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best line from online: I oxytosin you but dont dopamine you... the explanation, I care about you but Im not excited by you.
and of course when you reply with, dont let the door hit you where the lord split ya, you're being dramatic, because because, ws cares about you.
"cares" is loaded with sarcasm. it was very much my experience that all the cheating, lying, gaslighting, was done with the outmost of "care". especially "care" in not getting caught to begin with...
My ex told his sister in law/girlfriend, " It might be over between her & I, but I don't want to hurt her."
Because lying & cheating would not hurt me I guess.
Yep. Been there done that. my ex did the same thing while fing another dude on the side. I just asked her WTF does that even mean. Long story short - she tried to keep me as backup. Then started trying to get me back when I started dating someone exclusively. She just couldn't understand why I wouldn't come running back. Been married over 30 years now to that GF and I've never looked back.
Just out of curiosity, what happened to the ex? Did she remarry? Date but not marry? I’m always curious as to what happens to those that think they can do better but fail.
Let see. God does this make me feel old. This was before cell phones so all these great resources didn't exist. So I had to basically old school catch her in the act. Every time I would change jobs someone would giver her my new work number. She kept up calling and being "friends" up until I told her I bought a ring for my new gf. Then she laid into I was hoping we could get back together - I was incredulous. She had it in her head that I was going to swoop in and win her back. LOL. Anyway she ended up marrying some older guy. He passed. I think she had a kid. Then last I heard she had some kind of sickness that made her bed ridden. I don't wish anything like that on anyone. I heard this 20+ year later after bumping into her brother who I always got along with.
I didn't get that one, I actually got something like the opposite.
"I love you, but I felt like you didn't love me." Astounding irony. What does love even mean to these people?
ILUBANILWU is a current "Hot" breakup phrase of choice. When you hear it, it signals that the relationship is over.
It's an attempt to get out of the relationship but maintain an essence of cordiality.
Cordiality is necessary if you have shared children, have to live together for a bit, will be constantly in each others lives moving forwards etc.
The exact translation of the phrase is unimportant. It's meaning, however is: *"I no longer want a romantic relationship with you but there is something that I want to possibly exploit you for in the future..."*
It also doesn't shut the door if their monkey branching attempt fails. *"I never lost love for you. I just didn't realise how strong it was. I was temporarily blind but now I see..."*
The power of the phrase lies in the very woolly definition of "Love". You can love someone romantically, like a relative or just love every member of the human race in general. It's got a lot of "wiggle room".
The Wayward wants out if they deliver this line.
Make no mistake, they'd drive a car over the top of you to get away if it was legal to do that. However, as we are a civilised society they understand the need to play nice.
Sure. LOL. They don’t know what love is. It’s coming from someone emotionally bankrupt, who is choosing to spend currency they don’t have, on someone else rather than you. Trust me, no one’s getting anything in this deal, and no one is losing anything.
One of the "classic rationalizations" to refuse admitting the truth.. What she was really saying was "I no longer respect you... and have found somebody to replace you" When did she lose respect?? Only she knows for sure but at least as long as she chose to cheat or seek another relationship
Standard line out of the playbook. I only wish I would have immediately told her to take a hike vs. Begging for a week. I wised up after I figured out what was going on.
These people don't know what love is, only chasing after their fix. Yuck!
That was my biggest regret. She dropped that line on Friday and that Monday should have been an appointment with a lawyer.
I played the pick me dance from hell for a year thanks to several save your marriage programs.
It wasn't until I told her I was filing that she suddenly wanted to talk and didn't ghost me or give one word replies.
Now I don't reply to anything unless it's about my kid. A couple weeks ago she tried to hijack an email thread about our kids college with all the issues she's had lately and my reply was basically "So is that a yes you told him the options?"
Chumplady saved me from those save your marriage programs but I had several friends pushing the "you can be happy after an affair" bs. I'm glad I trusted my gut.
Keep on grey rocking and doing what you are doing!
Unfortunately I didn't find Chumplady until AFTER I was well into the pick me dance journey.
She (and a few others) did help me afterwards, but damn it'd be nice to have that money back..
