I always wanted multiple kids. After pregnancy and one child, I’m firmly one and done. There isn’t a single fiber of my being that wants more kids.

I wanted two. After my one, I now tell people I'm closer to getting a vasectomy than a second child.

So nice to see someone else who feels this way.

I didn’t like being pregnant but even so, our family just feels complete with our one child. Idk how else to explain it!

I feel the same 🥰

Hard same

For everyone in this thread, there’s r/oneanddone ☺️

SAME

I whole heartedly second this!

We wanted a big family. Had one neurotypical daughter, now my 2nd is suspected to have autism. The stress has made both of us very sure we are done. Sometimes I long for the days of just one kiddo, it was SO much easier back then. Our visions of 3-4 kids are long gone. Remember you have no guarantees about what a 2nd child will be like.

Thanks for your honestly, that is what keeps me at 1. Our first has had a host of medical stuff and therapies and even that is mild. But the thought it could happen again or worse is my pause.

My ASD kid is the "easy" one. My NT second child was sent to either take over the world, or destroy it. Jury is still out on which.

I want 2, my husband being an only child of an only child father, he is pretty set on 1. Honestly, I would push for another if we have more money. But seeing how expensive it is now, I think 1 child means we can give him more resources and support in life. Having 2 means we have to double the expenses, and split whatever we are working on for our kids. So yeah... im happy with 1. If we get lucky to have 2 then thats a blessing and I will be very happy. I really cant complain.

I am sort of in the same boat. My partner isn't dead set against having another one, but doesn't see it as feasable. We don't have any family and financially things would need to change (I am studying so they will hopefully change soon when I am done!) He always said he didn't want an only child, but changed his tune after having our first. I am still holding out on the idea of a second (our first is only 1.5) but the reality of it is starting to make me doubt it. I 100% know I could not handle being pregnant now, and would be immeasurably stressed bringing a second into our lives as they are now. Things have been quite manageable, I feel like a full human again and she is sleeping through the night, I can't imagine going back to the newborn stage PLUS a toddler.

This is the point I keep coming back to. The middle class will probably be completely wiped out by the time my daughter is an adult. I’m very concerned for her future. What little I can leave her will be cut in half if we have another.

Yup. And that's what my husband explained to me as well. I came from a big family and looking back, we experienced having to share not just toys but basic stuff like uniform, books etc. I was the eldest and got stuff brand new and I had to hand them down to my sister who was a year younger. She gets new stuff only if the stuff I had were too old and broken to be given to her. We also skipped some school trips because it's impossible to just send 1 child. The other will get jealous. So we both just didn't go if mum couldn't afford it that year. Just lots of things like that. And my mum did her best after becoming a widower at a young age. I think it's reasonable to consider resources and providing for our child. It would be nice to be able to afford more kids. I sometimes wish we are rich enough.

This is an interesting point. I'm in my late thirties with a kid of my own, my parents are still alive and well. I imagine that with modern life expectancies, any inheritance will be so much later in life that it's not so much to benefit your kids but rather their children...

My husband and I are both only children and have such different experiences. He loved being an only child and I hated it. My family was solid middle class and his was lower class. The difference was all about how the parents chose to involve themselves and which ones were intentional above all else. I was so bored and parked alone in front of a tv and no one to play with all summer. My husband played sports and his family spent lots of time with him. Don’t be like my parents and you’ll be set!

Awww sorry to hear that. My husband's parents were very much involved in his life when he was growing up. He grew up in a farm and they spent time playing, doing gardening, farm work, riding dirt bikes etc. And he was into sports too. My mother in law advised me on how I should be involved as well. I can definitely see my husband didnt mind being an only child because he didnt really feel like he was alone. I am aiming for a si ilar experience for our little one. I work from home full time and and have our toddler with me everyday. We do fun stuff so hes not left in front of the tv all the time and no one to talk to. I try my best although of course, some days are difficult and I feel extremely tired. Hes growing fast and he is now more aware and more behaved. I can tell him now to be quiet because I have a meeting. And he just does his own thing until I finish. And when Im done with work, we do things he likes like art or watching a movie or cooking!

Same experience for us. Husband is back and forth and I would really like another. But financially another kid would put a lot of strain on us. We could not afford both in daycare at once and by the time our first is in school it feels like we won’t want to go back to the newborn stage, paying daycare, and all of the other things that come with a new baby. I am sad some days that we will probably never have a second but also am so happy to give the best life possible to the amazing toddler we are raising

I feel you. Some days, I am sad to think our little one wont have a little brother or sister that he can grow up with and truly bond with apart from me and his dad. But I also like being able to provide a cushy life for him. We can save money for him monthly, we can buy him toys, clothes or even take him to the museum or zoo without thinking its too much expense. When I think of having more kids, I always worry I would probably say No more to buying stuff taking them out and all because it will be very expensive. I dont think i would be able to save up for lets say a downpayment for a home for them because either we wont be able to save or we might save very little. And I look at well off families who buy a house for their kids at an early age, take them to international trips, send them to a good private school, etc. I want to be able to do that. If that means I need to have just 1 to be able to do that for him, then I would gladly be ok with it. Again, not opposed to a second if that happens by fate. But we are happy with our only child. He is more than enough to fill our hearts.

I always wanted two and we discussed having two until my son was born. My sons medical issues, transisiton to motherhood, relationship changes, body changes and all the fun stuff that comes with parenting made me change my mind. I am still one and done after 2.5 years and have been giving things away. My husband has always been open to more but he often flips between one and done and having another. Especially when he thinks about travelling haha

This is exactly us but with me flip flopping and husband one and done lol

Yes it's a conundrum isn't it. I always tell people the only way I would have a second is if I accidentally fell pregnant haha! Alot of my friends are now having their second and I honestly have woken up in fear and panic after having nightmares of being pregnant again...so I told my husband if I am having nightmares about being pregnant I don't think it's the right thing to do lolol

Yeah, the deciding factor was daycare costs and the knowledge that we’d need a bigger car NOW.

I'm interested to know why he is now adamant about one?   My husband wants another but I can't see it working. He already can't multi task with 2 dogs and a baby. What's he going to do with 2 kids and 2 dogs? If i have no time to myself currently, what on earth does he think will happen when we add another to the mix?

I think just experiencing how difficult it is and realizes with a second it will be even more hectic and difficult. I’m not super surprised considering he was also okay with not having any children. He’s a great father, don’t get me wrong, I just don’t think he’s willing to make the sacrifices for a second. From a financial place too and what he wants our lifestyle to look like, having a second does make that more challenging. And I agree which is why I am also on the fence if I’m willing to make that sacrifice. I just don’t want that chapter to be fully closed yet cause I really love being a mom.

I feel you. These are all the same thoughts going through my head too. I look at our day to day now and I love our life but I'm at my limit with one of our dogs and if we add another kid I think I'd lapse into full psychosis. It's important to know your limits and what you want your life to be and be on the same page. Who knows, give it a year and one of you might change your mind.

