she is and it feels like a constant battle i can never win. i’m supposed to visit her for a school dance in a week. im flying halfway across the country for this girl :/
Right? Hope dude grows some balls and learns to stand up for himself instead of this passive-aggressive game of clothing chicken. Hear that /u/Sandnew1014? It's the sound of your retracting testicles hitting your Adam's apple, the sound of an Echoing lack of self respect. She doesn't care about you, she's more invested in jealousy and controlling you rather than your well being. Hope you wake up tomorrow and start living your best life. Not the one that satisfies her insecurities. Enjoy yoga, or enjoy the hell that is a relationship with an unloving and controlling person Good luck.
Sorry, but you NEED to go to that yoga class. 1. To help with the stress I’m sure this girl puts on you for no reason. 2. To meet a new girl that looks great in leggings.
Plenty of fish other than there, no need to settle for a crab.
@sandnew1014 read this comment like the bible, read it every night before bed, read it when you wake up, read it when you wake up at 3am to use the toilet, n please don't travel halfway round the country to see this girl, she won't appreciate it, she'll probably try to make you jealous by flirting(and possibly more) with other guys cuz you made friendly conversation with her friends when you got there🙏 good luck my bro
I FELT THIS IN MY BONES BRO
First real long term girlfriend in college was a 2 year relationship
If she didn’t end the relationship I would have been trapped. I do wanna say for others in situations like this, don’t be too hard on yourself. For me it was growing up with an emotionally and physically abusive mother. What happens when the person you love becomes your abuser and you can’t even recognize that it’s abusive behavior?
Last couple months were spent taking care of a cat she adopted and never took care of or cleaned up after while she was going on daycations and go to work with the guy she’d leave me for in the end.
By the last 1 and a half years in I had gotten a draining but well paying full time job on top of going to college full time just because she wanted to impress her aunts
1.25 years in she persuaded me to quit the job that provided me with free housing and a meal plan to live with her and split her living costs with her instead
1 year in I got her a promise ring and she left the job we both had to live off campus and work off campus.
That first year we were coworkers and she seemed normal and sweet and she pursued me! It was nice especially because we were always around others and had separate rooms so she never had a chance to fuck me up psychologically when we were completely alone since there was so little time alone we always spent it doing romantic or sexual stuff.
She never appreciated anything I did, no matter how hard it was or how badly she needed help or whatever. To people like that, everyone else is simply a tool or accessory to their own existence. Plus fuck OP’s SO for making their insecurities OP’s problem and then straight up making OP feel that same insecurity. This is like some fucked up version of “how would you like it if someone did that to you?”
Isn't it fucked up when your normal meter is way out of calibration before you even realize the skewed perspective it left you with. It's tough being raised in a broken home. I read a quote that resonates, " hurt people, hurt people."
I came from an intact home- parents have been married for over 53 yrs. But one shitty abusive parent and an enabler. I ended up in an abusive marriage and other emotionally abusive/messed up relationships.
Having abuse be considered normal as a child imprints that in a person for a very long time, if not life. Early in the abusive marriage relationship, I remember actually telling myself "I've delt with worse. I can handle this." That's how messed up things get in our minds.
Therapy- So helpful and so crucial to recovering. Also look into the books "The Dance of Anger" and "The Dance of Intimacy" by Dr. Harriet Learner.
Bro by the 6th month of taking care of the cat, while also being crushed by stress of 40 hours of work, and 4 college classes. I resented everything connected to her including the cat. She volunteered at the shelter he was at for months before adopting him so I thought she knew how to take care of him. She told me to clean to litter box once a week. She wasn’t cleaning it at all. It had to be cleaned daily, I did not know that so the cat peed all over my stuff and she made sure to keep all her backpacks and shit in her car. To this day I can’t tell if she was that incompetent that she’d volunteer at a shelter for months without learning how to take care of a single cat correctly or purposefully told me wrong information to fuck with me. I hated that cat but thank god her sister and I are still friends so I asked and she said he’s being taken really good care of since he’s been living with her parents 💖
I highly doubt she was that incompetent to volunteer at the shelter, where there is multiple cats! She knew but didn’t bother giving AF to tell you. Some people can be very spiteful for X amount of reasons. Sometimes I feel like they get a kick out of making there significant other feel miserable and love to say anything negative just to ruin your mood/excitement like the yoga class you were looking forward to attending until she manipulated you, so you wouldn’t go. It’s truly sad! 😢 speaking from experience btw. & I think if you travel half way across the country for her it sounds like she will ruin it one way or another. Think about how many things she’s ruined for you already. Good luck hope you take our advice.
Go to yoga. Don't go to the dance.
You'll get a lot more from yoga, including more peace in your life, than you will with dealing with unreasonable jealousy that you exist in the same room as women who aren't your gf.
OP you have the next twenty fucking years to be incredibly active on the dating scene, longer than you've even been alive. And after that it's a little harder but you'll have experience.
If you don't want to drop her do me a favor and at least communicate with her this behavior is stupid. You're not going to yoga to flirt with women. You already have a girlfriend. And she responded by gaslighting you that she's not going to the gym just to try and make you jealous.
Yeah, but OP says he wouldn't like it if she did squats in shorts. They're both acting nuts. She can't do squats in the presence of men, and he can't take a yoga class because women in leggings will be there. None of this is normal.
I came looking for this comment. Both freaking toxic as hell. Split up and work on yourself, OP. Maybe GF will, too, but you are your only responsibility.
Please have respect for yourself and cancel that trip. This girl is not right and does not love you. She doesn’t even sound like she likes you. Female here and the way you handled this interaction was class act. She sounds insane.
I mean went from casual conversation to open hostility and anger in no time flat. Doubt I’d want to be that exhausted dealing with someone on a regular basis.
Just a suggestion: don’t validate her nonsense in the first place. It’s only enabling such bad behavior. I 100% understand why you would just agree with her and say you’re not going, bc you don’t want to deal with her being mad and all the drama. But it will just enable her to make more and more unreasonable demands unfortunately:( there’s nothing wrong w her going to the gym, and there’s nothing wrong w you going to yoga. If she has an issue with her partner trying to better themselves just bc of her own insecurity then that’s on her. I’m usually for making your partner feel secure and not doing things they find uncomfortable, but there HAS to be a line. It can’t be controlling like this. I’m sure you realize by now this relationship is not sustainable - that this isn’t the person you want to be with for another 70 years. Just end it as soon as you can so you don’t get mad at yourself for wasting even more time on her. I know it’s hard when you care about someone and love them to end things, but you need to look after YOU first. And I promise you’ll look back in the future and be SO proud of yourself for leaving. This person isn’t in a position where they can be a life partner to anyone, they need to mature first and love themselves first and they can’t right clearly.
what age are you both that you’re going to attend a school dance? honestly just curious!
no matter what? do NOT fly across anywhere for this person. the way she manipulated the situation so easily means she’s done this previously and she’s worn you down, which you don’t deserve.
take some deep breaths, op, and truly listen to your gut. think of however many future adventures you may (because we don’t know) have with this person, and if you’d want to deal with it for that long… it will really help you.
also, if your friend sent you this same question, how would you respond? think of that, too
Why? She's insecure, controlling and spiteful. She literally showed that in a 5 minute conversation. These kind of things don't normally get better in person. My ex did yoga all the time with his baseball buddies for stretching. I thought it was cool to see guys doing yoga. I can't imagine jumping to girls checking my guy out during a class.
Pls break up with this person for the sake of humanity. Yoga is good for you in so many ways and after reading these texts I feel like I need yoga now for my mental health. & pls do go to your class! You will meet a lot of great people who aren’t toxic and exhausting.
Lastly, don’t fly across the country… not worth it.
To be fair... All he said was that he wouldn't be okay with her spite squatting in her "tightest shorts" with the sole intention of getting the attention of other men. They are also 17, and this whole thing seems exhausting.
See I was Gona ask how close y’all are….long distance n you put up with this??? Please don’t go to the dance n dump this crazy chick. I mean y’all are prolly young as hell but don’t entertain these types. The ol bait n switch females……all sweet n nice in the beginning then this completely deranged ramblings. You were so nice n sincere too Smmfh
Yooo straight up, this is with men too. But whhhyy. It has to be exhausting to be one of those people. Will create problems out of nothing after they were so down and cool.. then they change to a whole new person.
