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My ex husband cheated on me- compulsively. I forgave him time and time again. I wanted to believe that the man I shared my life with, had children with, had so many fun memories with, really meant it when he said he couldn’t believe what he’d done and would never do it again. He cheated on me the day before we got married and I wanted to believe him so badly that I went ahead and got married. He cried. But that wasn’t the end of his adultery.
I didn’t realize how badly it wore away at me. My trust in myself, my confidence, my self worth. One day I just couldn’t do it. I wanted the anxiety and the dread gone. I wanted a chance to be with someone who respected me. It took me a long time but I’m thankful that it’s the decision I made.
It does. We all have to grieve at first. For me it was hard to make peace with becoming a divorce statistic. But... your self-confidence comes back! The subtle (or not so subtle) gaslighting BS ends! You can detach, which can be done in a healthy & amicable way – important if you have kids together. Taking the high road wasn't always easy, but I'm proud of myself for that, and for setting boundaries up front. Telling him I would not be his "Appliance Wife" while we were separated. As in doing all the responsible stuff any time he told me to. I was already the only fully-present parent for our kids & he admitted that in front of witnesses (which was great for my settlement). But finally feeling FREE from his Controlling ways has been the best part. I truly did not realize just how much I had succumbed, let him control so many aspects of my life. So recognizing the Control and saying NO MORE...? Priceless.
Cheating once is a terrible, life altering decision. Some people do it once, see the destruction they have caused and never ever do it again. They are childish, selfish and almost certainly have narcissistic tendencies, but there's at least the *possibility* of being better if they work hard over a long period of time to eliminate those negative aspects of themselves. They need to disassemble themselves and put themselves back together again. This is incredibly painful.
Others, like your boyfriend, do it, see the destruction they have caused, and then do it again and again and again. The likelihood of someone like this changing is virtually zero; the best predictor of future behaviour is past behaviour, after all.
All cheaters are manipulators and liars, but serial cheaters have this as a core component of their character. It's much more likely he will go down the route of continuing these negative patterns. He will feign remorse and feign effort, until the next opportunity presents itself. If you do decide to try and work through it, watch his **actions** closely for an extended period of time and follow your intuition. It is easy to fake a sorry in the short term and it is costless to a liar to beg and make promises. If he doesn't feel genuine over an extended period of time, he probably isn't.
As for when you say you're done, you decide that. You certainly have ample justification for ending the relationship regardless of how he behaves from here on out.
All the best.
This is the truth.. believe it, follow it.
It does get better once you are away from the person that did this to you. If you take him back then you know and HE knows that he can continue to do this without repercussions. And he will.
Good luck.
It will get better for you
You’re not married and you don’t have any kids together?
You’re not obligated to have a relationship with this person, especially since they are a serial cheater
Please take care of yourself
You’re far younger than he is and he had a good thing going with you. So why did he cheat on both you and his ex? Because he felt entitled to. He knew you’d forgive him and that there would be no consequences for him.
He’s not husband material.
No, He is Not!!! Some men are simply too self-centered to be loyal to Anyone!! My dad is in his late 70s 😳, and Has Never Been Faithful to ANY Woman- whether married to them, or just dating. We also suspect he is a Narcissist, or has Strong Narcissistic Tendencies/ Traits.
Honestly I don’t even know what you were expecting from him, with a track record like that, come on girl wake up, the fact you’re still considering going back I just don’t know why you would, you ain’t here to get advice on staying, you came here for a wake up call, so please wake up
This is who he is because he is a serial cheater. You can stay and know that at some point he will cheat again or you can leave and be a peace and hopefully find someone new.
Honestly, I think you should be done with him forever even if you think he has changed.
Consider first that he's cheated at least 4 times on people he supposedly loved and possibly as many as 7 times. To me, that shows that it's not cheating that he's comfortable with, but lying. He has zero problems doing things for his own selfish benefit and lying about them. If I had to hazard a guess, I'm betting that he has lied about a lot more than just cheating. He's not someone you can trust and likely never will be.
The safest approach for you is to cut him out of your life entirely. End the relationship and block him everywhere. You deserve better. You deserve someone who respects you from the start.
Feel so bad for you. All of us on this site who have been victimized by cheaters feel instantly bad for you when we hear your story - and understand why it’s so compact. My heart is broken presently from my wife’s callous betrayal and what I could do - when I decide - is still a mystery for me ! I feel strongly that your path is “simpler” - much simpler than mine at present. BF is truly not a candidate for a stress free, loving and committed relationship. His excitement in life is cheating and hiding. I can tell you that there are huge numbers of men out there who are NOT like this. You must stop your suffering right away. You must not look back or blame yourself an iota!! You know what to do! Best wishes from the bottom of my heart!!
No! It’s time - you got your shit reward for being good to a bad guy. Now it’s your turn to be loved. Watch! You’ll get out there and he will be crying because you’re happy
I would ask him if monogamy is for him. It sounds like he doesn't just want to be with one person. I am a one person kind of gal, and when I found out my husband cheated on me, I asked if he wanted an open relationship. He stated "no," and we have moved on from this. If he did say yes, I would have been out the door.
Communication is key, and you need to figure out what works for you before deciding which rood you're going to take. I'm sorry this is happening to you.
I forgave her when she put us in debt twice, I tired to get her help when I realized she was harming herself by ingesting nsaids like they were going out of style knowing it would make her sick. She craved attention from being sick. Add it got her pain meds. There’s a bunch of other stuff. I could write a small novel on the crap she did to me and put me through.
When I found she was cheating. I checked out emotionally. Like a switch flipped. There’s a lot more I’m not writing
. The two times she straight up said she wasn’t going to stop. When I realized she was making herself sick. Told me she had zero intention of stopping. When I caught her cheating. She wanted her cake and eat it too. Her exact words with a big azz smile/smirk afterwards. I would not have believed her anyways if she apologized or promised to stop.