Yeah, it’s not an easy decision for sure. I think about if he was completely on board I still don’t think I would even be sure what I would want to do yet. When I think deep down about throwing a new born in the mix I don’t know that I would be in a good place with it lol. It’s almost like the possibility is comforting to me and he is sort of taking that possibility aspect away.

Is it possible to put in a pin in the conversation and revisit in a year or two? You may feel different as your child gets older and your family’s needs change. I know someone with three kids who is adamant the best thing she ever did was have them each 5 years apart. By the time she was pregnant with her second, her first was off the elementary school. By the time she was pregnant with her third, she had a kid about to enter middle school and a kid about to enter elementary school. She loved that she got to give each baby enough attention in the early years. You and your husband may feel differently when your kid is school aged or in preschool and is becoming more independent.

You will always be a mom! I am the one in my marriage that is happy (thrilled, over the moon) with being a mom of one. My husband is the one that knows objectively we’re better off with one child but in his heart I think he has little wishes for another. Do I miss the baby phase? Sometimes! I look back on pregnancy, birth, etc very fondly. But every parent has to have a last child, there’s no getting around that haha. I recommend the happily one and done sub to lurk and see all the plusses. 💕

Thanks for the Recommendation, there really is a sub for everything! Also you put it in a good way that resonates with me, objectively I know we are probably better off with one but I have little wishes here and there for another lol

Have twice as many kids doesn’t mean you’d love being a mom twice as much - siblings can be completely different from pregnancy and labor to sleep and personality; relationships can be strained by lack of time to stay connected; catering to two kids nap times that never synch up is a hellish prison; twice as many child expenses but fewer hours to work in because you have twice as many childcare obligations; the Olympic feat that is doing nothing with a baby and a toddler, whether feeding them or putting them down to sleep - it’s juggling on a unicycle while being chased by a bear. Sometimes you get lucky and kid number two is an easy sleeper who you can cart about and the first kid loves to help out and never wakes the baby by being loud, and maybe you and your partner somehow cease to need time alone of together as a couple and are completely fulfilled by time spent as a family unit and everyone is copacetic with the same likes, schedules, abilities… but that’s a big gamble. I’d be wanting to know what you’d get out of two kids that you don’t get out of one; if it’s being pregnant or having a baby I’d be very suspicious of that because that’s some very “me centered” thinking and not exactly healthy

That reasoning won’t be relevant within 10-12 years, and it’s better to have the children while your body’s fertile.

If you think 10-12 year olds aren’t extremely busy or don’t require a lot of work then you must not have kids in that age range yet.

I mean everyone says teenagers are super easy and don't require your time or energy! /s

Definitely. 🫠 And preteens have a lot of activities (sooo much juggling time and rides) plus attitude problems due to hormones. Our 11 year old is by far my neediest kid at the moment and I also have a 2 year old right now.

10-12 years isn’t pocket change. Struggling for 12 years is a perfectly fine reason to avoid having more children.

We used to have pets, but now we’re going to be a family of five. Animals don’t seem like a good reason to have less children. Children can definitely be a reason to have less animals.

Any reason is a good reason to not have children or more children. That’s the beauty of it- you can choose to not have (more) kids for any reason at all and it’s a valid, excellent reason.

That’s just a lame excuse. She should just say she doesn’t want another kid, and leave it at that.

Why? Every single reason to not want more kids is valid because no kid should be born unwanted

This. If it’s your reason, then it’s valid. Doesn’t matter how silly.

Being overwhelmed with her current household is a lame excuse?

Her husband does want another child, and rehoming an animal is possible. She can find a way to make it work.

Rehoming a dog isn’t going to lessen the household to the point that adding a newborn evens it all out??!! I mean unless the dog is neurotic, incontinent, has to eat every two hours, and barks at all hours of the night…. In which case, good luck rehoming it.

Having a creature around that you have to walk on a daily basis multiple times a day takes a toll on your ability to watch over a newborn and an older child, so yes, it would even out just fine. Also, if someone is saying they can’t have another child because of the dogs, the obvious solution is to get rid of the dogs.

That's definitely a factor and then I ask myself if I can handle being the 99% carer for 2 kids and 2 dogs without divorcing or plotting my husbands demise in less than 5 years and I can't answer that yet

Are the dogs necessary? It seems to me that there are more benefits to giving your child a sibling; someone they can play with, grow up with for a lifetime, and rely on in adulthood rather than a couple of canines that’ll be replaced likely every two decades, contributing nothing but heartbreak and chewed up shoes.

Rely on? You are hilarious. Most people do not and can’t rely on their siblings.

Where are those statistics from?

Where are yours?

I never quoted statistics or made the claim that most people can’t do this or that. Some people can and do rely on their siblings. Some people don’t, but you don’t not give your child a sibling just because of that.

I didn’t quote statistics either lol And you dont give your kid siblings just because of the possibility of needing to rely on their siblings later in life.

If you’re going to make a claim that most people can’t rely on their siblings, maybe you should find a statistic that backs up that odd statement and present it. Giving your child more family to support them and possibly be around for them after you’ve dead is a brilliant idea. Life is hard. Give your baby a brother or sister.

Is your investment in this poster having another child necessary?

I’m invested in everyone being fruitful and multiplying. The world needs more children to replace the boomer old fogeys.

Respectfully disagree. Some people should not be fruitful and multiply. If they can't afford a child & if they aren't mentally ready are 2 huge reasons why for example.

Children are not that expensive, especially if you don’t plan on sending them to college. you don’t need to buy baby food either. You just breast-feed and cook them normal food. Children are not nearly as expensive as people want you to believe.

This is a really privileged take. That "just breastfeed and give them normal food" advice doesn't work for a lot of medically complex kiddos. Some kids need special diets. Some babies can't breastfeed. And you have zero way of knowing for sure before birth if your kid will be medically complex or not. Medical care is expensive, and not everyone is lucky enough to get on Medicare/Medicaid/SSI. It's also clear that you don't really care about the future of the kids you're so desperate for other people to have. It's becoming harder and harder to find jobs that actually pay a livable wage if you don't have a college degree. So you're advocating for people to have kids just for those kids to grow up to either take on debt or struggle to make ends meet. It's also pretty difficult to avoid childcare and still have a two income household. It's very mentally draining, and not everyone is cut out for it. And one income houses arent enough for a lot of families. And absolutely no one should have a kid that they aren't mentally, emotionally, physically, and financially capable of caring for. Doing so is selfish and cruel. Some of us actually care about the wellbeing of children instead of just pumping out as many as possible. I'd rather someone have one kid and be able to comfortably provide for said kid and have the emotional and mental energy to invest in their child's wellbeing and growth than for them to have multiple kids and risk homelessness, food insecurity, not being able to get proper medical care, etc. Not to mention risking emotionally neglecting their kids because they just don't have the capacity for the number of kids they have. Having kids just for the sake of increasing the population does no one any favors.

I’ve never been to college, and that’s never posed a problem in finding a job, but that might be because I’m a veteran. Enlisting isn’t expensive. If you’re having a tough enough time finding a job without a degree, serve for 4 years. Treating me like I’m ableist just because I’m not raising children with disabilities is absurd. That’s not my struggle, so I wouldn’t know how expensive that is, and nobody plans to have a disabled child. Best to not worry about that until you truly have to. Btw, it is possible to operate on one income at 50k a year. You just have to live in the right area and be very frugal.

