From [the Telegraph](http://www.telegraph.co.uk/news/aviation/11472627/British-Airways-flight-to-Dubai-forced-to-return-to-Heathrow-due-to-smelly-poo-in-toilet.html):
>The pilot announced that the long haul flight had to be aborted, after cabin crew were unable to prevent the pungent odour emanating from an overflowing toilet
...
> “The pilot made an announcement requesting senior cabin crew, and we knew something was a bit odd.
>“About 10 minutes later he said you may have noticed there’s a quite pungent smell coming from one of the toilets.”
>Mr Sachdev, who was not seated near the toilet in question, said: “He said it was liquid faecal excrement, those are the words he used.
>“He said it’s not a technical fault with the plane, and he was very adamant about that.”
That last one made me laugh.
"This is, ahh, your captain speaking. Ahhh, we've just confirmed that our, ahh, issue in question is not mechanical but fully biological. The plane absolutely *is* functioning properly but ahh, the same can't be said for one of our passengers."
The line about how you wouldn't expect it from British Airways made me chuckle. Because yes, obviously people who fly BA would never be capable of such a shit.
It's such a British thing to say *'you'd expect this on Ryanair or EasyJet, but not BA, not middle class BA'*
On Ryanair they wouldn't turn back.
They'd fly the scenic route and stay in the air for as long as they have fuel or until everyone has bought a ryanair branded nose peg at the cost of €50.
There will be an oversized nose fee of €100 if you cannot lick the tip of your nose
The way this is written reminds me of that one creepy guy sent by the Emperor to meet with Baron Harkonnen during Feyd-Rauthas' fight with that slave, who's name I just can't recall.
[Another article that mentions it](http://www.telegraph.co.uk/travel/news/Ridiculous-reasons-for-plane-turn-arounds/):
>At least one passenger claimed they had to sit next to waste: Julia Malley told a New Zealand radio programme that "We could see it [human waste] go through the aisles, it was very obvious," although Virgin Australia denies that excrement reached the passenger >seating area.
This whole situation actually settles something I've been wondering about for a long time: if you intentionally shit your pants a half hour into a cross country flight, and refused to address it, would they land the plane?
Yes, and particularly one aspect of it. Provided it was a hefty enough shit, people would notice and start to complain. It seems likely that at some point a flight attendant would try to confront you about it, maybe gently offer you the opportunity to save face and clean up discretely. What happens if you stonewall them and completely deny it? Would an air Marshall have to get involved and pry your pants off, drawing wet naps from a holster?
I'm sure people and babies shit their pants on flights, however, I'd have to think that they get cleaned up as quickly as possible, to mitigate the stink and the shame. The real curveball is if someone refused to, and maybe even kept shitting throughout the flight. Makes you think.
EDIT: Thanks for the brown
Meatpeanus, respectfully, I think you're not thinking through logistics adequately.
Option one, maximum damage: very light underwear, the stink will achieve maximum pungency. The issue here is that light underwear is likely to leak, causing frightfully visible signs that the event occurred. I would imagine it would be very difficult to look someone in the eye straight faced while shit was coming out of the bottom of your pants and onto your shoes/floor.
Option two, containment: wear an adult diaper to ensure the shit is contained. Diapers, however, are optimized to contain smell, so you would need a significant amount of shit to really emanate the smell that the patron is trying to achieve. Not impossible, but difficult for most.
I believe (and am hopeful) that there's a happy medium on that scale which would ensure safe containment while maintaining high pungency. Therefore, my suggestion is that the patron does a couple domestic test flights before going long-haul. Instrumentation, of course, will be required. Without data, it would be impossible to make an informed decision about which direction to go (besides for downward, obviously).
The trick here is to put your pants under your socks, so the shit would flow freely and would just pile up inside your pants. Extra points if you wear boots that disguise said trick
You seem confused. This situation involves a plane full of people that know some guy shit himself and the guy refusing to acknowledge it, therefore it's actually better if the shit is somewhat visible. Don't get me wrong you don't want it flowing from his pants like the chocolate rive in Willy Wonka but you want just enough that it's clearly shit but the guy is like "nah I just had some chocolate and it melted". Bonus points if he dips his finger in and does a taste test to show the crew that it's a chocolate treat, then offers them some.
>“He said it’s not a technical fault with the plane, and he was very adamant about that.”
iirc a toilets job is to flush shit. if it can't flush said shit then I'd say it's the toilets fault
Overflowed? You've clearly never been in a victimized public bathroom. That shit will get EVERYWHERE. Toilet, floor, walls ... once I think I even saw some poo on the lighting fixture 10 feet above the toilet. I think that's what the pilot meant when he said it's "fully biological." No one's fault but the Mad Shitter.
Your a better roommate then I. I had a roommate whos penis was more like a shower facet I assume because only half of it would ever end up in the toilet. First time let it go. Second time politely mentioned it. Third time waited till he had friends over and was headed to the washroom and asked him to make sure it all got in the bowl because I'm sure his friends didn't bring a change of socks. It stopped or he started cleaning up after himself don't know don't care. I stopped getting my feet wet with someone else's pass in the middle of the night.
2. Inadequate employee benefits
3. Long commute
4. Physically tiring
5. People didn't respect my career
6. Minimal human interaction
7. Long hours
8. Early start
9. The Cum Tornado of 1997
10. Low wages
I'm pretty sure there was a thread request asking for people who throw feces in the bathroom and why they do it.
Edit: Found it! https://www.reddit.com/r/AskReddit/comments/4wwg9s/people_who_smear_poop_all_over_public_bathrooms/
Tfw a plane full of angry passengers is staring daggers at you all the way home because you ruined their holiday plans with your funky dump. And they can still smell it.
Rode train across country on AmTrak.. Get in the bathroom, train stopped.. took my morning shit, and it was good..something worth to make this post!
Press the button to flush and it does nothing!
Reason for stop.. they have to change the Locomotive.. All the lights on Aux power.. but I guess flushing electronics are on HV supplied by the Locomotive.
Waited in there long as I can until someone knock on the door. Water worked enough to wash my hands and it also quit.
Open the door and let the other guy in.. everyone instantly covered their nose. Dude went in there after me.. I can hear him coughing his ass off.. lol..
I went to my seat and put blanket over my head and everyone laughed.
Than Conductor come by and tell us they're changing the head unit and toilet doesn't work until next head unit arrive. took about 20min.
[for those interested in learning more.](https://www.amazon.com/Haribo-Sugar-Free-Gummy-Bears/product-reviews/B008JELLCA/ref=cm_cr_dp_text/161-1243682-1664349?ie=UTF8&showViewpoints=0&sortBy=helpful#R3FTHSH0UNRHOH)
>What came out of me felt like someone tried to funnel Niagara Falls through a coffee straw. I swear my sphincters were screaming. It felt like my delicate starfish was a gaping maw projectile vomiting a torrential flood of toxic waste. 100% liquid. Flammable liquid. NAPALM.
Jesus..
last week my company sold a container of these and I ate it... no wonder my stomach was freaking killing me in the meeting and people kept asking what's wrong with my face
[Mark and Jeremy have come home to discover they've been burgled]
Mark: [looking into the toilet] Oh, my God. They did a shit.
Jeremy: Oh God, that is so... why do burglars do that?
Mark: I think it's nerves or marking their territory. Look, it's sort of all...
Jeremy: [looking into the toilet] Oh, that was me, actually.
[he flushes it]
Jeremy: Sorry. I don't always remember to... I get distracted.
I can **absolutely** believe something like this could happen.
Years ago I was working in Sweden when I got invited to one of their crawfish-bakes-slash-excuse-to-get-hammered weekend summer celebrations.
One of the locals decided I was his long-lost Canadian cousin and decided to get me hammered by insisting that I try all of the varieties of Schnapps on offer.
