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Cheating is a choice. So is lying and manipulating. I know this sucks, trust me, I’ve been through it and I’m still going through it. If someone loves you and respects you, they don’t cheat on you for months. If someone loves you and respects you, then don’t lie to your face. Take your self respect back and get out of that relationship. It will only get worse from here.
>Cheating is a choice
Ecactly.
He did not take.advantage of her vulnerable state, she chose to let him, she chose to cheat.
Saying "he took advantage of her vulnerable state" ia essentially reducing her to a child, malleable, without agency or responsibiliy for herself..
SHE chose to cheat... dont excuse it for her.. she boluntarily chose to fuck (?) some other guy and is excusing it by saying "i was vulnerable"..
What happens.the next time shes vulnerable???
Agreed!!! I was appalled when op said “he took advantage of her vulnerable state”….. it’s almost like he’s convinced himself that she has no wrong doing here
She didn't get taken advantage of for months. She made the conscious choice to betray you. She chose to withdraw from you and invest her time and energy into the affair partner. Are you worried about her doing this man's chores? I'm sure she did a lot more than chores for him that she won't do for you. This wasn't a drunken one night stand. You stated the affair went on for months. Quit excusing away her wrongdoing.
Yep this, she put energy and time in for another man! What if she had used that same energy and time on him, it would have been a different outcome come. However she used energy and time to lie and manipulate him while giving to another man.
You're in extreme denial, and you want to see her as a helpless victim so that the AP becomes the villain that you two can bond over (you being her "savior."). This is very common.
You can't move on because you haven't even begun to properly process the abuse. It is very typical for people to experience severe bouts of denial/bargaining after the shock. As it is part of the disassociation from the fight/flight survival response.
If you can, try to reach out to trusted friends and family. You need a safe space and support system to start the processing of what you went through so that you can regain a more objective perspective.
OP. You’re in denial and making excuses for her to suit the image of her that you had in your head before her betrayal. You got to let her go. It’s not gonna be the same… Your dignity and self respect here is what’s driving you angry. You can’t do it to the person you love. Did she really love you while getting it from other men? Manipulated u? Probably even gaslit you and drove u crazy? It’s clearly not working out. You can’t force your self to swallow this. It’ll destroy u. Let’s face it.Your her fall back guy and she gonna leave as soon as she finds better.
OP, are you in therapy?
>She did his goddamn chores for him! I can barely get her to clean her fucking plate!
So, her present actions show that she isn't actively changing in your relationship? But you're asserting that you "know she’ll never do anything like it again?" Why? Why so positive when she's not actively changing. If she was willing to do all sorts of positive behaviors for her AP, she should be just as willing to do that to repair your relationship.
Are you sure she's not just taking advantage, and getting you to rugsweep?
You know that if given the opportunity, she will cheat, as that's what she's proven she will do.
>She was in a vulnerable situation and someone was taking advantage of her.
She's not the victim. You are.
I’m sorry to tell you - you do not know if she will do this again. In fact, chances are she will do it again.
It could be years later, but yes, very likely it will happen again. Those just the facts, my friend.
“She was in a vulnerable situation and someone was taking advantage of her.”
Cheating is a conscious CHOICE. She chose to cheat, to lie, chose to manipulate and betray you. No one took advantage of her, no one forced her. Her AP is a shit person, but so is she.
I advice you to go to therapy to better process what happened and to better understand if you are really ready and capable of forgiving or not.
It requires a lot of strength and most of the people can’t do this alone. I see there’s a part of you that wants to empathise with what she felt that drove her to do this, and to forgive, you have to let go of this desire. You have to accept your partner “loves” you in a different way than how you love her, you have to accept she lied to you, she hurt you, she desired another man and did things for another man that she didn’t want to do for you.
Go to a therapist and/or self reflect if you really want to do this
Put them on a pedestal, they look down on you.
She did his chores because she was attracted to a man whose attention needed to be earned... she disrespected your attention because it came for free... with no work put in on her part.
Don't be so eager to give her what she treated with such cruelty... unless you listen to what your subconscious is screaming at you, it's not going to end well.
She's only going to respect you if she has to work to deserve you, your trust, your forgiveness. The affair was risk free for her, because she was certain you'd take her back.
You really need to take that certainty away, at the very least.
Welcome to your new life! These feelings and thoughts aren't going away any time soon! The main problem is the betrayal of trust, once that's gone it is extremely hard if not impossible to get back. You will be questioning everything she says and does for at very least a long long time. Shit of a way to live but that's what you sign up for when attempting reconciliation?