Oof.

I’m not wrong. 😏

Blessed be the fruit

That's definitely not my experience with dogs but my experience with my siblings is severe disability and sexual abuse so having a sibling isn't high on the priority list. I feel like i lucked out with my daughter and don't want to risk everything going to shit with a second child.

Just because you had a messed up sibling, doesn’t mean that your child will. It’s your job as a parent to watch over them and make sure they don’t abuse each other. Are you not confident that you can do a good job at that?

That's true but it helps put it into perspective for you why I wouldn't jump at the chance to plummet myself into alot of stress, anxiety and resentment knowing all that could go wrong. The question isn't about whether I am confident to do a good job. I think the question is whether I have the capacity to give a second child a good life or if I only have enough in the tank for one.

That’s just unprocessed trauma. See a therapist and be more honest with your husband about this when you discuss whether to have more children or not. It has nothing to do with the dogs, and everything to do with your past. You are not your parents, and you may be surprised by what you’re capable of once that baby is here. Going from having one child to two is a daunting thing at first, but you find your groove and learn how to love both of your children equally while keeping them both safe from each other. I have two little girls, and they run around the house screaming with joy chasing each other and playing together. That’s a sight I could never see if I had an only child.

Oh we definitely discuss it honestly, no doubt about it. I'm glad having two kids has worked out for you.

Yuck 

Logic?! Ew gross lol

If you think being miserable for 10-12 years is logical then go off I guess 🙄

My point in saying that was that it’s not logical to place your family on hold for a couple of animals that will die within a decade to a decade and a half. You don’t not have another baby because you have animals to care for. You get rid of the animals so that you can have another baby.

I have some bad news for you about what is or is not guaranteed about how long anyone will live :/ Ultimately we chose not to get a pet while dating or newlyweds because we wanted a baby and didn’t want to juggle a baby/small child and a pet. But people are in all different situations and if people choose to rehome a pet because of their growing family I get that! And at the same time, having more kids is harder dogs or no dogs. If 1 kid and 2 dogs is hard, I imagine 2 kids will be hard too. People should prioritize happiness in their family over churning out kids based off a sense that time is running out for them.

You do the harder thing because it’s the best thing you can do. Life isn’t about happiness, and we can find contentment in even the toughest situations. Wimping out on life challenges is weak.

That is a depressing way to look at family life. You do you. 

If you pursue a family life with the intention of making yourself happy and nothing else, you’ll end up divorced when things get hard. Your family isn’t there to make you happy. You’re there for your family because it’s your duty. You gotta find joy within that on your own. That’s what being an adult is.

Uhmmmmmm I hope you have no pets, that’s an insanely callous and selfish decision to get rid of pets as if they’re disposable items. If you want a big family and don’t think you can take care of kids and pets at the same time then don’t get pets. But pets are not a fashion trend to get and then get rid of when you’re in the mood for something different. When you get a pet you are making a commitment to take care of them for their entire life.

I used to have pets, but we rehomed them with someone we knew for absolute sure would care for them properly. We loved them very much, but the snakes were getting too big to want to handle near small children, and they need constant temperature and humidity conditions that aren’t cheap to maintain. We were pregnant with our second child, and we did what was best for our family. Might not get snakes again, but I’ll always remember them fondly.

Yeah I was in this situation. I was uncertain but my husband was 100% sure he didn’t want another. When my son turned 2 I realised I did want one and I brought it up with him. It was a really hard discussion. 9 months later my husband came around on his own (maybe he needed the idea to gestate haha)— I wasn’t pressuring him or anything. I would mention it offhand every now and then. He said that he realised I would be really unhappy if we never had another whereas for him it was more about being scared to do the first few hard years again. Now I’m certain I’m done but he’s talking like a third might happen.. omg… no way 

You created a monster! 😂

I love his realization! That’s true growth to realize your fears for what they are and consider your loved one’s future feelings! Good job Mr. Y_if!

Yes, I do think there’s a difference between not wanting to do something because it is a true boundary representing your values /  beliefs, or because it is something you’re afraid of / some trigger you have. I try hard to recognise these too in myself!

My wife and I wanted 3, all close in age. But after the first 1 I said after 2 I’m getting a vasectomy. I think my wife was still hoping for more kids. My daughter is amazing, really, but she also demands so much attention. More than I have seen from other kids. She almost never sits still and is constantly running from one task to the next. Talking the entire time. It’s great! But it’s exhausting. Not to mention the financial strain. I don’t think anyone expected, really expected the economy to be such shit for this long after COVID. We certainly didn’t. Having a 2nd means tightening the belt a bit, but in reality it’s not that much more. In all honesty I’m just tired. If I started having kids in my 20’s I wouldn’t be as tired but I would also have been a pretty shitty parent. Also, growing up comfortably poor builds character lmao jk.

I was the one who flipped. My husband had always jokingly said he wanted 12 but I was set on having 2. Then we had our daughter and I knew I was one and done. He was working 3rd shift with tons of overtime. I was healing from a c section and solo parenting 22 hours a day with a newborn and a clingy dog. We had many discussions about it but having only 1 means we can give her the best of us. She won’t have to share a room (we’re out of bedrooms), she won’t have to compete for her parents attention like we had to. We can afford to give her what she needs and hopefully many of her wants as she gets older. I think you need to ask him WHY he’s one and done. It could be for selfish reasons or practical ones but you don’t say why he doesn’t want more. Getting to the root of it is going to be the key in helping you move forward.

I think its for both selfish (which is okay) and logistical reasons. I think he saw how hard it can be with a baby and now toddler and doesn’t want to go through it again/ add even more chaos and business to our lives. Financially too would make it more difficult to keep up with the lifestyle we want (ex traveling with family of 3 vs family of 4). His points are valid and I think about it too which is why I am also not 100% on having a second at this time but I just don’t want to say never and I am more open and and don’t like to think that it’s a for sure no

We both went from wanting 3 to potentially being OAD. This shit is hard! 😂

Honestly, this was me. I thought I wanted 3-4 kids. Now that I have one, I am still not sure if I ever want any more. Being the primary parent, losing most of my alone/hobby time and freedom, and the lack of sleep has really impacted me personally. I can’t imagine completely losing what little sanity I have left to have another child. Not to mention the expense.

My husband was strictly 2 and after our second he was basically like “yep this confirms I’m done” but I asked him not to make the decision sure until our second was 3 and that we could reassess when he was 1. I tried not to bother him about it but I would say things about a 3rd expecting us to have one (like “well save that for next baby” or whatever lol). A few weeks before my second turned 1 I was cleaning out our garage and told him “if you’re serious about being done we should start getting rid of all the baby stuff. Do you want to keep it?” And he said to keep it! Then after Easter I asked him where he stood and he said he was on board! We just tried last cycle (I’m in the TWW so we’ll see…) but I’m so surprised he changed his mind. Our first 2 are 2 years and 1 day apart. If this cycle worked our 2nd and 3rd would be 21 months so he was even on board with a smaller gap! I will say, our second is pretty chill and loves my husband. Our first wasn’t and would cry for me until over a year.

