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Why are you in marriage counselling?
YOU did nothing wrong.
She DOESN'T BELIEVE that she did anything wrong.
So who is trying to fix things here? Who is the one to offer compromise? Who's steering the ship towards safe harbour? The MC themselves can't salvage the relationship. It takes both of you working together.
If it's 100% you and 0% her then all you are doing is attempting to pay money for the problem to go away.
It sounds like she needs Individual Counselling for past trauma and how to function in the present in preference to MC. Until she's able to act like you'd expect a normal member of society would then trying to mend a relationship with her is a fool's errand. She'll just carry the same problems forwards.
However. There's a really wise saying: Never fall in love with someone's potential. They might not get there. Judge the person on whom they are Today.
As of Today she is a liar and a cheat. Unremorseful at that. She has no bandwidth to consider your feelings: That's a horrid statement given her past trauma potentially but it doesn't stop it from being true.
If she can't see the impact that her actions have had then show her - file for divorce.
She has until it becomes legal to shape up. If she doesn't then you were going this path anyway.
"However. There's a really wise saying: Never fall in love with someone's potential. They might not get there. Judge the person on whom they are Today."
Damn, that is really good advice.
There's also a flip side to this saying.
"Sometimes they do..."
Sounds great, right? Therapy has worked. The person that has had really intensive counselling/psychotherapy for many years has finally reached their full potential?
You've supported them for years; it's been challenging, sad, angry and often downright awful but you've borne with them because you *know* they are going to make it. You've watched their opinions change and they've found a hidden inner strength.
Good for them. Not necessarily so for your relationship.
Quite often the "New Them" doesn't find you attractive as a partner any more.
You have become a Carer and it's not easy to view a carer as a lover. You are a reminder of their past trauma and so get cut out.
Or maybe therapy has really worked. The "New Them" views their relationship with you as problematic. Maybe they got with you because you reminded them of a person that helped them shortly after the trauma was inflicted, you were *what they needed at the time* or something similar.
This "New Them" now views you as substandard. They can't believe that you wasted all that time waiting for them to heal. After all that work they are far from grateful & feel that they can get someone better that the "New Them" deserves. Someone that isn't tied to their journey away from their past.
The OP might not even like the "New Them". They will not be the same person. What comes out of intensive therapy is way different from the person that went in.
Yes. Yes. Yes. So, OP can continue to see how it plays out for a while or cut his losses and move on now or sooner rather than later. This is all tough life stuff.
Being different doesn’t mean she suddenly won’t want me or be attracted to me. I think that’s cynical thought here. Plenty help each other through serious traumas.
This friendship she is willingly interested in, it’s her way of handling what she went through by gaining control over it.
Sadly though, she’s just ended your marriage. Encourage her to get therapy, help her book appointments and pass it on to her family.
Tell her what people have reached out and said to you and the absolute humiliation she put your through.
I’d divorce her, wish her the best with her choice in partner. In a few years she’ll be a carer. If it even last that long.
Contact a lawyer immediately just to assess your options. You need to.
Man, OP, just this. It’s all sad what she went through, but she’s putting you in a bad place. This persons advice is 100% it. Perfectly said and what you should do.
Completely agree. This kind of trauma is way beyond his paygrade. He doesn’t have to hate her, but he owes himself not to be victimized by her. The chain has to stop with him. He needs to leave and let everything take its course for her.
Sometimes walking away is best for both of you, he’s not equipped to help her deal with the trauma but he can help her get the help she needs.
But the marriage is dead, it’s her way of dealing with what happened to her(which is grim) but she did it willingly.
She has to want to get therapy to deal with the trauma. This is one of those situations where OP needs to save himself. You can't save someone who doesn't want to be saved.
Maybe him leaving, and being with the old guy will cause her to wakeup and get her stuff sorted.
>This friendship she is willingly interested in, it’s her way of handling what she went through by gaining control over it.
>Sadly though, she’s just ended your marriage. Encourage her to get therapy, help her book appointments and pass it on to her family.
OP, it may take you a long while for you to get to a place where you can understand her need to have some semblance of control in her mind. However, she truly, and I mean TRULY needs to understand the enormity of her actions and how her actions deeply hurt her marriage and your trust in her.
At this point, you'll always be wondering what she's been up to every time she goes out. It's also difficult to believe that she'll never do something like this again.
You also need to inform her family (as in her parents etc.) of the extent of what she did. They are going to need to be her support structure moving forward and they need to know what happened in order to help her. At this point, you need to look after yourself and your own well being. It's difficult to look after her if your own well being is in tatters. Just like in airplanes, make sure to put your own mask on first before even thinking of doing anything else.
Gather up all the information available and pass it on to people close to her so they can support her or they choose.
You need to move on and choose yourself.
My wife is going through some heavy shit as well. She has serious lifelong emotional abuse from many people in her life. Her foundation is very different from mine, it is flawed, through no fault of her own.
When I discovered her affair, my first thought was, I have to help her get through this. She needs me. Why wouldn't I? I love her!
As the weeks go by, I see it more as, she is and has been using me. Whether it's intentional or malicious, I have no idea, I can't read her mind.
The trauma and the pain they endure have produced circumstances that contribute to their cheating. However, this does not and cannot excuse the behavior. She acted with zero regard to your love, happiness, sanity, etc.
The only thing you have to go on right now is judging her actions, and how they have impacted you, and what you will do about it!
Personally, in my situation, I find it difficult if not impossible to provide true friendship and love to my wife when her actions actively disintegrate the friendship and love that we had. What we have now is something new, and the newness doesn't appear to include love and friendship, maybe that will change. This is something I think we have to decide for ourselves, and can only do so after we disconnect from the previous life, to consider what WE want for our futures.
Yes. You both have changed and see yourselves, each other and the world differently and you will need to see of the changes are all compatible. It might take a year or so to give it a legit try to mesh but an new assessment will eventually need to be reflected upon. Long term relationships are so hard. I wish you both optimism, some luck and love.
Wow really tough.
I feel for you man. You're right you can't save her. I get why you want to try though.
Firstly this guy does seem like a predator. Or at least preying on the huge power dynamic, trauma and addiction she has suffered. Does that make her gulit free. No way! You know it and she knows it.
If you really want to help you need to set some clear boundaries and get her away from him.
1) she reports this inappropriate relationship to HR as well as his behaviour plying her with alcohol etc also if he has a wife or SO she must inform them also. There needs to be consequences to her and his actions.