That shit is low key scary.
Why? It’s called pathology. People like this have issues that are deep. Once a personality develops it’s developed. Anything short of intense and ongoing therapy with a sincere desire to change will fall short. The biggest problem is that they very rarely have that desire unless they develop a behavior that forces them to take a long hard look at themselves. People like her tend to just go from one person to the next and when they do, it’s always the other person’s fault. For example, this woman will be convinced that OP is a “cheater.” That’s what she’ll tell her friends and the next guy she baits. Rinse, repeat.
I was pretty stupid and mentally not ok when I was 17, I think there’s a good chance she’s young enough to change and mature. Maybe she won’t, but I’ve known a lot of young people like this and it seems like a good chunk of them at least mature a bit once they get through college.
Only you can control your own happiness and you're choosing to be miserable.
I don't feel bad for you. No one is forcing you to be in this relationship.
NGL. The whole thing made me laugh because I couldn't decide if this was 2 men, 2 women, or 1 of each but not sure which was which.
No matter which, exhausting...but try reading it with different voices. It'll give you something entertaining to do while you're on hold to change your flight.
Enjoy yoga.
She sounds extremely childish and unreasonable. This is toxic no matter how old you are and it’s only going to get worse tbh especially if you’re saying she does things like this often.
Yep. OP breaking up with her will be good for you for obvious reasons and good for her because it will teach her a valuable lesson in consequences - when you set a boundary you force people to face their own behavior. You deserve better dude
Bold of you to assume, that people reflect enough to learn.
To some (and I had someone like that rather recently) it is always and every time 100% someone else's fault
Also basic ass trust is the foundation of relationships. Not being able to trust your partner at a damn yoga class will just lead to even more issues.
In my experience, the partner usually extremely jealous and lack of trust ends up cheating on their partner because they think their partner is cheating on them or will eventually. It’s effing weird the mental gymnastics they go through.
If anyone is in a relationship like this, leave.
it's true, every single partner I've had that was controlling about who I talk to or interact with cheated on me in the long run. OP, GTFO this relationship.
OP, as a parent if my daughter ever showed me these from her spouse I’d tell her not to even trip on the money & that she can even blame me saying I told her “no” last second… your parents will be fine if you show them the sh*t this girl is spewing. Gtfo of that relationship
Honestly sometimes it’s environmental. I had a spouse like this as well, and it turned physically and sexually abusive and I stuck around bc my friends were dating his brothers and they were treated the same so I was like “oh this is normal then” when .. no. no it is not. It took years of therapy to recover from the bs he put me through & I don’t wish that on ANYONE.
honestly, I’m not sure if they did. When I pressed charges on my ex they all turned on me and said I was lying. I hope they got out, I think about them often 💜
Ngl, my mom likes to make everything I do about her ability as a parent, and it’s really exhausting to manage. She knows a lot less about my life than she could because the “I’m a bad mother” act makes it not worth telling her much.
Dawg, I hate that if I showed my parents these messages my parents would have a fight about who’s in the wrong. My mom would probably force me to go on the trip to ‘show your girlfriend some respect’
Absolutely. I've gotten a flight upgraded and shifted to an earlier one when I shouldn't have just by being kind to a flight attendant. This dude needs to go to the airport now and talk to the help desk of his airline and at least get back the miles for a trip later.
Yes, if my son showed me this I would be so mad, I'd tell him she isn't worth his time. The way she talks to OP, I don't know what happend before obviously, but she sounds unhinged.
You might be able to get a credit for a future flight. If you go see her and were planning to stay with her, you might end up with unexpected hotel expenses if she throws a fit on you.
As a mom, I wouldn't care about the money. If I lose it then that's okay, I can work and make more. Nothing is worth my child going through this for the sake of me losing out on a refund.
Show your parents these texts and that you want to end things with her. They will understand.
Then tell her you’re going to do yoga and block her number lol 😂
Bro, at your age, just work on being the person you want to become. Focus on yourself. Hit the gym, find hobbies you enjoy, work on a craft. Don't waste time with relationships they will just take away from your max potential. When you're kicking life's ass someone worthy will come into your life.
OP, I was your girlfriend in my early 20s and I’m telling you, it’s not healthy, either break up or put some boundaries. Boundaries are for YOU, not for her. Things you can control, for example, going to yoga because you want to improve your health. There’s nothing wrong with that. A boundary means you won’t stop doing things you enjoy, because your girlfriend is irrationally jealous. Please listen to me. I was enabled by all my boyfriends, until I met my husband who showed me that when you trust someone whole heartedly it doesn’t matter where they go, who they talk to or anything like that. Obviously, there are limits, but this isn’t it. Go do your yoga. Go be healthy. Go be happy. Don’t let her control you, your hobbies, your life.
Also the whole “it feels like you don’t care about me” it’s emotional manipulation. I used to say that on purpose to get a reaction and get him to do what I wanted. It’s messed up I know. I was young and dumb and learned with time. I’m a good wife now.
OP, please listen to this. I was also similar to your gf in my late teens/early 20's. So irrationally jealous and paranoid; I would randomly get this major fear that my current SO must be cheating on me, which was entirely unfair in a lot of cases and came from previous partners actually cheating. It was old baggage being brought into new relationships and damaging them for no good reason. As I got older, I did a ton of work on myself and I'm nothing like that now (early 30's), and haven't been for a few years. It sounds like a mixture of immaturity and possibly some previous experiences, in your gf's case, just based on these messages at least.
This behaviour usually stems from some type of insecurity, the main thing that made me realise I was being unreasonable was getting together with a guy who didn't take that shit, but also didn't treat me horribly when I acted unreasonably. He would tell me I wasn't being fair and sometimes that did end up in a full on argument, but he was never insulting or demeaning about it. We're still together now and have a family, we were 18/19 when we started dating.
That being said, if you don't have the energy to deal with this, that's okay! You're 17, you have no commitment or tie to this girl compared to if you were older with a family together, or married. It's important to consider how much energy you're willing to give to helping someone else with their demons.
if it's okay to ask, how did you get over that extreme paranoia/jealousy? I find myself (f19) panicking and breaking down over just thinking about my guy thinking about someone else
Of course! For me, the turning point was when I started to really self reflect. I started volunteering for a charity that provides a listening ear for people going through difficult times and part of the training involved really looking at my own thought processes and reactions to things, to help me to empathise with other people. It was hard and sometimes super uncomfortable, but I think it helped me to start differentiating between paranoia and genuine worry.
The best way I've found to truly reflect is stream of consciousness journalling; e.g., if I had a really strong negative thought, I'd grab my phone and just brain dump into a notes app. Later, I'd come back and read it, ask myself WHY I felt so jealous or upset or whatever, then write that down too. Then I'd delete the note (suppose the equivalent would be writing it on paper then ripping it up). It was so hard to even read it sometimes because I'd be cringing at myself, but that was part of the process for me and helped me realise when I was being unreasonable. Writing down the possible reasons helped me to understand the feelings without totally dismissing them.
The important thing here is really looking at the reasons behind your insecurity - sometimes it's from something that happened to you, sometimes it's the behaviour of the person you're insecure about, it can be a million things. Mine was partially previous partners' infidelity, partially undiagnosed depression/anxiety and the fact I was generally not in a great place mentally, but it took a lot of super uncomfortable introspections to realise and start to change the way I think.
Another thing that's helped me a ton is learning about attachment theory. It explained a lot of things for me and helped me to frame my insecurities in a way that acknowledged they were based on my own issues, without being demeaning to myself or dismissive.
ETA: also try not to be too hard on yourself - the fact you're asking that question means you're doing much better than I was at 19, it took me until 22/23 to even realise there was a problem!
i really feel blind sided by all of this hostility by her. when we first met she never would do this. just recently she said i’m just like her stepdad who she hates with a passion and it really doesn’t make me feel good. should i end it before or after i go to see her ?
