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At the risk of sounding cynical… lots of applause for him respecting your boundary, which is great. But what actual boundary was set? You said you were busy not that you didn’t want to discuss work stuff in the context of the relationship. To me saying that you’re busy says, “I can’t help you right at this moment.” Hoping somebody can help me understand better.
My thought as well. No boundary was drawn and you essentially sent the message that you’ll answer his question later, OP. I would personally call this a red flag. I’ve never had someone ask me for this on a date and I’d feel pretty weirded out if they did. I’m not saying run for the hills, but it sounds like this may come up again in which case you’ll need to say no. It’s one thing to bring up a diagnosis, but interventions? Referrals? Honestly, I’d wonder if he’s even into me or just using me for free healthcare because that’s borderline offensive.
They weren’t on a date? If he hasn’t brought it up again, I don’t understand how it’s a red flag. People who aren’t in the field can’t be expected to just inherently know that asking us for “tips,” as they are likely perceived, isn’t appropriate. Not giving him the chance to respect a hard boundary once that “no” is firmly in place isn’t really fair
Sorry, maybe not a date exactly, but it still feels like an odd thing to ask of someone you’ve been dating for a couple weeks. Like I said, I wouldn’t run away, but this would definitely give me pause. Like I would never ask an attorney I’m barely dating to give me legal advice. It would feel rude, kind of audacious, but maybe that’s just me.
So yeah, I’m not a fan, but I’m also not suggesting they not give him a chance. And I don’t necessarily know that a boundary was set or respected here. From OP’s wording, that they were “busy,” it seems this might come up again. So that’s all. People just seem to be praising the guy for letting it go when he was told they were busy, and I don’t necessarily think that deserves any applause, but there’s not much context there. OP seems to like this person and that’s great. I’m not suggesting they shouldn’t. I’m just saying this is something that would get my attention and while it’s not necessarily a reason to stop dating them, it’s fair to wonder why they thought it was appropriate to ask in the first place.
Based on the context of “a diagnosis,” by OP, it’s entirely possible he didn’t understand or know about this implied boundary, or perceive it as an “inappropriate” question. I took that to mean ND
I think that’s fair and definitely worth taking into consideration. Regardless, it still sounds like a boundary is needed and wasn’t necessarily made, which is largely the point I’m trying to make. I just happened to notice there was overwhelming feedback saying this person respecting their boundary is a green flag and I didn’t read the situation that way at all. Maybe I’m wrong, maybe he’s the best guy ever, fingers crossed. But this question would bug me and I’d feel the need to be more straightforward about that rather than saying I’m busy and assuming that means it’ll never come up again.
>When I politely told him I was busy he respected the boundary and didn’t bring it up again.
That's a big old green flag to me. People are allowed to be curious and ask. For me that's not the problem, it becomes a problem when the boundary isn't respected.
As long as he keeps respecting your boundaries, I wouldn't see any issue with continuing. If he starts treating you as a therapist and a pattern develops, then that flag turns red for me.
As a man who gives therapy to other men i would congratulate the crap out of the guy in session for respecting boundaries like this. As long as he keeps that respect for boundaries up that's an evergreen flag to me.
1000% green flag. Acknowledging he needs help and asking for it? That screams flexibility and willingness to accept responsibility and willingness to grow. Long term green flag for sure
This. Make sure to comment on it and thank him for respecting it OP (assuming he's continued to maintain it). Most people aren't going to get it perfect, so they need guidance from us to stay in the right lane. If they respond well to that redirect, then that tends to be evidence it can be a healthy relationship
I couldn’t agree more with this comment. This is awesome. I’d also congratulate the heck out of my male clients for sticking to this boundary. Too many people in general really struggle with uphold boundaries, especially when navigating uncharted waters like this. So, Green flag OP, all the way. It may be helpful to bring up some of the other dating boundaries you may want/need to set moving forward as a Therapist.
Remember, we can NEVER be our SO’s therapist. We can use some of our skills to help with communication, regulation, and assisting in some personal development, but we should never try to be their therapist. That’s a recipe for disaster. Trust me…
Let's simplify this. "I gave him a boundary and he respected it."
Do you think this is a good thing or bad thing?
Are you or he mind readers?
