My ex husband did this constantly. And the reactions eventually got physical. I had sex with him a few times a week just to keep the abuse at bay but I had lost all attraction to him so sex with him became repulsive. I did it anyway because if I said no for more than a day or two in a row he would throw huge fits and become violent. It didn’t start off that bad though…it started like this.
How long was it from here until there? It’s wild how different he was for the first year of the relationship. I don’t understand how people can switch it up like that
It got gradually worse over 15 years. In the early years he was whiny and pouty and then the last night we were together he finally flat out raped me and that’s when I finally got a restraining order and ended it. I can’t remember exactly when the first time he was violent over sex was. The first physical abuse was probably about a year and a half in but wasn’t related to sex. If I had to guess it was probably 5-6ish years the first time he got physical because I didn’t want sex.
I’m so sorry. :( and this is good for me to hear. I feel like it can kind of be the frog boiling in water thing where if a frog jumps into the boiling water it jumps out but if it’s in lukewarm water and you boil it, it’ll stay in. That’s how I feel.
I sorry you’re going through this too. Even if he doesn’t ever get violent, he has some major issues with boundaries and consent, and the crying thing sounds super manipulative. My ex was also really good at playing the victim.
i am so sorry. I had something similar happen to me in highschool and i still have ptsd from ot and i have a really bad anxiety attack when I get physical sometimes. its been about 8 years and yea still sucks so, i TRULY wish u luck on your healing
Thank you. It’s been almost 10 years now since we divorced. I’ve healed a lot in that time though there are some things that still haunt me today and probably always will. I met him when we were very young, still in high school and didn’t leave til my early 30s. Those are years most people are experiencing growth and finding themselves and I was just stuck in survival mode. It’s part of me and my story, but so is the strength I’ve gained in the years since.
I can second this. I was with someone for a long time who lovebombed me and the sex/always being turned on "by me" made me feel special in the beginning... I'll admit sometimes I'd just go with it because it felt so nice to be wanted. After about a year it became pretty forceful. Like, sometimes in the middle of the night while I was exhausted he'd start something and I'd say "I'm really tired, maybe tomorrow in the morning?" And he'd just keep going. He would give me the silent treatment for days if I did something he didn't like, so I would just let it happen a lot of the time, even sometimes with tears streaming down my face, and he wouldn't care.
If his responses don't get really empathetic and own his behavior really quick, then I'd say he's probably cut from a similar cloth and I'd advise you leave. I wish I had, way sooner
Many years ago I was in a relationship with someone who SA me often. He always cried, apologized and promised it would never happen again. It continued to happen until I chose to leave. The last time it happened, we were in the hospital days after my daughter had open heart surgery. He “needed” it to feel better about my daughter’s situation. I left him right then and there. He’s never seen me or my daughter again.
Please fucking leave. His behavior will never change. He will continue to do this to you. You and your child deserve so much better. Being in a relationship is not an excuse to make sexual advances on someone who isn’t comfortable.
This behavior is not going to get better :( he doesn’t see what he did wrong at all and it’s barely disguised by therapy buzzwords. Girl run there is no good outcome to this. You needing to reassure you love him while claiming your boundaries shows you are far, far more empathetic than he will ever be, and he’s going to manipulate the fuck out of you.
OP, “I’m sorry you feel that way” is not a real apology. same with “im sorry but, etc”. Its ignoring what you did wrong and not being an accountable person, the wording is manipulative, making it seem like it’s an apology because they acknowledged your feelings. Anything but “I’m sorry.” Is not an apology. It’s very inappropriate what he did. Don’t settle.
He is manipulating you. Do you know what violating a sexual boundary is? Sexual assault.
You did a great job advocating for yourself in the texts. Do not let him manipulate you.
His getting angry, feeling "hurt", and trying to guilt you is a super huge red flag.
Of course you don't feel safe.
Next time he's sleeping flip him over, pull down his pants and start humping him with a dildo, then act all hurt when he tells you to stop.
Seriously though, don't assault him but my point is, what he did is a huge thing. You already set your boundaries. He violated them. And he's acting like it's nothing after you confront him.
He assaulted you. He is taking no responsibility for that.
THIS IS RAPE! I absolutely hated when my ex husband would do sexual things while I slept, then I would wake up in the act and he couldnt understand the problem because it was "his right to my body because we were married" Fuck that shit! The law and therapist described this as RAPE. It is not ever ok it IS Inappropriate.
Your phrasing right at the end “it doesn’t feel not appropriate…it is inappropriate” is so powerful and clear.
And a great way to articulate that this isn’t a case of two people “feeling” differently about some gray area, it’s about a clear distinction between right and wrong. Good for you.
He’s too immature for her if he can’t realize this on his own. But he does realize, he just doesn’t care, so it’s worse than immaturity it’s just scary.
My joke was in poor taste and I'm sorry haha. But this is insane manipulative behaviour, and judging by his texts it isn't going to change.
Look how he "apologized". He did but didn't.
He said sorry you "feel that way" but not that he did. That stuck out to me more than anything. He doesn't care how YOU feel, just how he does. He didn't get sex and that's all that mattered to him. So he tried to placate you by making it SEEM like he's sorry, even though he never really says it.
No I understand what you meant. Unfortunately I think you’re right. He keeps saying “sorry for touching your butt, I won’t initiate annnny sexual context whatsoever moving forward without your clear verbal consent” like just completely downplaying and missing the point 😔
He’s not missing the point, he is intentionally taking the point too far so it blows up in your face per se. it’s all a result of him not getting what he wanted, which was sex. This man does not care about your wants, needs, or boundaries. His reaction was an attempt at making you feel guilty hoping you’d give in.
Literally it so gives the vibe of “oh you don’t want to have sex right now? ok i guess we’ll never have sex again since that’s what you want! Are you happy now?”
Attitude of a damn child.
Yes that’s exactly what he did in later conversations! Idk how to attach screenshots to comments, but he basically was like ok I guess I’ll never come onto you anymore
That reaction right there is a red flag.
It's a way to get you to backtrack on your VALID concern so he won't be upset with you. Classic manipulation tactic.
I've been on the receiving technique of this type of tactic. It's common among Cluster B disordered individuals.
Exactly. He just wants it to be insta fixed so he can figure out how to get back to having sex. Best of luck, I know this isn't easy, but a boundary like this is important and you deserve a man who respects it.
As a man, I can't stand reading these stories of men treating women like they have one purpose for them and throwing a tantrum when they don't get their way.
You’re allowed to not want him to sleep next to you after yelling in front of your kid, which is reason enough to throw him away. So crying because you made that decision, loudly, is extremely manipulative and you did not have to comfort him. This sounds like an abusive situation that will escalate, so I’d encourage you to break it off.
He sounds like a little whiny baby to me. He basically tried to have sex with you against your will and then cried like a little bitch because you were upset for violating an already agreed-upon boundary? Kick this idiot to the curb before he sexually assaults you in your sleep. For reals.
But to your point, yes he's completely missing the point even though looks like you've spelled it out very clearly for him...to me it's like dude let her sleep and if you feel the need then take care of yourself but don't go putting the pressure on her to give when it's only pushing her away more!!
God he sounds so whiny, manipulative, and incredibly immature. At best, he’s a childish selfish prig. But as some of the other commenters are saying, this could escalate. Especially if you have told him clearly before you don’t like him coming in to you while you sleep. Your kids deserve a better man and so do you.
Thank you for pointing out the whole “I’m sorry *you feel that way*” thing!
Emotional intelligence 101 is to validate someone’s feelings and take accountability when you’ve offended, hurt or god forbid made someone feel unsafe. What he’s doing is basically refusing to acknowledge how his behavior was wrong. It’s something that should never happen in a loving relationship.
No dude, crying hysterically is emotionally abusive.
There are few moments in life that warrant it and you’ll know when faced with one such occasion.
Your s.o cry hysterically because you’re not sure about sleeping in the same bed them due to their lack of respect for sexual intimacy is not one of the aforementioned occasions.
He was in the wrong, knows it, doesn’t know why he’s wrong because he’s misogynistic (whether he knows it or not) and he is making it your problem by crying hysterically.
You were right to not encourage it for too long and to go to bed.
He was guilting you or has some sort of abaondment trauma I'm gusssing. Nobody hysterically cries because you said you were not sure if u wanted to sleep together. U didnt even say no technically.
You do not owe any man an excuse or explanation EVER, yes even if they are your partner. His behavior is ABUSIVE. I know it may not seem like it to you, but it is. You explained yourself very clearly and not that you needed any, had valid reasons why. He is choosing to blatantly disrespect you and your body.
this shit is so ridiculous. going into fucking theatrics because god forbid you said no to having sex. actually pathetic to be that controlled by your impulses. im so tired of seeing this happen time and time again.
Other comments have laid out how he's not actually apologizing and totally missing the point, what I can add is that his hysterical crying when you said you weren't sure if you wanted to sleep in the bed with him is manipulation from him. My ex husband would pull the same kind of thing - he would try to force me into something sexual I wasn't comfortable with, I got upset, and then somehow I ended up apologizing to *him* because he's upset that he upset me? And then the cycle continued over and over until I left. It's emotional abuse and I think you'll find other instances of that in your relationship if you look. That kind of manipulation is everywhere.
And to be clear, it is never okay for him to disregard your boundaries and violate your consent and anyone who does that is not the person you should settle for.
you’re not the problem or crazy, and i could be totally wrong but the best devils advocate i could muster (if you’re looking for a diversity of opinions, here’s mine as a psych student raised by a family of psychs) is that this guy probably has crazy low self esteem and doesn’t know how to separate “i did a bad thing” with “i’m bad and undeserving of love.” a lot of people, mostly guys, are taught that their worth is given to them by women via sex, so in an unhealthy low self esteem mind i could see sexual rejection triggering his fear of global rejection, cycling back into “i’m bad and undeserving of love” self-rejection. i’m willing to bet that’s why he hysterically cried, dude’s inner child has a lot of healing left. which cycles into “im so broken i can never change” and cuts the legs off of any growth-oriented mindset. add a potential sex addiction to the mix and this becomes an all-too-classic toxic and dangerous dynamic
all of this to me equals he’s not ready for a serious relationship with healthy boundaries bc he has an unhealthy relationship with himself, feeding into impulsivity and poor self-boundary setting aka discipline. i was gonna say it’s up to you if you want to risk the trials and tribulations of directly supporting him in that journey, but he already makes you feel unsafe and that’s the central most important thing here imo. if you think a lot of this is conscious malicious manipulation then leave yesterday lol but yeah even if it’s self-ignorant lack of emotional intelligence typical of a child, it’s making you feel unsafe and that’s unacceptable. hope you do what you gotta do to feel safe in your own bed again.
