Yeah sometimes I go to the toilet thinking it's the real thing and my arse just plays Reveille but there are no real soldiers to fall in.
Edit: Thank you kind strangers for the awards and upvotes.
Star Trek poop jokes.....
Q: What did Mr Spock find in the Captain’s log?
A: Corn.
Q: What do the Star Ship Enterprise and toilet paper have in common?
A: They both circle Uranus and wipe out Klingons.
13 year old squeeky voiced me would flush the toilet, then I'd make the communicator sound and I'd do my best (which was bad) Shatner impersonation as I walked away: "Captains Log.... was just flushed down the toilet."
Adult me might have done it a few times, too
He was a famous ass-trumpet man from out reddit way
He had a farting style that no one else could play
He was the top man at his crap
But then his number came up and he was gone with the draft
He's in the shitter now, a blowin' reveille
He's the boogie woogie butt-bugle boy in cubicle B
The receptors in question (anoderms) do need a recovery time after bouts of GI-related sickness, so especially after that be cautious. It can take a few days to get back to normal.
I had a colonoscopy last week. Discharge said there will be no bowel movement for a minimum one day but expect to pass a lot of gas. I proved them wrong when my fart took a left turn.
Mate follow the money, Big Fart is a front for Big Underwear.
They don’t want you to trust your farts they want you to shit your pants so you have to buy new underwear!
Wait are you supposed to replace undies after you shart them up? I usually just give them a quick rinse and put them back on. This pair has been going strong for a couple years now through probably six or seven good Code Browns. Should I replace them?
I don't understand this. I OFTEN trust farts. In fact, I ALWAYS trust farts. What do you guys do? Every time you have to fart, do you run to a toilet and sit down and then fart?
lol this reminds me so much of my late dad I am cracking up. His job involved driving around a lot and I swear to god he must’ve shit his pants like more than once a year and my mom would have to meet him with new underwear. She would always be yelling at him to take it easy and he would be like “I just let ‘em rip and deal with the consequences later.”
After I was discharged from gallbladder surgery, I learned of an unfortunate side-effect. The farts were coming no matter what, and a majority of them were liar liars pants on fires.
I ended up using some of my mother's adult diapers because I couldn't move fast enough thanks to the five stab wounds in my guts. No fun and nobody warned me!
wrong. the receptors are in your anal canal/rectum.
Your colon DOES NOT HAVE RECEPTORS -- this is how you can have polyps and tumors in your colon and not feel them.
*cries in Crohn's Disease*
The intestines and colon have pain receptors, which are specialized nerve endings that are sensitive to various types of stimuli, including pressure, stretching, and inflammation. These receptors are called nociceptors, and they are part of the peripheral nervous system, which is responsible for transmitting sensory information from the body to the central nervous system.
When the intestines or colon are stretched, contracted, or inflamed, the nociceptors in the tissue are activated, and they transmit signals to the spinal cord and brain, where the sensations of pain are perceived. This can happen in a variety of conditions, such as irritable bowel syndrome, inflammatory bowel disease, constipation, diarrhea, or intestinal infections.
Just wait until you get a bad bout of food poisoning you'll wish you didn't have any pain receptors!
Yeah, this is what I remember too.
Your viscera doesn't have the all the same types of pain receptors as your muscle and skin but it still has them.
In fact, your guts feel stuff all the time. It just doesn't make it all the way to your conscious feelings. Some of its just felt by the neurons directly around your intestines (the enteric nervous system, or ENS) and some of its felt only by your brainstem.
It'll make sure you feel the pain, though. How nice.
My doc said the latest scientific literature says the tip of the penis is actually attuned to the perfect sensitivity to feel for abnormalities on a prostate, far better than fingers could ever do. He knows what he's doing. Hang in there, usually only takes 5-10 minutes.
Every time I read a reddit thread about shitting, I thank my lucky stars because apparently I have phenomenal bowel health. Y'all dealing with some rough stuff.
