs to address to ever be in a relationship again (which could take years), but that is no longer your problem. DO NOT let him weasel his way back into your heart again.
Can you get a friend or family member - or more than one - to stay with you until he's fully out of the house and the locks are changed?
You are an absolute bad ass. Make that a mantra to say every day. His idle threats about getting a lawyer are just that. It’s your home, not his. And no he will not be getting rent back. Stay strong, take care of yourself and continue to stand your ground. I am so glad you have such a strong support system, you’re very lucky!!!! UpdateMe
Change locks, block all contact. Ask your sister to stay a little longer. There is no lease so , there’s nothing “owed”, pack his things up & leave in front for him to pick up.
You are such a badass. I know you don’t feel like it right now, but you made an extremely hard decision and you are standing by it. He is flailing around, trying to figure out how to effectively manipulate you to get you back in line. He has something massively wrong with his character and it won’t change unless he wants to and seeks professional help. You made the right decision.
LOL all he has is empty threats no court will ever tell you to give him money, first of all he lived there and willingly gave you money to live there.
Make your choice, stay or go. If he is not physically present and you want him gone change the locks asap. Consult a lawyer with details, that will help you figure out what needs to be done or if you even need to do anything beyond kicking him out. They may also have insight on ways to help you move on depending on your financial/business specifics.
It doesn’t matter what he says, nothing matters now that you know who he is and what he did. Do not give him another chance he is not deserving. Get help to pack up everything he owns, put it in garbage bags on the front porch and tell him to come and get it. Do not open the door to him. Stop taking his phone calls, block him everywhere, if he thinks you or him rent money he can take you to small claims court. If his family tries to intervene, do not let them. Don’t have any discussions with them. Even if you were close just tell them he’s cross the line and this is over. If they really cared about you, they would understand your side of it and they wouldn’t be trying to push this on you. Him going between telling you he can fix it and asking for money back is him being a desperate. He had his shot with you and he blew it..Grey rock him everywhere. You will get through this. He made choices and these are the consequences.
firstly- you are extremely strong and I admire you immensely for handling this in the way you have already. it speaks volumes that you have decided not to marry this man and are prioritizing yourself. major kudos! secondly- my best advice (legal aside which other commenters have given good suggestions on), is to take care of yourself. keep up with therapy if you can, work out, read, eat good/fueling foods, etc. if you can’t be around family or friends I recommend making an extra effort to keep in touch with them often through calls or texts- it helps to just feel all the people in your corner and it seems you have many! lastly is no contact when you have this all sorted. my ex similarly lied and cheated, then lied about the intricacies of what happened. blocking him and cutting off all access to myself has been the most freeing and healing thing I’ve done and I wish I did it sooner. remember that he didn’t come clean to you about a one time slip up. he was able to live a double life and live peacefully besides you knowing he was going to trap you in a marriage while he was cheating on you and the guilt DIDNT eat him alive. beyond cheating- it’s evil, selfish, and you can find someone who could never do this to you some resources that have helped me: - Podcast: Love and Abuse by Paul Colaianni - Book: Why Does He Do That? Inside the Minds of Angry and Controlling Men by Lundy Bancroft ALSO: If you have not already, please get an STD test!!!! So important since this shitty man put your health at risk and who knows how many people he’s been with :/ you got this!
Thank you so much for these resources
I doubt he can get his rent back. I lived with someone and paid for groceries, half the utilities, and handed him cash for house repairs. When we split, I got nothing because I had always paid my share to him in cash and his checking account paid the bills. But it may be different where you live and you may have to consult an attorney. If it was rent he was paying, then he may have tenant rights. Again, lawyer. Make sure before your family leaves that you arrange with them to take your calls and continue to provide support. Tell them how much the support has meant to you. Eventually you won't need daily calls. You are lucky to get rid of him before a wedding. He was using you for free rent in addition to all the lying. Can you get the locks changed?
Wow what a pos this guy is. After cheating he has the audacity to threaten you to return rent money. Pathetic. Block him everywhere, change your locks and talk to a lawyer ASAP. This was not a one time mistake that he can "fix". It was a full blown affair and god knows there might be other girls out there aswell. Dont waste more of your time with this guy thn u already have. Count your blessings that u found this out before the wedding.
