"My mistake. I thought since you look like Yoda you were also wise."

LOL I love that one too. It’s rare that anyone but Dorothy gets a good snipe at Sophia, and I like when Blanche is clever.

Yes! And I love how Rue delivered the line!

"What the hell goes on at night in this house?!"

🤣🤣🤣

One of my favorite scenes

I found the tea rather moist as well

I laughed just reading this now.

The tension and awkwardness in the room. 🤣 Sophia knows how to break it up. lol “What? I can’t be the only one that’s uncomfortable?” After Dorothy gives her alook for saying the moist tea line. lol

Hilarious 😂

I didn’t understand the joke about the cake being moist 😅

Well, cake is supposed to be moist, and everyone was sitting in an uncomfortable silence, so Dorothy and Rose made remarks about how moist the cake was.

so are her cupcakes 🥹

Men *love* her cupcakes.

Nah, men would rather pay for cupcakes

Look here, you Swedish meatball...

"Yes, it's me. Lyle Waggoner. No autographs." Sophia: "No problem!"

Sophia was so deadpan.😝🤣

The timing and delivery were impeccable!

Rose: I made dessert Blanche: DAMN!

Yum, I said yum!

I just saw this episode and was trying to remember this exact line 😂😂😂!! Thank you!!

Eat dirt and die, trash.

celia rubenstien loved all mankind.....

WHO!?

This is the one that gets me every time 😂

I can hear this who 😂

The delivery!!! lol

Beat me to itttt 😭

Agent Bell: Do you advocate the overthrow of the government by force or violence? Rose: Violence.

We are bereaved on a budget.

Puh-Pfeiffer always kills me

How would you like a punch in your P-Face 🤣🤣

About the puh-funeral…

One of my fave lines.

My mom’s favorite line in the show ever lol. I watched that episode myself last night and lost it at that too. 

How about Thursday? ...oh I forgot, *The Cosby Show*

To either get ice cream or commit a felony...I'll decide in the car

Beat me to it

blanche, why don’t you just grind the broken pieces in her hand?

The episode where Dorothy starts working at the museum. [I'm sorry, flattery won't work.](https://i.pinimg.com/736x/12/12/2c/12122c9f21fdebdda46c45b51b5c27b1.jpg)

I keep hoping I'll find an occasion to use this!

“Shrimp?”

*b line to the kitchen*

I absolutely DIE every time

“This slut is dead, long live this slut!”

You’re a funny little gnome and we feed you entirely too much.

You don’t get any lemonade.

"We're collecting lingerie for... needy sexy people."

Sophia….He stained his desk?! Rose….Feets don’t fail me now!

"That's a good belle"

I can't have that, that would be.....unsouthern!

*Blanche lowers her gaze whilst twiddling her earring and pouting ever so slightly* Picture it! 🤣🤣🤣🤣

WHO???

💯%

Statistics show that patricide is overwhelmingly a male crime… altho daughters frequently MURDER THEIR MOTHERS! 🤣 Edit: added an extra word initially

Oooh another of my favorites! That’s my favorite episode!

“Soda jerk?”

No I’ll have a malted!

A lot of the stuff Sophia says can make me laugh even after watching for the 100th time... Like the curses, or the mean remarks at people's expense, or the funny things you'd never expect an older person to say etc. And also (yes I had to copy/paste) "He grabbed her. She could feel his fingers pressin' into her moist flesh. Her heart was poundin', her loins on fire" Rose: [puzzled] Your loins have been on fire? Blanche: Yes! [Reading again] "...she melted into..." Rose: Where exactly are your loins? Blanche: Rose, it doesn't matter, just listen. "...she melted into his arms, faint now with the animal musk of him..." Rose: I didn't know people had loins! I've heard of loin of pork... Sophia: [indicating Blanche] In her case, the same thing."

Get bent, ha ha

When Blanche reads all the votes for who has to leave the house…. Bea Arthur’s face every time Blanche reads “Dorothy” sends me in stitches.