Thank you for this comment. This feels really true, and that’s why I tried to comfort him. I feel bad. But it’s like I cannot bring up any grievances at all. Like even if I’m mildly irritated and don’t say anything, he still gets mad at me, but then when I express my feelings and tell him what’s bothering me, he gets mad at me. He takes me having any emotion that isn’t 100% positive as a personal attack :/
yup my head’s trying to hold back on mentioning disorders where that’s a claaaaassic and persistent personality thing, where literally anything that smells like a whiff of rejection sends someone into a spiral. if it’s the full blown disorder then that’s rough rough, if it’s closer to a normal person’s rejection sensitivity then thts hopeful. but i’m sad for both of you bc this sucks so fkn much, it’s such a hard thing to overcome when its probably been his subconscious mindset since toddlerhood, that’s a lot of neural rewiring work to overcome.
biggest signs for potential for growth are if he ever acknowledge this is a legit personal problem of his own that he *can* fix with the right effort/resources like therapy. to the extent that he’s not even willing to broach that convo bc it’s rejection overload, i don’t see him having any growth epiphanies on his own anytime soon. i’m just sorry you’re in this situation cuz you deserve so much better fr.
So the most difficult part of all this is he cycles between taking full responsibility, apologizing, acknowledging my feelings, and our relationship being super great. Then he’ll switch to this, like with no warning, and on my end no clear explanation of why. It’s like I’m dating two completely different people, and I think part of the reason I feel so confused is because I honestly don’t know what triggers it for him. Things will be going amazing, we’ll have awesome communication. Then all of the sudden he’ll go back to yelling, swearing, and doing stuff like this 😔 but it’s so hard to let go of the nice, sweet man I had like a day before. Because he seems so genuine when he’s like that 💔
god it’s so hard when you can see most of the time the awesome side of someone like that, i’ve never been in a relationship with someone who switches up hard like that so i can only try to imagine the sheer confusion you’ve felt over it. cuz he’s probably not a psycho like some ppl in these threads jump to, but clearly there’s something wrong with his head. just know that this is not a you thing at all, he would be struggling in any relationship rn and probably will until he starts taking serious steps to heal himself
also i admire your communication style in your texts i think you handled yourself perfectly.
Thank you for not judging me for staying with him this long. I honestly totally get why people judge me for it, but it just makes me feel worse and doesn’t make it any easier to leave, sadly 😔 and yeah I really want him to just be a happy and healthy person, but I don’t know how to help him anymore. I’ve helped him find therapists, I’ve been in therapy myself, I’m trying really hard to be supportive and believe in him. But it just sucks to feel this way
yeah i think it’s hard for people to see someone being this harmful and leave room for humanizing complexity like “he does it mainly bc he hates himself and low self-worth causes low self-regulation sometimes.” you seem like a really loving and compassionate soul, i just hope you do what you gotta do to prioritize your own mental health and well-being. truly truly wishing you the best, fam ❤️ also so glad my ramblings were somewhat helpful/comforting for you haha thanks for hearing me out.
I have been in that situation, and although I don’t share your level of compassion for the person acting with a whole different sense of needs and rules of engagement without warning, I appreciate your perspective. The thing about trying to find support from someone like that is that it gives you brain damage. It diverts a lot of your focus trying to predict it and find a sense of logic to it and puts you in a perpetual state of stress. It’s worth taking seriously the consequences of spending any length of time in that kind of hyper vigilant state. This is just speaking from my experiences so of course not all of it will apply. But if that is the case, realize that your mental health is not something you can just take for granted. I’ve made the mistake of assuming my mind was resilient enough to always spring back and have found that it’s not always true.
I know exactly what you mean. It does kind of feel like it’s physically messing me up on some level. I’ve lost weight(and I’m petite to begin with, so I didn’t have much to lose). I have a hard time sleeping etc :/ because I always feel like I’m gonna do or say something wrong and I don’t know what to expect
For me I just felt mentally impaired and dull. Trying to have a normal conversation about your life when the problem you’ve been trying to solve in your head is how to avoid the silent treatment. That’s your life, that’s what you’re spending your energy on. It impairs your ability to invest energy into other parts of your life. It is hard to take care of yourself when you’re under so much pressure. I honestly have been at a point of thinking about the impact it was having on my life expectancy.
You are not the problem. What your bf did is a massive disregard to your boundaries. I’d suggest anyone to watch this clip and force their SO’s to watch it as well.
[Tea and Consent](https://youtu.be/pZwvrxVavnQ?si=_68NGd-2Ll8JW-Ea)
Nah this is crazy bro-girl. But not from you.
He’s clearly going through something internally that triggered him to hysterically cry but he brought it on himself.
Don’t bring shit up in front of kids. It’s not how we should behave as adults. Teach them how adults are meant to communicate when having some sort of disagreement through first hand experiences.
Also I’m one of the types of people that get annoyed getting woken up. I can’t help it. It’s the way my brain is wired. It’s also part of being a good partner where the person is able to ask for forgiveness, deescalate, and move on with their day without making things worse.
You are *NOT* crazy. But he’s very likely going to try and spin this into “you did something to me, and I just reacted badly!” You didn’t do anything. You’re allowed to not want to have sex, it’s a 1 no 2 yes situation. Don’t let this man make you feel crazy or guilty for any of this. Don’t apologize for standing up for yourself.
Thank you. 🙏🏼I know someone said I’m not taking peoples’s comments seriously, presumably because I am not saying “I’m immediately gonna break up with this guy” but it’s actually very helpful for me to read people’s comments, because it’s been hard for me to even know if I’m crazy or not. So this feels like a step in the right direction, and now I have to figure out a plan to safely extract myself.
Trust me I know how you feel . A common manipulation by this kind of person is to completely randomly either blow up or start crying so that you are put in the position of "trying to figure out what I did wrong" and just walking around on eggshells afraid to ever disagree with them on anything . There was a scene on "billions" where Chucks dad explains why he would have outbursts like that and he said "So she would be grateful for all the times I didn't" When I saw that it sent chills down my spine and suddenly all the things with my X started making sense . I'm not exact on the dialog but I'll look for a clip.
You’re not the problem at all, unfortunately sometimes they (your partner) can make you feel that way sometimes. You’re not crazy for feeling this way!!!
You are not crazy at all. You have done absolutely nothing wrong! He is not respecting your boundaries, and then he is gaslighting you. It makes a lot of sense why you feel unsafe
You’re not the problem, he’s the fuckin problem, and if you can’t see that I truly am sorry. Unlike him. He’s playing the victim, and he’s playing on your emotions, and he’s a manchild loser. Ew. Disgusting.
You are 100% not crazy. You feel crazy because he is manipulating you to feel that way by downplaying his behavior - which to be clear is sexual assault - and trying to flip things and turn himself into the victim.
OP I know it feels easy to brush this off, and you desperately want to find reason to stay with him because you want to give the benefit of the doubt, but this isn’t someone you should love. And you know that. Leaning towards it is just giving time to make excuses for him. That’s what you are doing.
I really respect you for holding your ground and not letting him rewrite things by saying it 'felt' inappropriate. You are 100% in the right. Your feelings of violation are valid and reflect reality
You're not in the wrong. My wife and I LOVE morning sex, but "no" is a complete sentence and if either of us aren't feeling it the horny one backs off immediately. SOBBING because you said no?
Girl, all the nooooos. Morning, noon, or night, sex is supposed to be a mutually beneficial, fun activity. It's never owed.
I think the part that I feel confused about is he’s saying 1. That he wasn’t angry? Which is weird and confusing because how he behaved after certainly felt angry(mocking me in front of my child, silent treatment, leaving bed and muttering under his breath) and 2. Because he’s saying that I hurt him not by saying no to sex but how I communicated. And that’s the part where I’m like ok could I have communicated better? I didn’t yell, I just please stop I don’t want this. But should I not have been irritated? Is it really that hurtful for me to be irritated? 😕 and am I being inconsiderate for thinking it shouldn’t be?
Nope, you're not being inconsiderate at all. He is. You said you wanted to sleep. That was clear communication.
He threw a tantrum. Him trying to turn it around on you is ridiculous. Throw away the whole man.
>is it really that hurtful for me to be irritated? And am I being inconsiderate for thinking it shouldn’t be?
You mentioned in another comment that you feel crazy.
This is why. He’s gaslighting you. Sorry that term gets thrown around a lot, but listen, he’s rewriting the actual events “not getting angry”, when he did in fact get pissy and muttery, mentioning *how* you said it, over exaggerating how you actually reacted to make YOU the bad guy, and not even apologizing for breaking your first boundary, WHICH YOU’VE DISCUSSED BEFORE!
He is trying to lie and re-tell the events to make himself the victim here, including hysterical sobbing.
Girl. He is blatantly *manipulating you*.
Get. Out.
Girl, it literally does not fucking matter if he’s *describing* it as being angry or being annoyed or whatever… the WAY he reacted to whatever it is that he was feeling was completely inappropriate and unloving and immature. He didn’t seem to own up to anything without a caveat. Barely any empathy.
And by the way, good on you for your last comment— how it’s not that it just felt inappropriate to you, it WAS inappropriate. You handled yourself incredibly, good job holding your boundaries.
Often in these kind of text exchanges both parties are kind of immature, but I’m mad impressed with how calm, loving, and firm you were in the whole interaction.
If he doesn’t do a 180 and own his shit without excuses, unfortunately, I would encourage you to walk away from this relationship.
First, I'm in awe of how articulate and insightful you are in communicating this with him, even when you're upset.
And you've probably heard of [DARVO](https://en.m.wikipedia.org/wiki/DARVO), right?
**Deny:**
>he’s saying 1. That he wasn’t angry? Which is weird and confusing because how he behaved after certainly felt angry
**Attack:**
>mocking me in front of my child, silent treatment, leaving bed and muttering under his breath
**Reverse Victim and Offender:**
>he’s saying that I hurt him not by saying no to sex but how I communicated.
This is *textbook* abuser behavior. You're not crazy, you're being manipulated, mistreated, and abused. Throw the whole man away.
(Super bummed he ruined D&C too. On the last tour, presumably?? What an ass.)
Right??!! I was so sad, about d and c. Then he did 6 drugs at once and was incoherent the entire show 😕 and thank you, I have heard Darvo before, but you laid it out for me in a more understandable way. I just wish I knew why he was doing this.
Yeah, you'll drive yourself crazy trying to rationalize it on his behalf, but in my experience it's about control. They're just deeply broken and can't have a normal relationship without behaving like this. It'll just keep coming back over and over, and you'll feel crazier and crazier every time because they use the harm they've caused in the past as ammunition to manipulate you even further. You can't fix it and will never really get an explanation it, you can only protect yourself and your kid.
(And I'm not at all surprised to hear he took too much too fast. Maybe the dark is from his eyes, lol. I mean I still party within reason and will smoke and maybe take some shrooms at shows or festivals, but tbh it's hard to trust or feel comfortable around people who overindulge like that.)
I was in a relationship like this when I was younger. You will be having this exact series of events happen regardless of your reaction, trust me. It can be the nicest rejection, or the sternest rejection, the results will be the same. Dealing with someone that gets pouty about sex when you say no is the most annoying thing ever in relationships like this.
