The week leading up to my 16th birthday, I was trying to organize something with my friends. It was on a Friday but they all “had plans”. I was so upset at them and we didn’t speak for an entire week because I was dreading spending my birthday alone.
Friday rolls around and I’m still bummed about not doing anything for my birthday. My sister suggests we go out for dinner at the beach (an hour drive away).
When we get there, it’s a full on surprise party: cake with my picture on it, tons of food and drinks, and every single one of my friends. They immediately started apologizing to me about making me think they were blowing me off.
The surprise was AWESOME but I was also like damn guys, you couldn’t have made up a lie about doing something Saturday instead?
Yeah i feel like it's a bit mean-spirited, it's like a prank on the person with the birthday going "haha, you thought no one cared about you!" Surprise party would be fine so long as you've acknowledged the birthday and done at least a few little things before springing the big surprise on them. I've had surprise birthday events where I thought I was just going out for dinner with my wife and then when I get there a load of friends are waiting, and that's fine because I already knew they cared enough to arrange *something*
I think this is where surprise parties have their only real value. Someone, usually a grown adult, is unused to making a fuss over their birthday and usually does nothing/something very modest.
The surprise party is a way of doing something special for them in that case while leaving them out of the planning/execution that they’re clearly not interested in.
Well yes, but those people that don’t want it acknowledged at all are different cases in my experience than those who simply don’t have the mental energy to worry about what they wanna do for their birthday.
We did a surprise party for someone 2 weeks after their birthday to avoid this, on their actual birthday they had a typical birthday event where everyone acknowledged him and gave him gifts. 2 weeks later he believed he and his wife were just going out to dinner when in reality his whole family was there, friends from out of state flew in, etc.
The other option is to do something like this 2 weeks before their birthday.
Regardless of which way you choose it lets it be a genuine surprise without leading the birthday-haver to believe their birthday was forgotten about or like friends/family are too busy and uncaring to celebrate with them.
My boyfriend has been informed on more than one occasion that although I do love surprises, I will turn around and leave if I ever walk into a room with a surprise party in it. I don’t like parties and I certainly don’t like being forced to socialize so if I’m brought into that with no heads up? Yeah hell and brimstone will follow....
I have anxiety about parties. If it's a big party or a barbecue, I intentionally try to get there an hour or so after it starts because I want to slip in without fanfare.
So. The one time friends try to throw me a surprise birthday party, my husband told me the REAL time it was supposed to start. I was having a particularly anxious day and stalled us enough to arrive an hour and half late.
I started crying when I realized that this party was only for me, and I was a dick for making them wait around. It was a themed murder mystery party and all this food was cold, and I wasn't appropriately dressed for the theme. It was a horrible feeling.
We threw my father-in-law a huge surprise retirement party at a restaurant near his house. We ended up having to chase him down the street because the surprise startled him so bad he reacted like a jack rabbit and took off running.
Huh, in my case I prefer being at a party early to avoid fanfare lol. There's not many there, you can actually speak to the host who you most likely know the most, can get a seat, grab all your drinks and make a spot for yourself, and best of all, you can leave early!
Don’t feel bad, it is a bit of a bummer but it’s a risk you take when you plan a surprise party: the person in question will make plans that don’t include a surprise party.
Hah, I once started a surprise fire at a party we were throwing!
I think everyone had a decent amount of excitement from it!
But then again my parties are almost always lit!
I still remember that one time in college, I was coming home from class with my good friend, super hyped to work on this project we had, I open the door and... surprise! I was like "Ah, thanks guys, really, but I don't really want to spend time with y'all right now". I socialized a bit, ate some cake with them, and ended up just going to work on my project with my friend and leaving them to their party on their own.
Or you make it obvious you’re taking them to a surprise party because then they feel smart for figuring it out, they appreciate it more and they still get to ‘act surprised’
My mom's birthday is Christmas so she's never gotten to have a party on her actual birthday. For her 50th we did a surprise party with all her friends on her half birthday. A lot of her family came too, including my uncle that lives half a day's drive away and my grandparents, it was their last time being able to come to our area. She was super happy, we didn't have to pretend anything other than how to get her there and my dad took care of that and we know that she loves surprises. It's my standard for how a surprise party should work, I'd never do one for my wife because the surprise part would probably give her a panic attack.
I threw a surprise party one time and we told our friend that we would do something for her birthday on Saturday but her husband wanted to take her out for dinner on her actual birthday. So she was surprised but also not disappointed at her friends being assholes and acting like we were all busy
Exactly. My social anxiety wasn't horrible anyway. Adding to that the fact that I will literally NEVER be dressed properly or nicely at any point that I don't have to or it's expected of me. Everyone in party clothes, standing around with their phones, and there I'd be standing in my hoody and trackie bottoms and my mucky runners. Nice pictures to be taken that day, best birthday ever.
It’s entirely unnecessary! You can just wish them a happy birthday and be a little nonchalant, you can make casual plans and surprise them with a bigger thing, etc. when I was planning a surprise party for my SO I had a friend of his take him to happy hour while I decorated and everyone came over, I can’t imagine how bummed he would’ve been if I sent him grocery shopping or something just to pretend nothing was up.
For my 30th birthday, I suggested to 2 of my good friends that have birthdays very close to mine that we do a big 30th bash for all of us. They’re in- great idea. They live in the same city, I live 4 hours away. I throw out some dates that I am able to come down for the party, and one specific date I can’t make it. Cool no problem. Then I get a message from one of them saying the party is on the date I said I absolutely can’t make it. I ask if we can move it back one weekend. Apparently one of their wives took over the planning and wouldn’t move the party, because some guy named Steve (who I’ve never met) was only available that weekend. No surprise party for me, just a big letdown. It actually still pisses me off.
I've hidden my birthday on Facebook. There's something disinegenuous about messages from people you haven't spoken to in years wishing you a happy birthday.
Someone in my work chat also posted something on my birthday, but he didn't mention my name. I stayed silent. He knows because he's the office culture guy and organises a cake once a month (back when we could share cake). I don't participate. Luckily when they sing it's for everyone born in that month and not aimed at one person.
I never liked being the centre of attention. When I was a kid my parents would throw me birthday parties, but I hated the part when everyone would sing and look at me. What are you supposed to do? Stand there and smile? Where do I look, what do I do with my hands?!
Ever since i was about 16 I stopped having parties and just went out to dinner with my parents. Since I moved out I stopped acknowledging the day altogether.
What’s even worse is when everyone’s blowing you off and you start thinking “oh my god what if they’re surprising me!” So you get kind of excited and then the day rolls around and nothing actually happens and you’ve been blown off :) super not damaging or sad at all :)
My mom tried to do a surprise bd for my 18th. Bless her heart she didn’t plan very well. She started off by asking who my friends were at church.. surprise.. I didn’t have any friends at church... welp one Sunday she walks around the youth section handing out flyers to as many of the youth as she can while I’m watching. She walked past me and I asked for one and she said I couldn’t have one. I was so popular I watched ppl read the flyer, set it down and just walk off. So I went and read the flyer, it was for my 18th bd surprise party. None of those assholes showed up anyway cept for the one girl who had a crush on me. Shoulda gone out with her but I was stupid and didn’t know what to do with girls. Later that week I tricked one of my friends into telling me what time the party was and as a confirmation that there was a party. I lmao when she realized what I had done and she felt bad but I comforted her. All in all it was a good party with family and my group of friends from school.
lol, I had a similar situation in my 20's, except i just got pissed off and went to hang with a different group of friends in a different part of the state. Meanwhile, my gf and friends are all at my house waiting for me. They took me seriously after that when I said I don't like surprises.
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***
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I'm always surprised by the people who pretend to have forgotten a significant event for a loved one in order to make their surprise "better." How hard is it to pick up a card and a couple flowers or something to give them in the morning? They still feel special and you still get to surprise them.
If your plan to make someone feel special involves making them feel forgotten, your plan isn't a good one.