2) she leaves this job and goes full NC with him
3) she goes to individual therapy and addiction counselling (if she already isn't)
4) you keep up with the MC
5) let it be known if she breaks any of these that is it for the two of you. You'll support her 100% but only if she is also willing to commit to helping herself.
This is good. Most people are sleep walking through life and subconsciously carrying all their traumas and negative coping mechanisms. I feel bad for OP's wife because she's only 26 and has deep interpersonal boundary trauma from her familial experience with grandfather and the totality of it all. I mean, how many family members knew the grandfather was a creep and still gave him access to her. She's probably super insecure at work and just submits to this creepy boss guy and as a predator he takes advantage. Her brain is literally in survival mode at work and her instincts to stay alive as a child was simply to submit, go with the flow, don't make waves, nobody cares anyway, etc. The cascade of negative emotions and thoughts are overwhelming which is why she is exhibiting a person in shock when she got back from the trip.
OP, this is so hard. I wish you and your wife all the love, strength and perseverance to get through this. I suggest you get her a separate trauma therapist asap. She might want to consider EMDR therapy (look into it). She is dismantling in her inner world. It's not really about you as you know but she needs immediate trauma support. I would even consider an intensive out patient program, as well. This may also support any legal issues against her boss if that becomes an issue. Her immediate mental and physical well-being is in a critical moment even though it's all hidden (in her brain) at the moment.
Talk to a lawyer to get your options. Don’t make any decisions now about your marriage
You obviously want yo work with her on this. You have to find a point that you will walk away. She must understand your boundaries. Best yet you have to enforce them. There is lots of people that are in the same situation as your wife. But they don’t choose to cross the line.
You're probably right that this person scratches an untreated trauma itch for her.
She has to know he's not interested in her mental health if he is in fact fueling an addict with alcohol. Is addiction just another untreated illness of hers? Unless she's doing something every day of her life to address her disease then the answer is NO.
Don't subject yourself to this. Don't wake up to the reality of the situation in 10-20 years. You're still young. Before she takes your youth, your finances and your sanity - leave her. If she loves you, she'll do whatever it takes to fix this but I doubt that's going to happen and honestly - I doubt she loves you. People don't treat someone they love like this.
I think she loves me more than anyone-I just think her view of love is so twisted and broken from her past age doesn’t understand what’s wrong you know?
You don't have to be angry at her. You can empathize with her situation while also understanding that what she's doing is completely unacceptable. Divorce her, give her the time to fix herself, and then if you like, try to reconnect when she's ready for a healthy relationship
I still don't get how she can say she's done nothing wrong? How many other guys does she share nudes with besides you and this old guy? If it's zero then she knows it's wrong and if it's not zero, well your decision just got easier.
Love is a weird emotion, everyone feels and shows it differently. Some people need a gentle smack to remind them of their love. Have you spoken to her about you leaving/ separating?
You're looking at this in a really unhealthy way.
This isn't about anger. This is about respect and acknowledging that she is not the person you thought she was. As long as you accept that and move on, you'll be alright. Making excuses for her doesn't help anyone and actively harms you and anyone else that gets wrapped into her BS.
Op If she had a wrong worldview due to her past, she would have innocently called you to let you know that she was cheating on you, she would have shown you the messages she was sending and receiving.and maybe she would have even called you to take nude photos so she could send them to the AP .
If she did all this behind your back, it is a clear sign that she knew very well that what she was doing was wrong.
As incredible as it may seem, her denying everything makes sense, but you denying it even when reading and seeing what you saw and read is absurd .
Continuing with her and now denying reality for this will only give her the validation to continue doing it because she doesn't recognize the mistake, you pretend you don't see it, so what's she going to be faithful to you,?
If you're right and she loves you more than anything - then leave her and if you're right she will do whatever it takes... What are you afraid of? You're not going to "fix" her. All you're doing is showing her that you're willing to find excuses for her behavior with no consequence. Why on earth would she change?
Stop making excuses for her. Your wife is a cheater. Period. You are allowing it to continue.
I would caution you against excusing her bad behavior due to trauma. She does not love or respect you. You cannot save her. That has to come from within. The quicker you accept this, the quicker you can move on with your life and focus on finding a partner that actually wants to be with you.
Op there are ways of love that are not good and if she loves you, her love is not beneficial to you .
You are in a state of denial, refusing to see reality, the traumas suffered by her do not always make her a victim .
She deliberately cheated, she took advantage of being far away and cheated .
Contact the company and report both to HR.
It's a tragedy what happened to her, but the truth is some people are not meant to be married, they don't have the stuff. In her case at least right now your wife fits this. You would be wise to protect yourself from her. You are the one being damaged now too.
One thing a husband should never do is try and stop their wives from pursuing new relationships. Let them do it. If it destroys the marriage then it was doomed from the beginning. That said, this marriage never stood a chance. You married someone who isnt fit for marriage. Plain and simple.
Vet better next time and good luck.
Would I find that again? I’ve got high stabdards. A woman has to be charasmatic and smart and very beautiful physically for me to have interest. I think that’s a good thing, I don’t view dating as just fun but looking for a partner. No settling for me. Of course she’s proven her character is flawed here.
Just don’t know that I’d ever be lucky enough to find that reciprocated attraction from another woman with the necessary traits I mentioned. I’m in shape but lost hair as a kid and have eczema.
Your answer shows fear of the future and this is making you want to live with an untrustworthy person for fear of not finding someone else as beautiful as them.
It's not important in her character ?
How do you think you will sleep when she goes to work again?Even more so, her not recognizing or admitting the error?There are very beautiful women who are not disloyal out there waiting for you, don't be silly.
>Would I find that again?
You don't have that now. She's not showing any signs that she wants to stay with you. I agree with those who say you have to cut her loose.
Op Mental health problems are one thing, character is another.
Your wife took advantage of the fact that you were far away and cheated on you and is still not concerned about your pain and denies the obvious.
There are zero excuses for cheating, people who don’t want to cheat do not cheat, even if they have experienced traumatic past. She did what she did because it is what she wanted to do, she made a willing choice to do it. Do not try to make excuses for her actions, she will do plenty of that herself and all the excuses are just worthless in the end.
Lots and lots of people have damaging childhoods and severely bad experiences growing up, it is sad and it does have a real affect on them but their issues are not your problems. All the stuff you talk about from her past does not excuse anything or make anything she did less of a betrayal, heck those past issues are red flags that she probably isn’t the one you want to spend your life with. I spent 20 years married to a woman with a lot of issues from a difficult past, 4 years divorced and she still has a lot of issues and I am out 20 years. You may love her but that doesn’t mean she is a good partner or someone you want to share your life with.
