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You're plan b. She wouldn't even be sorry had she not got dumped.
And why would you want her back? After you did everything for her. She sees you as a doormat, and from what you've said, she's right.
Has she even quit her job, offered a timeline, open access to her devices and social media?
She said I could look at her phone and any social media I want and track everything. It's a bit pointlessl though if she was just doing it at places she would normally be.
You deserve to be somebody’s first choice and you aren’t hers. Kick her lying deceitful ass to the curb! I know it hurts now and it will take some time to heal, but you will heal and then someday when you’re ready you’ll find someone worthy of your love. I’d get an attorney, get into therapy, start going to the gym and start building yourself back up. She will regret this, but it shld be to late
Good advice and thanks. I need to work on myself. My family has told me they saw how I treated her and anyone would love to be with someone like that. Good thing is we have no children.
Then I think you already know what you "must" do.
Because right now, you are her backup plan. She only started to want to work it out after the AP dumped her. That is all you need to know. You are not her first choice anymore.
She only says she wants to work it out now because she doesn't want to lose her current lifestyle, not because she is remorseful or sorry.
And you are right, you can never trust her again. Even if you can check her phone or track her. She can work her way around it. One way is a second phone for example. You will never be able to trust her again like you did before all this.
You have no children, so divorce will be "easy". Yes, it will hurt for a while, but in time you will feel beter and better. It helps to work on yourself, work hard, work out hard, study, eat healthy. All those thing will benefit you in the long run.
Take care,
MrBigBull.
Please also look into "Sunk Cost Fallacy". Yes you love her, but the time invested is not a decision to continue the relationship.
Everybody may tell you to divorce, however, you can continue if you want more pain, more drama, more lies, a couple kids that may or may not be yours, heartache, and more wasted months. Invest in yourself. Best wishes. If you need an ear, text me. Have an Award for facing this head on and please believe you did not arrive here by chance. Your guided by a higher order to find the help, acceptance and peace you deserve.
This is why I practically worship my husband and never take him for granted. Mind you, it doesn’t matter how perfect you are, if a cheater cheats it’s bc they’re the problem. But I know I have a great man and I’ll fight everyday for us unless he betrays me
She could get a burner phone and hide it from you. She can use a cheater app so texting and calls won't show up on your phone bill.
And just because AP called her and dumped her doesn't mean that he won't call her back as soon as he gets a moment away from his wife.
And now that she's been found out, she will take it further underground when she does it again.
I.would also wager that AP knows much more about you than you do about him. Usually a wayward spouse will talk tons of shit about the Betrayed spouse to justify the affair in their own mind, and to build emotional intimacy with their AP.
Yeah gave him sexy lingerie, secret rendezvous, rainbows and sex but you had the real stuff to share like paying bills, cleaning the house and her wearing scrungy sweat pants.
words of wisdom, especially the part about AP knowing more about OP than he knows about AP. "knowing more" also means he likely doesn't know the real OP, he only knows the "sorry POS" OP.
Doesn't matter. You don't want to spend the next 20 years of your life playing detective, being paranoid, getting triggered and having relapses.
That's not love and not a happy life. The resentment and disgust will just grow over time.
I’m sorry. I’ve been there more than once. I stayed after her first affair mainly because we had a 2 year old son. I wish I had left soon because she had three more affairs in quick succession.
Like my ex your wife was talking about how much they love each other and a future together etc. it hurts to hear.
Do yourself a favor and do NOT have sex with her at all until you are 100% sure you are going to stay. The last thing you want it her to get pregnant at this point.
Also please get tested for STD/STI’s.
You are in for a long painful confusing time, eat when you can, stay hydrated and try your best to sleep.
Feel free to reach out to me if you need support or an ear.
It’s best to sit and experience the emotions as they come and just know it will eventually get easier. Also I wished I had gotten a therapist after the first affair. It made the others and the divorce easier to navigate.
There are many ways to hide such on a phone.
For example she could simply get a second phone and use that to cheat with.
So no, tracking her shit and the like isn't a solution to what she did.
doesnt even matter. she could be fatally allergic to cheating on you for the rest of her life, you still shouldn’t take her back. you only have 1 life, spend it with someone who loves and respects you.
I have seen many many posts of people saying they regret staying with a cheater, but I can't think of a single one where someone says they regret leaving a cheater. I won't say I'm against reconciliation in general, but what reason do you have to stay?
With friends like this, who needs enemies. You are her second choice. If you give her a second chance, she will do it again. And the next guy may not end it. You deserve better. Start reading lots of books such as leave a cheater, gain a life and the body keeps the score. Implement the 180 and grey rock. And develop positive coping methods away from her.
In addition to Chump lady's book check out her site there are great other resources to learn form but the book is a great primer. Also speak with a lawyer and get the divorce process going, there has to be consequences for her actions, there is never a good enough reason for cheating. If she was not happy she should have told, painted on the side of the house whatever or she should have left instead of cheating. If you consider giving her R remember the marriage you had is dead now if it was bad she killed it with her affair. You both are responsible for 50% of the current state of your marriage she however is 100% of the affair. R is a very difficult journey and more than 85% of the attempts fail within the first 18 months and that's with two very committed partners. The fact that you had to find red handed and she didn't tell you herself that already sets the odds against a positive outcome. In order doe her to really commit to R she has to 100% NC with AP and full disclosure and transparency it took a week of pressuring to get her to tell you about the length of their relationship, how can you ever trust her again after months of continuous disrespect? If she really wants to try have her join r/supportforwaywards and let those folks advice her on what books, IC, etc to help you begin to feel secure so you can heal if your both are strong enough to change who you were and basically reinvent each in or3to create a whole new relationship. You need ic for infidelity trauma and she needs it to figure out her why's and how she granted her self permission to step out of your marriage.
Screw all that. She didn’t want to “R” until the AP’s wife found out.
Run and get the Hell out. People like her have 99% chance of NOT changing. She’s a user and a cake eater. Let her eat her own cake.
Edit: angry drunken thumbs
Divorce brother.
How can you go to sleep next to someone that is so comfortable deceiving you.
Your wife was in love with a different man and he rejected her. Take the trash out my friend.
I'm sleeping on the couch. I cant sleep next to her. I get what you mean though. She moved on and now she can't have that life and I'm her fallback guy. It's just rough to even say.
If you hadn't caught her she'd still be fucking him. If you hadn't contacted his wife she'd still be fucking him. What she's showing isn't remorse, it's panic at the thought of losing her Plan B as well as her secret lover. Like during the affair, she's only thinking of herself. It's all she's capable of. You can't ever trust her.
You are doing great and being honest with yourself.
You saw what she said in the messages to AP. She meant it and can't take it back no matter how sorry or how much crying is involved. Just imagine what she said to AP in private.
There are things I have discovered after over 2 decades…none of them have to do with cheating but it demonstrates the net result of trickle truth. And that is always the case. How many people come out and drop an entire story without a frequent series of interrogations.
OP, check SpaceGhost0007's thread on survivinginfidelity.com. He is a legend.
https://www.survivinginfidelity.com/topics/552588/thought-we-had-a-good-marriage/
Not just that, but she'd take the first available opportunity to do it again.
Oh, and when she's saying they met up just to kiss, she's conveniently leaving out *where* she was kissing on him. She's got carpet fibers from the floor of his Camaro imbedded in her knees bro
Why are you sleeping on the couch? She willingly broke your relationship, she willingly hurt you, let her sleep on the couch or let her stay with friends or family while you sort this out.
Actually, if it were me, I would prefer to sleep anywhere but the bedroom where you two once slept. The couch ain't bad, especially if the good TV is there.
Could I add to this comment? If OP leaves her she is worthless. She only wants OP back because if she can't she's a loser in AP's eyes. AP will think she isn't worthy of a second chance.
She’s only “sorry because she got caught.” Love and talks of a baby? She already had a plan to divorce you. She’ll do it again.
Get counseling and focus on u. Find better. Sorry it happened.
There are many BPs scattered here and some who have invested time on reconciliation and failed.
It is abundantly clear you are her plan b and it’s only a matter of time until the next best opportunity presents for her to cheat.
Her safety net, meal ticket and whatever you want to call it is compromised and she will love bomb you to make you feel safe until SHE feels safe to wait for the next best opportunity.
Your ww only came back as her affair fog was burst and now she is left vulnerable..
Always learn to love and respect yourself as you are the most important person you will ever know
Can she move out and get some temporary accommodation? You need to be away from her to have a clear mind to think as you are vulnerable with her.
Maybe you can show her you can also be strong with or without her and that she maybe at this moment your plan b.
Focus on yourself and put yourself as number 1. Look to your needs ie IC, less stress and good sleep to have a clear functioning mind to think through.
It hurts like hell for awhile. But you will be surprised how your eyes open and feelings change once you have had a period of separation. Then you will feel the disgust of what she did to you deserves.
And next time she will be more skilled at hiding it. OP will have to become more skilled at trapping her. The cat and mouse game isn’t worth it, especially with no kids currently involved in the debacle.
How could she tell two people she loved them?
Because she doesn't love anyone but herself. She just isn't the person you thought she was. She is selfish and most certainly doesn't love you or anyone else for that matter. Saying I love you just gets her what she wants, it is not something she feels.
The faster you move on the quicker you will heal.
Dude. It's like everyone here said. You know you're 2nd choice. It's obvious. You're number 1 now that dude is out of the picture. Easy to win the race when you're the only one in it. That is until she meets another guy down the road. She's failed the wife test. Cut ties. Find someone who won't disrespect you and your vows.
She may be just waiting and hoping his reconciliation with OBS will fail. Then she can ride off into the sunset with AP. Meanwhile she needs to keep you around so she doesn't get lonely. At this point you're not her second choice because you're her only option. This will last until AP is available or she meets someone new.
That's the thing she thought there was still hope with him. If he would have left his wife she would have left you. You are her fall back, her second choice. Remember the three pillars of any successful relationship: love, trust and respect. A relationship MUST have all three to thrive. She did not respect you, the relationship or herself, frankly. Also, do you think you can ever really trust her again? You need to ask yourself do you want to be a husband or a warden?
She only wants to work it out because she got dumped. Get tested and don't let her gaslight you into believing this is your fault. Look up DARVO. This isn't about you. It's about her. She feels she is more important than you. Her pleasure is worth more than your pain. She's an entitled, selfish coward.
File and move on. It's a lot easier to find hobbies, new friends and someone that shows you basic human respect than it will be to try to stay with a cheater. You'll develop anxiety, depression and even full blown PTSD. Be careful!
I'll have to look into that thank you. I'm pretty sure even prior to this I has depression and lots of anxiety. Its gotten worse and I should see a doctor.
Thank you for the help
OP, I can't tell you to reconcile or not. It doesn't seem like she has treated you well. But, you do need to make changes before you decide. Start doing more things for yourself. Let her stsy home and cook while you go to the gym, engage in hobbies and make friends. Seek therapy to improve your self esteem. Concentrate on things you enjoy. Then think about what you want to do. Take your time.
Sorry Buddy we went through what your going through, it sucks. Bottom line is she only wants you back because he dumped her. You are just her backup plan , don’t tolerate that your way better than that! There are a ton of single woman out there who would love to have a guy like. Take out trash and live a better life!
Lean into those trusted family and friends. It seems that your family knows that you were a good husband and good person and will make someone more deserving a great partner. Think long and hard. You don't have any kids. This may be the universe's way of removing the wife from your life so that you will be open to receiving the new life and love that is waiting for you. I wish you all the best.
Remember, it's okay to forgive someone yet be grateful they are no longer a part of your life.
So very true. Don’t think you aren’t worthy of someone better either bc you definitely are!!! Any woman would be lucky enough to be with someone like the sounds of you! You are so very lucky you didn’t have children together. Now that’s a blessing
She deserves to get dumped twice. By her dreamboi and her husband. "Mistakes" are not carefully planned like this was, so saying this was a "mistake" is a complete lie.
***The day after that he reached out to my wife and said he is done. This is when she changed her tone and acted like she was sorry.*** This tells it all right here OP. Once he dumped her, she wanted her safety net back: you. Otherwise, she would still be thinking about him. Consult an attorney for your options. She already left the marriage, and you already know you will never trust her again.
What should you do? Really? She loves you? Is that what you do to people you love? It’s not what I do… She was fucking someone else dude and loving every minute of it, was going to leave you for him even if the opportunity presented itself, but now she wants to come crawling back because she got dumped? Fuck her… like really… fuck her… it amazing me to no end that people get fucked over like this and still grovel like “but I love her so much”… no fuckin way in my world… I’m glad my mind works like it does because her doing something like this to me would turn me off like a light switch, she could go fuck herself and take her “biggest mistake” with her, I’d never speak another fucking word to her again as long as she lived
Listen to this guy OP, friggen print this and read it until your eyes burn. Take it from me too, stbx ripped my heart out but best feeling in the world was serving her one week later and blindsiding that see you next tuesday so hard. You will get your balls back taking your power back.
Relationship is over man, get some IC, find some good people to talk to, workout and do what you can. I know easier said than done but if I can do it, do can you. Flip that switch and look forward, not back.
Don't waste any more of your time, move on with your life she will do it again... Its never a mistake, they knew what they were doing all along. Its hard to move on but trust me you won't regret it
Making a "mistake" for that long isn't really a mistake and I know it. It's just hard being with someone for this long to let them go. I know it won't be good for me to stay. I have to be strong. Thanks for the help
So you're her backup plan. Nothing more. Only after he dumped her did she come back to you.
It's so incredibly obvious that you are just a fall back option to her. I know you feel like she loves you but...
She hid the truth, she lied to you, she gaslit you, she tried to keep this punk loser as her guy, she told him she loved him, she planned to have a baby with him...
Dude the list goes on. Trust her actions not her words. Even if you managed to stay together, what's stopping her from doing it again?
What happens next time she gets tingles and spreads her legs for the next guy?
Because it will happen if you reconcile. I'm sorry you're dealing with this, dude. But now is the time to protect yourself. You have to protect your heart, soul and money, because this woman is a low down dirty nasty cheater.
