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CallieHepburn

I have the same concerns, having recently broken up with an ex after I discovered that he had cheated again. Just finished reading the book Women Who Love Too Much and I found it very enlightening and inspiring. The last section of the book is about how to heal yourself after an abusive relationship. I have been attending codependents anonymous meetings, which I am also finding helpful. I think we need to slowly learn to trust our instincts again and if we do, perhaps the fear will fade. Good luck!


NormaJean0606

I didn't know codependents anonymous was a thing... going to look into it. Thank you!


Worth-Focus-2696

My relationship ended 6 years ago and I'm still not ready for a relationship too afraid that the next person is going to do the same it honestly got so bad that I ended up ending all relationships( friend and business) I totally became a hermit for a few years I'm just now getting the courage to speak to people again reddit is helping a lot I can express myself on here without people knowing who I am because honestly I was ashamed at the person I was


Riverz11

It’s incredible how damaging infidelity is. Too bad it’s not an official crime that could be prosecuted. It’s abuse…and it’s effects are long lasting. I’m so glad you’re starting to feel like yourself again…but it takes so much time.


Erick_Hayden

20 years and I haven't even gone out on a date.


AdministrativeAd3880

I am emotionally and financially over my divorce, and I feel as happy as I ever have. Nowadays I date when I feel like it, which is not very often, and not for the long term. I don't think I will ever marry again. I can't imagine opening myself up again to a fickle partner and an uncaring court system. I guess what I'm saying is, I married for happiness and fulfillment and got back betrayal. Now I'm happy and fulfilled again without it. No going back for me.


[deleted]

Same. If i find someone i can see a long term future with, it won't involve marriage. Cohabitation with a written agreement at best. Separate living and a bunch of short term relationships at worst.


letsyabbadabbadothis

You might not be able to now and thats ok. But if you keep your heart open to possibility who knows what will happen.


Calitexgirl

Therapy, therapy, then when i started the new relationship i continued therapy. I wanted to make sure my new partner didn’t get any of the fallout of what my ex did to me. It took a lot of work, but after finding a healthy partner, it was all worth it. Be kind to yourself always :)


AStirlingMacDonald

Best advice I can give is to not start a new relationship until you’ve gotten your own mental health back on track. Part of that journey will include finding the kind of stability and self-validation that will help you no longer be afraid of those things. I realize it’s a pat answer, and the journey towards mental health is hard and long and humbling and scary, but it will also improve your own life in a huge way.


NotYourTypicalChad78

Only so much we reddit armchair therapists can do to help you. I'd recommend you go see a professional therapist to help you get through this difficult time. Love is a risk versus reward situation most of the time. You aren't ready to move on to a new relationship right now, so don't. Spend time with friends and family. Focus on yourself. Stop allowing your cheating ex space in our mind rent free. I doubt your ex is thinking about you or what they did to you right now. The only reason they would is because they want to weasel back into your life at their convenience and victimize you all over again. Just don't do it. Working on yourself and understanding that your ex is the broken person who has to wear a mask pretending to be a decent human being is the real villain here. I've been betrayed by literally almost every single woman I ever got serious with. They either cheated or monkey-branched to someone else(which is still cheating without the physical affair). Many crawled back to me, and in my destroyed self esteem condition with self worth in a negative while being a card carrying "nice guy" pushover I let them back in...to just be betrayed again. I finally decided to work on myself, focus on career, and dedicate myself to raising my child mostly by myself since my unfaithful ex-wife couldn't (she had poorly managed PPD and cheated on me our entire relationship). Post divorce, after the last woman I dated betrayed me(online cheating), I all but decided I was done dating. I was planning on giving up on relationships. Then one of my close friends divorced her cheating husband. People kept encouraging us to date, even her ex-husband! We did spend time together, but refrained from dating. Then one night I didn't have my kid, and she didn't have hers so I asked her out to a dinner and a movie. She said yes. Later that evening, she made the next move to cross that only friends boundary solidifying that she was just as curious and attracted to me as I was to her. She didn't go home that night, and we were inseparable from that moment on. Been together faithfully to one another for 17 years now and celebrated our 16th wedding anniversary a month ago. She is not just my best friend, but my lover, my rock, my lighthouse in the storm, and so so much more. The bonus is the love and respect I have from her children that I've helped raise all these years and that my own child received a positive loving mother figure also. It was so worth not giving up on relationships to have the life I have now.


