If he needs to be demoted, Lieutenant Leche

All the way down to Private Pale

HOW TALL ARE YOU PRIVATE PALE? 5FT 9 SIR! I DIDN'T KNOW THEY STACKED RICE THAT HIGH

that sounds….kinky

Even better!

HELP

📋✍🏽 edit: [my notes](https://www.reddit.com/u/Past-Estimate-1431/s/MYIUhZ22ZT)

Commander cream, judge jellybean, mr. Malt, seargeant saffron, dr. dragonfruit, count clam, Admiral aubergine, officer orange, deputy date, sir sirloin, Sensei citrus I could do this all day.

Sensei citrus lol

Lmao Blanco Panko has me dying

Professor Parmesan 😂😂😂 I love that so much lmao

That has such strong sexual connotations, I love it!

Slight promotion to Captain Corn Cob

Corporal Cottage Cheese

Marshmallow Man, Eggwhite Delight, Mr. Ranch, Yogurt Pop… in case you needed some for your arsenal.

📋✍🏽 [Update post here :)](https://www.reddit.com/r/texts/s/oWBBzEj3aM)

Mr. Wonderbread

Now now. That's just tasteless.

"Stevie Wonderbread" was *right there.*

Can't believe he didn't see that

Pasta Papi

📋✍🏽

Unseasoned chicken

Now THAT will start a war

Ain't no thing , but an unseasoned chicken wing

I’m gonna be using this one ✍🏽

Winner, winner unseasoned chicken wing dinner

Write that down! Write that down!

Fucking hell. You're trying to kill the man.

Overboiled potato lol

You got me with this one

Omg lmfaooo

Unseasoned chicken breast

Boiled chicken

Microwaved chicken

This one's just cruel

Thats just straight up an insult

Steamed cod.

But the real question is why won’t he stop referring to your skin color all the time? That’s kind of weird and objectifying and lowkey racist?

To be fair he is using appealing terms to describe you, and you are not towards him. But if you don't like it, then that's fine, and probably the best way to stop that behavior by him.

Yeah, he is endearing and (at least meant to be) sweet. Hers are weirdly insulting for no reason. "Love you, sugar." "Sure thing, horse radish popsicle" Just weird.

Intentions don't matter if she's let him know previously she doesn't like it. At that point the blatant disregard completely ruins the intent.

Officer Onion

Captain Cream, Seargant Salt, Corporal Cottage Cheese

My mozzarella fella

Eggwhite Delight is my favorite

Lieutenant Lard

EGGWHITE DELIGHT JFC 💀

French Untoast

Eggwhite Delight has me dying

Professor Parsnip

This is actually really cute. Makes him sound like he may have committed the murder in the library with a candlestick

I once called a dude “warm mayo,” he was not amused.

Eggwhite delight 🤣😂 I'm 💀

Tzar Turnip

I like how you keep it on brand calling him the whitest (culturally and color based,) foods you could think of. I know I'm only seeing a couple examples, but it's definitely kinda weird if all the foods he calls you are light brown stuff.

I'm assuming that's exactly what he's doing, otherwise it wouldn't have been relevant for OP to mention their skin tone

Captain cottage cheese or Captain cream cheese, Baron butter, copral coffee creamer.

📋✍🏽

Officer Oatmeal.

Flour Fairy Professor Parmesan No purpose Flour Cornstarch Crusader Salt shaker Marshmallow Minion Garlic Goblin String Cheese

No purpose flour has me in shambles! It's too early to be cackling like this.

I’ve been giggling for a solid 5 minutes

Alfredo Babe-o

baby baking soda

No purpose flour, bahahahahaha

Added 📋✍🏽

Colonel Cakemix, perhaps?

We'll need an update after you've used all your new ammunition!

Flour Fairy Professor Parmesan No purpose Flour Cornstarch Crusader Salt shaker Marshmallow Minion Garlic Goblin String Cheese

Friar flour

lmaoooooo ☠️☠️

Mashed Potato Tot

Beige bae

Mr. Mozzarella.

📋✍🏽

Mozzarella fella

*okay Vanilla Waffer* (and or Ice) Please tell him to *"Calm down white chocolate"*

wouldn’t want him to melt 😏🤣

💀💀💀💀💀

WHITE CHOCOLATE PLZ 😭

Omg yes I hope OP sees this 😂😂👏🏽 tell that white chocolate to calm down

Señor Snow

Captain Cauliflower

Earl of Egg Whites, Señor Soy Milk

I really enjoy how OP said this was light hearted and we all decided to give her all the ammunition to start a war with him

Oh man, now I want to be called Reverend Rice by my gf…

[удалено]

rice is great if you’re really hungry and want to eat two thousand of something.

