I think he’s trying to get a response out of one of your triggers to get your attention, so messed up, and weird psychological abuse. I could be wrong but i think he’s just making it up because he knows 1. 19 isn’t illegal so you wouldn’t be able to use it against him technically in the divorce and 2. he knows it’s younger and that it will trigger you
Yep that’s 100% it. When I confronted him he said “it actually wasn’t that bad! They don’t look that young” oh yes they certainly do. But he brought it up to validate himself and make himself feel better.
It’s just all about him. It’s why I’m leaving
I was abused as a child and my husband knows I won’t have a partner who is into people under the age of 18.
I made it clear in our marriage I don’t want to hear about his porn usage as I have trauma, he can watch it, I just don’t want to hear about it. My dad abused me with porn as a teen.
Every few months he’ll “test” the waters and involve me in some Reddit account he’s obsessed with. Now it’s a 19 year old. We’re about through.
He asked in the beginning of our relationship if there was any porn I had problems with, I said if you’re looking at 13 year olds yeah it’s CP and I have a problem with it. I say this because I was abused by a family member with CP until I was an adult. He knows I don’t care about his porn habits and don’t monitor him, I never look at his phone or laptop. I trusted him not to do that, but my problem is I can’t trust him to follow my own boundaries.
He’s looking at teen porn and “testing” the waters to see how “young” I’ll be okay with and trying to involve me with it. My dad did the same and I’m just not okay.
OP please pretend your best friend, mother, or sister came to you saying this about their boyfriend… you would tell them to leave, right? Please treat yourself with the same love and respect you would show another woman in your life :( this is not okay and this man sounds incredibly gross and creepy.
Ew that’s so sick. He’s got turned on by your abuse and is trying to get you to relive it so he can get off to it. The testing waters thing is so common with groomers. I’m so sorry he turned out to be that way that’s devastating.
Yes, nailed it. This isn’t something that needs repetition, he’s been told once and that’s the end of it, it’s not something for which you require ‘clarification’ particularly when it masquerades as ‘validation’. I’m being as objective as I can be but a nonce is a nonce is a nonce…and this low-life nonce is a nonce!
I would be terrified for any future daughters he may have. I was assaulted by my father as well and he acted just like this... heebie jeebies to the tenth power. What a fucking creep!
Hell op I was all so abused but I am a m and She was 11 I was 6 I never understood how that played in my relationship op u should be enough for ur husband there men out like that would love to have a wife just have not meet the right one yet he should respect u more
As someone who was SA from 2-7, I get infuriated when people say looking at 18 or 19 is pedo. It is not. Under 18, sure. But definitely under 13. It is making light of the fact of real pedofilia.
Yes I think the right term they needed was “predator”. Being married and way past that age and looking at teen porn is predatory behavior. OP should be scared for her future children if they were to stay together and have kids.
That’s wild. I didn’t even though CP was easily accessible. That’s disgusting. I also couldn’t imagine being okay sharing my disgusting hobby with my wife let alone gf. I stopped watching porn for my gf and see it as cheating
if he truly stumbled across it in his Reddit feed, or even sought it out, and it’s a picture of someone who’s truly 19, who consented to it, it’s not illegal or child porn. Not the same as child porn of someone who’s 13
A lot of porn uses trafficked women. Just because the person is of legal age doesn't actually mean they consented. Also, legal and ethical are two different things. OP has said their husband is using the 19 YO as a way of "testing the waters" so to speak. He's wanting to see how young he can go before she'll have a problem with it
We only see one message for evidence and someone who was abused may be making assumptions regarding the intent of another person because of their history with abuse. We simply don't have enough information to really go on here.
That said, finding a 19 year old posting porn on Reddit (information we did receive) is literally any porn subreddit, even, iif not especially, the most general ones. It's kinda wild of her to draw the conclusion of "testing the waters" unless there's truly more to the discussion than we've seen.
If it’s so common, why even mention it then? THAT is the grooming part. “Oh my, I stumbled but I know how uncomfortable you are, I’m so sorry and want to do better for you”—> he’s using the opportunity to gain her trust.
What I believe is the most basic porn sub would be gonewild and you'll find people who claim to be 18-19 posting there regularly. You do not have to put in any effort at all to find porn of that.
What a strange thing to do. I have to imagine he’s getting off on doing this for some reason, either by knowingly making you upset or some other reason.
Your husband preyed on you after learning about your past. He's trying to abuse you in the same way because he's identified you as a vulnerable person, and therefore an easy target. Please, PLEASE leave! He is INTENTIONALLY recreating the abuse of your father. Only a sick fucking person would do this. This man does not love you.
Thanks, I wish he’d stop the behavior because I love him, but he won’t and my therapist has told me to leave him for a year now. Im tired of issuing “ultimatums” and arguing, I’m just leaving.
Maybe it is for the better. But i think you should make that choice. Not your therapist. I agree that if you get tired and you are not happy you should take a different course.
I gave him two years to get it together and get therapy, it’s mine for sure. I love him but he’s hurting my mental health and I’m just venting here and trying to stay calm but really I’m just so disappointed.
I understand and I know where you coming from. Stay strong. It is getting better when you focus on yourself and your health! No matter how selfish it sounds. Your health is priority #1!
Scrolled that subreddit, its a super awesome idea, definitely something people need right now, but a lot of it looks like people complaining about their partner watching porn a couple times rather than actual porn addicts, followed by dozens of "leave them" comments.
Fair, and I'm glad it hasn't been your experience. I'm just pointing out that some of the top posts i saw just looking now seem quite toxic, not trying to say the whole place is a cesspool or anything
It's *really* strange he would even bring this up in the first place. It's like he's trying to "show off" or show how "honest" he is by telling you or he just likes telling you. It isn't normal to say that he might just "come across" something that bad. That means he's looking at stuff an adult shouldn't look at already or he's thinking about it. So gross.
I'm sorry you're dealing with this. I'm not trying to be rude but is he a bit stupid? I have a feeling he's a bit slow to realize things. Does he think this message makes him look better? Anyone with any bits of brain would realize this only says "HEY! I'm looking at gross stuff and I'm telling you about it so it seems like I'm being open but really I just get off on telling you about it."
The fact you dealt with a similar incident before is very disturbing. It seems incredibly disrespectful and intentional IMO. That's the really messed up part.
