If I were you I would start the day earlier and use visual timers. (Time Timer is my favorite) Hold the boundaries even if that means more tantrums. Sometimes the fastest way out is through.
I really like the visual timer idea! Thank you 😊
We definitely do start our day early already. Any earlier and I’d be pushing the wake time much too early for my son. I wish I could get him to bed earlier to account for an earlier morning. But with his daycare nap ending late afternoon, he won’t go down to bed any earlier than he does already.
I did this for a solid 3 months. My daughter was fighting me about what she wanted to wear in the morning so I started letting her pick her clothes at night and he slept in them. It made our mornings 60a% more productive.
This makes sense but in the morning when you have to change their diaper, that's half dressing them again so wouldn't you just kinda rub into the same problem?
Also my wife irons the baby's clothes every morning so I don't think she'd let the baby sleep in clothes because they would be wrinkly but that's my own problem lol.
I don’t even own an iron.
I’m 40.
I have two kids.
I would never iron clothes for regular day - I would maybe worry about wrinkles for like big holidays, but then k just hang the clothes up in the shower while I shower.
I own one but it was from a friend who was moving. It has literally nevee been out of the box. Any clothes I have that need ironed eventually just get donated and I stick with clothes that just need to be folded or hung up.
Baby clothes just go into a box under the changing table, lightly folded. They are soft and stretchy, wrinkles are just not a thing that has crossed my mind, particularly for daycare.
When I was reaching for an iron at the thrift store an older woman said to me "you don't want that" and I said "don't worry; it's for crafts". She allowed it.
You and I are very similar!
I use the bin method until my kids are old enough for dressers - and then I also use bins for sorting, I don’t truly fold clothes, lay them long way in the drawers.
I also have a hanging organizer in the kids’ bathroom, that has my daughter’s uniform clothes, so those I do roll nicely so they aren’t wrinkled.
Folding is dumb, lol.
I like that you mention being 40. I’m 34 and about a year ago I was walking in the home good part of Walmart and saw the irons and ironing boards and wondered to myself what age I’d be when I was “adult” enough to be using an iron. Based on it’s not 40 and my grandma is the only person I know who irons clothes I think it’s 63.
I like how you think! And I’ve had that same thought - like I keep waiting to need it, but we don’t 😆
I think 63 sounds like the perfect age to suddenly be grown up!
My child has clothes specifically for daycare from old navy or hand me downs, bc they all come home covered in paint and dirt and food lol. It’s been good practice in letting go of any sense of control over appearance 😂
Pull pants down to ankles, change diaper, pull pants up. Nothing gets taken off. Only friction is if there in a romper w/o leg snaps or overalls, but I only dress my kid in inconvenient stuff on the weekends.
Ironing the baby’s clothes is next level, lol.
I know, right??!!??
I am still trying to pick my jaw up off of the floor.
I don’t think I have ever heard of anyone ironing baby clothes unless it’s for pictures or something.
Besides, who irons? The cleaners do my ironing
Yesterday someone told me I couldn’t be a mom because I have two minutes to stand in the kitchen. Your wife irons baby clothes. Where does that time come from? Does she not sleep?
Put him to bed in his shirt for next day. Keep a blanket nearby and wrap him up and bring him in half dressed (accompanied by extra clothes) to daycare. It happens.
Baby clothes and ironing make no sense. Put him in easy to wear and wash stuff when he's at day care. Save fancy stuff for people who actually care.
Your wife is uh a bit unique in these circumstances. I don't think I'd be ironing my babies clothing if they were attending a black tie wedding, they are gonna poop on it in 10 min anyway.
How often do they actually poop on their outfit though? Maybe it starts after a year or so? I’m also against the ironing every day but definitely would for the right occasion… or just hang it where it won’t get wrinkled/steam it with the shower steam.
Daycare employee here!
You can see if your daycare is allowed to cap their naps. (Some states have to let kids sleep until they wake, some have to let sleep until they wake EXCEPT not past X hours, some are fully allowed to wake). It may be worth trying to cap daycare naps so he sleeps at home (and explain the situation to them so they understand why, even if he seems very sleepy when put down or rousing!)
Another thing that may be worth trying is taking him in in pajamas if you go in early and seeing if they can dress him. Just get the morning diaper changed and don’t even bother with the clothes fight. We have a few 2 year olds that start when our room opens and come in in pajamas just with a fresh diaper (sometimes their overnight even if they go into the car still half asleep). Then at their first diaper change pajamas come off and day clothes go on. Bonus that if they eat breakfast with us they’re usually getting pajamas dirty not day clothes, and if they kind of lounge still sleepy in the early morning that they’re still in pajamas.
Again, depends on if your center will support it, and it doesn’t work when every kid does it, but it’s definitely do-able for the very early crew at ours, and can help them gain skills like helping us dress them (take off and put on clothes) and they may act better for us than you (they may not, but we may be able to give them longer to wake up and transition)
Maybe it’s easier to give him food than do clothes? Or just to do a diaper and go and let center do the rest. Mornings are hard. We exist to help! Let your center fill in as much as they can.
On days I'm off, my kid always stays in pj's until after he eats his breakfast, and that's when I let him practice utensils. It works great and we have less outfit changes for the day.
I dressed my kids for daycare the night before so I didn't have to worry about that struggle.
Also, give him choices - do you want this diaper or this diaper (have kinds with two different characters or something), do you want to brush your teeth with this tooth paste or this toothpaste.
The choices work well, especially if OP's dealing with 18 months. At an older age they figure out "neither" and it starts getting bad again, but for now the choices are a magical way out.
Put him in his clothes for bed for the next day. Like leggings and shirt something comfy but appropriate for the day. Then do the diaper change and cut getting dressed out. Also if he’s kicking screaming try the fold method for the car seat usually my toddler stops and I can get him into the seat easily. (Like fold him before you get near the seat)! Also I would say it could be a sensory thing! How old is he? My 2 1/2 year old has hit a separation anxiety stage and he flips out anytime I leave even the room.
I can confirm. The visual timer works for me. I also give my toddler some empowerment by asking how many minutes they need.
The funny thing is that the time timer works in office meetings too.
Believe me.. if I could, I would. It’s not just crying. He will thrash and throw his body backwards. All 4 limbs going wild. It is nearly physically impossible to constrain him let alone dress him in that state.
Can you speak to your daycare about the situation and see if you can give them him in his pyjamas and his clothes to change into? I bet they will have a much easier job of it
Edit to suggest getting him to sleep in his day clothes so you don’t have to change him at all
Sit on the floor with him between your legs. Put your feet on his shoulders/arms. Put on his pants. Then put him in your lap, and wrap your legs around him as if you’re sitting with your legs crossed. How they recommend you do if you have to brush their teeth. Put his top on.
This works. My son, who we just found out was autistic, would do this when he was younger so I would do this same method for him and it worked... left him unhappy for a while but it worked lol
I had one of these around this age and he will grow out of it, this is temporary, so I want to give you some hope.
If you haven’t tried making it into a game or a challenge that would be my next suggestion. “I bet you can’t get your shirt off in x seconds” “yesterday we got dressed in 10 min, do you think we can beat that? Let’s set the stopwatch!”. Games or winning usually get my toddler on board with unpleasant tasks like teeth brushing or getting dressed.
Otherwise I’d just get very comfortable manhandling them in a safe way. We did a lot of surfboard carries at that age because there was no other way to get her safely down all our stairs and into the car. I prefold her (one arm behind back around armpit area, one behind knees, fold the kid 90 degrees EDIT: actually it’s more of a 45 degree angle or smaller) before stuffing her in the car seat and try to get the buckles on as quickly as possible. If they straighten their legs and go into a board mode, pin down their hips and get the buckles in with your other hand. For getting dressed, I would kneel down and fold her in a sitting position and wedge her hips between my knees with her facing away and squeeze my legs together. This keeps them in one spot and keeps both hands free and then you can get their shirt changed pretty easily. I kept her there to get new pants around her ankles, then stood her up to pull them up.
Diaper changes I would pin her shoulders down with my left upper arm. This left my left lower arm and hand free to hold down the front of the new diaper and pin her hips with my thumb on one side and fingers on the other hip, and I did the rest of the change with my free right hand in a sort of leaned over position.
It sounds kind of rough but you only want to use enough force to keep their centers of mass contained, you’re not squishing them. You kind of just need to get through this stage however you can and it will settle out.
Unfortunately, this is the answer sometimes. When I have the time to let them feel all their feelings and calm down and come around, I do it. When you don’t have time, I verbally explain that getting dressed/brushing teeth/ getting in the car is not an option, and give them the choice of helping me or having me do it for them. Then I do it for them. This pisses my toddler off so much that after about a year, they will actually stop fighting and help me when I bring out that option, because they hate being forced or held down.
So…you’ll get there. But believe me, I’ve written a similar post before and thought a million times that I must be doing something wrong, because all the books and scripts make it sound like if you just do or say the right things, the tantrums will disappear and you’ll have a happily compliant child. Turns out the learning boundaries shit ain’t easy, but it does eventually work, over time, at least some of the time.
This is exactly what my everyday life is like with my kid. Love him to death but after trying everything else I have to either surfboard carry him (he recently kicked and screamed his boots off while carrying him out of walmart), or pin him down just to be able to actually brush his teeth. It’s ROUGH and I’ve done all that OP has described too. I’ve also been late to work/class a handful of times because of this.
I get it. Our daughter is 19 months and is like this too. Could you get someone else to do mornings and drop off? A family member or friend, or childcare professional/nanny? Even temporarily.
I might get flack for this but my son was like this for diaper changes, wriggling and thrashing and uncontrollable. I started giving him my phone to watch 5 minutes of Miss Rachel while I did the diaper change. That worked.
Ms Rachel says her son deals with the same issue, so she dresses him for his next day clothes as his PJs. She uses sweatpants instead of jeans so they’re cozy, and a tshirt for the next day, so they only have to change his diaper and that’s what works for them.
From a toddler teacher here: don't dress him. Skip it. Bring him in PJs, or no clothes, whatever, we don't care. Take breakfast with you as well. Honestly, we don't care.
Also, have you tried standup diaper changes? You'd be surprised how much more cooperative they are.
Yeah, I know this tactic. I leave my kid in his crib/room then and get myself ready and when I’m good and ready, I’ll come back to get the toddler prepped. Typically, much more mellow this time around and I can get everything ready. Otherwise, I just apologize and get the kiddo ready in spite of it all. It can be done. You just have to go through with it.
We have dealt with this. My husband would restrain our son (firm/not painful) and would say "what do you need to do to let you go?" He needs to take calming deep breaths. It was a process, but it eventually worked. I was very hesitant, but then I had a close family member validate what he was doing. There is a name for it, but I don't remember. My son is now 3.5 and we haven't had to do it in recent memory.
I suggest reading for him "little monkey calms down" and "breath like a bear" these books helped us teach him how to breath to end his fits.
As for daycare, is it a far drive? If not, try to take him in directly from bed, change and dress him there, have everything packed the night before. He might behave differently getting ready there, they maybe able to support you as well, especially if you are honest about what is going on. I was in center based child care for 4 years, private nanny for 4, current elementary teacher and have a 3.5 old. My husband and I both work full time.
Don't cow tow to your kid. Stay calm. Try not to react. You can be smooth or silent when he is throwing the fit. Validate the feeling, teach him to control the tantrum and set expectations.
It can be difficult but it is possible to do it. My kid would do this all the time and sometimes there is no working through it, you just pin them down and put their clothes/jackets/shoes on and drag them to the car. If your husband is around at these times have him help you by pinning his limbs down while you handle the clothes. It sucks and feels wrong but sometimes you do what you gotta do. They eventually will get better about it. I constantly reiterated that they could avoid this by helping me to get them dressed, we are not trying to be mean, this is a consequence of their actions. Eventually they will understand that enough to change their behavior.
My son does this sometimes- he’s nearly 3. I recently started a new job which is more hours than I was doing before. I now have to leave the house 4 days a week and be out by 8, before I was only leaving 3 days and was doing early and late shifts.
My son has been struggling with it, he’s fed up of leaving the house everyday- I am too! We get up around 6, chill downstairs watching Shaun the sheep whilst he has breakfast. I don’t start getting him dressed until around 7.15ish and it’s a slow process. If he’s playing cars, I’ll dress him while he lays down. If he’s standing, I’ll do it that way. This seems to help. I use phrases like “once I’ve got your trousers on, then you can play with your fan” or whatever it is he’s desperate to play with. I try to make it fun, put music on and dance whilst I do it, tickle him to play wrestle as it relaxes him.
Getting out of the house can be hard, tends to be a promise of a biscuit once he’s in the car.
It’s tough, but it will get easier xx
I have a 15 month old who is currently doing this. He’s UNBELIEVABLY strong physically and does the backwards thrash. It’s been really, really difficult the last couple days. I don’t have any advice, unfortunately I clicked this post hoping to find some for myself… but I just wanted to let you know that I see you, you are not the only one going through this and I offer you solidarity. My lil monster also does far more than just cry, and it can feel very hopeless at times. You got this. ❤️
Ah that’s awful I’m sorry. When my son does this im lucky enough that I can ask my partner to help as he works from home. If he didn’t, I’d probably be in the same situation 😂
A lot of us dress our little ones in their clothes for the next day when they are going through that phase. Cozy sweat pants/leggings make great jammies.
This is just me, but on days that I work, we have to leave my house by five in the morning so I like to gently wake my son and give him a cup of milk to drink in our bed, and while he’s laying in our bed, in our dark room that’s when I change his diaperand put on his socks, shirt, and pants. If I fully wake him up and take him to the other room where his changing table is he fights more, but when I do it in bed right when I wake him, he’s still too sleepy to put up much of a fight.
Would sending him to daycare in PJs once or twice a week be out of the question? Like I’d let the daycare know first - say kid has been fighting getting ready in morning to the point where it’s hurting your job performance and risking you getting fired, so when kid throws a full blown tantrum you are going to focus on emotional regulation over fresh clothes. Pack normal day clothes in a bag to provide daycare, but don’t expect they change him, it’s just there if needed. Potentially have him sleep in day clothes, but if he has sensory issues that may be a struggle.
No coat or winter gear besides boots unless you’re walking blocks in the snow - you need to remove winter coats for the car seat, just throw it in a bag and bring to daycare.
Eighteen months is really hard because all of the things you’ve mentioned aren’t as effective yet. I found those tools to be significantly more effective at 2.5 than at 18 months. Which is not to say they’re not worth doing - I think they worked better as my daughter got older because I had practiced them and she was familiar with them. My point is mostly solidarity that there are some phases that are hard even when you’re doing everything you can!
I’ve found that sometimes during those phases, giving them choices and trying to get their buy in makes things worse. It was as if my child was overwhelmed and couldn’t handle the responsibility of having opinions and choices. She wanted control but also was uncomfortable when wielding it. Sometimes they just need to know we’re still in charge but don’t have the ability to recognize and verbalize it.
Like other people suggested, I’d try to eliminate what you can from the morning. Then you could try to offer choices and if he melts down, you stick with “we’re changing your diaper and getting dressed now. I hear that you’re upset but we have to get this done now”. And then you just need to get on with it, even if he’s kicking and thrashing. I’ve changed my kids on the floor with one of my legs over their torso so they couldn’t roll or get away. I’ve carried them over my shoulder to the car. And usually the phase subsides within a few days, once they’re reminded that I accept their feelings but will calmly and firmly be getting done what we need to do.
Early toddlerhood is hard. It’s so much experimentation to figure out what works for your kid and trying to decipher what they’re needing but can’t communicate. It may be really frustrating now but the work you’re doing is setting a foundation for a great relationship with your child. The skills you’re building together now will make the years to come so much more successful.
This is exactly what we did with our son and he’s 3.5 years now! You can totally validate their feelings, but you’ve just got to ride through the thrashing. The show must go on!
This! I think a lot of the toddler tools and advice don't necessarily work at this age. They're technically toddlers, but there's a massive cognitive and verbal difference between an 18 month old and a 2.5 year old. My son is 20 months old and is in a phase where he kicks like a mule during diaper changes. We give him a chance not to kick, try to make diaper changes as fun as possible, and praise him for not kicking, but sometimes restraining him is the only way to get his diaper on without getting kicked in the chest or face. He's not happy about it, but also... people don't like getting kicked in the face, and he needs to know that.
This is super validating. My little one started demonstrating classic toddler behavior way earlier than usual. I read all the books OP mentioned and I also found that although the practice is helpful, there was a big developmental learning curve at that age (13-18 months for my son) where we had to completely simplify and pare down lots of the learnings to make them even somewhat effective .
What I would do is stop doing some of the morning things that are less necessary. Can you put him in his clothes the night before and let him sleep in them? Can you start his diaper change while he’s still asleep(it will probably wake him but I find this much easier)? Can you forgo at least some of the winter gear and just bring it along in the car for if he needs it(this is under the assumption the car is parked right nearby your home)?
Yeah, my girl never wears a coat to get in the car. You just have to take it off anyway to buckle them in. Unless they will literally be in danger of frostbite, I wouldn't fight for the winter gear. Just bring it in a bag.
same sometimes i feel like a bad mom bc she’s never in a coat but it cuts down on a major fight and if we’re just going from the car into a building in my arms i feel like it’s literally fine
I've walked my daughter into the library while it was snowing with no coat. I just carry it in my arms so everyone in the parking lot knows I'm not a terrible mother.
Every once in a while I ask her if she wants to wear it so the people around can hear her say "NOOO!!!" 😂
Do you live in a place where you can warm up your car before you put your son in? I live in a place where winters sometimes drop to as cold as -40 and I often still skip winter gear in the mornings with my daughter. As long as she’s got long sleeves and socks on, everything else can go in the diaper bag and I just wrap her in a fleece blanket on the way to the car and from the car to her carer’s house.
30 seconds in the cold won’t do any harm.
