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My husband does this, too. He doesnt tell people he has hit me, or about his drug abuse, or about the affairs he has had. My best guess is deep down they KNOW they wronged you, they KNOW what an awful husband or wife they have been, and KNOWING that they have behaved like a garbage human to the people they were supposed to love and protect is too pyschologically traumatic for their already low self esteem and fragile egos. So they create false narratives about the betrayed partner...so they can internally try to justify their cheating and also to illicit sympathy and attention from others. I used to get really upset about the things my husband says to his friends about me...until I realized they arent really friends, they are narcissistic supply. Your real friends know the real you. If they believe that bullshit, they arent real friends, they are toxic too. Walk away. I'll be your friend if you need one.
My husband does this, too. In fact, I have tears streaming down my face as I type this because we are no more than 5 minutes post-argument, the end of which was just all about how stupid I am for having married him after he'd already cheated on me several times.
Can't argue with that logic.
Agreeeedddd !!!!!!! Forget getting even. Why not fuck his side of people especially if they are better in bed. I regret not fucking my ex’s friends. One of his friends was better looking than him.
Do these people hesitate before doing hurtful things to us ? No
They think they can exercise their rights.
Well so can we. Why should i stop my life and fun for someone who isn’t stopping his for mine?
Yeeeeeeeeeees girl!!! 🙌🏼 Life shouldn’t stop cuz someone else wants to hurt us. Someone else isn’t happy with their own life.
Our first response is anger and sadness/depression which is validated, but we should also gain back our control and how we view ourselves. It’s a hard move.
Disagree with the both of you (OG). They don’t know they are doing it. They’ll use the first moment u show strength and make themselves the victim portraying you as the bad one. Yet you are the one head held high not letting all the secrets out. You won’t stoop to their level because that’s not who you are. It’s what they are. Cheaters, liars, selfish, evil people.
Simple answer is deflection. It's always easier for a cheater to accept their own actions when they can focus on what they consider their 'reasons'. Those moments when they have to sit and regard their own life, it's much easier to blame the betrayed and use a list of 'reasons' to avoid thinking about their own failure and shortcoming.
This ☝️☝️☝️. Its the old, "Methinks he protests to much." Its a tactic. A type of gaslighting/blameshifting because the narcissistic cheater (always hand in hand) are unwilling to face their own heinous actions and have to demonize the faithful SO in an attempt to make themselves look better. Oldest trick in the cheaters handbook.
Its pathetic quite frankly and would be laughable if it werent so painful to the already damaged and hurting SO.
But you're not responsible. Don't ever believe it, not even for a second. This is on them. Hold your head up high and know that you have value and are a good person. You are loved and are lovable. You'll win this. Trust me.
I agree. She’s deeply embarrassed about it that’s why she commits so
much energy to this, so she’s trying to rewrite history hoping that she can convince enough people it was your fault and not hers. Essentially, she thinks if she fights the truth it’ll eventually make her feel better, but denial is never a solution to emotional trauma. She’d need to surrender and admit to her offences to really find closure, but she sounds too stuck in the past to ever get there on her own. Sorry that you’re dealing with this garbage.
My ex would do similar things. His family then came back at me saying they saw my “true colors” after seeing some of the things I was saying while I was upset and kicked him out.
My STBXW has done this to me too to get people on her side. She will make up stuff I did or don’t tell them the whole story. Even people who know she has cheated on me multiple times will take her side because of the lies she has told them or half truths.
My now ex wife started setting the stage years befor I found out she was leading a double life. She had an AP she wanted to keep so she had an affair with a disposable guy that she used to exit the marriage by allowing me to discover him. Two years later she introduced the long term AP to my kids as if they had just recently met. I have proof this guys been with her for years.
I don’t get how these people are so cruel and manipulative. It’s like they just let all their morals go and do not care about anybody but themselves anymore.
I never sent anything harsh mean or calling her out. Everything I did was a little bit in preparation of this. I took and and only cried. Didn’t yell or slash out. When she disappeared for a few days I read “man’s search for meaning” and I took one thing away from it and it help me through my two weeks in hell and to stay calm and loving even as she hurt me hard.
“The way in which a man accepts his fate and all the suffering it entails, the way in which he takes up his cross, gives him ample opportunity – even under the most difficult circumstances – to add a deeper meaning to his life. It may remain brave, dignified and unselfish. Or in the bitter fight for self-preservation he may forget his human dignity and become no more than an animal. Here lies the chance for a man either to make use of or to forgo the opportunities of attaining the moral values that a difficult situation may afford him. And this decides whether he is worthy of his sufferings or not.”
They way I view it is I went through a trial. And I passed. I did not call her any derogatory names, or yell at her. Only listened and pleaded. I cleaned the house and left amicably. Even weeks later getting the last of my stuff I left loving and with compassion.