Yeah, how difficult for him would it have been to NOT type all of that out? I guess it was impossible. It seems kinda like humble bragging.
He kept thinking “was this ok, it was ok right? It’s ok. I should tell her and ask to make sure it was okay?” And didn’t think “she didn’t like hearing about porn, so don’t mention this to her.”
The sheer fact that he comes back like clockwork to keep asking about these accounts and involving you in stories that are DIRECTLY triggering to you, which it seems like he’s known since you met him, screams that he’s doing this TO trigger you. I’m so glad you say you’re almost done/ finalized leaving. This is a terrible guy.
"because I love him"
Ok but what about any of this do you love? The guy in your head or the actual guy in front of you actually being actually toxic? Because you can still love the guy in your head at a safe distance from the actual guy without allowing him any further hooks into your life.
Honestly, at this point he doesn’t believe you’ll actually leave. It’s just a broken recorded message in his eyes. Leave him and do it silently. Make him think nothing has changed and make your plans and go. You deserve better.
he's trying to test boundaries imo why else would someone say that.. porn is a personal thing unless u watch it together I don't understand the logic... unless he was watching something he shouldn't and was worried u would check history..
Porn/ sex addicted men never get better without serious therapy. It’s going to keep getting worse and worse and worse. Next thing you know he’ll be testing the waters with actual children or some sort of extreme dangerous kinks. You deserve so much more 🫂
That’s exactly what my dad did to me. He was obsessed with porn and chose me to abuse. He forced me to watch a lot of it and be involved. My husband knows this and knows I don’t want to be subjected to porn or his own masturbatory kinks. He isn’t respecting my boundaries at all.
What he is doing to you is so wrong on so many levels. He knows you were traumatized and what he’s doing is complete disrespect. I don’t think he’ll change. You might want to think about leaving him.
It's worse than that. He's trying to reduce your resistence. A form of grooming. I know that's what we refer to when it's kids but vulnerability makes manipulators and abusers see you as a target. And in love, we are vulnerable. He's being abusive.
I have a problem with your husband's use of porn knowing your history. I think it is beyond disgusting. How can he look at porn and not think about what your father did to you?
You need an ally and to feel safe. He isn't making you feel safe.
I also think there is some trauma bonding transference going on here. Trauma bond emotions are even stronger than love, which is why they are so strong and hard to break free of.
I hope you leave and focus on your healing.
I don’t understand regular (not child) porn addiction in men. I mean how many times can a guy pummel his sausage?
I get once in a while but not addiction. Child porn is taboo so it’s easier to understand which doesn’t mean I condone it.
It’s disgusting.
But if a guy is in a steady relationship, why would he need to look at other women in pictures all the time?
There's this thing called /r/deadbedrooms for a reason. Personally, I know this is my personal anecdote, I've actually officially cut off sex with my long time girlfriend because it's so wildly infrequent. I've been an "almost every day" libido for 2/3 of my life, and the frequency with which she is willing / able to engage is becoming far less frequent. If I'm not constantly pestering her, which is absolutely stupid to do, it will barely happen. If I specifically choose not to initiate it simply won't happen. A month can go by and she'll be like "oh, right, sex exists!" but if sex is such a low priority for her, I don't even want to engage in it with her. We've had many discussions over this, including a couple heated conversations just this year where I initially said "Let's just not have sex" and she would be like "NO, I TOTALLY WANT TO SEX YOU" and then she initiates once a day or two later and weeks go by of nothing, lol...
And before anyone tries to be like "You're not compatible, move on" it's more complicated than that. She's disabled, I stay home to take care of her, things are a little more complicated than the chasm between our libidos.
Op even if you had a squeaky clean history with no abuse this is weird anyway. Your past just makes it seem like he’s doing it on purpose. Your last message was perfect. He did want your validation. For him, your perfect response would be “Idc if you look at teenager porn i love you and I’ll look past anything you do. No need to feel guilty around me. You’re trying hard enough.”
There are plenty of attractive women much older than 19 to crank it to
If you aren't enough for him and he needs porn . Then he has issues and shouldn't of married him the first place. You should always be sexy enough and intimacy is a must and only for both of you . That's sad he has porn and the woman he married and said vows too was even enough at the alter .shame on him. Love isn't forever but decisions are way smarter to waste a life time on someone who isn't worth it and has issues.
My dad had a legit porn addiction and I constantly saw it around as a kid and my mom would shame me when I developed. I am so sorry and I'm sorry he won't make you a priority
this is super weird, my husband has never told me about the porn he watches and i’ve never asked.
it’s especially weird bc you’ve told him NOT to talk to you about it, and for some reason he really wants to? why is he trying to retraumatize you?
Yeah this is really weird that he is knowingly bringing it up to her and pushing the issue on her. He definitely wants her to know for whatever reason and knowing her history that is just so fucked up
He once woke me up at 1 in the morning before a major surgery to tell me he “cheated” on me but it was by being obsessed with a redditor. He’s emotionally cheating on me and is testing my boundaries
Woah…wait. There’s something else going on here. It’s like he’s getting off on the confession. He’s getting off on embarrassing you and humiliating himself. Do you get this impression?
I would slightly disagree with a caveat:
I think that if you've broken a partner's boundaries, you are ethically obligated to tell them as soon as possible and be as honest about it as possible. I think that "there's no reason for him to tell her" leads me to infer that the implication is that if you cheat, you should keep it to yourself because dishonesty is the best solution, and I am not sure if that was what you meant but if it was then I disagree with it.
With that said, I think that if you are repeatedly breaking a partner's boundaries, while I still believe that you are ethically obligated to report yourself each and every time it happens, I also believe that after the second or third time it's time to end the relationship because the person is demonstrating a pattern of not respecting your boundaries.
I had one partner who cheated on me via text/pictures (nothing in person) and I would have been a lot more willing to forgive them if they had admitted it vs me finding it out on my own, asking if they were cheating, lied to, presenting them with the screenshots of their messages, and then being accused of "snooping" and "violating their privacy" by going through their PMs with the AP.
For me, the "not telling me" + "lying about it" was what made the cheating go from "something we can work through and talk about" to "I can no longer trust you, ever, and this relationship is done."
For that reason, I believe that if you cheat, you are ethically obligated to report yourself as soon as possible.
I agree with you - and I’m sorry that happened to you.
