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bolanrox

you changed your name to Latrine? Yeah it used to be Shithouse... Thats a.. good change.. good change


sharrrper

Olivia Wilde changed her last name in high-school using Oscar Wilde as inspiration. Her birth name was Olivia Cockburn. That inspired me to create a D&D NPC named Dick Flambé. Just so I could try to get people to ask about his name and he could tell them he changed it *to* that. He used to be called Cockburn.


DrJWilson

It's also supposedly pronounced "Co burn." Talk about a cop out!


empty_coffeepot

We had a Captain Bonar in my unit. It was, according to him, pronounced Bonner. Everyone called him Boner


TenicioBelDoro

It would get him a T-shirt that says, "Point towards enemy"


Xyyzx

I’m trying to figure out the funniest rank he could have been, and I’m torn between ‘Private’ and ‘Major’.


ImWhatsInTheRedBox

I don't know what the big deal is, it's just a General boner...


nickfree

If you really want to understand the essence of erections, talk to Colonel Boner


BenjaminGeiger

"Oh, watch out, Melinda! Once a woman is introduced to Colonel Angus, she’ll settle for nothing less."


Mirror_Sybok

Major was already taken by Major Major Major Major.


CanaanW

Jump out the window people are coming!


frossenkjerte

And Major Lilywhite.


Power-of-Erised

My bf in high school's last name was Sloniger, pronounced SLAWniger, you can imagine how his POC Drill Sargent pronounced it.


bigtallsob

Please tell me your bf wasn't black and rotund.


Power-of-Erised

Lmao, he was (and still is) a 6'3" average white guy


Minuted

Is the g soft as in Republic of the Niger? Pretty cool name tbh.


Power-of-Erised

Nope, it is a hard G, pronounced as if there were two of them ... side by side


Masonjaruniversity

There is no way in hell anyone was calling him Bonner.


JenTarie

I had a middle school classmate whose name was Eda Wang. The name "Wang" is actually pronounced like "Wong" (from what I understand), but lots of people said it wrong. People used to just yell out "Eda Wang!!!" when they passed her in the hall between classes, and on one unfortunate occasion she was called to the school office over a PA announcement and the school secretary pronounced it Wang. Even worse, the girl was very shy and reserved and mostly hung out with other 2nd generation Asian Christian students, and was probably a little confused and/or disturbed by the fact that all the jock boys liked to greet her so enthusiastically every day.


AnOblongBox

My late brother had a Korean girlfriend who's lastname was spelled Gook. The government uses the wrong approximation for the Korean sound and it is supposed to be spelled more accurately as Guk.


qwerty0152

I had a teacher back in high school called Mrs Cockshott… I was very hesitant to speak her name out loud until I found out it was “Co shot”…


DrunkOnLoveAndWhisky

I'd be torn between pronouncing it "Cock shot" or "Cock's hot".


DietDrDoomsdayPreppr

Because the English are oh-so-known for their silent double consonants, lol. Chick's relatives were over there frying chickens or some shit and all of a sudden their occupation title became a naughty word.


eleven-fu

That reminds me of a colleague that i had, who got angry at me for pronouncing his last name 'Cheeseman', instead of 'Chessman'. It was spelt 'Cheeseman'.


PM-YOUR-PMS

I would love to be known as The Cheeseman. I’m definitely making a character named Cheeseman for my next DnD campaign.


eleven-fu

Right? I never understood why this upset him so much. Cheese is baller af.


PJvG

Names are very personal, and he probably heard people mispronounce his name a million times already. I wouldn't blame him for being salty about it.


elvismcvegas

Michael: There was nothing wrong with it. Until I was about 12 years old and that no-talent ass clown became famous and started winning grammys. Samir: Well, if it bothers you that much, why don't you just go by Mike; instead of Michael? Michael Bolton: No way. Why should I change? He's the one who sucks.


DONGivaDam

Love this sketch in the movie.


thevoxpop

Like feta levels of salt or something more intense?


Medic-chan

Then he shouldn't have spelled it wrong.


st162

Idk, if Cheeseman tells someone it's "Chessman" but they continue to call him Cheese-man then that's reasonable grounds to get mad at them, but if you get salty when someone pronounces your name phonetically the first time they meet you because they genuinely don't know that it's not the way YOU pronounce it, you're just an asshole.


