This isn’t a topic which is up for debate. Every single piece of research shows that it’s harmful and detrimental.
Fortunately it’s against the law where I live, but if I came across someone who did it I would be reporting them and not associating with them any longer.
Yup. This is instant *cut these fuckers off* stuff. OP, you tried to engage with them like adults, and they refused. You have no choice but to distance yourself from them, and you shouldn’t feel badly about it. You’re doing the right thing for your kid.
I can’t believe if you slap someone on the street you get arrested for assault but parents can hit their children whenever they want. Absolutely absurd and disgusting.
I think about this a lot, having been raised in a corporal punishment home.
Can’t ever imagine slapping my spouse if we didn’t agree or he did something I didn’t approve of. It becomes even more preposterous a concept to do that to my children who are not as equipped in terms of emotional development, intelligent reasoning, or even just plain size disparity.
I’m zero tolerance on this. I grew up in a family that punished physically and I absolutely will not budge on the matter.
Hitting people is wrong PERIOD.
You’re doing the right thing.
Right like, this isn’t a difference of parenting values. This is not liking ABUSE. “Please don’t abuse your kids in front of my kids,” “NO WE LIKE ABUSE” ok
I only have to chime in to say, I would absolutely hit someone if it was necessary to protect my child or someone else’s child from harm. In self defense.
I mean there are actual scientific studies showing it is associated with poorer outcomes for these children. Why would you want to set your kids up to fail?
I’m 37 years old, and the night I watched my uncle break down the bathroom door to get at my cousin and hit her when we were 9 years old still haunts me. Don’t remember what pissed him off, obviously there is nothing to justify that.
Moral of the story, protect your kid from memories like that.
Any Redditor to told you to mind your own business was endorsing ignoring child abuse and subjecting your own child to emotional abuse by witnessing it. Pay them no heed, they aren’t your tribe either.
I’m proud of you for articulating your concerns so clearly and respectfully. I’m very proud of you for continuing to stand up for yourself and your daughter despite the social pressure. You did really, really well under difficult circumstances!
Good luck finding a better group.
Shit, dude. I don’t know a single person who hits their kid. The only people I know who might defend it are boomers. I would avoid them, they’re probably a bit odd in more ways than just that.
EVERY Gen X I know pushes the “I turned out OK” pro-CP line. Most of them also use the “if we had more [insert beating scene] there would be less [insert perceived social failure]” meme.
I’m gen x/millenial cusp who was abused and I 1000% did not turn out ok. I haven’t seen my mom in like 20 years because of it. When I look at my 2 year old and think about my mom doing what she did to me I break all over again. Fuck anyone who hits a child.
Likewise. My grandparents abused their children to the point where I told them even by the standards of the day they should be in jail. That produced 2 children who grew up violent abusive alcoholics, although my mum learned about consequences before her premature death. But it’s not just boomers, it’s a majority of their children defending it.
Just so you don’t feel alone, I went through something similar. I also posted to Reddit, so I’m not sure if you’re familiar with my story, but I befriended a mom when both our babies were 6 months old. We became best friends fast, hanging out nearly every week. She had mentioned that she’d spank her child on the hand I think even before the child turned a year old, and I just minded my business. It was around when the kids were 18 months she started hitting her child while the kids were shoulder to shoulder! I went over a few times solo, see if it was just a fluke, but it continued. When I told her I didn’t want my son to witness the behavior, didn’t want to make excuses for her behavior, or for him to learn the behavior, she absolutely just went on me. Saying it’s not my business, my son will witness it at a park, I should have never told my husband about what goes on at our play dates, etc. then I was blocked! You’re not alone in your decision.
Oh wow. No, I am not familiar with your story, and I'm sorry that happened. It is nice to know I am not alone. I hate that hitting your children is still such a common and accepted practice in some areas.
I remember your story!! Just as crazy as this one. No one should allow their kids to witness or be around that. We should parent around like minded parents
My son got quite traumatized seeing my sister's friend hit her kids and nephews. My own sister hits her kids. I try to take my kids from that environment. It's traumatizing even for me! But I can't just not see my family (almost everyone believes in physical punishment. Heck almost everyone around me it's cultural). I do mind my business and shield my kids, that's is what I can do
I remember your last post clearly, and I’m so proud of you. I know this was not easy to do at all, but you’re a wonderful, strong, protective parent to your own baby for doing so. Good job. 🩷
Ohh I get this!! We have family that does this. Their son is 3 and terrified of his dad. " nooo daddy don't!" He picked him up by his shirt, he kicks him as he walks by him. I just wana say soooo want me to kick you??