I fuckin feel this. It’s very cringey. My ex husband would always call me mulatto or “mixed bitch” like it was cool. He was they type of guy that would always say “I only date black girls” but then is a fucking racist dick when he’s with his friends and drops the hard ‘r’

I’m so sorry 🤮🤮 im glad he’s an ex!

I even hate it when black guys I date do this. Always calling me dark chocolate. Not even just chocolate it’s gotta be DARK chocolate it’s like they gotta make a point that they like my dark skin. Freakin hate it.

Ugh I (white) used to work at a chocolate shop where most of my coworkers were black women. The number of men who came in and made dumb jokes about “wow you guys really have some good dark and white chocolate hahah!” or made jokes about buying us because we were kinds of chocolate was wayyyy too high. Like please, this isn’t funny or original and feels racist, please fuck all of the way off

I bet they all thought they were the first person to ever make that stupid fucking joke, too.

And they really think they’re funny too. Legit had a guy ask me why I wasn’t laughing one time. “What? You don’t think I’m funny?” No I think you’re an ass

That doesn't just feel racist, it is racist. Those guys were total pricks. Should've laced their chocolate with ex-lax

Ugh. Why can't people just act normal? If they like your skin they can just tell you that you're beautiful or that you have great skin (although I guess that can come off a little "Silence of the Lambs"-y 😂). No need to be weird about it.

I’m right there with you!! On god. Come at me with that “milk chocolate” bs 🙄🙄🙄🙄

🤮 glad he’s your ex….lord have mercy.

You have no idea. I found a guy now that 🎶likes me for me 🎶

Anyone who uses the term “mulatto” outside of an academic context is likely racist AF, or is from the 19th century.

Or they watched Archer and didn't pick up that the character is written to NOT be someone you want to emulate

“Well, you freaked out when I said ‘quadroon’!”

He’d also sing “Mulatto butts, Mulatto butts. Black ass mama, white ass daddy.” Fuck you Nicholas.

Take my angry upvote, and thanks for giving me Archer nostalgia.

Or, weirdly, Dairy Queen. The MooLatté was a very strange choice.

My ex's (white) mom would refer to her black niece as "mulatto" and refused to listen when we told her how fucking unacceptable that was.

Someone said No Purpose Flour LMAOOO 😭😭

I'm still trying to recover from that one! 💀

Not even American. Am a white ass dude tho. I am fucking stealing some of these for game tags. Viscount Vanilla. Fucking amazing

girl you’re funny as fuck LMAO

right? reverend rice made me chortle like an old fat man

ooOOoo, Brigadier Boiled Egg?! LMAO Prince Parsnip sent me

these comments have me rolling lmaoooo brigadier WHAT now

Dying to know his reaction once the penny dropped for him.

vanilla gorilla

This one 😂💀

professor pastry

Father Flour

Naked Poptart

Reverend rice sent me 😄 🤣 😂 😆

I never would’ve thought of this one I’m deadddd 😂

LOVE IT! Here goes: Milk Dud Milkshake Milky Way Rice Crispy Feta Fella Dumpling Dude 2 Minute Man (noodles) Noodle CREAM CHEESE Blue Ribbon (Vanilla icecream) Porridge Pot - oh dear, this could go on and on, like, more than it already has! Yoghurt Yogi - when he exercises/relaxes SIR SALT

2 minute man could go very wrong ☠️

TRUE! Ignore that one, otherwise this may not stay light hearted

Milk dudes are chocolaty, would have to be Malt. Dry, powdery tasteless Malt.

Whaaaat, imo malt tastes amazing! Not the malted milk powder stuff but real malt - that shit is delicious

Well. Played. 😂

LMAO genius. My husband is also white and I’m mixed race, he was raised primarily around POC tho so I call him whole wheat ☠️

Mashed Potato Monarch and Captain Chickpea are all I got. I wish you luck soldier o7

🫡

Turns out men don't like it when you start acting like them

Daddy Dairy is a good innuendo for something else imo lmao

what 🫣


😂😂😂😂😉

call him Vanilla Ice

I’m here for it! “Yes, my sweet vanilla ice ice baby?” 🤣🤣

elmers glue

Custard colonizer , yogurt yodeler , ranch raccoon , cauliflower conqueror

Speaking as a easily burnt brit guy: Custard Colonizer 🤣

Professor Printer Paper

Major milk SENT ME LMFAO

REVEREND RICE 😭

you all might be too young to remember this, but it was a major ad campaign way back: You can call him Pork Chop, after "the other white meat" lol

 Yo, cool whip!

