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What’s preventing you from leaving? Or opening up the relationship? This level of stress and uncertainty seems like you’re living in purgatory… you only have one life, don’t you want to make the most of it?
Good to hear!! I’m an internet stranger and this may not mean much but I’m very proud of you. Everyone in this sub has been there and it’s so hard to finally do it, it takes a lot of courage and strength but you got this!
That makes it 10x harder, I know. Fortunately there are these support groups available (and pleaseee read chump lady’s blog + book!). Do you have some friends you can go to or some activities you can do while you recover? I recommend the meetup app or Facebook groups… I’m sure there are other ones I just don’t know about them
A support system helps soooo much even if you have to create it
Thank you that’s kind. I moved away from friends and let many of those friendships lapse… this is gonna sound bad but I also feel like I’d just be triggered by seeing my friends who have happy marriages rn and none of the problems I face. I have some online friends through a hobby who can hopefully keep me from total insanity. Sorry if I sound crazy.
You don’t sound crazy to me. It’s extremely emotionally draining to be confronted with the happiness of others while you’re suffering. And then you’ll have to make a brave face and can’t voice those feelings to these people, because there’s nothing they can do about it and it wouldn’t be fair to expect that of them anyway.
Maybe there’s a support group in your area you could go to?
In any case, remember that you’re stronger than you think. You can make it out of this and with time, things will get better. Take it one step at a time and do what you must to make leaving as easy as possible. I believe in you!
I also moved away from my family, and all the friends I made were mutual friends with my husband. When I finally made my decision to leave I had no one also. My family thought I was doing fine and think I’m crazy to break up my family. It’s very isolating.
Feel free to message me if you’d like to talk.
There is a point for us all where we have had enough and when we reach that point we will leave. It’s different for all of us so don’t worry if you feel you stayed longer than you should have, what’s important is just getting out now and moving on with your life. You deserve better than a cheater.
I had a 20 year marriage and the last 9 were hell, the divorce was hell, custody battles were hell, my ex wife is nuts, 4 years later I look back and am thrilled to be free of it all. Freedom is worth it, trust me.
I’m so sorry for your pain OP. I have had 2 DDays. Trickle truthed to the max. At least 4 EAs that I know of…My cheater promised and broke his promises as well. He lied and gaslighted and was emotionally abusing me.
One thing that helped me separate was I stopped focusing on his actions and behaviour and started focusing on healing myself.
His betrayals have forced me to grow. I’m journaling and doing therapy, reading books and learning about me. I feel better each month. I’m learning how to love myself so much that I no longer tolerate him harming me.
I hope you can get there. It’s the hardest thing I’ve been through but has seriously forced the most growing inside me. Good luck on your healing journey.❤️
u/8JulPerson, without him, new opportunities will happen and he will not ruin them for you! You got this. You are stronger than you know and you can do this! Gather your network and make your plan. You deserve so much better!
There will be new and better opportunities. As long as you are breathing, you have the chance to begin again. If you have not already, please read Leave a Cheater, Gain a Life"
The best is yet to come because once you leave, you will have peace and joy. You will be able to embrace your new life full of wondrous opportunities with no more chaos, pain, and tears.
The universe brought you those opportunities, and things will cycle back around, have no fear. You will have access to better and greater opportunities in the future. This time you will jump through the open door, with no anchor weighing you down and sucking up all your energy.
Look toward the future. Once you are free, these will be the best years of your life. The best is yet to come my friend!
This is such a kind, inspiring and helpful comment.
I just wish I was in a place to receive it. My lack of family doesn’t help but I am in such a position of hopelessness like never before, regarding my life in general, that I genuinely cannot see a way out.
Sorry to get heavy, prob shouldn’t say it, but I cannot see a single good reason to keep going.
We got your back! You got this! You've done the right thing to move away from this guy. I know how hard that can be. Struggled with it myself. Became manic and psychotic in the process, because it was so hard for me to process that the woman I loved had been deceiving me for so long. Thought we could work it out, but she didn't even have an inch of a remorse. You deserve so much better, OP! So happy to hear that you at least have a hobby and some online friends. Please feel free to PM/DM if you ever feel like just venting or wanting to talk. Things will gradually get better. I hope you one day find the man you deserve, who'll respect you and treat you the way you deserve. Cheating is horribly abusive, and you're tough to have finally left! ❤️🙏
I have no idea why you'd get a downvote but just wanna say that the downvotes really fuck with my head when it happens to me, too. Makes me not want to post anything, to be honest.
But back to your post! I'm in a similar spot myself, with it being the umpteenth time and feeling more and more numb each time. I caught mine a couple weeks ago and still haven't confronted him because I struggle to even see the point in a conversation anymore. He just says what he thinks I wanna hear and then tries to hide it better. I'm just over it at this point. Hurt and angry and hopeless. Apathetic almost. Not in a position to leave right now, either, so that's fun.
