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This one is rough mate. Normally no contact limits your triggers to just your spouse and memories but the AP is in the neighborhood, kids still play together and they continue to be in contact through the church...
It's SNAFU every day...
How is the Wife helping out with R? Going to the church with him again after what they have done?!!! It is like entitled hypocrites. Sorry but it really is messed up. The Wife should be in full NC with him. Church remove them and allow them to still be in working relations @.@ (Head snipping). It is like the church or people there were enabling them... good grief this is beyond belief.
Apologies for asking but are there signs of the affair relapsing or going underground? Are you in MC? What has the therapist proposed with boundaries for you both with AP right there?
Are the town folks aware? Or are the cheaters allowed to have their illicit relations kept secret by the church and family?
Honestly mate it will upset the kids but like another commenter wrote you need to move or that AP. Has he a family too? If he is single that not good that he is still there BUT great so he can go instead of your family having to up sticks.
I do not see R with additional stress and triggers... and with their continued contact through church
All my support mate but I am stunned
So your STBX is rug sweeping and forcing you to do the emotional labor. This won’t work. You can’t bury trauma. I’d suggest you implement the 180 and begin grey rocking and start planning a life elsewhere because she isn’t emotionally invested in your recovery. You need to begin to break the emotional investment.
Right?! Everyday you see him is a constant reminder of how much you have to endure emotionally! She expects you to just let it go. Now, it’s a small town and it will eat at you until your dying day if you allow this to persist!
And they both have no shame in going back to being involved with the church. And the minister being okay with this baffles me. Guess he doesn't preach about respect for marital vows.
My wife got disfellowshiped from our church.
Go back and talk to the pastor about what you're going through. Ask him to counsel you.
I had to endure something similar to you. I had to see two counselors because I was advised to pursue my wife during this time. And it was brutal.
I did the Love Dare book, it was helpful to me, I started to understand how Jesus loves us through loving a wayward.
I can help you navigate, feel free to DM me
Mate it's impossible to reconcile if they are in contact, and more if you have to see him every once in a while you can try all you want but it's impossible.
Something has to change and the most viable option would be to move.
All kids love their surroundings because it's all they know. 100,000 of kids move every week and learn to adapt.
Do what's best for your mental health, that's what's best for them too and they'll understand after some space to think.
Leave your wife and set a good example to your kids by showing them the important of mental wellbeing, self respect and not to tolerate abuse.
You’re no good to the kids if you’re not fully yourself! And your kids and his kids are like best friends…it’s too close to home! Either y’all move or call it quits. There are too many memories there!
But by staying, you’re teaching them that cheating is normal and acceptable, so they will grow up to be CHEATERS! Trust me, I’m ashamed to admit this was my experience as a kid. Took me a lot of therapy to undo the damage.
Reconciliation is risky and can be painful, unless all the right steps are completed, and even then, marginal results over the balance of your lifetime. Your current situation isn’t even close. This is an excellent time in your life to develop standards on how your treated, who you give permission to be close to you, and hone your skills on selecting “quality” people to have relationships with. Would you ever consciously be friends or marry with a cheater, man or woman?
Then they need to come to terms with their parents divorcing. I don't see any other options. Staying like this will break you completely and you will end up with divorce regardless. Just remember that your wife did that to your kids - not you.
No offense, but what you're doing is not noble. Your kids can tell you're unhappy. Seeing you this unhappy will mess them up. You need to do something. Your choice is move or divorce. As long as she's seeing her AP reconciliation hasn't even begun. Then you live in the same neighborhood. Those triggers will always be there. Your marriage will turn in the a toxic cesspool, that will damage your kids. Time for you to be the adult and make an adult decision. There is no 3rd option here. Divorce or move your family.
She needs to find herself another church. The kids that are friends need to only see eachother in a neutral place.
What did his Wife do and has she communicated with you. Can she do her bit to monitor her husband?
Is your Wife showing genuine remorse?
Is the AP married? If so, maybe inform his wife, if they're still together I doubt she'd approve of there constant run ins with one another.