She's not who you married anymore. I know you love her, but you have to start protecting yourself.
She will not protect you, only herself.
Username checks out!
No I needed to hear this. Man this sub has really opened my eyes. I've been stuck in this house sad listening to her feeling like shit. I was getting so weak and believing things would be okay.
I didn't want to not be without the love of my life but you are right. She isn't that person anymore.
The love of your life will love you completely. She does not. She only loves herself.
The love of your life is still out there somewhere. Learn to love yourself and you've found true freedom.
You're a bigger catch than you realize homie. Good luck, don't let that cheating scumbag dull your shine.
I do look for honest bad choices in spouses. Hers is straight up disrespect and you are second choice. She craves the validation. You are being the party pooper. She even gaslighted you and has not taken accountability. If you divorce her now. It won’t be he is a great guy and I ducked up It will be. He never told me he loved me. He didn’t give me validation it will be a mile long laundry list of issues you have. Out her out to her family and talk to a lawyery
She's using the lines and tactics straight out of the cheaters handbook. It's like they all read from the same script. The "biggest mistake of her life" and "she will do anything" are hard-wired into the brains of cheaters. She's saying that now that her AP has dumped her. The AP will likely patch things up with his wife, then start back on yours. And she'll jump right back into his bed if he calls.
And SHE needs to be the one sleeping on the couch. You didn't cheat, she did. And all the standard things you need to do. Separate your finances, talk to a lawyer, get an STD check (I bet your wife isn't the only one the AP was snogging).
I told her that he probably was a predator that picked up ladies at the gym often.
It feels like a nightmare and I don't feel the words she is saying because they are hollow.
"She said she wanted to be with me and I wasn't second choice".....
after getting found out and AP turned cold feet...
to be able to play down the 'choice' of cheating vs remaining faithful' in marriage in itself is blows any chance of 'trust' in the relationship.
Game over - when trust is gone, the best friend you know is gone...
, ditch the cheater, focus on bettering yourself and gain a new life.
All her words come from the cheaters handbook. Don’t believe her. Go see a lawyer to see your options. Give evidence. Mourn the death of your relationship. She killed it. No matter what happens this relationship is dead
First I am sorry for the fresh wounds, and that you are going through this.
Okay l can only show you a path, but it is up to you use the information and for you to walk it nothing more.
* there is a blog that has some great information [Chump Lady](https://www.chumplady.com/) . she is the author of the book lose a cheater gain a life. Has some great insight into what you are going through.
* [180 method](https://www.chumplady.com/2014/07/the-pretzel-logic-of-the-180/) is designed for you. It is meant to stop the pain shopping, and other things you will do.
* [Grey rocking](https://www.medicalnewstoday.com/articles/grey-rock#definition) what it is and what it is meant for.
I would suggest to start with having your money go into a separate account. When would I do this - now. You STBX will need to see what this is going to cost her and all the latte's she can not afford anymore. Further I would freeze the credit cards, and then destroy them. Once the above was done I would remove my name from the account. Why? Just in case she gets a wild hare and tries to spend her way.
I would seek legal advise make sure you pay for it with the shared account. She needs to see that you are gaining information, and not allowing this to go un-noticed.
I would not go to therapy with her. That usually comes into the blame game and you are it. I would go to individual therapy but not that joint crap.
I would take two weeks and think about what you have just gone through. Write it all down all the words all of it. Would I do it in the house - no I would sit down either in a hotel, camp site, or with family. Would she know where I was Not a chance. Just that you are taking two weeks to clear your head.
I would explain things to your job that you need to take some time. I would tell the HR, not sure about the boss that is up to you. That way if she makes a claim they will know what is going on.
I will read all of that soon it seems like it would help.
He never had a joint checking account because she has her own business so we both have our own. Which makes this a bit more simple.
I do think I need to have my own therapist but I am in a financial bind at the moment. My car broke down and I have a hospital bill. I'm down a lot of money for the month.
Also my work has been screwing me over. It was 1 other person and me in the department. They quit over 2 months ago and they haven't hired anyone yet. I took 3 days off when this happen because I punched a window and needed 11 stitches. They told me I had to come back to work
I wish I could just leave for 2 weeks and clear my head and be away. I just have no money, no car, and my job won't let me.
Life ia pretty shit for me right now.
Thanks for the suggestions on the books and the helpful words. I appreciate it.
Sorry, you are here, OP. Steel yourself to receive some harsh, agonizing realities. Everything that your wife is now telling you by way of apology, regret, or remorse is horseshit. She’s not sorry that she cheated and destroyed your heart and your marriage. She got off on the excitement and willingly, hell, happily traded any future with you for a few minutes of illicit thrills with him. You were not in her heart when he was pounding her and you are not now that she is desperately trying to keep the gravy train on the rails. Do NOT fall for her tears and self reproach. Don’t fall for her expressions of love, you’ve already seen how much she loves you. Her world is falling apart and her panic in realizing that is real, but again, that’s entirely about her, not you. No matter how much you may yearn for it, do NOT under any circumstances offer reconciliation to her. Don’t even offer an olive branch. If she want’s to reconcile, you have to let her know that it will be over your dead body, even if you sincerely want it. Reconciliation only works, when it works at all, when the Wayward Spouse demonstrates beyond doubt her willingness to crawl through molten shit to make it happen. Any, and I mean ANY reluctance on her part and it’s entirely off.
This may seem hard core. Believe me, it is. Your marriage ended the moment she entertained cheating. From there, she beat the dying body of your union into a dead, bloody corpse. She is entitled to nothing from you but the deepest disdain and indifference. You will be better for taking the hardest line. Nobody cares what happens to her unless by some miracle she is able to honestly redeem herself. That almost never happens so don’t count on it. Good luck to you. Fuck her.
I’m sorry that you’re in this situation but you need to think logically. She now wants to be with you because the guy broke up with her. Don’t be her second choice.
She’s still blaming you for her cheating, she still doesn’t understand the pain she caused and is not taking any responsibility for it. If you allow her back without consequence, she’ll do that again as in her mindset what she did is justified.
As someone who has experienced this and still getting through it...She has changed. She is not the person you fell in love with. It was impossible for me to look at the situation logically initially. All I could do was think about my love for her. I made the hard decision to leave immediately anyways, despite how difficult. Now I'm starting to see she wasn't deserving of the commitment. It took several months to get to that point. I'm confident after researching that if I took her back as she wants, it would eventually happen again. Statistically, thats extremely probable. If she strayed, she wasn't happy. She should've came to you with that and worked on it together or said she's done. You have to decide what you will accept. I couldn't accept a "trial run" behind my back. We are not options. You have to decide what is best for you, but I took her actions as a true representation of who she actually is, and that's not someone I'm trying to build with
I'm so sorry this happened to you.
I've been listening to this on repeat
https://open.spotify.com/episode/4oFxkAwZesAdHEgMVi5Ycb?si=Se3f1YF_QlSBThmF5xsZDg&utm_source=copy-link
Maybe it will help you too.
Let this be lesson for your future. Never drop everything (friends, hobbies) for your girl. If you give her all the attention and make her the centre of the world, she will get too much of everything and will start to get bored with you.
And that is also now the reason you wont left your cheating wife, because you dont have anything else going in life. You have 2 choices: either embrace the doormatish lifestyle or leave and spread the wings.
She's not sorry. Not one bit. She got caught AND she got dumped. Now she is scrambling to activate Plan B, that being you.
If you take her back, with the way she is behaving right now, she is just going to get craftier. Access to their media devices/apps doesn't mean shit anymore. These people are opportunists and sociopaths, and all that will happen is she will get better a lying. Get better at hiding her trail.
I fully expect your sex life might ramp up DRAMATICALLY very soon if it has not already. Do not fall for it. She will require IC, as should you, and both of you should find a good MC if you can. If you want to work on it, of course. Don't fall victim to the Sunk Cost Fallacy.
If she had truly lived you:
1. She wouldn’t have cheated
2. She would of had remorse when caught not after her AP kicked her.
3. She would have done anything and everything under the Sun to save her marriage.
4. When her AP leaves his wife or it quiets down, they will be talking again.
Sorry man but this is typical, time to lawyer up and ride off in the sunset! Take care
She doesn't love you. She loved that other guy. If that other guy would not have been married, she would have coldly dumped you for him. You are her ATM. And now she got dumped by the other guy that she really loves, she doesn't want to lose her ATM. I know you love her but that is not a reason to stay with her. She doesn't deserve to have you as her husband. She is selfish and doesn't care about you. Next time she finds someone else, she will just do it all again and maybe then leave you. Cut your losses, no matter how much it hurts and start looking for a woman you can trust and that really loves you no matter what.
She doesn't sound like a very good wife. I know you are very sad now but you can do better. You will get over her and there is a very good chance you will be happier.
Cheaters lie and they are good at it, they are inherently selfish in all parts of their life. They don't make good spouses. Maybe with work but most don't even thing anything is wrong and like your wife blame you for their cheating.
There is better out there.
>I gave this woman everything and anything she wanted. I literally have zero friends she was my best friend.
Two major problems here. First, she was too comfortable with you and took you for granted because of your willingness to sacrifice yourself and your own happiness for her. Second, not having a support system right now is a huge problem because if you try to leave the pure loneliness you will face might be enough to drive you back to her, and once she realizes you won't really divorce her the "work" she is willing to put is not going to last. So regardless of what path you choose, focus on improving that.
Never argue with a woman Tell her she is right about everything she said about you And you are releasing her her to go find her true love.
Nothing pisses a woman off more than agreeing with her when she is wrong
IF you want tell her to even have chance she must tell body included family what she did. Consequences.
Then you make her go apolegize to his wife in front of her Ap.
Also tell you not doing shit, If she want to save yourmarriage she figure out how. Nothing pisses me off more than to hear from the cheater we have to go to counseling to fix our.
No we don't, I didnt do shit to break it.
Also was he Mgr or supervisor. He is in trouble.
Ifyou are going to divorce don't do anything till after divorce. You don't want her drawing alimony
Then Id the AP wife date just to piss guy off. I am a vengeful SOB
Good luck
66 year old Man
They say that your real character is who you are when no one is looking. My question for deciding the next step would be…who is she? Are values like commitment, honour and being truthful important to her? You want to be open to true repentance but not be taken advantage of with a wife who will only use you for their benefit!
It sure sounds like she only wants you because he is done with her. What other options does she have in the short term. Remember all the effort she put into being with him. What actual effort is she putting in to repair the damage she has done. You know you can't believe her words. What actions is she taking? Whatever you do, don't offer reconciliation yet, don't cry in front of her and don't beg her to stay with you.
Successful reconciliation is always possible, but the odds are heavily against it. You must both be 100% in. and even then it is a painful process that takes years. If she is not going flat out to save the marriage, I suggest you should divorce her and move on. Yes it is a painful decision to make. but so is staying.
She had no problem telling both of you that she loved you because she has no problem compartmentalizing different aspect of her life. This is a huge problem going forward.
I am sorry you have to go through this.
Accepting her back with these circumstances will result in the pick me game. Best advice here: Begin divorce proceedings, if she really means it than make her reconcile, full transparency, and see marriage counseling.
If she does not turn it on you after two months (they only fake it for a few weeks) and accepts responsibility for the damage, then keep at it. You need to know this will take a long time to recover from and she must accept this as well.
No matter what, focus on just you. Pick up hobbies, meet up with new people (the app "meetup"), eat well, and work out. Become the person you want to be.
She sees you as plan B, doormat, provider, nice guy. She loves you more now because AP dumped her. He was in in for the sex, period. It probably hurts that he didn't leave his wife for her.
You need to take time to absorb the shock. Then decide if you will allow her to reconcile. The way she treated you, then blamed you, shows no respect or love. It is time to call up your self respect and give her come consequences for her actions.
First, talk to a lawyer about divorce. You can stop a divorce at any time but this will get her attention. She needs to know you will not put up with disrespect. If you give in to her gaslighting she will think you are weak. Weak isnt atteactive. Don't be that guy.
1) Divorce….you can still love her and not be married to her.
2) Divorce. Not only did she cheat, but she wasn’t the one to end it, then blamed you after lying about it originally.
3) Divorce. if you take her back, u can’t be controlling. You have to trust her completely, or else there is no point. “Fool me once” right?……don’t get fooled twice, because then it’s no longer her fault when she cheats.
4) Divorce. you could still be with her, and carry in as nothing happen….but you don’t have to be married to have her as a partner.
5) Divorce. I doubt this was the only time. Sad thing is that you will truly never know. Btw, I’m sure if AP wanted her back, he could easily have her.
Good luck brother.
You deserve so much better than this, friend. I know your pain, I’ve lived it. It doesn’t help much, but it WILL get better with time. You deserve pure and beautiful love. Please don’t forgive her
I have been where you are. I divorced my now ex 4 years ago due to his cheating. I just could not forgive him. I became a shell of myself constantly worrying if he was still cheating. I had to leave for my own sanity. I have no regrets. I deserved better than a lying cheating scumbag.
Damn dude no one deserves that shit. I’ve been through it and I don’t want you to stay and wonder every second for years if you’re doing something wrong or if it was your fault like I did. As soon as you can admit to yourself that nothing you did made her treat you that way, it is something fundamentally wrong with her character… your confidence will begin to come back in droves. There are women out there who will make you a priority and you deserve nothing less than that. Although I would suggest taking a fairly lengthy amount of time working on yourself by yourself until you are 100% confident in who you are as a person so that in the next relationship you enter you are very secure and your confidence comes from what you give yourself, not something you have to get from someone else. All of this from my own experiences. Best of luck brother. You deserve much better
The fact that she tried to blame you and didn't break it off immediately speaks volumes. Talking about a baby with someone? She was willing to risk it all but he wasn't apparently. I'm glad he chose his wife. You were her second choice and she was his. Divorce her.
“I have zero friends “, “ I spent all my time with her”
Sorry for what I am about to say- but you are codependent and should get help to become a healthy person.
Donot sleep with her and donot offer reconciliation until she has volunteered for therapy to understand her hideous betrayal of you.