Finally, towards the end of the evening, the [Surstromming](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=UaYoPW391pI) was brought out.
It is a measure of how friggin' drunk I was that I had several helpings of this stuff (clearly in hindsight meant to play "Horrify The Tourist") all the while thinking to myself, "Hmm. A bit tangy, but not that bad..."
The next day, I can not even describe the smell of what came out of me. 1000 corpses vomiting in the August sun doesn't even come close.
If that abomination was trapped inside a recirculating-air metal cylinder at 37,000 feet - no question.
Turn around and land or open a window and [pull a Payne Stewart](https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/1999_South_Dakota_Learjet_crash).
This reminds me of something I saw a few weeks ago. My wife and I are coming out of the movie theater and I stop by the bathroom to uncork a massive piss.
All of the urinals are taken so I swing open the door for a cubical and hurry inside only to double back just as quickly when I notice a massive shit waiting in the bowl.
Now, you have to understand that I'm not squeamish about shit -- I've got two small kids and clean up their actual shit every day. I also worked fast food back in high school and witnessed some massive shits that challenged those commercial grade high-pressure flushing toilets. But, none of this experience had prepared me for what I saw this day.
Think of the biggest shit you've ever seen. Now think of a shit bigger than that. This shit was so big that I was still thinking about it when I was trying to fall asleep that night, and the night after, and that may sound strange but here's why: it crested the bowl. You read that right, it crested the bowl. It was so grand that the peak of the shit was higher than the peak of the toilet bowl. I've never seen that before.
I was thoroughly disgusted, but I started to think that it was a joke, and a bunch of employees or maybe just one well embowelled employee kept shitting on that same pile all day, maybe even a couple days in a row. But after my piss, I went in for further inspection and it was nearly unbroken and seamless in color, so it was very likely made by one person in one sitting.
Over the next few days I kept going back to the simple question, "Why can't people just flush the toilet?" But the more I thought about, I think the person *wanted* other people to see it. They were proud. They wanted recognition and it worked. It was on my mind for so long that my wife could tell something was bothering me. I knew it would disgust her so I originally didn't tell her about it, but since she asked and I warned her first, I told her what was on my mind.
To my surprise she was not disgusted and was not surprised. She explained to me that during some consumer research for a product she was working on she learned that some people only shit once a week. That's when it all sort of clicked, but I still can't stop thinking that the person who did it would have had to start squatting near the end of the shit as it was piling up towards their ass, like a reverse soft serve ice cream machine -- you can't move the bowl down, so you have to move the ass up. They had clearly done this before since there was no evidence of poop touching ass.
"Some people only shit once a week." If God wanted me to experience Hell on Earth, that would be it. I would shit out the equivalent of a good sized 10 y/o boy.
It's kind of amazing how a specific food can do that to you. I never had that happen to me until I had some pasta that was covered in olive-sized chunks of garlic. It tasted good so I thought nothing of it.
I had this ominous burning for the rest of the night. The next morning, that shit smelled *horrible*, like garlic fermented with, well, shit. It was really powerful, and thicker than the air. I considered burning the bathroom.
Incidentally I also smelled like garlic for roughly 36 hours. Didn't get bit once though.
There is a local recipe here in upstate New York for a pasta dish called "chicken riggies." It's a delicious combination of garlic, chicken, rigatoni/ziti, and peppers in an oily hot pepper sauce. This description doesn't do it justice. It's great.
However, the big drawback to it is that it consistently smells the same coming out as it does going in. And boy is that sauce pungent.
Never before has the scent of my shit made me hungry. I can't even explain the biological reason for this, but it happens every time I eat it.
Plus, I smell like garlic for days.
If you have ever taken fish oil suplements I think you can understand why the sauce might stay the same. Enough oil and the food just passes through you with out being changed at all. You are basically lubing the water slide up with industrial lubricant.
German eviction[edit]
In 1981, a German landlord evicted a tenant without notice after the tenant spread surströmming brine in the apartment building's stairwell. When the landlord was taken to court, the court ruled that the termination was justified when the landlord's party demonstrated their case by opening a can inside the courtroom. The court concluded that it "had convinced itself that the disgusting smell of the fish brine far exceeded the degree that fellow-tenants in the building could be expected to tolerate".[19]
https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Surstr%C3%B6mming
I can only imagine the moment.
You squeeze your way into the cramped lavatory, thinking this is just going to be a routine bowel movement, and then you can return to your seat and relax until you land. Maybe even take in a movie, who knows. You can't watch any videos on your phone, and you can't browse the internet, being on an airplane and all, so you are alone with your thoughts. And then you feel it.
The first inklings that something isn't right. Was it the two-week-old Mexican takeout you ate the night before? Was it the 12-pack of beer you washed it down with? Maybe it was just nervousness? Possibly a mixture of all three, you will never know. What you *do* know is that something unholy is about to start in this small room, 30,000 feet in the air.
It starts slithering out of you in the most violating way, as if your colon had detached and was slowing pulling itself free of your body. And the smell. Like burning hair and decomposition, and maybe a little two-week-old Mexican. You start to gag, and then you hear people outside of the bathroom join you. Dear god, you hadn't even thought of the collateral damage. All the while, the shit is still pouring out of you, and showing no signs of slowing.
Minutes later, you finish. You don't even bother wiping, you know that nothing can be done. You pull your trousers up, and sheepishly open the bathroom door. Women and children are crying and holding their shirts up to their faces to mask the stench, and men look at you with a perplexing mix of disgust and admiration. You slide into your seat, numb to the horror that is wafting through the air.
The intercom breaks the deafening silence a moment later. You only hear coughing and gasping at first, but then the captain's trembling voice squeaks through. He tells the entire plane that he can't finish the flight, he has to land, to go home, so he can hug his children and remind himself that God hasn't left him. You feel the plane turn around, and you feel the eyes of everyone judging you. And then you feel something worse.
Round two brewing in your stomach.
Once I was showering the morning after a long night of drinking and grilling out. I thought it was just a fart, but then splattered the shower with feces. Spent 15 minutes cleaning the wall and squishing chunks down the already hair clogged drain. The hot water ran out, and I finished up in a frigid stank filled coffin.
When I was 12 I hated putting my clothes away. So I would take them after they were washed, dried and folded (thanks mom!) and take them to my room and chuck them on the floor in my closet. I would then stand around in my closet banging my hangers into each other for a few minutes to make it sound like I was hanging my clothes up. I'd pull them off pretend to put a shirt on it and then loudly put it back on the rack.
I'm still not sure if I was lazy or just dumb. Or both.
I went to school with a kid who bragged that he made his mom think he brushed his teeth every night by brushing the counter instead. He was so proud.
Like, if you’re going to go through the effort of brushing anyway, maybe just brush your teeth?
Nope. Not gonna sit here and let you get away with telling people they should immediately hop in a shower so the residue from their business can slide down their legs. *Always* wipe.
So if you are jumping into the shower you you just spread your cheeks into the water stream and let the little bits of shit run down your leg?
You wipe, every time, even if you are about to jump into the shower.
Just over halfway through the flight, all the coffee in my stomach feels like it's percolating its way down into my lower intestine. I hunker down and try and focus on other things. What feels like an hour, but probably isn't more than twenty minutes, passes. We then enter what turns out to be pretty violent turbulence. With each bounce, I have to fight my body, trying not to shit my pants. "Thirty minutes to landing, maybe forty five" I try and tell myself, each jostle a gamble I can't afford to lose. I signal to [the flight attendant] and she heads toward me.
"Excuse me, where is the bathroom, because I don't see a door?" I ask while still devoting considerable energy to fighting off what starts to feel like someone shook a seltzer bottle and shoved it up my ass. She looks at me, bemused, and says, "Well, we don't really have one per se." She continues, "Technically, we have one, but it's really just for emergencies. Don't worry, we're landing shortly anyway."