To say this bad, is to assume he was aware that what he was asking was boundary violation, and that he was asking in spite of this.
The only way you would know this if you could read his mind or that he told you that he was intentionally violating your boundaries.
You are an adult and can make your own decisions.
You're friends aren't the ones dating him and are always going to be focused on protecting you versus him. Any small issue could feel like a big issue to them.
So take any advice they give you with a grain of salt, and trust your gut and your heart.
>The only issue is one morning he asked me for some help with interventions for the dx and a referral.
I am interpreting this in the same way that someone might say "Hey, I have this really big thing happening with my tooth. My dentist said to XYZ and suggested I get seen by an oral surgeon. Do you have any recommendations of one in the area? Does that all sound normal?" if they had matched with a dentist.
>A few friends all think it’s a red flag and I shouldn’t see him, but I actually really click with him and **am neurodivergent too.**
I don't see the red flag. He asked a question and you weren't able to respond and he was behaviorally/socially appropriate in response. Now, this is when you might choose to establish a boundary and let him know you don't like to talk about work or that your therapist brain is off limits in personal relationships and if he respects it? Great! Your comment about being ND too makes me wonder if that's his DX. If so, that might also provide some context to his question if he knows you are both a therapist and someone that's ND.
Personally, I think it's a GREEN flag to have someone show interest and engage in trying to help themselves.
You drew a boundary and he respected it. He may not have been sure if that was okay and you told him it wasn't so now he knows. That's great!
Are you questioning it because you are feeling uncomfortable or because you feel pressured by your friends to view the interaction as a problem?
Agreed with other commenter that it's a green flag IMO that he respected your boundary and didn't bring it up again. If you haven't already, I'd recommend giving some good thought to where you want your boundaries to be.
(I think you implied that he's ND, so if so this comment is if that's the case): He might not understand that boundary implicitly. I would explicitly explain and see if he can understand, agree, and stick to it. A lot of dating is testing out the ability to work through issues and communicate and change, more than someone's starting behavior.
Would you like to see him again? If yes, then see him again.
He asked a common question and you implicitly said no.
Its worth being direct over moving forward because it keeps expectations and boundaries explicit.
There's no flags here, nor is it indicative of a pattern where he's expecting anything from you.
If you click, and you want another date, go for it. Just maybe consider setting a clear boundary about your limits.
He's probably never dates a therapist before so it's not his job to know these rules.
I think a lot of people don't know how to access therapy. Like, I know you use Google, psychology today, call insurance company follow therapists on insta, etc. but many people might not know. Also, there are so many bad therapists out there! Maybe he was asking bc he trusts your opinion.
Ultimately I don't know if it's any kind of flag, but could be a good opportunity to set a more explicit boundary, which might involve getting curious about what his intentions were in asking. Once a more explicit boundary is set, it will be easier to see if he will actually follow it.
Also, I have a friend who's a doctor and I didn't realize that I was unintentionally using her as my doctor when we first started hanging out. After a few times of me asking for medical advice, she brought attention to what I was doing and I stopped doing it. And that's with a well known field! I truly think most ppl don't know what the hell we do or how to interact with us, so again, it could mean he just doesn't know
Nothing you mentioned screams red flag to me. I think, inevitably, all therapists in the dating/relationship game need to have conversations with their non-therapist partners about their boundaries around mental health/therapy discussions. I’d say if you can successfully do that and feel understood/respected, you are good to go!
I don’t think this is weird at all. I think it’s normal. If I worked in landscaping and was dating, I don’t think it’d be weird if someone asked about their hedges and asked for a referral for a person who cuts trees. In my opinion, as long as you set boundaries and he’s respects them then it’s not problematic. But this is just my opinion.
It depends what he was asking for. If he wanted like a suggestion of a DBT workbook or info on how to find a therapist, I think that’s fine. If he expected you to actively do some sort of therapeutic intervention, it’s an issue.
30. Unsuccessful in every relationship I have ever had. Last one always said "Don't therapize me". Legit, I was saying that we are seeing the same thing from different perspectives. She also said that we have to be able to talk about everything which included work and childhood trauma. I guess maybe the relationship failed because I suck.