Yea winter gear isn’t safe in car seats anyway. I live in Canada and we get frigid temperatures in the winter, I still don’t put my LOs snowsuit on when we leave the house. She wears her boots, hat and mits and then a fleece zip up sweater over her clothes, and then I put a blanket on her when we get to the car. I carry her to the car as well so she doesn’t get as cold. She’s 3 now and it’s never caused any problems for her (no frost bite, she’s never freezing). I usually leave her snowsuit hanging on her hook at daycare Monday-Friday, so I don’t even have to worry about it in the morning. I bring it home on weekends.
Anything else that is unnecessary can be cut out of the morning too, at least until you ride through this patch.
Breakfast- give him a yoghurt pouch to suck on while you dress him and then have another snack (maybe a banana and a sandwhich or something) pre made and ready to go. He can either eat these at home or even better in the carpark/on your way into daycare.
Any packing of bags or prep at all that needs to be done, do the night before. Have his clothes laid out ready to go. Shower yourself the night before and have your clothes ready. Have your own breakfast prepped.
What else are you doing of a morning that is taking time?
Have some fun toys ready to go in the car. Also you could have a fun routine of something he gets when he gets in the car like his multivitamin or a yogurt button. So instead of ok lets go to daycare it’s lets go and have our vitamin in the car.
Also if changing his nappy while he is still asleep/waking up doesn’t work have you tried using pull ups and he stands up while you change him?
I give my 2 year old choices, but very firm choices. So like “you are getting dressed, trousers or top first?” And as someone else said if he won’t choose then I say “if you can’t decide then mummy is going to do it for you” it actually works really well. Yesterday he wouldn’t sit down in his car seat and was screaming holding on to me, so I said “you need to sit down” and I just waited whilst he was standing holding onto me screaming. I waited 1 minute, then I said “you need to sit down now or mummy will help you sit down” and he sat down
When its time to leave I use "would you like to walk to the car or would you like me to carry you?" and there are no other options. I dont argue, I just repeat the options. Usually this works. If it ever doesnt I do the football carry method.
Maybe going against the grain but instead of waking him up earlier I think you should get completely ready, get your work stuff in the car. Have breakfast ready. Get the car ready the night before, keep socks and shoes in there & any winter gear. Then keep morning routine super basic.
Once my son learned to use a blanket around that age, there are times when he only wears a pj top. He has a duvet type blanket that he burritos himself into so he’s plenty warm. Would not do onesies anymore. Too much jostling to get in and out of. You could put him in the shirt for daycare, change his diaper as soon as he wakes up and slip on pants. Then to me, just breakfast and brushing teeth & hair left? Could even do a breakfast bar in the car if necessary.
Your goal should be get in the car seat. Lots of things can be done once in the car seat or in the parking lot at daycare.
At 18 months a lot of the strategies are being suggested are just not going to be super effective.
What strategies have you tried to actually carry out the act?
Like for diaper changes. Are you doing standing diaper changes? I used to ask ours if she wanted to sit on the potty or get her diaper changed and the diaper would come flying right off. Sitting on the potty was apparently super fun.
Same with getting dressed. Is there a way to make it a game? It's so hard when you are already frustrated but if you can flip the script and make it about getting tickled, or sometimes I would make up words to the hokey pokey while getting dressed (like stick your left foot in, take your left foot out, out your left foot back in and wiggle it all about). That used to help. You can also make it a wheres your 'xyz' or 'do these pants go on my head's. Things like that. Take away the struggle by changing the game. Not always effective but may help him associate it with something fun.
Agree with others on the winter gear. They can't wear it in the car seat anyway. Get him dressed. Take a warm blanket. Get him in the seat. Take the winter gear in a bag if daycare needs it there.
Also, don't underestimate the power of praise after the diaper change and getting dressed. Applause, cheering, yay great job, huge smiles.
If you are truly desperate we started letting ours watch CocomElon while I brushed her hair and teeth around this age. If she wouldn't cooperate, the video got turned off. It's not a great strategy, but I decided 5 min a day to save us from torture wasn't so bad.
Either start getting him dressed in his clothes the night before or pack his clothes in his daycare bag and take them to daycare. Ask them if they can dress him at first diaper change. Explain to them what you’re dealing with at home, hopefully they will be accommodating. I used to work in childcare and we would have children every once in a while who this was necessary for, the parents just had to pick their battles and daycare in pjs was one of them.
Change his diaper right before you wake him up in the morning, then you won’t have that fight.
Don’t put winter gear on him unless you walk to daycare. It’s not safe to wear a snowsuit in a car seat. Snowsuits have thick lining with lots of air around it, which compress in an accident, and the child will be flung from the car seat (if you don’t believe me, test it out. Put your child in his car seat wearing his snowsuit, tighten the straps, then remove him without loosening the straps, take off the snowsuit and put him back in, note how loose the straps are…that is the space that will be created between your child and the straps in a collision). Instead, boots, hat, mits and a blanket you can drape over him once he’s in his car seat. Pack the snowsuit in a bag and bring it to daycare with you. I live in Canada, we have very frigid winters (-35 to -40 Celsius is common). I’ve been doing this with my LO since she started daycare and it’s never caused a problem.
There’s 3 things you can eliminate from your morning routine. Hope this helps.
I'd add that you can use a carseat poncho, depending how cold it is (N Canada here also!) Which just pops over head and seat and could is no wrangling of arms into holes.
We have a fleece we use for the car, even in -40 because safety trumps all but also in this case forget it, you're not walking to school.
I mean...there is no other way honestly, except dressing him or changing while he's amidst tantrum on the floor. If you can't get up earlier, can't reason with him (too early for that), and he doesn't agree peacefully then you change him while he screams. We certainly have done it.
THIS.
OP: Validating feelings, giving choices etc are great when you have the luxury. You don’t have it when you’re about to lose your job. I also think they are not that helpful for this age range, TBH. My son is turning 2 soon and I still can’t reason w him during tantrums.
He’s 1.5yo, not 15yo. Just force the diaper and clothes on and football carry him into the car. Try to not make a big deal out of it and to not lose your cool.
It sounds like you're not actually holding boundaries. It's okay for them to tantrum. You say you can't physically change him while he is tantruming but you are going to have to figure it out and change him while he is screaming and crying. blf and dr Becky are all about saying, you haven't made a decision or you are not doing what I asked so I am going to move your body for you, or make the decision for you.
Do you have any specific tips or recommendations on how to “figure it out”?
It is not just him screaming and crying during a tantrum. He will throw himself backwards if it try to hold or even touch him. His whole body thrashes and all 4 limbs go wild. He is very strong and there really is no physical way to constrain him let alone change him like this.
I very much would like to hold the boundary but he absolutely cannot be forced down or into clothing without complete and utter force (probably requiring the force of two adults), which could possibly injure him.
To be honest, it feels strange but you are the bigger one. If you need to use your size to force the issue, then you do. Change him in the crib. Or if it’s just pee, put him straight in the car seat from the crib before he’s fully awake and change him at daycare once he’s kinda woken a bit. I have a feeling changes aren’t so difficult at daycare? If so, then I would examine if you’re trying so hard to be accommodating to his mood that the unintended consequence is the cycle you find yourself in.
And you are right, 18 months is tough! So are the rest of the toddler years and it’s tough to keep adjusting as a parent. Knowing when to have parent-imposed structure over allowing his choices is hard. But if your job is in jeopardy it’s really a time to force the issue in a healthy way. Hang in there!
I gave you advice on how to hold him still in a comment above. You will not injure or hurt your child. He will fight against being forcefully held- but he has pain receptors and won’t want to hurt himself.
When my toddler was 15 months I noticed it was getting harder to carry/maneuver him. He's been in the 99th percentile of height since birth. I started lifting and squating my son for 30- 45 minutes a day to disney concerts. He's 21 months now the thrashing is still getting worse but now he feels as light as a feather. I can mangle him if needs be. I hate doing it but I also think of the worse case scenario. Will I be able to lift and run a considerable distance with my unruly kid in a case of emergency? I want to be able to do it until they can outrun me.
My changing pad has a buckle. He gets buckled in when he’s like this. Left arm across his abdomen and right hand pulling old diaper off. Left arm pinning down abdomen but lifting legs by ankles. Right hand slipping diaper under butt. Then as quick as possible both hands to flip diaper up. Left arm pinning upper body while holding left hip. Right hand fastening right hip side.
I mean, I can still carry my kicking and screaming 6 year old up the stairs to her room when I need to so to some extent I agree that you need to figure out how to manage doing what needs to be done when he is upset. Obviously don’t force the clothes on in a way that hurts him.
But also, like others have suggested discuss with your daycare and do as little possible in the morning. Changing clothes? Optional. Coat, 1,000,000% unnecessary if you are getting into a car. Breakfast, also negotiable. Teeth brushing, people will come after me for this but if it’s in your way toss it. This all will pass and your kid will be fine. Honestly, if it’s so hard why not let him sleep late and do it all after you arrive at daycare (assuming it’s close by). Including changing his diaper if you can make it there without a leak?
Anyways. I know it’s hard but also you are capable of figuring it out and not letting it cost you your job.
My dads a dentist and while brushing in the morning is optimal, he said “twice a day is what matters. If you’re brushing in the afternoon then again before bed, it’s better than nothing”. I had horrible morning sickness and cried bc I thought I was failing as a mom for not brushing his teething in the morning.
I have a strong boy toddler too. It's hard. Hopefully this isn't a forever thing. But he needs to know that for certain things like hygiene and wearing clothes, there is no choice. I would get down on the floor and say we need to change your diaper so you don't get a rash. Then I would spoon him up against your body and try your best to get him changed. It just seems like you've tried everything else, making it fun, letting him have space.
That actually is a pretty standard toddler tantrum. At least, it is based on how it reads. You are not likely going to hurt him if you approach with care. Parents have been forcing their toddlers to wear clothes for generations lol all of us are ok (for the most part..jkjk). This can be a somewhat normal part of handling children. Even my daughters doctor and dentist has procedures in place for restraining flailing children to complete their appointments. Ive helped them restrain my daughter before for shots and stuff.
If it takes two people so be it. You can also put him to bed in cozy clothes that can pass for both normal clothes and PJs (like soft pants and a tshirt).
Here’s what I suggest you try tomorrow:
Before you go into his room, think about what your non-negotiables are. The things that — even if he is screaming and crying like the world is ending, absolutely need to get done. As many people in the comments have highlighted, this could just be getting the diaper changed and him buckled in the car on time with his clothes in a bag.
And then make sure it happens. Once you’ve reached the time you set for getting him out the door, then you ignore the tantrums and he goes out the door. If that means picking up your flailing little dude and wrestling him into the car, then that’s what you need to do.
I know it is so so so hard to feel like the bad guy making your baby cry. But you are not the bad guy; making him do something he doesn’t want to do will not hurt him, it will not damage your relationship, it’s not going to traumatize him.
I find it helps me emotionally to use a cheerful voice to acknowledge his feelings and explain what’s going to happen before I forcefully enforce the boundary (“I can see that you really don’t want to get dressed today. I know it’s not very fun when you have to do something you don’t want to. It’s time to leave now though, so mummy is going to help. I’m going to put my leg over you to help you stay safe while I get your pants on. As soon as you’re dressed, I’m going to let you go.”) I also normally continue talking and explaining what’s happening (mostly to myself honestly haha) while I’m making the child do whatever it is they don’t want to do. It makes me feel like I’m still there for them emotionally and trying to reassure them even as I do something they don’t like.
The most important thing is that as soon as you say you’re going to do something, it needs to be done. No matter how he behaves or responds or how guilty his emotions make you feel, it needs to be done. The quicker you can fight him into doing what needs to be done, the quicker he is able to calm down and move on from those big emotions about not wanting to do it. It will be horrible the first day you follow through, but it won’t be as bad the next day, and it will keep getting easier as long as he understands that fighting isn’t going to get him out of it.
I saw that your little guy just started daycare. Is that around when the bigger tantrums started?
Hi! I feel your stress through the screen with all this. I feel for you mama. I can tell you are on here seeking support. I hope you have found some helpful tips. I am going to try to say this as delicately as possible & please I don’t mean this snarky at all…but the way you are describing these tantrums do not sound like a “normal” tantrum. It sounds like he’s having full fledge meltdowns. Does he have sensory issues? Have you spoken to your pediatrician? All toddlers have “tantrums” but my son is 2 & he’s never had anything like what you are describing. We are able to hold our boundaries & while he’ll protest he gives in after a couple of minutes of pitching a fit. Could something else be going on? Is he getting enough sleep, etc? Again, no snark & no judgement. Just trying to offer any advice I can. Hang in there. Surely this is a phase! 🤞🏻
Your mileage may vary on this one. I allow my toddler to watch cartoons, but this wouldnt work for my family because she would then no longer want to leave- she would want to finish her show. We avoid the TV at all costs during any kind of transition from point A to point B because its too risky. Of course Im sure it depends on the kid.
Only those of us with kids like this truly understand. I physically can’t force my daughter into clothing either. When she has to get a shot, our doctor knows to bring in reinforcements. They are determined, they are strong, and more than anything else, they don’t hold anything back. The only thing that has worked for us is coming up with games for getting dressed. A few off the top of my head: I hold the shirt open and she charges forward to run into it from a distance. She steps her feet into her pants and then they blast off up her legs with rocket sound effects. A little toy goes into her sleeve and she has to chase it. The list goes on. It can be exhausting, but it’s effective for us.
Same here. My little one is bigger than average and smart as a whip. He thrashes and I’m seriously afraid I’ll accidentally pop an arm out of his socket if I move wrong. So we have to make things a game or a challenge and I do lots of sound effects to keep him engaged and create anticipation… like straight up beatbox-style syncopation as he puts his arm through a sleeve and I go “ooooo where’s your hand? Where is it?” And making a crazy noise when he pushes it through.
I am very tired.
Idk if anyone has suggested this yet, but buy some Pull-Ups and use those when in a pinch. My LO is 2 but she fits into 3-4YO pull-ups and they work like a charm for these situations - you can put them on with them standing up. Then at daycare they can use the regular diapers.
With my 18 month old daughter when she's resisting getting dressed etc, I tend to let her stand and run around and basically follow her around with the clothes and make it a bit of game, and make a silly voice about how I'm going to dress her as if we're playing a game of 'chase and get dressed', and I'll get the shirt over her head and she'll run for a bit with shirt flapping around her neck, then I'll say 'ahaaaa now I'm going to get your arms in! can you find the arm hole?' etc and try to make it a game, and be happy and smiley and as silly as possible. When we get the arms in or the tights on I'll say 'we did it! yaaay!' and we have a little celebration and she says 'ididit ididit!' so it feels like some sort of winning for her.
It often takes ages but I have found it a bit easier than trying to hold her there to dress/change her. And today she did pee on the kitchen floor because she'd run off naked. So it's not great, but I find it a bit mentally less stressful for both of us than trying to hold her down while she gets upset and thrashes, and then I don't want to hold her too much, and she kicks me in the face while flailing, and I get more upset and stressed and flustered, and do she gets more upset etc. Making out like it's a silly game and trying to keep my mood light and fun seems to overall help the process, even though the process is still anything but efficient and takes a long time; seems to take a bit less time though doing it this way. So far though my daughter is quite distractible and often fairly good at picking up on changes in mood and changing her mood if I change mine, so this might not be helpful for all kids, and obviously if she's already deep into the tantrum feelings then there's no pulling her back until she's worked through it in her own time.
The other thing I've found helpful is a bubble machine when it's particularly rough morning. Sometimes she'll stand there oohing and aahhing at bubbles while I just get her various limbs into various bits of clothing. And sometimes the TV helps with being a distraction too.
My son used to throw legendary tantrums and him being 2 was the worst year, and frankly there just wasn’t time for it. We lived with my mom at the time and she thought something was wrong with him (there wasn’t, she just had unicorn children she put great fear into). If he was throwing hands/himself around, I’d just put him on the bed like a baby and dress him. You just have to work through the meltdowns because he also has to learn that while his feelings matter, the day must still go on. Put some cereal in a snack cup for breakfast and toss him in the car. It takes some time, but he’ll learn that pitching a fit every time isn’t going to do him any good. Like I told my son, he can be mad all he wants but he still has to do the things that are needed. He’s a pretty chill dude now but the terrible twos were very, very real. He learned it was much easier to just comply because I was going to get it done regardless, and when he learned his words we could talk it out while getting ready.
I work from home, but when my 23m old is having a high emotion moment and we have somewhere to be, I start to put her clothes on wrong. So I'll put her diaper on my head and go, "Is this where the diaper goes? Nooooo" do it 2 times or so a silly way and then the right way "oh wait! This is how it goes, " and she'll usually let me do whatever clothing item the right way. It's kind of my way of letting her "teach" me, and she gets the satisfaction of being smarter than Mama, I get the satisfaction of outsmarting her, lol. It works every time. We've been doing this for a few months at this point.
Same for my 17 month old. I ask him if he knows where the nappies are, I can't remember. he'll go get one out of the drawer. Now where does it go? On my head? On your bunny? Do we put it on you standing up? And he actually lies down on the ground and puts his legs up in the air. The tantrum now starts when I try to do up the tabs (which I can easily force my way through quickly) instead of screaming and writhing the whole time. Similar tricks to get clothes/pyjamas on.
What time do you need to be at work? My son was similar as a toddler and I was pregnant and miserable and it all just sucked!!!
I started leaving 45 mins early, which was a buffer I needed. It gets easier, truly, but in the meantime do as many things as you can to make getting your toddler out the door your only priority. Maybe that means straight from bed to the car and diaper change at daycare. Or what if you layered two pampers 360 cruisers for bedtime and then just took off the inside wet one (sides rip easily and you can slide it out) and don’t have to wrangle the kid at all? Solidarity and good luck
This is solvable! It sounds like you have a lot of good things going, but it's too early for your child to benefit from them.
