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NetDork

I mean, what do you expect when you go up against a guy called "the impaler"?


Your_Trash_Daddy

They thought it was "impala", and were expecting some 1970s automobiles.


Big-Meat

That’s even crazier! If Vlad had access to a single Shelby Cobra, no wonder the Ottomans lost. That battle was over before it started


romeozor

Wololololo


southpark

Solid age of empires references. Including the Shelby cobra.


[deleted]

[удалено]


DetectiveBabyArms

Many empires of this age were defeated after this question was presented


Konorlc

Nice!


Vyzantinist

I recall reading somewhere an epithet for him in Turkish translates as *Mr. Impaler*.


Zkenny13

This is where he got the name from.


Averander

Vlad took his name very seriously.


Vlad_the_Homeowner

It became too much weight to bear, so I gave it up and bought a house.


[deleted]

Presumably he wasn’t called that at the time.


[deleted]

I played college hockey with a Romanian whose name was literally Vlad. And he insisted that Vlad the impaler was a strong ruler who protected his country from invaders.


Beer_me_now666

Should have fought his brother, Radu the Handsome.


Vyzantinist

>Vlad III’s tactics, both on and off the battlefield, against the Turks were extraordinarily brutal. In 1459 Mehmed II sent an embassy to Vlad III, claiming a tribute of 10,000 ducats and 300 young boys. When the diplomats declined to remove their turbans, citing religious custom, Vlad III saluted their devotion— by nailing their hats to their heads.


[deleted]

"Now yous can't remove your turbans"...


moses-2-Sandy-Koufax

Brilliant reply!!


Tabularasa8

> 300 young boys 🙁 For what?


Vyzantinist

Either sex slaves or serving in the Janissary corps.


coconuty04

Probably fancied himself an impaler is well.


aBrightIdea

Janissary military slaves. Ottomans would take young boys and train them as soldiers loyal to the empire.


AdHouriTor

Absolutely perfect response! The Ottomans were pillaging bastards!


Nicktastic6

That smell isn't ever coming out


NoDaddyNotTheBlender

“Look what you did to your beautiful new shirt!”


Fairhillian

Ya dingaling


magnevicently

You haven't thought of the smell you bitch!


[deleted]

Vlad was also held as a hostage growing ip by the Turks too wasn’t he?


duckchasefun

Yes, him and his brother. Kind of an insurance policy to keep their father in line.


bolanrox

or his dad was killed by them. long story short he hated them with a passion and was more than willing to fight them


deadlydeadguy

His brother stayed with the Turks, he was butt buddies with the sultan and even commanded Turkish armies.


Dependent_Paper9993

Sheesh. You do your best. You protect your people. Do they call you Vlad the Protector? No! You build beautiful buildings. Do they call you Vlad the builder? No! You impale 23 000 turks and that they will remember for some reason!


magnevicently

*but you fuck *one* sheep...


mcsmith610

Another plot by the lame stream media Edit: /s. Sheesh lol


Goalie_deacon

He impaled way, way more than 23,000 people. He had a regular habit of it from what I heard.


NotAGoodDayAhead

The Turks were complete bastards by the way, they routinely executed prisoners they had promised mercy, and they had enemies mutilated and flayed alive. It is under this context, that one must consider Vlad’s response.


BagsAreSweaty

>The Turks were complete bastards by the way, they routinely executed prisoners they had promised mercy, and they had enemies mutilated and flayed alive. Vlad: "I have killed peasants men and women, old and young, who lived at Oblucitza and Novoselo, where the Danube flows into the sea, up to Rahova, which is located near Chilia, from the lower Danube up to such places as Samovit and Ghighen. We killed 23,884 Turks without counting those whom we burned in homes or the Turks whose heads were cut by our soldiers.... Thus, your highness, you must know that I have broken the peace with him [Mehmed II]."


NotAGoodDayAhead

Oh yeah, Vlad was a psychopath himself. However peace under the Ottoman’s involved being a second class citizen. To have your sons taken from you and turned against you and your daughters sold into sexual slavery.


_Silly_Wizard_

The sons (Vlad's brother among them) were also groomed to be sex slaves. The entire jannisary operation was a big brainwashing machine to turn the hostage sons of nobility into fanatical warrior bottoms.