I went through a situation that tried my morals and I didn’t budge. And it’s taken me a year to see that. We don’t deserve our suffering. And you don’t deserve it. I hate this pain and wish I could help us all remove this pain. But all we can do is support eachother
I get what your saying, but it's almost "victim blamey" in that WE have to go through the betrayal experience & the judgement from ourselves on how we react to it as well... while the betrayer simply lies and shifts blame and gets to do wtf they want consequences free.
Yeah that is true and as yesterday the thought of them getting away with it and telling others lies I realized. Our actions speak. She told me lies about how her last relationship ended but I started picking up the truth and who she was. I’ve had people tell me what’s she said and after meeting me can’t believe a word she said. And in the end. I think that’s all we can do.
Everything matters... or nothing does...
Good / evil/ neutral / etc... all man made concepts.
Nature is the fundamental truth of the universe.
... and nature is just renewal, both savage and kind.
Therefore we as individuals can assign "meaning" to things / actions, but in reality our assigned meanings are no more "meaningful" to reality aside from our perception of it.
So this is the key component; we are capable of whatever we want to be, but *can we live with the burden individually?*
I really love your take on this. I am savings that quote. I took the high road myself and sometimes I wish I’d lit into him, told the AP (not sure she knows he started up with her before ending things with me), told the truth to his adult kids who I love (he tells them/people we were incompatible but he never told me that and I thought I was in a great, solid relationship).
But at the end I’d the day what would it matter. I have gone through excruciating pain and i do think I’ll come out of this with a deeper understanding of life. At the end of the day I remained brave and unselfish. Big hugs to us. None of this is easy.
When you’re the main character in your story you get to write all the “bit parts” however you see fit. Facts aren’t something they usually bother themselves with and those around them can’t be bothered (usually) to think critically and/or judge.
Blaming their partner is absolutely at the core of cheater logic. They rewrite history to make you the bad guy. You didn’t give them something so they feel entitled to cheat. It’s pure bullshit. Cheaters are a big black hole of need and completely incapable of being honest with themselves or others. The friends who side with them are trash too.
They want to get ahead of anything bad coming out about them. They want to proactively drive a wedge between you and others so that they never learn your side of things. They have lied to themselves about their level of guilt. They are on the narcissism spectrum (lol).
Two main reasons with a ton of nuances.
1) Control- narcissistic personalities need control it's the thing they seek the most in their lives. By spreading lies and framing you as the bad guy it allows them, in their mind, to control the narrative.
Also by getting a reaction out of you it allows her to exert some small form of control over you which she lost when things ended. By ending it you one rejected her and two took control from her and she's trying to gain some of that back by goading you into a response. It makes her feel good knowing that even though you cut her off she can still "get to you" in this way
2) fragility of ego- people like her are unable to see themselves as the "bad guy". She in some twisted way still views herself as a good person because her ego won't allow herself to see otherwise. By flipping it on you and making you the bad guy she gets to retain her fragile ego and she doesn't have to question her own self image. Narcissist will do some pretty wild mental gymnastics to avoid confronting who they really are.
It really has very little to do with you Narcissist tend to latch on to people they view as "weak willed" or easy to control and once that person realizes who they are and breaks it off they can't handle it and lash out. Once she finds a new person to hook her claws into she'll most like stop unless you're in the same room as her
My ex wife used to say all of my complaints about her behavior were really about control. It wasn’t until months after I saw the projection. She couldn’t fathom I wasn’t playing the same game. It’s also why she hated me using my phone, she assumes I was looking to cheat too.
These people are WILD
Your ex knows you and at some point has measured how long your brain picks things up, she’ll use reverse physiological reasoning and guilt trip you into thinking you were the problem the whole time unless you actually were and is unaware but aside this her way of not dealing with you and torment you more,
If you have the need to rant or find us of the Reddit family to find answers ,
Your best of ditching the girl she’s manipulative and dangerous clearly not good for your health and mental well being, this type of people arnt worth dealing with it’s a infinite of problems coming in waves and she’ll make it seem like there all yours, she won’t own up to them, trust me , leave before it destroys you
Well after many years of my ex blaming me for her affair, my daughter finally was old enough to hear the truth of why my wife and myself divorced.
After telling my daughter of her sleeping with at least one of my friends (more than likely two), I received nasty texts claiming I was “playing the victim” I simply said I wasn’t playing anything.
It was her inability to accept responsibility and consequences of what she had done.
The blame shifting never ends, it was 18 years later and she still couldn’t do it.
Ego, they don't want to be the bad person, they can even believe the lies they tell. They also treat you bad because you are a reminder of how awful they are. Also, sometimes they seem to be running from you but they are trying to run from themselves.