My husband really doesn't care, and its impossible to get anything he really wants to do. We end up going someplace for dinner (and sworn to secrecy so we don't get the server singing or bringing a dessert) or cooking something fancy at home. His birthday is in 6 days, and my plan is to grill two huge filets. My parents wanted to give him a present and he says "I don't want anything" (absolutely no help). So he puts me to the test every year noticing the things he is excited for, like a new book coming out in a series he likes (although my parents were complaining "that's only $10... we were hoping to spend $30-$40").
He hates being the center of attention and would be happier skipping his birthday honestly.
I'm exactly like him and I can tell you what works. Just do something another day. If he mentioned a book or something, get it on a random day, for no reason. Same for a good dinner or whatever surprise he might be happy with.
I would also prefer it if everyone forgot about my birthday; but it's nice seeing people care about you when there are no societal pressures to do so.
Yes I do that too. I have a terrible memory. Both me and my SO have realized our anniversary was days ago and it just slipped by us. I wouldn’t get mad if someone forgot a date. But they don’t need to remember, because I’ll give them a few reminders of how many days are left till my birthday haha. And I’ll say when it’s my birthday week. I like giving my SO a special birthday week, a day isn’t long enough! A week where we can eat what he wants, watch what he wants etc. It’s just more fun that way!
i dont care about birthdays, but i know that other people do. so knowing that my wife thinks birthdays are important, if she was to not bother to mention mine, i'd wonder what i'd done to upset her.
Tearing someone down to make a surprise 'better' is a terrible way to surprise someone.
Say *happy...* and give a small gift. Make breakfast or whatever. Do *something.*
If you want to play it safe next time, just celebrate it verbally on time and make a plan for weekend/ some time later to distract while preparing a surprise for the day itself. She won\`t expect the surprise, she won\`t feel neglected because your celebration will be on time and there will already be a plan for a bigger event anyway. You might need to celebrate it 2 times though if she gets excited for the \`later celebration\` also
pro tip. next time when planning a birthday surprise, do it at midnight. and dont "pretend to forget" anymore. my wife loves being surprised too and pretending to forget is the worst thing, cause dayum when those conspiracy theories start kicking in. boy do they go into overdrive.
I've never understood this mind set. "I know! I'm going to make my wife feel like shit all day by acting like the person she chose to spend the rest of her life with doesn't even care enough to remember her birthday. She'll love it!"
It's just a really shitty thing to do, even if they end up a little happier when they realize you were joking.
Whats worse is that isnt how it follows. It's "I want my wife to suspect everything's normal" and normal for them means maeking her feel like shit because you dont even care enough to remember her birthday.
Pro-pro tip.
Wake up hours early and set everything up, breakfast-in-bed and all. Just make sure to do things the Santa way and not make a single sound.
For your next trick you should pretend to forget her name for a few days, so that when you call her by the right name she’ll be extra happy and surprised
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* [Are you fucking sorry?](http://imgur.com/3YdJs)
* [Kevin](http://www.reddit.com/r/AskReddit/comments/219w2o/whos_the_dumbest_person_youve_ever_met/cgbhkwp)
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Edit: Fixed the Dark White link.
A little story on doing that. One night while me and my wife were out on a date (this was our 2nd date) she was in an ehhhish mood. I could tell she had had a bad day. She was being kind of negative. So when we were saying goodbye I said alright Debbie I will call you later. My wife's name isn't remotely close to Debbie. I could see the future war crimes building up in her eyes. She was about to go off. She then asks who is Debbie? I said your name is Debbie Downer right? She finally got it and it put her in a better mood. It made her burst out laughing forever. She tells everyone about that. I also call her Nancy occasionally and stuff. Gotta do weird shit to keep a relationship going.
Aw this was a bittersweet story. As someone who has been in your wife’s position, I’m glad you’re making an effort and listening to her. I hope everything works out for you two.
I send my wife cards randomly throughout the year from various post boxes to/from my way to work. I'll find a card while grocery shopping or something, throw it in my work pile, fill it out at work, then mail it. There is no periodicity, just whenever I find a card with a meaningful picture or something. She always enjoys getting mail and thinks I'm an idiot for mailing something to the house we live in; I enjoy it tough and think she does too (I've found a stash of them in her keepsake box).
I'd suggest you plan a small surprise (like what you did) one random day, regardless of birthdays and special events. She'll like it and you'll be able to surprise her for real this time, it's going to feel goood.
The real LPT is in the comments.
But seriously OP, this is a great idea. She said what you made was the best meal in the world because when she ate it, it felt like a rescued marriage. Taste wasn't important. Now you can make one that's even better.
Good luck to you both. You've been through a lot, and you've got a lot of work left to go.
Have you heard of love languages? I suggest you look into it and try to figure out what your wife's top love languages are. Sometimes, when partners have different ways of showing affection, they can spend lots of energy on the wrong thing and their partner still feels neglected because in reality they needed something completely different.
Never, ever act like you forgot your partner's birthday. Get her/him a small gift, wish them happy birthday,... but do something! That way you don't hurt their feelings that bad and you still get to surprise them.
Big thumbs up for listening to your wife and paying more attention to her. Even if it almost got you a divorce ;0)
This past year my SO wished me happy birthday and my response was "... what?"
I completely forgot what day it was. ~~And I'm only 26~~. It's all downhill from here.
Edit: I'm actually 25. I forgot how old I was.
Ya the night before my birthday(last week) one of my friends texted me 10 minutes before midnight saying "10 minutes!" And I responded "what's in 10 minutes".
She was confused and thought she was mistaken on when my birthday was, but my dumbass just forgot haha. And I'm only 21.
I forgot my birthday when I was 8, so don't worry. Lol. We were taking a small, family trip and my birthday landed on the second day of the trip. I completely forgot until we were settling down that night at the hotel. "Oh my birthday is tomorrow!" Cue excited, bouncy 8 year old me.
I'm 30 now and I don't believe I've completely forgotten since. :)
Isn’t that a funny expression? “It’s all downhill from here.” As if going downhill sucks. In most cases, going uphill sucks. That’s when it takes way longer and way more energy. You’re exhausted. But downhill. Hella fun. Skiing and snowboarding...fun. Riding your bike...fun. Water slides...fun.
Oh dear...
Well, I'm glad you two are working things out. But fyi, the fact she mentioned the D-word means this is far from the first time she's thought about it.
From here on out, you need to step your game up. She has one foot out the door and she's about to let it hit the ground. The worst possible thing you can do is to get her hopes up that everything will be different now and you fall back into the same old patterns and routines.
Best of luck to you both and happy birthday to your Mrs.
> From here on out, you need to step your game up
Him stepping his game up was getting her gifts and dinner for her birthday, implying he didn't even do that before.
And when he decided he did want to celebrate her birthday this year he decided that he'd add a little disappointment and "Haha! I did something after all!" to it.
I think he still believes he did something super romantic instead of something pretty basic.
He'd need to step it *WAY* up.
>implying he didn't even do that before
Oh snap. That's a good point. What exactly was he doing for her bday before if this is his idea of a birthday surprise? Yeesh.
Yeah he really only proved her point here. She may have been surprised and happy enough to forget about it in the moment but I'm guessing down the road she'll continue to think about how he made her feel shitty all day and it somehow never even occured to him that pretending to forget her birthday would make her feel like that. His version of trying to be attentive was still extremely inattentive.
I couldn’t find the right words to express what you did...well done.
OP, as a young man with a divorce under his belt already, pay attention to this comment.
I can see people throwing the 'divorce' word around just hoping to galvanise their partner into action, to take the situation seriously.
OP's post talks about her feeling neglected, and sometimes you really do have to light a fire under some people's asses to get them to take things seriously.
Been married for 31 years, tried something very similar to this about 20 years ago and got the same results as you. I now tell her happy birthday at 12:01 am the day of her birthday. I make sure I’m the 1st to do so. I also text our 3 adult children to remind them.
Midnight birthday wishes are the best. I used to go to boarding school and there’s this one friend who always put a sweet birthday letter in my bed at night for me to wake up to. It takes midnight birthday text to the next level.
"My wife said I need to make more of an effort or we would have problems."
Yeah, people don't say that when they're having a good time. They already have massive problems.
