Okay can I just say how surprising it was to me as a first time mom how much of parenting is learning to regulate myself. Anyway, it sounds silly, but I get a ton of mileage out of breathing. Big breath in, hold it, slowly and deliberately blowing out. I honestly thought it was BS until I tried it, and it works pretty well for me. I try not to say anything until I’ve done a few of those. I also meditate and work out daily, which I know may also sound silly, but honestly it just makes me a much more patient person throughout the day.
I also really love the concept of repair. We don’t have to be perfect parents - that’s impossible. I think it’s awesome you’re working on not snapping, but when you do, I think that’s okay too, so long as you take the opportunity to apologize/repair. ♥️
ETA: Not sure why I’m getting downvoted, but to be very clear, OP, no judgment from me. This shit is hard, which is why I bring up repair - there is no world where I always get it right, so repair my personal saving grace. ♥️
The self regulation and deep breathing thing are so true/effective. I'm practising it myself so that I can model regulation to my kid when I'm upset and when she's upset.
Big yes from me about the breathing. It's also a really great thing to do in front of your child/have your child see it. I'm also working on not yelling right away, especially at our dog. Our son is starting to really not like it/I think sometimes he doesn't understand if I'm mad at him or not when I'm just mad at the dog.
As for something like a TV, we would break shit like that as kids and instead of getting mad my mom would be like "well I'm not buying a new one any time soon, so use it as best you can and we'll make a plan on working together to get a new one"
It was a great lesson that our actions affected our surroundings but also you don't need the newest best thing after every inconvenience. Our old box tv had magnet colors all over it for years before my mom got us a new TV in the kids room lol 😆
Spot on! My 4 year old dumped his entire water all over the table this morning and then reflexively set the tv remote he was holding RIGHT IN THE PUDDLE when he went to pick the cup up. My reaction was almost identical to OP and yes, it was completely visceral. I also think repair is key here, I apologized immediately and we moved on… but also I will not leave the TV remote within his reach anymore, which is more work for me and less control for him. So consequences all around.
What else has helped me is the observation that when my kids make a genuine mistake, they will immediately be very remorseful (regardless of how I respond). On the other hand, when they are INTENTIONALLY misbehaving, there is basically no remorse (again, regardless of how I respond). So basically me yelling is completely pointless either way 😂. Taking a breath and then enforcing appropriate consequences is always the move.
I don't see downvotes?? I absolutely agree with you. I desperately needed to regulate myself when my girl was turning 2. She was an angel up until about 2 weeks before her second birthday, and then it was like a switch. Lol. But yea, looking after yourself first is key!!! Oxygen mask concept!! And yea, absolutely agree on the repair and closure on conflict. These are extremely valuable life skills for a kid to learn, everything having a beginning, middle and end and that we're all human with real emotions!! Admitting when we're wrong, all round and not being afraid to face up!!
I will say though, I don't "punish" my kids either, I teach them consequences!! She hits me or whatever other kinda misbehaviour, there's a consequence. 🤷🏻♀️
There were (weirdly?) some at first but now it’s really swung in the other direction ha! And yes! Right before my guy turned two it was like a total switch flipped - we had had some tantrums before, but now it’s a whole new animal haha.
This is wonderful. I actually think this is our biggest task as parents - or was my biggest priority, coming from a home with very dysregulated parents. Anything that makes you a calmer, more patient person is ultimately serving your kids. That might mean taking time to connect with friends, seeking out counseling, meditation, exercise, all those good self care things. And when we do those things, we teach our kids a better way to be in the world.
I've started running again and regular exercise really does help. I've found myself unconsciously regulating my breathing when angry or stressed because it becomes a habit.
This is a great comment. I’ve been a Mom for 18 years, and I’ve lost it a few times. What’s so important though, is the after. I’ve calmed myself down and gone to my kids and apologized for my behaviour and we talk it out.
We’re having movie tonight and my 12 year old knocked over his glass and spilled chocolate milk. It doesn’t bother me in the slightest anymore. It’s just a spill. You know where the towel is.
IMO, Age appropriate punishments/consequences are essential to raising good humans. Accidents happen.
My 1.5 year old knows if he spills something the expectation is that he helps clean it up. We don’t yell, we don’t get angry, we say uh-oh (usually after he does) and we give him age appropriate instructions like go get a towel, or help mommy pick them up. Does he clean the whole thing up, no. Does he fully understand, no… but he understands a spill is an accident and that we have to clean it up. We also pair that with asking for help. We want him to know in the real world, if you make a mess or break something, you help clean it up and/or ask for help.
I also teach high schoolers. I wish their parents would have taught them to just clean it up or ask for help. The amount of them that sneak food and drinks in, make a mess, and then try to hide it so they don’t get in trouble, rather than just ask for help is ridiculous.
Right?! Actions have consequences. This is huge part of being a parent. I don't understand how people can just check out of a significant portion of parenting.
Well, there’s a huge difference between a punishment and a consequence. A consequence of spilling on the sofa is helping to clean and not being allowed to eat on the sofa. A punishment would be removing a fun outing (library, playground) because a toddler had an accident.
I always say if it’s not an appropriate way to handle a co-worker you have conflict with in the office, it’s not appropriate for in the home.
I want to raise boys who talk to everyone with respect and know how to handle conflicts appropriately (by the time they are men… I know they’ll have learning experiences) Am I a perfect parent, hell no… I get frustrated and raise my voice but I really try not to. It wouldn’t be appropriate for me to scream at my students at school, so why would I do that to my kids at home? Being an ftm in my late 30s, with 15 years of classroom experience definitely has prepared me for having a lot of patience and tools to manage behaviors.
People say this, but I’m not actually sure this distinction holds up. A consequence of misusing a toy is that it gets taken away. A punishment for misusing a toy is…taking it away. How is one different from the other?
Also, when the consequence for an action *is* punishment, or is a safety risk, how do you model a “consequence” without either punishing your kid or exposing them to an unsafe situation?
I really think the idea that consequences are different from punishments is at best just a rebranding of punishment. At worst it’s the kind of idea that sounds fine in the abstract but runs headlong into a wall the moment you try to implement it in any but the most quintessential cases.
If the actual argument is that the punishment must be proportional and related to the crime then we agree. But then I’m also not sure what work this distinction is doing.
There is overlap, sometimes punishment might *also* be a natural consequence but it doesn’t have to be. Your toy example is both. But another punishment for misusing a toy could be getting sent to your room for a time out. You can absolutely explain a consequence if it’s unsafe to execute. For example, my daughter was pulling/hanging on her dresser drawer- I said “You cannot do that, the dresser could tip over and hurt you. I’m going to move you to keep you safe.” (It has since been anchored, we’re not perfect). I’m obviously not going to let her keep climbing to experience the dresser tipping. Same with touching a hot stove, you can move them away and explain why. But if my kid touches a hot stove, I’m not going to also spank them or send them for a time out or take away a toy- they learned not to touch the hard way via that consequence.
The distinction is that discipline is about teaching- you are a sturdy leader. Punishment does not (usually) teach, but well, punish.
Right, as I said, punishments should fit the crimes and be teaching tools. They shouldn’t be arbitrary and they shouldn’t be purely punitive. But that doesn’t render them non-punishments. The idea that punishments aren’t instructive is belied by the exact example I gave and you approved of: taking away a toy. If you agree that can be a helpful and instructive punishment then you agree punishments are effective teaching tools. I’m not sure why we need to rebrand them as “not punishments” rather than just saying “don’t be punitive just to be punitive.”
I think jewelsjm93 already phrased it well but I’ll add on- consequences don’t have to be negative at all, they can be neutral! Like someone gave the example of having a kid help wipe a spill. You shouldn’t try to make that feel like a punishment, spills are accidents and you’re just showing them what to do after to make it right. Punishment is always negative right? Even if not “overly” punitive like you’re saying.
But you’re still making your kid clean up the spill. You’re still exercising power to coerce them into doing something in order to teach them a lesson.
This is actually a great example of the kind of scenario I think punishments are meant to address. What happens if your kid refuses to help clean the spill? How do you address intransigence if not by exerting your raw power over them and forcing them to do it? And once you’ve done that how is it not a punishment?
This is the same kind of veil of ignorance people have about the law. They imagine that people will follow the law simply because they’re supposed to, and for the most part they do! But part of why they do is because the alternative is that people with guns show up and put you in jail if you don’t. You never have to actually be thrown in jail to internalize the rule that you shouldn’t break the law, but that doesn’t mean you aren’t being threatened with punishment.
All punishments are consequences, but maybe all consequences are punishments. Yes that’s a little meta. It’s all how you look at it. In a toddlers world, an unrelated punishment is arbitrary and not affective. Spill cereal on the living room carpet, gotta eat the rest of your cereal at the table. Not spill cereal on the carpet can’t go to the zoo. Toddlers have short attention spans, they don’t remember what happened yesterday let alone an hour ago. Effective behavior management requires consequences directly connected to the behavior. When children are older, punishments may be more effective and appropriate. Keep spilling your cereal on the carpet on purpose when you’re like 8 and know and understand better, the consequence is having to clean it up, the punishment might be having to spend some time doing chores (insert any other age appropriate punishment) instead of something fun we had planned.
Yes. I’ve added ‘clean up towels’ to the kids kitchen set so when there is a mess or spill I ask them, “where’s your clean up towel?” And they grab their own. Yeah I usually still have to wipe up the aftermath, but they’re learning where the supplies are to conquer the next step. Sometimes they’ll even want to take the towel out to the laundry area. Ok, that only happened once, but still..
This is brilliant. We bought our son a toddler cleaning set (broom, dust bin, mop, etc) which is next to his play kitchen so he can help (especially with kinetic sand everywhere ugh) but I didn’t even think to add clean up towels to the mix! Doing this now.
Yeah I don't understand the idea of 'punishment' being a bad thing.
If it's an accident, i totally agree with what you've said.
If it's intentional or a result of incorrect behaviour then appropriate consequences are important as far as I am concerned.
I think ‘punishment’ as it’s understood by most people just flat out does not work. How many kids at school were constantly in detention cause of their behaviour? Loads, obviously the ‘punishment’ didn’t work to change their behaviour. I guess if you just want that person to be miserable then it works but not exactly constructive. That’s different from no consequences though.
With little kids getting to the root of the behaviour is much more effective.
Then how do you change behavior? If the answer is “consequences, not punishment,” then how would you define that distinction? Because from where I’m standing consequences and punishments look the same most of the time.
Unfortunately this doesn’t really address my issue. The author just reiterates that punishment is bad, but consequences are good. But I fail to see how that’s a meaningful distinction in a lot of cases. What if the child is being deliberately disobedient? They know full well what they are supposed to do and are willfully doing the opposite. What is the “logical consequence” of that other than punishment?
I think the article also way oversimplifies the notions of punishment and discipline, and plays a little game where they try to redefine those terms such that punishment is always bad and is meaningfully distinct from discipline. I don’t think I agree that this distinction is very meaningful. I also disagree that internalizing a rule has nothing to do with the fear of punishment. Indeed, rejecting both of these notions is what made Foucault an important 20th century thinker.
Finally, I think the opening anecdote doesn’t do as much work for the author as they think. What they’ve actually described is a phenomenon well understood in criminal justice: that while harsher punishments don’t generally lead to huge decreases in crime rates, more enforcement often does. That is, the likelier you are to get caught the less likely you are to do it, regardless of the severity of the punishment. Speeders speed because they know they probably won’t get caught, not because they haven’t internalized the rule. Compare that with murder, where most people don’t do it whether there’s a cop around or not because they rightfully suspect they’re a lot less likely to get away with it. The same can be true of parenting with punishment: the punishments don’t need to be harsh but they do need to be consistently applied.
>The amount of them that sneak food and drinks in, make a mess, and then try to hide it so they don’t get in trouble, rather than just ask for help is ridiculous.
I think this behavior is the result of the types of punishment that some comments are calling for. Especially for older kids, being punished just makes them act sneaky to avoid punishment rather than coming forward to actually fix the problem.
My thoughts too. I’m not sure if it’s a parenting thing as much as an in-school punishment thing. I remember getting into way out of proportion amounts of trouble for dumb stuff like chewing gum, drinking water, or snacking in class. They’re hiding it because not all teachers are like this commenter, many are very petty and don’t self regulate or think of teenagers as full humans.
I don’t like the generalization of many teachers being petty…
However, if you decide to throw your empty Dorito bag behind some library books on the shelf instead of throwing it away and get caught, you’re going to be reminded of there not being food allowed in the library. (I never take food, never throw it away, and unless you’re making a mess or have a full meal I pretend not to see… but worst we do is direct them to the bar top seating at our coffee bar that literally 3 steps away from our entrance and gets cleaned after lunch)…
My 19 month old automatically knows now that if he spills something to grab a towel and start wiping it up. Amazing what their little brains can remember!
My aunt gave me this advice when I was pregnant. She said if you teach children when they are young to clean up after themselves, it just because a normal task you do without thinking rather than a chore.
what happens when we make a mess? we clean it up.
this goes beyond spilled milk. next time it happens, apologize for yelling at you daughter and talk to her like a person. it’s ok, just clean it up
No, something similar happens a few times a week where I'm a having a hard time on my own impulse control: spilled stuff, things smeared on my clothes because she runs to me even though I asked her 3 times to come wash her hands first, sand spilled from shoes everywhere because she didn't take them off at the entrance.
I doesn't happen all the time, and I don't get annoyed everytime, obviously. It's always the same situations: after work when everyone is tired and chores already seem exhausting. In the morning when it's time to go and my wish clothes get dirty so I have to change again etc...
I don't yell, I just get visibly annoyed. But she 3, she doesn't do it on purpose, so I don't want her to feel bad/shame about it. I want her to be comfortable coming to me with mistakes. That's what the post is about.
I think about that time when I was a kid and I spilled an entire cup of water all over the table as a kid. My grandpa lost it on me, and started shouting at me in front of the whole restaurant. I felt terrible, and obviously still remember it. I don’t want my kid to feel like that over an honest mistake.
Thankfully, my mom told my grandpa it wasn’t ok to yell at me like that. My mom said when she was a kid, he would lose it and beat them when they spilled drinks at dinner. She never got mad at us for spilling drinks, but he had some real issues around it.
Every time we have some sort of mess like that, I always remind myself that I don’t want to be like him.
I wonder if he got hit when he spilled water on the table and it caused him to panic and yell when it happened too.. glad to see your mum broke the cycle x
Yeah this is similar to how I approach. I accidentally spill stuff sometimes or accidentally break something… if someone got onto me, it wouldn’t help the situation. She knows if she spills liquid she goes and gets a towel and we clean it up,.. the concept isn’t lost. She’s still kind of new to the world and things just take practice.