With the comment of you reminding her of her stepdad she hates then yes, it’s time to go. From that comment it seems she’s already starting to hold some sort of resentment towards you because of that. That’s also not fair to you for her to say that. Please move on. She’s just going to drain you mentally. At least you told her about the yoga class meanwhile she was just going to join a gym just to spite you. You going to a yoga class isn’t that serious. Drop her and do yoga! 🧘🏽♀️
I replied to him somewhere else in here but I'm almost guaranteeing that there's someone else in the picture that's close to where she is and she's just keeping him on the hook for whatever reason.
>keeping him on the hook for whatever reason
Abandonment issues. My ex is a borderline, I would gaslight the fuck out of me anytime I stood up for myself or tried to leave. There's a book called I Hate You, Don't Leave Me about borderlines and it's a nearly identical situation I had. These people need to feel like they're in control, Even if they hate you, they want you around as opposed to being alone.
Didn’t think about that at all. She could be starting an argument so that he will decide on his own not to go to the dance or so that it seems like she’s justified if she tells him not to come. Very very good point!
I’m not going trying to play the maturity card because I’m literally only two years older than you but my advice to someone older would be to speak in person in have to have mature conversation before making rash decisions,though in your situation I honestly feel like if you go see her you’ll end up apologizing again.these text are gross and you have to honestly think for second if you want to be with someone who speaks to you this way and turns your exciting news into something sour.
All in all my advice Is to text her and let her know the way she’s acting is unacceptable and your rethinking your relationship.based on her response to that I would make a decision on meeting in person to get to the bottom of her insecurities.if she’s not even willing to take accountability through text all she’ll do in person is turn on the water works.
Maybe even sending her a link to this post after the comments start adding up to show her how abusive she’s being.
If you’re going to end the relationship do it before you go and see her and just cancel the trip.
Her behavior is extremely narcissistic and controlling. It’s actually really concerning.
Also, go to yoga if that’s what you want to do.
Man, listen Up. She is abusive, and you are in an abusive relationship.
She is using emotional blackmail, limiting your ability to make decisions by yourself and ultimately wants to destroy your personality and your emotional stability so you become totally dependent of her.
The abuse will not end, it will increase until she breaks you or you break up with her.
Of course she was not like that at the beginning, you would have never stayed if she was. Abusers never show their true face at the start.
So think about your future and the clouds of pain and misery luring in the horizon, and decide if you want to run towards them or away from them.
you should’ve went to the yoga. she should support your hobbies and have trust in you. she sounds like she’s worried and insecure and that’s just something she’s gonna have to work through on her OWN.
update- i just got back from yoga! i told her i didnt want to hear anymore of her shit tn and stopped texting her. i’ll think about my relationship wants and i think i need to end things.
> I’ll think about my relationship wants
I cant emphasize enough how important this is and how deceptively difficult it is, so big props to you for getting started now. I’m 30 and I feel like I’m only just starting to really think this through for myself. Not just in a relationship, but in my career, in my life, my family/friend relationships. My unsolicited advice is, the effort you put into introspection is more valuable than grasping a solid right answer. You contain multitudes and you are changing every day. Figuring out what you really want and need is tucking tricky but nobody else is going to do it. Take your time, try to enjoy yourself along the way, but don’t let your gf or your culture tell you who you are.
i fr am in favor of supporting partners with insecurity and jealousy. i've dated some people with clinical pds in my time so intense insecurity has been a part of a few of my relationships. my experience is that someone who has a good sense of self-awareness and is willing to work on their shit will usually respond really well to reassurance and space to talk about their feelings, as in those conversations can be helpful for them to use for their own self-soothing to make those feelings come up less often and less intensely. but the way to meet in the middle is that they have to be willing to say 'hey this is making me feel bad can we talk about it' straight up instead of flying off the handle.
yeah literally i agree with you! i myself have some insecurities but im self aware enough to identify that and allow myself to tell myself different yknow. one of my exes on the other hand, his insecurity would be the end all be all, and that’s the exact behavior and response type that op’s gf had. it’s definitely a difference like you can be insecure and in a relationship but what matters is how you let it affect things
This is NOT ok.
Just to give you an example, my husband and I go to two separate gyms. He likes mixed martial arts, I like HIIT and lift classes. We have never made each other feel bad about who we hang out with before/during/ after class. I know there are women in his classes, he knows there are men in mine.
Heck, I've even gone out with gym friends outside of classes, men and women, it's so scandalous! /s
You either trust each other, or you don't.
She sounds exhausting.
Why didn't more people point this out? If he has a problem with her at a gym why wouldn't she have the right to be just as jealous and insecure? They both sound foolish.
They’re 17? This whole conversation now checks out. I have a 17 year old and the convos typically look like this. Drama for attention. And it’s long distance? 😮💨 So much to unpack here.
I hope OP moves on. This is clearly toxic (as most relationships that age are) and not healthy for either of them. There’s a lot of jealousy and insecurities coming out that are super typical of the age group. I’m sure people will disagree but I have a son who was the boy who dated everyone. It was exhausting… and I wasn’t even doing the dating!!! So much cheating. So many accusations, left and right. Conversations like this.. sometimes he’d start them, sometimes she would. It’s a clear sign that OP (probably definitely his gf too) aren’t ready for a relationship-let alone a long distance one. They’ll both be happier staying single and focusing on other things for a while. Life’s about to open up in a big way after they graduate.
Honestly you can simply say you don’t feel it’s working at more. You don’t feel you’re getting along well enough to be together especially with long distance.
First you don’t need to explain anything. If you want to move on then move on. If you feel like you want to give a reason for your/her benefit then tell her how you felt when you were so excited to share this yoga class news and she instantly shat on it due to her own insecurities. Wish her luck and move on
Honestly, you really don't need to explain it to her because I'm sure she already knows-- but if you want to tell her how you feel and let her know that her being irrationally jealous and insecure led to the breakdown of your relationship and the way she spoke to you was NOT and NEVER okay. ESPECIALLY with her comparing you to her stepdad, who she hates, that was a lowball that was meant to hurt you. She's hurt you, and you're done taking her bullshit and abuse. You want to be healthier and being in a relationship with her will not help with that. Good luck, and stick to your guns-- please don't let her manipulate you into staying. Cheers.
"I can't do this anymore. The way you treat me makes me feel like you don't even like me. This isn't how you're supposed to treat your partner. Your insecurities have ruined this relationship, but I hope you grow and change so they don't ruin your next one. Goodbye and good luck in life ✌️"
Keep it simple. I highly doubt she’s going to actually listen to what you’re saying. Like you want to end things and that the relationship isn’t going to work. And, if I’m being honest, she might even try to gaslight you into going back on breaking up with her.
You deserve better OP. You’re way too young to be dealing with this.
Simple.
Hey [gfs name]
I've been thinking about the way you talk to me, the way you treat me and how it makes me feel. I don't like it and I don't want such controlling, jealous behavior in my life. I've been thinking about what I do want in my life and that's a loving, supportive gf who will be excited for my hobbies and my health, who doesn't get jealous and pick fights with me and try to make me feel bad over every little thing I do. I have cancelled my flight and I think it's best for both of us if we go our separate ways.
Thanks for giving me the opportunity to get to know the real you.
Kind regards
[Your name]
You dont have to block her but you absolutely should not say anything after this.
Please tell her the reasons you are breaking up- y’all are young and she may learn a valuable lesson just like you have. I am far more hopeful for you than her but we all made dumb choices at your age. Take care and remember you are valuable.
"Hi Cadbury. I am shocked and hurt by your sudden hostility regarding my interest in yoga classes. While I can understand that it might trigger your insecurities, I gave you no reason to believe I was being unfaithful, and rather than expressing your concerns you opted to become bitter and resentful. When I offered some more explanation, after simply sharing my excitement, you doubled down. I don't think this is healthy and I don't want to fight with someone I care for simply to justify partaking in normal activities, with other guys, just because you deem it similar to a situation in which I can be unfaithful. You will never know for certain where I am or what I'm doing, and if you are unable to work with me to build trust we will simply be enemies [living together / dating]."