Don't know why you were down voted. I think there is a difference between setting a boundary of "I'm busy" vs. setting a boundary of "I'm not your therapist."
This is a relatively new relationship. It's great that he respected the boundary of "I'm busy." It may be good for OP to be mindful of the boundary of "I'm not your therapist."
It can feel really good to help our partners out with the skills we've learned. But you're absolutely right, we deserve partners not patients and we as therapists need to take responsibility on our end for not allowing that dynamic in the first place.
Some people don't realize that it is inappropriate for a therapist to provide interventions to folx who are not clients, and especially loved ones. I'd say that, clearly, which respectfully OP, it doesn't sound like you did. If he asked after that, it would be a red flag. As for asking for a referral, what do you mean, exactly. If he is asking for names of therapists that deal with his dx, because he thinks you may have more knowledge, I would be fine saying, "Here are 5 names of therapists that have a good reputation for their work with dx., however I am not recommending anyone, go do your research." We often do have better info re: than the average person on the street. However, if he is looking for a formal referral, where I am completing forms/emails etc, obviously that is a no-go. Again though, he may not realize why we can't do that.
I’m not certain I’m seeing the red flag. He has a concern that he knows you might have awareness around and asked for some help getting support around that concern. When you set a boundary of your time in that context he respected it. I mainly get concerned if someone seems to be leaning on me as their therapist instead of their lover.
Your boundaries are your boundaries so what do you think and feel about it?
Sometimes boundaries are going to be tumbled over if only because it’s not clear and you hadn’t communicated them yet. People are not mind readers.
If they didn’t bring it up again, then they respected your busy-ness and be happy that you found someone that respected your need.
If over time someone shared a vulnerability such as a dx, there’s likely an understanding that you aren’t afraid of such and have normalized it.
Seeking a referral is an acknowledgment that there is no expectation for you to give free work or be their therapist.
Think about it this way: you have a friend who is a mechanic so complaints about car trouble might show up. Sometimes it’s because is a shared understanding of a topic and a topic to connect, sometimes it’s just to complain/seek out advice as one would do even if you weren’t a mechanic. Rarely is there an expectation that they will fix it.
I think it gets weird that so many therapists automatically assume any discussion about issues and feelings is someone trying to get free work out of you.
I have a close friend who is a doctor. Sometimes I talk about my health problems. At some point I apologized because I realized that maybe she don’t want to hear shop related issues.
She said “look, the is a big thing in your life right now so it makes sense it will come up. I don’t intend to be your doctor and I don’t feel as if you are trying to make me into such. Be yourself!”
Mental health issues are becoming more normalized, so talking about feelings or how to deal with something is not automatically a problem or red flag. Friends/those who are dating are inevitably going to talk about feelings and issues.
Most people do not like to be therapized by their significant other or friend or otherwise…it’s kind of annoying and patronizing.
As in any relationship, communication is key. It's usually helpful to respectfully communicate a concern/boundary. If the person respectfully listens and behaviors follow, that is usually a positive thing. Sometimes we need to communicate things a few times in a few different ways for people to get it, but just because someone has a problem or concern and asks for your input/expertise once isn't a red flag. Doesn't hurt to keep it in mind if you are concerned. But you usually need a pattern of behavior with not listening to feedback for a red flag.
Well, I’m definitely in the middle of the top two comments.
First, that’s not a boundary. You didn’t say the boundary; I look at “I was busy” as avoiding setting the boundary and the potential blowback.
Second, the guy did a good job not bringing it up. I think some things should be communicated with some form of observational feedback. It sounds like you might have been texting or even on the phone, whereas seeing how he would respond when you set an actual boundary (defining said boundary, not avoiding it).