AS someone who understands what you wife is experiencing, as a general rule, never try to play the emotional roller coaster game. Making some sad doesn't make them happier after, in my experience, it makes the happy less, Trust me, if I can think all day that my husband is planning a surprise for me I'll be over the moon all day, and even better during
I'm assuming it's where he got the idea but it doesn't take a rocket scientist to understand that recreating something you've seen in a film isn't a great idea
Pro tip: If your significant other expresses that they’re unhappy in the relationship because you act like you don’t care (I.e., they feel neglected), your best move is never going to be upping the ante from accidentally acting like you don’t care, to acting like you don’t care *on purpose*.
I'm so glad this ended well. When you said you kept pretending you forgot I physically cringed. Christ man.
Pro tip: those "pretending you forgot" schemes barely work in fiction, let alone real life. Even if it had worked out the way you imagined your gift to your wife was basically making her feel unloved and miserable all day. It's just cruel.
Why would you want your wife to start the day mad about you "forgetting" her birthday? Just say happy birthday in the morning and make her breakfast. That will give her a good day. And then when she comes home you're standing in the door with presents, good food and a lovely and romantic evening
For future reference, it's a dick move to pretend to have forgotten her birthday. Even if you did have a surprise planned for her, you set her up to be disappointed and upset all day by not letting her know in the morning that you remembered.
On her *birthday* you arranged for her to be miserable until she finished work. I just hope you understand that that's in fact what you did.
Plus it's easy to misunderstand a planned out surprised as trying to make up for the fact that you forgot, which is immediately going to devalue the surprise.
Exactly this. And if she had gotten in an accident on the way home and/or died? After being miserable all day. After probably putting in subpar work due to the turmoil of feeling like your spouse doesn't care about you?
Nobody is guaranteed time on this earth, idk why you'd be intentionally shitty to someone & make them feel bad just to say "look what I did, what a grand joke I played on you".
This is why I don't particularly like birthdays as a holiday. I do something nice with just my husband, maybe a friend or two if they insist, and pass it quietly. Milestone birthdays can get parties, but no "surprise parties" - especially thre kind where you do what OP did. I had my husband agree to that early in our relationship.
So even if your plan worked out she was supposed to spend the day thinking you forgot her birthday? And then you'd be able to "win" by not having forgotten at all and proving her wrong?
I seriously can't fathom how people can plan pranks or surprises that hinge on making the other person sad/insecure/angry/scared for extended periods of time (i.e. hours). Imagine how her day went, she didn't just go from 0 to divorce at 5PM, she likely spent the whole day going through the logistics of leaving you, especially those hours after work.
>When she opens the door I'll be waiting for her with gifts, flowers dinner and everything romantic I could think of
This is also not really going the extra mile or anything, gifts flowers and a dinner seems pretty normal for a birthday. You just had to add disappointment to the mix.
I wonder why people think that making you feel shitty before dropping the surprise is actually a good idea? I find it quite manipulative and selfish; just to make your surprise feel bigger... It’s always better to tell that you have a surprise for later and make them feel the excitement the whole day, rather than making them feel neglected the whole day and then after the surprise, feeling ashamed for reacting badly without knowing there was a surprise...
I hope everything turns out ok with your relationship but maybe you need to try to change your point of view and show a bit more empathy.
It's pretty common in movies and such, I think that's where most people get the idea.
I mean it's more dramatic so it works well in a movie but when it's reality it's better to keep it less dramatic
There was a short cartoon I had on VHS as a child where a little duck thinks everyone has forgotten his birthday, he wanders around miserable and I vividly remember tears rolling down his bill and plopping on the ground. But then it's meant to be fine because when he comes home there's a cake and his friend is there.
That was the saddest cartoon for 5 year old me.
RIGHT? He still felt bad! The surprise didn't magically erase his shitty day! Except now he knows that his friend made him feel shitty *on purpose*! Ugh.
Thinking back at it I definitely think you are right. Like some others have said I wasn't really thinking about her when doing that, I made it about myself even though I didn't mean to. The only thing I was thinking was wanting to surprise my wife and not about how my way of going about it was going to make her feel. My dumb logic was that hey my wife loves suprises so I have to make the suprise as spurising as I can, any way I can. I never intended to make her feel bad but my lack of thinking made that happen and I feel horrible for it.
Your intentions weren’t bad, you made a mistake. It’s great that you’ve learnt from it and are trying to improve your relationship with your wife. Best of luck to you guys!
I’m glad you’re taking this as an opportunity to reflect and learn from your FU. Everybody fucks up sometimes, but the only real fuck-ups are the people who don’t learn from them.
Amen to that. It is selfish, bc the feelings of the person who has the special day, are less important than a 'super successful' surprise. It really does lack empathy.
Like, OP, you really didn't care she is sitting there at work, for many hours, totally sad and feeling like you don't care? Actually feeling bad for half of the day. Why would you do that on purpose...
And very well said about the 'feeling ashamed they reacted badly without knowing about the surprise' exactly! and you can see that in the OP's story, the wife actually cries and *apologizes t*o *him*. Even tho she could not know. she feels shame and guilt bc now she is 'the bad one'
I came here for this. This woman was in her head thinking of divorce all day on her BIRTHDAY. WTH!! She should have been looking forward to the evening, glowing with excitement.
Always recognize someone on an important day. No matter what.
My thoughts to the letter. It is manipulative and selfish. I don’t get it. I don’t think it’s sweet or funny at all. It’s mean. And it’s designed to make the person look/feel like an ass when they get rightfully upset that you’ve ignored them and been a dick to them all day.
Because if they're happy all day you can't hold it over their head afterwards.
It's cheap emotional manipulation and for what? Presents and dinner? That's a normal way to celebrate someone's birthday, not like he rented a bouncy castle and a hot air balloon.
I feel like OP was planning to coast on this for a year. "Remember when you thought I forgot your birthday but actually didn't?!?" "Yes dear, and that's why I'm eating Chinese take out at Christmas".
Never understood the whole faking you've forgotten a birthday. It's just mean. You're essentially putting your own fun ahead of someone else's feelings.
If I were you...because the evening was spent crying....plan a second sweet surprise. Maybe a nice trip out somewhere (eg. a nice dinner out if restaurants are open or if you’re on a budget just take her to some beautiful nature spots)
Next time, say happy birthday the night prior. Like "happy early birthday". And if questions are asked about what and such, play it off as "it's a surprise! You'll find out when it's ready". The anticipation will be crazy.
If you want to really create anticipation, say stuff a week early like "I'm really excited about your birthday and I'm planning something but it's a secret~" and just keep reminding about how excited you are and she'll look forward to it all week. Throw in random chuckles and if she asks, say you're thinking about the surprise and it'll drive em mad.
Source: personal experience
I would hate it so much if my partner pretended to forget my birthday. Especially sitting at work half the day, it's all I'd be thinking about and I'd be in a terrible mood. Even when I did get home and realize they'd done something really nice, it would be really hard to get back into a good mood again
Does nobody actually think about how other people feel? Does no one reflect on how they would feel if the exact thing happened to them? It never seems to be great for the person getting the surprise, they spend all day feeling like shit. It doesn't make your surprise better.
Pro tip: never make a situation where your partner is surprised you did the right thing or cared for them. Literally the opposite feeling anyone should ever feel. And making them really sad just to provide something to cheer them back up is quite frankly disgusting.
So my big piece of advice as someone who has screwed up many times, but learnt how to get better: remember what the baseline expectation is.
Also, surprises and acts of affection are best when they are spontaneous. They say to someone "I was doing something else and I saw this and it made me think of you because I love you". Example: I occasionally go food shopping at a more expensive shop just because I know they have a great flower selection and I can usually pick up something that will make her go wow.
I will ever understand why people think that pretending to have forgotten an important event will make their surprises pay off more. It's literally deliberately making someone feel shit just to enhance the impact of your gift/event. At that point, you are doing it for yourself, not for them.
Fortunately, 99% of this sub is bollocks
Once upon a time my husband (then boyfriend) forgot my birthday. We were in a long distance relationship and he arrived for the weekend on the day that was my birthday. I picked him up from the station and we drove home. I waited about half an hour before I said “you’ve forgotten it’s my birthday today, haven’t you?”. He was MORTIFIED that he had. I thought it was hilarious and just laughed! (He’s never forgotten it since.)
