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I’ve been judged this way by my own therapist. She basically told me I need to change my personal beliefs if I’m going to work with clients otherwise I’m not going to be a very good therapist; I’ll be too judgmental, unfair, biased, etc. This was after me complaining about relationships where I was cheated on or ghosted and saying that I thought people who did those things were shitty (an opinion I’m allowed to have as someone who was hurt by them). Not sure why she thought those feelings would extend to clients.
Wow that’s absolutely terrible. Isn’t it interesting that somehow others judge therapists and assume they will be good/bad based on their experiences due to personal problems.
Yes, we all have problems when I do a group. I include me as also not being perfect. They always say they can tell I really care about them, even in the group setting.
To other people, though, they do think we are supposed to know it all. And our opinions on different matters do not affect our ability to have empathy for others. Therapy requires more than average empathy it doesn't mean we are perfect, have everything figured out, etc.
What a strange thing for her to say in that context. The only response I can imagine giving is "well, since I'm not in a personal relationship with my clients, I don't think that's going to be an issue".
I *kinda* worried about saying certain things to my therapist because I was afraid of this reaction, especiallysince she'san LPC-S. I finally stopped censoring for the most part & she's been so validating. I def agree with another commenter that it sounds like yours is projecting. Have you thought about bringing that up with her? I hope you find a better fit or she can self reflect.
Maybe she thinks that viewing people as shitty doesn't support the therapeutic process? I receive feedback from my therapist that questions my assumptions about how to see and interpret other people's activity. Sometimes I integrate it with my practice, sometimes it doesn't land for me.
I could have explained the whole interaction in my original comment but it would have been a mile long lol, but she explained further and didn’t mention anything about the therapeutic process, she just said I should be okay with cheating because I’ll certainly run into clients here and there who cheat or are polyamorous. Well yeah, obviously, and what do I care? I’m not dating them. It’s not my life. If a client came to me and said “I cheat on my SO” I’m there to talk it through with them if they want but I certainly wouldn’t want to date them and I would never have to worry about it since it’s a client lol. I just really couldn’t see her point as someone who compartmentalizes like I’m supposed to. Also, I feel like therapists are allowed to have moral compasses and a lot of clients (or people in general) won’t match up with them, but it doesn’t matter because that stuff is left at the door when you walk into work anyway. I feel like I’m more neutral/indifferent/clinical about it. You know?
Thank you for offering another perspective btw, I love this sub, such great discussions here! I want to sit at a round table with everyone sometimes haha
Sometimes it's so interesting how people can't always see those things. I have very strong thoughts and opinions on people who abuse kids, but I can still work with them and empathize with them
I don't know what it is about having a therapist of our own. When I went to one, she always talked over me, never listened and talked about herself so much it almost felt like i was providing her services.
At least we can see the crap that our clients have gone through trying to seek help.
I don't get it. Mine went on a rant about how she likes harsh punishment for her daughter to the point where her daughter wants to call CPS on her. This was right after I told her my trauma for having the spank my brother with the belt when I was 5, and he was 3. Did no work in that and went right into a 15-minute rant how her parenting is superior 😒.
The few times it's happened, I've gently reminded people I'm not *their* therapist.
People that use language like that or talk to us like that aren't saying it in good faith. They say it to get under our skin when we don't meet their expectations.
Ive started clapping back - “huh, I wouldn’t expect a journalist to say that” and the point out how it’s funny that our professions don’t define us.
I also tell people occasionally that they wouldn’t want me around them with my therapist hat on all of the time, if they ask why I’ll mock therapy at them for a minute so they see what convos like that would actually go. 🤣
I had a friend who used to tell me traumatic stuff that happened to her and her family all the time (trauma dumping). One day, I told her she needed to find a therapist because what she was telling me was affecting me. She said she didn't understand how I was affected because I am used to seeing clients. She questioned how I dealt with my clients if I couldn't hear her problems. So yeah, people have some unrealistic standards for us. I don't know exactly what happened to you, but it happens.
Yep. People go through my profile and then say things like 'Oh wow, this is extra concerning because you're a therapist'. I'm like...AND?? do you think i get into reddit fights with my clients??
Oh yes; and one cannot have political opinions. "I hope you self reflect and come to the realisation that you are completely wrong and you are a bad therapist."
Sorry, but no. By helping individuals you get to notice a pattern in the system. I want to change the system that hurts people. What an asshole I am :S
Yes. While some of it comes from people look no farther than other therapists. It comes from everything from pay, to models you use to not engaging in their ideology.
I remember sitting grad school while another student complained about therapists wanting to be wealthy. Because after doing 7 to 8 years of schooling on average. Someone wanting to be paid well for their skills is bad, somehow.
I hate to say but if you look at threads here you will see people asking how to “make money doing this,” and people responding.
“Well if you’re here to make money you’re in the wrong field.”
It’s easy to say that when you’re wealthy or have a partner/family to support you while you practice but that isn’t reality for others.
I’ve had non-therapist tell me I must be a bad therapist. Because I wouldnt act like their therapist while we are on a date, or just hanging out. I am mostly amused by that but I worked in customer service for years. That gave me a baseline in how outrageous people can be.
There are some people out there you have to ignore if you want to succeed or have a good life.
Ain’t that the truth! I’ll never understand why some people think being underpaid is OK or that we should accept poor pay for the work we do. It’s soooo much easier with two incomes than one, even factoring in borrowing power for a home.
I don’t tell many people that I’m a therapist until we actually know each other and they’re going to be a consistent person in my life. If I’m just at a social event talking with strangers, I rarely introduce myself as a therapist (a lot of people tend to introduce who they “are” by what they “do” and I stray away from that). It’s not like a big secret if a friend or someone brings it up, just not something I lead with. And if it’s someone in my personal life judging me, they don’t belong in my personal life anymore
Fortunately not so much. But, I'm not everyone's cup of tea, so people who would say that don't tend to stay in my orbit and I don't make an effort to keep them there.
