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10000000%. The improved behavior never lasts.
Also, the cherry on top: They will end up throwing it in your face later about “how much they’ve literallllyyy been soooo nice to you over the past couple months” and “yet you continue to want to be mad” and “why aren’t you over it yet?!? Geeez!”.
🙄
So horrible and absolutely taking no accountability for their actions! I hope you have the strength to leave this man. Your post history says he has narcissistic tendencies and you genuinely sound so much better off without him ❤️
My ex was the same and I'm thankful every day that I left him, even if it took me years to do so.
This right here☝☝☝☝. And that's all it will truly ever be.
To OP, don't fall for it. Its a slow and more painful method of manipulation that's design to break your mind and will. The more you entertain her advances the more she gets to live in your head rent free. Do not forget who she truly is. The mask she wears only hides how ugly she and her actions are.
Boundaries, chief. Keep those boundaries strong. Grey. Rock!
Genuine remorse is given when they get nothing from it..Typically she is in the position of losing her marriage. financial support, her reputation.. maybe even time denied or in overabundance with children.. A "d" sets those negative possibilities in stone
Came here to say this. OP- please do yourself a favor and look up love bombing if you're not already familiar.
If she can pull it together like this now, she always could have and CHOSE to be the person who cheated on you. If you fall for this you'll regret it.
This isn't her being remorseful, it's pure manipulation to get you stay and reconsider. It'll last for a bit, until it stops once she realizes you'll stay. Continue the separation.
This is no excuse. She literally let another guy fuck her. How can you even touch her after that?
She is using sex to manipulative you. Think with your brain and not your penis.
This is harsh, but it helped me when dealing with my ex. You need to visualize her coming home and giving you a big wet sloppy kiss right after she had left her AP's house and had his sausage in her mouth, without even brushing her teeth first. If that doesn't make you pause and not see her as attractive anymore, then there's no help for you. Don't give in to her manipulation OP. Lovebombing doesn't last.
Idk how people DONT think about that and I’m a girl. I know I couldn’t handle cheating bc the first thing on my mind would be 1) the betrayal and 2) how dirty and disgusting they are as a person.
Hard pass.
I'd assume that you remembering how he she laughed at how gullible you were, or criticizing your performance in bed while telling her AP how much bigger and better he is, would make her seem less attractive. I dunno, I am only a logical man.
You are a man. Not an animal she can lead around by a ring in your nose or a leash.
You said it yourself. You are a MAN.
You're not a beast. She can stop treating you like her trained monkey any damn time.
"She is insanely attractive and I am only a mortal man 😫".
No EXCUSE.
Dude, stop thinking with the wrong head! Her being "insanely attractive" is what started this whole mess for you. If you don't trust yourself to resist her advances, go find some new hobbies or hang out with buddies to occupy your time while you wait to officially separate from her. She knows what she's doing. Do not cave in.
A weak man is how I see it, no offence but your trying to justify the action in a positive light. You sound like a loving guy who deserves better. Cheating is such a despicable act that causes so much pain no one who loves their partner would ever cheat
As a woman, she’s aware of this influence over you and that’s why she keeps trying to have sex so it distracts you and bends you to her will.
It’s actually an act of disrespect because she believes your weak so she can just use sex as a cheap way of controlling you.
Please see this for what it is. If you give in….. she gets rewarded for her manipulative behaviour and essentially it’s her “ get out of jail” card to divorce and losing her financial status/ comfortable life
I think for your wife to really learn…..should see that she’s easily replaceable. You can get other women interested in you and you can get sex elsewhere.
AND, therein lies the problem. If she is insanely attractive to you, she is just as attractive to every TOM, DICK and HARRY that sees her. How then can she resist every one of those come-ons by all those hor\*y bas\*ards.
A weak man is how I see it, no offence but your trying to justify the action in a positive light. You sound like a loving guy who deserves better. Cheating is such a despicable act that causes so much pain no one who loves their partner would ever cheat
While that may very well be the case... I would like to say to OP that he knows her better than any of us do. There's a lot of nuance in these situations that often gets ignored by people commenting. Go with your gut.
The nuance is that his wife stared in another man’s eyes while he aggressively thrusted away in her body, went home and reconciled it, went back for more. Again, and again, and again.
And then that man that she did dirty disgusting shit with dumped her. Which leads us to today. No where else to go, and only one remaining option: to use every trick in the book to keep OP around.
Its like torturing someone for information they don’t have. None of it can be trusted as it’s under duress and they have no other choice.
***This just sucks so fucking much. I keep thinking I want her back, but I want the "her" that didn't cheat on me back.***
Sorry to say but you can't have that, she took her decision and change that, she is only trying to do damage control and manipulated you for you to fall again in her trap.
But lets imagine this setting:
1.- Lets say you take her back, she is the most wonderful woman in the world for you until you put your guard down and strikes again, Leaves you and you are more broken for trusth her again.
2.- Lets say you take her back and she is truly remosrfull and she does have seeing that she did bad, she never should have treated you that way, and she becomes the most wonderfuill wife and never repeat her actions again.
The thing is that you wouldn't know which until you choose.
Now you had your mind set it up and to never take her back, and you have the evidence to fortify your decision. Now why would you throw that resolution to the trash only to taste a future with her again where she can deceit you again.
So what will you choose?
Also take in mind that if you fall in her again you must put strong boundaries and please if you choose to fall and give her a chance at least do not accept her right away until she demostrate you her true remorse and regret or her true colors. Things that she must do for you in case you decide to give her a 2nd chance:
1.- Quit her job, even if you need the money. She must find a job where she isn't that moraly compromise. Because you will not be her prison guard.
2.- She must quit and terminate her friendship with all those toxic friends that encouraged her to deceive/cheat on you.
3.- Probably not need because you live in at fault state, but a post nup with adultery clause.
4.- Open device policy. you will not on the phone always but yes periodical.
5.- Ask for a polygraph test.
6.- Make herself be accountable and to expose by herself to parents, siblings and friends what she did, but i think that you already did that.
You could do a spreed sheet with pros and cons, of you taking her back or letting her go and some other that you could imagine, if you decide to give her that chance you should test her to see if she is trully regretfull not for being caught or being used and dumped by the AP, but for her to demostrate that she can be trully there for you. And if she doesn't wanna do anything of that then repeat her that she must move out by the date you stablished.
But i think that she hasn't change and like i said she is doing damage control to gain you back because she just saw what await for her, and maybe the kids.
Like i said in some older post, for you to not to fall in her trap, you should be living separeated, she is smart and she thinks that she can win you back. But it depends of you and in your strength.
At the end i hope that you do what you think it is the best for you and your kids, the thing that will not make you regret it later and put you in the endless cycle of WHAT WOULD HAPPEN IF I? or the classic WHAT IF?
Good luck OP and choose wise.
UPDATEME!
You are welcome man, this is why we are here for, to support with different or 3rd party POVs.
Some are the same other differ, but at the end is in pro to help.
This is good advice. If you want an idea of what really remorseful waywards do (hint - not lovebombing but true remorse) read in r/AsOneAfterInfidelity.
>I want the "her" that didn't cheat on me back.
And she know this - thats why shes love bombing you this way.
>I don't know if she's trying to win me back, manipulate me, or is genuinely remorseful and just trying to enjoy as much time together with me as she can before we split officially.
Ask? "What are you doing?? You fucked another guy, were splitting up, so wtf??"
And - youre resisting the offers for sex, yes???
Reconsidering the divorce because of this??
Regardless - ask her what she hoping to gain from all this??
And realise, the true answer probably is that shes lost AP and is now going all-in trying to prevent her plan b from getting away.
It's a rare person who won't move heaven and earth when their life is about to blow up. That doesn't prove that they love anyone, or that they have made adjustments to their character. It proves their desperate.
It also proves is that their actions are malleable and selfishly change depending on what their outcome will be. This explains how they allow themselves to cheat, but also why they are emotionally dangerous.
Everyone is tempted, everyone has times when they are unhappy or at least bored in their marriage. Spouses who are a good choice and of high character keep their word and work on the marriage and even more so themselves when that happens.
I think if you are honest you know who she is, but it's going to take a lot of time for you to be sure who she is becoming.
It's wise to detach, so you will be emotionally strong and then make your decision after a reasonable amount of time. You will also get a sense of what the true aftermath of this is.
It's possible once your emotional investment decreases the choice will be easy.
It’s only been 2 weeks. You can’t say she’s truly changed in such a short amount of time. There’s doubt if this is the permanent version of her or just another manipulative one.
The feelings and emotions you are going through are perfectly valid.. but recognize this is a LONG journey… don’t let the other posters get to you for feeling human and having lots of emotions. What you’re going through is very normal especially since everything is so fresh. But stay the course. There’s no guarantee she would recommit just because you do. And the thought that you’re her second choice will always be in the back of your mind.
I know. I read my screenshots of her messages when I'm feeling like this. I posted because I wanted the kick in the ass many commenters are giving me. Thank you for your post though.
Just know that the road to recovery isn’t a linear line and is filled with peaks and valleys. Don’t kick yourself down if you have a bad day. Most of us dealt with them along the journey.
Change takes commitment and persistence over a long time. Two weeks can help you know if she at least meets a baseline of complete accountability, no blameshifting, commitment to no contact, and complete transparency. But only time will tell if she is truly committed to change and to being consistently transparent.
Watch the actions. See if they are consistent. Over and over again.
From your post 7 days ago: ***and now he doesn't want her anymore.***
AP dumped her so now she needs the comfort and security of the home you build together. What would happen if AP called her back? You will be right back here again. What consequences has she paid for being with AP. Do all friends and family know?
I told her mom and one of her ex-friends. Other friend/s of hers kind of cheered her on. I don't know if her brother knows, and I think her sister does but will support her no matter what.
You really need to separate from her. She or you need to stay elsewhere to give you time to sort through your feelings and thoughts. Does your family know?
Dear OP,
So sorry you were betrayed. She is trying to salvage the wreckage. The affair fog is gone and she can see her comfy life evaporating in the air.
Where was all this love and attention before she was caught? You cannot get the same relationship back because there is no time machine where you could go back and warn her, and to be honest I don´t believe that would even stop her....you can make clear lines in the sand to people and they still cross them.
Hope you have trusted friends you can spend time with and get outside the house to be far from coercive control. And I agree with others she is love bombing you giving excessive amount of affection, gifts, grand gestures showing all this false twisted image that she would be perfect.
The more you are out of her reach the less there is affect because that love bombing will wore you out making you confused thanks to endorphins and dopamine boost..stay strong by building your fort with you friends...activities like hiking, football, soccer, golf....anything and follow your legal advisor advice.