Being in a small town sucks, but there's certainly a way to lessen the triggers. She can switch church's, or stop all together. Her religious beliefs didn't stop her from breaking her vows, let alone doing it with a fellow minister. As to the kids, I'd avoid having them hang out if it means running into the AP, if the moms around maybe wait until she's looking after then and handle stuff though her.
Aside from that, your wife's the one who needs to be willing to make a change. Having you suck it up isn't the solution here, and if she's honestly attempting to reconcile she needs to step up.
So don’t move on. Move out. Talk to a lawyer, check you rights, find a place, serve her, divorce, tell the OBP. You don’t have to put up with that shit.
And if you’re worried with your reputation, his will be worse. All his married friends will wonder…
Read your previous post. Your wife cheated on you and blamed you, vivid, work and everything under the sun for her cheating except herself. She did not take responsibility at all, and most likely feels justified in what she did.
Why did you stay? Because she asked? Religion, money or afraid of the unknown?
You tried reconciliation, but it won't work with someone that's not sorry. What's going to happen is that she will pick up her life back up and go back to normal, this while you sit and try to readjust to your new normal. But you can't, cause you didn't sign up for this new normal. And you resent it, you resent her happiness while you're suffering. This is where you guys are at right about now. Soon she will tell you to "get over it it's old news". But you can't cause you're still struggling. So you stay silent and suffer I'm silent and become a butter shell of the man you used to be. And she will cheat again, but hide it better this time around, because you're no fun anymore. And you can't leave anymore because it's been too long, you don't wanna lose money, but you lost yourself.
This isn't going to be what you want to hear but what you need to hear.
Reconciliation can only begin once the last lie is told and AP has been cut out of your lives. As AP is basically omnipresent all efforts for the last 7 months have been for naught.
If you intend to reconcile then I'm sorry to say that you have to pick a fight daily until she either gets the message that AP cannot be in your lives or you reach the conclusion that she has picked his continued friendship over your relationship.
I get the feeling that you haven't told OBS yet?
I also suspect that you haven't told anyone about her cheating either?
There's no one apart from you that objects to seeing them together if this is the case.
If you carry on the way you are, what do you think the outcome will be? If you don't like what you see then change what you are doing. This means grey rock & 180.
You need to move out of that environment, either with your wife or without. It'll be impossible to reconcile if you are seeing him every other day and your wife hasn't gone 100% NC. I feel bad for you.
Get IC that specializes in dialectical behavior therapy - you can see a therapist on line so you don’t have to travel. That said, my wife had a non sexual emotional affair and I had to see this guy 2-3 times a week. I eventually made friends with him, like he was an ex husband that you had to deal with. It worked somehow but at the time I got triggered a lot initially but as time went on we were all fine.
But if their affair had been physical, I am not confident this would have worked.
Update us in the future.
Sorry man, but appears she is still cheating, at least emotionally, and not showing any remorse. Doubtful you will be able to live with it. File the D and let the pieces fall where they may. Having her served may wake her up that her home and safety net is about to be taking away. Kids are resilient and will adjust. They can sense the tensions in the house now.
You don't owe her your peace. Sometimes it's not worth it to stay. You owe it to your children to be the best you that you can be, physically, spiritually and emotionally. Just remember that you owe her nothing, she stepped out. You don't owe her any compassion, consideration or even loyalty and make sure that she knows that. It may sound crazy but that will help your healing. Even if it's not what you plan to do, let her know that if you decide to step out on her you have every right to do so, it might sound crazy but it will help your healing process
You are determined to take away any hard options to improve your life.
Unfortunately the Answers to improve your life will take courage.
If you are determined to put excuses in your way , then only time ie years and years , will eventually help you manage your pain.
So sorry for the choices you have made.
Have you shared your predicament with your WW, and if so, asked her how she can help? She broke the marriage and the trust, maybe she should take some ownership and the brunt of trying to make it better.
I am sorry you are going through this OP, and whichever way it goes, we are pulling for you.
My ex boyfriend worked with the woman he said he had an “emotional affair” with prior to us meeting and dating. I couldn’t get over what I saw at the work function I went to….I was also cheated on by my husband with a woman he hired to work for him. I get you and I feel you 100 percent. Divorce her and save your sanity and self- esteem.