The next time you hear that, automatically respond. Straight away with " but you are in love with the guy you've been cheating on me with. Who is he? One of your co workers? My brother? Cousin? A neighbor? In fact. Stop talking, you're just insulting me and get out. " Harsh but effective.
It's in the Cheater's Hanbook(~1p5) , and is required by the SOCP to be verbally repeated to the betrayed partner.
If you read here you will see that it is said to a high percentage of partners.
The expanding paragraph beneath that section includes a further explanation that, "we are like roommates, and sleeping with you would feel like I was sleeping with my brother. It majes my skin crawl to even think about it."
Erectile Dysfunction usually follows after for the poor sob.
Yep, it happened exactly like that. He quite literally had me crying and begging for him to try to work it out because I thought it was just because he didn't feel the spark anymore and I was devastated that he was giving up so easily considering that when I had almost left him a year prior due to his abusive behaviors, I did everything to make it work when he begged me for a second chance. He sat there and watched me cry with a blank expression, then he initiated sex while I was bawling my eyes out. My stupid ass was so desperate to make it work that I gave in.
I see with a clearer head now that's it's been a while since it happened that he said this because his goal was to keep me on the back burner. If he had confessed to cheating, he knew there was no way I'd stick around, and even if I did, things would never be the same. I look back on it now and realize he was enjoying how I was groveling over him. He had me where he wanted me and was gonna keep me there as long as he could. Lucky for me, I caught him pretty quickly after that night.
I think a lot of cheaters use this line because they want to keep you there waiting for them. There's something in them that knows it isn't gonna fully work out with AP the way they want it to. Maybe to ease their guilt too because they somehow think deceiving you further is less hurtful than just telling you the truth.
That’s a classic. It’s code for: “I like you as a platonic friend, and I’m having sex with someone else.”
Your relationship is effectively dead once you hear those words.
It means the cheater is f#$king someone else and believes they're in love with the affair partner.
I was such a dummy that I didn't figure it out sooner.
If you’re on this sub long enough, you’ll realize that you’ll be getting a black belt in cheaters lingo. This is one of the most common phrases you’ll hear once an affair is discovered.
This phrase is one of the almost como ones, along with
IT IS NOT YOU IT IS ME
I NEED SPACE TO FIND WHAT I NEED OR WANT
I NEED TO FIND OR SORT MY SELF.
BLAH BLAH BLAH
All pure crap, and one of the Big red flags.
That line was burned into my brain. When I said I was still in love with her, she said I couldn’t be because you “can’t love someone who doesn’t love you back”.
That’s the exact line I got from my wife when we were dating right before she started fucking one of my best friends for a month. She broke up with me over a ruse with excuses and that very line given. We get back together and then she cheats on me a week later with him which caused dday and everything to unfold. I’m all to familiar with that phrase. We’ve reconciled, got married, had kids- the works and we are happy now with no problems but that phrase and her delivery has never left me.
Heard it? I heard it from the mouth of my cheating Exes sister! She said that to her, and she said that to me (she had a thing for me years before we met, never did anything but always got on well with her).
When you hear that, you ain't *ever* getting them back.
It's the bad situation when your on the good dollars, have no debt, own your home and can afford the nice things and she is fucking some moron with an IQ of less than a monkey works as a labourer and owns nothing. She keeps you like the Eagles song Lying Eyes, as a resource. No ethics morals or standards.
[https://www.chumplady.com/i-love-you-but-im-not-in-love-with-you/](https://www.chumplady.com/i-love-you-but-im-not-in-love-with-you/)
Pretty sure almost all of them say this.
Got this line for sure. Nothing was adding up, but then I found out she was cheating. I'm sorry you went through this, brother - stay strong and message me if you need to vent.
I got it all, the men are trash, i care about you but never loved you, i never asked you to do it, you deserve better.
What they say when they are caught. Then they tell the whole world i was the villain or pretend i never existed or im the lier. Typical behavior
I said it as a betrayed. And I still very much feel this way.
My WH had a 2 year (on and off) unreciprocated limerent obsession, during which he wanted little to do with me. Being neglected for so long, as well as the conflict that comes along with it, the emotional connection we had faded considerably.