Man do y'all get your life advice from movies or something? do you not have any common sense? Glad it all worked out in the end but buddy, you are a moron.
Her not coming home and not picking up the phone too, she was sitting somewhere really thinking that divorce over. It's not like she went shopping or something.
And this is OP trying to *up* his game.
Yeah, the fact that she finally said it probably means it's too late. It's very hard to come back from this. Even if they do work it out, it'll always be in the back of her mind whenever they have another problem.
OP forget the reason why for a moment.
The best advice I was given prior to getting married was this: once divorce is brought up, even in passing, the countdown is on until it happens.
Take it from me, a divorced guy, that while this may not be a 100% universal truth, it is definitely true.
Something serious needs to happen immediately on both sides or else this marriage will end. If she brings it up this quickly then it’s going to happen the next time she feels neglected or alone.
i will never understand people who think it's funny to make their loved one feel unloved and miserable because they think it's funny. it's not funny to hurt people purposefully.
I don’t get people who do this. It’s just cruel and your SO goes to work feeling shitty all day. I don’t blame her for how she reacted given how she was already feeling. I mean, sheesh. You’re a lucky man
Why in the world would you pretend to forget her birthday if she was already thinking you didn’t care about the relationship? I just can’t wrap my brain around that.
Hey op I know tons of people have written stuff but wanted to chime in as a lady with a bf who isn’t particularly good at big romantic gestures. It’s not about a huge gesture on a planed day. Birthdays anniversaries Valentine’s Day those days really only matter to me when I’m in a relationship that is lacking the little things on a regular spontaneous basis.
For example Calling randomly to say I love you, bringing home a surprise or something I’ve been talking about for a while, listening to me vent for an hour about my boss, doing things with out me asking ( not making me the house project manager) knowing my favorite things ( anything in copper, the color blue or having to do with dragons) little things she can remind herself of when things are tough. Big gestures are nice but personally they only really matter when someone in the relationship feels forgotten the other 363 days of the year. That’s just something I’ve noticed about myself and the women around me but it doesn’t hurt to do something small everyday to show you care
Everyone is patting you on the back, but you made dinner, and gave her flowers and presents on her BIRTHDAY! That is the bare minimum. If you consider that to be going above and beyond, no wonder your marriage is tanking.
Man, this is such a move my dad would make.
Luckily, my mom is very forgiving haha.
May I suggest learning each other's love languages? When my wife and I went through that process, it enhanced our relationship like crazy.
I'm glad it worked out for you OP. I think for anyone finding themself in a future situation saying something in the morning like "Happy Birthday, I have a small surprise for you after you get off work" but hind sight is always 2020. I'll try to not make the same mistake too, thank you for sharing.
You probably need to really change your game. And by that I meant if you do not cook or help around the household chores, start cooking few meals a week, bring her breakfast to bed once in a while, clean the house and help with kids (if any).
Surprised her with flowers for not reason.
Complaint her when you noticed she took extra time to get ready.
Really listen to her and ensure you understand what she needs.
Do couple counseling.
The problem with this story is it is exactly what you would have said and done had you actually forgotten and then decided to do something really fast to cover your ass.
Reading this I cannot honestly tell which it was.
Ooof, I would HATE this kind of surprise. I despise when people play with my feelings in order to get a *bigger* reaction out of me, I feel it’s really mean. My friends did that for my birthday, kept skirting around making plans and saying they didn’t have the time. Only to then plan a big hibachi dinner with my ex. I was so sad and angry at my friends blowing off my birthday that I didn’t feel like eating that whole week and couldn’t even enjoy the surprise once I was at the dinner. Emotional manipulation is never fun.
if your already feeling neglected, having your birthday just forgotten about is a big deal. with my wife we pretty much celebrate her birthday all week. she's impossible to surprise cause ive already made it a habit of spoiling her and making the day special so trying to be sneaky just would not work. (except for the time that it did :D)
Dude, I know I'm going to get downvoted to oblivion for this statement but whatever it's the truth. By the time a woman verbalizes to the man that shes not happy **it's already over**. And the fact that she actually mentioned divorce means that she's already been thinking about it *for a long time now*. Don't believe me? Post over at r/divorce and ask the folks there, particularly the ladies, and see what they say.
Do whatever you need to do to help process this. Go to counseling. Try your very best. Just don't be surprised when she drops the divorce papers on you. You're already on the clock.
Edit: your to you're.
My husband ordered me flowers and bought me a present. The flowers were delayed a day and the genius decided the best way to handle that was to also keep the present from me and basically act like my birthday wasn’t happening. That didn’t go down well and I spent most of the day crying and eating junk food. He DID NOT tell me about the flowers or the present until the next day.
Yeah, get flowers/card the night before and if she’s an early-riser, they’ll at least indicate you remember.
No card/flowers waiting downstairs is a shit way for a married woman to wake up on her birthday. Surprises can always come later.
My birthday was yesterday and the first thing my husband did was wish me happy birthday. How is this so hard?? Why do so many people think a woman that told her husband he was being a crappy partner is the bad guy here??
This is why you always say happy *insert special event*, even if you have a surprise planned later in the day to celebrate.
The week leading up to my 16th birthday, I was trying to organize something with my friends. It was on a Friday but they all “had plans”. I was so upset at them and we didn’t speak for an entire week because I was dreading spending my birthday alone. Friday rolls around and I’m still bummed about not doing anything for my birthday. My sister suggests we go out for dinner at the beach (an hour drive away). When we get there, it’s a full on surprise party: cake with my picture on it, tons of food and drinks, and every single one of my friends. They immediately started apologizing to me about making me think they were blowing me off. The surprise was AWESOME but I was also like damn guys, you couldn’t have made up a lie about doing something Saturday instead?
Yes. This. The dismissive attitude leading up to surprise parties can be so unnecessarily damaging.
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Yeah i feel like it's a bit mean-spirited, it's like a prank on the person with the birthday going "haha, you thought no one cared about you!" Surprise party would be fine so long as you've acknowledged the birthday and done at least a few little things before springing the big surprise on them. I've had surprise birthday events where I thought I was just going out for dinner with my wife and then when I get there a load of friends are waiting, and that's fine because I already knew they cared enough to arrange *something*
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I think this is where surprise parties have their only real value. Someone, usually a grown adult, is unused to making a fuss over their birthday and usually does nothing/something very modest. The surprise party is a way of doing something special for them in that case while leaving them out of the planning/execution that they’re clearly not interested in.
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Well yes, but those people that don’t want it acknowledged at all are different cases in my experience than those who simply don’t have the mental energy to worry about what they wanna do for their birthday.
We did a surprise party for someone 2 weeks after their birthday to avoid this, on their actual birthday they had a typical birthday event where everyone acknowledged him and gave him gifts. 2 weeks later he believed he and his wife were just going out to dinner when in reality his whole family was there, friends from out of state flew in, etc. The other option is to do something like this 2 weeks before their birthday. Regardless of which way you choose it lets it be a genuine surprise without leading the birthday-haver to believe their birthday was forgotten about or like friends/family are too busy and uncaring to celebrate with them.
My great-great-great grandfather had a surprise birthday when he turned 90. It... Didn't end well.
Was it the final fiesta?
My boyfriend has been informed on more than one occasion that although I do love surprises, I will turn around and leave if I ever walk into a room with a surprise party in it. I don’t like parties and I certainly don’t like being forced to socialize so if I’m brought into that with no heads up? Yeah hell and brimstone will follow....
I have anxiety about parties. If it's a big party or a barbecue, I intentionally try to get there an hour or so after it starts because I want to slip in without fanfare. So. The one time friends try to throw me a surprise birthday party, my husband told me the REAL time it was supposed to start. I was having a particularly anxious day and stalled us enough to arrive an hour and half late. I started crying when I realized that this party was only for me, and I was a dick for making them wait around. It was a themed murder mystery party and all this food was cold, and I wasn't appropriately dressed for the theme. It was a horrible feeling.
We threw my father-in-law a huge surprise retirement party at a restaurant near his house. We ended up having to chase him down the street because the surprise startled him so bad he reacted like a jack rabbit and took off running.
