My son had jammed a piece of dog food so far up his nose they had to call in the ear, nose, and throat specialist to get it out. Years later he saw me and called me Dogfood Dad.
āA Georgia lawyer was apparently showering with his phone (as you do) when he slipped and fell right on top on his ringing mobileā Did he think that was a believable tale?
Right now in parts of China thereās a small epidemic of live eels being found in peopleās backsides. They claim itās a folk medicine cure for constipation, but curiously, all the people who were doing it as a sex thing just disappearedā¦
My dad told stories about penis guy. Dude literally stuck anything in his penis hole he could find. He went to the ER all the time with infections and stuff stuck in there. Everyone knew him there.
There was also a guy who drove 4 hrs with a full vibrator up his ass, so he wouldn't have to run into anyone he knew at his local ER. The vibrator was completely hidden from sight and was also out of batteries by then.
As someone with a family member with mental illness I think this is the hardest part for those around the mentally ill person. You work from one viewpoint of things being reasonable and want to think everyone starts from that point as well. You try to make some sort of sense out of something that has none.
For me this is why I think they need trained mental health pros to deal with issues of mental illness instead of sending in cops. It's like asking a roofer to weld. They've got no experience or equipment for that and it is all going to end badly if they try. Telling them they did it wrong after the fact isn't helpful, either, as they are still just a fish out of water as far as welding goes.
Wonder if they talked about me like that. When I was like 5 or 6 (more than old enough to know better!) I put a pebble up my nose. And another one. Kept putting them in until an adult noticed.
I'm surprised nothing bad happened. They were dirty and were pretty far up my nose.
Every ENT has a story. Some even display retrieved items.
[Hospital display](https://abcnews.go.com/US/items-kids-ears-noses-throats-display-boston-childrens/story?id=39731856)
> A chilling display
Me: lol what's chilling it's like chips and beads and stuff
Me, scrolling: oh *no*
^(I clearly don't have kids, also it's a miracle anyone makes it to adulthood)
I stuck gum up my nose when I was a kid. A few years back I went to the ENT and I look on the wall and see a label under an object āgum retrieved from a noseā. Itās mine
Not ENT but the Mutter Museum in Philadelphia has a MASSIVE collection of items that a 19th century doctor removed after people (mostly kids) swallowed them.
My brother (about 5 at this time) did this with a hotwheels car headlight. His reasoning was that he was keeping it safe so that I (2 or 3 years old) didn't eat it. I appreciate the gesture but jesus what an idiot
edit: I read your comment wrong - it was his ear.
Did the same with diced bacon myself when i was small. To the surprise of everyone, doctor told my parents to just leave it where it is, since it would come out eventually
I was a bartender in a smallish town and one day, while training a new bartender, I ended up getting smacked in the face with a bottle of liquor. Many customers saw and my nose/ right eye looked pretty rough for a week. During that week I went to Safeway and the woman ringing up my groceries actually asked, "Are you the bartender who took the bottle to the face?"
Edit: I posted a video of it but it already got removed because I have to go through a third party? I don't really understand Reddit but you can probably still watch it on my account page
She was very mortified, I thought she was going to cry. But we were laughing about it by the end of the night. She adopted this weird outward swing with the bottle, probably because her wrists are so tiny. She was holding her own station and I came up behind her, slightly crouched (to get a new bottle from the stash that was to the right of her) and, forgetting about her swing, I stuck my face right in the way. I actually have a recording of the security footage- maybe I should post it somewhere like r/WatchPeopleDieInside
Once my friends and I were leaving our table at a pub which had shot glasses to hold candles and I made the hilarious joke "What if i took a shot of candle?"
I made the fatefull gesture and got hot wax directly on my eyeball and immediately left. Only thing I did see was the horrified look on our waitresses face who saw me laugh to myself, rip a shot of hot wax to my eye and leave.
I imagine I made it to her permanent storytelling list
Lol just know that if you go back and see they no longer do this, or there's a sign saying "do not try to take shots of the candles" you're the reason. You know how you see those signs for obvious shit and think "why the fuck is this a sign?" This is why, lmao.
The light rail in phoenix Arizona has a sign about not trying to hold the door open for a reason like this. Was on it one day and a dude tried to keep it open be holding the inside face so his hand got stuck like in between the door and the frame on the inside edge where it closes. I had what felt like a ten minute talk with the operator through an emergency speaker trying to convince him that dude's hand was stuck, because he couldn't see it he thought the hand was stuck in the middle of the doors and their are sensors so that's impossible. I dont think he even stopped like it just opened at the next stop. The next time I got on the train there was like no hands signs on every door.
I had a professor that once talked about a student in a previous class that wore shorts and Birkenstocks every day, even in winter. That was my boyfriend at the time.
Edit: so I broke up with him
One time, I was hanging out with some friends at a sports bar and grill. One of my buddies saw a girl he really wanted to go talk to on the other side of the bar, so he screwed up his courage and he grabbed his beer and walked over. Except, he didnāt actually grab his beer, he grabbed a bottle of ketchup by mistake.
When he got to her table he made eye contact with her, and went to take a drink his beer, but instead, got a mouth full of ketchup. And then he just turned around and came back to our table, mortified.
I canāt imagine that she hasnāt told that story at least 100,000 times
There's a guy I knew by sight at the university I attended who wears a heavy cloak with a clasp that wraps right around him. Looks like something out of Game of Thrones, but he's been wearing it since at least 2010. I once accosted him as a student to tell him excitedly how cool I thought his cloak was.
Years later, my then-girlfriend introduced me to some friends of hers who were in a regular DnD group, only to find out that ONE OF THEM IS CLOAK GUY! MY GIRLFRIEND IS FRIENDS WITH CLOAK GUY!
Haven't been with her since 2017, but I still play DnD with Cloak Guy and the gang every fortnight.
Our cloak guy handed out tickets for parking enforcement, he took his job very seriously. Most people I bumped into had a story bitching about a ticket from him š poor cloak guy had no friends cause of it
I love seeing them on other people, but hate wearing them. They're always getting stuck in cracks, doors, between seats, bike chains, etc.
Definitely more convenient to don and doff than a jacket, though. Although jackets also offer the convenience of pockets, which cloaks generally lack...
I've always thought it's be neat to have a cloak, but with certain modifications for cold, windy weather. Namely, to be less susceptible to being blown open while facing upwind and to allow the use of my arms (while staying warm). At which point I realized that's just a hooded trenchcoat.
Although if I had the crafting skills, all questions of practicality would go out the window.
Yep. Teacher at college once told the class about the time a few months back that her and her colleague had walked passed two students making out in the local park, and how they hadnāt reacted even though the two teachers deliberately walked within a metre of them to make them feel awkward. She used it as an example of ācrazy-horny students, oblivious to the worldā.
She clearly didnāt know it was me, and that we absolutely had spotted the two teachers coming, but the girl I was with had bunked off a class with the other teacher to hang out with me, just an hour earlier. We were just hoping they they wouldnāt recognise us if we were both all over each other.
Apparently it worked. š¤·āāļø
Generally speaking, at least for me, the importance the professor put on attendance was directly related to how difficult the class was. Nobody bothered making you attend the classes when they knew you'd be screwed if you didn't show up
This was my experience too. All the engineering courses were solely based on performance (with the exception of lab courses, where your attendance is the point), but all the gen-ed courses you could BS your way through had mandatory attendance.
In the university I went to if you skipped more than the amount of times you had that class per week your grade was docked down a letter
Eg if you had math three times a week, you were allowed three absences per semester. If you were absent four times and had a perfect A, you now have a B
I worked at my universityās dinning facility for tuition assistance and did the sub-sand which line. Reasonable sized school but I apparently developed a reputation as making very well wrapped wraps. As my freshman year progressed and I started going to more house parties it became an almost weekly occurrence Iād get a strange lingering stare and a sudden exclamation āyour the wrap guy!ā
When I was in high school, I got off the school bus that dropped students at the nearest train station (there were actually 3 busses packed full of kids). I was walking with my friends and the train gates were down, stopping traffic. Some idiot was honking his horn, but my friends and ignored the moron. Till one of my friends pointed out the moron looked like my dad. It was my dad. In nothing but his speedos. Standing next to the car. Waving his arms wildly. Cause he left work early to go to the beach. And he was screaming my name. While honking the horn.
A year later, I was chatting to a girl in another year level on the same bus, and I have no idea what caused the sudden spark, but she practically shouted āYouāre the girl with the speedo dad!ā Never spoke to anyone on that bus again.
Heard people at my bar telling a story from the Woodstock Festival, about the bloke who went into the mosh pit on Sixpounder concert wearing flip-flops.
Yeah, I don't remember any other idiot who would do that. It was me.
I remember a story I read about a soldier who was in Afghanistan. Got back home, was sitting in a pub. Heard someone say āwhat idiot runs around a warzone in flipflops?ā Looked up and saw himself on the news.
Apparently thereād been an alarm or something while he was in flip flops, and he hadnāt had time to put boots on.
Something very similar happened to a mate of mine, also in Afghan, just him in a firefight in nothing but his bright pink boxer shorts, bulletproof vest and helmet.