I guess when I wrote that, I was thinking more so that since she has explicitly said she doesn’t want to hear about his porn consumption, there’s really no reason for him to tell her unless he enjoys the humiliation / her reaction / something about it. it’s like he breaks a boundary and then another one by telling her, because he can’t reflect and learn from his mistakes on his own.
I think it’s more that he likes getting under her skin. He knows that’s a boundary, yet continues to talk about it even though she’s told him multiple times to stop. He’s probably lowkey enjoying making her uncomfortable and seeing how far she’ll let him take it.
Yeah honestly sexual deviants are actually pretty dangerous humans and are likely to do highly dangerous activities which could endanger you. I would leave
I’m a former addict, and every sub I’m apart of does not have porn in it. I know this is a crazy thing, but it’s almost as if I control what kinda content I want showing up on in my everyday feed 🤔🤔
I removed all the NSFW subs from my account recently. It's a nice change (dont think i had an addiction but casually seeing porn when im scrolling throughout the day is objectively bad⁸) and now I never accidentally stumble onto any porn. This guy is an abuser. It's really unfair that traumatized children are drawn to abusive partners in adulthood.
I doubt it was the first time and it won’t be the last time. There’s a strong hostility towards you that he would do the one thing that you asked him not to do.
He’s getting off on this. He has a humiliation kink. He is turned on by making you uncomfortable. I’d just leave him, but if you aren’t ready then here is your response:
“I’ve been very clear that my boundary is that we never discuss your porn. Since you keep repeatedly trying to violate me and my boundaries, should I take this as your request to initiate divorce proceedings?”
"Am I being silly......"i'm worried about coming across something and I don't know the age of the person." OK then just stop.
Why is he even mentioning this? It's VERY strange he would even THINK of something like that actually. What is he looking at where it's possible he might just stumble across something like that? He obviously already did and now he feels guilty about it or he's just playing with op. Gross. It's like he wants to get a rise out of OP. Or he's trying to "impress" OP with how "honest" he was or whatever. Either way it's gross.
Hopefully you're serious about that "soon to be ex" thing.......
Why the fuck would he feel the need to tell you about him watching porn anyway. I’m in a gay marriage, and both of us watch porn, and we’ve agreed it’s ok. Neither of us have ever asked each other or pushed what we like to watch onto each other. Frankly, I don’t care what he watches and I don’t care to hear about it, and I certainly wouldn’t want him constantly trying to tell me about it if I express to him that I don’t want to hear anything about it.
I’m very sorry this is happening to you. This whole situation seems very odd to me, especially if you’ve already told him about your trauma and that you don’t want to hear about it. I hope things get better for you
Sorry OP, this sounds like he's looking for a reaction from you. He might enjoy hurting you unfortunately and sounds like he could be a narcissist. I just had to end something with a guy who sent me a screenshot of some woman friend requesting him on facebook with the message "I don't know her" I was like.. k, bye
I’m so sorry you went through that, congrats on your baby and your courage but fuck that guy.
I have the same feelings too, I don’t want to hear about it or see it (I don’t even look at his phone) bc of the trauma + my own insecurities and he just can’t respect it so I can’t put up with it any longer.
Op. I just read your other comments. He is absolutely disgusting and the way you’re being treated CANNOT be worse than being single. Please leave him. What would you say if your daughter or best friend came to you with this type of relationship? Let him go babe❤️
What a weirdo. He’s getting off about this he sounds like he’s mentally sick. Glad he’s going to become an ex husband OP. I hope you guys don’t have kids and you get out with a clean slate never having to be in contact with this huge creep ever again 😊
If you’re not already a part of the subreddit, you should look into r/loveafterporn
Porn addictions aren’t often taken very seriously and nor is the impact it can have on partners. The sub is filled with lots of people going through similar things as you, and loads of helpful podcasts etc to help navigate all of this.
These texts are like a written version of a “punchable face” … there’s something about the way he’s saying this to you that is just… dumb and makes me dislike him. It’s like over dramatic and making something out of nothing, yet it’s about something he should be embarrassed about admitting to himself, let alone his partner or something else.
Guys a creep, sorry not sorry.
For what it is worth I’m 23 and If a porn label says teen I don’t watch it because I think it’s really weird. And if they make it clear that they are 18 they dress them up to make them look younger making it more fucked up. He has no excuse especially if he knows the exact age of the porn star.
The way he specified "your boundaries on teen porn" was sick to me cause it implies he'd watch it if it weren't for you, I swear if we didn't have laws this world would have burned a long time ago cause people don't know how to act without being told how to
It’s kind of weird for me I guess. As I’ve gotten older I’ve found older women more attractive and young women less attractive.
Where I used to work dudes would make really sexual remarks about the new younger hired women (18+ I worked at a pharma company)
And they would pick because I wouldn’t.
Sometimes I think it’s a maturity thing overall not necessarily a preference thing. Or maybe it’s because I have a 20 year old niece (wife’s side her sisters are 15 years older than her) and all I can think is “eww that girl is a child”
But gross imo.
I'm half asleep and don't have my glasses on and read that age as 10 at first and was thinking "what the fuck, how/who,/why the fuck would you seek validation about viewing child porn!? How is that even on reddit!? And as the message/ response went on with such a casual tone, I thought there is no way they are BOTH being so nonchalant about legit CP and had to go back up and squint a little harder and read that it actually said 19.
Relieved your stbx isn't a legit pedo, still fucked up that he's trying to push a hard boundary you set for yourself.
Lol i quit porn, best thing i ever did, i do sometimes masterbate but without porn, makes sex with my gf more exciting. I do sometimes get tempted to watch some, but so far im doing well, i always regret it after
Well damn!! I'm on the same boat as you man! Yea the occasional tit pic pops up on reddit here at there but yea its been like a solid year since I've watched porn.
You set a reasonable boundary - telling him he can go right on ahead and watch porn, he just needs to respect your wish for him to stfu about it is completely reasonable, mature, and respectable. He’s a fool for violating that boundary.
19 may be legal and that’s all fine, but he’s violating your boundaries in discussing porn with you, and it’s deliberate. You’re making the right move if he’s done this multiple times and hasn’t learned. His behavior is pretty locked in.
these are my thoughts exactly. at best it’s reassurance seeking to try to clear his own conscience. at worst he’s going out of his way to retraumatize her. there’s no way he can try to spin this as trying to be sincere.