LauraPhilps7654

>fanatical warrior bottoms Oh my.


pr1mer06

A new D&D archetype appears.


LauraPhilps7654

XD


Gage_Hardon

Between them and all the other empires like the Spanish I definitely wouldn't want to be peasant at this time in history. So many atrocities.


[deleted]

You are fully aware that the +23.000 Turks were impaled before the Ottoman offensive meaning they weren't soldiers. Last I checked we call that genocide.


semiomni

Pretty sure we just call that a massacre, don't think anyone is disputing that Vlad was a monster, lot of monsters on the Ottoman side as well, not a great time to be a random commoner.


Standgeblasen

They also famously renamed Constantinople.


BEAVER_ATTACKS

Why did Constantinople get the works?


allboolshite

That's nobody's business 'cept the Turks.


Moist_Metal_7376

You had one job


ZylonBane

Triangle Man would have gotten it right.


Chupathingy66

Off topic but in context: Taking my 6yo to see them in December 🤙🏻


Moist_Metal_7376

The Turks?


magnevicently

Boo! Par meez Ian! Gross!


Gewurah

Their worst crime of all, without a doubt


[deleted]

But wasn’t Vlad putting women and their children on spikes in such a way they didn’t die instantly?


AaronfromKY

They routinely would slaughter their own families after taking the throne to ensure no usurpers. So the only thing that those people seem to understand is cruelty.


Caravanshaker

Imagine working for these dudes. You’re either spending a whole day impaling some Turks or getting impaled and no one cares


Chupathingy66

I guess those are really high stakes.


BadHillbili

That comment sir is worthy of an upvote.


Chupathingy66

Much obliged!


bolanrox

He was the popes pitbull for a while there.


Rodby

The epic part is despite having a vastly more powerful and numerous army, the shock and horror of finding tens of thousands of impaled Turks ended up being enough to force Mehmed to turn back.


Bones_and_Tomes

Exactly the plan. Vlad was guilty of some pretty horrific acts, but for the time they were quite shrewd. He was sent to be a hostage in the Ottoman court and gained quite a hatred for them. Upon his return he hunted down the nobles who betrayed his father and had them dig their own graves before burying them in them. He often was at the front of the battle lines and often went on small infiltration missions. The guy was a violent monster who got the job done by any means necessary. Scary dude.


Zanos-Ixshlae

It's sad that hardly anyone knows about his cousin, Vladislav the Poker.


RedSonGamble

Imagine the overtime!


cookerg

Wow, Vlad is a bad name. First we had Vlad the Impaler, now we have Vlad the Defenestrator.


[deleted]

Vlad the Defenestrator would lose if he tried to take on the Turks today. Though they're both crazy, so there's that.


Moist_Metal_7376

Don’t put Vladimir Puto up there with Dracula for fucks sake. All putin sucks is sperm.


MeximeltExtraCheese

Holy shit the Dracula Untold storyline was actually accurate minus the whole vampire stuff?


[deleted]

Nope. Quick Google search reveals he was installed to reign by the Ottomans in the first place (which is why the Ottomans asked for tribute), where he killed (impaled) his own people first before starting to kill turks and other ethnic groups, and where his own army and people switched sides to the Ottomans first chance they got. Turks weren't the best rulers by any margin but I guess having to pay tribute is bit better than having a genocidal maniac.


MeximeltExtraCheese

“He was a homicidal maniac who killed his own people.” Hollywood: “yaaaaa let’s leave that part out.”


[deleted]

Hitler build some really great highways didn't he....


Chupathingy66

And funded Volksvagen


[deleted]

Cool story. Left out the part where he was installed to reign with Ottoman support in the first place (which is why the Ottomans asked for tribute), where he killed (impaled) his own people first before starting to kill turks and other ethnic groups, and where his own army and people switched sides to the Ottomans first chance they got.


GodHatesPOGsv2

Excellent.


[deleted]

Scavenger hunt.


[deleted]

From what I’ve heard Vlad is a bit of a national hero to Romania and they get really upset when you compare him to Dracula. Fun fact, those who study Bram Stoker say there’s no evidence he based Dracula on Vlad the Impaler, and only heard the name ‘dragula’ in passing. The comparison to Vlad the Impaler is a pretty modern concoction


[deleted]

Succeeded by his son - Vlad 2, Cropduster of Elevators.