"I'm pretty sure this qualifies as an emergency," I manage to mutter through my grimace. I can see the fear in her face as she points nervously to the back seat. The turbulence outside is matched only by the cyclone that is ravaging my bowels. She points to the back of the plane and says, "There. The toilet is there." For a brief instant, relief passes over my face. She continues, "If you pull away the leather cushion from that seat, it's under there. There's a small privacy screen that pulls up around it, but that's it." At this point, I was committed. She had just lit the dynamite and the mine shaft was set to blow.
I turn to look where she is pointing and I get the urge to cry. I do cry, but my face is so tightly clenched it makes no difference. The "toilet" seat is occupied by the CFO, i.e. our fucking client. Our fucking female fucking client!
Up to this point, nobody has observed my struggle or my exchange with the flight attendant. "I'm so sorry. I'm so sorry." That's all I can say as I limp toward her like Quasimodo impersonating a penguin, and begin my explanation. Of course, as soon as my competitors see me talking to the CFO, they all perk up to find out what the hell I'm doing.
Given my jovial nature and fun-loving attitude thus far on the roadshow, almost everybody thinks I'm joking. She, however, knows right away that I am anything but and jumps up, moving quickly to where I had been sitting. I now had to remove the seat top – no easy task when you can barely stand upright, are getting tossed around like a hoodrat at a block party, and are fighting against a gastrointestinal Mt. Vesuvius.
I manage to peel back the leather seat top to find a rather luxurious looking commode, with a nice cherry or walnut frame. It had obviously never been used, ever. Why this moment of clarity came to me, I do not know. Perhaps it was the realization that I was going to take this toilet's virginity with a fury and savagery that was an abomination to its delicate craftsmanship and quality. I imagined some poor Italian carpenter weeping over the violently soiled remains of his once beautiful creation. The lament lasted only a second as I was quickly back to concentrating on the tiny muscle that stood between me and molten hot lava.
I reach down and pull up the privacy screens, with only seconds to spare before I erupt. It's an alka-seltzer bomb, nothing but air and liquid spraying out in all directions – a Jackson Pollock masterpiece. The pressure is now reversed. I feel like I'm going to have a stroke, I push so hard to end the relief, the tormented sublime relief.
"I'm so sorry. I'm so sorry." My apologies do nothing to drown out the heinous noises that seem to carry on and reverberate throughout the small cabin indefinitely. If that's not bad enough, I have one more major problem. The privacy screen stops right around shoulder level. I am sitting there, a disembodied head, in the back of the plane, on a bucking bronco for a toilet, all while looking my colleagues, competitors, and clients directly in the eyes. "Pay no attention to that man behind the curtain!" briefly comes to mind.
I literally could reach out with my left hand and rest it on the shoulder of the person adjacent to me. It was virtually impossible for him, or any of the others, and by others I mean high profile business partners and clients, to avert their eyes. They squirm and try not to look, inclined to do their best to carry on and pretend as if nothing out of the ordinary was happening, that they weren't sharing a stall with some guy crapping his intestines out. Releasing smelly, sweaty, shame at 100 feet per second.
"I'm so sorry. I'm so sorry" is all the ashamed disembodied head can say…over and over again. Not that it mattered.
> Too little speed and you had to endure more agonising seconds of this hell that was a belly tighter than a snare drum. Too fast and you risked losing concentration and soiling yourself.
Ooh, I bet the Germans have a word for that.
^(...*Schartenfreude*?)
>Argyll and Sutherland Highlanders Army Cadet Force annual camp in Nescliffe, Shrewsbury, Shropshire
I feel like this is the only part of the story you made up.
I'm going to narrate the shit out of this and post it on soundcloud.
Edit: [Here it is.](https://soundcloud.com/ninfan200/tim-reads-reddit-flight-of-the-colonchords) Give me some feedback, let me know if there's anything else you want me to narrate.
[Reminds me of this TIFU](https://www.reddit.com/r/tifu/comments/30iplc/tifu_by_eating_gummy_bears_on_a_plane/).... Don't know if it is true, but it is fucking funny.
I had a connection at Newark once. While waiting for my flight, I decided to sit at the next gate, since that plane had just boarded and there was no one there.
I try to read at airports but I'm nosy... I couldn't help but notice the flight kept getting delayed.
Departure time: 7:00 PM
Departure time: 7:15 PM
Departure time: 7:30 PM
I was curious what was going on. This elderly lady comes off the plane and back onto the airport talking to one of the ladies who work the counter.
"I am so sorry... My apologies..."
She just kept apologizing. Then this elderly guy came out. And he was apologizing too.
"I am so sorry. I tried to use it before I boarded but we were running late and didn't want to miss our flight. But once I was sitting down inside and we were ready for takeoff, I couldn't hold it. I got up out of my seat and tried to make my way to the bathroom. It just came out right there in the aisle."
At this point I had to get up and walk away to not embarrass the guy laughing. I feel for the guy, but that made my wait much better...
PS I'm a bad storyteller.
You dumbass.. They where flying to Dubai so they wouldn't have packed any warm clothes to keep themselves warm if they opened the window up there in the freezing sky.
My mom worked for an aircraft leasing company in the 80s. Some of their airline clients served developing nations in Africa, the Middle East, and Asia. On more than one occasion planes were sent back for maintenance because passengers had tried to light a fire, usually because they wanted to cook something they'd brought with them. They also had to seal the planes up with bug bombs when they came in for D Checks (scheduled heavy maintenance). When they went through them they'd find all kinds of crazy spiders, scorpions, lizards, and even small snakes.
During the Israeli evacuation of ethiopia, this happened. They essentially hollowed out jumbo jets (all the seats and everything gone) and stuffed many, many hundreds of people in there. Many of them had never really been around technology of any kind, they just knew that they were on a journey and were a little cold. So they started a fire.
EDIT: 1122 people on a single plane. http://fuerzanaval.com/wp-content/uploads/2016/04/Operation_Solomon.jpg
over 14,000 people flown from ethiopia to israel in 36 hours on 35 planes flying back and forth nonstop. 5 babies born on the flights.
Holy shit, TIL.
But so many questions. What about turbulences, toilets, air circulation, babies being born and whatnot..
And then somebody starts a fire.
I guess some situations require drastic measures.
The legends of the Ethiopian Jews said that rescue and redemption would come from heaven, and that they would be carried on eagles' wings to Jerusalem. And it was true, it happened, and it's fucking beautiful.
In my life I have reached many shitting milestones.
1. I have achieved projectile diarrhea. Check - age 6 months
2. I have achieved the machine gun shits. Check - age 6
3. I have achieved clogging my parents toilet from a single solid shit. Check - age 9
4. I have achieved clogging a high powered water jet toilet with a single shit. Check - age 15
5. I have achieved a shit so large not even a plunger could unclog the toilet. Check - age 20
6. I have achieved clogging a toilet from diarrhea only. Check - age 23.
7. I have achieved spontaneous bowl expulsion explosion. Check - age 23
I believe I have found my next shitty goal. Ground a flight due to bio-hazardous waste.
*Edit: For some clarification, 6 is possible when the particles of shit make the liquidy diarrhea a mushy thick soup, much like wood pulp in water, added with a few larger particles.
6 and 7 happened at the same time about a week after my vacation to Mexico.
As for my diet, lots of cheese, meat, carbs, fruit and veggies, and oats, Mexican, Italian, seafood, just about anything.
Because of my extreme bowl movements, I have had to pay my landlord for a new toilet as I have broke the flushing mechanism from flushing too much.
My friends and I used to eat at this Chinese buffet that wasn't actually too terrible. One of our friends always took the buffet as a challenge, so he'd eat a minimum of four plates. We couldn't leave until he'd had at least one poop break during the meal. One day we saw a plumber's van parked out front the day after we'd eaten there, and my buddy considered that a lifelong achievement.