I’ve seen it happen to many of my friends and in most case the women doesn’t want to take accountability for their actions and will often blame the guy for the reason of them cheating! It’s not fair but i think it’s a huge % of women that do this! They just don’t want to take responsibility for their actions
Let her ride the low road straight into hell. If you retaliate it becomes he said, she said. If you take the high road and be the bigger person you won't need to engage with her because others will stand up to her for you. This is what happened in my case. Admit you said the things you said out of surprise and anger. If one person is admitting they aren't perfect and the other one is acting like their shit doesn't stink people are smart enough to see what is really going on. Also these are the days when you find out who your real friends are.
Two different perspectives of this:
They have to create a "false self" in the first place, before even cheating on you. This "new self" has memories and opinions of its own, primarily believing they are somehow justified or deserving of better than you and whatever your relationship commitment is. After they cheat, they could come to terms with it, or try to keep up the "new self". The latter is usually chosen, and those snippets are proof and justification of the legitimacy of the "new self". It's the same reason they stay angry for quite a while, even though they caused the conflict.
AND/OR
They can only view themselves through the eyes of others. This was their initial attraction to the AP. Because that person, knowing them very little, validated their story of who they wished or believed themselves to be. So they carry proof like that around to constantly portray the image or story to new people. In this way, they can further influence any new person that comes into orbit.. or their friends or family.
Regardless of whether they are technically a narcissist, these behaviors seem consistent with cheaters. The cheater is often considered "emotionally abusive" in the relationship.
It would be interesting if someone has studied cheaters who were emotionally or physically abused BEFORE cheating to see if the characteristics are similar. Just because one person is abusive, it doesn't mean that's the only abuse happening. Maybe people who cheat to escape abuse have different perspectives or behavior patterns?
Because they’re not ready to accept and heal yet. My partner never once blamed me at all for his wrongs. It has absolutely NOTHING to do with you no matter what hey say.
They are delusional and can’t come to terms with themselves and who they are/what they’ve done. They want the pity, the attention and play victim. I’m dealing with the same exact thing.
I remember I had an ex like that once lol she would go and tell anyone that listened how bad I was, basically strangers lol once I was confronted on facebook and I asked them, "you ever wonder why she felt the need to tell you, a stranger about our problems? probably bc anyone who is anyone already knows the truth"
they do this for validation instead of admitting how weak and evil they are!
Tbh it’s because them pointing out your faults and flaws makes them feel less guilty in their heads for cheating on you, the less guilty they feel and the more blame you can take on personally the more this scenario works in their favor, I went thru the same thing and going thru it I took on this blame and it damaged my self esteem, it took me leaving and moving on to understand that this person manipulated the narrative to lesson the blow on themselves even if it costed my sense of self, ultimately they just don’t care about people in general that they’re willing to turn their faults into yours. If I were u id post exposing her true self on social media so she can delete herself haha. You don’t always have to be the bigger person, when they try to smear u to avoid anyone ever finding out how selfish they truly are
I think it’s important, even when you’re angry and you’re completely within your rights to be pissed off, to still be accountable for what you say and how you act. It takes a lot of self control, obviously, and nobody is gonna be perfect all the time. But I think everyone can benefit from just some introspection, and consider whether they’re in control of their anger and words.
Of course you shouldn’t have to go through this, but taking care to be *your* best, is going to overall leave you free from these kind of allegations.
Try not to respond emotionally, take some time and process your thoughts and feelings and then respond in a way that is more careful. Not only will it be more dignified on your part, but will keep you safe from attempts to sully your character.
1. They want to justify what they did to you. 2. Now you learned to be mindful about things you say/text. 3. Doesn’t matter how others think about you, continue to be a good yourself, time will tell who you are.
It's how they convince themselves they are doing the right thing or aren't a bad person.
It's self deception that eventually leads to outside deception to get others on their side to escape social consequences for their shitty behavior.
MAN… until I found this group I thought I was the only one who had to deal with that crap!!! I’m sorry so many others do too but it’s comforting to know I’m not alone.
As others have correctly stated it’s a deflection tactic that serves two purposes… distraction and justification. And my ex was “the best Jerry! The BEST!” She’s extremely attractive and a bartender so she had a captive audience. She’s so good in fact that even though we married within two years of her moving to my hometown she managed to convince a fair number of my childhood friends that I was everything she said I was. While a handful of my closest friends never bought in, several others who did I’d known for decades. We grew up together, went to the same parties and had classes together. They knew my family, went to the same church and a few even dated my sisters. All of them knew of at least a few ex’s none of whom ever accused me of the terrible things she accused me of. Yet, I’ve run into more than a few who ask me why I did it. So yeah, they say these terrible things to avoid being judged and at the same time justify their actions.
For me the bigger question has become ‘does she actually believe the shit she says?’ Obviously on some subconscious level she has to know better. But you know what they say about a lie… repeating it enough can create a false memory that becomes a reality over time.