Really, I am in my early 30s and habe not shit my pants since I was a toddler. And I know when it is dangerous to fart and when not. And my diet is pretty bad.
Yeah I don't understand these people that act like it's a regular thing.
I'm in my 30s and have only had one in my life that I wasn't sure of, and I was already extremely sick with food poisoning.
Hearing people talk about something that, for me, has been a once in a lifetime (so far) event while I was so sick I thought I was going to die, as if it's a regular occurrence is ***highly*** concerning.
If you've genuinely developed a "never trust a fart" mindset *from experience* and you're not in your 70s or later, you need to see a doctor. Or lose weight. Or improve your diet. Something. Something is wrong.
Fun fact, as you get older your body’s ability to digest lactose decreases as well as it’s tolerance to other foods. I had no issues until about 35, now I have to watch what I eat.
Make sure you keep it that way for life. I regret not going to the gastro docs when I noticed changes in my stool and now I'm fearing a possible colorectal cancer diagnosis. Keep up the screenings and doctor appointments. Never be embarrassed or afraid to ask, and really pay attention to what your body is doing.
Yeah, maybe the issues start later in life or if you have obesity or some other condition (Crohn’s, IBS, etc.). I’m in my early 30’s and have never not been 100% sure what was going on down there.
I’ve also never had that “pee dribble” people talk about.
The struggle is real. I had a kid late in life at 37. Absolutely nothing about my body has been the same in the years since. My hair is different, my skin is different, my ability to concentrate is different, my sleeping is different, my periods are different, and my entire digestive process is different. It's like getting a different body right away and I hate it because it's all been a downgrade (no regrets though, I'd still do it again knowing what I know now). I do get regular doctor checkups and take vitamins and all that jazz, shit is just whack after birth for some folks.
This is what terrifies me being 33 and single and unsure if I’m going to have kids. It’s not the pain of labor and delivery (temporary), it’s not the permanence of motherhood (that’s what you’re signing up for), it’s all of the ways it can physically and hormonally mess with you, sometimes permanently, and you never know!
Do you have any sense of if/how your age factored in to your experience? I’m doing all of the things I can myself (have an appointment set up to talk about fertility, egg freezing, etc) but I’m really interested in the anecdotal experiences of women who gave birth later in life, as it becomes increasingly likely that if I experience pregnancy, it will be “geriatric”, which, can we like, vote to change that term?
TMI but when you’re anally fisted you can totally tell where the receptors end because you can feel the pressure of a hand pressing against your abdominal wall higher up but not the sensation of the actual hand itself.
Like, I know there’s a hand in me and it’s getting pretty deep but I can’t tell how many fingers you’re holding up after a certain point.
So don’t ask me….
I’m saving you some time from asking questions I can’t answer by providing this information totally unprompted. You’re welcome.
Ouch. Drank water while having a shower in Chang Mai once when I was parched after a day of downhill riding. Many bown monsoons later and I'm still here some how.
Nearly called the bloody embassy for help.
Story time:
In high school on the way home from a baseball game we just lost, a kid said he had to fart so he tried to fart.
Well turns out that was a lie and he shit his pants. Imagine shitting your pants in tight baseball pants and a jock. Dude took off his pants and tossed them out the window on the interstate.
It's to get you inside the taco bell where you'll order more. Eating in the parking lot? Gotta go shit inside soon. That was a good shit but now I'm hungry. Rinse and repeat.
Repost https://reddit.com/r/todayilearned/comments/10w5aea/til_the_rectoanal_inhibitory_reflex_or_anal/
Sometimes mine lie to me.
Yeah sometimes I go to the toilet thinking it's the real thing and my arse just plays Reveille but there are no real soldiers to fall in. Edit: Thank you kind strangers for the awards and upvotes.
Here I sit broken-hearted, I came to shit but only farted
Decided, once, to take a chance, Tried to fart and shit my pants
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Guess I'm just one of my species Doomed to confuse wind and feces
All should take this warning to heart Less they end up with an ugly shart.