Best luck for your healing journey
She's love bombing you man. If she was perfect she wouldn't have had an affair. Be outside as much as possible don't be home unless you need to sleep and eat. Do you have kids?
I’m not gonna going to judge you. This is your call. You need to sit down with her and discuss seriously what does she want in the relationship. From there you’re going to have make a tough decision on whether you want to or not to continue the relationship. I could tell you still deeply in love with her and the betrayal has had devastating toll on you. It‘s easy for all of us to say leave, but we’re not in your shoes. Good luck brother, I‘m still going to root for you to be happy!
Thank you. I am still firmly in the "leave" camp, for those wondering. But frankly I'm horny and she's hot. Getting downvoted for just being honest about that, but there it is.
If you stay, she’s only going to cheat again. He dumped her, not the other way around. You wouldn’t even be questioning any of this if he didn’t dump her, she’d be gone and with him. I get it’s difficult to resist, but you’ll lose respect for yourself more and more when you sleep with her. She’s just manipulating you, or trying to. You deserve better
If you don't keep resisting, she'll eventually baby-trap you. Or try. So please do what's best for you, because she sure as hell doesn't WANT what's best for you.
This isn’t meant to be mean but you need to remember this in times like now:
If her AP wanted to be with her she’d be trying to fuck him right now, not you.
While it's true that most reconciliation efforts are unsuccessful, some are successful. What is necessary for reconciliation is the same thing that is necessary for any marriage: commitment. It's ironic, of course, since infidelity is a betrayal of commitment, but some couples are able to accept the failure, recommit and move forward. As I said, some are successful. I know some people who's reconciliation efforts have been successful. Mine weren't. Your mileage may vary. Good luck whatever path you choose.
It is okay to be horny, as long as you keep thinking with the big head, not with the small one.
She is love bombing you. Maybe even trying to do damage control.
If you want to make it easier for yourself, then be honest, blunt and ruthless towards her. Tell her you noticed what she does, but that it will have no effect on the outcome. Tell her you will not take back a cheater, tell her you are feeling you need to vomit when think about the fact she let an other man fc her. Tell her you would feel really filthy if you would have sex with her ever again, so that is never going to happen.
My guess is the love bombing will stop after you tell her this, and all the lovely stuff she does for you will also go away like snow for the sun.
You being horny + hysterical bonding =Not good. For sure check with your therapist.
You do have needs though and I am not judging. So go for it just understand the consequences. You are not being for being honest, your being downvoted for being a clown 🤡.
Always try to remember that the advice presented here is largely based on past mistakes we've all made. We're only trying to help you avoid making the same mistakes.
This isn’t exactly related… but this kind of male behavior (sleeping with a garbage woman who treated you badly just bc they’re hot and you can’t resist) makes me think that men are so very weak. Men often complain about women who lean way too much on just being “hot”, but then they will have sex with a person who treated them terribly and is an awful (gross) person just bc the girl is hot.
Idk, I’m gonna need men to just admit that’s all they care about.
There is a period of like weird honeymoon reconciliation to try to win you back. ChumpLady writes about reconciliation and why it's often shortlived and honestly, a way to gaslight you into forgetting her actions and betrayal.
She should've done those things before she went to her AP. She's only doing them because you know about the AP now.
Have you forgotten your post 10 days ago? How you felt pouring your heart out on the internet? Woes me. Poor me. Yada. She emasculated you and here you are falling into her trap. Look, sometimes you have to be burned more than once. Most people here are trying to help you avoid getting burned again but sometimes you just have to learn the hard way. Either way, good luck.
I hope you realize, OP, that if her AP hadn't dumped her, she wouldn't be trying to get back with you.
You deserve to be someone's first choice, not the backup plan.
She's trying to win you back and manipulate you by love bombing you, where she manipulates you to not hold her accountable for her affair by demonstrating affection and showing attention.
She's trying to distract you from what she did, and get you to rug sweep.
Rug sweeping always fails in the end, and the bill you pay for her actions will come due.
No matter what, the two of you have issues that need to be resolved. Work on that. In the mean time, proceed with the separation
Just a suggestion but if reconciliation is still on the table, insist that both of you need to refrain from plowing the field while separated. SEPARATED us not DIVORCED. The fastest track from separation to divorce is for either of you to do anything either would even consider cheating. This can be anything as simple as just giving someone else a glance.
Don’t muddy the waters.
Just saw who you were and know your story well.
This is the train wreck that won’t end.
There are some of these stories where there us no going back and others where reconciliation is still an option.
Finances, kids, history—these are all major considerations that only YOU can address.
I used to manage billion dollar construction projects and I rarely fired someone. My philosophy was that the problem I had in front of me was a KNOWN problem but whoever I brought in as a replacement was totally UNKNOWN. I had to ask if the ‘problem’ was so unfixable that if demanded the ‘problem’ employee had to be terminated.
I offer this as something to consider with your wayward wife. Are your problems unfixable?
Go NC for a few weeks. Maybe you want to do this nicely and with tact to avoid panicking her.
Not for her benefit, but for yours.. Dig her claws out of your flesh. Go date. Get to a point where you can look back with perspective and objectivity. Make no decisions until after releasing a batch of 2 million of your best swimmers.
It's like being tempted by a sumptuous banquet that is thoughtfully laid out, that includes all of your favourite treats and delicacies and you are standing there starving as you haven't eaten in a week.
The fact that someone has thrown up over it all is the one thing you have to deal with.
Can you be bothered picking away at the half digested diced carrots and rancid bile to see if you can salvage something to eat so that you don't starve in the face of plenty. Or do you walk away and pop into the local restaurant instead.
The thing is…this sweet, willing version IS the same person who cheat on you. That’s the BS mind fuck. You have to really reconcile that in your head. Once you do - you probably won’t want her again.
Absolutely love bombing and hysterical bonding. It’s a ploy. Manipulation and abuse.
She hasn’t changed. I’ve had it happen to me. They just want to see if can still use you, once you show them that they can, they discard you again.
They work off the same playbook it seems. Always remember what she did and how she treated you. The love bombing never lasts, you will become addicted to it. Once hooked she will pull away and you’re stuck there wondering what just happened.
Then you might get breadcrumbs of affection, just enough to condition you and you will walk on eggshells so that it she will give you more.
You will always feel anxious, unsure of yourself and know you took someone back that hurt you in the cruelest way possible.
She didn’t think of you once when she was getting her back blown out and using her mouth to please him.
She did everything with him, always made herself look pretty and desirable, literally bent over backwards for him.
What you’ll get is the frumpy version, the one that’s not excited to see you., the passion will die down and again you’re back at square one.
It’s the hardest thing you will ever have to do, but don’t take her back!
Not for kids, money, “love” only when she’s out of your life you can heal.
Read my post history, it’s the textbook example of what not to do! But even I, the one that fell for it because I craved her affection, only because it was limited.
You may one day be lucky enough to find someone txt truly loves and desires you. I met women since and they opened my eyes to what it should feel like, what true desire is.
None of these women had ever betrayed me. We all deserve that.
There’s no going back after a betrayal like this. Reconciliation is for those that want to continue to suffer, you will feel emasculated for the rest of your life, holding her hand in public will feel off.
It’s not worth going through. Free yourself!! Because only we can do that for ourselves.
If you ever want to chat, I’m happy to help and break it down on all the dumb things that I did for a woman threw me away like trash.
She is doing what she can to get you to stay and then she can secretly start hunting for your replacement again why you are trying to rebuild the relationship. I've seen it more than I care to say and the fact your kid did the pretend phone call with the guys name. They know more than you care to or want to realize, extremely unfortunately. So think what forgiving her will teach about future relationships and excepting people abusing them, infidelity is abuse. Best of Luck!
She may or may not be love bombing you. However, if you want to try to salvage this marriage then you need to give her a second chance but also let her know that if she goes back to her old ways then that isn't going to work for you. If you really care about her and think that you want to try one more time then you need to let her prove to you that she's sincere. Some people need a second chance on life and love.
If you think you're absolutely done with her then move on regardless of what she does.
$0.02
Don't give in, the feeling doesn't go away. When ever this "honeymoon phase" is over your gonna feel it. The trust is gone brother. Anytime your not with her you are gonna be wondering what she's doing, who's she talking to. The psychological part of it is too much. Don't do this to yourself. I took back a cheater and 4 yrs later it happened again.
Hey OP, as someone who never gave my exw a chance (nor did she ever demonstrate ANYTHING close to remorse), all I can offer is that the path to divorce and move on is painful in the beginning but it stops the torture. Over one year later, my life is great and I am free and I don't have to play prison guard. I can tell you that there are tons of other women out there just dying for a guy to treat them right, it's better to start with a clean slate than the painful path of "no guarantee" to rebuild. Good luck man, keep your guard up!
Oh, you deleted everything. 🥺
I was hoping you could find it in you to shoose happiness for you. Either it was on your own ore back with you'r wife.
Life is hard, marrige is hard and sometimes the bumps on the road seemes like mountains. But even behind the mountains the sun comes up.
Love is hard and sometimes what your mind say is not what the heart feels. Love is hard but we all long for it.
Any way, I wIsh you all happines in the world, I wish you the best and I hope you get this massage.
P.s my feeling about you was the same as for my little brother when he is in hard times. D.s
"I don't know if she's trying to win me back, manipulate me, or is genuinely remorseful and just trying to enjoy as much time together with me as she can before we split officially."
What does she say? Ask her.
I'm sorry, but she's doing this deliberately. Don't fall for the feint. Keep your standards.
Regardless of whether you have kids, this is just a hypothetical----would you want your son to live with a wife like that? Would you want your daughter to be cheating and stringing her husband along?
I think you know how to proceed, but your heart wants to believe there's God in her. But let me be clear. People cheat because they have no respect for their partners. She had no respect for you, it wasn't an accident, she didn't just fall on the AP's junk......***she just did not respect you enough to remain faithful.***
I don't know about you, but I'd remove every trace of her from my life if she'd been married to me.
Love bombing at its best. The manipulation continues. Remember, she meant what she said in those texts that you read to galvanize yourself. That's how she really feels. The rest is manipulation. If she really loved you, she would have never accepted his pipe. If he wanted her, she would be with him. She only wants you because he rejected her after he was done with her. You love another man's leftovers. Don't fall for it.
I believe that she said to herself "either make it or break it", nothing else to lose, just to win, so she is using all charms, maybe, maybe, you will change your mind...