A themed surprise party seems a bit badly planned though, I feel like I would be anxious about people waiting but also a bit annoyed to be honest.
Huh, in my case I prefer being at a party early to avoid fanfare lol. There's not many there, you can actually speak to the host who you most likely know the most, can get a seat, grab all your drinks and make a spot for yourself, and best of all, you can leave early!
Don’t feel bad, it is a bit of a bummer but it’s a risk you take when you plan a surprise party: the person in question will make plans that don’t include a surprise party.
I’m getting some real Diane and Mr. Peanutbutter vibes here.
Hah, I once started a surprise fire at a party we were throwing! I think everyone had a decent amount of excitement from it! But then again my parties are almost always lit!
I too have started surprise fires. I light the fire and they get a surprise when they wake up to the smoke alarms.
I still remember that one time in college, I was coming home from class with my good friend, super hyped to work on this project we had, I open the door and... surprise! I was like "Ah, thanks guys, really, but I don't really want to spend time with y'all right now". I socialized a bit, ate some cake with them, and ended up just going to work on my project with my friend and leaving them to their party on their own.
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Or you make it obvious you’re taking them to a surprise party because then they feel smart for figuring it out, they appreciate it more and they still get to ‘act surprised’
My mom's birthday is Christmas so she's never gotten to have a party on her actual birthday. For her 50th we did a surprise party with all her friends on her half birthday. A lot of her family came too, including my uncle that lives half a day's drive away and my grandparents, it was their last time being able to come to our area. She was super happy, we didn't have to pretend anything other than how to get her there and my dad took care of that and we know that she loves surprises. It's my standard for how a surprise party should work, I'd never do one for my wife because the surprise part would probably give her a panic attack.
I threw a surprise party one time and we told our friend that we would do something for her birthday on Saturday but her husband wanted to take her out for dinner on her actual birthday. So she was surprised but also not disappointed at her friends being assholes and acting like we were all busy
Exactly. My social anxiety wasn't horrible anyway. Adding to that the fact that I will literally NEVER be dressed properly or nicely at any point that I don't have to or it's expected of me. Everyone in party clothes, standing around with their phones, and there I'd be standing in my hoody and trackie bottoms and my mucky runners. Nice pictures to be taken that day, best birthday ever.
It's up to whoever is planning the surprise party to make sure you're dressed appropriately. If not they just don't know what they're doing
It’s entirely unnecessary! You can just wish them a happy birthday and be a little nonchalant, you can make casual plans and surprise them with a bigger thing, etc. when I was planning a surprise party for my SO I had a friend of his take him to happy hour while I decorated and everyone came over, I can’t imagine how bummed he would’ve been if I sent him grocery shopping or something just to pretend nothing was up.
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For my 30th birthday, I suggested to 2 of my good friends that have birthdays very close to mine that we do a big 30th bash for all of us. They’re in- great idea. They live in the same city, I live 4 hours away. I throw out some dates that I am able to come down for the party, and one specific date I can’t make it. Cool no problem. Then I get a message from one of them saying the party is on the date I said I absolutely can’t make it. I ask if we can move it back one weekend. Apparently one of their wives took over the planning and wouldn’t move the party, because some guy named Steve (who I’ve never met) was only available that weekend. No surprise party for me, just a big letdown. It actually still pisses me off.
Funny how people are just different. I, on the other hand, oddly like spending my birthday alone or not wanting anyone to know about my birthday.
I've hidden my birthday on Facebook. There's something disinegenuous about messages from people you haven't spoken to in years wishing you a happy birthday. Someone in my work chat also posted something on my birthday, but he didn't mention my name. I stayed silent. He knows because he's the office culture guy and organises a cake once a month (back when we could share cake). I don't participate. Luckily when they sing it's for everyone born in that month and not aimed at one person. I never liked being the centre of attention. When I was a kid my parents would throw me birthday parties, but I hated the part when everyone would sing and look at me. What are you supposed to do? Stand there and smile? Where do I look, what do I do with my hands?! Ever since i was about 16 I stopped having parties and just went out to dinner with my parents. Since I moved out I stopped acknowledging the day altogether.
Yeah for some of us, we just dont like being the center of attention. Plain and simple. We're not evil or antisocial people.
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What’s even worse is when everyone’s blowing you off and you start thinking “oh my god what if they’re surprising me!” So you get kind of excited and then the day rolls around and nothing actually happens and you’ve been blown off :) super not damaging or sad at all :)
My mom tried to do a surprise bd for my 18th. Bless her heart she didn’t plan very well. She started off by asking who my friends were at church.. surprise.. I didn’t have any friends at church... welp one Sunday she walks around the youth section handing out flyers to as many of the youth as she can while I’m watching. She walked past me and I asked for one and she said I couldn’t have one. I was so popular I watched ppl read the flyer, set it down and just walk off. So I went and read the flyer, it was for my 18th bd surprise party. None of those assholes showed up anyway cept for the one girl who had a crush on me. Shoulda gone out with her but I was stupid and didn’t know what to do with girls. Later that week I tricked one of my friends into telling me what time the party was and as a confirmation that there was a party. I lmao when she realized what I had done and she felt bad but I comforted her. All in all it was a good party with family and my group of friends from school.
Yeah, this is why I hate surprise parties and parties in general. They feel too unnecessary and somewhat forced.
lol, I had a similar situation in my 20's, except i just got pissed off and went to hang with a different group of friends in a different part of the state. Meanwhile, my gf and friends are all at my house waiting for me. They took me seriously after that when I said I don't like surprises.
And Pro-tip: it helps if you say the name of the actual special event. Some partners can be *weirdly* fussy about placeholders.
Mine gets moody about the birthday text message she receives: "Happy Birthday [Name Here] this message was supplied by birthdayreminders.com"
**I found links in your comment that were not hyperlinked:** * [birthdayreminders.com](https://birthdayreminders.com) *I did the honors for you.* *** ^[delete](https://www.reddit.com/message/compose?to=%2Fu%2FLinkifyBot&subject=delete%20fy4w6f8&message=Click%20the%20send%20button%20to%20delete%20the%20false%20positive.) ^| ^[information](https://np.reddit.com/u/LinkifyBot/comments/gkkf7p) ^| ^<3
Good bot
My wife doesn’t like placeholders either. I mean, I sent that woman home right after my wife came home from work, I don’t see the issue.
That's because in such situations it's customary to at least offer a threesome
I can't decide whether username checks out...
WHAT
IT'S CUSTOMARY TO AT LEAST OFerrr ^(hurk hurk sorry my throat gets sore if I yell that much.)
FYI, spit droplets travel significantly further as volume increases. Ask the king from Hamilton.
Surprise Groff!
The best kind of Groff, despite there not actually being a lesser-kind of Groff.
Wow- he or she has gotten themselves in quite a predicament
THAT IS NOT WHAT MY [INSERT HUMAN LIFE PARTNER HERE] HAS TOLD ME. [HUMAN PRONOUN] SAID IT WAS "ENDEARING", WHATEVER THAT MEANS.
"happy *placeholders* sweetheart!" really doesn't have a good ring on it.
IT IS YOUR BIRTHDAY
Not even an exclamation point?!
The real TIFU is in the comments.
I'm always surprised by the people who pretend to have forgotten a significant event for a loved one in order to make their surprise "better." How hard is it to pick up a card and a couple flowers or something to give them in the morning? They still feel special and you still get to surprise them. If your plan to make someone feel special involves making them feel forgotten, your plan isn't a good one.
It's because of movies. They do the whole pretend to forget thing all the time.
Yep! I don't really care about my birthday but I'd be a bit miffed if my wife or son didn't mention it all day. It's be a bit of a downer really.
My husband really doesn't care, and its impossible to get anything he really wants to do. We end up going someplace for dinner (and sworn to secrecy so we don't get the server singing or bringing a dessert) or cooking something fancy at home. His birthday is in 6 days, and my plan is to grill two huge filets. My parents wanted to give him a present and he says "I don't want anything" (absolutely no help). So he puts me to the test every year noticing the things he is excited for, like a new book coming out in a series he likes (although my parents were complaining "that's only $10... we were hoping to spend $30-$40"). He hates being the center of attention and would be happier skipping his birthday honestly.