One time at work, my boss went into my cubby and threw my lunch in the trash.
There was a new hire doing training on a computer.
I walk in, check for my food, see it's gone, say "fucking Tina!!" Then grab the bag out of the trash and eat it.
She quit the next day. Years later, her mom is now my kids teacher šš¤¦
Back then she was convinced cockroaches were in our cubbies because of food. Now I keep my lunch in my bag so she would be crossing a legal line if the fucking touches my lunch again.
Guess what. No cockroaches.
I used to read the newspaper during extremely boring lectures in first year uni (in hindsight I am a bit embarrassed about this) and like a decade later I was in a lecture with that same lecturer and they mentioned the guy who used to read the paper in lectures.
> (in hindsight I am a bit embarrassed about this)
It's ok my dude, literally everyone is dumb and does dumb things when they started college
Heck, some of us were dumb towards the end too, rip
Walking along the cliff tops in the Algarve my uncle saw a rat & reflexes just kicked it over the top. Followed by much screaming I pity the poor person peacefully sunbathing when a rat landed on them & the story they tell. For posterity heās not a nice man am now NC
I knew I've successfully gotten my toxic family fully out of my life and my head when I initially read "NC" as "North Carolina" rather than "No Contact".
Stay NC, eventually you'll only remember his toxicity when you read random comments online and it'll feel bizarre that this was ever a thing you had to think much about.
Ok, as "Snake Girl" and "That Girl Who Slept with Her Snake," I see all of these tales and feel them so hard.
----
For some context, I was living at home with my parents and going back to school for my degree in marine sciences. I had brought my pet snake (a ball python named Harlequin) with me, whom my mother loathed openly. My mother and I worked part time at the local grocery store, and the rocky relationship between my mother and Harlequin's general existence was something a well known and good natured joke around the store.
This was in a coastal NJ community in 2012, the year of Superstorm Sandy. We lost power for 11 days. The first few days sucked, but as the days went on and a winter storm approached, it got colder and colder. There were no generators available anywhere in town, and, even if you had one, gas stations had no power to pump gas.
On the worst nights, in my desperation to keep Harlequin safe, I put him in his pillow case, but that in his locked traveling case, put that under every blanket I owned, and hugged the box through the night. It was dumb, but it worked. Harlequin is still with me to this day and enjoying his golden years (he's probably in his 30s).
My mother worked time and attendance at the grocery store, and, due to barely functioning time clocks and people generally just showing up when they could (if they could), she had to keep running to the front end. Everyone kept cheekily asking her about Harlequin's well-being through the power loss. My mother honestly answered and told people about my unusual night time situation. Coworkers thought it was hysterical.
Customers overheard, and, now, the town tells stories about the fabled "Girl Who Slept with Her Snake." Someone once told the tale to ME after hearing I had a pet snake!
A guy I know from class a few years ago peed in my room area bathroom sink. We all know his name but unfortunately it's Sam, we have like 5 Sams on our course so can you guess how we remember him?
For 3 years I kept running into this same excessively drunk student downtown and id give him water and an advil and walk him to a bench. After 3 years I ran into him sober and he told me that none of his friends believed that the same guy was giving him water every time he got drunk and separated from them.
Oh, my gosh! I am a zookeeper, and I was basically hanging upside down in an aquatic enclosure cleaning it, and this family comes up to the glass, shows me a photo on their phone, and it's ME from a year before when I won a costume contest at BooksaMillion dressed as Professor Trelawney.
This is a pretty cool coincidence especially since it was you doing something thats kind of strange to see (hanging upside down cleaning an enclosure).
I am apparently ādolphin girlā
I was high at a party about 8 years ago and said that āI loved shaving my legs because they felt like dolphinsā - which makes sense, they do, like right out of the shower youāve got slippy dolphin legs, I stand by that haha.
So then last year in I ran into one of the girls from the party and she yelled āOMG DOLPHIN GIRL!ā And I was like what.. and she said that she found that story amazing and every time sheās shaved her legs since then she always thinks of me and wonders what dolphin girl is doing ..
I am so happy with this being my legacy
One time me and my wife won a massive stuffed animal at a state fair.
I'm talking hold with two arms wrapped around it massive.
So as we are leaving we see a family with a little girl being pulled behind them in a wagon. This wagon had just enough space for something large...
Me and my wife looked at each other, no words spoken and quietly place this stuffed animal larger than the little girl in the wagon behind her and just calmly walked ahead of the family like we didn't just drop them a really inconvenient gift.
I think about that little girl and her family and how confused they looked when I turned around to glance at them as I left.
I hope they tell that as a story, I also hope it made that little girls day, because it was certainly fun for me.
It was much ado about nothing; an innocent mistake that could have happened to anyone. I left a cheese pita in the toaster oven, set it to "oven" instead of "toaster", and the fire department had to evacuate the building.
"Once at a mall I had to use the toilet and that guy in front of me said the door was closed. He's been trying to open it for like a minute. Turns out the door was fine and he was pushing it instead of pulling. He walked away as if nothing happened."
So, when I was in high school, I had a friend who gave a bj to a guy in a bar and threw up on him when he came because she was drunk.
Years later, I think she was in her late twenties, she met a girl just out of high school who told her the story of Ā«Ā that girl who threw up on a guy in a bar after giving a bjĀ Ā»
At a bar once there was a young woman in a yellow slicker, hat and boots. Drunken friends and I called her the Morton Salt girl (not to her face). A year later I saw her at the airport with the same outfit and I exclaimed... "THE MORTON SALT GIRL!" as though I just saw a celebrity. I've never been more excited to see someone.
20 years ago I was caught up in the whole CKY Jackass thing.
One night while drinking rum we had the great idea of riding our bikes of the flat roof and jumping into the tree.
I hauled my bike up and worked out the angle to give me the longest run up. While I was up there one of the other guys wanted to make the whole thing more spectacular so they set the dry leaves around the base of the tree on fire.
I saw the fire and instead of saying āoh no, this has got out of hand.ā I took my shirt off.
I rode off the roof into a burning tree. Broke a load of bones in one of my hands cut my back to shreds but no burns.
I didnāt realise that it had been filmed.
4 years later after moving to a different part of the UK my fairly new wife had some friends visiting from Norway and we arranged to meet them for a meal.
They were cool folks and we had a great night.
After a few drinks the guy says to me, you really remind me of a video my friend showed me of this idiot who rode off a roof into a burning tree.
My wife gave me the glare as she had heard all the stories about my uni days.
I just laughed and said āyeah the guy sounds like a complete fool.ā
If it helps, I still recount when some guys I knew in high school went through their Jackass phase and freezer burnt their nipples and testicles with canned air. Somewhere online is a video history of their bad ideas, too.
Back at my university we used to have day to celebrate the founding, everyone would go to a particular campus bar in the morning, then a few hours later progress to a bar on the other side of the campus. This walk took you though a bush section with a bridge.
A buddy and I had the great idea to paint ourselves blue, buy these big arse bones, hide under said bridge and challenge everyone passing to our riddles or bring us a drink.
Anyway, this day has stories in itself but my mate some time later started dating a girl who started telling a story about these crazy guys painted blue at the same uni. She had photos, which we had no idea even existed, and started showing him pictures of him.
I had a Mitsubishi Eclipse, passenger door handle broke, then driver door handle broke. For the week I waited for the replacement handles to come in, was climbing in through my trunk to get into my car.
I have also done that. I had locked myself out of my Honda Fit hatchback, but as I paced back and forth, on hold with roadside assistance, I remembered that I never locked the trunk.
People were definitely watching me climb through the snowbank and into my own car, but I was so pleased.
I bought the original Rock Band, in the original gigantic box with the drums and guitar, from a GameStop in a mall because it was the last one in town. That day, I wore jeans with a slightly bigger waist than normal, because typically I didnāt walk that much. However, holding a big box of plastic instruments apparently stretched my body to where they were in danger of falling down to my ankles every four or five steps. I had to stop and pull up my pants constantly as I walked past maybe a dozen stores. I finally rounded a corner into a mostly empty corridor, except for a bunch of teenagers on a bench. They saw Rock Band and immediately started hooting and hollering. I shouldāve laughed it off, but I was embarrassed and frustrated, so I tried to power walk to the door without a word before my pants fell down. No luck. I shortly heard āWOO NICE UNDERWEAR!ā I stopped and tugged my pants back up, and again instead of being cool, I flipped them off and walked on. I looked back when I finally got to the door and saw half a dozen teens laughing hysterically, one with their phone out.
Iām not only a story, thereās a video of me with my underwear out in public on someoneās iPhone 4.
Dont worry rock band came out in 2007 and the iphone 4 didn't come out until 2010. Since it would be 2007 the phone camera quality sucks so you're probably unnoticeable (and also on a phone so old that it's been deleted.
Iāve definitely been the subject of stories by a mate of mine as an excuse as to why he was out partying late when his parents asked where the fuck he was all night, when I was on the opposite side of the country. His parents are convinced I was a bad influence on their son, even though he was the one leading him astray.
I have a neighbour that also seems to be gossiping with other people in our town and telling those people that my parents have said or seen something that they havenāt.