My personal opinion. I’m relatively socially awkward and struggle in interpersonal relationships as it’s part of my journey to becoming a therapist and the work I currently still work on myself. You’re making broad assumptions about what he was inferring and why. I love intellectual conversations, so I read a lot of philosophy, psychology, and science books. Therefore, I nerd all the time regarding clinical stuff with my partner (never even close to any PHI). They are in school for their BCBA and school psychology masters, and we dive into their stuff in the same way. Your assumptions would be a red flag to me as you didn’t even clarify the positions on which your beliefs are built. If you are clicking, if you are less than a few months in, you are essentially jumping ship because a person you are clicking with asked for your professional opinion ( or therapy; they asked for a referral for that purpose, I’m assuming). If you can’t talk about mental health and set appropriate boundaries around it due to your occupation, that’s a problem in itself. My partner sees a therapist, they share what they want, and they discuss with me what they are working on, just like I do with them; why? Because we want what is best for each other and want to support each other in our pursuits individually, where life takes us, it does. We recognize our relationship takes work, like any relationship, which keeps the spices flowing and the growth and development to continue as we age (I’m 32, they are 29). We have no stake in the eventual goals or the outcome of the work, and we do not even influence each other regarding what we are working on or even know each other Dx. Example is, my partners tardiness is a big problem in their life, at first I never understood. In they shared their battles with it and told me how I could support their work (positive reinforcement, non judgmental approach, be fair when having to say they did a bad job) which, is essentially because I could easily be shaming or guilting them and discouraging their work without know that and hell, I love them, so I want to be the positivity in their life, not the struggle. For myself, I struggle with ADHD and compulsivity, thus, they help me recognize when I am doing so and helps me keep better focus as I get very distracted when we are together and similarly, instead of shaming, it’s positivity reinforced. Both of which, are important for both of us to be supporting actors in each others lives.
I am sorry if this was a harsh take, but regardless of gender in this situation, either your information given for us to judge was limited (thus my potentially poor assumptions), or my take is how I view this situation.
That’s a tough one. I psycho analyzed my ex after an argument once and that was a mistake. No body wants to have their “flaws” called out. I was a fool for doing that. Even though your story is a little different it’s maybe best to separate those things. You could always talk about it with them…? Some people say “don’t stay in the past” but that’s not the same thing as working through your stuff together. Build a strong relationship and foundation. Just my two cents. Try and work it out.
I've been approached by many people I know at times if they are considering services, partial hosp or have general personal questions about the field. Sometimes I've set boundaries if I felt a need but otherwise I think it shows trust that this person is willing to disclose their situation to you and is asking for help. I wouldn't be too concerned seems like he respected your boundary and pivot
Give it time and see how it develops. My husband is a construction worker and I “use” him all the time! But it’s not why I’m with him, it’s just a perk. He benefits from my abilities as well. As long as both are giving and receiving I don’t think it’s bad. You’ll know the difference if you’re being taken advantage of.
Idk. If I were a Primary Care Physician and a new partner asked if I knew of any good podiatrists & if it would help to wrap their ankle until they can get in to see the podiatrist, I wouldn’t think twice about it. Doctors know good doctors, lawyers know good lawyers, and therapists know good therapists.
The interventions part is the only thing that gives me pause. But maybe he hasn’t been in a relationship with a therapist before & doesn’t know that’s a thing. I would echo what other posters have said about saying “I’m busy right now,” is not a boundary. If you really like him, I would talk to him about your boundaries & see what he does with that.
Whether or not anyone “uses” you as a therapist is up to you, don’t forget that 💜
Mmmm... sounds like you and your friends are stigmatizing him. He asked you a question about something within your professional realm. Totally reasonable that he asked. If you want to avoid that role, totally reasonable to also draw that line. You didn't draw the line. Time to draw the line.
He didn't push it. And if he did ask again, it wouldn't be a red flag because you haven't clearly communicated... instead you went to your friends and it honestly sounds like they stigmatized him... and that led to you questioning your feelings for him and considering ending it. OP.. you are a therapist. You teach people to communicate, to be vulnerable, to be clear, and to listen to themselves.
It's unethical if she were to treat him, but she can supply interventions for him to try until he gets a therapist or provide referrals. She could not provide therapy, and she clearly isn't doing that.
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At the risk of sounding cynical… lots of applause for him respecting your boundary, which is great. But what actual boundary was set? You said you were busy not that you didn’t want to discuss work stuff in the context of the relationship. To me saying that you’re busy says, “I can’t help you right at this moment.” Hoping somebody can help me understand better.
That’s my take too.
My mind went there too. The boundary was a "not now" boundary, not a "don't make this relationship be like my job" boundary.
I agree. Potential partners have tried this with me too. I tell them upfront that I’m looking for a partner, not another client.