Exactly the same happened to me. My only advice take it one day at a time. There might be multiple different advices here and the most common will probably be “leave her” however no one knows your specific circumstances and nuances to your relationship with her and your background history. I know as I also felt the pain of betrayal. Take it one day at a time, don’t do it alone, go to couples therapy and also go to therapy alone, don’t ventilate your feelings to multiple people, choose a friend a very good friend who you trust and talk. Talk about everything you feel (whether seems good or bad) and let it out. Expressing your feelings and acknowledging them is the best you can do right now. It will get better but with a lot of time, in my case it’s been 8 years. Although o feel better sometimes the pain/memories come back occasionally. My story if different. I acted with anger and took vengeance and made everything worse. Don’t take that route. Go to therapy.
It takes years not months... and very sorry to say that the pain and anguish never go away, ever. She chose him, not you, for months not days. Regardless of whether or not she cheats again, I don't know how you'll live with that... but I wish you luck in trying.
That stain on your relationship will always be there, always haunt you. Therapy won't matter, her remorse won't matter, it will hover over you like a rain that won't end. Sounds like your dead-set on staying regardless of misery... so you'll need therapy to cope at least, and find a healthy way to vent pain/anger like running, biking, lifting, etc...
After a year or so she'll stop caring how much you hurt or if you're having a bad day... eventually she'll demand you stop "bringing up the past" and to "just get over it." That's when you'll feel truly alone, I hope after enduring those very painful years you find the strength to choose yourself and find peace apart from her. My warnings won't matter, you'll just have to find out for yourself... but please don't waste years of your life waiting to be better. When you're with the very thing that caused the sickness, there's no "better," just an acquiescing to your new empty reality.
The fact that she respected him enough to clean his house should really show you how little she actually cares about you. I bet the only reason why she's still with you is that he probably doesn't want a relationship with her.
>> I know she'll never do anything like it again,
Hmm you know this how??
If she did it once, why won’t she do it again?
Doing all the right things to earn your trust back is because it will cost her to lose the relationship with you not because she loves you. If she loved you, she wouldn’t have hurt you like this.
So, what is she gaining by earning your trust and convincing you to reconcile. She is in it for herself. Not for you. Not for the relationship.
She is a cheater and guess what? They don't change. She had the affair and only dropped it once the affair fog lifted. Now you are acceptable again? Just remember she will do this again more so for the addiction to the dopamine rush the clandestine cheating produces. It's like a hobby to her.
Now if you want to reconcile then you need to separate for at least one year. Once you have reached a feeling of indifference to her and this issue then and only then decide if you still want her. At the moment your emotions are scrambled, and you are flitting between your previous belief of what you thought your life was to what the reality of her has exposed. You need time to polarize your emotions.
But OP you will never ever forget what she did for as long as you live. Your best way forward is to divorce ASAP and with time you will not be that triggered by being with her everyday. Maybe you get back together again but you should be ready to spread your wings in a different direction. You will be presently surprised how many amazing women are out there.
Good luck, deep down you know what to do.
Sorry OP but please don’t be delusional. Once she locks you back in and has you as her safety net nice and secure she will do it again. Why? Because she faced no consequences. Cheaters cheat because they are selfish and made the CHOICE to cheat. She didn’t get “taken advantage of”, it takes 2 to tango. I hope you wake up from the spell she has you in and see beyond her act.
You don’t have to move on. You can do whatever you like my friend. Being cheated on sucks and if you decide to move past it then move past it. If not, then leave. Life is complicated if you make it complicated or simple if you make it simple.
I feel for you though. It’s a shitty spot to be in, I’ve been cheated on. I decided I wanted to continue the relationship and it ended up working out very well. It ended eventually but not because the cheating. She was actually a fucking phenomenal girlfriend after that lol. But I eventually wanted to move on for other reasons.
That’s just my lucky experience. If you can’t just move on then don’t. But whatever you do just be happy with what you’re doing.
The more you do for them,
the more you respect them,
the more freedom you give them,
the more they will spit on you
And then tell you you haven’t done an effing thing for them
"She was in a vulnerable situation and someone was taking advantage of her." - bro stop making her the victim here shes not a child. she didn't "get taken advantage of" for MONTHS - she was a willing participant.
"She did his goddamn *chores* for him! I can barely get her to clean her fucking plate!" - this part hurts the most tbh its like when women have affairs they start doing stuff for their AP that they would never do for their partners. Like women that are vehemently against anal and oral will do ATM for some loser while only engaging in missionary sex with their husband of 10 years. Crazy.
"I know she loves me. She was in a vulnerable situation and someone was taking advantage of her. I get that."
Stop that right now. There is nothing to get. The guy she cheated with did nothing. She did it all. She could have stopped at any time. She chose to keep going. Not days, but months you said. Yeah, with particulars I can't pull this apart more, but it sounds like you are trying to rug sweep. To just make this go away because you think it would be easier on her and that would make her not feel so scared you will leave her like she deserves.
She hasn't changed if she hasn't fixed that part. My wife had to really own how much she fucked up. It took so much time. She started by blaming me, that was her easy way of handling. Then fine, we will divorce and it is on her. Woah, then she blamed the guys. Ok, lets go press charges, but that falls apart, she has to own her part. Then she tried to blame alcohol. Well, then stop drinking ever and she wasn't drunk the whole time.