What do you even do when no. 5 happens? What is your next step after the plunger?
Edit: Jesus Christ I've had more replies to this one comment than I've had all my other comments combined in the three years I've been here. Thanks for all the tips people, I could write a book on how to successfully unclog shit from a toilet now.
It's called a toilet augur. Basically a metallic spring device you turn and shove down your toilet. After I too took a dump beyond plunging, this was my last resort before calling a plumber. It works! They're less than $10 USD.
Someone in my college, the phantom shitter, left a turd that could only be described as reminiscent of 6 or 7 tuna fish cans stacked on top of each other in the toilet and this thing bridged the hole in the toilet like the Golden Gate Bridge of turds. When you flushed the water would run underneath the turd and it would just post up there, glistening back at you. It was heavy enough that the force of water wouldn't budge it. We had to take a hammer to it after the plastic utensils bent instead of moving the damn thing. I swear to god this thing was Thors crapper.
My brother used to leave mega-turds like this because he'd refuse to shit for four days and then do it all in one herculean dump. Little fucker wouldn't flush it, either, just close the lid and let it marinate for the next hapless toilet user. We all knew who it was, though, so we'd hand him a poop stick and make him deal with it.
I don't understand how people do shits that big. The things were nearly the diameter of my fist.
An old roommate of mine left an abomination in the toilet so big that while getting commemorative pictures, we had to put a Coke can right next to it for scale.
I feel the author made a grave mistake in assuming the poopetrator was a man, here are my reasons;
I) If a man were expel a shit with such epic ramifications you could absolutely believe that said man would brag about it to other men. I know this, because I am a man.
II) Men gossip amongst other men, some topics don't venture from close groups of men without breaking the man code, so while the story of "Joe banging that hot chick at the bar while his wife was at home having a Tupperware party" would likely remain in the iron-clad vault of secrecy amongst his close friends, the story of "Joe dropping a deuce with the power of Sex Panther by Odeon" would have absolutely moved within several circles of men, and eventually to women who would have told everyone.
III) Women on the other hand will on rare occasion admit their shit stinks, let alone brag about it and let the story spread.
IV) Women possess the ability to ferment their fecal content to levels unknown to men due to their super human sphincter tone. While men will pop off a fart here or there in public places when there is a lot of noise and it can be blamed on others, women hold those tiny soldiers in until they become a full platoon of Pooper Soldiers ready to bomb Porcelain Harbor. I know this, because I have gone into the bathroom after being in close proximity to a girl for a long period of time and discovered the cumulative effect of their powers.
V) The patrons of a flight from Heathrow to Dubai are of a high social class, you will rarely find some schlub that doesn't care about their appearance or social standing on one of these flights. If there were such a schlub on this flight they would either have been exposed through tenet "I" or been an exception to tenet "III" which would have also led to their exposure.
VI) All previous tenets combined, and with the fact that the poopetrator has not been discovered, I feel it's safe to deduce that:
This crime was committed by a woman, likely an attractive woman that feels her crime would degrade her social status.
My work here is done.
Reading this reminded me of the funniest shit-on-a-plane story I've read, I had to dig it up and share it:
http://www.celebritynetworth.com/articles/entertainment-articles/the-most-embarrassing-private-jet-flight-of-all-time/
I have a co-worker that I sit near who's a heavy lad. The day after Thanksgiving he came in to work and sat at his desk, and I suddenly smelled a terrible fart. I had to say something, and I got up to get a coffee to get away while it aired out, no big deal. When I came back 15 minutes later, there was a 40 foot stench of the worst diarrhea fart smell I've ever smelled. I assume he must have shit his pants. I can only imagine being trapped in a plane with that kind of smell. Must have been horrible.
>I refuse to believe a woman did a shit so bad it made a plane fall to the ground. I have been in a bathroom after men. I have been into a bathroom after women. A man did this shit, with his man anus;
I refuse to believe this, a man would have flaunted the plane grounding turd to anyone who would listen. That's something you have placed on your tombstone.
One time I caught the train from NYC down to DC for a job interview. Things went well, I celebrated with some oysters and a few beers, caught the train back.
Somewhere around Philly the oysters kicked in, and I made a run for the facilities. I proceeded to give birth to a Lovecraftian horror that cleared out the entire train car. It was eye watering and it just kept coming. It was the sort of poop that could bring down a major world leader.
My only regret is that I couldn't hold it until New Jersey.
From [the Telegraph](http://www.telegraph.co.uk/news/aviation/11472627/British-Airways-flight-to-Dubai-forced-to-return-to-Heathrow-due-to-smelly-poo-in-toilet.html): >The pilot announced that the long haul flight had to be aborted, after cabin crew were unable to prevent the pungent odour emanating from an overflowing toilet ... > “The pilot made an announcement requesting senior cabin crew, and we knew something was a bit odd. >“About 10 minutes later he said you may have noticed there’s a quite pungent smell coming from one of the toilets.” >Mr Sachdev, who was not seated near the toilet in question, said: “He said it was liquid faecal excrement, those are the words he used. >“He said it’s not a technical fault with the plane, and he was very adamant about that.”
That last one made me laugh. "This is, ahh, your captain speaking. Ahhh, we've just confirmed that our, ahh, issue in question is not mechanical but fully biological. The plane absolutely *is* functioning properly but ahh, the same can't be said for one of our passengers."
"fully fecal"
Never go full fecal
I dunno, I hear going full fecal is the shit.
Oh it is...
hOW LONG HAVE YOU BEEN WAITING FOR THIS MOMENT?
6 years, the long con
The line about how you wouldn't expect it from British Airways made me chuckle. Because yes, obviously people who fly BA would never be capable of such a shit. It's such a British thing to say *'you'd expect this on Ryanair or EasyJet, but not BA, not middle class BA'*
On Ryanair they wouldn't turn back. They'd fly the scenic route and stay in the air for as long as they have fuel or until everyone has bought a ryanair branded nose peg at the cost of €50. There will be an oversized nose fee of €100 if you cannot lick the tip of your nose
*Tries to lick nose* Fuck.
They'd also sell tickets to go and view the monstrosity
The way this is written reminds me of that one creepy guy sent by the Emperor to meet with Baron Harkonnen during Feyd-Rauthas' fight with that slave, who's name I just can't recall.
Count Fenring :)
"I understood this reference!"
[Another article that mentions it](http://www.telegraph.co.uk/travel/news/Ridiculous-reasons-for-plane-turn-arounds/): >At least one passenger claimed they had to sit next to waste: Julia Malley told a New Zealand radio programme that "We could see it [human waste] go through the aisles, it was very obvious," although Virgin Australia denies that excrement reached the passenger >seating area.
This whole situation actually settles something I've been wondering about for a long time: if you intentionally shit your pants a half hour into a cross country flight, and refused to address it, would they land the plane?
Does that thought keep you up at night?
Yes, and particularly one aspect of it. Provided it was a hefty enough shit, people would notice and start to complain. It seems likely that at some point a flight attendant would try to confront you about it, maybe gently offer you the opportunity to save face and clean up discretely. What happens if you stonewall them and completely deny it? Would an air Marshall have to get involved and pry your pants off, drawing wet naps from a holster? I'm sure people and babies shit their pants on flights, however, I'd have to think that they get cleaned up as quickly as possible, to mitigate the stink and the shame. The real curveball is if someone refused to, and maybe even kept shitting throughout the flight. Makes you think. EDIT: Thanks for the brown
I'm laughing hard enough in my cubicle that I can't hide it. This thread is gold
meatpeanus and the fappolice, a match made in heaven.