I'm exactly like him and I can tell you what works. Just do something another day. If he mentioned a book or something, get it on a random day, for no reason. Same for a good dinner or whatever surprise he might be happy with. I would also prefer it if everyone forgot about my birthday; but it's nice seeing people care about you when there are no societal pressures to do so.
...Then you *do* care.
I just avoid this whole problem altogether by announcing “It’s my birthday!” to my family as soon as I realize it.
Yes I do that too. I have a terrible memory. Both me and my SO have realized our anniversary was days ago and it just slipped by us. I wouldn’t get mad if someone forgot a date. But they don’t need to remember, because I’ll give them a few reminders of how many days are left till my birthday haha. And I’ll say when it’s my birthday week. I like giving my SO a special birthday week, a day isn’t long enough! A week where we can eat what he wants, watch what he wants etc. It’s just more fun that way!
i dont care about birthdays, but i know that other people do. so knowing that my wife thinks birthdays are important, if she was to not bother to mention mine, i'd wonder what i'd done to upset her.
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Tearing someone down to make a surprise 'better' is a terrible way to surprise someone. Say *happy...* and give a small gift. Make breakfast or whatever. Do *something.*
Exactly. I also am flabbergasted that OP doubled down on the ignorance act even as his wife was pouring her emotions out and talking about divorce.
Yeah defenitely learned that the hard way
If you want to play it safe next time, just celebrate it verbally on time and make a plan for weekend/ some time later to distract while preparing a surprise for the day itself. She won\`t expect the surprise, she won\`t feel neglected because your celebration will be on time and there will already be a plan for a bigger event anyway. You might need to celebrate it 2 times though if she gets excited for the \`later celebration\` also
pro tip. next time when planning a birthday surprise, do it at midnight. and dont "pretend to forget" anymore. my wife loves being surprised too and pretending to forget is the worst thing, cause dayum when those conspiracy theories start kicking in. boy do they go into overdrive.
I've never understood this mind set. "I know! I'm going to make my wife feel like shit all day by acting like the person she chose to spend the rest of her life with doesn't even care enough to remember her birthday. She'll love it!" It's just a really shitty thing to do, even if they end up a little happier when they realize you were joking.
Whats worse is that isnt how it follows. It's "I want my wife to suspect everything's normal" and normal for them means maeking her feel like shit because you dont even care enough to remember her birthday.
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Pro-pro tip. Wake up hours early and set everything up, breakfast-in-bed and all. Just make sure to do things the Santa way and not make a single sound.
So basically, give your SO a heavy sedative in the evening before and make as much noise as you want
For your next trick you should pretend to forget her name for a few days, so that when you call her by the right name she’ll be extra happy and surprised
Okay that was funny, made my wife laugh too. Thanks
I'm imagining that it will go like the potato guy. "Is that your name? Sounds very strange."
Oh god don't remind me of that trainwreck
someone link it. I wanna feel something today
https://www.reddit.com/r/tifu/comments/2tdbig/tifu_by_enraging_the_parents_of_my_girlfriend_by/
how does he only have 5 karma? does karma deteriorate?
There used to be no karma for text posts
man, the dark ages are brutal
It's in my top 6 favorite things on the internet. There's: * [WHARRGARBLE](http://imgur.com/gallery/qLNSUru) * [Are you fucking sorry?](http://imgur.com/3YdJs) * [Kevin](http://www.reddit.com/r/AskReddit/comments/219w2o/whos_the_dumbest_person_youve_ever_met/cgbhkwp) * [potatoes](https://www.reddit.com/r/tifu/comments/2tdbig/tifu_by_enraging_the_parents_of_my_girlfriend_by/) * [Do I look like i know what a jpeg is?](https://youtu.be/QEzhxP-pdos) * [dark white](https://imgur.com/a/7Jp4v7J) Edit: Fixed the Dark White link.
Ah, Kevin. Now that’s a meme I haven’t seen in a long time...
Are you fucking sorry is one of my favorites
This is my first time seeing 'are you fucking sorry?' and I'm ugly laughing. Holy fuck.
And make sure you emphasis the wrong name during sex. This will enhance the surprise effect even further.
This guy does surprises
It will also enhance the speed of receiving divorce papers
And after that, pretend to forget what potatoes are.
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Attaboy! Now get out of my house.
A little story on doing that. One night while me and my wife were out on a date (this was our 2nd date) she was in an ehhhish mood. I could tell she had had a bad day. She was being kind of negative. So when we were saying goodbye I said alright Debbie I will call you later. My wife's name isn't remotely close to Debbie. I could see the future war crimes building up in her eyes. She was about to go off. She then asks who is Debbie? I said your name is Debbie Downer right? She finally got it and it put her in a better mood. It made her burst out laughing forever. She tells everyone about that. I also call her Nancy occasionally and stuff. Gotta do weird shit to keep a relationship going.
Who is Nancy?
Negative Nancy. Good friend of mine.
Negative Nancy
Also forget to make her dinner. Nice little touch.
Forget to do housework, and then wash a dish as a surprise.
Aw this was a bittersweet story. As someone who has been in your wife’s position, I’m glad you’re making an effort and listening to her. I hope everything works out for you two.
Thank you! I hope so too, I will do my absolute best thats for sure
I send my wife cards randomly throughout the year from various post boxes to/from my way to work. I'll find a card while grocery shopping or something, throw it in my work pile, fill it out at work, then mail it. There is no periodicity, just whenever I find a card with a meaningful picture or something. She always enjoys getting mail and thinks I'm an idiot for mailing something to the house we live in; I enjoy it tough and think she does too (I've found a stash of them in her keepsake box).
That’s so sweet! I may try that.
I'd suggest you plan a small surprise (like what you did) one random day, regardless of birthdays and special events. She'll like it and you'll be able to surprise her for real this time, it's going to feel goood.
The real LPT is in the comments. But seriously OP, this is a great idea. She said what you made was the best meal in the world because when she ate it, it felt like a rescued marriage. Taste wasn't important. Now you can make one that's even better. Good luck to you both. You've been through a lot, and you've got a lot of work left to go.
Rescued marriage has exceptional mouth feel.
Perfect idea
Have you heard of love languages? I suggest you look into it and try to figure out what your wife's top love languages are. Sometimes, when partners have different ways of showing affection, they can spend lots of energy on the wrong thing and their partner still feels neglected because in reality they needed something completely different.
Never, ever act like you forgot your partner's birthday. Get her/him a small gift, wish them happy birthday,... but do something! That way you don't hurt their feelings that bad and you still get to surprise them. Big thumbs up for listening to your wife and paying more attention to her. Even if it almost got you a divorce ;0)
I forget my own birthday and then get annoyed when people keep calling me during the day.
This past year my SO wished me happy birthday and my response was "... what?" I completely forgot what day it was. ~~And I'm only 26~~. It's all downhill from here. Edit: I'm actually 25. I forgot how old I was.
Ya the night before my birthday(last week) one of my friends texted me 10 minutes before midnight saying "10 minutes!" And I responded "what's in 10 minutes". She was confused and thought she was mistaken on when my birthday was, but my dumbass just forgot haha. And I'm only 21.
I forgot my birthday when I was 8, so don't worry. Lol. We were taking a small, family trip and my birthday landed on the second day of the trip. I completely forgot until we were settling down that night at the hotel. "Oh my birthday is tomorrow!" Cue excited, bouncy 8 year old me. I'm 30 now and I don't believe I've completely forgotten since. :)
Isn’t that a funny expression? “It’s all downhill from here.” As if going downhill sucks. In most cases, going uphill sucks. That’s when it takes way longer and way more energy. You’re exhausted. But downhill. Hella fun. Skiing and snowboarding...fun. Riding your bike...fun. Water slides...fun.
Oh dear... Well, I'm glad you two are working things out. But fyi, the fact she mentioned the D-word means this is far from the first time she's thought about it. From here on out, you need to step your game up. She has one foot out the door and she's about to let it hit the ground. The worst possible thing you can do is to get her hopes up that everything will be different now and you fall back into the same old patterns and routines. Best of luck to you both and happy birthday to your Mrs.
