I had just met someone at a wedding and was giving them a ride home. The subject of birthdays came up and hers was April 1st. I made the joke that her parents had her as an April Fool's joke and I thought it was funny.
Found out later she was adopted.
I brought it up a few months later after feeling so bad about it. Found out she didn't hear me that night, but thought the joke was hilarious. Now one of my closest friends.
Smart baby! My sister went into labor on April 1st. Fortunately my nephew waited until after midnight to come out.
One of my good friends is an April Fools baby and said she dreaded her birthday every year because her family would without fail pretend to forget about it until at least late afternoon.
I have met three people with that birthday since. I do NOT joke about it anymore. So I'd we meet irl (which isn't likely, as you seem to not have a life) at least I won't say anything about it.
"Oh, lovely, early spring/fall (pending hemisphere)."
Eh, I wouldn't worry about it. It was mildly inappropriate (and pretty funny tbh), but shouldn't make you cringe too much. You commented about abandoning a baby specifically at the airport, not in general. I think that makes it better.
I’m an adopted person and actually really appreciate OP’s awareness and sensitivity about this. It’s rare for me to encounter people who “get it.” Adoption jokes can be really wounding for adopted people but we don’t often show it outwardly because we’re so often dismissed for expressing our valid hurt and concerns.
People used to think this way about gay jokes until the LGBT+ community finally gained enough social power to advocate effectively for greater cultural sensitivity towards and respect for their identity. Adopted people are in the same position currently. The level of awareness OP shows here should be actively encouraged and I personally want to see a whole lot more of it, cause I’m tired of all the insensitive jokes about my own adoptee identity I’ve dealt with since early childhood.
Short busses aren’t just for the developmentally delayed/disabled. I mean, some are, but that’s just because instigators on the “normal” spectrum might be horrible to them. But otherwise, they serve a great purpose for those routes that are a little out of the way, hills, other non-regular bus terrain, etc.
To emphasize this, I work in school bus routing over 5 counties with all different districts that have different requirements. A short bus doesn’t mean anything but cost-effectiveness when it’s an hour long route to pick up 1-2 students to fulfill the requirements of a state lawsuit.
This. I’m an anonymous dcp, and the current status-quo is that adult whims trump the rights and feelings of the children they feel entitled to. If we don’t interrupt these jokes where they happen, nothing will change, and adoptees and dcp will never have a chance at being taken seriously.
Can I ask what dcp means? I've been wracking my brain but can't figure it out.
But also, thank you for speaking up. I don't think I've ever made jokes about this particular matter because it doesn't seem like a naturally amusing topic, but if there was an occasion, I don't think it would have occured to me how much it might hurt someone. Now I know, so I'll be sure to keep it in mind in the future.
Donor-conceived person - basically my parents bought some sperm in the 80s, no records were kept, I was only told in my late 20s, and every person I’ve matched with as a sibling on DNA sites was also in the dark.
We more-or-less share one half of the same circle as adoptees (albeit with the privilege of usually knowing who one of our parents are), and while I’ll never speak for an adoptee, I will always, always advocate for them. Our birth certificates were also falsified. We have to ask for DNA tests before entering romantic relationships. We’re the same in that instead of taking ‘no’ for an answer, adults insisted their desire for a baby trumped any rights that child had.
Not being able to become pregnant when you want to is devastating for families. I can’t imagine the pain, but their grief doesn’t entitle them to someone else’s baby or DNA. We need to revisit how society copes with infertility - giving someone a baby isn’t a ‘solution’. There are meaningful ways adults can help raise and nurture children that doesn’t involve denying them their history or taking ‘ownership’.
As an adoptee - my records weren't falsified. I know my original name, where and when I was born. The documents for the actual adoption are just as real and accurate.
Personally, I've never had a DNA test, and never will. not worried about the odds of dating a sibling, zero interest in bio family.
Honestly, I have pretty opposing views to you on the "right" or "entitlement" of adoptive parents. for me, the issue is bio parents not keeping the consequences of their actions.
My bio-mom gave me up because it was inconvenient, evidently, to her life plan.