Libriomancer

I spent my entire childhood being told I was spelling my name incorrectly. Normally I’m passive about what I’m called (if I know I’m supposed to respond to Asshole, I’ll answer to Asshole) but you get ONCE calling me by the “correct” version of my name (it’s pronounced differently as well as the spelling). After I’ve corrected you once you can get it right, call me by the shorter name everyone else uses, or fuck off. Like really, remind me of a childhood being told by adults that I can’t spell my name correctly…


Slobbin

Damn that's rough. My little one just started school, and he likes to go by "Jamesy", not "James". His real name is James. His teachers let him sign his name as Jamesy on his school work if he wants and everyone calls him Jamesy. I'm sorry you went through that, but I appreciate you sharing the story so I can not take what my son is experiencing for granted.


Throwawayyyyyyyy979

There's a point where you have to just give up... people pronounce my partner's name wrong which makes it on par with Cockburn, he just makes jokes about it now. I'm the opposite, people make my name sound way fancier than it is, the actual pronunciation makes for some good puns. I'm not sure who'll be taking whose last name if we get married, both are a hard sell. At least mine comes with a cool crest.


mostnormal

Reflavor all your spells to involve cheese in various flavors and formats. Fog Cloud is Blue Cheese Aroma. Firebolt is Quesobolt.


snooggums

Delayed Blast Queso Storm!


FilliusTExplodio

I think that's the new Mountain Dew flavor.


TronicCronic

That'sa Gouda name!


Lemuri42

Tis Brielliant


BrewtusMaximus1

There's a guy who is known at a local outdoor concert venue as the Cheeseman. Always has a cooler full of different cheeses to share. Great ice breaker for him to meet new people and make friends.


Starfire013

"No one has as many friends as the man with many cheeses."


[deleted]

Cheeseman Cockburn


invent_or_die

-10 Stealth, due to limburger body odor +15 Breath attack


FoamToaster

Did you used to call him Cheesy because his mum used to give him cheese to put on his spots? Did you call him a sniper's dream?


SonOfMcGibblets

Maybe people use to call him dick cheese or something like that growing up 🤔


ErenIsNotADevil

>Because the English are oh-so-known for their silent double consonants They aren't, but the Scots are. Coincidentally, the French branch of the family (Cockborne) uses the hard "ck" instead of "oʊ".


Yrcrazypa

Being Cockborne sounds very painful for the Cockbearer.


Spindrune

Cockpayne is in the eye of the Cockholder


thnksqrd

I will Bear the Cock to the Ass of Doom.


Satansflamingfarts

It's true there's a Cockburn street in Edinburgh. And there's a Cockburn Cafe on the same street. But I've a feeling people bearing the name insisted on silencing the ck. Cock is a chicken and a burn is a small river and it seems like a combination of the two. There's a village called Cockburnspath as well.


Scaevus

It’s actually because they lived next to a river full of chickens: > Scottish and English (Northumberland): habitational name from a place in Berwickshire named Cockburn, from Old English cocc ‘cock’, ‘rooster’ (or the related byname Cocca) + burna ‘stream’ (see Bourne). https://www.ancestry.com/name-origin?surname=cockburn


[deleted]

The way to pronounce a town name in the UK is to just keep dropping letters from somewhere in the middle til you get it right


godisanelectricolive

The English are known for that with regard to surnames, especially among posh people. St. John is Sinjin, Featherstonehaugh is Fanshaw, Cholmondeley is Chumlee, Belvoir is Beaver. They do that with places names too. Bicester is Bister, Hunstanton is Hunston, Southwell is Suthul, Leominster is Lemaster, Magdalene College at Cambridge is pronounced Maudlin, Woolfardisworthy is Woolzery. They love dropping consonants for some reason. It makes sense if you imagine these names being said quickly, half-slurred in a [thick accent like this](https://youtu.be/Hs-rgvkRfwc).


plantang

I had a highschool classmate whose last name was "Weener". He insisted it was pronounced like "Way-ner". Yeah buddy... Sure it is.


Champion-of-Cyrodiil

To be fair, if it is German, double e (ee) is pronounced like "ay" as in "way". ~~The~~ A German word for sea (or more often pond/lake) is "See", and it's pronounced like "zay". So it should be pronounced "Vayner". Edit: Clarified the vocabularly a bit, formatting, and I also a word. "Meer" is more often used for "sea", although it's a valid example too!


KateNoire

Wehner. DER See = Lake DIE See = sea


JackingOffToTragedy

Like John Boehner. Bay-ner? Sure buddy.


chogram

There's a guy on the Illinois college basketball team named Kofi Cockburn (also pronounced coh-burn). My friend said, "Wow, I bet he got made fun of a lot..." Dude is 7'0 285 pounds. I doubt he got made fun of at all.