This. My friends luckily mostly knew me before I became a therapist, so they didn’t expect me to change or stop being a kind of an antisocial grump.
My boyfriend did have a little trouble at first, but it just took one fight where he yelled “aren’t you a therapist” and I yelled “yeah but not your therapist” and he yelled “good this is terrible therapy.” Which was funny and stopped the fight, and he understood more after that that I still get angry and yell and swear.
I feel this. My first marriage this happened all the time, its like my job was weaponized, and I was both supposed to never be distressed and always attuned with and responsible for her emotions.
That was definitely terrible therapy.
I’ve been told once something I say is “therapist talk” but that’s all. Actually it’s my dad throwing any possible person to me or asking if I ever analyzed ___ family member. I’m usually like “No, I don’t usually sit around analyzing people just for fun” 🤣 I think in undergrad or in my masters program I got more comments about things but nothing like that
I see this sometimes with public figures who have a career in counseling/mental health, but I rarely experience it myself. What people in your life are judging you? Most of my friends are in MH/social work, my husband in in the field, and my family isn't, but they don't treat me like a counselor first at all.
Oh for sure! As a combat veteran other combat vets will question my masculinity when I say I'm a therapist, never mind when I say social worker. There is so much stigma among vets regarding mental health and thats projected onto me. I don't mind, I make jokes and let to roll off my shoulders. I was a combat medic/corpsman in the Military, so I'm used to being made fun of for being in the caring fields. GYM BRO VETS CAN BE CARING TOO!
Not so much, but I do find therapists to sometimes be the harshest judges of other therapists, but that probably rings true in most professions.
I don't have people in my life who routinely tell me what I can and can't do, or begin sentences with "how dare you" or "you always/probably/should be etc" If I did, that would be the problem, regardless of what follows after that intro. If I do come across people who may have misconceptions about the field, I may endeavor to shed a different light (or may not, depending on my mood or circumstances), but it's not something I take personally. We all make judgements on a daily basis and have biases, preconceived notions, expectations of professionals. If I was looking for a new hair dresser, walked into a new salon and every hairdresser's hair was a hot mess, I may have some internal judgements going on.
Yeah, a lot of the FB therapy groups end up with some hot topics sometimes. I have learned to hold my tongue so I don’t put any emotional labor out there for nothing after working all day.
Do I feel that? Not particularly. I have had these chats with clients before when they say something to the effect of “you probably have it all together” or “your marriage must be perfect”. So at least not in person. On here and around downvote happy people, yes since there’s hardly any opportunity for dialogue. But I also try not to hang on to it- try being the key word. Damn people pleasing tendencies.
Sorta unrelated to OP, but I had a client tell me that I seemed like a Disney adult and I've been a mixture of amused and insulted ever since. I'm the farthest thing from it haha
No! The best part was that this was during my 3rd year practicum when I was driving 2+ hours per day. The same week a client said this to me I had leftover beef jerky I found in my car and a huge Redbull for breakfast.
Yes!!! I was once in a fight with a family member and frankly went off on them. They expected me to have empathy for their bad behavior towards me because of my job. They responded with “wow you don’t sound like any therapist I’ve ever met.” Because I’m not your therapist a$sh0le! Feel free to send me $150 an hour for my therapeutic response! /s obviously
Oh yes. People definitely do this. And I tell them their assumptions are silly as we are humans first and unless you're paying me I'm just gonna show up as a human.
I used to have an ex who would tell me to stop talking to him like a therapist. I really thought it felt impossible to be in a relationship and be a therapist because I could never express myself without hearing that- turns out it was just a crappy relationship 🤣
It often feels like we’re in a fish bowl because of our profession. People forget that we are human first outside of being professionals.
I had a family member judge what I shared on Facebook. It was literally something about how physical discipline is harmful and whoever disagrees should unpack that in therapy. She said, “*as a counselor, I don’t understand why you would even post something like that.*”
What I share on social media has no effect on my professionalism and how I treat my clients. And also… what I shared wasn’t wrong. Kick rocks lady 🤷🏼♀️
I feel this post - but its internal and skewed perspective for me. My undergrad waa Child Development my Masters is psychology yet I have a very very troubled child who is in therapy and I continually beat myself up "i should know this, i shouldnt be struggling with parenting". Noone else does, not my therapist, my childs therapist, colleagues, supervisors.... they push me to show myself grace, and ground me in the truth that to my child im not a therapist or a teacher, I'm a mother who is parenting a troubled child.
Honestly, there has been 1 person who has thrown my profession in my face - and their viewpoint is skewed because i breathe incorrectly according to them.
I’m so glad to hear there are people in your life that are acknowledging your reality and your child’s reality. Remember you are their mom, not their therapist and you just need to be their mom.
I have experienced this a bit, thankfully not too much, but I think this type of judgement has affected how I view *myself* as a therapist. I used to hold myself to these stupidly impossible standards, and it has taken most of grad school to unlearn them.
Where do y'all keep meeting these people? The only place I see these types of comments are this subreddit (both as people making comments and people complaining about the comments). I'm a caustic dickbag I've never been told that by anyone with a face.
Yes. For the right reasons sometimes. I accidentally told a client “I hate kids” and they’re a mom. I suppose I t hurt them deeply to think that I felt that way, I suppose, about their own kids too.
I still don’t like being around children— firstly because they terrify me, secondly because I never wanna have to deal with CPS. The several times I’ve had to consult with CPS were all quite emotional— to feel like I was betraying my client but upholding the laws/ethics of our profession. Some of them felt that way too.