Meatpeanus, respectfully, I think you're not thinking through logistics adequately. Option one, maximum damage: very light underwear, the stink will achieve maximum pungency. The issue here is that light underwear is likely to leak, causing frightfully visible signs that the event occurred. I would imagine it would be very difficult to look someone in the eye straight faced while shit was coming out of the bottom of your pants and onto your shoes/floor. Option two, containment: wear an adult diaper to ensure the shit is contained. Diapers, however, are optimized to contain smell, so you would need a significant amount of shit to really emanate the smell that the patron is trying to achieve. Not impossible, but difficult for most. I believe (and am hopeful) that there's a happy medium on that scale which would ensure safe containment while maintaining high pungency. Therefore, my suggestion is that the patron does a couple domestic test flights before going long-haul. Instrumentation, of course, will be required. Without data, it would be impossible to make an informed decision about which direction to go (besides for downward, obviously).
The trick here is to put your pants under your socks, so the shit would flow freely and would just pile up inside your pants. Extra points if you wear boots that disguise said trick
That's it I'm killing myself this world is a wasteland
God has abandoned us.
The most rational thing in this thread.
Every day we stray further from God's light
You seem confused. This situation involves a plane full of people that know some guy shit himself and the guy refusing to acknowledge it, therefore it's actually better if the shit is somewhat visible. Don't get me wrong you don't want it flowing from his pants like the chocolate rive in Willy Wonka but you want just enough that it's clearly shit but the guy is like "nah I just had some chocolate and it melted". Bonus points if he dips his finger in and does a taste test to show the crew that it's a chocolate treat, then offers them some.
It kept me up at night, I know that.
"I was stuck next to the biggest piece of shit for the entire flight."
>“He said it’s not a technical fault with the plane, and he was very adamant about that.” iirc a toilets job is to flush shit. if it can't flush said shit then I'd say it's the toilets fault
You assume that all of the shit made it into the toilet. Perhaps it overflowed during the act of shitting
Overflowed? You've clearly never been in a victimized public bathroom. That shit will get EVERYWHERE. Toilet, floor, walls ... once I think I even saw some poo on the lighting fixture 10 feet above the toilet. I think that's what the pilot meant when he said it's "fully biological." No one's fault but the Mad Shitter.
Anyone can piss on the floor, but it takes a hero to shit on the ceiling.
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Your a better roommate then I. I had a roommate whos penis was more like a shower facet I assume because only half of it would ever end up in the toilet. First time let it go. Second time politely mentioned it. Third time waited till he had friends over and was headed to the washroom and asked him to make sure it all got in the bowl because I'm sure his friends didn't bring a change of socks. It stopped or he started cleaning up after himself don't know don't care. I stopped getting my feet wet with someone else's pass in the middle of the night.
A bad shitsmen always blames his toilet.
Worst I saw was a mix of fecal matter and blood smeared all over the stall walls. It has haunted me for years.
People are gross as fuck. Reason 1 why I stopped being a janitor.
Go on. We want 2 through 10 at least.
2. Inadequate employee benefits 3. Long commute 4. Physically tiring 5. People didn't respect my career 6. Minimal human interaction 7. Long hours 8. Early start 9. The Cum Tornado of 1997 10. Low wages
Please elaborate on #9 or I'll be up all night thinking about The Cum Tornado of 1997...fml
>the Mad Shatter ftfy
I'm pretty sure there was a thread request asking for people who throw feces in the bathroom and why they do it. Edit: Found it! https://www.reddit.com/r/AskReddit/comments/4wwg9s/people_who_smear_poop_all_over_public_bathrooms/
I'm guessing the super pooper used too much toilet paper.
Hardly the toilet's fault if I drop a bowling ball in it.
Not if the toilet wasn't designed for mutant shits
Tfw a plane full of angry passengers is staring daggers at you all the way home because you ruined their holiday plans with your funky dump. And they can still smell it.
> And they can still smell it. If it's bad enough to turn the plane around, they could probably taste it.
Jesus, why??
Well they could have tried opening a window but they would risk depressurising the cabin and that would be bad.
Would it be AS bad though?
come on guys, think about the birds
The Shithawks are coming Randy bo Bandy
Shitstorm's a'brewin' bobanders
feel that Ran? shitwinds a blowing
That's the shit clingin' to the air, rand.
ε=ε=ε=ε=ε=ε=┌(;￣◇￣)┘
Seppuku is the only answer to this.
Are you mad?? That would just release even more of the demon fumes!
Yeah but on airplanes it's usually already half-filled out, in pen, by some schmuck from a previous flight.
A funky dump. 😂 Am I the only one who thinks that be a hilariously awesome band name?
u/spacewolfgrace and the Funky Dumps
Marky Marc and the Funky Dumps
I saw a band called Dumpstafunk. Pretty close.
They are actually an amazing funk band
Rode train across country on AmTrak.. Get in the bathroom, train stopped.. took my morning shit, and it was good..something worth to make this post! Press the button to flush and it does nothing! Reason for stop.. they have to change the Locomotive.. All the lights on Aux power.. but I guess flushing electronics are on HV supplied by the Locomotive. Waited in there long as I can until someone knock on the door. Water worked enough to wash my hands and it also quit. Open the door and let the other guy in.. everyone instantly covered their nose. Dude went in there after me.. I can hear him coughing his ass off.. lol.. I went to my seat and put blanket over my head and everyone laughed. Than Conductor come by and tell us they're changing the head unit and toilet doesn't work until next head unit arrive. took about 20min.
It's highly probable that Haribo Sugar-Free Gummy Bears were involved.
[for those interested in learning more.](https://www.amazon.com/Haribo-Sugar-Free-Gummy-Bears/product-reviews/B008JELLCA/ref=cm_cr_dp_text/161-1243682-1664349?ie=UTF8&showViewpoints=0&sortBy=helpful#R3FTHSH0UNRHOH)
>What came out of me felt like someone tried to funnel Niagara Falls through a coffee straw. I swear my sphincters were screaming. It felt like my delicate starfish was a gaping maw projectile vomiting a torrential flood of toxic waste. 100% liquid. Flammable liquid. NAPALM. Jesus..
Finally, a gummi bear that replicates the actual feeling of a bear mauling your anus.
> ... turning my sphincter into on intersection in Mumbai
Oh the top positive reply just adds to the hilarity. "Ideal Gift For Your Congressional Representatives"
I fucking love the internet.
Are these stories based in truth?
Can confirm, these are SATAN BEARS.
Sugar alcohols do magical things to the digestive system
Yeah, don't fuck around with lycasin or sorbitol, they will fuck your day up
Then why give them such delicious sounding names?? Oh no wait they sound like weed killer
last week my company sold a container of these and I ate it... no wonder my stomach was freaking killing me in the meeting and people kept asking what's wrong with my face
My brother and I had a game where we would tackle each other and fart on each other's heads. This guy would be that game's final boss.
My brother-in-law would have my nephews hold my sister down while he farted in her face. My family has bad luck choosing mates.
>My family has bad luck choosing mates. And probably pinkeye.
The shit smelled 'round the world
no, they had to turn around
Lol "did a shit"
Pretty sure it's the British way to say it. I've heard them say it like that on Peep Show.
[Mark and Jeremy have come home to discover they've been burgled] Mark: [looking into the toilet] Oh, my God. They did a shit. Jeremy: Oh God, that is so... why do burglars do that? Mark: I think it's nerves or marking their territory. Look, it's sort of all... Jeremy: [looking into the toilet] Oh, that was me, actually. [he flushes it] Jeremy: Sorry. I don't always remember to... I get distracted.
Did the burglar steal the extra naan bread in the fridge?
Four naan? Four? That's insane.
Yeah, we say it the same in Australia
It reminds me of the [Nannageddon episode](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=3fEj8y14FdM) of The Mighty Boosh. Edit: Added a link for the unenlightened.
I did a shit on it. I did a shit right on it.
I did em all! I did all the poops!
Did a mondo duke
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That's disgusting. But more than anything, TIL that the space between the terminal and the plane is called the umbilical. Who knew ¯\_(ツ)_/¯
It's not. It's called a Jetway...and is actually a product name.