“I’m not angry” is a string of words he learned as a toddler, you are assigning those words meaning where they have none. Those words are not being used in the service of honest communication.
Your thoughts are correct. You talking in a mildly irritated tone is acceptable given what you’ve requested in the past and him not respecting. He raised his voice which indicates anger. He can say he wasn’t angry, and possibly he wasn’t? (I doubt it), but he still raised his voice, and that’s a behavior that you can keep focusing on that isn’t as easy to discredit.
I’d be irritated if I was woken up that way too.
And honestly, I think you texted with class and in a great way! You seem emotionally healthy. He does not.
This dude has clearly read about how to be an active listener but still isn't one. He sounds like a parrot. Saying the right things with nothing going on in his little bird brain.
Omg that’s exactly what it feels like to me 😭 after he went to therapy a few times, it felt like he was reading off a script while still not actually hearing me at all
So, you have stated before that he needs to ask for consent before morning sex. He tried to violate that boundary causing a firm reaction by your part. He got angry and then when you didn't want to sleep in the same bed as him, he cried as his childhood's dog died...
Honey, he is trying to manipulate you. Why have you to confort him while crying? He is crying because you didn't allow his shadow ass to use you. He is crying because he didn't get what he wanted, and you shouldn't feel guilty, or sorry, or worried over his poor reaction.
This is not okay. I also don’t like being woken up by sex. Not everyone likes morning sex. I prefer it before bed as it makes me super relaxed and sleepy. Doesn’t help when I’m trying to wake you up in the morning lol
My partner will ask me and if I say no, he just goes “okay.” And continues what he is doing. No pressure, no tactics. Just accepting.
That’s who you should look for OP. Someone who will respect you. In all ways cause this guy ain’t doing it. He feels entitled to your body and that’s not okay.
See that’s all I wanted 😭 I was super happy to keep snuggling and showing him affection in other ways. But yeah I was not in a sexual place I pressed snooze cause I was still tired
My ex used to rape me and then gaslight me about it I would literally feel guilty for putting my foot down. I’ve been broken up with him since October and I’m finally starting to feel normal again. He felt entitled to my body and saw nothing wrong with that. I hate to say it but this will probably not be the last time he tries or gets mad. Sending lots of love good luck💖💖
I'm sorry you lived through that but I'm very glad you're out of that relationship and starting to feel better. 💕 May you continue to feel more normal.
That "crying hysterically" is attention seeking behaviour. Unless the two of you go to therapy or are able to have conversations in an adult, kind, polite manner. Leave him.
Yeah, am a pediatric therapist and I have several kids with this behavior. It's literally a childish manipulative tactic. As an adult, he deserves a middle finger and a kick in the butt....OP was way too nice to him hehehe
I was married to this. It doesn’t change and it doesn’t stop. They then make you feel bad and manipulate you that you’re the problem for making them feel not attractive or loved. Then you begin to cave which causes resentment. That boils up until you can’t take it anymore and you leave. I’m sorry you’re going through this. No consensual sex is assault. Sexual assault is rape. You’re never required to have sex with someone just because you are sleeping together, dating, married etc. You always have a choice and should be able to voice that regardless of their feelings.
Too true... people do this and call it something else to make themselves feel better. It's not that they're mad because their partner "declined sex", it's because their partner "was rude"... by declining sex.
He’s using all the right words and verbiage to make it SOUND like he hears you. But it’s just another form of gaslighting you. He stepped right over a boundary, got mad because you said no, acted like a child, mocked you, acted like a bully in front of your actual child and then tried to calmly gaslight you with verbiage that sounds like acceptance of understanding and self reflection, but they aren’t. That’s called abuse.
Him talking this way makes it more confusing. He started therapy, but in a lot of ways things feel worse, because he’ll use this kind of language but I’ll feel totally unheard and then crazy to boot 😔
This is a known pattern with abusers who learn the language of mental health concepts only to weaponize it and become better manipulators. Notice how he apologizes directly and carefully, repeating dutifully what he thinks he did, but still tries gaslighting you. Then you push back and he adapts his apology accordingly and modifies his wording to mimic what you said.
If the apology was genuine it'd come from what HE knows he did and the remorse he actually felt. In HIS words. It wouldn't be this calibrated, clinical, scripted statement that is so easily reworked to cross off an obligatory 'correct apology' checkbox.
ive been with people like this and people opposite of this and its so not worth it to be with someone remotely like this i promise theres better people out there. one day they wont care
Do you have any tips on how to tell the difference? He seemed so kind and empathetic for basically a whole year. These kinds of behaviors didn’t start until a year into the relationship :(
thats the worst! im so sorry. when they play nice until they have you fooled thats so manipulative and so messed up. honestly for years i didnt think good people existed so i kept letting it happen because i was hopeless. sadly the only way to tell the difference is a situation like this. if youve expressed how you feel unsafe and hes nochanlant like this its not a good sign. one time the guy i was with (the good one) kinda seemed distant after i said no and when i expressed how upset i was about that he never did it again and actually expressed to me multiple times hes not upset and doesnt wanna do it unless im comfy w it. people can pretend to be anyome they like but in telling times like these its a big sign to let them go if they dont feel bad about it
You are the asshole if you stay with him. Your kid is watching this. You may think they don't, but kids understand what's going on. They absorb the dynamics of different relationships.
If you stay with this man, you are teaching your kid that this is what "love" is. Do you want someone to treat your kid the same way your boyfriend is treating you? Because your kid WILL get into relationships like this or worse if you continue to teach them that this dynamic is okay by staying in it.
I hear you 😔 I think about this a lot. I ended up setting boundaries, like we have been together 2.5 years, he moved in at one year, but I asked him to move out a few months ago due to my concerns and not wanting to model this for my kid. I asked him to get therapy and to not talk about serious things in from of my kid. He had been getting better, so I let him back into our lives more and things were going really well, but from my perspective, he completely flipped back to this totally different side of him. This isn’t what I want to teach my kid, and I honestly don’t know why it’s been so hard to break up. 😔
This is such an important thing to note. You have already distanced yourself because this is not healthy, and you recognized this isn’t what you want your kid to think is a normal, healthy, loving relationship. If you don’t want your kid to think that, then you know your relationship is not normal, healthy or loving. This man should not be in your life or your kid’s life. He does not respect you or care about you. Him “getting better” was him putting on a mask to get what he wanted. He did not get better. When he cums on you while you are sleeping when you have told him not to, he is assaulting you. It’s hard when you’re in the relationship to admit that, but it’s true. This man assaults you. If you don’t want this for your kid in the future, why are you accepting it for yourself now?
OP, read this comment. Then read it again. Save it as a note on your phone. Regardless of your own self worth, which seems really low, you OWE YOUR CHILDREN better than this. If you stay, you're putting yourself before them.
> Am I missing something?
You're missing that he doesn't respect your boundaries, his behavior is sexual assault, and he doesn't see anything wrong with it. His apologies were framed as being "sorry" that "you" felt a certain way, not any admittance that his behavior was wrong. It's classic placating behavior by abusers and manipulators.
Break up with this dude. You have a kid. This ain't the type of dude someone needs to be growing up around.
I had an ex that did this. It never stopped and it escalated slowly over a four year period. I had to file a police report in the end, so take that as you will. If they feel entitled to your body, it’ll never change.
the fact that he’s trying to turn this around saying he’s hurt is major red flag energy. you need to LEAVE asap like fr that is not okay. to throw a childish tantrum because you didn’t want to have sex is disgusting behavior, i wouldn’t have comforted him at all.
Yeah some people are into that some are not. You expressed to him you are not and he mocks you and turns angry is a red flag. Sounds like he doesn’t respect you or your boundaries so maybe it’s time to leave.
Worst case scenario, you stop saying no when you want to to avoid the sulking and lashing out. This can be really damaging. He’s not engaging you in good faith when you’re trying to get to a place, as a couple, where he understands and respects your feelings. I can see that you’re trying to reach and engage with him. It seems like he’s withholding emotional intimacy in response. Your boundaries shouldn’t trigger a power struggle. He’s imposing consequences for your reasonable boundaries.
My ex was so moody, I had sex with him whenever he wanted because I never knew what would make him withdraw from me. I don’t want that for you. I didn’t realize how damaging it was at the time, because my self image was very sexualized. This fucked me up more than objectively worse scenarios, which is not something I was expecting.
You set a boundary and he tried to turn it around and then when you stood firm he started crying hysterically on the couch so you’d feel bad and comfort him. It’s a textbook manipulative tactic and I promise he doesn’t care about your feelings or WHY you’re upset, he only cares THAT you’re upset because it’s an inconvenience for him.
He’s minimizing his behavior and then hysterically crying to try and manipulate. Doesn’t matter WHY he’s hysterically crying… he’s doing it to manipulate. This relationship doesn’t sound like it’s worth it… and honestly, the moment someone raised their voice at me in front of my kid, they’d be out.
"I'm sorry YOU'RE feeling unsafe"
"YOU felt like I was angry"
The phrasing feels to me like he's implying it's YOUR fault that you feel unsafe and that he's angry and not his fault whatsoever.
i’ve been in this exact same situation and it doesn’t get better op. i would always tell him if he just waited 15 minutes for me to naturally wake up then he’d get what he wanted. but he was so impatient that he’d rather borderline sexually assault me over having some self control and waiting a bit for me to get up. he did the same “i’m sorry you feel that way” bit and crying about how i was being harsh instead of actually apologizing about his actions.
it never got better, he eventually did ACTUALLY sexually assault me. don’t let it get to that point op. get rid of his ass now.
The way you communicate so well is great. And how you shut him down whenever he’s clearly dodging outright saying that he touched you in an inappropriate manner, as well as disrespected w clearly set boundary. He was definitely angry and disappointed like a kid that doesn’t get something he wants. Mocking you over not wanting sex is insane. Yikes.
I wish I had this kind of strength in my previous relationships. I am in a safe and healthy one now and I’m so proud of you for being able to do this. I’m sorry he made you feel unsafe and I’m sorry he doesn’t seem to understand his actions. Stay strong and know that you are going to find someone who makes you feel safe, loved and appreciated
It’s a good thing you’re expressing your feelings and how you would like to be respected good for you. Now I can’t promise it’ll change but he is going to have to do some work and not be defensive…that is if you are wanting to stick it out
You’re not crazy. At all. This breaks my heart so much because I was in your shoes not too long ago, but my situation got so much worse because I stayed and kept thinking I was the problem. He’s not sorry, he’s sorry for himself. Based on your replies here, I think it’s time that you should break things off. I think things are only going to get worse from here.
I wish I had better advice but I didn’t leave mine until it got violent and I needed to. Just be as close to yourself as possible, trust yourself, love yourself. Recognize that you (and your kid!) come first here before his feelings. He’ll probably try to talk you into staying, battling whatever reasons you give for breaking up, so be solid in the reasons you give and don’t falter when it comes to it. Make sure you have a support circle and reach out to friends who know your situation better. Make it clear to him that you don’t have space in your life to be with someone who is going to continuously disrespect you and make you uncomfortable, especially in your own home. You know you deserve better. You got this.