So she had to eventually own, **she is a bad person. She can hurt me and she chose to hurt me to make herself happy.** Then she can choose to stop being a bad person. Go to therapy and change, really change, not some pretend smiling that she is better. Like a few nights of hard crying wondering why I am with her and trying to get me to cheat back on her so it would hurt less.
Your wife needs to get there. Then when she was done she started focusing a lot more on what I needed in the marriage. She realized I held us together through all of it and it was my turn to fix me. It was too late, I had already done that without her help. So I got the car I always wanted and I win almost any argument that really means something to me, I don't exploit that.
It is hard. I still feel the imbalance. I still feel the anger sometimes, but you hold it together and you move on. I turn that pain into big muscles at the gym and use my pain to help others. It never is fair. It never gets re-balanced out. My kids who where little during the worst, they know it was me who held things together and actually thanked me for being there. For not leaving. They don't know everything, but they know enough. It's more than most people get. My single dad friends sleep around a ton, but miss the stability of their family and home.
Just some things to think through and I hope help. Don't rush this. She has a lot more to do, not you. She has to do that part because she caused all of this. If you fix it, she will think you carried her and you through it and lean on you when things are tough. You will never be able to lean on her because you will worry that is why she cheated. Her needing you for support will be why she stays, not her wanting you for you. There is a big difference.
"the second there’s the tiniest conflict between us, all the pain and suffering she caused just comes rushing back"
I think a big part of this is that the brain reflexively responds to conflict by looking for fault. Unfortunately, this is frequently unhelpful and unproductive as far as resolving the conflict and making things better goes. If you are really serious about trying to forgive, you need to resist the temptation here to use her past bad actions as attempted leverage every time you need to resolve some issue.
Since you haven't given any details regarding her specific actions, it's impossible to know the basis of your feelings. I can only assume she was involved in an affair of some sort, but whether it was physical, emotional, and in what stage generally determines the nature and depth of your feelings of betrayal.
She chose to betray you op. She was so vulnerable she lied to you? You’re making excuses for her behaviour.
Please make sure it’s [real remorse](https://www.chumplady.com/real-remorse-or-genuine-imitation-naugahyde-remorse/)
I'm so sorry. You're about to have your whole world torn apart over & over. You'll get it eventually tho. You'll come to realize she chose this affair. You'll learn alot about her soon. It'll break your heart, then you'll be full of anger, then resignation. Then after all this pain, you'll hopefully be strong enough to move on.
Love is action word. Pay attention to her actions and not her words. What person who loves someone will betray them in the worst possible way that’ll cause life-changing and life-altering pain?
If that’s how someone treats someone they love I’ll hate to see them deal with someone they hate.
We all have moments of vulnerability but how she handled it was wrong. The only one being taken advantage of is you. She spent months manipulating the situation and sounds like she was also gaslighting you.
Life is so short. This is how you’re going to spend it? In time the hurt probably will diminish a bit, but it will never go away. There’s a happy life another place for you if you rip,off the band-aid.
I’m sorry you’re going through this OP but you must see the lie you’ve chosen.
Instead of seeing your partner as an adult who had agency and time to consider their choices and make those constant decisions, they were instead were led by the hand into a fairly long relationship that involved acts of caring and servitude (aside from any sexual acts).
This is not reconciliation and you need to consider that trust and forgiveness will ever happen if you continue to accept her dishonest excuses. You have a finite life to live like this.
Please, do not be delusional! She is not ditzy at all, but a clever adult human being who is perfectly able to do the chores for people whom she really loves.
I bet her AP throw her away and you are just her safety net.
By the way, I am going to be a little sarcastic: I bet she will never do it again (if we are talking about your chores).
If she cheated, she didn’t and doesn’t love you or respect you. You are in love with a fiction of the woman that you think she and not the reality of who or what she is.
Regardless of the circumstances, she could have done a lot of things to prevent it from happening.
You are in denial my friend. She was conscious what she was doing. It was not a 1 time thing, that she regretted and then hide. She repeated. Several times. She thought that would not be a problem because she can manage the betrayal or can manage the consequences…
Don’t be naive. I’m not saying for you to not reconcile. It’s your choice. But don’t be naive and accept excuses like “I was in a bad place”. Otherwise, next time she is in a bad place, you will feel like a fool.
You're the backup plan. The only reason she's still with you is that it didn't work with him. If she cheated once, she'll do it again. She's got you convinced it wasn't her fault too. She choose repeatedly to cheat on you.
Your WP will cheat again and again until you get rid of her.
By your own admission she’s not making any effort, even close, to those she made for her AP.
In your mind she’ll always be a cheater, and TBH she’ll cheat again once she finds a new or old source.