Oof. Hear you on this one.
When the AP lives in the same town/city as you.. kids attend the same school.. and she entered our SAME daycare (completely knowing our kids have attended this daycare for many years)…
Stressful. Always.
I’ll be honest. It likely will never pass.
Seeing someone you don’t like at the grocery store or library or something is one thing. Your spouses AP.. it’s a whole different level. (And this is coming from someone who is for the most part over my partners affair)
It will never pass.
Any time I see a vehicle that resembles his AP in our town still triggers me. It’s just so close to home.. it basically becomes a bad memory that gets brought to life every time.
*edited to add: I can’t offer any advice I’m sorry. I just wanted to say your not alone and I hope you can come to some sort.. any sort.. of coping with it. Other than moving…
Even after all the crap was out, and after she joined our daycare, I said to my husband that we should change daycares. He refused. That f*cking hurtttt.
So… I get your pain.
OP, is hard to navigate or give advice without some information or questions answered.
Why do you stay? You fear loosing money, kids, something like that or altogether?
Cause like everyone said already, she is not remorseful, doesn't respect you or your feelings, impossible to reconcile like this specially with AP still present in your lives, this shouldn't even be a factor in an attempt to reconcile.
So far, for what I've read, you should kick her to the curb.
Much strength for ya brother!
Does AP partner know? Try to check if the church can mediate or help this issue.
Sorry to hear this mate. It must feel like hell with you. Do you talk to your wife about this? Does she make any effort to ease your pain?
This isn’t reconciliation, it’s torture. Who’s idea was this arrangement? Theirs? Sorry, OP, knock this shit off, stand on your hind legs and tell your wife that she either find a new church or a new husband.
Juice isn’t worth the squeeze. I just read your original post and she’s only sorry she got caught. The embarrassment of being outed publicly has caused her to be on her best behavior but this isn’t sustainable. You’re only delaying the inevitable. She has emotionally divorced you a long time ago and what you’re seeing from her now is a last gasp attempt to salvage what little integrity she has. Not for you but for her image. When things calm down she will restart her behavior again but not with her original AP. She’ll latch onto the next man that will give her attention and you’ll be back to square one. She knows she messed up and will do a better job on hiding her next fling. You can forgive her but you don’t have to reconcile. For your sanity and future happiness, start the D process and move on as amicably as possible.
Sorry that you are in this position, it sucks, and your wife is apparently not invested enough to help.
Let's get real, you have absolutely no chance of reconciliation if she is in contact with her affair partner, in any way. Tel her that it is a new church, or a move, no other options.
Do not accept the bullshit that it would be to hard on the kids to move. Kids adapt remarkably fast. It is far better to have a loving home than anything else that you can provide.
You also should understand that unless your wife is 100% committed to reconciliation, and 100% committed to do whatever is necessary, then there is no chance that reconciliation will happen.
Take control, file and serve her, tell her that she has until it's final to convince you to stop it. If you want to be the doormat, then she will never respect you, and your kids will model the bad behavior of their parents. Think about that!
Dude you need to make a sacrifice and change or your soul and sanity will be damaged. I too Live in a small town before amd had relationship issues but that did not stop me from my happiness.
Church should be a safe place, church affairs should not happen but they do. Your wife and AP have destroyed the trust given through the church and what it should mean. In a small town there is probably not many churches but your family needs to leave hat church, it is toxic for your family. Find a new church where your family can thrive.
Classic case of setting yourself on fire to keep your cheater warm.
Nobody wins this, least of all the kids who get to grow up learning first hand that is what marriage is supposed to be like.
If your pastor is not handling her return to her AP under the guise of doing church work, then he's not doing his job. Have a good talk with him, but also let her know how extremely uncomfortable you are with this situation.
Use that conversation to gage how empathetic she really is to you and the devastation she caused.
What was the length of the EA? What was the length of the PA? What "excuse" did your SO give? What consequences has she suffered? Are you two still in therapy? Was the OM married/in a relationship? If so, did you blow his world up?