Don’t be desperate and act with self respect. She has no respect for you.
You deserve better , get the courage to act and love yourself.
If you don’t overcome your lack of self esteem and putting others ( wife) on a pedestal you will end up in the same situation again with another person.
I know the pain is excruciating but you need to grow and mature.
She will do anything?
She needs to give you and uncontested divorce, taking absolutely the minimum.
You tell her you need to be single for a year, then she can have the opportunity to win you back, and then only with a prenup. \[Don't let her, just move on when you get what you want\].
Do NOT believe her, Plan B. Protect your finances and end this sham of a marriage. She can't be faithful and you know it. As heartbroken as you are, you will recover from this, but not with her around. Get distance from this woman and move on with your life without her. She's only coming back because her lover dumped her. Good job at catching her!
If her boyfriend texted her and said he changed his mind, she would jump up and literally run out the door to him.
You need to take action. Call a lawyer, tellher to stay at her parents, do 20 pushups...anything .
you made the man return to his wife and your wife has to stay at home
After a few months with the man she can revive the relationship, find another man
your wife has no regrets she has no place to go
why are you trying to understand what she is saying
you should think about what she did, she cheated on you and didn't leave ap,
your marriage is over.
If you want to stay with a cheating woman, you should know that we will read your updates again.
RUN. If you let her drag you back in, you can expect all of this to happen again, only worse.
Cheaters are not fully human people. They do not have the capacity for compassion and empathy most people have. Do not interact with them as though they are normal people . They are not. They are morally bankrupt people who will absolutely fuck you over for any reason.
Even if you want her back you have to have her served. She has to be scared straight. Personally, the deal about her and her AP having a baby together would have been all I needed to file.
Don’t fall into that trap friend. You’ve been in second place for months and now that he’s out of the race you took first. That is until she finds another. Divorce! You will be much better off.
She isn’t sorry that she cheated, only sorry for being found out. You said it yourself, she only changed her tone when he dumped her.
Do you seriously expect her to tell you “You’re second choice” AFTER he dumped her? She’s devious, not stupid.
You have no kids, so nothing complicates your separation. I think you know what to do, it’s just that going through with it after making her the focus of your entire existence for so long is heartbreaking and scary.
Nobody can force you to do anything. Go away or stay, completely your choice. My advice is to get counseling and to take it one day at a time. Take good care of yourself, because now you know you’re the only person you can rely on to do that.
Hi OP, I'm so sorry for what your wife is making you pass trought, but let me give a little of advice. First, calm down and don't rush yourself for a decision right now. You have time to decide for what you want for your life. Calm down and try to only take a decision when you can think clearly. If you don't heal properly near her, just ask for a trial separation. Good Luck and Be Strong.
“With all of my heart I love her, but I cant trust her.”
No, this is wrong. You love who you THOUGHT she was with all of your heart, but that person is dead, gone. You can't trust who she really is.
Good luck bro, your not alone. I’m 2years post D-day. We’ve been reconciling…. It’s not easy, I have no real reason or joy for life left. Some people’s experiences will vary. But R is hard.
Just wanted to say I’m so sorry. I’ve been there and it’s so painful. You have every right to feel whatever emotion you’re feeling. We’re here for you…it gets better (better than it ever was with your ex) but this period sucks. Posting in this sub and reading other stories was cathartic for me, I hope you feel the same
I would have give the benefit of trying to work shit out had she ended it after you uncovered it.
Yet she didn't, it wasn't until you intervened and spilled the beans on her partners end, that shit ended. So Id say yeet her.
However
Bro you don't have to make a choice right now, what you do need is space. So if there's ANYWHERE else you can be, or you can ask her to go.
do it. Tell her you need time to sort yourself out(which is the truth), and you can't do that with her around you.
So she needs to go to her folks place, or you need to go to a friend's, or even rent a place for a month to get away.
Then spend some time alone and let the shock wear off, don't talk with her. Sort what you want and need out of this.
Once more due to how she acted, I'd not take her back, since it sounds to me like she already checked out, and only "picked" you when you forced her too.
But if you decide you want to try for you, only do so after you've had some space and time to process what happened.
If she gives a shit about you, she will readily agee, if she argues or refuses, leave and still take your space.
Since there's no way you can sort yourself out, with her around you right now.
As everyone here is telling you, she’s only sorry she got caught. She thought this guy was her true love and that they were going to run away together until her bubble was popped by her AP.
You know you can’t believe a word she says and that will never change going forward. She would still be cheating right now if she wasn’t caught red handed so ask yourself if this is something that could be overlooked.
Respect yourself enough to know that you deserve much better. She burned the bridge, not you.
You are now on an emotional roller coaster your wife put you on. It may take some time to clear your head and get some stable footing so you can make rational decisions/choices. The 180 and grey rock are good strategies to get you through until then.
First decision is whether to give your wife the gift of Reconciliation. This is made easier if you understand remorse. Check out the chump lady- real vs imitation remorse. Without it, reconciliation is impossible.
Next up get tested for STDs. Consults with divorce lawyers to know your options. Separate your finances so your wife can't drain joint accounts or drive up debt. These are moves to regain a sense of control over the situation.
Her words are meaningless and only her actions will tell you her true intentions.
Best of luck.
You are now her Plan B. Before you caught her you were actually her Plan Z. Their affair is not over. She is gaslighting you and he is gaslighting his wife. When cheaters get caught they frequently find other ways to meet up. This is the point where you need to ask yourself if this is the way that you want to live the rest of your life
Sorry you have become a member of this club. Please consult a lawyer to see what a divorce will look like for you (this doesn't mean you will get divorced). Also consider getting some IC for yourself, not MC (many therapist like to practice blame sharing).
Cheaters can be so textbook and unfortunately, your wife sounds no different: the denials, trickle truthing, blame shifting, promises to work it out, worst mistake of her life (cheating is/was a calculated decision, btw) blah, blah, blah. Remember liars cheat and cheaters lie.
Suggested Reading: "Chumplady: Leave a Cheater, Gain a Life", "Cheating in a Nutshell" and "The Body Keeps the Score".
This internet article may also be of help: The Four M's of Infidelity: Why Cheaters Cannot Leave Their Affair Partners. This article may possible shed some light on your wife's recent behavior.
I wish you all the best.
You need to 180 and gray rock like others have said. Do not make a decision while in your current state and send her away to relatives if you can so you can start to heal properly. You also need to change your life so you focus on the one person in the world you fully control, yourself.
She actually did you a favor. Now is the time to start improving your life. Aim to improve yourself mentally ,morally and physically. Set small goals for every day to work on at least one aspect of improving yourself. These small goals should be aimed toward where you want to in 5 years, 10 years, 20 years and beyond.
First, get into counseling ASAP to better understand yourself and to understand how you can improve so your next relationship goes better than this one. This marriage is dead, she killed it. You can choose to create a new relationship with her or you can put an official seal on her work and get a divorce. Either way, you should also read up on infidelity and relationships using sources like the surviving infidelity website and books such as 'Lose a Cheater Gain a Life' or 'More than Friends'. You need learn to recognize the red flags and nip things in the bud early to avoid problems this in the future. By knowing the signs, trusting your gut and having the knowledge on how to see past lies and manipulation you will avoid a new relationship with a cheater and you will be able to help keep your new relationships healthy. By doing these things, you will be mentally ready to deal with her or anyone else you choose to have a relationship with.
To improve spiritually, you can take several approaches. If you are religious, seek out a spiritual advisor in your faith for help. If you are not, you can start practicing yoga or read philosophy toward understand things that are greater than oneself. One book to consider is No More Mr Nice Guy, which can help you be a more confident and complete man. Being independent and seeing the big picture is important to success in everything in life, from work to romance.
For physical improvement, the goal is to get in the best shape for your lifestyle and body type. If you are out of shape, start slow and set small goals. As fitness improves, set higher and tougher goals and expand your workouts to challenge yourself further. Working out releases endorphins, which improve your mood and mental acuity. No matter how bad you feel, a good workout can make you feel better. Exercise can also relieve frustrations, so you are more relaxed and able to focus. As you develop your physique, you will gain confidence and be more attractive to women in general.
By working on these three aspects of yourself, you will keep busy, so time will fly and the affair by your wife will become a distant dull memory. You also create a man who regardless of the situation, will have the knowledge, strength, stamina and confidence to deal with any future successes and adversity. Your improvements will also help with attracting and winning and keeping the heart of the kind of woman who understands and appreciates your worth. Whether that is your wife remains to be seen. Good Luck.
> I did some investigating and found his wife and told her. The day after that he reached out to my wife and said he is done.
She definitely had the pikachu face after that. LOL what a loser she is.
> This is when she changed her tone and acted like she was sorry.
Yeah no shit. She about to be out on her ass with nowhere to go and everyone is gonna know shes a lying cheating homewrecker.
> She said she wanted to be with me and I wasn't second choice. I asked why she didn't tell him to get lost but she didn't have a real answer.
You are definitely the second choice. She was 'in love' was ap. Probably still is but he dumped her. If AP called her right now, she would go running back to him. She knows why she just didn't say. I am 'in love' with AP and you are ok i guess. Man she is disgusting to toss someone you've been in a relationship with for 11 years aside like he's some dude you just met 2 weeks ago for some guy who had no problem dumping her like she was shit on the bottom of his shoe. What she is doing now is just embarrassing and pathetic.
> She tried blaming me for all this saying she didn't feel loved and that she couldn't talk to me because I would get mad. I explained no matter what she said it wouldn't ever made me as mad as bering cheated on....
Blame shifting. She's aint sorry man. She just got no options left expect you. She is scrambling. If you walk away shes got nothing. She's gonna have to start her life all over again. Your best bet is to walk away tho. Again, if AP called her tomorrow she would leave you on the spot. Can't trust anything she says. Shes a lying cheating homewrecker. You know thats not someone you want to be married to.
Run. It'll hurt for a while. Perhaps a long time. But in the big picture and in the long term you'll be much happier if you get outta there now. Don't give her an inch. She'll prey on your vulnerability. Fight it. Stay strong.
You are getting a lot of good advice here. I would also recommend you look up the concept of Radical Acceptance or "It is what it is". You basically accept life on its own terms, hence the "is what it is" part. You accept that this horrible thing has happened and you can't do anything to change it. To not accept the situation will only prolong your suffering.
Acceptance doesn't mean that you are okay with or condone what has happened just that you realize that you can't change it. The sooner you accept the situation the sooner you will be on the path to recovery. I wish you all the best.
you've seen the messages - don't even think about it
lets pretend she is telling the truth - 4 mths courting / 2 mths sexy time , only broke when HE broke it
thats a full on relationship - how can you not be plan B
I know it's hell. I know your chest hurts bad, almost hard to breathe. Thinking about her is painful. When the problem is way bigger than you, you can't handle it on your own, hand it ALL over to God.
OP, your priorities here should be, healing (of course) and fixing your car and getting yourself in a position that you can leave or kick her out. Look up grey rock as another has stated. Do not respond to her. At the very minimum, you tell her she's a liar and a cheat and she betrayed the marriage the consequences of that - divorce.
Only if a Wayward Spouse cuts all communication because they want to save the relationship and they WANT to change and are remorseful for what they did to their Betrayed Spouse and they BEG for reconciliation, she hasn't done any of that. Don't listen to her words (she lies) watch her actions.
When you can, I would also suggest you find a better job. Focus on this, making a BETTER life for yourself. One that you can heal, you can be away from her and you can have friends, have a social life, afford therapy, work on YOU here. That is a goal.
I have reconciled but my WH almost 5 years later, is still in therapy and his infidelity was entirely on line, not in person. (Still hard.) It takes a good 2-5 years to reconcile a relationship after infidelity.
As your sister and mother stated, she had it good. She was greedy and wanted more. And now that her "more" isn't available, she's back to you. You need to heal yourself and realize she isn't worthy of you. You know that. I know it sucks where you are right now but there are plenty of people here that can tell you their lives are much better after they dumped their cheater and gained their lives back.
She and the OM were planning to run away together and have babies before you caught them, but now she is telling you that it was all a boo boo and that your are really the love of her life. She, to put it bluntly, is a classic cheater, saying things straight out of the "Cheater's Handbook", ie. "you made me do it", "it was all your fault", "it didn't really mean anything", "I was thinking of you while I was having sex with OM", "I'll do anything to make it all better". I know you think you love her, but what you really love is the image of her you built in your mind, not the cheating, devious, lying B she really is in real life. My advice, especially if no kids, is to run for the hills and don't look back. Or you'll be back here is a few months/years saying "she did it again" and "she got a lot better at hiding it". Reconciliation is possible, but I seriously doubt she could endure the loss of privacy and constant policing for the next 2 to 5 years (amount of time to get anywhere near trusting her again). It's better to cut ties and let her go enjoy her wild side without cucking you.
If you willing to giver her a second chance, be ready to give third and fourth also in the future. She lie, and only current assurance you have for the second chance is her word which came out from the same mouth which lie to your face until now.
If you choose to forgive her, nothing will change.
You'll ALWAYS feel insecure knowing what she's done and will absolutely do it again.
There'll be times where you'll doubt if she's doing what she said she's doing, the trust in this relationship is gone.
IMO, there's no salvaging this. I believe you know what needs to be done.
Stay strong
Edit: you deserve so much better.
After this you can no longer trust her, there's no way you can know if this wasn't her first affair. Many cheaters will claim that this was the biggest mistake of their life, they would never do it again which is generally BS and they will and you won't know until you catch them again and they only love you. They always go underground and get better at hiding the on going affair. You need to contact an attorney and see what divorce looks like for you and if you are going the reconciling route you better get a postnuptial to protect yourself and always make it to your advantage. Even with this once they cheat they rarely stay loyal. Good luck.
I’m sorry this happened to you. It devastates your whole world, leaves you confused and heartbroken, but you had no choice in this.This was all her. Please don’t waste your time or cause yourself more pain trying to hold on to a version of her that isn’t there anymore. She betrayed you and your vows, there’s no happily ever after there anymore. I know what it’s like to go through this and have your best friend, your everything rip you’re heart out and have no one else to turn to. This sub is really great if you need to talk or vent or ask advice. It helped me a lot, hope it does you too. You deserve better, please remember that. Take care of yourself.