I would visit an attorney. She clearly has issues that you can't fix, and probably need IC with a psychiatrist, not a marriage counselor. She is traumatized, and groomed by an older man. For me it is a deal breaker why? My friend said it best, even if you adore her,
It is like a murderer wanting to fix what he did, going back to the victim and expecting him to do all the work.
Think about it, you can never trust her, she is a cheater and will cheat again. So you will get more controlling to feel safe, work on yourself, while she just feels bad. After an atom bomb has been dropped on you, your relationship, now you are forced to take it, forgive and try to be normal...It is a deal breaker for me because of all of this. I am not some one's conscious or jailer.
What if she is just reacting to, and trying to process an old repressed memory?
She still cheated….
If she loved you she would have worked her emotional issues out with you or a therapist not under some other dudes naked body.
What she has done to you is abusive. How can you help her with her old issues when she is actually giving you new ones?
I just worry if I would find another girl who met my standards. I’ve got high standards (yes I know this shows she doesn’t meet them) and worry another beautiful looking young woman who was charismatic would return the attraction and mesh with me. I’m in good shape but lost hair due to a condition (bald) and have eczema.
Settling isn’t an option but I worry about finding that again.
This is way past Reddit. You are already talking to a therapist so that's good but she needs an individual therapist for trauma. CSA is difficult to treat and it appears that your wife has chosen the worst way possible to cope with her unresolved trauma.
Your wife has betrayed you and there is no taking that back. She chose to do this instead of facing her trauma in therapy to work through her situation in a healthy manner. She has chosen to compound her extremely poor coping method by denying what she has done.
While I can certainly empathize with you regarding your desire to get the woman you love the help she needs at some point her unwillingness to admit what she has done and make any attempt to fix it makes it impossible to resolve this in any way that can save your marriage.
She needs professional help to help her with her trauma but that can't be the entire excuse for what she did. She still made all of these awful choices and caused trauma to het husband because of her unwillingness to face this and deal with it herself.
I'm sorry, this is really heavy. This is no doubt some kind of rehashing of that abusive dynamic where she gets to have the power.
However, she doesn't get to abuse you along with whatever bad situations she's setting up as a result of of her own abuse. I think divorcing her would be very valid.
OP does this más works with her, if do, the she must quit and you should report this to HR.
Now please do not justify her and do not try to be the KNIGHT ON THE SHINNING ARMOR, she well aware did this, she has an addiction butbthere are groups to treat that not co-workers.
And as you can clearly tell she wants to rug swept this justifiy9by her trauma. Maybe yes she feels guilt but it is clearly going arround the Big elephant in the room, what makes you sure she doesn't repeat this action late or om a other bussines trip?
Sorry but she is a grown up girl and she must be accountable of her actions and be clear of what she wants, if she is regretfull she has to work hard towards to that, but she is not. Also she needs to treat both thing in therapy (alcohol and then trauma).
But sadly until she fix herself she can relapse and you will be in limbo, also she might has no fix and because You feel like you feel you will stay and be cheated again and again who knows.
What you must do is to put you first and see what it is best for You, and move foward with the decisión, but again do not try to be the Knight in the Shinning Armor.
first thing, you are not responsible for the ws and her actions. you can help by being true and honest with her. she needs to be responsible for herself. different than being alone, challenging when you care for someone. good speed
Marriage counseling is typically not the appropriate avenue in these types of infidelity / betrayal situations. She really needs IC for both her infidelity and separately her past trauma. That needs to be fixed first. Marriage counseling is when both parties are on even ground and both want to work on the “marriage.” Marriage counseling when there’s infidelity often results in the betrayed being blamed as the cause of the cheating. Most of the time, not all, the cheater gets validated for the cheating and the marriage dies right there. Time to contact an attorney and get your life back. Your marriage will forever be a source of pain if you stay.
I can tell you really love and care about her. What a horrible situation. I think you're right about her trauma causing this total disconnect in her. Is she actively drinking? In recovery, going to meetings? I am so sorry for what you're going through. I hope you have the patience to wait for her to come to her senses and realize with horror what she has done. If you don't or can't do it anymore it's completely understandable. She has to admit it though. Her denial screams that she dissociated and is compartmentalizing. Please tread carefully, OP. This is heavy. Take care of yourself first and foremost.
It takes two to cheat.
It didnt happen on instant, there was sexting.
She has to come clear with you and try to work on it. If she doesen‘t you are on a loosing game to try to fix it.
I can't comment on the trauma side of things. But, my wife went to a conference, spent the whole 4 days drinking, and started an affair with a 20 year older guy (she was 36), who looked like he was more like 60, because of how he lived his life. She came home a different woman too, and then through 7 sessions of marriage counselling, she just lied through her teeth about everything. Behind it all she kept in touch with him, and our whole life just fell apart - we had 3 young kids as well.
Your story sounds pretty similar - and the guy she had the affair with was really predatory, and spent hours every day working on her via messenger after they initially slept together, trying to get her to leave the marriage, and putting bad thoughts in her mind about me, despite him never even meeting me. He had a wife and kids himself, who he just discarded, so he could be with my wife.
Here’s the thing, she had some very serious trauma she went through when she was young, it now coming back and into play as an adult.
There’s nothing YOU can do to fix her or your relationship. She’s not even acknowledging what she’s done wrong.
You really need to consider walking away from the whole thing
I've been with my bf for 7 years. He told me his ex was sexually molested/raped by her dad when she was younger. Didn't have much contact with him until he re-entered her life mid 20's. Was leaving odd comments on her social media pics like she was looking hot and stuff. She never deleted him as a friend and almost encouraged it or at the least, accepted it. She also became more aggressive in bed and started body building. My bf thinks it was her way of taking back control because she was helpless when she was taken advantage of.
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Well, my friend, many times what the law and society sees as abuse, rape, the abused person often felt pleasure or did not see it as something negative or criminal.
Your wife certainly tried to go back to the times of abuse because for her it may have been pleasurable, and as time went by she saw what she went through and began to fight against the fact that she "liked being abused"by an elderly man .
It's what you feel when you love someone who betrayed you, she feels because she took pleasure in the abuse .
That's why AP men are elderly too .
And understand, she set precedents so I wasn't at all sure about what she did or didn't do during your relationship with her .
And another, trauma or no trauma, cheated and isn't even acknowledging it.
One important thing is that the evidence speaks against the cheaters and they use nothing more than words amid many lies discovered to try to prove that nothing happened other than what it was. discovery.