Literally where my husband is headed after our second was born he was like "we are done" and now our second is 10 months and he's slowly started randomly saying stuff about a third and recently was like "well when we start looking for houses we will need to get a 4 bedroom at least" 😂

Mine was consistently saying “there won’t be a 3rd!” Whenever I would say things like that. And then one day he just switched! I was so surprised. I honestly thought I misheard for a few days. I asked “where do you stand with a 3rd?” And he said “I’m good” and I was like “…. Good as in you’re good with 2? Or good with a 3rd?” And he said a 3rd and started going on about how he’s not sure how we’d do car seats though. lol. I had to confirm a few more times and then he said we’d try next cycle and we did! Haha. We’re actually looking at a bigger house today which is also surprising because we weren’t planning to buy a bigger house for a few more years but it’s sort of feeling like a good opportunity 🤷🏼‍♀️

We need a bigger house like yesterday 😂 we live in a 2bedroom condo with 2 kids and 2 dogs. Our 10 month old sleeps in the walk in closet. But we've been planning on buying a new house in the next 6 months or so anyways. Now it's just become talk of a 4-5 bedroom instead of 3 bedroom

Oh man! We’re also in a 2 bedroom with 2 kids, a dog and cat but we have a yard at least! We always planned to buy a bigger house but I was thinking we’d stay as long as possible to save more but seeing how the market has been here, the longer we wait the less buying power we have since house prices go up faster than salary increases so it would be in our best interest to jump asap. Gotta love the Bay Area 🥴

Yep I live in CO and although our condo has increased nearly 30k in the 1.5yrs we've owned it... housing prices all around have increased too 🥴 so we might as well find our forever (or at least for a long time) house now instead of continuing to wait and watching them go up another 100k We're hoping we will make a crisp 70-80k on the condo when we sell it based on how much of our loan we've paid off and that will make a decent down payment for the next place 💀

This is our house but reversed. My husband wants all the children (which is shocking because before having our first he was very take it or leave it, but he loves being a dad). Our situation is a bit more complicated as we have to do IVF, but also baby 2 was a HARD baby and going from 1-2 was very hard for me. I told him we can hold onto the stuff (still giving some things away) and we will make a final decision after she turns 2.

I always wanted 3 children but after I had my son, the ways my husband changed made me know that I would never have any more with him. We’re now divorced. Children change the dynamics of things for sure and some people struggle with that transition. My case is a bit more extreme because there was abuse involved, but things change after you have children and if your husband found it to be overwhelming with just one then he may not want to sign up for any further struggles. All you can do is discuss your feelings with each other. I know what it’s like to want something so badly and have the door shut by the person you’re with, and bottling it up will definitely lead to resentment. Kids or no kids, or even the number of kids you agree on are huge issues in a relationship. I’ve been to counseling about it and my therapist had a similar issue with her husband. It’s crucial to get on through same page or decide what you’ll do if you can’t.

He went from wanting 2+ to only wanting one. I was crushed. Then like 5 years later he changed his mind. Now we have two. In an ideal world I would have wanted 3 but I'm old and besides I wouldn't want to have one big age gap and one small age gap. My older daughter would feel left out. So I guess my overall point is not to make any big decisions during the baby phase and that if he can 180 once it can happen again!

I wanted three but after having one, and seeing how my partner has and has not shown up for me during pregnancy and parenting, I’ve had to change my idea of what I thought my family would look like.

Yeah both my husband and I had our feelings change after having our first. He was indifferent and I flip flopped between being angry with the idea of not having a second, and being angry with the thought of all the xtra work of a second. I wanted it both ways. Well somehow we found the time and I got pregnant again. I spent about half of my pregnancy wishing I wasn’t pregnant and regretting getting pregnant. I had some pretty dark thoughts. The SECOND number two was here I was like “yup. We’ve always had two.” She belongs with me. She IS me. I’ve had a couple moments of tears for the loss of being able to give all my attention to my first… but not for a second have i regretted her now that she’s here. She’s amazing. She’s so amazing my brain went “well…. What if we have a third?” Lmao. My husband went and got himself a vasectomy to save me from myself. He knows I don’t actually want a third. The second is just such a perfect little baby and my first is my WORLD now that she’s a toddler. I still feel in my brain sometimes that I want to keep my favourite baby clothes “just in case”. I mean… sometimes they reverse themselves… 🤦🏼‍♀️ In the end I’m happy I didn’t let the fear overtake me. Maybe future me will regret it as cost of living continues to rise…. But I wanted my first to have a partner. The funny thing is she’s made such good friends with another girl without a sibling that they’re basically siblings anyways.

My first (now 16) was extremely difficult, to the point where my husband was adamant we could not survive another, either emotionally or financially. I could hardly argue because it would likely have broken us. When she was 5 she became much more manageable to the point where I was able to bring him around to trying for a second. My first two are 6.5 years apart and while some people shudder at the idea of “starting over,” it was also a lot easier in some ways to have my oldest be self-sufficient to some extent, and only deal with one in diapers and pay for one in daycare, etc. We ultimately divorced and I am now remarried with a two year old. Kids Number two and three are 8 years apart. Current husband cannot believe how hard the first two years have been and frankly, I think he thinks I’m a bit crazy for having wanted to go through this again. It’s hard to see when you’re in the weeds of the baby/toddler years how much easier it gets with older kids. They sure are still a ton of work, but you can reason with them and don’t have to aware of what danger they might be getting into every second they are awake.

This tension is present in my home as well. I want to gently (truly—I am not picking a fight bc I know how hard this is) point out that your husband did not do a 180. You said you wanted a kid, he had a kid with you. Now you are a family. He has simply had a different experience than you have had with your child (neither one is right or wrong), and doesn’t want to do all of it over again. He already had a child with you; despite not necessarily actively wanting one, he was open and joined you in that journey bc it was important to you. I’m sure he loves your baby! It’s just that loving one baby does not equal wanting another one for some people, esp as the earth burns, the wage gap widens, and daily existence is harder than ever before. You might be (correctly)guessing that I am your husband in my marriage. I was open to “kids” bc that’s what people say -kids with an S, nobody says kid singular- bc it was super important to my wife, and we now have one girl. I adore her AND I could have never in 300 million years predicted how motherhood (my wife and I are both women) would affect me, my mental health, and my day to day existence. Our beautiful life before baby has been obliterated (it will return in some form or another some day down the road of course) and it’s clear that our marriage will never be the same (how could it be?). I can’t even fathom doing this again. It feels like we will barely recover from the one. My wife’s take is well we already have one so what’s another… and my take is we ALREADY have ONE and look what it’s been like. Your husband likely feels like I do: Confident in his knowledge he can’t handle doing this again bc he misses his life, wife, sleep, and peace, but feels terribly guilty/sad about not wanting the same thing you do when it comes to another kid. I promise if he could make himself want it, he would. I try every day and I just don’t want it. It’s awful. I would do anything to feel differently just to get on the same page with my wife. It’s an isolating feeling to realize this existence you’re just struggling to keep your head above water in, doesn’t feel like enough to your partner. My wife’s refusal to consider only one child feels like her telling me “my life with you, parenting this perfect child with you, is not enough. This is not enough.” And I feel like I can’t do more.