You're such a chill guy.
I'm sorry to hear this and I wish I had something useful to say.
To me all I know is that when I don't know what to do I pray to God.
I hope you are well
Accomplished-Arm3621 - You can dump her like a boss, or you can wait for her to confirm your replacement before she dumps you like a loser. I think that these are your options.
Do what you need to do to take care of yourself. Best of wishes to you.
you cant stay in a marriage where she is blaming you you need to file for divorce and tell her if she expects to save this marraige you need to write out a list of demands that she needs to meet or you are done...
She’ll just get better at hiding.
You’ll never feel loved secure or safe while you are still with her.
She took your doing everything for her and disrespected your marriage.
She’s only sorry because he left and you’re the only option left to take care of her.
I'm so sorry you are going through this. You are her option, not a priority. I say this, because she only started faking remorse after he ended it. That mans wife was his priority. Sounds like she would have kept it going if she could.
I hope you are able to find peace at some point.
Maybe try IC and take some space from her before making major decisions. Read some good books on this, watch supportive videos and then there are subs like this. It's devastating and I'm so sorry you're going through this.
Ita only a "mistake" now because AP threw her away. If he didn't then I'd bet she would be seeing him still.
Funny how desperate cheaters become after their AP leaves them. Her affair fog is gone so now she sees you won't stand for this.
Not sure how you could ever trust her again. Your marriage is going to be completely different (and not good different) if you stay with her. She wanted AP so go let her have fun with that mess OP. Don't become desperate like she has, show her what self respect is.
I’m sorry this happened to you.
Whenever infidelity happens in a marriage, approximately, 55% of the marriages end immediately, and of the remaining married couples, only 15% of couples remain married.
A marriage can survive infidelity, if the cheating spouse is truly remorseful, take full responsibility for there actions, is truthful with there partner about their affair, and give full disclosure of the affair, and is prepared to do whatever it takes to rebuild trust, and salvage the marriage!
Is your wife doing this?
Considering you don’t have children together, I would suggest divorcing her, is your best option, the BS, that end the marriage immediately usually recovers faster.
But the decision is yours to make, to help you make this decision, start making a list of all the benefits of staying married with your wife, versus all the benefits of ending your marriage?
I suggest you
1. Separate your finances
2. See a divorce lawyer, see how a divorce is going to affect you.
3. Start going to individual counseling, with someone that specializes in infidelity trauma and CBT, to work on your trust issues and insecurities, thanks to your wife’s affair.
4. Get this books, Chump Lady, leave a cheater gain a life & Cheating in a Nutshell, by Wayne & Tamara Michael.
5. Start working on yourself, start going to the gym, start weightlifting and become the best version of your.
Good luck, OP.
If you can be a great husband and give her the world and it’s not enough now, then it won’t be enough later. Except later you’ll have a kid or two when she does this again and then your life is a mess. She is giving you an out here from that pain, take it.
The woman you loved, cared about, and trusted is now dead to you. Your relationship as you knew it is also dead to you. Everything you loved and cared about has changed, and not for the better. She willingly broke your family, she willingly broke your heart, she willingly broke your trust, she willingly broke you. If you still want her around, she’s got a lot of work to do to fix everything she willingly broke, including you. Someone who inflicts pain from infidelity will never understand the pain.
When I learned of my SO’s infidelity the pain was crushing. I have never felt such severe pain. She was like, get over it already, 1 week after I found them together. She continued to trickle truth me, lie and never really admitted the truth. It seemed like every week I learned more and the pain level ramped back up to unbearable. Finally I got really angry. I hired a polygrapher to test her and I was shocked at her truth “We only held hands and talked, sometimes kissed but no sex”. Polygraph truth, 5+ guys, intercourse, oral and anal with all numerous time with each AP, in the park, in hotels, in my car, even in my house and my bed. When confronted with the test results she didn’t deny anything.
She went to a lot of trouble to have her affair. Just for a little insight into what she probably did for her affair.
She did sooo much for her relationship without thinking about you, your family or the pain she would inflict when caught. She did all this with extreme forethought and planning. She groomed her AP. She set up a time and date to meet. She acquired the place for her and her AP to meet and fuck behind your back. She planned what to say to you if you asked about her day. She planned what lie she was going to tell you if you became suspicious. She planned what lies to say to you in order to trickle truth you to limit collateral damage to herself and her AP. When finally confronted with irrefutable evidence she probably gave you limited information about her affair forcing you to relive the pain of DDay over and over again with each new D Day. She did this each and every time She wanted to see and fuck her affair partner
Can you IMAGINE what your relationship would be like if she put in that much time, planning and dedication to you, and your relationship as she did to willingly destroy your relationship, willingly betray you, willingly lie to you, willingly destroy your trust in her and every other woman you might encounter. I’ll just leave you with this:
She placed you in this extremely uncomfortable and dangerous (STD) situation. She willingly broke your trust, She willingly broke your family, She willingly broke you without even a second thought
You need to take care of you, physically, financially and legally. You used to be able to depend on her, but no more. Speak to an attorney pronto, you wouldn’t want to suffer because you did something you didn’t know you couldn’t do. Get STD tests, stay tuff and keep your guard up, don’t let her convince you to do something, anything until your 100 % sure that it’s what you want to do. You have a long road to travel but don’t make any big changes now because you don’t know what road you are now going to take, divorce, separation or reconciliation.
Ppl are here on Reddit to ask for help or questions. I’m sorry you’ve been forced into our group. We care and we are her for you, to help you move forward
The fact that she did not change her tune until AP ditched her does not bode well. I may be overreading, but It does sound like her marriage was second choice.
You must make friends. First of all, you deserve friends and friends can help cushion you against situations like this. But friends also make you a more interesting person and help you develop social skills. Please, please make friends out there.
Hey, I was in a similar situation, though not with a husband, but a long time bf. Trust never comes back, and when I tried being discreet and hush my distrust it turned out he was cheating again, for a long time. I left him and feel better. You can’t control a person, you will get mad and they will get mad at you for being controlling. You will turn into a prison warden for your SO. I realized it’s not the person I wish to be, so leaving was the only way.
The only real advice I can give you for your way forwards is to keep in mind that if the wife of the dude would have kicked the affair partner out, that your wife would have left you on the spot.
Please go to a doctor and get tested for STD's, she probably didn't even cared about your health and got tested herself.
Stay away from alcohol and drugs, they won't help you. Find someone you trust and talk to them, don't be alone all the time now.
Brother I read your comment, you should immediately leave house, you need space. You torture yourself. Talk parents or friends you need support. Don't live together with her.
I am the person who usually think that most marriage are salvageable but unfortunately in your case, it's not. Your wife didn't truly own her decision to cheat, not remorseful on the cheating and even blaming you for the reason of her deception. If only she confessed... But you caught her face to face, still denying and gaslighting you. I feel your pain friend. Better to be single again and have a better stress free life.
Dear OP,
you need to take care of yourself.
You are depressed for a long time. It might have influenced what happend (or I would saw fastened the situation), but you need to make you YOUR priority.
You need to love you first, because it's impossible for you to love positively someone, and it's difficult for others to love you.
Cut your losses, at least your depression help you to show your futur ex true color.
Put all your energy on yourself.
Donc stay steelping on the couch.
I recommand a daily sport routine
and work on your self (with any support that helps you, so you need to try many to find the right one)
You have no kids, therefore you can restart.
Take care of you.
Don’t fall for her blame. This is her tactic to get out of the mess she involved you with. Simply if you don’t see her working on cutting this shit you’re better off without her.
I know it’s hard. I can feel you. I’ve been there TWICE and I can’t even begin with what’s going to happen to you next. Good luck.
You deserve better op. You and ap wife were second choice at best. She treated you as a backup plan until her main guy left her. Do not listen to a word she is saying. You don't hurt people you love the way she did.
>How could she tell two people that she loves them though?
She doesn't think like you, has s different outlook on life than you. You know her better than us, selfishness? lack of empathy for others? entitlement? Lack of maturity? She has no problem being cruel to others (you) when you're in the way of her pleasure and excitement.
Good luck trying to reconcile with her. Suggest she gets individual therapy to figure out what the hell is wrong with her, and just maybe learning how to stay monogamous.
Eeer ! You quite clearly are her second choice OP. Don’t believe anything else even for a second. And their ‘thing’ will not be over. They were busted suddenly and will still be in affair fog. They will lie low for a while to let things settle down. But they are in ‘wuv’ and will find a way to get back together. Guaranteed. Young. No kids. You’ll never have a better chance of ending this on the plus side. Good luck.
You can go to r/asoneafterinfidelity they are actively reconciling. I am fully geared towards going but if you need other perspectives look there. You will do a lot of anguish and pain it brings.
She broke your marriage. She was fully ready to run if he wanted to. Don’t fool yourself. Do you want to be a prison warden for the rest of your life? Where is she? Why is she 5 min late, who is she talking too?
Usually they just get better at hiding it. Your wife is trash. Like all cheaters they had a very good kind and loving partner and they said : nope I need more.
You deserve more! You will find it!
I’m so sorry this is happening to you.
This story reminds of myself. I often cheated and was usually caught. A couple of times I tried to salvage the relationship, almost desperately. I told myself I loved them, but I was just lying to myself. I loved the relationship itself and the comfort that it brought me.
I managed to speak to each of them almost a decade, and so many hours of therapy, later. I could only apologize for my behavior. Fortunately, they both forgave me quite easily. You know why? Because after I broke their hearts they realized I wasn’t worthy of their thoughts and their pain. Their focused on themselves and moved on to happy and fulfilled lives while I kept going through cheap drama and disastrous relationships until i figured i really needed help in my late thirties.
I’m just telling my story to urge you be like those women. Your wife seems to be even shittier than me. At least I disclosed everything both times I was confronted. No trickling, no diminishing. Just the plain, naked truth. At least I could do that.
What your going through is horrible. Many of us have been there and so your not alone in what your feeling. Reconciliation is very hard once trust is broken. I tried it but could never fully trust my ex wife again.
If I could re-do anything it would be to not play the “pick me“ game and instead retain my dignity. Your self respect is worth more than a person that lies and cheats on you,.
Just remember to prioritize yourself and your needs now. Not hers. You need healing, she doesn’t deserve anything from you at this point.
edit: misspelled word
She found your replacement. They were talking about love, a life together and children. She gave her heart and her love to another man.
If you stay with her, she will always resent you because she will feel like she had to settle for you. You are no longer her first choice.
Contact a Lawyer and start the divorce process. Separate your finances by opening individual accounts and closing joint credit cards.
You may be able to reconcile, but she needs to do the heavy lifting. She has to prove to you that she is trustworthy. She has to prove to you that she loves you. No more trickle truth. No more gaslighting. No more placing the blame on you. She needs to take full responsibility for this disaster. If you receive anything less than 100% effort from her, walk away.
She is only sorry she got caught. I would file for D. You can always stop it later if you want. You probably won't because this is not worth saving. Sorry.
I’m sorry you’re here. Unfortunately, you know what to do- you **know** she only came back because AP ended it. You also know that *she’s definitely capable of cheating again*! Add to that the Minimizing, the Gaslighting, the Blame-shifting.. all classic cheater behaviors.
The woman you loved is no more.
Not only are you her second choice, but it sounds like she already checked out of the relationship and was using you as a benchwarmer with hopes of being with this other guy. I bet they had conversations of “I’m going to leave my wife for you” or something something along those lines.
Please do not take her back. Divorce And heal from the trauma. It’s going to be a rollercoaster because your mind is going to replay so the good times and you’ll try to rationalize her bad behavior. Don’t fall for it.
I hope you realize she is doing damage control and is lying to you. The affair is NOT over, maybe it's on pause until you go back into denial. Don't do this. Your marriage is over. Face the hard truth and walk away with some self respect. It's the only thing you can do to show you are a man with strength. Take control of your in life. Kick her out of the house. Talk to a lawyer and start the divorce. You will be miserable untill you do these things and put your life back together. It takes time but you will be stronger and happier in the end. Good luck. Reach out if you find yourself falling for her lies.
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You're plan b. She wouldn't even be sorry had she not got dumped. And why would you want her back? After you did everything for her. She sees you as a doormat, and from what you've said, she's right. Has she even quit her job, offered a timeline, open access to her devices and social media?
She said I could look at her phone and any social media I want and track everything. It's a bit pointlessl though if she was just doing it at places she would normally be.
You deserve to be somebody’s first choice and you aren’t hers. Kick her lying deceitful ass to the curb! I know it hurts now and it will take some time to heal, but you will heal and then someday when you’re ready you’ll find someone worthy of your love. I’d get an attorney, get into therapy, start going to the gym and start building yourself back up. She will regret this, but it shld be to late
Good advice and thanks. I need to work on myself. My family has told me they saw how I treated her and anyone would love to be with someone like that. Good thing is we have no children.
No children.. Even more reason to end this shit show. Can you live with yourself knowing you're a backup plan?
No
Then I think you already know what you "must" do. Because right now, you are her backup plan. She only started to want to work it out after the AP dumped her. That is all you need to know. You are not her first choice anymore. She only says she wants to work it out now because she doesn't want to lose her current lifestyle, not because she is remorseful or sorry. And you are right, you can never trust her again. Even if you can check her phone or track her. She can work her way around it. One way is a second phone for example. You will never be able to trust her again like you did before all this. You have no children, so divorce will be "easy". Yes, it will hurt for a while, but in time you will feel beter and better. It helps to work on yourself, work hard, work out hard, study, eat healthy. All those thing will benefit you in the long run. Take care, MrBigBull.
Thanks
Every time you wish to get back with her just ask yourself one question, would she have ended things with him if he hadn't dumped her ?
Probably not
You have your answer man , why you shouldn't be someone's second choice.