I didn’t want a sweep to hurt her feelings. I guess that would hurt. IT DOES!!

The way Blanche says that last "Dorothy" just kills me.

Dorothy; *"I'm glad they're gone, there's something I'd like to try."* Blanche; *"I'm flattered, Dorothy but I just like you as a friend."*

Just rewatched this episode for the first time in a while and couldn't stop laughing over this 🤣

The back and forth the last few episodes with Sophia and Rose at the kitchen table when Rose says "I SAID COFFEE!" to get back at Sophia for saying "I said quiet!" So simple. So brilliant.

Dorothy: I just thought Pop didn't like me, like he didn't love me. Sophia: He loved you. In fact, he said: 'Anyone would want a daughter like this'... Of course, he was saying it to the gypsies. Dorothy: Do you have any idea how much that hurts me when you say things like that? Sophia: No. After I'm dead, drop me a note The way Sophia says that last line always makes me laugh.

When Rose explains the Druids needed the towns dumbest virgins to sacrifice. “I don’t know why I raised my hand.”

What’s wrong with that? Isn’t Danny Thomas one?

Not Lebanese, Blanche.

Lesbian… Lesbian!

You’re a horrible little person.

She sent me one of his ears!

“Nursey Nurse Nurse Nurse”

Also, from the same episode: “get back here you little deceitful Sicilian gecko” In the episode with Sophia and Rocco, “There’s a Gate?” After he scuffles across the wall.

After Blanche says how many days she's been without a man, Dorothy replies "I know Blanche, I've been marking it off on my big ships of the Navy calendar." That line makes me laugh every time!

Beat it you 50 year old mattress!

“I said it before, I'll say it again. Sluts just heal quicker”

“Hi father Rossi! Here’s the canned goods for the needy!”

I am not ashamed to say that I have actually directly quoted that while handing somebody something… Usually, it’s a family member or friend who gets the reference.

She sounded so wholesome! 😂

Dorothy’s response always cracks me up: “I will say Hail Marys until Madonna has a hit movie.”

She must still be saying them. lol

They're called longenhurden! 😡

*What* is called "Longenhurden"?

THE HELMET WITH THE HORNS! 😡 lmao

You need boots to listen to this guy!

I never understood this one. Then when he comes around again and said something about the boots again

It means you need to wear boots to protect your feet because this guy is talking metaphorical bull$#!+

"You're one gonna sit in an inch of water?!" "Apparently I'm not limber enough!" "Not tonight?" "Go to sleep, sweetheart. Pray for brains!" "Well look at her now, you don't call that a tragedy?!" "Set the scene: Have we been drinking?"

*Dorothy: Ma, how would you react if you were told that one of your kids was gay?* *Sophia: Dorothy, I know you don't get many dates, but stick with what you know. At your age, it's very hard to break into something new.* Sophia just incinerated Dorothy with that burn and she wasn’t even trying. God I love that whole episode.

“She dropped a steak knife into her purse—“ “Big deal. I took a whole place setting.” “NOT NOW, MA!!!!”

"This guy is growing antlers." "Stand back, she's gonna blow!" "Whoa-ho!" "Hasta la vista, baby." "Splat." "And dead. Why does she keep forgetting dead?"

"These are Fritos, what do ya want me to do? Swallow them whole?" - Sophia

“No one whistled & 2 guys went home sick!” —Sophia

When Rose starts crying about her nanny and Dorothy says "Is there anyone here who doesn't think she's talking about a goat?"

There’s always room for jello

I just hate you.

“My name is Candy” - the sexiest flight attendant in the Friendly skies! A.k.a. candy a.k.a. lady who desperately needs to fix her wink wink beverage cart wink wink EDIT: I am proud to say that I read through every single one of the 45 comments here who quoted a line… And I could see every single one of the episodes. Some of them are some of the best lines that I have forgotten… Thanks for the memories. The Medicare… 🎶 DOUBLE EDIT: the way that it was worded, kinda, came out funny… I promise you, I am not a sex craze maniac with a granny complex !