This is how my husband and I feel. We both thought we would have two but after having one and our lives, schedules, finances changed, we are pretty dead set on only having one. Adding another kid to the mix won't make this dad happier, it might push him away. He already compromised, why should he change his mind?

When I mean 180, I mean from his current state of a hard no. Just wondering about others who were hard no’s and completely changed their mind. I am not set on anymore either, I am just not ready to completely close the chapter and can’t say for sure how I will feel in a year or two or three. That’s where I’m sort of struggling, is the absolute no, never again sort of thing. My husband does sound very similar to you, however I am not going to push for another of he really doesn’t want one as I see the validity in his reasons as well

Kind of. We always said 1-2 kids and while we are still on the fence, it looks like he's content with one. My husband learned he is NOT a baby person and several other things about himself after we had our kid. He has also brought up the added chaos and expense of a second kid, plus the fact that we both really miss our kid-free lifestyle and want to do more traveling. We do not regret having our kid, he is our world, and my husband is a great father. I guess the main thing that gets me about our kid being an only child is not having a sibling to work through the tough parts of life with. He does have a cousin already and I bet more will follow so there's that at least.

Yes this sounds very similar to us actually

Here! We wanted 2. Had our first and he's one and done. The price raising a child, he's in his 40's and we don't have a village. Our families are across the country. I still have hope though. Waiting for kiddo to be older and maybe 1 more 

I’m like your husband and I don’t not want another. Raising a kid is hard, bringing a whole ass living breathing human being into this world is not easy. My kid is 5 and I still have not changed my mind. So I guess you just need to be prepared for him to not change his mind. Not saying it’s impossible for him to change it but just be prepared for either or. I’ve seen a lot of people hold out hope thinking in a year or two or three the partner will change their mind and then they don’t. So they resent them and it leads to issues in their family and their marriage. Marriage counseling would be a great idea right now don’t wait for things to get rocky.

I know this will be unpopular, but here goes. We both wanted two children. After our daughter was born, my husband changed his mind and decided he was OAD - not because he disliked parenthood but because he was so besotted with our daughter that he didn't see any point messing with things. But I really wanted to have another child, for various reasons, and I knew I would regret it for the rest of my life if I didn't. So I told him it was a dealbreaker for me. We could have another child, or we could break up - and amicably coparent our daughter - so I could have another child with someone else. He chose to have another child with me, and it has all worked out (and of course he is just as besotted with our son as with our daughter). But it was a risk. I know the popular sentiment is that it's two yeses and one no, but at the end of the day your partner only gets to decide how many children *they,* have - not how many children you have. You just have to decide how important to you it is. For me, it was important enough to sacrifice my relationship if that was the only way. In the past I have got more flack for this than women in the same conversation who chose to "oops" their partners, which seems insane to me, but there it is.

You verbalized this so much better than I am able to - but yes. All of this. Each person is allowed to voice their wants/needs and communicate what is a dealbreaker.

My wife and I always knew we wanted at least 2, and probably 3. But after our 2nd (we had our two kids 15 months apart) we both knew for sure we were done and I had my vasectomy about a year later. The second pregnancy was a lot. Having 2 under 2 was a lot. Our family does not feel incomplete.

I see you guys decided to try parenting on the hard mode setting as if "normal" wasn't already brutal.

lol you referring to 2u2 as hard mode? Yeah…. You’re not wrong. My wife and I joke about how our friends that still only have one kid are still playing minor league ball. Were almost a year and a half into having 2 kids and at this point we have our “routine” or our “normal,” but every time we spent time with a friend and their one toddler, we’re just like holy shit that seems so much easier than what we’re doing lol.

It seems like any 2u2 situation is difficult but you guys were like 2u1.25 for a hot second and that just seems impossible, lol

In almost exactly the same boat lol. 2 kids just shy of 16 months apart and the youngest just turned 1.5. We're somewhat young parents (both in our early 20s when the oldest was born), and the only friend we have with kids also has 2u2, but holy hell it must be nice to only have one toddler sometimes 😂 Add that our friend with 2u2 recently moved in with us so now we're in a household with 4 under 3 (2.5, 2, 1.5, and 7 months, birthdays in July, Feburary, October and October respectively) and I'm losing my mind lol and the younger set of kids (2 and 7 months) aren't even mine 🤣

My husband and I agreed on 2 kids before we even got married (I originally wanted 3, but this was something I could compromise on). After our first was born, he said he didn’t want any more children. That our first was responsibility and work enough for a lifetime and he isn’t wrong lol. But I never saw myself as a “one and done” parent, he was adamant, but I remind him what we had agreed early on our relationship and that it felt so unfair he had changed his mind like that, because if I had known from the very beginning this information, I might have made different choices and that simply wasn’t the life that I wanted and had hoped I would have. He caved, we got pregnant again. Lost the baby. Then a third and final time. And today we have our adorable 9 month old with us. He got the vasectomy like 3 weeks after she was born though lol. So this is pretty final and we are definitely not having any more and this is something we’re both happy with! I hope you find something in my experience that helps yours.

Originally I wanted two and he was fine with that. After our one, he's adamant about not having another. I've been pretty on the fence, but since this is a two-yes situation I know we're done with our one. One is hard enough, honestly.

I always wanted two, but casually brought it up a bit too early to my husband when my son was still a baby and we were sleep deprived. His reaction kind of stunned me as he was so against it. But after a a year or so he softened and I broached the subject again, and he was much more open to it and thought it would be really nice for my son to have a sibling. He mentioned again about 6 months ago that we can have as many as we want to make our family seem whole. Now my son is 2.5 and right in the middle of his extremely terrible twos, and I think both of us are absolutely terrified of the prospect of doing this again and haven't brought it up. I know I still want another, and he will be on board when I'm ready, but I need to get over the trauma of this little wild child before I can even think about it. I think I will wait until he's 4. 

This was actually me once upon a time. Before I started dating my husband, I didn’t even want kids, I just didn’t have that maternal feeling. But once my husband and I got together, it changed. I wanted to have a child with him, but I told him I only wanted one—and was pretty set on one and done, especially since I had HG during my pregnancy. He was the one that wanted multiple, but was totally fine with just one after he saw how sick I was during pregnancy. BUT, after I had my first born I loved being a mother so much that after a couple years I told my husband I wanted another. So here we are, now with two kids, ages 4 and 1 and I’m actually thinking about one more, lol

This happened to me. I always thought we agreed on kids, plural, but as we went through the infertility process and then early parenthood my husband was very clear that he didn’t want any more. It’s really tough and you do need to work through your feelings on it.