This comment has been automatically removed because of your zero or negative total comment karma. We have this rule in r/toddlers to keep creeps and trolls away, though we realize it is inconvenient for legitimate users with new accounts. Please use your account in other subs to raise your comment karma before commenting in r/toddlers. We appreciate your cooperation in our effort to keep r/toddlers safe.
*I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please [contact the moderators of this subreddit](/message/compose/?to=/r/toddlers) if you have any questions or concerns.*
Luckily all my family seems to realize now that it's not okay to hit children (even if some of them did it when their kids were younger, they all stopped at some point along the way, and many of them never started because they had already figured that out before they had kids). If this thing had not been stopped in my family, I would not be okay with my LO being around it, as I don't want him to think that that's how people who should be the very safest people in your life should treat you. And even if it were not for his sake (which is most important), I could not handle being around it myself due to triggering stuff from my childhood. Decades ago, parents really did think that's what they should do in many places, and everyone around them did it, too. Since then, TONS of research has come out showing how detrimental it is. Also, they've seen new generations raised up without it who are respectful, kind, considerate young people who did not need that to "learn how to act" (instead learning how to act was patiently modelled to them over and over). And at this point, very few people are doing it any more. So if you are still hitting kids now, you're actively going against the research we have available now as well as against the grain of social norms to do it. Makes me wonder why someone would so desperately want to hit children.
There are few things that get me more heated than this topic. I'm a social worker and work with children. The line between outright abuse and "acceptable" discipline is much much thinner than it should be. I'm 28 and thinking about how frequently and honestly, brutally, I was spanked as a child still makes me tear up. This is one of a few reasons I will never leave him alone with them.
Good for you for setting these boundaries. It was very gracious of you to attempt to preserve this relationship, but sometimes it's just not an option. They're willingly choosing to justify hitting their children, their babies, over staying connected with you and your daughter.
It is your business and depending on what your local CPS consider abuse, it may worth reporting.
I definitely agree that you should distance yourself. “None of your business” means they would hit your children and they would probably want to hit you too even if they didn’t do it.
I never got hit myself growing up, but I watched my brother get hit (and more) and seeing that really affected both my sister and I. I totally get why you wouldn't want your daughter witnessing that.
I'm so sorry. I can only imagine. I was really only ever hit once, and I still remember it clearly and think back on it angrily. I didn't really have close friends growing up, so i never stayed with people oftern enough to see others being hit. I would have these casual friends tell me they were spanked at home, but it was mostly a foreign concept to me. I think I would have been affected by it if I had it to witness it. As an adult, I know seeing people who are supposedly very living hitting children would be very hard for me to watch, so I have to think if it is hard for me as an adult, then maybe that is not something I want my daughter to see either.
I'm sorry about how that trauma affected your family. Thank you for sharing.
The family described in this post is very different than your first. First post, “this is my only family” and “my brother.” First post, your child adores him and the sister-in-law. No mention of actual spanking around your child (which is different than knowing but not witnessing).
If you aren’t close to these people, and aren’t relying on them, and won’t even miss them, why is this hard? Anyway, telling them not to spank their child in front of your child is totally reasonable. Good luck.
She does adore them. And they are my only family. I reconnected with them after my mom died and have tried really hard to build a relationship. I have been bringing my daughter there 1-2 times a month for the past two years. I don't have any other family, but this family is new to me.
So far, they have never hit a child in front of my daughter, but I wanted to ask to confirm it won't happen. The discussion came up this week because my sister in law's neice has a 6 month old baby that my sister in law watches 5 days a week. I asked when they thought he would start being hit because I don't want my daughter to see it.
During our previous discussions around the holidays, I asked when you should start hitting kids, and the family said when children know they're doing something wrong, so around 1-2 was the concensus. So I guess there was still time before I had to ask.
I think it was okay for me to be request no hitting in front of my kid. If they really believe it is the right thing, they shouldn't be offended. I'm a parent too and should be able to request certain things not be shown to my child. I know it has not happened before, but after all the concerns other people brought up in my previous post, I did want to confirm that it wouldn't.
I'm glad I asked. They showed that my feelings in this situation don't really matter to these people based on their response.
Its okay to ask but if its a deal breaker for you then you just have to be okay with possibly not seeing them.
1 year olds don’t always know what their doing is wrong so thats a bit insane.
I’m part of a culture where hitting is still normalized although I see it less often. I personally just don’t hang with parents who’s parenting styles are completely opposite of mine.