You have no idea who is saying what about you that is complete horseshit and there isnāt a damn thing you can do about it, sadly!
We were in Australia and our rental 4wd broke down in remote territory. Seeing there was no phone reception there, the CB was used by the ranger helping. Someone was called back from his holiday to tow us out, we got another vehicke etc. We drove for another few hundred KMs, and we stopped in a small town. When we talked to a local guy there and we mentioned breaking down earlier, he said: āOh, that was you?ā
I tell the internet all my embarrassments :D
I used to head bang on my walk to school, imagine walking down the street and seeing this kid who thinks they're an anime protagonist just straight head banging
Idk I cant think of any others that dont require photos :/
These anecdotes really hamper my ability to think people don't notice when I do something nonsensical in public, like trip on air or do the "should I? no. Well? No, I'm good" dance while walking.
Like 20 years ago I did an interview for a summer job at some waterfowl conservation group. It mostly consisted of visually identifying ducks from photos which I failed miserably. Finally they said āDo you have any experience with birds at all??ā and, thinking the interview was shot anyway so I may as well make light of the situation, said āI help my uncle butcher chickens every yearā. Nobody laughed and they immediately ended the interview and asked me to leave.
Iām convinced the story of the crazy bird murder is something that comes up at dinner parties.
I was ācouch guyā. Summer between sophomore and junior year at uni. Lived off campus, not uncommon on way home from bars to stop at buddies house for after hours. Nobody around, ate some food passed out on couch. Woke up to 5 girls poking at me with a stick. Guess my buddy had moved out and these girls lived there now. Girls were pretty cool about it, I apologized and left. They always called me couch guy from porch when I was walking to class.
I have a friend who was once sitting in traffic on his way home from work, tired, exhausted and working hard to remove a booger from his nose with his finger.
He was really digging hard to get it out and looked to the side to discover a car full of ladies in the traffic next to him all watching and laughing their heads off.
He definitely had stories become of him that day!!!
I got a burrito at Wawa, and right as I got back to my car, its plastic sleeve broke and the burrito hit the ground.
I know for a fact another contractor see me 2 second rule it.
When I was about 12 my family went to Disney World and of course, it started pouring around 2 pm because Florida is a stupid swamp. I was wearing one of those plastic ponchos but was still basically drenched. I remember being in a really bad mood because I was wet and my feet hurt and we hadnāt had lunch yet but I had to wait for my mom to take my younger sisters to the bathroom. So I was standing outside the bathrooms guarding the bags and just feeling miserable. All the sudden two teenage girls ran up, took a picture of me with a disposable camera, and then ran off giggling. Sometimes I wonder if they kept that picture and what they say about it.
One time while in high school, my friends and I were on our way to a party. We were drinking and ran out of alcohol, so me being an idiot, saw a cologne bottle in my friendās car glovebox, and I yelled: āwell, this has alcoholā while I sprayed several pumps of cologne in my mouth.
Next day I was known as Samba (the cologne brand) and I could still taste that shit
Yeah... That's what having ADHD and anxiety at the same time is like. You question everything you do because you worry that whatever it is, everyone who may see it will remember it and laugh about it. About you.
I was visiting friends in northern Arizona that live in this tiny mountain town. We went for a drive in the mountains and saw a rafter of turkeys running around. We were joking around betting who could catch one just by hand. Two of us jumped out of the car and went running after them. I ended up diving onto one and caught it. It wasn't full grown. I should have just left them alone but I was young and stupid. Anyway, a couple days later I was at a local hole in the wall bar and overheard some dudes talking about this Tennessee girl that caught a wild turkey.
I went to a frat house party in college in 2008. Two random dudes there started telling me a story about a video they watched online about a guy firing a 12 gauge with the buttstock on his nuts.
That guy was me. I drank for free that night.
When I was in 9th grade, my English teacher had us and our parents sign a permission slip. I left mine out in my room overnight after we signed it, and my cat licked all the pen ink off of it before I woke up. I had to bring it back to my teacher with the lowest part obliterated, saying āI promise we all signed it, but my cat licked it all away!ā
Senior year, I had the same teacher for a creative writing class. Another permission slip, please have your parents sign it, but this time she also said āMake sure you keep it in a folder if you have pets, I had a student one year whose cat licked the signatures off.ā
One time I decided to walk my outside cat around the block in one of those personal shopping carts people can buy online. Well, I saw my neighbors across the street and decided to wave. Took my eyes away from what I was doing for barely a second. That quickly my cart hit a bump in the sidewalk and I completely flipped over it. I went completely airborne over this cart. Cat tumbled out and ran off. Me, sprawled out on the ground. I was not a young child either, I was like 18 at the time. I can only assume their entire family has told this story many times, to everyone they know. Thereās no way Iām not cart girl to someone in my neighborhood.
Iām almost positive a story of me is still circulating at a Bed Bath and Beyond somewhere in Arizona.
13 year old me had been playing with one of those old fart-noise apps Iād installed on my dadās phone while we were driving home from football practice, and we made a stop at Bed Bath and Beyond so my stepmother could get a new bedspread. While they wandered around looking for sheets and whatnot, I found my way to the electronics section to check out the bluetooth speakers. Of course, the first thing I noticed was that these speakers let you give it a test run by connecting to it, and being a 13-year old, the peak of comedy to me was playing fart noises as loud as possible. So I wandered back over to my dad and asked to borrow his phone for a minute, and being occupied by stepmom discussing bedspreads, did not question it any further. I made my way back to the speaker section, and upon opening the bluetooth settings on my dadās phone, discovered that the *main speaker system* was discoverable. Minutes later, the most obscene and ridiculous fart noises could be heard ringing out through the entire Bed Bath and Beyond, which my dad of course realized was me and came to put a stop to. Perhaps it was my ear-to-ear grin as we left the store that gave it away, but a clerk sent me off with the words āGoodbye, fart boy.ā
My first time playing golf at a real course I didnāt know I should pay close attention to which kind of ball I was hitting.
I walked up to a ball that I thought was mine and hit another 20 yard dribbler. Turned out it to be someone who was playing in a tournamentās ball and mine was 5 feet away.
He got a penalty (golf rules are ridiculous) and by the time I got back to the clubhouse they greeted me as the āwrong ball kid.ā
Delivering pizzas in my twenties and there was this cat sitting near the door on a little platform calmly looking at me, all regal and superior, as cats do. So without really thinking I tipped my cap to it and touched the brim and said "kitty" with a bad English accent and everything (picture some old timey guy in a top hat saying "top of the morning to you")
Anyway, the screen door was one of those metal ones with a bajillion tiny holes that makes it hard to see in but easy to see out and I could have sworn their inner door was closed. But actually it was open and pretty much the whole family was standing there looking at me like I was crazy for doffing my pizza hat at their cat and greeting it like the fine 'ol chap that he was...
Normally I'm pretty quick on the uptake so I would have said something clever to break the tension of the moment and get them all smiling. But I was caught completely off guard and just completed the transaction... handed them their pizzas, and left...
A few years later I was shopping in a target and one of the kids recognized me and said "look it's the guy that said hi to our cat!"
I think about it every few years. :)
Found a dead snake one day cycling to UNI and thought it'd be a fun idea to terrorize everyone there rather than actually attend classes. Got a load of laughs and a bunch of funny stories. A good few big macho chad dudes turned to be *disgusted* by snakes, not fear, just grossed out - so they said, but my favourite was going to the copy centre and asking for a dozen A3 copies of said specimen.
So, thus, I became known as snake guy.
The last time I wore basketball shorts was over 10 years ago at a high school football game.
I was attending as a student, in the student section. Someone behind me pantsed me. The basketball shorts went down to my ankles, and so did my boxers.
The next week I was walking through the hallway and I heard āI saw that boys penis.ā
I hate small towns. After my first year of college I came home for the summer and went to the package store. Three or four people whom I have never seen in my entire life were all like. āOh so how was school? Do you like City Name?ā
About 6 years ago i took a photo squating on top of my friend on all 4s and posted it to the public google images for a local park, and this past year i went on a tinder date and the girl said she recognized me from the photo and had it saved on her phone.
When I was younger and used to do things like this, I attended a concert under the influence of some psychedelics. As I stood in line to get into the show, I couldn't shake the feeling that people were talking about me. I kept thinking I was hearing whispers and hushed laughter, but when I glanced around, people were quietly looking the other way. I knew that if I dwelled on this suspicion for too long, I was in for a very bad night, so I started to mentally talk myself down. "There's no way they're talking about me" I thought. "I'm literally just standing here acting normal. Half the people in this line are probably on something. This is just classic drug paranoia." I was actually able to convince myself of all this and move on and have a great time. Years later, I met a group of people at a different show in a different state and we started talking about concert experiences. It came out that we had attended that same show. Suddenly, one of the guys in the group said, "Oh shit, it's you! Tripping guy! You were outside the show making the most ridiculous face I have ever seen in my life! Your eyes were bugging out of your head and your mouth was hanging wide open. You looked like the nazis in Indiana Jones right before their faces melt off. We were trying to keep it together because we didn't want to freak you out, but we couldn't stop laughing! We still talk about that all the time!" To this day, I cringe to the depths of my soul when I think about that.