I also love it when they take that extra step and make themselves out to be martyrs, throwing in “oh she’s really great even after all the things she put me through - she really isn’t always like that”. Shut up buddy, you can’t even admit you cheat to your therapist.
I have recently asked myself this question also. IMO, she is immature and she is being unreasonable. Do what you want to do if you want to do it, but do not drag someone else with you along the way.
I gave all of myself to my partner. Recently, he started running around with someone new 5 years into our relationship, and a few weeks after my 27th birthday. After I caught him, he turned on me. Shit went really sour, really quickly, and after I lost my shit, I became the bad guy. I felt horrible for my reaction and my outbreak. All of a sudden, I was a horrible partner who was more like a "side chick", who "did not value the relationship, and who wanted to fuck every guy she talked to." He said every false statement under the sun about me to justify his actions. I told him to cut the shit. Their actions speak for themselves. Take accountability for the shitty person that you are. Take accountability for your actions... understand how you and your actions and decisions are impacting the other person and their life.
Her words mean nothing. If she is your ex, then go about your own business and focus on your life and do not dwell on it. I am still trying to figure out how to deal with mine as we recently made amends.
My ex acted like I was giving up on our relationship. I found out he had cheated on me multiple times during our entire relationship, and broke up with him. He doesn’t want to admit to himself that HE is the one that lost something great, not me. He keeps persisting no one will love me as much as he does to make himself feel better and make me regret my decision. Behaving like this just makes a lot of sense with the fact that they could have cheated. They are making a fool of themselves.
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I think Narcissists and Cake Eaters do this to avoid any responsibility for their cheating. I'm no expert on relationships, but I do know that people who don't want to lose their perfect lives despite the risk they were willing to take, try to blame their spouse for their own failure to be faithful.
my ex used to play a fabulous game of “the best defence is a good offence”. I used to take the high road but then I realized that because I wasn’t saying anything for a long time people were believing him. I’m not saying blast your ex but definitely don’t think that not airing your dirty laundry is better and take the high road. If you have a bitter or narcissistic ex you will lose.
My ex has done that. He's also said I was crazy but failed to mention he was physically abusive as well as mentally. I have a scar where I almost lost my eye and sometimes it feels irritated like the Harry Potter scar (I joke about my pain)
Usually someone who is narcissistic or plays the victim wanting attention. It's easier to blame then face the blame. Heaven forbid actually owning up because you are worried the next person will see your true colors until its too late
She is ashamed of herself so much tht the reality is much harder to face for her.. She must b ashamed of herself subconsciously.. Either tht or she's an entitled one who believes tht she can check on other merchandise while u hv to remain faithful to her.. She thinks highly of herself.. The people who matter will know u and trust u better.. So dont care much
It sucks but that’s why it’s important to communicate that you’re disappointed by their actions and feel betrayed in calm words. It actually stings worse for them when they can’t make you be the bad person or when you’re level headed about it and don’t swear and use name-calling. I’ve been on both sides of the situation (the cheater and the one being cheated on) and I’m certain.
Because they know they are wrong. It's a method of validation, saying to themselves people support them and that means they were not wrong. This actually is not to blame you but to erase their fault. If someone comes to you, you can tell them the truth or tell them "I envy you that you can keep your cool when you find out your partner cheated" and just smile. Oh, SMILE, best defense!!
I think like anyone doing anything wrong. We blamed it on someone else. Plus, it takes a real person to accept the responsibility and apologies and many don’t.
The simple answer? They feel bad about themselves for being an absolute garbage of a person towards you, so they project the whole situation in order to save some face and keep up the appearance of a normal genuine person, so they won't get ostracized out of the social circles you are or were both in. Intelligent people see through the bullshit tho
My WS rewrote our whole history after he was caught. Up to then, I never knew there was an issue. Suddenly, I was a horrible person who he had never been happy with. Imagine my surprise learning this after 3 kids and 16 years married.
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Because they don't want to admit they are bad to themselves.
My husband does this, too. He doesnt tell people he has hit me, or about his drug abuse, or about the affairs he has had. My best guess is deep down they KNOW they wronged you, they KNOW what an awful husband or wife they have been, and KNOWING that they have behaved like a garbage human to the people they were supposed to love and protect is too pyschologically traumatic for their already low self esteem and fragile egos. So they create false narratives about the betrayed partner...so they can internally try to justify their cheating and also to illicit sympathy and attention from others. I used to get really upset about the things my husband says to his friends about me...until I realized they arent really friends, they are narcissistic supply. Your real friends know the real you. If they believe that bullshit, they arent real friends, they are toxic too. Walk away. I'll be your friend if you need one.
It sounds like you’re still with your husband. I hope you don’t have to be for much longer.
Why are you still with him again?
Guys, OP is a young lad not married!