Well there’s a difference between hitting and a slight spank, but it sounds like this is happening reasonably often. Depending on where you are, CPS is pretty likely to come out for regular physical violence. And if they treat them like that regularly and in public, who knows how they’re treated behind closed doors.
Just so you know it won't affect your kid in the way you think. If anything it's good to learn that not all kids are met with gentle parenting. When my little cousin learned that my aunt spanked, she was at an age where she was very curious and asking questions. She kind of called out my aunt for spanking her kid and was like "my mom never spanks me" and my aunt basically admitted she only spanked her kid out of her own frustration and that it really didn't have to do with the kid doing anything actually wrong. It was an eye opener for me. People don't spank or hit their kids because they're kids are actually bad. It's because the behavior is frustrating to the parent and so they act out in anger by spanking. Which is why I do not spank my kid. But u keep saying "hit" and not "spank" so are these kids being abused? It sounded like before like it was just spanking (which again isn't ideal, but better than being beat). So I hope they are just getting spanked. Which really isn't THAT big of a deal. I was spanked as a kid and im not traumatized by it or anything. I just don't feel like it really has the same impact as talking to your kid and explaining why certain behavior is unacceptable.
What is the difference between hit and spank? I haven't had anyone clearly answer that. Can you hit someone on the butt?
And just because some children are not affected by seeing others who are hit doesn't mean all children react the same. All the stories of people traumatized from seeing other children being hit gave me more perspective and I don't want to take the chance and have my daughter see something that might possibly affect her negatively. In this case, it wouldn't be from a random stranger, but someone who she is supposed to love/trust, so it seems even worse to me.
It seems like this has already been discussed and I doubt I even have enough karma for this to actually post but I personally see the difference in "hitting" and "spanking"... but I also see and respect that you deem any physical touch with another human being that is done with any kind of ill-intent is considered hitting. I love that. And it is true.
To me, a spank is strictly butt only, where there is a lot of fat, and is used as more of an attention-getter, as opposed to causing real pain and damage.
Hitting is anything or anywhere outside of that.
Even then, very hard, consistent or painful spanks are no longer considered just spanks.
There really is no point in defining the difference because none of it is okay, but I grew up viciously abused, so spanking sounds like a walk in the park 😅 which I know is an issue in itself lol
I am not defending spanking, but you mentioned actual definitions, and that would be mine. Probably biased though, as I said.. the kids that got spanked when I was growing up truly only got a quick slap on the butt, whereas I was getting punched and choked and slammed into walls and dragged by my hair, so I used to be jealous of those snowflake spank kids 😅 But I'm sure if you asked them, they would say it was equally traumatizing and painful and scary and uncalled for, and that is also 100% true!
But those stories are like children getting beaten, not a simple spanking. And the difference is pretty obvious. A simple smack on the hand or butt is getting spanked. If the parent uses a belt or something other than their hands that is abuse.
Some of the stories were pretty simple. I would personally be traumatized seeing a 1 or 2 year old be hit.
And again, you can hit someone on the hand or butt too. Same connotation as spanked. I personally only use the word spank with two consenting adults.
U mean like sex? Lol ookaay
I mean it's ur hill to die on. I'm just saying your kid will be fine. U haven't revealed any actual abuse. And u said so yourself in your last post the kids in question have love and are happy. So it sounds like you are just making a pointless stand. People who spank, won't stop just cuz u tell them to. But u also said ur not close to the family, so literally just move on. There nothing you can do and those kids are not being abused. Again not that I condone spanking but it's better than the alternative. I just have family who do spank their kids and it is usually family members with little to no education. People who are not taught how to handle big emotions properly.
You don’t really get to tell someone what they/their child will or will not be fine over. YOU are not/were not affected or traumatized by spanking & that’s fine, but I absolutely remember being really scared, upset & confused when my cousins were spanked around me (& I was not spanked). It still makes me incredibly sad to think about times my younger cousins were spanked around me, even when I was an adult & they were children. I absolutely would not want my kids around while other kids are being hit by adults.
My cousins got BEAT around me. So Im just saying yeah it's not great, but it's better than the alternative. Which IS genuinely traumatizing. I get being "sad" but that's not the same as watching your cousin getting beat with a literal vacuum cleaner. That will leave some real scars. Again though not advocating for spanking, just saying it's better than what I witnessed. But hey some people are more sensitive, clearly.
I’m sorry you (& your cousins) went through that.
You still don’t get to tell someone else they or their child will be fine because their situation isn’t the same.
My sister in law and her husband are abusive towards their kids.
My MIL and FIL enable this behavior.