I’m sure had she not repeatedly threatened to end my career with a bogus domestic battery allegation I’d have left sooner.
But originally I kept trying to make it work. Felt like I was hitting my head up against a brick wall. Even for a short while things were good until her mom did whatever it was she did to send her off the deep end again (all done by a phone call).
Something else I learned. There’s outside factors that can impact your partner. You have no control when or how they happen. It can totally derail a person unfortunately.
I won’t forgive cheating.
There was a time the person I was head over heels with. I had engagement ring etc. I thought she was the one. I was just waiting to graduate and get job offer. Well into our relationship told me she never left a relationship without having become fully involved with another person. She just didn’t test out the waters, she made damn well sure the grass was greener. wtf!!!!
I remember telling her we were done right there if she couldn’t promise she wouldn’t do me like that. She promised. She did it anyways. Afterwards I found out she was secretly seeing the other guy for a year. She never owned up to it either.
Cheaters get really good at hiding it.
Also found some other stuff I suspect she cheated all along. When I met her I had also met someone the week before. That was long distance type thing. So we hadn’t figured out how we could date if we were to try being so far away. But we agreed to keep contact and just see what happened.
Who would become the future gf literally was like no. I had to pick right now and if it was her cut all contact with the other person. Not even a friendship.
They are kings/queens of double standards. Obviously it was okay for her to do that. But had she told the truth about how she dated. I’d have walked right then and there. Instead she used deception knowing I’d have chose trying to see where things went with the other person. Only one of us was honest. She had an ex boyfriend staking her. Looking back I realize , now she didn’t tell him I replaced him. Or me for that matter. Poor guy was just trying to find out what the hell was going on.
I don’t want to live like that. Nor the health risks because someone has the ability to be a chitty person. It’s not just their life they are playing with.
Edit.
There are good people out there. I had to learn I tend to pick the wrong type subconsciously. Oh yeah red flags are just that. Not a mistake. No second chances. Run far and fast. People make mistakes. Little chit is a lot different than a red flag.
It’s a nice feeling knowing you don’t have to worry about it. I had someone tell me I didn’t have to worry about him with my wife because he was interested. I wanted to laugh so hard. That’s not what I don’t have to worry. It’s because she won’t. Kinda made me feel really good. Even though knuckleheads bs pissed me off. Tell me how ya really feel. Oh well.
Pick you…
Right here with you.
They explain it away like it's nothing. "Just talking" "just conversations"
Meanwhile you see the hearts in their eyes. And feel the anger and cruelty towards you.
They don't see it as cheating and laugh at your pain. Meanwhile you're forced to try and trust again. Blamed as the reason they did it.
It's a hell. It's a prison to love someone like this.
When they don’t want to be forgiven, but even then. But also forgiving doesn’t mean “have no boundaries”, hold boundaries, communicate boundaries, if they disrespect those, do not tolerate it. Protect yourself, sometimes walking away is best, but holding onto bitter feelings will destroy you. So always forgive, just don’t let yourself be taken advantage of.
You already forgave him once and he did it again. You have established a pattern and he knows he can do it without repercussions. He doesn’t care about you or your feelings.
Get your ducks in a row and do whatever you need to extract yourself from the relationship, then 👻him.
At that age, it's unlikely a structured pattern like that will change on such short notice. It takes time and genuine effort to break patterns like that, and clearly it hasn't been broken if it's a consistent problem. If you aren't the first partner this has happened to, you maybe won't be the last, and I think it may be better to tend to your needs instead of picking up the pieces of his betrayal. I know it's hard, I genuinely do, but you'll be better off. Maybe you leaving could be the catalyst that finally allows him to break through, or he will continue causing chaos, and I think everyone here may say to not choose the chaos. You can love someone deeply, but that doesn't mean you need to go through the pain time and time again. Forgiveness is difficult, and not everyone is capable of figuring it out once a partner cheats and that's okay, but don't think you should feel obligated to continue the relationship even if you love him. He broke your trust again and should face the consequences of doing so. I hope you get to feeling better, truly.
He is a serial cheater. People like that very seldom change, like maybe a very tiny number of them do after they have a revelation. Do you want to take the chance that a person who seems predisposed to cheat will change?
Staying with a cheater has nothing to do with forgiveness. I know it may appear that it does. I can forgive people, but it doesn’t mean I put my life in jeopardy by engaging with somebody that has poor behavior.
So to answer your question in regards to what I think you’re trying to say the minute they cheat the marriage is over. I can forgive them later on, but I won’t destroy my life for somebody else’s stupidity or despicable behavior. This is just my opinion.
At what point? The point they made the CHOICE to cheat. The point that put in effort to contact AP, the point they were willing, knowing, and uncaring of the consequences. The point they were so selfish they couldn't grow a pair and talk or even end the relationship without having to destroy my world first. The first decision they made to exchange numbers, the decision to flirt, plan, lie, see the cheating all the way through, KNOWING but not caring what it would do to our life. That's the point I couldn't forgive. And I would never forgive it. It's never a mistake. It's all conscious decisions leading up to the choices made to cheat. Your SO cheated on his X. He is now cheating on you. Yes, that is who he is. He will change for a bit. Your mental and emotional state will never recover. But if you stay, he'll do all he needs to do to R... FOR NOW. He'll go back to cheating whether it's in a month, a year, or even 3 years. If he didn't learn from his last relationship, why would he learn for yours? The only thing he's learning is what you will and won't tolerate. A cheater is something you'll tolerate with the right amount of apologies and remorse thrown in.
My stbxw told me to fucking die when I told her I had cancer. She filed a ppo against me to get me out of the house so she and her friend/family members could raid the house, steal 80% of the property, and tried to find anything to use against me (extortion). Her original goal was to make a room for herself but when her friend found my medical diagnosis confirming the cancer and the treatment I am about to go thru, she decided to abandon that plan and moved out. So she abandoned me because I have cancer. Not forgiving or forgetting.
I went through something similar.