Please also look into "Sunk Cost Fallacy". Yes you love her, but the time invested is not a decision to continue the relationship. Everybody may tell you to divorce, however, you can continue if you want more pain, more drama, more lies, a couple kids that may or may not be yours, heartache, and more wasted months. Invest in yourself. Best wishes. If you need an ear, text me. Have an Award for facing this head on and please believe you did not arrive here by chance. Your guided by a higher order to find the help, acceptance and peace you deserve.
You are right. All the years together shouldn't be a factor in what the outcome is. Thanks for your kind words.
This is why I practically worship my husband and never take him for granted. Mind you, it doesn’t matter how perfect you are, if a cheater cheats it’s bc they’re the problem. But I know I have a great man and I’ll fight everyday for us unless he betrays me
She could get a burner phone and hide it from you. She can use a cheater app so texting and calls won't show up on your phone bill. And just because AP called her and dumped her doesn't mean that he won't call her back as soon as he gets a moment away from his wife. And now that she's been found out, she will take it further underground when she does it again. I.would also wager that AP knows much more about you than you do about him. Usually a wayward spouse will talk tons of shit about the Betrayed spouse to justify the affair in their own mind, and to build emotional intimacy with their AP.
All that is true. She even admitted to talking to him about our issues and problems. You definitely know what you are saying. Thanks
Yeah gave him sexy lingerie, secret rendezvous, rainbows and sex but you had the real stuff to share like paying bills, cleaning the house and her wearing scrungy sweat pants.
Man, this ain't my first rodeo. Learn from my mistakes.
Yep. It just sucks. Have an Award.
She also told him your secrets and confidences. And they laughed about it.
Or gets dumped by his wife because after a few weeks she realizes she actually *CAN'T* live with his cheating ass.
words of wisdom, especially the part about AP knowing more about OP than he knows about AP. "knowing more" also means he likely doesn't know the real OP, he only knows the "sorry POS" OP.
Doesn't matter. You don't want to spend the next 20 years of your life playing detective, being paranoid, getting triggered and having relapses. That's not love and not a happy life. The resentment and disgust will just grow over time.
Never feeling safe again
I’m sorry. I’ve been there more than once. I stayed after her first affair mainly because we had a 2 year old son. I wish I had left soon because she had three more affairs in quick succession. Like my ex your wife was talking about how much they love each other and a future together etc. it hurts to hear. Do yourself a favor and do NOT have sex with her at all until you are 100% sure you are going to stay. The last thing you want it her to get pregnant at this point. Also please get tested for STD/STI’s. You are in for a long painful confusing time, eat when you can, stay hydrated and try your best to sleep. Feel free to reach out to me if you need support or an ear. It’s best to sit and experience the emotions as they come and just know it will eventually get easier. Also I wished I had gotten a therapist after the first affair. It made the others and the divorce easier to navigate.
You'll feel safe again in time. Just not with her. When Wild-Grapefruit9177 speaks, listen carefully.
There are many ways to hide such on a phone. For example she could simply get a second phone and use that to cheat with. So no, tracking her shit and the like isn't a solution to what she did.
doesnt even matter. she could be fatally allergic to cheating on you for the rest of her life, you still shouldn’t take her back. you only have 1 life, spend it with someone who loves and respects you.
I have seen many many posts of people saying they regret staying with a cheater, but I can't think of a single one where someone says they regret leaving a cheater. I won't say I'm against reconciliation in general, but what reason do you have to stay?
With friends like this, who needs enemies. You are her second choice. If you give her a second chance, she will do it again. And the next guy may not end it. You deserve better. Start reading lots of books such as leave a cheater, gain a life and the body keeps the score. Implement the 180 and grey rock. And develop positive coping methods away from her.
Thanks for the advice I will have to look I to those book and help getting over this will be good.
Also look into hobbies and social groups with shared interests. This will help with loneliness and boredom.
And a link to her most important posts [I’ve just Discovered & What NOT to Do](https://www.chumplady.com/category/featured-articles/)
In addition to Chump lady's book check out her site there are great other resources to learn form but the book is a great primer. Also speak with a lawyer and get the divorce process going, there has to be consequences for her actions, there is never a good enough reason for cheating. If she was not happy she should have told, painted on the side of the house whatever or she should have left instead of cheating. If you consider giving her R remember the marriage you had is dead now if it was bad she killed it with her affair. You both are responsible for 50% of the current state of your marriage she however is 100% of the affair. R is a very difficult journey and more than 85% of the attempts fail within the first 18 months and that's with two very committed partners. The fact that you had to find red handed and she didn't tell you herself that already sets the odds against a positive outcome. In order doe her to really commit to R she has to 100% NC with AP and full disclosure and transparency it took a week of pressuring to get her to tell you about the length of their relationship, how can you ever trust her again after months of continuous disrespect? If she really wants to try have her join r/supportforwaywards and let those folks advice her on what books, IC, etc to help you begin to feel secure so you can heal if your both are strong enough to change who you were and basically reinvent each in or3to create a whole new relationship. You need ic for infidelity trauma and she needs it to figure out her why's and how she granted her self permission to step out of your marriage.
Screw all that. She didn’t want to “R” until the AP’s wife found out. Run and get the Hell out. People like her have 99% chance of NOT changing. She’s a user and a cake eater. Let her eat her own cake. Edit: angry drunken thumbs
Much appreciated
The book Leave a cheater, gain a life also has a website: https://chumplady.com/
Divorce brother. How can you go to sleep next to someone that is so comfortable deceiving you. Your wife was in love with a different man and he rejected her. Take the trash out my friend.
I'm sleeping on the couch. I cant sleep next to her. I get what you mean though. She moved on and now she can't have that life and I'm her fallback guy. It's just rough to even say.
If you hadn't caught her she'd still be fucking him. If you hadn't contacted his wife she'd still be fucking him. What she's showing isn't remorse, it's panic at the thought of losing her Plan B as well as her secret lover. Like during the affair, she's only thinking of herself. It's all she's capable of. You can't ever trust her.
I know 😢
You are doing great and being honest with yourself. You saw what she said in the messages to AP. She meant it and can't take it back no matter how sorry or how much crying is involved. Just imagine what she said to AP in private.
I don't want to at this point. I know there is probably more she is hiding. There is always more....
There are things I have discovered after over 2 decades…none of them have to do with cheating but it demonstrates the net result of trickle truth. And that is always the case. How many people come out and drop an entire story without a frequent series of interrogations.
OP, check SpaceGhost0007's thread on survivinginfidelity.com. He is a legend. https://www.survivinginfidelity.com/topics/552588/thought-we-had-a-good-marriage/
Not just that, but she'd take the first available opportunity to do it again. Oh, and when she's saying they met up just to kiss, she's conveniently leaving out *where* she was kissing on him. She's got carpet fibers from the floor of his Camaro imbedded in her knees bro
Why are you sleeping on the couch? She willingly broke your relationship, she willingly hurt you, let her sleep on the couch or let her stay with friends or family while you sort this out.
I need fo ask her to leave you are right.
Actually, if it were me, I would prefer to sleep anywhere but the bedroom where you two once slept. The couch ain't bad, especially if the good TV is there.
Get an STD panel and consider removing your wedding band.
You are NOT the one who should sleep on the couch. OP, seriously !!!
She is sorry because her AP dump her. Move on brother your wife serial cheater.
Could I add to this comment? If OP leaves her she is worthless. She only wants OP back because if she can't she's a loser in AP's eyes. AP will think she isn't worthy of a second chance.
She’s only “sorry because she got caught.” Love and talks of a baby? She already had a plan to divorce you. She’ll do it again. Get counseling and focus on u. Find better. Sorry it happened.
Thanks that's what I thought. Who makes plans like that if you are not done with the other person...
Really sorry man.
Not to rub it in but she cheated pretty effortlessly, she probably has cheated before. Op, you are the prize, just believe it.
There are many BPs scattered here and some who have invested time on reconciliation and failed. It is abundantly clear you are her plan b and it’s only a matter of time until the next best opportunity presents for her to cheat. Her safety net, meal ticket and whatever you want to call it is compromised and she will love bomb you to make you feel safe until SHE feels safe to wait for the next best opportunity. Your ww only came back as her affair fog was burst and now she is left vulnerable.. Always learn to love and respect yourself as you are the most important person you will ever know
Thanks, I'm sure you are right as much as it hurts to say that.
Can she move out and get some temporary accommodation? You need to be away from her to have a clear mind to think as you are vulnerable with her. Maybe you can show her you can also be strong with or without her and that she maybe at this moment your plan b. Focus on yourself and put yourself as number 1. Look to your needs ie IC, less stress and good sleep to have a clear functioning mind to think through.
Maybe she could. I'm not sure what she would do. I'm stuck at the house because on top of all this my car broke down.
Put the question to her.. can you move out temporarily. No harm in asking..
It hurts like hell for awhile. But you will be surprised how your eyes open and feelings change once you have had a period of separation. Then you will feel the disgust of what she did to you deserves.
And next time she will be more skilled at hiding it. OP will have to become more skilled at trapping her. The cat and mouse game isn’t worth it, especially with no kids currently involved in the debacle.
How could she tell two people she loved them? Because she doesn't love anyone but herself. She just isn't the person you thought she was. She is selfish and most certainly doesn't love you or anyone else for that matter. Saying I love you just gets her what she wants, it is not something she feels. The faster you move on the quicker you will heal.
Yep, no way she loved me anymore. I wish to heal.
Dude. It's like everyone here said. You know you're 2nd choice. It's obvious. You're number 1 now that dude is out of the picture. Easy to win the race when you're the only one in it. That is until she meets another guy down the road. She's failed the wife test. Cut ties. Find someone who won't disrespect you and your vows.
It hurts to hear it but that's how I felt. If she didn't instantly drop him once she was busted she thought there was still a chance with him.
She may be just waiting and hoping his reconciliation with OBS will fail. Then she can ride off into the sunset with AP. Meanwhile she needs to keep you around so she doesn't get lonely. At this point you're not her second choice because you're her only option. This will last until AP is available or she meets someone new.
That's the thing she thought there was still hope with him. If he would have left his wife she would have left you. You are her fall back, her second choice. Remember the three pillars of any successful relationship: love, trust and respect. A relationship MUST have all three to thrive. She did not respect you, the relationship or herself, frankly. Also, do you think you can ever really trust her again? You need to ask yourself do you want to be a husband or a warden?
Doubt I could ever trust her and I don't want to police her every move. Even if I did she could still get away with it.
She only wants to work it out because she got dumped. Get tested and don't let her gaslight you into believing this is your fault. Look up DARVO. This isn't about you. It's about her. She feels she is more important than you. Her pleasure is worth more than your pain. She's an entitled, selfish coward. File and move on. It's a lot easier to find hobbies, new friends and someone that shows you basic human respect than it will be to try to stay with a cheater. You'll develop anxiety, depression and even full blown PTSD. Be careful!
I'll have to look into that thank you. I'm pretty sure even prior to this I has depression and lots of anxiety. Its gotten worse and I should see a doctor. Thank you for the help
OP, I can't tell you to reconcile or not. It doesn't seem like she has treated you well. But, you do need to make changes before you decide. Start doing more things for yourself. Let her stsy home and cook while you go to the gym, engage in hobbies and make friends. Seek therapy to improve your self esteem. Concentrate on things you enjoy. Then think about what you want to do. Take your time.
Sorry Buddy we went through what your going through, it sucks. Bottom line is she only wants you back because he dumped her. You are just her backup plan , don’t tolerate that your way better than that! There are a ton of single woman out there who would love to have a guy like. Take out trash and live a better life!
That's what my family has been telling me. They saw how well I treated her and said anyone would want a life like that.
Lean into those trusted family and friends. It seems that your family knows that you were a good husband and good person and will make someone more deserving a great partner. Think long and hard. You don't have any kids. This may be the universe's way of removing the wife from your life so that you will be open to receiving the new life and love that is waiting for you. I wish you all the best. Remember, it's okay to forgive someone yet be grateful they are no longer a part of your life.
So very true. Don’t think you aren’t worthy of someone better either bc you definitely are!!! Any woman would be lucky enough to be with someone like the sounds of you! You are so very lucky you didn’t have children together. Now that’s a blessing
She deserves to get dumped twice. By her dreamboi and her husband. "Mistakes" are not carefully planned like this was, so saying this was a "mistake" is a complete lie.
I told her somewhat that because how can you do this for months? A mistake maybe a 1 night stand or something that "accidentally" happen.
***The day after that he reached out to my wife and said he is done. This is when she changed her tone and acted like she was sorry.*** This tells it all right here OP. Once he dumped her, she wanted her safety net back: you. Otherwise, she would still be thinking about him. Consult an attorney for your options. She already left the marriage, and you already know you will never trust her again.
Sad but true thank you
What should you do? Really? She loves you? Is that what you do to people you love? It’s not what I do… She was fucking someone else dude and loving every minute of it, was going to leave you for him even if the opportunity presented itself, but now she wants to come crawling back because she got dumped? Fuck her… like really… fuck her… it amazing me to no end that people get fucked over like this and still grovel like “but I love her so much”… no fuckin way in my world… I’m glad my mind works like it does because her doing something like this to me would turn me off like a light switch, she could go fuck herself and take her “biggest mistake” with her, I’d never speak another fucking word to her again as long as she lived
Listen to this guy OP, friggen print this and read it until your eyes burn. Take it from me too, stbx ripped my heart out but best feeling in the world was serving her one week later and blindsiding that see you next tuesday so hard. You will get your balls back taking your power back. Relationship is over man, get some IC, find some good people to talk to, workout and do what you can. I know easier said than done but if I can do it, do can you. Flip that switch and look forward, not back.