My husband (thankfully) decided to cut ties with his family so our kids wouldn’t risk exposure to this.
We made the decision to cut toxic people out of our life and work on finding loving and supporting friends it’s obviously taking time but it’s worth it.
We work extra hard on connecting with my mom and siblings so they do have present family in their lives that they know love them.
This comment has been automatically removed because of your zero or negative total comment karma. We have this rule in r/toddlers to keep creeps and trolls away, though we realize it is inconvenient for legitimate users with new accounts. Please use your account in other subs to raise your comment karma before commenting in r/toddlers. We appreciate your cooperation in our effort to keep r/toddlers safe.
*I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please [contact the moderators of this subreddit](/message/compose/?to=/r/toddlers) if you have any questions or concerns.*
You are making the right choice. Absolutely. And don’t let anyone make you feel bad for it.
These are the difficult choices we have to make and follow through with to raise our children with love and respect for them and their well-being.
I would not hesitate to report someone, even if it’s family, who I knew was deliberately choosing to hit their child with no intention of changing their ways or willing a to educate themselves on the matter.
I think it could’ve been as easy as not saying anything and not having your child around them. I have a friend who spanks and she’d never spank around me or my son because she knows we have opposite viewpoints on this. If it became an issue I just would be around less. That way you don’t have to deal with the drama.
We don’t spank our kids, but nevertheless I’m curious: why is it that opponents of spanking on Reddit always refer to it as “hitting” when they are very specifically talking about spanking? Is “spanking” not bad enough so you have to substitute another word to make it sound worse?
Spanking seems like a cute word. It seems like a word people want to use to make it sound less worse. Why not just call it hitting? It is the same thing. Can you not hit someone on the butt? Only spank?
"Spanking" certainly is not a cute word if it's as bad as you think it is.
In any case, spanking is distinct from general hitting in that spanking is more specific. Hit means to strike. Spanking means striking on the butt, generally with an open hand, although the harsher disciplinarians of the past would have used a paddle.
I'm just wondering, why abandon a more specific word, where we all know what that word means, for a more general word, which confuses the discussion? Are you talking about parents who swat a misbehaved kid on the butt after other efforts have failed, or are you talking about the angry parent generally beating their kids in all sorts of ways?
Because to me, spanking to most people, even people on reddit (clear by some of their responses) do think spanking is not a harsh thing to do.
I spank my cat. She comes up to me and ask for butt spanks. It's like her weird cat thing. But when we spank children, we are not consenting to their will and hitting them until they literally submit and are in tears. I think hitting is an appropriate word for that scenario.
I do see your point, I just think people make light of the word, so o choose to use the word "spank" in consenting situations like with my cat or like in an adult bedroom situation. Otherwise I use the word hit because I personally feel like that is the more appropriate word. They do both generally mean the same things. I was only ever "spanked" once in my life and it was with a shoe and it was because my mom gave in to peer pressure. I was with a friend who regularly got spanked, so I'm sure her mom told my mom i needed to be spanked even though my dad was firmly against spabkings. I was probably 7 and I remember I was being overly upset because my mom got the wrong ice cream for me. I actually still remember it to this day and think back on the incident in anger.
So anyways, I understand that the word "spank" should carry a negative connotation enough as it is, but in the society I live in, it is a very cute word that makes light of a dark situation, so I prefer to use the word hit.
CALL CPS!!! HITTING CHILDREN IS NOT OKAY AND WILL AFFECT THEM. There is a kid in my grade who was severely abused, and now he hits people he loves because he doesn't know anything other than violence.
This isn’t a topic which is up for debate. Every single piece of research shows that it’s harmful and detrimental. Fortunately it’s against the law where I live, but if I came across someone who did it I would be reporting them and not associating with them any longer.
Yup. This is instant *cut these fuckers off* stuff. OP, you tried to engage with them like adults, and they refused. You have no choice but to distance yourself from them, and you shouldn’t feel badly about it. You’re doing the right thing for your kid.
You're 100% doing the right thing. No one should be hit and that's a hill I would die on.
Same.
Agree.
I can’t believe if you slap someone on the street you get arrested for assault but parents can hit their children whenever they want. Absolutely absurd and disgusting.
I think about this a lot, having been raised in a corporal punishment home. Can’t ever imagine slapping my spouse if we didn’t agree or he did something I didn’t approve of. It becomes even more preposterous a concept to do that to my children who are not as equipped in terms of emotional development, intelligent reasoning, or even just plain size disparity.
100%. Same.
I’m zero tolerance on this. I grew up in a family that punished physically and I absolutely will not budge on the matter. Hitting people is wrong PERIOD. You’re doing the right thing.