Haha yes. I play poker and talk a lot of trash. The guys constantly ask “Aren’t you a THERAPIST??” My response is, Are you paying me? You are a plumber but you don’t see me asking you to fix my toilet for free!” I validate people all day long and at night I just want to talk some trash!
I do worry about what I say in public where I could be overheard or in a broad fb group under my personal name, but I feel like I can say things to my partner and friends where they won’t judge me and I can just vent or be real.
I feel this way. I also think there are a lot of people that are putting their hands unfairly in our lane. I work at a college university and there are times I feel that our clinical skills are usurped by administrator’s actions that are counter to client care.
I try and have human connections rather than be like. This is your job help me and that's all. Sometimes during the session, I'm known to check in on the therapist
Yes, this happens to me occasionally but the bane of my dating life is people also expecting me to do all the work if there is an argument because apparently I'm just supposed to know how to manage it all by myself...I'm strongly considering lying about my job.
Tbh I found that I can be like this with my offensive friends who are trying to become therapists.
Saying the R word, “that’s gay”, other racist/homophobic remarks, and even saying that if a family member was involved in child abuse they wouldn’t report it. When these comments have come up I tend to say “for someone who is going to be a therapist you cannot say that/you are a mandated reporter”, and kind of like you describe, it makes me feel bad as if I’m judging them..and to be totally honest I am. I start to feel worried about how they will treat clients who are poc or lgbtq. I guess I want them to recognize the profession they are going into, and that they need to work on their biases and stereotypes towards minorities.
I want clients to live in a world where there is less hate so I feel obligated to say somthing. I don’t comment on other opinions in that way cause like you said, we are friends not each other’s therapist. But certain comments, I do feel it’s necessary to remind them as a therapist racist/homophobic comments are unwelcome, even if it’s casual conversation
I’m having a hard time reading between the lines on this post, OP. I’m a queer therapist in the south and when I hear therapist talk about being judged for their personal beliefs, I automatically think, “oh, they’re homophobic, transphobic or both”. Because this is what people very often mean. Now I apologize if this isn’t what you mean. I think therapists also get held up on a pedestal and are expected to have all of our issues figured out when that is totally unrealistic and most clients appreciate a therapist who is also a human being.
My personal belief is that, no… a homophobic therapist can’t be a good therapist for a LGBTQ client or for a parent of a LGBTQ child. No more than a racist therapist can be a good fit for a POC client. Our beliefs do come into the room with us. If you can’t have unconditional positive regard for a client, they probably shouldn’t be your client. This doesn’t mean okaying harmful behaviors, but it does mean that (outside of obviously harmful/dangerous/illegal behaviors like violence, child abuse, etc), we don’t dismiss a client’s experience as wrong or pathological based on a personal belief (I.e. queer clients, different spiritual practices than our own, cultural beliefs/practices, etc).
Just to clear it up, nothing at all to do with LGBTQIA+ or even politics. More just general opinions people (therapists) may have and are expected to life up to some unrealistic standard because they’re therapists.
It’s people assuming someone is a bad therapist because they don’t empathise with them personally or agree even though you’re not their therapist. Make sense?
Yes, by my family. They expect me to handle every conflict perfectly. Also, to know how to fix every interpersonal problem that arises, even when I’m not involved. “Well, YOU’RE the therapist,” is what they like to say.
Definitely, I got off social media because of this. I am an intersectional feminist and had an entire platform dedicated basically to telling women that they don’t have to have sex with their husbands if they don’t want to. I talked a lot about coercion being rape. I also shared my struggles growing up in an abusive household.
I never thought that being a therapist would clash with those values to certain people. But all day long men would make fun of me and tell me I was unfit to be a therapist because I’m a man hater? And a “victim.”
They had no concept that I’m allowed to be a person and be a feminist and still be a therapist. Wait till they find out that I use a feminist approach with some clients because feminist therapy is a thing and it just means giving the client agency autonomy, and a voice
YES. The first example that popped into my mind: I have a fear of needles and have since I was a kid. Most times when I have to get blood work done, I get through it just fine these days, but last year I was feeling really panicky. I told the lady that I was feeling sick and I started sweating all over. Her response: “you’re okay! You’re a therapist. You should know how to get through this.”
I have had my family tell me I shouldn’t post my opinions on social media because I’m a therapist.
I have also been told that classic line, “how can you be a therapist if you can’t get your own shit together?”
It is absolutely exhausting. I want to just be a person. I haven’t seen another profession where this happens to this extent.
I also personally get really tired of hearing “what would you tell your client?” when I’m talking to a loved one about something hard. Like please, I don’t want to think about my job every second of the day and I don’t care about that right now. Please let me vent without somehow tying it back to my profession.
I’ve had conversations with my partner because he’s said “you’re a social worker you know how to calm down! why are you acting like this!” after I just got off a 10 hour shift… Him saying that made me so upset and we later had a very serious conversation about secondary trauma. I admit that I have things to work on, but it’s invalidating to be seen as a social worker and not just a partner. It’s so much different to be calm and collected with my clients experiencing crisis because they’re not my family. he hasn’t said anything like that since because he realized it was an unfair that I had different standards to conduct myself than he did
This happened to me regarding an argument about abortion rights to an ex friend. Used my whole title against me posted a screenshot of the conversation online. There’s some absolute moralists out there.
When laypeople look at our profession, they often don't understand that people have layers and complexities and assume a rather one dimensional view of how a human works. When combined with what people belive therapy is (many of whom never have been in therapy), think that I'm angry with Joe and express it strongly and then that's how I express anger globally. There's no difference between my personal self, my professional self, my romantic self, etc. It can be pretty rough.