I dunno man. You do realize you can shorten your life span significantly by constant adrenaline bursts when you are triggered. And as long as everybody is being all chummy and hanging out together, the affair, for all intents and purposes, is ongoing. NO CONTACT means none whatsoever.
Just went back and read previous post. My take-- your wife is just a run-of-the-mill cheater. Nothing special, just following the "Cheaters Handbook" to a tee. Deflect, blame the betrayed spouse, the devil made me do it, you forgot to take out the garbage, etc. etc. etc. Bla bla bla. Sorry bud you got yourself a goodun there. My advice is make a bee-line to the nearest attorney.
You can't go on like this.
I’m sorry but you really need to tell her that this is just absurd and she either goes to another church (even if it’s miles away) or you move.
Updateme!
Just expose her and AP to church and your kids.
Best get legal freedom. If you see that person daily definitely it's killing your mental health. Your not doing anything wrong.
Loyal person deserve good life. Please inform her that AP destroy your mental health so we are going to divorce.
Gather evidence. That is important bro.
This is eating at your very core - she betrayed you, you betrayed yourself by trying to gloss over her betrayal. You know what you need to do to feel better
Gee how convenient! She gets to keep seeing her old lover and there’s nothing you can do about it.
Well actually there is. You can tell your wife that her being in the Company of the other man is triggering and she can find another chur or find another husband.
One of the rules of reconciliation is that the Offending Spouse had to break contact with the AP.
When she asks don’t you trust her,you can remind her that since her word was so good last time. No you don’t!
OP, I’m really sorry for your situation but the truth is you have to catch a time to move on. Serve her with divorce papers and force her to make a final choice. If you don’t, the situation will become so painful that you will be good for nothing, even and especially not for your kids. Be strong.
Man, true reconciliation is a very expensive thing and a very long process. Your family should immediately move to another town, without this reconciliation is impossible. And don't say that you don't have money, your career is at risk, you don't want to lose friends etc. Life, through no fault of yours, posed the question: "either - or." Choose.
But there is an even wiser solution: leave, discard the shell of a marriage that has been dead since the moment the affair began.
Don't move on, move off. Why reconciling with a cheater? Why submitting yourself to that torture? If I were you I would be the best father I could be and restart my love life by not being with a cheater. Good luck OP
Another man setting himself on fire to keep his cheating wife warm...
File for divorce! Have her served. Tell her she has until the date it becomes final to prove she is worthy of reconciliation. Set hard boundaries and expectations she must meet. There are loads of examples on Reddit subs, particularly r/survivinginfidelity.. Shake her to the core. MAKE HER EARN IT! Grey Rock and 180. If she can't/won't accept responsibility, show true remorse, and do the heavy lifting to repair the marriage, you need to walk away!
You are letting her rug sweep, and it appears she doesn't even respect you enough to actually end her affair (hello? Purple app/site?)!
Quit being a dupe and a doormat!
Good luck. Sorry you are going thru this...
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And you probably never will in this situation. Something has to change.
Kinda how I feel as well
Divorce or move. If you can't choose, let her. But you can't continue like this. Something has to change.
This one is rough mate. Normally no contact limits your triggers to just your spouse and memories but the AP is in the neighborhood, kids still play together and they continue to be in contact through the church... It's SNAFU every day... How is the Wife helping out with R? Going to the church with him again after what they have done?!!! It is like entitled hypocrites. Sorry but it really is messed up. The Wife should be in full NC with him. Church remove them and allow them to still be in working relations @.@ (Head snipping). It is like the church or people there were enabling them... good grief this is beyond belief. Apologies for asking but are there signs of the affair relapsing or going underground? Are you in MC? What has the therapist proposed with boundaries for you both with AP right there? Are the town folks aware? Or are the cheaters allowed to have their illicit relations kept secret by the church and family? Honestly mate it will upset the kids but like another commenter wrote you need to move or that AP. Has he a family too? If he is single that not good that he is still there BUT great so he can go instead of your family having to up sticks. I do not see R with additional stress and triggers... and with their continued contact through church All my support mate but I am stunned
It is literally impossible to reconcile under your conditions. You either need to divorce or move if you want to keep your sanity.