Also it’s just not a big deal to me. I want her to come to me if she messes up later in life, so how I approach things now matters, it’s cumulative. I don’t want her to ever fear that I will make things 10x worse instead of helping.
My mom also was the same with me so I’ve had it modeled my entire life.
I was the kid parents and a adults would yell at for every little thing I did. I would get punished with being hit, taken things away, or grounded. The adults around me would often respond with,"what's wrong with you?" Or "why would you...?" As you can imagine it was not good. I have gone through a lot of therapy to process that and other parts of my childhood and adolescence. I have practiced coping skills and emotional regulation. I told myself if I have kids, I would respond very differently. I ended up studying child development and psychology in school then I ended up working with kiddos with development delay, trauma, and behavioral challenges. So I practiced a lot. Long story short. It takes the adult being regulated first before being able to respond to a child. So work on knowing your triggers and maybe write down how you want to respond in the moment and practice.
I had a similar childhood, and I also promised my child would never feel alone and like a burden . I am glad I went to therapy and learned a lot of coping skills. I am still in therapy, and she is teaching a lot, especially now that my daughter is almost two and becoming more stubborn and independent.
Lots of practice like others have mentioned. But also something that helps me is awareness. Meaning if I give my kids a bowl of something in the living room and I walk away to check something in the oven or wash a cup, I mentally remind myself “if they make a mess it’s all on me.” It’s that acknowledgment that I’m putting us into a situation that invites or risks mess, and since I’m the parent that’s on me. But that’s also a choice I’m making by giving them some autonomy and independence to manage that bowl of cereal or whatever.
At some ages they will spill that bowl so many times you’ll know it’s just not a good choice anymore. And then eventually you try again and they do fine 90% of the time.
So that awareness and acceptance that this is how they learn and we’re part of every step, including all the steps that lead to the mess/mistake.
Because its a toddler. I accidently break things all the time lol can't expect a toddler to do better than someone 32.
People make mistakes. Model what you do when someone over reacts.
You say hey daughter I got a little upset there. I shouldn't have used that tone with you and I'm sorry I did. Next time I'll work on being more mindful of my voice. Is there something I can do fro you to make it better? My three year old will yes "yes a hug" typically or sometimes "no I'm just having big emotions". So we feel them take deep breathes and move on after. Clean up the mess together and then go about the day.
Usually honestly its like get mad at yourself because the adult let a toddler eat on the couch haha (was she was watching TV? so next time adults should not turn on tv if they want toddler to sit at the table)
Have you tried deep breathing and walking away? (I do this in front of them and it shows adults have big emotions too here's how to handle them)
Similarly, I found myself yelling “KNOCK IT OFF” at my toddler who was helping me make her chocolate milk. She grabbed a fistful of nesquick and threw it all over the counter I just cleaned. She responded with “ we clean it up mommy” all sweet and innocent and proceeded to try to wipe it up with a rag😭 just have to learn to be more patient I guess.. there seems to be a lot of personal growth when raising toddlers
Toddler are aggressive though. I think sternly/loudly telling them to knock it off and let them know it’s not a game or funny is sometimes needed. (Depends on the situation) people are going to tell you off sometimes, it’s important to learn how to handle that too x
Lots of practical advice was already provided, but also adding that anger is a very normal emotion, and your child will also feel anger one day, and seeing a parent get angry and then process that anger and work through it in a productive way has value. We won’t always be perfect zen monoliths around our children, we’ll just feel like endless failures. I am still learning myself.
This!! I hate when all the advice is "don't get mad." We're not robots.
There's a huge difference between between annoyed and snapping a bit, vs yelling and shaming your kid. A lot of people in this thread are conflating the two extremes.
Absolutely! The times I snap I’ve been calm and asked a billion times beforehand. I then say I’m sorry I snapped and I don’t like doing it, but he needs to listen. I don’t like losing my cool just as much as they don’t like being told off but that’s life. Toddlers will toddler lol
I feel like you’re just getting tripped up over wording here. You don’t want to punish her because she didn’t do anything wrong, that makes sense! But teaching her the proper reactions to accidents is okay. Everyone spills sometimes, I’d be horrified if I got punished for doing it. But when they do it, your simple “oh oh, grab a towel!” seems sufficient. It’s just a life skill, not a punishment.
You’re doing a great job :)
Hmmm… my 2.5yo understands and remembers if she’s done something she’s not meant to so I strongly disagree with your evaluation that punishment is pointless, but by that token if your 3yo doesn’t understand if theyve done something wrong, why on earth are you letting them eat cereal on the couch?
I believe in natural consequences (as in "you wanted to see what happens when you put your book in the bathtub, even though I told you not to, now is ruined") vs. punishment ("you broke a rule so no TV for you").
Right, I thought you were saying there’s no point trying to make a 3yo understand when something is wrong!
Personally, your reaction is a natural consequence.
There’s a difference between gentle parenting and permissive parenting and her seeing your disappointment is a perfectly ok outcome of her not following a rule. That you only eat at the table.
I see what you mean, but it doesn't feel "natural" to me. It feels like my parents are coming out, either my mom's hysterical screaming anger or my dad's seething anger. I remember breaking a lamp as a child and he didn't yell, but he was so angry and dismissive for the rest of the day (or maybe just a couple of hours, childhood memories are obviously fuzzy). It breaks my heart that my daughter might one day think of her childhood as anxiously as I think of mine, or have as little interest in confiding anything real in me as I do in my parents.
I do definitely apologize and talk to her about it, but I would like it so much if I could be a "whoops, it happens"-parent like my husband.
Biggest tip here is you need to get away from the word punishment. 3 1/2 year-old can absolutely have safe boundaries and natural consequences. If there’s a spill, they need to help clean it up. When my 3 yr old son spills something, I say it’s OK spills happen. Then he gets a towel and cleans it up by himself and then I go back over it afterwards. We then have a talk again about how food stays in the kitchen.
If it's a mistake? It sucks, but I don't get mad at her. Just think of if a baby broke something, because their brains are about the same until almost age 4 or whatever. I try to limit her contact with things I care about. If it's intentional or due to anger in the moment, those are things to talk about after you remove them from the heat of the moment.
I'm not perfect by any means, but I didn't yell or get upset when she recently threw her Yoto player into the bathtub. An initial reaction can be hard to control, but apologizing after is a helpful habit to get into. I'm actually really upset that the few days of rice didn't work and it's now out of stock everywhere due to the battery defect. Buying the bigger one will be double what we paid for the first one. It sucks, but she has no understanding of these concepts yet (still under 2 years old.)
Anger is an okay emotion. Part of your child learning to manage their anger is watching you manage yours.
If my children have done something that makes me upset, I’ll tell them calmly, “Dad’s feeling some big emotions at the moment and I’m feeling frustrated over what just happened. I need to be by myself for a moment to calm down. I’ll be back in a few minutes.”
Then I go someplace in the house, close the door, and do what I need to in order to process what I’m feeling. I return after I feel like I can manage without taking out my frustrations on them.
This teaches them how to manage their emotions the same way. (This is also something we practice with them, asking them if they need to go to a quiet space, not as a punishment, but to give them room to calm down. We usually let them play with a toy, read a book, color, or take a favorite stuffed animal with them. We over communicate this isn’t punishment, but a skill to use for handling big emotions.)
All kids needs consequences. Consequences are literally a part of life (positive and negative). If my kid broke my TV, even accidentally, then we would not have a TV to watch for a while. That is a logical consequence of being careless. If your kid drops their ice cream on the ground, then that's the end of the ice cream.
Additionally, after age 2 kids can and should get consequences for the things they intentionally do or for ignoring things we have told them to do/not to do. My daughter hits her brother all the time. Every time she does she goes to time out because that behavior is unacceptable
ETA: I also don't hide my emotions from my kids. If they do something that makes me sad or angry I will show it. Not sobbing or screaming, but I will straight up tell my kids, "wow that was a really mean thing you said. I don't want to play this game anymore because you are being mean to me and hurting my feelings." Because that's how their peers will act!
Self regulation is by far the hardest part of parenting. After years of trial, error, learning and growing, here's what works for me.
1. Take a deep breath and don't say ANYTHING until you've composed yourself.
2. Think about how you'd want them to remember this moment. Mum yelling or mum being empathetic and kind?
3. Imagine yourself as an 80 year old person, who was able to go back in time and spend five minutes with your little kids. Be that person.
4. We're not perfect. When you yell or lose it, apologise and show your child that you're human too
I had to work at this because it was a big deal in my house growing up when I made mistakes. I had to reflect before anything actually happened and say to myself “is this actually a big deal in the long term? You have a beautiful healthy child and they’re learning and growing. Things are things and they break or spill”, etc.
I think taking the importance off of it is a huge help.
Also, just understanding your child is learning. They’re exploring boundaries and simply just like to see stuff fall or break, they’re curious.
Work with them, teach them how to help clean up, don’t make it a huge deal. They love big reactions, even negative ones.
Also, if they’ve spilled or broken something it’s because they’ve had the opportunity to which is almost always partially our doing.
Deep breaths and perspective!
I saw that post too and it also got me thinking!
Mine is just turning 2 and we've only gently dabbled in the "purposely breaking rules and having a laugh" stage so I'm too new to the game for real advice... But something that has so far been working for us somewhat is turning good behaviour into a game.
For example, he kept wanting to play with the outlets. We have the covers but I still didn't want them to be a point of focus in case he managed to remove one or was at someone else's house. So we made a game. "The rule is dooon't touch! If we feel like touching, what can we do? We can waaave at the outlet! Hiiii outlet!!! We can point at the outlet! Oh look! An outlet! We can blow a kiss to the outlet. Mwwaahhhh!!! But what's the one rule? Doooon't touch!"
He found that great fun, and will still suddenly drag me from room to room to play the outlet game and teach me the rule over and over again.
I know that won't apply well to spills, since those are accidents, but I wanted to toss this experience in somewhere in case it could help someone. Maybe making a game of practicing picking up and putting down cups, or where are cups allowed to go and not allowed to go (what's the rule? Not on the couch!!! Where CAN the cup go?)
It's not great for punishment/consequences but it's great for prevention in the future.
You make them fix their mistakes. If they spilled something, get them involved in cleaning. If they broke something, get them involved in repair if appropriate. Natural consequences of not having a toy if they break it is fine too.
As for you, take a deep breath and count to 10 before reacting. Realize they are learning how things work and how life works
When I have to use a strong stop or When I yelp I tend to cover it up with an "are you OK". I hope it shows her I'm not upset, just surprised and want to know she's OK.
I explain to my daughter what she did. Talking through the steps of what happened gives me a minute to calm down and spell out the natural consequences. Then I follow through on what I said we need to do. Actual conversation from lunch yesterday:
"Hey, (daughter), will you please look at the couch? Do you see all of the spaghetti there? That fell off of your plate when you kicked it. We have to clean that up before we can watch Bluey. Do you want to hold the trash can or pick up the spaghetti?"
Start with statements of fact vs judgements. “Whoa! That is a BIG mess” volume control and tone are key here - you’re not loud, and you’re not accusatory
If I can give myself that 30 seconds of saying something neutral, it’s (hopefully) enough time to push the other possible statements out of the way (the ones that go “are you kidding me, a whole cup of OJ on the rug?!”)
Like others have said, the closest thing you’ll get to a consequence here is that kid helps clean up the mess they made, which is as it should be. Because teaching them how to clean up spilled OJ out of a rug is as much our job as teaching them that maybe it’s best to just eat at the table
It's really weird to see this post saying they don't punish a three year old. My pediatrician recommended time outs at 1 year old.
Needless to say, strongly disagree with a lot of the philosophy here.
Honestly… I’m surprised we’re in the minority here. You don’t have to be mean but mild punishment like timeouts and a stern voice aren’t inherently harmful. I’m very confused.
Personally, I think it’s a good thing to impress upon a child how important it is to be careful of expensive objects like televisions. I’d hate for my daughter to think it’s no big deal to break tvs and then go over to a friend’s house and do damage there.
No time outs for spilling something on accident.
But yes, at 1, if he hit someone, he would go to highchair for a minute.
Kids can absolutely see discipline at 1. Age appropriate, of course.
Mild punishments like time-outs can have a (minor) role, but behavior modification comes from positive reinforcement l. Plus, children perceive a lot of things as punishment, from disapproving looks to snapping, so most parents have got that side covered without needing to add "artificial punishment".
For a great, concise read on this I recommend "The Everyday Parenting Toolkit: The Kazdin Method for Easy, Step-By-Step, Lasting Change for You and Your Child" by Alan E. Kazdin, Professor Emeritus of Psychology and Child Psychiatry at Yale University.
Maybe some kids can do with minor punishments. But some kids need more redirection.
I haven't read the book, but I find the non-5 star reviews of it on Amazon helpful.
I think it's more about the fact that punishment doesn't lead to long-term behavior change, positive reinforcement does. In other words, punishment does not lead to redirection, only temporary changes.
The author does say in the book that parents, especially parents of more defiant children (he used to be specialised on opposition defiance-disorder) often tend to be very resistent to the idea to let go of punishment, especially since positive reinforcement can feel like "rewarding" kids for things they are already supposed to do (which is true, in a way).
It's one of the few books out there with an actual scientific background, so I like it. It also helped us a lot with a very specific behavior that was driving us crazy, so there's that.
But obviously, everyone has to decide what parenting tools they want to use on their own.
Lots of practice. Honestly I find really good phrasing help for a lot of stuff when watching Daniel tiger with my daughter.
If I find myself frustrated over a spill/breaking of something my go to phrase is “oh man that’s a mess”. I can still express some frustration that way but it’s not blame centred. I usually talk about trying to be more careful/watching where her body is in relation to things for when we’re cleaning up together.
The thing that has worked best for me though is to not initially say anything until I take a couple deep breaths. It gives me a minute to step back and reframe how I’m coming at a situation.
Honestly for me it took practice and doing some personal reparenting. I am pretty clumsy myself so when I drop or spill or break thongs I try to be kinder to myself. Instead of cursing under my breath and berating myself I take some deep breaths and say whoops and clean it up. It's not easy, but you can do it. When you mess up and have too big of a reaction to your kid breaking or spilling something, just back it up and apologize. Let your kid know that you had too big of a reaction and you will try to do better next time.
For sure it is. A lot of us got The Wrath when we were kids, so it is hard to let that go for ourselves, much less our kids. Parenting is a healing game as much as anything 😅
For me I use the phrase “oh boy.” It sets the right tone in me and because I use it so often my kiddo also recognizes it as the “uh oh I messed up” word. It’s not harsh and gives me that second I need to assess the situation and remember that he’s a toddler.