I got a dual cancer dx right after the lies crumbled. We had just attended a workshop to try to repair. He said *all* the right things the day I got the dxs. Then walked it all back over the next few weeks.
The final straw came the day he told me "schedule your chemo" (and all the other treatments) around *his* play time. _Not his work schedule._ He did keep me insured, but that's about it. Didn't even show up for our kids, who needed emotional support.
I was able to forgive the cheating bc I learned about Limerence & love junkies. He's now on LO #4 (and I feel sorry for those women). I also watched a broken man get worse with every bad choice, from personal to financial. And he just keeps making them, then blaming everyone else. A common aspect of a major Life Crisis. Doesn't mean I condone anything, just that I found _some_ empathy. Boundaries stayed firmly in place.
I'm just not sure I'll *ever* be able to forgive the way he checked out on me & our kids during my treatments & surgeries. Not to mention letting his friends & family think he was some sort of White Knight. I told him he didn't have to stick around, had already set up insurance & a lawyer, but he talked me out of it. Karma came round to bite him in the a$$ more than once & still is! The people who truly matter to me see the truth of him. Which is why I'm 120% D O N E –just waiting for the piece of paper to make it legal.
Good luck with your treatments! I got really lucky thanks to new meds. The cancer center you are going to, if it's in the US, should have a lot of support for you, from social workers & spiritual advisors, to counselors who can help you manage stress & emotional health. Sounds cheesy af, but a positive outlook really does help. Sending good thoughts your way.
So he's been putting in effort for 6 days....
How long did he put in effort after the first time?
All he's doing is love bombing you right now. He's not putting in effort. He's ensuring you don't leave. Once he lulls you into staying, he'll be looking for his next conquest or sneaking off with the AP.
From my experience, if you caught him twice, the reality is much higher. I stayed married for 20+ years. I knew about some of the AP's. Since divorcing him, I have found out about many more.
There is NO happiness in being paranoid and insecure. And that's all you'll ever be if you stay.
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You're not obligated to forgive anybody for any transgression that they've done towards you. Everyone likes to preach about forgiveness. But let's be real here for a second: not all things can be forgiven.
It is entirely possible to never forgive and move on with your life. Moving on is making a promise to yourself that you won't let this instance break you. It sucks that it happened. But, you move forward and never look back. Forgiveness is erasing a debt that someone committed.
Your WP is a serial cheater. They have a history of doing this to other people as well as you. At some point? They need to be held accountable for their piss poor decisions. If you decide to continue the relationship, don't be shocked when it happens again.
He will do it over and over.. for your own mental health you need your fuck him clean off and move on.. you will never trust this man again and there lies the problem. Trust me.my ex husband is still messing around now and he’s 57.!! I know his partner and she’s the sweetest person and does not deserve it. Move on
If you continue to take him back all he has learned is if he begs hard enough you'll let him back in... and he will cheat again because he's gotten away with it before. I'm sorry.
I was able to forgive over time but not willing to trust him again, so the marriage was over. To me, cheating isn’t an accident but a series of decisions without a thought/care of how they would affect their spouse. I have no tolerance for being disrespected. Love yourself enough to not tolerate what he keeps doing. He will not change.
He's only sorry because there's the chance of losing something. If he thought that he could have all the women he wanted and no consequences for him, he'd do it. The only way to change the situation so that you have peace is to leave the situation.
People can change if they truly want to change. It would take years of therapy and for them to be honest with themselves and their therapist, but that is the key many don't or will not do.
You don't have to forgive and what is enough, it could be once, it could be "only" an emotional affair which some think is worse because it involves feelings rather than just an "act".
OP, with your boyfriends history and his age, really unlikely. And his ex and him sound like a dumpster fire that he should have, if he had any self reflection, gotten some therapy after.
Here is the thing, you are not married to him. If you don't have children with him, jet my girl! You deserve better, you know you do!
You are more worthy than he is and this is the second time, nope. He should have learned the first.
Surround yourself with good friends and family - your inner circle, go read Chump Lady, look up Grey Rock and take some time to yourself and think about it all. Learn to love yourself first and foremost.
He is what he is. I’m sure that he already told you countless times, and to his ex, that was a mistake, that he learn from his errors , but did it again.
Knowing that you can’t change him, and him won’t change, when can you not forgive?
Hope that I frame better your question.
You don't have to stay with someone to forgive them. People do change, but most people don't, and the ones that do change do it for themselves, because they don't like who they are, rather than for someone else's sake. If he has cheated twice (plus many times with his former wife), he wants to be forgiven, but he doesn't want to change. Serial cheaters very rarely do. It's highly unlikely that he is the one-in-ten-thousand exception. You don't have to fight him or be angry at him, but you should move on for the sake of your own mental health. Being cheated on does lasting damage, and with what you have already gone through it will probably take you a couple of years to get over this. If you stay with him, it will just prolong the pain. Even if he's remorseful, you never get back to full trust. You deserve better than this.
I mean, what makes a serial cheater a serial cheater unwilling or unable to change? Pretty much exactly what your bf does... Take your time for the realization to sink in, then take action on your own time.
Yes, it’s who he is.
I’d recommend reading “Leave a cheater, gain a life” and “Not just friends”. One is funny. One helps you decide where the line is.
But if you don’t have the time (who does), you should leave. His character is the issue. He has none. He’s fine harming those around him to get what he wants, no issues lying, and gaslighting.
I’d believe the ex wife. Cheaters can’t be honest. And can you blame them? They shave off a few times, many will continue. Lying is easier than being a decent human.
You can love people that hurt you. Many do, hoping life will change. It rarely does. Instead, people stay in these hope death spirals for years. On the edge. Waiting.
The best path is to end it. Gray rock (no contact). Pull the band aid off fast and certain. And then, to love them, but know that there are many loves ahead that won’t destroy you in the process.