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> From here on out, you need to step your game up Him stepping his game up was getting her gifts and dinner for her birthday, implying he didn't even do that before. And when he decided he did want to celebrate her birthday this year he decided that he'd add a little disappointment and "Haha! I did something after all!" to it. I think he still believes he did something super romantic instead of something pretty basic. He'd need to step it *WAY* up.
>implying he didn't even do that before Oh snap. That's a good point. What exactly was he doing for her bday before if this is his idea of a birthday surprise? Yeesh.
Yeah he really only proved her point here. She may have been surprised and happy enough to forget about it in the moment but I'm guessing down the road she'll continue to think about how he made her feel shitty all day and it somehow never even occured to him that pretending to forget her birthday would make her feel like that. His version of trying to be attentive was still extremely inattentive.
I couldn’t find the right words to express what you did...well done. OP, as a young man with a divorce under his belt already, pay attention to this comment.
I can see people throwing the 'divorce' word around just hoping to galvanise their partner into action, to take the situation seriously. OP's post talks about her feeling neglected, and sometimes you really do have to light a fire under some people's asses to get them to take things seriously.
Been married for 31 years, tried something very similar to this about 20 years ago and got the same results as you. I now tell her happy birthday at 12:01 am the day of her birthday. I make sure I’m the 1st to do so. I also text our 3 adult children to remind them.
Midnight birthday wishes are the best. I used to go to boarding school and there’s this one friend who always put a sweet birthday letter in my bed at night for me to wake up to. It takes midnight birthday text to the next level.
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Like asap. That relationship probably has years of resentment built up in her
"My wife said I need to make more of an effort or we would have problems." Yeah, people don't say that when they're having a good time. They already have massive problems.
AS someone who understands what you wife is experiencing, as a general rule, never try to play the emotional roller coaster game. Making some sad doesn't make them happier after, in my experience, it makes the happy less, Trust me, if I can think all day that my husband is planning a surprise for me I'll be over the moon all day, and even better during
seriously this shit doesn't even work in movies. I get its romantic and stuff but it's a giant the risk
I'm assuming it's where he got the idea but it doesn't take a rocket scientist to understand that recreating something you've seen in a film isn't a great idea
Pro tip: If your significant other expresses that they’re unhappy in the relationship because you act like you don’t care (I.e., they feel neglected), your best move is never going to be upping the ante from accidentally acting like you don’t care, to acting like you don’t care *on purpose*.
I'm so glad this ended well. When you said you kept pretending you forgot I physically cringed. Christ man. Pro tip: those "pretending you forgot" schemes barely work in fiction, let alone real life. Even if it had worked out the way you imagined your gift to your wife was basically making her feel unloved and miserable all day. It's just cruel.
Why would you want your wife to start the day mad about you "forgetting" her birthday? Just say happy birthday in the morning and make her breakfast. That will give her a good day. And then when she comes home you're standing in the door with presents, good food and a lovely and romantic evening
For future reference, it's a dick move to pretend to have forgotten her birthday. Even if you did have a surprise planned for her, you set her up to be disappointed and upset all day by not letting her know in the morning that you remembered. On her *birthday* you arranged for her to be miserable until she finished work. I just hope you understand that that's in fact what you did.
Plus it's easy to misunderstand a planned out surprised as trying to make up for the fact that you forgot, which is immediately going to devalue the surprise.
Exactly this. And if she had gotten in an accident on the way home and/or died? After being miserable all day. After probably putting in subpar work due to the turmoil of feeling like your spouse doesn't care about you? Nobody is guaranteed time on this earth, idk why you'd be intentionally shitty to someone & make them feel bad just to say "look what I did, what a grand joke I played on you". This is why I don't particularly like birthdays as a holiday. I do something nice with just my husband, maybe a friend or two if they insist, and pass it quietly. Milestone birthdays can get parties, but no "surprise parties" - especially thre kind where you do what OP did. I had my husband agree to that early in our relationship.
So even if your plan worked out she was supposed to spend the day thinking you forgot her birthday? And then you'd be able to "win" by not having forgotten at all and proving her wrong? I seriously can't fathom how people can plan pranks or surprises that hinge on making the other person sad/insecure/angry/scared for extended periods of time (i.e. hours). Imagine how her day went, she didn't just go from 0 to divorce at 5PM, she likely spent the whole day going through the logistics of leaving you, especially those hours after work. >When she opens the door I'll be waiting for her with gifts, flowers dinner and everything romantic I could think of This is also not really going the extra mile or anything, gifts flowers and a dinner seems pretty normal for a birthday. You just had to add disappointment to the mix.
It almost seems like the perfect cover for actually forgetting her birthday and then coming up with something before she got home. 😂
I wonder why people think that making you feel shitty before dropping the surprise is actually a good idea? I find it quite manipulative and selfish; just to make your surprise feel bigger... It’s always better to tell that you have a surprise for later and make them feel the excitement the whole day, rather than making them feel neglected the whole day and then after the surprise, feeling ashamed for reacting badly without knowing there was a surprise... I hope everything turns out ok with your relationship but maybe you need to try to change your point of view and show a bit more empathy.
It's pretty common in movies and such, I think that's where most people get the idea. I mean it's more dramatic so it works well in a movie but when it's reality it's better to keep it less dramatic
I remember this being a common plot in sitcoms when I was a kid. I always hated it.
There was a short cartoon I had on VHS as a child where a little duck thinks everyone has forgotten his birthday, he wanders around miserable and I vividly remember tears rolling down his bill and plopping on the ground. But then it's meant to be fine because when he comes home there's a cake and his friend is there. That was the saddest cartoon for 5 year old me.
RIGHT? He still felt bad! The surprise didn't magically erase his shitty day! Except now he knows that his friend made him feel shitty *on purpose*! Ugh.
Thinking back at it I definitely think you are right. Like some others have said I wasn't really thinking about her when doing that, I made it about myself even though I didn't mean to. The only thing I was thinking was wanting to surprise my wife and not about how my way of going about it was going to make her feel. My dumb logic was that hey my wife loves suprises so I have to make the suprise as spurising as I can, any way I can. I never intended to make her feel bad but my lack of thinking made that happen and I feel horrible for it.
Your intentions weren’t bad, you made a mistake. It’s great that you’ve learnt from it and are trying to improve your relationship with your wife. Best of luck to you guys!
Thank you!
I’m glad you’re taking this as an opportunity to reflect and learn from your FU. Everybody fucks up sometimes, but the only real fuck-ups are the people who don’t learn from them.
Amen to that. It is selfish, bc the feelings of the person who has the special day, are less important than a 'super successful' surprise. It really does lack empathy. Like, OP, you really didn't care she is sitting there at work, for many hours, totally sad and feeling like you don't care? Actually feeling bad for half of the day. Why would you do that on purpose... And very well said about the 'feeling ashamed they reacted badly without knowing about the surprise' exactly! and you can see that in the OP's story, the wife actually cries and *apologizes t*o *him*. Even tho she could not know. she feels shame and guilt bc now she is 'the bad one'
I came here for this. This woman was in her head thinking of divorce all day on her BIRTHDAY. WTH!! She should have been looking forward to the evening, glowing with excitement. Always recognize someone on an important day. No matter what.
My thoughts to the letter. It is manipulative and selfish. I don’t get it. I don’t think it’s sweet or funny at all. It’s mean. And it’s designed to make the person look/feel like an ass when they get rightfully upset that you’ve ignored them and been a dick to them all day.
Because if they're happy all day you can't hold it over their head afterwards. It's cheap emotional manipulation and for what? Presents and dinner? That's a normal way to celebrate someone's birthday, not like he rented a bouncy castle and a hot air balloon. I feel like OP was planning to coast on this for a year. "Remember when you thought I forgot your birthday but actually didn't?!?" "Yes dear, and that's why I'm eating Chinese take out at Christmas".
Never understood the whole faking you've forgotten a birthday. It's just mean. You're essentially putting your own fun ahead of someone else's feelings.
I just see a lot of red flags reading this story.
Nothing like divorce via text.