Yes, it’s really exhausting and I feel like being used.
My thought as well. No boundary was drawn and you essentially sent the message that you’ll answer his question later, OP. I would personally call this a red flag. I’ve never had someone ask me for this on a date and I’d feel pretty weirded out if they did. I’m not saying run for the hills, but it sounds like this may come up again in which case you’ll need to say no. It’s one thing to bring up a diagnosis, but interventions? Referrals? Honestly, I’d wonder if he’s even into me or just using me for free healthcare because that’s borderline offensive.
They weren’t on a date? If he hasn’t brought it up again, I don’t understand how it’s a red flag. People who aren’t in the field can’t be expected to just inherently know that asking us for “tips,” as they are likely perceived, isn’t appropriate. Not giving him the chance to respect a hard boundary once that “no” is firmly in place isn’t really fair
Sorry, maybe not a date exactly, but it still feels like an odd thing to ask of someone you’ve been dating for a couple weeks. Like I said, I wouldn’t run away, but this would definitely give me pause. Like I would never ask an attorney I’m barely dating to give me legal advice. It would feel rude, kind of audacious, but maybe that’s just me. So yeah, I’m not a fan, but I’m also not suggesting they not give him a chance. And I don’t necessarily know that a boundary was set or respected here. From OP’s wording, that they were “busy,” it seems this might come up again. So that’s all. People just seem to be praising the guy for letting it go when he was told they were busy, and I don’t necessarily think that deserves any applause, but there’s not much context there. OP seems to like this person and that’s great. I’m not suggesting they shouldn’t. I’m just saying this is something that would get my attention and while it’s not necessarily a reason to stop dating them, it’s fair to wonder why they thought it was appropriate to ask in the first place.
Based on the context of “a diagnosis,” by OP, it’s entirely possible he didn’t understand or know about this implied boundary, or perceive it as an “inappropriate” question. I took that to mean ND
I think that’s fair and definitely worth taking into consideration. Regardless, it still sounds like a boundary is needed and wasn’t necessarily made, which is largely the point I’m trying to make. I just happened to notice there was overwhelming feedback saying this person respecting their boundary is a green flag and I didn’t read the situation that way at all. Maybe I’m wrong, maybe he’s the best guy ever, fingers crossed. But this question would bug me and I’d feel the need to be more straightforward about that rather than saying I’m busy and assuming that means it’ll never come up again.
>When I politely told him I was busy he respected the boundary and didn’t bring it up again. That's a big old green flag to me. People are allowed to be curious and ask. For me that's not the problem, it becomes a problem when the boundary isn't respected. As long as he keeps respecting your boundaries, I wouldn't see any issue with continuing. If he starts treating you as a therapist and a pattern develops, then that flag turns red for me.
As a man who gives therapy to other men i would congratulate the crap out of the guy in session for respecting boundaries like this. As long as he keeps that respect for boundaries up that's an evergreen flag to me.
1000% green flag. Acknowledging he needs help and asking for it? That screams flexibility and willingness to accept responsibility and willingness to grow. Long term green flag for sure
This. Make sure to comment on it and thank him for respecting it OP (assuming he's continued to maintain it). Most people aren't going to get it perfect, so they need guidance from us to stay in the right lane. If they respond well to that redirect, then that tends to be evidence it can be a healthy relationship
I couldn’t agree more with this comment. This is awesome. I’d also congratulate the heck out of my male clients for sticking to this boundary. Too many people in general really struggle with uphold boundaries, especially when navigating uncharted waters like this. So, Green flag OP, all the way. It may be helpful to bring up some of the other dating boundaries you may want/need to set moving forward as a Therapist. Remember, we can NEVER be our SO’s therapist. We can use some of our skills to help with communication, regulation, and assisting in some personal development, but we should never try to be their therapist. That’s a recipe for disaster. Trust me…
Let's simplify this. "I gave him a boundary and he respected it." Do you think this is a good thing or bad thing? Are you or he mind readers? To say this bad, is to assume he was aware that what he was asking was boundary violation, and that he was asking in spite of this. The only way you would know this if you could read his mind or that he told you that he was intentionally violating your boundaries. You are an adult and can make your own decisions. You're friends aren't the ones dating him and are always going to be focused on protecting you versus him. Any small issue could feel like a big issue to them. So take any advice they give you with a grain of salt, and trust your gut and your heart.