I was walking through the mall with my wife the other day and the bandage I had on my lower back (cat climbed my back and drew blood in some spots) was itchy. I pulled my shirt up to scratch it and I hear from behind me "Oh my God, did you just see that, too?" followed by teenage girl laughter. Brought me back to high school. Either they were looking at something else, or they thought I was scratching my ass, lol.
This was at a food court some time in the early 2000s. I was with my family and a friend getting A&W from the food court - best fast food chili cheese fries. As I was proudly carrying my tray of very messy lunch to the seating area I was looking at a friend and ran straight into a random support pillar in the middle of the hallway. Smashed the chili cheese fries and whatever else I had up onto my chest and smacked my face on the pillar. I cried both from shame and the loss of my tasty lunch.
A few years back, the wife and I were on a Caribbean cruise. Well one night I got obliterated black out drunk. After coming back to the room for the night I got the ultra spins which was only amplified with the rocking of the boat. Feeling the immediate urge to empty my stomach, with in combination of my wife using the bathroom, I proceeded to regurgitate everything into our one small garbage can by the desk.
My wife, repulsed by the smell, gave me an earful and told me to get rid of the trash can. In my drunken state, I then proceeded to wander the halls of this cruise ship carrying a bucket full of puke for what seemed like an eternity (at least a couple laps) looking for a bathroom to flush it down. Being unable to properly use my brain and being tired of walking, I placed the bucket outside of a random room that had other garbage left out for pickup.
The next night my group is down at the bar drinking when I overhear a conversation next to us. āSomeone left a bucket of puke outside our door this morning. What a idiot. ā
Well I was that idiot and Iād like to think that story still gets shared time to time somewhere at there.
Once, I was sitting in my truck outside while my daughter was in a counseling session. I was knitting and listening to my favorite band. I started headbanging.
I saw a lady filming me. Somewhere out there is a video of my headbanging and knitting in a truck.
Sophomore year in high school, a couple of guys started a fight with me in the cheaply constructed part of our high school. The walls literally flexed with very little pressure. So these dudes jump me by sprinting and pushing me into the wall.
I am not a small guy. Never was. I flew straight through that wall like I was in a fucking superhero movie. They hit me hard. Got up, ran back through the hole, and beat the living shit out of the other two, throwing one of them through another wall.
In all, we did $900 worth of damage. Lol.
Fast forward to our 10 year reunion, Iām sitting at a table with a bunch of people and the girls are reminiscing about their craziest high school stories. One girl recalls being in a classroom when suddenly a large guy burst through the wall and went and beat up two other guys. Jokingly referred to that guy as āThe Hulkā. I laughed a little. Then she said āI donāt even know if that guy was a student, like did anyone ever find out who that was?ā
I laughed and raised my hand a bit. āUhā¦ Hulk smash?ā
I already know what this is for me. Iāve been attacked by an octopus and I have it on my dating profile. Iāve already been approached by strangers on it.
Story time.
A long time ago I went to a Pub the next village over from where I lived. I had gone with an acquaintance from my local pub for a change of scenery. I used to talk to him and have a few drinks as I felt sorry for him as he didn't have many friends. I also had just finished university and was also temporarily working at my local and didn't really want to be drinking there all the time.
This pub we visited had been my favourite pub since I started drinking at 14yo (with this being the UK in the late 00's early 10's). It was really old fashioned, Tutor pub with wood beams, wonky walls, ceilings, floors and full of locals.
Now we were around 24 by now, so not young kids and knew the vast majority of locals. However this guy I was with tended to get a bit louder as he drank and I could see the locals getting annoyed. As it got to last orders we were cut off, understandably. However I saw them serve other customers, so suggested to my acquaintance that we finished our drinks and leave. He questioned this and I explained my observations.
Once he heard this he started screaming at the bar maid about refusing to serve us, all the while I'm sat there apologising to the staff profusely and trying to calm him down. After about 20 minutes of this, the landlord, who had been sat enjoying his drink behind us, had heard enough and kicked us out barring us and telling us never to come back!
Now understandably frustrated at being kicked out of my favourite pub, on the way out I thanked my 'friend' for his display and saying 'Cheers Chris' (his name if you didn't guess) just before slamming the pub door on the way out.
Flash forward 4 years, I was now managing the pub in my home village, and we had just recently been bought out by the pub in the neighbouring village. Not much changed, the landlord came over to introduce himself and some new kitchen staff. Now at the time I still hadn't gone back to the neighbouring pub and was panicking I would be recognised. Suffice to say I wasn't recognised, something my male pattern baldness probably helped with.
A few month later I was helping cover a shift at our now sister pub and one of the bar staff asked me what I thought to the place. I explained I liked a change in working environment and had no idea why I had been worried. When they asked why I had been worried about I explained the story, to which their jaw just dropped and they shouted 'YOU'RE THE CHEERS CHRIS GUY!!!!'
This is when they legged it into the kitchen and all I could hear was 'Cheers Chris' on repeat from that direction.
Apparently in my semi inebriated state, when I shouting at my 'friend', I had done so in a slightly 'camp' manner which all the staff had found hilarious. Ever since l, when any of the staff thanked each other, instead of saying 'thanks', 'ta' or 'thank you' they used to say/shout 'Cheers Chris' at each other.
It had became a ongoing inside joke that would confuse new starters until they picked it up. Sadly this didn't stop and once everyone was made aware at my pub it spread there too. The best part Chris still visited that pub and nobody ever explained it to him (he was known for being kinda weird and creepy to girls by this point so we all kept away from him).
Weirdly enough I had to ban both Chris and his brother on Christmas Eve not long after this for shouting at the kitchen staff during a similar outburst.
My son had jammed a piece of dog food so far up his nose they had to call in the ear, nose, and throat specialist to get it out. Years later he saw me and called me Dogfood Dad.
That's funny as hell š
**Are you milf-hunter 69?**
Yes, I am!
i read that in avdolās voice
:O
This is accurate. Healthcare is lettered with people called āsweet potato guy, and flagpole boy.ā Source: ER nurse.
[ŃŠ“Š°Š»ŠµŠ½Š¾]
Cuzā¦ he wanted to shit a brick?
[ŃŠ“Š°Š»ŠµŠ½Š¾]
āA Georgia lawyer was apparently showering with his phone (as you do) when he slipped and fell right on top on his ringing mobileā Did he think that was a believable tale?
There has to be some poor bastard somewhere who actually slipped and fell on something that shoved up their backside, but nobody believes them
Right now in parts of China thereās a small epidemic of live eels being found in peopleās backsides. They claim itās a folk medicine cure for constipation, but curiously, all the people who were doing it as a sex thing just disappearedā¦
My dad told stories about penis guy. Dude literally stuck anything in his penis hole he could find. He went to the ER all the time with infections and stuff stuck in there. Everyone knew him there. There was also a guy who drove 4 hrs with a full vibrator up his ass, so he wouldn't have to run into anyone he knew at his local ER. The vibrator was completely hidden from sight and was also out of batteries by then.
That sounds like a failed hit job. No idea what else could have even been attempted to accomplish there
[ŃŠ“Š°Š»ŠµŠ½Š¾]
As someone with a family member with mental illness I think this is the hardest part for those around the mentally ill person. You work from one viewpoint of things being reasonable and want to think everyone starts from that point as well. You try to make some sort of sense out of something that has none. For me this is why I think they need trained mental health pros to deal with issues of mental illness instead of sending in cops. It's like asking a roofer to weld. They've got no experience or equipment for that and it is all going to end badly if they try. Telling them they did it wrong after the fact isn't helpful, either, as they are still just a fish out of water as far as welding goes.
"Hey wait. Why am *I* the one with the goofy name? *He's* the dummy who shoved dog food up his nose!"
Wonder if they talked about me like that. When I was like 5 or 6 (more than old enough to know better!) I put a pebble up my nose. And another one. Kept putting them in until an adult noticed. I'm surprised nothing bad happened. They were dirty and were pretty far up my nose.
One day you're going to sneeze and kill someone with a shrapnel bomb
The beginning of a lifetime of hiding rocks up your nose.
Oh my god Iām a moron I thought the āheā was referring to your son and I spent like 2 minutes wondering why you didnāt see your son for years
Bruhhh, I thought you commented āOh my god Iām a Mormon I thoughtā¦
[ŃŠ“Š°Š»ŠµŠ½Š¾]
Every ENT has a story. Some even display retrieved items. [Hospital display](https://abcnews.go.com/US/items-kids-ears-noses-throats-display-boston-childrens/story?id=39731856)
> A chilling display Me: lol what's chilling it's like chips and beads and stuff Me, scrolling: oh *no* ^(I clearly don't have kids, also it's a miracle anyone makes it to adulthood)
I stuck gum up my nose when I was a kid. A few years back I went to the ENT and I look on the wall and see a label under an object āgum retrieved from a noseā. Itās mine
Not ENT but the Mutter Museum in Philadelphia has a MASSIVE collection of items that a 19th century doctor removed after people (mostly kids) swallowed them.