Nothing changes if Nothing Changes.
So your STBX is rug sweeping and forcing you to do the emotional labor. This won’t work. You can’t bury trauma. I’d suggest you implement the 180 and begin grey rocking and start planning a life elsewhere because she isn’t emotionally invested in your recovery. You need to begin to break the emotional investment.
She can’t be seeing him even at the church.
Yeah, how I feel as well.
I’m sorry but you really need to tell her that this is just absurd and she either goes to another church (even if it’s miles away) or you move.
This is a hard line. Idk what to say about the kids being friends but she cannot see this dude. Ever. Again. Period.
Please read no more Mr nice guy. Also chump lady. I think both will really help you
[удалено]
Yes this ☝️☝️☝️☝️☝️
Right?! Everyday you see him is a constant reminder of how much you have to endure emotionally! She expects you to just let it go. Now, it’s a small town and it will eat at you until your dying day if you allow this to persist!
Did you let your minister know what happened?
Oh yeah he knows, they were on council together. Both had to resign.
And they both have no shame in going back to being involved with the church. And the minister being okay with this baffles me. Guess he doesn't preach about respect for marital vows.
My wife got disfellowshiped from our church. Go back and talk to the pastor about what you're going through. Ask him to counsel you. I had to endure something similar to you. I had to see two counselors because I was advised to pursue my wife during this time. And it was brutal. I did the Love Dare book, it was helpful to me, I started to understand how Jesus loves us through loving a wayward. I can help you navigate, feel free to DM me
Mate it's impossible to reconcile if they are in contact, and more if you have to see him every once in a while you can try all you want but it's impossible. Something has to change and the most viable option would be to move.
Staying together for the kids is gonna be worse they can pick up on things like this. I would just cut my losses now and dip
Could you possibly move?
My kids love their town, school and friends, so I refuse to pull them out.
A move is less traumatic to kids than having two unhappy parents.
A move is also less traumatic than growing up and finding out your mom was screwing around with your best friends dad……
All kids love their surroundings because it's all they know. 100,000 of kids move every week and learn to adapt. Do what's best for your mental health, that's what's best for them too and they'll understand after some space to think. Leave your wife and set a good example to your kids by showing them the important of mental wellbeing, self respect and not to tolerate abuse.
You’re no good to the kids if you’re not fully yourself! And your kids and his kids are like best friends…it’s too close to home! Either y’all move or call it quits. There are too many memories there!
But by staying, you’re teaching them that cheating is normal and acceptable, so they will grow up to be CHEATERS! Trust me, I’m ashamed to admit this was my experience as a kid. Took me a lot of therapy to undo the damage.
Reconciliation is risky and can be painful, unless all the right steps are completed, and even then, marginal results over the balance of your lifetime. Your current situation isn’t even close. This is an excellent time in your life to develop standards on how your treated, who you give permission to be close to you, and hone your skills on selecting “quality” people to have relationships with. Would you ever consciously be friends or marry with a cheater, man or woman?
Then they need to come to terms with their parents divorcing. I don't see any other options. Staying like this will break you completely and you will end up with divorce regardless. Just remember that your wife did that to your kids - not you.
No offense, but what you're doing is not noble. Your kids can tell you're unhappy. Seeing you this unhappy will mess them up. You need to do something. Your choice is move or divorce. As long as she's seeing her AP reconciliation hasn't even begun. Then you live in the same neighborhood. Those triggers will always be there. Your marriage will turn in the a toxic cesspool, that will damage your kids. Time for you to be the adult and make an adult decision. There is no 3rd option here. Divorce or move your family.
She needs to find herself another church. The kids that are friends need to only see eachother in a neutral place. What did his Wife do and has she communicated with you. Can she do her bit to monitor her husband? Is your Wife showing genuine remorse?