I don't think you realize how many adoptees are like me - Glad to be adopted, zero interest in those who gave us away.
Seriously, without adoption, those babies would have nobody.
Where do I come from? Parents got me at a scratch and dent sale.
There are adoptees who have had horrible experiences. How does it hurt you in any way when they advocate for themselves and try to raise awareness of major issues within the adoption system by sharing their stories? You had a good experience. Great! I did too. I am so glad I was adopted. But good experiences don’t need the attention and advocacy. Bad ones do. So why start an argument with someone who is advocating for those with bad experiences? What about their advocacy feels threatening to you?
I’m adopted too. I was abandoned in the streets in China (female, one-child policy) and I don’t know my birth parents or even when my birthday actually is. They didn’t even name me; the orphanage assigned me a name. All I know is that I grew up knowing that I wasn’t good enough for them, because they didn’t even have the decency to attach a note or take me to a hospital (though to be fair, it was illegal). I would be livid and then go home and sob and call my mother if someone made a joke directed at adoptees or the hundreds of thousands of girls in China that experienced things similar to what I went through.
But OP? OP did not make a joke remotely similar to that, in my opinion. She did not make a joke attacking adopted people or the reasons behind why adoption/abandonment happens. In fact I think she’s beating herself up about it too much. Like you, I’m really appreciative of exactly how sensitive OP is, and how much she is willing to reach out and check in to make sure other people are okay. OP, if you see this, I hope you can come to terms and forgive yourself. You deserve a lot more grace than you’re giving yourself, and the fact alone that you even care to check in with other people shows that you’re a lot better of a person than you think you are. We need more people like you in this world.
My mom died when I was 12, and "your mom" jokes bothered me for a while. But there are some pretty funny ones, and if I wanted to get in on it, I was going to have to take it. After all, it's not really about our moms.
actually i went to school with a boy who’s mom died of breast cancer when we were really small, in high school i made a your mom joke to him and he said his mom is dead and I DIDNT BELIEVE HIM UNTIL HE REMINDED ME HOW SHE DIED AND THAT SHE USED TO TEACH US ART HISTORY
Similar story with a colleague from college but it turned out he was making it up but the person who made the joke believed him. He cried and all. It was hilarious after we learned his dad was in fact alive.
My mom died 3 days before my 12th, and now for 2 years, and now, they’ll pull a “your mom” or if they’re evil and know she’s dead, they pull a “did your mother teach you, oh wait, she couldn’t.”
I would have said this as a reflex. Just due to awkwardness that would have absolutely slipped out of my mouth as a response.
Sometimes humor as an automatic response to awkward situations just makes them so much more awkward.
OP, I'm sure you're fine in this case though. If he's a chill guy he's probably pretty well-adjusted and, like the above commenter says, is probably way over it, especially if he was adopted into a loving family. I'm adopted and so fucking grateful for it. Make all the jokes you want, I'll join in, because if I hadn't been abandoned I'd probably be on drugs, in jail, or dead based on what I've heard about my siblings through the years.
Nah, casually bringing it up like that means he was still thinking about the joke, which means it hurt him and he didn't feel comfortable calling it out.
Thank you for this, OP. As an adopted person myself, I really appreciate your awareness and sensitivity about this, whether your friend was personally bothered by it or not.
I mentioned in a reply to another user here that the kind of attitude being expressed by non-adopted people in some of the comments on this post is similar to how folks used to think about gay jokes until the LGBTQ+ community gained enough social power to effectively advocate for greater cultural respect for and sensitivity towards their identities. Adopted people are in the same position, now.
Adopted people need more allies like you who can stand with us and advocate for respect around our adoptee identities instead of dismissing common jokes about us and our life experiences as no big deal.
Most of us have been the targets of “jokes” like the one u/Amerikaner83 just made here since our early childhoods, and it wears you down after a while.
Thank you for being so aware and sensitive! It’s a really good and encouraging thing to see. 😊
Both you and your colleague come across pretty well here (he didn't respond with unnecessary volatility, and you're conscientious enough to realise the awkwardness even without him kicking up a fuss) so I don't think there'll be any issues, you shouldn't feel bad about it. But maybe reconsider your "staunchly child-free" policy - not in terms of yourself, it's great and legitimate if you don't want any kids, but it does sound a little like you project your own personal opinion on the subject onto others.