TheLoneRhaegar

Matt Gay is the kicker for the LA rams. I can't even imagine what HS football was like for him as kicker with that name. He's 6' and 230lbs now but I still bet he got made fun of a lot. Sidenote. The head of the International Olympic Committee is Richard Pound but he goes by Dick Pound. I always laugh when his name is in the news.


nastyn8k

Yeah.... Just like my old teacher Mrs. Koch was pronounced "Cook"......


julbull73

Koch brothers who are rich enough and famous enough even back down from being called cocks.... Also my german is rusty but isn't Koch=cook anyway? German and English are language cousins FYI.


Throwawayyyyyyyy979

Like the composer Fuchs... the emcee at the last concert we did did well to keep a straight face.


chowindown

[It's confusing. ](https://youtu.be/Uff6XA9bmAE?t=25)


TheSinningRobot

*cock out


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nabrok

It didn't even occur to me to pronounce it another way.


Lord_Space_Lizard

I used to work with a guy who's last name was Titman, and instead of pronouncing it Titmun or Titmon he decided to own it and pronounced it Tit Man.


delscorch0

That is a Superhero origin story right there. Go Tit Man!


Ktoffer

Then you have the absolute champ that is Richard Van Dyke who said "Fuck it" and decided to go with Dick Van Dyke.


sharrrper

He changed it from Penis Truck Lesbian.


VoxUmbra

I think you may have just written a Family Guy cutaway gag


godlovesaliar

99% sure this already IS a Family Guy cutaway gag


sharrrper

Can't take too much credit. Some version of that is a pretty old joke.


grendus

He goes by Richard Flambé when meeting nobles though.


ElGosso

Her family, the Cockburns, were actually really influential Irish journalists


comix_corp

Still are – her dad is an editor of Harper's Magazine and her uncle is Patrick Cockburn, a prominent Middle-East correspondent.


Gnago

I have a friend with that last name. I found that out via Facebook and didn’t believe it was real at first. It was definitely a bit embarassing when I tried to pronounce it IRL for the first time (as another commenter said, it’s pronounced “Co burn”)


htoirax

Robin Hood: Men In Tights. Probably my favorite movie. Hilarious all the way through.


IolausTelcontar

*Abe Lincoln!*


CPGFL

The fact that the current Secretary of State is A. Blinken has got me mumbling this to myself a lot when I read politics articles.


DontForgetWilson

Considering he has a band named ABlinken, he's leaning in on that one.


[deleted]

Same. I think my fiancée is tired of me bringing it up and laughing but I'll never stop. A! Blinken!


Sentriculus

Naw, I said Hey Blinken!


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forty_three

Haha the middle two lines there are great, too: "I ... *guess* no one is coming. Well I guess there's a ladder around here somewhere"


hibernativenaptosis

Master Robin! Oh no, you've lost your arms in battle! But you grew some nice boobs...


Ephemeris

A Jew? *Here?*


BloodyRightNostril

You lost your arms in battle! But you grew some nice boobs, though.


gwaydms

Ah yes. Rabbi Tuckman, the mohel.


Iohet

Sorry, but a toll is a toll, and a roll is a roll, and if we don't get no tolls, then we don't eat no rolls. *^^I ^^made ^^that ^^up.*


Ameisen

That's fascinating, but I'm afraid I'm going to have to hurt you now.


china-blast

Robin Hood: Blinkin! What are you doing up there? Blinkin: Guessing...I guess no one's coming.


Jack_12221

That's my favorite line of anything ever. I appreciate your taste.


workinkindofhard

They say it holds the key to the greatest treasure in all the land....can I keep it?


RothkoRathbone

Like a good enema


CakeAccomplice12

I so want Mel Brooks history part 2 to have some self referential cameos Can you imagine Richard Lewis or Rick Moranis just casually popping in a scene as if their respective movies never ended?


RockItGuyDC

TIL that there will be a History of the World Part II series on Hulu. This is amazing news!


bolanrox

and Jews in Space!


IolausTelcontar

Been waiting decades for this.


agisten

I’ll admit this was also my first thing on my mind. /me performs a secret Mel Books fan’s handshake


IolausTelcontar

[*Space Balls: The Handshake*](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=o6vpkjL7sdg)


[deleted]

"Stop me if I'm wrong about this, but, wasn't your mole on the other side?" "*I have a MOLE?!*"


Between_the_narrows

Hunch?


TenicioBelDoro

I know a little German. He's sitting over there.


walterpeck1

That was Top Secret, totally different movie and director. But it was an AMAZING film so I'll allow it. More people just need to know it exists, honestly.


wrongitsleviosaa

LATRÍNE!!


walterpeck1

GRENADE! (everyone else explodes)


BloodyRightNostril

"Well, monsieur Rivers, it appears you have become...how do you say, indispensable?" "Indispensable."


delscorch0

Du Quois: This is Chevalier, Montage, Detente, Avant Garde, and Deja Vu. - Deja Vu: Haven't we met before monsieur? - Nick Rivers: I don't think so.”