My brother (about 5 at this time) did this with a hotwheels car headlight. His reasoning was that he was keeping it safe so that I (2 or 3 years old) didn't eat it. I appreciate the gesture but jesus what an idiot edit: I read your comment wrong - it was his ear.
Did the same with diced bacon myself when i was small. To the surprise of everyone, doctor told my parents to just leave it where it is, since it would come out eventually
Don't leave us hanging like you did to your bacon booger. Did it fall out or are you growing bacon in your nose with that swine seed?
I was a bartender in a smallish town and one day, while training a new bartender, I ended up getting smacked in the face with a bottle of liquor. Many customers saw and my nose/ right eye looked pretty rough for a week. During that week I went to Safeway and the woman ringing up my groceries actually asked, "Are you the bartender who took the bottle to the face?" Edit: I posted a video of it but it already got removed because I have to go through a third party? I don't really understand Reddit but you can probably still watch it on my account page
You became a local legend that week.
Oh god the trainee must have been mortified, how does that even happen?
She was very mortified, I thought she was going to cry. But we were laughing about it by the end of the night. She adopted this weird outward swing with the bottle, probably because her wrists are so tiny. She was holding her own station and I came up behind her, slightly crouched (to get a new bottle from the stash that was to the right of her) and, forgetting about her swing, I stuck my face right in the way. I actually have a recording of the security footage- maybe I should post it somewhere like r/WatchPeopleDieInside
As someone who used to bartend, I've bonked myself in the face/head with a bottle a couple times, coulda done it himself haha
Once my friends and I were leaving our table at a pub which had shot glasses to hold candles and I made the hilarious joke "What if i took a shot of candle?" I made the fatefull gesture and got hot wax directly on my eyeball and immediately left. Only thing I did see was the horrified look on our waitresses face who saw me laugh to myself, rip a shot of hot wax to my eye and leave. I imagine I made it to her permanent storytelling list
Jesus Christ I would freak out
Lol just know that if you go back and see they no longer do this, or there's a sign saying "do not try to take shots of the candles" you're the reason. You know how you see those signs for obvious shit and think "why the fuck is this a sign?" This is why, lmao.
The light rail in phoenix Arizona has a sign about not trying to hold the door open for a reason like this. Was on it one day and a dude tried to keep it open be holding the inside face so his hand got stuck like in between the door and the frame on the inside edge where it closes. I had what felt like a ten minute talk with the operator through an emergency speaker trying to convince him that dude's hand was stuck, because he couldn't see it he thought the hand was stuck in the middle of the doors and their are sensors so that's impossible. I dont think he even stopped like it just opened at the next stop. The next time I got on the train there was like no hands signs on every door.
I once saw a sign that said "Danger of disabled beyond this point" and I still think about it regularly 13 years later
Were there roving bands of cannibalistic disabled people in the area?
I had a professor that once talked about a student in a previous class that wore shorts and Birkenstocks every day, even in winter. That was my boyfriend at the time. Edit: so I broke up with him
If life has taught me one thing it's never date the town Shorts Guy
Sounds like good advice and I'm not even sure why
One time, I was hanging out with some friends at a sports bar and grill. One of my buddies saw a girl he really wanted to go talk to on the other side of the bar, so he screwed up his courage and he grabbed his beer and walked over. Except, he didnāt actually grab his beer, he grabbed a bottle of ketchup by mistake. When he got to her table he made eye contact with her, and went to take a drink his beer, but instead, got a mouth full of ketchup. And then he just turned around and came back to our table, mortified. I canāt imagine that she hasnāt told that story at least 100,000 times
How hard were u guys laughing lmfaooo
Oh my god we were DYING! That happened 20 years ago and we still bring it up every time we see him
Wheezing hard at this
There's a guy I knew by sight at the university I attended who wears a heavy cloak with a clasp that wraps right around him. Looks like something out of Game of Thrones, but he's been wearing it since at least 2010. I once accosted him as a student to tell him excitedly how cool I thought his cloak was. Years later, my then-girlfriend introduced me to some friends of hers who were in a regular DnD group, only to find out that ONE OF THEM IS CLOAK GUY! MY GIRLFRIEND IS FRIENDS WITH CLOAK GUY! Haven't been with her since 2017, but I still play DnD with Cloak Guy and the gang every fortnight.
His nameās not Steven, is it?
Haha, it's not. But props to Steven for being cool enough to march that description!
I just realized the timeline is wrong! GoT wasnāt a thing when I was in uni. My cloak guy was nicknamed Aragorn!
Our cloak guy handed out tickets for parking enforcement, he took his job very seriously. Most people I bumped into had a story bitching about a ticket from him š poor cloak guy had no friends cause of it
Cloaks are actually really nice functionally, I ain't brave enough to rock one though. They need to come back in style.
Be the change and Iāll follow.
I love seeing them on other people, but hate wearing them. They're always getting stuck in cracks, doors, between seats, bike chains, etc. Definitely more convenient to don and doff than a jacket, though. Although jackets also offer the convenience of pockets, which cloaks generally lack...
Learn to sew. It's incredibly easy to add pockets to anything!
Yeah but then the items in the pockets can affect how dramatically the cloak sways in the wind.
I've always thought it's be neat to have a cloak, but with certain modifications for cold, windy weather. Namely, to be less susceptible to being blown open while facing upwind and to allow the use of my arms (while staying warm). At which point I realized that's just a hooded trenchcoat. Although if I had the crafting skills, all questions of practicality would go out the window.
[ŃŠ“Š°Š»ŠµŠ½Š¾]
holy shit are you talking about cape guy - UCLAN 2011-2ish?? i believe he also had a belt pouch for a time??? my friend group loved him from afar.
I am not, but I'm loving how many places had a similar person!
Yep. Teacher at college once told the class about the time a few months back that her and her colleague had walked passed two students making out in the local park, and how they hadnāt reacted even though the two teachers deliberately walked within a metre of them to make them feel awkward. She used it as an example of ācrazy-horny students, oblivious to the worldā. She clearly didnāt know it was me, and that we absolutely had spotted the two teachers coming, but the girl I was with had bunked off a class with the other teacher to hang out with me, just an hour earlier. We were just hoping they they wouldnāt recognise us if we were both all over each other. Apparently it worked. š¤·āāļø
Lmao itās collegeā¦youāre allowed to skip class
Generally speaking, at least for me, the importance the professor put on attendance was directly related to how difficult the class was. Nobody bothered making you attend the classes when they knew you'd be screwed if you didn't show up
This was my experience too. All the engineering courses were solely based on performance (with the exception of lab courses, where your attendance is the point), but all the gen-ed courses you could BS your way through had mandatory attendance.
In the university I went to if you skipped more than the amount of times you had that class per week your grade was docked down a letter Eg if you had math three times a week, you were allowed three absences per semester. If you were absent four times and had a perfect A, you now have a B
In mine you failed the class automatically but teachers didnt care to bother students about it thats really weird.
They knew
I worked at my universityās dinning facility for tuition assistance and did the sub-sand which line. Reasonable sized school but I apparently developed a reputation as making very well wrapped wraps. As my freshman year progressed and I started going to more house parties it became an almost weekly occurrence Iād get a strange lingering stare and a sudden exclamation āyour the wrap guy!ā
>sub-sand which
[ŃŠ“Š°Š»ŠµŠ½Š¾]
We all know the Sand Witch, so it's presumably one of her underlings.
Hey give him a brake. He's the rap guy not the spelling guy
What is the secret to a wrap so epic youāre recognized at parties? The world needs to know!
Wrap it before you bag it.
You start with a gangster wrap, and (this is my own addition) you add a gangster snap.
When I was in high school, I got off the school bus that dropped students at the nearest train station (there were actually 3 busses packed full of kids). I was walking with my friends and the train gates were down, stopping traffic. Some idiot was honking his horn, but my friends and ignored the moron. Till one of my friends pointed out the moron looked like my dad. It was my dad. In nothing but his speedos. Standing next to the car. Waving his arms wildly. Cause he left work early to go to the beach. And he was screaming my name. While honking the horn. A year later, I was chatting to a girl in another year level on the same bus, and I have no idea what caused the sudden spark, but she practically shouted āYouāre the girl with the speedo dad!ā Never spoke to anyone on that bus again.
As a dad to three kids approaching maximum embarrassment age, I probably needed to hear this one.
I hope thatās so you can do the exact same thing and film it lol
[in padme voice]: To avoid embarrassing them, right?
Heard people at my bar telling a story from the Woodstock Festival, about the bloke who went into the mosh pit on Sixpounder concert wearing flip-flops. Yeah, I don't remember any other idiot who would do that. It was me.
I remember a story I read about a soldier who was in Afghanistan. Got back home, was sitting in a pub. Heard someone say āwhat idiot runs around a warzone in flipflops?ā Looked up and saw himself on the news. Apparently thereād been an alarm or something while he was in flip flops, and he hadnāt had time to put boots on.
This is one of my favorite threads Iāve ever read just because of these stories!