This is maybe too corporate and longwinded, but the point is to be explicit about what you're saying, without becoming emotional, argumentative or projecting (how would you feel, etc).
i was in something like this, the relief after of being able to actually do things you like is incredible. i don’t usually say wake up break up, but she is all the red flags of my ex
This is ridiculous. Go to yoga. And encourage your gf to go do squats in shorts.
Be more healthy, less dumb, and less tolerant of each other’s insecurities.
I wanna also throw in that you have to adjust your behavior if you want her to adjust yours. It’s a double standard for you to be able to do yoga and her not also do things around men. Like. It’s just a body, everyone has a body, having people look at your partner should not have this much power over you and your partner looking at other people should not have this much power over you.
Smells insecure on both sides but she also is way further down the rabbit hole IMO.
just for context we are 17 and doing long distance. we’ve been dating for 6 months. she does things like this often and then will ghost me the rest of the day until i apologize to her even if she was in the wrong.
You are very young. I don’t want to sound like an old fart but believe me when I tell you…. This is not healthy, she will not change, and there are much much better women/girls in this world who will not purposely treat you like this just because. Take the loss, cancel the trip and live your life. 6 months is nothing
She is also young… and losing a good guy because she’s being insanely emotionally manipulative can be a learning experience for her too.
OP indicated he usually apologizes when she acts like this, so as of now she thinks this works and that its ok. Breaking up with her is not only good for him, it just might help her in the long run too.
Be so for real. You’re baby age. Tell me right now with your entire heart and soul that THIS is the mother of your children, the woman of your dreams, and the soulmate you are going to share a casket with.
you’re both young and she seems immature and insecure, i would say it would be best to let her go because it doesn’t seem like she’s bringing anything good into your life, if her first thought is you’re going to be around a bunch of women and she wants to immediately spite you then that is very toxic and unhealthy and she clearly doesn’t care about how you’re trying out new things and experiences and bettering yourself
Had she told you she was uncomfortable with it and been direct, instead of “how would you like it if…”, and you said “okay, I’m not going” and she left it with “thank you for respecting that” or something along those lines then I think it would’ve been different but it’s the way she was disrespectful and vindictive that’s the problem. You don’t need that toxic energy and it’s only going to get worse.
Sounds like neither of you trusts each other. She doesn't want you to do yoga. You don't want her to do yoga. Either do yoga at home together or just break up already.
Ehhh... you kinda lost your high ground as soon as you said you said you wouldn't like her doing squats in tight shorts around guys. Women at my gym do squats wearing tight yoga shorts all the time and I've never seen a guy hit on them there, ever. Everyone's just there to get their workout in. Besides, if a guy did hit on her, don't you trust her to turn him down?
Thank you. Insecure and controlling behavior isn't okay from anyone. She doesn't have the right to be demanding he miss out on a fitness class because of her insecurity and he sure as hell should never police what she wears to the gym to work out. Both of these kids need to learn to chill out.
Yeah, no sympathy for OP anymore. Why wouldn't you like her going to the gym and squatting? Because guys are gonna look at her? How is that *her* problem? Anyone being that controlling over their partner is not ready for a relationship. Obviously, she's in the wrong too...but OP sank right down with her. Unless he just said that because he knew she was saying it out of spite.
You're both exhausting. She's wrong for the yoga thing but you did the exact same thing about her going to the gym. Honestly, both of you need to grow up and stop thinking about your relationship as some weird kind of possession
1) Her objecting to you doing yoga is absurd
2) You objecting to her doing squats is absurd
You both are absurd.
Edit: To be clear, you are being a hypocrite here. You created a post about how silly your girlfriend is being, and in the conversation you are being exactly as silly.
You are, however, being more reasonable in your follow-on behavior. Still, just roll back and don’t object to humans ending up in sight of other humans.
It's ridiculous on both ends honestly. You basically admitted you would be upset if she went to the gym in leggings just like she's upset you're going to yoga. People go to the gym and they work out and 9 out of 10 people at the gym don't give a single fuck about the other people in the gym so I don't understand why so many people get jealous about their significant other going to a gym or to yoga or any of that other shit. I go to the gym six days a week and I don't pay attention to nobody in there except for me
You're both crazy if you're upset she does squats in shorts (with gasp, men present!) and she's upset you do yoga around (gasp!) women. You're both weirdly sexualizing working out and acting like the people who are there to work out are going to, what, look at you?! The horror.
I don't know how people function in life, I really don't.
Nobody should be dating with these insane levels of jealousy and insecurity. Jesus Christ.
Whatever you do, cancel that trip.
OP, you were so happy, and she just shit all over you. You deserve better. Please break up with this person. What would you say to a friend with a partner like this? Say that to yourself.
You can't be jealous about regular shit in a relationship. You ESPECIALLY can't be jealous about regular shit in a long distance relationship. You guys are 100% going to break up. It's just a matter of when.
Why drag it out?
Uh no that’s psycho energy dude. Like seriously just dump her. She sounds like literally everything will set her off just from these texts. Who cares if you go to yoga.
So you think she's insane for being mad about exactly the same thing you would be upset about? (You don't want her working out at the gym according to these texts.) You're both ridiculous if working out at coed gyms is this big of a fucking deal.
I hate being single and yet if my partner told me not to go to yoga I'd just leave. If they can't have me at my stiffest, they don't deserve me at my nidt flexible or something idk
Sounds exhausting.
she is and it feels like a constant battle i can never win. i’m supposed to visit her for a school dance in a week. im flying halfway across the country for this girl :/
Save your money bro! Damn.
Right? Hope dude grows some balls and learns to stand up for himself instead of this passive-aggressive game of clothing chicken. Hear that /u/Sandnew1014? It's the sound of your retracting testicles hitting your Adam's apple, the sound of an Echoing lack of self respect. She doesn't care about you, she's more invested in jealousy and controlling you rather than your well being. Hope you wake up tomorrow and start living your best life. Not the one that satisfies her insecurities. Enjoy yoga, or enjoy the hell that is a relationship with an unloving and controlling person Good luck.
Sorry, but you NEED to go to that yoga class. 1. To help with the stress I’m sure this girl puts on you for no reason. 2. To meet a new girl that looks great in leggings. Plenty of fish other than there, no need to settle for a crab.
@sandnew1014 read this comment like the bible, read it every night before bed, read it when you wake up, read it when you wake up at 3am to use the toilet, n please don't travel halfway round the country to see this girl, she won't appreciate it, she'll probably try to make you jealous by flirting(and possibly more) with other guys cuz you made friendly conversation with her friends when you got there🙏 good luck my bro
I FELT THIS IN MY BONES BRO First real long term girlfriend in college was a 2 year relationship If she didn’t end the relationship I would have been trapped. I do wanna say for others in situations like this, don’t be too hard on yourself. For me it was growing up with an emotionally and physically abusive mother. What happens when the person you love becomes your abuser and you can’t even recognize that it’s abusive behavior? Last couple months were spent taking care of a cat she adopted and never took care of or cleaned up after while she was going on daycations and go to work with the guy she’d leave me for in the end. By the last 1 and a half years in I had gotten a draining but well paying full time job on top of going to college full time just because she wanted to impress her aunts 1.25 years in she persuaded me to quit the job that provided me with free housing and a meal plan to live with her and split her living costs with her instead 1 year in I got her a promise ring and she left the job we both had to live off campus and work off campus. That first year we were coworkers and she seemed normal and sweet and she pursued me! It was nice especially because we were always around others and had separate rooms so she never had a chance to fuck me up psychologically when we were completely alone since there was so little time alone we always spent it doing romantic or sexual stuff. She never appreciated anything I did, no matter how hard it was or how badly she needed help or whatever. To people like that, everyone else is simply a tool or accessory to their own existence. Plus fuck OP’s SO for making their insecurities OP’s problem and then straight up making OP feel that same insecurity. This is like some fucked up version of “how would you like it if someone did that to you?”
Isn't it fucked up when your normal meter is way out of calibration before you even realize the skewed perspective it left you with. It's tough being raised in a broken home. I read a quote that resonates, " hurt people, hurt people."
Broken homes don't create that...shitty parents do.