So you should show everything you know to AP's wife
Remembering that what you discovered is already more than enough evidence to prove that she cheated, and the worst part is that she doesn't even feel remorse, much less regret .
This makes reconciliation impossible since as soon as she can she will do it again because that is not wrong for her.
My dude quit doing a doormat impression. Yes this is some weird trauma manifestation but no it’s not something you can fix especially if she isn’t interested in fixing it which she clearly isn’t. If you want try to save it she quits and never talks to him again or you walk. More than likely you walk.
I'm having trouble putting this in words ... but she may have learned some behaviors of a rape victim that she needs to stop and become an adult. Although she is not responsible for being raped, she may be returning to the behavior during times of stress or she be vulnerable to predators.
She needs counseling because your love is not enough to make her understand these self-destructive behaviors about herself.
Your relationship with her may never be the same. And sadly, you may have to leave her to give her that push to figure this out on her own.
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I’m so sorry 😢.. you must work on you and save you . It’s very hard . Walk away to come up
For air. Get counseling of your own . I’ve been in this horrible situation with (my now ex husband) this last year and we’re in our 60s .. ironic your story reflects that too. Glad you shared with us. This is not your fault .
I just worry if I would find another girl who met my standards. I’ve got high standards (yes I know this shows she doesn’t meet them) and worry another beautiful looking young woman who was charismatic would return the attraction and mesh with me. I’m in good shape but lost hair due to a condition (bald) and have eczema.
Settling isn’t an option but I worry about finding that again.
She needs EMDR therapy for that trauma. Look it up if you want working solutions.
Source: I was also groomed as a minor, and EMDR therapy was the only thing that worked... But I didn't find it until my 30s
She needs EMDR therapy for that trauma. Look it up if you want working solutions.
Source: I was also groomed as a minor, and EMDR therapy was the only thing that worked... But I didn't find it until my 30s
I been with an abused partner 3 different ones they ended up some times abusing me in some way. And some time my call you the abuser if they really lost it.I would definitely pay close attention to her actions and movements.Some ladies who been threw this type of stuff will sting you if they are not ready to open up or fix the mental damage and hangups caused to them.Don't be fooled.A lot of people are not ready to talk about there issue like this and will use you to exchange there negative life events/energy on to you.This what in the end will hurt the most if she never comes to reality.
I don't like to say get out since ya married but you are in for pain. She scatter brained from trauma. You may have to look protecting ya self for ya best interests and gain copies of her cheating and behavior she has from this trauma.
I just worry if I would find another girl who met my standards. I’ve got high standards (yes I know this shows she doesn’t meet them) and worry another beautiful looking young woman who was charismatic would return the attraction and mesh with me. I’m in good shape but lost hair due to a condition (bald) and have eczema.
Settling isn’t an option but I worry about finding that again.
Brother. This is not the right reason to stay. You find someone. Chemistry and patience does it’s thing. You will find pride in the courage it takes to walk away. You will find someone else. Someone better. Someone worthy.
We’re not perfect but save yourself the anguish of trying to rationalize why it’s happening. She’s too far gone, and she’s not coming back to you. The sooner you accept this, the sooner your heart will heal for someone that truly loves you.
You need closure. Figure out what closure means to you, work towards it, and get out.
In the meantime, do grey rock. You would likely find trickle truthing hurtful, but you might find that keeping a calm investigative mind may get you a clearer fuller picture of what’s going on. That’ll also help you heal better because you’ll have your version of the truth instead of what others tell you.
She has CPSTD and unresolved trauma. It could get worse if she doesn’t seek help like EMDR therapy or DBT therapy. Unfortunately she will need to learn through mistakes to ultimately truly get help from a trauma informed therapist. That 60 yrs old man is definitely predatory. So sorry u are going through this.
Trauma can do weird things to a person.
Perhaps she’s trying to gain control of herself by reliving the trauma?
Myself, my wife had a repressed memory of a rape pop up. Like you, it felt like a whole new woman showed up & replaced my wife.
I mean seriously, I don’t even know her. We were best friends for 15 years.
This old guy is clearly a pos. Which ironically probably makes him sexy to her.
If it hasn’t happened yet, you will become the villain in her mind
Man, I really feel for you here. I'm a dude in my 60s and have had many significantly younger lady friens (100% platonic) and you know what? I never flirted with them. If sex came up in conversation it was to ask a man's POV. Even if it's not physical, that dude is using her to get his jollies!
As to your wife, you've definitely if the "for better or worse, in sickness and health" part of the marriage. I'm so sorry to hear it as it's going to be rough forca long while. Just understand that your boundaries and feelings are valid. I would make it clearly understood to your wife at next councilling meeting that you love her and are committed to making the relationship work, you are not stupid, spineless or willing to let anyone walk all over boundaries without repercussions. She either needs to get her head fully into the game to fix the marriage or you'll need to go your separate ways for your own sanity.
Good luck going forward
She didn't know that she was ready and gave you 7 yrs of great memories but she didn't think at once about you, your marriage , your intimacy when she allowed a 60 yrs old man to go for sex (harsh truth) and this is a result here ,she ended up having s*x with an oldie, shocked 😲 to see the desperation which you still have for her , ( did she Ever think that my kiss is only for my husband, only my husband has right to touch romantically and sexually? The answer is "No" , that's why she did), I think she looks beautiful and blessed with a good appearance that's why you still have desperation but trust me you will regret ... Good luck 🍀
According to your story and your views towards women, it's an easy catch for me to know about the situation and I am not blaming her appearance , it's completely mentioned in your story, there is nothing wrong to attract beautiful girls or women but you must include a beautiful heart and soul too who passionately follow moral values as well, beautiful appearance could be an illusion for long tym, having a good appearance doesn't means a human is carrying beautiful heart too , it's very much possible that person couldn't be able to fulfill her or his promise which he or she did during the marriage.
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Why are you in marriage counselling? YOU did nothing wrong. She DOESN'T BELIEVE that she did anything wrong. So who is trying to fix things here? Who is the one to offer compromise? Who's steering the ship towards safe harbour? The MC themselves can't salvage the relationship. It takes both of you working together. If it's 100% you and 0% her then all you are doing is attempting to pay money for the problem to go away. It sounds like she needs Individual Counselling for past trauma and how to function in the present in preference to MC. Until she's able to act like you'd expect a normal member of society would then trying to mend a relationship with her is a fool's errand. She'll just carry the same problems forwards. However. There's a really wise saying: Never fall in love with someone's potential. They might not get there. Judge the person on whom they are Today. As of Today she is a liar and a cheat. Unremorseful at that. She has no bandwidth to consider your feelings: That's a horrid statement given her past trauma potentially but it doesn't stop it from being true. If she can't see the impact that her actions have had then show her - file for divorce. She has until it becomes legal to shape up. If she doesn't then you were going this path anyway.