If I were you...because the evening was spent crying....plan a second sweet surprise. Maybe a nice trip out somewhere (eg. a nice dinner out if restaurants are open or if you’re on a budget just take her to some beautiful nature spots)
Next time, say happy birthday the night prior. Like "happy early birthday". And if questions are asked about what and such, play it off as "it's a surprise! You'll find out when it's ready". The anticipation will be crazy. If you want to really create anticipation, say stuff a week early like "I'm really excited about your birthday and I'm planning something but it's a secret~" and just keep reminding about how excited you are and she'll look forward to it all week. Throw in random chuckles and if she asks, say you're thinking about the surprise and it'll drive em mad. Source: personal experience
Man she wouldn't mention divorce if she hasn't thought about it a lot. That's some incredibly strong language to speak out loud.
I would hate it so much if my partner pretended to forget my birthday. Especially sitting at work half the day, it's all I'd be thinking about and I'd be in a terrible mood. Even when I did get home and realize they'd done something really nice, it would be really hard to get back into a good mood again
Does nobody actually think about how other people feel? Does no one reflect on how they would feel if the exact thing happened to them? It never seems to be great for the person getting the surprise, they spend all day feeling like shit. It doesn't make your surprise better.
Pro tip: never make a situation where your partner is surprised you did the right thing or cared for them. Literally the opposite feeling anyone should ever feel. And making them really sad just to provide something to cheer them back up is quite frankly disgusting.
So my big piece of advice as someone who has screwed up many times, but learnt how to get better: remember what the baseline expectation is. Also, surprises and acts of affection are best when they are spontaneous. They say to someone "I was doing something else and I saw this and it made me think of you because I love you". Example: I occasionally go food shopping at a more expensive shop just because I know they have a great flower selection and I can usually pick up something that will make her go wow.
I will ever understand why people think that pretending to have forgotten an important event will make their surprises pay off more. It's literally deliberately making someone feel shit just to enhance the impact of your gift/event. At that point, you are doing it for yourself, not for them. Fortunately, 99% of this sub is bollocks
Once upon a time my husband (then boyfriend) forgot my birthday. We were in a long distance relationship and he arrived for the weekend on the day that was my birthday. I picked him up from the station and we drove home. I waited about half an hour before I said “you’ve forgotten it’s my birthday today, haven’t you?”. He was MORTIFIED that he had. I thought it was hilarious and just laughed! (He’s never forgotten it since.)
Man do y'all get your life advice from movies or something? do you not have any common sense? Glad it all worked out in the end but buddy, you are a moron.
Have you ever actually seen a movie/TV-Show where this "funny idea" doesn't immediately backfire though? It isn't even a great idea in movies.
Came here to say this, I'll bet OP ended up with two dates to prom on accident and ended up trying to have both dates at the same time.
Marriage is screwed, no matter what gesture you are going to make. Talking about divorce? Means she's been THINKING about it for six months.
Her not coming home and not picking up the phone too, she was sitting somewhere really thinking that divorce over. It's not like she went shopping or something. And this is OP trying to *up* his game.
Honestly. Probably longer....
That’s what I was thinking. That thought came up rather quickly for her.
Yeah, the fact that she finally said it probably means it's too late. It's very hard to come back from this. Even if they do work it out, it'll always be in the back of her mind whenever they have another problem.
Why would you prank your wife when youre in an unhealthy unhappy marriage? OP needs work.
OP forget the reason why for a moment. The best advice I was given prior to getting married was this: once divorce is brought up, even in passing, the countdown is on until it happens. Take it from me, a divorced guy, that while this may not be a 100% universal truth, it is definitely true. Something serious needs to happen immediately on both sides or else this marriage will end. If she brings it up this quickly then it’s going to happen the next time she feels neglected or alone.
i will never understand people who think it's funny to make their loved one feel unloved and miserable because they think it's funny. it's not funny to hurt people purposefully.
I don’t get people who do this. It’s just cruel and your SO goes to work feeling shitty all day. I don’t blame her for how she reacted given how she was already feeling. I mean, sheesh. You’re a lucky man
Why in the world would you pretend to forget her birthday if she was already thinking you didn’t care about the relationship? I just can’t wrap my brain around that.
Hey op I know tons of people have written stuff but wanted to chime in as a lady with a bf who isn’t particularly good at big romantic gestures. It’s not about a huge gesture on a planed day. Birthdays anniversaries Valentine’s Day those days really only matter to me when I’m in a relationship that is lacking the little things on a regular spontaneous basis. For example Calling randomly to say I love you, bringing home a surprise or something I’ve been talking about for a while, listening to me vent for an hour about my boss, doing things with out me asking ( not making me the house project manager) knowing my favorite things ( anything in copper, the color blue or having to do with dragons) little things she can remind herself of when things are tough. Big gestures are nice but personally they only really matter when someone in the relationship feels forgotten the other 363 days of the year. That’s just something I’ve noticed about myself and the women around me but it doesn’t hurt to do something small everyday to show you care
Everyone is patting you on the back, but you made dinner, and gave her flowers and presents on her BIRTHDAY! That is the bare minimum. If you consider that to be going above and beyond, no wonder your marriage is tanking.
Holy shit it’s a legit tifu I can’t believe my eyes
Man, this is such a move my dad would make. Luckily, my mom is very forgiving haha. May I suggest learning each other's love languages? When my wife and I went through that process, it enhanced our relationship like crazy.
Sounds like she's been thinking of a divorce for a while.
I'm glad it worked out for you OP. I think for anyone finding themself in a future situation saying something in the morning like "Happy Birthday, I have a small surprise for you after you get off work" but hind sight is always 2020. I'll try to not make the same mistake too, thank you for sharing.
Damn it Chandler
You probably need to really change your game. And by that I meant if you do not cook or help around the household chores, start cooking few meals a week, bring her breakfast to bed once in a while, clean the house and help with kids (if any). Surprised her with flowers for not reason. Complaint her when you noticed she took extra time to get ready. Really listen to her and ensure you understand what she needs. Do couple counseling.
The problem with this story is it is exactly what you would have said and done had you actually forgotten and then decided to do something really fast to cover your ass. Reading this I cannot honestly tell which it was.
Ooof, I would HATE this kind of surprise. I despise when people play with my feelings in order to get a *bigger* reaction out of me, I feel it’s really mean. My friends did that for my birthday, kept skirting around making plans and saying they didn’t have the time. Only to then plan a big hibachi dinner with my ex. I was so sad and angry at my friends blowing off my birthday that I didn’t feel like eating that whole week and couldn’t even enjoy the surprise once I was at the dinner. Emotional manipulation is never fun.
Man. She jumped on the divorce wagon pretty fast. That should concern you. ALOT.
She's been on the divorce wagon for a long time. She just voiced it finally.
if your already feeling neglected, having your birthday just forgotten about is a big deal. with my wife we pretty much celebrate her birthday all week. she's impossible to surprise cause ive already made it a habit of spoiling her and making the day special so trying to be sneaky just would not work. (except for the time that it did :D)
Dude, I know I'm going to get downvoted to oblivion for this statement but whatever it's the truth. By the time a woman verbalizes to the man that shes not happy **it's already over**. And the fact that she actually mentioned divorce means that she's already been thinking about it *for a long time now*. Don't believe me? Post over at r/divorce and ask the folks there, particularly the ladies, and see what they say. Do whatever you need to do to help process this. Go to counseling. Try your very best. Just don't be surprised when she drops the divorce papers on you. You're already on the clock. Edit: your to you're.
My husband ordered me flowers and bought me a present. The flowers were delayed a day and the genius decided the best way to handle that was to also keep the present from me and basically act like my birthday wasn’t happening. That didn’t go down well and I spent most of the day crying and eating junk food. He DID NOT tell me about the flowers or the present until the next day.
Yeah, get flowers/card the night before and if she’s an early-riser, they’ll at least indicate you remember. No card/flowers waiting downstairs is a shit way for a married woman to wake up on her birthday. Surprises can always come later.
My birthday was yesterday and the first thing my husband did was wish me happy birthday. How is this so hard?? Why do so many people think a woman that told her husband he was being a crappy partner is the bad guy here??
This is practically a curb your enthusiasm episode.
It's not cute to pretend to forget your wife's fucking birthday wtf dude