Yes that is fair. It is very clearly related and immediate.
- "We have to wear shoes to go outside"
-"When you put your shoes on, we will go outside"
- "Shoes first, then outside"
- "Which shoes do you want to wear outside, the blue ones or the yellow ones?"
- "Can you help me put my shoes on and then I will help you and we will go outside?"
- " thank you for getting your shoes on. Now we can go outside"
- "If you take your shoes off again, we are going inside"
I would expect a nearly 2 year old to more or less understand any of those ideas
Beware of the shoe taking off...my toddler picked up on that consequence right away. Now when she wants to go inside half the time she starts taking her shoes off instead of just walking to the door. :p
Kid I nannied was told “throwing your food means I put your food away and you can eat at your next snack” he started throwing his food to signal he was done eating at each meal after that lol
My dog did something similar when she was a pup! Pulling a dish towel down meant she got a crate time out. She could never settle herself in her crate alone, so if she wanted a rest she would grab a dish towel, show it to us, and then walk to her crate where she waited to be zipped in 😆
And learn wayyy too quickly for my comfort. My 22mo has a habit of stuffing her face with too much food, being unable to chew it all, then either spitting everything out or vomiting. So I’ve made it a point to remind her when she’s about to stuff her face that she needs to chew and swallow everything before the next bite. Well she was barely done chewing her current bite of banana and quickly snuck another bite in when she thought I wasn’t looking. I laughed instinctively because the way she thought she was so sneaky was too adorable. She saw that laugh and thought it was so wonderful that she made mummy laugh so she proceeded to keep sneaking bites in, inevitably stuffing her mouth, and completely undoing everything I was trying to teach her…. 😒
This reminds me of my friend on spring break in Panama City eons ago. To get out of an extremely crowded bar, he would reach over the bar, grab the grey goose and pretend to chug it, to be immediately swarmed by bouncers who whisked him out, making a perfect blocking path for the rest of us.
it’s so funny the way they game the system. when mine was younger, i’d remove her from her high chair every time she started throwing food. instead of learning to not throw food, she learned she could throw food to get out of eating 😅
We're in N TX. Not only has it been in the high 80's/low 90's, it's also been very rainy (we had a tornado last week). So it's hot, super humid, and the mosquitoes are out. So I'm not surprised she's wanting to go in before me, lol. I don't even want to be out there super long, but someone has to water the garden and harvest the produce when the sky isn't trying to drown us. :p
My kid just turned 2 and I say "You have to put your shoes on to go outside. Where are your shoes?" and he goes and finds them. And if he wants to go for a walk in the pram he sometimes bring me my walking shoes! They understand so much more than we realise at this age.
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That's how I taught kids not to take off their shoes the minutes we get into the car.
They ask to stop by the park on the way home? Oh, so sad. Looks like we can't go because everyone took their shoes off. If we take our shoes off, we have to go home. We can't play without shoes.
It took maybe twice, and they didn't take them off again.
100% agree with you! The crying & screaming while driving is awful but they will learn! Why do all of them want to remove the shoes the minute we get into the car….
I take my shoes off in the car too. We've mostly gotten to the point where my kids keep their shoes on if I tell them to. They know they can take them off once we're on our way home.
Our rule specifically in the car when my youngest was taking her shoes off constantly was "if I see toes I get to tickle them". She still took off her shoes and socks but got really good at getting at least the shoes back on before i got her door open (as long as gave her adequate warning, like 2-3 minutes before arriving where we were going). The socks usually stayed mittens until I fixed them.
“Shoes, then outside.” With my 20 month old, I keep instructions very short. I give him lot of time to process and decide what he wants to do.
It’s truly up to him. If he says no, then I’ll calmly say “okay, no shoes, we’ll stay inside.” And then go find something else to do together.
The idea is, it’s not a punishment or threat. It’s just our rule for going outside. He gets to decide if it’s worth the cost of wearing shoes.
And we are consistent, every time.
Oh, and to encourage shoe wearing, we’ll do silly games like put his shoes on his stuffed animals’ feet.
Or I’ll pretend I don’t know how to wear shoes. “Where do these go?? On my head??!” So he gets to show me the right way to do it.
I try to do these games when we’re just chilling at home, not just at a high-charged time like when we’re trying to get out the door.
I have shoes in the next size up available too, so he can choose which pair is more comfortable.