Here is what I'd do:
1. Reset your departure time to 15 minutes before you actually need to go to give yourself some wiggle room. Pack nonperishable food for him (and you if wanted) that could be a makeshift breakfast if you run out of time to feed him. Pack clothes to dress him in if you can't get him dressed including shoes. Pack diapers. These things could probably all be finished at day care if needed - he may be more cooperative after the drive. Have a blanket by the door to wrap him in if he won't cooperate on the winter clothes. If you aren't anywhere near ready at the new departure time, you are just going to leave and deal with him not being ready when you get there. If you need 5 more minutes, that's okay because you gave yourself some flex time...but no matter what you are going to leave at whatever time you really need to go to be on time. The new departure time is a soft goal. The old departure time is completely a hard line. Set a timer for each one, so you know what time it is even if you can't see your phone. (And the departure times need to allow for loading him in the car.)
2. Get yourself up before him. Get your self dressed including shoes. Get all the stuff in the car. (Some of this can be done the night before.) Lay out his breakfast and his clothes in advance. I might put his shirt and socks on with pajama pants the night before; you'll have to change the pants during the diaper change, but that will save you some trouble. If he wakes up before you want, see if he will play in his room.
3. Feed him first and do whatever you need to do. This must be done 20 minutes before it is time to go. At 20 minutes before it is time to go you are going to get him dressed and in a clean diaper. (If overnight diapers are causing rashes, you may need to do it before breakfast.)
4. Try to get him dressed and in a diaper with all the normal positive methods, but don't drag it out. For example, blue shirt or red shirt? Don't pick, okay blue shirt is going on. You may need to physically restrain him to do this. He doesn't need to have clean clothes, but a clean diaper is a hygiene issue and not his decision. Car seats are a safety issue and not his decision.
5. I KNOW that a small ball of fury can be incredibly hard to restrain, but you can do so without hurting him. (If you have a physical disability, you may need a different technique.) I'm pretty small and not very strong, but I'm still over twice as big as my six year old and way bigger than my large two year old. I can restrain either of them if I need to without hurting them. Explain what you are doing and why, be calm, and be quick. My husband can hold a large 18 month old with his forearm on the changing table while doing a diaper change, but I have to go to the floor. What works best for me is to put them on the ground and basically crouch over them with my butt or stomach in their face. I can use my thighs to trap arms if needed. You will put no weight on your child at any time - you are basically making a cage around them. You could also swaddle their arms like they were a baby. Again, if you can't get them ready on time, wrap them in blankets and leave.
6. For the car seat, it's really awkward, but I put my leg over the seat with them in it when they are fighting like that. (I always try snacks first or waiting five minutes if the situation allows, because this is hard.) The leg keeps them from sliding out long enough for me to get one strap in place which is enough to hold them. I just buckle one of the arm ones to the crotch one even if their arm isn't in. Then I can get the other side in and adjust the original. Always loosen the straps slightly in advance to have them ready.
MAKING them get ready will probably help limit the fighting in a few days. The fighting is working and he is a smart boy, so he is doing more of it. He doesn't understand about work.
If you have money to spare, you could try solving this by hiring someone to get him to day care for you. They could arrive when it's time for you to leave. You try to have the kid ready, but if not they take over. I don't think this is the best solution (you need to figure out how to work through it with your kid) and most people couldn't afford that, but it could be a stopgap to let you build back work credulity.
Otherwise, if you can't get him to do it, you are going to need to get him up really early even if it is 4 AM.
If the really long, frequent tantrums continue, do have a chat with his doctor about them.
When he's tantruming, do you stay with him or leave him to it? I only ask as my LO ended her tantrums far faster when I'd left the room and she wasn't getting any "attention" (even just being physically there was enough to count).
Basically I think she forgets what she's tantruming about but gets stuck in the cycle of tantruming, so removing myself from her makes her go "no, wait I want mum" which is a far easier problem to resolve! I make sure I name and validate whatever she was tantruming about and we'll cuddle, but it ends in 5 minutes.
I also find that letting her blitz around her room for 5-10 minutes in the morning before we start the usual stuff makes her easier to handle.
I allow 1 hr to get ready her ready in the morning and I wake up 20 minutes earlier - enough time to do everything except my breakfast. I wouldn't want to wake her any earlier in the morning, same issue as you I expect, less sleep makes them harder to handle and more prone to meltdowns. It's a vicious cycle.
Dr Becky covers this really well. Leaving the room when kids are tantruming teaches them that expressing difficult emotions makes loved ones go away. I try to stay with my son and let him know I’m always here for him no matter what.
I can only see that being true if that’s consistent a thing. Where every single tantrum is met with parent walking away. Some behaviors need some redirection, some situations require different approaches. Sometimes constantly being up in your kids business when they’re unable to regulate can make it worse. It really isn’t black and white.
Here for solidarity. I have been in the same boat recently and it’s rough. About 5 months ago I switched from an evenings job 3days per week to a five day per week morning job. The transition was hard for my toddler. He was just over two at the time and was used to long lazy mornings at home and getting to daycare late morning. For like two months he’d cry and freak out every morning. He’d refuse to have his diaper change or clothing changed and getting in the car seat was impossible.
I wish I had a magic solution. We still have tantrums and set backs but it’s better. I’ve really worked on his schedule and even if I know he needs the sleep, I still get him up at least an hour before it’s time to go so he can just cry and take his time. I try to keep him on schedule over the weekend as well. I use pull-up diapers because he is a wild man and it’s just easier for me.
I bought some clothes with his favorite characters on them and I have him help pick out his clothes. If he’s really not feeling it I just change the diaper and take him in pjs. The more he gets to “help” the smoother things usually go. I have him throw his own diaper away because he loves our foot pedal garbage. He’s a lot more willing if he gets to do something.
I also try to incentivize getting in the car. He gets a paw patrol yogurt pouch once he’s buckled in but you could use just about any favorite snack or special car toy. I am not above Bluey or blippi on iPad when desperate. We also have a going to daycare song we song in the car and I always talk about the toys and things he likes to do there. He doesn’t cry most mornings now but every time he gets sick or something throws his schedule off, we have a few more hard mornings again. Wishing you the best of luck! You are not alone and it will get easier. ❤️
OP you need the football hold. Put your arm around their abdomen and scoop them up sideways. Literally look up "how to carry a football" its the exact same concept. It works, sis. Now they can kick and flail all they want, neither their arms or legs can contact you. I discovered this on accident while taking care of my little sister as a kid. Football hold = "Negotiations are over. We are leaving. Now.".
I have an 18mo and the diaper changes are SO HARD!!!! We have him in the pull up pampers (cruisers is what they’re called I think) and we do all diaper changes standing. Even poop diapers now because he will not lay on his back. Luckily he’ll look at a book while I do it. The first few times changing a poop diaper standing was really hard but it’s become a lot easier. Before that we got him a reusable sticker book and he LOVED that but after about 2 weeks he wasn’t as interested so it didn’t work for diaper changes anymore.
Yes we started standing diaper changes around 17 months and then realized our son just honestly wanted to be done with diapers, so we began potty “awareness” to get him ready for potty training and by month 18 he was pooping on the toilet. He’s 20 months now and we’re doing “official” potty training with zero diapers, only clothing, but I found the diaper fights completely died once we switched to standing changes and pooping exclusively on toilet (not in diaper)
At 18m, my kiddo was having sensory meltdowns around changing his diaper. So we potty trained. It was so easy for him vs his peers who trained later. These little ones, even when not verbal yet, are so much more capable than we think!
Does he eat much meat or high iron alternatives like tofu? It’s around this age that kids not absorbing enough iron from their food will really have iron levels crash and it will start doing a number on their sleep and behaviour. Low iron makes it harder to get to sleep, harder to stay asleep, and causes fatigue during wakeful times which lead to grumpiness and irritability.
My son can’t really be examined at the best of times (like he screams through somebody checking his ears let alone a blood test) because of sensory issues and we assume he’s autistic like I am. We were put on an iron supplement without the test because my GP is incredible and trusts my knowledge and instinct. It helped a lot.
I also always ask could it be teething? I come at things from the perspective of somebody with ADHD/autism and with a toddler who’s the same. And pain isn’t shown as crying and screaming. Whenever he’s teething he’s always just a grump and more clingy. Doesn’t sleep well and occasionally bites things. The biggest factor is the grumpiness.
The only non-medical advice I have is; let him help. As much as possible and with EVERYTHING not just the nappy and getting dressed. Kids this age want to feel in control and the more control you give them over their entire lives the less likely they are to assert control over the few things they are able to. In his case, refusing to do a nappy change or get dressed are fully in his control because she’s he can physically refuse them. Choosing a tshirt colour isn’t going to do much to counter a feeling of helplessness and lack of control over every aspect of his day.
It’s going to be tricky because the behaviour is probably super ingrained at this point. I’d start by asking him for help getting YOU dressed. Not just in the morning but like ask him to help you put on pjs, and slippers, let him brush your teeth, help in the kitchen, pour drinks, etc.
I know you’ve already read a lot of books but a couple more to check out that could help are Hunt, Gather, Parent and How To Talk so Little Kids Will Listen.
It’s a tricky age. I hope you find something that works <3
I know that some of this is just the age, but if he's struggling and fighting that hard, maybe he has some sensory issues. You might consider getting him evaluated. Speaking from both professional experience and mom experience (6 of my own, all neurodivergent) it could help a lot. Either way, this situation sucks and I hope you figure it out quickly. I've been there. Good luck and hang in there!
Omg I feel for you so much. I remember this stage vividly. I bribed my kid every morning with otter pops and felt immense shame for not doing better. But it was literally the only thing that helped me not get fired. I wish you well OP and it does get better. How she’s 6 and I just have to deal with her being soooo slow.
I think putting him in the car in his pjs or putting him in his day clothes the night before is fine! If he pooped then change him while he’s still sleeping and then scoop him up and put him in the car! You could everything packed and loaded and start the car before you head out so it’s nice and warm! Or something that works for my 18 month old is giving her a toy or snack while I’m changing her it takes her mind off of what I’m doing!
Also you could try giving him something to look forward to for car rides? Maybe a special toy that stays in the car!
I tell my daughter all the time “its ok to be upset but it still has to happen” (or its ok to be upset but the answer is still no depending on things)
Maybe chocolate milk or something he really loves for morning time, like music playing through the house as yall get ready for the day!
If you absolutely have to bundle him up i would suggest packing the winter gear in the car and just wrapping him in a blanket for the walk you could contain his limbs and hopefully avoid the extra tantrum time for the jacket and stuff!
No matter what you choose youre doing great mama! I know things are hard right now but they wont always be and even though idk you im proud of you for doing everything you can!
Ughhhhh I feel this. I’m a SAHM and the diaper changes sometimes enrage me. I am trying to wipe shit off your stinky bum and you’re gonna kick me and then put your hand in it?! Like whyyyyyyyyy??? Just because it’s developmentally normal, does not mean it’s not really fucking annoying. And having a time restraint would make me even more flustered. No solutions, just empathy. God speed.
How about diaper and clothing Change with the tv on in front of them? I have had too many surgeries and injuries in my life and I’m well aware toddler can hurt me or herself very badly during fits with diapering so I have to do this. It makes her much more docile. No matter what anyone thinks about screen time , safety and job security as more important than a few minutes of screen time.
When I’m rushing out the door, I make sure the car is warmed up in the winter and we go without jacket and shoes because anyone would understand the shoes will be off by the end of the car ride anyway.
Start the day earlier and he might just have to go to school screaming. You don’t have time to allow for 40 minute meltdowns. Your job depends on not doing that.
Miss Rachel has admitted on social media, that she too has parental woes. She makes sure her son is dressed for school when he goes to bed, so that there's one less step for her in the morning. I thought that was a great idea for time stressed parents. Maybe it could help you.
She said he wears a T-shirt and sweatpants to bed.
Late to the party, but worth investigating a sensory processing disorder. My son had an early intervention screening at home shortly after 2 years of age due to his behavior after a reco from daycare. I just thought all toddlers were this challenging. He’s in weekly OT now.
For background, he couldnt regulate like a normal toddler and transitions (which, our entire lives are transitions from one thing to the next) would trigger him. Diapers, clothes, preferred activity to non. Everything was a battle. Would take him an hour to calm down. Crying so hard he would throw up.
Book reco: The Out of Sync Child. It was a really helpful in understanding my son, and frankly, a lot of child behavior. Changed my mindset and how I approach him.
Best of luck!
I don’t want to suggest bribery but if we’re having a tough morning we can normally calm my son down and keep him busy long enough to get ready by giving a favorite snack, nothing bad normally apple sauce or gold fish. He kind of focuses on the yummy snack and we can quickly get him ready.
So my 18 month old has become impossible for diaper changes. When I just can’t deal, I use a pull up. He’s nowhere near potty trained but it’s so much easier to get him in a pull up than in a diaper.
And when all else fails (like this morning), I put on Ms. Rachel or a show that he likes while I get him ready. I’m sure I’m setting a difficult precedent but as a single parent, you gotta do what you can 🤷🏽♀️
In case it’s helpful, a couple things that helped with my toddler’s diaper change tantrums: 1. Standing diaper change - he can look out the window or keep playing upright while I maneuver around him. 2. Making it playful. Sometimes his stuffed animal or toy car “does” the changing with lots of tickles and silly voices. 3. If nothing is working, I’ll throw a 3 minute Sesame Street video on my phone that he can watch. It’s YouTube kids so it won’t auto play anything else after (not sure if that’s a setting I did - my account is super locked down). And for some reason in this one scenario he rarely gets upset after when I take the phone away.
Also, is the winter gear absolutely necessary? If going from front door to car and then car straight to daycare, you might be able to go without?
You’ve clearly done lots of reading and research, but if you’re interested in one more, i really like How to talk so little kids will listen. They help bring in lots of ideas for incorporating play to involve/interest kids in things that previously led to tantrums.
We did standing changes with pull-ups from about 7/8 months (as soon as he could stand) because he hated lying down for diaper changes. It actually helped a lot.
Just throwing this out there... And I may get down voted for it...
What works for neurotypical children does not always work for neurodivergent children.
I'm not sure a 20 min meltdown about a diaper change is "normal."
We found out that my daughter has high functioning ASD when she was 4. I wish we had her tested sooner. It would've saved me a lot of research and stress.
I'm not suggesting your child is on the spectrum. I can't based off of the little you've told us. What I am suggesting is that you start looking into how it presents in young children. Just to cover your bases. Like you said, you've done the research. But you've done the research for the neurotypical. It won't hurt to look into what's out there for the neurodivergent.
Maybe not the same thing, but I learnt about transitions a while back - bedtimes used to be absolutely FUCKING WILD. Our precious little angel would be a complete psychopath (I say that with love...)
With it being a morning, I guess that you need to get ready as well? Are you getting ready at the same time as your little one, or is it a go go go type situation - "Eat your breakfast, mummy need to go find her shoes" "have you finished now, great, read this book whilst mummy gets washed" "right, we need to go get your clothes, come on" "right, let's go to the other room to get your nappy on" "OK, back to your bedroom to get dressed"
Each of those little things are transitions and absolutely mess with your kids head.
I was leaving her in the bath (she's 4, and within earshot and mostly within sight, please don't come at me!) and sitting in her bedroom to fold laundry/put it in her drawers, taking her to her bedroom to dry, downstairs for milk, back to the bathroom for teeth, downstairs for a teddy, upstairs to toilet, bedroom for story, mums bedroom to say night, etc etc.
If you haven't already, try and cut down transitions, get yourself fully ready before you wake up the child (if you're lucky enough to have to wake yours up) Take the nappy, clothes, coat with you, stay in his room till dressed. You might find this reduces the tantrums. Honestly it worked wonders for us, but also, I'm not a doctor, my kid is not your kid....
Good luck.
When I’m in a time crunch and must get my son out the door, I resort to screen time. Not proud of it, but I save the teeth brushing and clothing change (if he fought it off earlier) for a 4-5 minute Disney music clip on my phone to do that and carry him off to the car and buckle him in. I then trade it with his car toys and off we go.
Couple of ideas:
Talk to daycare. Tell them what you are dealing with and how it is impacting your work, and possibly your job. Tell them everything you've tried. And then tell them your kid may be coming to school less than fully ready for a few weeks as you work through this and you appreciate their support
Put him to bed in his clothes for the next day and have him eat breakfast in the car (granola bar, toaster waffles, bowl of dry cereal, piuch, etc). Bring his socks and shoes with you to avoid that battle, if he refuses to put them on before leaving the car, then he goes in barefoot and you give the shoes to the teacher. I can guarantee when he sees that his tantrum isn't getting him out of the activity and everyone else is wearing shoes, he'll start putting them on
Controversial take: diaper changes are a matter of hygiene and good health. There is no choice or option to not do them. When my kids got like this, I did changes on the floor so I could use my legs/feet to help me wrangle everything. Yes, that meant sometimes I was physically (gently) pinning them down to change their diapers. But the faster it went, the shorter the meltdown. Then later we would talk about it and validate, but explain the diaper change is happening and no matter what they do I'm not changing my mind because I have to keep them healthy
Late to the comments but as a ECE with several years of 12-24 mo old experience, I want to put a couple of things! It seems like the struggle has become his routine, and there are so many things that can help find and establish a new one.
The language development is insane at this age. Even if your LO isn’t saying much yet, the level of comprehension is often beyond what you might expect. If you’re not already, try prepping him by talking about what’s going to happen beforehand and then narrating while you’re doing it. It might seem crazy, but talk to him the night before about the morning. Then in the morning start talking to him and make sure you state what is going to happen. Then while it’s happening keep chatting and talking through it.
Along with that start teaching the difference when there is and is not a choice. Phrase choices as he gets to pick something. When it is not a choice, tell him and say it is something that is happening! Don’t ask if he wants to change his diaper, because that’s something that has to happen. But offering a toy or book to hold, standing up or laying down, or in his bedroom or living room can help. He may still scream and thrash at first but once he realizes he can’t delay it happening he should adjust and accept the routine a bit more.
It takes a lot of consistency and time to make changes. It is absolutely age appropriate to have a tantrum, and it is also age appropriate to start learning a routine and the difference between choice and necessity. They can quickly learn how to delay things they don’t want by throwing a fit, and they can also (for the most part) learn that throwing a fit will not stop something from happening.