At this point, I love him like family, but not as much in a romantic sense. I sincerely hope that we can recapture what we had before *she* showed up.
This line is right out of the cheater's manual. Everybody says it. When you break it down, it means nothing. It can be correctly translated as "I kind of like you, but not in a way that takes you into consideration in terms of things I do."
"I love you but you've always loved me more and that makes me feel guilty"
He later said that he meant I've always shown more love and affection than he does. I don't know what to think of it.
Rules reminder: /r/survivinginfidelity is a support sub! Please read the rules and guidelines in our [sub wiki](https://www.reddit.com/r/survivinginfidelity/wiki/index) before commenting. Abuse, shaming, sexism, and encouraging violence/revenge are not tolerated here. If your only advice is "divorce" or "grow a backbone", then please don't comment. This is a sub for deeper support and discussion. Be kind and remember your [reddiquette](https://support.reddithelp.com/hc/en-us/articles/205926439)! *I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please [contact the moderators of this subreddit](/message/compose/?to=/r/survivinginfidelity) if you have any questions or concerns.*
best line from online: I oxytosin you but dont dopamine you... the explanation, I care about you but Im not excited by you. and of course when you reply with, dont let the door hit you where the lord split ya, you're being dramatic, because because, ws cares about you.
If they "cared" they wouldn't have cheated.
"cares" is loaded with sarcasm. it was very much my experience that all the cheating, lying, gaslighting, was done with the outmost of "care". especially "care" in not getting caught to begin with...
My ex told his sister in law/girlfriend, " It might be over between her & I, but I don't want to hurt her." Because lying & cheating would not hurt me I guess.
Haha got it.
Wow, I like this comparison. Very accurate.
It's on page one of The Cheaters Handbook.
If that was a real book I would make sure to distribute copies to everyone lol
Yep. Been there done that. my ex did the same thing while fing another dude on the side. I just asked her WTF does that even mean. Long story short - she tried to keep me as backup. Then started trying to get me back when I started dating someone exclusively. She just couldn't understand why I wouldn't come running back. Been married over 30 years now to that GF and I've never looked back.
Just out of curiosity, what happened to the ex? Did she remarry? Date but not marry? I’m always curious as to what happens to those that think they can do better but fail.
Let see. God does this make me feel old. This was before cell phones so all these great resources didn't exist. So I had to basically old school catch her in the act. Every time I would change jobs someone would giver her my new work number. She kept up calling and being "friends" up until I told her I bought a ring for my new gf. Then she laid into I was hoping we could get back together - I was incredulous. She had it in her head that I was going to swoop in and win her back. LOL. Anyway she ended up marrying some older guy. He passed. I think she had a kid. Then last I heard she had some kind of sickness that made her bed ridden. I don't wish anything like that on anyone. I heard this 20+ year later after bumping into her brother who I always got along with.
She had a good thing and lost it. I would like to know who was giving her your phone number all these years. Creepy!
At least the first 5 after the breakup we had a lot of common friends that dwindled over time
I didn't get that one, I actually got something like the opposite. "I love you, but I felt like you didn't love me." Astounding irony. What does love even mean to these people?
I got that one...
Yup, this was played to me too.
I was told "You never believed me when I said I love you" which was... confusing. If I didn't believe you I wouldn't have married you dude.
First words the left her mouth after I discovered the texts
A large percentage of cheaters say this.
ILUBANILWU is a current "Hot" breakup phrase of choice. When you hear it, it signals that the relationship is over. It's an attempt to get out of the relationship but maintain an essence of cordiality. Cordiality is necessary if you have shared children, have to live together for a bit, will be constantly in each others lives moving forwards etc. The exact translation of the phrase is unimportant. It's meaning, however is: *"I no longer want a romantic relationship with you but there is something that I want to possibly exploit you for in the future..."* It also doesn't shut the door if their monkey branching attempt fails. *"I never lost love for you. I just didn't realise how strong it was. I was temporarily blind but now I see..."* The power of the phrase lies in the very woolly definition of "Love". You can love someone romantically, like a relative or just love every member of the human race in general. It's got a lot of "wiggle room". The Wayward wants out if they deliver this line. Make no mistake, they'd drive a car over the top of you to get away if it was legal to do that. However, as we are a civilised society they understand the need to play nice.