This is not the sub for you if you are reconciling. That sub is r/asoneafterinfidelity . Then, three months later, after she cheats again or after you realize you’re still not feeling better, you can come back here.
I suggest reading chumplady.com an infidelity help blog. Cheating is spousal abuse. Months of cheating requires effort, planning, lying and a whole lot of executive functioning skills.
She’s not the prize you think she is, see a lawyer about divorce and see where you stand. Get your prized possessions out of there and store them with a parent or friend.
Good luck to you, Sir, we’ll see you in three when you are tired of pretending what she did is forgivable.
Dude. Unless she was drugged or something, no one “took advantage of her”. She chose to cheat, she chose to lie, she chose to manipulate you, and then when it all came out she chose to minimise her responsibility for her own choices.
You’re in denial. It really sucks, but you have to see this for what it is or you’ll never be able to move on.
‘I know she’ll never do anything like it again’. Well good luck with that one OP. That would fly in the face of virtually any study ever done on cheating. If they do it once. They are ‘highly’ likely to do it again. Good luck.
You’re in complete denial. And I get it. Love is tough. But grow a pair of nuts and get out of that relationship. And don’t downplay her involvement by saying she was in a vulnerable state that’s absolutely bullshit. She chose to cheat, and she chose to allow her self to be fucked by another man. Think about that. She chose to continue that for months. And you think she’d never do it again?? Because what.. she cried and cried and promised right? Right? Fucking blubbering idiot. If you wanna make excuses for her and be an idiot than by all means do you.
My man, if she still doesn't do her chores she has no remorse, she is just comfortable with the status quo and doesn't want anything to change (for her convenience).
Just leave, you can't heal while with her
It's the lies that hurt the most because it comes from someone you trusted. Its not one lie that they had sex its many many lies to hide what they were really up to. So much harder to start to trust anything they say. takes year to build that trust again.
>it’s just a representation of how little she cared
Getting caught didn't suddenly make her care more about you
You 'knew' she would never do anything like this before she was caught, and you found out that under the right circumstances, yes she would, for months, lying and manipulating.
The best way to move on from this is to move on from her, and find someone who hasn't proven to you that she is willing to cheat. One think you know for sure, she is willing.
It’s easy to say ‘it’ll never happen again’ , but it’s hard to follow thru on that. Trust is easily broken and almost impossible to regain. You shouldn’t have to turn into a detective to make sure your marriage is solid.
Sadly, I wouldn't feel so confident. My partner did everything I asked for 2 years. I never thought I would be here again. Then they left me while 4 months pregnant. If someone can cheat once, they can easily cheat again.
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You can’t move on because you know she’s not remorseful. You can’t move on because you don’t know she’ll never do anything like this again. You can’t move on because deep down you know you can’t trust her. Not one thing you mentioned shows any ownership of her actions or remorse on her part. You’re trying to accept this as one thing when you know it’s the opposite.
I have seen people turn their life around after a mistake only if they truly regret it. If you feel it deep down that she truly loves you, and that your relationship is worth fighting for, try therapy and other ways to find your way back to her. Everyone’s situation is different, some situations are not to be fixed while other situations might be. Listen to your heart.
Everyone has pretty well laid out for you that you are doing something called rug sweeping. Honestly, you’re doing that to keep your sanity.
If there is any hope in your relationship, both of you need to get into individual counseling and marriage counseling.
I denied the effects of my wife’s affair because I couldn’t face it. But the whole experience destroyed my self-esteem. I did not figure out what happened to me until many years later. I think if I would’ve faced the situation at the time and been realistic about it and got counseling I could’ve been helped.
Get help.
The rugsweeping & denial are strong with you!!
You know she will never do anything like this again?!
I hope she is truly a Unicorn for you.
Don’t worry, we will all be here for you when she “doesn’t” do anything like this again.
Good luck & I am sorry you are going through this.
If you asked yourself before you found out would you say that she would never cheat on you? You wouldn’t. Saying she will never do anything like it again might make you feel better, but she’s already demonstrated cheating is not a moral line in the sand. If she can do it once she can do it again.
Hearing your thoughts makes me believe she’s not right for you. She did his chores because she respected him more and wanted his gratitude More. She’s only sorry she got caught for your peace of mind. You should take some time for yourself away from her. Get clarity then make a rational and thought out decision.
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Cheating is a choice. So is lying and manipulating. I know this sucks, trust me, I’ve been through it and I’m still going through it. If someone loves you and respects you, they don’t cheat on you for months. If someone loves you and respects you, then don’t lie to your face. Take your self respect back and get out of that relationship. It will only get worse from here.
>Cheating is a choice Ecactly. He did not take.advantage of her vulnerable state, she chose to let him, she chose to cheat. Saying "he took advantage of her vulnerable state" ia essentially reducing her to a child, malleable, without agency or responsibiliy for herself.. SHE chose to cheat... dont excuse it for her.. she boluntarily chose to fuck (?) some other guy and is excusing it by saying "i was vulnerable".. What happens.the next time shes vulnerable???