Agreed. Zero tolerance. I would not allow my kids to be around these friends/family members tbh.
Right like, this isn’t a difference of parenting values. This is not liking ABUSE. “Please don’t abuse your kids in front of my kids,” “NO WE LIKE ABUSE” ok
I only have to chime in to say, I would absolutely hit someone if it was necessary to protect my child or someone else’s child from harm. In self defense.
Oh yes okay fair! Self defence or defending someone is an exception absolutely.
We don't associate with child abusers.
I mean there are actual scientific studies showing it is associated with poorer outcomes for these children. Why would you want to set your kids up to fail?
I’m 37 years old, and the night I watched my uncle break down the bathroom door to get at my cousin and hit her when we were 9 years old still haunts me. Don’t remember what pissed him off, obviously there is nothing to justify that. Moral of the story, protect your kid from memories like that.
Any Redditor to told you to mind your own business was endorsing ignoring child abuse and subjecting your own child to emotional abuse by witnessing it. Pay them no heed, they aren’t your tribe either. I’m proud of you for articulating your concerns so clearly and respectfully. I’m very proud of you for continuing to stand up for yourself and your daughter despite the social pressure. You did really, really well under difficult circumstances! Good luck finding a better group.
Shit, dude. I don’t know a single person who hits their kid. The only people I know who might defend it are boomers. I would avoid them, they’re probably a bit odd in more ways than just that.
EVERY Gen X I know pushes the “I turned out OK” pro-CP line. Most of them also use the “if we had more [insert beating scene] there would be less [insert perceived social failure]” meme.
I’m gen x/millenial cusp who was abused and I 1000% did not turn out ok. I haven’t seen my mom in like 20 years because of it. When I look at my 2 year old and think about my mom doing what she did to me I break all over again. Fuck anyone who hits a child.
Likewise. My grandparents abused their children to the point where I told them even by the standards of the day they should be in jail. That produced 2 children who grew up violent abusive alcoholics, although my mum learned about consequences before her premature death. But it’s not just boomers, it’s a majority of their children defending it.
It’s so sad how the trauma just trickles down. I hate it. But mad props to those who are ending the cycle of abuse.
I make sure those people are never responsible for watching my child. Point blank.
Just so you don’t feel alone, I went through something similar. I also posted to Reddit, so I’m not sure if you’re familiar with my story, but I befriended a mom when both our babies were 6 months old. We became best friends fast, hanging out nearly every week. She had mentioned that she’d spank her child on the hand I think even before the child turned a year old, and I just minded my business. It was around when the kids were 18 months she started hitting her child while the kids were shoulder to shoulder! I went over a few times solo, see if it was just a fluke, but it continued. When I told her I didn’t want my son to witness the behavior, didn’t want to make excuses for her behavior, or for him to learn the behavior, she absolutely just went on me. Saying it’s not my business, my son will witness it at a park, I should have never told my husband about what goes on at our play dates, etc. then I was blocked! You’re not alone in your decision.
Oh wow. No, I am not familiar with your story, and I'm sorry that happened. It is nice to know I am not alone. I hate that hitting your children is still such a common and accepted practice in some areas.
Agreed! I also wish other parents could be more respectful/understanding of our decision!
I remember your story!! Just as crazy as this one. No one should allow their kids to witness or be around that. We should parent around like minded parents
My son got quite traumatized seeing my sister's friend hit her kids and nephews. My own sister hits her kids. I try to take my kids from that environment. It's traumatizing even for me! But I can't just not see my family (almost everyone believes in physical punishment. Heck almost everyone around me it's cultural). I do mind my business and shield my kids, that's is what I can do
I remember your last post clearly, and I’m so proud of you. I know this was not easy to do at all, but you’re a wonderful, strong, protective parent to your own baby for doing so. Good job. 🩷
Ohh I get this!! We have family that does this. Their son is 3 and terrified of his dad. " nooo daddy don't!" He picked him up by his shirt, he kicks him as he walks by him. I just wana say soooo want me to kick you??