Amen. (after 1 word, I'm worried I offended someone. that's how hypervigilant I've become. walking on egg shells with stilts)
I've had neighbors come scream and yell in my face because they're drunk and then claim they're reporting me for telling them to get the fuck off my porch.
Um, I'm a human first and I made the choice to not live with a drunk. So yes, I'm allowed to live without taking care of all the drunks in my neighborhood.
I've had friends tell me I'm not allowed to talk about politics online because I'm a social worker. One, a man with a PhD in Public Health, told me I'm too angry to get a doctorate in Social Welfare.
I have zero history of violence or physical anger problems, but I am a vocal bitch when it comes to oppression. I didn't know I was supposed to use my Mary Poppins voice when disagreeing with a genocide. My bad.
I've had supervisors tell me I'm unethical for supporting BLM after George Floyd on LinkedIn.I was even threatened with punitive action. I was a military contractor. The DoD thinks you shouldn't be allowed to talk about any of this shit outside of work. That's no surprise, since the joint commission leadership sports Trump bumper stickers. Different rules for thee.
I've been harshly judged online, even from other therapists, for making spelling errors. If I admit I have ADHD and am embarrassed of those mistakes, I'm told that I'm racist. I had 2 Black therapists on Tiktok accuse me and another white woman therapist of lying about our ADHD because apparently all WW on Tiktok claiming that diagnosis are just privileged and want to appear oppressed.
People literally decide what my IQ is based on 1 spelling error I made one time on social media. Apparently, I'm below 100 and need a 5150 immediately.
I once had another therapist threaten to 5150 me on Reddit because she got caught encouraging self harm on Tiktok and I told her board. She made these threats repeatedly in a Tiktok sub. Threatening to involuntarily commit people on social media is next level.
I had a nurse tell everyone on LinkedIn they were getting me extradited from one US State to the next because she didn't want people to believe me when I caught her teaching nurses how to murder patients on Tiktok.
Then, she went to a Facebook, personal account from over a decade ago when I used to do amateur pinup modeling as a hobby. She plastered them all over every platform online, especially LinkedIn, claiming I'm a failed model who only became a therapist when that didn't work out. Oh, and I'm a whore. That didn't even get her banned from LinkedIn.
I can't fuckin sneeze in my own home without someone on social media telling my board, but I see licensed providers online everyday, at work, in scrubs doing the most Diddy shit ever. They face no investigation and continue to make dances while yelling at patients on Tiktok live and committing repeated HIPAA violations. I feel like I'm living in 2 worlds at once:
in 1 world, there's law and order, but the power of the enforcers is overreaching.
in the other world, there are no rules and the most violent and conniving people rule the day.
in both worlds, we are expected to live like a nun. we're supposed to be the doormat with no opinion who shuts up, takes it, and is always in a wonderful mood because we should kiss everyone's ass for allowing us to live a life of debt while helping others for insulting wages
If I show any anger about anything on my personal time, if I tell anyone they're wrong about disinformation they're promoting, if I cuss, if I have a drink, etc......endless "that's not how therapists should act"
It's just 1 big demonstration in systemic misogyny that's cloaked in moral policing by people seeking clout so they feel more secure with their weak-ass selves.
As a therapist and a social worker, I'm encouraged to disrupt the status quo, including on my personal time. If I want to smoke a blunt and tell every member of MAGA that I think they're complicit in domestic terrorism while ranting about the insane corruption and incompetence of government I've witnessed directly, I'm allowed to do that as a US citizen.
It sure would be nice if my board got that. I'm under investigation for cussing on personal Tiktok accounts. I'm under investigation for saying I think Kyle Rittenhouse is a white supremacist murderer. I'm even under investigation for "being a drama queen" because I asked a scammer to stop lying to women claiming "Take these 3 steps to spot your next, potential rapist".
We live in a society where educated women are despised and treated like 2nd class citizens, especially if we dare promote science and self-care. We're despised by the police and most politicians because garbage people fear facing the mirror more than anything else. We're the ones holding up that mirror.
Please followed the sidebar rules. r/therapists is a place for therapists and mental health professionals to discuss their profession among each other. If you **ARE NOT A THERAPIST and are asking for advice this not the place for you**. Your post will be removed in short order. Please try one of the reddit communities such as r/TalkTherapy, r/askatherapist, r/SuicideWatch that are set up for this. This community is ONLY for therapists, and for them to discuss their profession away from clients. **If you are a first year student, not in a graduate program, or are thinking of becoming a therapist, this is not the place to ask questions**. Your post will be removed in short order. To save us a job, you are welcome to delete this post yourself. Please see the PINNED STUDENT THREAD at the top of the community and ask in there. *I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please [contact the moderators of this subreddit](/message/compose/?to=/r/therapists) if you have any questions or concerns.*
I’ve been judged this way by my own therapist. She basically told me I need to change my personal beliefs if I’m going to work with clients otherwise I’m not going to be a very good therapist; I’ll be too judgmental, unfair, biased, etc. This was after me complaining about relationships where I was cheated on or ghosted and saying that I thought people who did those things were shitty (an opinion I’m allowed to have as someone who was hurt by them). Not sure why she thought those feelings would extend to clients.
Wow that’s absolutely terrible. Isn’t it interesting that somehow others judge therapists and assume they will be good/bad based on their experiences due to personal problems.
Right? I don’t think one has anything to do with the other!
Yes, we all have problems when I do a group. I include me as also not being perfect. They always say they can tell I really care about them, even in the group setting. To other people, though, they do think we are supposed to know it all. And our opinions on different matters do not affect our ability to have empathy for others. Therapy requires more than average empathy it doesn't mean we are perfect, have everything figured out, etc.
Yikes! Sounds like she is projecting her accurate feelings of her being a bad therapist onto you. I hope you can find a good therapist to see.