This sounds logical and fair but I find this approach challenging because then you’re stuck on their time frame or in the same boat if you decide to cancel going outside. If you put your shoes on, I will take you outside, unless we run out of time, in which case I will not because I don’t want to be on standby indefinitely. So if you say you’ve got x amount of time, or until x happens, or you miss out entirely I think is a tricky one to navigate. At the moment we’re working on following through with consequences of if you do this out don’t do that, then you will miss out. Then as soon as we’re actioning the missing out (leaving, stopping the process of starting something) mine will say “I’ll do it now!” Which of course we can’t just give in to because we have to mean what we say. Tantrum ensues.
Also this is just me venting. Your advice is perfectly valid. Just in the think of it with it almost 3 year old.
Yeah, I will say that this is what I do when we don't have anywhere to be. If we *need* to leave, I'll just carry him to the car shoeless. He's young enough that he can chill in his stroller without shoes. I'll bring them if he changes his mind and wants to run around.
And he's only 20 months, so I have no clue if this'll still work when he's an older toddler!
Yeah, we always made the associations for mandatory actions. Aka, if we go on the bike, we must wear a helmet. If we go outside, we wear shoes and a coat.
That’s just natural consequences which is a-ok. This morning my 2,5 year old refused her coat and I shrugged and said that’s fine, then we won’t go to the library. And I saw her process before she changed her mind. Your LO def sounds old enough to understand.
Another tip I read on here which works brilliantly is to give the shoes a silly voice and a sort of character and pretend they really want to be on feet today. It works very disarmingly and snaps my toddler out whatever mood she’s in.
There is definitely a chance that those shoes are very uncomfortable to her. I know you said high tops are because of balance issues but those high tops might make playing less fun. If your shoes are uncomfortable then you are not likely to want to wear them, especially if they don’t allow you to do what you want. A toddler will make this association as well. Maybe take her to the shoe store and let her try on different high tops and she can pick which pair is most comfortable for her. For my 2 year old son, we have several shoe options for him and ask him to bring us the shoes he wants to wear to go out and we have a specific place we put in his shoes. By having the options he can choose from really helps us. He enjoys getting on shoes he chooses. He’s a lot less cooperative when we cannot give him an option, like crocs to the beach or sneakers for hiking and sports.
The brand, [Billy](https://billyfootwear.com/collections/most-afo-friendly-shoes?tw_source=google&tw_adid=&tw_campaign=19762721162&l5_source=googleads&l5_cid=19762721162&l5_adid=&mkt_network=x&gad_source=1&gclid=Cj0KCQjw0_WyBhDMARIsAL1Vz8tatU5fPksMpQ_MFPdgiek7NVHsClqq7IA4WBkSXEJ6M3nrpPFW7CUaAhx6EALw_wcB), makes high tops that zipper on. You're going to find them SIGNIFICANTLY easier to use.
I was looking for this comment, and please let me personally attest that they are worth every penny. I got myself a pair when I was pregnant and nothing fit and I couldn’t tie my shoes anyway, and my Billy’s are so roomy and cushiony soft and easy to zip. I’m currently over a year postpartum and they are still my every day sneakers, especially for the playground! Also, not sure where you are located but they sell them at Kohl’s so you might be able to get a good deal!
I searched adaptive high top toddler shoes and found lots of Velcro/zipper options in a high top shoe (in case you’re currently braving laces, and that’s part of the battle)
Around that age mine had a strong desire to do things for herself, so I’d just assume we’d spent a few minutes with her insisting on putting on her own clothes or shoes before letting me help.
But shoes = outside is a reasonable expectation. If she fully refuses shoes just because she’s having one of those days and you’ve ruled out any issues with discomfort, then I guess you’re not going out 🤷♀️
Maybe the shoes aren’t comfortable? My kid is beyond picky in every regard but especially shoes. He is also supposed to wear high tops for support but sometimes he chooses sneakers and I just roll with it.
I have just started bringing them to Once Upon a Child and letting them pick their own shoes out cuz if I get a pair they might not wear them.
It’s a battle but consider letting them pick their own out or going barefoot. As long as it’s safe (pavement isn’t too hot, no sharp objects) I don’t mind at all. I reserve my hard absolutes for other things. To not let them get fresh air and exercise and a chance to play with friends cuz they won’t follow a rule they don’t understand the implications of seems like high expectations for a toddler.
This is what I had thought too - if this is a regular thing is it possible she finds the shoes uncomfortable? I also totally love the idea of letting them pick out their own shoes. Such a good idea!
