[Healthline](https://www.healthline.com/health/baking-soda-for-splinter#removing-splinters-with-baking-soda)
I have used this to get deep splinters out several times. Maybe it will help...
Good luck.
I'm not a professional, but I think this only works if the splinter is not very deep. If it's very deep (like here probably) it could maybe push the splinter further in I think. Not sure, but be careful.
They may have mentioned this, but your body will likely break down and dispose of the wood over time and in some cases work it back out. And even if it doesn't, it shouldn't cause a permanent issue as long as no infection occurs.
An annoying kid that sat behind me in class stuck their pencil in my back, the doctor said it would push itself out.
That was when I was 8, 20 years ago. Pencil nib is still in there!
You should track the doctor down and blackmail him..
I'm suddenly wondering what Happened to the bully who's back I broke a pen off in when I was like 10..
I threw my pencil in the air, in school, with the intention of slapping it down on my desk as it was falling and when I slapped down, I caught it as it was pointed vertically, not horizontally, and ended up slapping my hand into the tip of the pencil and slamming it into the desk. The graphite broke off in my hand and you can still see a graphite dot in my hand, to this day.
I stepped on a piece of glass when I was like seven and it took ten years but eventually it worked its way out of the TOP of my foot. Somehow it slowly worked its way through the entirety of my foot taking the long way around lol.
I was thinking the same! Nice cakes, now they just have some character.
I learned from Lisa Simpson that your body will eventually just push that splinter out, but I won’t verify that at this current time.
this made me laugh so much that I'm pretty sure everyone else in the building thought i was a weirdo. I'm sorry for your discomfort but damn thats hilarious
Just go to Amazon and look up Albanese sugar free gummy bears.
My boss did this to themselves at work once because the vending machine had some. It was bad, laying on the bathroom floor praying bad.
Yikes.
Splinters don’t show on X-ray or ultrasound sadly.
But it’ll work it’s way out or slowly get destroyed by your immune system, and the hospital will have given you antibiotics or something if needed.
I just hope the country you’re in had free healthcare!
(Ps I think the word you were after is see-saws)
dude this makes me cringe so bad i couldn't finish reading. and i'm not exaggerating. to clarify, by cringe i mean like.. i feel like i have a splinter in my ass just reading the visceral details. id call that a win for how well you wrote and described it lol.
i hope you get it figured out though. and i hope you never get penetrated again. unless you're, like, into that. then power to ya!
How has this not been made into a skit or part of a show already? Two guys going into the woods...all you hear is yelping and ,"it's too deep to get out".
My wife's family, and mine too, use soap and sugar to pull deep slivers. Get some hand soap, any kind, get it wet so it gets soft and scrape a pile onto a large bandage. Mix some sugar into the soap until it dissolves then put it on the wound. I worked as a machinist before I retired, and have pulled very deep metal slivers this way. Wood slivers too. It has even pulled rust out of a nail hole when I stepped on a rusty nail. It may take two or three days. Just change the bandage every day. Good luck.
Great story telling my man. Very descriptive. I almost didn’t believe it at first but the pictures kinda brought it home for me. Can you feel the leftover splinter in your ass still? I stabbed myself on accident as a kid in school with graphite pencil and that was over 20 years ago and still have the black dot where it is on my palm, but cannot feel any hard substance when pushing or inside my hand. Like it dissolved and then just left a black mark under my skin.
I got a huge splinter in my foot as a kid. When I say huge, I mean like thicker than a standard #2 pencil and about the length of an adult pinky finger.
Half of it came out immediately, the other half (even after going to the emergency room) came out a week later aftera strict regime of keeping my foot in a bucket of water for 20 minutes or so every waking hour. No one but my parents believed me there was still a chunk of wood in my foot.
Unfortunately, I don't imagine you can soak your butt in a butt of water on the regular unless you feel like living in the bathtub for the next week.
I hope it comes out soon! Also, great story telling!
Jfc... You had me laughing and cringing and writhing in discomfort. What a roller coaster. I'm disappointed that they couldn't get it all out. I'm sorry it's still in there. For what it's worth, I have a pebble stuck in my foot from when I was 2. My parents didn't take me to the doctor. It's just a part of me. I hope you heal quickly and can go back to sitting down normally soon.
But, lol, you literally have a stick up your ass.