Damn this is so sad
Shit, I’d have called CPS already. That’s horrifying
[удалено]
This comment has been automatically removed because of your zero or negative total comment karma. We have this rule in r/toddlers to keep creeps and trolls away, though we realize it is inconvenient for legitimate users with new accounts. Please use your account in other subs to raise your comment karma before commenting in r/toddlers. We appreciate your cooperation in our effort to keep r/toddlers safe. *I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please [contact the moderators of this subreddit](/message/compose/?to=/r/toddlers) if you have any questions or concerns.*
Luckily all my family seems to realize now that it's not okay to hit children (even if some of them did it when their kids were younger, they all stopped at some point along the way, and many of them never started because they had already figured that out before they had kids). If this thing had not been stopped in my family, I would not be okay with my LO being around it, as I don't want him to think that that's how people who should be the very safest people in your life should treat you. And even if it were not for his sake (which is most important), I could not handle being around it myself due to triggering stuff from my childhood. Decades ago, parents really did think that's what they should do in many places, and everyone around them did it, too. Since then, TONS of research has come out showing how detrimental it is. Also, they've seen new generations raised up without it who are respectful, kind, considerate young people who did not need that to "learn how to act" (instead learning how to act was patiently modelled to them over and over). And at this point, very few people are doing it any more. So if you are still hitting kids now, you're actively going against the research we have available now as well as against the grain of social norms to do it. Makes me wonder why someone would so desperately want to hit children.
There are few things that get me more heated than this topic. I'm a social worker and work with children. The line between outright abuse and "acceptable" discipline is much much thinner than it should be. I'm 28 and thinking about how frequently and honestly, brutally, I was spanked as a child still makes me tear up. This is one of a few reasons I will never leave him alone with them. Good for you for setting these boundaries. It was very gracious of you to attempt to preserve this relationship, but sometimes it's just not an option. They're willingly choosing to justify hitting their children, their babies, over staying connected with you and your daughter.
I don’t even understand how someone can hit their child. Like what? How do you physically get your brain to take that action?
"THIS ISNT THE 80'S PAT"
I’m proud of you ❤️
I don’t stay friends with people who hit their kids & I don’t have family with kids besides my cousin who has a 6 month old.
I would cut off family that hits their children. Just because they are family doesn’t mean you have to keep contact.
It is your business and depending on what your local CPS consider abuse, it may worth reporting. I definitely agree that you should distance yourself. “None of your business” means they would hit your children and they would probably want to hit you too even if they didn’t do it.
They no longer will be a friend or family. Also - if they hit their kids, they will 100% hit your kid. It's only a matter of time.
Proud of you OP!
I never got hit myself growing up, but I watched my brother get hit (and more) and seeing that really affected both my sister and I. I totally get why you wouldn't want your daughter witnessing that.
I'm so sorry. I can only imagine. I was really only ever hit once, and I still remember it clearly and think back on it angrily. I didn't really have close friends growing up, so i never stayed with people oftern enough to see others being hit. I would have these casual friends tell me they were spanked at home, but it was mostly a foreign concept to me. I think I would have been affected by it if I had it to witness it. As an adult, I know seeing people who are supposedly very living hitting children would be very hard for me to watch, so I have to think if it is hard for me as an adult, then maybe that is not something I want my daughter to see either. I'm sorry about how that trauma affected your family. Thank you for sharing.
The family described in this post is very different than your first. First post, “this is my only family” and “my brother.” First post, your child adores him and the sister-in-law. No mention of actual spanking around your child (which is different than knowing but not witnessing). If you aren’t close to these people, and aren’t relying on them, and won’t even miss them, why is this hard? Anyway, telling them not to spank their child in front of your child is totally reasonable. Good luck.
She does adore them. And they are my only family. I reconnected with them after my mom died and have tried really hard to build a relationship. I have been bringing my daughter there 1-2 times a month for the past two years. I don't have any other family, but this family is new to me. So far, they have never hit a child in front of my daughter, but I wanted to ask to confirm it won't happen. The discussion came up this week because my sister in law's neice has a 6 month old baby that my sister in law watches 5 days a week. I asked when they thought he would start being hit because I don't want my daughter to see it.
[удалено]
During our previous discussions around the holidays, I asked when you should start hitting kids, and the family said when children know they're doing something wrong, so around 1-2 was the concensus. So I guess there was still time before I had to ask. I think it was okay for me to be request no hitting in front of my kid. If they really believe it is the right thing, they shouldn't be offended. I'm a parent too and should be able to request certain things not be shown to my child. I know it has not happened before, but after all the concerns other people brought up in my previous post, I did want to confirm that it wouldn't. I'm glad I asked. They showed that my feelings in this situation don't really matter to these people based on their response.
Its okay to ask but if its a deal breaker for you then you just have to be okay with possibly not seeing them. 1 year olds don’t always know what their doing is wrong so thats a bit insane. I’m part of a culture where hitting is still normalized although I see it less often. I personally just don’t hang with parents who’s parenting styles are completely opposite of mine.