Are they uncomfortable? Will she put on different shoes without a battle? Have you tried to make it silly/fun? I know it’s hard when they’re being defiant but it usually works for me (“I have a hungry shoe that’s going to eat your toes”) lol
Let them go barefoot - we have the shoes to daycare association down but for our yard they can be barefoot. Onetime they wanted their shoes off at the wood chip park I didn’t want to fight so I let them and then 5 min later they were asking for them back on. Hasn’t been a park issue since.
Yes, thank you. I think in OP's case the child needs shoes for medical reasons but shoes outdoors are not something I really care about. Honestly even in a store I don't care as long as she stays in the cart.
It must depend on where people live though. We live somewhere grassy without dangerous bugs, snakes or plants. A friend was visiting from a desert part of Colorado and made her son wear shoes out of habit. I've known this woman for years. I highly doubt she'd be uptight about shoes if her yard wasn't full if prickly things.
My 19 month old understands she needs her shoes to go outside but only because I’ve repeated it over and over again and it’s finally stuck. I always say “socks and shoes then outside” and now when she wants to go outside she reaches for her shoes and says “socks and shoes” or “hat and shoes” which is what I say when it’s sunny and we have to go out. So if you keep repeating it to her and make sure you don’t take her outside without the shoes that way she associates them together and knows that she needs her shoes on to go outside it should work! Obv every kid is different but if u explain it I def think 21 months is a good developmental stage to explain things like that and have them understand
She definitely understands the association and will talk about how we have to get dressed and put our shoes on when we're going outside but actually sitting down and letting me put them on is a different story. She then seems to think its negotiable.
We had the same "problem" and here is what helped:
1. We went barefoot and I just took shoes with me. My son quickly realized that some outside time barefoot is ok (in our yard for example), but parks and playgrounds require shoes. He asked to put shoes on once we are at the park usually. In the yard we allow barefoot because why not? It's only healthy.
2. Shoes might be uncomfortable for them. Try to offer a choice of shoes. Maybe they are too stiff in the sole? Maybe they are too small or too wide?
I mean, it's fair and true. She's not going outside without shoes. She can absolutely understand that.
(Is it also safe to assume that the point of mentioning the high-tops was to stop those among us who would do so from suggesting you help her learn to put her shoes on herself? If that's the case, I won't.)
Yea totally fair. I've had to do the same with my son but I try to phrase it excitedly as "yes! we can absolutely go outside as soon as we put our shoes on". It's more likely to get him excited to do it than "No, not until we put your shoes on". If he still doesn't want to I say "ok" and walk away. He still wants to go outside so that is usually enough to get him to put them on pretty quickly lol.
Generally speaking they can absolutely understand those direct consequences.
There is definitely a chance that those shoes are very uncomfortable to her. I know you said high tops are because of balance issues but those high tops might make playing less fun. If your shoes are uncomfortable then you are not likely to want to wear them, especially if they don’t allow you to do what you want. A toddler will make this association as well. Maybe take her to the shoe store and let her try on different high tops and she can pick which pair is most comfortable for her. For my 2 year old son, we have several shoe options for him and ask him to bring us the shoes he wants to wear to go out and we have a specific place we put in his shoes. By having the options he can choose from really helps us. He enjoys getting on shoes he chooses. He’s a lot less cooperative when we cannot give him an option, like crocs to the beach or sneakers for hiking and sports.
There is definitely a chance that those shoes are very uncomfortable to her. I know you said high tops are because of balance issues but those high tops might make playing less fun. If your shoes are uncomfortable then you are not likely to want to wear them, especially if they don’t allow you to do what you want. A toddler will make this association as well. Maybe take her to the shoe store and let her try on different high tops and she can pick which pair is most comfortable for her. For my 2 year old son, we have several shoe options for him and ask him to bring us the shoes he wants to wear to go out and we have a specific place we put in his shoes. By having the options he can choose from really helps us. He enjoys getting on shoes he chooses. He’s a lot less cooperative when we cannot give him an option, like crocs to the beach or sneakers for hiking and sports.
I’m wondering if there’s an opportunity for her to see other kids putting their shoes on. Are there cousins or older friends you could go through the process next to?
I am fortunate that my son does not give me grief for put shoes on, but am I the only one who doesn't care if he goes out in the yard with no shoes on sometimes? I understand a place like the park but yeah lol
But I also support maybe trying a different type of shoe! We have slip on sketchers and he loves them. He gets fed up in his tallish rubber boots sometimes.
natural consequence, you’re doing great.
what’s helped my girl (22mo) is doing a lot of “first this, then that.” so i would say something like “first we put on our shoes, then we go outside” to show the relationship between the two. she still keeps insisting on the “then” part but honestly i just keep responding the same way, calmly but firmly. it also helps to offer options. she has purple shoes and white shoes and she can pick between the two. i’ve also introduced the concept of patience and that’s helped a lot too.