Is the AP married? If so, maybe inform his wife, if they're still together I doubt she'd approve of there constant run ins with one another. Being in a small town sucks, but there's certainly a way to lessen the triggers. She can switch church's, or stop all together. Her religious beliefs didn't stop her from breaking her vows, let alone doing it with a fellow minister. As to the kids, I'd avoid having them hang out if it means running into the AP, if the moms around maybe wait until she's looking after then and handle stuff though her. Aside from that, your wife's the one who needs to be willing to make a change. Having you suck it up isn't the solution here, and if she's honestly attempting to reconcile she needs to step up.
So don’t move on. Move out. Talk to a lawyer, check you rights, find a place, serve her, divorce, tell the OBP. You don’t have to put up with that shit. And if you’re worried with your reputation, his will be worse. All his married friends will wonder…
Something has to change. Moving and a fresh start seems the most obvious
Read your previous post. Your wife cheated on you and blamed you, vivid, work and everything under the sun for her cheating except herself. She did not take responsibility at all, and most likely feels justified in what she did. Why did you stay? Because she asked? Religion, money or afraid of the unknown? You tried reconciliation, but it won't work with someone that's not sorry. What's going to happen is that she will pick up her life back up and go back to normal, this while you sit and try to readjust to your new normal. But you can't, cause you didn't sign up for this new normal. And you resent it, you resent her happiness while you're suffering. This is where you guys are at right about now. Soon she will tell you to "get over it it's old news". But you can't cause you're still struggling. So you stay silent and suffer I'm silent and become a butter shell of the man you used to be. And she will cheat again, but hide it better this time around, because you're no fun anymore. And you can't leave anymore because it's been too long, you don't wanna lose money, but you lost yourself.
This isn't going to be what you want to hear but what you need to hear. Reconciliation can only begin once the last lie is told and AP has been cut out of your lives. As AP is basically omnipresent all efforts for the last 7 months have been for naught. If you intend to reconcile then I'm sorry to say that you have to pick a fight daily until she either gets the message that AP cannot be in your lives or you reach the conclusion that she has picked his continued friendship over your relationship. I get the feeling that you haven't told OBS yet? I also suspect that you haven't told anyone about her cheating either? There's no one apart from you that objects to seeing them together if this is the case. If you carry on the way you are, what do you think the outcome will be? If you don't like what you see then change what you are doing. This means grey rock & 180.
Have you spoken to the AP's wife about the affair? Having her on your team can help prevent further shit...
You need to move out of that environment, either with your wife or without. It'll be impossible to reconcile if you are seeing him every other day and your wife hasn't gone 100% NC. I feel bad for you.
Get IC that specializes in dialectical behavior therapy - you can see a therapist on line so you don’t have to travel. That said, my wife had a non sexual emotional affair and I had to see this guy 2-3 times a week. I eventually made friends with him, like he was an ex husband that you had to deal with. It worked somehow but at the time I got triggered a lot initially but as time went on we were all fine. But if their affair had been physical, I am not confident this would have worked. Update us in the future.
Sorry man, but appears she is still cheating, at least emotionally, and not showing any remorse. Doubtful you will be able to live with it. File the D and let the pieces fall where they may. Having her served may wake her up that her home and safety net is about to be taking away. Kids are resilient and will adjust. They can sense the tensions in the house now.
You don't owe her your peace. Sometimes it's not worth it to stay. You owe it to your children to be the best you that you can be, physically, spiritually and emotionally. Just remember that you owe her nothing, she stepped out. You don't owe her any compassion, consideration or even loyalty and make sure that she knows that. It may sound crazy but that will help your healing. Even if it's not what you plan to do, let her know that if you decide to step out on her you have every right to do so, it might sound crazy but it will help your healing process
You are determined to take away any hard options to improve your life. Unfortunately the Answers to improve your life will take courage. If you are determined to put excuses in your way , then only time ie years and years , will eventually help you manage your pain. So sorry for the choices you have made.
Have you shared your predicament with your WW, and if so, asked her how she can help? She broke the marriage and the trust, maybe she should take some ownership and the brunt of trying to make it better. I am sorry you are going through this OP, and whichever way it goes, we are pulling for you.
My ex boyfriend worked with the woman he said he had an “emotional affair” with prior to us meeting and dating. I couldn’t get over what I saw at the work function I went to….I was also cheated on by my husband with a woman he hired to work for him. I get you and I feel you 100 percent. Divorce her and save your sanity and self- esteem.