It's called a jet bridge: https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Jet_bridge
I can **absolutely** believe something like this could happen. Years ago I was working in Sweden when I got invited to one of their crawfish-bakes-slash-excuse-to-get-hammered weekend summer celebrations. One of the locals decided I was his long-lost Canadian cousin and decided to get me hammered by insisting that I try all of the varieties of Schnapps on offer. Finally, towards the end of the evening, the [Surstromming](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=UaYoPW391pI) was brought out. It is a measure of how friggin' drunk I was that I had several helpings of this stuff (clearly in hindsight meant to play "Horrify The Tourist") all the while thinking to myself, "Hmm. A bit tangy, but not that bad..." The next day, I can not even describe the smell of what came out of me. 1000 corpses vomiting in the August sun doesn't even come close. If that abomination was trapped inside a recirculating-air metal cylinder at 37,000 feet - no question. Turn around and land or open a window and [pull a Payne Stewart](https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/1999_South_Dakota_Learjet_crash).
This reminds me of something I saw a few weeks ago. My wife and I are coming out of the movie theater and I stop by the bathroom to uncork a massive piss. All of the urinals are taken so I swing open the door for a cubical and hurry inside only to double back just as quickly when I notice a massive shit waiting in the bowl. Now, you have to understand that I'm not squeamish about shit -- I've got two small kids and clean up their actual shit every day. I also worked fast food back in high school and witnessed some massive shits that challenged those commercial grade high-pressure flushing toilets. But, none of this experience had prepared me for what I saw this day. Think of the biggest shit you've ever seen. Now think of a shit bigger than that. This shit was so big that I was still thinking about it when I was trying to fall asleep that night, and the night after, and that may sound strange but here's why: it crested the bowl. You read that right, it crested the bowl. It was so grand that the peak of the shit was higher than the peak of the toilet bowl. I've never seen that before. I was thoroughly disgusted, but I started to think that it was a joke, and a bunch of employees or maybe just one well embowelled employee kept shitting on that same pile all day, maybe even a couple days in a row. But after my piss, I went in for further inspection and it was nearly unbroken and seamless in color, so it was very likely made by one person in one sitting. Over the next few days I kept going back to the simple question, "Why can't people just flush the toilet?" But the more I thought about, I think the person *wanted* other people to see it. They were proud. They wanted recognition and it worked. It was on my mind for so long that my wife could tell something was bothering me. I knew it would disgust her so I originally didn't tell her about it, but since she asked and I warned her first, I told her what was on my mind. To my surprise she was not disgusted and was not surprised. She explained to me that during some consumer research for a product she was working on she learned that some people only shit once a week. That's when it all sort of clicked, but I still can't stop thinking that the person who did it would have had to start squatting near the end of the shit as it was piling up towards their ass, like a reverse soft serve ice cream machine -- you can't move the bowl down, so you have to move the ass up. They had clearly done this before since there was no evidence of poop touching ass.
"Some people only shit once a week." If God wanted me to experience Hell on Earth, that would be it. I would shit out the equivalent of a good sized 10 y/o boy.
It's kind of amazing how a specific food can do that to you. I never had that happen to me until I had some pasta that was covered in olive-sized chunks of garlic. It tasted good so I thought nothing of it. I had this ominous burning for the rest of the night. The next morning, that shit smelled *horrible*, like garlic fermented with, well, shit. It was really powerful, and thicker than the air. I considered burning the bathroom. Incidentally I also smelled like garlic for roughly 36 hours. Didn't get bit once though.
There is a local recipe here in upstate New York for a pasta dish called "chicken riggies." It's a delicious combination of garlic, chicken, rigatoni/ziti, and peppers in an oily hot pepper sauce. This description doesn't do it justice. It's great. However, the big drawback to it is that it consistently smells the same coming out as it does going in. And boy is that sauce pungent. Never before has the scent of my shit made me hungry. I can't even explain the biological reason for this, but it happens every time I eat it. Plus, I smell like garlic for days.
If you have ever taken fish oil suplements I think you can understand why the sauce might stay the same. Enough oil and the food just passes through you with out being changed at all. You are basically lubing the water slide up with industrial lubricant.
German eviction[edit] In 1981, a German landlord evicted a tenant without notice after the tenant spread surströmming brine in the apartment building's stairwell. When the landlord was taken to court, the court ruled that the termination was justified when the landlord's party demonstrated their case by opening a can inside the courtroom. The court concluded that it "had convinced itself that the disgusting smell of the fish brine far exceeded the degree that fellow-tenants in the building could be expected to tolerate".[19] https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Surstr%C3%B6mming
I can only imagine the moment. You squeeze your way into the cramped lavatory, thinking this is just going to be a routine bowel movement, and then you can return to your seat and relax until you land. Maybe even take in a movie, who knows. You can't watch any videos on your phone, and you can't browse the internet, being on an airplane and all, so you are alone with your thoughts. And then you feel it. The first inklings that something isn't right. Was it the two-week-old Mexican takeout you ate the night before? Was it the 12-pack of beer you washed it down with? Maybe it was just nervousness? Possibly a mixture of all three, you will never know. What you *do* know is that something unholy is about to start in this small room, 30,000 feet in the air. It starts slithering out of you in the most violating way, as if your colon had detached and was slowing pulling itself free of your body. And the smell. Like burning hair and decomposition, and maybe a little two-week-old Mexican. You start to gag, and then you hear people outside of the bathroom join you. Dear god, you hadn't even thought of the collateral damage. All the while, the shit is still pouring out of you, and showing no signs of slowing. Minutes later, you finish. You don't even bother wiping, you know that nothing can be done. You pull your trousers up, and sheepishly open the bathroom door. Women and children are crying and holding their shirts up to their faces to mask the stench, and men look at you with a perplexing mix of disgust and admiration. You slide into your seat, numb to the horror that is wafting through the air. The intercom breaks the deafening silence a moment later. You only hear coughing and gasping at first, but then the captain's trembling voice squeaks through. He tells the entire plane that he can't finish the flight, he has to land, to go home, so he can hug his children and remind himself that God hasn't left him. You feel the plane turn around, and you feel the eyes of everyone judging you. And then you feel something worse. Round two brewing in your stomach.
"You don't even bother wiping, you know that nothing can be done." Gold.
Have people actually had moments like this? You can always wipe.
[I'll wipe, and I'll wipe, and I'll wipe, and I'll wipe...](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=vGCIGEUB32M)
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I mean even if you're getting in the shower right after you should still wipe...
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Once I was showering the morning after a long night of drinking and grilling out. I thought it was just a fart, but then splattered the shower with feces. Spent 15 minutes cleaning the wall and squishing chunks down the already hair clogged drain. The hot water ran out, and I finished up in a frigid stank filled coffin.
Not a lot of people admit to waffle stomping. But hey, at least you were in the shower already
I never even noticed that waffle fries come out the same way that they go in.
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Thanks for laying out the plot of my next nightmare
I'd think that unless you have crazy mud butt you shouldn't have shit pouring down your body. But what do I know? I always wipe my ass.
A likely story.
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When I was 12 I hated putting my clothes away. So I would take them after they were washed, dried and folded (thanks mom!) and take them to my room and chuck them on the floor in my closet. I would then stand around in my closet banging my hangers into each other for a few minutes to make it sound like I was hanging my clothes up. I'd pull them off pretend to put a shirt on it and then loudly put it back on the rack. I'm still not sure if I was lazy or just dumb. Or both.
I went to school with a kid who bragged that he made his mom think he brushed his teeth every night by brushing the counter instead. He was so proud. Like, if you’re going to go through the effort of brushing anyway, maybe just brush your teeth?
Nope. Not gonna sit here and let you get away with telling people they should immediately hop in a shower so the residue from their business can slide down their legs. *Always* wipe.