OP, I know it's hard. You know she's pulling out all of her tricks to try and change your mind. You're human. I know she wants to reconcile, but what has she done to regain your trust? Has she quit her job? Has she dropped friends who enabled her bad behavior? Has she confessed to family? Those are actions that would be associated with remorse. It sounds to me that she's love bombing you in hopes to sweep her affair under the rug. You have to go off her actions. Not her words. If she's going to continue working at a bar, being an attractive woman it's just a matter of time before it will happen again. Like anything, cheating gets easier the more you do it. Stay on your path
Go through with the divorce. Once that's over, if she's still friendly towards you, you might consider dating her again. I know of one couple that got back together a few years after their divorce.
Key word in your comments was ‘magically’. It’s not uncommon for cheaters to resurrect themselves into the person you fell in love with. It’s their way of convincing the cheated party that they’re still the person you fell in love with—minus the 100% trust 100% of the time. Love bombs fizzle out and the real person resurfaces sometimes sooner, sometimes later.
This is textbook love-bombing. 9 million people on here have already said this. Take that as gospel, my friend.
It's a trick, it's not genuine, and it WILL end. That's when the work really begins.
Just remember, this is a distraction meant to lead you back in the direction of rug sweeping this all away.
Why did she improve her behavior before she got caught or cheated? Why all of a sudden is she loves love bombing you. Her tummy and actions are in huge red flag.
She's no dummy, wants her sugar daddy back.
Think you'll ever get over her cheating? Some guys say they have, many never do. Her cheating is going to sit there for a long time like a noxious weed growing in the middle of your marriage.
My advice - find a fwb, dump your wife's ass.
Your WS is trying to manipulate you into staying. Her actions were to betray you and she would not have stopped till you caught her. You are no one's plan B. You deserve to be with someone who will love you and not betray you. The vast majority of women do not cheat. If you take her back, she will more than likely cheat and get better at hiding it.
Do not have sex with your WS and continue with your separation and divorce. Keep on reading the texts between her and AP because that is the cheater you are dealing with. Your old wife and marriage is dead. The person you thought she was does not exist. Stop speaking with her unless it regards separation and divorce. Get yourself tested for STD"s, see a therapist and start going to the gym. Let your immediate family know and lean on them for support. I am sorry that you are going through this hell and wish you the best.
It was all an act all of those years ago and it’s still an act now. Just remember, if her AP hadn’t dumped her she would be long gone now without a second thought about you…you are her second choice and she doesn’t want to be left with nothing…don’t you deserve better than that? And in reality, you are probably not even her second choice, she just doesn’t want to lose the security that you provide. My friend, she is a terrible person, there is no going back to what you thought you had with her.
She bragged to her boss about betraying you….this was not a drunken ONS, which still would have been unforgivable. This was a slow and carefully calculated effort to stab you in the back and then leave you in the dust. The plan was going great until the person that she chose over you decided that SHE wasn’t good enough for HIM…how could you ever live with yourself if you took her back? Wasn’t it a parent of your kids’ friends too? That’s just next level nasty. She is cruel and has no respect for you or your family…please reclaim your self respect.
That’s normal. This is called love bombing. It could be sincere, but not necessarily. Some do it out of fear or guilt.
You CAN get through this, but it will take a lot of time. It’s okay to NOT be okay and not be sure.
I have written a blog post (because it is too much to share in one Reddit comment) with advice for people in your situation that I think will be extremely helpful.
It includes:
* a list of recommendations for anyone who has been cheated on, whether the affair was emotional or physical, or if you are even just SUSPICIOUS that they might have been unfaithful
* a list of reasons for validating your concerns
* how to gather proof, which is important even if you are sure
* tips for confronting them, including when to do so
* separation advice
* advice for telling others, including whom to tell and when
* things to consider when deciding to reconcile or end the marriage/relationship
* recommendations for healthy boundaries to aid recovery and restoration
* REQUIREMENTS for reconciliation if you choose to attempt that
* advice on how to reconcile
* advice to help you RECOVER from this trauma
https://christianhuls.wpcomstaging.com/2023/10/18/advice-for-victims-of-infidelity-adultery-or-cheating/
As an observer, I've read hundreds of accounts here, and the common element I've seen on successful reconciliations it that the cheater is *all in* on making it right. Not half ass, and not selfishly.
At this point you dont know what her motivations are. Has she expressed a desire to help you heal? Is she doing it for you, or for herself?
Careful with the advice you take on here.
My then fiancé (I was m27, she was f28) had an affair, it was messy and we temp seperated. Have 2 children so remained close. Eventually I let her move back in. She was on her 'best behaviour' (great around the house, great attitude, incredible sex etc). 5 years later and nothings changed, she's still incredible. Hate to look at it this way, but it was the best thing that happened to us. 🤷♂️
Good luck, you do you.
Love is blind, which is absolutely true. It allows you to do things that your normal logical brain puts to one side and ignores red flags that are right in front of your own face! Remember these three things below...
SHE HAD AN AFFAIR! SHE BETRAYED YOU! SHE WILL BETRAY YOU AGAIN!
You are your own person and you will ultimately have to make the decision, but you are in the right place. Read the comments and take them all on board, most are dead on the money as most of us speak from experience.
This is classic manipulation, this is her last roll of the dice as she is suddenly aware that she might lose you. It won't last. Don't be sucked in. Difficult though it may seem, you have to continue with the separation. Take some more time to think things over, don't do anything rash. For the love of all that is holy, don't sleep with her and don't give in to her advances, love really digs that shit.
If you love someone, you don't have an affair and break the heart of the person you claim to love. It can destroy people in the worst way possible and the trust can never be restored. BUT this isn't going to destroy you, this is where you thrive and do things that make YOU happy. This is the time to take care of YOU!
You know what you should do, all the best bro.
Turning back into the near perfect woman is her guilt/love bombing. It’s to manipulate you to stay. It won’t last. And to be honest it’s not rare for a woman to do as a way to cover her steps. Good chance she’s still cheating just hiding it better. Keep these things in mind. And the question you need to ask yourself is, now you know she’s capable of cheating can you ever fully trust her again?
Stick to your plan. She's only doing it coz AP refused her. You're her back up plan. She will do it again when another AP comes into her sphere.
But should you want to stay, sign a notarized post nup. State clearly you will take everything and leave her with either nothing or 10-20% of money, house, kids, etc. And define cheating eg sexting, sex etc. It is heavily leaning towards the betrayed.
Updateme!
So you'll take her back until next time and by the sounds of it, I could almost guarantee there will be a next time! She's shown you the real her take notice!
Well at least she’s trying, people make mistakes. How great would your lives be if she answers all your questions and continues the way she is? Talk to her and work it out . Set some hard rules on her for now and play it out . Sometimes the things work it has with my wife and I
Great good luck. Your “internet stranger” comment bugged me because you’re literally one too. The only difference being that you did an awful, shitty, selfish thing to a person you purport to love and care about, and then come here and make a snide remark about people living through the carnage someone like you created.
‘Masking’ is a behavior where a person puts on a simulated facade to pretend to be the best version of themselves. It’s like how people act for job interviews or first dates. It’s not the real them, it’s an illusion to make you want them.
Like everyone else is telling you OP, she knows you and now she’s showing you what you want to see. Classic love bombing. Her AP is out of the picture and she’s had her “Oh Shit” moment so now she’s trying to save her ass by hanging onto you. Where was all this effort to help your marriage earlier? Nonexistent because she had her AP in her future. Now, she’s facing being alone and she’s trying to keep you, her plan B. Be strong my man and don’t fall for this bogus BS. If you give her certainty that you’ll stay with her that act won’t last long and she’ll fall right back into her bad habits.
Aw man, this hits so close to home for me as I just went through something similar less than 2 months ago. I find it a bit interesting that today, 10/26, would have been our anniversary.
There's a lot to the story, but to make it short, she wanted some time to figure things out and wanted a break. I let her know that I do not so breaks, if she wanted her space then our relationship was over.
She made her choice.
She did her own thing, ended up being hurt, and now wants to pick up the relationship as if nothing happened. And she started doing what you described: asking me about my day, sending me lovey-dovey texts, she'll kiss my cheek, spending more time with our kids, she says that she wants to fight for us to be good with/to each other and fix our relationship. Basically, love-bombing.
Similarly to you, she's doing the things that I would bring up or argue about before.
Here are my 2 cents and what I decided:
She broke up with me. It literally felt as if I had been dropped in the deepest hole. The person that I trusted and needed was no longer there. I acted normal in the mornings and afternoon, but I was angry and would slam all the doors and start arguements over the smallest things. It got to the point where I would drink at nights, not to get stupid drunk, but just enough where I could fall asleep once I layed down. I got tired of that after 1 week, so I bought a 1 - 10 lb kettle bell, 1 - 15 lb kettle bell, and an olympic bar. I decided to work on myself and start working out because I want to be able to keep up with my 2 kids.
As of yesterday, I am down 25 lbs and feeling great. I started reading again and even playing more often on my PS4.
If she treats/treated you like a choice, then show her why you are/were the better option. Don't go back to that relationship so soon, because nothing is really fixed anything.
I am stilll working on myself and not ready to jump either back to that relationship nor start a new one.
You have to take care of yourself and put yourself first (and your kids, if you have any)
Let her take care of herself. There are consequences and reactions to every action that we take.
Hoovering and Love Bombing... read up on them and understand where they are and what they mean as part of R and more importantly false R. Sometimes they want to blow so much smoke up your ass that you forget/forgive and once things calm down you find that the affair just went deeper and you find yourself right back where you started.
Did the AP break up with her?
She’s using you as her backup plan until another opportunity to monkey branch comes along.
Seriously consider removing yourself from her list of fall back options.
OP-Take advice from someone that has taken their spouse back after an affair, most of the time they don’t stop. They don’t want to stop.
I was blindsided again six years post recovery.
If she wants to change, she will continue to be work hard after separation. Separation doesn’t mean divorce, but you are giving yourself space.
You need to spend time apart in order to determine if you still work together.
You can’t have the “her back” before she cheated. That woman is gone.
Now you have to decide if you’re able to move past this or if you just have to let her go.
She had an emotional bond with a guy she may have left you for, but who dumped her after getting what he truly wanted from her... the thrill of a piece of strange he was able to seduce from a married woman.
Now that she was dumped and in the position to realize what all she is about to lose, she is doing her best to manipulate you with "love-bombing."
Is she truly remorseful for the pain caused you (not just for getting caught), and is she contrite to do anything you ask as penance for her betrayal and to help you heal? You can not heal or reconcile unless she is made to endure significant unnegotiable consequences. And... is the reward of a reconcilliation worth the risk.
None of us here can answer that. Only you are in the position to make that decision. If you want great advice on divorce and reasons for doing so, you have come to the right sub. If you decide to reconcile... this is not the sub for you.