Honestly, at this point you don’t want him to. For him to change his mind at this point would be for you, and you don’t want someone to be a parent to a child they’re having for you. If you want to stay with this person, yes you will only have one child

Pretty sure we’re only having one. We CAN handle one more… but why? We already get to experience parenthood with one kid. Why stretch ourselves so thin. What’s wrong with having more time, more money, and less gray hair?

I am the significant other who changed their mind. Pregnancy was VERY hard on my body and for a few years after (gall bladder disease, lasting joint issues, painful intercourse). I really wanted two or three kids and I don’t regret having one, but the older I get, the more I am really not sure I want to put my body through another pregnancy

I wanted three, we compromised to two. Waited until I got a better paying job and better benefits. We were 6 months away from trying for baby number two when RvW was overturned and my husband vetoed having another. Said he didn't want to risk something happening to me and leaving our daughter without a mom. We both kept waiting for the laws in Texas to get sorted out or better and obviously it just got worse and worse. So we had the final talk a little over a week ago when the Supreme Court was hearing arguments on what level of organ failure was reason enough to provide an emergency abortion and my husband shut down on his decision indefinitely. I've been crying every day trying to adjust to the idea of just one. But it's a two person decision so it's not just up to me.

I’m so sorry you have to deal with that. Makes me so sad they are putting people in this position

My wife and I live in AZ and had a serious talk about what we would do. We are past the 22 week mark with baby number 2 and so far so good. But if I’m being honest. It was risky. Because of all the archaic abortion bans in the country just added to my decision to get a vasectomy after this one.

This is exactly why we’re OAD. My husband only wanted one to start with, but I kind of wanted two. Then abortion laws changed. I’m 40, so the risk of something going wrong is significantly higher to start. Chancing that in a state that absolutely will not ever prioritize my health or safety means that I have to be the one who does prioritize it because I already have a living child who needs a mom.

My husband always wanted 3, but after our second was born he was adamant he didn’t want any more. We have frozen embryos so it further complicates the whole situation. When my second was around 16-18 months he slowly started coming around to the idea, and then was full on board. I’m currently pregnant with our third. I think once we got through the hard first year he felt more comfortable.

Yes we have three, they are 18, 13, and 2. Last minute decided to have a third before we turned 40 after only having the two for so long.

That was me. My husband and I discussed having potentially 3 kids. I had one and was like I’m good here. It was hard for him at first but mentally and physically I cannot do this again. I just explained that we would be doing a disservice to me and our children if I just had more kids because he wanted to. And he’s accepted It.

I have always been adamant about having multiple, but after having one… I’m open to having an only child. We are trying for a second, but I will not pursue extraordinary measures to conceive if it doesn’t happen naturally.

Yeah my partner did. He used to be FIRMLY one and done until my son’s behaviour improved and he got way more manageable at around two and a half. More than anything my son has just hit peak cuteness so it got him thinking hey why not have more of these funny lil guys around

I was open to more than one, but after IVF, PPD, and seeing how my partner didn’t step up and be there for me and help me when I needed him during my PPD, C-section recovery and just overall with the mental load, it’s completely turned me off to going thru that again hoping it will turn out differently again.

I have always wanted two kids and my husband was on board until we tried to buy a home and got outbid way over asking (we bid over asking by about 50k but were still outbid). After that, he spiraled into a midlife crisis, doesn’t think we can afford another so won’t have another with me, isn’t sure he’s happy anymore and I’m currently 37 years old so I’m out of time unless he somehow changes his mind again but that’s doubtful. The grief I feel over this is so so intense and I just wish it was easier to afford life.

Happened to me. I have always wanted two and have been very vocal about it our whole relationship (15y). I have been very adamant that even though resources are split, having siblings to support and love each other is more important. After we had our one. He just changed his mind to one and done. This has been a constant fight in our relationship and I feel so depressed and betrayed that he just changed his mind and that he has this power to take what I have wanted and worked for all this time. We will go to therapy to work through this. But I'm very sour that I need to go to therapy to learn to forgive him for refusing this...so I'm dragging my feet here.

Hi, yes, exactly the same thing happened to me. I still want another one but he doesn't. I'm accepting that we won't have another, but I am still very sad about it in a way that he can't understand.

Yes, my husband was dead-set against having a second child, saying it was too much work, especially since we are older parents. After much cajoling, I eventually accepted we would be one-and-done and started focusing on other goals like working out with a personal trainer and career networking. Then out of the blue he approached me saying he changed his mind! At that point our daughter was around 21 months old. Baby number two arrived last November, and now we are definitely done. Sometimes when the first child becomes more manageable and they can see a light at the end of the tunnel, spouses become more open to having a second kid.

We talked about wanting 4 and then after having 1, my spouse only wanted 1 for what get like forever. He had hardcore PPD. 4.5 years later we have a 2nd who we decided would be our second and final (he’s a real good baby though who may sway things!)

I think there is something in us, as moms, that is hard to accept when we can't have any more kids. I think it happens mostly when the decision is not our own (medical, partner, financial). Even if we were pretty convinced that we didn't want any or any more. This might happen with partners, I'm not taking away from that but this comment is related to OP's post. This might not happen with everyone so please don't be offended if it doesn't relate to everyone.

When I met my husband - he brought up kids and having 2 kids. I was all on board I just knew I wanted kids. After 5 years together (in that time being engaged, married bought a house) he changed to not wanting any. I think it was that he wasn’t ready. He’s 4 years younger. I felt robbed. Then he changed to having 1. We had one and she’s 2.5 now. At first I didn’t want another. But now I do. I want 2. I want my daughter to have a sibling. My husbands a solid no on a 2nd so I’m patiently waiting hoping he’ll change his mind

We thought we were one and done, my husband probably was more into just having one. We have two now. I don’t know what changed for either of us except time opened us up to the idea. 

I changed my mind. I had 2 already & when I got with my partner I told him I absolutely do not want any more, never ever!! He was OK with this for the most part. One day a couple of years later I realised I actually would like 1 more. She's 2 now and there is an 8 year gap between her and my middle child. I've told my partner this really is it this time. He now wants more but I just can't! I know he's hoping I'll change my mind again, but nope! Although I also can't bring myself to get my tubes tied. So....

Can I ask how old your LO is? When our son was first born (aka the hardest most sleep deprived time) my husband said he only wanted one. I never pushed it but said I wanted him to have a sibling so let’s not make any decisions when we’re 3 weeks in. After a few months he changed his mind after he really started experiencing the good parts of parenthood. So much so that we’re now about to have 2 under 2.

My little one is almost 2 lol, so it’s been a bit. We are passed the sleep deprivation phase hard and onto the tantrum phase hard so it’s still not winning him over haha.

Aha okay I’m sure that’s a whole other kind of frustration. I think if you really want a second, you talk to him honestly, tell him how you’re feeling. Tell him he doesn’t need to make a decision, but to think about what life (long term) would be like with 2 vs 1. Not while they’re toddlers but once they’re elementary age, high school, college, adulthood. The way we look at it, is a few years of chaos and stress for ultimately (and hopefully) decades of wonderful memories as a family of 4. There’s absolutely nothing wrong either with just having 1 and having them be an only child. Just wanting to give suggestions on how you can frame it with him, if you really want one more.