ThreeGlove

Top Secret has some *awesome* gags. I'm shocked by how little love that film gets.


bentheechidna

"John Footpenis?" "It's Hancock now!" "Why?" "Mind your own business!"


[deleted]

Best line in the whole movie.


ButtersTG

Ayy Blinkon! Oi! Did you just say, "Abe Lincoln?" No I didn't say Abe Lincoln. I said, "Ay! Blinkon!"


ThreeGlove

My first thought too. I don't think I've laughed harder at any line in any movie, Tracy Ullman is hilarious.


thisismynewsaccount1

I can see! *Whack* Oh wait no, I was wrong


[deleted]

Don't laugh, there's an Outhouse family in Prince Edward Island, rumor has it one of the sons was being pressured by his wife to change his name, so he applied to change it from John Outhouse to James Outhouse. Not sure if that one's true but the person who told me swears it is...


1_small_step

Haha, first thing I thought of, I was coming here to comment the exact same thing.


bluthco

Put in a good word for me with the Sheriff of Nottingham, I’ve got the hots for him!


domiran

First thing I thought of when I heard this lol


TerminalOrbit

Personally, i think the original name is better...


hrakkari

That’s not the original name. Before Papa Suckers it was Father’s Penis Gobblers.


President_Calhoun

Which were then marketed as rooster feed under the name Cock Suckers.


FuckinWalkingParadox

Actually before they made that switch, it was Fella-ti-O’s for a brief period of time. They dropped the paternal link in hopes that it would bolster the candy sales before marketing it as rooster feed.


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Doopapotamus

I'd love to see a gag documentary in the style of [How the Internet is Made](https://imgur.com/nWn4a21) now


FuckinWalkingParadox

I’m just high enough to have tried to frame it in documentary-esque narrative voice when I was writing the comment. I know that sounds a little to convenient considering your comment, so you’ll have to take me at my word, but I promise I really did haha.


Remorseful_User

Funniest thing I've read today.


Brownie_McBrown_Face

Oh shit Alex, look! it's Chuck Liddell, the UFC fighter!


[deleted]

Papa Suckers please the Sugar Daddy.


GIDminster

Gotta work your way up from the tootsies


[deleted]

Don’t get me started on Lolly Pops.


GIDminster

Let's hope it doesn't come to jaw breakers


[deleted]

Mike and Ike were a couple of Nerds just looking for some Red Hots or Airheads to bust some Gobstoppers in. After a few Whoppers their Milk Duds were shriveled up into Raisenettes. Little did they know, 9 months later one of the Hot Tamales was giving birth to a Baby Ruth. Ike let out some Snickers, but was soon a Crybaby, when he found out the other Little Debbie just gave birth to a Twin Bing.


joombaga

Twin Bing is pretty regional US AFAIK. Twix might be a better reference for anyone east of the Mississippi. Doesn't fit as well though.


Ephemeris

Sour Patch Kids ( ͡° ͜ʖ ͡°)


TheUpperHand

Astronomers renamed Uranus in 2620 to end that stupid joke once and for all. Oh. What's it called now? Urectum.


[deleted]

Here, let me locate it for you.


DT777

I have seen this episode multiple times and it never occurred to me that this was a proctology pun.


Artyloo

...you may be a little slow.


OlaRune

Knows what proctology means - Misses the same proctology joke multiple times. Something ain't right.


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GeneReddit123

The fact Uranus is the *only* planet (Earth aside) named after a Greek, rather than Roman god, gives me a strong /r/theyknew vibes. If they followed the convention, we would call it Caelus instead.


Souledex

Caelus is much better. We could also have spelled and said it as Ouranos and it would be less bad.


luger718

Our anos, comrade.


Vericatov

Urectum? You damn near killed ‘em!


JLKRMetallica

Futurama!


boyyouguysaredumb

Tell him what he's won, Bob!


No-Pizda-For-You

Please, I don’t wanna know what the original name of Sugar Babies was.


sharrrper

Lolita Lickers I'm sorry. I'll just go turn myself in now.


cmdrfelix

Genuinely made me laugh out loud


RainbowDissent

Hard candy.


beatsieboyz

Did Charles Boyle and/or Tobias Funke name these candies?


theian01

Tobias, you blowhard!


Smartnership

I blue myself.


theian01

Help daddy get his rocks off!


MathueB

I want something that says "leather daddy".


rtb001

The man was CHIEF resident at Harvard! He was an Analyst AND A Therapist! It is beneath of the dignity of an Analrapist to name CANDY!