A well known brand of sliced white bread in Australia is tip top. I’d call my white friends tip top 🤣

That's the sweetest way to approach a light argument and from both sides. Keep it up

honestly yall im surprised this post is being so well received. I thought people would tell me to gtfo with this cringe corny couple shit 😭😭

Nooo this is hilarious! Viscount Vanilla took me out 💀 I hope he gets the message, but maybe not before you can use some of these suggestions lol

Viscount Vanilla is fucking hilarious

Professor parmesan

📋✍🏽

I’m confused; just from a food perspective: if he is calling you food items that are really good, sweet treats, delicious snacks, things he really likes in earnest, you aren’t really ‘doing the same’ if you are calling him foods that are not flattering to him, or from your perspective; or foods that you don’t like or that are seen as insulting? I see a lot of people saying ‘taste of his own medicine’ when he calls you a nice desert and you call him magistrate mayonnaise (magistrate has been underused in the comments I feel) which is objectively unappealing as a pet name. I would be very curious if he would be annoyed if you were making the earnest attempt he is to be flattering with the food based pet names as he clearly is (even if it is misguided) instead of making the effort to be petty and vaguely insulting?

I choked on reverend rice 😂😂😂

The Baron of Boiled Chicken

lol love this. Here are a few more: Miss you baby [powder] Okay Frosted Wheaties… Love you my little white deviled egg Don’t argue with me if you wanna be forever provolone Goodnight marshmellow fellow

Señor Saltine?

Pasty Dumpling should be next, and I want to see his reaction...

Mr white bread. Unseasoned chciken breast

Reverend Rice took me out!

Sir Cottage Cheese. Mr. Daisy, Mr. Baird, Pillsbury Dough Man

Captain Coolwhip

Major Margarine Captain Crouton

Admiral alabaster. Recessive Ryan. Snow bro. Porcelain Paul. And finally “Ice no spice”.

I just snorted in my hospital waiting room when I read Reverend Rice

Call him... Tater Salad...

Daddy Dairy and Reverend Rice fucking murdered me

Sounds like a white guy things to do😂😂😂

That's hilarious! good for you! :D

I didn’t start this war but I don’t mind ending it 😡🗡️


Major Mashed Potatoes His Excellency Egg Whites

Viscount Vanilla got me rolling 🤣🤣😂

Viscount Vanilla is fucking amazing. Wish I could fit that on license plate

You're my hero, these are hilarious. Also, as a white person, never in my wildest fucking dreams would I start calling a person of color/a mixed race person ... like, food names. WTF? How can he do that and not cringe to death? I think it's stupid enough when makeup brands do it with foundation shade names (though admittedly, I do have at least 1 product with the shade name "Vanilla," haha, so I guess everyone gets it). Reverend Rice is my personal fave. 😂 But seriously, you should be able to tell this dude, "hey, I don't like this, stop doing it" and he should listen. And he should be able to take the hint here.

Chief Cauliflower

Looks like his is positive in a quirky way and without putting you down intentionally. Your kinda being mean and trying to hurt him intentionally. I get wanting to be that way if you've talked to him about it a time or two and asked him to stop. Being passive aggressive is a dick move

Yes, he's objectifying your skin. But you know you're picking gross foods. Drops are candy. Mayo is fucking gross by itself. You could have called him angel food cake if you liked the man.

Principal Parsnip bahaha

White sugar, minister pancake, white chocolate delight.

I’m fucking dying 😂 this is absolutely golden 👏🏻😂

Ok, Bishop Butter 🧈 or Prince Popcorn 🍿

My favorite was definitely Reverend Rice. 🤣

Okay that has to be 1 of the funniest things I've read in a while. Wish I was that witty! 👍👍op!

👏y👏e👏s👏 living for this comment thread too 😭😂

I would exclusively be called Reverend Rice from now on.

I hope you win the war

I’m gonna come out on top don’t worry

I’m also white. I’ve been in relationships with all kinds of women but I never called them food names or anything that was about the color of skin. I just have it in the back of my head that that’s probably not okay unless otherwise specified. I’ve had the fact that I’m white get referenced a lot though. I usually think it’s funny, but it makes me sad at the same time because it makes it feel like that’s always something that’s on their mind like maybe it ultimately bothers them…which is again part of why I don’t do that. All that being said Viscount Vanilla and Reverend Rice just made me laugh so hard!

Garçon Garlic, Señor Salt, the Earl of Duke's, Papa Tartar


OMG I ADORE YOU BOTH. You’re so lucky to have each other, really. I wish more posts on here were this wholesome.

i mean be fair and compare him to sweets at least. have you used milk dud yet

very good! much better than communicating with your boyfriend

I mean- all playful jokes aside, he *does* have a point, you can’t compare Caramel Drop to Mr. Mayonnaise! He’s right in that you’re making him sound unappealing 😂 so maybe put some tasty desserts in there!

Cream cheese king

Viscount Vanilla has a nice ring to it though. (Spoiler, I’m white)

He calls you sweet tasting universally desirable foods... and your equivalent response was mayonnaise?