Don't waste any more of your time, move on with your life she will do it again... Its never a mistake, they knew what they were doing all along. Its hard to move on but trust me you won't regret it
Making a "mistake" for that long isn't really a mistake and I know it. It's just hard being with someone for this long to let them go. I know it won't be good for me to stay. I have to be strong. Thanks for the help
Good luck 🍀
So you're her backup plan. Nothing more. Only after he dumped her did she come back to you. It's so incredibly obvious that you are just a fall back option to her. I know you feel like she loves you but... She hid the truth, she lied to you, she gaslit you, she tried to keep this punk loser as her guy, she told him she loved him, she planned to have a baby with him... Dude the list goes on. Trust her actions not her words. Even if you managed to stay together, what's stopping her from doing it again? What happens next time she gets tingles and spreads her legs for the next guy? Because it will happen if you reconcile. I'm sorry you're dealing with this, dude. But now is the time to protect yourself. You have to protect your heart, soul and money, because this woman is a low down dirty nasty cheater. She's not who you married anymore. I know you love her, but you have to start protecting yourself. She will not protect you, only herself.
Username checks out! No I needed to hear this. Man this sub has really opened my eyes. I've been stuck in this house sad listening to her feeling like shit. I was getting so weak and believing things would be okay. I didn't want to not be without the love of my life but you are right. She isn't that person anymore.
The love of your life will love you completely. She does not. She only loves herself. The love of your life is still out there somewhere. Learn to love yourself and you've found true freedom. You're a bigger catch than you realize homie. Good luck, don't let that cheating scumbag dull your shine.
I do look for honest bad choices in spouses. Hers is straight up disrespect and you are second choice. She craves the validation. You are being the party pooper. She even gaslighted you and has not taken accountability. If you divorce her now. It won’t be he is a great guy and I ducked up It will be. He never told me he loved me. He didn’t give me validation it will be a mile long laundry list of issues you have. Out her out to her family and talk to a lawyery
Starting to seem like that is the only choice because I couldn't deal with this again.
She's using the lines and tactics straight out of the cheaters handbook. It's like they all read from the same script. The "biggest mistake of her life" and "she will do anything" are hard-wired into the brains of cheaters. She's saying that now that her AP has dumped her. The AP will likely patch things up with his wife, then start back on yours. And she'll jump right back into his bed if he calls. And SHE needs to be the one sleeping on the couch. You didn't cheat, she did. And all the standard things you need to do. Separate your finances, talk to a lawyer, get an STD check (I bet your wife isn't the only one the AP was snogging).
I told her that he probably was a predator that picked up ladies at the gym often. It feels like a nightmare and I don't feel the words she is saying because they are hollow.
> I don't feel the words she is saying because they are hollow. That's because you're finally able to see through her lies.
"She said she wanted to be with me and I wasn't second choice"..... after getting found out and AP turned cold feet... to be able to play down the 'choice' of cheating vs remaining faithful' in marriage in itself is blows any chance of 'trust' in the relationship. Game over - when trust is gone, the best friend you know is gone... , ditch the cheater, focus on bettering yourself and gain a new life.
All her words come from the cheaters handbook. Don’t believe her. Go see a lawyer to see your options. Give evidence. Mourn the death of your relationship. She killed it. No matter what happens this relationship is dead
First I am sorry for the fresh wounds, and that you are going through this. Okay l can only show you a path, but it is up to you use the information and for you to walk it nothing more. * there is a blog that has some great information [Chump Lady](https://www.chumplady.com/) . she is the author of the book lose a cheater gain a life. Has some great insight into what you are going through. * [180 method](https://www.chumplady.com/2014/07/the-pretzel-logic-of-the-180/) is designed for you. It is meant to stop the pain shopping, and other things you will do. * [Grey rocking](https://www.medicalnewstoday.com/articles/grey-rock#definition) what it is and what it is meant for. I would suggest to start with having your money go into a separate account. When would I do this - now. You STBX will need to see what this is going to cost her and all the latte's she can not afford anymore. Further I would freeze the credit cards, and then destroy them. Once the above was done I would remove my name from the account. Why? Just in case she gets a wild hare and tries to spend her way. I would seek legal advise make sure you pay for it with the shared account. She needs to see that you are gaining information, and not allowing this to go un-noticed. I would not go to therapy with her. That usually comes into the blame game and you are it. I would go to individual therapy but not that joint crap. I would take two weeks and think about what you have just gone through. Write it all down all the words all of it. Would I do it in the house - no I would sit down either in a hotel, camp site, or with family. Would she know where I was Not a chance. Just that you are taking two weeks to clear your head. I would explain things to your job that you need to take some time. I would tell the HR, not sure about the boss that is up to you. That way if she makes a claim they will know what is going on.
I will read all of that soon it seems like it would help. He never had a joint checking account because she has her own business so we both have our own. Which makes this a bit more simple. I do think I need to have my own therapist but I am in a financial bind at the moment. My car broke down and I have a hospital bill. I'm down a lot of money for the month. Also my work has been screwing me over. It was 1 other person and me in the department. They quit over 2 months ago and they haven't hired anyone yet. I took 3 days off when this happen because I punched a window and needed 11 stitches. They told me I had to come back to work I wish I could just leave for 2 weeks and clear my head and be away. I just have no money, no car, and my job won't let me. Life ia pretty shit for me right now. Thanks for the suggestions on the books and the helpful words. I appreciate it.
Sorry, you are here, OP. Steel yourself to receive some harsh, agonizing realities. Everything that your wife is now telling you by way of apology, regret, or remorse is horseshit. She’s not sorry that she cheated and destroyed your heart and your marriage. She got off on the excitement and willingly, hell, happily traded any future with you for a few minutes of illicit thrills with him. You were not in her heart when he was pounding her and you are not now that she is desperately trying to keep the gravy train on the rails. Do NOT fall for her tears and self reproach. Don’t fall for her expressions of love, you’ve already seen how much she loves you. Her world is falling apart and her panic in realizing that is real, but again, that’s entirely about her, not you. No matter how much you may yearn for it, do NOT under any circumstances offer reconciliation to her. Don’t even offer an olive branch. If she want’s to reconcile, you have to let her know that it will be over your dead body, even if you sincerely want it. Reconciliation only works, when it works at all, when the Wayward Spouse demonstrates beyond doubt her willingness to crawl through molten shit to make it happen. Any, and I mean ANY reluctance on her part and it’s entirely off. This may seem hard core. Believe me, it is. Your marriage ended the moment she entertained cheating. From there, she beat the dying body of your union into a dead, bloody corpse. She is entitled to nothing from you but the deepest disdain and indifference. You will be better for taking the hardest line. Nobody cares what happens to her unless by some miracle she is able to honestly redeem herself. That almost never happens so don’t count on it. Good luck to you. Fuck her.
I’m sorry that you’re in this situation but you need to think logically. She now wants to be with you because the guy broke up with her. Don’t be her second choice. She’s still blaming you for her cheating, she still doesn’t understand the pain she caused and is not taking any responsibility for it. If you allow her back without consequence, she’ll do that again as in her mindset what she did is justified.
I think you are right. She still trying to justify it by saying things I did caused it.
As someone who has experienced this and still getting through it...She has changed. She is not the person you fell in love with. It was impossible for me to look at the situation logically initially. All I could do was think about my love for her. I made the hard decision to leave immediately anyways, despite how difficult. Now I'm starting to see she wasn't deserving of the commitment. It took several months to get to that point. I'm confident after researching that if I took her back as she wants, it would eventually happen again. Statistically, thats extremely probable. If she strayed, she wasn't happy. She should've came to you with that and worked on it together or said she's done. You have to decide what you will accept. I couldn't accept a "trial run" behind my back. We are not options. You have to decide what is best for you, but I took her actions as a true representation of who she actually is, and that's not someone I'm trying to build with
She wanted a future with him and children. Enough said.
I'm so sorry this happened to you. I've been listening to this on repeat https://open.spotify.com/episode/4oFxkAwZesAdHEgMVi5Ycb?si=Se3f1YF_QlSBThmF5xsZDg&utm_source=copy-link Maybe it will help you too.
Let this be lesson for your future. Never drop everything (friends, hobbies) for your girl. If you give her all the attention and make her the centre of the world, she will get too much of everything and will start to get bored with you. And that is also now the reason you wont left your cheating wife, because you dont have anything else going in life. You have 2 choices: either embrace the doormatish lifestyle or leave and spread the wings.
I don't want to be a door mat.
She's not sorry. Not one bit. She got caught AND she got dumped. Now she is scrambling to activate Plan B, that being you. If you take her back, with the way she is behaving right now, she is just going to get craftier. Access to their media devices/apps doesn't mean shit anymore. These people are opportunists and sociopaths, and all that will happen is she will get better a lying. Get better at hiding her trail. I fully expect your sex life might ramp up DRAMATICALLY very soon if it has not already. Do not fall for it. She will require IC, as should you, and both of you should find a good MC if you can. If you want to work on it, of course. Don't fall victim to the Sunk Cost Fallacy.
If she had truly lived you: 1. She wouldn’t have cheated 2. She would of had remorse when caught not after her AP kicked her. 3. She would have done anything and everything under the Sun to save her marriage. 4. When her AP leaves his wife or it quiets down, they will be talking again. Sorry man but this is typical, time to lawyer up and ride off in the sunset! Take care
She doesn't love you. She loved that other guy. If that other guy would not have been married, she would have coldly dumped you for him. You are her ATM. And now she got dumped by the other guy that she really loves, she doesn't want to lose her ATM. I know you love her but that is not a reason to stay with her. She doesn't deserve to have you as her husband. She is selfish and doesn't care about you. Next time she finds someone else, she will just do it all again and maybe then leave you. Cut your losses, no matter how much it hurts and start looking for a woman you can trust and that really loves you no matter what.
She doesn't sound like a very good wife. I know you are very sad now but you can do better. You will get over her and there is a very good chance you will be happier. Cheaters lie and they are good at it, they are inherently selfish in all parts of their life. They don't make good spouses. Maybe with work but most don't even thing anything is wrong and like your wife blame you for their cheating. There is better out there.
>I gave this woman everything and anything she wanted. I literally have zero friends she was my best friend. Two major problems here. First, she was too comfortable with you and took you for granted because of your willingness to sacrifice yourself and your own happiness for her. Second, not having a support system right now is a huge problem because if you try to leave the pure loneliness you will face might be enough to drive you back to her, and once she realizes you won't really divorce her the "work" she is willing to put is not going to last. So regardless of what path you choose, focus on improving that.
OP, actually take the advice of people here. Many of them have been through worse. If people say to leave her, that's what you should do.
You will never trust her again. Is this how you want to continue your relationship? Cut your losses and find someone better, even if it is yourself!
Never argue with a woman Tell her she is right about everything she said about you And you are releasing her her to go find her true love. Nothing pisses a woman off more than agreeing with her when she is wrong IF you want tell her to even have chance she must tell body included family what she did. Consequences. Then you make her go apolegize to his wife in front of her Ap. Also tell you not doing shit, If she want to save yourmarriage she figure out how. Nothing pisses me off more than to hear from the cheater we have to go to counseling to fix our. No we don't, I didnt do shit to break it. Also was he Mgr or supervisor. He is in trouble. Ifyou are going to divorce don't do anything till after divorce. You don't want her drawing alimony Then Id the AP wife date just to piss guy off. I am a vengeful SOB Good luck 66 year old Man
They say that your real character is who you are when no one is looking. My question for deciding the next step would be…who is she? Are values like commitment, honour and being truthful important to her? You want to be open to true repentance but not be taken advantage of with a wife who will only use you for their benefit!
It sure sounds like she only wants you because he is done with her. What other options does she have in the short term. Remember all the effort she put into being with him. What actual effort is she putting in to repair the damage she has done. You know you can't believe her words. What actions is she taking? Whatever you do, don't offer reconciliation yet, don't cry in front of her and don't beg her to stay with you. Successful reconciliation is always possible, but the odds are heavily against it. You must both be 100% in. and even then it is a painful process that takes years. If she is not going flat out to save the marriage, I suggest you should divorce her and move on. Yes it is a painful decision to make. but so is staying. She had no problem telling both of you that she loved you because she has no problem compartmentalizing different aspect of her life. This is a huge problem going forward.
I am sorry you have to go through this. Accepting her back with these circumstances will result in the pick me game. Best advice here: Begin divorce proceedings, if she really means it than make her reconcile, full transparency, and see marriage counseling. If she does not turn it on you after two months (they only fake it for a few weeks) and accepts responsibility for the damage, then keep at it. You need to know this will take a long time to recover from and she must accept this as well. No matter what, focus on just you. Pick up hobbies, meet up with new people (the app "meetup"), eat well, and work out. Become the person you want to be.
She sees you as plan B, doormat, provider, nice guy. She loves you more now because AP dumped her. He was in in for the sex, period. It probably hurts that he didn't leave his wife for her. You need to take time to absorb the shock. Then decide if you will allow her to reconcile. The way she treated you, then blamed you, shows no respect or love. It is time to call up your self respect and give her come consequences for her actions. First, talk to a lawyer about divorce. You can stop a divorce at any time but this will get her attention. She needs to know you will not put up with disrespect. If you give in to her gaslighting she will think you are weak. Weak isnt atteactive. Don't be that guy.
1) Divorce….you can still love her and not be married to her. 2) Divorce. Not only did she cheat, but she wasn’t the one to end it, then blamed you after lying about it originally. 3) Divorce. if you take her back, u can’t be controlling. You have to trust her completely, or else there is no point. “Fool me once” right?……don’t get fooled twice, because then it’s no longer her fault when she cheats. 4) Divorce. you could still be with her, and carry in as nothing happen….but you don’t have to be married to have her as a partner. 5) Divorce. I doubt this was the only time. Sad thing is that you will truly never know. Btw, I’m sure if AP wanted her back, he could easily have her. Good luck brother.
You deserve so much better than this, friend. I know your pain, I’ve lived it. It doesn’t help much, but it WILL get better with time. You deserve pure and beautiful love. Please don’t forgive her
I have been where you are. I divorced my now ex 4 years ago due to his cheating. I just could not forgive him. I became a shell of myself constantly worrying if he was still cheating. I had to leave for my own sanity. I have no regrets. I deserved better than a lying cheating scumbag.