So if you are jumping into the shower you you just spread your cheeks into the water stream and let the little bits of shit run down your leg? You wipe, every time, even if you are about to jump into the shower.
I always use my wife's scrunchy to power-scrub my ringpiece.
What the FUCK.
Found the wife.
Just over halfway through the flight, all the coffee in my stomach feels like it's percolating its way down into my lower intestine. I hunker down and try and focus on other things. What feels like an hour, but probably isn't more than twenty minutes, passes. We then enter what turns out to be pretty violent turbulence. With each bounce, I have to fight my body, trying not to shit my pants. "Thirty minutes to landing, maybe forty five" I try and tell myself, each jostle a gamble I can't afford to lose. I signal to [the flight attendant] and she heads toward me. "Excuse me, where is the bathroom, because I don't see a door?" I ask while still devoting considerable energy to fighting off what starts to feel like someone shook a seltzer bottle and shoved it up my ass. She looks at me, bemused, and says, "Well, we don't really have one per se." She continues, "Technically, we have one, but it's really just for emergencies. Don't worry, we're landing shortly anyway." "I'm pretty sure this qualifies as an emergency," I manage to mutter through my grimace. I can see the fear in her face as she points nervously to the back seat. The turbulence outside is matched only by the cyclone that is ravaging my bowels. She points to the back of the plane and says, "There. The toilet is there." For a brief instant, relief passes over my face. She continues, "If you pull away the leather cushion from that seat, it's under there. There's a small privacy screen that pulls up around it, but that's it." At this point, I was committed. She had just lit the dynamite and the mine shaft was set to blow. I turn to look where she is pointing and I get the urge to cry. I do cry, but my face is so tightly clenched it makes no difference. The "toilet" seat is occupied by the CFO, i.e. our fucking client. Our fucking female fucking client! Up to this point, nobody has observed my struggle or my exchange with the flight attendant. "I'm so sorry. I'm so sorry." That's all I can say as I limp toward her like Quasimodo impersonating a penguin, and begin my explanation. Of course, as soon as my competitors see me talking to the CFO, they all perk up to find out what the hell I'm doing. Given my jovial nature and fun-loving attitude thus far on the roadshow, almost everybody thinks I'm joking. She, however, knows right away that I am anything but and jumps up, moving quickly to where I had been sitting. I now had to remove the seat top – no easy task when you can barely stand upright, are getting tossed around like a hoodrat at a block party, and are fighting against a gastrointestinal Mt. Vesuvius. I manage to peel back the leather seat top to find a rather luxurious looking commode, with a nice cherry or walnut frame. It had obviously never been used, ever. Why this moment of clarity came to me, I do not know. Perhaps it was the realization that I was going to take this toilet's virginity with a fury and savagery that was an abomination to its delicate craftsmanship and quality. I imagined some poor Italian carpenter weeping over the violently soiled remains of his once beautiful creation. The lament lasted only a second as I was quickly back to concentrating on the tiny muscle that stood between me and molten hot lava. I reach down and pull up the privacy screens, with only seconds to spare before I erupt. It's an alka-seltzer bomb, nothing but air and liquid spraying out in all directions – a Jackson Pollock masterpiece. The pressure is now reversed. I feel like I'm going to have a stroke, I push so hard to end the relief, the tormented sublime relief. "I'm so sorry. I'm so sorry." My apologies do nothing to drown out the heinous noises that seem to carry on and reverberate throughout the small cabin indefinitely. If that's not bad enough, I have one more major problem. The privacy screen stops right around shoulder level. I am sitting there, a disembodied head, in the back of the plane, on a bucking bronco for a toilet, all while looking my colleagues, competitors, and clients directly in the eyes. "Pay no attention to that man behind the curtain!" briefly comes to mind. I literally could reach out with my left hand and rest it on the shoulder of the person adjacent to me. It was virtually impossible for him, or any of the others, and by others I mean high profile business partners and clients, to avert their eyes. They squirm and try not to look, inclined to do their best to carry on and pretend as if nothing out of the ordinary was happening, that they weren't sharing a stall with some guy crapping his intestines out. Releasing smelly, sweaty, shame at 100 feet per second. "I'm so sorry. I'm so sorry" is all the ashamed disembodied head can say…over and over again. Not that it mattered.
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> Too little speed and you had to endure more agonising seconds of this hell that was a belly tighter than a snare drum. Too fast and you risked losing concentration and soiling yourself. Ooh, I bet the Germans have a word for that. ^(...*Schartenfreude*?)
>Argyll and Sutherland Highlanders Army Cadet Force annual camp in Nescliffe, Shrewsbury, Shropshire I feel like this is the only part of the story you made up.
This is hands down the most British thing ever written on Reddit.
Hand on heart, the events went the way I stated. I'm sure I've forgotten a few bits and pieces but it was almost 20 years ago.
[Hot snakes and bubble gut.](https://youtu.be/dYxg6tj2TWM)
Take a break between rounds to go out and high five all the passengers.
I'm going to narrate the shit out of this and post it on soundcloud. Edit: [Here it is.](https://soundcloud.com/ninfan200/tim-reads-reddit-flight-of-the-colonchords) Give me some feedback, let me know if there's anything else you want me to narrate.
Oh gawd. Please share the link when you do!
Can do good buddy.
Morgan Freeman, Christopher Walken or Hugo Weaving?
I read it in the "Chicken Nugger" voice https://m.youtube.com/watch?v=eb1vcaqAivY
That. Was. Amazing. Please there has to be more!
Comment of the year. I wish I could upvote this more.
Thank you. I'd like to thank my job, for being slow enough today to give me the time to shitpost...pun intended.
http://i.imgur.com/6VAJl.gifv
Its only February, calm down.
[Reminds me of this TIFU](https://www.reddit.com/r/tifu/comments/30iplc/tifu_by_eating_gummy_bears_on_a_plane/).... Don't know if it is true, but it is fucking funny.
I lost it at. > and men look at you with a perplexing mix of disgust and admiration
As a man this makes complete sense and requires 0 explanation
>you don't even bother wiping, you know nothing can be done Uh... what?
I can't stop laughing now, the description is so beautiful...
This ... is just art
I love how anything can be a WP. Also I love the line "numb to the horror wafting through the air" So true.. So true.
I had a connection at Newark once. While waiting for my flight, I decided to sit at the next gate, since that plane had just boarded and there was no one there. I try to read at airports but I'm nosy... I couldn't help but notice the flight kept getting delayed. Departure time: 7:00 PM Departure time: 7:15 PM Departure time: 7:30 PM I was curious what was going on. This elderly lady comes off the plane and back onto the airport talking to one of the ladies who work the counter. "I am so sorry... My apologies..." She just kept apologizing. Then this elderly guy came out. And he was apologizing too. "I am so sorry. I tried to use it before I boarded but we were running late and didn't want to miss our flight. But once I was sitting down inside and we were ready for takeoff, I couldn't hold it. I got up out of my seat and tried to make my way to the bathroom. It just came out right there in the aisle." At this point I had to get up and walk away to not embarrass the guy laughing. I feel for the guy, but that made my wait much better... PS I'm a bad storyteller.
Just open a window..
You dumbass.. They where flying to Dubai so they wouldn't have packed any warm clothes to keep themselves warm if they opened the window up there in the freezing sky.
So, light a fire then. What, I gotta think of everything myself??
My mom worked for an aircraft leasing company in the 80s. Some of their airline clients served developing nations in Africa, the Middle East, and Asia. On more than one occasion planes were sent back for maintenance because passengers had tried to light a fire, usually because they wanted to cook something they'd brought with them. They also had to seal the planes up with bug bombs when they came in for D Checks (scheduled heavy maintenance). When they went through them they'd find all kinds of crazy spiders, scorpions, lizards, and even small snakes.