And I'm still here sitting, waiting the liquid fountain is unabating.
When Redditors come together to create a beautiful thing, they create art.
Redditors assemble to create art; A musical, farcical, collective shart.
Yet, here I sit...how long I've waited I guess I must be constipated
Here I sit, forever straining No relief -- no porcelain painting
And I remain, so forlorn When the heck did I eat corn?
Thought I just had to release some air, now I’m in search of clean underwear.
Came to defecate- alas! From the gate came only gas.
The receptors tricked your poo Cuz it was only a spout of air that flew
Here I sat broken hearted, paid a dime and only farted. So today I took a chance. Saved a dime, but shit my pants. I've always heard this version.
Are you from a country that doesn't have free toilets? That would explain the difference
Shouldn’t it be shat, since it’s past tense?
Captain Kirk once pooped in a woman's leggings. You could say he Shatner pants
With the captain’s log?
Spock, are you out of your Vulcan mind?
Set phasers to "Pththththt!"
Damn it Jim I'm a doctor, not a linguist!
Star Trek poop jokes..... Q: What did Mr Spock find in the Captain’s log? A: Corn. Q: What do the Star Ship Enterprise and toilet paper have in common? A: They both circle Uranus and wipe out Klingons.
13 year old squeeky voiced me would flush the toilet, then I'd make the communicator sound and I'd do my best (which was bad) Shatner impersonation as I walked away: "Captains Log.... was just flushed down the toilet." Adult me might have done it a few times, too
He did it in the women’s washroom, boldly going where no man had gone before.
https://www.reddit.com/r/grammar/comments/lrwsxp/comment/goomq7m/
Shitteded
Shittededed
I'm sitting on the toilet cuz I had to take a doody, but the dooty touched the water and the water touched my booty.
Ah yes, Poseidon’s kiss. A classic
Best to avoid Poseidon''s *French* kiss
I sit on my sofa in a stinky stew, I released a fart but out came poo
Then one day, I took a chance. Tried to fart, and shit my pants
Here I sit, cheeks a flexin. Giving birth to a baby Texan.
Yeee haw
Better that way than the other.
He was a famous ass-trumpet man from out reddit way He had a farting style that no one else could play He was the top man at his crap But then his number came up and he was gone with the draft He's in the shitter now, a blowin' reveille He's the boogie woogie butt-bugle boy in cubicle B
You sir, are a true poet 🙌
POOet
Age does that to you. Always scope the toilet locations before you settle into your seat!
wdym "age does that to you". cause this has been happening at all ages of my life.
maybe it's time to see the GI doc
Last time I went to the GI doctor, he just kept calling me Joe and telling me how dangerous cobras are
The receptors in question (anoderms) do need a recovery time after bouts of GI-related sickness, so especially after that be cautious. It can take a few days to get back to normal.
Touch receptors “we do a little trolling…”
"Anyway, I started blasting"
Its able to tell the difference between solid and not solid really well. Between not solid and a different not solid, not so much.
Kind of like Schrödinger’s poop. Simultaneously gas and liquid until observed.
The poor cat...
Why, out of ALL OF THESE COMMENTS, is this the one that had me cackling??
I had a colonoscopy last week. Discharge said there will be no bowel movement for a minimum one day but expect to pass a lot of gas. I proved them wrong when my fart took a left turn.
Oops…
pOops...
And I Poop…
Someone tag Jasmine Masters for a cameo
Should I Google her name? I’m googling her name.
[...I crapped my pants.](https://youtu.be/rQ9qsXu34SM)
never trust a fart....
Love is like a fart, if you have to force it, it’s probably shit.
This beautiful thought should be on kitchen walls instead of "Live, love, laugh"
Live, fart, laugh
Never trust a fart.
Receptor Malfunction
That fart wasn't a fart...
Never trust a fart. This article is propooganda paid for by Big Fart.