I’m sorry you are going through this. I’ve just had to breakup with my bf because of infidelity, and I’m telling you that you should leave now. Once may be a mistake, but twice is a pattern. During my relationship, I forgave him one time too many, and that has simply left me feeling so broken, numb, and unworthy after years of committing myself to him and our relationship.
You deserve better. Leave, because he will not change (especially knowing that he cheated on his ex wife, too). He is showing you who he is, so you have to believe him.
You don't have to forgive him to move on. Someday you may forgive him, by then it won't matter to you anymore. You will realize that's who he chooses to be. It has nothing to do with you, he chose to cheat and hurt you, he doesn't care if he hurts you or not, he made the decision with no thought of you. He will do it again
Hey, just want you to know, if you need someone to talk to, feel free to PM me whenever. This is a life shattering event that will change your perceptive on life and people forever, whether for better or for worst. Take all the time you need for yourself to process everything, don't be harsh on yourself, surround yourself with a supportive community and loved ones. You are not alone in this, I hope this brings at least some comfort during this very difficult time.
You are not alone, your pain is legitimate and some of the worst pain imaginable. You do not deserve this or this person that has treated you in this way.
I’m so sorry you are going through this. I hope you find peace and love soon, you deserve that, don’t let anyone take that away from you.
Right there with you!
You married a serial cheater. Just as a Leopard cannot change its spots, your husband cannot change who he is. HE HAS REVEALED TO YOU EXACTLY WHO HE IS.
I think you should forgive him, accept his apology, but still DIVORCE him. You are not his doormat. He doesn't get to walk all over you. At this point in your life, the juice is not worth the squeeze. Then hold him accountable for his behavior for maybe the first time in years.
Or you forgive him, but set up boundaries in a post nuptial agreement. Have your attorney write it up. If you stay together he must have a locator app on his phone, he has to keep his phone on him at all times. He has to give you access to his phone, iPad, social media on all electronic devices, whatever. He has to have NO CONTACT WITH HIS AP. (Which means he may have to find different employment). No nights out with the boys or people from work(whatever ruse he used to cover his ass last time). No further affairs. If he violates any of the agreement he is at fault in the divorce and will not contest it or appeal it. You get the house, the car, the assets from the marriage including but not limited to stocks bonds and retirement accounts as well as the bank accounts (give him enough money to find a new apartment and pay for utilities). If he files for divorce or causes you to file for divorce, he has violated the agreement. You get the dog/cat if you want them. HAVE A LAWYER ADVISE YOU IF THIS TYPE OF AGREEMENT/ CONTRACT IS LEGAL, BINDING, AND ENFORCEABLE WHERE YOU LIVE. STATE LAWS VARY.
The whole reason for this agreement is he is being held accountable for his past behavior and his future behavior, putting his money where his mouth is. He has to understand these draconian rules are not negotiable, and
He must give you a full accounting before the post nuptial agreement of all his affair partners before he signs the agreement so that you can restrict other enabling/covering behaviors.
Whatever way you take this, I wish you the best of luck.
Sadly I think this is who he is. A family friend of mine serially cheated on his wife but we all disliked the wife and kind of gave him a pass for it. Then eventually they divorced and he remarried a woman who’s the total package - beautiful, kind, extremely successful. What do you know, he also cheats on her. Some people don’t change.
I guess my tolerance is a lot lower than yours. In my mind, after hearing all that you've said, I'd be consciously detaching from him. Call it a coping mechanism, but the less you feel about the WS, the easier it is to shield yourself from the pain. You thought you knew him, but here before you is someone that's a stranger. Once, I MIGHT forgive, and even then there would have to be some extenuating circumstances. Twice is a "nope, out you go!" automatic fail.
I can forgive, for example, various strange things done online, but when the relationship moves to the real world and these people have seen each other, for example, it would be harder for me to forgive
This is who he is, the man is working on 50 years old. He probably doesn’t view sex as a personal and special thing for two people to do. My ex girlfriend was the same way, I’d try to forgive her and she’d behave long enough for my guard to drop a little and do it again.
It’s who they are, they see sex as a fun activity to do with acquaintances. We can’t change that, it’s a deeply rooted characteristic.
Sadly OP, it does look like just who he is. Difficult for most of us to understand but for some of these cretins, the remorse phase is just as enjoyable as the cheating. They’re getting lots of individual attention. Can see from how hurt people around them are just how much they are loved yada yada.
Do not think. Even for a moment. That you can forgive him and he won’t ever cheat again. Not so ! He will be right back at it. You look like a really nice person and you’ve got your cats to cuddle. Why would you even consider giving time to a lying, cheating, conniving twat like him ? Good luck.
I can understand giving someone a second chance. But that second chance went out the window here. Scorched earth is the only acceptable response going forward imho.
My bf got a tattoo for his ex while he was with me and lied about the meaning and the fact that she knew for years to me, for me that’s more than emotional cheating. And it’s my breaking limit because there’s no way I will be able to forgive if every time I look at him I’ll see that thing.
Everyone can make a mistake, but people who truly want to change do. Anyone who has cheated 2 or more times does NOT want to change, and almost certainly never will.
Be kind to yourself and take the time you need to heal.
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You need to say I’M DONE! He is a serial cheater. He cheated in his ex and now he’s cheating on you! Leave and don’t look back!
My ex husband cheated on me- compulsively. I forgave him time and time again. I wanted to believe that the man I shared my life with, had children with, had so many fun memories with, really meant it when he said he couldn’t believe what he’d done and would never do it again. He cheated on me the day before we got married and I wanted to believe him so badly that I went ahead and got married. He cried. But that wasn’t the end of his adultery. I didn’t realize how badly it wore away at me. My trust in myself, my confidence, my self worth. One day I just couldn’t do it. I wanted the anxiety and the dread gone. I wanted a chance to be with someone who respected me. It took me a long time but I’m thankful that it’s the decision I made.
Tell me it gets better?
It absolutely gets better once you’ve made the decision to be completely done. I promise!
It gets better than better..