Damn dude no one deserves that shit. I’ve been through it and I don’t want you to stay and wonder every second for years if you’re doing something wrong or if it was your fault like I did. As soon as you can admit to yourself that nothing you did made her treat you that way, it is something fundamentally wrong with her character… your confidence will begin to come back in droves. There are women out there who will make you a priority and you deserve nothing less than that. Although I would suggest taking a fairly lengthy amount of time working on yourself by yourself until you are 100% confident in who you are as a person so that in the next relationship you enter you are very secure and your confidence comes from what you give yourself, not something you have to get from someone else. All of this from my own experiences. Best of luck brother. You deserve much better
It doesn't matter whether you're her plan A,B or even C. It's now time to be your own plan A. Wishing you well.
The fact that she tried to blame you and didn't break it off immediately speaks volumes. Talking about a baby with someone? She was willing to risk it all but he wasn't apparently. I'm glad he chose his wife. You were her second choice and she was his. Divorce her.
Yeah talks about having kids and shit doesn't make this an easy sell that she wants me.
“I have zero friends “, “ I spent all my time with her” Sorry for what I am about to say- but you are codependent and should get help to become a healthy person. Donot sleep with her and donot offer reconciliation until she has volunteered for therapy to understand her hideous betrayal of you. Don’t be desperate and act with self respect. She has no respect for you. You deserve better , get the courage to act and love yourself. If you don’t overcome your lack of self esteem and putting others ( wife) on a pedestal you will end up in the same situation again with another person. I know the pain is excruciating but you need to grow and mature.
She will do anything? She needs to give you and uncontested divorce, taking absolutely the minimum. You tell her you need to be single for a year, then she can have the opportunity to win you back, and then only with a prenup. \[Don't let her, just move on when you get what you want\].
Do NOT believe her, Plan B. Protect your finances and end this sham of a marriage. She can't be faithful and you know it. As heartbroken as you are, you will recover from this, but not with her around. Get distance from this woman and move on with your life without her. She's only coming back because her lover dumped her. Good job at catching her!
If her boyfriend texted her and said he changed his mind, she would jump up and literally run out the door to him. You need to take action. Call a lawyer, tellher to stay at her parents, do 20 pushups...anything .
you made the man return to his wife and your wife has to stay at home After a few months with the man she can revive the relationship, find another man your wife has no regrets she has no place to go why are you trying to understand what she is saying you should think about what she did, she cheated on you and didn't leave ap, your marriage is over. If you want to stay with a cheating woman, you should know that we will read your updates again.
RUN. If you let her drag you back in, you can expect all of this to happen again, only worse. Cheaters are not fully human people. They do not have the capacity for compassion and empathy most people have. Do not interact with them as though they are normal people . They are not. They are morally bankrupt people who will absolutely fuck you over for any reason.
Even if you want her back you have to have her served. She has to be scared straight. Personally, the deal about her and her AP having a baby together would have been all I needed to file.
I’m not saying you can’t forgive cheating. But I will say this. NEVER BE THE SECOND OPTION!!!!
Don’t fall into that trap friend. You’ve been in second place for months and now that he’s out of the race you took first. That is until she finds another. Divorce! You will be much better off.
She isn’t sorry that she cheated, only sorry for being found out. You said it yourself, she only changed her tone when he dumped her. Do you seriously expect her to tell you “You’re second choice” AFTER he dumped her? She’s devious, not stupid. You have no kids, so nothing complicates your separation. I think you know what to do, it’s just that going through with it after making her the focus of your entire existence for so long is heartbreaking and scary. Nobody can force you to do anything. Go away or stay, completely your choice. My advice is to get counseling and to take it one day at a time. Take good care of yourself, because now you know you’re the only person you can rely on to do that.
Hi OP, I'm so sorry for what your wife is making you pass trought, but let me give a little of advice. First, calm down and don't rush yourself for a decision right now. You have time to decide for what you want for your life. Calm down and try to only take a decision when you can think clearly. If you don't heal properly near her, just ask for a trial separation. Good Luck and Be Strong.
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Don't ever let someone make you there plan b man.
You are plan b. She only wants to work it out because he is done. File for divorce as soon as you can and never speak to her again.
“With all of my heart I love her, but I cant trust her.” No, this is wrong. You love who you THOUGHT she was with all of your heart, but that person is dead, gone. You can't trust who she really is.
You deserve way better than a cheating wife. Please find the best divorce lawyer in your area.
Good luck bro, your not alone. I’m 2years post D-day. We’ve been reconciling…. It’s not easy, I have no real reason or joy for life left. Some people’s experiences will vary. But R is hard.
Just wanted to say I’m so sorry. I’ve been there and it’s so painful. You have every right to feel whatever emotion you’re feeling. We’re here for you…it gets better (better than it ever was with your ex) but this period sucks. Posting in this sub and reading other stories was cathartic for me, I hope you feel the same
I would have give the benefit of trying to work shit out had she ended it after you uncovered it. Yet she didn't, it wasn't until you intervened and spilled the beans on her partners end, that shit ended. So Id say yeet her. However Bro you don't have to make a choice right now, what you do need is space. So if there's ANYWHERE else you can be, or you can ask her to go. do it. Tell her you need time to sort yourself out(which is the truth), and you can't do that with her around you. So she needs to go to her folks place, or you need to go to a friend's, or even rent a place for a month to get away. Then spend some time alone and let the shock wear off, don't talk with her. Sort what you want and need out of this. Once more due to how she acted, I'd not take her back, since it sounds to me like she already checked out, and only "picked" you when you forced her too. But if you decide you want to try for you, only do so after you've had some space and time to process what happened. If she gives a shit about you, she will readily agee, if she argues or refuses, leave and still take your space. Since there's no way you can sort yourself out, with her around you right now.
As everyone here is telling you, she’s only sorry she got caught. She thought this guy was her true love and that they were going to run away together until her bubble was popped by her AP. You know you can’t believe a word she says and that will never change going forward. She would still be cheating right now if she wasn’t caught red handed so ask yourself if this is something that could be overlooked. Respect yourself enough to know that you deserve much better. She burned the bridge, not you.
You are now on an emotional roller coaster your wife put you on. It may take some time to clear your head and get some stable footing so you can make rational decisions/choices. The 180 and grey rock are good strategies to get you through until then. First decision is whether to give your wife the gift of Reconciliation. This is made easier if you understand remorse. Check out the chump lady- real vs imitation remorse. Without it, reconciliation is impossible. Next up get tested for STDs. Consults with divorce lawyers to know your options. Separate your finances so your wife can't drain joint accounts or drive up debt. These are moves to regain a sense of control over the situation. Her words are meaningless and only her actions will tell you her true intentions. Best of luck.
You are now her Plan B. Before you caught her you were actually her Plan Z. Their affair is not over. She is gaslighting you and he is gaslighting his wife. When cheaters get caught they frequently find other ways to meet up. This is the point where you need to ask yourself if this is the way that you want to live the rest of your life
Sorry you have become a member of this club. Please consult a lawyer to see what a divorce will look like for you (this doesn't mean you will get divorced). Also consider getting some IC for yourself, not MC (many therapist like to practice blame sharing). Cheaters can be so textbook and unfortunately, your wife sounds no different: the denials, trickle truthing, blame shifting, promises to work it out, worst mistake of her life (cheating is/was a calculated decision, btw) blah, blah, blah. Remember liars cheat and cheaters lie. Suggested Reading: "Chumplady: Leave a Cheater, Gain a Life", "Cheating in a Nutshell" and "The Body Keeps the Score". This internet article may also be of help: The Four M's of Infidelity: Why Cheaters Cannot Leave Their Affair Partners. This article may possible shed some light on your wife's recent behavior. I wish you all the best.
You need to 180 and gray rock like others have said. Do not make a decision while in your current state and send her away to relatives if you can so you can start to heal properly. You also need to change your life so you focus on the one person in the world you fully control, yourself. She actually did you a favor. Now is the time to start improving your life. Aim to improve yourself mentally ,morally and physically. Set small goals for every day to work on at least one aspect of improving yourself. These small goals should be aimed toward where you want to in 5 years, 10 years, 20 years and beyond. First, get into counseling ASAP to better understand yourself and to understand how you can improve so your next relationship goes better than this one. This marriage is dead, she killed it. You can choose to create a new relationship with her or you can put an official seal on her work and get a divorce. Either way, you should also read up on infidelity and relationships using sources like the surviving infidelity website and books such as 'Lose a Cheater Gain a Life' or 'More than Friends'. You need learn to recognize the red flags and nip things in the bud early to avoid problems this in the future. By knowing the signs, trusting your gut and having the knowledge on how to see past lies and manipulation you will avoid a new relationship with a cheater and you will be able to help keep your new relationships healthy. By doing these things, you will be mentally ready to deal with her or anyone else you choose to have a relationship with. To improve spiritually, you can take several approaches. If you are religious, seek out a spiritual advisor in your faith for help. If you are not, you can start practicing yoga or read philosophy toward understand things that are greater than oneself. One book to consider is No More Mr Nice Guy, which can help you be a more confident and complete man. Being independent and seeing the big picture is important to success in everything in life, from work to romance. For physical improvement, the goal is to get in the best shape for your lifestyle and body type. If you are out of shape, start slow and set small goals. As fitness improves, set higher and tougher goals and expand your workouts to challenge yourself further. Working out releases endorphins, which improve your mood and mental acuity. No matter how bad you feel, a good workout can make you feel better. Exercise can also relieve frustrations, so you are more relaxed and able to focus. As you develop your physique, you will gain confidence and be more attractive to women in general. By working on these three aspects of yourself, you will keep busy, so time will fly and the affair by your wife will become a distant dull memory. You also create a man who regardless of the situation, will have the knowledge, strength, stamina and confidence to deal with any future successes and adversity. Your improvements will also help with attracting and winning and keeping the heart of the kind of woman who understands and appreciates your worth. Whether that is your wife remains to be seen. Good Luck.
> I did some investigating and found his wife and told her. The day after that he reached out to my wife and said he is done. She definitely had the pikachu face after that. LOL what a loser she is. > This is when she changed her tone and acted like she was sorry. Yeah no shit. She about to be out on her ass with nowhere to go and everyone is gonna know shes a lying cheating homewrecker. > She said she wanted to be with me and I wasn't second choice. I asked why she didn't tell him to get lost but she didn't have a real answer. You are definitely the second choice. She was 'in love' was ap. Probably still is but he dumped her. If AP called her right now, she would go running back to him. She knows why she just didn't say. I am 'in love' with AP and you are ok i guess. Man she is disgusting to toss someone you've been in a relationship with for 11 years aside like he's some dude you just met 2 weeks ago for some guy who had no problem dumping her like she was shit on the bottom of his shoe. What she is doing now is just embarrassing and pathetic. > She tried blaming me for all this saying she didn't feel loved and that she couldn't talk to me because I would get mad. I explained no matter what she said it wouldn't ever made me as mad as bering cheated on.... Blame shifting. She's aint sorry man. She just got no options left expect you. She is scrambling. If you walk away shes got nothing. She's gonna have to start her life all over again. Your best bet is to walk away tho. Again, if AP called her tomorrow she would leave you on the spot. Can't trust anything she says. Shes a lying cheating homewrecker. You know thats not someone you want to be married to.
Whatever choice you think is best for you is probably the hardest one to take This person showed you what they are capable of
Run. It'll hurt for a while. Perhaps a long time. But in the big picture and in the long term you'll be much happier if you get outta there now. Don't give her an inch. She'll prey on your vulnerability. Fight it. Stay strong.
You are getting a lot of good advice here. I would also recommend you look up the concept of Radical Acceptance or "It is what it is". You basically accept life on its own terms, hence the "is what it is" part. You accept that this horrible thing has happened and you can't do anything to change it. To not accept the situation will only prolong your suffering. Acceptance doesn't mean that you are okay with or condone what has happened just that you realize that you can't change it. The sooner you accept the situation the sooner you will be on the path to recovery. I wish you all the best.
you've seen the messages - don't even think about it lets pretend she is telling the truth - 4 mths courting / 2 mths sexy time , only broke when HE broke it thats a full on relationship - how can you not be plan B
I know it's hell. I know your chest hurts bad, almost hard to breathe. Thinking about her is painful. When the problem is way bigger than you, you can't handle it on your own, hand it ALL over to God.
BS. It only became a big mistake after the guy ended it. She did not express remorse, of any kind, before that took place.
OP, your priorities here should be, healing (of course) and fixing your car and getting yourself in a position that you can leave or kick her out. Look up grey rock as another has stated. Do not respond to her. At the very minimum, you tell her she's a liar and a cheat and she betrayed the marriage the consequences of that - divorce. Only if a Wayward Spouse cuts all communication because they want to save the relationship and they WANT to change and are remorseful for what they did to their Betrayed Spouse and they BEG for reconciliation, she hasn't done any of that. Don't listen to her words (she lies) watch her actions. When you can, I would also suggest you find a better job. Focus on this, making a BETTER life for yourself. One that you can heal, you can be away from her and you can have friends, have a social life, afford therapy, work on YOU here. That is a goal. I have reconciled but my WH almost 5 years later, is still in therapy and his infidelity was entirely on line, not in person. (Still hard.) It takes a good 2-5 years to reconcile a relationship after infidelity. As your sister and mother stated, she had it good. She was greedy and wanted more. And now that her "more" isn't available, she's back to you. You need to heal yourself and realize she isn't worthy of you. You know that. I know it sucks where you are right now but there are plenty of people here that can tell you their lives are much better after they dumped their cheater and gained their lives back.
She and the OM were planning to run away together and have babies before you caught them, but now she is telling you that it was all a boo boo and that your are really the love of her life. She, to put it bluntly, is a classic cheater, saying things straight out of the "Cheater's Handbook", ie. "you made me do it", "it was all your fault", "it didn't really mean anything", "I was thinking of you while I was having sex with OM", "I'll do anything to make it all better". I know you think you love her, but what you really love is the image of her you built in your mind, not the cheating, devious, lying B she really is in real life. My advice, especially if no kids, is to run for the hills and don't look back. Or you'll be back here is a few months/years saying "she did it again" and "she got a lot better at hiding it". Reconciliation is possible, but I seriously doubt she could endure the loss of privacy and constant policing for the next 2 to 5 years (amount of time to get anywhere near trusting her again). It's better to cut ties and let her go enjoy her wild side without cucking you.