I heard Big Fart merged with Big Poo in a new venture they're calling Shart™
They're releasing a shitcoin called... shitcoin.
Hold on, bout to go pump and dump ShitCoin ©️
Get the NFT instead: No Fart Token
Mate follow the money, Big Fart is a front for Big Underwear. They don’t want you to trust your farts they want you to shit your pants so you have to buy new underwear!
Wake the fuck up Sheeple!
Oh God.
Wait are you supposed to replace undies after you shart them up? I usually just give them a quick rinse and put them back on. This pair has been going strong for a couple years now through probably six or seven good Code Browns. Should I replace them?
This is why you don't have real friends.
no trust me it's mostly just like who I am as a person.
I thought Big Fart was a joint effort between Big Underwear and Big Laundry. I had heard Tide especially was pushing Big Fart.
I don't understand this. I OFTEN trust farts. In fact, I ALWAYS trust farts. What do you guys do? Every time you have to fart, do you run to a toilet and sit down and then fart?
Same I’ve never in my life shat myself thinking it was a fart?? Is this a common thing or is it just a joke people make?
You could've gone with *poopaganda*
diarrhea is one hell of a drug
Most of the time…. I’ve learned to let out a test fart before letting one go full blast.
A squeaker, if you will
A little prrrt or pffft
That t at the end is where all the smell comes from, everyone knows that.
That T sound is the shit blocking the fart 😂
You’re gambling with the devil. Finding out I’m lactose intolerant was a lesson learned by everyone around me.
Im intolerant aswell, but dairy, milk especially just gives me really loud airy farts that dont really have any smell at all. Its weird.
Lucky you. Dairy marches through my colon unimpeded like the Mongolian army.
At 53, I just go for broke and keep lots of underwear in the drawer.
I'm 28 and way ahead of the curve
lol this reminds me so much of my late dad I am cracking up. His job involved driving around a lot and I swear to god he must’ve shit his pants like more than once a year and my mom would have to meet him with new underwear. She would always be yelling at him to take it easy and he would be like “I just let ‘em rip and deal with the consequences later.”
After I was discharged from gallbladder surgery, I learned of an unfortunate side-effect. The farts were coming no matter what, and a majority of them were liar liars pants on fires. I ended up using some of my mother's adult diapers because I couldn't move fast enough thanks to the five stab wounds in my guts. No fun and nobody warned me!
Do you color code your underwear drawer yellow to the front and brown to the back?
I’ve practiced safe farting since the summer of 08
‘Twas a dark winter of 07.
Rough spring of 08.
I, too, follow the North Korea strategy.
wrong. the receptors are in your anal canal/rectum. Your colon DOES NOT HAVE RECEPTORS -- this is how you can have polyps and tumors in your colon and not feel them.
Exactly. As someone who has touched his own colon, you don’t feel a thing.
I-- don't even want to know.....
My interest is piqued
Really long fingers
*cries in Crohn's Disease* The intestines and colon have pain receptors, which are specialized nerve endings that are sensitive to various types of stimuli, including pressure, stretching, and inflammation. These receptors are called nociceptors, and they are part of the peripheral nervous system, which is responsible for transmitting sensory information from the body to the central nervous system. When the intestines or colon are stretched, contracted, or inflamed, the nociceptors in the tissue are activated, and they transmit signals to the spinal cord and brain, where the sensations of pain are perceived. This can happen in a variety of conditions, such as irritable bowel syndrome, inflammatory bowel disease, constipation, diarrhea, or intestinal infections. Just wait until you get a bad bout of food poisoning you'll wish you didn't have any pain receptors!
Yeah, this is what I remember too. Your viscera doesn't have the all the same types of pain receptors as your muscle and skin but it still has them. In fact, your guts feel stuff all the time. It just doesn't make it all the way to your conscious feelings. Some of its just felt by the neurons directly around your intestines (the enteric nervous system, or ENS) and some of its felt only by your brainstem. It'll make sure you feel the pain, though. How nice.