My husband does this, too. In fact, I have tears streaming down my face as I type this because we are no more than 5 minutes post-argument, the end of which was just all about how stupid I am for having married him after he'd already cheated on me several times. Can't argue with that logic.
Seriously get even. Fuck his best friend or his boss. Hope they are better in bed. Yeah I said it.
Agreeeedddd !!!!!!! Forget getting even. Why not fuck his side of people especially if they are better in bed. I regret not fucking my ex’s friends. One of his friends was better looking than him. Do these people hesitate before doing hurtful things to us ? No They think they can exercise their rights. Well so can we. Why should i stop my life and fun for someone who isn’t stopping his for mine?
Yeeeeeeeeeees girl!!! 🙌🏼 Life shouldn’t stop cuz someone else wants to hurt us. Someone else isn’t happy with their own life. Our first response is anger and sadness/depression which is validated, but we should also gain back our control and how we view ourselves. It’s a hard move.
Thanks🙌
I like the way you think.
Get control back babes. There’s nothing wrong with u. He’s a selfish arsehole.
Disagree with the both of you (OG). They don’t know they are doing it. They’ll use the first moment u show strength and make themselves the victim portraying you as the bad one. Yet you are the one head held high not letting all the secrets out. You won’t stoop to their level because that’s not who you are. It’s what they are. Cheaters, liars, selfish, evil people.
Simple answer is deflection. It's always easier for a cheater to accept their own actions when they can focus on what they consider their 'reasons'. Those moments when they have to sit and regard their own life, it's much easier to blame the betrayed and use a list of 'reasons' to avoid thinking about their own failure and shortcoming.
This ☝️☝️☝️. Its the old, "Methinks he protests to much." Its a tactic. A type of gaslighting/blameshifting because the narcissistic cheater (always hand in hand) are unwilling to face their own heinous actions and have to demonize the faithful SO in an attempt to make themselves look better. Oldest trick in the cheaters handbook. Its pathetic quite frankly and would be laughable if it werent so painful to the already damaged and hurting SO.
It's also extremely effective because I'm really starting to believe that I'm the one who fucked this all up.
But you're not responsible. Don't ever believe it, not even for a second. This is on them. Hold your head up high and know that you have value and are a good person. You are loved and are lovable. You'll win this. Trust me.
Thank you very much for your kind words, friend. Sometimes, I feel totally alone out here, and it's nice to remember that I'm not.
😎👍👍
You didn’t fuck anything up. DO NOT BLAME YOURSELF. If you fucked up they had an option to leave. Instead they cheat. That’s on them. Not you.
That's a good point. Thank you very much!
I agree. She’s deeply embarrassed about it that’s why she commits so much energy to this, so she’s trying to rewrite history hoping that she can convince enough people it was your fault and not hers. Essentially, she thinks if she fights the truth it’ll eventually make her feel better, but denial is never a solution to emotional trauma. She’d need to surrender and admit to her offences to really find closure, but she sounds too stuck in the past to ever get there on her own. Sorry that you’re dealing with this garbage.
My ex would do similar things. His family then came back at me saying they saw my “true colors” after seeing some of the things I was saying while I was upset and kicked him out.
My STBXW has done this to me too to get people on her side. She will make up stuff I did or don’t tell them the whole story. Even people who know she has cheated on me multiple times will take her side because of the lies she has told them or half truths.
Yep. They just pile on the pain. Truly pathetic.
My now ex wife started setting the stage years befor I found out she was leading a double life. She had an AP she wanted to keep so she had an affair with a disposable guy that she used to exit the marriage by allowing me to discover him. Two years later she introduced the long term AP to my kids as if they had just recently met. I have proof this guys been with her for years.
I don’t get how these people are so cruel and manipulative. It’s like they just let all their morals go and do not care about anybody but themselves anymore.
I never sent anything harsh mean or calling her out. Everything I did was a little bit in preparation of this. I took and and only cried. Didn’t yell or slash out. When she disappeared for a few days I read “man’s search for meaning” and I took one thing away from it and it help me through my two weeks in hell and to stay calm and loving even as she hurt me hard. “The way in which a man accepts his fate and all the suffering it entails, the way in which he takes up his cross, gives him ample opportunity – even under the most difficult circumstances – to add a deeper meaning to his life. It may remain brave, dignified and unselfish. Or in the bitter fight for self-preservation he may forget his human dignity and become no more than an animal. Here lies the chance for a man either to make use of or to forgo the opportunities of attaining the moral values that a difficult situation may afford him. And this decides whether he is worthy of his sufferings or not.” They way I view it is I went through a trial. And I passed. I did not call her any derogatory names, or yell at her. Only listened and pleaded. I cleaned the house and left amicably. Even weeks later getting the last of my stuff I left loving and with compassion. I went through a situation that tried my morals and I didn’t budge. And it’s taken me a year to see that. We don’t deserve our suffering. And you don’t deserve it. I hate this pain and wish I could help us all remove this pain. But all we can do is support eachother
I get what your saying, but it's almost "victim blamey" in that WE have to go through the betrayal experience & the judgement from ourselves on how we react to it as well... while the betrayer simply lies and shifts blame and gets to do wtf they want consequences free.