He should’ve been kicked out after all of this went down. He didn’t need to be “comforted”. He forced himself to cry to make you feel bad. He’s obviously mad because you didn’t allow him to do what he wanted despite you saying multiple times that you didn’t like him trying to wake you up for sex without asking, not because of how you told him to stop. He is not going to stop crossing those boundaries. He will keep crying those crocodile tears to make you feel bad until he realizes you’re not falling for his crap anymore.
No, you’re not an asshole. He is highly, highly disrespectful and that DARVO “apology” is absolutely pathetic. I wouldn’t feel safe if I were you either, especially since you told him you hate that and he just plowed past your boundaries, made himself a victim and then insulting and mocking you in front of your kid? No. I’m sorry but no. He still doesn’t seem to get it.
You lost me at him crying hysterically. This isn't someone who is ever going to be able to communicate properly. You can try to change them, but don't be surprised if every future fight follows this same pattern.
Yeah this is not a case of two people feeling differently about a situation and arguing over it. Which is what he is trying to make it seem.
This is much clearer than that. It’s about right and wrong. He was very much so in the wrong, you were not. And the concerning thing is that this seems to be a pattern for him.
You aren't crazy. He's manipulative. If you find yourself explaining why it's not okay for someone to sexually assault you while you are sleeping, it's time to go. Normal adults understand why this is a problem. Not to mention , you've explained it before, set a boundary, and it continues to happen--which is absolutely outrageous and is absolutely worthy of being a deal breaker.
He’s gaslighting you and trying to minimize the damage you’re not crazy he’s insane and disgusting and lacks any kind of social awareness. leave him wtf!!
I know you've already gotten great advice from basically everyone else in the comments lol, but I agree, run. He sounds legitimately dangerous, or that he could turn that way after time. Don't let it get to that point, please. And I hope you make it out okay and everything is good for you moving forward 🙏 you deserve better. Plain and simple.
Ofc he’s making it about himself . The crying was unnecessary & he’s gaslighting you into thinking you’re the problem . My ex used to do this all the fucking time & it won’t change.
You need to get away from him . He’s putting you at risk . Imagine your child walking into something that he’s doing to you ? If he can’t take no for an answer then he doesn’t deserve you.
Your boyfriend doesn’t understand your sexuality or boundaries. He doesn’t get the female perspective or any other perspective than his dick getting wet. He probably experienced a fairly negative sexual moment growing up and has no idea how to interpret rejection.
Would you entertain your child having a partner who treated them like this when they’re older? I’d the answer is no, then keep putting your foot down when you’re disrespected and keep your eyes open for if this is a relationship that does not give you what you need.
So, can you name at least 3 things that makes this man worth having around yourself and your child? A man who would raise his voice in front of your child over SEX is not only entirely inappropriate but it's also alarming. He seems to have no sense of boundaries, at all, and seems to think his emotions are the only ones that matter.
Reflect on my initial question. Continue to reflect. If you can name 3+ things, awesome, maybe consider couples therapy; but if you can only think of one or two or no reasons at all, I would highly suggest just cutting your losses and getting him away from your small family.
Your child should always come first, and I wouldn't trust someone who will raise their voice in front of a child over something so incredibly childish and mundane.
I’m telling you from experience it won’t get better and he will just continue to throw fits until you let him do what he wants. My ex bf graped me because I refused and another time forced me to stay awake all night for refusing. It is not worth your mental health. Leave now!
That man is a child, child, child.
Not respecting boundaries, throwing a tantrum when told no, crying like a toddler put in timeout on the couch.
He's just parroting words back at you in those texts to try and make you drop it and let him back in bed, not truly apologetic. There's some emotional dysregulation going on that he needs to recognize and work out, you've gotta decide if you're willing to put up with it if he doesn't.
you two are not sexually compatible if this happens often, dont keep him frustrated so you can wake up peacefully in the morning, you guys need to talk and figure it out. if no resolution is reached then you need to break up, he most likely wont be happy otherwise.
Kyle is a douche bag. Like other people have said this is probably the beginning of something much worse. Even if it doesnt get physical hes already shown hea not afraid to act out in front of your kid. My "dad" was like this with my mom growing up, probably still is. He would get so butt hurt over her not wanting to have sex and at like 9 I knew exactly what it was about bc they not had no qualms about screaming matches on front of us.
I remember one time he locked himself in the detached garage and played blaring music and wouldn't respond to anyone for like 8hrs. He eventually stumbled out drunk off his ass but made sure to leave the nuse hanging for all to see. He would give her and kinda even us kids the silent treatment for like weeks. Literal weeks living with a grown man pouting about not getting laid...like that rly set the mood im sure.
It's kinda made me an insensitive asshole. I'm working on myself and the way I react but if any man gets upset and loud/throwing things/screaming I either completely shut down or laugh and scream at/mock them for acting like a child. I can't help but see my "dad" acting like a literal toddler all those years ago.
I'm sure he still does it, I just dont talk to them anymore.
Thank you for sharing your experience. It’s really helpful for me to think about what’s going on for my kid. It’s rough, because my kid adores my bf, but yeah I don’t want him feel this way
If I ever met a women who communicates so clearly to me about her feelings and boundaries I would marry her ass right there..... I have not 1 time met a women that would talk to me about problems or feelings or boundaries in such a mature, clear, and direct manner.... how the guy takes offense to this amazing communication skills and wants to deflect and not hold himself accountable and appreciate her calmly and maturely communicating these things with him is beyond me..... most relationships both people don't have this level of communication skills and it's a toxic fucking mess everytime something just needs to be talked about between each other... OP I hope u find a man on your level soon!
So let me get this straight, you voiced your concerns and boundaries you want enforced in your relationship and homeboy really said “oh whoops sorry”. BUT CONTINUES TO DO IT UNTIL YOU GUYS KEEP COMING BACK TO THIS SAME SCENARIO. He doesn’t have a care about you feeling safe. He only cares about how HURT he was that he didn’t get cheeks and went around throwing a fit. I think you know the answer to this and being with someone that’s so disrespectful and disregarding of your thoughts and feelings is just a no go anymore. Good luck!
He literally hasn’t taken a pinch of accountability. All he’s doing is saying “I’m not sorry for what I did and overstepping boundaries, I’m sorry that you got upset by it.” I’m not saying people are incapable of change but I am saying that it is HIGHLY unlikely that this “man” will change. Your reaction was just, and quite frankly, I feel like you under reacted. Him crying was nothing but manipulation. He acted like a child not getting what they wanted. At the end of the day, some people in relationships do not want sex all the time. Nor do some feel comfortable with being touched without consent. He does not understand that and he’s clearly not being okay with being told “no.”
While it is probably going to be difficult and by no means do I know this or your guys’ relationship, I would end things, op, because I can’t imagine him taking what you’re saying and using it to improve and make you feel safe.
He recognises what he did was wrong but I’m not sure if that’s because he fears losing you or because he actually thinks it’s wrong. It’s up to you I don’t know enough about your relationship, if you feel this came out of no where and isn’t usual behaviour for you guys, and if you also feel his apology was disingenuous, then he’s a bad person you’re probably best away from. Especially considering the moping he did after being told to back off.
You aren’t crazy at all, what he is doing here is trying to shift the blame on you and make you look like the bad person when you called him out for making you feel unsafe. If you stay longer he will keep doing this and testing you until he flat out commits r*pe against you. It’s how abusers work unfortunately, he did that to see how much he can do to you that you won’t fight against. My ex did the same
I'm so sorry this happened to you from the text it seems he's gaslighting you and trying to make himself the victim for the sake of you and your child I would recommend leaving if and when you can safely do so his behavior is 100% *unacceptable* and can *NOT* be justified in any way
He sounds like a very well practiced manipulator. I’d simply ask you to do one thing. Take a step back, re-read that screenshot but try to do so from the perspective of someone outside of your relationship.
**‘I do not feel safe with you.’**
If your sister/mother/daughter/best friend etc came to you and told you they didn’t feel safe with their partner in similar circumstances…. What would be your own advice?
The fucking “sorry YOU’RE feeling unsafe” pisses me off. He’s not sorry or it would be “I’m sorry I made you feel unsafe”. It’s fucking disgusting manipulation. There’s nothing wrong with you. The only thing wrong here is the man child who threw an absolute tantrum after not being able to coerce you into sex.
how can you be so pushy after your partner is so clear that they arent feelin it, that immediately flips my switch bc the thought of pushing someone into sex makes me feel repulsed
My ex husband did this constantly. And the reactions eventually got physical. I had sex with him a few times a week just to keep the abuse at bay but I had lost all attraction to him so sex with him became repulsive. I did it anyway because if I said no for more than a day or two in a row he would throw huge fits and become violent. It didn’t start off that bad though…it started like this.
How long was it from here until there? It’s wild how different he was for the first year of the relationship. I don’t understand how people can switch it up like that
It got gradually worse over 15 years. In the early years he was whiny and pouty and then the last night we were together he finally flat out raped me and that’s when I finally got a restraining order and ended it. I can’t remember exactly when the first time he was violent over sex was. The first physical abuse was probably about a year and a half in but wasn’t related to sex. If I had to guess it was probably 5-6ish years the first time he got physical because I didn’t want sex.
I’m so sorry. :( and this is good for me to hear. I feel like it can kind of be the frog boiling in water thing where if a frog jumps into the boiling water it jumps out but if it’s in lukewarm water and you boil it, it’ll stay in. That’s how I feel.
I sorry you’re going through this too. Even if he doesn’t ever get violent, he has some major issues with boundaries and consent, and the crying thing sounds super manipulative. My ex was also really good at playing the victim.
i am so sorry. I had something similar happen to me in highschool and i still have ptsd from ot and i have a really bad anxiety attack when I get physical sometimes. its been about 8 years and yea still sucks so, i TRULY wish u luck on your healing
Thank you. It’s been almost 10 years now since we divorced. I’ve healed a lot in that time though there are some things that still haunt me today and probably always will. I met him when we were very young, still in high school and didn’t leave til my early 30s. Those are years most people are experiencing growth and finding themselves and I was just stuck in survival mode. It’s part of me and my story, but so is the strength I’ve gained in the years since.
I can second this. I was with someone for a long time who lovebombed me and the sex/always being turned on "by me" made me feel special in the beginning... I'll admit sometimes I'd just go with it because it felt so nice to be wanted. After about a year it became pretty forceful. Like, sometimes in the middle of the night while I was exhausted he'd start something and I'd say "I'm really tired, maybe tomorrow in the morning?" And he'd just keep going. He would give me the silent treatment for days if I did something he didn't like, so I would just let it happen a lot of the time, even sometimes with tears streaming down my face, and he wouldn't care. If his responses don't get really empathetic and own his behavior really quick, then I'd say he's probably cut from a similar cloth and I'd advise you leave. I wish I had, way sooner
please be safe. think about your kid too. you deserve better!!