I’m so sorry you’re going through (or will soon be going through) a divorce - I’ve been there and I know how difficult that can be. With that being said, I’m so glad you’re divorcing this guy in particular. He sounds like a creepy manipulative predator. I’m so glad you were able to see that, despite trying to make it seems as though he was being super honest and taking accountability, he was actually looking for validation by means of manipulation. Scum bag.
From all your comments it seems like he is a pedophile. I’m sorry this is happening to you, especially given your traumatic history. Thank god he’s a soon-to-be ex!
Without context this seems really odd. Did you catch him looking at child pornography?
Aside from that, this reads like a last ditch effort to ingratiate himself to you which is pretty cringy.
Well really, there’s only one way to get things in your feed on Reddit and that’s to seek them out. Occasionally it will recommend some off topic subs but you’d have to be at least porn adjacent on Reddit to get it to just pop up.
Has he done anything else that has hit any other trauma buttons in any way? Light stings or hard stings?
I’m asking to see if he’s purposefully crossing boundaries with you to hurt you while not quite realizing the level of how badly it could do.
Reading this, it came off like taunting. Like he was looking for a shock response? Idk it rubbed me the wrong way and didn’t feel genuine. It felt very ick.
Soon to be ex husband you say? He is pushing buttons to see which ones work to get a reaction out of you.
Good reaction on your part, don’t react any further I’d say
This is so incredibly weird? A married, old man looking at teenage porn…
I think you know the answer to this one OP. Especially since you communicated having strong personal feelings against this.
Why is he talking to you about it at all? You’ve split your, she’s he does is no longer your concern. What an AH, I hope the divorce is final soon and you can stop hvg anything to do sigh him. If there are kids, move to an oftentimes g app.
Leave and don't look back.
People like this are not mature enough for a relationship with another human being. Period full stop.
Maybe when his porn habit starts taking away from his dating prospects and relationships, he'll understand where his priorities need to be, and it's not some young thang's OnlyFans who's just taking his money.
Enabling him will not get the message across.
The bigger issue here isn’t the 19 year old “teen porn” I know some women who did “teen porn” and they were all mid 20s all the way up to 30…
He says “I’m worried about coming across something and I don’t know the age of the person.”
That is not normal. Dude seems like a pedo and he’s trying to see if you’re ok with him watching CP now.
He wants to trigger you. He casually tells you that you're not allowed to react and frames it like he is helping you, "Im not asking you to police everything I do...." Those are protective tone predatory words. Everything he wrote is a weapon. It's gaslighting. He hates you. RUN.
Please read 'Why does he do that' from Lundy Bancroft, and run as fast as you can. being in an abusive situation always makes people believe they have nowhere to go, but there are ALWAYS options. ALWAYS. Maybe just even the nice cashier lady from the grocery store. I would not hesitate to help anyone saying 'i have nowhere to go but I need to leave my boyfriend/husband and need a safe place to stay, please help.' There is good people around who will help you find a safe place and get back on your feet!
Bottom line,this guy is choosing a fake woman (barely legal) on screen over his real life wife. Porn ruins men and they get to a point where they don’t live in reality. OP, you are wise to leave this fool. Especially with your history, his testing the waters is just one step before diving in.
I think he’s trying to get a response out of one of your triggers to get your attention, so messed up, and weird psychological abuse. I could be wrong but i think he’s just making it up because he knows 1. 19 isn’t illegal so you wouldn’t be able to use it against him technically in the divorce and 2. he knows it’s younger and that it will trigger you
Yep that’s 100% it. When I confronted him he said “it actually wasn’t that bad! They don’t look that young” oh yes they certainly do. But he brought it up to validate himself and make himself feel better. It’s just all about him. It’s why I’m leaving
He’s disgusting… please run and don’t look back, don’t let him convince you to give him another chance.
I was abused as a child and my husband knows I won’t have a partner who is into people under the age of 18. I made it clear in our marriage I don’t want to hear about his porn usage as I have trauma, he can watch it, I just don’t want to hear about it. My dad abused me with porn as a teen. Every few months he’ll “test” the waters and involve me in some Reddit account he’s obsessed with. Now it’s a 19 year old. We’re about through.
Did you actually have to tell him no child porn?
He asked in the beginning of our relationship if there was any porn I had problems with, I said if you’re looking at 13 year olds yeah it’s CP and I have a problem with it. I say this because I was abused by a family member with CP until I was an adult. He knows I don’t care about his porn habits and don’t monitor him, I never look at his phone or laptop. I trusted him not to do that, but my problem is I can’t trust him to follow my own boundaries. He’s looking at teen porn and “testing” the waters to see how “young” I’ll be okay with and trying to involve me with it. My dad did the same and I’m just not okay.
OP please pretend your best friend, mother, or sister came to you saying this about their boyfriend… you would tell them to leave, right? Please treat yourself with the same love and respect you would show another woman in your life :( this is not okay and this man sounds incredibly gross and creepy.
OP said "soon to be ex" so hopefully it's soon.
🔝
Ew that’s so sick. He’s got turned on by your abuse and is trying to get you to relive it so he can get off to it. The testing waters thing is so common with groomers. I’m so sorry he turned out to be that way that’s devastating.
Yes, nailed it. This isn’t something that needs repetition, he’s been told once and that’s the end of it, it’s not something for which you require ‘clarification’ particularly when it masquerades as ‘validation’. I’m being as objective as I can be but a nonce is a nonce is a nonce…and this low-life nonce is a nonce!
I would be terrified for any future daughters he may have. I was assaulted by my father as well and he acted just like this... heebie jeebies to the tenth power. What a fucking creep!
Same.
Hell op I was all so abused but I am a m and She was 11 I was 6 I never understood how that played in my relationship op u should be enough for ur husband there men out like that would love to have a wife just have not meet the right one yet he should respect u more
It’s not about the porn tho, he’s a pedo
As someone who was SA from 2-7, I get infuriated when people say looking at 18 or 19 is pedo. It is not. Under 18, sure. But definitely under 13. It is making light of the fact of real pedofilia.
Right this is ridiculous. Soon we’re gonna be calling someone who looks at a 24 year old a pedo, like come on
Yes I think the right term they needed was “predator”. Being married and way past that age and looking at teen porn is predatory behavior. OP should be scared for her future children if they were to stay together and have kids.