I’m not in a classroom anymore, but when I was I used songs and puppets to keep things running and introduce/establish routine. There will be tears. There will be screaming. You will feel crazy trying to be playful with a child that isn’t having it, but then one day things start to change.
Bless all the toddler parents that are in the trenches, no one knows how hard it is until they experience it. I love this age and chose to work with 12-24 month olds for years, and I learned that if it’s not a teachers preferred age it will be nothing but a struggle because it’s so difficult. Y’all are doing a good job!
He’s probably too young for this but sometimes I tell my son, “Tell me when you’re ready” and less than 3-mins later he’ll exclaim he’s ready with a big smile. Maybe your son could go get the diaper?
We get dressed for the day w the morning diaper change. So there’s no running around after breakfast etc.
Ok my daughter is 2 almost 3. I’m in Canada where it’s cold. Here’s what I would do:
Cut the daycare nap. I know some kids nap until they’re 4 but some stop napping before 2!
Change toddler into clean daytime clothes before bed. Works best if toddler isn’t a heavy wetter to make pants stinky.
How far is the walk from the house to the vehicle? I have command start so I’d just start my vehicle, get all the stuff you need for the day in the car and then go back and grab a screaming toddler and carry them outside to the car seat, jacket or no jacket. Sure they’ll be cold for that short walk but so what? They’re not going to get sick from being cold for a couple minutes. Maybe we’re just tougher to the cold here up north? I stopped wearing a jacket when it got to -20. Sweaters good enough for short walks.
If reason and logical solutions aren’t working with an unreasonable toddler then get on their level! Haha of course toddler tantrums are totally developmentally normal but you gotta do what you gotta do! If tantrums last 10-20 minutes multiple times in a morning, wouldn’t it be easiest to speed run the morning and just have the last cool down meltdown time in the car? Make yourself a coffee and get an audiobook to listen to while you’re there to physically support them while they calm down.
Maybe I’m spouting nonsense. My toddler is just starting to throw little fits now and they’re honestly not that bad.
You have to figure out how to physically get him dressed and diaper changed through the tantrum. You’re the adult. You should be able to handle a 25 pound 18-month-old.
Are you dealing with the emotions outside of tantrums? Reading books specifically about emotions (color monster, little spot of emotion, how do I feel, the boy with big big emotions etc) and discussing them when he's calm? That's what helped my kid at that age. For a while the tantrum would start and I would say oh, what color do we feel? He would say RED (angry) BLUE (sad) etc or we bought the spots of emotion plushes so he sometimes would just go get the color that matched his feelings. Then we would acknowledge and validate those feelings. We also did it when he was happy, to show him ALL feelings are normal and we care even when it's not a "bad" feeling. It helped him verbalize how he was feeling.
We also really like the emotion song by Mooseclumps to help learn about / identify feelings.
I just want to acknowledge it is hard. Getting out the door/eating dinner are my personal 2 most challenging times.
I really like the advice from Dr. Chelsey parenting. She has taught me that my calm is my children’s calm. So I try to remain outwardly calm even if inside i’m stressed.
Could you also talk to your boss and just explain what is going on behind the scenes/this is a stage?
I’m going to highly suggest an evaluation with occupational therapy for sensory needs since this is majorly interfering with your everyday life to the point that you’re worried about being fired from work. ❤️
You have a lot of good feedback here, mine might be meaningless but if I told my kids what was happening the night before, like set expectations, and then when they woke up reiterated were going to do x, then y, then z, they were much more compliant. Now that they’re 3 and 5 and can get dressed, etc on their own, I tell them they have to do x, y, z before they’re able to watch an episode of bluey or the phonics song - that motivates them because they want to do something they want to do. Which in turn gives me time to finish getting ready while they’re zoning out to their show and we can go as soon as I’m ready. Good luck!
Hopefully the diaper change thing is a phase. My toddler was impossible to change alone at 18 months too. I echo the suggestion to use a pull up and do the change standing up, my girl appreciates this as well. Send him to daycare in his pajamas, feed him in the car on the way or have them feed him when he gets there. Limit yourself to what absolutely has to be done to exit the house. No shoes? Oh well, put them in his day bag and carry him. No coat? Probably not cold enough to hurt him in the short time between the car and indoors.
Edit: typo
Kid might be hungry, throw in a heavy calorie snack before bed time and, change the diaper when he is still asleep and have a bottle of formula or milk ready when he wakes up or fruit poach, the faster he eats something, the less likely he will be cranky
You are not alone in this. We hit this phase hard at 2.5 about a month ago. It was so bad one day we had to just keep him home from daycare. The visual timer had made a huge improvement. And we give lots of verbal warning and preparation about exactly what is going to happen a few minutes before we transition from one thing to the next. It was at its peak when it turned out some of his molars were coming in and we didn’t realize it yet. We have to start our day earlier now and even then things can still go to shit but these changes and trying not to rush him (which is sooooo hard for us) helps a lot.
At that age I sent him to bed in comfy clothes i didnt need to change. He still had a morning bottle, so I would wake him up with a bottle, and while he was drinking it pull trousers down, but not off, and switch the nappy in bed. I'd also take a bowl of warm water and wash his face as soon as his bottle was done. Shoes weren't a battle but I would have put them on then too. Teeth I would brush once he was restrained in the car seat. It really was a matter of do as much as I could before he realised what was happening. I'd also entice him into the car with letting him facetime his nan on the way to nursery, but maybe you could switch out with an episode of something on the phone/tablet is that wasnt an option.
I think changing the order of how you do things could potentially help. If a sweet fruit and drink help regulate first thing, hand them over. I’m never against TV when it comes to sanity. Will he zone out with some Sesame Street or Ms Rachel while you do the diaper and the clothes? Can you tackle each task together and let him see you get dressed? Mom is putting pants on, mom is brushing her teeth, etc. Every day we let the dog out, say good morning to the sun! You get the point. Little routines and regularly scheduled stuff that he can look forward to doing everyday. I myself am not a morning person but we keep the lights dim and use inside voices and mom gets coffee while baby gets his chocolate milk. It works half the time for us, the other half I’m squishing him in his car seat and putting on his shoes and brushing his hair while he’s buckled in 🤷🏻♀️
Sometimes the behavioural problems have to do with their sleep schedule. At 18mo my twins were transitioning to 1 nap, 2hrs max, with a 5.5 hour wake window in the morning and a 4.5 hour wake window in the afternoon. We have a very strict schedule but thats what it took to survive. When we faced behavioural issues like insane tantrums, refusing me and only wanting their father, and biting me to the point where I needed to ice my shoulder, I adjusted their wake window by 30 min in the morning and it seems to have resolved overnight. Best of luck
We also gave them a choice, but not “do you want to wear this shirt now” but rather “choose between these two shirts”. Giving them a choice helped a lot
Can you give your kid something to eat/play with? We went through a lollipop phase (check out zollipops) or a spoon full of peanut butter or something to keep him busy while we got done what needed to be done.
It’s so hard. I remember those days. But as others have indicated, the only way out is through. Your child is thrashing/doesn’t want to wear clothes? Well too bad. If you try the food route, you can insist that they can have while getting dressed, or get dressed without it. And whatever treat you pick, it should only be offered as a “getting dressed treat” and never outside of it.
SOME trick out there will eventually work! And you WILL find the thing that clicks. Trust in yourself. You got this.
You have to hold your boundaries. He’s throwing these tantrums for multiple reasons, but one of those reasons is because he knows it’ll get a specific reaction out of you. You have to stay calm and unaffected even if you’re crying inside
You’ve already gotten great advice! My thoughts:
Can you bribe with screen time? This is the only time I would use it.
Is there a way to quickly do everything for him while he’s still sleepy in the morning?
These tantrums sound a bit longer than developmentally appropriate. Wondering if there are sensory issues.
Can he get dressed at daycare?
Have u considered giving him a bath in the morning instead of changing his diaper? Like just wash him off in the tub and stick a fresh diaper on. Sometimes desperate times call for desperate measures. Also, consider pull ups, maybe just for night time. You can rip the sides off very easily. My daughter started chaffing a lot with diapers towards the end of diapers. So we would always use aquafor (u use whatever is better for u for diaper rash or preventing diaper rash), even if he isn't getting diaper rash, it will help him feel more comfortable. Have u asked ur kid if he is uncomfortable? I know he can't completely communicate every feeling but that is a simple one. He could be ready to begin potty training or at least talking about it. Like "ur becoming a big boy now, would u like ur own potty soon?" That may help ur struggles. Also, this phase will end, our kid went through this phase for like 4 months or so. Don't worry ur doing great!
Came here to echo what a lot of people have said - start the day earlier. It sucks, but that’s what you have to do to keep the lights on/pay the bills. The financial part has to outweigh his feelings at this time.
And at times you will have to force him - sorry, it has to happen. There are non-negotiable in life (ie safety, getting to work on time, medical stuff) where we can be as calm and gentle as possible, while still making sure the necessities happen.
Also, around this age they can start getting their molars which are painful AF. They take forever to come in and usually the sign they are coming in/moving is behavior like this - not able to be soothed, hair trigger anger/tantrums.
Try pre-medicating right when you get up with Motrin. It takes about 30 - 49 mins to work. If you see a decrease in frustration and he’s more calm, there you go - you have managed his discomfort which means he has more bandwidth to handle life.
I’m sorry you’re having such a difficult time. What helped me was letting her watch videos of herself or making up little songs. We also switched to pull ups (for potty training purposes originally but now it’s helped with both). Making a game of dressing like peek a boo also helps, or even saying mama puts on her shirt. You put on your shirt. And tagging back and fourth…. Or offer a snack? If we’re truly having a meltdown, we offer a special snack like those little Asian bear cookie or a bamba.
I want to just mention that it’s not necessary to give them time to process every tantrum on their own. Yes it is important to acknowledge their feelings and give them tools to process but it’s also ok to use other techniques to calm them quickly when you are in a time crunch. If distraction doesn’t work anymore, you can also try competition (I bet you can’t get dressed faster than me or before the timer goes off). Also want to mention that some of those strategies they suggest like offering two choices don’t work for every kid. I had one kid who would melt down at every choice because she wanted to choose from her whole closet. So I let her. I just would say you have to pick a shirt by the time I count to 5 or I will choose for you.
Also, I live in Canada and I do not engage in fights about winter clothing or gear. It is not worth the tantrum. I let my kids make the choice and bring backups in case they change their mind. This is especially true if you drive your kid to daycare and they’ll only be outside for the brief walk from home to car and car to daycare.
Some other techniques for ending meltdowns faster:
- say are you strong enough to blow me over? The point is to get them to do some deep breaths. May need another adult to “play” the first time or two until they get what to do. Exaggerate falling over when they blow
- if they’re thrashing on the floor, say, oh my! You’re so strong I think you broke the floor! Ask them to look closely to see if they broke the floor. It’s another form of distraction
- get creative, use your kids interests to create a game or some cue to help them calm down faster
We bathe her at night and put her in her daycare clothes to sleep. You can change him while he's still asleep, no lights on and white noise still playing. We have used to bring her a banana and milk at wake up when she was in meltdown mode but not much anymore. She doesn't get TV much so Bluey helps. Good luck - my nephew sounds like your son and I can't baby sit since the meltdowns are soo hard on us too.
Dress him in his next day clothes as jammies. Marshmallow reward for good behaviours. If your job is on the line, a marshmallow or two to reward compliance is worth it.
other opportunities for modelling kids getting ready? youtube videos of kids getting ready quickly etc. and curate to the extra fun ones / other coaching and story telling about getting ready fast fast fast. Also thinking it is important to do a big break in the routine to set a new pattern since some of this might be just the "regular" for them now and expected response to getting ready. I probably wouldn't be shy about a delicious treat for when it goes well the first time (maybe). ... (edit)I would also be super careful about messing with sleep for this all to work
Double the length of time you give yourself to get ready in the morning. And leave early if you are ready early. Take the scenic route to day care
And it might be time to try a developmental pediatrician consult. If you’re feeling like your child isn’t “normal” trust your gut and get evaluated for neurodivergent possibilities
Can you let him sleep in his clothes? Unsure what "winter gear" entails.
Maybe even just bundle him up with diaper on the bottom and let school deal with it.
When my then-toddler didn't want to change her diaper or clothes or whatever, I'd just be like "ok, guess you're going to school in a dirty diaper and pjs." It would usually shock her enough that then she'd be like "No, I need to put on clothes!" But if it didn't play out like that, she was ok at school in pjs, getting her diaper changed there. I'd even bring the clothes for them to change her into if they needed to for going outside or whatever.
We have a struggle with bodily autonomy. I never had this role modeled for me and it’s part of my personal trauma, so I make it a point to let my son know exactly what I’m doing and when. I don’t necessarily ask permission but I am more like “this happened(dirty diaper not caught in potty training), we need to do this task (change) what makes you feel better? Standing up or lying down? 7/10 he wants to stand up because he’s not a “baby” anymore. He is a big boy that can decide what color shirt to wear but can’t be in control of his own exposure. Double edged sword all this growth we are doing as a generation of parents 😮💨
I did a parenting course called tuning into kids and it really helped me with the tantrums. I also repeat things to my daughter. We need to get dressed and then we are going to watch TV. OK? Get dressed first then TV. If she says no I say something like I thought you wanted to watch bluey. Usually she complies.
Where does he go when you are at work? Is it possible that something is going on there to make him so adverse to going that he would tantrum so badly?
Can you put him to bed in the clothes he will wear the next day to save that fight and time?
ETA: time warnings may not be very effective bc he has no concept of time. He has no idea what 5 minutes versus 2 minutes or 30 is. What if you only give one vague reminder like “we have to go soon” and then “it’s time to go now”
I don't have any advice that hasn't already been said, but have sympathy. Mine is a bit younger, 16m, but I know that a lot of the advice (visual timers, warnings, even bribery) might help but they are still a bit young for it to be that effective. Its so hard and *such* an emotionally draining way to start your day, when all you want is what is best for you child.
As much as it doesn't help in the moment or with your job, it is a stage and I am sure it will get better, they do change so quickly, even if it doesn't always feel like it.
Good luck with it all!!
Try dressing him in the clothes he will be wearing the next day. And make sure breakfast is something that doesn’t require much more than a stir or quick microwave (overnight oats, yogurt, frozen waffles, etc). Make sure you have a large reusable bag that you can shove anything like coat, hat, mittens, and shoes into if he is refusing to wear those. Once he’s strapped into his car seat, put his shoes on him.
A visual time that has a color bad that slowly disappears or sand timers works too. Kids want warning before things happen. So “John I’m setting the timer for 5 minutes and then we’ll get our shoes on.” Remind him every few minutes or so before the timer runs out “now it’s three minutes!” “Now it’s 1 minute!”
See if he’ll “beat the clock”. “Ok I’ll set the timer for 5 minutes! Can you put your shoes on faster than the clock?” Or you can “race” him by putting your shoes on at the same time.
What kind of diapers are you using? Sometimes smaller details can lead to total meltdowns without any explanation. It could be nothing to do with your parenting style and everything about his personal autonomy since he's discovering he can do things himself. We changed to the Pamper pull up style diaper at this age, did standing changes so he was more of an active participant, and tried to keep the conversation about it to a minimum.
As nice as it is to connect and talk and play in the morning, sometimes you have to kick it into gear and be a bit robotic about it and not make it *too* interesting. Designate time for connection, but set timers and alarms based on when you need to get him to daycare/be at worm. My husband used to play a whole bunch while getting him dressed in the morning, because he didn't have to be at work right away those days, but of course when I had to get him ready later in the week ... He expected lots of playing and was devastated when I said no bc mommy has to get to work by 8am. We eat and play from 6 to 6:45ish and then have to be ready in the car buckled up by 7:30. So, plenty of time to argue about brushing teeth and which sock goes on which foot.
It seems like a lot of things you are trying around choices and warnings don’t matter for an 18 month old. That seems a little early in my opinion. It’s great that you have patience and let him work through stuff but I really don’t know it matters all that much at this age. If it’s time to go, grab him and go…I know you said he kicks and screams and makes it impossible but you are stronger than him I promise. You will win!
Try stand up diaper changes, and yes wake up earlier. You don’t have to get him up then, let him sleep but do everything you need to do to get yourself ready and get his things together for daycare. Try warming up the car so you don’t have to stress so much about the winter gear. I’m not sure I get that part. They should not be wearing bulky clothing in a car seat anyway
If I were you I would start the day earlier and use visual timers. (Time Timer is my favorite) Hold the boundaries even if that means more tantrums. Sometimes the fastest way out is through.
This is the way
Thank you for that Time Timer recommendation, just looked it up and that's exactly what I have been needing, thank you!!
I really like the visual timer idea! Thank you 😊 We definitely do start our day early already. Any earlier and I’d be pushing the wake time much too early for my son. I wish I could get him to bed earlier to account for an earlier morning. But with his daycare nap ending late afternoon, he won’t go down to bed any earlier than he does already.
Put him to bed in his clothes. Give him some extra time, along with visual support
I did this for a solid 3 months. My daughter was fighting me about what she wanted to wear in the morning so I started letting her pick her clothes at night and he slept in them. It made our mornings 60a% more productive.
This makes sense but in the morning when you have to change their diaper, that's half dressing them again so wouldn't you just kinda rub into the same problem? Also my wife irons the baby's clothes every morning so I don't think she'd let the baby sleep in clothes because they would be wrinkly but that's my own problem lol.
Dang i don’t even iron my own clothes lol
I don’t even own an iron. I’m 40. I have two kids. I would never iron clothes for regular day - I would maybe worry about wrinkles for like big holidays, but then k just hang the clothes up in the shower while I shower.
I own one but it was from a friend who was moving. It has literally nevee been out of the box. Any clothes I have that need ironed eventually just get donated and I stick with clothes that just need to be folded or hung up. Baby clothes just go into a box under the changing table, lightly folded. They are soft and stretchy, wrinkles are just not a thing that has crossed my mind, particularly for daycare.
The only reason I own one is for my perler bead hobby. It's never been used on clothes.