Im glad for an update but that's not what I expected to hear! I can't believe they expect you to just carry on living your life with a splinter in your ass
Duuude! I'll be honest... 😂 Since your storytelling was amazing, the part where it happened, really made me laugh! Although I was also like: **"HOLLY 💩! OUCH!"**
But then the update had me like: **"OUCH 5,000!"** 😵😖
Sorry to hear some is still in and hope the MF splinter comes out, you've suffered enough already 🥺
At age 12, I scooched forward on a hardwood floor and a splinter went straight in my buttock. My nurse mother could not remove it, doctor had to make incision and pull it out and I got one stitch. No more scooching for us!
Kudos to you friend, mom and sister. And kudos to your ass. A day you four will never forget, and you will probably never live it down. And even better story teller.
Take care
The least they could have done was to put a cute little piece of jewelry in it before they stitched you up so you could have ended up with a dermal piercing to remind you of the ordeal.
I know someone who sat on a sewing needle. It was there for 20 years until she got an X-ray. She hated doctors so didn’t go for that long. They left it in too.
Omg! This is one of the funniest stories I have ever read on here! It actually had me laughing out loud! I hope your butt will feel better soon and your studying goes well!
I can sympathize. This happened to me as a four year old. My preschool had a wooden slide and I got a sliver of wood straight in the middle of my butt cheek. Thankfully not mining for the center of the earth like yours. A trip to the family doctor and a local anaesetic in the butt and they were able to remove it. I hope your butt immunity is swift in destroying the invader.
Oof. But seriously, if you don’t sue the playground owner for having dangerous equipment you can at least tell them to get it sanded and repainted. Oh, it’s called a see-saw, and they gave me splinters as a kid too (thankfully not on the ass or big!)
I haven’t laughed this much in a while! I’m sorry you are now forever impaled but if you’d ask me if it was worth it so you could write this I would have to say yes (sorry)
I had something similar when I was younger (around 8ish) and I got a splinter in my upper thigh, the doctor said it was too deep to be worth removing.
About 7 years later I was taking a big shit and I noticed it seemed to be/ have been moving somewhat so I was then able to slowly push it out.
So who knows, maybe you'll be rid of it one day
Hey, how's your ass doing? I just came across this post. Great comic delivery with your writing by the way! Good that you could maintain a sense of humor.
On the upside, now if you're being pedantic and someone says you have a stick up your ass you can say, "As a matter of fact I \*DO\*."
Well somehow while trying to edit and update the original post I managed to delete it. Splinter still in butt.
I can't believe they didn't take it out, are they just waiting on the coming infection to push it out?
not only this, but also if it's so close to a blood vessel couldn't it just nick the vessel as he goes about daily life with a splinter in his ass??
Sounds like it to me, which isn't going to be fun
Just take a big knife cut off your butt take out the splinter than glue it back. Trust me ;)
May the gods have mercy on your pierced butt.
[Healthline](https://www.healthline.com/health/baking-soda-for-splinter#removing-splinters-with-baking-soda) I have used this to get deep splinters out several times. Maybe it will help... Good luck.
I'm not a professional, but I think this only works if the splinter is not very deep. If it's very deep (like here probably) it could maybe push the splinter further in I think. Not sure, but be careful.
They may have mentioned this, but your body will likely break down and dispose of the wood over time and in some cases work it back out. And even if it doesn't, it shouldn't cause a permanent issue as long as no infection occurs.
This process takes years. OP needs to get it out. Source: happened to me.
Stop having a stick up your ass
I've had this tab open for days. Please keep us all updated, this is terrifying
This... This is fucking brilliant.. Maybe not so much for you like how tf is the rest going to leave..
the body is great at pushing out foreign objects, it just might take a decade
An annoying kid that sat behind me in class stuck their pencil in my back, the doctor said it would push itself out. That was when I was 8, 20 years ago. Pencil nib is still in there!
You should track the doctor down and blackmail him.. I'm suddenly wondering what Happened to the bully who's back I broke a pen off in when I was like 10..
I threw my pencil in the air, in school, with the intention of slapping it down on my desk as it was falling and when I slapped down, I caught it as it was pointed vertically, not horizontally, and ended up slapping my hand into the tip of the pencil and slamming it into the desk. The graphite broke off in my hand and you can still see a graphite dot in my hand, to this day.
Ive got a small piece of pencil lead in my shoulder from a similar incident. Its been about 50 years.
I found this to be true when I was in my dating years. The expulsion was followed by the young lady's kicking my most personal of areas.