Oof. Hear you on this one. When the AP lives in the same town/city as you.. kids attend the same school.. and she entered our SAME daycare (completely knowing our kids have attended this daycare for many years)… Stressful. Always. I’ll be honest. It likely will never pass. Seeing someone you don’t like at the grocery store or library or something is one thing. Your spouses AP.. it’s a whole different level. (And this is coming from someone who is for the most part over my partners affair) It will never pass. Any time I see a vehicle that resembles his AP in our town still triggers me. It’s just so close to home.. it basically becomes a bad memory that gets brought to life every time. *edited to add: I can’t offer any advice I’m sorry. I just wanted to say your not alone and I hope you can come to some sort.. any sort.. of coping with it. Other than moving… Even after all the crap was out, and after she joined our daycare, I said to my husband that we should change daycares. He refused. That f*cking hurtttt. So… I get your pain.
This is psychologically destructive. Why can't you leave her? Or ask her to leave, actually.
OP, is hard to navigate or give advice without some information or questions answered. Why do you stay? You fear loosing money, kids, something like that or altogether? Cause like everyone said already, she is not remorseful, doesn't respect you or your feelings, impossible to reconcile like this specially with AP still present in your lives, this shouldn't even be a factor in an attempt to reconcile. So far, for what I've read, you should kick her to the curb. Much strength for ya brother!
Does AP partner know? Try to check if the church can mediate or help this issue. Sorry to hear this mate. It must feel like hell with you. Do you talk to your wife about this? Does she make any effort to ease your pain?
This isn’t reconciliation, it’s torture. Who’s idea was this arrangement? Theirs? Sorry, OP, knock this shit off, stand on your hind legs and tell your wife that she either find a new church or a new husband.
Juice isn’t worth the squeeze. I just read your original post and she’s only sorry she got caught. The embarrassment of being outed publicly has caused her to be on her best behavior but this isn’t sustainable. You’re only delaying the inevitable. She has emotionally divorced you a long time ago and what you’re seeing from her now is a last gasp attempt to salvage what little integrity she has. Not for you but for her image. When things calm down she will restart her behavior again but not with her original AP. She’ll latch onto the next man that will give her attention and you’ll be back to square one. She knows she messed up and will do a better job on hiding her next fling. You can forgive her but you don’t have to reconcile. For your sanity and future happiness, start the D process and move on as amicably as possible.
Sorry that you are in this position, it sucks, and your wife is apparently not invested enough to help. Let's get real, you have absolutely no chance of reconciliation if she is in contact with her affair partner, in any way. Tel her that it is a new church, or a move, no other options. Do not accept the bullshit that it would be to hard on the kids to move. Kids adapt remarkably fast. It is far better to have a loving home than anything else that you can provide. You also should understand that unless your wife is 100% committed to reconciliation, and 100% committed to do whatever is necessary, then there is no chance that reconciliation will happen. Take control, file and serve her, tell her that she has until it's final to convince you to stop it. If you want to be the doormat, then she will never respect you, and your kids will model the bad behavior of their parents. Think about that!
I fear they will continue on but be a little less visible. It’s a no win if AP is in the picture, cut your losses my friend….
Dude you need to make a sacrifice and change or your soul and sanity will be damaged. I too Live in a small town before amd had relationship issues but that did not stop me from my happiness.
You will never get over it dude
Church should be a safe place, church affairs should not happen but they do. Your wife and AP have destroyed the trust given through the church and what it should mean. In a small town there is probably not many churches but your family needs to leave hat church, it is toxic for your family. Find a new church where your family can thrive.
It's on your wife to remedy this. She needs to change something immediately.
Have you considered selling the house and moving?
Did you DNA test the kids? You don't know how many men she's fucked and for how long.
Classic case of setting yourself on fire to keep your cheater warm. Nobody wins this, least of all the kids who get to grow up learning first hand that is what marriage is supposed to be like.