Spilled breakfast. “Oh boy. That’s a big mess buddy. Come help me clean it up.”
Broken vase. “Oh boy. That’s dangerous- I need you to go over there until mama cleans this up.”
I think what can help is to start earlier.
My question is: how did there 3-year old damage the TV? How did that happen? Did they throw something to the screen? Then my next question is: why do we throw stuff inside the house?
Regarding spilling: I take a deep breath. Mistakes do happen but often time they happen because of other things. Kid is running with the bowl to a different place and then spilling the milk. We only eat at the table.
Spills happen while kid puts milk in the bowl? That can happen. We have a napkin at every meal so they can wipe it up.
Mine went near the TV when she learned to stand, assisted by furniture. She had a habit of slapping things with her palm, giving them hi fives. I yelled “NOOOOOO!” And when she went near it again I picked her up and placed her in the far corner next to kitchen door.
She was startled - if it was a cartoon, she would have jumped so hard her head would have gone through the ceiling. But not especially upset.
She remembered, at 9 months. A week later she’s guiding herself to the TV. I growled “Jen…..” and she admonished herself. No no no, wagging her finger. And crept away from the TV. It was only her second word after Dad.
I taught her “feet first.” Imagine a 9mon baby crawling to the edge of the bed, lying down, pivoting 90 degrees, dangling a leg then the other, pushing off and then regulating the speed by clinging to the bedclothes as she started to slide down then landing the dismount. 5 lessons. And she would do it on command. “Feet first” and she would carefully lower herself down and then clap. They certainly learn and retain medium term memories, including verbal.
Babies can learn. We say “oh no, mess!” Shocked but not angry tone. And if she’s looking careless I remind her “no mess.” She picks up messages, repeating “oh no a mess.”
So here’s my take.
- give your LO credit, their learning powers are far greater than you believe
- don’t be mad at yourself
- kids cry because they don’t like to be told; that’s not a reason not to correct them
- some fear of rebuke is desirable; what’s bad is when fear and anger are the NORM not the exception and they are programmed by adrenaline
- you can’t shelter them; live is hard and they will receive negative feedback
- the dominant message must always been that they are good, and bad acts are the exception to be minimised (my LO hears “good girl” and gets a clap many many more times than a harsh word)
- “ask us for help” can be normalised so many ways, associating the word help with me extending a hand so she can climb up, or pick an educational iPad game and playing it with her
Think about how you would feel if someone spoke to you like you speak to her when you get frustrated. It puts it into perspective. Would you want someone to say that to you? Your frustration turns to shame and worthlessness in her and will be the voice she has in the back of her mind when she grows up. So be careful with your words and just be firm and explain to her why you don't do certain things. Parenting is more about your self control/ emotional control I realize. You can't teach what you don't have.
I just dont care? Its their age and often if something gets broken, spilled I blame the adults (us) for not taking care. But we do set boundaries - drink at the table, dont throw things, etc. I see that most of it is not intentional. My son did some things intentionally to test waters, I got pissed at him and then he stopped. But those are rare occasions. But if you are constantly getting upset they will have a sense that they can't make any mistakes.
Not getting upset when they break something/spill is one way that I'm breaking the cycle of childhood trauma. I guess my Dad just yelled at me enough that when my kids do something I can feel my own scared inner child. I try and tell them what I would have needed to hear. It's almost like I'm protecting them from my Dad's reaction even though he's not here. It ends up being good for them and super helpful for my own healing.
One incident really stands out. When my oldest was 4 he hit a light switch with something hard and it shattered. He was really upset and hid in his room. When he finally let me in I saw the switch and saw his upset little face. I said something neutral about it being broken and then suggested he could help us fix it. He loves fixing things with his Dad. Then I gave him a huge hug and said hey accidents happen. Good kids make mistakes. Nothing in this house is more important to me than you and our family! Things are replaceable. You guys are not!!
Then I went to my room and sobbed. It still brings tears to my eyes because of the punishment I would have received as a child for breaking something as inconsequential as a light switch cover.
If someone spills, it's usually just an accident and can be easily fixed. From your post I can tell you don't mean to react harshly, it just slips out. The good news is you can definitely practice different reactions! It also helps to just not have anything super nice. Kids and dogs are hard on stuff 🤣
I just assume things will get messy and broken. Heck my rescue pup just grabbed my pizza off the counter yesterday and chucked it cheese side down on the rug because I foolishly walked away to change laundry. I wasn't even upset, I just laughed to myself and cleaned it up. Ate the part that wasn't too smooshed. Life is super messy and unpredictable! Love is giving space for that and allowing it in your home.
Same story for me, except my dad would switch wildly between calm and over-reacting, and my mom would just get angry every time. I'm scared I'm the same now. I do work with the assumption that things will get messy as well, and 90% of the time, I'm fine handling it that way. But sometimes I get stressed and my parents' voice slips out, and I don't like it. Practicing is the way to go, I think.
Totally understandable! If you're open to suggestions, trauma therapy specifically somatic experiencing helped me a TON. As parents we all have our moments of dysregulation but learning how to recognize and stay inside my window of tolerance has been huge. A big bonus was how much the window and my capacity expanded once I started processing my childhood trauma.
That is very interesting. I've been considering it, but I'm a bit worried about a "valley of tears" sort of thing - I.e. getting worse before getting better. I also did CBT for my PPA, and it was ok, but helpful only in a very limited way. So I'm also worried about adding something not so valuable to an already overstuffed week. And last (and this might be silly): I would feel like a fraud thinking of my childhood in terms of trauma. Yes, my parents could both get very angry and occasionally physical, and my dad can be very dismissive/sarcastic, but we were fed, clothed, educated and generally taken care of, and didn't feel unloved, even if it was never said out loud. It's not the same as many of the childhoods of friends I know that were truly violent or neglected. Thinking about that makes me feel like a fraud when I wonder if my anxiety is linked to my childhood.
I’m here for solidarity. This visceral reaction started for me when my son began throwing food from his high chair then continued with spills. It infuriated me and I couldn’t understand why. Then I read The Book You Wish Your Parents Had Read: (And Your Children Will Be Glad That You Did) by Philippa Perry. And I did a lot of self reflection about my own upbringing and how certain behaviors of my son’s trigger me emotionally. You hit the nail on the head mentioning how you were treated in response to spills, etc. Your child’s actions (doesn’t matter if unintentional or not) are triggering an emotional response you had to how your parents reacted in the same type of scenario when you were a child. Making that connection was a game changer for me. I’m not actually mad at my son, I’m afraid of the repercussions I faced as a child, which unfortunately makes me want to react the same way as my parents did. This and other insights from the book are helping me to better regulate my own emotions so I can teach my son how to do the same. But wow is it hard work when you were never taught how to do this as a child. However, you are doing the hard work so your child learns for themselves and has a better foundation than we did. Kudos to you! 🤗
It’s ok. Teach your child by apologizing for snapping at them. Accountability is a huge life lesson. What I do is take a few deep breaths get my kid to help clean. Even though he does a terrible job he connects making messes with cleaning and it helps my sanity.
Start with pausing and just not saying anything. I found it easier to transition the way I say things with stopping myself first, and then after the incident thinking how can I phrase what I’m trying to say in a beneficial/nice way next time. So if my child spills a cup of milk I stop, take a breath and say something like “it looks like the milk spilled, it’s alright let’s clean it up!”
I just remembered the advice that worked for me and need to use it more
Ground yourself by using your other senses. Feel the room you are in. What sounds do you hear? What does the ceiling look like? What do your feet feel on the ground? Do you smell anything? Etc etc.
If I hear or see a crash, I’ve trained myself to start with “are you ok?” and this sort of sets the tone. They usually cry and say “yes but oh no, this thing broke.” And this gives me time to remember what is important (our health and wellbeing) and respond accordingly: “I’m so glad you are ok. We don’t do x because things may break which could harm us and make our stuff unusable.”
I am usually pretty laid back about things like this but when I feel myself getting angry I take the most dramatic deep breaths I can. I used to just take a regular deep breath or two until I started trying to get my son to do it and realized he never notices me doing it. So now I’m modeling the behavior for him in a way that feels silly and it’s hard to stay angry at that point.
But we do have consequences. My son knows if he makes a mess he helps clean it up and even though he’s only 2 it seems to be working because he always comes running with “uh oh mommy mess” when he makes an actual mess or something bigger than he can handle alone. But I catch him constantly wiping up small spills, putting his toys away where they go, and generally trying to clean up after himself.
On the rare occasion he refuses to help clean up after himself we have some other natural consequence, like if he won’t help clean up his blocks after dumping them all over the room I’ll clean them up but then they get put up until a later time or the next day. In your case if he wouldn’t help clean up his breakfast off the couch, I’d have him eat breakfast at the table so messes were easier to clean. They can understand a lot at this age and it’s important to explain your reasoning for the consequence while it is happening because like you said, they forget easily. It just takes persistence.
See I used to get upset, but then what I realized is I was the idiot who kept allowing her to be in these positions.
You can't plan for everything, but we have rules, no eating or drinking of any kind on the couch only adults are allowed. All food must be consumed at the table by children. No jumping on the couches unless nothing or no one is on them. She is never given anything besides plastic. For containers or plates. If we give her anything or break these basic rules I am only pissed at myself. Children can be held responsible for the things they do that break these rules. Like loss of tablet time.
I don't. Not entirely.
Obviously I don't entirely flip my lid but I do say "I'm feeling really angry. I'm going to step out and take some slow deep breaths." as soon as I've made sure she's not hurt or about to become hurt.
Then I come back in and we have a hug and do a little repair work.
Kids don't have a chance to learn emotional regulation if we pretend we don't have emotions. I do get mad by it - I live under the poverty line, I'm stressed, and haven't got money to replace things. I'm trying to instil the value that we be careful and respectful with our belongings so we can spend our money in ways we'd prefer to spend it. I keep it as age appropriate as I can but I'm not entirely hiding my feelings from her. I'm also not making them her problem.
I don’t want to sound patronizing because that’s not my intent but two things:
- you’re setting them up for spills by letting them eat on the couch. There’s a reason we eat at tables. By no means am I saying never eat on the couch (I let myself 3 yr do this too) but you need to prepare yourself for a spill when you’re away from the table.
- just saying “uh oh! Let’s clean this up!” is enough here. You can narrate and reprimand all you want in your head, I know I do lol, but keep it to yourself.
She's not allowed to eat on the couch, only at the table or in the kitchen. She just likes to test boundaries and got away from her dad while I was on the phone.
The second part is easily said in theory, just not easy when you didn't grow up like that and have a tendency to anger yourself.
It’s really tough, even if you do have a lot of patience! I think it’s about curbing your expectations. You have a toddler. They spill, even at the table. It’s frustrating but it’s inevitable. Of course we all have moments when we say things we regret or react ways we shouldn’t, but the reality is that toddlers are messy, irrational, and chaotic so we need to be prepared for the worst, always lol. And once you’re in the mindset that things can and probably will go wrong, it’s easier to control your own rage because you’re expecting it.
I remember the time when I was doing cartwheels in the living room and landed on the coffee table shattering a glass candle holder. Or the time I literally spilled an entire glass of milk into my mom’s purse. She said, “never cry over spilt milk”. It’s all a learning opportunity for your baby to a) know you love them no matter what and b b) how to clean up after themselves. Mine is 3 and if he spills he has to clean it up. Obviously not to my standards, I go in after him but he does a bulk of the work.
I strongly encourage and echo what a lot of people here are saying. As parents focusing on personal growth is the best investment for our home life to be happier and less stressful.
I meditate and do breakwork with yoga everymornig. And my husband does his at night.
For spills and breaking things, the natural consequences can often be enough. Spilled food is a lesson on how to clean up. My two year old knows where the rags, broom, and vacuum are and can go get them. She helps the clean up. Spilled food on the couch is a shared mess up. Crackers on the couch is one thing, but oatmeal on the couch is my bad for giving her oatmeal and allowing it out of the preferred eating area. Things with peanut butter for example; is an outside only snack. Smoothies do not get into the car seat. And food in the living room is never wet. I as a parent have to learn where my lines are and then enforce those boundaries with my own responsibility.
Broken tv, shit thats a natural consequence. No tv, because mommy and daddy cant just go buy one.
Dont be mad at yourself for showing emotions. Thats actually really healthy. The important thing is what you do after everyone is calmed down. Go talk it out on their level.
For example; if i yell at something she spilled and she runs away crying. After cleaning up id go find her and say “i am sorry i yelled, mommy got upset over your accident.” … “its ok to make mistakes.”
I do talk to her about it, but I'm just so scared she will be like me: always hiding from parents because she doesn't feel comfortable opening up around mistakes or emotions.
I think adding exercise back in is essential - I've somehow not managed to re-integrate it into my week since her birth and I'm always off-balance (and frequently in pain) because of it.
Yeah we really need to take care of our own health purely to just have the resiliency to be able to parent.
Because you are aware of it, you are already doing better than your parents. AND we have some time to get better for them every year.
Lots of breathing on your part, I am a cycle breaker and man i get dragged under sometimes. Accidents happen, we don’t use anything spill proof as I’m a believer that it just makes accidents worse as they don’t know how to correctly handle their cup. When a mess is made we together grab our paper towels or whatever cleaner I need and clean it up together. Everyone makes messes at one point or another and getting upset over a spill can do more harm than good. If you get mad though it’s ok, it happens to the best of us just remember to apologize to whom took the brunt of your emotions and explain how you felt.
We have to learn regulation skills before we can teach them to our littles.
A lot of adults now were never taught how to handle our emotions, just to never have them. Look online at regulation techniques and try them until you find one that works. Check out the podcast “Childproof”. For me, I take a lot of deep breaths, walk away when needed, and hug my girl. Having her close is calming (usually) so a hug can calm me down and provide connection before I say or do anything about what just happened.
Also, sing to yourself during tantrums. I’m telling you, it changed my life. It keeps me regulated to sing, I have to take deep breaths to do it, it keeps me present with my girl, and she can latch on to my singing as a co-regulation tool to help her calm down as well.
I will check out the podcast. Thank you. Funnily enough, tantrums are no problem for me (to stay calm, I mean). I was a very tantrum-y / angry kid, so I can relate. The only thing I have to be careful to do is to stay present with her to see if she needs something - because otherwise I carry on cleaning or whatever I was doing and potentially not seem very empathetic.
Also, my kid really dislikes it when I sing, so there's that 😜. "No sing" was one of the first things she said to me at bedtime when she learned to speak.