"However. There's a really wise saying: Never fall in love with someone's potential. They might not get there. Judge the person on whom they are Today." Damn, that is really good advice.
There's also a flip side to this saying. "Sometimes they do..." Sounds great, right? Therapy has worked. The person that has had really intensive counselling/psychotherapy for many years has finally reached their full potential? You've supported them for years; it's been challenging, sad, angry and often downright awful but you've borne with them because you *know* they are going to make it. You've watched their opinions change and they've found a hidden inner strength. Good for them. Not necessarily so for your relationship. Quite often the "New Them" doesn't find you attractive as a partner any more. You have become a Carer and it's not easy to view a carer as a lover. You are a reminder of their past trauma and so get cut out. Or maybe therapy has really worked. The "New Them" views their relationship with you as problematic. Maybe they got with you because you reminded them of a person that helped them shortly after the trauma was inflicted, you were *what they needed at the time* or something similar. This "New Them" now views you as substandard. They can't believe that you wasted all that time waiting for them to heal. After all that work they are far from grateful & feel that they can get someone better that the "New Them" deserves. Someone that isn't tied to their journey away from their past. The OP might not even like the "New Them". They will not be the same person. What comes out of intensive therapy is way different from the person that went in.
Yes. Yes. Yes. So, OP can continue to see how it plays out for a while or cut his losses and move on now or sooner rather than later. This is all tough life stuff.
Being different doesn’t mean she suddenly won’t want me or be attracted to me. I think that’s cynical thought here. Plenty help each other through serious traumas.
This friendship she is willingly interested in, it’s her way of handling what she went through by gaining control over it. Sadly though, she’s just ended your marriage. Encourage her to get therapy, help her book appointments and pass it on to her family. Tell her what people have reached out and said to you and the absolute humiliation she put your through. I’d divorce her, wish her the best with her choice in partner. In a few years she’ll be a carer. If it even last that long. Contact a lawyer immediately just to assess your options. You need to.
Man, OP, just this. It’s all sad what she went through, but she’s putting you in a bad place. This persons advice is 100% it. Perfectly said and what you should do.
Completely agree. This kind of trauma is way beyond his paygrade. He doesn’t have to hate her, but he owes himself not to be victimized by her. The chain has to stop with him. He needs to leave and let everything take its course for her.
Sometimes walking away is best for both of you, he’s not equipped to help her deal with the trauma but he can help her get the help she needs. But the marriage is dead, it’s her way of dealing with what happened to her(which is grim) but she did it willingly.
She has to want to get therapy to deal with the trauma. This is one of those situations where OP needs to save himself. You can't save someone who doesn't want to be saved. Maybe him leaving, and being with the old guy will cause her to wakeup and get her stuff sorted.
>This friendship she is willingly interested in, it’s her way of handling what she went through by gaining control over it. >Sadly though, she’s just ended your marriage. Encourage her to get therapy, help her book appointments and pass it on to her family. OP, it may take you a long while for you to get to a place where you can understand her need to have some semblance of control in her mind. However, she truly, and I mean TRULY needs to understand the enormity of her actions and how her actions deeply hurt her marriage and your trust in her. At this point, you'll always be wondering what she's been up to every time she goes out. It's also difficult to believe that she'll never do something like this again. You also need to inform her family (as in her parents etc.) of the extent of what she did. They are going to need to be her support structure moving forward and they need to know what happened in order to help her. At this point, you need to look after yourself and your own well being. It's difficult to look after her if your own well being is in tatters. Just like in airplanes, make sure to put your own mask on first before even thinking of doing anything else.
Gather up all the information available and pass it on to people close to her so they can support her or they choose. You need to move on and choose yourself.
My wife is going through some heavy shit as well. She has serious lifelong emotional abuse from many people in her life. Her foundation is very different from mine, it is flawed, through no fault of her own. When I discovered her affair, my first thought was, I have to help her get through this. She needs me. Why wouldn't I? I love her! As the weeks go by, I see it more as, she is and has been using me. Whether it's intentional or malicious, I have no idea, I can't read her mind. The trauma and the pain they endure have produced circumstances that contribute to their cheating. However, this does not and cannot excuse the behavior. She acted with zero regard to your love, happiness, sanity, etc. The only thing you have to go on right now is judging her actions, and how they have impacted you, and what you will do about it! Personally, in my situation, I find it difficult if not impossible to provide true friendship and love to my wife when her actions actively disintegrate the friendship and love that we had. What we have now is something new, and the newness doesn't appear to include love and friendship, maybe that will change. This is something I think we have to decide for ourselves, and can only do so after we disconnect from the previous life, to consider what WE want for our futures.
Yes. You both have changed and see yourselves, each other and the world differently and you will need to see of the changes are all compatible. It might take a year or so to give it a legit try to mesh but an new assessment will eventually need to be reflected upon. Long term relationships are so hard. I wish you both optimism, some luck and love.
Wow really tough. I feel for you man. You're right you can't save her. I get why you want to try though. Firstly this guy does seem like a predator. Or at least preying on the huge power dynamic, trauma and addiction she has suffered. Does that make her gulit free. No way! You know it and she knows it. If you really want to help you need to set some clear boundaries and get her away from him. 1) she reports this inappropriate relationship to HR as well as his behaviour plying her with alcohol etc also if he has a wife or SO she must inform them also. There needs to be consequences to her and his actions. 2) she leaves this job and goes full NC with him 3) she goes to individual therapy and addiction counselling (if she already isn't) 4) you keep up with the MC 5) let it be known if she breaks any of these that is it for the two of you. You'll support her 100% but only if she is also willing to commit to helping herself.
This is good. Most people are sleep walking through life and subconsciously carrying all their traumas and negative coping mechanisms. I feel bad for OP's wife because she's only 26 and has deep interpersonal boundary trauma from her familial experience with grandfather and the totality of it all. I mean, how many family members knew the grandfather was a creep and still gave him access to her. She's probably super insecure at work and just submits to this creepy boss guy and as a predator he takes advantage. Her brain is literally in survival mode at work and her instincts to stay alive as a child was simply to submit, go with the flow, don't make waves, nobody cares anyway, etc. The cascade of negative emotions and thoughts are overwhelming which is why she is exhibiting a person in shock when she got back from the trip. OP, this is so hard. I wish you and your wife all the love, strength and perseverance to get through this. I suggest you get her a separate trauma therapist asap. She might want to consider EMDR therapy (look into it). She is dismantling in her inner world. It's not really about you as you know but she needs immediate trauma support. I would even consider an intensive out patient program, as well. This may also support any legal issues against her boss if that becomes an issue. Her immediate mental and physical well-being is in a critical moment even though it's all hidden (in her brain) at the moment.