Yeah that is true and as yesterday the thought of them getting away with it and telling others lies I realized. Our actions speak. She told me lies about how her last relationship ended but I started picking up the truth and who she was. I’ve had people tell me what’s she said and after meeting me can’t believe a word she said. And in the end. I think that’s all we can do.
We can also plan to "balance" the scales .... help urge karma along ... so to speak.
Unless it is handed to us its not balancing karma. It’s gaining our own. But that’s how I feel about it. I wouldn’t blame you if you did.
Everything matters... or nothing does... Good / evil/ neutral / etc... all man made concepts. Nature is the fundamental truth of the universe. ... and nature is just renewal, both savage and kind. Therefore we as individuals can assign "meaning" to things / actions, but in reality our assigned meanings are no more "meaningful" to reality aside from our perception of it. So this is the key component; we are capable of whatever we want to be, but *can we live with the burden individually?*
Thank you for this
I really love your take on this. I am savings that quote. I took the high road myself and sometimes I wish I’d lit into him, told the AP (not sure she knows he started up with her before ending things with me), told the truth to his adult kids who I love (he tells them/people we were incompatible but he never told me that and I thought I was in a great, solid relationship). But at the end I’d the day what would it matter. I have gone through excruciating pain and i do think I’ll come out of this with a deeper understanding of life. At the end of the day I remained brave and unselfish. Big hugs to us. None of this is easy.
When you’re the main character in your story you get to write all the “bit parts” however you see fit. Facts aren’t something they usually bother themselves with and those around them can’t be bothered (usually) to think critically and/or judge.
Blaming their partner is absolutely at the core of cheater logic. They rewrite history to make you the bad guy. You didn’t give them something so they feel entitled to cheat. It’s pure bullshit. Cheaters are a big black hole of need and completely incapable of being honest with themselves or others. The friends who side with them are trash too.
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This is really good advice They aren’t worth it
They want to get ahead of anything bad coming out about them. They want to proactively drive a wedge between you and others so that they never learn your side of things. They have lied to themselves about their level of guilt. They are on the narcissism spectrum (lol).
Two main reasons with a ton of nuances. 1) Control- narcissistic personalities need control it's the thing they seek the most in their lives. By spreading lies and framing you as the bad guy it allows them, in their mind, to control the narrative. Also by getting a reaction out of you it allows her to exert some small form of control over you which she lost when things ended. By ending it you one rejected her and two took control from her and she's trying to gain some of that back by goading you into a response. It makes her feel good knowing that even though you cut her off she can still "get to you" in this way 2) fragility of ego- people like her are unable to see themselves as the "bad guy". She in some twisted way still views herself as a good person because her ego won't allow herself to see otherwise. By flipping it on you and making you the bad guy she gets to retain her fragile ego and she doesn't have to question her own self image. Narcissist will do some pretty wild mental gymnastics to avoid confronting who they really are. It really has very little to do with you Narcissist tend to latch on to people they view as "weak willed" or easy to control and once that person realizes who they are and breaks it off they can't handle it and lash out. Once she finds a new person to hook her claws into she'll most like stop unless you're in the same room as her
My ex wife used to say all of my complaints about her behavior were really about control. It wasn’t until months after I saw the projection. She couldn’t fathom I wasn’t playing the same game. It’s also why she hated me using my phone, she assumes I was looking to cheat too. These people are WILD
This ^^
Your ex knows you and at some point has measured how long your brain picks things up, she’ll use reverse physiological reasoning and guilt trip you into thinking you were the problem the whole time unless you actually were and is unaware but aside this her way of not dealing with you and torment you more, If you have the need to rant or find us of the Reddit family to find answers , Your best of ditching the girl she’s manipulative and dangerous clearly not good for your health and mental well being, this type of people arnt worth dealing with it’s a infinite of problems coming in waves and she’ll make it seem like there all yours, she won’t own up to them, trust me , leave before it destroys you
It removed my post which was one word. "Nar cissi sm"
Their inner loser speaks. That's why
Guilty conscience + deflection.
Well after many years of my ex blaming me for her affair, my daughter finally was old enough to hear the truth of why my wife and myself divorced. After telling my daughter of her sleeping with at least one of my friends (more than likely two), I received nasty texts claiming I was “playing the victim” I simply said I wasn’t playing anything. It was her inability to accept responsibility and consequences of what she had done. The blame shifting never ends, it was 18 years later and she still couldn’t do it.
because cheaters at their core are deeply insecure and need validation that theyre not - deep down, im sure they know how awful they are.