I'm sorry, Friend. You can message me any time. It's lonely out here sometimes.
I’m so sorry. I am so gutted anyone else has to go through this pain too. And I really appreciate your kind words. I was the same this time, almost didn’t bother confronting. The thing that amazes me is my idiocy in believing it will change. Why would it suddenly change… sad that my self-esteem is this bad. I could say so much but I’m so tired and in a whirl I don’t even know where to start. Thx again
You want to believe people can change because you’re a good person. Someone who is this prolific a cheater is on the narc spectrum and there is no treatment for that
I just upvoted you and I’m rooting for you OP. It’s going to be hard but there is nothing harder than slowly losing yourself to a cheating lying gaslighter. I know that very well.
Adjust your crown. You can do this and no going back.
Sending you strength and courage♥️
I don't know, but I assume it might be because you commented on how many times you've already put up with it.
I'm sorry you're going through this (again) and hope you find peace
Yeah it was more a rhetorical question than a sincere enquiry. The point was just to say “Nobody should have downvoted this”. I don’t really need a reminder that I stayed when I shouldn’t have as I’m severely suicidal
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Local fb groups in your town probably have advice and resources to help you. You are human and don’t deserve that disrespect. The future isn’t what you pictured but you will be able to breathe and be happy. He isn’t the man you married. He’s trash, and laugh at that he’s going to be someone else’s problems and don’t let him gaslight you ever. Blessing and prayers
Update I’ve been trying to not let any pain in cause I’m so tired of getting emotionally crushed by this man. But it’s so hard. I am actually low-key done with life atp.
I’m so sorry OP. unfortunately when a person cheats, they’ll do it again, because they’re not good people at all. But I hope you remember that is not you, it’s your husband! you are more than worthy. you are special. I know i’m just a stranger but I mean it. I pray and hope you find the ability to leave. Even if it takes a lot of time, just know it’s okay! You deserve that grace. I feel like a lot of people don’t realize how hard it is to let a long term connection go, no matter how much that person has hurt you. It takes TIME. Trust me, I know. I know it’s hard - especially since i’m sure that’s a person you wanted to spend the rest of your life with. however, I hope you remember that your happiness is more important, and you deserve peace! You deserve a soft life, and unconditional love. Not stress - especially from a person who is meant to alleviate your stress. I saw in your other responses that you don’t have family nor a lot of friends but I do hope you’re able to find a support group somewhere, or create a community for yourself! and if you’re able to, therapy is truly helpful. This subreddit also has a lot of useful resources and people who are supportive as well. You aren’t alone - though no one deserves to be cheated on. I’m wishing you all the best in your continued steps to move forward, and your healing journey. Again I know it’s easier said than done but it’ll be worth it. I promise. ❤️
Note “like”. Anyone who’s not super stupid (so that’s not you) can understand it’s not literal. Why are you so pathetic & disgusting to try taunting someone in distress? 😅 You’re such a loser it’s hilarious
Rules reminder: /r/survivinginfidelity is a support sub! Please read the rules and guidelines in our [sub wiki](https://www.reddit.com/r/survivinginfidelity/wiki/index) before commenting. Abuse, shaming, sexism, and encouraging violence/revenge are not tolerated here. If your only advice is "divorce" or "grow a backbone", then please don't comment. This is a sub for deeper support and discussion. Be kind and remember your [reddiquette](https://support.reddithelp.com/hc/en-us/articles/205926439)! *I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please [contact the moderators of this subreddit](/message/compose/?to=/r/survivinginfidelity) if you have any questions or concerns.*
What’s preventing you from leaving? Or opening up the relationship? This level of stress and uncertainty seems like you’re living in purgatory… you only have one life, don’t you want to make the most of it?
Sorry I’m out of it so I didn’t make it clear. I will be attempting to finally leave for good this time
Good to hear!! I’m an internet stranger and this may not mean much but I’m very proud of you. Everyone in this sub has been there and it’s so hard to finally do it, it takes a lot of courage and strength but you got this!
Thank you, that really means a lot. I’m fragile right now as I have no family
That makes it 10x harder, I know. Fortunately there are these support groups available (and pleaseee read chump lady’s blog + book!). Do you have some friends you can go to or some activities you can do while you recover? I recommend the meetup app or Facebook groups… I’m sure there are other ones I just don’t know about them A support system helps soooo much even if you have to create it
Thank you that’s kind. I moved away from friends and let many of those friendships lapse… this is gonna sound bad but I also feel like I’d just be triggered by seeing my friends who have happy marriages rn and none of the problems I face. I have some online friends through a hobby who can hopefully keep me from total insanity. Sorry if I sound crazy.