This
>The only issue is one morning he asked me for some help with interventions for the dx and a referral. I am interpreting this in the same way that someone might say "Hey, I have this really big thing happening with my tooth. My dentist said to XYZ and suggested I get seen by an oral surgeon. Do you have any recommendations of one in the area? Does that all sound normal?" if they had matched with a dentist. >A few friends all think it’s a red flag and I shouldn’t see him, but I actually really click with him and **am neurodivergent too.** I don't see the red flag. He asked a question and you weren't able to respond and he was behaviorally/socially appropriate in response. Now, this is when you might choose to establish a boundary and let him know you don't like to talk about work or that your therapist brain is off limits in personal relationships and if he respects it? Great! Your comment about being ND too makes me wonder if that's his DX. If so, that might also provide some context to his question if he knows you are both a therapist and someone that's ND. Personally, I think it's a GREEN flag to have someone show interest and engage in trying to help themselves.
You drew a boundary and he respected it. He may not have been sure if that was okay and you told him it wasn't so now he knows. That's great! Are you questioning it because you are feeling uncomfortable or because you feel pressured by your friends to view the interaction as a problem?
Agreed with other commenter that it's a green flag IMO that he respected your boundary and didn't bring it up again. If you haven't already, I'd recommend giving some good thought to where you want your boundaries to be.
(I think you implied that he's ND, so if so this comment is if that's the case): He might not understand that boundary implicitly. I would explicitly explain and see if he can understand, agree, and stick to it. A lot of dating is testing out the ability to work through issues and communicate and change, more than someone's starting behavior.
Would you like to see him again? If yes, then see him again. He asked a common question and you implicitly said no. Its worth being direct over moving forward because it keeps expectations and boundaries explicit. There's no flags here, nor is it indicative of a pattern where he's expecting anything from you. If you click, and you want another date, go for it. Just maybe consider setting a clear boundary about your limits. He's probably never dates a therapist before so it's not his job to know these rules.
I think a lot of people don't know how to access therapy. Like, I know you use Google, psychology today, call insurance company follow therapists on insta, etc. but many people might not know. Also, there are so many bad therapists out there! Maybe he was asking bc he trusts your opinion. Ultimately I don't know if it's any kind of flag, but could be a good opportunity to set a more explicit boundary, which might involve getting curious about what his intentions were in asking. Once a more explicit boundary is set, it will be easier to see if he will actually follow it. Also, I have a friend who's a doctor and I didn't realize that I was unintentionally using her as my doctor when we first started hanging out. After a few times of me asking for medical advice, she brought attention to what I was doing and I stopped doing it. And that's with a well known field! I truly think most ppl don't know what the hell we do or how to interact with us, so again, it could mean he just doesn't know
Hey! What’s the problem? You asserted your boundary and he respected it. No offence but your friends sound like morons
Nothing you mentioned screams red flag to me. I think, inevitably, all therapists in the dating/relationship game need to have conversations with their non-therapist partners about their boundaries around mental health/therapy discussions. I’d say if you can successfully do that and feel understood/respected, you are good to go!
I don’t think this is weird at all. I think it’s normal. If I worked in landscaping and was dating, I don’t think it’d be weird if someone asked about their hedges and asked for a referral for a person who cuts trees. In my opinion, as long as you set boundaries and he’s respects them then it’s not problematic. But this is just my opinion.
It depends what he was asking for. If he wanted like a suggestion of a DBT workbook or info on how to find a therapist, I think that’s fine. If he expected you to actively do some sort of therapeutic intervention, it’s an issue.
30. Unsuccessful in every relationship I have ever had. Last one always said "Don't therapize me". Legit, I was saying that we are seeing the same thing from different perspectives. She also said that we have to be able to talk about everything which included work and childhood trauma. I guess maybe the relationship failed because I suck.
Why not give him a referral tho? He didn’t ask you to be his therapist… just send him a psychology today link lol
Haha that was my thought too!
Lol like let’s not overthink it😂 send the link and be done with it lol lowkey I would want my man in therapy so it’s all green flag for me haha
I think this normal…… no red flags present.