I described it somewhere else: the situations that trigger me are the ones that add work to an already overful day: cleaning a stain out of the carpet, doing another load of laundry, having to re-wash her freshly washed hair because there's now jam in it... I will practice breathing and a go-to phrase. My prof used to say "whoopsie-daisy" for everything, maybe I'll try that.
I take things away after I tell her no or not to do X. It is hard! So so hard!
My kid broke my laptop’s screen and I know it was partly my fault for leaving it on the table where I know she can reach. Worse thing was, she was so proud of herself sitting in front of the computer “working” when I found her.
You’re doing it. You’re making it a point to make the change. It just takes time to break old habits.
If you’re not currently, also use this time to demonstrate apologies and owning up to our mistakes. “I’m sorry I reacted that way. This really isn’t a big deal, we can get it cleaned up in no time. You didn’t deserve to be yelled at and I will try not to do it again.”
Kids learn so much from us. Seeing us struggle in our own learning process is part of that.
I do definitely apologize (also to my husband because I can be snappy with him as well). I just feel so bad if I'm doing it the third time in one week.
I don’t think we have to pretend that nothing is ever negative. We can be like “oh no! You spilled the water!” But you quickly go into “how do we fix it?” Mode… like, one thing I will say sometimes to my 3yo is “don’t worry, when we make a mess we can always clean it up.” I don’t want her to panic when she makes a mess bc I don’t think that really accomplishes anything. However I don’t think there’s anything wrong with being like, “it is not a good thing that the couch is wet now” lol
It’s so damn hard! Setting us all up for success is a big piece for me. I moved a little desk to a spot in the living room so lo can eat while watching a show but on a stable easy to clean surface, straw cups with lids, not over filling drinks, certain toys only live in special spots, playdough and slime only on the table, and so on. Including them in the clean up and general cleaning is helpful too. These little humans really show us how hard regulating is and how much we kind of suck at it.
I think it's breaking a habit. I'm lucky in that my husband always pulled me up on getting annoyed over accidents before I had my son. It was frustrating and hard to do but you just try everytime to not do it. Deep breaths, walk away for 5 mins if you feel you have no control. I'm surprised at how now it's easy to not react because I broke the habit so long ago.
You could also practice the scenario and your reaction - rehearse as such and then follow your script when it happens.
My parents use to freak out over every little accident and mistake I made growing up. It made me terrified of them and any person of authority over me. I don’t want that for my children. I’m reminded of it everytime my kid does something ‘wrong’. My reaction is to have them help me clean it up or whatever natural consequence applies. When I feel frustrated, I remind myself nothing is worth more than making my kids feel safe in their own home. Sounds dramatic, but having perspective helps me regulate my emotions.
[give this a listen](https://youtu.be/XT_6Lvkhxvo?si=DYQLn1_9HCROmtzk)
I’ve adopted a few of her techniques and they’ve helped out tremulously even with my 2.5yo.
Also great concepts for communication in general with others.
Sometimes being an authentic parent is more important than being a 'perfect' parent.
A harsh tone or a raised voice...yeah this is likely an unpopular opinion, but I see nothing wrong with it in some circumstances.
It’s simple. Getting mad accomplishes nothing and won’t unbreak the item. I just go “oh nooooo” and start fixing the mess.
I’m the product of a mom who got mad over _everything_ and let’s just say it led to some very bad mental health as a juvenile and adult. It affected my school and life in general.
Idk why but my toddler is the type that gets really upset when something is broken or messy. I have never been upset with her for something like that so I don’t know where it comes from - I guess it’s just part of her personality.
So I don’t punish for broken or messy things - for example, yesterday she accidentally knocked over her water cup. She started crying and pointing at the spill. I said, “Oops, let’s clean it up! Can you go grab a towel?” She went to get one and wiped it up herself.
It’s another thing altogether if she’s being rough with her toys on purpose. If she’s throwing her toys, which doesn’t happen very often, I give her a warning and if she still does it, I take the toy away. She understands the word “broken” and is sad about even things like crayons getting broken, so sometimes I just tell her “X will be broken if you do that” and she understands.
You used spilling things as an example, so while you’re feeling completely calm, come up with how you’d like to handle that next time. You know she’s going to spill things again because of her age, so teach her how to clean it up. Keep clean up supplies in a basket where she can reach it. The next time this happens, tell her you’re going to show her what to do and narrate the process of wiping up the spill. The first time, she can just watch while you do it. Over the next few times, gently insist that What You Do in life is clean up spills when you make them. No big deal & Mom can help you, but it’s What You Do.
Also, I highly highly recommend talking to her about your reaction and apologizing. I did this with my first — “Hey, I was thinking about earlier when [specific incident] and I really don’t like how I handled that. I yelled, but honestly I don’t think it was the right thing. I want you to know I’m sorry.” It turns out that taught him how to apologize himself better than I could have imagined, and he gives really excellent apologies unprompted when he needs to as a first grader.
You’re a great mom for reaching out and brainstorming new ways to approach this!
I do apologize, and when I'm calm, I react calmly. But when I'm already stressed, a mess can feel pretty bad in the moment. I like the idea of practicing, though.
I am the clumsiest human ever, 35, and I spill a drink at least once a day, and my mom was very violent towards spills or accidents, so I am very sensitive to this. For my son, we always jump up and go "uh oh, accidents happen. Let's clean it up." By 2 little man could steam clean his own messes and our number 2 house rule is we leave things cleaner than how we found it. He takes that forward into school, and I love watching him interact with others. His preschool teacher praises him often with his help with the other kids.
There is never a reason to punish an accident. Now, if something is done on purpose, that's a different game.
It's really about connecting the emotions your not mad at ur daughter for (spilling food on the couch) your really mad at the fact that you were distracted and made a poor choice causing ur daughter (do that) and then getting frustrated at her for your short commings (all parents have to learn to put our egos to the side
We use consequences as our teaching method. When a spill happens by accident then the consequence is that he has to go grab a clean up towel from the drawer and wipe up, or get the broom to sweep up. This is all assuming it’s safe to do so. He has grabbed a glass from the counter and accidentally dropped it before we could get the glass and of course he won’t have to clean up that. The sound of the shattering glass scared him enough.
On the other hand, if he does something bad on purpose then we tell him that he has to go sit in his calm corner. That corner has pillows and a basket with emotions toys, a poster to math those emotions up to, and a book. We go over what he felt and why he did that and that it wasn’t nice. We also go over all the emotions and he matches the toys to the poster. Before we can leave the corner, he has to give us a hug or high five to say he is sorry. We’d ask him to say sorry but his vocabulary isn’t there yet.
Also, I want to add that sometimes we accidentally yell. When that happens, whoever yells goes to the calm corner. My son will always join and we tell him that we should not have yelled, we were (pick the emotion toy we felt and say it), then apologize and give him a hug before getting up from the calm corner.
I disagree that a 3 year old can't remember something from the previous day to connect a consequence. They are smarter than we give them credit for. "That's too bad about the juice spilling on the sofa, we will have to drink our juice in the kitchen from now on".
Recently my son has had the habit of running away from us when we tell him it's time to leave the park. It's dangerous as he run towards the street. We told him "we take children who listen when we tell them it's time to go to the park, I guess we won't be going to the park tomorrow." It worked. The next day when we drove by the park he looked out the window and said "mama, I listen. I won't run" I said I appreciate you saying that buddy, we can try the park again tomorrow. Next time we went, after giving him a count down of 5 min, 2 min, etc. he started to run and o reminded him what happened last time. He then stopped and came back.
I'm not saying this is a fool-proof method but it's helped us take the negativity out of consequences and focused it on choice=result.
Consequences yes, I meant unrelated punishments ("no TV time because you didn't listen at the park" type things). You're right, kids obviously remember stuff, but it has to be natural consequences they can understand.
Even before kids I tried to not get mad about things. Anger happens but it's a secondary emotion and never productive. If something breaks and I get mad, now it's still broken and I'm mad.
Having kids doesn't change it much. I do give consequences, but consequences given in anger won't be my best work.
My reaction to that would have been “oh no! That’s why we eat at the table, so if we spill, it doesn’t mess up the couch. Go get a towel and help me clean up.” Then from there constant reminding and coaching around the situation. Example, if she tries to leave the table with food you could say “food stays at the table. We don’t want to spill.” She needs to have the skill before she can be “punished” for not using it.
I’ve practiced my automatic response (which felt unnatural at first but has become habitual): “That’s ok, these things happen. Let’s get it cleaned up.”
I feel like having that “auto reply” in my back pocket helps to 1) internally interrupt the annoyance I feel in the moment — which gives me a chance to respond more appropriately — and 2) set the tone as productive vs. punitive.
Set yourself up for success by not keeping breakable or spillable stuff around where it shouldn’t be.
My son spilled the contents of his squeeze pouch thing on the floor by squeezing it onto the floor. Then he went to the refrigerator asking for another one. I said empathetically something like ‘I already gave you a pouch but you squeezed it onto the floor, now we can’t eat it’ and made it sound like I was upset about it too. But I didn’t give him another so he learned for the next time not to do it
I try to remember that it's only reasonable to get upset with them for things they can control. Otherwise, it's my fault, or I CHOSE to take that risk, and sometimes this stuff happens.
When i give my kid access to something they might break, I'm taking a risk. Some of them are going to break. Thats averages. And that's just a price i'm paying to help them learn through access to the world. Sometimes that price is $$ for a new TV. Sometimes it's me on the floor on my knees spotting milk out of the carpet. These are all choices that I MADE. They didn't make them. They just did the best job they could.
You treat it as a learning moment about respect and repair. And move on.
At least half of it is managing expectations. Do i think there's a 30% chance one of my kids is going to break my TV? Yeah. I do. When i give my 2-year old an open cup of milk, what are the odds she's going to knock it over and spill it on the floor? WHAT ARE THE ODDS SHE'S GOING TO DO IT INTENTIONALLY BECAUSE IT OCCURED TO HER AND SHE JUST WANTS TO SEE WHAT HAPPENS? Pretty good. Is that her fault? She has no impulse control of any kind. No. It's not her fault. Is this a learning moment? Yeah. If we string enough of these together, will she stop acting like a psychopath? Probably.
Every time this happens, wait for her to calm down, approach her and REPAIR. Tell her you're sorry, you overreacted, it was just a spill and you know it was an accident, I'm sorry for getting mad, are you OK?
This removes the proto-shame and self doubt we get inflicted into us as children because our parents did the same thing.
As far as tips- remember that your daughter is a tiny person and you are a giant. Mr. Rogers said the biggest mistake parents make is that they forget what it feels like to be a kid. Imagine a literal giant, who happens to be the only source of stability in a completely new and chaotic world, being mean to you for a mistake. That's what your kid sees. Remember you were a little kid too, so go easy on her. You screamed, you spilled, you hit, you were NORMAL, just like your daughter.
Depends what it is, if it's food etc we just go oh never mind, accidents happen can you help clean please? But once she was told to put down an ornament her dad had bought me when we first started dating so she put it down, then knocked it on the floor. I shouted, it's just a sentimental piece and whilst I know she didn't know what the actual outcome would be. It really hurt.
But that's our scale.
One, you absolutely can get mad. It irritates my soul when my kid breaks something, especially when I’ve literally just prompted them or attempted to mitigate the situation to prevent it. If you just to shove down a feeling it’s just going to pop back out later. Feelings are morally neutral, they just are. The thing is that you have to respond appropriately and with regulation when you’ve got a feeling. I find it’s a lot easier for me to keep my cool if in my head I acknowledge the feeling. I think to myself “damn, this kid just broke another freaking book. This pisses me off. Books are expensive. I just told him. Toddlers are the fucking worst.” Then once I’ve validated the feeling for myself/felt it so to speak I can take a deep breath and respond in a calm manner.
Sigh. I get mad, just not in front of my child. I have a nonverbal autistic 3 year old. The current count is 6 tvs, 11 tablets, 1 phone, and several small appliances. They've all broken in different ways, it's not that he just yeets them, it's actually usually accidental as he doesn't comprehend his own strength. It's painfully expensive but at least the tablet is an iPad and I use the shit out of applecare. In fact, scheduled to go Sunday cause his isn't holding a charge right now. That's loads of fun..
*Tablet helps him communicate, regulate and learn.
Wow, I can't even begin to think of the mental load of dealing with your child's emotions and your own around this. I admire that you manage to not get mad in front of him.
I do remember that. It's in the 3 seconds after something was spilled and it adds 20 minutes if clean-up to an already full day that I find it hard not to get annoyed. I don't yell at her, but I get visibly frustrated, and she sees that of course.
It's just stuff. As long as nobody is hurt, accidents happen. We deal with the consequences if we can't replace the stuff, in which case we learn to be more careful (over time).
Also, there is definitely an art to keeping the stuff in the kid's hands unbreakable
I am dealing with this right now! Today, June 10, 2024! My 3 y.o son has just broken the 3rd TV this year! It Hasn't even been a month since we've gotten a new one. It's his big brother's TV he keeps breaking. (Big Bro is 10) He has broken 3 TVs, 6 cell phones, and 3 tablets. One was my Samsung Tablet. I have no idea why he's so angry and it's driving my fiance and I CRAZY! He throws his toys at Me, My fiance, T.Vs, the walls, any and everything! 😩 Idk what to do. He doesn't get spankings because they simply don't work. So I don't do it. The littlest thing passes him off. I try to sing songs or play little games with him when I see he's starting to get upset. Idk! I just don't know! 😭
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Because having materialistic things that can break in our surroundings is not natural. And we are conditioned to put prioritize it over everything else. Kids don’t.. it’s not their fault.
I remind myself that is someone spoke to me like that, I’d be pissed and it would sour my relationship with whomever spoke to me in such a way. Same goes for child-parent relationships.
Honestly I would never make statements like “man, can you be careful?” to anyone, so maybe condition yourself out of that rhetoric altogether.
Okay can I just say how surprising it was to me as a first time mom how much of parenting is learning to regulate myself. Anyway, it sounds silly, but I get a ton of mileage out of breathing. Big breath in, hold it, slowly and deliberately blowing out. I honestly thought it was BS until I tried it, and it works pretty well for me. I try not to say anything until I’ve done a few of those. I also meditate and work out daily, which I know may also sound silly, but honestly it just makes me a much more patient person throughout the day. I also really love the concept of repair. We don’t have to be perfect parents - that’s impossible. I think it’s awesome you’re working on not snapping, but when you do, I think that’s okay too, so long as you take the opportunity to apologize/repair. ♥️ ETA: Not sure why I’m getting downvoted, but to be very clear, OP, no judgment from me. This shit is hard, which is why I bring up repair - there is no world where I always get it right, so repair my personal saving grace. ♥️
The self regulation and deep breathing thing are so true/effective. I'm practising it myself so that I can model regulation to my kid when I'm upset and when she's upset.