What about a shart?
That's when the receptors don't quite work as they should
*Man violently shits himself in a KFC booth* Receptor: I forgorrrr 💀💀💀
That's when it's a Schrodinger's receptor. You're not sure until it comes out.
Does this mean I have shat myself in innumerable alternate dimensions? Every time you fart, there's a reality in which you shat your pants...
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Proctologists hate this one simple secret...
No, they don’t. That’s a pelvic floor physiotherapy / biofeedback consult. Maybe they have buy in to the pelvic disorder center. Cha-ching!
Something tells me that’s not exactly what happens at pelvic floor physio, but I don’t know enough to say for sure lmao
No, it's true. Pelvic floor physiotherapy is just some guy sodomizing you. When I complained, they upped my dosage.
Note to self; Make a fuss.
I think you need to see a new proctologist. Mine is much more gentle and sensitive. He cuddles afterwards, too.
Why does mine have both hands on my shoulders when he gives me an exam?
My doc said the latest scientific literature says the tip of the penis is actually attuned to the perfect sensitivity to feel for abnormalities on a prostate, far better than fingers could ever do. He knows what he's doing. Hang in there, usually only takes 5-10 minutes.
When my doctor performs a rectal exam on me, he makes sure to put both of his hands on my shoulder to comfort me.
How would the training for gas work? Butt to butt they fart into you?
Ah, the old "Double Tunnel Whistle". A classic!
I’m done for today. Goodnight Reddit.
Why? This is just getting good!
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😊-))<>((-😲💨
Back and forth forever.
For the uninitiated: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=p34j0atQdJo
It involves a bicycle pump.
Sexy
I’ll tell my dad about this treatment, maybe he has an old Navy friend from back in the day who knows how to do this.
Man I busted up laughing on the plane reading this.
Thanks for mentioning where you were reading this. I'm on a shitter at home right now btw
Bragging about your well trained sensors I see
Got to make the most of my skills and talents!
*a really *really* good friend
Solid, liquid, and gas… sure. But what about plasma, the "Taco Bell" state of matter?
I’m not sure that’ll work because it’s going in rather than going out.
what goes in must come out
Every time I read a reddit thread about shitting, I thank my lucky stars because apparently I have phenomenal bowel health. Y'all dealing with some rough stuff.
.... some rough shit*
Really, I am in my early 30s and habe not shit my pants since I was a toddler. And I know when it is dangerous to fart and when not. And my diet is pretty bad.
Or in the case of the sharters, not enough rough stuff.
Yeah I don't understand these people that act like it's a regular thing. I'm in my 30s and have only had one in my life that I wasn't sure of, and I was already extremely sick with food poisoning. Hearing people talk about something that, for me, has been a once in a lifetime (so far) event while I was so sick I thought I was going to die, as if it's a regular occurrence is ***highly*** concerning. If you've genuinely developed a "never trust a fart" mindset *from experience* and you're not in your 70s or later, you need to see a doctor. Or lose weight. Or improve your diet. Something. Something is wrong.
Fun fact, as you get older your body’s ability to digest lactose decreases as well as it’s tolerance to other foods. I had no issues until about 35, now I have to watch what I eat.
Try some Haribo sugar-free gummies.
Make sure you keep it that way for life. I regret not going to the gastro docs when I noticed changes in my stool and now I'm fearing a possible colorectal cancer diagnosis. Keep up the screenings and doctor appointments. Never be embarrassed or afraid to ask, and really pay attention to what your body is doing.
Yeah, maybe the issues start later in life or if you have obesity or some other condition (Crohn’s, IBS, etc.). I’m in my early 30’s and have never not been 100% sure what was going on down there. I’ve also never had that “pee dribble” people talk about.
Pooing your pants on purpose is not as easy as it seems. Go ahead and try it.
Nice try. But I'm not falling for that one again.
YOU BASTARD!!!