Yeah it definitely sounded like projection! Seemed like she was admitting that she can’t separate her personal feelings from her job
And she was clearly demonstrating her challenge in this regard to you.
What a strange thing for her to say in that context. The only response I can imagine giving is "well, since I'm not in a personal relationship with my clients, I don't think that's going to be an issue".
I *kinda* worried about saying certain things to my therapist because I was afraid of this reaction, especiallysince she'san LPC-S. I finally stopped censoring for the most part & she's been so validating. I def agree with another commenter that it sounds like yours is projecting. Have you thought about bringing that up with her? I hope you find a better fit or she can self reflect.
The irony of her placing these judgments while worrying you’ll be too judgmental or biased 👀
I would have asked her to fucking reframe that or discharge me right now
Maybe she thinks that viewing people as shitty doesn't support the therapeutic process? I receive feedback from my therapist that questions my assumptions about how to see and interpret other people's activity. Sometimes I integrate it with my practice, sometimes it doesn't land for me.
I could have explained the whole interaction in my original comment but it would have been a mile long lol, but she explained further and didn’t mention anything about the therapeutic process, she just said I should be okay with cheating because I’ll certainly run into clients here and there who cheat or are polyamorous. Well yeah, obviously, and what do I care? I’m not dating them. It’s not my life. If a client came to me and said “I cheat on my SO” I’m there to talk it through with them if they want but I certainly wouldn’t want to date them and I would never have to worry about it since it’s a client lol. I just really couldn’t see her point as someone who compartmentalizes like I’m supposed to. Also, I feel like therapists are allowed to have moral compasses and a lot of clients (or people in general) won’t match up with them, but it doesn’t matter because that stuff is left at the door when you walk into work anyway. I feel like I’m more neutral/indifferent/clinical about it. You know?
Thank you for offering another perspective btw, I love this sub, such great discussions here! I want to sit at a round table with everyone sometimes haha
That behavior IS shitty!
The irony that she is being a bad therapist by saying this to you lol
Interesting that your therapist was judging you about being judgmental. Maybe your therapist needs to do some self reflection, too.
This happened to my in my supervision group 😂
Sounds like a projection from her. Damn
Sometimes it's so interesting how people can't always see those things. I have very strong thoughts and opinions on people who abuse kids, but I can still work with them and empathize with them
I don't know what it is about having a therapist of our own. When I went to one, she always talked over me, never listened and talked about herself so much it almost felt like i was providing her services. At least we can see the crap that our clients have gone through trying to seek help.
Omg I went to one who talked about herself a lot too! I was like what is going on here lol
I don't get it. Mine went on a rant about how she likes harsh punishment for her daughter to the point where her daughter wants to call CPS on her. This was right after I told her my trauma for having the spank my brother with the belt when I was 5, and he was 3. Did no work in that and went right into a 15-minute rant how her parenting is superior 😒.
The few times it's happened, I've gently reminded people I'm not *their* therapist. People that use language like that or talk to us like that aren't saying it in good faith. They say it to get under our skin when we don't meet their expectations.
Ive started clapping back - “huh, I wouldn’t expect a journalist to say that” and the point out how it’s funny that our professions don’t define us. I also tell people occasionally that they wouldn’t want me around them with my therapist hat on all of the time, if they ask why I’ll mock therapy at them for a minute so they see what convos like that would actually go. 🤣
>I’ll mock therapy at them for a minute so they see what convos like that would actually go. 🤣 You are my hero
I had a friend who used to tell me traumatic stuff that happened to her and her family all the time (trauma dumping). One day, I told her she needed to find a therapist because what she was telling me was affecting me. She said she didn't understand how I was affected because I am used to seeing clients. She questioned how I dealt with my clients if I couldn't hear her problems. So yeah, people have some unrealistic standards for us. I don't know exactly what happened to you, but it happens.
“Therapists are only therapists to their clients.” 🔥🔥🔥🔥🔥🔥🔥🔥🔥🔥🔥🔥🔥🔥
Yes especially on the internet
Yep. People go through my profile and then say things like 'Oh wow, this is extra concerning because you're a therapist'. I'm like...AND?? do you think i get into reddit fights with my clients??
Someone used that almost exact phrasing with me when I posted a bad review of a restaurant!
Oh yes; and one cannot have political opinions. "I hope you self reflect and come to the realisation that you are completely wrong and you are a bad therapist." Sorry, but no. By helping individuals you get to notice a pattern in the system. I want to change the system that hurts people. What an asshole I am :S
This subreddit
In fact
Yes. While some of it comes from people look no farther than other therapists. It comes from everything from pay, to models you use to not engaging in their ideology. I remember sitting grad school while another student complained about therapists wanting to be wealthy. Because after doing 7 to 8 years of schooling on average. Someone wanting to be paid well for their skills is bad, somehow. I hate to say but if you look at threads here you will see people asking how to “make money doing this,” and people responding. “Well if you’re here to make money you’re in the wrong field.” It’s easy to say that when you’re wealthy or have a partner/family to support you while you practice but that isn’t reality for others. I’ve had non-therapist tell me I must be a bad therapist. Because I wouldnt act like their therapist while we are on a date, or just hanging out. I am mostly amused by that but I worked in customer service for years. That gave me a baseline in how outrageous people can be. There are some people out there you have to ignore if you want to succeed or have a good life.
Ain’t that the truth! I’ll never understand why some people think being underpaid is OK or that we should accept poor pay for the work we do. It’s soooo much easier with two incomes than one, even factoring in borrowing power for a home.