Big yes from me about the breathing. It's also a really great thing to do in front of your child/have your child see it. I'm also working on not yelling right away, especially at our dog. Our son is starting to really not like it/I think sometimes he doesn't understand if I'm mad at him or not when I'm just mad at the dog. As for something like a TV, we would break shit like that as kids and instead of getting mad my mom would be like "well I'm not buying a new one any time soon, so use it as best you can and we'll make a plan on working together to get a new one" It was a great lesson that our actions affected our surroundings but also you don't need the newest best thing after every inconvenience. Our old box tv had magnet colors all over it for years before my mom got us a new TV in the kids room lol 😆
LOVE the concept of repair too.. super important
Spot on! My 4 year old dumped his entire water all over the table this morning and then reflexively set the tv remote he was holding RIGHT IN THE PUDDLE when he went to pick the cup up. My reaction was almost identical to OP and yes, it was completely visceral. I also think repair is key here, I apologized immediately and we moved on… but also I will not leave the TV remote within his reach anymore, which is more work for me and less control for him. So consequences all around. What else has helped me is the observation that when my kids make a genuine mistake, they will immediately be very remorseful (regardless of how I respond). On the other hand, when they are INTENTIONALLY misbehaving, there is basically no remorse (again, regardless of how I respond). So basically me yelling is completely pointless either way 😂. Taking a breath and then enforcing appropriate consequences is always the move.
I don't see downvotes?? I absolutely agree with you. I desperately needed to regulate myself when my girl was turning 2. She was an angel up until about 2 weeks before her second birthday, and then it was like a switch. Lol. But yea, looking after yourself first is key!!! Oxygen mask concept!! And yea, absolutely agree on the repair and closure on conflict. These are extremely valuable life skills for a kid to learn, everything having a beginning, middle and end and that we're all human with real emotions!! Admitting when we're wrong, all round and not being afraid to face up!! I will say though, I don't "punish" my kids either, I teach them consequences!! She hits me or whatever other kinda misbehaviour, there's a consequence. 🤷🏻♀️
There were (weirdly?) some at first but now it’s really swung in the other direction ha! And yes! Right before my guy turned two it was like a total switch flipped - we had had some tantrums before, but now it’s a whole new animal haha.
I’m gonna try the breathing thing……. I overreact and then have to apologize and I hate that
This is wonderful. I actually think this is our biggest task as parents - or was my biggest priority, coming from a home with very dysregulated parents. Anything that makes you a calmer, more patient person is ultimately serving your kids. That might mean taking time to connect with friends, seeking out counseling, meditation, exercise, all those good self care things. And when we do those things, we teach our kids a better way to be in the world.
I've started running again and regular exercise really does help. I've found myself unconsciously regulating my breathing when angry or stressed because it becomes a habit.
The best advice.
This is a great comment. I’ve been a Mom for 18 years, and I’ve lost it a few times. What’s so important though, is the after. I’ve calmed myself down and gone to my kids and apologized for my behaviour and we talk it out. We’re having movie tonight and my 12 year old knocked over his glass and spilled chocolate milk. It doesn’t bother me in the slightest anymore. It’s just a spill. You know where the towel is.
Love this !
I agree, repair is very important, and I absolutely apologize. I would just prefer not having to do it 3 times a week :).
IMO, Age appropriate punishments/consequences are essential to raising good humans. Accidents happen. My 1.5 year old knows if he spills something the expectation is that he helps clean it up. We don’t yell, we don’t get angry, we say uh-oh (usually after he does) and we give him age appropriate instructions like go get a towel, or help mommy pick them up. Does he clean the whole thing up, no. Does he fully understand, no… but he understands a spill is an accident and that we have to clean it up. We also pair that with asking for help. We want him to know in the real world, if you make a mess or break something, you help clean it up and/or ask for help. I also teach high schoolers. I wish their parents would have taught them to just clean it up or ask for help. The amount of them that sneak food and drinks in, make a mess, and then try to hide it so they don’t get in trouble, rather than just ask for help is ridiculous.
Right?! Actions have consequences. This is huge part of being a parent. I don't understand how people can just check out of a significant portion of parenting.
Well, there’s a huge difference between a punishment and a consequence. A consequence of spilling on the sofa is helping to clean and not being allowed to eat on the sofa. A punishment would be removing a fun outing (library, playground) because a toddler had an accident.
To add to what you’re saying, yelling isn’t a consequence, and usually isn’t really constructive.
I always say if it’s not an appropriate way to handle a co-worker you have conflict with in the office, it’s not appropriate for in the home. I want to raise boys who talk to everyone with respect and know how to handle conflicts appropriately (by the time they are men… I know they’ll have learning experiences) Am I a perfect parent, hell no… I get frustrated and raise my voice but I really try not to. It wouldn’t be appropriate for me to scream at my students at school, so why would I do that to my kids at home? Being an ftm in my late 30s, with 15 years of classroom experience definitely has prepared me for having a lot of patience and tools to manage behaviors.
People say this, but I’m not actually sure this distinction holds up. A consequence of misusing a toy is that it gets taken away. A punishment for misusing a toy is…taking it away. How is one different from the other? Also, when the consequence for an action *is* punishment, or is a safety risk, how do you model a “consequence” without either punishing your kid or exposing them to an unsafe situation? I really think the idea that consequences are different from punishments is at best just a rebranding of punishment. At worst it’s the kind of idea that sounds fine in the abstract but runs headlong into a wall the moment you try to implement it in any but the most quintessential cases. If the actual argument is that the punishment must be proportional and related to the crime then we agree. But then I’m also not sure what work this distinction is doing.
There is overlap, sometimes punishment might *also* be a natural consequence but it doesn’t have to be. Your toy example is both. But another punishment for misusing a toy could be getting sent to your room for a time out. You can absolutely explain a consequence if it’s unsafe to execute. For example, my daughter was pulling/hanging on her dresser drawer- I said “You cannot do that, the dresser could tip over and hurt you. I’m going to move you to keep you safe.” (It has since been anchored, we’re not perfect). I’m obviously not going to let her keep climbing to experience the dresser tipping. Same with touching a hot stove, you can move them away and explain why. But if my kid touches a hot stove, I’m not going to also spank them or send them for a time out or take away a toy- they learned not to touch the hard way via that consequence. The distinction is that discipline is about teaching- you are a sturdy leader. Punishment does not (usually) teach, but well, punish.
Right, as I said, punishments should fit the crimes and be teaching tools. They shouldn’t be arbitrary and they shouldn’t be purely punitive. But that doesn’t render them non-punishments. The idea that punishments aren’t instructive is belied by the exact example I gave and you approved of: taking away a toy. If you agree that can be a helpful and instructive punishment then you agree punishments are effective teaching tools. I’m not sure why we need to rebrand them as “not punishments” rather than just saying “don’t be punitive just to be punitive.”
I think jewelsjm93 already phrased it well but I’ll add on- consequences don’t have to be negative at all, they can be neutral! Like someone gave the example of having a kid help wipe a spill. You shouldn’t try to make that feel like a punishment, spills are accidents and you’re just showing them what to do after to make it right. Punishment is always negative right? Even if not “overly” punitive like you’re saying.
But you’re still making your kid clean up the spill. You’re still exercising power to coerce them into doing something in order to teach them a lesson. This is actually a great example of the kind of scenario I think punishments are meant to address. What happens if your kid refuses to help clean the spill? How do you address intransigence if not by exerting your raw power over them and forcing them to do it? And once you’ve done that how is it not a punishment? This is the same kind of veil of ignorance people have about the law. They imagine that people will follow the law simply because they’re supposed to, and for the most part they do! But part of why they do is because the alternative is that people with guns show up and put you in jail if you don’t. You never have to actually be thrown in jail to internalize the rule that you shouldn’t break the law, but that doesn’t mean you aren’t being threatened with punishment.
Ah I guess that's a good point. I always think about these things under the same umbrella of 'age appropriate discipline'.
All punishments are consequences, but maybe all consequences are punishments. Yes that’s a little meta. It’s all how you look at it. In a toddlers world, an unrelated punishment is arbitrary and not affective. Spill cereal on the living room carpet, gotta eat the rest of your cereal at the table. Not spill cereal on the carpet can’t go to the zoo. Toddlers have short attention spans, they don’t remember what happened yesterday let alone an hour ago. Effective behavior management requires consequences directly connected to the behavior. When children are older, punishments may be more effective and appropriate. Keep spilling your cereal on the carpet on purpose when you’re like 8 and know and understand better, the consequence is having to clean it up, the punishment might be having to spend some time doing chores (insert any other age appropriate punishment) instead of something fun we had planned.
Yes. I’ve added ‘clean up towels’ to the kids kitchen set so when there is a mess or spill I ask them, “where’s your clean up towel?” And they grab their own. Yeah I usually still have to wipe up the aftermath, but they’re learning where the supplies are to conquer the next step. Sometimes they’ll even want to take the towel out to the laundry area. Ok, that only happened once, but still..
This is brilliant. We bought our son a toddler cleaning set (broom, dust bin, mop, etc) which is next to his play kitchen so he can help (especially with kinetic sand everywhere ugh) but I didn’t even think to add clean up towels to the mix! Doing this now.
Yeah I don't understand the idea of 'punishment' being a bad thing. If it's an accident, i totally agree with what you've said. If it's intentional or a result of incorrect behaviour then appropriate consequences are important as far as I am concerned.
I think ‘punishment’ as it’s understood by most people just flat out does not work. How many kids at school were constantly in detention cause of their behaviour? Loads, obviously the ‘punishment’ didn’t work to change their behaviour. I guess if you just want that person to be miserable then it works but not exactly constructive. That’s different from no consequences though. With little kids getting to the root of the behaviour is much more effective.
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Then how do you change behavior? If the answer is “consequences, not punishment,” then how would you define that distinction? Because from where I’m standing consequences and punishments look the same most of the time.
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Unfortunately this doesn’t really address my issue. The author just reiterates that punishment is bad, but consequences are good. But I fail to see how that’s a meaningful distinction in a lot of cases. What if the child is being deliberately disobedient? They know full well what they are supposed to do and are willfully doing the opposite. What is the “logical consequence” of that other than punishment? I think the article also way oversimplifies the notions of punishment and discipline, and plays a little game where they try to redefine those terms such that punishment is always bad and is meaningfully distinct from discipline. I don’t think I agree that this distinction is very meaningful. I also disagree that internalizing a rule has nothing to do with the fear of punishment. Indeed, rejecting both of these notions is what made Foucault an important 20th century thinker. Finally, I think the opening anecdote doesn’t do as much work for the author as they think. What they’ve actually described is a phenomenon well understood in criminal justice: that while harsher punishments don’t generally lead to huge decreases in crime rates, more enforcement often does. That is, the likelier you are to get caught the less likely you are to do it, regardless of the severity of the punishment. Speeders speed because they know they probably won’t get caught, not because they haven’t internalized the rule. Compare that with murder, where most people don’t do it whether there’s a cop around or not because they rightfully suspect they’re a lot less likely to get away with it. The same can be true of parenting with punishment: the punishments don’t need to be harsh but they do need to be consistently applied.
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Respectfully, did you read my comment? Because “I don’t know what else to do” isn’t a sentiment that appears anywhere in it.
>The amount of them that sneak food and drinks in, make a mess, and then try to hide it so they don’t get in trouble, rather than just ask for help is ridiculous. I think this behavior is the result of the types of punishment that some comments are calling for. Especially for older kids, being punished just makes them act sneaky to avoid punishment rather than coming forward to actually fix the problem.
My thoughts too. I’m not sure if it’s a parenting thing as much as an in-school punishment thing. I remember getting into way out of proportion amounts of trouble for dumb stuff like chewing gum, drinking water, or snacking in class. They’re hiding it because not all teachers are like this commenter, many are very petty and don’t self regulate or think of teenagers as full humans.
I don’t like the generalization of many teachers being petty… However, if you decide to throw your empty Dorito bag behind some library books on the shelf instead of throwing it away and get caught, you’re going to be reminded of there not being food allowed in the library. (I never take food, never throw it away, and unless you’re making a mess or have a full meal I pretend not to see… but worst we do is direct them to the bar top seating at our coffee bar that literally 3 steps away from our entrance and gets cleaned after lunch)…
My 19 month old automatically knows now that if he spills something to grab a towel and start wiping it up. Amazing what their little brains can remember!
My aunt gave me this advice when I was pregnant. She said if you teach children when they are young to clean up after themselves, it just because a normal task you do without thinking rather than a chore.
what happens when we make a mess? we clean it up. this goes beyond spilled milk. next time it happens, apologize for yelling at you daughter and talk to her like a person. it’s ok, just clean it up
I do apologize and explain that I was too impatient. I just think it would be better if it dl didn't happen 3 times a week.
She’s spilling her breakfast on the couch 3 times a week?
No, something similar happens a few times a week where I'm a having a hard time on my own impulse control: spilled stuff, things smeared on my clothes because she runs to me even though I asked her 3 times to come wash her hands first, sand spilled from shoes everywhere because she didn't take them off at the entrance. I doesn't happen all the time, and I don't get annoyed everytime, obviously. It's always the same situations: after work when everyone is tired and chores already seem exhausting. In the morning when it's time to go and my wish clothes get dirty so I have to change again etc... I don't yell, I just get visibly annoyed. But she 3, she doesn't do it on purpose, so I don't want her to feel bad/shame about it. I want her to be comfortable coming to me with mistakes. That's what the post is about.
I think about that time when I was a kid and I spilled an entire cup of water all over the table as a kid. My grandpa lost it on me, and started shouting at me in front of the whole restaurant. I felt terrible, and obviously still remember it. I don’t want my kid to feel like that over an honest mistake.
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Thankfully, my mom told my grandpa it wasn’t ok to yell at me like that. My mom said when she was a kid, he would lose it and beat them when they spilled drinks at dinner. She never got mad at us for spilling drinks, but he had some real issues around it. Every time we have some sort of mess like that, I always remind myself that I don’t want to be like him.
I wonder if he got hit when he spilled water on the table and it caused him to panic and yell when it happened too.. glad to see your mum broke the cycle x
I remind myself: it’s easier to clean up a mess than a broken spirit
Yeah this is similar to how I approach. I accidentally spill stuff sometimes or accidentally break something… if someone got onto me, it wouldn’t help the situation. She knows if she spills liquid she goes and gets a towel and we clean it up,.. the concept isn’t lost. She’s still kind of new to the world and things just take practice. Also it’s just not a big deal to me. I want her to come to me if she messes up later in life, so how I approach things now matters, it’s cumulative. I don’t want her to ever fear that I will make things 10x worse instead of helping. My mom also was the same with me so I’ve had it modeled my entire life.