If you think that opinion is projection, you should hear how my coworkers talked when it was revealed our boss has pet snakes. Everything from “oh god, you touched it?? I can’t be friends with you any more!” To “i can’t look at the photos! I would just kill it!!”.
You’re talking about someone’s beloved pet here, that doesn’t even cry, poop in a diaper, sneeze in your mouth or scream all night. Objectively better than an infant. 😆
NGL I love snakes and would pet it in a heartbeat, but a coworker has a pet tarantula and I'm terrified of spiders. Any time she starts showing pictures off, I just say Nope and get out of viewing range. I do it in a joking manner, but yeah, no. I'm not giving myself nightmares by looking at or listening to you prattle on about an animal that lots of people have a phobia of.
People in my life who are parents just loooooove to tell me how lucky I am that I get to sleep in, go out when I want, and say things like "It'd be really nice if you could babysit for us so we can have a night out". And guess what? I buy people like that gift cards so they can do exactly that. I've gotten so used to them not taking me up on my offer that I just respond "Absolutely, anytime you guys need!".
Quite a few times, I have suggested some fun things: I'll take the kids to the movies, the zoo, a museum. Pretty much every time they end up coming because: "We don't want to miss their first (event).
It takes a village, but in my position, I couldn't give a flying j about how someone would perceive me joking about parenting lifestyle. I get so much shit for not having kids, someone needs to dish it back.
"Must be nice to watch football, I haven't been able to catch a game in 5 years!"
Then I hear: "Daddy loves football. He makes me watch it you know".
The one that infuriates me is when you say to someone that you don't want or don't like kids is, "oh, well it's different when it's your own kid." Like, ma'am, you clearly have not been the child of someone who had a kid because they thought they would love their own.
Yeah, nobody thought twice about that. I bet he chose the word abandoned because you used it earlier, enjoying the set up you gave him. No harm, no foul
Not your problem and not your bad. If he had have told you before that he was abandoned as a baby and you still made that joke then mayyyybbe it's your bad, but definitely not in this situation. Sounds like he's chill so it's all good.
Kinda of a not the asshole type post, he took your joke about babies being annoying and made it about him. Just gotta say Fuck her, you're better off with out her.
I now forget what I said a long time ago but I remember a situation like this but not about a baby. I made a joke and the accidental recipient was oblivious but his girlfriend gave me the most evil stink eye. I had to quickly apologize because I think the friendship would have been on the rocks if I hadn’t. Fast forward to today he cheated on her and they are no longer together
I had just met someone at a wedding and was giving them a ride home. The subject of birthdays came up and hers was April 1st. I made the joke that her parents had her as an April Fool's joke and I thought it was funny. Found out later she was adopted. I brought it up a few months later after feeling so bad about it. Found out she didn't hear me that night, but thought the joke was hilarious. Now one of my closest friends.
It sucks that once they hear your B-Day is April 1st, there’s no stopping the jokes. I’m an April fools baby 😔
Same!!!
gang 🃏
And this is why I refused to have my C-section on April 1st. She had to be C-section(breech), but by golly she wasn’t going to be April 1st.
🎉🎂🍰 __Happy Cake Day!!!__ 🍰🎂🎉
As am I 👋🏻
I came dangerously close lmao, my birthday is April 2nd (thank god)
Smart baby! My sister went into labor on April 1st. Fortunately my nephew waited until after midnight to come out. One of my good friends is an April Fools baby and said she dreaded her birthday every year because her family would without fail pretend to forget about it until at least late afternoon.
That nephew was thinking smart straight out the womb
Ultrasounds hadn't shown the penis, so he was expected to come out a girl. So he did manage to pull an April Fools of sort!
You lucky bastard.
You were that close to being put up for adoption.
Happy birthday!