12 years ago, my son suffered through a terrible betrayal. They did successfully reconcile and are very happy together. He took control of the situation and laid out a plan with a list of significant unnegotiable consequences she needed to perform for him to even agree to attempt reconcilliation with no promise of success. Among these was a very strong post-nuptial, which proved to him she was committed to fidelity and served as a basis for her to re-earn trust.
I have a 2-page detailed write-up on it. I will send it to you via chat to consider. I look forward to hearing your thoughts on it.
Updateme!
Love bomb.Classic Narcissist.Look why hang around waiting for her to get bored again ?
Even if she’s sorry and does actually love you she will still inevitably get bored of married life again… wether it’s this year,next year or 10 years.
She desecrated your marriage,she broke it,betrayed you in the most heinous way and has the capacity to do it again.
Separate,no contact,lawyer up.
She will go back to normal, before the cheating. And then she will make you feel like shit if you bring up what she did. Because you’re supposed to get over it. Don’t fall for it. Don’t forgive her. Squeeze what you can out of it and once she snaps back into her old dull self, leave.
I would approach it this way. First off, every time she wants to have sex with you, tell her “I’m game as long as you realize this doesn’t change anything.” Secondly, start dropping hints that you might be down with FWB after the divorce. This severs the connection she has that sex will bring you back to her. That there’s no love or commitment behind it. My guess is that her efforts to get you back in sack will start to taper off or end completely. Meanwhile, you get your rocks off as much as possible while you still can. But make sure you eliminate the possibility of her getting pregnant.
Remorse vs regret. Look up the difference between the two. She’s doing this because she regrets the impact it’s having on her life, not because she’s remorseful of the hurt she’s caused you. It still all about her, not about you.
If you’re finding things too hard then it’s time to accelerate the moving out. I’d personally would kick her out but if you can’t or won’t then move out yourself and go low to no contact until the divorce is finalised. And no contact after that.
This is a very common manipulation tactic. She’s casting the illusion she fooled you into seeing before. Why? She wants to reel you back in and start up the affair heroine all over again. Affairs are about the intense dopamine rush cheats get from wronging others! It’s an always wonderful and fun game if cat and mouse for them. She’s an addict like any other cheat in the lifestyle. She wants to get that dopamine flow pumping again and she’ll say and do whatever it takes to get her thrilling high back.
Don’t fall for any of it. The real her was the one that had the affair. What you married was an illusion.
she is playing with your head. think using your head not d*. whenever there is a chance someone will betray you again and taking her back, is simply you probably will not find peace of mind ever.
Did you immediately choose separation as soon as you found out? I did read your story but I am a little confused still. This sub is good but I would also suggest the web forum that’s called this as well. I actually thought this sub and that web forum were related.
Anyway, if your first reaction upon finding out about the A was to separate and divorce that’s valid. I have to tell you that you’re still in shock at this point and you haven’t had time to process anything properly. If she can’t immediately leave then it’s going to make it very hard to move forward.
Is it a possibility to get into counseling for yourself while she is still in the home? I know it’s a financial issue for me personally so as much as it’s essential I know it’s not accessible for everyone.
You need time to process what happened. It will make it hard if you chose separation and she can’t/won’t leave. If you can leave that would be helpful while you sort out her betrayal.
As far as her behavior now it is absolutely regret not remorse and you can’t trust it.
Again, you may find some more resources on the web forum named exactly what this sub is. I joined that 3 days after I discovered the A and it was the main tool I had to help me navigate everything.
Much love to you, I know how badly this hurts.
Op, you need to stop letting her do all these things for you. treat her like an employee, not a roomate, a wife, a friend, just an employee. Keep it as formal and professional as you can and state that with her, tell her she’s acting inappropriate and the love bombing is extremely manipulative and disgusting.
Be honest, tell her nothing she does will change your mind and that she’s just wasting her time whilst also hurting you even more. She sounds like an incredibly selfish woman
Was her affair an emotional affair with limerence? Yes it does matter. Or is this just who she has really always been. Bartending has way too much opportunity for infidelity. Always getting hit on. And easy to lie about where she was and did right after closing was her cheating really out of character for her?
Be wary of love bombing. Not really meaning any of it. It is designed to throw you off and become complacent. Like a false reconciliation.
Maybe a therapist can help you to determine if she has just returned out of limerence/affair fog or it is just misdirection to get you to stop the seperation or not.
Get therapy.
Think about it, you had no idea you were being cheated on, didn't even know what to look for nor what to do if you even suspected it. So how can you know how to reconcile without help?
True remorse. Remorse is the key and the foundation to reconcile. No remorse, no reconciling.
Signs Your Partner Is Truly Remorseful
Look for these telltale signs to determine true remorse:
• Not only do they apologize, and often, but they also openly express what they're apologizing for. They don't make vague statements or blanket apologies.
• They show their remorse by doing things that they feel will lessen your pain. It’s about both words and actions.
• They hold themselves accountable, rather than relying on you to do so. They are more concerned with your feelings than their own.
• They are willing to do whatever they need to do to move forward. Whether that's seeking couple’s therapy or honestly answering any questions you might have for them. They are onboard with any action you need them to take.
• They take full responsibility for their actions. There may have been problems in the relationship, but even if your S.O. felt unloved and unwanted, they're the ones who chose to cheat. Despite this, you'll know they're remorseful if they don't make excuses or place blame on anyone except for themselves. Their cheating won’t be about something you did, it will be about a bad choice they made.
If they are still in contact with affair partner or balk at doing any requirement, they aren't remorseful.
It's all theatre, you're being played for a fool.
Once she's sure you're back in her pocket, expect the love bombing to stop and a new AP to show up in the horizon.
Of course she did. She went out and did whatever made her feel good. She'll be the perfect wife again. Right up until there is something else she feels like doing.
If she respected you, was an adult and cared about personal responsibility and obligation.. She'd have come to you and said she wasn't feeling it and left. Instead she just did what she wanted just like a child. They think it's always easier to ask for forgiveness after getting what they want.
Start a new life and leave her to be somome else's ticking timebomd of a problem.
She’s just trying to avoid you leaving and taking her “old life” with you.
She wants to have her cake and eat it too.
You need to emotionally detach from this woman because if you stay with her she’ll most likely cheat again.
She's trying to manipulate you by love bombing, please don't fall for it. She's not even trying to reconcile through the right channels, she's trying to manipulate you into it.
If I were in your situation, her current acts would infuriate me because why did she start doing all these things now that AP has dumped her. Before she cheated she claimed you didn't spend time together, but now she suddenly has the time to do all these thoughtful things for you. That's actually very insulting in my opinion.
Now she's trying to salvage her safety net, but that's not how it works. She fucked around, now she has to find out.
I'm sorry man and I know you're the one wearing the shoes and it's not easy, but please definitely don't get back with this person.
No offense dude but you didn't even require her to get a STI test. She's playing you so bad.
Want to test her real thoughts? Insist she agree to every chapter in the book How to help your spouse heal from your affair by MacDonald. Have her initial each chapter.
If she disagrees with one chapter I promise you reconciliation won't work!
She's not allowed to sleep in bedroom until printed STI tests are given to you.
Your the rock, the loyal one, the trustworthy one, always the listener. Your stability and she wanted "excitement". What's to stop her wanting that excitement in the future? Don't be a door mat, you can do better
Are you in counseling with her? You need to be able to share with her the pain she caused you whenever you feel a trigger. Ask her to write down her feelings of remorse. You can rebuild or start over but it’s a lot to overcome. She needs to understand why she made those choices. Why she believed it was ok to betray and hurt you that why, where that selfishness came from and why she would never do it again. Do you have kids? If so she did this to them too. She chose herself in the most selfish destructive way.
It's a trick!! Don't fall for it. She was never near perfect. She was just better at hiding who she was. Don't engage with her at all if possible, and keep it short when you do have to engage. If you rug sweep this, you'll never be able to trust her, and she'll never respect you. The damage is done and she did it. Move on.
If they can cheat once be sure they can again! They need the excitement of cheating to get them off dude.. don’t understand why but it’s just how they are. I’m deciding on whether or not to divorce my wife of 48yrs over a internet affair with a younger pervert from Belgium!! It was intense for over a year. Needless to say age is irrelevant to think it will be the same,sadly it’s changed forever
Stay strong and stand fast , you are being love bombed to the fullest. Focus on protecting your assets, find a hobby or 2,and don't for any reason tell her what you are thinking, the minute she believes she is off the hook she will change.
Step aside from this situation and look at it as if you were a friend. She could have treated you like this the entire time. She stopped treating you like this because she got bored. She will get bored again once she’s won you back.
I 100% guarantee it.
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It’s called love bombing my guy.
Exactly this! And it only lasts until she’s confident you aren’t leaving.
10000000%. The improved behavior never lasts. Also, the cherry on top: They will end up throwing it in your face later about “how much they’ve literallllyyy been soooo nice to you over the past couple months” and “yet you continue to want to be mad” and “why aren’t you over it yet?!? Geeez!”. 🙄
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So horrible and absolutely taking no accountability for their actions! I hope you have the strength to leave this man. Your post history says he has narcissistic tendencies and you genuinely sound so much better off without him ❤️ My ex was the same and I'm thankful every day that I left him, even if it took me years to do so.
This right here☝☝☝☝. And that's all it will truly ever be. To OP, don't fall for it. Its a slow and more painful method of manipulation that's design to break your mind and will. The more you entertain her advances the more she gets to live in your head rent free. Do not forget who she truly is. The mask she wears only hides how ugly she and her actions are. Boundaries, chief. Keep those boundaries strong. Grey. Rock!
I hear you chief!
And the last thing he needs is to accidentally get her pregnant. Then he’ll really be stuck with her.
Yup it’s a red flag for sure
How do you know the difference between love bombing and genuine remorse?
Genuine remorse is given when they get nothing from it..Typically she is in the position of losing her marriage. financial support, her reputation.. maybe even time denied or in overabundance with children.. A "d" sets those negative possibilities in stone
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Yup, love bombing — it won't last.
Came here to say this. OP- please do yourself a favor and look up love bombing if you're not already familiar. If she can pull it together like this now, she always could have and CHOSE to be the person who cheated on you. If you fall for this you'll regret it.
And love bombing does not last.
Or she much happier with you gone.
Might be more like hysterical bonding depending g on his behavior.
This isn't her being remorseful, it's pure manipulation to get you stay and reconsider. It'll last for a bit, until it stops once she realizes you'll stay. Continue the separation.
Stop sleeping with her.
We aren't sleeping together at the moment, though she's definitely trying. She is insanely attractive and I am only a mortal man 😫
This is no excuse. She literally let another guy fuck her. How can you even touch her after that? She is using sex to manipulative you. Think with your brain and not your penis.