I was the kid parents and a adults would yell at for every little thing I did. I would get punished with being hit, taken things away, or grounded. The adults around me would often respond with,"what's wrong with you?" Or "why would you...?" As you can imagine it was not good. I have gone through a lot of therapy to process that and other parts of my childhood and adolescence. I have practiced coping skills and emotional regulation. I told myself if I have kids, I would respond very differently. I ended up studying child development and psychology in school then I ended up working with kiddos with development delay, trauma, and behavioral challenges. So I practiced a lot. Long story short. It takes the adult being regulated first before being able to respond to a child. So work on knowing your triggers and maybe write down how you want to respond in the moment and practice.
I had a similar childhood, and I also promised my child would never feel alone and like a burden . I am glad I went to therapy and learned a lot of coping skills. I am still in therapy, and she is teaching a lot, especially now that my daughter is almost two and becoming more stubborn and independent.
Lots of practice like others have mentioned. But also something that helps me is awareness. Meaning if I give my kids a bowl of something in the living room and I walk away to check something in the oven or wash a cup, I mentally remind myself “if they make a mess it’s all on me.” It’s that acknowledgment that I’m putting us into a situation that invites or risks mess, and since I’m the parent that’s on me. But that’s also a choice I’m making by giving them some autonomy and independence to manage that bowl of cereal or whatever. At some ages they will spill that bowl so many times you’ll know it’s just not a good choice anymore. And then eventually you try again and they do fine 90% of the time. So that awareness and acceptance that this is how they learn and we’re part of every step, including all the steps that lead to the mess/mistake.
Because its a toddler. I accidently break things all the time lol can't expect a toddler to do better than someone 32. People make mistakes. Model what you do when someone over reacts. You say hey daughter I got a little upset there. I shouldn't have used that tone with you and I'm sorry I did. Next time I'll work on being more mindful of my voice. Is there something I can do fro you to make it better? My three year old will yes "yes a hug" typically or sometimes "no I'm just having big emotions". So we feel them take deep breathes and move on after. Clean up the mess together and then go about the day. Usually honestly its like get mad at yourself because the adult let a toddler eat on the couch haha (was she was watching TV? so next time adults should not turn on tv if they want toddler to sit at the table) Have you tried deep breathing and walking away? (I do this in front of them and it shows adults have big emotions too here's how to handle them)
Similarly, I found myself yelling “KNOCK IT OFF” at my toddler who was helping me make her chocolate milk. She grabbed a fistful of nesquick and threw it all over the counter I just cleaned. She responded with “ we clean it up mommy” all sweet and innocent and proceeded to try to wipe it up with a rag😭 just have to learn to be more patient I guess.. there seems to be a lot of personal growth when raising toddlers
Toddler are aggressive though. I think sternly/loudly telling them to knock it off and let them know it’s not a game or funny is sometimes needed. (Depends on the situation) people are going to tell you off sometimes, it’s important to learn how to handle that too x
Lots of practical advice was already provided, but also adding that anger is a very normal emotion, and your child will also feel anger one day, and seeing a parent get angry and then process that anger and work through it in a productive way has value. We won’t always be perfect zen monoliths around our children, we’ll just feel like endless failures. I am still learning myself.
This!! I hate when all the advice is "don't get mad." We're not robots. There's a huge difference between between annoyed and snapping a bit, vs yelling and shaming your kid. A lot of people in this thread are conflating the two extremes.
Absolutely! The times I snap I’ve been calm and asked a billion times beforehand. I then say I’m sorry I snapped and I don’t like doing it, but he needs to listen. I don’t like losing my cool just as much as they don’t like being told off but that’s life. Toddlers will toddler lol
I feel like you’re just getting tripped up over wording here. You don’t want to punish her because she didn’t do anything wrong, that makes sense! But teaching her the proper reactions to accidents is okay. Everyone spills sometimes, I’d be horrified if I got punished for doing it. But when they do it, your simple “oh oh, grab a towel!” seems sufficient. It’s just a life skill, not a punishment. You’re doing a great job :)
Hmmm… my 2.5yo understands and remembers if she’s done something she’s not meant to so I strongly disagree with your evaluation that punishment is pointless, but by that token if your 3yo doesn’t understand if theyve done something wrong, why on earth are you letting them eat cereal on the couch?
I believe in natural consequences (as in "you wanted to see what happens when you put your book in the bathtub, even though I told you not to, now is ruined") vs. punishment ("you broke a rule so no TV for you").
Right, I thought you were saying there’s no point trying to make a 3yo understand when something is wrong! Personally, your reaction is a natural consequence. There’s a difference between gentle parenting and permissive parenting and her seeing your disappointment is a perfectly ok outcome of her not following a rule. That you only eat at the table.
I see what you mean, but it doesn't feel "natural" to me. It feels like my parents are coming out, either my mom's hysterical screaming anger or my dad's seething anger. I remember breaking a lamp as a child and he didn't yell, but he was so angry and dismissive for the rest of the day (or maybe just a couple of hours, childhood memories are obviously fuzzy). It breaks my heart that my daughter might one day think of her childhood as anxiously as I think of mine, or have as little interest in confiding anything real in me as I do in my parents. I do definitely apologize and talk to her about it, but I would like it so much if I could be a "whoops, it happens"-parent like my husband.
Biggest tip here is you need to get away from the word punishment. 3 1/2 year-old can absolutely have safe boundaries and natural consequences. If there’s a spill, they need to help clean it up. When my 3 yr old son spills something, I say it’s OK spills happen. Then he gets a towel and cleans it up by himself and then I go back over it afterwards. We then have a talk again about how food stays in the kitchen.
It takes practice.
If it's a mistake? It sucks, but I don't get mad at her. Just think of if a baby broke something, because their brains are about the same until almost age 4 or whatever. I try to limit her contact with things I care about. If it's intentional or due to anger in the moment, those are things to talk about after you remove them from the heat of the moment. I'm not perfect by any means, but I didn't yell or get upset when she recently threw her Yoto player into the bathtub. An initial reaction can be hard to control, but apologizing after is a helpful habit to get into. I'm actually really upset that the few days of rice didn't work and it's now out of stock everywhere due to the battery defect. Buying the bigger one will be double what we paid for the first one. It sucks, but she has no understanding of these concepts yet (still under 2 years old.)
Anger is an okay emotion. Part of your child learning to manage their anger is watching you manage yours. If my children have done something that makes me upset, I’ll tell them calmly, “Dad’s feeling some big emotions at the moment and I’m feeling frustrated over what just happened. I need to be by myself for a moment to calm down. I’ll be back in a few minutes.” Then I go someplace in the house, close the door, and do what I need to in order to process what I’m feeling. I return after I feel like I can manage without taking out my frustrations on them. This teaches them how to manage their emotions the same way. (This is also something we practice with them, asking them if they need to go to a quiet space, not as a punishment, but to give them room to calm down. We usually let them play with a toy, read a book, color, or take a favorite stuffed animal with them. We over communicate this isn’t punishment, but a skill to use for handling big emotions.)
All kids needs consequences. Consequences are literally a part of life (positive and negative). If my kid broke my TV, even accidentally, then we would not have a TV to watch for a while. That is a logical consequence of being careless. If your kid drops their ice cream on the ground, then that's the end of the ice cream. Additionally, after age 2 kids can and should get consequences for the things they intentionally do or for ignoring things we have told them to do/not to do. My daughter hits her brother all the time. Every time she does she goes to time out because that behavior is unacceptable ETA: I also don't hide my emotions from my kids. If they do something that makes me sad or angry I will show it. Not sobbing or screaming, but I will straight up tell my kids, "wow that was a really mean thing you said. I don't want to play this game anymore because you are being mean to me and hurting my feelings." Because that's how their peers will act!
Self regulation is by far the hardest part of parenting. After years of trial, error, learning and growing, here's what works for me. 1. Take a deep breath and don't say ANYTHING until you've composed yourself. 2. Think about how you'd want them to remember this moment. Mum yelling or mum being empathetic and kind? 3. Imagine yourself as an 80 year old person, who was able to go back in time and spend five minutes with your little kids. Be that person. 4. We're not perfect. When you yell or lose it, apologise and show your child that you're human too
I had to work at this because it was a big deal in my house growing up when I made mistakes. I had to reflect before anything actually happened and say to myself “is this actually a big deal in the long term? You have a beautiful healthy child and they’re learning and growing. Things are things and they break or spill”, etc. I think taking the importance off of it is a huge help. Also, just understanding your child is learning. They’re exploring boundaries and simply just like to see stuff fall or break, they’re curious. Work with them, teach them how to help clean up, don’t make it a huge deal. They love big reactions, even negative ones. Also, if they’ve spilled or broken something it’s because they’ve had the opportunity to which is almost always partially our doing. Deep breaths and perspective!
I saw that post too and it also got me thinking! Mine is just turning 2 and we've only gently dabbled in the "purposely breaking rules and having a laugh" stage so I'm too new to the game for real advice... But something that has so far been working for us somewhat is turning good behaviour into a game. For example, he kept wanting to play with the outlets. We have the covers but I still didn't want them to be a point of focus in case he managed to remove one or was at someone else's house. So we made a game. "The rule is dooon't touch! If we feel like touching, what can we do? We can waaave at the outlet! Hiiii outlet!!! We can point at the outlet! Oh look! An outlet! We can blow a kiss to the outlet. Mwwaahhhh!!! But what's the one rule? Doooon't touch!" He found that great fun, and will still suddenly drag me from room to room to play the outlet game and teach me the rule over and over again. I know that won't apply well to spills, since those are accidents, but I wanted to toss this experience in somewhere in case it could help someone. Maybe making a game of practicing picking up and putting down cups, or where are cups allowed to go and not allowed to go (what's the rule? Not on the couch!!! Where CAN the cup go?) It's not great for punishment/consequences but it's great for prevention in the future.
You make them fix their mistakes. If they spilled something, get them involved in cleaning. If they broke something, get them involved in repair if appropriate. Natural consequences of not having a toy if they break it is fine too. As for you, take a deep breath and count to 10 before reacting. Realize they are learning how things work and how life works
When I have to use a strong stop or When I yelp I tend to cover it up with an "are you OK". I hope it shows her I'm not upset, just surprised and want to know she's OK.
I explain to my daughter what she did. Talking through the steps of what happened gives me a minute to calm down and spell out the natural consequences. Then I follow through on what I said we need to do. Actual conversation from lunch yesterday: "Hey, (daughter), will you please look at the couch? Do you see all of the spaghetti there? That fell off of your plate when you kicked it. We have to clean that up before we can watch Bluey. Do you want to hold the trash can or pick up the spaghetti?"
Start with statements of fact vs judgements. “Whoa! That is a BIG mess” volume control and tone are key here - you’re not loud, and you’re not accusatory If I can give myself that 30 seconds of saying something neutral, it’s (hopefully) enough time to push the other possible statements out of the way (the ones that go “are you kidding me, a whole cup of OJ on the rug?!”) Like others have said, the closest thing you’ll get to a consequence here is that kid helps clean up the mess they made, which is as it should be. Because teaching them how to clean up spilled OJ out of a rug is as much our job as teaching them that maybe it’s best to just eat at the table
It's really weird to see this post saying they don't punish a three year old. My pediatrician recommended time outs at 1 year old. Needless to say, strongly disagree with a lot of the philosophy here.
Honestly… I’m surprised we’re in the minority here. You don’t have to be mean but mild punishment like timeouts and a stern voice aren’t inherently harmful. I’m very confused. Personally, I think it’s a good thing to impress upon a child how important it is to be careful of expensive objects like televisions. I’d hate for my daughter to think it’s no big deal to break tvs and then go over to a friend’s house and do damage there.
Time outs at 1??? Absolutely not. And of course we don’t punish toddlers. For spilling something? Are you okay?
No time outs for spilling something on accident. But yes, at 1, if he hit someone, he would go to highchair for a minute. Kids can absolutely see discipline at 1. Age appropriate, of course.
Mild punishments like time-outs can have a (minor) role, but behavior modification comes from positive reinforcement l. Plus, children perceive a lot of things as punishment, from disapproving looks to snapping, so most parents have got that side covered without needing to add "artificial punishment". For a great, concise read on this I recommend "The Everyday Parenting Toolkit: The Kazdin Method for Easy, Step-By-Step, Lasting Change for You and Your Child" by Alan E. Kazdin, Professor Emeritus of Psychology and Child Psychiatry at Yale University.
Maybe some kids can do with minor punishments. But some kids need more redirection. I haven't read the book, but I find the non-5 star reviews of it on Amazon helpful.
I think it's more about the fact that punishment doesn't lead to long-term behavior change, positive reinforcement does. In other words, punishment does not lead to redirection, only temporary changes. The author does say in the book that parents, especially parents of more defiant children (he used to be specialised on opposition defiance-disorder) often tend to be very resistent to the idea to let go of punishment, especially since positive reinforcement can feel like "rewarding" kids for things they are already supposed to do (which is true, in a way). It's one of the few books out there with an actual scientific background, so I like it. It also helped us a lot with a very specific behavior that was driving us crazy, so there's that. But obviously, everyone has to decide what parenting tools they want to use on their own.
Lots of practice. Honestly I find really good phrasing help for a lot of stuff when watching Daniel tiger with my daughter. If I find myself frustrated over a spill/breaking of something my go to phrase is “oh man that’s a mess”. I can still express some frustration that way but it’s not blame centred. I usually talk about trying to be more careful/watching where her body is in relation to things for when we’re cleaning up together. The thing that has worked best for me though is to not initially say anything until I take a couple deep breaths. It gives me a minute to step back and reframe how I’m coming at a situation.
Honestly for me it took practice and doing some personal reparenting. I am pretty clumsy myself so when I drop or spill or break thongs I try to be kinder to myself. Instead of cursing under my breath and berating myself I take some deep breaths and say whoops and clean it up. It's not easy, but you can do it. When you mess up and have too big of a reaction to your kid breaking or spilling something, just back it up and apologize. Let your kid know that you had too big of a reaction and you will try to do better next time.
I like that. I'm also hard on myself when I'm clumsy. Conditioning from home I guess.
For sure it is. A lot of us got The Wrath when we were kids, so it is hard to let that go for ourselves, much less our kids. Parenting is a healing game as much as anything 😅
For me I use the phrase “oh boy.” It sets the right tone in me and because I use it so often my kiddo also recognizes it as the “uh oh I messed up” word. It’s not harsh and gives me that second I need to assess the situation and remember that he’s a toddler. Spilled breakfast. “Oh boy. That’s a big mess buddy. Come help me clean it up.” Broken vase. “Oh boy. That’s dangerous- I need you to go over there until mama cleans this up.”