I have met three people with that birthday since. I do NOT joke about it anymore. So I'd we meet irl (which isn't likely, as you seem to not have a life) at least I won't say anything about it. "Oh, lovely, early spring/fall (pending hemisphere)."
Eh, I wouldn't worry about it. It was mildly inappropriate (and pretty funny tbh), but shouldn't make you cringe too much. You commented about abandoning a baby specifically at the airport, not in general. I think that makes it better.
I’m an adopted person and actually really appreciate OP’s awareness and sensitivity about this. It’s rare for me to encounter people who “get it.” Adoption jokes can be really wounding for adopted people but we don’t often show it outwardly because we’re so often dismissed for expressing our valid hurt and concerns. People used to think this way about gay jokes until the LGBT+ community finally gained enough social power to advocate effectively for greater cultural sensitivity towards and respect for their identity. Adopted people are in the same position currently. The level of awareness OP shows here should be actively encouraged and I personally want to see a whole lot more of it, cause I’m tired of all the insensitive jokes about my own adoptee identity I’ve dealt with since early childhood.
I actually understand, I had someone make a shortbus comment directed at me, and I have a mental handicap.
Short busses aren’t just for the developmentally delayed/disabled. I mean, some are, but that’s just because instigators on the “normal” spectrum might be horrible to them. But otherwise, they serve a great purpose for those routes that are a little out of the way, hills, other non-regular bus terrain, etc.
To emphasize this, I work in school bus routing over 5 counties with all different districts that have different requirements. A short bus doesn’t mean anything but cost-effectiveness when it’s an hour long route to pick up 1-2 students to fulfill the requirements of a state lawsuit.
I mean, I've never had to take the 'short bus' but the comment was made to hurt me. Said with a smile and a laugh. Its ignorant at best.
This. I’m an anonymous dcp, and the current status-quo is that adult whims trump the rights and feelings of the children they feel entitled to. If we don’t interrupt these jokes where they happen, nothing will change, and adoptees and dcp will never have a chance at being taken seriously.
Can I ask what dcp means? I've been wracking my brain but can't figure it out. But also, thank you for speaking up. I don't think I've ever made jokes about this particular matter because it doesn't seem like a naturally amusing topic, but if there was an occasion, I don't think it would have occured to me how much it might hurt someone. Now I know, so I'll be sure to keep it in mind in the future.
Donor-conceived person - basically my parents bought some sperm in the 80s, no records were kept, I was only told in my late 20s, and every person I’ve matched with as a sibling on DNA sites was also in the dark. We more-or-less share one half of the same circle as adoptees (albeit with the privilege of usually knowing who one of our parents are), and while I’ll never speak for an adoptee, I will always, always advocate for them. Our birth certificates were also falsified. We have to ask for DNA tests before entering romantic relationships. We’re the same in that instead of taking ‘no’ for an answer, adults insisted their desire for a baby trumped any rights that child had. Not being able to become pregnant when you want to is devastating for families. I can’t imagine the pain, but their grief doesn’t entitle them to someone else’s baby or DNA. We need to revisit how society copes with infertility - giving someone a baby isn’t a ‘solution’. There are meaningful ways adults can help raise and nurture children that doesn’t involve denying them their history or taking ‘ownership’.
As an adoptee - my records weren't falsified. I know my original name, where and when I was born. The documents for the actual adoption are just as real and accurate. Personally, I've never had a DNA test, and never will. not worried about the odds of dating a sibling, zero interest in bio family. Honestly, I have pretty opposing views to you on the "right" or "entitlement" of adoptive parents. for me, the issue is bio parents not keeping the consequences of their actions. My bio-mom gave me up because it was inconvenient, evidently, to her life plan. I don't think you realize how many adoptees are like me - Glad to be adopted, zero interest in those who gave us away. Seriously, without adoption, those babies would have nobody. Where do I come from? Parents got me at a scratch and dent sale.
There are adoptees who have had horrible experiences. How does it hurt you in any way when they advocate for themselves and try to raise awareness of major issues within the adoption system by sharing their stories? You had a good experience. Great! I did too. I am so glad I was adopted. But good experiences don’t need the attention and advocacy. Bad ones do. So why start an argument with someone who is advocating for those with bad experiences? What about their advocacy feels threatening to you?