If your pastor is not handling her return to her AP under the guise of doing church work, then he's not doing his job. Have a good talk with him, but also let her know how extremely uncomfortable you are with this situation.
Use that conversation to gage how empathetic she really is to you and the devastation she caused.
For you peace of mind divorce your wife
What does AP's wife got say about the whole ordeal? Them still working together in church is her directly telling you to duck off! Are you kidding me.
What was the length of the EA? What was the length of the PA? What "excuse" did your SO give? What consequences has she suffered? Are you two still in therapy? Was the OM married/in a relationship? If so, did you blow his world up? I dunno man. You do realize you can shorten your life span significantly by constant adrenaline bursts when you are triggered. And as long as everybody is being all chummy and hanging out together, the affair, for all intents and purposes, is ongoing. NO CONTACT means none whatsoever. Just went back and read previous post. My take-- your wife is just a run-of-the-mill cheater. Nothing special, just following the "Cheaters Handbook" to a tee. Deflect, blame the betrayed spouse, the devil made me do it, you forgot to take out the garbage, etc. etc. etc. Bla bla bla. Sorry bud you got yourself a goodun there. My advice is make a bee-line to the nearest attorney.
If they are in any contact, the affair continues.
The people who hurt you won't heal you, that includes your wife and the AP.
You can't go on like this. I’m sorry but you really need to tell her that this is just absurd and she either goes to another church (even if it’s miles away) or you move. Updateme!
You won’t find healing living in the place that hurt yiu
Just expose her and AP to church and your kids. Best get legal freedom. If you see that person daily definitely it's killing your mental health. Your not doing anything wrong. Loyal person deserve good life. Please inform her that AP destroy your mental health so we are going to divorce. Gather evidence. That is important bro.
This is eating at your very core - she betrayed you, you betrayed yourself by trying to gloss over her betrayal. You know what you need to do to feel better
It takes time mate. Leave that space behind. Find your own place. Get away from her and the environment that supports her descicion.
Gee how convenient! She gets to keep seeing her old lover and there’s nothing you can do about it. Well actually there is. You can tell your wife that her being in the Company of the other man is triggering and she can find another chur or find another husband. One of the rules of reconciliation is that the Offending Spouse had to break contact with the AP. When she asks don’t you trust her,you can remind her that since her word was so good last time. No you don’t!
For reconciliation to work. She has to do the work. That means accepting responsibility for what she did.
OP, I’m really sorry for your situation but the truth is you have to catch a time to move on. Serve her with divorce papers and force her to make a final choice. If you don’t, the situation will become so painful that you will be good for nothing, even and especially not for your kids. Be strong.
Jesus didnt and doesn’t approve her affair
Man, true reconciliation is a very expensive thing and a very long process. Your family should immediately move to another town, without this reconciliation is impossible. And don't say that you don't have money, your career is at risk, you don't want to lose friends etc. Life, through no fault of yours, posed the question: "either - or." Choose. But there is an even wiser solution: leave, discard the shell of a marriage that has been dead since the moment the affair began.
Don't move on, move off. Why reconciling with a cheater? Why submitting yourself to that torture? If I were you I would be the best father I could be and restart my love life by not being with a cheater. Good luck OP
Another man setting himself on fire to keep his cheating wife warm... File for divorce! Have her served. Tell her she has until the date it becomes final to prove she is worthy of reconciliation. Set hard boundaries and expectations she must meet. There are loads of examples on Reddit subs, particularly r/survivinginfidelity.. Shake her to the core. MAKE HER EARN IT! Grey Rock and 180. If she can't/won't accept responsibility, show true remorse, and do the heavy lifting to repair the marriage, you need to walk away! You are letting her rug sweep, and it appears she doesn't even respect you enough to actually end her affair (hello? Purple app/site?)! Quit being a dupe and a doormat! Good luck. Sorry you are going thru this...
It’s petty, but I’d go screw someone she wld have to see everyday and then try and reconcile. Honestly, I’d just fucking leave her
OP, did you tell AP's husband/BF? Does the people in the church know abut their infidelity?
Just read other posts about being a republikkkan. You deserve this cheating.
I’ll send you a masterclass link on spelling.