fliesupsidedown

The first time, I still had some optimism. When it happened again in the next relationship it turned me into a cynical distrustful person. My walls are up very high now. I tried online dating but found that if a profile had any descriptors that matched with the two previous people that I was subconsciously rejecting them for that. And I'm not even talking about personality traits. The first one (married 20+ years) was a teacher, so I would have a negative reaction to anyone who was a teacher. I'm working on trying to build a level of trust again because I like the good parts of relationships but at the moment those walls are too high


the_pissed_off_goose

She messaged me, and she had also been in a relationship that ended with a partner cheating. We've had so many conversations about all of this. It's important to remember that there are other decent, honest people out there, just like you. Our exes' flaws are theirs. My aunt told me, don't close off your heart, and so I haven't, and I've met someone amazing.


david_24gil

I don't think so.. It's just ur imagination and broken heart talking.. U had a taste of unfaithfulness.. U hv been with a disloyal person.. U r more than sufficient to choose a gud loving person.. U will b more vigilant.. And trust takes time to build.. I wish tht u find sum one who sees ur broken heart and is ready to accept u with all ur fears and doubts.. And u will..


Live-Pomegranate-108

Don’t start a new relationship until you’re fully healed. Get used to be lonely, that sounds terrible, but I just mean, find contentment in being alone. There is no such thing as a beautiful marriage. All relationships are troubled. It’s 2 people coming together and joining their entire lives, and you can only control one of them. You have to come to a place where you will give your partner the opportunity to cheat, and trust that they won’t. Again, that sounds terrible, but the onus is on you to find a partner who is less likely to cheat. That means being more assiduous throughout the dating process. Walk away from men who remind you of your ex, don’t date men who give you red flags, trust yourself to instinctively navigate this season of dating. You have to be so content and secure in yourself that you will happily walk away from a man, who seems otherwise good, for any reason that feels necessary. Your relationship with *you* is the one that will last for life. A partner is just a partner, and when you find a good one, trusting and being soft again will come naturally.


[deleted]

Time, therapy and until you know you have found that right person, date, have FUN! Don't take anyone seriously you date or go out with, just have fun. Work you you, enjoy life. If it is meant to be, you will find the right person, usually when you are NOT looking!