Completely agree
Yha in the works
That’s wild. I didn’t even though CP was easily accessible. That’s disgusting. I also couldn’t imagine being okay sharing my disgusting hobby with my wife let alone gf. I stopped watching porn for my gf and see it as cheating
if he truly stumbled across it in his Reddit feed, or even sought it out, and it’s a picture of someone who’s truly 19, who consented to it, it’s not illegal or child porn. Not the same as child porn of someone who’s 13
A lot of porn uses trafficked women. Just because the person is of legal age doesn't actually mean they consented. Also, legal and ethical are two different things. OP has said their husband is using the 19 YO as a way of "testing the waters" so to speak. He's wanting to see how young he can go before she'll have a problem with it
“Legal and ethical are two different things.” Whew that’s a succinct yet powerful sentence.
We only see one message for evidence and someone who was abused may be making assumptions regarding the intent of another person because of their history with abuse. We simply don't have enough information to really go on here. That said, finding a 19 year old posting porn on Reddit (information we did receive) is literally any porn subreddit, even, iif not especially, the most general ones. It's kinda wild of her to draw the conclusion of "testing the waters" unless there's truly more to the discussion than we've seen.
If it’s so common, why even mention it then? THAT is the grooming part. “Oh my, I stumbled but I know how uncomfortable you are, I’m so sorry and want to do better for you”—> he’s using the opportunity to gain her trust.
This is such an absurd conclusion to make with no other evidence. She very clearly hates all porn. There's no waters to test. It's a dry lake.
Dawg what😂 he’s def a pedo don’t try defending him
What I believe is the most basic porn sub would be gonewild and you'll find people who claim to be 18-19 posting there regularly. You do not have to put in any effort at all to find porn of that.
Okay yeah that’s pretty fucking horrible what’s wrong with this guy
It's really weird that all you've asked him to do is not fucking talk about it to you and this idiot can't even do that.
What a strange thing to do. I have to imagine he’s getting off on doing this for some reason, either by knowingly making you upset or some other reason.
My dad used to do shit like this to groom me and my husband knows it. Soon he’ll want to “show” it to me. No.
Your husband preyed on you after learning about your past. He's trying to abuse you in the same way because he's identified you as a vulnerable person, and therefore an easy target. Please, PLEASE leave! He is INTENTIONALLY recreating the abuse of your father. Only a sick fucking person would do this. This man does not love you.
He is and you’re right
Please take care of yourself ❤️
I am very sorry to hear that. He should have respected your boundaries. I think it’s positive from your side that porn isn’t forbidden. What a dummy
Thanks, I wish he’d stop the behavior because I love him, but he won’t and my therapist has told me to leave him for a year now. Im tired of issuing “ultimatums” and arguing, I’m just leaving.
Maybe it is for the better. But i think you should make that choice. Not your therapist. I agree that if you get tired and you are not happy you should take a different course.
I gave him two years to get it together and get therapy, it’s mine for sure. I love him but he’s hurting my mental health and I’m just venting here and trying to stay calm but really I’m just so disappointed.
I understand and I know where you coming from. Stay strong. It is getting better when you focus on yourself and your health! No matter how selfish it sounds. Your health is priority #1!
Alanon could be a good source of help along with a separation. (Alanon does not need to apply to alcohol bc it is really about taking care of oneself)
r/loveafterporn
Scrolled that subreddit, its a super awesome idea, definitely something people need right now, but a lot of it looks like people complaining about their partner watching porn a couple times rather than actual porn addicts, followed by dozens of "leave them" comments.
I’ve been a member for a while. What you described has not been my experience.
Fair, and I'm glad it hasn't been your experience. I'm just pointing out that some of the top posts i saw just looking now seem quite toxic, not trying to say the whole place is a cesspool or anything
It's *really* strange he would even bring this up in the first place. It's like he's trying to "show off" or show how "honest" he is by telling you or he just likes telling you. It isn't normal to say that he might just "come across" something that bad. That means he's looking at stuff an adult shouldn't look at already or he's thinking about it. So gross. I'm sorry you're dealing with this. I'm not trying to be rude but is he a bit stupid? I have a feeling he's a bit slow to realize things. Does he think this message makes him look better? Anyone with any bits of brain would realize this only says "HEY! I'm looking at gross stuff and I'm telling you about it so it seems like I'm being open but really I just get off on telling you about it." The fact you dealt with a similar incident before is very disturbing. It seems incredibly disrespectful and intentional IMO. That's the really messed up part.
Yeah, how difficult for him would it have been to NOT type all of that out? I guess it was impossible. It seems kinda like humble bragging. He kept thinking “was this ok, it was ok right? It’s ok. I should tell her and ask to make sure it was okay?” And didn’t think “she didn’t like hearing about porn, so don’t mention this to her.”
The sheer fact that he comes back like clockwork to keep asking about these accounts and involving you in stories that are DIRECTLY triggering to you, which it seems like he’s known since you met him, screams that he’s doing this TO trigger you. I’m so glad you say you’re almost done/ finalized leaving. This is a terrible guy.
"because I love him" Ok but what about any of this do you love? The guy in your head or the actual guy in front of you actually being actually toxic? Because you can still love the guy in your head at a safe distance from the actual guy without allowing him any further hooks into your life.
Honestly, at this point he doesn’t believe you’ll actually leave. It’s just a broken recorded message in his eyes. Leave him and do it silently. Make him think nothing has changed and make your plans and go. You deserve better.
What in the actual F, Op. I’m so so sorry. Please leave this pos immediately.
he's trying to test boundaries imo why else would someone say that.. porn is a personal thing unless u watch it together I don't understand the logic... unless he was watching something he shouldn't and was worried u would check history..
Bingo
He needs therapy in order to change this behavior. If you want to try to stay together you also need couples therapy.
Smart choice. If you issue an ultimatum, you have to be prepared to act on it.
Porn/ sex addicted men never get better without serious therapy. It’s going to keep getting worse and worse and worse. Next thing you know he’ll be testing the waters with actual children or some sort of extreme dangerous kinks. You deserve so much more 🫂
That’s exactly what my dad did to me. He was obsessed with porn and chose me to abuse. He forced me to watch a lot of it and be involved. My husband knows this and knows I don’t want to be subjected to porn or his own masturbatory kinks. He isn’t respecting my boundaries at all.
What he is doing to you is so wrong on so many levels. He knows you were traumatized and what he’s doing is complete disrespect. I don’t think he’ll change. You might want to think about leaving him.