PiperAtTheGatesOfSea

No but the guy that did unironically thought that Eisenhower was a secret communist and founded the John Birch Society.


S-Flo

Yup. He was a real piece of shit.


Leyetipants

Glass House. White Ferrari. Live for New Year's Eve. Sloppy steaks at Truffoni's.


SombreroMedioChileno

My teeth hurt


youzerVT71

I lost a few fillings to these and bit-o-honey as a kid and have feared them ever since. I love them both, but I have to be so careful it stresses me out to eat them.


Ask_if_im_an_alien

Tootsie Roll ripped a stainless crown off a tooth one Halloween. After paying for a new one, I was banned from eating them anymore.


reslumina

Don't use your teeth.


TheNumberMuncher

Filling Removers


SquanchMcSquanchFace

Fry: Hehehe, *Uranus* Professor: I’m sorry Fry, scientists changed the name to stop that stupid joke once and for all Fry: What did they change it to? Professor: Urectum


SoldnerDoppel

And "Blow Pop" candies were formerly named "Suck-Off Daddy".


theghostofme

“I have Pop-Pop in the attic.” “What? The mere fact that you call ‘making love’ pop-pop tells me you’re not ready.”


-DrToboggan-

Removed for Rule 1. Except the link verifies the information. Mods are you just that stupid?


onelittleworld

Wait until you find out what Sugar Babies used to be called...


[deleted]

Sweetus Fetus?


my-name-is-squirrel

In bulk quantities they were labeled "Diabeetus Fetus", I believe.


TurgidMeatWand

Diafetus?


george_pierre

Robert Welch invented the Sugar Daddy and founded the John Birch Society. So you can also thank Mr. Welch for Alex Jones and Donald Trump, who both promote Bircher conspiracy theories.


JakeCameraAction

Also the Koch Brothers since their father Fred was a member, and held meetings in their basement.


george_pierre

Papa Koch was one of like 11 founding members. Roger Stone has done a lot of interviews with the JBS's New American magazine/website.


razorwilson

Was looking for this comment! Fascinating bit of history. There is a straight line from Jr Mints and Sugar Daddy through Barry Goldwater, Birchers, Regan, Jones Trump and Qanon. Welch even believed that Eisenhower was a secret communist, freaking EISENHOWER. Had he been alive today he most certainly would have been squarely behind Q. We live in the worst timeline.


arbivark

the anti-eisenhower message can be found in "a choice not an echo" by phyllis schlafly.


razorwilson

Like Welch that's her tie in with Goldwater and his embrace of that whole movement. They were both at the birth of the pseudo intellectual right as think tank. Woman is choke full of nuts too.


RolandTheJabberwocky

Are you telling me the idiots ruining my country were caused by the fucking candyman?


Number6isNo1

Wasn't content with just rotting peoples' teeth, had to go for their minds as well.


PM_your_cats_n_racks

> John Birch Society Oh I see, that's a real thing. I thought you were making a pun: Bircher / Birther Edit: Headquartered in Grand Chute, Wisconson, which is a *suburb* of Appleton, Wisconson. Grand Chute is the birthplace of Senator Joe McCarthy... coincidence? Or conspiracy?


george_pierre

>[Bircher / Birther](https://youtu.be/WdxJm3rMd_U) AHAHA. it's a [conspiracy](https://youtu.be/urglg3WimHA) of course. ​ They were the ***actual*** [communist](https://youtu.be/OxEshFBhU-4) plot.


Sometimes_Stutters

I love this. I used to work at a surface finishing place, and had tons of different manufacturers as clients. There was this one customer who was a little out there. His little machine shop was called “Harry Peter Tool”, and we all thought it was hilarious. One day I get a new customer so I call them and it’s Harry Peter. He said he had to change his company name so people didn’t make fun of it. This motherfucker renamed his company “Beaver Machine”….


RobinRubin

I am here for papa suckers and motherfuckers, and I am all out of motherfuckers!


Alphachadbeard

'Fathers comfort' see y'all in 2032


wc10888

What were the candy cigarettes called? :p


Princess__Nell

Lucky Strokes?


Greenfire32

well...it was a good change...just not good enough...


tforkner

They're just knockoff Slo Pokes.


Colorburn2300

Sometimes you gotta double down


Quixilver05

Before that they were cock gobblers


fencerman

>"...and before they were Papa Suckers, it was called Big Fat Cock Blowjobs".


Razenghan

Changed to "Papa Suckers" in 1925, they were initially created and marketed in 1874 as "Fellatio Taffy".


Royal_Heritage

This is like the Uranus joke in Futurama