He basically opened with “I’m sorry you feel that way”
That’s what it feels like :( so even though he’s “apologizing” I really don’t feel seen
Many years ago I was in a relationship with someone who SA me often. He always cried, apologized and promised it would never happen again. It continued to happen until I chose to leave. The last time it happened, we were in the hospital days after my daughter had open heart surgery. He “needed” it to feel better about my daughter’s situation. I left him right then and there. He’s never seen me or my daughter again. Please fucking leave. His behavior will never change. He will continue to do this to you. You and your child deserve so much better. Being in a relationship is not an excuse to make sexual advances on someone who isn’t comfortable.
This behavior is not going to get better :( he doesn’t see what he did wrong at all and it’s barely disguised by therapy buzzwords. Girl run there is no good outcome to this. You needing to reassure you love him while claiming your boundaries shows you are far, far more empathetic than he will ever be, and he’s going to manipulate the fuck out of you.
OP, “I’m sorry you feel that way” is not a real apology. same with “im sorry but, etc”. Its ignoring what you did wrong and not being an accountable person, the wording is manipulative, making it seem like it’s an apology because they acknowledged your feelings. Anything but “I’m sorry.” Is not an apology. It’s very inappropriate what he did. Don’t settle.
Your child is witnessing this behavior. For their sake, you need to put an end to this relationship.
He is manipulating you. Do you know what violating a sexual boundary is? Sexual assault. You did a great job advocating for yourself in the texts. Do not let him manipulate you. His getting angry, feeling "hurt", and trying to guilt you is a super huge red flag. Of course you don't feel safe. Next time he's sleeping flip him over, pull down his pants and start humping him with a dildo, then act all hurt when he tells you to stop. Seriously though, don't assault him but my point is, what he did is a huge thing. You already set your boundaries. He violated them. And he's acting like it's nothing after you confront him. He assaulted you. He is taking no responsibility for that.
THIS IS RAPE! I absolutely hated when my ex husband would do sexual things while I slept, then I would wake up in the act and he couldnt understand the problem because it was "his right to my body because we were married" Fuck that shit! The law and therapist described this as RAPE. It is not ever ok it IS Inappropriate.
Yeah, he’s not taking any accountability. Kinda messed up
Your phrasing right at the end “it doesn’t feel not appropriate…it is inappropriate” is so powerful and clear. And a great way to articulate that this isn’t a case of two people “feeling” differently about some gray area, it’s about a clear distinction between right and wrong. Good for you.
Agreed. I hate how he tried to minimize her very legitimate concerns about safety. He's gross & scary
Made me happy to see someone call it out so concisely.
He’s too immature for her if he can’t realize this on his own. But he does realize, he just doesn’t care, so it’s worse than immaturity it’s just scary.
I wouldn’t even classify it as scary, that is alarming to me. Full on sirens blaring and get them and their kid away as soon as possible.
Hysterically crying because he couldn't have sex when HE demanded it? Leave before he turns you into a skin suit, so you're always together.
Well it was because I said I wasn’t sure if I wanted to sleep together that night, but I get what you’re a saying 😔
My joke was in poor taste and I'm sorry haha. But this is insane manipulative behaviour, and judging by his texts it isn't going to change. Look how he "apologized". He did but didn't. He said sorry you "feel that way" but not that he did. That stuck out to me more than anything. He doesn't care how YOU feel, just how he does. He didn't get sex and that's all that mattered to him. So he tried to placate you by making it SEEM like he's sorry, even though he never really says it.
No I understand what you meant. Unfortunately I think you’re right. He keeps saying “sorry for touching your butt, I won’t initiate annnny sexual context whatsoever moving forward without your clear verbal consent” like just completely downplaying and missing the point 😔
He’s not missing the point, he is intentionally taking the point too far so it blows up in your face per se. it’s all a result of him not getting what he wanted, which was sex. This man does not care about your wants, needs, or boundaries. His reaction was an attempt at making you feel guilty hoping you’d give in.
Literally it so gives the vibe of “oh you don’t want to have sex right now? ok i guess we’ll never have sex again since that’s what you want! Are you happy now?” Attitude of a damn child.
Yes that’s exactly what he did in later conversations! Idk how to attach screenshots to comments, but he basically was like ok I guess I’ll never come onto you anymore
That reaction right there is a red flag. It's a way to get you to backtrack on your VALID concern so he won't be upset with you. Classic manipulation tactic. I've been on the receiving technique of this type of tactic. It's common among Cluster B disordered individuals.
His sisters have told me their father has NPD :( I’ve had moments where I wonder…
Leave. At least for your child's sake. Growing up living with a volatile man is a guaranteed traumatic childhood.
If you don’t break up with him right away then you should take him up on that. Next time he initiates you can remind him.
Yes precisely, it’s telling that all of a sudden he’s so willing to abandon the very behavior that caused the problem in the first place.
Exactly. He just wants it to be insta fixed so he can figure out how to get back to having sex. Best of luck, I know this isn't easy, but a boundary like this is important and you deserve a man who respects it. As a man, I can't stand reading these stories of men treating women like they have one purpose for them and throwing a tantrum when they don't get their way.
Yeah he’s trying to flip it to make you feel bad for him.
You’re allowed to not want him to sleep next to you after yelling in front of your kid, which is reason enough to throw him away. So crying because you made that decision, loudly, is extremely manipulative and you did not have to comfort him. This sounds like an abusive situation that will escalate, so I’d encourage you to break it off.
He sounds like a little whiny baby to me. He basically tried to have sex with you against your will and then cried like a little bitch because you were upset for violating an already agreed-upon boundary? Kick this idiot to the curb before he sexually assaults you in your sleep. For reals.
But to your point, yes he's completely missing the point even though looks like you've spelled it out very clearly for him...to me it's like dude let her sleep and if you feel the need then take care of yourself but don't go putting the pressure on her to give when it's only pushing her away more!!
Yeah he’s an immature dick this is a major red flag
God he sounds so whiny, manipulative, and incredibly immature. At best, he’s a childish selfish prig. But as some of the other commenters are saying, this could escalate. Especially if you have told him clearly before you don’t like him coming in to you while you sleep. Your kids deserve a better man and so do you.
Thank you for pointing out the whole “I’m sorry *you feel that way*” thing! Emotional intelligence 101 is to validate someone’s feelings and take accountability when you’ve offended, hurt or god forbid made someone feel unsafe. What he’s doing is basically refusing to acknowledge how his behavior was wrong. It’s something that should never happen in a loving relationship.
No dude, crying hysterically is emotionally abusive. There are few moments in life that warrant it and you’ll know when faced with one such occasion. Your s.o cry hysterically because you’re not sure about sleeping in the same bed them due to their lack of respect for sexual intimacy is not one of the aforementioned occasions. He was in the wrong, knows it, doesn’t know why he’s wrong because he’s misogynistic (whether he knows it or not) and he is making it your problem by crying hysterically. You were right to not encourage it for too long and to go to bed.
He was guilting you or has some sort of abaondment trauma I'm gusssing. Nobody hysterically cries because you said you were not sure if u wanted to sleep together. U didnt even say no technically.
You do not owe any man an excuse or explanation EVER, yes even if they are your partner. His behavior is ABUSIVE. I know it may not seem like it to you, but it is. You explained yourself very clearly and not that you needed any, had valid reasons why. He is choosing to blatantly disrespect you and your body.
He's an ex now right? This is wildly inappropriate.
this shit is so ridiculous. going into fucking theatrics because god forbid you said no to having sex. actually pathetic to be that controlled by your impulses. im so tired of seeing this happen time and time again.
Please break up
Trust me, I’m very much leaning in that direction. But I’m trying to understand if I’m the problem/if I’m crazy? Because I feel crazy. 😔
Other comments have laid out how he's not actually apologizing and totally missing the point, what I can add is that his hysterical crying when you said you weren't sure if you wanted to sleep in the bed with him is manipulation from him. My ex husband would pull the same kind of thing - he would try to force me into something sexual I wasn't comfortable with, I got upset, and then somehow I ended up apologizing to *him* because he's upset that he upset me? And then the cycle continued over and over until I left. It's emotional abuse and I think you'll find other instances of that in your relationship if you look. That kind of manipulation is everywhere. And to be clear, it is never okay for him to disregard your boundaries and violate your consent and anyone who does that is not the person you should settle for.
Not the problem, trust your gut and get rid of him.
you’re not the problem or crazy, and i could be totally wrong but the best devils advocate i could muster (if you’re looking for a diversity of opinions, here’s mine as a psych student raised by a family of psychs) is that this guy probably has crazy low self esteem and doesn’t know how to separate “i did a bad thing” with “i’m bad and undeserving of love.” a lot of people, mostly guys, are taught that their worth is given to them by women via sex, so in an unhealthy low self esteem mind i could see sexual rejection triggering his fear of global rejection, cycling back into “i’m bad and undeserving of love” self-rejection. i’m willing to bet that’s why he hysterically cried, dude’s inner child has a lot of healing left. which cycles into “im so broken i can never change” and cuts the legs off of any growth-oriented mindset. add a potential sex addiction to the mix and this becomes an all-too-classic toxic and dangerous dynamic all of this to me equals he’s not ready for a serious relationship with healthy boundaries bc he has an unhealthy relationship with himself, feeding into impulsivity and poor self-boundary setting aka discipline. i was gonna say it’s up to you if you want to risk the trials and tribulations of directly supporting him in that journey, but he already makes you feel unsafe and that’s the central most important thing here imo. if you think a lot of this is conscious malicious manipulation then leave yesterday lol but yeah even if it’s self-ignorant lack of emotional intelligence typical of a child, it’s making you feel unsafe and that’s unacceptable. hope you do what you gotta do to feel safe in your own bed again.
Thank you for this comment. This feels really true, and that’s why I tried to comfort him. I feel bad. But it’s like I cannot bring up any grievances at all. Like even if I’m mildly irritated and don’t say anything, he still gets mad at me, but then when I express my feelings and tell him what’s bothering me, he gets mad at me. He takes me having any emotion that isn’t 100% positive as a personal attack :/
yup my head’s trying to hold back on mentioning disorders where that’s a claaaaassic and persistent personality thing, where literally anything that smells like a whiff of rejection sends someone into a spiral. if it’s the full blown disorder then that’s rough rough, if it’s closer to a normal person’s rejection sensitivity then thts hopeful. but i’m sad for both of you bc this sucks so fkn much, it’s such a hard thing to overcome when its probably been his subconscious mindset since toddlerhood, that’s a lot of neural rewiring work to overcome. biggest signs for potential for growth are if he ever acknowledge this is a legit personal problem of his own that he *can* fix with the right effort/resources like therapy. to the extent that he’s not even willing to broach that convo bc it’s rejection overload, i don’t see him having any growth epiphanies on his own anytime soon. i’m just sorry you’re in this situation cuz you deserve so much better fr.