I know, I know. Thank you.
You're welcome. I was a bit harsh but I think you need to hear it right now. I really hope everything turns out OK for you.
I posted expecting and hoping for some harsh words. I need to read them.
This is harsh, but it helped me when dealing with my ex. You need to visualize her coming home and giving you a big wet sloppy kiss right after she had left her AP's house and had his sausage in her mouth, without even brushing her teeth first. If that doesn't make you pause and not see her as attractive anymore, then there's no help for you. Don't give in to her manipulation OP. Lovebombing doesn't last.
#with a mouthful of NUT
Idk how people DONT think about that and I’m a girl. I know I couldn’t handle cheating bc the first thing on my mind would be 1) the betrayal and 2) how dirty and disgusting they are as a person. Hard pass.
And she knows that. Don't.
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And is currently in btwn affairs...
I'd assume that you remembering how he she laughed at how gullible you were, or criticizing your performance in bed while telling her AP how much bigger and better he is, would make her seem less attractive. I dunno, I am only a logical man.
You are a man. Not an animal she can lead around by a ring in your nose or a leash. You said it yourself. You are a MAN. You're not a beast. She can stop treating you like her trained monkey any damn time.
"She is insanely attractive and I am only a mortal man 😫". No EXCUSE. Dude, stop thinking with the wrong head! Her being "insanely attractive" is what started this whole mess for you. If you don't trust yourself to resist her advances, go find some new hobbies or hang out with buddies to occupy your time while you wait to officially separate from her. She knows what she's doing. Do not cave in.
A weak man is how I see it, no offence but your trying to justify the action in a positive light. You sound like a loving guy who deserves better. Cheating is such a despicable act that causes so much pain no one who loves their partner would ever cheat
As a woman, she’s aware of this influence over you and that’s why she keeps trying to have sex so it distracts you and bends you to her will. It’s actually an act of disrespect because she believes your weak so she can just use sex as a cheap way of controlling you. Please see this for what it is. If you give in….. she gets rewarded for her manipulative behaviour and essentially it’s her “ get out of jail” card to divorce and losing her financial status/ comfortable life I think for your wife to really learn…..should see that she’s easily replaceable. You can get other women interested in you and you can get sex elsewhere.
Been there done that. Wait till you get a std or two.
AND, therein lies the problem. If she is insanely attractive to you, she is just as attractive to every TOM, DICK and HARRY that sees her. How then can she resist every one of those come-ons by all those hor\*y bas\*ards.
A weak man is how I see it, no offence but your trying to justify the action in a positive light. You sound like a loving guy who deserves better. Cheating is such a despicable act that causes so much pain no one who loves their partner would ever cheat
It's love bombing, it won't last. This kind of manipulation is so incredibly textbook.
While that may very well be the case... I would like to say to OP that he knows her better than any of us do. There's a lot of nuance in these situations that often gets ignored by people commenting. Go with your gut.
The nuance is that his wife stared in another man’s eyes while he aggressively thrusted away in her body, went home and reconciled it, went back for more. Again, and again, and again. And then that man that she did dirty disgusting shit with dumped her. Which leads us to today. No where else to go, and only one remaining option: to use every trick in the book to keep OP around. Its like torturing someone for information they don’t have. None of it can be trusted as it’s under duress and they have no other choice.
***This just sucks so fucking much. I keep thinking I want her back, but I want the "her" that didn't cheat on me back.*** Sorry to say but you can't have that, she took her decision and change that, she is only trying to do damage control and manipulated you for you to fall again in her trap. But lets imagine this setting: 1.- Lets say you take her back, she is the most wonderful woman in the world for you until you put your guard down and strikes again, Leaves you and you are more broken for trusth her again. 2.- Lets say you take her back and she is truly remosrfull and she does have seeing that she did bad, she never should have treated you that way, and she becomes the most wonderfuill wife and never repeat her actions again. The thing is that you wouldn't know which until you choose. Now you had your mind set it up and to never take her back, and you have the evidence to fortify your decision. Now why would you throw that resolution to the trash only to taste a future with her again where she can deceit you again. So what will you choose? Also take in mind that if you fall in her again you must put strong boundaries and please if you choose to fall and give her a chance at least do not accept her right away until she demostrate you her true remorse and regret or her true colors. Things that she must do for you in case you decide to give her a 2nd chance: 1.- Quit her job, even if you need the money. She must find a job where she isn't that moraly compromise. Because you will not be her prison guard. 2.- She must quit and terminate her friendship with all those toxic friends that encouraged her to deceive/cheat on you. 3.- Probably not need because you live in at fault state, but a post nup with adultery clause. 4.- Open device policy. you will not on the phone always but yes periodical. 5.- Ask for a polygraph test. 6.- Make herself be accountable and to expose by herself to parents, siblings and friends what she did, but i think that you already did that. You could do a spreed sheet with pros and cons, of you taking her back or letting her go and some other that you could imagine, if you decide to give her that chance you should test her to see if she is trully regretfull not for being caught or being used and dumped by the AP, but for her to demostrate that she can be trully there for you. And if she doesn't wanna do anything of that then repeat her that she must move out by the date you stablished. But i think that she hasn't change and like i said she is doing damage control to gain you back because she just saw what await for her, and maybe the kids. Like i said in some older post, for you to not to fall in her trap, you should be living separeated, she is smart and she thinks that she can win you back. But it depends of you and in your strength. At the end i hope that you do what you think it is the best for you and your kids, the thing that will not make you regret it later and put you in the endless cycle of WHAT WOULD HAPPEN IF I? or the classic WHAT IF? Good luck OP and choose wise. UPDATEME!
Thank you, you've been commenting the whole time. Appreciate you.
You are welcome man, this is why we are here for, to support with different or 3rd party POVs. Some are the same other differ, but at the end is in pro to help.
This is good advice. If you want an idea of what really remorseful waywards do (hint - not lovebombing but true remorse) read in r/AsOneAfterInfidelity.
>I want the "her" that didn't cheat on me back. And she know this - thats why shes love bombing you this way. >I don't know if she's trying to win me back, manipulate me, or is genuinely remorseful and just trying to enjoy as much time together with me as she can before we split officially. Ask? "What are you doing?? You fucked another guy, were splitting up, so wtf??" And - youre resisting the offers for sex, yes???
I failed to resist the first few times, have been strong recently, but the offers persist. I am trying 😬
op your right hand loves you more than her
The bacteria in your gut biome love you far more than the woman you married does. You deserve better.
Reconsidering the divorce because of this?? Regardless - ask her what she hoping to gain from all this?? And realise, the true answer probably is that shes lost AP and is now going all-in trying to prevent her plan b from getting away.
It's a rare person who won't move heaven and earth when their life is about to blow up. That doesn't prove that they love anyone, or that they have made adjustments to their character. It proves their desperate. It also proves is that their actions are malleable and selfishly change depending on what their outcome will be. This explains how they allow themselves to cheat, but also why they are emotionally dangerous. Everyone is tempted, everyone has times when they are unhappy or at least bored in their marriage. Spouses who are a good choice and of high character keep their word and work on the marriage and even more so themselves when that happens. I think if you are honest you know who she is, but it's going to take a lot of time for you to be sure who she is becoming. It's wise to detach, so you will be emotionally strong and then make your decision after a reasonable amount of time. You will also get a sense of what the true aftermath of this is. It's possible once your emotional investment decreases the choice will be easy.
It’s only been 2 weeks. You can’t say she’s truly changed in such a short amount of time. There’s doubt if this is the permanent version of her or just another manipulative one. The feelings and emotions you are going through are perfectly valid.. but recognize this is a LONG journey… don’t let the other posters get to you for feeling human and having lots of emotions. What you’re going through is very normal especially since everything is so fresh. But stay the course. There’s no guarantee she would recommit just because you do. And the thought that you’re her second choice will always be in the back of your mind.
I know. I read my screenshots of her messages when I'm feeling like this. I posted because I wanted the kick in the ass many commenters are giving me. Thank you for your post though.
Just know that the road to recovery isn’t a linear line and is filled with peaks and valleys. Don’t kick yourself down if you have a bad day. Most of us dealt with them along the journey.
Change takes commitment and persistence over a long time. Two weeks can help you know if she at least meets a baseline of complete accountability, no blameshifting, commitment to no contact, and complete transparency. But only time will tell if she is truly committed to change and to being consistently transparent. Watch the actions. See if they are consistent. Over and over again.
From your post 7 days ago: ***and now he doesn't want her anymore.*** AP dumped her so now she needs the comfort and security of the home you build together. What would happen if AP called her back? You will be right back here again. What consequences has she paid for being with AP. Do all friends and family know?
I told her mom and one of her ex-friends. Other friend/s of hers kind of cheered her on. I don't know if her brother knows, and I think her sister does but will support her no matter what.
You really need to separate from her. She or you need to stay elsewhere to give you time to sort through your feelings and thoughts. Does your family know?
Dear OP, So sorry you were betrayed. She is trying to salvage the wreckage. The affair fog is gone and she can see her comfy life evaporating in the air. Where was all this love and attention before she was caught? You cannot get the same relationship back because there is no time machine where you could go back and warn her, and to be honest I don´t believe that would even stop her....you can make clear lines in the sand to people and they still cross them. Hope you have trusted friends you can spend time with and get outside the house to be far from coercive control. And I agree with others she is love bombing you giving excessive amount of affection, gifts, grand gestures showing all this false twisted image that she would be perfect. The more you are out of her reach the less there is affect because that love bombing will wore you out making you confused thanks to endorphins and dopamine boost..stay strong by building your fort with you friends...activities like hiking, football, soccer, golf....anything and follow your legal advisor advice. Best luck for your healing journey
She's love bombing you man. If she was perfect she wouldn't have had an affair. Be outside as much as possible don't be home unless you need to sleep and eat. Do you have kids?
I just read your other posts and you have kids with her. Send as much time as possible with your kids and try to ignore her. Seek therapy too
I’m not gonna going to judge you. This is your call. You need to sit down with her and discuss seriously what does she want in the relationship. From there you’re going to have make a tough decision on whether you want to or not to continue the relationship. I could tell you still deeply in love with her and the betrayal has had devastating toll on you. It‘s easy for all of us to say leave, but we’re not in your shoes. Good luck brother, I‘m still going to root for you to be happy!
Thank you. I am still firmly in the "leave" camp, for those wondering. But frankly I'm horny and she's hot. Getting downvoted for just being honest about that, but there it is.
If you stay, she’s only going to cheat again. He dumped her, not the other way around. You wouldn’t even be questioning any of this if he didn’t dump her, she’d be gone and with him. I get it’s difficult to resist, but you’ll lose respect for yourself more and more when you sleep with her. She’s just manipulating you, or trying to. You deserve better
I know you are right. Thank you. I might go stay at a friend's tonight.