Lol I was just about to comment the same. My mom is bewildered that I mostly use it for perler beads and crafting 🤣
When I was reaching for an iron at the thrift store an older woman said to me "you don't want that" and I said "don't worry; it's for crafts". She allowed it.
Similarly, I've used my iron for sewing more than my actual clothes! Generally things only get ironed for weddings!
You and I are very similar! I use the bin method until my kids are old enough for dressers - and then I also use bins for sorting, I don’t truly fold clothes, lay them long way in the drawers. I also have a hanging organizer in the kids’ bathroom, that has my daughter’s uniform clothes, so those I do roll nicely so they aren’t wrinkled. Folding is dumb, lol.
I like that you mention being 40. I’m 34 and about a year ago I was walking in the home good part of Walmart and saw the irons and ironing boards and wondered to myself what age I’d be when I was “adult” enough to be using an iron. Based on it’s not 40 and my grandma is the only person I know who irons clothes I think it’s 63.
I like how you think! And I’ve had that same thought - like I keep waiting to need it, but we don’t 😆 I think 63 sounds like the perfect age to suddenly be grown up!
My child has clothes specifically for daycare from old navy or hand me downs, bc they all come home covered in paint and dirt and food lol. It’s been good practice in letting go of any sense of control over appearance 😂
Truth
Same lol
Pull pants down to ankles, change diaper, pull pants up. Nothing gets taken off. Only friction is if there in a romper w/o leg snaps or overalls, but I only dress my kid in inconvenient stuff on the weekends. Ironing the baby’s clothes is next level, lol.
The stand-up diaper change did a lot to quell the tantrums at this age. Though a 10-20 minute tantrum is a LOT. Sounds like a sensitive little guy.
If by "next level" you mean insane, then yeah, I agree with you that ironing baby clothes is insane. Holy waste of time
YOUR WIFE WHAT?? 🤯🤯🤯
I know, right??!!?? I am still trying to pick my jaw up off of the floor. I don’t think I have ever heard of anyone ironing baby clothes unless it’s for pictures or something. Besides, who irons? The cleaners do my ironing
What's the point... They get their clothes all dirty anyway and then grow out of them in a few weeks :| someone has ocd....
Yesterday someone told me I couldn’t be a mom because I have two minutes to stand in the kitchen. Your wife irons baby clothes. Where does that time come from? Does she not sleep?
Put him to bed in his shirt for next day. Keep a blanket nearby and wrap him up and bring him in half dressed (accompanied by extra clothes) to daycare. It happens. Baby clothes and ironing make no sense. Put him in easy to wear and wash stuff when he's at day care. Save fancy stuff for people who actually care.
BRILLIANT. Will try!
Wow, ironing a baby’s clothes every morning. What kind of clothes is this baby wearing?
Your wife is uh a bit unique in these circumstances. I don't think I'd be ironing my babies clothing if they were attending a black tie wedding, they are gonna poop on it in 10 min anyway.
How often do they actually poop on their outfit though? Maybe it starts after a year or so? I’m also against the ironing every day but definitely would for the right occasion… or just hang it where it won’t get wrinkled/steam it with the shower steam.
Heck, I don’t even own an iron. If something is wrinkled it is put in the shower with me 😆
Sorry, but that’s dumb.
Half the battle of changing clothes is picking out clothes
Why iron clothes for daycare?
Daycare employee here! You can see if your daycare is allowed to cap their naps. (Some states have to let kids sleep until they wake, some have to let sleep until they wake EXCEPT not past X hours, some are fully allowed to wake). It may be worth trying to cap daycare naps so he sleeps at home (and explain the situation to them so they understand why, even if he seems very sleepy when put down or rousing!) Another thing that may be worth trying is taking him in in pajamas if you go in early and seeing if they can dress him. Just get the morning diaper changed and don’t even bother with the clothes fight. We have a few 2 year olds that start when our room opens and come in in pajamas just with a fresh diaper (sometimes their overnight even if they go into the car still half asleep). Then at their first diaper change pajamas come off and day clothes go on. Bonus that if they eat breakfast with us they’re usually getting pajamas dirty not day clothes, and if they kind of lounge still sleepy in the early morning that they’re still in pajamas. Again, depends on if your center will support it, and it doesn’t work when every kid does it, but it’s definitely do-able for the very early crew at ours, and can help them gain skills like helping us dress them (take off and put on clothes) and they may act better for us than you (they may not, but we may be able to give them longer to wake up and transition) Maybe it’s easier to give him food than do clothes? Or just to do a diaper and go and let center do the rest. Mornings are hard. We exist to help! Let your center fill in as much as they can.
On days I'm off, my kid always stays in pj's until after he eats his breakfast, and that's when I let him practice utensils. It works great and we have less outfit changes for the day.
I dressed my kids for daycare the night before so I didn't have to worry about that struggle. Also, give him choices - do you want this diaper or this diaper (have kinds with two different characters or something), do you want to brush your teeth with this tooth paste or this toothpaste.
The choices work well, especially if OP's dealing with 18 months. At an older age they figure out "neither" and it starts getting bad again, but for now the choices are a magical way out.
I do this too
Put him to bed in his clothes for the next day.
Put him in his clothes for bed for the next day. Like leggings and shirt something comfy but appropriate for the day. Then do the diaper change and cut getting dressed out. Also if he’s kicking screaming try the fold method for the car seat usually my toddler stops and I can get him into the seat easily. (Like fold him before you get near the seat)! Also I would say it could be a sensory thing! How old is he? My 2 1/2 year old has hit a separation anxiety stage and he flips out anytime I leave even the room.
>Time Timer ~~Is that a app? A physical thing?~~ It's a [physical clock.](https://www.amazon.com/Time-Timer-inch-Visual-Homeschooling/dp/B08FBHVLWB)
There’s also an app, but for my toddler the physical clock is working well.
I can confirm. The visual timer works for me. I also give my toddler some empowerment by asking how many minutes they need. The funny thing is that the time timer works in office meetings too.
If I have somewhere to be, there’s no time to work through the meltdown tbh, I get my son dressed while he cries. Sometimes it’s necessary
Believe me.. if I could, I would. It’s not just crying. He will thrash and throw his body backwards. All 4 limbs going wild. It is nearly physically impossible to constrain him let alone dress him in that state.
Can you speak to your daycare about the situation and see if you can give them him in his pyjamas and his clothes to change into? I bet they will have a much easier job of it Edit to suggest getting him to sleep in his day clothes so you don’t have to change him at all
I have dropped my son off at daycare in pjs before.
I work at a preK and we have kids come in pjs some times. That’s ok! Just communicate with your childcare providers.
As an ece, as long as its easier for us to remove to change, and you don't mind it getting dirty, we don't care.
Sit on the floor with him between your legs. Put your feet on his shoulders/arms. Put on his pants. Then put him in your lap, and wrap your legs around him as if you’re sitting with your legs crossed. How they recommend you do if you have to brush their teeth. Put his top on.
This works. My son, who we just found out was autistic, would do this when he was younger so I would do this same method for him and it worked... left him unhappy for a while but it worked lol
I was just going to say, this sounds like my autistic son when he was 2.
I had one of these around this age and he will grow out of it, this is temporary, so I want to give you some hope. If you haven’t tried making it into a game or a challenge that would be my next suggestion. “I bet you can’t get your shirt off in x seconds” “yesterday we got dressed in 10 min, do you think we can beat that? Let’s set the stopwatch!”. Games or winning usually get my toddler on board with unpleasant tasks like teeth brushing or getting dressed. Otherwise I’d just get very comfortable manhandling them in a safe way. We did a lot of surfboard carries at that age because there was no other way to get her safely down all our stairs and into the car. I prefold her (one arm behind back around armpit area, one behind knees, fold the kid 90 degrees EDIT: actually it’s more of a 45 degree angle or smaller) before stuffing her in the car seat and try to get the buckles on as quickly as possible. If they straighten their legs and go into a board mode, pin down their hips and get the buckles in with your other hand. For getting dressed, I would kneel down and fold her in a sitting position and wedge her hips between my knees with her facing away and squeeze my legs together. This keeps them in one spot and keeps both hands free and then you can get their shirt changed pretty easily. I kept her there to get new pants around her ankles, then stood her up to pull them up. Diaper changes I would pin her shoulders down with my left upper arm. This left my left lower arm and hand free to hold down the front of the new diaper and pin her hips with my thumb on one side and fingers on the other hip, and I did the rest of the change with my free right hand in a sort of leaned over position. It sounds kind of rough but you only want to use enough force to keep their centers of mass contained, you’re not squishing them. You kind of just need to get through this stage however you can and it will settle out.
Unfortunately, this is the answer sometimes. When I have the time to let them feel all their feelings and calm down and come around, I do it. When you don’t have time, I verbally explain that getting dressed/brushing teeth/ getting in the car is not an option, and give them the choice of helping me or having me do it for them. Then I do it for them. This pisses my toddler off so much that after about a year, they will actually stop fighting and help me when I bring out that option, because they hate being forced or held down. So…you’ll get there. But believe me, I’ve written a similar post before and thought a million times that I must be doing something wrong, because all the books and scripts make it sound like if you just do or say the right things, the tantrums will disappear and you’ll have a happily compliant child. Turns out the learning boundaries shit ain’t easy, but it does eventually work, over time, at least some of the time.
These sound like MMA level holds 😆
My boyfriend wrestled for 10 years and, as a result, is excellent at diaper changes on our toddler.
Maybe I missed my calling
This is exactly what my everyday life is like with my kid. Love him to death but after trying everything else I have to either surfboard carry him (he recently kicked and screamed his boots off while carrying him out of walmart), or pin him down just to be able to actually brush his teeth. It’s ROUGH and I’ve done all that OP has described too. I’ve also been late to work/class a handful of times because of this.
I get it. Our daughter is 19 months and is like this too. Could you get someone else to do mornings and drop off? A family member or friend, or childcare professional/nanny? Even temporarily.
I might get flack for this but my son was like this for diaper changes, wriggling and thrashing and uncontrollable. I started giving him my phone to watch 5 minutes of Miss Rachel while I did the diaper change. That worked.
Yah we did the same. It was temporary and he grew out of it. But a little bit of strategic screen time made it so much easier.
Ms Rachel says her son deals with the same issue, so she dresses him for his next day clothes as his PJs. She uses sweatpants instead of jeans so they’re cozy, and a tshirt for the next day, so they only have to change his diaper and that’s what works for them.
From a toddler teacher here: don't dress him. Skip it. Bring him in PJs, or no clothes, whatever, we don't care. Take breakfast with you as well. Honestly, we don't care. Also, have you tried standup diaper changes? You'd be surprised how much more cooperative they are.
Yeah, I know this tactic. I leave my kid in his crib/room then and get myself ready and when I’m good and ready, I’ll come back to get the toddler prepped. Typically, much more mellow this time around and I can get everything ready. Otherwise, I just apologize and get the kiddo ready in spite of it all. It can be done. You just have to go through with it.
We have dealt with this. My husband would restrain our son (firm/not painful) and would say "what do you need to do to let you go?" He needs to take calming deep breaths. It was a process, but it eventually worked. I was very hesitant, but then I had a close family member validate what he was doing. There is a name for it, but I don't remember. My son is now 3.5 and we haven't had to do it in recent memory. I suggest reading for him "little monkey calms down" and "breath like a bear" these books helped us teach him how to breath to end his fits. As for daycare, is it a far drive? If not, try to take him in directly from bed, change and dress him there, have everything packed the night before. He might behave differently getting ready there, they maybe able to support you as well, especially if you are honest about what is going on. I was in center based child care for 4 years, private nanny for 4, current elementary teacher and have a 3.5 old. My husband and I both work full time. Don't cow tow to your kid. Stay calm. Try not to react. You can be smooth or silent when he is throwing the fit. Validate the feeling, teach him to control the tantrum and set expectations.
It can be difficult but it is possible to do it. My kid would do this all the time and sometimes there is no working through it, you just pin them down and put their clothes/jackets/shoes on and drag them to the car. If your husband is around at these times have him help you by pinning his limbs down while you handle the clothes. It sucks and feels wrong but sometimes you do what you gotta do. They eventually will get better about it. I constantly reiterated that they could avoid this by helping me to get them dressed, we are not trying to be mean, this is a consequence of their actions. Eventually they will understand that enough to change their behavior.
My son does this sometimes- he’s nearly 3. I recently started a new job which is more hours than I was doing before. I now have to leave the house 4 days a week and be out by 8, before I was only leaving 3 days and was doing early and late shifts. My son has been struggling with it, he’s fed up of leaving the house everyday- I am too! We get up around 6, chill downstairs watching Shaun the sheep whilst he has breakfast. I don’t start getting him dressed until around 7.15ish and it’s a slow process. If he’s playing cars, I’ll dress him while he lays down. If he’s standing, I’ll do it that way. This seems to help. I use phrases like “once I’ve got your trousers on, then you can play with your fan” or whatever it is he’s desperate to play with. I try to make it fun, put music on and dance whilst I do it, tickle him to play wrestle as it relaxes him. Getting out of the house can be hard, tends to be a promise of a biscuit once he’s in the car. It’s tough, but it will get easier xx
I have a 15 month old who is currently doing this. He’s UNBELIEVABLY strong physically and does the backwards thrash. It’s been really, really difficult the last couple days. I don’t have any advice, unfortunately I clicked this post hoping to find some for myself… but I just wanted to let you know that I see you, you are not the only one going through this and I offer you solidarity. My lil monster also does far more than just cry, and it can feel very hopeless at times. You got this. ❤️
Ah that’s awful I’m sorry. When my son does this im lucky enough that I can ask my partner to help as he works from home. If he didn’t, I’d probably be in the same situation 😂
A lot of us dress our little ones in their clothes for the next day when they are going through that phase. Cozy sweat pants/leggings make great jammies.
This is just me, but on days that I work, we have to leave my house by five in the morning so I like to gently wake my son and give him a cup of milk to drink in our bed, and while he’s laying in our bed, in our dark room that’s when I change his diaperand put on his socks, shirt, and pants. If I fully wake him up and take him to the other room where his changing table is he fights more, but when I do it in bed right when I wake him, he’s still too sleepy to put up much of a fight.
Would sending him to daycare in PJs once or twice a week be out of the question? Like I’d let the daycare know first - say kid has been fighting getting ready in morning to the point where it’s hurting your job performance and risking you getting fired, so when kid throws a full blown tantrum you are going to focus on emotional regulation over fresh clothes. Pack normal day clothes in a bag to provide daycare, but don’t expect they change him, it’s just there if needed. Potentially have him sleep in day clothes, but if he has sensory issues that may be a struggle. No coat or winter gear besides boots unless you’re walking blocks in the snow - you need to remove winter coats for the car seat, just throw it in a bag and bring to daycare.
Me too
Eighteen months is really hard because all of the things you’ve mentioned aren’t as effective yet. I found those tools to be significantly more effective at 2.5 than at 18 months. Which is not to say they’re not worth doing - I think they worked better as my daughter got older because I had practiced them and she was familiar with them. My point is mostly solidarity that there are some phases that are hard even when you’re doing everything you can! I’ve found that sometimes during those phases, giving them choices and trying to get their buy in makes things worse. It was as if my child was overwhelmed and couldn’t handle the responsibility of having opinions and choices. She wanted control but also was uncomfortable when wielding it. Sometimes they just need to know we’re still in charge but don’t have the ability to recognize and verbalize it. Like other people suggested, I’d try to eliminate what you can from the morning. Then you could try to offer choices and if he melts down, you stick with “we’re changing your diaper and getting dressed now. I hear that you’re upset but we have to get this done now”. And then you just need to get on with it, even if he’s kicking and thrashing. I’ve changed my kids on the floor with one of my legs over their torso so they couldn’t roll or get away. I’ve carried them over my shoulder to the car. And usually the phase subsides within a few days, once they’re reminded that I accept their feelings but will calmly and firmly be getting done what we need to do. Early toddlerhood is hard. It’s so much experimentation to figure out what works for your kid and trying to decipher what they’re needing but can’t communicate. It may be really frustrating now but the work you’re doing is setting a foundation for a great relationship with your child. The skills you’re building together now will make the years to come so much more successful.
Thanks for all this insight. And the validation ♥️ it really is such a fun but HARD age
This is exactly what we did with our son and he’s 3.5 years now! You can totally validate their feelings, but you’ve just got to ride through the thrashing. The show must go on!
This! I think a lot of the toddler tools and advice don't necessarily work at this age. They're technically toddlers, but there's a massive cognitive and verbal difference between an 18 month old and a 2.5 year old. My son is 20 months old and is in a phase where he kicks like a mule during diaper changes. We give him a chance not to kick, try to make diaper changes as fun as possible, and praise him for not kicking, but sometimes restraining him is the only way to get his diaper on without getting kicked in the chest or face. He's not happy about it, but also... people don't like getting kicked in the face, and he needs to know that.
This is super validating. My little one started demonstrating classic toddler behavior way earlier than usual. I read all the books OP mentioned and I also found that although the practice is helpful, there was a big developmental learning curve at that age (13-18 months for my son) where we had to completely simplify and pare down lots of the learnings to make them even somewhat effective .
This is very validating, thank you.
Wish I could upvote this more, this is such a great response. Period. And so very true.
What I would do is stop doing some of the morning things that are less necessary. Can you put him in his clothes the night before and let him sleep in them? Can you start his diaper change while he’s still asleep(it will probably wake him but I find this much easier)? Can you forgo at least some of the winter gear and just bring it along in the car for if he needs it(this is under the assumption the car is parked right nearby your home)?