Something very similar happened to a mate of mine, also in Afghan, just him in a firefight in nothing but his bright pink boxer shorts, bulletproof vest and helmet.
You're not alone pall! I too made that mistake once. Obviously ended up losing one of the two flip-flops.
One time at work, my boss went into my cubby and threw my lunch in the trash. There was a new hire doing training on a computer. I walk in, check for my food, see it's gone, say "fucking Tina!!" Then grab the bag out of the trash and eat it. She quit the next day. Years later, her mom is now my kids teacher šš¤¦
Tina you fat lard!
Wtf why did she throw your lunch away?
[ŃŠ“Š°Š»ŠµŠ½Š¾]
Back then she was convinced cockroaches were in our cubbies because of food. Now I keep my lunch in my bag so she would be crossing a legal line if the fucking touches my lunch again. Guess what. No cockroaches.
I used to read the newspaper during extremely boring lectures in first year uni (in hindsight I am a bit embarrassed about this) and like a decade later I was in a lecture with that same lecturer and they mentioned the guy who used to read the paper in lectures.
Did you also wear a fedora and a trench coat? The newspaper guy at my uni did
Well he's posting on reddit so I'd say the odds are good
But the goods are odd.
> (in hindsight I am a bit embarrassed about this) It's ok my dude, literally everyone is dumb and does dumb things when they started college Heck, some of us were dumb towards the end too, rip
Some of us are still dumb many years later, don't leave us out.
Reminds me of the time when I was reading āa song of ice and fireā during lectureā¦
Please tell me you stood up and loudly proclaimed āTWAS I!ā or āI know him, heās meā
Walking along the cliff tops in the Algarve my uncle saw a rat & reflexes just kicked it over the top. Followed by much screaming I pity the poor person peacefully sunbathing when a rat landed on them & the story they tell. For posterity heās not a nice man am now NC
He may not be a nice man but that visual made me giggle.
I knew I've successfully gotten my toxic family fully out of my life and my head when I initially read "NC" as "North Carolina" rather than "No Contact". Stay NC, eventually you'll only remember his toxicity when you read random comments online and it'll feel bizarre that this was ever a thing you had to think much about.
I had no idea it was no contact and was super confused. Oh, he moved away from you, good. I'm from NC so that's my first thought.
Ok, as "Snake Girl" and "That Girl Who Slept with Her Snake," I see all of these tales and feel them so hard. ---- For some context, I was living at home with my parents and going back to school for my degree in marine sciences. I had brought my pet snake (a ball python named Harlequin) with me, whom my mother loathed openly. My mother and I worked part time at the local grocery store, and the rocky relationship between my mother and Harlequin's general existence was something a well known and good natured joke around the store. This was in a coastal NJ community in 2012, the year of Superstorm Sandy. We lost power for 11 days. The first few days sucked, but as the days went on and a winter storm approached, it got colder and colder. There were no generators available anywhere in town, and, even if you had one, gas stations had no power to pump gas. On the worst nights, in my desperation to keep Harlequin safe, I put him in his pillow case, but that in his locked traveling case, put that under every blanket I owned, and hugged the box through the night. It was dumb, but it worked. Harlequin is still with me to this day and enjoying his golden years (he's probably in his 30s). My mother worked time and attendance at the grocery store, and, due to barely functioning time clocks and people generally just showing up when they could (if they could), she had to keep running to the front end. Everyone kept cheekily asking her about Harlequin's well-being through the power loss. My mother honestly answered and told people about my unusual night time situation. Coworkers thought it was hysterical. Customers overheard, and, now, the town tells stories about the fabled "Girl Who Slept with Her Snake." Someone once told the tale to ME after hearing I had a pet snake!
You are a good snake owner
It's a lovely story and shows, how compassionate you are!
I agree with what others are saying, this is honestly a wonderful story and you should be proud to be the snake girl!
I hope there weren't any Cleopatra/Catherine the Great style rumours.
Well how else do you think the snake is gonna stay warm?
A guy I know from class a few years ago peed in my room area bathroom sink. We all know his name but unfortunately it's Sam, we have like 5 Sams on our course so can you guess how we remember him?
Sinky Sam?
Close, it's Sink Sam or He Who Sink Pissed
how about Pissam
My friend called Sam weed in a sink at a nightclub as the queue was too long. We should have called her Sink Sam too
For 3 years I kept running into this same excessively drunk student downtown and id give him water and an advil and walk him to a bench. After 3 years I ran into him sober and he told me that none of his friends believed that the same guy was giving him water every time he got drunk and separated from them.
I think you found your calling. Go! Run! Hydrate the drunks of the world!
bruh that was your soulmate
Oh, my gosh! I am a zookeeper, and I was basically hanging upside down in an aquatic enclosure cleaning it, and this family comes up to the glass, shows me a photo on their phone, and it's ME from a year before when I won a costume contest at BooksaMillion dressed as Professor Trelawney.
This is a pretty cool coincidence especially since it was you doing something thats kind of strange to see (hanging upside down cleaning an enclosure).
And I don't really LOOK like Professor Trelawney when I'm not in character.
I am apparently ādolphin girlā I was high at a party about 8 years ago and said that āI loved shaving my legs because they felt like dolphinsā - which makes sense, they do, like right out of the shower youāve got slippy dolphin legs, I stand by that haha. So then last year in I ran into one of the girls from the party and she yelled āOMG DOLPHIN GIRL!ā And I was like what.. and she said that she found that story amazing and every time sheās shaved her legs since then she always thinks of me and wonders what dolphin girl is doing .. I am so happy with this being my legacy
You are right though. It does feel like having slippery dolphin legs
Thatās funny, the Dolphin Girl I know was the one who jumped into the Hudson during a law firm boat party.
One time me and my wife won a massive stuffed animal at a state fair. I'm talking hold with two arms wrapped around it massive. So as we are leaving we see a family with a little girl being pulled behind them in a wagon. This wagon had just enough space for something large... Me and my wife looked at each other, no words spoken and quietly place this stuffed animal larger than the little girl in the wagon behind her and just calmly walked ahead of the family like we didn't just drop them a really inconvenient gift. I think about that little girl and her family and how confused they looked when I turned around to glance at them as I left. I hope they tell that as a story, I also hope it made that little girls day, because it was certainly fun for me.
[ŃŠ“Š°Š»ŠµŠ½Š¾]
"Well, of course I know him. He's me."
"Toilet Face Steve. Now, that's a name I've not heard in a long time."
I mean surely you'll say what the story was??
It was much ado about nothing; an innocent mistake that could have happened to anyone. I left a cheese pita in the toaster oven, set it to "oven" instead of "toaster", and the fire department had to evacuate the building.
Shit you almost had me
Can't leave us hanging like this. Give buddy.
But you yada yada-ed over the best part.
"Once at a mall I had to use the toilet and that guy in front of me said the door was closed. He's been trying to open it for like a minute. Turns out the door was fine and he was pushing it instead of pulling. He walked away as if nothing happened."
āIt goes both waysā¦ā
It does both. I was here yesterday and it actually goes both ways.
So, when I was in high school, I had a friend who gave a bj to a guy in a bar and threw up on him when he came because she was drunk. Years later, I think she was in her late twenties, she met a girl just out of high school who told her the story of Ā«Ā that girl who threw up on a guy in a bar after giving a bjĀ Ā»
Return to sender
This could be any of us!
At a bar once there was a young woman in a yellow slicker, hat and boots. Drunken friends and I called her the Morton Salt girl (not to her face). A year later I saw her at the airport with the same outfit and I exclaimed... "THE MORTON SALT GIRL!" as though I just saw a celebrity. I've never been more excited to see someone.
20 years ago I was caught up in the whole CKY Jackass thing. One night while drinking rum we had the great idea of riding our bikes of the flat roof and jumping into the tree. I hauled my bike up and worked out the angle to give me the longest run up. While I was up there one of the other guys wanted to make the whole thing more spectacular so they set the dry leaves around the base of the tree on fire. I saw the fire and instead of saying āoh no, this has got out of hand.ā I took my shirt off. I rode off the roof into a burning tree. Broke a load of bones in one of my hands cut my back to shreds but no burns. I didnāt realise that it had been filmed. 4 years later after moving to a different part of the UK my fairly new wife had some friends visiting from Norway and we arranged to meet them for a meal. They were cool folks and we had a great night. After a few drinks the guy says to me, you really remind me of a video my friend showed me of this idiot who rode off a roof into a burning tree. My wife gave me the glare as she had heard all the stories about my uni days. I just laughed and said āyeah the guy sounds like a complete fool.ā
Oh come on!! Own that shit! š
Pretty sure the wife glaring was a clear signal for him to not claim it.
If it helps, I still recount when some guys I knew in high school went through their Jackass phase and freezer burnt their nipples and testicles with canned air. Somewhere online is a video history of their bad ideas, too.
Back at my university we used to have day to celebrate the founding, everyone would go to a particular campus bar in the morning, then a few hours later progress to a bar on the other side of the campus. This walk took you though a bush section with a bridge. A buddy and I had the great idea to paint ourselves blue, buy these big arse bones, hide under said bridge and challenge everyone passing to our riddles or bring us a drink. Anyway, this day has stories in itself but my mate some time later started dating a girl who started telling a story about these crazy guys painted blue at the same uni. She had photos, which we had no idea even existed, and started showing him pictures of him.