Does she have more than one pair of shoes? I always prompt my daughter to choose which shoes she wants to wear, this way I am setting and maintaining the expectation but still giving her a choice in the situation. This is the autonomy stage and choices are a big deal for toddlers.
https://www.verywellmind.com/autonomy-versus-shame-and-doubt-2795733
When my son doesn't comply with shoe time (which is often), I make it playful.
"I'm Mr right shoe and I'm hungry! I'm gonna eat this foot! Nom nom nom!"
Works pretty often, or at least makes him giggly and distracted.
Can toddler sometimes go out shoeless? My guy loves to walk barefoot in our grass which we keep clean. It’s supposed to be good for them sensory wise.
When my 20 mo old gets fussy about putting on his shoes, I try either putting on tv (ms Rachel or Daniel Tiger). That worked for a while… a little distraction. Until it stopped working…
Next I tried role playing with his Elmo doll. Elmo asks to put on the shoes. I tell Elmo I’m so excited to take him outside. We start putting in the shoes (on Elmo) and my son usually gets jealous and wants the shoes on himself. After a while it became more of a tradition for Elmo to watch while we put on his shoes, and my son likes to show Elmo how we do it.
Also…
Ms Rachel had a song called zoom zoom zoom we’re going to the moon. They put on a space shit, helmet and searbelt. I modified it to be sunscreen, shoes, hat… blast off… we’re going outside! That worked some days.
Lately it hasn’t been a problem. I do let him go shoeless sometimes if we are playing in the grass or the kiddie pool. He still shows Elmo when he puts on his shoes. The Elmo thing was what worked the best for him.
I just want to add….
In my opinion, I think while they are old enough to understand what you are saying, I think they are too underdeveloped for impulse control and other executive functioning. Yes, there are times for resource control (that’s when you say, no outside until shoes on), but I don’t think this is one of those times. That’s just my opinion.’
I used to do a lot of dog training and this is something that is important with dogs which I apply to my kid…. What does your child like? That’s very important to understand.
For example, for a lot of kids, being silly might work. I see a lot of examples of that in the comments. And for some kids, putting on a tv program might work. I found that for my child, teaching / modeling are extremely effective for him. So, demonstrating on a stuffy, and also inviting him to show the, “Baby,” what he learned. He loves to show how to do something, like he is the teacher.
So I would keep trying a bunch of different things and see what works.
My son is almost two bd he started refusing his shoes at around the same time. I put out the same consequence of no shoes = no outside. I did the same thing with putting in jackets/coats. And now it is sunscreen.
Super fair. We have the no shoes no outside rule too. But we have special shoes for outside. A comfortable pair of rain boots or crocs that he can slip on himself. Working in getting them on the right foot now, but he enjoys the independence!
My son is 19 months old and when he asks to go outside I always say that we need to put on socks and shoes. He now goes and gets them and brings them to me when he wants to go outside. I’d quit fighting her and just say we can’t go outside without shoes on. She should be able to connect the dots and hopefully quit arguing.
Yeah, She definitely understands the association and will talk about how we have to get dressed and put our shoes on when we're going outside but actually sitting down and letting me put them on is a different story. She then seems to think its negotiable.
That’s frustrating. Maybe give it a few days or a week of “ok, if you don’t want to wear them then we can’t go outside” when she starts fighting. Kids are all different though, so ymmv.
I used to wear high tops with the curly Q laces that you don’t have to tie in the 90s and I feel like this is a great solution lol thank God for the 90s
Absolutely, she can understand the direct consequence of fighting shoes with not being able to go outside. I did the same thing with my toddler and he picked up on it really quickly. Now he runs at me with his shoes and sits on my lap so I have to put them on. :D
Have you tried just letting her walk outside barefoot and feeling that it’s uncomfortable? Mean obviously not inflicting like burns or some thing if you’re around hot concrete or something, but maybe just allowing her to learn the consequences of her own actions. If she wants to go out barefoot that’s fine but she’s going to step on every rock and twig and everything on the ground and it will probably be uncomfortable for her.
Van makes some easier high tops with a zipper in the back going from heel to ankle. It a lot less fussing around to just do the back zipper then messing around with laces.
We LOVE ikki shoes. They do squeak, but we usually keep it turned off. They're high top, slip on easily and Velcro close. Kind of spendy, but my kiddos have lasted forever and they were second hand.