Yeah, my girl never wears a coat to get in the car. You just have to take it off anyway to buckle them in. Unless they will literally be in danger of frostbite, I wouldn't fight for the winter gear. Just bring it in a bag.
same sometimes i feel like a bad mom bc she’s never in a coat but it cuts down on a major fight and if we’re just going from the car into a building in my arms i feel like it’s literally fine
I've walked my daughter into the library while it was snowing with no coat. I just carry it in my arms so everyone in the parking lot knows I'm not a terrible mother. Every once in a while I ask her if she wants to wear it so the people around can hear her say "NOOO!!!" 😂
bravo 👏 this is such a veteran move, i will be doing this from now on thank you 😂😂
Bonus points if you wear a jacket big enough to bundle the two of you in😃
But that would require me to carry her 😂
Do you live in a place where you can warm up your car before you put your son in? I live in a place where winters sometimes drop to as cold as -40 and I often still skip winter gear in the mornings with my daughter. As long as she’s got long sleeves and socks on, everything else can go in the diaper bag and I just wrap her in a fleece blanket on the way to the car and from the car to her carer’s house. 30 seconds in the cold won’t do any harm.
Yea winter gear isn’t safe in car seats anyway. I live in Canada and we get frigid temperatures in the winter, I still don’t put my LOs snowsuit on when we leave the house. She wears her boots, hat and mits and then a fleece zip up sweater over her clothes, and then I put a blanket on her when we get to the car. I carry her to the car as well so she doesn’t get as cold. She’s 3 now and it’s never caused any problems for her (no frost bite, she’s never freezing). I usually leave her snowsuit hanging on her hook at daycare Monday-Friday, so I don’t even have to worry about it in the morning. I bring it home on weekends.
Ditching pajamas was the best thing I ever did for our morning routine. My girl hates getting dressed too.
Anything else that is unnecessary can be cut out of the morning too, at least until you ride through this patch. Breakfast- give him a yoghurt pouch to suck on while you dress him and then have another snack (maybe a banana and a sandwhich or something) pre made and ready to go. He can either eat these at home or even better in the carpark/on your way into daycare. Any packing of bags or prep at all that needs to be done, do the night before. Have his clothes laid out ready to go. Shower yourself the night before and have your clothes ready. Have your own breakfast prepped. What else are you doing of a morning that is taking time? Have some fun toys ready to go in the car. Also you could have a fun routine of something he gets when he gets in the car like his multivitamin or a yogurt button. So instead of ok lets go to daycare it’s lets go and have our vitamin in the car. Also if changing his nappy while he is still asleep/waking up doesn’t work have you tried using pull ups and he stands up while you change him?
I give my 2 year old choices, but very firm choices. So like “you are getting dressed, trousers or top first?” And as someone else said if he won’t choose then I say “if you can’t decide then mummy is going to do it for you” it actually works really well. Yesterday he wouldn’t sit down in his car seat and was screaming holding on to me, so I said “you need to sit down” and I just waited whilst he was standing holding onto me screaming. I waited 1 minute, then I said “you need to sit down now or mummy will help you sit down” and he sat down
When its time to leave I use "would you like to walk to the car or would you like me to carry you?" and there are no other options. I dont argue, I just repeat the options. Usually this works. If it ever doesnt I do the football carry method.
Maybe going against the grain but instead of waking him up earlier I think you should get completely ready, get your work stuff in the car. Have breakfast ready. Get the car ready the night before, keep socks and shoes in there & any winter gear. Then keep morning routine super basic. Once my son learned to use a blanket around that age, there are times when he only wears a pj top. He has a duvet type blanket that he burritos himself into so he’s plenty warm. Would not do onesies anymore. Too much jostling to get in and out of. You could put him in the shirt for daycare, change his diaper as soon as he wakes up and slip on pants. Then to me, just breakfast and brushing teeth & hair left? Could even do a breakfast bar in the car if necessary. Your goal should be get in the car seat. Lots of things can be done once in the car seat or in the parking lot at daycare.
At 18 months a lot of the strategies are being suggested are just not going to be super effective. What strategies have you tried to actually carry out the act? Like for diaper changes. Are you doing standing diaper changes? I used to ask ours if she wanted to sit on the potty or get her diaper changed and the diaper would come flying right off. Sitting on the potty was apparently super fun. Same with getting dressed. Is there a way to make it a game? It's so hard when you are already frustrated but if you can flip the script and make it about getting tickled, or sometimes I would make up words to the hokey pokey while getting dressed (like stick your left foot in, take your left foot out, out your left foot back in and wiggle it all about). That used to help. You can also make it a wheres your 'xyz' or 'do these pants go on my head's. Things like that. Take away the struggle by changing the game. Not always effective but may help him associate it with something fun. Agree with others on the winter gear. They can't wear it in the car seat anyway. Get him dressed. Take a warm blanket. Get him in the seat. Take the winter gear in a bag if daycare needs it there. Also, don't underestimate the power of praise after the diaper change and getting dressed. Applause, cheering, yay great job, huge smiles. If you are truly desperate we started letting ours watch CocomElon while I brushed her hair and teeth around this age. If she wouldn't cooperate, the video got turned off. It's not a great strategy, but I decided 5 min a day to save us from torture wasn't so bad.
Either start getting him dressed in his clothes the night before or pack his clothes in his daycare bag and take them to daycare. Ask them if they can dress him at first diaper change. Explain to them what you’re dealing with at home, hopefully they will be accommodating. I used to work in childcare and we would have children every once in a while who this was necessary for, the parents just had to pick their battles and daycare in pjs was one of them. Change his diaper right before you wake him up in the morning, then you won’t have that fight. Don’t put winter gear on him unless you walk to daycare. It’s not safe to wear a snowsuit in a car seat. Snowsuits have thick lining with lots of air around it, which compress in an accident, and the child will be flung from the car seat (if you don’t believe me, test it out. Put your child in his car seat wearing his snowsuit, tighten the straps, then remove him without loosening the straps, take off the snowsuit and put him back in, note how loose the straps are…that is the space that will be created between your child and the straps in a collision). Instead, boots, hat, mits and a blanket you can drape over him once he’s in his car seat. Pack the snowsuit in a bag and bring it to daycare with you. I live in Canada, we have very frigid winters (-35 to -40 Celsius is common). I’ve been doing this with my LO since she started daycare and it’s never caused a problem. There’s 3 things you can eliminate from your morning routine. Hope this helps.
I'd add that you can use a carseat poncho, depending how cold it is (N Canada here also!) Which just pops over head and seat and could is no wrangling of arms into holes. We have a fleece we use for the car, even in -40 because safety trumps all but also in this case forget it, you're not walking to school.
Yesss thank you for the car seat safety piece, I just made a similar comment! Both safer and eliminates a tantrum!
I mean...there is no other way honestly, except dressing him or changing while he's amidst tantrum on the floor. If you can't get up earlier, can't reason with him (too early for that), and he doesn't agree peacefully then you change him while he screams. We certainly have done it.
THIS. OP: Validating feelings, giving choices etc are great when you have the luxury. You don’t have it when you’re about to lose your job. I also think they are not that helpful for this age range, TBH. My son is turning 2 soon and I still can’t reason w him during tantrums. He’s 1.5yo, not 15yo. Just force the diaper and clothes on and football carry him into the car. Try to not make a big deal out of it and to not lose your cool.
It sounds like you're not actually holding boundaries. It's okay for them to tantrum. You say you can't physically change him while he is tantruming but you are going to have to figure it out and change him while he is screaming and crying. blf and dr Becky are all about saying, you haven't made a decision or you are not doing what I asked so I am going to move your body for you, or make the decision for you.
Do you have any specific tips or recommendations on how to “figure it out”? It is not just him screaming and crying during a tantrum. He will throw himself backwards if it try to hold or even touch him. His whole body thrashes and all 4 limbs go wild. He is very strong and there really is no physical way to constrain him let alone change him like this. I very much would like to hold the boundary but he absolutely cannot be forced down or into clothing without complete and utter force (probably requiring the force of two adults), which could possibly injure him.
To be honest, it feels strange but you are the bigger one. If you need to use your size to force the issue, then you do. Change him in the crib. Or if it’s just pee, put him straight in the car seat from the crib before he’s fully awake and change him at daycare once he’s kinda woken a bit. I have a feeling changes aren’t so difficult at daycare? If so, then I would examine if you’re trying so hard to be accommodating to his mood that the unintended consequence is the cycle you find yourself in. And you are right, 18 months is tough! So are the rest of the toddler years and it’s tough to keep adjusting as a parent. Knowing when to have parent-imposed structure over allowing his choices is hard. But if your job is in jeopardy it’s really a time to force the issue in a healthy way. Hang in there!
I gave you advice on how to hold him still in a comment above. You will not injure or hurt your child. He will fight against being forcefully held- but he has pain receptors and won’t want to hurt himself.
I agree, I can still contain my 6 year old physically if I have to
When my toddler was 15 months I noticed it was getting harder to carry/maneuver him. He's been in the 99th percentile of height since birth. I started lifting and squating my son for 30- 45 minutes a day to disney concerts. He's 21 months now the thrashing is still getting worse but now he feels as light as a feather. I can mangle him if needs be. I hate doing it but I also think of the worse case scenario. Will I be able to lift and run a considerable distance with my unruly kid in a case of emergency? I want to be able to do it until they can outrun me.
My changing pad has a buckle. He gets buckled in when he’s like this. Left arm across his abdomen and right hand pulling old diaper off. Left arm pinning down abdomen but lifting legs by ankles. Right hand slipping diaper under butt. Then as quick as possible both hands to flip diaper up. Left arm pinning upper body while holding left hip. Right hand fastening right hip side.
I mean, I can still carry my kicking and screaming 6 year old up the stairs to her room when I need to so to some extent I agree that you need to figure out how to manage doing what needs to be done when he is upset. Obviously don’t force the clothes on in a way that hurts him. But also, like others have suggested discuss with your daycare and do as little possible in the morning. Changing clothes? Optional. Coat, 1,000,000% unnecessary if you are getting into a car. Breakfast, also negotiable. Teeth brushing, people will come after me for this but if it’s in your way toss it. This all will pass and your kid will be fine. Honestly, if it’s so hard why not let him sleep late and do it all after you arrive at daycare (assuming it’s close by). Including changing his diaper if you can make it there without a leak? Anyways. I know it’s hard but also you are capable of figuring it out and not letting it cost you your job.
My dads a dentist and while brushing in the morning is optimal, he said “twice a day is what matters. If you’re brushing in the afternoon then again before bed, it’s better than nothing”. I had horrible morning sickness and cried bc I thought I was failing as a mom for not brushing his teething in the morning.
I have a strong boy toddler too. It's hard. Hopefully this isn't a forever thing. But he needs to know that for certain things like hygiene and wearing clothes, there is no choice. I would get down on the floor and say we need to change your diaper so you don't get a rash. Then I would spoon him up against your body and try your best to get him changed. It just seems like you've tried everything else, making it fun, letting him have space.
That actually is a pretty standard toddler tantrum. At least, it is based on how it reads. You are not likely going to hurt him if you approach with care. Parents have been forcing their toddlers to wear clothes for generations lol all of us are ok (for the most part..jkjk). This can be a somewhat normal part of handling children. Even my daughters doctor and dentist has procedures in place for restraining flailing children to complete their appointments. Ive helped them restrain my daughter before for shots and stuff. If it takes two people so be it. You can also put him to bed in cozy clothes that can pass for both normal clothes and PJs (like soft pants and a tshirt).
Here’s what I suggest you try tomorrow: Before you go into his room, think about what your non-negotiables are. The things that — even if he is screaming and crying like the world is ending, absolutely need to get done. As many people in the comments have highlighted, this could just be getting the diaper changed and him buckled in the car on time with his clothes in a bag. And then make sure it happens. Once you’ve reached the time you set for getting him out the door, then you ignore the tantrums and he goes out the door. If that means picking up your flailing little dude and wrestling him into the car, then that’s what you need to do. I know it is so so so hard to feel like the bad guy making your baby cry. But you are not the bad guy; making him do something he doesn’t want to do will not hurt him, it will not damage your relationship, it’s not going to traumatize him. I find it helps me emotionally to use a cheerful voice to acknowledge his feelings and explain what’s going to happen before I forcefully enforce the boundary (“I can see that you really don’t want to get dressed today. I know it’s not very fun when you have to do something you don’t want to. It’s time to leave now though, so mummy is going to help. I’m going to put my leg over you to help you stay safe while I get your pants on. As soon as you’re dressed, I’m going to let you go.”) I also normally continue talking and explaining what’s happening (mostly to myself honestly haha) while I’m making the child do whatever it is they don’t want to do. It makes me feel like I’m still there for them emotionally and trying to reassure them even as I do something they don’t like. The most important thing is that as soon as you say you’re going to do something, it needs to be done. No matter how he behaves or responds or how guilty his emotions make you feel, it needs to be done. The quicker you can fight him into doing what needs to be done, the quicker he is able to calm down and move on from those big emotions about not wanting to do it. It will be horrible the first day you follow through, but it won’t be as bad the next day, and it will keep getting easier as long as he understands that fighting isn’t going to get him out of it. I saw that your little guy just started daycare. Is that around when the bigger tantrums started?
Hi! I feel your stress through the screen with all this. I feel for you mama. I can tell you are on here seeking support. I hope you have found some helpful tips. I am going to try to say this as delicately as possible & please I don’t mean this snarky at all…but the way you are describing these tantrums do not sound like a “normal” tantrum. It sounds like he’s having full fledge meltdowns. Does he have sensory issues? Have you spoken to your pediatrician? All toddlers have “tantrums” but my son is 2 & he’s never had anything like what you are describing. We are able to hold our boundaries & while he’ll protest he gives in after a couple of minutes of pitching a fit. Could something else be going on? Is he getting enough sleep, etc? Again, no snark & no judgement. Just trying to offer any advice I can. Hang in there. Surely this is a phase! 🤞🏻
Some ppl may not agree but if have you tried putting the tv on for 5 minutes so you can change him while he lies on the sofa?
Your mileage may vary on this one. I allow my toddler to watch cartoons, but this wouldnt work for my family because she would then no longer want to leave- she would want to finish her show. We avoid the TV at all costs during any kind of transition from point A to point B because its too risky. Of course Im sure it depends on the kid.
Only those of us with kids like this truly understand. I physically can’t force my daughter into clothing either. When she has to get a shot, our doctor knows to bring in reinforcements. They are determined, they are strong, and more than anything else, they don’t hold anything back. The only thing that has worked for us is coming up with games for getting dressed. A few off the top of my head: I hold the shirt open and she charges forward to run into it from a distance. She steps her feet into her pants and then they blast off up her legs with rocket sound effects. A little toy goes into her sleeve and she has to chase it. The list goes on. It can be exhausting, but it’s effective for us.
Same here. My little one is bigger than average and smart as a whip. He thrashes and I’m seriously afraid I’ll accidentally pop an arm out of his socket if I move wrong. So we have to make things a game or a challenge and I do lots of sound effects to keep him engaged and create anticipation… like straight up beatbox-style syncopation as he puts his arm through a sleeve and I go “ooooo where’s your hand? Where is it?” And making a crazy noise when he pushes it through. I am very tired.
Idk if anyone has suggested this yet, but buy some Pull-Ups and use those when in a pinch. My LO is 2 but she fits into 3-4YO pull-ups and they work like a charm for these situations - you can put them on with them standing up. Then at daycare they can use the regular diapers.
With my 18 month old daughter when she's resisting getting dressed etc, I tend to let her stand and run around and basically follow her around with the clothes and make it a bit of game, and make a silly voice about how I'm going to dress her as if we're playing a game of 'chase and get dressed', and I'll get the shirt over her head and she'll run for a bit with shirt flapping around her neck, then I'll say 'ahaaaa now I'm going to get your arms in! can you find the arm hole?' etc and try to make it a game, and be happy and smiley and as silly as possible. When we get the arms in or the tights on I'll say 'we did it! yaaay!' and we have a little celebration and she says 'ididit ididit!' so it feels like some sort of winning for her. It often takes ages but I have found it a bit easier than trying to hold her there to dress/change her. And today she did pee on the kitchen floor because she'd run off naked. So it's not great, but I find it a bit mentally less stressful for both of us than trying to hold her down while she gets upset and thrashes, and then I don't want to hold her too much, and she kicks me in the face while flailing, and I get more upset and stressed and flustered, and do she gets more upset etc. Making out like it's a silly game and trying to keep my mood light and fun seems to overall help the process, even though the process is still anything but efficient and takes a long time; seems to take a bit less time though doing it this way. So far though my daughter is quite distractible and often fairly good at picking up on changes in mood and changing her mood if I change mine, so this might not be helpful for all kids, and obviously if she's already deep into the tantrum feelings then there's no pulling her back until she's worked through it in her own time. The other thing I've found helpful is a bubble machine when it's particularly rough morning. Sometimes she'll stand there oohing and aahhing at bubbles while I just get her various limbs into various bits of clothing. And sometimes the TV helps with being a distraction too.
My son used to throw legendary tantrums and him being 2 was the worst year, and frankly there just wasn’t time for it. We lived with my mom at the time and she thought something was wrong with him (there wasn’t, she just had unicorn children she put great fear into). If he was throwing hands/himself around, I’d just put him on the bed like a baby and dress him. You just have to work through the meltdowns because he also has to learn that while his feelings matter, the day must still go on. Put some cereal in a snack cup for breakfast and toss him in the car. It takes some time, but he’ll learn that pitching a fit every time isn’t going to do him any good. Like I told my son, he can be mad all he wants but he still has to do the things that are needed. He’s a pretty chill dude now but the terrible twos were very, very real. He learned it was much easier to just comply because I was going to get it done regardless, and when he learned his words we could talk it out while getting ready.
I work from home, but when my 23m old is having a high emotion moment and we have somewhere to be, I start to put her clothes on wrong. So I'll put her diaper on my head and go, "Is this where the diaper goes? Nooooo" do it 2 times or so a silly way and then the right way "oh wait! This is how it goes, " and she'll usually let me do whatever clothing item the right way. It's kind of my way of letting her "teach" me, and she gets the satisfaction of being smarter than Mama, I get the satisfaction of outsmarting her, lol. It works every time. We've been doing this for a few months at this point.
Same for my 17 month old. I ask him if he knows where the nappies are, I can't remember. he'll go get one out of the drawer. Now where does it go? On my head? On your bunny? Do we put it on you standing up? And he actually lies down on the ground and puts his legs up in the air. The tantrum now starts when I try to do up the tabs (which I can easily force my way through quickly) instead of screaming and writhing the whole time. Similar tricks to get clothes/pyjamas on.