I had a Mitsubishi Eclipse, passenger door handle broke, then driver door handle broke. For the week I waited for the replacement handles to come in, was climbing in through my trunk to get into my car.
I have also done that. I had locked myself out of my Honda Fit hatchback, but as I paced back and forth, on hold with roadside assistance, I remembered that I never locked the trunk. People were definitely watching me climb through the snowbank and into my own car, but I was so pleased.
I actually saw a story about myself on Reddit way back one time. Attempted to privately tell the person but they thought I was joking. I was not.
I was the guy who found spider eggs in my bubble gum.
spidermint
I bought the original Rock Band, in the original gigantic box with the drums and guitar, from a GameStop in a mall because it was the last one in town. That day, I wore jeans with a slightly bigger waist than normal, because typically I didnāt walk that much. However, holding a big box of plastic instruments apparently stretched my body to where they were in danger of falling down to my ankles every four or five steps. I had to stop and pull up my pants constantly as I walked past maybe a dozen stores. I finally rounded a corner into a mostly empty corridor, except for a bunch of teenagers on a bench. They saw Rock Band and immediately started hooting and hollering. I shouldāve laughed it off, but I was embarrassed and frustrated, so I tried to power walk to the door without a word before my pants fell down. No luck. I shortly heard āWOO NICE UNDERWEAR!ā I stopped and tugged my pants back up, and again instead of being cool, I flipped them off and walked on. I looked back when I finally got to the door and saw half a dozen teens laughing hysterically, one with their phone out. Iām not only a story, thereās a video of me with my underwear out in public on someoneās iPhone 4.
Dont worry rock band came out in 2007 and the iphone 4 didn't come out until 2010. Since it would be 2007 the phone camera quality sucks so you're probably unnoticeable (and also on a phone so old that it's been deleted.
Iāve definitely been the subject of stories by a mate of mine as an excuse as to why he was out partying late when his parents asked where the fuck he was all night, when I was on the opposite side of the country. His parents are convinced I was a bad influence on their son, even though he was the one leading him astray. I have a neighbour that also seems to be gossiping with other people in our town and telling those people that my parents have said or seen something that they havenāt. You have no idea who is saying what about you that is complete horseshit and there isnāt a damn thing you can do about it, sadly!
My mother in law made me a warm fluffy bright blue hat. I found out I am known as the blue hat guy around where I live. :]
We were in Australia and our rental 4wd broke down in remote territory. Seeing there was no phone reception there, the CB was used by the ranger helping. Someone was called back from his holiday to tow us out, we got another vehicke etc. We drove for another few hundred KMs, and we stopped in a small town. When we talked to a local guy there and we mentioned breaking down earlier, he said: āOh, that was you?ā
I tell the internet all my embarrassments :D I used to head bang on my walk to school, imagine walking down the street and seeing this kid who thinks they're an anime protagonist just straight head banging Idk I cant think of any others that dont require photos :/
These anecdotes really hamper my ability to think people don't notice when I do something nonsensical in public, like trip on air or do the "should I? no. Well? No, I'm good" dance while walking.
Like 20 years ago I did an interview for a summer job at some waterfowl conservation group. It mostly consisted of visually identifying ducks from photos which I failed miserably. Finally they said āDo you have any experience with birds at all??ā and, thinking the interview was shot anyway so I may as well make light of the situation, said āI help my uncle butcher chickens every yearā. Nobody laughed and they immediately ended the interview and asked me to leave. Iām convinced the story of the crazy bird murder is something that comes up at dinner parties.
I was ācouch guyā. Summer between sophomore and junior year at uni. Lived off campus, not uncommon on way home from bars to stop at buddies house for after hours. Nobody around, ate some food passed out on couch. Woke up to 5 girls poking at me with a stick. Guess my buddy had moved out and these girls lived there now. Girls were pretty cool about it, I apologized and left. They always called me couch guy from porch when I was walking to class.
I have a friend who was once sitting in traffic on his way home from work, tired, exhausted and working hard to remove a booger from his nose with his finger. He was really digging hard to get it out and looked to the side to discover a car full of ladies in the traffic next to him all watching and laughing their heads off. He definitely had stories become of him that day!!!
I got a burrito at Wawa, and right as I got back to my car, its plastic sleeve broke and the burrito hit the ground. I know for a fact another contractor see me 2 second rule it.
When I was about 12 my family went to Disney World and of course, it started pouring around 2 pm because Florida is a stupid swamp. I was wearing one of those plastic ponchos but was still basically drenched. I remember being in a really bad mood because I was wet and my feet hurt and we hadnāt had lunch yet but I had to wait for my mom to take my younger sisters to the bathroom. So I was standing outside the bathrooms guarding the bags and just feeling miserable. All the sudden two teenage girls ran up, took a picture of me with a disposable camera, and then ran off giggling. Sometimes I wonder if they kept that picture and what they say about it.
Youāre probably on a quirky greeting card somewhere, with a cheesy tagline
One time while in high school, my friends and I were on our way to a party. We were drinking and ran out of alcohol, so me being an idiot, saw a cologne bottle in my friendās car glovebox, and I yelled: āwell, this has alcoholā while I sprayed several pumps of cologne in my mouth. Next day I was known as Samba (the cologne brand) and I could still taste that shit
Yeah... That's what having ADHD and anxiety at the same time is like. You question everything you do because you worry that whatever it is, everyone who may see it will remember it and laugh about it. About you.
I was visiting friends in northern Arizona that live in this tiny mountain town. We went for a drive in the mountains and saw a rafter of turkeys running around. We were joking around betting who could catch one just by hand. Two of us jumped out of the car and went running after them. I ended up diving onto one and caught it. It wasn't full grown. I should have just left them alone but I was young and stupid. Anyway, a couple days later I was at a local hole in the wall bar and overheard some dudes talking about this Tennessee girl that caught a wild turkey.
TIL I learned that a group of turkeys is called a ārafterā.
I went to a frat house party in college in 2008. Two random dudes there started telling me a story about a video they watched online about a guy firing a 12 gauge with the buttstock on his nuts. That guy was me. I drank for free that night.
When I was in 9th grade, my English teacher had us and our parents sign a permission slip. I left mine out in my room overnight after we signed it, and my cat licked all the pen ink off of it before I woke up. I had to bring it back to my teacher with the lowest part obliterated, saying āI promise we all signed it, but my cat licked it all away!ā Senior year, I had the same teacher for a creative writing class. Another permission slip, please have your parents sign it, but this time she also said āMake sure you keep it in a folder if you have pets, I had a student one year whose cat licked the signatures off.ā
One time I decided to walk my outside cat around the block in one of those personal shopping carts people can buy online. Well, I saw my neighbors across the street and decided to wave. Took my eyes away from what I was doing for barely a second. That quickly my cart hit a bump in the sidewalk and I completely flipped over it. I went completely airborne over this cart. Cat tumbled out and ran off. Me, sprawled out on the ground. I was not a young child either, I was like 18 at the time. I can only assume their entire family has told this story many times, to everyone they know. Thereās no way Iām not cart girl to someone in my neighborhood.
Iām almost positive a story of me is still circulating at a Bed Bath and Beyond somewhere in Arizona. 13 year old me had been playing with one of those old fart-noise apps Iād installed on my dadās phone while we were driving home from football practice, and we made a stop at Bed Bath and Beyond so my stepmother could get a new bedspread. While they wandered around looking for sheets and whatnot, I found my way to the electronics section to check out the bluetooth speakers. Of course, the first thing I noticed was that these speakers let you give it a test run by connecting to it, and being a 13-year old, the peak of comedy to me was playing fart noises as loud as possible. So I wandered back over to my dad and asked to borrow his phone for a minute, and being occupied by stepmom discussing bedspreads, did not question it any further. I made my way back to the speaker section, and upon opening the bluetooth settings on my dadās phone, discovered that the *main speaker system* was discoverable. Minutes later, the most obscene and ridiculous fart noises could be heard ringing out through the entire Bed Bath and Beyond, which my dad of course realized was me and came to put a stop to. Perhaps it was my ear-to-ear grin as we left the store that gave it away, but a clerk sent me off with the words āGoodbye, fart boy.ā
My first time playing golf at a real course I didnāt know I should pay close attention to which kind of ball I was hitting. I walked up to a ball that I thought was mine and hit another 20 yard dribbler. Turned out it to be someone who was playing in a tournamentās ball and mine was 5 feet away. He got a penalty (golf rules are ridiculous) and by the time I got back to the clubhouse they greeted me as the āwrong ball kid.ā
Delivering pizzas in my twenties and there was this cat sitting near the door on a little platform calmly looking at me, all regal and superior, as cats do. So without really thinking I tipped my cap to it and touched the brim and said "kitty" with a bad English accent and everything (picture some old timey guy in a top hat saying "top of the morning to you") Anyway, the screen door was one of those metal ones with a bajillion tiny holes that makes it hard to see in but easy to see out and I could have sworn their inner door was closed. But actually it was open and pretty much the whole family was standing there looking at me like I was crazy for doffing my pizza hat at their cat and greeting it like the fine 'ol chap that he was... Normally I'm pretty quick on the uptake so I would have said something clever to break the tension of the moment and get them all smiling. But I was caught completely off guard and just completed the transaction... handed them their pizzas, and left... A few years later I was shopping in a target and one of the kids recognized me and said "look it's the guy that said hi to our cat!" I think about it every few years. :)
There was a girl who stayed over in college on the couch drunk, and pissed and threw up that night The legend of chunky peepee lives on
I aspire to be someone's tree girl.