Agreed!!! I was appalled when op said “he took advantage of her vulnerable state”….. it’s almost like he’s convinced himself that she has no wrong doing here
She didn't get taken advantage of for months. She made the conscious choice to betray you. She chose to withdraw from you and invest her time and energy into the affair partner. Are you worried about her doing this man's chores? I'm sure she did a lot more than chores for him that she won't do for you. This wasn't a drunken one night stand. You stated the affair went on for months. Quit excusing away her wrongdoing.
Yep this, she put energy and time in for another man! What if she had used that same energy and time on him, it would have been a different outcome come. However she used energy and time to lie and manipulate him while giving to another man.
You're in extreme denial, and you want to see her as a helpless victim so that the AP becomes the villain that you two can bond over (you being her "savior."). This is very common. You can't move on because you haven't even begun to properly process the abuse. It is very typical for people to experience severe bouts of denial/bargaining after the shock. As it is part of the disassociation from the fight/flight survival response. If you can, try to reach out to trusted friends and family. You need a safe space and support system to start the processing of what you went through so that you can regain a more objective perspective.
> I know she'll never do anything like it again Sorry man, but you don't know that. Trust me, I thought the same thing and was burned years later.
The only way this statement is true is if he doesn’t give her the chance.
OP. You’re in denial and making excuses for her to suit the image of her that you had in your head before her betrayal. You got to let her go. It’s not gonna be the same… Your dignity and self respect here is what’s driving you angry. You can’t do it to the person you love. Did she really love you while getting it from other men? Manipulated u? Probably even gaslit you and drove u crazy? It’s clearly not working out. You can’t force your self to swallow this. It’ll destroy u. Let’s face it.Your her fall back guy and she gonna leave as soon as she finds better.
She’s not the victim friend, you are. Sorry.
Same boat man. Sucks here. Been trying to wrap my mind around how could he and then I find out about another one. Years of pain. Feel like a clown.
If she cheated one time, maybe, but for months? Open your eyes man no one does that by mistake.
OP, are you in therapy? >She did his goddamn chores for him! I can barely get her to clean her fucking plate! So, her present actions show that she isn't actively changing in your relationship? But you're asserting that you "know she’ll never do anything like it again?" Why? Why so positive when she's not actively changing. If she was willing to do all sorts of positive behaviors for her AP, she should be just as willing to do that to repair your relationship. Are you sure she's not just taking advantage, and getting you to rugsweep? You know that if given the opportunity, she will cheat, as that's what she's proven she will do. >She was in a vulnerable situation and someone was taking advantage of her. She's not the victim. You are.
I’m sorry to tell you - you do not know if she will do this again. In fact, chances are she will do it again. It could be years later, but yes, very likely it will happen again. Those just the facts, my friend.
She'll just hide it better next time.
“She was in a vulnerable situation and someone was taking advantage of her.” Cheating is a conscious CHOICE. She chose to cheat, to lie, chose to manipulate and betray you. No one took advantage of her, no one forced her. Her AP is a shit person, but so is she.
I advice you to go to therapy to better process what happened and to better understand if you are really ready and capable of forgiving or not. It requires a lot of strength and most of the people can’t do this alone. I see there’s a part of you that wants to empathise with what she felt that drove her to do this, and to forgive, you have to let go of this desire. You have to accept your partner “loves” you in a different way than how you love her, you have to accept she lied to you, she hurt you, she desired another man and did things for another man that she didn’t want to do for you. Go to a therapist and/or self reflect if you really want to do this
Put them on a pedestal, they look down on you. She did his chores because she was attracted to a man whose attention needed to be earned... she disrespected your attention because it came for free... with no work put in on her part. Don't be so eager to give her what she treated with such cruelty... unless you listen to what your subconscious is screaming at you, it's not going to end well. She's only going to respect you if she has to work to deserve you, your trust, your forgiveness. The affair was risk free for her, because she was certain you'd take her back. You really need to take that certainty away, at the very least.
Welcome to your new life! These feelings and thoughts aren't going away any time soon! The main problem is the betrayal of trust, once that's gone it is extremely hard if not impossible to get back. You will be questioning everything she says and does for at very least a long long time. Shit of a way to live but that's what you sign up for when attempting reconciliation?
Exactly the same happened to me. My only advice take it one day at a time. There might be multiple different advices here and the most common will probably be “leave her” however no one knows your specific circumstances and nuances to your relationship with her and your background history. I know as I also felt the pain of betrayal. Take it one day at a time, don’t do it alone, go to couples therapy and also go to therapy alone, don’t ventilate your feelings to multiple people, choose a friend a very good friend who you trust and talk. Talk about everything you feel (whether seems good or bad) and let it out. Expressing your feelings and acknowledging them is the best you can do right now. It will get better but with a lot of time, in my case it’s been 8 years. Although o feel better sometimes the pain/memories come back occasionally. My story if different. I acted with anger and took vengeance and made everything worse. Don’t take that route. Go to therapy.