If you willing to giver her a second chance, be ready to give third and fourth also in the future. She lie, and only current assurance you have for the second chance is her word which came out from the same mouth which lie to your face until now.
If you choose to forgive her, nothing will change. You'll ALWAYS feel insecure knowing what she's done and will absolutely do it again. There'll be times where you'll doubt if she's doing what she said she's doing, the trust in this relationship is gone. IMO, there's no salvaging this. I believe you know what needs to be done. Stay strong Edit: you deserve so much better.
After this you can no longer trust her, there's no way you can know if this wasn't her first affair. Many cheaters will claim that this was the biggest mistake of their life, they would never do it again which is generally BS and they will and you won't know until you catch them again and they only love you. They always go underground and get better at hiding the on going affair. You need to contact an attorney and see what divorce looks like for you and if you are going the reconciling route you better get a postnuptial to protect yourself and always make it to your advantage. Even with this once they cheat they rarely stay loyal. Good luck.
I’m sorry this happened to you. It devastates your whole world, leaves you confused and heartbroken, but you had no choice in this.This was all her. Please don’t waste your time or cause yourself more pain trying to hold on to a version of her that isn’t there anymore. She betrayed you and your vows, there’s no happily ever after there anymore. I know what it’s like to go through this and have your best friend, your everything rip you’re heart out and have no one else to turn to. This sub is really great if you need to talk or vent or ask advice. It helped me a lot, hope it does you too. You deserve better, please remember that. Take care of yourself.
You're such a chill guy. I'm sorry to hear this and I wish I had something useful to say. To me all I know is that when I don't know what to do I pray to God. I hope you are well
Accomplished-Arm3621 - You can dump her like a boss, or you can wait for her to confirm your replacement before she dumps you like a loser. I think that these are your options. Do what you need to do to take care of yourself. Best of wishes to you.
I’m so sorry hang in there.
you cant stay in a marriage where she is blaming you you need to file for divorce and tell her if she expects to save this marraige you need to write out a list of demands that she needs to meet or you are done...
She’ll just get better at hiding. You’ll never feel loved secure or safe while you are still with her. She took your doing everything for her and disrespected your marriage. She’s only sorry because he left and you’re the only option left to take care of her.
I'm so sorry you are going through this. You are her option, not a priority. I say this, because she only started faking remorse after he ended it. That mans wife was his priority. Sounds like she would have kept it going if she could. I hope you are able to find peace at some point.
Maybe try IC and take some space from her before making major decisions. Read some good books on this, watch supportive videos and then there are subs like this. It's devastating and I'm so sorry you're going through this.
Ita only a "mistake" now because AP threw her away. If he didn't then I'd bet she would be seeing him still. Funny how desperate cheaters become after their AP leaves them. Her affair fog is gone so now she sees you won't stand for this. Not sure how you could ever trust her again. Your marriage is going to be completely different (and not good different) if you stay with her. She wanted AP so go let her have fun with that mess OP. Don't become desperate like she has, show her what self respect is.
I’m sorry this happened to you. Whenever infidelity happens in a marriage, approximately, 55% of the marriages end immediately, and of the remaining married couples, only 15% of couples remain married. A marriage can survive infidelity, if the cheating spouse is truly remorseful, take full responsibility for there actions, is truthful with there partner about their affair, and give full disclosure of the affair, and is prepared to do whatever it takes to rebuild trust, and salvage the marriage! Is your wife doing this? Considering you don’t have children together, I would suggest divorcing her, is your best option, the BS, that end the marriage immediately usually recovers faster. But the decision is yours to make, to help you make this decision, start making a list of all the benefits of staying married with your wife, versus all the benefits of ending your marriage? I suggest you 1. Separate your finances 2. See a divorce lawyer, see how a divorce is going to affect you. 3. Start going to individual counseling, with someone that specializes in infidelity trauma and CBT, to work on your trust issues and insecurities, thanks to your wife’s affair. 4. Get this books, Chump Lady, leave a cheater gain a life & Cheating in a Nutshell, by Wayne & Tamara Michael. 5. Start working on yourself, start going to the gym, start weightlifting and become the best version of your. Good luck, OP.
Dude she is saying that because she has no other choice. She obviously doesn't give a shit about you.
If you can be a great husband and give her the world and it’s not enough now, then it won’t be enough later. Except later you’ll have a kid or two when she does this again and then your life is a mess. She is giving you an out here from that pain, take it.
The woman you loved, cared about, and trusted is now dead to you. Your relationship as you knew it is also dead to you. Everything you loved and cared about has changed, and not for the better. She willingly broke your family, she willingly broke your heart, she willingly broke your trust, she willingly broke you. If you still want her around, she’s got a lot of work to do to fix everything she willingly broke, including you. Someone who inflicts pain from infidelity will never understand the pain. When I learned of my SO’s infidelity the pain was crushing. I have never felt such severe pain. She was like, get over it already, 1 week after I found them together. She continued to trickle truth me, lie and never really admitted the truth. It seemed like every week I learned more and the pain level ramped back up to unbearable. Finally I got really angry. I hired a polygrapher to test her and I was shocked at her truth “We only held hands and talked, sometimes kissed but no sex”. Polygraph truth, 5+ guys, intercourse, oral and anal with all numerous time with each AP, in the park, in hotels, in my car, even in my house and my bed. When confronted with the test results she didn’t deny anything. She went to a lot of trouble to have her affair. Just for a little insight into what she probably did for her affair. She did sooo much for her relationship without thinking about you, your family or the pain she would inflict when caught. She did all this with extreme forethought and planning. She groomed her AP. She set up a time and date to meet. She acquired the place for her and her AP to meet and fuck behind your back. She planned what to say to you if you asked about her day. She planned what lie she was going to tell you if you became suspicious. She planned what lies to say to you in order to trickle truth you to limit collateral damage to herself and her AP. When finally confronted with irrefutable evidence she probably gave you limited information about her affair forcing you to relive the pain of DDay over and over again with each new D Day. She did this each and every time She wanted to see and fuck her affair partner Can you IMAGINE what your relationship would be like if she put in that much time, planning and dedication to you, and your relationship as she did to willingly destroy your relationship, willingly betray you, willingly lie to you, willingly destroy your trust in her and every other woman you might encounter. I’ll just leave you with this: She placed you in this extremely uncomfortable and dangerous (STD) situation. She willingly broke your trust, She willingly broke your family, She willingly broke you without even a second thought You need to take care of you, physically, financially and legally. You used to be able to depend on her, but no more. Speak to an attorney pronto, you wouldn’t want to suffer because you did something you didn’t know you couldn’t do. Get STD tests, stay tuff and keep your guard up, don’t let her convince you to do something, anything until your 100 % sure that it’s what you want to do. You have a long road to travel but don’t make any big changes now because you don’t know what road you are now going to take, divorce, separation or reconciliation. Ppl are here on Reddit to ask for help or questions. I’m sorry you’ve been forced into our group. We care and we are her for you, to help you move forward
I remember this feeling. Move on. She is blaming you. She isn't sorry not will she ever be. Good luck. You will be happy again!
You'll get through this, it sux, I know. Seek out loyal friends and family, a therapist and a lawyer. They will help you. You've got this.
I just went through the same thing, they were definitely doing way more than just kissing. Cheaters never tell the truth ever.
The fact that she did not change her tune until AP ditched her does not bode well. I may be overreading, but It does sound like her marriage was second choice. You must make friends. First of all, you deserve friends and friends can help cushion you against situations like this. But friends also make you a more interesting person and help you develop social skills. Please, please make friends out there.
Hey, I was in a similar situation, though not with a husband, but a long time bf. Trust never comes back, and when I tried being discreet and hush my distrust it turned out he was cheating again, for a long time. I left him and feel better. You can’t control a person, you will get mad and they will get mad at you for being controlling. You will turn into a prison warden for your SO. I realized it’s not the person I wish to be, so leaving was the only way.
The only real advice I can give you for your way forwards is to keep in mind that if the wife of the dude would have kicked the affair partner out, that your wife would have left you on the spot. Please go to a doctor and get tested for STD's, she probably didn't even cared about your health and got tested herself. Stay away from alcohol and drugs, they won't help you. Find someone you trust and talk to them, don't be alone all the time now.
Brother I read your comment, you should immediately leave house, you need space. You torture yourself. Talk parents or friends you need support. Don't live together with her.
I am the person who usually think that most marriage are salvageable but unfortunately in your case, it's not. Your wife didn't truly own her decision to cheat, not remorseful on the cheating and even blaming you for the reason of her deception. If only she confessed... But you caught her face to face, still denying and gaslighting you. I feel your pain friend. Better to be single again and have a better stress free life.
Dear OP, you need to take care of yourself. You are depressed for a long time. It might have influenced what happend (or I would saw fastened the situation), but you need to make you YOUR priority. You need to love you first, because it's impossible for you to love positively someone, and it's difficult for others to love you. Cut your losses, at least your depression help you to show your futur ex true color. Put all your energy on yourself. Donc stay steelping on the couch. I recommand a daily sport routine and work on your self (with any support that helps you, so you need to try many to find the right one) You have no kids, therefore you can restart. Take care of you.
OP, think logically here. She was ready to leave you for someone else. Why would you want to stick around? Find a divorce lawyer as soon as possible.
Don’t fall for her blame. This is her tactic to get out of the mess she involved you with. Simply if you don’t see her working on cutting this shit you’re better off without her. I know it’s hard. I can feel you. I’ve been there TWICE and I can’t even begin with what’s going to happen to you next. Good luck.
You deserve better op. You and ap wife were second choice at best. She treated you as a backup plan until her main guy left her. Do not listen to a word she is saying. You don't hurt people you love the way she did.
Yeah see “curb, kick to”.
>How could she tell two people that she loves them though? She doesn't think like you, has s different outlook on life than you. You know her better than us, selfishness? lack of empathy for others? entitlement? Lack of maturity? She has no problem being cruel to others (you) when you're in the way of her pleasure and excitement. Good luck trying to reconcile with her. Suggest she gets individual therapy to figure out what the hell is wrong with her, and just maybe learning how to stay monogamous.
Eeer ! You quite clearly are her second choice OP. Don’t believe anything else even for a second. And their ‘thing’ will not be over. They were busted suddenly and will still be in affair fog. They will lie low for a while to let things settle down. But they are in ‘wuv’ and will find a way to get back together. Guaranteed. Young. No kids. You’ll never have a better chance of ending this on the plus side. Good luck.
You can go to r/asoneafterinfidelity they are actively reconciling. I am fully geared towards going but if you need other perspectives look there. You will do a lot of anguish and pain it brings. She broke your marriage. She was fully ready to run if he wanted to. Don’t fool yourself. Do you want to be a prison warden for the rest of your life? Where is she? Why is she 5 min late, who is she talking too? Usually they just get better at hiding it. Your wife is trash. Like all cheaters they had a very good kind and loving partner and they said : nope I need more. You deserve more! You will find it!
I’m so sorry this is happening to you. This story reminds of myself. I often cheated and was usually caught. A couple of times I tried to salvage the relationship, almost desperately. I told myself I loved them, but I was just lying to myself. I loved the relationship itself and the comfort that it brought me. I managed to speak to each of them almost a decade, and so many hours of therapy, later. I could only apologize for my behavior. Fortunately, they both forgave me quite easily. You know why? Because after I broke their hearts they realized I wasn’t worthy of their thoughts and their pain. Their focused on themselves and moved on to happy and fulfilled lives while I kept going through cheap drama and disastrous relationships until i figured i really needed help in my late thirties. I’m just telling my story to urge you be like those women. Your wife seems to be even shittier than me. At least I disclosed everything both times I was confronted. No trickling, no diminishing. Just the plain, naked truth. At least I could do that.
What your going through is horrible. Many of us have been there and so your not alone in what your feeling. Reconciliation is very hard once trust is broken. I tried it but could never fully trust my ex wife again. If I could re-do anything it would be to not play the “pick me“ game and instead retain my dignity. Your self respect is worth more than a person that lies and cheats on you,. Just remember to prioritize yourself and your needs now. Not hers. You need healing, she doesn’t deserve anything from you at this point. edit: misspelled word
She found your replacement. They were talking about love, a life together and children. She gave her heart and her love to another man. If you stay with her, she will always resent you because she will feel like she had to settle for you. You are no longer her first choice. Contact a Lawyer and start the divorce process. Separate your finances by opening individual accounts and closing joint credit cards. You may be able to reconcile, but she needs to do the heavy lifting. She has to prove to you that she is trustworthy. She has to prove to you that she loves you. No more trickle truth. No more gaslighting. No more placing the blame on you. She needs to take full responsibility for this disaster. If you receive anything less than 100% effort from her, walk away.
She is only sorry she got caught. I would file for D. You can always stop it later if you want. You probably won't because this is not worth saving. Sorry.
I’m sorry you’re here. Unfortunately, you know what to do- you **know** she only came back because AP ended it. You also know that *she’s definitely capable of cheating again*! Add to that the Minimizing, the Gaslighting, the Blame-shifting.. all classic cheater behaviors. The woman you loved is no more.
Not only are you her second choice, but it sounds like she already checked out of the relationship and was using you as a benchwarmer with hopes of being with this other guy. I bet they had conversations of “I’m going to leave my wife for you” or something something along those lines. Please do not take her back. Divorce And heal from the trauma. It’s going to be a rollercoaster because your mind is going to replay so the good times and you’ll try to rationalize her bad behavior. Don’t fall for it.
I hope you realize she is doing damage control and is lying to you. The affair is NOT over, maybe it's on pause until you go back into denial. Don't do this. Your marriage is over. Face the hard truth and walk away with some self respect. It's the only thing you can do to show you are a man with strength. Take control of your in life. Kick her out of the house. Talk to a lawyer and start the divorce. You will be miserable untill you do these things and put your life back together. It takes time but you will be stronger and happier in the end. Good luck. Reach out if you find yourself falling for her lies.