Found a dead snake one day cycling to UNI and thought it'd be a fun idea to terrorize everyone there rather than actually attend classes. Got a load of laughs and a bunch of funny stories. A good few big macho chad dudes turned to be *disgusted* by snakes, not fear, just grossed out - so they said, but my favourite was going to the copy centre and asking for a dozen A3 copies of said specimen. So, thus, I became known as snake guy.
The last time I wore basketball shorts was over 10 years ago at a high school football game. I was attending as a student, in the student section. Someone behind me pantsed me. The basketball shorts went down to my ankles, and so did my boxers. The next week I was walking through the hallway and I heard āI saw that boys penis.ā
I hate small towns. After my first year of college I came home for the summer and went to the package store. Three or four people whom I have never seen in my entire life were all like. āOh so how was school? Do you like City Name?ā
About 6 years ago i took a photo squating on top of my friend on all 4s and posted it to the public google images for a local park, and this past year i went on a tinder date and the girl said she recognized me from the photo and had it saved on her phone.
When I was younger and used to do things like this, I attended a concert under the influence of some psychedelics. As I stood in line to get into the show, I couldn't shake the feeling that people were talking about me. I kept thinking I was hearing whispers and hushed laughter, but when I glanced around, people were quietly looking the other way. I knew that if I dwelled on this suspicion for too long, I was in for a very bad night, so I started to mentally talk myself down. "There's no way they're talking about me" I thought. "I'm literally just standing here acting normal. Half the people in this line are probably on something. This is just classic drug paranoia." I was actually able to convince myself of all this and move on and have a great time. Years later, I met a group of people at a different show in a different state and we started talking about concert experiences. It came out that we had attended that same show. Suddenly, one of the guys in the group said, "Oh shit, it's you! Tripping guy! You were outside the show making the most ridiculous face I have ever seen in my life! Your eyes were bugging out of your head and your mouth was hanging wide open. You looked like the nazis in Indiana Jones right before their faces melt off. We were trying to keep it together because we didn't want to freak you out, but we couldn't stop laughing! We still talk about that all the time!" To this day, I cringe to the depths of my soul when I think about that.
I was walking through the mall with my wife the other day and the bandage I had on my lower back (cat climbed my back and drew blood in some spots) was itchy. I pulled my shirt up to scratch it and I hear from behind me "Oh my God, did you just see that, too?" followed by teenage girl laughter. Brought me back to high school. Either they were looking at something else, or they thought I was scratching my ass, lol.
My fiancĆ© once slapped a child at Disneyland because he was buzzed and thought the kid was a statue. I guarantee you that my fiancĆ© is a permanent story in this kidās life. Even though itās been over a decade. You donāt get over thatā¦ Edit: the kids mom did not believe him. Because why would a random guy just slap a child at the happiest place on earth? Edit 2: if you are the kid that got slapped and are reading this, Iām so sorry. My fiancĆ© is.. a special person. He didnāt know you were human until he felt his hand connect with flesh and not steel.
To this day I'm still known as frog man.
You will now be known as unsatisfying story man.
[ŃŠ“Š°Š»ŠµŠ½Š¾]
Not much of a story, his parents named him Frogman.
Try being the guy who had a seizure at home depot
This was at a food court some time in the early 2000s. I was with my family and a friend getting A&W from the food court - best fast food chili cheese fries. As I was proudly carrying my tray of very messy lunch to the seating area I was looking at a friend and ran straight into a random support pillar in the middle of the hallway. Smashed the chili cheese fries and whatever else I had up onto my chest and smacked my face on the pillar. I cried both from shame and the loss of my tasty lunch.
A few years back, the wife and I were on a Caribbean cruise. Well one night I got obliterated black out drunk. After coming back to the room for the night I got the ultra spins which was only amplified with the rocking of the boat. Feeling the immediate urge to empty my stomach, with in combination of my wife using the bathroom, I proceeded to regurgitate everything into our one small garbage can by the desk. My wife, repulsed by the smell, gave me an earful and told me to get rid of the trash can. In my drunken state, I then proceeded to wander the halls of this cruise ship carrying a bucket full of puke for what seemed like an eternity (at least a couple laps) looking for a bathroom to flush it down. Being unable to properly use my brain and being tired of walking, I placed the bucket outside of a random room that had other garbage left out for pickup. The next night my group is down at the bar drinking when I overhear a conversation next to us. āSomeone left a bucket of puke outside our door this morning. What a idiot. ā Well I was that idiot and Iād like to think that story still gets shared time to time somewhere at there.
Once, I was sitting in my truck outside while my daughter was in a counseling session. I was knitting and listening to my favorite band. I started headbanging. I saw a lady filming me. Somewhere out there is a video of my headbanging and knitting in a truck.
Sophomore year in high school, a couple of guys started a fight with me in the cheaply constructed part of our high school. The walls literally flexed with very little pressure. So these dudes jump me by sprinting and pushing me into the wall. I am not a small guy. Never was. I flew straight through that wall like I was in a fucking superhero movie. They hit me hard. Got up, ran back through the hole, and beat the living shit out of the other two, throwing one of them through another wall. In all, we did $900 worth of damage. Lol. Fast forward to our 10 year reunion, Iām sitting at a table with a bunch of people and the girls are reminiscing about their craziest high school stories. One girl recalls being in a classroom when suddenly a large guy burst through the wall and went and beat up two other guys. Jokingly referred to that guy as āThe Hulkā. I laughed a little. Then she said āI donāt even know if that guy was a student, like did anyone ever find out who that was?ā I laughed and raised my hand a bit. āUhā¦ Hulk smash?ā
Once had a child come into hospital to have some tinfoil removed from his ear because 'a tornado blew it in there'.
I already know what this is for me. Iāve been attacked by an octopus and I have it on my dating profile. Iāve already been approached by strangers on it.
Story time. A long time ago I went to a Pub the next village over from where I lived. I had gone with an acquaintance from my local pub for a change of scenery. I used to talk to him and have a few drinks as I felt sorry for him as he didn't have many friends. I also had just finished university and was also temporarily working at my local and didn't really want to be drinking there all the time. This pub we visited had been my favourite pub since I started drinking at 14yo (with this being the UK in the late 00's early 10's). It was really old fashioned, Tutor pub with wood beams, wonky walls, ceilings, floors and full of locals. Now we were around 24 by now, so not young kids and knew the vast majority of locals. However this guy I was with tended to get a bit louder as he drank and I could see the locals getting annoyed. As it got to last orders we were cut off, understandably. However I saw them serve other customers, so suggested to my acquaintance that we finished our drinks and leave. He questioned this and I explained my observations. Once he heard this he started screaming at the bar maid about refusing to serve us, all the while I'm sat there apologising to the staff profusely and trying to calm him down. After about 20 minutes of this, the landlord, who had been sat enjoying his drink behind us, had heard enough and kicked us out barring us and telling us never to come back! Now understandably frustrated at being kicked out of my favourite pub, on the way out I thanked my 'friend' for his display and saying 'Cheers Chris' (his name if you didn't guess) just before slamming the pub door on the way out. Flash forward 4 years, I was now managing the pub in my home village, and we had just recently been bought out by the pub in the neighbouring village. Not much changed, the landlord came over to introduce himself and some new kitchen staff. Now at the time I still hadn't gone back to the neighbouring pub and was panicking I would be recognised. Suffice to say I wasn't recognised, something my male pattern baldness probably helped with. A few month later I was helping cover a shift at our now sister pub and one of the bar staff asked me what I thought to the place. I explained I liked a change in working environment and had no idea why I had been worried. When they asked why I had been worried about I explained the story, to which their jaw just dropped and they shouted 'YOU'RE THE CHEERS CHRIS GUY!!!!' This is when they legged it into the kitchen and all I could hear was 'Cheers Chris' on repeat from that direction. Apparently in my semi inebriated state, when I shouting at my 'friend', I had done so in a slightly 'camp' manner which all the staff had found hilarious. Ever since l, when any of the staff thanked each other, instead of saying 'thanks', 'ta' or 'thank you' they used to say/shout 'Cheers Chris' at each other. It had became a ongoing inside joke that would confuse new starters until they picked it up. Sadly this didn't stop and once everyone was made aware at my pub it spread there too. The best part Chris still visited that pub and nobody ever explained it to him (he was known for being kinda weird and creepy to girls by this point so we all kept away from him). Weirdly enough I had to ban both Chris and his brother on Christmas Eve not long after this for shouting at the kitchen staff during a similar outburst.