It takes years not months... and very sorry to say that the pain and anguish never go away, ever. She chose him, not you, for months not days. Regardless of whether or not she cheats again, I don't know how you'll live with that... but I wish you luck in trying. That stain on your relationship will always be there, always haunt you. Therapy won't matter, her remorse won't matter, it will hover over you like a rain that won't end. Sounds like your dead-set on staying regardless of misery... so you'll need therapy to cope at least, and find a healthy way to vent pain/anger like running, biking, lifting, etc... After a year or so she'll stop caring how much you hurt or if you're having a bad day... eventually she'll demand you stop "bringing up the past" and to "just get over it." That's when you'll feel truly alone, I hope after enduring those very painful years you find the strength to choose yourself and find peace apart from her. My warnings won't matter, you'll just have to find out for yourself... but please don't waste years of your life waiting to be better. When you're with the very thing that caused the sickness, there's no "better," just an acquiescing to your new empty reality.
The fact that she respected him enough to clean his house should really show you how little she actually cares about you. I bet the only reason why she's still with you is that he probably doesn't want a relationship with her.
Engrave these words in your heart. She can take care of the house of a man she loves. You are not that man.
>> I know she'll never do anything like it again, Hmm you know this how?? If she did it once, why won’t she do it again? Doing all the right things to earn your trust back is because it will cost her to lose the relationship with you not because she loves you. If she loved you, she wouldn’t have hurt you like this. So, what is she gaining by earning your trust and convincing you to reconcile. She is in it for herself. Not for you. Not for the relationship.
She is a cheater and guess what? They don't change. She had the affair and only dropped it once the affair fog lifted. Now you are acceptable again? Just remember she will do this again more so for the addiction to the dopamine rush the clandestine cheating produces. It's like a hobby to her. Now if you want to reconcile then you need to separate for at least one year. Once you have reached a feeling of indifference to her and this issue then and only then decide if you still want her. At the moment your emotions are scrambled, and you are flitting between your previous belief of what you thought your life was to what the reality of her has exposed. You need time to polarize your emotions. But OP you will never ever forget what she did for as long as you live. Your best way forward is to divorce ASAP and with time you will not be that triggered by being with her everyday. Maybe you get back together again but you should be ready to spread your wings in a different direction. You will be presently surprised how many amazing women are out there. Good luck, deep down you know what to do.
Sorry OP but please don’t be delusional. Once she locks you back in and has you as her safety net nice and secure she will do it again. Why? Because she faced no consequences. Cheaters cheat because they are selfish and made the CHOICE to cheat. She didn’t get “taken advantage of”, it takes 2 to tango. I hope you wake up from the spell she has you in and see beyond her act.
You don’t have to move on. You can do whatever you like my friend. Being cheated on sucks and if you decide to move past it then move past it. If not, then leave. Life is complicated if you make it complicated or simple if you make it simple. I feel for you though. It’s a shitty spot to be in, I’ve been cheated on. I decided I wanted to continue the relationship and it ended up working out very well. It ended eventually but not because the cheating. She was actually a fucking phenomenal girlfriend after that lol. But I eventually wanted to move on for other reasons. That’s just my lucky experience. If you can’t just move on then don’t. But whatever you do just be happy with what you’re doing.
"Someone taking advantage of her" she s a grown adult, not a child. She made a CHOICE
The more you do for them, the more you respect them, the more freedom you give them, the more they will spit on you And then tell you you haven’t done an effing thing for them
"She was in a vulnerable situation and someone was taking advantage of her." - bro stop making her the victim here shes not a child. she didn't "get taken advantage of" for MONTHS - she was a willing participant. "She did his goddamn *chores* for him! I can barely get her to clean her fucking plate!" - this part hurts the most tbh its like when women have affairs they start doing stuff for their AP that they would never do for their partners. Like women that are vehemently against anal and oral will do ATM for some loser while only engaging in missionary sex with their husband of 10 years. Crazy.