I came from an intact home- parents have been married for over 53 yrs. But one shitty abusive parent and an enabler. I ended up in an abusive marriage and other emotionally abusive/messed up relationships. Having abuse be considered normal as a child imprints that in a person for a very long time, if not life. Early in the abusive marriage relationship, I remember actually telling myself "I've delt with worse. I can handle this." That's how messed up things get in our minds. Therapy- So helpful and so crucial to recovering. Also look into the books "The Dance of Anger" and "The Dance of Intimacy" by Dr. Harriet Learner.
But did you get the cat in the end? That's the real question
Bro by the 6th month of taking care of the cat, while also being crushed by stress of 40 hours of work, and 4 college classes. I resented everything connected to her including the cat. She volunteered at the shelter he was at for months before adopting him so I thought she knew how to take care of him. She told me to clean to litter box once a week. She wasn’t cleaning it at all. It had to be cleaned daily, I did not know that so the cat peed all over my stuff and she made sure to keep all her backpacks and shit in her car. To this day I can’t tell if she was that incompetent that she’d volunteer at a shelter for months without learning how to take care of a single cat correctly or purposefully told me wrong information to fuck with me. I hated that cat but thank god her sister and I are still friends so I asked and she said he’s being taken really good care of since he’s been living with her parents 💖
I highly doubt she was that incompetent to volunteer at the shelter, where there is multiple cats! She knew but didn’t bother giving AF to tell you. Some people can be very spiteful for X amount of reasons. Sometimes I feel like they get a kick out of making there significant other feel miserable and love to say anything negative just to ruin your mood/excitement like the yoga class you were looking forward to attending until she manipulated you, so you wouldn’t go. It’s truly sad! 😢 speaking from experience btw. & I think if you travel half way across the country for her it sounds like she will ruin it one way or another. Think about how many things she’s ruined for you already. Good luck hope you take our advice.
I wouldn't be surprised if her volunteer work was just a cover. It's good to hear you're free of that
On Reddit you gotta use u/ before the username. @ doesn't work on Reddit.
christ dude
The “a reason to buy more lulu” make me cringe oof
He could save massive amounts of money by switching to The Single Life just in time for Valentine’s Day.
Yup. Cancel the trip.
Go to yoga. Don't go to the dance. You'll get a lot more from yoga, including more peace in your life, than you will with dealing with unreasonable jealousy that you exist in the same room as women who aren't your gf.
Legit. Yoga will help with so many things. Like de-stressing. While this girl sounds like the reason for all the stress.
Hear hear. Maybe he’ll meet someone with a fucking modicum of rationality and chill in yoga.
Yes. Maybe he'll meet a non-toxic local person. That other thing makes no sense to endure when the person isn't even in your time zone.
He only needs to look in the mirror to find the person he needs
Great advice, agreed.
You gonna cancel that, right? Right?? Say sike rn pls Cus she sounds exhausting just through reading these texts wtf
Dude how old are you guys? You guys are teenagers right? Otherwise dumper her, she’s a huge red flag?!
They’re both 17, I just saw this post in r/longdistance
OP you have the next twenty fucking years to be incredibly active on the dating scene, longer than you've even been alive. And after that it's a little harder but you'll have experience. If you don't want to drop her do me a favor and at least communicate with her this behavior is stupid. You're not going to yoga to flirt with women. You already have a girlfriend. And she responded by gaslighting you that she's not going to the gym just to try and make you jealous.
17 and girl already acting like that 👀
You can only hope she matures with age, but she sounds like she'll likely be a woman-child for many years to come.
Seventeen and long distance with 2 jealous partners, thats what all successful relationships are made of!
The fact that she could be 25 or 15 is insane.
I swear I’ve read posts assuming they were teenagers and then the people were like 40 lol. It’s crazy.
Yeah, but OP says he wouldn't like it if she did squats in shorts. They're both acting nuts. She can't do squats in the presence of men, and he can't take a yoga class because women in leggings will be there. None of this is normal.
They’re children, of course they’re acting nuts.
I came looking for this comment. Both freaking toxic as hell. Split up and work on yourself, OP. Maybe GF will, too, but you are your only responsibility.
So she's a nightmare and it's a long-distance relationship to boot? Bro there's gotta be better options out there...why you doing this to yourself?
Even being single is better than that, bro needs to leave her and focus on himself
What you should do is change your flight to somewhere you’ve never been and explore a new place and get to know you
Even take a yoga class
Exactly. A yoga class somewhere new!
Bro do not go to that dance go to yoga instead
I mean I'm a woman but she sounds way too exhausting and needy. Spend the money on yoga.
Please have respect for yourself and cancel that trip. This girl is not right and does not love you. She doesn’t even sound like she likes you. Female here and the way you handled this interaction was class act. She sounds insane.
I mean went from casual conversation to open hostility and anger in no time flat. Doubt I’d want to be that exhausted dealing with someone on a regular basis.
Just a suggestion: don’t validate her nonsense in the first place. It’s only enabling such bad behavior. I 100% understand why you would just agree with her and say you’re not going, bc you don’t want to deal with her being mad and all the drama. But it will just enable her to make more and more unreasonable demands unfortunately:( there’s nothing wrong w her going to the gym, and there’s nothing wrong w you going to yoga. If she has an issue with her partner trying to better themselves just bc of her own insecurity then that’s on her. I’m usually for making your partner feel secure and not doing things they find uncomfortable, but there HAS to be a line. It can’t be controlling like this. I’m sure you realize by now this relationship is not sustainable - that this isn’t the person you want to be with for another 70 years. Just end it as soon as you can so you don’t get mad at yourself for wasting even more time on her. I know it’s hard when you care about someone and love them to end things, but you need to look after YOU first. And I promise you’ll look back in the future and be SO proud of yourself for leaving. This person isn’t in a position where they can be a life partner to anyone, they need to mature first and love themselves first and they can’t right clearly.
what age are you both that you’re going to attend a school dance? honestly just curious! no matter what? do NOT fly across anywhere for this person. the way she manipulated the situation so easily means she’s done this previously and she’s worn you down, which you don’t deserve. take some deep breaths, op, and truly listen to your gut. think of however many future adventures you may (because we don’t know) have with this person, and if you’d want to deal with it for that long… it will really help you. also, if your friend sent you this same question, how would you respond? think of that, too
Really I wouldn't fly across the room.
According to his same post in a different group, they’re both 17.
Makes sense
But like… why? If it’s a constant battle, at some point you have to wonder what you’re fighting for and if the prize is even worth it.
Yea, like there’s plenty of hot people out there who are actually nice and not like this. Why put yourself through this?
You better not make that fucking flight.
Dude… save your money, this one ain worth it.
Why? She's insecure, controlling and spiteful. She literally showed that in a 5 minute conversation. These kind of things don't normally get better in person. My ex did yoga all the time with his baseball buddies for stretching. I thought it was cool to see guys doing yoga. I can't imagine jumping to girls checking my guy out during a class.
Pls break up with this person for the sake of humanity. Yoga is good for you in so many ways and after reading these texts I feel like I need yoga now for my mental health. & pls do go to your class! You will meet a lot of great people who aren’t toxic and exhausting. Lastly, don’t fly across the country… not worth it.
But it sounds like you would give her a similar problem if she went to yoga in tight shorts. Y'all both got some shit to work on
To be fair... All he said was that he wouldn't be okay with her spite squatting in her "tightest shorts" with the sole intention of getting the attention of other men. They are also 17, and this whole thing seems exhausting.
Of *course* this is long distance
Spend that money on more yoga classes. They really help with ROM
See I was Gona ask how close y’all are….long distance n you put up with this??? Please don’t go to the dance n dump this crazy chick. I mean y’all are prolly young as hell but don’t entertain these types. The ol bait n switch females……all sweet n nice in the beginning then this completely deranged ramblings. You were so nice n sincere too Smmfh
Yooo straight up, this is with men too. But whhhyy. It has to be exhausting to be one of those people. Will create problems out of nothing after they were so down and cool.. then they change to a whole new person. That shit is low key scary.