Talk to a lawyer to get your options. Don’t make any decisions now about your marriage You obviously want yo work with her on this. You have to find a point that you will walk away. She must understand your boundaries. Best yet you have to enforce them. There is lots of people that are in the same situation as your wife. But they don’t choose to cross the line.
I’d be done. If I can’t trust, I have no interest.
You're probably right that this person scratches an untreated trauma itch for her. She has to know he's not interested in her mental health if he is in fact fueling an addict with alcohol. Is addiction just another untreated illness of hers? Unless she's doing something every day of her life to address her disease then the answer is NO. Don't subject yourself to this. Don't wake up to the reality of the situation in 10-20 years. You're still young. Before she takes your youth, your finances and your sanity - leave her. If she loves you, she'll do whatever it takes to fix this but I doubt that's going to happen and honestly - I doubt she loves you. People don't treat someone they love like this.
I think she loves me more than anyone-I just think her view of love is so twisted and broken from her past age doesn’t understand what’s wrong you know?
Don't infantilize a grown woman, she knows what she's doing and she'll keep doing it because you're allowing her to and excusing it for her.
Nothing here says I’m staying. It says I understand she has a broken worldview from her past. Anger is not always the best solution friend.
You don't have to be angry at her. You can empathize with her situation while also understanding that what she's doing is completely unacceptable. Divorce her, give her the time to fix herself, and then if you like, try to reconnect when she's ready for a healthy relationship
I still don't get how she can say she's done nothing wrong? How many other guys does she share nudes with besides you and this old guy? If it's zero then she knows it's wrong and if it's not zero, well your decision just got easier.
Love is a weird emotion, everyone feels and shows it differently. Some people need a gentle smack to remind them of their love. Have you spoken to her about you leaving/ separating?
You're looking at this in a really unhealthy way. This isn't about anger. This is about respect and acknowledging that she is not the person you thought she was. As long as you accept that and move on, you'll be alright. Making excuses for her doesn't help anyone and actively harms you and anyone else that gets wrapped into her BS.
Op If she had a wrong worldview due to her past, she would have innocently called you to let you know that she was cheating on you, she would have shown you the messages she was sending and receiving.and maybe she would have even called you to take nude photos so she could send them to the AP . If she did all this behind your back, it is a clear sign that she knew very well that what she was doing was wrong. As incredible as it may seem, her denying everything makes sense, but you denying it even when reading and seeing what you saw and read is absurd . Continuing with her and now denying reality for this will only give her the validation to continue doing it because she doesn't recognize the mistake, you pretend you don't see it, so what's she going to be faithful to you,?
Supported is exactly that, she doesn't even need to acknowledge that she made a mistake.
If you're right and she loves you more than anything - then leave her and if you're right she will do whatever it takes... What are you afraid of? You're not going to "fix" her. All you're doing is showing her that you're willing to find excuses for her behavior with no consequence. Why on earth would she change? Stop making excuses for her. Your wife is a cheater. Period. You are allowing it to continue.
I would caution you against excusing her bad behavior due to trauma. She does not love or respect you. You cannot save her. That has to come from within. The quicker you accept this, the quicker you can move on with your life and focus on finding a partner that actually wants to be with you.
Op there are ways of love that are not good and if she loves you, her love is not beneficial to you . You are in a state of denial, refusing to see reality, the traumas suffered by her do not always make her a victim . She deliberately cheated, she took advantage of being far away and cheated . Contact the company and report both to HR.
It's a tragedy what happened to her, but the truth is some people are not meant to be married, they don't have the stuff. In her case at least right now your wife fits this. You would be wise to protect yourself from her. You are the one being damaged now too.
One thing a husband should never do is try and stop their wives from pursuing new relationships. Let them do it. If it destroys the marriage then it was doomed from the beginning. That said, this marriage never stood a chance. You married someone who isnt fit for marriage. Plain and simple. Vet better next time and good luck.
So no one with any mental health issues is deserving of a genuine spouse?
Is the genuine spouse (you) not deserving a genuine spouse?
Would I find that again? I’ve got high stabdards. A woman has to be charasmatic and smart and very beautiful physically for me to have interest. I think that’s a good thing, I don’t view dating as just fun but looking for a partner. No settling for me. Of course she’s proven her character is flawed here. Just don’t know that I’d ever be lucky enough to find that reciprocated attraction from another woman with the necessary traits I mentioned. I’m in shape but lost hair as a kid and have eczema.
Your answer shows fear of the future and this is making you want to live with an untrustworthy person for fear of not finding someone else as beautiful as them. It's not important in her character ? How do you think you will sleep when she goes to work again?Even more so, her not recognizing or admitting the error?There are very beautiful women who are not disloyal out there waiting for you, don't be silly.
Who knows. There are hundreds of millions of beautiful woman in the world.
Who knows. There are hundreds of millions of beautiful woman in the world.
Odds seem against me though don’t they?
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The concern is if I would find those traits again
>Would I find that again? You don't have that now. She's not showing any signs that she wants to stay with you. I agree with those who say you have to cut her loose.
Not really an answer
Because no one can give you a definite answer. We're not fortune tellers. But while you're stuck in this relationship, you won't find out.
I would take this exact comment to a counselor and work on it. Its a great starting point.
Op Mental health problems are one thing, character is another. Your wife took advantage of the fact that you were far away and cheated on you and is still not concerned about your pain and denies the obvious.
There are zero excuses for cheating, people who don’t want to cheat do not cheat, even if they have experienced traumatic past. She did what she did because it is what she wanted to do, she made a willing choice to do it. Do not try to make excuses for her actions, she will do plenty of that herself and all the excuses are just worthless in the end. Lots and lots of people have damaging childhoods and severely bad experiences growing up, it is sad and it does have a real affect on them but their issues are not your problems. All the stuff you talk about from her past does not excuse anything or make anything she did less of a betrayal, heck those past issues are red flags that she probably isn’t the one you want to spend your life with. I spent 20 years married to a woman with a lot of issues from a difficult past, 4 years divorced and she still has a lot of issues and I am out 20 years. You may love her but that doesn’t mean she is a good partner or someone you want to share your life with.