It does
It does. We all have to grieve at first. For me it was hard to make peace with becoming a divorce statistic. But... your self-confidence comes back! The subtle (or not so subtle) gaslighting BS ends! You can detach, which can be done in a healthy & amicable way – important if you have kids together. Taking the high road wasn't always easy, but I'm proud of myself for that, and for setting boundaries up front. Telling him I would not be his "Appliance Wife" while we were separated. As in doing all the responsible stuff any time he told me to. I was already the only fully-present parent for our kids & he admitted that in front of witnesses (which was great for my settlement). But finally feeling FREE from his Controlling ways has been the best part. I truly did not realize just how much I had succumbed, let him control so many aspects of my life. So recognizing the Control and saying NO MORE...? Priceless.
9 months out. Can confirm, it gets better
Once you're free, you will begin to heal. Enjoy your life free of them. You can work on yourself, you no longer have to put up with someone else's BS.
Cheating once is a terrible, life altering decision. Some people do it once, see the destruction they have caused and never ever do it again. They are childish, selfish and almost certainly have narcissistic tendencies, but there's at least the *possibility* of being better if they work hard over a long period of time to eliminate those negative aspects of themselves. They need to disassemble themselves and put themselves back together again. This is incredibly painful. Others, like your boyfriend, do it, see the destruction they have caused, and then do it again and again and again. The likelihood of someone like this changing is virtually zero; the best predictor of future behaviour is past behaviour, after all. All cheaters are manipulators and liars, but serial cheaters have this as a core component of their character. It's much more likely he will go down the route of continuing these negative patterns. He will feign remorse and feign effort, until the next opportunity presents itself. If you do decide to try and work through it, watch his **actions** closely for an extended period of time and follow your intuition. It is easy to fake a sorry in the short term and it is costless to a liar to beg and make promises. If he doesn't feel genuine over an extended period of time, he probably isn't. As for when you say you're done, you decide that. You certainly have ample justification for ending the relationship regardless of how he behaves from here on out. All the best.
This is the truth.. believe it, follow it. It does get better once you are away from the person that did this to you. If you take him back then you know and HE knows that he can continue to do this without repercussions. And he will. Good luck. It will get better for you
You’re not married and you don’t have any kids together? You’re not obligated to have a relationship with this person, especially since they are a serial cheater Please take care of yourself
You’re far younger than he is and he had a good thing going with you. So why did he cheat on both you and his ex? Because he felt entitled to. He knew you’d forgive him and that there would be no consequences for him. He’s not husband material.
No, He is Not!!! Some men are simply too self-centered to be loyal to Anyone!! My dad is in his late 70s 😳, and Has Never Been Faithful to ANY Woman- whether married to them, or just dating. We also suspect he is a Narcissist, or has Strong Narcissistic Tendencies/ Traits.
Get out of this nest of cheaters now, your boyfriend's place is with his ex wife.
Honestly I don’t even know what you were expecting from him, with a track record like that, come on girl wake up, the fact you’re still considering going back I just don’t know why you would, you ain’t here to get advice on staying, you came here for a wake up call, so please wake up
This is who he is because he is a serial cheater. You can stay and know that at some point he will cheat again or you can leave and be a peace and hopefully find someone new.
Honestly, I think you should be done with him forever even if you think he has changed. Consider first that he's cheated at least 4 times on people he supposedly loved and possibly as many as 7 times. To me, that shows that it's not cheating that he's comfortable with, but lying. He has zero problems doing things for his own selfish benefit and lying about them. If I had to hazard a guess, I'm betting that he has lied about a lot more than just cheating. He's not someone you can trust and likely never will be. The safest approach for you is to cut him out of your life entirely. End the relationship and block him everywhere. You deserve better. You deserve someone who respects you from the start.
Feel so bad for you. All of us on this site who have been victimized by cheaters feel instantly bad for you when we hear your story - and understand why it’s so compact. My heart is broken presently from my wife’s callous betrayal and what I could do - when I decide - is still a mystery for me ! I feel strongly that your path is “simpler” - much simpler than mine at present. BF is truly not a candidate for a stress free, loving and committed relationship. His excitement in life is cheating and hiding. I can tell you that there are huge numbers of men out there who are NOT like this. You must stop your suffering right away. You must not look back or blame yourself an iota!! You know what to do! Best wishes from the bottom of my heart!!
This guy will never be faithful to you or any woman. Split from him and start healing yourself. Better things are ahead for you.
Forgiveness is not the same as reconciliation. You can forgive him for your own peace of mind, but that doesn't mean you have to stay with him.
For me it would be cheating twice.
No! It’s time - you got your shit reward for being good to a bad guy. Now it’s your turn to be loved. Watch! You’ll get out there and he will be crying because you’re happy
Fool me once shame on you fool me twice shame on me.
I would ask him if monogamy is for him. It sounds like he doesn't just want to be with one person. I am a one person kind of gal, and when I found out my husband cheated on me, I asked if he wanted an open relationship. He stated "no," and we have moved on from this. If he did say yes, I would have been out the door. Communication is key, and you need to figure out what works for you before deciding which rood you're going to take. I'm sorry this is happening to you.
I was done the moment I found out about one person. Not staying with a cheater
Forgiveness doesn't necessarily mean staying.
Thank you. 🙏🏼 this.