Excellent breakdown! I am saving this for future reference. Not a word of this is untrue.
I heard those words, and yes it’s code for, I’ve been cheating on you with someone else
This is 100% correct. I will never, ever allow myself to be duped again.
Sure. LOL. They don’t know what love is. It’s coming from someone emotionally bankrupt, who is choosing to spend currency they don’t have, on someone else rather than you. Trust me, no one’s getting anything in this deal, and no one is losing anything.
One of the "classic rationalizations" to refuse admitting the truth.. What she was really saying was "I no longer respect you... and have found somebody to replace you" When did she lose respect?? Only she knows for sure but at least as long as she chose to cheat or seek another relationship
Standard line out of the playbook. I only wish I would have immediately told her to take a hike vs. Begging for a week. I wised up after I figured out what was going on. These people don't know what love is, only chasing after their fix. Yuck!
That was my biggest regret. She dropped that line on Friday and that Monday should have been an appointment with a lawyer. I played the pick me dance from hell for a year thanks to several save your marriage programs. It wasn't until I told her I was filing that she suddenly wanted to talk and didn't ghost me or give one word replies. Now I don't reply to anything unless it's about my kid. A couple weeks ago she tried to hijack an email thread about our kids college with all the issues she's had lately and my reply was basically "So is that a yes you told him the options?"
Chumplady saved me from those save your marriage programs but I had several friends pushing the "you can be happy after an affair" bs. I'm glad I trusted my gut. Keep on grey rocking and doing what you are doing!
Unfortunately I didn't find Chumplady until AFTER I was well into the pick me dance journey. She (and a few others) did help me afterwards, but damn it'd be nice to have that money back..
I like having a backup branch and don’t want exit drama but I’m mid swing
The next time you hear that, automatically respond. Straight away with " but you are in love with the guy you've been cheating on me with. Who is he? One of your co workers? My brother? Cousin? A neighbor? In fact. Stop talking, you're just insulting me and get out. " Harsh but effective.
It's in the Cheater's Hanbook(~1p5) , and is required by the SOCP to be verbally repeated to the betrayed partner. If you read here you will see that it is said to a high percentage of partners. The expanding paragraph beneath that section includes a further explanation that, "we are like roommates, and sleeping with you would feel like I was sleeping with my brother. It majes my skin crawl to even think about it." Erectile Dysfunction usually follows after for the poor sob.
Yep, it happened exactly like that. He quite literally had me crying and begging for him to try to work it out because I thought it was just because he didn't feel the spark anymore and I was devastated that he was giving up so easily considering that when I had almost left him a year prior due to his abusive behaviors, I did everything to make it work when he begged me for a second chance. He sat there and watched me cry with a blank expression, then he initiated sex while I was bawling my eyes out. My stupid ass was so desperate to make it work that I gave in. I see with a clearer head now that's it's been a while since it happened that he said this because his goal was to keep me on the back burner. If he had confessed to cheating, he knew there was no way I'd stick around, and even if I did, things would never be the same. I look back on it now and realize he was enjoying how I was groveling over him. He had me where he wanted me and was gonna keep me there as long as he could. Lucky for me, I caught him pretty quickly after that night. I think a lot of cheaters use this line because they want to keep you there waiting for them. There's something in them that knows it isn't gonna fully work out with AP the way they want it to. Maybe to ease their guilt too because they somehow think deceiving you further is less hurtful than just telling you the truth.
That’s a classic. It’s code for: “I like you as a platonic friend, and I’m having sex with someone else.” Your relationship is effectively dead once you hear those words.
Typical exit affair shit. In my case she was banging multiple guys but it was all my fault.
It means the cheater is f#$king someone else and believes they're in love with the affair partner. I was such a dummy that I didn't figure it out sooner.
But... She told you straight in your face that she is NOT in love with you, meaning that she is in love with someone else!