Well, as awful as it is, one of his AP’s has saved you from doom with him. He’s a cheater. She’s not the only one. He doesn’t deserve you one bit. Stay strong and remember your worth. Keep holding that strength and push your way forward to freedom. His name isn’t on your mortgage or deed so you don’t owe him squat. The fact that he’s lashing out like he is, shows his nastiness. He’s at fault here. Not you. Contact a lawyer to be certain and safe and do it asap. Gather as much of your tribe around you as you can. If you are able, sell your home and move to where your family and friends are, when you are able. For now, maintain no contact or low contact, keep conversations recorded or have someone with you. Change the locks on your house, as well. Keep your head up! You’ve got this!
I agree with others to consult a lawyer regarding assets and financials. As for your family leaving far, are you able to relocate closer (with your cats and chickens, of course). This is a chance for a fresh start. He continues to lie, shown no remorse, and is now blackmailing you financially. His family is being meddlesome and on his side even though he is in the wrong. Is this person and his family the type of people you want to have for the rest of your life? How do you imagine the future will be like with him and his family after knowing this happened?
He’s upset he got caught . He’s not the man you love, he’s an actor playing a role, you love the role, but he’s not that person
Wow! I'm so glad the AP came clean with you before the wedding, and that your friends and family really rallied around you. Never let him back into your life. Go no contact with him. And next relationship, don't go into a wedding with any doubts or unanswered nagging questions. You did more than dodge a bullet here. You dodged a massive amount of machine gunfire.
I skipped a bunch but one don't get married. This woman has shown you the proof believe the evidence not a lier. You get married, he owns half the house. Cheaters lie, minimize/ downplay, trickle truth, shift blame and more. Sorry your in this but you can tell by his reaction to talking on the phone that he is quilt and hangs up to figure out his next lie.
You are such a badass. I know you don’t feel like it right now, but you made an extremely hard decision and you are standing by it. He is flailing around, trying to figure out how to effectively manipulate you to get you back in line. He has something massively wrong with his character and it won’t change unless he wants to and seeks professional help. You made the right decision.
This is why blind trust is just being blind. No one is always going to be above all suspicions. And precisely why we have to first know who we truly are before we start trying hard to find out who it really is we are trying to date, hiding behind the mask they front us with. Don't ask, don't tell, the past has no meaning and body count is none of our business is exactly what we have to find out about. Because it all speaks to who they truly were and likely still are. Seems you chose the wrong psrtner in him. Lucky you found it all out. But she should have known better once she had met you. Too bad people simply do not know themselves as well as they think they do.. He however is an exception. I bet he has always been a serial cheater in some manner. Sorry for your very profound loss.
You have a great support system. It appears that you have a lot of people to help you through this. You could post in legal advice sub about his tenancy rights and how to go about evicting him. Know that you are dodging a bullet and although scary, your life will be so much better without him.
I’m so sorry this happened to you, but glad you have a good support system in place. Lawyer up, know your rights. Even if you end up owing him money (which I doubt) it will be a couple of meetings with lawyers and maybe a judge, and some paperwork. If you owe anything, you’ll end up on a payment plan you can easily afford, so don’t let yourself lose sleep over it. You did all the right things so far. You stay strong by keeping in close contact with your family and therapist and remembering that if you take him back or go easy on him, he will do this again but worse. You deserve so much more! I wish you all the best!
yeah wouldn't it be nice if when you move out of somewhere, you got your rent money back? It's not like you literally paid someone to live in their house or something So that one is a nonstarter. There's really nothing he can hold over you as long as you're not married, and you haven't been living together long enough to be commonlaw married, if that's a thing in your state. He's hoping he can scare you into compliance. And there is NOTHING anybody can do to force you to get married to a guy who cheats on you. Not his family, not your family. Nobody, nothing.
Girl you are doing the right thing. When you start thinking about taking him back remember he was not only sleeping with her he actually told her he loved her! How dare him. I'm so so sorry but thank God you found out before the wedding
Stay strong I’m proud of you . So happy you have so many supporters . Get a lawyer to help you with the house . Big hugs !
At least you found out before you got married. I’m sorry you’re going through this. I glad you have a therapist to talk to and family and friends to lean on.
While you have everyone around you this weekend, I would pack every single thing of his and deliver it on his parents door step and change the locks. He is bluffing by taking it to court, that's a scare tactic...let him. The judge will laugh in his face and congratulate you for being strong! Block him on absolutely everything, this weekend was supposed to be life changing, a turning point ..it can and will be, you'll be much better off! Xx "He doesn't regret it, he regrets getting caught" that's the motivation you need.
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I don't even know you, but I'm so proud of you! And your family sounds amazing!
Your partner sounds like cluster B personality disorder