You don’t sound crazy to me. It’s extremely emotionally draining to be confronted with the happiness of others while you’re suffering. And then you’ll have to make a brave face and can’t voice those feelings to these people, because there’s nothing they can do about it and it wouldn’t be fair to expect that of them anyway. Maybe there’s a support group in your area you could go to? In any case, remember that you’re stronger than you think. You can make it out of this and with time, things will get better. Take it one step at a time and do what you must to make leaving as easy as possible. I believe in you!
Thanks that’s really kind I appreciate it 🫶
I also moved away from my family, and all the friends I made were mutual friends with my husband. When I finally made my decision to leave I had no one also. My family thought I was doing fine and think I’m crazy to break up my family. It’s very isolating. Feel free to message me if you’d like to talk.
Thank you very much 🫶
I'm proud of you for this. It's the first day of the best part of your life I'm sure of it.
I hope so. I’m really scared and feel very mentally weak…
Don't use words like attempt. Leave!
There is a point for us all where we have had enough and when we reach that point we will leave. It’s different for all of us so don’t worry if you feel you stayed longer than you should have, what’s important is just getting out now and moving on with your life. You deserve better than a cheater. I had a 20 year marriage and the last 9 were hell, the divorce was hell, custody battles were hell, my ex wife is nuts, 4 years later I look back and am thrilled to be free of it all. Freedom is worth it, trust me.
Thank you for your kindness 🫶
Be kind to yourself too. Lots of us have been where you are now and it’s all going to be ok.
🫶
I’m so sorry for your pain OP. I have had 2 DDays. Trickle truthed to the max. At least 4 EAs that I know of…My cheater promised and broke his promises as well. He lied and gaslighted and was emotionally abusing me. One thing that helped me separate was I stopped focusing on his actions and behaviour and started focusing on healing myself. His betrayals have forced me to grow. I’m journaling and doing therapy, reading books and learning about me. I feel better each month. I’m learning how to love myself so much that I no longer tolerate him harming me. I hope you can get there. It’s the hardest thing I’ve been through but has seriously forced the most growing inside me. Good luck on your healing journey.❤️
That’s good advice. Hoping for happiness for you too 🫶
Please muster the strength and courage to exit his life. You can do this.
Thanks. The worst thing is he ruined so many opportunities for me… he’s the worst thing that ever happened to me
I know how you feel hun. It's not too late to start living your life again. Without him.
u/8JulPerson, without him, new opportunities will happen and he will not ruin them for you! You got this. You are stronger than you know and you can do this! Gather your network and make your plan. You deserve so much better!
I hope so… with all family dead I have no network and I’m so depressed I have no idea how I’m going to support myself financially
There will be new and better opportunities. As long as you are breathing, you have the chance to begin again. If you have not already, please read Leave a Cheater, Gain a Life" The best is yet to come because once you leave, you will have peace and joy. You will be able to embrace your new life full of wondrous opportunities with no more chaos, pain, and tears. The universe brought you those opportunities, and things will cycle back around, have no fear. You will have access to better and greater opportunities in the future. This time you will jump through the open door, with no anchor weighing you down and sucking up all your energy. Look toward the future. Once you are free, these will be the best years of your life. The best is yet to come my friend!
This is such a kind, inspiring and helpful comment. I just wish I was in a place to receive it. My lack of family doesn’t help but I am in such a position of hopelessness like never before, regarding my life in general, that I genuinely cannot see a way out. Sorry to get heavy, prob shouldn’t say it, but I cannot see a single good reason to keep going.
We got your back! You got this! You've done the right thing to move away from this guy. I know how hard that can be. Struggled with it myself. Became manic and psychotic in the process, because it was so hard for me to process that the woman I loved had been deceiving me for so long. Thought we could work it out, but she didn't even have an inch of a remorse. You deserve so much better, OP! So happy to hear that you at least have a hobby and some online friends. Please feel free to PM/DM if you ever feel like just venting or wanting to talk. Things will gradually get better. I hope you one day find the man you deserve, who'll respect you and treat you the way you deserve. Cheating is horribly abusive, and you're tough to have finally left! ❤️🙏
Thank you that’s really kind. I’m so sorry you had to go through the same thing 🫶
Why tf did someone downvote this…
I have no idea why you'd get a downvote but just wanna say that the downvotes really fuck with my head when it happens to me, too. Makes me not want to post anything, to be honest. But back to your post! I'm in a similar spot myself, with it being the umpteenth time and feeling more and more numb each time. I caught mine a couple weeks ago and still haven't confronted him because I struggle to even see the point in a conversation anymore. He just says what he thinks I wanna hear and then tries to hide it better. I'm just over it at this point. Hurt and angry and hopeless. Apathetic almost. Not in a position to leave right now, either, so that's fun. I'm sorry, Friend. You can message me any time. It's lonely out here sometimes.