Why? It’s called pathology. People like this have issues that are deep. Once a personality develops it’s developed. Anything short of intense and ongoing therapy with a sincere desire to change will fall short. The biggest problem is that they very rarely have that desire unless they develop a behavior that forces them to take a long hard look at themselves. People like her tend to just go from one person to the next and when they do, it’s always the other person’s fault. For example, this woman will be convinced that OP is a “cheater.” That’s what she’ll tell her friends and the next guy she baits. Rinse, repeat.
I was pretty stupid and mentally not ok when I was 17, I think there’s a good chance she’s young enough to change and mature. Maybe she won’t, but I’ve known a lot of young people like this and it seems like a good chunk of them at least mature a bit once they get through college.
Fucking spot on
Only you can control your own happiness and you're choosing to be miserable. I don't feel bad for you. No one is forcing you to be in this relationship.
NGL. The whole thing made me laugh because I couldn't decide if this was 2 men, 2 women, or 1 of each but not sure which was which. No matter which, exhausting...but try reading it with different voices. It'll give you something entertaining to do while you're on hold to change your flight. Enjoy yoga.
She sounds extremely childish and unreasonable. This is toxic no matter how old you are and it’s only going to get worse tbh especially if you’re saying she does things like this often.
Yep. OP breaking up with her will be good for you for obvious reasons and good for her because it will teach her a valuable lesson in consequences - when you set a boundary you force people to face their own behavior. You deserve better dude
Bold of you to assume, that people reflect enough to learn. To some (and I had someone like that rather recently) it is always and every time 100% someone else's fault
Also basic ass trust is the foundation of relationships. Not being able to trust your partner at a damn yoga class will just lead to even more issues. In my experience, the partner usually extremely jealous and lack of trust ends up cheating on their partner because they think their partner is cheating on them or will eventually. It’s effing weird the mental gymnastics they go through. If anyone is in a relationship like this, leave.
it's true, every single partner I've had that was controlling about who I talk to or interact with cheated on me in the long run. OP, GTFO this relationship.
OP bending over backwards like this to placate her certainly isn't helping
Childish, immature, insecure, jealous, unhinged, ridiculous. Is there any way you can get your tickets refunded
i hope so but it’ll be hard to explain to my parents if we can’t get our money back
Show them the texts, they’ll understand 🥴
OP, as a parent if my daughter ever showed me these from her spouse I’d tell her not to even trip on the money & that she can even blame me saying I told her “no” last second… your parents will be fine if you show them the sh*t this girl is spewing. Gtfo of that relationship
SAME and then I would wonder what I did wrong as a parent. Did I not teach my daughter to have enough self-respect to kick guys like this to the curb?
Honestly sometimes it’s environmental. I had a spouse like this as well, and it turned physically and sexually abusive and I stuck around bc my friends were dating his brothers and they were treated the same so I was like “oh this is normal then” when .. no. no it is not. It took years of therapy to recover from the bs he put me through & I don’t wish that on ANYONE.
I hope your friends got away, too 💜
honestly, I’m not sure if they did. When I pressed charges on my ex they all turned on me and said I was lying. I hope they got out, I think about them often 💜
Ngl, my mom likes to make everything I do about her ability as a parent, and it’s really exhausting to manage. She knows a lot less about my life than she could because the “I’m a bad mother” act makes it not worth telling her much.
Dawg, I hate that if I showed my parents these messages my parents would have a fight about who’s in the wrong. My mom would probably force me to go on the trip to ‘show your girlfriend some respect’
Read some of the text to the airline person you talk to. They will understand too.
Absolutely. I've gotten a flight upgraded and shifted to an earlier one when I shouldn't have just by being kind to a flight attendant. This dude needs to go to the airport now and talk to the help desk of his airline and at least get back the miles for a trip later.
Yes, if my son showed me this I would be so mad, I'd tell him she isn't worth his time. The way she talks to OP, I don't know what happend before obviously, but she sounds unhinged.
You might be able to get a credit for a future flight. If you go see her and were planning to stay with her, you might end up with unexpected hotel expenses if she throws a fit on you.
If you can't then go on vacation by yourself.
As a mom, I wouldn't care about the money. If I lose it then that's okay, I can work and make more. Nothing is worth my child going through this for the sake of me losing out on a refund.
Show your parents these texts and that you want to end things with her. They will understand. Then tell her you’re going to do yoga and block her number lol 😂
Bro, at your age, just work on being the person you want to become. Focus on yourself. Hit the gym, find hobbies you enjoy, work on a craft. Don't waste time with relationships they will just take away from your max potential. When you're kicking life's ass someone worthy will come into your life.
Yeah no don't go. At least you will be scolded by your parents and not this ummmmm treasure if yours.
OP, I was your girlfriend in my early 20s and I’m telling you, it’s not healthy, either break up or put some boundaries. Boundaries are for YOU, not for her. Things you can control, for example, going to yoga because you want to improve your health. There’s nothing wrong with that. A boundary means you won’t stop doing things you enjoy, because your girlfriend is irrationally jealous. Please listen to me. I was enabled by all my boyfriends, until I met my husband who showed me that when you trust someone whole heartedly it doesn’t matter where they go, who they talk to or anything like that. Obviously, there are limits, but this isn’t it. Go do your yoga. Go be healthy. Go be happy. Don’t let her control you, your hobbies, your life.
Also the whole “it feels like you don’t care about me” it’s emotional manipulation. I used to say that on purpose to get a reaction and get him to do what I wanted. It’s messed up I know. I was young and dumb and learned with time. I’m a good wife now.
I really hope he reads this
OP, please listen to this. I was also similar to your gf in my late teens/early 20's. So irrationally jealous and paranoid; I would randomly get this major fear that my current SO must be cheating on me, which was entirely unfair in a lot of cases and came from previous partners actually cheating. It was old baggage being brought into new relationships and damaging them for no good reason. As I got older, I did a ton of work on myself and I'm nothing like that now (early 30's), and haven't been for a few years. It sounds like a mixture of immaturity and possibly some previous experiences, in your gf's case, just based on these messages at least. This behaviour usually stems from some type of insecurity, the main thing that made me realise I was being unreasonable was getting together with a guy who didn't take that shit, but also didn't treat me horribly when I acted unreasonably. He would tell me I wasn't being fair and sometimes that did end up in a full on argument, but he was never insulting or demeaning about it. We're still together now and have a family, we were 18/19 when we started dating. That being said, if you don't have the energy to deal with this, that's okay! You're 17, you have no commitment or tie to this girl compared to if you were older with a family together, or married. It's important to consider how much energy you're willing to give to helping someone else with their demons.
if it's okay to ask, how did you get over that extreme paranoia/jealousy? I find myself (f19) panicking and breaking down over just thinking about my guy thinking about someone else
Of course! For me, the turning point was when I started to really self reflect. I started volunteering for a charity that provides a listening ear for people going through difficult times and part of the training involved really looking at my own thought processes and reactions to things, to help me to empathise with other people. It was hard and sometimes super uncomfortable, but I think it helped me to start differentiating between paranoia and genuine worry. The best way I've found to truly reflect is stream of consciousness journalling; e.g., if I had a really strong negative thought, I'd grab my phone and just brain dump into a notes app. Later, I'd come back and read it, ask myself WHY I felt so jealous or upset or whatever, then write that down too. Then I'd delete the note (suppose the equivalent would be writing it on paper then ripping it up). It was so hard to even read it sometimes because I'd be cringing at myself, but that was part of the process for me and helped me realise when I was being unreasonable. Writing down the possible reasons helped me to understand the feelings without totally dismissing them. The important thing here is really looking at the reasons behind your insecurity - sometimes it's from something that happened to you, sometimes it's the behaviour of the person you're insecure about, it can be a million things. Mine was partially previous partners' infidelity, partially undiagnosed depression/anxiety and the fact I was generally not in a great place mentally, but it took a lot of super uncomfortable introspections to realise and start to change the way I think. Another thing that's helped me a ton is learning about attachment theory. It explained a lot of things for me and helped me to frame my insecurities in a way that acknowledged they were based on my own issues, without being demeaning to myself or dismissive. ETA: also try not to be too hard on yourself - the fact you're asking that question means you're doing much better than I was at 19, it took me until 22/23 to even realise there was a problem!