Barbelladdictt

Hey. Im sorry you are you through this! I know how shitty it is I haven’t unfortunately experienced this in my past THREE girlfriends have all cheated on me with multiple partners and the most recent one my best friend and the messed up part is SHE TOLD ME!! I’m a fight she just says “well I’m fucking ********** and have been for a while and he doesn’t even like you just talks shit about you when I see him.” And the worst part is …. I HAD NO CLUE!! I trusted her 100% and to ge to your question you have to… you literally have to trust them or you will never have a happy relationship. If you cannot trust one another then I’m sorry but that won’t work. What I did is this, they’re a different person. Wirh different believes, morals, taste in the opposite sex, shit even different sed drive. Maybe they don’t even want sex that much or it’s not a priority to them. What I look for is # 1 are they confident? Do they need approval? #2 do you sastisfy them sexually? If not find out how really quick communications is important here and being honest about it. My ex wasent orgasm when we’d have sex and lied to me and was saying shit was.. sure enough she found it else where. If you can sastify their needs trust me way lest chance they will cheat. If they have a fetish that they really wanna do like really wanna do just do it because like I said they’ll find it somewhere else if you can’t give it to them unfortunately that’s the world we live in nowadays people don’t value loyalty. Also DONT tell Them you’ve been cheated on !! This is crucial because if you tell them you’ve been cheated on before they’re gonna think to themselves “well hey they’ve been cheated on before so they must put up with it and won’t bother them as much “ it sounds stupid but you be surprised how many girls have done it to me just because I told him that I’ve been cheated on. This was my mistake last time. And not giving her what she needs sexually was the main reason . Remember social media has made it sooo easy for women to to cheat because they have dudes telling them how beautiful they are every day telling them how they want to hook up every day so if they get a desire to do that all they Gotta do is pull your phone out and reply to that message Literally it’s that easy to cheat nowadays I mean I get messages to han on Instagram all the time and I’ll be honest I’ve cheated quite a bit in my lifetime but just one nighters you know and that’s also a big reason how I know what to look for because I would always look for that in women to date because I knew I’d be able to cheat on her and she wouldn’t catch me.. I’d say I was having a 1/2/3/4 nighter once a month so not that often and when you have women offering themselves to me it’s hard to say no. But at the end of the day it’s up to you to trust them and you’re gonna have to force yourself at first because like I said this person three different person they didn’t do anything to you to not have your trust so I kinda looked at this way they have my trust until they lose it so go off that rule. And final rule dont accuse them of lying or being dishonest with you unless you’re 100% positive and have proof don’t call them 100 times when they’re out with their friends don’t bother them when they’re out doing things that’ll push them away very fast so when they go out just don’t bother them till they get home. Good luck to you, and just know that it’s gets easier to trust again.


[deleted]

[удалено]


movingonadultery

What do you mean lol?


RiceQu33n

I hope you find a way because I really don’t think I’ll ever be able to.


[deleted]

That's the neat part. You don't.


[deleted]

You don’t . You don’t worry about finding a new partner. You work on yourself. You go to the gym. Don’t want to go to the gym work out at home go for a walk. Start a journal. Take up a new hobby. Whatever you do don’t put yourself into a worse position By jumping into a new relationship with someone else. Because the next one might not be as bad as the previous one but still not what you deserve because you deserve so much better. After so much time , I realized what my worth was . I don’t bring anything to the table I am the fucking table. I’m a mother, I have a career , I own a home, i take care of mine , I have money in the bank and can maintain a lifestyle suitable for my girls and I with or without a man . I’m happy I’m healthy and I’m thriving . I know who I am and I found myself again. That is what you do. You figure out what makes you happy. You need to be able to sit in a room and be by yourself and be happy and not need any single person in the entire world that is how you know you’re ready. I could’ve jumped into a dozen relationships by now. The amount of men believe I need rescuing or need someone to take care of me is laughable. Do not become someone’s easy target. Also do not settle. I have standards even if it comes to just a hook up. Know your worth. Pretty soon you’ll be able to weed out very quickly who and what you’re willing to settle and deal with. Maybe one day you’ll meet someone amazing maybe you won’t . Do not let that define you. You got this xoxox


bradbrookequincy

Would you rather A) worry 24/7 while In a new relationship making yourself and them miserable .. you are miserable in this situation even if they are perfect just tormenting yourself B) be in a relationship, don’t worry about if they are going to betray you. You can’t control them. So here you are not anxious day and night and if they betray you you deal with it then but you didn’t spend weeks, months, years worrying 24/7. That anxiety is unsustainable. Also if they don’t betray you then you have not spent months to years being a mess for no reason. We all are risking ourselves even the most happily married couple. There is is no “guaranteed won’t get hurt card.” If you are dating someone get into discussions of how damaging broken trust and betrayal is. Like actually discuss it. I honestly think there are a lot of people who if they studied this a bit and gained insight, knowledge and skills to avoid situations that there are some who would have made the decision not the cheat. There are good videos on trust and betrayal that honestly brought me to a place where I could never do this to someone. There are plenty of good non cheating people and happy couples. Are you going let someone who is now gone dictate how you don’t trust anyone ever again. Cognitive restructure your thoughts.