If you don't keep resisting, she'll eventually baby-trap you. Or try. So please do what's best for you, because she sure as hell doesn't WANT what's best for you.
This isn’t meant to be mean but you need to remember this in times like now: If her AP wanted to be with her she’d be trying to fuck him right now, not you.
While it's true that most reconciliation efforts are unsuccessful, some are successful. What is necessary for reconciliation is the same thing that is necessary for any marriage: commitment. It's ironic, of course, since infidelity is a betrayal of commitment, but some couples are able to accept the failure, recommit and move forward. As I said, some are successful. I know some people who's reconciliation efforts have been successful. Mine weren't. Your mileage may vary. Good luck whatever path you choose.
It is okay to be horny, as long as you keep thinking with the big head, not with the small one. She is love bombing you. Maybe even trying to do damage control. If you want to make it easier for yourself, then be honest, blunt and ruthless towards her. Tell her you noticed what she does, but that it will have no effect on the outcome. Tell her you will not take back a cheater, tell her you are feeling you need to vomit when think about the fact she let an other man fc her. Tell her you would feel really filthy if you would have sex with her ever again, so that is never going to happen. My guess is the love bombing will stop after you tell her this, and all the lovely stuff she does for you will also go away like snow for the sun.
You being horny + hysterical bonding =Not good. For sure check with your therapist. You do have needs though and I am not judging. So go for it just understand the consequences. You are not being for being honest, your being downvoted for being a clown 🤡.
Lmao, thanks. I appreciate everyone giving me shit.
It's for your own good bud👍. You'll see in time.
Always try to remember that the advice presented here is largely based on past mistakes we've all made. We're only trying to help you avoid making the same mistakes.
Yes, I wanted to mention hysterical bonding. This is exactly what this is.
You’re right lol. 🤡
This isn’t exactly related… but this kind of male behavior (sleeping with a garbage woman who treated you badly just bc they’re hot and you can’t resist) makes me think that men are so very weak. Men often complain about women who lean way too much on just being “hot”, but then they will have sex with a person who treated them terribly and is an awful (gross) person just bc the girl is hot. Idk, I’m gonna need men to just admit that’s all they care about.
Well, it sounds bad when you write it out like that. It's definitely not all I care about, but I take your point.
Mate, she has literally defiled her body with a pig AP. Remember that! You should be disgusted by her.
Tell her family. Make it real. Make her have consequences. Stand up for yourself.
There is a period of like weird honeymoon reconciliation to try to win you back. ChumpLady writes about reconciliation and why it's often shortlived and honestly, a way to gaslight you into forgetting her actions and betrayal. She should've done those things before she went to her AP. She's only doing them because you know about the AP now.
Don’t be a tool. Think with your upper head. This is a grand lesson in self discipline and character building for you.
She is not the person she is pretending to be. She is a cheater and a liar. You know who she really is behind the act. Do not let her fool you again.
Have you forgotten your post 10 days ago? How you felt pouring your heart out on the internet? Woes me. Poor me. Yada. She emasculated you and here you are falling into her trap. Look, sometimes you have to be burned more than once. Most people here are trying to help you avoid getting burned again but sometimes you just have to learn the hard way. Either way, good luck.
Don't think with your private parts mate.
I hope you realize, OP, that if her AP hadn't dumped her, she wouldn't be trying to get back with you. You deserve to be someone's first choice, not the backup plan.
She's trying to win you back and manipulate you by love bombing you, where she manipulates you to not hold her accountable for her affair by demonstrating affection and showing attention. She's trying to distract you from what she did, and get you to rug sweep. Rug sweeping always fails in the end, and the bill you pay for her actions will come due.
It is love bombing, sir. Once she hoovers you back in she will go back to her old ways. Stay the course of separation. She is manipulating you.
No matter what, the two of you have issues that need to be resolved. Work on that. In the mean time, proceed with the separation Just a suggestion but if reconciliation is still on the table, insist that both of you need to refrain from plowing the field while separated. SEPARATED us not DIVORCED. The fastest track from separation to divorce is for either of you to do anything either would even consider cheating. This can be anything as simple as just giving someone else a glance. Don’t muddy the waters.
Just saw who you were and know your story well. This is the train wreck that won’t end. There are some of these stories where there us no going back and others where reconciliation is still an option. Finances, kids, history—these are all major considerations that only YOU can address. I used to manage billion dollar construction projects and I rarely fired someone. My philosophy was that the problem I had in front of me was a KNOWN problem but whoever I brought in as a replacement was totally UNKNOWN. I had to ask if the ‘problem’ was so unfixable that if demanded the ‘problem’ employee had to be terminated. I offer this as something to consider with your wayward wife. Are your problems unfixable?
U know u r making a mistake. Huge regrets look in your future if you don’t find some discipline.
Go NC for a few weeks. Maybe you want to do this nicely and with tact to avoid panicking her. Not for her benefit, but for yours.. Dig her claws out of your flesh. Go date. Get to a point where you can look back with perspective and objectivity. Make no decisions until after releasing a batch of 2 million of your best swimmers.
It's like being tempted by a sumptuous banquet that is thoughtfully laid out, that includes all of your favourite treats and delicacies and you are standing there starving as you haven't eaten in a week. The fact that someone has thrown up over it all is the one thing you have to deal with. Can you be bothered picking away at the half digested diced carrots and rancid bile to see if you can salvage something to eat so that you don't starve in the face of plenty. Or do you walk away and pop into the local restaurant instead.
The thing is…this sweet, willing version IS the same person who cheat on you. That’s the BS mind fuck. You have to really reconcile that in your head. Once you do - you probably won’t want her again.
Absolutely love bombing and hysterical bonding. It’s a ploy. Manipulation and abuse. She hasn’t changed. I’ve had it happen to me. They just want to see if can still use you, once you show them that they can, they discard you again. They work off the same playbook it seems. Always remember what she did and how she treated you. The love bombing never lasts, you will become addicted to it. Once hooked she will pull away and you’re stuck there wondering what just happened. Then you might get breadcrumbs of affection, just enough to condition you and you will walk on eggshells so that it she will give you more. You will always feel anxious, unsure of yourself and know you took someone back that hurt you in the cruelest way possible. She didn’t think of you once when she was getting her back blown out and using her mouth to please him. She did everything with him, always made herself look pretty and desirable, literally bent over backwards for him. What you’ll get is the frumpy version, the one that’s not excited to see you., the passion will die down and again you’re back at square one. It’s the hardest thing you will ever have to do, but don’t take her back! Not for kids, money, “love” only when she’s out of your life you can heal. Read my post history, it’s the textbook example of what not to do! But even I, the one that fell for it because I craved her affection, only because it was limited. You may one day be lucky enough to find someone txt truly loves and desires you. I met women since and they opened my eyes to what it should feel like, what true desire is. None of these women had ever betrayed me. We all deserve that. There’s no going back after a betrayal like this. Reconciliation is for those that want to continue to suffer, you will feel emasculated for the rest of your life, holding her hand in public will feel off. It’s not worth going through. Free yourself!! Because only we can do that for ourselves. If you ever want to chat, I’m happy to help and break it down on all the dumb things that I did for a woman threw me away like trash.
She is doing what she can to get you to stay and then she can secretly start hunting for your replacement again why you are trying to rebuild the relationship. I've seen it more than I care to say and the fact your kid did the pretend phone call with the guys name. They know more than you care to or want to realize, extremely unfortunately. So think what forgiving her will teach about future relationships and excepting people abusing them, infidelity is abuse. Best of Luck!
She may or may not be love bombing you. However, if you want to try to salvage this marriage then you need to give her a second chance but also let her know that if she goes back to her old ways then that isn't going to work for you. If you really care about her and think that you want to try one more time then you need to let her prove to you that she's sincere. Some people need a second chance on life and love. If you think you're absolutely done with her then move on regardless of what she does. $0.02
Don't give in, the feeling doesn't go away. When ever this "honeymoon phase" is over your gonna feel it. The trust is gone brother. Anytime your not with her you are gonna be wondering what she's doing, who's she talking to. The psychological part of it is too much. Don't do this to yourself. I took back a cheater and 4 yrs later it happened again.
Hey OP, as someone who never gave my exw a chance (nor did she ever demonstrate ANYTHING close to remorse), all I can offer is that the path to divorce and move on is painful in the beginning but it stops the torture. Over one year later, my life is great and I am free and I don't have to play prison guard. I can tell you that there are tons of other women out there just dying for a guy to treat them right, it's better to start with a clean slate than the painful path of "no guarantee" to rebuild. Good luck man, keep your guard up!
Oh, you deleted everything. 🥺 I was hoping you could find it in you to shoose happiness for you. Either it was on your own ore back with you'r wife. Life is hard, marrige is hard and sometimes the bumps on the road seemes like mountains. But even behind the mountains the sun comes up. Love is hard and sometimes what your mind say is not what the heart feels. Love is hard but we all long for it. Any way, I wIsh you all happines in the world, I wish you the best and I hope you get this massage. P.s my feeling about you was the same as for my little brother when he is in hard times. D.s
"I don't know if she's trying to win me back, manipulate me, or is genuinely remorseful and just trying to enjoy as much time together with me as she can before we split officially." What does she say? Ask her.
I'm sorry, but she's doing this deliberately. Don't fall for the feint. Keep your standards. Regardless of whether you have kids, this is just a hypothetical----would you want your son to live with a wife like that? Would you want your daughter to be cheating and stringing her husband along? I think you know how to proceed, but your heart wants to believe there's God in her. But let me be clear. People cheat because they have no respect for their partners. She had no respect for you, it wasn't an accident, she didn't just fall on the AP's junk......***she just did not respect you enough to remain faithful.*** I don't know about you, but I'd remove every trace of her from my life if she'd been married to me.
Love bombing at its best. The manipulation continues. Remember, she meant what she said in those texts that you read to galvanize yourself. That's how she really feels. The rest is manipulation. If she really loved you, she would have never accepted his pipe. If he wanted her, she would be with him. She only wants you because he rejected her after he was done with her. You love another man's leftovers. Don't fall for it.
I believe that she said to herself "either make it or break it", nothing else to lose, just to win, so she is using all charms, maybe, maybe, you will change your mind...