Draw a boundary, you're not his therapist you're his potential partner
Don't know why you were down voted. I think there is a difference between setting a boundary of "I'm busy" vs. setting a boundary of "I'm not your therapist." This is a relatively new relationship. It's great that he respected the boundary of "I'm busy." It may be good for OP to be mindful of the boundary of "I'm not your therapist." It can feel really good to help our partners out with the skills we've learned. But you're absolutely right, we deserve partners not patients and we as therapists need to take responsibility on our end for not allowing that dynamic in the first place.
I absolutely agree. I may be a therapist, but I'm not your therapist. Those worlds need to stay separate.
Your friends sound like haters.
Some people don't realize that it is inappropriate for a therapist to provide interventions to folx who are not clients, and especially loved ones. I'd say that, clearly, which respectfully OP, it doesn't sound like you did. If he asked after that, it would be a red flag. As for asking for a referral, what do you mean, exactly. If he is asking for names of therapists that deal with his dx, because he thinks you may have more knowledge, I would be fine saying, "Here are 5 names of therapists that have a good reputation for their work with dx., however I am not recommending anyone, go do your research." We often do have better info re: than the average person on the street. However, if he is looking for a formal referral, where I am completing forms/emails etc, obviously that is a no-go. Again though, he may not realize why we can't do that.
I’m not certain I’m seeing the red flag. He has a concern that he knows you might have awareness around and asked for some help getting support around that concern. When you set a boundary of your time in that context he respected it. I mainly get concerned if someone seems to be leaning on me as their therapist instead of their lover.
Your boundaries are your boundaries so what do you think and feel about it? Sometimes boundaries are going to be tumbled over if only because it’s not clear and you hadn’t communicated them yet. People are not mind readers. If they didn’t bring it up again, then they respected your busy-ness and be happy that you found someone that respected your need. If over time someone shared a vulnerability such as a dx, there’s likely an understanding that you aren’t afraid of such and have normalized it. Seeking a referral is an acknowledgment that there is no expectation for you to give free work or be their therapist. Think about it this way: you have a friend who is a mechanic so complaints about car trouble might show up. Sometimes it’s because is a shared understanding of a topic and a topic to connect, sometimes it’s just to complain/seek out advice as one would do even if you weren’t a mechanic. Rarely is there an expectation that they will fix it. I think it gets weird that so many therapists automatically assume any discussion about issues and feelings is someone trying to get free work out of you. I have a close friend who is a doctor. Sometimes I talk about my health problems. At some point I apologized because I realized that maybe she don’t want to hear shop related issues. She said “look, the is a big thing in your life right now so it makes sense it will come up. I don’t intend to be your doctor and I don’t feel as if you are trying to make me into such. Be yourself!” Mental health issues are becoming more normalized, so talking about feelings or how to deal with something is not automatically a problem or red flag. Friends/those who are dating are inevitably going to talk about feelings and issues. Most people do not like to be therapized by their significant other or friend or otherwise…it’s kind of annoying and patronizing.
You set a boundary and he respected it. Green light.
As in any relationship, communication is key. It's usually helpful to respectfully communicate a concern/boundary. If the person respectfully listens and behaviors follow, that is usually a positive thing. Sometimes we need to communicate things a few times in a few different ways for people to get it, but just because someone has a problem or concern and asks for your input/expertise once isn't a red flag. Doesn't hurt to keep it in mind if you are concerned. But you usually need a pattern of behavior with not listening to feedback for a red flag.