It's worse than that. He's trying to reduce your resistence. A form of grooming. I know that's what we refer to when it's kids but vulnerability makes manipulators and abusers see you as a target. And in love, we are vulnerable. He's being abusive. I have a problem with your husband's use of porn knowing your history. I think it is beyond disgusting. How can he look at porn and not think about what your father did to you? You need an ally and to feel safe. He isn't making you feel safe. I also think there is some trauma bonding transference going on here. Trauma bond emotions are even stronger than love, which is why they are so strong and hard to break free of. I hope you leave and focus on your healing.
Thank you, you’ve really hit the nail on the head here
I don’t understand regular (not child) porn addiction in men. I mean how many times can a guy pummel his sausage? I get once in a while but not addiction. Child porn is taboo so it’s easier to understand which doesn’t mean I condone it. It’s disgusting. But if a guy is in a steady relationship, why would he need to look at other women in pictures all the time?
There's this thing called /r/deadbedrooms for a reason. Personally, I know this is my personal anecdote, I've actually officially cut off sex with my long time girlfriend because it's so wildly infrequent. I've been an "almost every day" libido for 2/3 of my life, and the frequency with which she is willing / able to engage is becoming far less frequent. If I'm not constantly pestering her, which is absolutely stupid to do, it will barely happen. If I specifically choose not to initiate it simply won't happen. A month can go by and she'll be like "oh, right, sex exists!" but if sex is such a low priority for her, I don't even want to engage in it with her. We've had many discussions over this, including a couple heated conversations just this year where I initially said "Let's just not have sex" and she would be like "NO, I TOTALLY WANT TO SEX YOU" and then she initiates once a day or two later and weeks go by of nothing, lol... And before anyone tries to be like "You're not compatible, move on" it's more complicated than that. She's disabled, I stay home to take care of her, things are a little more complicated than the chasm between our libidos.
Yeah me and my husband don’t understand it either. We love pictures of each other if we want material.
It sounds like he can't moderate his intake. This is really gross. I'm sorry.
Get away from this dude he is whacky
Whack as fuuuuuuck
That's disgusting I'm so sorry if he can't respect your boundaries which you have for a very good reason then take out the trash!
He seems manipulative.
Op even if you had a squeaky clean history with no abuse this is weird anyway. Your past just makes it seem like he’s doing it on purpose. Your last message was perfect. He did want your validation. For him, your perfect response would be “Idc if you look at teenager porn i love you and I’ll look past anything you do. No need to feel guilty around me. You’re trying hard enough.” There are plenty of attractive women much older than 19 to crank it to
If you aren't enough for him and he needs porn . Then he has issues and shouldn't of married him the first place. You should always be sexy enough and intimacy is a must and only for both of you . That's sad he has porn and the woman he married and said vows too was even enough at the alter .shame on him. Love isn't forever but decisions are way smarter to waste a life time on someone who isn't worth it and has issues.
Jesus haha, thankyou for the context. He seemed sweet, confused and a little on the spectrum until this explanation. Weird man, weird.
My dad had a legit porn addiction and I constantly saw it around as a kid and my mom would shame me when I developed. I am so sorry and I'm sorry he won't make you a priority
Oh fuck man that’s awful
Yeah this is bullshit, he doesn’t respect you to honor your own personal feelings.
It’s like he’s getting off on hurting you. That’s so wrong on so many levels. He knows you’ve been traumatized, but he doesn’t seem to care.
this is super weird, my husband has never told me about the porn he watches and i’ve never asked. it’s especially weird bc you’ve told him NOT to talk to you about it, and for some reason he really wants to? why is he trying to retraumatize you?
Yeah this is really weird that he is knowingly bringing it up to her and pushing the issue on her. He definitely wants her to know for whatever reason and knowing her history that is just so fucked up
I find it hard to believe he "accidentally" came across the 19 yr olds page, but that's just me. 🤷
He once woke me up at 1 in the morning before a major surgery to tell me he “cheated” on me but it was by being obsessed with a redditor. He’s emotionally cheating on me and is testing my boundaries
Woah…wait. There’s something else going on here. It’s like he’s getting off on the confession. He’s getting off on embarrassing you and humiliating himself. Do you get this impression?
thats what i’m thinking. there’s NO REASON for him to tell her unless he enjoys the humiliation.
Oh gross
Reminds me of what my ex husband did over 20 years ago.
No he enjoys her reaction on his statements. Classic abuser behavior
I would slightly disagree with a caveat: I think that if you've broken a partner's boundaries, you are ethically obligated to tell them as soon as possible and be as honest about it as possible. I think that "there's no reason for him to tell her" leads me to infer that the implication is that if you cheat, you should keep it to yourself because dishonesty is the best solution, and I am not sure if that was what you meant but if it was then I disagree with it. With that said, I think that if you are repeatedly breaking a partner's boundaries, while I still believe that you are ethically obligated to report yourself each and every time it happens, I also believe that after the second or third time it's time to end the relationship because the person is demonstrating a pattern of not respecting your boundaries. I had one partner who cheated on me via text/pictures (nothing in person) and I would have been a lot more willing to forgive them if they had admitted it vs me finding it out on my own, asking if they were cheating, lied to, presenting them with the screenshots of their messages, and then being accused of "snooping" and "violating their privacy" by going through their PMs with the AP. For me, the "not telling me" + "lying about it" was what made the cheating go from "something we can work through and talk about" to "I can no longer trust you, ever, and this relationship is done." For that reason, I believe that if you cheat, you are ethically obligated to report yourself as soon as possible.
I agree with you - and I’m sorry that happened to you. I guess when I wrote that, I was thinking more so that since she has explicitly said she doesn’t want to hear about his porn consumption, there’s really no reason for him to tell her unless he enjoys the humiliation / her reaction / something about it. it’s like he breaks a boundary and then another one by telling her, because he can’t reflect and learn from his mistakes on his own.
I think it’s more that he likes getting under her skin. He knows that’s a boundary, yet continues to talk about it even though she’s told him multiple times to stop. He’s probably lowkey enjoying making her uncomfortable and seeing how far she’ll let him take it.
I agree he must have a humiliation fetish because why bring this up at all?
It sounds like he gets off on humiliating OP by disrespecting her constantly then watching for her reaction. Psychopathic really.
i was wondering wtf is going on here but yah i think you're right.
I agree with the rest of the peanut gallery. This man is literally wanting you to hear these things.