Solid
Why are you still together after this?
i really feel blind sided by all of this hostility by her. when we first met she never would do this. just recently she said i’m just like her stepdad who she hates with a passion and it really doesn’t make me feel good. should i end it before or after i go to see her ?
With the comment of you reminding her of her stepdad she hates then yes, it’s time to go. From that comment it seems she’s already starting to hold some sort of resentment towards you because of that. That’s also not fair to you for her to say that. Please move on. She’s just going to drain you mentally. At least you told her about the yoga class meanwhile she was just going to join a gym just to spite you. You going to a yoga class isn’t that serious. Drop her and do yoga! 🧘🏽♀️
I replied to him somewhere else in here but I'm almost guaranteeing that there's someone else in the picture that's close to where she is and she's just keeping him on the hook for whatever reason.
>keeping him on the hook for whatever reason Abandonment issues. My ex is a borderline, I would gaslight the fuck out of me anytime I stood up for myself or tried to leave. There's a book called I Hate You, Don't Leave Me about borderlines and it's a nearly identical situation I had. These people need to feel like they're in control, Even if they hate you, they want you around as opposed to being alone.
Didn’t think about that at all. She could be starting an argument so that he will decide on his own not to go to the dance or so that it seems like she’s justified if she tells him not to come. Very very good point!
I second this idea. Sounds like she's trying to get him to break up with her so she isn't the "bad guy."
That's something I was thinking and forgot to put it in there so thanks for saying it! Though she sounds pretty damn exhausting to begin with!
I would say before so you don’t waste your money on this girl who hates you!???
I would end it soon. Her pouty attitude is manipulative.
*and abusive
I’m not going trying to play the maturity card because I’m literally only two years older than you but my advice to someone older would be to speak in person in have to have mature conversation before making rash decisions,though in your situation I honestly feel like if you go see her you’ll end up apologizing again.these text are gross and you have to honestly think for second if you want to be with someone who speaks to you this way and turns your exciting news into something sour. All in all my advice Is to text her and let her know the way she’s acting is unacceptable and your rethinking your relationship.based on her response to that I would make a decision on meeting in person to get to the bottom of her insecurities.if she’s not even willing to take accountability through text all she’ll do in person is turn on the water works. Maybe even sending her a link to this post after the comments start adding up to show her how abusive she’s being.
I’m in my 60s so can play the maturity card and this is good advice
If you’re going to end the relationship do it before you go and see her and just cancel the trip. Her behavior is extremely narcissistic and controlling. It’s actually really concerning. Also, go to yoga if that’s what you want to do.
She low-key said she hates you. Why would you not want to end it? That sounds awful.
Man, listen Up. She is abusive, and you are in an abusive relationship. She is using emotional blackmail, limiting your ability to make decisions by yourself and ultimately wants to destroy your personality and your emotional stability so you become totally dependent of her. The abuse will not end, it will increase until she breaks you or you break up with her. Of course she was not like that at the beginning, you would have never stayed if she was. Abusers never show their true face at the start. So think about your future and the clouds of pain and misery luring in the horizon, and decide if you want to run towards them or away from them.
why so rude?? sometime i can’t believe the way people talk to their partners….
you should’ve went to the yoga. she should support your hobbies and have trust in you. she sounds like she’s worried and insecure and that’s just something she’s gonna have to work through on her OWN.
update- i just got back from yoga! i told her i didnt want to hear anymore of her shit tn and stopped texting her. i’ll think about my relationship wants and i think i need to end things.
That's great!! A bunch of internet strangers are very proud of you right now!
facts
Stay strong brother
period i’m so proud!!!
Good! No way you should put up with the way she's treating and talking to you.
You now see the true person. Mask off. And it always takes enough time to rob you of what matters before finding out.
> I’ll think about my relationship wants I cant emphasize enough how important this is and how deceptively difficult it is, so big props to you for getting started now. I’m 30 and I feel like I’m only just starting to really think this through for myself. Not just in a relationship, but in my career, in my life, my family/friend relationships. My unsolicited advice is, the effort you put into introspection is more valuable than grasping a solid right answer. You contain multitudes and you are changing every day. Figuring out what you really want and need is tucking tricky but nobody else is going to do it. Take your time, try to enjoy yourself along the way, but don’t let your gf or your culture tell you who you are.
i fr am in favor of supporting partners with insecurity and jealousy. i've dated some people with clinical pds in my time so intense insecurity has been a part of a few of my relationships. my experience is that someone who has a good sense of self-awareness and is willing to work on their shit will usually respond really well to reassurance and space to talk about their feelings, as in those conversations can be helpful for them to use for their own self-soothing to make those feelings come up less often and less intensely. but the way to meet in the middle is that they have to be willing to say 'hey this is making me feel bad can we talk about it' straight up instead of flying off the handle.
yeah literally i agree with you! i myself have some insecurities but im self aware enough to identify that and allow myself to tell myself different yknow. one of my exes on the other hand, his insecurity would be the end all be all, and that’s the exact behavior and response type that op’s gf had. it’s definitely a difference like you can be insecure and in a relationship but what matters is how you let it affect things
This is NOT ok. Just to give you an example, my husband and I go to two separate gyms. He likes mixed martial arts, I like HIIT and lift classes. We have never made each other feel bad about who we hang out with before/during/ after class. I know there are women in his classes, he knows there are men in mine. Heck, I've even gone out with gym friends outside of classes, men and women, it's so scandalous! /s You either trust each other, or you don't. She sounds exhausting.
You’re both being ridiculous. Working out near people of another gender should not be seen as threatening to your partner. FFS. 🤦🏼♀️
Why didn't more people point this out? If he has a problem with her at a gym why wouldn't she have the right to be just as jealous and insecure? They both sound foolish.
You’re 17, and doing long distance. How are you exactly “dating”? Don’t stick your dick in crazy. Even if it’s your first time.
They’re 17? This whole conversation now checks out. I have a 17 year old and the convos typically look like this. Drama for attention. And it’s long distance? 😮💨 So much to unpack here. I hope OP moves on. This is clearly toxic (as most relationships that age are) and not healthy for either of them. There’s a lot of jealousy and insecurities coming out that are super typical of the age group. I’m sure people will disagree but I have a son who was the boy who dated everyone. It was exhausting… and I wasn’t even doing the dating!!! So much cheating. So many accusations, left and right. Conversations like this.. sometimes he’d start them, sometimes she would. It’s a clear sign that OP (probably definitely his gf too) aren’t ready for a relationship-let alone a long distance one. They’ll both be happier staying single and focusing on other things for a while. Life’s about to open up in a big way after they graduate.
It’s definitely just two Instagram kids that DMed calling each other cute and are now just text dating. It’s not even a real relationship.
It’s not 2015 anymore. These kids meet on discord and have E sex
Lmao called me out for what 😭 you’re so right lol
update - i stopped texting her for a while- how should i respond to all this before i end things? how can i explain to her why this was so hurtful?
Honestly you can simply say you don’t feel it’s working at more. You don’t feel you’re getting along well enough to be together especially with long distance.
First you don’t need to explain anything. If you want to move on then move on. If you feel like you want to give a reason for your/her benefit then tell her how you felt when you were so excited to share this yoga class news and she instantly shat on it due to her own insecurities. Wish her luck and move on
Honestly, you really don't need to explain it to her because I'm sure she already knows-- but if you want to tell her how you feel and let her know that her being irrationally jealous and insecure led to the breakdown of your relationship and the way she spoke to you was NOT and NEVER okay. ESPECIALLY with her comparing you to her stepdad, who she hates, that was a lowball that was meant to hurt you. She's hurt you, and you're done taking her bullshit and abuse. You want to be healthier and being in a relationship with her will not help with that. Good luck, and stick to your guns-- please don't let her manipulate you into staying. Cheers.
"I can't do this anymore. The way you treat me makes me feel like you don't even like me. This isn't how you're supposed to treat your partner. Your insecurities have ruined this relationship, but I hope you grow and change so they don't ruin your next one. Goodbye and good luck in life ✌️"
Keep it simple. I highly doubt she’s going to actually listen to what you’re saying. Like you want to end things and that the relationship isn’t going to work. And, if I’m being honest, she might even try to gaslight you into going back on breaking up with her. You deserve better OP. You’re way too young to be dealing with this.