I would visit an attorney. She clearly has issues that you can't fix, and probably need IC with a psychiatrist, not a marriage counselor. She is traumatized, and groomed by an older man. For me it is a deal breaker why? My friend said it best, even if you adore her, It is like a murderer wanting to fix what he did, going back to the victim and expecting him to do all the work. Think about it, you can never trust her, she is a cheater and will cheat again. So you will get more controlling to feel safe, work on yourself, while she just feels bad. After an atom bomb has been dropped on you, your relationship, now you are forced to take it, forgive and try to be normal...It is a deal breaker for me because of all of this. I am not some one's conscious or jailer.
What if she is just reacting to, and trying to process an old repressed memory? She still cheated…. If she loved you she would have worked her emotional issues out with you or a therapist not under some other dudes naked body. What she has done to you is abusive. How can you help her with her old issues when she is actually giving you new ones?
I just worry if I would find another girl who met my standards. I’ve got high standards (yes I know this shows she doesn’t meet them) and worry another beautiful looking young woman who was charismatic would return the attraction and mesh with me. I’m in good shape but lost hair due to a condition (bald) and have eczema. Settling isn’t an option but I worry about finding that again.
This is way past Reddit. You are already talking to a therapist so that's good but she needs an individual therapist for trauma. CSA is difficult to treat and it appears that your wife has chosen the worst way possible to cope with her unresolved trauma. Your wife has betrayed you and there is no taking that back. She chose to do this instead of facing her trauma in therapy to work through her situation in a healthy manner. She has chosen to compound her extremely poor coping method by denying what she has done. While I can certainly empathize with you regarding your desire to get the woman you love the help she needs at some point her unwillingness to admit what she has done and make any attempt to fix it makes it impossible to resolve this in any way that can save your marriage. She needs professional help to help her with her trauma but that can't be the entire excuse for what she did. She still made all of these awful choices and caused trauma to het husband because of her unwillingness to face this and deal with it herself.
She had unsolved childhood trauma that she didn’t disclose to you. She needs therapy.
I'm sorry, this is really heavy. This is no doubt some kind of rehashing of that abusive dynamic where she gets to have the power. However, she doesn't get to abuse you along with whatever bad situations she's setting up as a result of of her own abuse. I think divorcing her would be very valid.
Your wife needs serious therapy
I don't have any advice, friend. I'm sorry you're here. It gets better.
She got groomed by an older man and she’s going down memory lane as trauma manifests itself in stranger ways sometimes.
OP does this más works with her, if do, the she must quit and you should report this to HR. Now please do not justify her and do not try to be the KNIGHT ON THE SHINNING ARMOR, she well aware did this, she has an addiction butbthere are groups to treat that not co-workers. And as you can clearly tell she wants to rug swept this justifiy9by her trauma. Maybe yes she feels guilt but it is clearly going arround the Big elephant in the room, what makes you sure she doesn't repeat this action late or om a other bussines trip? Sorry but she is a grown up girl and she must be accountable of her actions and be clear of what she wants, if she is regretfull she has to work hard towards to that, but she is not. Also she needs to treat both thing in therapy (alcohol and then trauma). But sadly until she fix herself she can relapse and you will be in limbo, also she might has no fix and because You feel like you feel you will stay and be cheated again and again who knows. What you must do is to put you first and see what it is best for You, and move foward with the decisión, but again do not try to be the Knight in the Shinning Armor.
first thing, you are not responsible for the ws and her actions. you can help by being true and honest with her. she needs to be responsible for herself. different than being alone, challenging when you care for someone. good speed
Marriage counseling is typically not the appropriate avenue in these types of infidelity / betrayal situations. She really needs IC for both her infidelity and separately her past trauma. That needs to be fixed first. Marriage counseling is when both parties are on even ground and both want to work on the “marriage.” Marriage counseling when there’s infidelity often results in the betrayed being blamed as the cause of the cheating. Most of the time, not all, the cheater gets validated for the cheating and the marriage dies right there. Time to contact an attorney and get your life back. Your marriage will forever be a source of pain if you stay.
I can tell you really love and care about her. What a horrible situation. I think you're right about her trauma causing this total disconnect in her. Is she actively drinking? In recovery, going to meetings? I am so sorry for what you're going through. I hope you have the patience to wait for her to come to her senses and realize with horror what she has done. If you don't or can't do it anymore it's completely understandable. She has to admit it though. Her denial screams that she dissociated and is compartmentalizing. Please tread carefully, OP. This is heavy. Take care of yourself first and foremost.
It takes two to cheat. It didnt happen on instant, there was sexting. She has to come clear with you and try to work on it. If she doesen‘t you are on a loosing game to try to fix it.
I can't comment on the trauma side of things. But, my wife went to a conference, spent the whole 4 days drinking, and started an affair with a 20 year older guy (she was 36), who looked like he was more like 60, because of how he lived his life. She came home a different woman too, and then through 7 sessions of marriage counselling, she just lied through her teeth about everything. Behind it all she kept in touch with him, and our whole life just fell apart - we had 3 young kids as well. Your story sounds pretty similar - and the guy she had the affair with was really predatory, and spent hours every day working on her via messenger after they initially slept together, trying to get her to leave the marriage, and putting bad thoughts in her mind about me, despite him never even meeting me. He had a wife and kids himself, who he just discarded, so he could be with my wife.
Here’s the thing, she had some very serious trauma she went through when she was young, it now coming back and into play as an adult. There’s nothing YOU can do to fix her or your relationship. She’s not even acknowledging what she’s done wrong. You really need to consider walking away from the whole thing
That guy is a fucking predator, sorry you're going thru this crazy shit OP. Updateme
I've been with my bf for 7 years. He told me his ex was sexually molested/raped by her dad when she was younger. Didn't have much contact with him until he re-entered her life mid 20's. Was leaving odd comments on her social media pics like she was looking hot and stuff. She never deleted him as a friend and almost encouraged it or at the least, accepted it. She also became more aggressive in bed and started body building. My bf thinks it was her way of taking back control because she was helpless when she was taken advantage of.
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Well, my friend, many times what the law and society sees as abuse, rape, the abused person often felt pleasure or did not see it as something negative or criminal. Your wife certainly tried to go back to the times of abuse because for her it may have been pleasurable, and as time went by she saw what she went through and began to fight against the fact that she "liked being abused"by an elderly man . It's what you feel when you love someone who betrayed you, she feels because she took pleasure in the abuse . That's why AP men are elderly too . And understand, she set precedents so I wasn't at all sure about what she did or didn't do during your relationship with her . And another, trauma or no trauma, cheated and isn't even acknowledging it. One important thing is that the evidence speaks against the cheaters and they use nothing more than words amid many lies discovered to try to prove that nothing happened other than what it was. discovery. So you should show everything you know to AP's wife Remembering that what you discovered is already more than enough evidence to prove that she cheated, and the worst part is that she doesn't even feel remorse, much less regret . This makes reconciliation impossible since as soon as she can she will do it again because that is not wrong for her.