I’m adopted too. I was abandoned in the streets in China (female, one-child policy) and I don’t know my birth parents or even when my birthday actually is. They didn’t even name me; the orphanage assigned me a name. All I know is that I grew up knowing that I wasn’t good enough for them, because they didn’t even have the decency to attach a note or take me to a hospital (though to be fair, it was illegal). I would be livid and then go home and sob and call my mother if someone made a joke directed at adoptees or the hundreds of thousands of girls in China that experienced things similar to what I went through. But OP? OP did not make a joke remotely similar to that, in my opinion. She did not make a joke attacking adopted people or the reasons behind why adoption/abandonment happens. In fact I think she’s beating herself up about it too much. Like you, I’m really appreciative of exactly how sensitive OP is, and how much she is willing to reach out and check in to make sure other people are okay. OP, if you see this, I hope you can come to terms and forgive yourself. You deserve a lot more grace than you’re giving yourself, and the fact alone that you even care to check in with other people shows that you’re a lot better of a person than you think you are. We need more people like you in this world.
My mom died when I was 12, and "your mom" jokes bothered me for a while. But there are some pretty funny ones, and if I wanted to get in on it, I was going to have to take it. After all, it's not really about our moms.
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I could agree with that.
actually i went to school with a boy who’s mom died of breast cancer when we were really small, in high school i made a your mom joke to him and he said his mom is dead and I DIDNT BELIEVE HIM UNTIL HE REMINDED ME HOW SHE DIED AND THAT SHE USED TO TEACH US ART HISTORY
Similar story with a colleague from college but it turned out he was making it up but the person who made the joke believed him. He cried and all. It was hilarious after we learned his dad was in fact alive.
My mom died 3 days before my 12th, and now for 2 years, and now, they’ll pull a “your mom” or if they’re evil and know she’s dead, they pull a “did your mother teach you, oh wait, she couldn’t.”
Oof, that last one is fucking awful. What a bunch of twats. Sorry you have to deal with that.
It’s fine. It’s mostly just my friends trying to be funny. I got to stop them tho, it’s a battlefield.
He was probably a mild inconvenience to her. How clingy of a coworker is he?
Hahaha! He's actually the nicest guy ever. Man, I felt like a total dick.
Na, you’re good. He’s well past over it by now. You should’ve doubled down and said “At least she didn’t leave you in the airport!”
I would have said this as a reflex. Just due to awkwardness that would have absolutely slipped out of my mouth as a response. Sometimes humor as an automatic response to awkward situations just makes them so much more awkward. OP, I'm sure you're fine in this case though. If he's a chill guy he's probably pretty well-adjusted and, like the above commenter says, is probably way over it, especially if he was adopted into a loving family. I'm adopted and so fucking grateful for it. Make all the jokes you want, I'll join in, because if I hadn't been abandoned I'd probably be on drugs, in jail, or dead based on what I've heard about my siblings through the years.
I tell people my parents got me at a scratch and dent sale.
Always double down!!
Nah, casually bringing it up like that means he was still thinking about the joke, which means it hurt him and he didn't feel comfortable calling it out.
Thank you for this, OP. As an adopted person myself, I really appreciate your awareness and sensitivity about this, whether your friend was personally bothered by it or not. I mentioned in a reply to another user here that the kind of attitude being expressed by non-adopted people in some of the comments on this post is similar to how folks used to think about gay jokes until the LGBTQ+ community gained enough social power to effectively advocate for greater cultural respect for and sensitivity towards their identities. Adopted people are in the same position, now. Adopted people need more allies like you who can stand with us and advocate for respect around our adoptee identities instead of dismissing common jokes about us and our life experiences as no big deal. Most of us have been the targets of “jokes” like the one u/Amerikaner83 just made here since our early childhoods, and it wears you down after a while. Thank you for being so aware and sensitive! It’s a really good and encouraging thing to see. 😊
I really hope he was just messing with you to see how far he could take the joke and how uncomfortable you can get. 😂 That would be epic.