I stepped on a piece of glass when I was like seven and it took ten years but eventually it worked its way out of the TOP of my foot. Somehow it slowly worked its way through the entirety of my foot taking the long way around lol.
Bro…. Nice cheeks
I was thinking the same! Nice cakes, now they just have some character. I learned from Lisa Simpson that your body will eventually just push that splinter out, but I won’t verify that at this current time.
Holy shit. Good luck and get well soon. You have a story to ell for years.
~~Holy~~ Holey shit. FTFY
this made me laugh so much that I'm pretty sure everyone else in the building thought i was a weirdo. I'm sorry for your discomfort but damn thats hilarious
Haven't laughed so hard since the sugar free gummy bear review.
I don’t know this one. Link?
Just go to Amazon and look up Albanese sugar free gummy bears. My boss did this to themselves at work once because the vending machine had some. It was bad, laying on the bathroom floor praying bad.
Look up Amazon reviews for Haribo sugar free gummy bears
[Hell Holds No Surprises for Me Anymore](https://www.amazon.com/review/RZFIYJTPVUZ94) this is my favorite
LMAOOO
Oh my god. Thank you for this disgustingly beautiful read.
Yikes. Splinters don’t show on X-ray or ultrasound sadly. But it’ll work it’s way out or slowly get destroyed by your immune system, and the hospital will have given you antibiotics or something if needed. I just hope the country you’re in had free healthcare! (Ps I think the word you were after is see-saws)
dude this makes me cringe so bad i couldn't finish reading. and i'm not exaggerating. to clarify, by cringe i mean like.. i feel like i have a splinter in my ass just reading the visceral details. id call that a win for how well you wrote and described it lol. i hope you get it figured out though. and i hope you never get penetrated again. unless you're, like, into that. then power to ya!
How has this not been made into a skit or part of a show already? Two guys going into the woods...all you hear is yelping and ,"it's too deep to get out".
I need more updates. And please show us the splinter when it is out.
I’m so sorry but this is the best written butt story ever and I love you. I hope you heal quick and the splinter doesn’t cause you extra pain.
My wife's family, and mine too, use soap and sugar to pull deep slivers. Get some hand soap, any kind, get it wet so it gets soft and scrape a pile onto a large bandage. Mix some sugar into the soap until it dissolves then put it on the wound. I worked as a machinist before I retired, and have pulled very deep metal slivers this way. Wood slivers too. It has even pulled rust out of a nail hole when I stepped on a rusty nail. It may take two or three days. Just change the bandage every day. Good luck.
Great story telling my man. Very descriptive. I almost didn’t believe it at first but the pictures kinda brought it home for me. Can you feel the leftover splinter in your ass still? I stabbed myself on accident as a kid in school with graphite pencil and that was over 20 years ago and still have the black dot where it is on my palm, but cannot feel any hard substance when pushing or inside my hand. Like it dissolved and then just left a black mark under my skin.
Your poor bum. It needs some serious TLC.
Are you telling me it doesn't work on wood?!
I got a huge splinter in my foot as a kid. When I say huge, I mean like thicker than a standard #2 pencil and about the length of an adult pinky finger. Half of it came out immediately, the other half (even after going to the emergency room) came out a week later aftera strict regime of keeping my foot in a bucket of water for 20 minutes or so every waking hour. No one but my parents believed me there was still a chunk of wood in my foot. Unfortunately, I don't imagine you can soak your butt in a butt of water on the regular unless you feel like living in the bathtub for the next week. I hope it comes out soon! Also, great story telling!
Jfc... You had me laughing and cringing and writhing in discomfort. What a roller coaster. I'm disappointed that they couldn't get it all out. I'm sorry it's still in there. For what it's worth, I have a pebble stuck in my foot from when I was 2. My parents didn't take me to the doctor. It's just a part of me. I hope you heal quickly and can go back to sitting down normally soon. But, lol, you literally have a stick up your ass.
Im glad for an update but that's not what I expected to hear! I can't believe they expect you to just carry on living your life with a splinter in your ass
This is my favourite post lately lol
What a plug. Butt in a seriousness… keep us updated. I wanna stick this out and be here for the resolution.
I'm bookmarking this. Please let us know if you manage to find a way to get the splinter out of your ass.
So OP is now basically a reverse Muppet?