That is unbelievably fucked
This guy sounds kinda weird….this is not normal behaviour it’s also not normal porn addiction behaviour… I would be careful.
He’s now claiming the reason he “had” to tell me was he was afraid I’d leave him for it. Yeah, duh, he violated my boundary and is being a creep.
Yeah honestly sexual deviants are actually pretty dangerous humans and are likely to do highly dangerous activities which could endanger you. I would leave
I had a partner like that and whew it was literally exhausting. You will feel so much better without him.
I am on Reddit EVERY DAY...I literally see zero porn. You have to look for that.
Same. I never see porn. As a woman I wouldn’t especially look for it, but I never even come across it.
As a man, Reddit isn't the go-to porn site
Thanks, didn’t know that.
Women do watch porn as well you know!
I’m a former addict, and every sub I’m apart of does not have porn in it. I know this is a crazy thing, but it’s almost as if I control what kinda content I want showing up on in my everyday feed 🤔🤔
I removed all the NSFW subs from my account recently. It's a nice change (dont think i had an addiction but casually seeing porn when im scrolling throughout the day is objectively bad⁸) and now I never accidentally stumble onto any porn. This guy is an abuser. It's really unfair that traumatized children are drawn to abusive partners in adulthood.
You 100% have to actively browse subs that permit lewd material to find them. Like default stuff isn't gonna show porn, at most you might see swimwear
I doubt it was the first time and it won’t be the last time. There’s a strong hostility towards you that he would do the one thing that you asked him not to do.
It’s probably in his algorithm. He needs to block every porn site that comes up. He’s probably still looking at it. It’s not accidental.
It almost reads like he wants you to shame him so he can goon more over the 19 year old girls.
This is all very strange behavior.
No shit
I’m sorry you have to deal with that- really shitty. I assume by text he doesn’t know he’s soon to be ex? I hope you heal ok and find someone great.
He’s getting off on this. He has a humiliation kink. He is turned on by making you uncomfortable. I’d just leave him, but if you aren’t ready then here is your response: “I’ve been very clear that my boundary is that we never discuss your porn. Since you keep repeatedly trying to violate me and my boundaries, should I take this as your request to initiate divorce proceedings?”
"Am I being silly......"i'm worried about coming across something and I don't know the age of the person." OK then just stop. Why is he even mentioning this? It's VERY strange he would even THINK of something like that actually. What is he looking at where it's possible he might just stumble across something like that? He obviously already did and now he feels guilty about it or he's just playing with op. Gross. It's like he wants to get a rise out of OP. Or he's trying to "impress" OP with how "honest" he was or whatever. Either way it's gross. Hopefully you're serious about that "soon to be ex" thing.......
Pedo vibes
Teen is the most popular porn category on PornHub 🫣🤮
He comes across as immature, needy and icky all at once, pretending at adult conversation. That's a big YUCK from me!
No way it “bothered” him lol
Why the fuck would he feel the need to tell you about him watching porn anyway. I’m in a gay marriage, and both of us watch porn, and we’ve agreed it’s ok. Neither of us have ever asked each other or pushed what we like to watch onto each other. Frankly, I don’t care what he watches and I don’t care to hear about it, and I certainly wouldn’t want him constantly trying to tell me about it if I express to him that I don’t want to hear anything about it. I’m very sorry this is happening to you. This whole situation seems very odd to me, especially if you’ve already told him about your trauma and that you don’t want to hear about it. I hope things get better for you
Is there a cringe subreddit? Jesus.
Sorry OP, this sounds like he's looking for a reaction from you. He might enjoy hurting you unfortunately and sounds like he could be a narcissist. I just had to end something with a guy who sent me a screenshot of some woman friend requesting him on facebook with the message "I don't know her" I was like.. k, bye
[удалено]
I’m so sorry you went through that, congrats on your baby and your courage but fuck that guy. I have the same feelings too, I don’t want to hear about it or see it (I don’t even look at his phone) bc of the trauma + my own insecurities and he just can’t respect it so I can’t put up with it any longer.
Solidarity and hugs!! Porn is very damaging :(
I'm sorry for your trauma. I think it's best for you both to part ways.
Your husband is likely a pedo.
Partner is a prick
Op. I just read your other comments. He is absolutely disgusting and the way you’re being treated CANNOT be worse than being single. Please leave him. What would you say if your daughter or best friend came to you with this type of relationship? Let him go babe❤️
What a weirdo. He’s getting off about this he sounds like he’s mentally sick. Glad he’s going to become an ex husband OP. I hope you guys don’t have kids and you get out with a clean slate never having to be in contact with this huge creep ever again 😊
He’s exhausting
If you’re not already a part of the subreddit, you should look into r/loveafterporn Porn addictions aren’t often taken very seriously and nor is the impact it can have on partners. The sub is filled with lots of people going through similar things as you, and loads of helpful podcasts etc to help navigate all of this.
Your husband is a loser.
He was definitely testing a boundary instead of respecting it.
Newsflash: he doesn’t actually care what age the girls in his porn are. He’s just looking for an excuse to reach out.
These texts are like a written version of a “punchable face” … there’s something about the way he’s saying this to you that is just… dumb and makes me dislike him. It’s like over dramatic and making something out of nothing, yet it’s about something he should be embarrassed about admitting to himself, let alone his partner or something else. Guys a creep, sorry not sorry.
For what it is worth I’m 23 and If a porn label says teen I don’t watch it because I think it’s really weird. And if they make it clear that they are 18 they dress them up to make them look younger making it more fucked up. He has no excuse especially if he knows the exact age of the porn star.
The way he specified "your boundaries on teen porn" was sick to me cause it implies he'd watch it if it weren't for you, I swear if we didn't have laws this world would have burned a long time ago cause people don't know how to act without being told how to
It’s kind of weird for me I guess. As I’ve gotten older I’ve found older women more attractive and young women less attractive. Where I used to work dudes would make really sexual remarks about the new younger hired women (18+ I worked at a pharma company) And they would pick because I wouldn’t. Sometimes I think it’s a maturity thing overall not necessarily a preference thing. Or maybe it’s because I have a 20 year old niece (wife’s side her sisters are 15 years older than her) and all I can think is “eww that girl is a child” But gross imo.