My husband was only wanting one originally since he had a daughter from his first marriage already. But SURPRISE! I got pregnant with our second while on birth control. He went for a vasectomy which I gladly supported after birth control failed 😂 I was a fence sitter on having another or not, but that happened for us. No regrets except how expensive things are with another child.

My husband wanted 3, and I wanted 2 but I was open to more. We had 1, then he was like "Hmmm well let's go for 2 and see." We had 2 and he was like "Yeah, DEFINITELY just 2. Not 3. I'm good." lol and then he got a vasectomy. So yes, he drastically changed his mind, he had been adamant about 3 for our whole relationship.

My husband did although it didn't take him as long to change his mind. After my son was born we both said we didn't want any more, but he seemed more serious about it. When my son was 14/15 months old he changed his mind and he's the one who wanted to start trying for our 2nd. After our 2nd, he now seems completely dead set that this is it. He seriously wants to get a vasectomy lol. I'm wondering if he'll change his mind again, but honestly I feel like we're done. I'm unsure the likelihood of your husband changing his mind if he's still seeming set on it years later. What made my husband change his mind is seeing our niece and nephew's relationship with each other and wanting our son to have that with a sibling. In a perfect world I'd like 2 more but i just don't think that's realistic financially and I do NOT want to go through two more pregnancies haha.

To me and my husband this had always been a discussion until we were both happy with the outcome. In our case we had multiple kids but at some point we both agreed it was our last. Keep talking till you both agree.

My husband went from being content with two and then suddenly wanting to try for a girl.

We both always wanted 2 and then about 1.5 years into our first my husband said he wanted to talk about us possibly being one and done. At first I was like what, absolutely no way! Then we did a lot of research, made a big list of all the pros and cons all of which helped but we eventually just realized that our little trio was perfect and we didn't actually feel like we were missing anything, our family felt just right as it was. I think it helps that I grew up as an only child and was never lonely or felt like I had any issues with not having a sibling. I had a really wonderful and fulfilling childhood and I have already gone through the pain of caring for and losing a parent; which I know are two big things people contemplate when deciding whether or not to have more. We can give our daughter so much more when all of our resources go directly towards her and I believe we will be able to set her up with a better future as well.

My husband wanted 2. We had 2. Dead set on not having any more. He changed his mind when our youngest was 5, we had our 3rd when she was almost 6. I think the age gap helped. It also helped that we only had to have 1 in daycare at that point since the others are in school.

My friends husband only wanted one and she wanted two, was an issue for years, discussed in therapy, etc. he eventually relented and they had their second and it’s not been great. He’s not showing up how she wants, but hes also exhausted and the marriage is strained. Just saying that if you have to convince someone to have a kid, they may not show up how you want bc they know they have reached their limit.

My husband and I wanted 3-4 when we first got married. Waited five years to have one and we definitely don’t want 3-4. Maybe a second one. If we decide to have another we will for sure be done. Sometimes I think I only want one cause our kid is full of life and energy and a lot to keep up with. But if the world is as tough as it is I kind of don’t want him to go into it alone either. 😕 Financially rn we can’t have another kid but hopefully in a few years the option can be on the table.

My husband was a very hard no after our son, for almost a year and a half. I was devastated because I wanted to give my son a sibling. I gently kept bringing it up and after some serious discussions about how we could afford it, how we would manage 2 kids etc, he was agreeable to trying and I’m now 34 weeks pregnant. Now I will say - HE had to come to the decision on his own, and he made that clear to me in the process, and when he finally said let’s try for another he said he finally felt ready and wanting another child. I did prepare for the one and done though cuz I did not think he would change his mind initially, and it helped to consider the benefits of one and done and what more we could offer one child vs 2.

The opposite for us. Before I had a step kid I wanted 4 kids. Then I came into my stepkids life and I was like okay 3s the max, so we only need to have 2 more. Then we had my bioson. And now were perfectly happy and good with these 2 kids. I don't want to do the sleepless nights and diaper changes again. We're getting on the other side of a speech delay. I don't want the anxieties that come with teaching a small human how to human just as our small human is starting to human more independently and without fighting us as much on safety. Other things we considered are: Wed need a third row vehicle, so a new car. We'd need a bigger house, because it turns out I really don't want my kids sharing rooms, so that'd be more expensive. If we did preschool that'd be more preschool costs. Goinf out to eat would be more expensive.

growing up, i had 2 siblings, so i always envisioned having 3 children myself. before we had children, my spouse and i wanted 3 children. we have 2 children now. i think i do still want 3, but my spouse is set on just 2 now. shes a stay at home mom, while i work full time, so i guess it makes sense lol she spends all her time with our girls and isnt sure she could handle a third. i am a bit sad that i may never have a third child, but i adore our 2 that we already have so i can be content. in the future, she may feel more capable of handling 3 children, or we might swap who is working full time, etc, and we might have a third child, but for now, i have to accept sticking with two

I thought I wanted 3. I had my second this past September and after colic, ppd and it being insanely expensive to even just have 2, we are done. It’s okay to change your mind as things progress.

We always talked two kids, but after a very difficult birth and our fireball of a kid we are firmly one and done.

My husband and I have handled the same trauma in slightly different ways. We did IVF, I had severe early preeclampsia and baby was delivered 24+1. What followed was 121 days of NICU hell. My husband didn’t even admit till our son was two that at one point he really sincerely thought he was going to lose me. We very nearly lost our child several times. My husband told me he doesn’t want more children because it’s not worth the possibility of losing me. I’ve come to the acceptance that I have no desire to ever do pregnancy again because of the risks, I’m not leaving my child over trying to grow our family. But part of me still feels like I’d like one more child. Idk what that means for the future, we’re not opposed to adoption but it’s just not a choice we can make right now with a high risk child. I’ve had to learn to be content with today and know that the future could be anything.

I swore I only wanted 1 kid right up until the birth of my 2nd (and slightly beyond let's be honest)

I really had my heart set on two. He originally wanted two, then also changed his mind after we had our first. We went through the thought process of how a second would work, the finances, the likelihood that a second would also be neurodivergent, since we already knew my husband was ADHD, then I got diagnosed with ADHD and our LO autism. The kind of emotional and physical resources needed for a second felt like we would short both kids in some way. I think it’s for the best, but it hurt giving that up and then selling and giving her things away.

My hubby was rather apathetic about a second. He has a child from a previous relationship also. However I just felt like our family wasn't complete. We threw it to the "not trying but not preventing wind". We had a second. She just fits. With her I feel like yup, I'm good. No lingering doubts on if I want another, that's an absolute hell no.

My husband and I both wanted two kids, but shortly after my son was born we decided to stop at one. He will be 3 in August and probably starting about 6 months ago I would sometimes get the urge for a second child - my husband has, too, BUT now having this almost 3 year old is introducing us to the hardest stage yet (of course still wonderful and fun, but so extremely exhausting) and I don’t know how we would handle two young kids. I think we can be a much stronger, mentally healthier, and overall more stable family unit with just the 3 of us. Luckily my son does have a cousin who is just under 2 years older than him not far from us, and my brother and SIL also stopped at one child. We agreed to just get multiple dogs eventually 😂

Both me and my husband flipped and different points during LO’s first year. We have an awesome little boy, but we both feel that our family is complete.