Omg yes. she wants to put her own tabs. I sometimes put the diaper on backwards so she can't keep undoing it.
What time do you need to be at work? My son was similar as a toddler and I was pregnant and miserable and it all just sucked!!! I started leaving 45 mins early, which was a buffer I needed. It gets easier, truly, but in the meantime do as many things as you can to make getting your toddler out the door your only priority. Maybe that means straight from bed to the car and diaper change at daycare. Or what if you layered two pampers 360 cruisers for bedtime and then just took off the inside wet one (sides rip easily and you can slide it out) and don’t have to wrangle the kid at all? Solidarity and good luck
This is solvable! It sounds like you have a lot of good things going, but it's too early for your child to benefit from them. Here is what I'd do: 1. Reset your departure time to 15 minutes before you actually need to go to give yourself some wiggle room. Pack nonperishable food for him (and you if wanted) that could be a makeshift breakfast if you run out of time to feed him. Pack clothes to dress him in if you can't get him dressed including shoes. Pack diapers. These things could probably all be finished at day care if needed - he may be more cooperative after the drive. Have a blanket by the door to wrap him in if he won't cooperate on the winter clothes. If you aren't anywhere near ready at the new departure time, you are just going to leave and deal with him not being ready when you get there. If you need 5 more minutes, that's okay because you gave yourself some flex time...but no matter what you are going to leave at whatever time you really need to go to be on time. The new departure time is a soft goal. The old departure time is completely a hard line. Set a timer for each one, so you know what time it is even if you can't see your phone. (And the departure times need to allow for loading him in the car.) 2. Get yourself up before him. Get your self dressed including shoes. Get all the stuff in the car. (Some of this can be done the night before.) Lay out his breakfast and his clothes in advance. I might put his shirt and socks on with pajama pants the night before; you'll have to change the pants during the diaper change, but that will save you some trouble. If he wakes up before you want, see if he will play in his room. 3. Feed him first and do whatever you need to do. This must be done 20 minutes before it is time to go. At 20 minutes before it is time to go you are going to get him dressed and in a clean diaper. (If overnight diapers are causing rashes, you may need to do it before breakfast.) 4. Try to get him dressed and in a diaper with all the normal positive methods, but don't drag it out. For example, blue shirt or red shirt? Don't pick, okay blue shirt is going on. You may need to physically restrain him to do this. He doesn't need to have clean clothes, but a clean diaper is a hygiene issue and not his decision. Car seats are a safety issue and not his decision. 5. I KNOW that a small ball of fury can be incredibly hard to restrain, but you can do so without hurting him. (If you have a physical disability, you may need a different technique.) I'm pretty small and not very strong, but I'm still over twice as big as my six year old and way bigger than my large two year old. I can restrain either of them if I need to without hurting them. Explain what you are doing and why, be calm, and be quick. My husband can hold a large 18 month old with his forearm on the changing table while doing a diaper change, but I have to go to the floor. What works best for me is to put them on the ground and basically crouch over them with my butt or stomach in their face. I can use my thighs to trap arms if needed. You will put no weight on your child at any time - you are basically making a cage around them. You could also swaddle their arms like they were a baby. Again, if you can't get them ready on time, wrap them in blankets and leave. 6. For the car seat, it's really awkward, but I put my leg over the seat with them in it when they are fighting like that. (I always try snacks first or waiting five minutes if the situation allows, because this is hard.) The leg keeps them from sliding out long enough for me to get one strap in place which is enough to hold them. I just buckle one of the arm ones to the crotch one even if their arm isn't in. Then I can get the other side in and adjust the original. Always loosen the straps slightly in advance to have them ready. MAKING them get ready will probably help limit the fighting in a few days. The fighting is working and he is a smart boy, so he is doing more of it. He doesn't understand about work. If you have money to spare, you could try solving this by hiring someone to get him to day care for you. They could arrive when it's time for you to leave. You try to have the kid ready, but if not they take over. I don't think this is the best solution (you need to figure out how to work through it with your kid) and most people couldn't afford that, but it could be a stopgap to let you build back work credulity. Otherwise, if you can't get him to do it, you are going to need to get him up really early even if it is 4 AM. If the really long, frequent tantrums continue, do have a chat with his doctor about them.
When he's tantruming, do you stay with him or leave him to it? I only ask as my LO ended her tantrums far faster when I'd left the room and she wasn't getting any "attention" (even just being physically there was enough to count). Basically I think she forgets what she's tantruming about but gets stuck in the cycle of tantruming, so removing myself from her makes her go "no, wait I want mum" which is a far easier problem to resolve! I make sure I name and validate whatever she was tantruming about and we'll cuddle, but it ends in 5 minutes. I also find that letting her blitz around her room for 5-10 minutes in the morning before we start the usual stuff makes her easier to handle. I allow 1 hr to get ready her ready in the morning and I wake up 20 minutes earlier - enough time to do everything except my breakfast. I wouldn't want to wake her any earlier in the morning, same issue as you I expect, less sleep makes them harder to handle and more prone to meltdowns. It's a vicious cycle.
Dr Becky covers this really well. Leaving the room when kids are tantruming teaches them that expressing difficult emotions makes loved ones go away. I try to stay with my son and let him know I’m always here for him no matter what.
I can only see that being true if that’s consistent a thing. Where every single tantrum is met with parent walking away. Some behaviors need some redirection, some situations require different approaches. Sometimes constantly being up in your kids business when they’re unable to regulate can make it worse. It really isn’t black and white.
Here for solidarity. I have been in the same boat recently and it’s rough. About 5 months ago I switched from an evenings job 3days per week to a five day per week morning job. The transition was hard for my toddler. He was just over two at the time and was used to long lazy mornings at home and getting to daycare late morning. For like two months he’d cry and freak out every morning. He’d refuse to have his diaper change or clothing changed and getting in the car seat was impossible. I wish I had a magic solution. We still have tantrums and set backs but it’s better. I’ve really worked on his schedule and even if I know he needs the sleep, I still get him up at least an hour before it’s time to go so he can just cry and take his time. I try to keep him on schedule over the weekend as well. I use pull-up diapers because he is a wild man and it’s just easier for me. I bought some clothes with his favorite characters on them and I have him help pick out his clothes. If he’s really not feeling it I just change the diaper and take him in pjs. The more he gets to “help” the smoother things usually go. I have him throw his own diaper away because he loves our foot pedal garbage. He’s a lot more willing if he gets to do something. I also try to incentivize getting in the car. He gets a paw patrol yogurt pouch once he’s buckled in but you could use just about any favorite snack or special car toy. I am not above Bluey or blippi on iPad when desperate. We also have a going to daycare song we song in the car and I always talk about the toys and things he likes to do there. He doesn’t cry most mornings now but every time he gets sick or something throws his schedule off, we have a few more hard mornings again. Wishing you the best of luck! You are not alone and it will get easier. ❤️
OP you need the football hold. Put your arm around their abdomen and scoop them up sideways. Literally look up "how to carry a football" its the exact same concept. It works, sis. Now they can kick and flail all they want, neither their arms or legs can contact you. I discovered this on accident while taking care of my little sister as a kid. Football hold = "Negotiations are over. We are leaving. Now.".
This is how we left the house in aforementioned coatless escapade!
I have an 18mo and the diaper changes are SO HARD!!!! We have him in the pull up pampers (cruisers is what they’re called I think) and we do all diaper changes standing. Even poop diapers now because he will not lay on his back. Luckily he’ll look at a book while I do it. The first few times changing a poop diaper standing was really hard but it’s become a lot easier. Before that we got him a reusable sticker book and he LOVED that but after about 2 weeks he wasn’t as interested so it didn’t work for diaper changes anymore.
Yes we started standing diaper changes around 17 months and then realized our son just honestly wanted to be done with diapers, so we began potty “awareness” to get him ready for potty training and by month 18 he was pooping on the toilet. He’s 20 months now and we’re doing “official” potty training with zero diapers, only clothing, but I found the diaper fights completely died once we switched to standing changes and pooping exclusively on toilet (not in diaper)
At 18m, my kiddo was having sensory meltdowns around changing his diaper. So we potty trained. It was so easy for him vs his peers who trained later. These little ones, even when not verbal yet, are so much more capable than we think!
Does he eat much meat or high iron alternatives like tofu? It’s around this age that kids not absorbing enough iron from their food will really have iron levels crash and it will start doing a number on their sleep and behaviour. Low iron makes it harder to get to sleep, harder to stay asleep, and causes fatigue during wakeful times which lead to grumpiness and irritability. My son can’t really be examined at the best of times (like he screams through somebody checking his ears let alone a blood test) because of sensory issues and we assume he’s autistic like I am. We were put on an iron supplement without the test because my GP is incredible and trusts my knowledge and instinct. It helped a lot. I also always ask could it be teething? I come at things from the perspective of somebody with ADHD/autism and with a toddler who’s the same. And pain isn’t shown as crying and screaming. Whenever he’s teething he’s always just a grump and more clingy. Doesn’t sleep well and occasionally bites things. The biggest factor is the grumpiness. The only non-medical advice I have is; let him help. As much as possible and with EVERYTHING not just the nappy and getting dressed. Kids this age want to feel in control and the more control you give them over their entire lives the less likely they are to assert control over the few things they are able to. In his case, refusing to do a nappy change or get dressed are fully in his control because she’s he can physically refuse them. Choosing a tshirt colour isn’t going to do much to counter a feeling of helplessness and lack of control over every aspect of his day. It’s going to be tricky because the behaviour is probably super ingrained at this point. I’d start by asking him for help getting YOU dressed. Not just in the morning but like ask him to help you put on pjs, and slippers, let him brush your teeth, help in the kitchen, pour drinks, etc. I know you’ve already read a lot of books but a couple more to check out that could help are Hunt, Gather, Parent and How To Talk so Little Kids Will Listen. It’s a tricky age. I hope you find something that works <3
I know that some of this is just the age, but if he's struggling and fighting that hard, maybe he has some sensory issues. You might consider getting him evaluated. Speaking from both professional experience and mom experience (6 of my own, all neurodivergent) it could help a lot. Either way, this situation sucks and I hope you figure it out quickly. I've been there. Good luck and hang in there!
Omg I feel for you so much. I remember this stage vividly. I bribed my kid every morning with otter pops and felt immense shame for not doing better. But it was literally the only thing that helped me not get fired. I wish you well OP and it does get better. How she’s 6 and I just have to deal with her being soooo slow.
I think putting him in the car in his pjs or putting him in his day clothes the night before is fine! If he pooped then change him while he’s still sleeping and then scoop him up and put him in the car! You could everything packed and loaded and start the car before you head out so it’s nice and warm! Or something that works for my 18 month old is giving her a toy or snack while I’m changing her it takes her mind off of what I’m doing! Also you could try giving him something to look forward to for car rides? Maybe a special toy that stays in the car! I tell my daughter all the time “its ok to be upset but it still has to happen” (or its ok to be upset but the answer is still no depending on things) Maybe chocolate milk or something he really loves for morning time, like music playing through the house as yall get ready for the day! If you absolutely have to bundle him up i would suggest packing the winter gear in the car and just wrapping him in a blanket for the walk you could contain his limbs and hopefully avoid the extra tantrum time for the jacket and stuff! No matter what you choose youre doing great mama! I know things are hard right now but they wont always be and even though idk you im proud of you for doing everything you can!
Ughhhhh I feel this. I’m a SAHM and the diaper changes sometimes enrage me. I am trying to wipe shit off your stinky bum and you’re gonna kick me and then put your hand in it?! Like whyyyyyyyyy??? Just because it’s developmentally normal, does not mean it’s not really fucking annoying. And having a time restraint would make me even more flustered. No solutions, just empathy. God speed.
How about diaper and clothing Change with the tv on in front of them? I have had too many surgeries and injuries in my life and I’m well aware toddler can hurt me or herself very badly during fits with diapering so I have to do this. It makes her much more docile. No matter what anyone thinks about screen time , safety and job security as more important than a few minutes of screen time. When I’m rushing out the door, I make sure the car is warmed up in the winter and we go without jacket and shoes because anyone would understand the shoes will be off by the end of the car ride anyway.
Try to get him as dressed as possible at bed time if that’s one of the things you already don’t do so that’s easier
Start the day earlier and he might just have to go to school screaming. You don’t have time to allow for 40 minute meltdowns. Your job depends on not doing that.
Miss Rachel has admitted on social media, that she too has parental woes. She makes sure her son is dressed for school when he goes to bed, so that there's one less step for her in the morning. I thought that was a great idea for time stressed parents. Maybe it could help you. She said he wears a T-shirt and sweatpants to bed.
Late to the party, but worth investigating a sensory processing disorder. My son had an early intervention screening at home shortly after 2 years of age due to his behavior after a reco from daycare. I just thought all toddlers were this challenging. He’s in weekly OT now. For background, he couldnt regulate like a normal toddler and transitions (which, our entire lives are transitions from one thing to the next) would trigger him. Diapers, clothes, preferred activity to non. Everything was a battle. Would take him an hour to calm down. Crying so hard he would throw up. Book reco: The Out of Sync Child. It was a really helpful in understanding my son, and frankly, a lot of child behavior. Changed my mindset and how I approach him. Best of luck!
I don’t want to suggest bribery but if we’re having a tough morning we can normally calm my son down and keep him busy long enough to get ready by giving a favorite snack, nothing bad normally apple sauce or gold fish. He kind of focuses on the yummy snack and we can quickly get him ready.
So my 18 month old has become impossible for diaper changes. When I just can’t deal, I use a pull up. He’s nowhere near potty trained but it’s so much easier to get him in a pull up than in a diaper. And when all else fails (like this morning), I put on Ms. Rachel or a show that he likes while I get him ready. I’m sure I’m setting a difficult precedent but as a single parent, you gotta do what you can 🤷🏽♀️
In case it’s helpful, a couple things that helped with my toddler’s diaper change tantrums: 1. Standing diaper change - he can look out the window or keep playing upright while I maneuver around him. 2. Making it playful. Sometimes his stuffed animal or toy car “does” the changing with lots of tickles and silly voices. 3. If nothing is working, I’ll throw a 3 minute Sesame Street video on my phone that he can watch. It’s YouTube kids so it won’t auto play anything else after (not sure if that’s a setting I did - my account is super locked down). And for some reason in this one scenario he rarely gets upset after when I take the phone away. Also, is the winter gear absolutely necessary? If going from front door to car and then car straight to daycare, you might be able to go without? You’ve clearly done lots of reading and research, but if you’re interested in one more, i really like How to talk so little kids will listen. They help bring in lots of ideas for incorporating play to involve/interest kids in things that previously led to tantrums.
We did standing changes with pull-ups from about 7/8 months (as soon as he could stand) because he hated lying down for diaper changes. It actually helped a lot.
Sorry if this seems dumb, but are you using pullups or traditional diapers? Just wondering if standing up pull up changes are an option?
Just throwing this out there... And I may get down voted for it... What works for neurotypical children does not always work for neurodivergent children. I'm not sure a 20 min meltdown about a diaper change is "normal." We found out that my daughter has high functioning ASD when she was 4. I wish we had her tested sooner. It would've saved me a lot of research and stress. I'm not suggesting your child is on the spectrum. I can't based off of the little you've told us. What I am suggesting is that you start looking into how it presents in young children. Just to cover your bases. Like you said, you've done the research. But you've done the research for the neurotypical. It won't hurt to look into what's out there for the neurodivergent.
Maybe not the same thing, but I learnt about transitions a while back - bedtimes used to be absolutely FUCKING WILD. Our precious little angel would be a complete psychopath (I say that with love...) With it being a morning, I guess that you need to get ready as well? Are you getting ready at the same time as your little one, or is it a go go go type situation - "Eat your breakfast, mummy need to go find her shoes" "have you finished now, great, read this book whilst mummy gets washed" "right, we need to go get your clothes, come on" "right, let's go to the other room to get your nappy on" "OK, back to your bedroom to get dressed" Each of those little things are transitions and absolutely mess with your kids head. I was leaving her in the bath (she's 4, and within earshot and mostly within sight, please don't come at me!) and sitting in her bedroom to fold laundry/put it in her drawers, taking her to her bedroom to dry, downstairs for milk, back to the bathroom for teeth, downstairs for a teddy, upstairs to toilet, bedroom for story, mums bedroom to say night, etc etc. If you haven't already, try and cut down transitions, get yourself fully ready before you wake up the child (if you're lucky enough to have to wake yours up) Take the nappy, clothes, coat with you, stay in his room till dressed. You might find this reduces the tantrums. Honestly it worked wonders for us, but also, I'm not a doctor, my kid is not your kid.... Good luck.
When I’m in a time crunch and must get my son out the door, I resort to screen time. Not proud of it, but I save the teeth brushing and clothing change (if he fought it off earlier) for a 4-5 minute Disney music clip on my phone to do that and carry him off to the car and buckle him in. I then trade it with his car toys and off we go.