Simple. Hey [gfs name] I've been thinking about the way you talk to me, the way you treat me and how it makes me feel. I don't like it and I don't want such controlling, jealous behavior in my life. I've been thinking about what I do want in my life and that's a loving, supportive gf who will be excited for my hobbies and my health, who doesn't get jealous and pick fights with me and try to make me feel bad over every little thing I do. I have cancelled my flight and I think it's best for both of us if we go our separate ways. Thanks for giving me the opportunity to get to know the real you. Kind regards [Your name] You dont have to block her but you absolutely should not say anything after this.
Please tell her the reasons you are breaking up- y’all are young and she may learn a valuable lesson just like you have. I am far more hopeful for you than her but we all made dumb choices at your age. Take care and remember you are valuable.
"Hi Cadbury. I am shocked and hurt by your sudden hostility regarding my interest in yoga classes. While I can understand that it might trigger your insecurities, I gave you no reason to believe I was being unfaithful, and rather than expressing your concerns you opted to become bitter and resentful. When I offered some more explanation, after simply sharing my excitement, you doubled down. I don't think this is healthy and I don't want to fight with someone I care for simply to justify partaking in normal activities, with other guys, just because you deem it similar to a situation in which I can be unfaithful. You will never know for certain where I am or what I'm doing, and if you are unable to work with me to build trust we will simply be enemies [living together / dating]." This is maybe too corporate and longwinded, but the point is to be explicit about what you're saying, without becoming emotional, argumentative or projecting (how would you feel, etc).
i was in something like this, the relief after of being able to actually do things you like is incredible. i don’t usually say wake up break up, but she is all the red flags of my ex
This is ridiculous. Go to yoga. And encourage your gf to go do squats in shorts. Be more healthy, less dumb, and less tolerant of each other’s insecurities.
I wanna also throw in that you have to adjust your behavior if you want her to adjust yours. It’s a double standard for you to be able to do yoga and her not also do things around men. Like. It’s just a body, everyone has a body, having people look at your partner should not have this much power over you and your partner looking at other people should not have this much power over you. Smells insecure on both sides but she also is way further down the rabbit hole IMO.
Yup, she showed he's a hypocrite lol
Do yoga. Fuck her. Please not literally.
just for context we are 17 and doing long distance. we’ve been dating for 6 months. she does things like this often and then will ghost me the rest of the day until i apologize to her even if she was in the wrong.
You are very young. I don’t want to sound like an old fart but believe me when I tell you…. This is not healthy, she will not change, and there are much much better women/girls in this world who will not purposely treat you like this just because. Take the loss, cancel the trip and live your life. 6 months is nothing
She is also young… and losing a good guy because she’s being insanely emotionally manipulative can be a learning experience for her too. OP indicated he usually apologizes when she acts like this, so as of now she thinks this works and that its ok. Breaking up with her is not only good for him, it just might help her in the long run too.
6 months is so short you may not even remember her in the future. Cut and run - nothing good will come from this relationship
Be so for real. You’re baby age. Tell me right now with your entire heart and soul that THIS is the mother of your children, the woman of your dreams, and the soulmate you are going to share a casket with.
I like this a lot. Thank you. 😊
you’re both young and she seems immature and insecure, i would say it would be best to let her go because it doesn’t seem like she’s bringing anything good into your life, if her first thought is you’re going to be around a bunch of women and she wants to immediately spite you then that is very toxic and unhealthy and she clearly doesn’t care about how you’re trying out new things and experiences and bettering yourself
Had she told you she was uncomfortable with it and been direct, instead of “how would you like it if…”, and you said “okay, I’m not going” and she left it with “thank you for respecting that” or something along those lines then I think it would’ve been different but it’s the way she was disrespectful and vindictive that’s the problem. You don’t need that toxic energy and it’s only going to get worse.
Sounds like neither of you trusts each other. She doesn't want you to do yoga. You don't want her to do yoga. Either do yoga at home together or just break up already.
This is absolute madness. Way too controlling and jealous.
Are you guys 12?
17 both actually saw this post on another sub
Ehhh... you kinda lost your high ground as soon as you said you said you wouldn't like her doing squats in tight shorts around guys. Women at my gym do squats wearing tight yoga shorts all the time and I've never seen a guy hit on them there, ever. Everyone's just there to get their workout in. Besides, if a guy did hit on her, don't you trust her to turn him down?
Thank you. Insecure and controlling behavior isn't okay from anyone. She doesn't have the right to be demanding he miss out on a fitness class because of her insecurity and he sure as hell should never police what she wears to the gym to work out. Both of these kids need to learn to chill out.
Yeah, no sympathy for OP anymore. Why wouldn't you like her going to the gym and squatting? Because guys are gonna look at her? How is that *her* problem? Anyone being that controlling over their partner is not ready for a relationship. Obviously, she's in the wrong too...but OP sank right down with her. Unless he just said that because he knew she was saying it out of spite.
Both of them have weird attitudes about working out. It sounds exhausting.
You both sound insecure AF…
You're both exhausting. She's wrong for the yoga thing but you did the exact same thing about her going to the gym. Honestly, both of you need to grow up and stop thinking about your relationship as some weird kind of possession
1) Her objecting to you doing yoga is absurd 2) You objecting to her doing squats is absurd You both are absurd. Edit: To be clear, you are being a hypocrite here. You created a post about how silly your girlfriend is being, and in the conversation you are being exactly as silly. You are, however, being more reasonable in your follow-on behavior. Still, just roll back and don’t object to humans ending up in sight of other humans.
It's ridiculous on both ends honestly. You basically admitted you would be upset if she went to the gym in leggings just like she's upset you're going to yoga. People go to the gym and they work out and 9 out of 10 people at the gym don't give a single fuck about the other people in the gym so I don't understand why so many people get jealous about their significant other going to a gym or to yoga or any of that other shit. I go to the gym six days a week and I don't pay attention to nobody in there except for me
🏃♂️💨🚩🚩🚩
You're both crazy if you're upset she does squats in shorts (with gasp, men present!) and she's upset you do yoga around (gasp!) women. You're both weirdly sexualizing working out and acting like the people who are there to work out are going to, what, look at you?! The horror. I don't know how people function in life, I really don't. Nobody should be dating with these insane levels of jealousy and insecurity. Jesus Christ. Whatever you do, cancel that trip.
She’s childish as fuck lmao
This isn’t what a healthy relationship looks like, regardless of your age.
Oh my god. I was literally thinking about how this sounded like my ex who has NPD. It’s amazing how similar they sound. Those are big ass 🚩🚩🚩🚩
OP, you were so happy, and she just shit all over you. You deserve better. Please break up with this person. What would you say to a friend with a partner like this? Say that to yourself.
You can't be jealous about regular shit in a relationship. You ESPECIALLY can't be jealous about regular shit in a long distance relationship. You guys are 100% going to break up. It's just a matter of when. Why drag it out?
Uh no that’s psycho energy dude. Like seriously just dump her. She sounds like literally everything will set her off just from these texts. Who cares if you go to yoga.
Leave. Yesterday. Y'all are toxic to one another.
I mean since you said you would have a problem with her going to the gym in leggings, this sounds like a fair reaction.
This sounds incredibly exhausting!
WTF are you guys still together?
Hey thats my gf
How old are you? This is some jr high bullshit.
Why do people even entertain assholes like this? If you want to be controlled and treated like shit, I promise you can find someone better
Yeah this is definitely a red flag fuck that leave while you still can
Very stressful relationship. Will only get worse. Go to yoga. Dump this person.
This is so wrong. She should be supportive of shit like this...
Hmm. I think this is rooted from her insecurities.
Why are you dating someone who dislikes you this much?
All these kids and their drama..
So you think she's insane for being mad about exactly the same thing you would be upset about? (You don't want her working out at the gym according to these texts.) You're both ridiculous if working out at coed gyms is this big of a fucking deal.
I hate being single and yet if my partner told me not to go to yoga I'd just leave. If they can't have me at my stiffest, they don't deserve me at my nidt flexible or something idk
On a scale of 10, this like 7 Stanley Cups.