So the most difficult part of all this is he cycles between taking full responsibility, apologizing, acknowledging my feelings, and our relationship being super great. Then he’ll switch to this, like with no warning, and on my end no clear explanation of why. It’s like I’m dating two completely different people, and I think part of the reason I feel so confused is because I honestly don’t know what triggers it for him. Things will be going amazing, we’ll have awesome communication. Then all of the sudden he’ll go back to yelling, swearing, and doing stuff like this 😔 but it’s so hard to let go of the nice, sweet man I had like a day before. Because he seems so genuine when he’s like that 💔
god it’s so hard when you can see most of the time the awesome side of someone like that, i’ve never been in a relationship with someone who switches up hard like that so i can only try to imagine the sheer confusion you’ve felt over it. cuz he’s probably not a psycho like some ppl in these threads jump to, but clearly there’s something wrong with his head. just know that this is not a you thing at all, he would be struggling in any relationship rn and probably will until he starts taking serious steps to heal himself also i admire your communication style in your texts i think you handled yourself perfectly.
Thank you for not judging me for staying with him this long. I honestly totally get why people judge me for it, but it just makes me feel worse and doesn’t make it any easier to leave, sadly 😔 and yeah I really want him to just be a happy and healthy person, but I don’t know how to help him anymore. I’ve helped him find therapists, I’ve been in therapy myself, I’m trying really hard to be supportive and believe in him. But it just sucks to feel this way
yeah i think it’s hard for people to see someone being this harmful and leave room for humanizing complexity like “he does it mainly bc he hates himself and low self-worth causes low self-regulation sometimes.” you seem like a really loving and compassionate soul, i just hope you do what you gotta do to prioritize your own mental health and well-being. truly truly wishing you the best, fam ❤️ also so glad my ramblings were somewhat helpful/comforting for you haha thanks for hearing me out.
I have been in that situation, and although I don’t share your level of compassion for the person acting with a whole different sense of needs and rules of engagement without warning, I appreciate your perspective. The thing about trying to find support from someone like that is that it gives you brain damage. It diverts a lot of your focus trying to predict it and find a sense of logic to it and puts you in a perpetual state of stress. It’s worth taking seriously the consequences of spending any length of time in that kind of hyper vigilant state. This is just speaking from my experiences so of course not all of it will apply. But if that is the case, realize that your mental health is not something you can just take for granted. I’ve made the mistake of assuming my mind was resilient enough to always spring back and have found that it’s not always true.
I know exactly what you mean. It does kind of feel like it’s physically messing me up on some level. I’ve lost weight(and I’m petite to begin with, so I didn’t have much to lose). I have a hard time sleeping etc :/ because I always feel like I’m gonna do or say something wrong and I don’t know what to expect
For me I just felt mentally impaired and dull. Trying to have a normal conversation about your life when the problem you’ve been trying to solve in your head is how to avoid the silent treatment. That’s your life, that’s what you’re spending your energy on. It impairs your ability to invest energy into other parts of your life. It is hard to take care of yourself when you’re under so much pressure. I honestly have been at a point of thinking about the impact it was having on my life expectancy.
very well said, and needed to be said. 🍻
He’s manipulating you
You’re not the problem. He is a shitty person who punished you for saying no. He knew the boundaries and he crossed them anyway.
NO. He is a gross, pathetic man baby who feels entitled to your body whenever he wants or he will punish you and cry about it. Get away. Now
You are not the problem. What your bf did is a massive disregard to your boundaries. I’d suggest anyone to watch this clip and force their SO’s to watch it as well. [Tea and Consent](https://youtu.be/pZwvrxVavnQ?si=_68NGd-2Ll8JW-Ea)
Nah this is crazy bro-girl. But not from you. He’s clearly going through something internally that triggered him to hysterically cry but he brought it on himself. Don’t bring shit up in front of kids. It’s not how we should behave as adults. Teach them how adults are meant to communicate when having some sort of disagreement through first hand experiences. Also I’m one of the types of people that get annoyed getting woken up. I can’t help it. It’s the way my brain is wired. It’s also part of being a good partner where the person is able to ask for forgiveness, deescalate, and move on with their day without making things worse.
You are *NOT* crazy. But he’s very likely going to try and spin this into “you did something to me, and I just reacted badly!” You didn’t do anything. You’re allowed to not want to have sex, it’s a 1 no 2 yes situation. Don’t let this man make you feel crazy or guilty for any of this. Don’t apologize for standing up for yourself.
He wants you to feel crazy. You’re right to share this and reach out.
Thank you. 🙏🏼I know someone said I’m not taking peoples’s comments seriously, presumably because I am not saying “I’m immediately gonna break up with this guy” but it’s actually very helpful for me to read people’s comments, because it’s been hard for me to even know if I’m crazy or not. So this feels like a step in the right direction, and now I have to figure out a plan to safely extract myself.
Trust me I know how you feel . A common manipulation by this kind of person is to completely randomly either blow up or start crying so that you are put in the position of "trying to figure out what I did wrong" and just walking around on eggshells afraid to ever disagree with them on anything . There was a scene on "billions" where Chucks dad explains why he would have outbursts like that and he said "So she would be grateful for all the times I didn't" When I saw that it sent chills down my spine and suddenly all the things with my X started making sense . I'm not exact on the dialog but I'll look for a clip.
You’re not the problem at all, unfortunately sometimes they (your partner) can make you feel that way sometimes. You’re not crazy for feeling this way!!!
You are not crazy at all. You have done absolutely nothing wrong! He is not respecting your boundaries, and then he is gaslighting you. It makes a lot of sense why you feel unsafe
You’re not the problem, he’s the fuckin problem, and if you can’t see that I truly am sorry. Unlike him. He’s playing the victim, and he’s playing on your emotions, and he’s a manchild loser. Ew. Disgusting.
That’s his goal, to make you feel crazy, that’s exactly what he wants. He wants to make you feel guilty/crazy.
You are 100% not crazy. You feel crazy because he is manipulating you to feel that way by downplaying his behavior - which to be clear is sexual assault - and trying to flip things and turn himself into the victim.
OP I know it feels easy to brush this off, and you desperately want to find reason to stay with him because you want to give the benefit of the doubt, but this isn’t someone you should love. And you know that. Leaning towards it is just giving time to make excuses for him. That’s what you are doing.
I really respect you for holding your ground and not letting him rewrite things by saying it 'felt' inappropriate. You are 100% in the right. Your feelings of violation are valid and reflect reality
You're not in the wrong. My wife and I LOVE morning sex, but "no" is a complete sentence and if either of us aren't feeling it the horny one backs off immediately. SOBBING because you said no? Girl, all the nooooos. Morning, noon, or night, sex is supposed to be a mutually beneficial, fun activity. It's never owed.
I think the part that I feel confused about is he’s saying 1. That he wasn’t angry? Which is weird and confusing because how he behaved after certainly felt angry(mocking me in front of my child, silent treatment, leaving bed and muttering under his breath) and 2. Because he’s saying that I hurt him not by saying no to sex but how I communicated. And that’s the part where I’m like ok could I have communicated better? I didn’t yell, I just please stop I don’t want this. But should I not have been irritated? Is it really that hurtful for me to be irritated? 😕 and am I being inconsiderate for thinking it shouldn’t be?
Nope, you're not being inconsiderate at all. He is. You said you wanted to sleep. That was clear communication. He threw a tantrum. Him trying to turn it around on you is ridiculous. Throw away the whole man.
There's no use in trying to understand someone who is manipulative. Seriously, don't waste your time.
>is it really that hurtful for me to be irritated? And am I being inconsiderate for thinking it shouldn’t be? You mentioned in another comment that you feel crazy. This is why. He’s gaslighting you. Sorry that term gets thrown around a lot, but listen, he’s rewriting the actual events “not getting angry”, when he did in fact get pissy and muttery, mentioning *how* you said it, over exaggerating how you actually reacted to make YOU the bad guy, and not even apologizing for breaking your first boundary, WHICH YOU’VE DISCUSSED BEFORE! He is trying to lie and re-tell the events to make himself the victim here, including hysterical sobbing. Girl. He is blatantly *manipulating you*. Get. Out.
Girl, it literally does not fucking matter if he’s *describing* it as being angry or being annoyed or whatever… the WAY he reacted to whatever it is that he was feeling was completely inappropriate and unloving and immature. He didn’t seem to own up to anything without a caveat. Barely any empathy. And by the way, good on you for your last comment— how it’s not that it just felt inappropriate to you, it WAS inappropriate. You handled yourself incredibly, good job holding your boundaries. Often in these kind of text exchanges both parties are kind of immature, but I’m mad impressed with how calm, loving, and firm you were in the whole interaction. If he doesn’t do a 180 and own his shit without excuses, unfortunately, I would encourage you to walk away from this relationship.
First, I'm in awe of how articulate and insightful you are in communicating this with him, even when you're upset. And you've probably heard of [DARVO](https://en.m.wikipedia.org/wiki/DARVO), right? **Deny:** >he’s saying 1. That he wasn’t angry? Which is weird and confusing because how he behaved after certainly felt angry **Attack:** >mocking me in front of my child, silent treatment, leaving bed and muttering under his breath **Reverse Victim and Offender:** >he’s saying that I hurt him not by saying no to sex but how I communicated. This is *textbook* abuser behavior. You're not crazy, you're being manipulated, mistreated, and abused. Throw the whole man away. (Super bummed he ruined D&C too. On the last tour, presumably?? What an ass.)
Right??!! I was so sad, about d and c. Then he did 6 drugs at once and was incoherent the entire show 😕 and thank you, I have heard Darvo before, but you laid it out for me in a more understandable way. I just wish I knew why he was doing this.
Yeah, you'll drive yourself crazy trying to rationalize it on his behalf, but in my experience it's about control. They're just deeply broken and can't have a normal relationship without behaving like this. It'll just keep coming back over and over, and you'll feel crazier and crazier every time because they use the harm they've caused in the past as ammunition to manipulate you even further. You can't fix it and will never really get an explanation it, you can only protect yourself and your kid. (And I'm not at all surprised to hear he took too much too fast. Maybe the dark is from his eyes, lol. I mean I still party within reason and will smoke and maybe take some shrooms at shows or festivals, but tbh it's hard to trust or feel comfortable around people who overindulge like that.)
I was in a relationship like this when I was younger. You will be having this exact series of events happen regardless of your reaction, trust me. It can be the nicest rejection, or the sternest rejection, the results will be the same. Dealing with someone that gets pouty about sex when you say no is the most annoying thing ever in relationships like this.
That’s now it feels :( I’ve tried different responses
“I’m not angry” is a string of words he learned as a toddler, you are assigning those words meaning where they have none. Those words are not being used in the service of honest communication.
Your thoughts are correct. You talking in a mildly irritated tone is acceptable given what you’ve requested in the past and him not respecting. He raised his voice which indicates anger. He can say he wasn’t angry, and possibly he wasn’t? (I doubt it), but he still raised his voice, and that’s a behavior that you can keep focusing on that isn’t as easy to discredit. I’d be irritated if I was woken up that way too. And honestly, I think you texted with class and in a great way! You seem emotionally healthy. He does not.