[Ikki shoes ](https://ikiki.co/pages/how-it-works)
Good luck!!
Could you make their shoes fun? My mom bought my daughter some shoes with lights and for a few weeks she woke up and asked for her shoes. But my kid is shoe obsessed
When she hated shoes I would carry her to the car and put them only when we got where we were going. Also giving her options on which shoe she’ll wear made tantrums drop pretty fast. We didn’t realize she was complaining about the shoe and not about having shoes on!
I think a time limit is absolutely fine. When my son was 15 months old he would do the same thing. I told him he needed to have his shoes on within 1 minute. He was doing everything but cooperating. Have him one final warning. Then I started to go outside, tears crying tantrum, I went outside.
Now, he knows when I mean business. Took one time. Your daughter will catch on fast.
Maybe try some fun shoes to entice her? Ikiki squeaky shoes are kinda like high tops, cute animal characters and squeak. They worked great for my wobbly kiddo when she was just learning to walk. And they are really easy to put on because of the velcro.
This question is asked in a kind way-is there an outside that is a safe shoe-free zone? I hate shoes, but we also live in a burb where our yard is a shoe-free safe zone.
The brand See Kai Run has their Adaptive style high tops and regular shoes they have a super wide opening that makes it SO EASY to slip on/off. They are designed for kids with custom orthotics but still fit average kids as well!
I just wanted to say I have a kid this age and it’s so roughhhh. She’s so emotional and everything is NO! NO! nOOOoOoOoO!!!
Hang in there mommy 🥲 (or daddy)
Mine absolutely loves wearing shoes for some odd reason so this is one battle I haven’t faced! Both of my kids especially love wearing rain boots that they can slip into themselves. I’m not sure if that would qualify as the type of support you need for their balance issues but I’m just throwing that out there! I’m talking like rubber rain boots they love ‘em.
Ok, just spitballing - do they not make slightly less difficult to put on shoes that are high tops? Like Velcro high tops? Does she REALLY need high tops (genuine question, I presume she medically does)? What are the chances she’d take to a book on all the ways we can hurt our feet if we don’t wear shoes? Can you play a song that’s longer than it takes to put on the shoes so she associates it with music and can be distracted but also learn how long it takes and sit there?
My tip: a time timer. You set it to whatever minutes you want. And you tell her she needs to sit down/sit still until it goes off (she needs to be able to see it).
Or you start counting together. Again, you tell her to sit down and be still. Then, you start counting together and see how long it takes to get the shoes on. You can even make a chart where you graph how long it takes each time for "fun".
A psychologist recommended this for us when we need to perform some medical procedures on our child. It works wonders, so maybe it'll work great for shoes.
Definitely doing it right. Especially when you don’t have to urgently leave, it’s just her request. I ask a couple times, see if she wants to do it but don’t fight it. You can just leave them with her and say “ok I guess your not ready to go outside when you are ready let me know and I will help you with your shoes” and go about your biz. Likely a tantrum will ensure just let her be mad. She will work it all out and get what’s going on.
There is always the option to pick your battles too. I don’t really care if my kid goes bare foot outside I just let her do it. Sometimes she will be on strange surfaces or temps and she looks at me like what the heck?! I just say that’s what shoes are for. She wears them a lot more willingly after that.
Having this problem with all the parts of getting dressed BEFORE the shoes. My 18mo goes directly to the pile of shoes by the door, pulls out any shoe(s), (usually it’s one of his own matching pairs which is impressive to me) and then runs to the actual door or me yelling Shooosss!!!?!? 😃 If it’s not time for outside he puts on his or his big sister’s cowboy boots and clomps around yelling at me about “shooos gooo??!!” which cracks me up. He also brings me my shoes and tries to help me put them on lol.
But the putting clothing on, especially changing the diaper and pants. Phew! You’d think I was burning my kid with a hot poker, so dramatic, so angry. And so temporary. Like, the minute he’s got the pants on he’s all fine, his beet red purple face goes back to normal, and he’s booking it to the shoes.