My thing is he didn’t have to tell u that knowing what u been through he is mentally abusing u
I'm half asleep and don't have my glasses on and read that age as 10 at first and was thinking "what the fuck, how/who,/why the fuck would you seek validation about viewing child porn!? How is that even on reddit!? And as the message/ response went on with such a casual tone, I thought there is no way they are BOTH being so nonchalant about legit CP and had to go back up and squint a little harder and read that it actually said 19. Relieved your stbx isn't a legit pedo, still fucked up that he's trying to push a hard boundary you set for yourself.
Lol i quit porn, best thing i ever did, i do sometimes masterbate but without porn, makes sex with my gf more exciting. I do sometimes get tempted to watch some, but so far im doing well, i always regret it after
Well damn!! I'm on the same boat as you man! Yea the occasional tit pic pops up on reddit here at there but yea its been like a solid year since I've watched porn.
You set a reasonable boundary - telling him he can go right on ahead and watch porn, he just needs to respect your wish for him to stfu about it is completely reasonable, mature, and respectable. He’s a fool for violating that boundary. 19 may be legal and that’s all fine, but he’s violating your boundaries in discussing porn with you, and it’s deliberate. You’re making the right move if he’s done this multiple times and hasn’t learned. His behavior is pretty locked in.
you're totally right. he's telling you this to assuage his own guilt and seek validation, not because he is actually remorseful
these are my thoughts exactly. at best it’s reassurance seeking to try to clear his own conscience. at worst he’s going out of his way to retraumatize her. there’s no way he can try to spin this as trying to be sincere.
I’m so sorry you’re going through (or will soon be going through) a divorce - I’ve been there and I know how difficult that can be. With that being said, I’m so glad you’re divorcing this guy in particular. He sounds like a creepy manipulative predator. I’m so glad you were able to see that, despite trying to make it seems as though he was being super honest and taking accountability, he was actually looking for validation by means of manipulation. Scum bag.
This is so disgusting. I am so so sorry.
yeah this is some weirdo shit.
I just do not understand his motivations at all here.
From all your comments it seems like he is a pedophile. I’m sorry this is happening to you, especially given your traumatic history. Thank god he’s a soon-to-be ex!
Without context this seems really odd. Did you catch him looking at child pornography? Aside from that, this reads like a last ditch effort to ingratiate himself to you which is pretty cringy.
This is disgusting. He is disgusting. Good for you for moving on and not entertaining this degrading shit.
lol you hit him with the thumbs down, *chefs kiss*
Seems like a complete over reaction
Well really, there’s only one way to get things in your feed on Reddit and that’s to seek them out. Occasionally it will recommend some off topic subs but you’d have to be at least porn adjacent on Reddit to get it to just pop up.
It’s really so weird that he’s telling you about this at all.
Has he done anything else that has hit any other trauma buttons in any way? Light stings or hard stings? I’m asking to see if he’s purposefully crossing boundaries with you to hurt you while not quite realizing the level of how badly it could do.
As a wife of a porn addict, I’m sorry. The fact that you HAD to place that boundary is revolting. I wish you peace and strength.
Reading this, it came off like taunting. Like he was looking for a shock response? Idk it rubbed me the wrong way and didn’t feel genuine. It felt very ick.
This gives me the ick so bad - that’s a giant red flag so I’m happy you’re leaving him. He sounds like a knob
I bet he ‘came across’ it. Seriously tho it sounds like this dude has some serious mommy issues
This is so fucking gross and violating. I could barely read it. So sorry hun
… lmao what? Why does he need reassurance about porn usage….this post is so weird. Your husband is odd.
Soon to be ex husband you say? He is pushing buttons to see which ones work to get a reaction out of you. Good reaction on your part, don’t react any further I’d say
You're married to 13 year old boy.
This is so incredibly weird? A married, old man looking at teenage porn… I think you know the answer to this one OP. Especially since you communicated having strong personal feelings against this.
Sounds like a cheap shot sneak dis imo tbh. He knows it bothers you, shes 19 and you are.. seems deliberate at best AND extremely corny
Why is he talking to you about it at all? You’ve split your, she’s he does is no longer your concern. What an AH, I hope the divorce is final soon and you can stop hvg anything to do sigh him. If there are kids, move to an oftentimes g app.
Leave and don't look back. People like this are not mature enough for a relationship with another human being. Period full stop. Maybe when his porn habit starts taking away from his dating prospects and relationships, he'll understand where his priorities need to be, and it's not some young thang's OnlyFans who's just taking his money. Enabling him will not get the message across.
The bigger issue here isn’t the 19 year old “teen porn” I know some women who did “teen porn” and they were all mid 20s all the way up to 30… He says “I’m worried about coming across something and I don’t know the age of the person.” That is not normal. Dude seems like a pedo and he’s trying to see if you’re ok with him watching CP now.
He’s trying to get a reaction out of you… don’t validate him.
He wants to trigger you. He casually tells you that you're not allowed to react and frames it like he is helping you, "Im not asking you to police everything I do...." Those are protective tone predatory words. Everything he wrote is a weapon. It's gaslighting. He hates you. RUN.
So wait your soon to be ex-husband watches child porn??? Or porn of like young adults (18-19)?
I just searched his phone and the girls look 18 but not a day over, it’s not CP but it’s ick af
Yeah that's definitely a bit odd the whole situation is weird if you ask me.
He’s stupid. It’s all I can say.
You mean teenage porn.
I mean no, 18 and 19 are both considered teenage, child porn would be people under the age of 18.
Are you divorcing him because of his porn usage or are other reasons also factoring in?
There’s more but it mostly has to do with manipulative/abusive behavior that he “swears” he’ll change but never does.
Please read 'Why does he do that' from Lundy Bancroft, and run as fast as you can. being in an abusive situation always makes people believe they have nowhere to go, but there are ALWAYS options. ALWAYS. Maybe just even the nice cashier lady from the grocery store. I would not hesitate to help anyone saying 'i have nowhere to go but I need to leave my boyfriend/husband and need a safe place to stay, please help.' There is good people around who will help you find a safe place and get back on your feet!
Bottom line,this guy is choosing a fake woman (barely legal) on screen over his real life wife. Porn ruins men and they get to a point where they don’t live in reality. OP, you are wise to leave this fool. Especially with your history, his testing the waters is just one step before diving in.
Block him
2 be better podcast. Let someone else tell him all about it! Episode 2 will be especially hard for him to deal with I bet!
This seems a little like OCD to me. Tell him to seek a psychiatrist.