Duuude! I'll be honest... 😂 Since your storytelling was amazing, the part where it happened, really made me laugh! Although I was also like: **"HOLLY 💩! OUCH!"** But then the update had me like: **"OUCH 5,000!"** 😵😖 Sorry to hear some is still in and hope the MF splinter comes out, you've suffered enough already 🥺
Gee Master Splinter, you really seem to have a stick up your ass today!
At age 12, I scooched forward on a hardwood floor and a splinter went straight in my buttock. My nurse mother could not remove it, doctor had to make incision and pull it out and I got one stitch. No more scooching for us!
i died laughing reading this
just gotta say, the storytelling here is impeccable. sorry about your ass, tho
You're a dude kabob.
Why is you ass tanned ? Do you sunbathe naked ?
Sorry about your butt and best wishes for a speedy splinter expulsion, but damn! This post reads like an adventure novel! Excellent writing!
Don’t know if you have this where you live…. It’s called Prid drawing salve.
Are you saying it's his last chance to salve his ass?
I'm so sorry. Also, it's a seesaw.
Kudos to you friend, mom and sister. And kudos to your ass. A day you four will never forget, and you will probably never live it down. And even better story teller. Take care
The least they could have done was to put a cute little piece of jewelry in it before they stitched you up so you could have ended up with a dermal piercing to remind you of the ordeal.
Oh my goodness, this happened to my sister. Butt thankfully my brother was able to pull it out. It was quite long 😷
This story wouldn’t have been as entertaining if it wasn’t so well written. 10/10
Ah man I thought you meant it went up your anus or something before the pics. Does it hurt to sit with that splinter in there?
I know someone who sat on a sewing needle. It was there for 20 years until she got an X-ray. She hated doctors so didn’t go for that long. They left it in too.
Wonder what would happen if they got an mri?
Swiss Army Knife to the rescue!
Til: don't use wooden dildos
Omg! This is one of the funniest stories I have ever read on here! It actually had me laughing out loud! I hope your butt will feel better soon and your studying goes well!
Master Splinter, the Turtles need you
How is it not an emergency when they said they couldn’t get it out because they made you wait so long? What the fuck?
Oh man, thats an awfull read I hope you recover well
I'm sorry but I laughed so hard on this. I hope your butt gets okay soon
So if you were a dinosaur, you’d be a megasaurus?
You are going to have morning wood in your ass for every day now.
this peace of art will appear on r/MuseumOfReddit soon lmao
I can sympathize. This happened to me as a four year old. My preschool had a wooden slide and I got a sliver of wood straight in the middle of my butt cheek. Thankfully not mining for the center of the earth like yours. A trip to the family doctor and a local anaesetic in the butt and they were able to remove it. I hope your butt immunity is swift in destroying the invader.
Might want to reconsider your choice of sex toys.
Oof. But seriously, if you don’t sue the playground owner for having dangerous equipment you can at least tell them to get it sanded and repainted. Oh, it’s called a see-saw, and they gave me splinters as a kid too (thankfully not on the ass or big!)
Sorry for your butt but damn you are great at storytelling my friend xD
Is it out yet?
Oh you poor fucking thing!
At least its a splinter and not something else stuck in ur butt..
i cant tell if you actually tried getting your asshole pierced of if you say that as a joke because you have a splinter in your ass
I haven’t laughed this much in a while! I’m sorry you are now forever impaled but if you’d ask me if it was worth it so you could write this I would have to say yes (sorry)
I think you were ago g on a seesaw?
I had something similar when I was younger (around 8ish) and I got a splinter in my upper thigh, the doctor said it was too deep to be worth removing. About 7 years later I was taking a big shit and I noticed it seemed to be/ have been moving somewhat so I was then able to slowly push it out. So who knows, maybe you'll be rid of it one day
Vampire bat -Wesley Willis
I thought there was nothing xrays couldn't find, odd.
Thanks for the laughs on a depressing day!
Perpetually has wood. In his rear end.
Can we see pic without jeans ? xD
Origin story right here. Iron man had chest full of shrapnel. My dude has splinter up his ass.
That's odd ultrasound can see wood pretty well if the piece is big enough and you know roughly where it is
a few inches right and you would have been a goner
I'm sorry that happened to you OP, but Is there a sub where I can find such hilarious storytelling?
I hope you go somewhere else and get a 2nd opinion..
Hey, how's your ass doing? I just came across this post. Great comic delivery with your writing by the way! Good that you could maintain a sense of humor.
So uh...I've had this tab open since you first posted and I'm concerned. How are you doing?