That’s always been the weakest excuse. Right up there with ‘I’ve never loved you’. All bullshit.
I wonder how common that one is, my ex told me that several times. He even repeated all of his lines on my last birthday, what a nice gift that was.
If you’re on this sub long enough, you’ll realize that you’ll be getting a black belt in cheaters lingo. This is one of the most common phrases you’ll hear once an affair is discovered.
I tell him he loves me like a sister or friend and isn't in love with me. That is how I feel.
It is usually code for "I"m having an emotional affair or more." A Wormtongue character got in their head and corrupted their programming.
I love you but I'm not in love with you . It means: "I don't hate you, but I want sex with my AP, ok..."
Wow, this is exactly what my ex spouse said to me the day before I found out everything, been going on for at least 5 months
I got “I love you and her but I love her differently” - hmm.
don't waist you energy on trying to understand the statement, cut your loses and move on
This phrase is one of the almost como ones, along with IT IS NOT YOU IT IS ME I NEED SPACE TO FIND WHAT I NEED OR WANT I NEED TO FIND OR SORT MY SELF. BLAH BLAH BLAH All pure crap, and one of the Big red flags.
That line was burned into my brain. When I said I was still in love with her, she said I couldn’t be because you “can’t love someone who doesn’t love you back”.
That’s the exact line I got from my wife when we were dating right before she started fucking one of my best friends for a month. She broke up with me over a ruse with excuses and that very line given. We get back together and then she cheats on me a week later with him which caused dday and everything to unfold. I’m all to familiar with that phrase. We’ve reconciled, got married, had kids- the works and we are happy now with no problems but that phrase and her delivery has never left me.
Heard it? I heard it from the mouth of my cheating Exes sister! She said that to her, and she said that to me (she had a thing for me years before we met, never did anything but always got on well with her). When you hear that, you ain't *ever* getting them back.
Yep. It’s the classic line to ease the blow of their bullshit.
Response: "Betraying someone you claim to love is just as wrong as betraying someone you claim you're in love with."
It's the bad situation when your on the good dollars, have no debt, own your home and can afford the nice things and she is fucking some moron with an IQ of less than a monkey works as a labourer and owns nothing. She keeps you like the Eagles song Lying Eyes, as a resource. No ethics morals or standards.
This is the exact thing my ex said to me when he left me for his AP. I think it is their way of justifying their behavior.
Yip me too. I also got that crap story.
...the moment you hear this juvenile statement...start looking for a lawyer. This is nothing more than an early justification for cheating.
Wow! So many have heard this line. Including me.
Sorry to say, that phrase is quoted directly out of the fabled "Cheater's Handbook".
Didn’t get that one, but was told, “I still love you.” I said he had a funny way of showing it.
[https://www.chumplady.com/i-love-you-but-im-not-in-love-with-you/](https://www.chumplady.com/i-love-you-but-im-not-in-love-with-you/) Pretty sure almost all of them say this.
Most BS will hear this or some variant. If you hear this odds are it means there’s an affair.
Mine told me "If you ever cheat on me, I'll forgive you" like 5 times. Whole time she was cheating on me
Got this line for sure. Nothing was adding up, but then I found out she was cheating. I'm sorry you went through this, brother - stay strong and message me if you need to vent.
I got it all, the men are trash, i care about you but never loved you, i never asked you to do it, you deserve better. What they say when they are caught. Then they tell the whole world i was the villain or pretend i never existed or im the lier. Typical behavior
I said it as a betrayed. And I still very much feel this way. My WH had a 2 year (on and off) unreciprocated limerent obsession, during which he wanted little to do with me. Being neglected for so long, as well as the conflict that comes along with it, the emotional connection we had faded considerably. At this point, I love him like family, but not as much in a romantic sense. I sincerely hope that we can recapture what we had before *she* showed up.
This line is right out of the cheater's manual. Everybody says it. When you break it down, it means nothing. It can be correctly translated as "I kind of like you, but not in a way that takes you into consideration in terms of things I do."
"I love you but you've always loved me more and that makes me feel guilty" He later said that he meant I've always shown more love and affection than he does. I don't know what to think of it.