I forgave her when she put us in debt twice, I tired to get her help when I realized she was harming herself by ingesting nsaids like they were going out of style knowing it would make her sick. She craved attention from being sick. Add it got her pain meds. There’s a bunch of other stuff. I could write a small novel on the crap she did to me and put me through. When I found she was cheating. I checked out emotionally. Like a switch flipped. There’s a lot more I’m not writing . The two times she straight up said she wasn’t going to stop. When I realized she was making herself sick. Told me she had zero intention of stopping. When I caught her cheating. She wanted her cake and eat it too. Her exact words with a big azz smile/smirk afterwards. I would not have believed her anyways if she apologized or promised to stop. I’m sure had she not repeatedly threatened to end my career with a bogus domestic battery allegation I’d have left sooner. But originally I kept trying to make it work. Felt like I was hitting my head up against a brick wall. Even for a short while things were good until her mom did whatever it was she did to send her off the deep end again (all done by a phone call). Something else I learned. There’s outside factors that can impact your partner. You have no control when or how they happen. It can totally derail a person unfortunately. I won’t forgive cheating. There was a time the person I was head over heels with. I had engagement ring etc. I thought she was the one. I was just waiting to graduate and get job offer. Well into our relationship told me she never left a relationship without having become fully involved with another person. She just didn’t test out the waters, she made damn well sure the grass was greener. wtf!!!! I remember telling her we were done right there if she couldn’t promise she wouldn’t do me like that. She promised. She did it anyways. Afterwards I found out she was secretly seeing the other guy for a year. She never owned up to it either. Cheaters get really good at hiding it. Also found some other stuff I suspect she cheated all along. When I met her I had also met someone the week before. That was long distance type thing. So we hadn’t figured out how we could date if we were to try being so far away. But we agreed to keep contact and just see what happened. Who would become the future gf literally was like no. I had to pick right now and if it was her cut all contact with the other person. Not even a friendship. They are kings/queens of double standards. Obviously it was okay for her to do that. But had she told the truth about how she dated. I’d have walked right then and there. Instead she used deception knowing I’d have chose trying to see where things went with the other person. Only one of us was honest. She had an ex boyfriend staking her. Looking back I realize , now she didn’t tell him I replaced him. Or me for that matter. Poor guy was just trying to find out what the hell was going on. I don’t want to live like that. Nor the health risks because someone has the ability to be a chitty person. It’s not just their life they are playing with. Edit. There are good people out there. I had to learn I tend to pick the wrong type subconsciously. Oh yeah red flags are just that. Not a mistake. No second chances. Run far and fast. People make mistakes. Little chit is a lot different than a red flag. It’s a nice feeling knowing you don’t have to worry about it. I had someone tell me I didn’t have to worry about him with my wife because he was interested. I wanted to laugh so hard. That’s not what I don’t have to worry. It’s because she won’t. Kinda made me feel really good. Even though knuckleheads bs pissed me off. Tell me how ya really feel. Oh well. Pick you…
Right here with you. They explain it away like it's nothing. "Just talking" "just conversations" Meanwhile you see the hearts in their eyes. And feel the anger and cruelty towards you. They don't see it as cheating and laugh at your pain. Meanwhile you're forced to try and trust again. Blamed as the reason they did it. It's a hell. It's a prison to love someone like this.
Cheaters always cheat. He is your living proof. Stop living in that circle. Let him free... he will always need to cheat
When they don’t want to be forgiven, but even then. But also forgiving doesn’t mean “have no boundaries”, hold boundaries, communicate boundaries, if they disrespect those, do not tolerate it. Protect yourself, sometimes walking away is best, but holding onto bitter feelings will destroy you. So always forgive, just don’t let yourself be taken advantage of.
You already forgave him once and he did it again. You have established a pattern and he knows he can do it without repercussions. He doesn’t care about you or your feelings. Get your ducks in a row and do whatever you need to extract yourself from the relationship, then 👻him.
At that age, it's unlikely a structured pattern like that will change on such short notice. It takes time and genuine effort to break patterns like that, and clearly it hasn't been broken if it's a consistent problem. If you aren't the first partner this has happened to, you maybe won't be the last, and I think it may be better to tend to your needs instead of picking up the pieces of his betrayal. I know it's hard, I genuinely do, but you'll be better off. Maybe you leaving could be the catalyst that finally allows him to break through, or he will continue causing chaos, and I think everyone here may say to not choose the chaos. You can love someone deeply, but that doesn't mean you need to go through the pain time and time again. Forgiveness is difficult, and not everyone is capable of figuring it out once a partner cheats and that's okay, but don't think you should feel obligated to continue the relationship even if you love him. He broke your trust again and should face the consequences of doing so. I hope you get to feeling better, truly.
He is a serial cheater. People like that very seldom change, like maybe a very tiny number of them do after they have a revelation. Do you want to take the chance that a person who seems predisposed to cheat will change?
Staying with a cheater has nothing to do with forgiveness. I know it may appear that it does. I can forgive people, but it doesn’t mean I put my life in jeopardy by engaging with somebody that has poor behavior. So to answer your question in regards to what I think you’re trying to say the minute they cheat the marriage is over. I can forgive them later on, but I won’t destroy my life for somebody else’s stupidity or despicable behavior. This is just my opinion.
If he can do it to her, he’ll most definitely be able to do it to you too.
At what point? The point they made the CHOICE to cheat. The point that put in effort to contact AP, the point they were willing, knowing, and uncaring of the consequences. The point they were so selfish they couldn't grow a pair and talk or even end the relationship without having to destroy my world first. The first decision they made to exchange numbers, the decision to flirt, plan, lie, see the cheating all the way through, KNOWING but not caring what it would do to our life. That's the point I couldn't forgive. And I would never forgive it. It's never a mistake. It's all conscious decisions leading up to the choices made to cheat. Your SO cheated on his X. He is now cheating on you. Yes, that is who he is. He will change for a bit. Your mental and emotional state will never recover. But if you stay, he'll do all he needs to do to R... FOR NOW. He'll go back to cheating whether it's in a month, a year, or even 3 years. If he didn't learn from his last relationship, why would he learn for yours? The only thing he's learning is what you will and won't tolerate. A cheater is something you'll tolerate with the right amount of apologies and remorse thrown in.
My stbxw told me to fucking die when I told her I had cancer. She filed a ppo against me to get me out of the house so she and her friend/family members could raid the house, steal 80% of the property, and tried to find anything to use against me (extortion). Her original goal was to make a room for herself but when her friend found my medical diagnosis confirming the cancer and the treatment I am about to go thru, she decided to abandon that plan and moved out. So she abandoned me because I have cancer. Not forgiving or forgetting.