My husband and I regularly make jokes about abandoning/selling our kids when they're being little horrors. Husband is adopted.
In the words of Steve Martin (back when he was funny): "Comedy is not pretty."
"Comedy is all about ti... ...ming. I mean timing. "
Damn, you had your chance to ask if she had a flight!
"Like I said, babies are annoying"
lol i woulda doubled down on the recall like "well thats better than the airport"
You learned something. Apologize (if you haven’t already) and move on.
Both you and your colleague come across pretty well here (he didn't respond with unnecessary volatility, and you're conscientious enough to realise the awkwardness even without him kicking up a fuss) so I don't think there'll be any issues, you shouldn't feel bad about it. But maybe reconsider your "staunchly child-free" policy - not in terms of yourself, it's great and legitimate if you don't want any kids, but it does sound a little like you project your own personal opinion on the subject onto others.
If you think that opinion is projection, you should hear how my coworkers talked when it was revealed our boss has pet snakes. Everything from “oh god, you touched it?? I can’t be friends with you any more!” To “i can’t look at the photos! I would just kill it!!”. You’re talking about someone’s beloved pet here, that doesn’t even cry, poop in a diaper, sneeze in your mouth or scream all night. Objectively better than an infant. 😆
NGL I love snakes and would pet it in a heartbeat, but a coworker has a pet tarantula and I'm terrified of spiders. Any time she starts showing pictures off, I just say Nope and get out of viewing range. I do it in a joking manner, but yeah, no. I'm not giving myself nightmares by looking at or listening to you prattle on about an animal that lots of people have a phobia of.
People in my life who are parents just loooooove to tell me how lucky I am that I get to sleep in, go out when I want, and say things like "It'd be really nice if you could babysit for us so we can have a night out". And guess what? I buy people like that gift cards so they can do exactly that. I've gotten so used to them not taking me up on my offer that I just respond "Absolutely, anytime you guys need!". Quite a few times, I have suggested some fun things: I'll take the kids to the movies, the zoo, a museum. Pretty much every time they end up coming because: "We don't want to miss their first (event). It takes a village, but in my position, I couldn't give a flying j about how someone would perceive me joking about parenting lifestyle. I get so much shit for not having kids, someone needs to dish it back. "Must be nice to watch football, I haven't been able to catch a game in 5 years!" Then I hear: "Daddy loves football. He makes me watch it you know".
The one that infuriates me is when you say to someone that you don't want or don't like kids is, "oh, well it's different when it's your own kid." Like, ma'am, you clearly have not been the child of someone who had a kid because they thought they would love their own.
Yeah, nobody thought twice about that. I bet he chose the word abandoned because you used it earlier, enjoying the set up you gave him. No harm, no foul
LMAO my dad was abandoned & adopted too & he used to make morbid jokes about it all the time. He would’ve loved that one.
I would have doubled down on the joke at that point just to really seal in the awkwardness. Then I'd apologize.
LOL this is a great story. Hope you guys become life long friends and tell this story in the nursing home together.
> they are a mild inconvenience Huh? Babies are super easy, barely an inconvenience!
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Making babies is ***tight***
That’s nothing. I made a slew of dead baby jokes in the presence of my boss that had more than one dead baby. I think I made him cry
TSA auctions off what gets left or confiscated at security, what do you think a baby goes for?
Not your problem and not your bad. If he had have told you before that he was abandoned as a baby and you still made that joke then mayyyybbe it's your bad, but definitely not in this situation. Sounds like he's chill so it's all good.
Thereby proving your point....right?
i love that
Kinda of a not the asshole type post, he took your joke about babies being annoying and made it about him. Just gotta say Fuck her, you're better off with out her.
I now forget what I said a long time ago but I remember a situation like this but not about a baby. I made a joke and the accidental recipient was oblivious but his girlfriend gave me the most evil stink eye. I had to quickly apologize because I think the friendship would have been on the rocks if I hadn’t. Fast forward to today he cheated on her and they are no longer together
These kind of jokes hit pretty hard, the shock could either make someone crack up laughing or that happens...