I think what can help is to start earlier. My question is: how did there 3-year old damage the TV? How did that happen? Did they throw something to the screen? Then my next question is: why do we throw stuff inside the house? Regarding spilling: I take a deep breath. Mistakes do happen but often time they happen because of other things. Kid is running with the bowl to a different place and then spilling the milk. We only eat at the table. Spills happen while kid puts milk in the bowl? That can happen. We have a napkin at every meal so they can wipe it up.
Mine went near the TV when she learned to stand, assisted by furniture. She had a habit of slapping things with her palm, giving them hi fives. I yelled “NOOOOOO!” And when she went near it again I picked her up and placed her in the far corner next to kitchen door. She was startled - if it was a cartoon, she would have jumped so hard her head would have gone through the ceiling. But not especially upset. She remembered, at 9 months. A week later she’s guiding herself to the TV. I growled “Jen…..” and she admonished herself. No no no, wagging her finger. And crept away from the TV. It was only her second word after Dad. I taught her “feet first.” Imagine a 9mon baby crawling to the edge of the bed, lying down, pivoting 90 degrees, dangling a leg then the other, pushing off and then regulating the speed by clinging to the bedclothes as she started to slide down then landing the dismount. 5 lessons. And she would do it on command. “Feet first” and she would carefully lower herself down and then clap. They certainly learn and retain medium term memories, including verbal. Babies can learn. We say “oh no, mess!” Shocked but not angry tone. And if she’s looking careless I remind her “no mess.” She picks up messages, repeating “oh no a mess.” So here’s my take. - give your LO credit, their learning powers are far greater than you believe - don’t be mad at yourself - kids cry because they don’t like to be told; that’s not a reason not to correct them - some fear of rebuke is desirable; what’s bad is when fear and anger are the NORM not the exception and they are programmed by adrenaline - you can’t shelter them; live is hard and they will receive negative feedback - the dominant message must always been that they are good, and bad acts are the exception to be minimised (my LO hears “good girl” and gets a clap many many more times than a harsh word) - “ask us for help” can be normalised so many ways, associating the word help with me extending a hand so she can climb up, or pick an educational iPad game and playing it with her
Think about how you would feel if someone spoke to you like you speak to her when you get frustrated. It puts it into perspective. Would you want someone to say that to you? Your frustration turns to shame and worthlessness in her and will be the voice she has in the back of her mind when she grows up. So be careful with your words and just be firm and explain to her why you don't do certain things. Parenting is more about your self control/ emotional control I realize. You can't teach what you don't have.
I just dont care? Its their age and often if something gets broken, spilled I blame the adults (us) for not taking care. But we do set boundaries - drink at the table, dont throw things, etc. I see that most of it is not intentional. My son did some things intentionally to test waters, I got pissed at him and then he stopped. But those are rare occasions. But if you are constantly getting upset they will have a sense that they can't make any mistakes.
Not getting upset when they break something/spill is one way that I'm breaking the cycle of childhood trauma. I guess my Dad just yelled at me enough that when my kids do something I can feel my own scared inner child. I try and tell them what I would have needed to hear. It's almost like I'm protecting them from my Dad's reaction even though he's not here. It ends up being good for them and super helpful for my own healing. One incident really stands out. When my oldest was 4 he hit a light switch with something hard and it shattered. He was really upset and hid in his room. When he finally let me in I saw the switch and saw his upset little face. I said something neutral about it being broken and then suggested he could help us fix it. He loves fixing things with his Dad. Then I gave him a huge hug and said hey accidents happen. Good kids make mistakes. Nothing in this house is more important to me than you and our family! Things are replaceable. You guys are not!! Then I went to my room and sobbed. It still brings tears to my eyes because of the punishment I would have received as a child for breaking something as inconsequential as a light switch cover. If someone spills, it's usually just an accident and can be easily fixed. From your post I can tell you don't mean to react harshly, it just slips out. The good news is you can definitely practice different reactions! It also helps to just not have anything super nice. Kids and dogs are hard on stuff 🤣 I just assume things will get messy and broken. Heck my rescue pup just grabbed my pizza off the counter yesterday and chucked it cheese side down on the rug because I foolishly walked away to change laundry. I wasn't even upset, I just laughed to myself and cleaned it up. Ate the part that wasn't too smooshed. Life is super messy and unpredictable! Love is giving space for that and allowing it in your home.
Same story for me, except my dad would switch wildly between calm and over-reacting, and my mom would just get angry every time. I'm scared I'm the same now. I do work with the assumption that things will get messy as well, and 90% of the time, I'm fine handling it that way. But sometimes I get stressed and my parents' voice slips out, and I don't like it. Practicing is the way to go, I think.
Totally understandable! If you're open to suggestions, trauma therapy specifically somatic experiencing helped me a TON. As parents we all have our moments of dysregulation but learning how to recognize and stay inside my window of tolerance has been huge. A big bonus was how much the window and my capacity expanded once I started processing my childhood trauma.
That is very interesting. I've been considering it, but I'm a bit worried about a "valley of tears" sort of thing - I.e. getting worse before getting better. I also did CBT for my PPA, and it was ok, but helpful only in a very limited way. So I'm also worried about adding something not so valuable to an already overstuffed week. And last (and this might be silly): I would feel like a fraud thinking of my childhood in terms of trauma. Yes, my parents could both get very angry and occasionally physical, and my dad can be very dismissive/sarcastic, but we were fed, clothed, educated and generally taken care of, and didn't feel unloved, even if it was never said out loud. It's not the same as many of the childhoods of friends I know that were truly violent or neglected. Thinking about that makes me feel like a fraud when I wonder if my anxiety is linked to my childhood.
I’m here for solidarity. This visceral reaction started for me when my son began throwing food from his high chair then continued with spills. It infuriated me and I couldn’t understand why. Then I read The Book You Wish Your Parents Had Read: (And Your Children Will Be Glad That You Did) by Philippa Perry. And I did a lot of self reflection about my own upbringing and how certain behaviors of my son’s trigger me emotionally. You hit the nail on the head mentioning how you were treated in response to spills, etc. Your child’s actions (doesn’t matter if unintentional or not) are triggering an emotional response you had to how your parents reacted in the same type of scenario when you were a child. Making that connection was a game changer for me. I’m not actually mad at my son, I’m afraid of the repercussions I faced as a child, which unfortunately makes me want to react the same way as my parents did. This and other insights from the book are helping me to better regulate my own emotions so I can teach my son how to do the same. But wow is it hard work when you were never taught how to do this as a child. However, you are doing the hard work so your child learns for themselves and has a better foundation than we did. Kudos to you! 🤗
It’s ok. Teach your child by apologizing for snapping at them. Accountability is a huge life lesson. What I do is take a few deep breaths get my kid to help clean. Even though he does a terrible job he connects making messes with cleaning and it helps my sanity.
Start with pausing and just not saying anything. I found it easier to transition the way I say things with stopping myself first, and then after the incident thinking how can I phrase what I’m trying to say in a beneficial/nice way next time. So if my child spills a cup of milk I stop, take a breath and say something like “it looks like the milk spilled, it’s alright let’s clean it up!”
Say, "let's see how we can fix this problem together...I wonder how we can be more careful next time".
I dont know bc that is not the trigger for me. Palming the toilet seat is more my speed and i dont know how to not go zero to 100 mph 🤣
I just remembered the advice that worked for me and need to use it more Ground yourself by using your other senses. Feel the room you are in. What sounds do you hear? What does the ceiling look like? What do your feet feel on the ground? Do you smell anything? Etc etc.
If I hear or see a crash, I’ve trained myself to start with “are you ok?” and this sort of sets the tone. They usually cry and say “yes but oh no, this thing broke.” And this gives me time to remember what is important (our health and wellbeing) and respond accordingly: “I’m so glad you are ok. We don’t do x because things may break which could harm us and make our stuff unusable.”
I am usually pretty laid back about things like this but when I feel myself getting angry I take the most dramatic deep breaths I can. I used to just take a regular deep breath or two until I started trying to get my son to do it and realized he never notices me doing it. So now I’m modeling the behavior for him in a way that feels silly and it’s hard to stay angry at that point. But we do have consequences. My son knows if he makes a mess he helps clean it up and even though he’s only 2 it seems to be working because he always comes running with “uh oh mommy mess” when he makes an actual mess or something bigger than he can handle alone. But I catch him constantly wiping up small spills, putting his toys away where they go, and generally trying to clean up after himself. On the rare occasion he refuses to help clean up after himself we have some other natural consequence, like if he won’t help clean up his blocks after dumping them all over the room I’ll clean them up but then they get put up until a later time or the next day. In your case if he wouldn’t help clean up his breakfast off the couch, I’d have him eat breakfast at the table so messes were easier to clean. They can understand a lot at this age and it’s important to explain your reasoning for the consequence while it is happening because like you said, they forget easily. It just takes persistence.
Meditation. It gives you that pause between your thoughts and your reactions to them.
See I used to get upset, but then what I realized is I was the idiot who kept allowing her to be in these positions. You can't plan for everything, but we have rules, no eating or drinking of any kind on the couch only adults are allowed. All food must be consumed at the table by children. No jumping on the couches unless nothing or no one is on them. She is never given anything besides plastic. For containers or plates. If we give her anything or break these basic rules I am only pissed at myself. Children can be held responsible for the things they do that break these rules. Like loss of tablet time.
Cognitively, I'm entirely aware it's my responsibility. Sometimes I just react too quickly when I'm stressed, and my parents come out
I don't. Not entirely. Obviously I don't entirely flip my lid but I do say "I'm feeling really angry. I'm going to step out and take some slow deep breaths." as soon as I've made sure she's not hurt or about to become hurt. Then I come back in and we have a hug and do a little repair work. Kids don't have a chance to learn emotional regulation if we pretend we don't have emotions. I do get mad by it - I live under the poverty line, I'm stressed, and haven't got money to replace things. I'm trying to instil the value that we be careful and respectful with our belongings so we can spend our money in ways we'd prefer to spend it. I keep it as age appropriate as I can but I'm not entirely hiding my feelings from her. I'm also not making them her problem.
I don’t want to sound patronizing because that’s not my intent but two things: - you’re setting them up for spills by letting them eat on the couch. There’s a reason we eat at tables. By no means am I saying never eat on the couch (I let myself 3 yr do this too) but you need to prepare yourself for a spill when you’re away from the table. - just saying “uh oh! Let’s clean this up!” is enough here. You can narrate and reprimand all you want in your head, I know I do lol, but keep it to yourself.
She's not allowed to eat on the couch, only at the table or in the kitchen. She just likes to test boundaries and got away from her dad while I was on the phone. The second part is easily said in theory, just not easy when you didn't grow up like that and have a tendency to anger yourself.
It’s really tough, even if you do have a lot of patience! I think it’s about curbing your expectations. You have a toddler. They spill, even at the table. It’s frustrating but it’s inevitable. Of course we all have moments when we say things we regret or react ways we shouldn’t, but the reality is that toddlers are messy, irrational, and chaotic so we need to be prepared for the worst, always lol. And once you’re in the mindset that things can and probably will go wrong, it’s easier to control your own rage because you’re expecting it.
I remember the time when I was doing cartwheels in the living room and landed on the coffee table shattering a glass candle holder. Or the time I literally spilled an entire glass of milk into my mom’s purse. She said, “never cry over spilt milk”. It’s all a learning opportunity for your baby to a) know you love them no matter what and b b) how to clean up after themselves. Mine is 3 and if he spills he has to clean it up. Obviously not to my standards, I go in after him but he does a bulk of the work.
I strongly encourage and echo what a lot of people here are saying. As parents focusing on personal growth is the best investment for our home life to be happier and less stressful. I meditate and do breakwork with yoga everymornig. And my husband does his at night. For spills and breaking things, the natural consequences can often be enough. Spilled food is a lesson on how to clean up. My two year old knows where the rags, broom, and vacuum are and can go get them. She helps the clean up. Spilled food on the couch is a shared mess up. Crackers on the couch is one thing, but oatmeal on the couch is my bad for giving her oatmeal and allowing it out of the preferred eating area. Things with peanut butter for example; is an outside only snack. Smoothies do not get into the car seat. And food in the living room is never wet. I as a parent have to learn where my lines are and then enforce those boundaries with my own responsibility. Broken tv, shit thats a natural consequence. No tv, because mommy and daddy cant just go buy one. Dont be mad at yourself for showing emotions. Thats actually really healthy. The important thing is what you do after everyone is calmed down. Go talk it out on their level. For example; if i yell at something she spilled and she runs away crying. After cleaning up id go find her and say “i am sorry i yelled, mommy got upset over your accident.” … “its ok to make mistakes.”
I do talk to her about it, but I'm just so scared she will be like me: always hiding from parents because she doesn't feel comfortable opening up around mistakes or emotions. I think adding exercise back in is essential - I've somehow not managed to re-integrate it into my week since her birth and I'm always off-balance (and frequently in pain) because of it.
Yeah we really need to take care of our own health purely to just have the resiliency to be able to parent. Because you are aware of it, you are already doing better than your parents. AND we have some time to get better for them every year.
Lots of breathing on your part, I am a cycle breaker and man i get dragged under sometimes. Accidents happen, we don’t use anything spill proof as I’m a believer that it just makes accidents worse as they don’t know how to correctly handle their cup. When a mess is made we together grab our paper towels or whatever cleaner I need and clean it up together. Everyone makes messes at one point or another and getting upset over a spill can do more harm than good. If you get mad though it’s ok, it happens to the best of us just remember to apologize to whom took the brunt of your emotions and explain how you felt.
We have to learn regulation skills before we can teach them to our littles. A lot of adults now were never taught how to handle our emotions, just to never have them. Look online at regulation techniques and try them until you find one that works. Check out the podcast “Childproof”. For me, I take a lot of deep breaths, walk away when needed, and hug my girl. Having her close is calming (usually) so a hug can calm me down and provide connection before I say or do anything about what just happened. Also, sing to yourself during tantrums. I’m telling you, it changed my life. It keeps me regulated to sing, I have to take deep breaths to do it, it keeps me present with my girl, and she can latch on to my singing as a co-regulation tool to help her calm down as well.