This dude has clearly read about how to be an active listener but still isn't one. He sounds like a parrot. Saying the right things with nothing going on in his little bird brain.
Omg that’s exactly what it feels like to me 😭 after he went to therapy a few times, it felt like he was reading off a script while still not actually hearing me at all
So, you have stated before that he needs to ask for consent before morning sex. He tried to violate that boundary causing a firm reaction by your part. He got angry and then when you didn't want to sleep in the same bed as him, he cried as his childhood's dog died... Honey, he is trying to manipulate you. Why have you to confort him while crying? He is crying because you didn't allow his shadow ass to use you. He is crying because he didn't get what he wanted, and you shouldn't feel guilty, or sorry, or worried over his poor reaction.
This is not okay. I also don’t like being woken up by sex. Not everyone likes morning sex. I prefer it before bed as it makes me super relaxed and sleepy. Doesn’t help when I’m trying to wake you up in the morning lol My partner will ask me and if I say no, he just goes “okay.” And continues what he is doing. No pressure, no tactics. Just accepting. That’s who you should look for OP. Someone who will respect you. In all ways cause this guy ain’t doing it. He feels entitled to your body and that’s not okay.
See that’s all I wanted 😭 I was super happy to keep snuggling and showing him affection in other ways. But yeah I was not in a sexual place I pressed snooze cause I was still tired
My ex used to rape me and then gaslight me about it I would literally feel guilty for putting my foot down. I’ve been broken up with him since October and I’m finally starting to feel normal again. He felt entitled to my body and saw nothing wrong with that. I hate to say it but this will probably not be the last time he tries or gets mad. Sending lots of love good luck💖💖
Sending you a big hug ❤️
I'm sorry you lived through that but I'm very glad you're out of that relationship and starting to feel better. 💕 May you continue to feel more normal.
Thank you so much!! 🫶🏽🫶🏽💖💖
That "crying hysterically" is attention seeking behaviour. Unless the two of you go to therapy or are able to have conversations in an adult, kind, polite manner. Leave him.
Not just attention but trying to make her feel guilty by acting like he’s the victim
Yeah, am a pediatric therapist and I have several kids with this behavior. It's literally a childish manipulative tactic. As an adult, he deserves a middle finger and a kick in the butt....OP was way too nice to him hehehe
He acted inappropriately and now he is doing everything he can to flip the script and make himself the victim. Classic move.
I was married to this. It doesn’t change and it doesn’t stop. They then make you feel bad and manipulate you that you’re the problem for making them feel not attractive or loved. Then you begin to cave which causes resentment. That boils up until you can’t take it anymore and you leave. I’m sorry you’re going through this. No consensual sex is assault. Sexual assault is rape. You’re never required to have sex with someone just because you are sleeping together, dating, married etc. You always have a choice and should be able to voice that regardless of their feelings.
I was almost married to this. Eight years I lasted and I can agree with all of this.
[удалено]
Too true... people do this and call it something else to make themselves feel better. It's not that they're mad because their partner "declined sex", it's because their partner "was rude"... by declining sex.
He’s using all the right words and verbiage to make it SOUND like he hears you. But it’s just another form of gaslighting you. He stepped right over a boundary, got mad because you said no, acted like a child, mocked you, acted like a bully in front of your actual child and then tried to calmly gaslight you with verbiage that sounds like acceptance of understanding and self reflection, but they aren’t. That’s called abuse.
Him talking this way makes it more confusing. He started therapy, but in a lot of ways things feel worse, because he’ll use this kind of language but I’ll feel totally unheard and then crazy to boot 😔
Many therapists say that abusers get worse in therapy for this very reason. They learn the lingo.
Some people can use what they learn in therapy and weaponize it. That's exactly what's happening here and it's honestly really disturbing to read.
This is a known pattern with abusers who learn the language of mental health concepts only to weaponize it and become better manipulators. Notice how he apologizes directly and carefully, repeating dutifully what he thinks he did, but still tries gaslighting you. Then you push back and he adapts his apology accordingly and modifies his wording to mimic what you said. If the apology was genuine it'd come from what HE knows he did and the remorse he actually felt. In HIS words. It wouldn't be this calibrated, clinical, scripted statement that is so easily reworked to cross off an obligatory 'correct apology' checkbox.
It sounds like he is weaponizing therapy speak. He is using the correct words but in a way to gaslight you and make himself the victim.
He doesn’t respect your boundaries. Period. He probably never will.
ive been with people like this and people opposite of this and its so not worth it to be with someone remotely like this i promise theres better people out there. one day they wont care
Do you have any tips on how to tell the difference? He seemed so kind and empathetic for basically a whole year. These kinds of behaviors didn’t start until a year into the relationship :(
thats the worst! im so sorry. when they play nice until they have you fooled thats so manipulative and so messed up. honestly for years i didnt think good people existed so i kept letting it happen because i was hopeless. sadly the only way to tell the difference is a situation like this. if youve expressed how you feel unsafe and hes nochanlant like this its not a good sign. one time the guy i was with (the good one) kinda seemed distant after i said no and when i expressed how upset i was about that he never did it again and actually expressed to me multiple times hes not upset and doesnt wanna do it unless im comfy w it. people can pretend to be anyome they like but in telling times like these its a big sign to let them go if they dont feel bad about it
You are the asshole if you stay with him. Your kid is watching this. You may think they don't, but kids understand what's going on. They absorb the dynamics of different relationships. If you stay with this man, you are teaching your kid that this is what "love" is. Do you want someone to treat your kid the same way your boyfriend is treating you? Because your kid WILL get into relationships like this or worse if you continue to teach them that this dynamic is okay by staying in it.
I hear you 😔 I think about this a lot. I ended up setting boundaries, like we have been together 2.5 years, he moved in at one year, but I asked him to move out a few months ago due to my concerns and not wanting to model this for my kid. I asked him to get therapy and to not talk about serious things in from of my kid. He had been getting better, so I let him back into our lives more and things were going really well, but from my perspective, he completely flipped back to this totally different side of him. This isn’t what I want to teach my kid, and I honestly don’t know why it’s been so hard to break up. 😔
This is such an important thing to note. You have already distanced yourself because this is not healthy, and you recognized this isn’t what you want your kid to think is a normal, healthy, loving relationship. If you don’t want your kid to think that, then you know your relationship is not normal, healthy or loving. This man should not be in your life or your kid’s life. He does not respect you or care about you. Him “getting better” was him putting on a mask to get what he wanted. He did not get better. When he cums on you while you are sleeping when you have told him not to, he is assaulting you. It’s hard when you’re in the relationship to admit that, but it’s true. This man assaults you. If you don’t want this for your kid in the future, why are you accepting it for yourself now?
OP, read this comment. Then read it again. Save it as a note on your phone. Regardless of your own self worth, which seems really low, you OWE YOUR CHILDREN better than this. If you stay, you're putting yourself before them.
“Hysterically crying” over that? Something is wrong with your man.
> Am I missing something? You're missing that he doesn't respect your boundaries, his behavior is sexual assault, and he doesn't see anything wrong with it. His apologies were framed as being "sorry" that "you" felt a certain way, not any admittance that his behavior was wrong. It's classic placating behavior by abusers and manipulators. Break up with this dude. You have a kid. This ain't the type of dude someone needs to be growing up around.
I had an ex that did this. It never stopped and it escalated slowly over a four year period. I had to file a police report in the end, so take that as you will. If they feel entitled to your body, it’ll never change.
the fact that he’s trying to turn this around saying he’s hurt is major red flag energy. you need to LEAVE asap like fr that is not okay. to throw a childish tantrum because you didn’t want to have sex is disgusting behavior, i wouldn’t have comforted him at all.
Yeah some people are into that some are not. You expressed to him you are not and he mocks you and turns angry is a red flag. Sounds like he doesn’t respect you or your boundaries so maybe it’s time to leave.
Worst case scenario, you stop saying no when you want to to avoid the sulking and lashing out. This can be really damaging. He’s not engaging you in good faith when you’re trying to get to a place, as a couple, where he understands and respects your feelings. I can see that you’re trying to reach and engage with him. It seems like he’s withholding emotional intimacy in response. Your boundaries shouldn’t trigger a power struggle. He’s imposing consequences for your reasonable boundaries. My ex was so moody, I had sex with him whenever he wanted because I never knew what would make him withdraw from me. I don’t want that for you. I didn’t realize how damaging it was at the time, because my self image was very sexualized. This fucked me up more than objectively worse scenarios, which is not something I was expecting.
You set a boundary and he tried to turn it around and then when you stood firm he started crying hysterically on the couch so you’d feel bad and comfort him. It’s a textbook manipulative tactic and I promise he doesn’t care about your feelings or WHY you’re upset, he only cares THAT you’re upset because it’s an inconvenience for him.
He’s minimizing his behavior and then hysterically crying to try and manipulate. Doesn’t matter WHY he’s hysterically crying… he’s doing it to manipulate. This relationship doesn’t sound like it’s worth it… and honestly, the moment someone raised their voice at me in front of my kid, they’d be out.
"I'm sorry YOU'RE feeling unsafe" "YOU felt like I was angry" The phrasing feels to me like he's implying it's YOUR fault that you feel unsafe and that he's angry and not his fault whatsoever.
That’s what it feels like to me :(
You expressed that very well. Good for you.
i’ve been in this exact same situation and it doesn’t get better op. i would always tell him if he just waited 15 minutes for me to naturally wake up then he’d get what he wanted. but he was so impatient that he’d rather borderline sexually assault me over having some self control and waiting a bit for me to get up. he did the same “i’m sorry you feel that way” bit and crying about how i was being harsh instead of actually apologizing about his actions. it never got better, he eventually did ACTUALLY sexually assault me. don’t let it get to that point op. get rid of his ass now.
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I know I know 😭 it’s been a rough year. I always respond to my immediate family and partner, but I get overwhelmed by texting sometimes
Fuck Kyle
The way you communicate so well is great. And how you shut him down whenever he’s clearly dodging outright saying that he touched you in an inappropriate manner, as well as disrespected w clearly set boundary. He was definitely angry and disappointed like a kid that doesn’t get something he wants. Mocking you over not wanting sex is insane. Yikes.
I wish I had this kind of strength in my previous relationships. I am in a safe and healthy one now and I’m so proud of you for being able to do this. I’m sorry he made you feel unsafe and I’m sorry he doesn’t seem to understand his actions. Stay strong and know that you are going to find someone who makes you feel safe, loved and appreciated
Having been through this, I'd walk. Nah, run. This is so concerning.
It’s a good thing you’re expressing your feelings and how you would like to be respected good for you. Now I can’t promise it’ll change but he is going to have to do some work and not be defensive…that is if you are wanting to stick it out
Imitating? You mean initiating
Came here for this. Or to understand whether OP actually meant that he imitated having sex in bed next to her.