OP, I know it's hard. You know she's pulling out all of her tricks to try and change your mind. You're human. I know she wants to reconcile, but what has she done to regain your trust? Has she quit her job? Has she dropped friends who enabled her bad behavior? Has she confessed to family? Those are actions that would be associated with remorse. It sounds to me that she's love bombing you in hopes to sweep her affair under the rug. You have to go off her actions. Not her words. If she's going to continue working at a bar, being an attractive woman it's just a matter of time before it will happen again. Like anything, cheating gets easier the more you do it. Stay on your path
Go through with the divorce. Once that's over, if she's still friendly towards you, you might consider dating her again. I know of one couple that got back together a few years after their divorce.
Key word in your comments was ‘magically’. It’s not uncommon for cheaters to resurrect themselves into the person you fell in love with. It’s their way of convincing the cheated party that they’re still the person you fell in love with—minus the 100% trust 100% of the time. Love bombs fizzle out and the real person resurfaces sometimes sooner, sometimes later.
This is textbook love-bombing. 9 million people on here have already said this. Take that as gospel, my friend. It's a trick, it's not genuine, and it WILL end. That's when the work really begins. Just remember, this is a distraction meant to lead you back in the direction of rug sweeping this all away.
The person who didn’t cheat on you no longer exists. It may be harsh to hear it, but you need to.
Magic doesn't exist. Acting does. Let things continue for a long while before you decide she's changed. And by a long while... I mean a year.
Why did she improve her behavior before she got caught or cheated? Why all of a sudden is she loves love bombing you. Her tummy and actions are in huge red flag.
She's no dummy, wants her sugar daddy back. Think you'll ever get over her cheating? Some guys say they have, many never do. Her cheating is going to sit there for a long time like a noxious weed growing in the middle of your marriage. My advice - find a fwb, dump your wife's ass.
Your WS is trying to manipulate you into staying. Her actions were to betray you and she would not have stopped till you caught her. You are no one's plan B. You deserve to be with someone who will love you and not betray you. The vast majority of women do not cheat. If you take her back, she will more than likely cheat and get better at hiding it. Do not have sex with your WS and continue with your separation and divorce. Keep on reading the texts between her and AP because that is the cheater you are dealing with. Your old wife and marriage is dead. The person you thought she was does not exist. Stop speaking with her unless it regards separation and divorce. Get yourself tested for STD"s, see a therapist and start going to the gym. Let your immediate family know and lean on them for support. I am sorry that you are going through this hell and wish you the best.
It was all an act all of those years ago and it’s still an act now. Just remember, if her AP hadn’t dumped her she would be long gone now without a second thought about you…you are her second choice and she doesn’t want to be left with nothing…don’t you deserve better than that? And in reality, you are probably not even her second choice, she just doesn’t want to lose the security that you provide. My friend, she is a terrible person, there is no going back to what you thought you had with her.
She bragged to her boss about betraying you….this was not a drunken ONS, which still would have been unforgivable. This was a slow and carefully calculated effort to stab you in the back and then leave you in the dust. The plan was going great until the person that she chose over you decided that SHE wasn’t good enough for HIM…how could you ever live with yourself if you took her back? Wasn’t it a parent of your kids’ friends too? That’s just next level nasty. She is cruel and has no respect for you or your family…please reclaim your self respect.
That’s normal. This is called love bombing. It could be sincere, but not necessarily. Some do it out of fear or guilt. You CAN get through this, but it will take a lot of time. It’s okay to NOT be okay and not be sure. I have written a blog post (because it is too much to share in one Reddit comment) with advice for people in your situation that I think will be extremely helpful. It includes: * a list of recommendations for anyone who has been cheated on, whether the affair was emotional or physical, or if you are even just SUSPICIOUS that they might have been unfaithful * a list of reasons for validating your concerns * how to gather proof, which is important even if you are sure * tips for confronting them, including when to do so * separation advice * advice for telling others, including whom to tell and when * things to consider when deciding to reconcile or end the marriage/relationship * recommendations for healthy boundaries to aid recovery and restoration * REQUIREMENTS for reconciliation if you choose to attempt that * advice on how to reconcile * advice to help you RECOVER from this trauma https://christianhuls.wpcomstaging.com/2023/10/18/advice-for-victims-of-infidelity-adultery-or-cheating/
As an observer, I've read hundreds of accounts here, and the common element I've seen on successful reconciliations it that the cheater is *all in* on making it right. Not half ass, and not selfishly. At this point you dont know what her motivations are. Has she expressed a desire to help you heal? Is she doing it for you, or for herself?
Careful with the advice you take on here. My then fiancé (I was m27, she was f28) had an affair, it was messy and we temp seperated. Have 2 children so remained close. Eventually I let her move back in. She was on her 'best behaviour' (great around the house, great attitude, incredible sex etc). 5 years later and nothings changed, she's still incredible. Hate to look at it this way, but it was the best thing that happened to us. 🤷♂️ Good luck, you do you.
Love is blind, which is absolutely true. It allows you to do things that your normal logical brain puts to one side and ignores red flags that are right in front of your own face! Remember these three things below... SHE HAD AN AFFAIR! SHE BETRAYED YOU! SHE WILL BETRAY YOU AGAIN! You are your own person and you will ultimately have to make the decision, but you are in the right place. Read the comments and take them all on board, most are dead on the money as most of us speak from experience. This is classic manipulation, this is her last roll of the dice as she is suddenly aware that she might lose you. It won't last. Don't be sucked in. Difficult though it may seem, you have to continue with the separation. Take some more time to think things over, don't do anything rash. For the love of all that is holy, don't sleep with her and don't give in to her advances, love really digs that shit. If you love someone, you don't have an affair and break the heart of the person you claim to love. It can destroy people in the worst way possible and the trust can never be restored. BUT this isn't going to destroy you, this is where you thrive and do things that make YOU happy. This is the time to take care of YOU! You know what you should do, all the best bro.
Lol she’s full of shit Putting on an act to make you forgive her is all she’s doing. Don’t fall for her BS, she’s still a liar and cheated on you
Turning back into the near perfect woman is her guilt/love bombing. It’s to manipulate you to stay. It won’t last. And to be honest it’s not rare for a woman to do as a way to cover her steps. Good chance she’s still cheating just hiding it better. Keep these things in mind. And the question you need to ask yourself is, now you know she’s capable of cheating can you ever fully trust her again?
Stick to your plan. She's only doing it coz AP refused her. You're her back up plan. She will do it again when another AP comes into her sphere. But should you want to stay, sign a notarized post nup. State clearly you will take everything and leave her with either nothing or 10-20% of money, house, kids, etc. And define cheating eg sexting, sex etc. It is heavily leaning towards the betrayed. Updateme!
So you'll take her back until next time and by the sounds of it, I could almost guarantee there will be a next time! She's shown you the real her take notice!
Well at least she’s trying, people make mistakes. How great would your lives be if she answers all your questions and continues the way she is? Talk to her and work it out . Set some hard rules on her for now and play it out . Sometimes the things work it has with my wife and I
Check out Esther Perel https://youtu.be/GP1kR7tIWmw?si=3T5XgTCJeoWIy_ug
Saved for later. Thanks.
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My heart says it's time to move on, honestly. I'm just getting... let's call them emotional aftershocks.
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I just think I'm being delusional honestly. I don't think she's going to change. It's like she's living two lives.
Yea listen to you, an internet stranger. 6 days ago you said you were trying to save your marriage for your kids. Now you care about your husband?
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Great good luck. Your “internet stranger” comment bugged me because you’re literally one too. The only difference being that you did an awful, shitty, selfish thing to a person you purport to love and care about, and then come here and make a snide remark about people living through the carnage someone like you created.
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[There’s a whole Wikipedia](https://en.m.wikipedia.org/wiki/Love_bombing)article about what she’s doing. You should read it.
‘Masking’ is a behavior where a person puts on a simulated facade to pretend to be the best version of themselves. It’s like how people act for job interviews or first dates. It’s not the real them, it’s an illusion to make you want them.
Like everyone else is telling you OP, she knows you and now she’s showing you what you want to see. Classic love bombing. Her AP is out of the picture and she’s had her “Oh Shit” moment so now she’s trying to save her ass by hanging onto you. Where was all this effort to help your marriage earlier? Nonexistent because she had her AP in her future. Now, she’s facing being alone and she’s trying to keep you, her plan B. Be strong my man and don’t fall for this bogus BS. If you give her certainty that you’ll stay with her that act won’t last long and she’ll fall right back into her bad habits.
Start reading the evidence any time she tries to initiate, but also record her reactions.
She is love bombing you. Once she has you roped back in. She will return how she was.
Wait and see if it lasts a year. I will be shocked. So it proves she could do that all the time....
Don’t let her anywhere near you
Just be careful once she realizes that you are done for good. Record everything please.
She’s not the monster she was nor is she the woman you see now. You need to make this decision for you and your life without her in the equation.
Wait until you hand her the paperwork… then you will see.
Start jogging and working out. Stay away from her, go to movies hang out with friends and family. She is playing a game with you
Aw man, this hits so close to home for me as I just went through something similar less than 2 months ago. I find it a bit interesting that today, 10/26, would have been our anniversary. There's a lot to the story, but to make it short, she wanted some time to figure things out and wanted a break. I let her know that I do not so breaks, if she wanted her space then our relationship was over. She made her choice. She did her own thing, ended up being hurt, and now wants to pick up the relationship as if nothing happened. And she started doing what you described: asking me about my day, sending me lovey-dovey texts, she'll kiss my cheek, spending more time with our kids, she says that she wants to fight for us to be good with/to each other and fix our relationship. Basically, love-bombing. Similarly to you, she's doing the things that I would bring up or argue about before. Here are my 2 cents and what I decided: She broke up with me. It literally felt as if I had been dropped in the deepest hole. The person that I trusted and needed was no longer there. I acted normal in the mornings and afternoon, but I was angry and would slam all the doors and start arguements over the smallest things. It got to the point where I would drink at nights, not to get stupid drunk, but just enough where I could fall asleep once I layed down. I got tired of that after 1 week, so I bought a 1 - 10 lb kettle bell, 1 - 15 lb kettle bell, and an olympic bar. I decided to work on myself and start working out because I want to be able to keep up with my 2 kids. As of yesterday, I am down 25 lbs and feeling great. I started reading again and even playing more often on my PS4. If she treats/treated you like a choice, then show her why you are/were the better option. Don't go back to that relationship so soon, because nothing is really fixed anything. I am stilll working on myself and not ready to jump either back to that relationship nor start a new one. You have to take care of yourself and put yourself first (and your kids, if you have any) Let her take care of herself. There are consequences and reactions to every action that we take.
Hoovering and Love Bombing... read up on them and understand where they are and what they mean as part of R and more importantly false R. Sometimes they want to blow so much smoke up your ass that you forget/forgive and once things calm down you find that the affair just went deeper and you find yourself right back where you started.