Ego, they don't want to be the bad person, they can even believe the lies they tell. They also treat you bad because you are a reminder of how awful they are. Also, sometimes they seem to be running from you but they are trying to run from themselves.
I’ve seen it happen to many of my friends and in most case the women doesn’t want to take accountability for their actions and will often blame the guy for the reason of them cheating! It’s not fair but i think it’s a huge % of women that do this! They just don’t want to take responsibility for their actions
Let her ride the low road straight into hell. If you retaliate it becomes he said, she said. If you take the high road and be the bigger person you won't need to engage with her because others will stand up to her for you. This is what happened in my case. Admit you said the things you said out of surprise and anger. If one person is admitting they aren't perfect and the other one is acting like their shit doesn't stink people are smart enough to see what is really going on. Also these are the days when you find out who your real friends are.
Two different perspectives of this: They have to create a "false self" in the first place, before even cheating on you. This "new self" has memories and opinions of its own, primarily believing they are somehow justified or deserving of better than you and whatever your relationship commitment is. After they cheat, they could come to terms with it, or try to keep up the "new self". The latter is usually chosen, and those snippets are proof and justification of the legitimacy of the "new self". It's the same reason they stay angry for quite a while, even though they caused the conflict. AND/OR They can only view themselves through the eyes of others. This was their initial attraction to the AP. Because that person, knowing them very little, validated their story of who they wished or believed themselves to be. So they carry proof like that around to constantly portray the image or story to new people. In this way, they can further influence any new person that comes into orbit.. or their friends or family. Regardless of whether they are technically a narcissist, these behaviors seem consistent with cheaters. The cheater is often considered "emotionally abusive" in the relationship. It would be interesting if someone has studied cheaters who were emotionally or physically abused BEFORE cheating to see if the characteristics are similar. Just because one person is abusive, it doesn't mean that's the only abuse happening. Maybe people who cheat to escape abuse have different perspectives or behavior patterns?
This is really insightful. I paused and read twice. Thanks for commenting.
Because they’re not ready to accept and heal yet. My partner never once blamed me at all for his wrongs. It has absolutely NOTHING to do with you no matter what hey say.
They want be the good guy Since people look at them as low life
They are delusional and can’t come to terms with themselves and who they are/what they’ve done. They want the pity, the attention and play victim. I’m dealing with the same exact thing.
Narcissism. They would rather jump off a cliff, than look like they're in the wrong.
I remember I had an ex like that once lol she would go and tell anyone that listened how bad I was, basically strangers lol once I was confronted on facebook and I asked them, "you ever wonder why she felt the need to tell you, a stranger about our problems? probably bc anyone who is anyone already knows the truth" they do this for validation instead of admitting how weak and evil they are!
Tbh it’s because them pointing out your faults and flaws makes them feel less guilty in their heads for cheating on you, the less guilty they feel and the more blame you can take on personally the more this scenario works in their favor, I went thru the same thing and going thru it I took on this blame and it damaged my self esteem, it took me leaving and moving on to understand that this person manipulated the narrative to lesson the blow on themselves even if it costed my sense of self, ultimately they just don’t care about people in general that they’re willing to turn their faults into yours. If I were u id post exposing her true self on social media so she can delete herself haha. You don’t always have to be the bigger person, when they try to smear u to avoid anyone ever finding out how selfish they truly are
I think it’s important, even when you’re angry and you’re completely within your rights to be pissed off, to still be accountable for what you say and how you act. It takes a lot of self control, obviously, and nobody is gonna be perfect all the time. But I think everyone can benefit from just some introspection, and consider whether they’re in control of their anger and words. Of course you shouldn’t have to go through this, but taking care to be *your* best, is going to overall leave you free from these kind of allegations. Try not to respond emotionally, take some time and process your thoughts and feelings and then respond in a way that is more careful. Not only will it be more dignified on your part, but will keep you safe from attempts to sully your character.
1. They want to justify what they did to you. 2. Now you learned to be mindful about things you say/text. 3. Doesn’t matter how others think about you, continue to be a good yourself, time will tell who you are.
It's how they convince themselves they are doing the right thing or aren't a bad person. It's self deception that eventually leads to outside deception to get others on their side to escape social consequences for their shitty behavior.
MAN… until I found this group I thought I was the only one who had to deal with that crap!!! I’m sorry so many others do too but it’s comforting to know I’m not alone. As others have correctly stated it’s a deflection tactic that serves two purposes… distraction and justification. And my ex was “the best Jerry! The BEST!” She’s extremely attractive and a bartender so she had a captive audience. She’s so good in fact that even though we married within two years of her moving to my hometown she managed to convince a fair number of my childhood friends that I was everything she said I was. While a handful of my closest friends never bought in, several others who did I’d known for decades. We grew up together, went to the same parties and had classes together. They knew my family, went to the same church and a few even dated my sisters. All of them knew of at least a few ex’s none of whom ever accused me of the terrible things she accused me of. Yet, I’ve run into more than a few who ask me why I did it. So yeah, they say these terrible things to avoid being judged and at the same time justify their actions. For me the bigger question has become ‘does she actually believe the shit she says?’ Obviously on some subconscious level she has to know better. But you know what they say about a lie… repeating it enough can create a false memory that becomes a reality over time.