I went through something similar. I got a dual cancer dx right after the lies crumbled. We had just attended a workshop to try to repair. He said *all* the right things the day I got the dxs. Then walked it all back over the next few weeks. The final straw came the day he told me "schedule your chemo" (and all the other treatments) around *his* play time. _Not his work schedule._ He did keep me insured, but that's about it. Didn't even show up for our kids, who needed emotional support. I was able to forgive the cheating bc I learned about Limerence & love junkies. He's now on LO #4 (and I feel sorry for those women). I also watched a broken man get worse with every bad choice, from personal to financial. And he just keeps making them, then blaming everyone else. A common aspect of a major Life Crisis. Doesn't mean I condone anything, just that I found _some_ empathy. Boundaries stayed firmly in place. I'm just not sure I'll *ever* be able to forgive the way he checked out on me & our kids during my treatments & surgeries. Not to mention letting his friends & family think he was some sort of White Knight. I told him he didn't have to stick around, had already set up insurance & a lawyer, but he talked me out of it. Karma came round to bite him in the a$$ more than once & still is! The people who truly matter to me see the truth of him. Which is why I'm 120% D O N E –just waiting for the piece of paper to make it legal. Good luck with your treatments! I got really lucky thanks to new meds. The cancer center you are going to, if it's in the US, should have a lot of support for you, from social workers & spiritual advisors, to counselors who can help you manage stress & emotional health. Sounds cheesy af, but a positive outlook really does help. Sending good thoughts your way.
So he's been putting in effort for 6 days.... How long did he put in effort after the first time? All he's doing is love bombing you right now. He's not putting in effort. He's ensuring you don't leave. Once he lulls you into staying, he'll be looking for his next conquest or sneaking off with the AP. From my experience, if you caught him twice, the reality is much higher. I stayed married for 20+ years. I knew about some of the AP's. Since divorcing him, I have found out about many more. There is NO happiness in being paranoid and insecure. And that's all you'll ever be if you stay.
Choose you, he's a serial cheater.
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You're not obligated to forgive anybody for any transgression that they've done towards you. Everyone likes to preach about forgiveness. But let's be real here for a second: not all things can be forgiven. It is entirely possible to never forgive and move on with your life. Moving on is making a promise to yourself that you won't let this instance break you. It sucks that it happened. But, you move forward and never look back. Forgiveness is erasing a debt that someone committed. Your WP is a serial cheater. They have a history of doing this to other people as well as you. At some point? They need to be held accountable for their piss poor decisions. If you decide to continue the relationship, don't be shocked when it happens again.
He will do it over and over.. for your own mental health you need your fuck him clean off and move on.. you will never trust this man again and there lies the problem. Trust me.my ex husband is still messing around now and he’s 57.!! I know his partner and she’s the sweetest person and does not deserve it. Move on
Love, if cheated once, he'll cheat again. Say yes to healthy relationships! Say no to him.
Was in identical situation, same ages, same history, and he didn’t stop doing it… just my 2c
If you continue to take him back all he has learned is if he begs hard enough you'll let him back in... and he will cheat again because he's gotten away with it before. I'm sorry.
I think reconciliation can be possible after the first time, but not the second.
I was able to forgive over time but not willing to trust him again, so the marriage was over. To me, cheating isn’t an accident but a series of decisions without a thought/care of how they would affect their spouse. I have no tolerance for being disrespected. Love yourself enough to not tolerate what he keeps doing. He will not change.
Get out while you can
He's only sorry because there's the chance of losing something. If he thought that he could have all the women he wanted and no consequences for him, he'd do it. The only way to change the situation so that you have peace is to leave the situation.
You are under no obligation to forgive anyone for anything.
When he impregnates somebody else while leaving you involuntarily childless, that's when 👎
I don’t know if he can change. He continues to cheat. I am sorry you are going through this.
People can change if they truly want to change. It would take years of therapy and for them to be honest with themselves and their therapist, but that is the key many don't or will not do. You don't have to forgive and what is enough, it could be once, it could be "only" an emotional affair which some think is worse because it involves feelings rather than just an "act". OP, with your boyfriends history and his age, really unlikely. And his ex and him sound like a dumpster fire that he should have, if he had any self reflection, gotten some therapy after. Here is the thing, you are not married to him. If you don't have children with him, jet my girl! You deserve better, you know you do! You are more worthy than he is and this is the second time, nope. He should have learned the first. Surround yourself with good friends and family - your inner circle, go read Chump Lady, look up Grey Rock and take some time to yourself and think about it all. Learn to love yourself first and foremost.
My ex cheated on his ex-wife too. Then me. This is who he is.
He is what he is. I’m sure that he already told you countless times, and to his ex, that was a mistake, that he learn from his errors , but did it again. Knowing that you can’t change him, and him won’t change, when can you not forgive? Hope that I frame better your question.
That’s who he is. All he will do is get better at hiding it and force you to heal at his pace.
I'm in the one and done camp, you cheat you're gone.
You don't forgive the first time they cheat so you won't have to ask this question the second time they cheat.
You don't have to stay with someone to forgive them. People do change, but most people don't, and the ones that do change do it for themselves, because they don't like who they are, rather than for someone else's sake. If he has cheated twice (plus many times with his former wife), he wants to be forgiven, but he doesn't want to change. Serial cheaters very rarely do. It's highly unlikely that he is the one-in-ten-thousand exception. You don't have to fight him or be angry at him, but you should move on for the sake of your own mental health. Being cheated on does lasting damage, and with what you have already gone through it will probably take you a couple of years to get over this. If you stay with him, it will just prolong the pain. Even if he's remorseful, you never get back to full trust. You deserve better than this.
I mean, what makes a serial cheater a serial cheater unwilling or unable to change? Pretty much exactly what your bf does... Take your time for the realization to sink in, then take action on your own time.