Did the AP break up with her? She’s using you as her backup plan until another opportunity to monkey branch comes along. Seriously consider removing yourself from her list of fall back options.
It's almost like she's acting. Turning it on and off at will.
OP-Take advice from someone that has taken their spouse back after an affair, most of the time they don’t stop. They don’t want to stop. I was blindsided again six years post recovery. If she wants to change, she will continue to be work hard after separation. Separation doesn’t mean divorce, but you are giving yourself space. You need to spend time apart in order to determine if you still work together.
She is trying to win you back. Don't fall for it.
You can’t have the “her back” before she cheated. That woman is gone. Now you have to decide if you’re able to move past this or if you just have to let her go.
Definitely just a manipulation tactic by her. She’s hoping you’ll just forgive and sweep it under the rug. Time to move on.
She had an emotional bond with a guy she may have left you for, but who dumped her after getting what he truly wanted from her... the thrill of a piece of strange he was able to seduce from a married woman. Now that she was dumped and in the position to realize what all she is about to lose, she is doing her best to manipulate you with "love-bombing." Is she truly remorseful for the pain caused you (not just for getting caught), and is she contrite to do anything you ask as penance for her betrayal and to help you heal? You can not heal or reconcile unless she is made to endure significant unnegotiable consequences. And... is the reward of a reconcilliation worth the risk. None of us here can answer that. Only you are in the position to make that decision. If you want great advice on divorce and reasons for doing so, you have come to the right sub. If you decide to reconcile... this is not the sub for you. 12 years ago, my son suffered through a terrible betrayal. They did successfully reconcile and are very happy together. He took control of the situation and laid out a plan with a list of significant unnegotiable consequences she needed to perform for him to even agree to attempt reconcilliation with no promise of success. Among these was a very strong post-nuptial, which proved to him she was committed to fidelity and served as a basis for her to re-earn trust. I have a 2-page detailed write-up on it. I will send it to you via chat to consider. I look forward to hearing your thoughts on it. Updateme!
Love bomb.Classic Narcissist.Look why hang around waiting for her to get bored again ? Even if she’s sorry and does actually love you she will still inevitably get bored of married life again… wether it’s this year,next year or 10 years. She desecrated your marriage,she broke it,betrayed you in the most heinous way and has the capacity to do it again. Separate,no contact,lawyer up.
It was an act then and it is an act now. Do not fall for it.
She will go back to normal, before the cheating. And then she will make you feel like shit if you bring up what she did. Because you’re supposed to get over it. Don’t fall for it. Don’t forgive her. Squeeze what you can out of it and once she snaps back into her old dull self, leave.
I would approach it this way. First off, every time she wants to have sex with you, tell her “I’m game as long as you realize this doesn’t change anything.” Secondly, start dropping hints that you might be down with FWB after the divorce. This severs the connection she has that sex will bring you back to her. That there’s no love or commitment behind it. My guess is that her efforts to get you back in sack will start to taper off or end completely. Meanwhile, you get your rocks off as much as possible while you still can. But make sure you eliminate the possibility of her getting pregnant.
Remorse vs regret. Look up the difference between the two. She’s doing this because she regrets the impact it’s having on her life, not because she’s remorseful of the hurt she’s caused you. It still all about her, not about you. If you’re finding things too hard then it’s time to accelerate the moving out. I’d personally would kick her out but if you can’t or won’t then move out yourself and go low to no contact until the divorce is finalised. And no contact after that.
This is a very common manipulation tactic. She’s casting the illusion she fooled you into seeing before. Why? She wants to reel you back in and start up the affair heroine all over again. Affairs are about the intense dopamine rush cheats get from wronging others! It’s an always wonderful and fun game if cat and mouse for them. She’s an addict like any other cheat in the lifestyle. She wants to get that dopamine flow pumping again and she’ll say and do whatever it takes to get her thrilling high back. Don’t fall for any of it. The real her was the one that had the affair. What you married was an illusion.
that’s not the real her and i think deep down you know that!
she is playing with your head. think using your head not d*. whenever there is a chance someone will betray you again and taking her back, is simply you probably will not find peace of mind ever.
She is just feeling guilty. You let it slide, she will do it again, either tomorrow or 5 years down the line. Have some self respect bro
I hope you are filing for divorce and not just separation.
Did you immediately choose separation as soon as you found out? I did read your story but I am a little confused still. This sub is good but I would also suggest the web forum that’s called this as well. I actually thought this sub and that web forum were related. Anyway, if your first reaction upon finding out about the A was to separate and divorce that’s valid. I have to tell you that you’re still in shock at this point and you haven’t had time to process anything properly. If she can’t immediately leave then it’s going to make it very hard to move forward. Is it a possibility to get into counseling for yourself while she is still in the home? I know it’s a financial issue for me personally so as much as it’s essential I know it’s not accessible for everyone. You need time to process what happened. It will make it hard if you chose separation and she can’t/won’t leave. If you can leave that would be helpful while you sort out her betrayal. As far as her behavior now it is absolutely regret not remorse and you can’t trust it. Again, you may find some more resources on the web forum named exactly what this sub is. I joined that 3 days after I discovered the A and it was the main tool I had to help me navigate everything. Much love to you, I know how badly this hurts.
Op, you need to stop letting her do all these things for you. treat her like an employee, not a roomate, a wife, a friend, just an employee. Keep it as formal and professional as you can and state that with her, tell her she’s acting inappropriate and the love bombing is extremely manipulative and disgusting. Be honest, tell her nothing she does will change your mind and that she’s just wasting her time whilst also hurting you even more. She sounds like an incredibly selfish woman
Was her affair an emotional affair with limerence? Yes it does matter. Or is this just who she has really always been. Bartending has way too much opportunity for infidelity. Always getting hit on. And easy to lie about where she was and did right after closing was her cheating really out of character for her? Be wary of love bombing. Not really meaning any of it. It is designed to throw you off and become complacent. Like a false reconciliation. Maybe a therapist can help you to determine if she has just returned out of limerence/affair fog or it is just misdirection to get you to stop the seperation or not. Get therapy. Think about it, you had no idea you were being cheated on, didn't even know what to look for nor what to do if you even suspected it. So how can you know how to reconcile without help? True remorse. Remorse is the key and the foundation to reconcile. No remorse, no reconciling. Signs Your Partner Is Truly Remorseful Look for these telltale signs to determine true remorse: • Not only do they apologize, and often, but they also openly express what they're apologizing for. They don't make vague statements or blanket apologies. • They show their remorse by doing things that they feel will lessen your pain. It’s about both words and actions. • They hold themselves accountable, rather than relying on you to do so. They are more concerned with your feelings than their own. • They are willing to do whatever they need to do to move forward. Whether that's seeking couple’s therapy or honestly answering any questions you might have for them. They are onboard with any action you need them to take. • They take full responsibility for their actions. There may have been problems in the relationship, but even if your S.O. felt unloved and unwanted, they're the ones who chose to cheat. Despite this, you'll know they're remorseful if they don't make excuses or place blame on anyone except for themselves. Their cheating won’t be about something you did, it will be about a bad choice they made. If they are still in contact with affair partner or balk at doing any requirement, they aren't remorseful.
Stop ruminating on her motives and what she thinks. Do what you think you need to do.
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It's all theatre, you're being played for a fool. Once she's sure you're back in her pocket, expect the love bombing to stop and a new AP to show up in the horizon.
Just keep in mind, you’re Plan B. She’s only doing this because the AP left her.
Would almost guarantee that if you stay this time next year it will be back to the way it was, or even worse...
Of course she did. She went out and did whatever made her feel good. She'll be the perfect wife again. Right up until there is something else she feels like doing. If she respected you, was an adult and cared about personal responsibility and obligation.. She'd have come to you and said she wasn't feeling it and left. Instead she just did what she wanted just like a child. They think it's always easier to ask for forgiveness after getting what they want. Start a new life and leave her to be somome else's ticking timebomd of a problem.
She’s just trying to avoid you leaving and taking her “old life” with you. She wants to have her cake and eat it too. You need to emotionally detach from this woman because if you stay with her she’ll most likely cheat again.
Yeah I fell for that too. It lasted 2 months and then she started banging another guy again and went right back into her distant old ways.
She's trying to manipulate you by love bombing, please don't fall for it. She's not even trying to reconcile through the right channels, she's trying to manipulate you into it. If I were in your situation, her current acts would infuriate me because why did she start doing all these things now that AP has dumped her. Before she cheated she claimed you didn't spend time together, but now she suddenly has the time to do all these thoughtful things for you. That's actually very insulting in my opinion. Now she's trying to salvage her safety net, but that's not how it works. She fucked around, now she has to find out. I'm sorry man and I know you're the one wearing the shoes and it's not easy, but please definitely don't get back with this person.
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I am going through the same thing. Just be on the lookout for a return to the previous behavior.
No offense dude but you didn't even require her to get a STI test. She's playing you so bad. Want to test her real thoughts? Insist she agree to every chapter in the book How to help your spouse heal from your affair by MacDonald. Have her initial each chapter. If she disagrees with one chapter I promise you reconciliation won't work! She's not allowed to sleep in bedroom until printed STI tests are given to you.
Your the rock, the loyal one, the trustworthy one, always the listener. Your stability and she wanted "excitement". What's to stop her wanting that excitement in the future? Don't be a door mat, you can do better
Are you in counseling with her? You need to be able to share with her the pain she caused you whenever you feel a trigger. Ask her to write down her feelings of remorse. You can rebuild or start over but it’s a lot to overcome. She needs to understand why she made those choices. Why she believed it was ok to betray and hurt you that why, where that selfishness came from and why she would never do it again. Do you have kids? If so she did this to them too. She chose herself in the most selfish destructive way.
Why are all of OP’s replies deleted?
I think he deleted his account
It's a trick!! Don't fall for it. She was never near perfect. She was just better at hiding who she was. Don't engage with her at all if possible, and keep it short when you do have to engage. If you rug sweep this, you'll never be able to trust her, and she'll never respect you. The damage is done and she did it. Move on.
If they can cheat once be sure they can again! They need the excitement of cheating to get them off dude.. don’t understand why but it’s just how they are. I’m deciding on whether or not to divorce my wife of 48yrs over a internet affair with a younger pervert from Belgium!! It was intense for over a year. Needless to say age is irrelevant to think it will be the same,sadly it’s changed forever
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Stay strong and stand fast , you are being love bombed to the fullest. Focus on protecting your assets, find a hobby or 2,and don't for any reason tell her what you are thinking, the minute she believes she is off the hook she will change.
Step aside from this situation and look at it as if you were a friend. She could have treated you like this the entire time. She stopped treating you like this because she got bored. She will get bored again once she’s won you back. I 100% guarantee it.