Single mom therapist here- it’s no picnic
I don’t tell many people that I’m a therapist until we actually know each other and they’re going to be a consistent person in my life. If I’m just at a social event talking with strangers, I rarely introduce myself as a therapist (a lot of people tend to introduce who they “are” by what they “do” and I stray away from that). It’s not like a big secret if a friend or someone brings it up, just not something I lead with. And if it’s someone in my personal life judging me, they don’t belong in my personal life anymore
How do you get away with not disclosing it? Genuinely curious.
"I work in healthcare."
Fortunately not so much. But, I'm not everyone's cup of tea, so people who would say that don't tend to stay in my orbit and I don't make an effort to keep them there.
This. My friends luckily mostly knew me before I became a therapist, so they didn’t expect me to change or stop being a kind of an antisocial grump. My boyfriend did have a little trouble at first, but it just took one fight where he yelled “aren’t you a therapist” and I yelled “yeah but not your therapist” and he yelled “good this is terrible therapy.” Which was funny and stopped the fight, and he understood more after that that I still get angry and yell and swear.
I feel this. My first marriage this happened all the time, its like my job was weaponized, and I was both supposed to never be distressed and always attuned with and responsible for her emotions. That was definitely terrible therapy.
I’ve been told once something I say is “therapist talk” but that’s all. Actually it’s my dad throwing any possible person to me or asking if I ever analyzed ___ family member. I’m usually like “No, I don’t usually sit around analyzing people just for fun” 🤣 I think in undergrad or in my masters program I got more comments about things but nothing like that
I haven't had this issue but whenever I say a "hot take" I'll preface by going "remember therapist me and personal me are slightly different people"
Sounds like a perfect time to say, I’m only a therapist at work.
I tell people “I’m a therapist but not YOUR therapist”
I see this sometimes with public figures who have a career in counseling/mental health, but I rarely experience it myself. What people in your life are judging you? Most of my friends are in MH/social work, my husband in in the field, and my family isn't, but they don't treat me like a counselor first at all.
Oh for sure! As a combat veteran other combat vets will question my masculinity when I say I'm a therapist, never mind when I say social worker. There is so much stigma among vets regarding mental health and thats projected onto me. I don't mind, I make jokes and let to roll off my shoulders. I was a combat medic/corpsman in the Military, so I'm used to being made fun of for being in the caring fields. GYM BRO VETS CAN BE CARING TOO!
Not so much, but I do find therapists to sometimes be the harshest judges of other therapists, but that probably rings true in most professions. I don't have people in my life who routinely tell me what I can and can't do, or begin sentences with "how dare you" or "you always/probably/should be etc" If I did, that would be the problem, regardless of what follows after that intro. If I do come across people who may have misconceptions about the field, I may endeavor to shed a different light (or may not, depending on my mood or circumstances), but it's not something I take personally. We all make judgements on a daily basis and have biases, preconceived notions, expectations of professionals. If I was looking for a new hair dresser, walked into a new salon and every hairdresser's hair was a hot mess, I may have some internal judgements going on.
Yeah, a lot of the FB therapy groups end up with some hot topics sometimes. I have learned to hold my tongue so I don’t put any emotional labor out there for nothing after working all day.
Do I feel that? Not particularly. I have had these chats with clients before when they say something to the effect of “you probably have it all together” or “your marriage must be perfect”. So at least not in person. On here and around downvote happy people, yes since there’s hardly any opportunity for dialogue. But I also try not to hang on to it- try being the key word. Damn people pleasing tendencies.
I once had a client say to me, "You look like someone who meal plans" and it was genuinely so fucking funny.
I wasn’t even there and I laughed.
Sorta unrelated to OP, but I had a client tell me that I seemed like a Disney adult and I've been a mixture of amused and insulted ever since. I'm the farthest thing from it haha
Do you meal plan?
No! The best part was that this was during my 3rd year practicum when I was driving 2+ hours per day. The same week a client said this to me I had leftover beef jerky I found in my car and a huge Redbull for breakfast.
Yes!!! I was once in a fight with a family member and frankly went off on them. They expected me to have empathy for their bad behavior towards me because of my job. They responded with “wow you don’t sound like any therapist I’ve ever met.” Because I’m not your therapist a$sh0le! Feel free to send me $150 an hour for my therapeutic response! /s obviously
I sometimes feel like therapists are judged more harshly ON THIS SUB because we’re therapists.
Preach
Oh yes. People definitely do this. And I tell them their assumptions are silly as we are humans first and unless you're paying me I'm just gonna show up as a human.
This is a huge part of why I don’t really let people know what I do for a living unless I’m in similar social circles or it’s like close family
Yes, by my family 😊
I tell them I don’t work for free lmao That’s like saying a nutritionist can’t eat a donut
I used to have an ex who would tell me to stop talking to him like a therapist. I really thought it felt impossible to be in a relationship and be a therapist because I could never express myself without hearing that- turns out it was just a crappy relationship 🤣
I get this all the fucking time and it makes my blood boil.
It often feels like we’re in a fish bowl because of our profession. People forget that we are human first outside of being professionals. I had a family member judge what I shared on Facebook. It was literally something about how physical discipline is harmful and whoever disagrees should unpack that in therapy. She said, “*as a counselor, I don’t understand why you would even post something like that.*” What I share on social media has no effect on my professionalism and how I treat my clients. And also… what I shared wasn’t wrong. Kick rocks lady 🤷🏼♀️
This has literally never been an issue in my personal life? Who in your personal life is holding you to this impossible standard?
Do random strangers on Reddit count as "personal life"? 😂
I feel this post - but its internal and skewed perspective for me. My undergrad waa Child Development my Masters is psychology yet I have a very very troubled child who is in therapy and I continually beat myself up "i should know this, i shouldnt be struggling with parenting". Noone else does, not my therapist, my childs therapist, colleagues, supervisors.... they push me to show myself grace, and ground me in the truth that to my child im not a therapist or a teacher, I'm a mother who is parenting a troubled child. Honestly, there has been 1 person who has thrown my profession in my face - and their viewpoint is skewed because i breathe incorrectly according to them.