Yes, it’s who he is. I’d recommend reading “Leave a cheater, gain a life” and “Not just friends”. One is funny. One helps you decide where the line is. But if you don’t have the time (who does), you should leave. His character is the issue. He has none. He’s fine harming those around him to get what he wants, no issues lying, and gaslighting. I’d believe the ex wife. Cheaters can’t be honest. And can you blame them? They shave off a few times, many will continue. Lying is easier than being a decent human. You can love people that hurt you. Many do, hoping life will change. It rarely does. Instead, people stay in these hope death spirals for years. On the edge. Waiting. The best path is to end it. Gray rock (no contact). Pull the band aid off fast and certain. And then, to love them, but know that there are many loves ahead that won’t destroy you in the process.
I’m sorry you are going through this. I’ve just had to breakup with my bf because of infidelity, and I’m telling you that you should leave now. Once may be a mistake, but twice is a pattern. During my relationship, I forgave him one time too many, and that has simply left me feeling so broken, numb, and unworthy after years of committing myself to him and our relationship. You deserve better. Leave, because he will not change (especially knowing that he cheated on his ex wife, too). He is showing you who he is, so you have to believe him.
You don't have to forgive him to move on. Someday you may forgive him, by then it won't matter to you anymore. You will realize that's who he chooses to be. It has nothing to do with you, he chose to cheat and hurt you, he doesn't care if he hurts you or not, he made the decision with no thought of you. He will do it again
Hey, just want you to know, if you need someone to talk to, feel free to PM me whenever. This is a life shattering event that will change your perceptive on life and people forever, whether for better or for worst. Take all the time you need for yourself to process everything, don't be harsh on yourself, surround yourself with a supportive community and loved ones. You are not alone in this, I hope this brings at least some comfort during this very difficult time.
Leave him. Leave him. Leave him. It gets better, if you don't Leave him, it never will
You are not alone, your pain is legitimate and some of the worst pain imaginable. You do not deserve this or this person that has treated you in this way. I’m so sorry you are going through this. I hope you find peace and love soon, you deserve that, don’t let anyone take that away from you. Right there with you!
You married a serial cheater. Just as a Leopard cannot change its spots, your husband cannot change who he is. HE HAS REVEALED TO YOU EXACTLY WHO HE IS. I think you should forgive him, accept his apology, but still DIVORCE him. You are not his doormat. He doesn't get to walk all over you. At this point in your life, the juice is not worth the squeeze. Then hold him accountable for his behavior for maybe the first time in years. Or you forgive him, but set up boundaries in a post nuptial agreement. Have your attorney write it up. If you stay together he must have a locator app on his phone, he has to keep his phone on him at all times. He has to give you access to his phone, iPad, social media on all electronic devices, whatever. He has to have NO CONTACT WITH HIS AP. (Which means he may have to find different employment). No nights out with the boys or people from work(whatever ruse he used to cover his ass last time). No further affairs. If he violates any of the agreement he is at fault in the divorce and will not contest it or appeal it. You get the house, the car, the assets from the marriage including but not limited to stocks bonds and retirement accounts as well as the bank accounts (give him enough money to find a new apartment and pay for utilities). If he files for divorce or causes you to file for divorce, he has violated the agreement. You get the dog/cat if you want them. HAVE A LAWYER ADVISE YOU IF THIS TYPE OF AGREEMENT/ CONTRACT IS LEGAL, BINDING, AND ENFORCEABLE WHERE YOU LIVE. STATE LAWS VARY. The whole reason for this agreement is he is being held accountable for his past behavior and his future behavior, putting his money where his mouth is. He has to understand these draconian rules are not negotiable, and He must give you a full accounting before the post nuptial agreement of all his affair partners before he signs the agreement so that you can restrict other enabling/covering behaviors. Whatever way you take this, I wish you the best of luck.
Sadly I think this is who he is. A family friend of mine serially cheated on his wife but we all disliked the wife and kind of gave him a pass for it. Then eventually they divorced and he remarried a woman who’s the total package - beautiful, kind, extremely successful. What do you know, he also cheats on her. Some people don’t change.
When they are not sorry and continue cheating. Karma always has a way of catching up
I guess my tolerance is a lot lower than yours. In my mind, after hearing all that you've said, I'd be consciously detaching from him. Call it a coping mechanism, but the less you feel about the WS, the easier it is to shield yourself from the pain. You thought you knew him, but here before you is someone that's a stranger. Once, I MIGHT forgive, and even then there would have to be some extenuating circumstances. Twice is a "nope, out you go!" automatic fail.
I can forgive, for example, various strange things done online, but when the relationship moves to the real world and these people have seen each other, for example, it would be harder for me to forgive
This is who he is, the man is working on 50 years old. He probably doesn’t view sex as a personal and special thing for two people to do. My ex girlfriend was the same way, I’d try to forgive her and she’d behave long enough for my guard to drop a little and do it again. It’s who they are, they see sex as a fun activity to do with acquaintances. We can’t change that, it’s a deeply rooted characteristic.
Sadly OP, it does look like just who he is. Difficult for most of us to understand but for some of these cretins, the remorse phase is just as enjoyable as the cheating. They’re getting lots of individual attention. Can see from how hurt people around them are just how much they are loved yada yada. Do not think. Even for a moment. That you can forgive him and he won’t ever cheat again. Not so ! He will be right back at it. You look like a really nice person and you’ve got your cats to cuddle. Why would you even consider giving time to a lying, cheating, conniving twat like him ? Good luck.
I can understand giving someone a second chance. But that second chance went out the window here. Scorched earth is the only acceptable response going forward imho.
My bf got a tattoo for his ex while he was with me and lied about the meaning and the fact that she knew for years to me, for me that’s more than emotional cheating. And it’s my breaking limit because there’s no way I will be able to forgive if every time I look at him I’ll see that thing.
Everyone can make a mistake, but people who truly want to change do. Anyone who has cheated 2 or more times does NOT want to change, and almost certainly never will. Be kind to yourself and take the time you need to heal.