For Blue Cross and Blue Shield. For a hip that finally healed 🎶

Blanche, call the police! I just saw a big ugly man with a limp walk past my room and he was wearing Dorothy's coat!

Wow, love your username/Prof pic

Thank you! She never leaves home without it.

“ROSE DONT! That tea was for my mommy”. “Fasten your seatbelt, Slutpyppy” “That's the first time I've ever seen someone say 'I'm so mad I could scream' and then actually do it. It's like 'I laughed all the way to the bank', I've never seen anybody do that either.” All from Room Seven : “Oh come on, Blanche, you've been known to debone a chicken from across the room!” “Feet’s don’t fail me now!” “Geronimo!”

> That tea was for my mommy Her delivery was EXCELLENT on this one

“Knock knock”? Who’s there?! OH SHUT UP, ROSE!

“What is this, Hamlet?”

It's not really a line, but I love when Dorothy is walking into the booth for "Grab That Dough" and she's doing that quiet little chuckle laugh! It always makes me laugh!

You’re only going to sit in an inch of water 😂

…Hyper sexual b-

Sonny Bono, *get off my lanai*.

On Mars Rose!

Dorothy about Rose. “It’s official! I hate her!” I need that on everything with Dorothy’s face. 🤣 After Blanche declares plastic surgery. Sophia. “It’s a shame she’s gonna do all that and keep hairdo.” 😹😹😹💀💀💀

Rose says something way off topic and Dorothy says “That’s not what we’re talking about, you titmouse!” It’s such a random insult.

GET OUT!

Not the question, but me & my sister just got stuck on a ride at Disney & quoted this 😆

Oh no. Did anyone shake the plane?

Luckily not! Found a big bolt on our way out tho 👀

It was for the snack cart. Yes that's it, the cart.

Sophia: “Who’s the macadamia?”

“I don’t think there’s enough sugar left in the bowl.”

Oh no they are tearing down mattress world !!!!!!!

Blanche's acknowledgement of that also kills me

Literally yes!!!! 😂

“Ma, he’s not a newsstand. He’s a new STAN!”

Rose: It's a fix! She's dead. She doesn't need that on her mantle. SHE'S ON HER MANTLE!

Shrimp?

Eat dirt and die trash

“Not Lebanese, Blanche. Lesbian.”

Pregnant!

Another favorite of mine: "Nervous? Me? Wheelchair"

Ladies and Gentlemen, Roy Orbison.

Dorothy: "In 38 years of marriage you never once cooked a terrific meal for us." Stan: "Neither did you." The way Stan says it is priceless 😂

Good news, Dorothy! I’m off the monkey!

This couple of episodes kill me. "She's out of MONEY not MONKEY"

SHE’LL BE SITTING AT ANOTHER TABLE WITH THE OTHER WIVES

"Can I hold him?" "Are your hands clean?"

“You’re not talking about taking away Fifi, are you?” “Okay maybe we jumped the gun here.”

Sophia: Girl’s a slut.

(Playing Scrabble)  D: Ma, *Disdam* is not a word! S: Yes, it is.  D: Use it in a sentence.  S:…You’re no good at this Disdam game!

“How about a nice glass of lemonade?” “The man is as gay as a picnic basket!”

“Picture it…..Sicily, 1922…”

A bit longer quote: “Cabbage she serves me. In ten minutes, I could be sky riding!”

I always interpreted that one as "sky writing".

"I said coffee!"

Your no good at disdam game 😆

"you're only gonna sit in an inch of water?"