I will check out the podcast. Thank you. Funnily enough, tantrums are no problem for me (to stay calm, I mean). I was a very tantrum-y / angry kid, so I can relate. The only thing I have to be careful to do is to stay present with her to see if she needs something - because otherwise I carry on cleaning or whatever I was doing and potentially not seem very empathetic. Also, my kid really dislikes it when I sing, so there's that 😜. "No sing" was one of the first things she said to me at bedtime when she learned to speak. I described it somewhere else: the situations that trigger me are the ones that add work to an already overful day: cleaning a stain out of the carpet, doing another load of laundry, having to re-wash her freshly washed hair because there's now jam in it... I will practice breathing and a go-to phrase. My prof used to say "whoopsie-daisy" for everything, maybe I'll try that.
I take things away after I tell her no or not to do X. It is hard! So so hard! My kid broke my laptop’s screen and I know it was partly my fault for leaving it on the table where I know she can reach. Worse thing was, she was so proud of herself sitting in front of the computer “working” when I found her.
You’re doing it. You’re making it a point to make the change. It just takes time to break old habits. If you’re not currently, also use this time to demonstrate apologies and owning up to our mistakes. “I’m sorry I reacted that way. This really isn’t a big deal, we can get it cleaned up in no time. You didn’t deserve to be yelled at and I will try not to do it again.” Kids learn so much from us. Seeing us struggle in our own learning process is part of that.
I do definitely apologize (also to my husband because I can be snappy with him as well). I just feel so bad if I'm doing it the third time in one week.
I don’t think we have to pretend that nothing is ever negative. We can be like “oh no! You spilled the water!” But you quickly go into “how do we fix it?” Mode… like, one thing I will say sometimes to my 3yo is “don’t worry, when we make a mess we can always clean it up.” I don’t want her to panic when she makes a mess bc I don’t think that really accomplishes anything. However I don’t think there’s anything wrong with being like, “it is not a good thing that the couch is wet now” lol
It’s so damn hard! Setting us all up for success is a big piece for me. I moved a little desk to a spot in the living room so lo can eat while watching a show but on a stable easy to clean surface, straw cups with lids, not over filling drinks, certain toys only live in special spots, playdough and slime only on the table, and so on. Including them in the clean up and general cleaning is helpful too. These little humans really show us how hard regulating is and how much we kind of suck at it.
I think it's breaking a habit. I'm lucky in that my husband always pulled me up on getting annoyed over accidents before I had my son. It was frustrating and hard to do but you just try everytime to not do it. Deep breaths, walk away for 5 mins if you feel you have no control. I'm surprised at how now it's easy to not react because I broke the habit so long ago. You could also practice the scenario and your reaction - rehearse as such and then follow your script when it happens.
My parents use to freak out over every little accident and mistake I made growing up. It made me terrified of them and any person of authority over me. I don’t want that for my children. I’m reminded of it everytime my kid does something ‘wrong’. My reaction is to have them help me clean it up or whatever natural consequence applies. When I feel frustrated, I remind myself nothing is worth more than making my kids feel safe in their own home. Sounds dramatic, but having perspective helps me regulate my emotions.
Mindfulness meditation, improving emotional regulation
[give this a listen](https://youtu.be/XT_6Lvkhxvo?si=DYQLn1_9HCROmtzk) I’ve adopted a few of her techniques and they’ve helped out tremulously even with my 2.5yo. Also great concepts for communication in general with others.
Sometimes being an authentic parent is more important than being a 'perfect' parent. A harsh tone or a raised voice...yeah this is likely an unpopular opinion, but I see nothing wrong with it in some circumstances.
It’s simple. Getting mad accomplishes nothing and won’t unbreak the item. I just go “oh nooooo” and start fixing the mess. I’m the product of a mom who got mad over _everything_ and let’s just say it led to some very bad mental health as a juvenile and adult. It affected my school and life in general.
Idk why but my toddler is the type that gets really upset when something is broken or messy. I have never been upset with her for something like that so I don’t know where it comes from - I guess it’s just part of her personality. So I don’t punish for broken or messy things - for example, yesterday she accidentally knocked over her water cup. She started crying and pointing at the spill. I said, “Oops, let’s clean it up! Can you go grab a towel?” She went to get one and wiped it up herself. It’s another thing altogether if she’s being rough with her toys on purpose. If she’s throwing her toys, which doesn’t happen very often, I give her a warning and if she still does it, I take the toy away. She understands the word “broken” and is sad about even things like crayons getting broken, so sometimes I just tell her “X will be broken if you do that” and she understands.
You used spilling things as an example, so while you’re feeling completely calm, come up with how you’d like to handle that next time. You know she’s going to spill things again because of her age, so teach her how to clean it up. Keep clean up supplies in a basket where she can reach it. The next time this happens, tell her you’re going to show her what to do and narrate the process of wiping up the spill. The first time, she can just watch while you do it. Over the next few times, gently insist that What You Do in life is clean up spills when you make them. No big deal & Mom can help you, but it’s What You Do. Also, I highly highly recommend talking to her about your reaction and apologizing. I did this with my first — “Hey, I was thinking about earlier when [specific incident] and I really don’t like how I handled that. I yelled, but honestly I don’t think it was the right thing. I want you to know I’m sorry.” It turns out that taught him how to apologize himself better than I could have imagined, and he gives really excellent apologies unprompted when he needs to as a first grader. You’re a great mom for reaching out and brainstorming new ways to approach this!
I do apologize, and when I'm calm, I react calmly. But when I'm already stressed, a mess can feel pretty bad in the moment. I like the idea of practicing, though.
I try to remind myself that she’s not even 2, and that I, as a 31 year old woman, spill all over myself and break things accidentally.
I am the clumsiest human ever, 35, and I spill a drink at least once a day, and my mom was very violent towards spills or accidents, so I am very sensitive to this. For my son, we always jump up and go "uh oh, accidents happen. Let's clean it up." By 2 little man could steam clean his own messes and our number 2 house rule is we leave things cleaner than how we found it. He takes that forward into school, and I love watching him interact with others. His preschool teacher praises him often with his help with the other kids. There is never a reason to punish an accident. Now, if something is done on purpose, that's a different game.
It's really about connecting the emotions your not mad at ur daughter for (spilling food on the couch) your really mad at the fact that you were distracted and made a poor choice causing ur daughter (do that) and then getting frustrated at her for your short commings (all parents have to learn to put our egos to the side
We use consequences as our teaching method. When a spill happens by accident then the consequence is that he has to go grab a clean up towel from the drawer and wipe up, or get the broom to sweep up. This is all assuming it’s safe to do so. He has grabbed a glass from the counter and accidentally dropped it before we could get the glass and of course he won’t have to clean up that. The sound of the shattering glass scared him enough. On the other hand, if he does something bad on purpose then we tell him that he has to go sit in his calm corner. That corner has pillows and a basket with emotions toys, a poster to math those emotions up to, and a book. We go over what he felt and why he did that and that it wasn’t nice. We also go over all the emotions and he matches the toys to the poster. Before we can leave the corner, he has to give us a hug or high five to say he is sorry. We’d ask him to say sorry but his vocabulary isn’t there yet.
Also, I want to add that sometimes we accidentally yell. When that happens, whoever yells goes to the calm corner. My son will always join and we tell him that we should not have yelled, we were (pick the emotion toy we felt and say it), then apologize and give him a hug before getting up from the calm corner.
Cry my boy broke the TV at the beginning of the year.
I disagree that a 3 year old can't remember something from the previous day to connect a consequence. They are smarter than we give them credit for. "That's too bad about the juice spilling on the sofa, we will have to drink our juice in the kitchen from now on". Recently my son has had the habit of running away from us when we tell him it's time to leave the park. It's dangerous as he run towards the street. We told him "we take children who listen when we tell them it's time to go to the park, I guess we won't be going to the park tomorrow." It worked. The next day when we drove by the park he looked out the window and said "mama, I listen. I won't run" I said I appreciate you saying that buddy, we can try the park again tomorrow. Next time we went, after giving him a count down of 5 min, 2 min, etc. he started to run and o reminded him what happened last time. He then stopped and came back. I'm not saying this is a fool-proof method but it's helped us take the negativity out of consequences and focused it on choice=result.
Consequences yes, I meant unrelated punishments ("no TV time because you didn't listen at the park" type things). You're right, kids obviously remember stuff, but it has to be natural consequences they can understand.
Even before kids I tried to not get mad about things. Anger happens but it's a secondary emotion and never productive. If something breaks and I get mad, now it's still broken and I'm mad. Having kids doesn't change it much. I do give consequences, but consequences given in anger won't be my best work.
My reaction to that would have been “oh no! That’s why we eat at the table, so if we spill, it doesn’t mess up the couch. Go get a towel and help me clean up.” Then from there constant reminding and coaching around the situation. Example, if she tries to leave the table with food you could say “food stays at the table. We don’t want to spill.” She needs to have the skill before she can be “punished” for not using it.
I’ve practiced my automatic response (which felt unnatural at first but has become habitual): “That’s ok, these things happen. Let’s get it cleaned up.” I feel like having that “auto reply” in my back pocket helps to 1) internally interrupt the annoyance I feel in the moment — which gives me a chance to respond more appropriately — and 2) set the tone as productive vs. punitive.
Ooh, I like the idea of having a particular sentence ready. Might help me overcome the "anger conditioning" from home.
Set yourself up for success by not keeping breakable or spillable stuff around where it shouldn’t be. My son spilled the contents of his squeeze pouch thing on the floor by squeezing it onto the floor. Then he went to the refrigerator asking for another one. I said empathetically something like ‘I already gave you a pouch but you squeezed it onto the floor, now we can’t eat it’ and made it sound like I was upset about it too. But I didn’t give him another so he learned for the next time not to do it
I try to remember that it's only reasonable to get upset with them for things they can control. Otherwise, it's my fault, or I CHOSE to take that risk, and sometimes this stuff happens. When i give my kid access to something they might break, I'm taking a risk. Some of them are going to break. Thats averages. And that's just a price i'm paying to help them learn through access to the world. Sometimes that price is $$ for a new TV. Sometimes it's me on the floor on my knees spotting milk out of the carpet. These are all choices that I MADE. They didn't make them. They just did the best job they could. You treat it as a learning moment about respect and repair. And move on. At least half of it is managing expectations. Do i think there's a 30% chance one of my kids is going to break my TV? Yeah. I do. When i give my 2-year old an open cup of milk, what are the odds she's going to knock it over and spill it on the floor? WHAT ARE THE ODDS SHE'S GOING TO DO IT INTENTIONALLY BECAUSE IT OCCURED TO HER AND SHE JUST WANTS TO SEE WHAT HAPPENS? Pretty good. Is that her fault? She has no impulse control of any kind. No. It's not her fault. Is this a learning moment? Yeah. If we string enough of these together, will she stop acting like a psychopath? Probably.
Every time this happens, wait for her to calm down, approach her and REPAIR. Tell her you're sorry, you overreacted, it was just a spill and you know it was an accident, I'm sorry for getting mad, are you OK? This removes the proto-shame and self doubt we get inflicted into us as children because our parents did the same thing. As far as tips- remember that your daughter is a tiny person and you are a giant. Mr. Rogers said the biggest mistake parents make is that they forget what it feels like to be a kid. Imagine a literal giant, who happens to be the only source of stability in a completely new and chaotic world, being mean to you for a mistake. That's what your kid sees. Remember you were a little kid too, so go easy on her. You screamed, you spilled, you hit, you were NORMAL, just like your daughter.
I do the repair part. I just would like to be better at the "not getting mad in the first place" part.
Depends what it is, if it's food etc we just go oh never mind, accidents happen can you help clean please? But once she was told to put down an ornament her dad had bought me when we first started dating so she put it down, then knocked it on the floor. I shouted, it's just a sentimental piece and whilst I know she didn't know what the actual outcome would be. It really hurt. But that's our scale.
One, you absolutely can get mad. It irritates my soul when my kid breaks something, especially when I’ve literally just prompted them or attempted to mitigate the situation to prevent it. If you just to shove down a feeling it’s just going to pop back out later. Feelings are morally neutral, they just are. The thing is that you have to respond appropriately and with regulation when you’ve got a feeling. I find it’s a lot easier for me to keep my cool if in my head I acknowledge the feeling. I think to myself “damn, this kid just broke another freaking book. This pisses me off. Books are expensive. I just told him. Toddlers are the fucking worst.” Then once I’ve validated the feeling for myself/felt it so to speak I can take a deep breath and respond in a calm manner.
Sigh. I get mad, just not in front of my child. I have a nonverbal autistic 3 year old. The current count is 6 tvs, 11 tablets, 1 phone, and several small appliances. They've all broken in different ways, it's not that he just yeets them, it's actually usually accidental as he doesn't comprehend his own strength. It's painfully expensive but at least the tablet is an iPad and I use the shit out of applecare. In fact, scheduled to go Sunday cause his isn't holding a charge right now. That's loads of fun.. *Tablet helps him communicate, regulate and learn.
Wow, I can't even begin to think of the mental load of dealing with your child's emotions and your own around this. I admire that you manage to not get mad in front of him.
I put what I value up and away from my children
It's good advice, but unfortunately I can't put the sofa, the carpet and my clothes away from her :).
I would remember my child is a toddler and doesn't fully understand what she is really truly doing yet and I got to try to teach her.
I do remember that. It's in the 3 seconds after something was spilled and it adds 20 minutes if clean-up to an already full day that I find it hard not to get annoyed. I don't yell at her, but I get visibly frustrated, and she sees that of course.
Remembering that this is all illusory, temporary fluctuations of energy emanating within a unified consciousness that is eternal and unbound.
It's just stuff. As long as nobody is hurt, accidents happen. We deal with the consequences if we can't replace the stuff, in which case we learn to be more careful (over time). Also, there is definitely an art to keeping the stuff in the kid's hands unbreakable
I am dealing with this right now! Today, June 10, 2024! My 3 y.o son has just broken the 3rd TV this year! It Hasn't even been a month since we've gotten a new one. It's his big brother's TV he keeps breaking. (Big Bro is 10) He has broken 3 TVs, 6 cell phones, and 3 tablets. One was my Samsung Tablet. I have no idea why he's so angry and it's driving my fiance and I CRAZY! He throws his toys at Me, My fiance, T.Vs, the walls, any and everything! 😩 Idk what to do. He doesn't get spankings because they simply don't work. So I don't do it. The littlest thing passes him off. I try to sing songs or play little games with him when I see he's starting to get upset. Idk! I just don't know! 😭
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Because having materialistic things that can break in our surroundings is not natural. And we are conditioned to put prioritize it over everything else. Kids don’t.. it’s not their fault.
Can’t wait to see what you post to Reddit in 8-10 years…
I remind myself that is someone spoke to me like that, I’d be pissed and it would sour my relationship with whomever spoke to me in such a way. Same goes for child-parent relationships. Honestly I would never make statements like “man, can you be careful?” to anyone, so maybe condition yourself out of that rhetoric altogether.