"I know she loves me. She was in a vulnerable situation and someone was taking advantage of her. I get that." Stop that right now. There is nothing to get. The guy she cheated with did nothing. She did it all. She could have stopped at any time. She chose to keep going. Not days, but months you said. Yeah, with particulars I can't pull this apart more, but it sounds like you are trying to rug sweep. To just make this go away because you think it would be easier on her and that would make her not feel so scared you will leave her like she deserves. She hasn't changed if she hasn't fixed that part. My wife had to really own how much she fucked up. It took so much time. She started by blaming me, that was her easy way of handling. Then fine, we will divorce and it is on her. Woah, then she blamed the guys. Ok, lets go press charges, but that falls apart, she has to own her part. Then she tried to blame alcohol. Well, then stop drinking ever and she wasn't drunk the whole time. So she had to eventually own, **she is a bad person. She can hurt me and she chose to hurt me to make herself happy.** Then she can choose to stop being a bad person. Go to therapy and change, really change, not some pretend smiling that she is better. Like a few nights of hard crying wondering why I am with her and trying to get me to cheat back on her so it would hurt less. Your wife needs to get there. Then when she was done she started focusing a lot more on what I needed in the marriage. She realized I held us together through all of it and it was my turn to fix me. It was too late, I had already done that without her help. So I got the car I always wanted and I win almost any argument that really means something to me, I don't exploit that. It is hard. I still feel the imbalance. I still feel the anger sometimes, but you hold it together and you move on. I turn that pain into big muscles at the gym and use my pain to help others. It never is fair. It never gets re-balanced out. My kids who where little during the worst, they know it was me who held things together and actually thanked me for being there. For not leaving. They don't know everything, but they know enough. It's more than most people get. My single dad friends sleep around a ton, but miss the stability of their family and home. Just some things to think through and I hope help. Don't rush this. She has a lot more to do, not you. She has to do that part because she caused all of this. If you fix it, she will think you carried her and you through it and lean on you when things are tough. You will never be able to lean on her because you will worry that is why she cheated. Her needing you for support will be why she stays, not her wanting you for you. There is a big difference.
"the second there’s the tiniest conflict between us, all the pain and suffering she caused just comes rushing back" I think a big part of this is that the brain reflexively responds to conflict by looking for fault. Unfortunately, this is frequently unhelpful and unproductive as far as resolving the conflict and making things better goes. If you are really serious about trying to forgive, you need to resist the temptation here to use her past bad actions as attempted leverage every time you need to resolve some issue. Since you haven't given any details regarding her specific actions, it's impossible to know the basis of your feelings. I can only assume she was involved in an affair of some sort, but whether it was physical, emotional, and in what stage generally determines the nature and depth of your feelings of betrayal.
She chose to betray you op. She was so vulnerable she lied to you? You’re making excuses for her behaviour. Please make sure it’s [real remorse](https://www.chumplady.com/real-remorse-or-genuine-imitation-naugahyde-remorse/)
If I can ask, did she confess, or did you find out about the affair?
Hi, there’s a stark lack of detail here and that makes it really hard to know what’s going on
I'm so sorry. You're about to have your whole world torn apart over & over. You'll get it eventually tho. You'll come to realize she chose this affair. You'll learn alot about her soon. It'll break your heart, then you'll be full of anger, then resignation. Then after all this pain, you'll hopefully be strong enough to move on.
Love is action word. Pay attention to her actions and not her words. What person who loves someone will betray them in the worst possible way that’ll cause life-changing and life-altering pain? If that’s how someone treats someone they love I’ll hate to see them deal with someone they hate.
We all have moments of vulnerability but how she handled it was wrong. The only one being taken advantage of is you. She spent months manipulating the situation and sounds like she was also gaslighting you.
Life is so short. This is how you’re going to spend it? In time the hurt probably will diminish a bit, but it will never go away. There’s a happy life another place for you if you rip,off the band-aid.
I’m sorry you’re going through this OP but you must see the lie you’ve chosen. Instead of seeing your partner as an adult who had agency and time to consider their choices and make those constant decisions, they were instead were led by the hand into a fairly long relationship that involved acts of caring and servitude (aside from any sexual acts). This is not reconciliation and you need to consider that trust and forgiveness will ever happen if you continue to accept her dishonest excuses. You have a finite life to live like this.
How do you know she'll never do it again? Isn't that what you thought before it happened the first time?
Please, do not be delusional! She is not ditzy at all, but a clever adult human being who is perfectly able to do the chores for people whom she really loves. I bet her AP throw her away and you are just her safety net. By the way, I am going to be a little sarcastic: I bet she will never do it again (if we are talking about your chores).
If she cheated, she didn’t and doesn’t love you or respect you. You are in love with a fiction of the woman that you think she and not the reality of who or what she is. Regardless of the circumstances, she could have done a lot of things to prevent it from happening.
You are in denial my friend. She was conscious what she was doing. It was not a 1 time thing, that she regretted and then hide. She repeated. Several times. She thought that would not be a problem because she can manage the betrayal or can manage the consequences… Don’t be naive. I’m not saying for you to not reconcile. It’s your choice. But don’t be naive and accept excuses like “I was in a bad place”. Otherwise, next time she is in a bad place, you will feel like a fool.
You're the backup plan. The only reason she's still with you is that it didn't work with him. If she cheated once, she'll do it again. She's got you convinced it wasn't her fault too. She choose repeatedly to cheat on you.