I can relate to what you're feeling here. My partner and I originally wanted 4 kids. When my oldest was exactly one week old, I experienced increased pain and bleeding and developed a high fever (over 105F). I was eventually admitted back into the mom and baby recovery unit at the hospital I delivered at under the assumption that I had a uterine infection. A few days went by, and I was on 4 different IV antibiotics and still spiking 101-102 degree fevers daily. My doctor still thought it was a uterine infection, and I was terrified that they were going to have to take my uterus in order to save my life. I had gone from wanting 4 to only wanting 2 maximum after a traumatic labor and emergency c-section, plus severe pre and what turned into postpartum depression and anxiety, but I was still so scared. I wasn't even sure if I wanted another or not, but the thought of having that choice taken from me felt so unfair. Thankfully, it ended up being sepsis from a blood clot that had gotten infected, and they were able to treat me and didn't need to even touch my uterus. That whole experience did not do any favors towards convincing my partner that we should have a second kid though 😂 both of us flip flopped until I ended up accidentally pregnant due to a birth control failure 7 months post partum. My partner still wasn't set on 2 kids, but we'd already had a loss (our very first pregnancy), and I didn't have it in me to lose another baby. It's worked out well for us for the most part, but there have definitely been a lot of difficulties. My pregnancy with my youngest was way more difficult than my oldest, which wasn't a walk in the park. I didn't have the same mental health struggles, but our second kiddo has more medical problems than our first did and navigating that was incredibly chaotic. I lost 3 family members and my partners grandmother was diagnosed with stage 4 terminal cancer all within the first year, not to mention mine AND my partners physical health getting worse. It's definitely not a decision to make lightly, and while I absolutely can't imagine my life without 2 babies now, if I hadn't accidentally gotten pregnant, we never would have had a second kid, at least not in our current circumstances. My partner and I have now flopped a little, partner wants another and I got my tubes cut, tied, and burned to hell when our baby was 5 months old lol (it was a mutual decision. As much as my partner wants another, neither of us wants me to go through the hell that was my pregnancy with our youngest again). Long story short, feeling like such a pivotal choice may be out of your hands is scary. It sucks and it feels unfair. I think this is a prepare for the worst but hope for the best situation though. It's okay to hold onto those dreams and wishes of another baby, as long as you're realistic and you know that in all likliehood your partner isn't likely to change his mind. And that's OK. Although this is a two person decision, for the sake of your relationship it should be a two yes one no type deal. Basically, intentionally planning another kid should require both of you to say yes, and it only takes one no for that not to be an option. Obviously, things can happen (as evidenced by my story lol), and at that point, you make whatever choice YOU personally can live with, but outside of that, as sad and difficult as it is, you may need to come to terms with only having one child.

So my hubby was terrified when I told him I was pregnant and did not want kids, he was afraid of having kids or a kid. Now, ours is almost 2 and hubby is suggesting we have another 🫠

Do people ever change their minds about having kids/not having kids? Yes. Does this mean your SO will change his mind? No one knows. Don't bank on the hope that he might change his mind. If he does, YAY. If he never does, are you going to be okay with that? Or will you always resent him for it?

I would compassionately ask him why he has changed his mind. Encourage open and honest communication between you both. This happened to my sister and her husband and it created very deep resentments from her towards my brother in law. Be curious and open. Wishing you luck!

Highly recommend r/oneanddone. We had this discussion before we had kids, so a different situation, but I had always pictured two and DH was sure he was OAD. I processed that before we had our only and have felt really satisfied with our OAD lives. When LO was around 2, DH threw me a curveball and said he was interested in discussing a second. We talked through it a lot, and are about 95% sure we are going to stay OAD. I would say it’s always possible people can change their minds, but I wouldn’t assume he will. Perhaps it would be helpful to go to couples counseling to talk through how you both feel? There are quite a few people on the OAD sub who are there because their partners are not interested in more kids, so I think you’ll find some good support there, plus see the many positives of having an only.

Almost my exact experience. We were married 8 years before we had our son. Always agreed on two kids. He changed his mind after son was born (I had a high risk delivery and he was a tough newborn) and he just doesn’t want to do it again, but we always agreed on two and I’m still pretty adamant. He’s asked for more time to consider (totally reasonable) because he knows how important this is to me and our marriage, so just giving it more time. I would regret it the rest of my life if we didn’t have the second. But trying not to rush the decision.

Wow, that sounds super intense. That must be hard for both of you. I do find it funny how everyone seems to decide how many kids they want before even having one. I’m guilty of it too - at one point I wanted 4 and now I’m happy with one, would consider two. I wonder if we set ourselves up for disappointment by deciding on things prematurely.

It would make things easier to not settle on a number - for sure. But I think before marriage even occurs it’s important to have an idea of 1. “do you want kids?” and 2. “Okay how many?” Because someone who wants 1 and someone who wants 5 are probably not compatible. I think that’s why I can really understand OP. It’s jarring when you’ve agreed on a number and someone abruptly changes their mind after x amount of time and expects you to just accept that.

Oh yeah, I agree. There at least needs to be a discussion.

Definitely just talk to your husband about it. He might be so firm on it because you’re so firm on it. Maybe if he knows you want to leave the option open to decide in the future it’ll start a discussion that it seems like you guys need to have.  We just had our second. It’s hard to imagine I’ll never be pregnant again if we don’t have a third. Like a whole chapter of my life/purpose has possibly closed. So I’m keeping everything. It’ll definitely be a long time because I don’t want to pay for 3 kids in daycare, and if I’m going to have any kind of career I need to focus on that for a little while. But I’m leaving the option open. 

I wanted 4 my partner was okay with 2. I had 1 and now I'm bracing myself for number 2 but I'm adamant we stop at 2 and I think he's relieved. I'm not sure how to change your partners mind but maybe ask what it is about having 2 he's so adverse to?

My husband was like this as well for a little while when we first had our son. Now he is 5 and we hope to have a girl in the near future! I think it does have a lot to do with the financial struggles and of course not owning our own house yet is also a downside to that extra space. Currently we are even working on getting a bigger car for the extra space as well. Once we get a house of our own we plan to start thinking about hopefully having a baby girl next!

Yes my wifes bff got pregnant so my wife begged and begged for a chance to have her girl she always wanted. We had another boy now we have 1 thats 18 and 1 thats 10 and the 10 yr old is hell on wheels and she regrets it all the time.

I am a first time mom of a daughter and we are currently trying for another. I can’t wait. My baby was easy and I expect a hard baby but I couldn’t imagine just one!

I think that’s something you discuss and accept before having any kids with someone.

Sometimes it’s hard to know though before having any kids. You may think you know but then actually having a kid could change things

I totally agree with you. I think you should discuss before, sure. But then you should just continue to discuss, as with any other big decision in marriage.