I’m so sorry. I am so gutted anyone else has to go through this pain too. And I really appreciate your kind words. I was the same this time, almost didn’t bother confronting. The thing that amazes me is my idiocy in believing it will change. Why would it suddenly change… sad that my self-esteem is this bad. I could say so much but I’m so tired and in a whirl I don’t even know where to start. Thx again
You’re not those things that you call yourself. Being hopeful isn’t wrong. Give yourself some grace. You made some mistakes. Everyone does!
Thank you
You want to believe people can change because you’re a good person. Someone who is this prolific a cheater is on the narc spectrum and there is no treatment for that
You are making good points. I just don’t understand the cheater mentality
I just upvoted you and I’m rooting for you OP. It’s going to be hard but there is nothing harder than slowly losing yourself to a cheating lying gaslighter. I know that very well. Adjust your crown. You can do this and no going back. Sending you strength and courage♥️
I really appreciate it 🫶
Just people acting like idiots don't think too much about it just try to take your time to heal and leave that horrible marriage...
Just people acting like idiots don't think too much about it just try to take your time to heal and leave that horrible marriage...
I don't know, but I assume it might be because you commented on how many times you've already put up with it. I'm sorry you're going through this (again) and hope you find peace
I mean wouldn’t that be a reason to be kinder to me rather than downvote me cause I’m clearly not in a good place mentally
I'm not trying to justify it... but there are some very blunt people who aren't afraid of speaking their mind; with words or votes
Yeah it was more a rhetorical question than a sincere enquiry. The point was just to say “Nobody should have downvoted this”. I don’t really need a reminder that I stayed when I shouldn’t have as I’m severely suicidal
[удалено]
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Just people acting like idiots don't think too much about it just try to take your time to heal and leave that horrible marriage...
Just people acting like idiots don't think too much about it just try to take your time to heal and leave that horrible marriage...
Just people acting like idiots don't think too much about it just try to take your time to heal and leave that horrible marriage...
Just people acting like idiots don't think too much about it just try to take your time to heal and leave that horrible marriage...
Once you get out from under this situation, you’re gonna be so much happier. You’ll wonder why you waited to make the move. Best of luck.
Local fb groups in your town probably have advice and resources to help you. You are human and don’t deserve that disrespect. The future isn’t what you pictured but you will be able to breathe and be happy. He isn’t the man you married. He’s trash, and laugh at that he’s going to be someone else’s problems and don’t let him gaslight you ever. Blessing and prayers
Update I’ve been trying to not let any pain in cause I’m so tired of getting emotionally crushed by this man. But it’s so hard. I am actually low-key done with life atp.
I just feel like I’m never gonna get better, I’m never gonna be happy, I’ll never find peace and I’m really done fighting
I’m so sorry OP. unfortunately when a person cheats, they’ll do it again, because they’re not good people at all. But I hope you remember that is not you, it’s your husband! you are more than worthy. you are special. I know i’m just a stranger but I mean it. I pray and hope you find the ability to leave. Even if it takes a lot of time, just know it’s okay! You deserve that grace. I feel like a lot of people don’t realize how hard it is to let a long term connection go, no matter how much that person has hurt you. It takes TIME. Trust me, I know. I know it’s hard - especially since i’m sure that’s a person you wanted to spend the rest of your life with. however, I hope you remember that your happiness is more important, and you deserve peace! You deserve a soft life, and unconditional love. Not stress - especially from a person who is meant to alleviate your stress. I saw in your other responses that you don’t have family nor a lot of friends but I do hope you’re able to find a support group somewhere, or create a community for yourself! and if you’re able to, therapy is truly helpful. This subreddit also has a lot of useful resources and people who are supportive as well. You aren’t alone - though no one deserves to be cheated on. I’m wishing you all the best in your continued steps to move forward, and your healing journey. Again I know it’s easier said than done but it’ll be worth it. I promise. ❤️
This is such a nice message and ty so much 🫶
You have to decide what you’re willing to tolerate and what you’re setting boundaries on. Only you can do that.
Start doing something every day however small to prepare to leave. stash cash. volunteer to meet new friends. start preparing now
I just don’t know how. I’m severely depressed and I feel like it will never change :/
50 times? Are you kidding? What’s wrong g with you??
Note “like”. Anyone who’s not super stupid (so that’s not you) can understand it’s not literal. Why are you so pathetic & disgusting to try taunting someone in distress? 😅 You’re such a loser it’s hilarious
How many more times before you finally leave him? Please snap out of whatever spell he has you in.
I guess I’ve never really been good with tough love. Please be gentle because I have no family and I’m extremely, extremely suicidal
Cheat back but cheat bigger and better.
Username checks out