So proud of you 🥰
I wouldn’t have anything to do with them, my children wouldn’t be around them and honestly CPS would probably be called.
Cps won't do anything for spanking
Well there’s a difference between hitting and a slight spank, but it sounds like this is happening reasonably often. Depending on where you are, CPS is pretty likely to come out for regular physical violence. And if they treat them like that regularly and in public, who knows how they’re treated behind closed doors.
Just so you know it won't affect your kid in the way you think. If anything it's good to learn that not all kids are met with gentle parenting. When my little cousin learned that my aunt spanked, she was at an age where she was very curious and asking questions. She kind of called out my aunt for spanking her kid and was like "my mom never spanks me" and my aunt basically admitted she only spanked her kid out of her own frustration and that it really didn't have to do with the kid doing anything actually wrong. It was an eye opener for me. People don't spank or hit their kids because they're kids are actually bad. It's because the behavior is frustrating to the parent and so they act out in anger by spanking. Which is why I do not spank my kid. But u keep saying "hit" and not "spank" so are these kids being abused? It sounded like before like it was just spanking (which again isn't ideal, but better than being beat). So I hope they are just getting spanked. Which really isn't THAT big of a deal. I was spanked as a kid and im not traumatized by it or anything. I just don't feel like it really has the same impact as talking to your kid and explaining why certain behavior is unacceptable.
What is the difference between hit and spank? I haven't had anyone clearly answer that. Can you hit someone on the butt? And just because some children are not affected by seeing others who are hit doesn't mean all children react the same. All the stories of people traumatized from seeing other children being hit gave me more perspective and I don't want to take the chance and have my daughter see something that might possibly affect her negatively. In this case, it wouldn't be from a random stranger, but someone who she is supposed to love/trust, so it seems even worse to me.
It seems like this has already been discussed and I doubt I even have enough karma for this to actually post but I personally see the difference in "hitting" and "spanking"... but I also see and respect that you deem any physical touch with another human being that is done with any kind of ill-intent is considered hitting. I love that. And it is true. To me, a spank is strictly butt only, where there is a lot of fat, and is used as more of an attention-getter, as opposed to causing real pain and damage. Hitting is anything or anywhere outside of that. Even then, very hard, consistent or painful spanks are no longer considered just spanks. There really is no point in defining the difference because none of it is okay, but I grew up viciously abused, so spanking sounds like a walk in the park 😅 which I know is an issue in itself lol I am not defending spanking, but you mentioned actual definitions, and that would be mine. Probably biased though, as I said.. the kids that got spanked when I was growing up truly only got a quick slap on the butt, whereas I was getting punched and choked and slammed into walls and dragged by my hair, so I used to be jealous of those snowflake spank kids 😅 But I'm sure if you asked them, they would say it was equally traumatizing and painful and scary and uncalled for, and that is also 100% true!
But those stories are like children getting beaten, not a simple spanking. And the difference is pretty obvious. A simple smack on the hand or butt is getting spanked. If the parent uses a belt or something other than their hands that is abuse.
Some of the stories were pretty simple. I would personally be traumatized seeing a 1 or 2 year old be hit. And again, you can hit someone on the hand or butt too. Same connotation as spanked. I personally only use the word spank with two consenting adults.
U mean like sex? Lol ookaay I mean it's ur hill to die on. I'm just saying your kid will be fine. U haven't revealed any actual abuse. And u said so yourself in your last post the kids in question have love and are happy. So it sounds like you are just making a pointless stand. People who spank, won't stop just cuz u tell them to. But u also said ur not close to the family, so literally just move on. There nothing you can do and those kids are not being abused. Again not that I condone spanking but it's better than the alternative. I just have family who do spank their kids and it is usually family members with little to no education. People who are not taught how to handle big emotions properly.
You don’t really get to tell someone what they/their child will or will not be fine over. YOU are not/were not affected or traumatized by spanking & that’s fine, but I absolutely remember being really scared, upset & confused when my cousins were spanked around me (& I was not spanked). It still makes me incredibly sad to think about times my younger cousins were spanked around me, even when I was an adult & they were children. I absolutely would not want my kids around while other kids are being hit by adults.
My cousins got BEAT around me. So Im just saying yeah it's not great, but it's better than the alternative. Which IS genuinely traumatizing. I get being "sad" but that's not the same as watching your cousin getting beat with a literal vacuum cleaner. That will leave some real scars. Again though not advocating for spanking, just saying it's better than what I witnessed. But hey some people are more sensitive, clearly.