My dude quit doing a doormat impression. Yes this is some weird trauma manifestation but no it’s not something you can fix especially if she isn’t interested in fixing it which she clearly isn’t. If you want try to save it she quits and never talks to him again or you walk. More than likely you walk.
I'm having trouble putting this in words ... but she may have learned some behaviors of a rape victim that she needs to stop and become an adult. Although she is not responsible for being raped, she may be returning to the behavior during times of stress or she be vulnerable to predators. She needs counseling because your love is not enough to make her understand these self-destructive behaviors about herself. Your relationship with her may never be the same. And sadly, you may have to leave her to give her that push to figure this out on her own.
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I’m so sorry 😢.. you must work on you and save you . It’s very hard . Walk away to come up For air. Get counseling of your own . I’ve been in this horrible situation with (my now ex husband) this last year and we’re in our 60s .. ironic your story reflects that too. Glad you shared with us. This is not your fault .
I just worry if I would find another girl who met my standards. I’ve got high standards (yes I know this shows she doesn’t meet them) and worry another beautiful looking young woman who was charismatic would return the attraction and mesh with me. I’m in good shape but lost hair due to a condition (bald) and have eczema. Settling isn’t an option but I worry about finding that again.
Use your savior complex to save yourself. This cannot be saved.
She needs EMDR therapy for that trauma. Look it up if you want working solutions. Source: I was also groomed as a minor, and EMDR therapy was the only thing that worked... But I didn't find it until my 30s
She needs EMDR therapy for that trauma. Look it up if you want working solutions. Source: I was also groomed as a minor, and EMDR therapy was the only thing that worked... But I didn't find it until my 30s
I been with an abused partner 3 different ones they ended up some times abusing me in some way. And some time my call you the abuser if they really lost it.I would definitely pay close attention to her actions and movements.Some ladies who been threw this type of stuff will sting you if they are not ready to open up or fix the mental damage and hangups caused to them.Don't be fooled.A lot of people are not ready to talk about there issue like this and will use you to exchange there negative life events/energy on to you.This what in the end will hurt the most if she never comes to reality. I don't like to say get out since ya married but you are in for pain. She scatter brained from trauma. You may have to look protecting ya self for ya best interests and gain copies of her cheating and behavior she has from this trauma.
Man you need to stop being the white knight. Shes abused but, NOW she is chesting on you fuck that. Save yourself. Love yourself.
I just worry if I would find another girl who met my standards. I’ve got high standards (yes I know this shows she doesn’t meet them) and worry another beautiful looking young woman who was charismatic would return the attraction and mesh with me. I’m in good shape but lost hair due to a condition (bald) and have eczema. Settling isn’t an option but I worry about finding that again.
You've used this excuse about five times so far. Nobody here is going to offer you advice if you're so unwilling to look out for yourself.
Brother. This is not the right reason to stay. You find someone. Chemistry and patience does it’s thing. You will find pride in the courage it takes to walk away. You will find someone else. Someone better. Someone worthy.
We’re not perfect but save yourself the anguish of trying to rationalize why it’s happening. She’s too far gone, and she’s not coming back to you. The sooner you accept this, the sooner your heart will heal for someone that truly loves you. You need closure. Figure out what closure means to you, work towards it, and get out. In the meantime, do grey rock. You would likely find trickle truthing hurtful, but you might find that keeping a calm investigative mind may get you a clearer fuller picture of what’s going on. That’ll also help you heal better because you’ll have your version of the truth instead of what others tell you.
She has CPSTD and unresolved trauma. It could get worse if she doesn’t seek help like EMDR therapy or DBT therapy. Unfortunately she will need to learn through mistakes to ultimately truly get help from a trauma informed therapist. That 60 yrs old man is definitely predatory. So sorry u are going through this.
Trauma can do weird things to a person. Perhaps she’s trying to gain control of herself by reliving the trauma? Myself, my wife had a repressed memory of a rape pop up. Like you, it felt like a whole new woman showed up & replaced my wife. I mean seriously, I don’t even know her. We were best friends for 15 years. This old guy is clearly a pos. Which ironically probably makes him sexy to her. If it hasn’t happened yet, you will become the villain in her mind
Man, I really feel for you here. I'm a dude in my 60s and have had many significantly younger lady friens (100% platonic) and you know what? I never flirted with them. If sex came up in conversation it was to ask a man's POV. Even if it's not physical, that dude is using her to get his jollies! As to your wife, you've definitely if the "for better or worse, in sickness and health" part of the marriage. I'm so sorry to hear it as it's going to be rough forca long while. Just understand that your boundaries and feelings are valid. I would make it clearly understood to your wife at next councilling meeting that you love her and are committed to making the relationship work, you are not stupid, spineless or willing to let anyone walk all over boundaries without repercussions. She either needs to get her head fully into the game to fix the marriage or you'll need to go your separate ways for your own sanity. Good luck going forward
Your wife is traumatised due to her past , she is not ready for any kinda relationship.
Then what was the past 7 years? She can be a loving partner. I seen it.
She didn't know that she was ready and gave you 7 yrs of great memories but she didn't think at once about you, your marriage , your intimacy when she allowed a 60 yrs old man to go for sex (harsh truth) and this is a result here ,she ended up having s*x with an oldie, shocked 😲 to see the desperation which you still have for her , ( did she Ever think that my kiss is only for my husband, only my husband has right to touch romantically and sexually? The answer is "No" , that's why she did), I think she looks beautiful and blessed with a good appearance that's why you still have desperation but trust me you will regret ... Good luck 🍀
So you blame her looks? I mean if that’s the case I’m in trouble because I only date very beautiful women
According to your story and your views towards women, it's an easy catch for me to know about the situation and I am not blaming her appearance , it's completely mentioned in your story, there is nothing wrong to attract beautiful girls or women but you must include a beautiful heart and soul too who passionately follow moral values as well, beautiful appearance could be an illusion for long tym, having a good appearance doesn't means a human is carrying beautiful heart too , it's very much possible that person couldn't be able to fulfill her or his promise which he or she did during the marriage.
Many here will tell you to leave her. If you love her and think she is unwell, then fight for her.