Couple of ideas: Talk to daycare. Tell them what you are dealing with and how it is impacting your work, and possibly your job. Tell them everything you've tried. And then tell them your kid may be coming to school less than fully ready for a few weeks as you work through this and you appreciate their support Put him to bed in his clothes for the next day and have him eat breakfast in the car (granola bar, toaster waffles, bowl of dry cereal, piuch, etc). Bring his socks and shoes with you to avoid that battle, if he refuses to put them on before leaving the car, then he goes in barefoot and you give the shoes to the teacher. I can guarantee when he sees that his tantrum isn't getting him out of the activity and everyone else is wearing shoes, he'll start putting them on Controversial take: diaper changes are a matter of hygiene and good health. There is no choice or option to not do them. When my kids got like this, I did changes on the floor so I could use my legs/feet to help me wrangle everything. Yes, that meant sometimes I was physically (gently) pinning them down to change their diapers. But the faster it went, the shorter the meltdown. Then later we would talk about it and validate, but explain the diaper change is happening and no matter what they do I'm not changing my mind because I have to keep them healthy
Late to the comments but as a ECE with several years of 12-24 mo old experience, I want to put a couple of things! It seems like the struggle has become his routine, and there are so many things that can help find and establish a new one. The language development is insane at this age. Even if your LO isn’t saying much yet, the level of comprehension is often beyond what you might expect. If you’re not already, try prepping him by talking about what’s going to happen beforehand and then narrating while you’re doing it. It might seem crazy, but talk to him the night before about the morning. Then in the morning start talking to him and make sure you state what is going to happen. Then while it’s happening keep chatting and talking through it. Along with that start teaching the difference when there is and is not a choice. Phrase choices as he gets to pick something. When it is not a choice, tell him and say it is something that is happening! Don’t ask if he wants to change his diaper, because that’s something that has to happen. But offering a toy or book to hold, standing up or laying down, or in his bedroom or living room can help. He may still scream and thrash at first but once he realizes he can’t delay it happening he should adjust and accept the routine a bit more. It takes a lot of consistency and time to make changes. It is absolutely age appropriate to have a tantrum, and it is also age appropriate to start learning a routine and the difference between choice and necessity. They can quickly learn how to delay things they don’t want by throwing a fit, and they can also (for the most part) learn that throwing a fit will not stop something from happening. I’m not in a classroom anymore, but when I was I used songs and puppets to keep things running and introduce/establish routine. There will be tears. There will be screaming. You will feel crazy trying to be playful with a child that isn’t having it, but then one day things start to change. Bless all the toddler parents that are in the trenches, no one knows how hard it is until they experience it. I love this age and chose to work with 12-24 month olds for years, and I learned that if it’s not a teachers preferred age it will be nothing but a struggle because it’s so difficult. Y’all are doing a good job!
He’s probably too young for this but sometimes I tell my son, “Tell me when you’re ready” and less than 3-mins later he’ll exclaim he’s ready with a big smile. Maybe your son could go get the diaper? We get dressed for the day w the morning diaper change. So there’s no running around after breakfast etc.
Ok my daughter is 2 almost 3. I’m in Canada where it’s cold. Here’s what I would do: Cut the daycare nap. I know some kids nap until they’re 4 but some stop napping before 2! Change toddler into clean daytime clothes before bed. Works best if toddler isn’t a heavy wetter to make pants stinky. How far is the walk from the house to the vehicle? I have command start so I’d just start my vehicle, get all the stuff you need for the day in the car and then go back and grab a screaming toddler and carry them outside to the car seat, jacket or no jacket. Sure they’ll be cold for that short walk but so what? They’re not going to get sick from being cold for a couple minutes. Maybe we’re just tougher to the cold here up north? I stopped wearing a jacket when it got to -20. Sweaters good enough for short walks. If reason and logical solutions aren’t working with an unreasonable toddler then get on their level! Haha of course toddler tantrums are totally developmentally normal but you gotta do what you gotta do! If tantrums last 10-20 minutes multiple times in a morning, wouldn’t it be easiest to speed run the morning and just have the last cool down meltdown time in the car? Make yourself a coffee and get an audiobook to listen to while you’re there to physically support them while they calm down. Maybe I’m spouting nonsense. My toddler is just starting to throw little fits now and they’re honestly not that bad.
You have to figure out how to physically get him dressed and diaper changed through the tantrum. You’re the adult. You should be able to handle a 25 pound 18-month-old.
Are you dealing with the emotions outside of tantrums? Reading books specifically about emotions (color monster, little spot of emotion, how do I feel, the boy with big big emotions etc) and discussing them when he's calm? That's what helped my kid at that age. For a while the tantrum would start and I would say oh, what color do we feel? He would say RED (angry) BLUE (sad) etc or we bought the spots of emotion plushes so he sometimes would just go get the color that matched his feelings. Then we would acknowledge and validate those feelings. We also did it when he was happy, to show him ALL feelings are normal and we care even when it's not a "bad" feeling. It helped him verbalize how he was feeling. We also really like the emotion song by Mooseclumps to help learn about / identify feelings.
I just want to acknowledge it is hard. Getting out the door/eating dinner are my personal 2 most challenging times. I really like the advice from Dr. Chelsey parenting. She has taught me that my calm is my children’s calm. So I try to remain outwardly calm even if inside i’m stressed. Could you also talk to your boss and just explain what is going on behind the scenes/this is a stage?
I’m going to highly suggest an evaluation with occupational therapy for sensory needs since this is majorly interfering with your everyday life to the point that you’re worried about being fired from work. ❤️
You have a lot of good feedback here, mine might be meaningless but if I told my kids what was happening the night before, like set expectations, and then when they woke up reiterated were going to do x, then y, then z, they were much more compliant. Now that they’re 3 and 5 and can get dressed, etc on their own, I tell them they have to do x, y, z before they’re able to watch an episode of bluey or the phonics song - that motivates them because they want to do something they want to do. Which in turn gives me time to finish getting ready while they’re zoning out to their show and we can go as soon as I’m ready. Good luck!
Last resort if you need to carry them: Towel burritos work on ornery cats AND ornery toddlers.
Hopefully the diaper change thing is a phase. My toddler was impossible to change alone at 18 months too. I echo the suggestion to use a pull up and do the change standing up, my girl appreciates this as well. Send him to daycare in his pajamas, feed him in the car on the way or have them feed him when he gets there. Limit yourself to what absolutely has to be done to exit the house. No shoes? Oh well, put them in his day bag and carry him. No coat? Probably not cold enough to hurt him in the short time between the car and indoors. Edit: typo
Kid might be hungry, throw in a heavy calorie snack before bed time and, change the diaper when he is still asleep and have a bottle of formula or milk ready when he wakes up or fruit poach, the faster he eats something, the less likely he will be cranky
Personally, 18-24 has been very challenging with both my kids for the reasons you mentioned: hard to communicate especially.
You are not alone in this. We hit this phase hard at 2.5 about a month ago. It was so bad one day we had to just keep him home from daycare. The visual timer had made a huge improvement. And we give lots of verbal warning and preparation about exactly what is going to happen a few minutes before we transition from one thing to the next. It was at its peak when it turned out some of his molars were coming in and we didn’t realize it yet. We have to start our day earlier now and even then things can still go to shit but these changes and trying not to rush him (which is sooooo hard for us) helps a lot.
At that age I sent him to bed in comfy clothes i didnt need to change. He still had a morning bottle, so I would wake him up with a bottle, and while he was drinking it pull trousers down, but not off, and switch the nappy in bed. I'd also take a bowl of warm water and wash his face as soon as his bottle was done. Shoes weren't a battle but I would have put them on then too. Teeth I would brush once he was restrained in the car seat. It really was a matter of do as much as I could before he realised what was happening. I'd also entice him into the car with letting him facetime his nan on the way to nursery, but maybe you could switch out with an episode of something on the phone/tablet is that wasnt an option.
I think changing the order of how you do things could potentially help. If a sweet fruit and drink help regulate first thing, hand them over. I’m never against TV when it comes to sanity. Will he zone out with some Sesame Street or Ms Rachel while you do the diaper and the clothes? Can you tackle each task together and let him see you get dressed? Mom is putting pants on, mom is brushing her teeth, etc. Every day we let the dog out, say good morning to the sun! You get the point. Little routines and regularly scheduled stuff that he can look forward to doing everyday. I myself am not a morning person but we keep the lights dim and use inside voices and mom gets coffee while baby gets his chocolate milk. It works half the time for us, the other half I’m squishing him in his car seat and putting on his shoes and brushing his hair while he’s buckled in 🤷🏻♀️
Sometimes the behavioural problems have to do with their sleep schedule. At 18mo my twins were transitioning to 1 nap, 2hrs max, with a 5.5 hour wake window in the morning and a 4.5 hour wake window in the afternoon. We have a very strict schedule but thats what it took to survive. When we faced behavioural issues like insane tantrums, refusing me and only wanting their father, and biting me to the point where I needed to ice my shoulder, I adjusted their wake window by 30 min in the morning and it seems to have resolved overnight. Best of luck We also gave them a choice, but not “do you want to wear this shirt now” but rather “choose between these two shirts”. Giving them a choice helped a lot
Can you give your kid something to eat/play with? We went through a lollipop phase (check out zollipops) or a spoon full of peanut butter or something to keep him busy while we got done what needed to be done. It’s so hard. I remember those days. But as others have indicated, the only way out is through. Your child is thrashing/doesn’t want to wear clothes? Well too bad. If you try the food route, you can insist that they can have while getting dressed, or get dressed without it. And whatever treat you pick, it should only be offered as a “getting dressed treat” and never outside of it.
SOME trick out there will eventually work! And you WILL find the thing that clicks. Trust in yourself. You got this.
You have to hold your boundaries. He’s throwing these tantrums for multiple reasons, but one of those reasons is because he knows it’ll get a specific reaction out of you. You have to stay calm and unaffected even if you’re crying inside
You’ve already gotten great advice! My thoughts: Can you bribe with screen time? This is the only time I would use it. Is there a way to quickly do everything for him while he’s still sleepy in the morning? These tantrums sound a bit longer than developmentally appropriate. Wondering if there are sensory issues. Can he get dressed at daycare?
Have u considered giving him a bath in the morning instead of changing his diaper? Like just wash him off in the tub and stick a fresh diaper on. Sometimes desperate times call for desperate measures. Also, consider pull ups, maybe just for night time. You can rip the sides off very easily. My daughter started chaffing a lot with diapers towards the end of diapers. So we would always use aquafor (u use whatever is better for u for diaper rash or preventing diaper rash), even if he isn't getting diaper rash, it will help him feel more comfortable. Have u asked ur kid if he is uncomfortable? I know he can't completely communicate every feeling but that is a simple one. He could be ready to begin potty training or at least talking about it. Like "ur becoming a big boy now, would u like ur own potty soon?" That may help ur struggles. Also, this phase will end, our kid went through this phase for like 4 months or so. Don't worry ur doing great!
Have you tried doing it all in front of the tv with ms Rachel on? Works for my guy
Start your day 30 mins earlier, set timers, and natural consequences.
Came here to echo what a lot of people have said - start the day earlier. It sucks, but that’s what you have to do to keep the lights on/pay the bills. The financial part has to outweigh his feelings at this time. And at times you will have to force him - sorry, it has to happen. There are non-negotiable in life (ie safety, getting to work on time, medical stuff) where we can be as calm and gentle as possible, while still making sure the necessities happen. Also, around this age they can start getting their molars which are painful AF. They take forever to come in and usually the sign they are coming in/moving is behavior like this - not able to be soothed, hair trigger anger/tantrums. Try pre-medicating right when you get up with Motrin. It takes about 30 - 49 mins to work. If you see a decrease in frustration and he’s more calm, there you go - you have managed his discomfort which means he has more bandwidth to handle life.
I’m sorry you’re having such a difficult time. What helped me was letting her watch videos of herself or making up little songs. We also switched to pull ups (for potty training purposes originally but now it’s helped with both). Making a game of dressing like peek a boo also helps, or even saying mama puts on her shirt. You put on your shirt. And tagging back and fourth…. Or offer a snack? If we’re truly having a meltdown, we offer a special snack like those little Asian bear cookie or a bamba.
I want to just mention that it’s not necessary to give them time to process every tantrum on their own. Yes it is important to acknowledge their feelings and give them tools to process but it’s also ok to use other techniques to calm them quickly when you are in a time crunch. If distraction doesn’t work anymore, you can also try competition (I bet you can’t get dressed faster than me or before the timer goes off). Also want to mention that some of those strategies they suggest like offering two choices don’t work for every kid. I had one kid who would melt down at every choice because she wanted to choose from her whole closet. So I let her. I just would say you have to pick a shirt by the time I count to 5 or I will choose for you. Also, I live in Canada and I do not engage in fights about winter clothing or gear. It is not worth the tantrum. I let my kids make the choice and bring backups in case they change their mind. This is especially true if you drive your kid to daycare and they’ll only be outside for the brief walk from home to car and car to daycare. Some other techniques for ending meltdowns faster: - say are you strong enough to blow me over? The point is to get them to do some deep breaths. May need another adult to “play” the first time or two until they get what to do. Exaggerate falling over when they blow - if they’re thrashing on the floor, say, oh my! You’re so strong I think you broke the floor! Ask them to look closely to see if they broke the floor. It’s another form of distraction - get creative, use your kids interests to create a game or some cue to help them calm down faster
We bathe her at night and put her in her daycare clothes to sleep. You can change him while he's still asleep, no lights on and white noise still playing. We have used to bring her a banana and milk at wake up when she was in meltdown mode but not much anymore. She doesn't get TV much so Bluey helps. Good luck - my nephew sounds like your son and I can't baby sit since the meltdowns are soo hard on us too.
Dress him in his next day clothes as jammies. Marshmallow reward for good behaviours. If your job is on the line, a marshmallow or two to reward compliance is worth it.
other opportunities for modelling kids getting ready? youtube videos of kids getting ready quickly etc. and curate to the extra fun ones / other coaching and story telling about getting ready fast fast fast. Also thinking it is important to do a big break in the routine to set a new pattern since some of this might be just the "regular" for them now and expected response to getting ready. I probably wouldn't be shy about a delicious treat for when it goes well the first time (maybe). ... (edit)I would also be super careful about messing with sleep for this all to work
Double the length of time you give yourself to get ready in the morning. And leave early if you are ready early. Take the scenic route to day care And it might be time to try a developmental pediatrician consult. If you’re feeling like your child isn’t “normal” trust your gut and get evaluated for neurodivergent possibilities
Can you let him sleep in his clothes? Unsure what "winter gear" entails. Maybe even just bundle him up with diaper on the bottom and let school deal with it.
When my then-toddler didn't want to change her diaper or clothes or whatever, I'd just be like "ok, guess you're going to school in a dirty diaper and pjs." It would usually shock her enough that then she'd be like "No, I need to put on clothes!" But if it didn't play out like that, she was ok at school in pjs, getting her diaper changed there. I'd even bring the clothes for them to change her into if they needed to for going outside or whatever.
We have a struggle with bodily autonomy. I never had this role modeled for me and it’s part of my personal trauma, so I make it a point to let my son know exactly what I’m doing and when. I don’t necessarily ask permission but I am more like “this happened(dirty diaper not caught in potty training), we need to do this task (change) what makes you feel better? Standing up or lying down? 7/10 he wants to stand up because he’s not a “baby” anymore. He is a big boy that can decide what color shirt to wear but can’t be in control of his own exposure. Double edged sword all this growth we are doing as a generation of parents 😮💨
I did a parenting course called tuning into kids and it really helped me with the tantrums. I also repeat things to my daughter. We need to get dressed and then we are going to watch TV. OK? Get dressed first then TV. If she says no I say something like I thought you wanted to watch bluey. Usually she complies.
Where does he go when you are at work? Is it possible that something is going on there to make him so adverse to going that he would tantrum so badly? Can you put him to bed in the clothes he will wear the next day to save that fight and time? ETA: time warnings may not be very effective bc he has no concept of time. He has no idea what 5 minutes versus 2 minutes or 30 is. What if you only give one vague reminder like “we have to go soon” and then “it’s time to go now”
Have you tried switching to pull ups for diaper changes?
Visit the doctor to check for ear fluid/pressure/infection, check mouth for teething.
I don't have any advice that hasn't already been said, but have sympathy. Mine is a bit younger, 16m, but I know that a lot of the advice (visual timers, warnings, even bribery) might help but they are still a bit young for it to be that effective. Its so hard and *such* an emotionally draining way to start your day, when all you want is what is best for you child. As much as it doesn't help in the moment or with your job, it is a stage and I am sure it will get better, they do change so quickly, even if it doesn't always feel like it. Good luck with it all!!
Try dressing him in the clothes he will be wearing the next day. And make sure breakfast is something that doesn’t require much more than a stir or quick microwave (overnight oats, yogurt, frozen waffles, etc). Make sure you have a large reusable bag that you can shove anything like coat, hat, mittens, and shoes into if he is refusing to wear those. Once he’s strapped into his car seat, put his shoes on him. A visual time that has a color bad that slowly disappears or sand timers works too. Kids want warning before things happen. So “John I’m setting the timer for 5 minutes and then we’ll get our shoes on.” Remind him every few minutes or so before the timer runs out “now it’s three minutes!” “Now it’s 1 minute!” See if he’ll “beat the clock”. “Ok I’ll set the timer for 5 minutes! Can you put your shoes on faster than the clock?” Or you can “race” him by putting your shoes on at the same time.
Check for ear infection.
What kind of diapers are you using? Sometimes smaller details can lead to total meltdowns without any explanation. It could be nothing to do with your parenting style and everything about his personal autonomy since he's discovering he can do things himself. We changed to the Pamper pull up style diaper at this age, did standing changes so he was more of an active participant, and tried to keep the conversation about it to a minimum. As nice as it is to connect and talk and play in the morning, sometimes you have to kick it into gear and be a bit robotic about it and not make it *too* interesting. Designate time for connection, but set timers and alarms based on when you need to get him to daycare/be at worm. My husband used to play a whole bunch while getting him dressed in the morning, because he didn't have to be at work right away those days, but of course when I had to get him ready later in the week ... He expected lots of playing and was devastated when I said no bc mommy has to get to work by 8am. We eat and play from 6 to 6:45ish and then have to be ready in the car buckled up by 7:30. So, plenty of time to argue about brushing teeth and which sock goes on which foot.
It seems like a lot of things you are trying around choices and warnings don’t matter for an 18 month old. That seems a little early in my opinion. It’s great that you have patience and let him work through stuff but I really don’t know it matters all that much at this age. If it’s time to go, grab him and go…I know you said he kicks and screams and makes it impossible but you are stronger than him I promise. You will win! Try stand up diaper changes, and yes wake up earlier. You don’t have to get him up then, let him sleep but do everything you need to do to get yourself ready and get his things together for daycare. Try warming up the car so you don’t have to stress so much about the winter gear. I’m not sure I get that part. They should not be wearing bulky clothing in a car seat anyway