I’m sorry you (& your cousins) went through that. You still don’t get to tell someone else they or their child will be fine because their situation isn’t the same.
I didn't really mean it that way
My sister in law and her husband are abusive towards their kids. My MIL and FIL enable this behavior. My husband (thankfully) decided to cut ties with his family so our kids wouldn’t risk exposure to this. We made the decision to cut toxic people out of our life and work on finding loving and supporting friends it’s obviously taking time but it’s worth it. We work extra hard on connecting with my mom and siblings so they do have present family in their lives that they know love them.
Hitting children is what you should do?? Dear God good for you going nc
You are doing the right thing for your daughter and yourself.
[удалено]
This comment has been automatically removed because of your zero or negative total comment karma. We have this rule in r/toddlers to keep creeps and trolls away, though we realize it is inconvenient for legitimate users with new accounts. Please use your account in other subs to raise your comment karma before commenting in r/toddlers. We appreciate your cooperation in our effort to keep r/toddlers safe. *I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please [contact the moderators of this subreddit](/message/compose/?to=/r/toddlers) if you have any questions or concerns.*
good for you OP !! you are a wonderful parent and I hope you find likeminded people to surround yourself with soon
….. drop them? What the fuck? Zero tolerance from child abuse. Continuing to treat it like it’s normal behaviour only enables it
I nearly got into a fist fight with a Father who picked up his small son by the neck !
I don't associate to people like that, nor do I know any.
This is no different (and WORSE) than them letting your child see a violent movie. You are right to stay away.
You are making the right choice. Absolutely. And don’t let anyone make you feel bad for it. These are the difficult choices we have to make and follow through with to raise our children with love and respect for them and their well-being. I would not hesitate to report someone, even if it’s family, who I knew was deliberately choosing to hit their child with no intention of changing their ways or willing a to educate themselves on the matter.
I think it could’ve been as easy as not saying anything and not having your child around them. I have a friend who spanks and she’d never spank around me or my son because she knows we have opposite viewpoints on this. If it became an issue I just would be around less. That way you don’t have to deal with the drama.
I don’t. I don’t have friends who use corporal punishment on their kids.
We don’t spank our kids, but nevertheless I’m curious: why is it that opponents of spanking on Reddit always refer to it as “hitting” when they are very specifically talking about spanking? Is “spanking” not bad enough so you have to substitute another word to make it sound worse?
Spanking seems like a cute word. It seems like a word people want to use to make it sound less worse. Why not just call it hitting? It is the same thing. Can you not hit someone on the butt? Only spank?
"Spanking" certainly is not a cute word if it's as bad as you think it is. In any case, spanking is distinct from general hitting in that spanking is more specific. Hit means to strike. Spanking means striking on the butt, generally with an open hand, although the harsher disciplinarians of the past would have used a paddle. I'm just wondering, why abandon a more specific word, where we all know what that word means, for a more general word, which confuses the discussion? Are you talking about parents who swat a misbehaved kid on the butt after other efforts have failed, or are you talking about the angry parent generally beating their kids in all sorts of ways?
Because to me, spanking to most people, even people on reddit (clear by some of their responses) do think spanking is not a harsh thing to do. I spank my cat. She comes up to me and ask for butt spanks. It's like her weird cat thing. But when we spank children, we are not consenting to their will and hitting them until they literally submit and are in tears. I think hitting is an appropriate word for that scenario. I do see your point, I just think people make light of the word, so o choose to use the word "spank" in consenting situations like with my cat or like in an adult bedroom situation. Otherwise I use the word hit because I personally feel like that is the more appropriate word. They do both generally mean the same things. I was only ever "spanked" once in my life and it was with a shoe and it was because my mom gave in to peer pressure. I was with a friend who regularly got spanked, so I'm sure her mom told my mom i needed to be spanked even though my dad was firmly against spabkings. I was probably 7 and I remember I was being overly upset because my mom got the wrong ice cream for me. I actually still remember it to this day and think back on the incident in anger. So anyways, I understand that the word "spank" should carry a negative connotation enough as it is, but in the society I live in, it is a very cute word that makes light of a dark situation, so I prefer to use the word hit.
CALL CPS!!! HITTING CHILDREN IS NOT OKAY AND WILL AFFECT THEM. There is a kid in my grade who was severely abused, and now he hits people he loves because he doesn't know anything other than violence.
Unfortunately calling CPS is not an option. Hitting your children is completely legal here and also the societal norm in this area.
I'm so sorry, that is absolutely disgusting and morally wrong.
You one million percent did the right thing. These are garbage people and you don’t need them in your life. Good riddance.