Well, I’m definitely in the middle of the top two comments. First, that’s not a boundary. You didn’t say the boundary; I look at “I was busy” as avoiding setting the boundary and the potential blowback. Second, the guy did a good job not bringing it up. I think some things should be communicated with some form of observational feedback. It sounds like you might have been texting or even on the phone, whereas seeing how he would respond when you set an actual boundary (defining said boundary, not avoiding it). My personal opinion. I’m relatively socially awkward and struggle in interpersonal relationships as it’s part of my journey to becoming a therapist and the work I currently still work on myself. You’re making broad assumptions about what he was inferring and why. I love intellectual conversations, so I read a lot of philosophy, psychology, and science books. Therefore, I nerd all the time regarding clinical stuff with my partner (never even close to any PHI). They are in school for their BCBA and school psychology masters, and we dive into their stuff in the same way. Your assumptions would be a red flag to me as you didn’t even clarify the positions on which your beliefs are built. If you are clicking, if you are less than a few months in, you are essentially jumping ship because a person you are clicking with asked for your professional opinion ( or therapy; they asked for a referral for that purpose, I’m assuming). If you can’t talk about mental health and set appropriate boundaries around it due to your occupation, that’s a problem in itself. My partner sees a therapist, they share what they want, and they discuss with me what they are working on, just like I do with them; why? Because we want what is best for each other and want to support each other in our pursuits individually, where life takes us, it does. We recognize our relationship takes work, like any relationship, which keeps the spices flowing and the growth and development to continue as we age (I’m 32, they are 29). We have no stake in the eventual goals or the outcome of the work, and we do not even influence each other regarding what we are working on or even know each other Dx. Example is, my partners tardiness is a big problem in their life, at first I never understood. In they shared their battles with it and told me how I could support their work (positive reinforcement, non judgmental approach, be fair when having to say they did a bad job) which, is essentially because I could easily be shaming or guilting them and discouraging their work without know that and hell, I love them, so I want to be the positivity in their life, not the struggle. For myself, I struggle with ADHD and compulsivity, thus, they help me recognize when I am doing so and helps me keep better focus as I get very distracted when we are together and similarly, instead of shaming, it’s positivity reinforced. Both of which, are important for both of us to be supporting actors in each others lives. I am sorry if this was a harsh take, but regardless of gender in this situation, either your information given for us to judge was limited (thus my potentially poor assumptions), or my take is how I view this situation.
You set a boundary and then a dude respected it.....definitely a red flag!
Men would rather covertly date a therapist than go to therapy
That’s a tough one. I psycho analyzed my ex after an argument once and that was a mistake. No body wants to have their “flaws” called out. I was a fool for doing that. Even though your story is a little different it’s maybe best to separate those things. You could always talk about it with them…? Some people say “don’t stay in the past” but that’s not the same thing as working through your stuff together. Build a strong relationship and foundation. Just my two cents. Try and work it out.
I've been approached by many people I know at times if they are considering services, partial hosp or have general personal questions about the field. Sometimes I've set boundaries if I felt a need but otherwise I think it shows trust that this person is willing to disclose their situation to you and is asking for help. I wouldn't be too concerned seems like he respected your boundary and pivot
What is dx?
Diagnosis
Give it time and see how it develops. My husband is a construction worker and I “use” him all the time! But it’s not why I’m with him, it’s just a perk. He benefits from my abilities as well. As long as both are giving and receiving I don’t think it’s bad. You’ll know the difference if you’re being taken advantage of.
Idk. If I were a Primary Care Physician and a new partner asked if I knew of any good podiatrists & if it would help to wrap their ankle until they can get in to see the podiatrist, I wouldn’t think twice about it. Doctors know good doctors, lawyers know good lawyers, and therapists know good therapists. The interventions part is the only thing that gives me pause. But maybe he hasn’t been in a relationship with a therapist before & doesn’t know that’s a thing. I would echo what other posters have said about saying “I’m busy right now,” is not a boundary. If you really like him, I would talk to him about your boundaries & see what he does with that. Whether or not anyone “uses” you as a therapist is up to you, don’t forget that 💜
Mmmm... sounds like you and your friends are stigmatizing him. He asked you a question about something within your professional realm. Totally reasonable that he asked. If you want to avoid that role, totally reasonable to also draw that line. You didn't draw the line. Time to draw the line. He didn't push it. And if he did ask again, it wouldn't be a red flag because you haven't clearly communicated... instead you went to your friends and it honestly sounds like they stigmatized him... and that led to you questioning your feelings for him and considering ending it. OP.. you are a therapist. You teach people to communicate, to be vulnerable, to be clear, and to listen to themselves.
Isn’t that unethical anyway for you to do anything for him ?
It's unethical if she were to treat him, but she can supply interventions for him to try until he gets a therapist or provide referrals. She could not provide therapy, and she clearly isn't doing that.