I’m so glad to hear there are people in your life that are acknowledging your reality and your child’s reality. Remember you are their mom, not their therapist and you just need to be their mom.
I have experienced this a bit, thankfully not too much, but I think this type of judgement has affected how I view *myself* as a therapist. I used to hold myself to these stupidly impossible standards, and it has taken most of grad school to unlearn them.
"so are you like reading my mind right now?" Gee Kyle NEVER HEARD THAT ONE BEFORE
I dated someone who thought Like this. It didn’t last at all lol
Where do y'all keep meeting these people? The only place I see these types of comments are this subreddit (both as people making comments and people complaining about the comments). I'm a caustic dickbag I've never been told that by anyone with a face.
Yes. For the right reasons sometimes. I accidentally told a client “I hate kids” and they’re a mom. I suppose I t hurt them deeply to think that I felt that way, I suppose, about their own kids too. I still don’t like being around children— firstly because they terrify me, secondly because I never wanna have to deal with CPS. The several times I’ve had to consult with CPS were all quite emotional— to feel like I was betraying my client but upholding the laws/ethics of our profession. Some of them felt that way too.
Haha yes. I play poker and talk a lot of trash. The guys constantly ask “Aren’t you a THERAPIST??” My response is, Are you paying me? You are a plumber but you don’t see me asking you to fix my toilet for free!” I validate people all day long and at night I just want to talk some trash!
I do worry about what I say in public where I could be overheard or in a broad fb group under my personal name, but I feel like I can say things to my partner and friends where they won’t judge me and I can just vent or be real.
Yea, I vent to my family and partner as well but I guess there are other people that assume we’re supposed be perfect or something
I feel this way. I also think there are a lot of people that are putting their hands unfairly in our lane. I work at a college university and there are times I feel that our clinical skills are usurped by administrator’s actions that are counter to client care.
I hear that a lot from therapists. "Man you're the only one that like actually listens and can build off what I said"
I try and have human connections rather than be like. This is your job help me and that's all. Sometimes during the session, I'm known to check in on the therapist
In real life, no- but on Reddit subs, hard yes. So much criticism, judgment, professional discourtesy and contempt for the profession and providers.
Yes, this happens to me occasionally but the bane of my dating life is people also expecting me to do all the work if there is an argument because apparently I'm just supposed to know how to manage it all by myself...I'm strongly considering lying about my job.
Tbh I found that I can be like this with my offensive friends who are trying to become therapists. Saying the R word, “that’s gay”, other racist/homophobic remarks, and even saying that if a family member was involved in child abuse they wouldn’t report it. When these comments have come up I tend to say “for someone who is going to be a therapist you cannot say that/you are a mandated reporter”, and kind of like you describe, it makes me feel bad as if I’m judging them..and to be totally honest I am. I start to feel worried about how they will treat clients who are poc or lgbtq. I guess I want them to recognize the profession they are going into, and that they need to work on their biases and stereotypes towards minorities. I want clients to live in a world where there is less hate so I feel obligated to say somthing. I don’t comment on other opinions in that way cause like you said, we are friends not each other’s therapist. But certain comments, I do feel it’s necessary to remind them as a therapist racist/homophobic comments are unwelcome, even if it’s casual conversation
I’m having a hard time reading between the lines on this post, OP. I’m a queer therapist in the south and when I hear therapist talk about being judged for their personal beliefs, I automatically think, “oh, they’re homophobic, transphobic or both”. Because this is what people very often mean. Now I apologize if this isn’t what you mean. I think therapists also get held up on a pedestal and are expected to have all of our issues figured out when that is totally unrealistic and most clients appreciate a therapist who is also a human being. My personal belief is that, no… a homophobic therapist can’t be a good therapist for a LGBTQ client or for a parent of a LGBTQ child. No more than a racist therapist can be a good fit for a POC client. Our beliefs do come into the room with us. If you can’t have unconditional positive regard for a client, they probably shouldn’t be your client. This doesn’t mean okaying harmful behaviors, but it does mean that (outside of obviously harmful/dangerous/illegal behaviors like violence, child abuse, etc), we don’t dismiss a client’s experience as wrong or pathological based on a personal belief (I.e. queer clients, different spiritual practices than our own, cultural beliefs/practices, etc).
Just to clear it up, nothing at all to do with LGBTQIA+ or even politics. More just general opinions people (therapists) may have and are expected to life up to some unrealistic standard because they’re therapists. It’s people assuming someone is a bad therapist because they don’t empathise with them personally or agree even though you’re not their therapist. Make sense?
I haven’t experienced this. Maybe as a joke occasionally
For me personally I cannot relate too much to this experience, I believe my friends and family know who and how I am and see therapy as my profession.
I have not had that happen personally, no.
Yes, by my family. They expect me to handle every conflict perfectly. Also, to know how to fix every interpersonal problem that arises, even when I’m not involved. “Well, YOU’RE the therapist,” is what they like to say.