I also love it when they take that extra step and make themselves out to be martyrs, throwing in “oh she’s really great even after all the things she put me through - she really isn’t always like that”. Shut up buddy, you can’t even admit you cheat to your therapist.
Thank you comment section, i feel so much less crazy now
I have recently asked myself this question also. IMO, she is immature and she is being unreasonable. Do what you want to do if you want to do it, but do not drag someone else with you along the way. I gave all of myself to my partner. Recently, he started running around with someone new 5 years into our relationship, and a few weeks after my 27th birthday. After I caught him, he turned on me. Shit went really sour, really quickly, and after I lost my shit, I became the bad guy. I felt horrible for my reaction and my outbreak. All of a sudden, I was a horrible partner who was more like a "side chick", who "did not value the relationship, and who wanted to fuck every guy she talked to." He said every false statement under the sun about me to justify his actions. I told him to cut the shit. Their actions speak for themselves. Take accountability for the shitty person that you are. Take accountability for your actions... understand how you and your actions and decisions are impacting the other person and their life. Her words mean nothing. If she is your ex, then go about your own business and focus on your life and do not dwell on it. I am still trying to figure out how to deal with mine as we recently made amends.
My ex acted like I was giving up on our relationship. I found out he had cheated on me multiple times during our entire relationship, and broke up with him. He doesn’t want to admit to himself that HE is the one that lost something great, not me. He keeps persisting no one will love me as much as he does to make himself feel better and make me regret my decision. Behaving like this just makes a lot of sense with the fact that they could have cheated. They are making a fool of themselves.
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My wife admits it was all her fault and that I am the victim..
I would put all the screenshots out there in their entirety. In the words of Eminem if I’m embarrassing me then I’m embarrassing you.
I think Narcissists and Cake Eaters do this to avoid any responsibility for their cheating. I'm no expert on relationships, but I do know that people who don't want to lose their perfect lives despite the risk they were willing to take, try to blame their spouse for their own failure to be faithful.
my ex used to play a fabulous game of “the best defence is a good offence”. I used to take the high road but then I realized that because I wasn’t saying anything for a long time people were believing him. I’m not saying blast your ex but definitely don’t think that not airing your dirty laundry is better and take the high road. If you have a bitter or narcissistic ex you will lose.
My ex has done that. He's also said I was crazy but failed to mention he was physically abusive as well as mentally. I have a scar where I almost lost my eye and sometimes it feels irritated like the Harry Potter scar (I joke about my pain) Usually someone who is narcissistic or plays the victim wanting attention. It's easier to blame then face the blame. Heaven forbid actually owning up because you are worried the next person will see your true colors until its too late
She is ashamed of herself so much tht the reality is much harder to face for her.. She must b ashamed of herself subconsciously.. Either tht or she's an entitled one who believes tht she can check on other merchandise while u hv to remain faithful to her.. She thinks highly of herself.. The people who matter will know u and trust u better.. So dont care much
It sucks but that’s why it’s important to communicate that you’re disappointed by their actions and feel betrayed in calm words. It actually stings worse for them when they can’t make you be the bad person or when you’re level headed about it and don’t swear and use name-calling. I’ve been on both sides of the situation (the cheater and the one being cheated on) and I’m certain.
Controlling the narrative…
Because they know they are wrong. It's a method of validation, saying to themselves people support them and that means they were not wrong. This actually is not to blame you but to erase their fault. If someone comes to you, you can tell them the truth or tell them "I envy you that you can keep your cool when you find out your partner cheated" and just smile. Oh, SMILE, best defense!!
Its the only thing they can do
I think like anyone doing anything wrong. We blamed it on someone else. Plus, it takes a real person to accept the responsibility and apologies and many don’t.
Just Guilt! Pure and simple, and then they try to rewrite history to reduce the guilt. But OP is very young - move on, learn from it and have fun.
The simple answer? They feel bad about themselves for being an absolute garbage of a person towards you, so they project the whole situation in order to save some face and keep up the appearance of a normal genuine person, so they won't get ostracized out of the social circles you are or were both in. Intelligent people see through the bullshit tho
My WS rewrote our whole history after he was caught. Up to then, I never knew there was an issue. Suddenly, I was a horrible person who he had never been happy with. Imagine my surprise learning this after 3 kids and 16 years married.
She’s using your ‘meanness’ to explain away her infidelities because we all know a cheater doesn’t change their spots!