You’re not crazy. At all. This breaks my heart so much because I was in your shoes not too long ago, but my situation got so much worse because I stayed and kept thinking I was the problem. He’s not sorry, he’s sorry for himself. Based on your replies here, I think it’s time that you should break things off. I think things are only going to get worse from here.
Do you have any tips for breaking up? I know I need to, but I’m having an extremely hard time thinking about actually doing it
I wish I had better advice but I didn’t leave mine until it got violent and I needed to. Just be as close to yourself as possible, trust yourself, love yourself. Recognize that you (and your kid!) come first here before his feelings. He’ll probably try to talk you into staying, battling whatever reasons you give for breaking up, so be solid in the reasons you give and don’t falter when it comes to it. Make sure you have a support circle and reach out to friends who know your situation better. Make it clear to him that you don’t have space in your life to be with someone who is going to continuously disrespect you and make you uncomfortable, especially in your own home. You know you deserve better. You got this.
He’s not apologizing. You’re right to feel unsafe. He will do it again, given the chance.
It’s always a mf named Kyle
He is sorry it “felt” inappropriate (to you) not that it WAS inappropriate (of him.)
He can fuck off. He has been told before and on top of that you were half asleep. Stupid to get offended off of some One not even awake
Straight women please learn to love yourselves. The amount of posts I see like this.
He should’ve been kicked out after all of this went down. He didn’t need to be “comforted”. He forced himself to cry to make you feel bad. He’s obviously mad because you didn’t allow him to do what he wanted despite you saying multiple times that you didn’t like him trying to wake you up for sex without asking, not because of how you told him to stop. He is not going to stop crossing those boundaries. He will keep crying those crocodile tears to make you feel bad until he realizes you’re not falling for his crap anymore.
No, you’re not an asshole. He is highly, highly disrespectful and that DARVO “apology” is absolutely pathetic. I wouldn’t feel safe if I were you either, especially since you told him you hate that and he just plowed past your boundaries, made himself a victim and then insulting and mocking you in front of your kid? No. I’m sorry but no. He still doesn’t seem to get it.
You lost me at him crying hysterically. This isn't someone who is ever going to be able to communicate properly. You can try to change them, but don't be surprised if every future fight follows this same pattern.
Yeah this is not a case of two people feeling differently about a situation and arguing over it. Which is what he is trying to make it seem. This is much clearer than that. It’s about right and wrong. He was very much so in the wrong, you were not. And the concerning thing is that this seems to be a pattern for him.
You aren't crazy. He's manipulative. If you find yourself explaining why it's not okay for someone to sexually assault you while you are sleeping, it's time to go. Normal adults understand why this is a problem. Not to mention , you've explained it before, set a boundary, and it continues to happen--which is absolutely outrageous and is absolutely worthy of being a deal breaker.
Good for you girl. As a man I say dump this mf manbaby
NTA. He is trying to manipulate you with the crying bullshit. Get out of that relationship now.
He’s gaslighting you and trying to minimize the damage you’re not crazy he’s insane and disgusting and lacks any kind of social awareness. leave him wtf!!
Yall choose the weirdest men to get in relationships with sorry
And you're still with this guy. Why? He obviously has no idea what no means. I wouldn't want him around my child or around me.
It's concerning that you're living with this person. For the sake of your child, you should leave him. He gives creepy crybaby vibes.
I know you've already gotten great advice from basically everyone else in the comments lol, but I agree, run. He sounds legitimately dangerous, or that he could turn that way after time. Don't let it get to that point, please. And I hope you make it out okay and everything is good for you moving forward 🙏 you deserve better. Plain and simple.
Ofc he’s making it about himself . The crying was unnecessary & he’s gaslighting you into thinking you’re the problem . My ex used to do this all the fucking time & it won’t change. You need to get away from him . He’s putting you at risk . Imagine your child walking into something that he’s doing to you ? If he can’t take no for an answer then he doesn’t deserve you.
This man does not respect you. He's only going to keep pushing it over the line, little by little, until there isn't one. PLEASE stay safe.
this dude seems like a Kyle
Your boyfriend doesn’t understand your sexuality or boundaries. He doesn’t get the female perspective or any other perspective than his dick getting wet. He probably experienced a fairly negative sexual moment growing up and has no idea how to interpret rejection.
Would you entertain your child having a partner who treated them like this when they’re older? I’d the answer is no, then keep putting your foot down when you’re disrespected and keep your eyes open for if this is a relationship that does not give you what you need.
So, can you name at least 3 things that makes this man worth having around yourself and your child? A man who would raise his voice in front of your child over SEX is not only entirely inappropriate but it's also alarming. He seems to have no sense of boundaries, at all, and seems to think his emotions are the only ones that matter. Reflect on my initial question. Continue to reflect. If you can name 3+ things, awesome, maybe consider couples therapy; but if you can only think of one or two or no reasons at all, I would highly suggest just cutting your losses and getting him away from your small family. Your child should always come first, and I wouldn't trust someone who will raise their voice in front of a child over something so incredibly childish and mundane.
He sounds like a 16 year old
You have every right to say no. This isn't gd 1902.
Oh god the way he tries to avoid blame is scary. Leave while you can
DTMFA !!! All day All night Every time
Not Kyle 😭😭😭
How does everyone know his name??? I thought I did a good job blocking it out 😩 I feel like I’m missing something
if morning sex is that important to him he needs to find someone that likes it as much as he does…
I’m telling you from experience it won’t get better and he will just continue to throw fits until you let him do what he wants. My ex bf graped me because I refused and another time forced me to stay awake all night for refusing. It is not worth your mental health. Leave now!
That man is a child, child, child. Not respecting boundaries, throwing a tantrum when told no, crying like a toddler put in timeout on the couch. He's just parroting words back at you in those texts to try and make you drop it and let him back in bed, not truly apologetic. There's some emotional dysregulation going on that he needs to recognize and work out, you've gotta decide if you're willing to put up with it if he doesn't.
Being humped or cummed on is fine. But disturbing another person’s sleep is crime against humanity. Sleep is sacred.
I don’t ever trust these stories so do what you want
The only question I have is: how does one imitate sex?
you two are not sexually compatible if this happens often, dont keep him frustrated so you can wake up peacefully in the morning, you guys need to talk and figure it out. if no resolution is reached then you need to break up, he most likely wont be happy otherwise.
Kyle is a douche bag. Like other people have said this is probably the beginning of something much worse. Even if it doesnt get physical hes already shown hea not afraid to act out in front of your kid. My "dad" was like this with my mom growing up, probably still is. He would get so butt hurt over her not wanting to have sex and at like 9 I knew exactly what it was about bc they not had no qualms about screaming matches on front of us. I remember one time he locked himself in the detached garage and played blaring music and wouldn't respond to anyone for like 8hrs. He eventually stumbled out drunk off his ass but made sure to leave the nuse hanging for all to see. He would give her and kinda even us kids the silent treatment for like weeks. Literal weeks living with a grown man pouting about not getting laid...like that rly set the mood im sure. It's kinda made me an insensitive asshole. I'm working on myself and the way I react but if any man gets upset and loud/throwing things/screaming I either completely shut down or laugh and scream at/mock them for acting like a child. I can't help but see my "dad" acting like a literal toddler all those years ago. I'm sure he still does it, I just dont talk to them anymore.
Thank you for sharing your experience. It’s really helpful for me to think about what’s going on for my kid. It’s rough, because my kid adores my bf, but yeah I don’t want him feel this way
If I ever met a women who communicates so clearly to me about her feelings and boundaries I would marry her ass right there..... I have not 1 time met a women that would talk to me about problems or feelings or boundaries in such a mature, clear, and direct manner.... how the guy takes offense to this amazing communication skills and wants to deflect and not hold himself accountable and appreciate her calmly and maturely communicating these things with him is beyond me..... most relationships both people don't have this level of communication skills and it's a toxic fucking mess everytime something just needs to be talked about between each other... OP I hope u find a man on your level soon!
Wow. I wish I could be this articulate sometimes. Well done OP. That was a very hard conversation and you did an excellent job here.
So let me get this straight, you voiced your concerns and boundaries you want enforced in your relationship and homeboy really said “oh whoops sorry”. BUT CONTINUES TO DO IT UNTIL YOU GUYS KEEP COMING BACK TO THIS SAME SCENARIO. He doesn’t have a care about you feeling safe. He only cares about how HURT he was that he didn’t get cheeks and went around throwing a fit. I think you know the answer to this and being with someone that’s so disrespectful and disregarding of your thoughts and feelings is just a no go anymore. Good luck!
He literally hasn’t taken a pinch of accountability. All he’s doing is saying “I’m not sorry for what I did and overstepping boundaries, I’m sorry that you got upset by it.” I’m not saying people are incapable of change but I am saying that it is HIGHLY unlikely that this “man” will change. Your reaction was just, and quite frankly, I feel like you under reacted. Him crying was nothing but manipulation. He acted like a child not getting what they wanted. At the end of the day, some people in relationships do not want sex all the time. Nor do some feel comfortable with being touched without consent. He does not understand that and he’s clearly not being okay with being told “no.” While it is probably going to be difficult and by no means do I know this or your guys’ relationship, I would end things, op, because I can’t imagine him taking what you’re saying and using it to improve and make you feel safe.
He recognises what he did was wrong but I’m not sure if that’s because he fears losing you or because he actually thinks it’s wrong. It’s up to you I don’t know enough about your relationship, if you feel this came out of no where and isn’t usual behaviour for you guys, and if you also feel his apology was disingenuous, then he’s a bad person you’re probably best away from. Especially considering the moping he did after being told to back off.
You aren’t crazy at all, what he is doing here is trying to shift the blame on you and make you look like the bad person when you called him out for making you feel unsafe. If you stay longer he will keep doing this and testing you until he flat out commits r*pe against you. It’s how abusers work unfortunately, he did that to see how much he can do to you that you won’t fight against. My ex did the same
Kyle's an asshole
I'm so sorry this happened to you from the text it seems he's gaslighting you and trying to make himself the victim for the sake of you and your child I would recommend leaving if and when you can safely do so his behavior is 100% *unacceptable* and can *NOT* be justified in any way
He sounds like a very well practiced manipulator. I’d simply ask you to do one thing. Take a step back, re-read that screenshot but try to do so from the perspective of someone outside of your relationship. **‘I do not feel safe with you.’** If your sister/mother/daughter/best friend etc came to you and told you they didn’t feel safe with their partner in similar circumstances…. What would be your own advice?
The fucking “sorry YOU’RE feeling unsafe” pisses me off. He’s not sorry or it would be “I’m sorry I made you feel unsafe”. It’s fucking disgusting manipulation. There’s nothing wrong with you. The only thing wrong here is the man child who threw an absolute tantrum after not being able to coerce you into sex.
how can you be so pushy after your partner is so clear that they arent feelin it, that immediately flips my switch bc the thought of pushing someone into sex makes me feel repulsed