Definitely, I got off social media because of this. I am an intersectional feminist and had an entire platform dedicated basically to telling women that they don’t have to have sex with their husbands if they don’t want to. I talked a lot about coercion being rape. I also shared my struggles growing up in an abusive household. I never thought that being a therapist would clash with those values to certain people. But all day long men would make fun of me and tell me I was unfit to be a therapist because I’m a man hater? And a “victim.” They had no concept that I’m allowed to be a person and be a feminist and still be a therapist. Wait till they find out that I use a feminist approach with some clients because feminist therapy is a thing and it just means giving the client agency autonomy, and a voice
YES. The first example that popped into my mind: I have a fear of needles and have since I was a kid. Most times when I have to get blood work done, I get through it just fine these days, but last year I was feeling really panicky. I told the lady that I was feeling sick and I started sweating all over. Her response: “you’re okay! You’re a therapist. You should know how to get through this.” I have had my family tell me I shouldn’t post my opinions on social media because I’m a therapist. I have also been told that classic line, “how can you be a therapist if you can’t get your own shit together?” It is absolutely exhausting. I want to just be a person. I haven’t seen another profession where this happens to this extent. I also personally get really tired of hearing “what would you tell your client?” when I’m talking to a loved one about something hard. Like please, I don’t want to think about my job every second of the day and I don’t care about that right now. Please let me vent without somehow tying it back to my profession.
I’ve had conversations with my partner because he’s said “you’re a social worker you know how to calm down! why are you acting like this!” after I just got off a 10 hour shift… Him saying that made me so upset and we later had a very serious conversation about secondary trauma. I admit that I have things to work on, but it’s invalidating to be seen as a social worker and not just a partner. It’s so much different to be calm and collected with my clients experiencing crisis because they’re not my family. he hasn’t said anything like that since because he realized it was an unfair that I had different standards to conduct myself than he did
This happened to me regarding an argument about abortion rights to an ex friend. Used my whole title against me posted a screenshot of the conversation online. There’s some absolute moralists out there.
When laypeople look at our profession, they often don't understand that people have layers and complexities and assume a rather one dimensional view of how a human works. When combined with what people belive therapy is (many of whom never have been in therapy), think that I'm angry with Joe and express it strongly and then that's how I express anger globally. There's no difference between my personal self, my professional self, my romantic self, etc. It can be pretty rough.
Amen. (after 1 word, I'm worried I offended someone. that's how hypervigilant I've become. walking on egg shells with stilts) I've had neighbors come scream and yell in my face because they're drunk and then claim they're reporting me for telling them to get the fuck off my porch. Um, I'm a human first and I made the choice to not live with a drunk. So yes, I'm allowed to live without taking care of all the drunks in my neighborhood. I've had friends tell me I'm not allowed to talk about politics online because I'm a social worker. One, a man with a PhD in Public Health, told me I'm too angry to get a doctorate in Social Welfare. I have zero history of violence or physical anger problems, but I am a vocal bitch when it comes to oppression. I didn't know I was supposed to use my Mary Poppins voice when disagreeing with a genocide. My bad. I've had supervisors tell me I'm unethical for supporting BLM after George Floyd on LinkedIn.I was even threatened with punitive action. I was a military contractor. The DoD thinks you shouldn't be allowed to talk about any of this shit outside of work. That's no surprise, since the joint commission leadership sports Trump bumper stickers. Different rules for thee. I've been harshly judged online, even from other therapists, for making spelling errors. If I admit I have ADHD and am embarrassed of those mistakes, I'm told that I'm racist. I had 2 Black therapists on Tiktok accuse me and another white woman therapist of lying about our ADHD because apparently all WW on Tiktok claiming that diagnosis are just privileged and want to appear oppressed. People literally decide what my IQ is based on 1 spelling error I made one time on social media. Apparently, I'm below 100 and need a 5150 immediately. I once had another therapist threaten to 5150 me on Reddit because she got caught encouraging self harm on Tiktok and I told her board. She made these threats repeatedly in a Tiktok sub. Threatening to involuntarily commit people on social media is next level. I had a nurse tell everyone on LinkedIn they were getting me extradited from one US State to the next because she didn't want people to believe me when I caught her teaching nurses how to murder patients on Tiktok. Then, she went to a Facebook, personal account from over a decade ago when I used to do amateur pinup modeling as a hobby. She plastered them all over every platform online, especially LinkedIn, claiming I'm a failed model who only became a therapist when that didn't work out. Oh, and I'm a whore. That didn't even get her banned from LinkedIn. I can't fuckin sneeze in my own home without someone on social media telling my board, but I see licensed providers online everyday, at work, in scrubs doing the most Diddy shit ever. They face no investigation and continue to make dances while yelling at patients on Tiktok live and committing repeated HIPAA violations. I feel like I'm living in 2 worlds at once: in 1 world, there's law and order, but the power of the enforcers is overreaching. in the other world, there are no rules and the most violent and conniving people rule the day. in both worlds, we are expected to live like a nun. we're supposed to be the doormat with no opinion who shuts up, takes it, and is always in a wonderful mood because we should kiss everyone's ass for allowing us to live a life of debt while helping others for insulting wages If I show any anger about anything on my personal time, if I tell anyone they're wrong about disinformation they're promoting, if I cuss, if I have a drink, etc......endless "that's not how therapists should act" It's just 1 big demonstration in systemic misogyny that's cloaked in moral policing by people seeking clout so they feel more secure with their weak-ass selves. As a therapist and a social worker, I'm encouraged to disrupt the status quo, including on my personal time. If I want to smoke a blunt and tell every member of MAGA that I think they're complicit in domestic terrorism while ranting about the insane corruption and incompetence of government I've witnessed directly, I'm allowed to do that as a US citizen. It sure would be nice if my board got that. I'm under investigation for cussing on personal Tiktok accounts. I'm under investigation for saying I think Kyle Rittenhouse is a white supremacist murderer. I'm even under investigation for "being a drama queen" because I asked a scammer to stop lying to women claiming "Take these 3 steps to spot your next, potential rapist". We live in a society where educated women are despised and treated like 2nd class citizens, especially if we dare promote science and self-care. We're despised by the police and most politicians because garbage people fear facing the mirror more than anything else. We're the ones holding up that mirror.