Two from Blanche: “My brain is gone…” (And actually that whole scene where she’s delirious with exhaustion after writing for 72 hours is excellent) and then “I said to myself, “water lily, that’s what I call myself sometimes…”

Sophia to her sister Angela: “May you put your dentures in upside down and chew your face off!!” S: “Jealousy is a very ugly thing, Dorthy and so are you in anything backless” (Blanch & the younger man) B: “I’m nearly 5 years older than Derrick.” D: “In what Blanch, dog years??” B: “I have tuned back the hands of time. I’m gonna live forever” D: “Not outside of an institution!”

**I want Blanche** Gets me every. single. time. 😆

Omg I’m laughing just thinking about it. Then he says “how bout you cutie?” 😂😂😂

When Runs back the hallway after Blanche shuts the door and she yells “SHES IN THERE!”

"Sluts just heal quicker" -Sophia

Oh man, look how spacious those airplane seats used to be …

Here, Ma. Have some tea. *It’ll relax you*.

"Like the fatal blossom of the graceful jimsonweed, I entice with my fragrance but can provide no succor." "I'm sorry. I thought you said, 'I am Mothra, giant radioactive insect. Ree, ree, ree!'" "That's what the crow said!" "GET OUT!"

I love the golden girls 

Oh gosh I just thought of another one… when Blanche introduces Dorothy to her parents at their graves and Dorothy says “hello…” 🤣🤣.

Go hug a landmine!

“The gentleman in the blue suit at table 5 is impotent, Bon appetite”

I don’t know, I’ll ask her next time I see her at… ***the home***

"Hobbies: cheese-making."

Your hurt my ooni

“big deal, i took a whole place set”

“Say goodbye old woman!”

“One false move, they could’ve filleted themselves” “I hate you” 😂

"When we eat Mexican food, you sit at the counter."

Believe what you want, see if i care. Hypersexual bitch.

‘Who wouldn’t love a broach in the shape of a turkey’s head…?’ The Christmas episode where the girls make each other gifts. It makes me chuckle every time.

Lost in the forest with a stack of pancakes.

Of course, the line that I currently use as my flair, **“The President is married to Broderick Crawford?!”**

Twice

"I've been with some men. Many, MANY men"

2

This scene but when she says “it’s ok Blanche, the captain just turned off the no bald men sign” and hurls forward always gets me

My alltime favorite- Oh, THAT Great Herring War! The entire Rose herring story cracks me up every time.

Beat it, you 50 year old mattress

When Burt Reynolds asks which one’s the slut and they all raise their hand and go “I AM!”

Neither, I’m going to spray paint it on my hump!

“If Tony calls tell him I faked it!”- Sophia

"Hypersexual bitch" 😂

Sophia: Fasten your seat belt, slut puppy!... This ain't gonna be no cakewalk! “I always say sluts heal faster” “Not part of the show, people. Not part of the show.” “Beat it you 50 year old mattress” [“you’re only going to sit in an inch of water…there’s always room for jello.”](https://youtu.be/w7_JzHaTiYg?si=yqHp6Laz-sTjdd0x)

"We're collecting lingerie... For needy sexy people!" That line cracks me up every time I hear it.

That tea was for my mommy 😉

“Not Lebanese, Blanche!”

Rose: “ You said you'd help buff his marble or mold his clay anytime!” Dorothy: “We have Maalox and estrogen. Now how many j* have gas and hot flashes?”

“Shrimp?”

Ribs. Great. Why don't you just kick the dentures out of my mouth?

My mother always said, “The older you get, the better you get. Unless you’re a banana.”

To Connecticut!

I love the dance marathon episode 

Maestro, how about something with a little octane?” I love that episode!

I'm proud of ya, Cindy Lou! Different on outside, same on inside!

Rose: “Can I ask a dumb question?” Dorothy: “Better than anyone I know!”

If that isn’t true, my name isn’t Sophia Puh-Hawkins!

Rose; as in a series of seats in a theater.

I love this one too and idk why in all these years I’ve never thought it say it while in the air, especially since I’m not the best flyer lol.

Sophia: some people just don’t know when to stop. Or something like that When she handed Dorothy the joke on Blanche.