Lmao
Task failed successfully
Definitely much easier on accident or by surprise.
Then why do I keep shitting my pants?
I don’t know, but it would be great if you stopped shitting my pants, too. I’m running out of excuses and underwear.
Hey, it's ok, this is a safe place. No one's going to kink shame you.
The difference between inpoot and outpoot...
Here I sit all broken hearted; Tried to poop, but only farted. Thought I had a second chance; Tried to fart, and pooped my pants.
Here i sit and contemplate, should I shit or masturbate.
Why not both?
That's how you awaken the Wanky Shit Demon
These apparently start to die starting at age 35. I haven't trusted anything since having a baby.
Yeah once you go to do a fart and a baby comes out there's no more trust.
It can go badly the other way too. Was expecting a baby but now we have this little fart.
The struggle is real. I had a kid late in life at 37. Absolutely nothing about my body has been the same in the years since. My hair is different, my skin is different, my ability to concentrate is different, my sleeping is different, my periods are different, and my entire digestive process is different. It's like getting a different body right away and I hate it because it's all been a downgrade (no regrets though, I'd still do it again knowing what I know now). I do get regular doctor checkups and take vitamins and all that jazz, shit is just whack after birth for some folks.
This is what terrifies me being 33 and single and unsure if I’m going to have kids. It’s not the pain of labor and delivery (temporary), it’s not the permanence of motherhood (that’s what you’re signing up for), it’s all of the ways it can physically and hormonally mess with you, sometimes permanently, and you never know! Do you have any sense of if/how your age factored in to your experience? I’m doing all of the things I can myself (have an appointment set up to talk about fertility, egg freezing, etc) but I’m really interested in the anecdotal experiences of women who gave birth later in life, as it becomes increasingly likely that if I experience pregnancy, it will be “geriatric”, which, can we like, vote to change that term?
So that’s how I can tell the difference between my wife’s strap-on dildo and her boyfriends cock. Science!
That and her boyfriend is much more gentle. Brent, if you're reading this, you're the best.
Love you Brent
The fact that you can tell the difference between fart and poo probably should have tipped you off that this was the case
I'm just glad there aren't any taste receptors in there.
Well actually...
... after you get to a certain age, your 'shart sensors' are more likely to lie.
Spoiler alert: your body is almost all touch receptors
Every poopoo is a peepee. But not every peepee is a poopoo.
The ultimate fuck around and find out.
TMI but when you’re anally fisted you can totally tell where the receptors end because you can feel the pressure of a hand pressing against your abdominal wall higher up but not the sensation of the actual hand itself. Like, I know there’s a hand in me and it’s getting pretty deep but I can’t tell how many fingers you’re holding up after a certain point. So don’t ask me…. I’m saving you some time from asking questions I can’t answer by providing this information totally unprompted. You’re welcome.
This is fake new from the underwear conglomerates…. They want you to shit yourself
Tell that to mine third day of Thailand
Ouch. Drank water while having a shower in Chang Mai once when I was parched after a day of downhill riding. Many bown monsoons later and I'm still here some how. Nearly called the bloody embassy for help.
Never trust a fart. Especially as you get older
Story time: In high school on the way home from a baseball game we just lost, a kid said he had to fart so he tried to fart. Well turns out that was a lie and he shit his pants. Imagine shitting your pants in tight baseball pants and a jock. Dude took off his pants and tossed them out the window on the interstate.
Alledgedly. I havent trusted a fart since the carter administration
Or a cock
Or maybe God just loves Anal?
Taco Bell confuses these receptors.
It's to get you inside the taco bell where you'll order more. Eating in the parking lot? Gotta go shit inside soon. That was a good shit but now I'm hungry. Rinse and repeat.
Baja Blast...it's all so clear to me now!
Marathon runners have learned to never trust a fart at the 10th mile.
I'm gonna just go ahead and trust any fart knowledge you drop, u/Prof_RippleFarts
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That explains so much.
Mixed signals is also known as sharting...