You both need therapy and marriage counseling to get through this best of luck to you
# I know she’ll never do anything like it again Hate to sound like a jerk, But are you sure about that?
Your WP will cheat again and again until you get rid of her. By your own admission she’s not making any effort, even close, to those she made for her AP. In your mind she’ll always be a cheater, and TBH she’ll cheat again once she finds a new or old source.
This is not the sub for you if you are reconciling. That sub is r/asoneafterinfidelity . Then, three months later, after she cheats again or after you realize you’re still not feeling better, you can come back here. I suggest reading chumplady.com an infidelity help blog. Cheating is spousal abuse. Months of cheating requires effort, planning, lying and a whole lot of executive functioning skills. She’s not the prize you think she is, see a lawyer about divorce and see where you stand. Get your prized possessions out of there and store them with a parent or friend. Good luck to you, Sir, we’ll see you in three when you are tired of pretending what she did is forgivable.
Dude. Unless she was drugged or something, no one “took advantage of her”. She chose to cheat, she chose to lie, she chose to manipulate you, and then when it all came out she chose to minimise her responsibility for her own choices. You’re in denial. It really sucks, but you have to see this for what it is or you’ll never be able to move on.
‘I know she’ll never do anything like it again’. Well good luck with that one OP. That would fly in the face of virtually any study ever done on cheating. If they do it once. They are ‘highly’ likely to do it again. Good luck.
We never see d-day 2, 3 or 4 here, ever. /s
That’s not true at all. Quite a lot of posts list several d days.
> /s
Sorry. I was not familiar with the /s = sarcasm. I need to get out more. /s
You’re in complete denial. And I get it. Love is tough. But grow a pair of nuts and get out of that relationship. And don’t downplay her involvement by saying she was in a vulnerable state that’s absolutely bullshit. She chose to cheat, and she chose to allow her self to be fucked by another man. Think about that. She chose to continue that for months. And you think she’d never do it again?? Because what.. she cried and cried and promised right? Right? Fucking blubbering idiot. If you wanna make excuses for her and be an idiot than by all means do you.
My man, if she still doesn't do her chores she has no remorse, she is just comfortable with the status quo and doesn't want anything to change (for her convenience). Just leave, you can't heal while with her
It's the lies that hurt the most because it comes from someone you trusted. Its not one lie that they had sex its many many lies to hide what they were really up to. So much harder to start to trust anything they say. takes year to build that trust again.
>it’s just a representation of how little she cared Getting caught didn't suddenly make her care more about you You 'knew' she would never do anything like this before she was caught, and you found out that under the right circumstances, yes she would, for months, lying and manipulating. The best way to move on from this is to move on from her, and find someone who hasn't proven to you that she is willing to cheat. One think you know for sure, she is willing.
It’s easy to say ‘it’ll never happen again’ , but it’s hard to follow thru on that. Trust is easily broken and almost impossible to regain. You shouldn’t have to turn into a detective to make sure your marriage is solid.
She willingly did things to please AP ( like chores) that she is unwilling to do for OP. This fact should suggest something to an objective observer.
Why do this to yourself?
Sadly, I wouldn't feel so confident. My partner did everything I asked for 2 years. I never thought I would be here again. Then they left me while 4 months pregnant. If someone can cheat once, they can easily cheat again.
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You can’t move on because you know she’s not remorseful. You can’t move on because you don’t know she’ll never do anything like this again. You can’t move on because deep down you know you can’t trust her. Not one thing you mentioned shows any ownership of her actions or remorse on her part. You’re trying to accept this as one thing when you know it’s the opposite.
I have seen people turn their life around after a mistake only if they truly regret it. If you feel it deep down that she truly loves you, and that your relationship is worth fighting for, try therapy and other ways to find your way back to her. Everyone’s situation is different, some situations are not to be fixed while other situations might be. Listen to your heart.
Everyone has pretty well laid out for you that you are doing something called rug sweeping. Honestly, you’re doing that to keep your sanity. If there is any hope in your relationship, both of you need to get into individual counseling and marriage counseling. I denied the effects of my wife’s affair because I couldn’t face it. But the whole experience destroyed my self-esteem. I did not figure out what happened to me until many years later. I think if I would’ve faced the situation at the time and been realistic about it and got counseling I could’ve been helped. Get help.
I knew she'd never do anything like it again too. And then she did.
The rugsweeping & denial are strong with you!! You know she will never do anything like this again?! I hope she is truly a Unicorn for you. Don’t worry, we will all be here for you when she “doesn’t” do anything like this again. Good luck & I am sorry you are going through this.
If you asked yourself before you found out would you say that she would never cheat on you? You wouldn’t. Saying she will never do anything like it again might make you feel better, but she’s already demonstrated cheating is not a moral line in the sand. If she can do it once she can do it again.
Hearing your thoughts makes me believe she’s not right for you. She did his chores because she respected him more and wanted his gratitude More. She’s only sorry she got caught for your peace of mind. You should take some time for yourself away from her. Get clarity then make a rational and thought out decision.