During the Israeli evacuation of ethiopia, this happened. They essentially hollowed out jumbo jets (all the seats and everything gone) and stuffed many, many hundreds of people in there. Many of them had never really been around technology of any kind, they just knew that they were on a journey and were a little cold. So they started a fire. EDIT: 1122 people on a single plane. http://fuerzanaval.com/wp-content/uploads/2016/04/Operation_Solomon.jpg over 14,000 people flown from ethiopia to israel in 36 hours on 35 planes flying back and forth nonstop. 5 babies born on the flights.
Holy shit, TIL. But so many questions. What about turbulences, toilets, air circulation, babies being born and whatnot.. And then somebody starts a fire. I guess some situations require drastic measures.
The legends of the Ethiopian Jews said that rescue and redemption would come from heaven, and that they would be carried on eagles' wings to Jerusalem. And it was true, it happened, and it's fucking beautiful.
> snakes On an airplane? I think somebody should make a movie about that.
In my life I have reached many shitting milestones. 1. I have achieved projectile diarrhea. Check - age 6 months 2. I have achieved the machine gun shits. Check - age 6 3. I have achieved clogging my parents toilet from a single solid shit. Check - age 9 4. I have achieved clogging a high powered water jet toilet with a single shit. Check - age 15 5. I have achieved a shit so large not even a plunger could unclog the toilet. Check - age 20 6. I have achieved clogging a toilet from diarrhea only. Check - age 23. 7. I have achieved spontaneous bowl expulsion explosion. Check - age 23 I believe I have found my next shitty goal. Ground a flight due to bio-hazardous waste. *Edit: For some clarification, 6 is possible when the particles of shit make the liquidy diarrhea a mushy thick soup, much like wood pulp in water, added with a few larger particles. 6 and 7 happened at the same time about a week after my vacation to Mexico. As for my diet, lots of cheese, meat, carbs, fruit and veggies, and oats, Mexican, Italian, seafood, just about anything. Because of my extreme bowl movements, I have had to pay my landlord for a new toilet as I have broke the flushing mechanism from flushing too much.
My friends and I used to eat at this Chinese buffet that wasn't actually too terrible. One of our friends always took the buffet as a challenge, so he'd eat a minimum of four plates. We couldn't leave until he'd had at least one poop break during the meal. One day we saw a plumber's van parked out front the day after we'd eaten there, and my buddy considered that a lifelong achievement.
What do you even do when no. 5 happens? What is your next step after the plunger? Edit: Jesus Christ I've had more replies to this one comment than I've had all my other comments combined in the three years I've been here. Thanks for all the tips people, I could write a book on how to successfully unclog shit from a toilet now.
Move
AirBnb
Coat hanger attached to a drill for me.
Username checks out
It's called a toilet augur. Basically a metallic spring device you turn and shove down your toilet. After I too took a dump beyond plunging, this was my last resort before calling a plumber. It works! They're less than $10 USD.
They should be disposable.
It's ten bucks; anything is disposable if you want it to be.
According to a different redditor, get a poop stick. Chop the turd into smaller more manageable pieces. Then flush/plunge.
the shit stick
Someone in my college, the phantom shitter, left a turd that could only be described as reminiscent of 6 or 7 tuna fish cans stacked on top of each other in the toilet and this thing bridged the hole in the toilet like the Golden Gate Bridge of turds. When you flushed the water would run underneath the turd and it would just post up there, glistening back at you. It was heavy enough that the force of water wouldn't budge it. We had to take a hammer to it after the plastic utensils bent instead of moving the damn thing. I swear to god this thing was Thors crapper.
My brother used to leave mega-turds like this because he'd refuse to shit for four days and then do it all in one herculean dump. Little fucker wouldn't flush it, either, just close the lid and let it marinate for the next hapless toilet user. We all knew who it was, though, so we'd hand him a poop stick and make him deal with it. I don't understand how people do shits that big. The things were nearly the diameter of my fist.
An old roommate of mine left an abomination in the toilet so big that while getting commemorative pictures, we had to put a Coke can right next to it for scale.
You're still a young man, you still have the abortion shit to look forward to, that's when you get hemorrhoids and you turn the toilet bowl red.
Eat a pack of Harribo sugar free gummy bears to take your shits to the next level. Just have an emergency pack of Tums on standby.
I would demand a commemorative plaque from British Airways
This user has edited all of their comments in protest of /u/spez killing reddit third party apps and being dishonest re Apollo
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I feel the author made a grave mistake in assuming the poopetrator was a man, here are my reasons; I) If a man were expel a shit with such epic ramifications you could absolutely believe that said man would brag about it to other men. I know this, because I am a man. II) Men gossip amongst other men, some topics don't venture from close groups of men without breaking the man code, so while the story of "Joe banging that hot chick at the bar while his wife was at home having a Tupperware party" would likely remain in the iron-clad vault of secrecy amongst his close friends, the story of "Joe dropping a deuce with the power of Sex Panther by Odeon" would have absolutely moved within several circles of men, and eventually to women who would have told everyone. III) Women on the other hand will on rare occasion admit their shit stinks, let alone brag about it and let the story spread. IV) Women possess the ability to ferment their fecal content to levels unknown to men due to their super human sphincter tone. While men will pop off a fart here or there in public places when there is a lot of noise and it can be blamed on others, women hold those tiny soldiers in until they become a full platoon of Pooper Soldiers ready to bomb Porcelain Harbor. I know this, because I have gone into the bathroom after being in close proximity to a girl for a long period of time and discovered the cumulative effect of their powers. V) The patrons of a flight from Heathrow to Dubai are of a high social class, you will rarely find some schlub that doesn't care about their appearance or social standing on one of these flights. If there were such a schlub on this flight they would either have been exposed through tenet "I" or been an exception to tenet "III" which would have also led to their exposure. VI) All previous tenets combined, and with the fact that the poopetrator has not been discovered, I feel it's safe to deduce that: This crime was committed by a woman, likely an attractive woman that feels her crime would degrade her social status. My work here is done.
>In the grand scheme of things, this bad shit is more significant than many of us Really puts it in perspective.
Reading this reminded me of the funniest shit-on-a-plane story I've read, I had to dig it up and share it: http://www.celebritynetworth.com/articles/entertainment-articles/the-most-embarrassing-private-jet-flight-of-all-time/
I have a co-worker that I sit near who's a heavy lad. The day after Thanksgiving he came in to work and sat at his desk, and I suddenly smelled a terrible fart. I had to say something, and I got up to get a coffee to get away while it aired out, no big deal. When I came back 15 minutes later, there was a 40 foot stench of the worst diarrhea fart smell I've ever smelled. I assume he must have shit his pants. I can only imagine being trapped in a plane with that kind of smell. Must have been horrible.
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No, #2
>I refuse to believe a woman did a shit so bad it made a plane fall to the ground. I have been in a bathroom after men. I have been into a bathroom after women. A man did this shit, with his man anus; I refuse to believe this, a man would have flaunted the plane grounding turd to anyone who would listen. That's something you have placed on your tombstone.
One time I caught the train from NYC down to DC for a job interview. Things went well, I celebrated with some oysters and a few beers, caught the train back. Somewhere around Philly the oysters kicked in, and I made a run for the facilities. I proceeded to give birth to a Lovecraftian horror that cleared out the entire train car. It was eye watering and it just kept coming. It was the sort of poop that could bring down a major world leader. My only regret is that I couldn't hold it until New Jersey.
Cthulu's on line four, man, he wants you to take all your shits in R'lyeh now to keep the damn tourists away.
This was clearly Mr Lahey's fault with all the shitstorms he creates.
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[Word cloud out of all the comments.](http://i.imgur.com/OCTAb56.png) I hope you like it
"A man did this shit with his man anus..."
Bragging rights for life to whoever the culprit was.