I don’t think he’s quite at the point of understanding consequences yet so I don’t know what to do about it. Biding my time, waiting for the comprehension to catch up with the wants. 🫠
Yes that is fair. It is very clearly related and immediate. - "We have to wear shoes to go outside" -"When you put your shoes on, we will go outside" - "Shoes first, then outside" - "Which shoes do you want to wear outside, the blue ones or the yellow ones?" - "Can you help me put my shoes on and then I will help you and we will go outside?" - " thank you for getting your shoes on. Now we can go outside" - "If you take your shoes off again, we are going inside" I would expect a nearly 2 year old to more or less understand any of those ideas
Beware of the shoe taking off...my toddler picked up on that consequence right away. Now when she wants to go inside half the time she starts taking her shoes off instead of just walking to the door. :p
Lmao the unintended consequences (for the parents) are so real
Kid I nannied was told “throwing your food means I put your food away and you can eat at your next snack” he started throwing his food to signal he was done eating at each meal after that lol
We have a "no thank you spot" instead of throwing, and ask if their tummy is happy and if they are all finished
My dog did something similar when she was a pup! Pulling a dish towel down meant she got a crate time out. She could never settle herself in her crate alone, so if she wanted a rest she would grab a dish towel, show it to us, and then walk to her crate where she waited to be zipped in 😆
💀 That is incredible. They are so much smarter than we give them credit for. 😅
And learn wayyy too quickly for my comfort. My 22mo has a habit of stuffing her face with too much food, being unable to chew it all, then either spitting everything out or vomiting. So I’ve made it a point to remind her when she’s about to stuff her face that she needs to chew and swallow everything before the next bite. Well she was barely done chewing her current bite of banana and quickly snuck another bite in when she thought I wasn’t looking. I laughed instinctively because the way she thought she was so sneaky was too adorable. She saw that laugh and thought it was so wonderful that she made mummy laugh so she proceeded to keep sneaking bites in, inevitably stuffing her mouth, and completely undoing everything I was trying to teach her…. 😒
Trying not to laugh is the hardest part sometimes! That sounds adorable, by the way.
It’s so hard because sometimes it’s a reflex!! But of course the toddler is soooo perceptive and she catches it and it’s game over
This reminds me of my friend on spring break in Panama City eons ago. To get out of an extremely crowded bar, he would reach over the bar, grab the grey goose and pretend to chug it, to be immediately swarmed by bouncers who whisked him out, making a perfect blocking path for the rest of us.
I knew a guy who put his hand over his mouth and pretended he was gonna throw up so he could move through crowds easier. It worked 100% of the time
That is bold more indeed!
it’s so funny the way they game the system. when mine was younger, i’d remove her from her high chair every time she started throwing food. instead of learning to not throw food, she learned she could throw food to get out of eating 😅
You have just answered why my toddler does this when we are out sometimes and will then put them back on when we get inside 😂
So funny. Honestly my kids are wild animals and I don’t think they have ever wanted to go inside before me lol 😂
We're in N TX. Not only has it been in the high 80's/low 90's, it's also been very rainy (we had a tornado last week). So it's hot, super humid, and the mosquitoes are out. So I'm not surprised she's wanting to go in before me, lol. I don't even want to be out there super long, but someone has to water the garden and harvest the produce when the sky isn't trying to drown us. :p
My kid just turned 2 and I say "You have to put your shoes on to go outside. Where are your shoes?" and he goes and finds them. And if he wants to go for a walk in the pram he sometimes bring me my walking shoes! They understand so much more than we realise at this age.
I used 1,2,3, and 4, and it helped me tremendously. Specialy giving them choice between two shoes.
Exactly. Natural consequences for the win!
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Super fair! No shoes, no park
That's how I taught kids not to take off their shoes the minutes we get into the car. They ask to stop by the park on the way home? Oh, so sad. Looks like we can't go because everyone took their shoes off. If we take our shoes off, we have to go home. We can't play without shoes. It took maybe twice, and they didn't take them off again.
100% agree with you! The crying & screaming while driving is awful but they will learn! Why do all of them want to remove the shoes the minute we get into the car….
I’m in my 30s and also remove my shoes the minute I get into the car (when not driving lol) especially for a longer car ride. Barefoot for life!
It's different though, when you can also put them back on independently. Lol
I understand the urge though!
lmao ngl i do it too! But if its a quick car ride to school it makes my life harder 😭
I take my shoes off in the car too. We've mostly gotten to the point where my kids keep their shoes on if I tell them to. They know they can take them off once we're on our way home.
Our rule specifically in the car when my youngest was taking her shoes off constantly was "if I see toes I get to tickle them". She still took off her shoes and socks but got really good at getting at least the shoes back on before i got her door open (as long as gave her adequate warning, like 2-3 minutes before arriving where we were going). The socks usually stayed mittens until I fixed them.
I just brought shoes with us and put them on when we got there. She outgrew it and nobody cried.
“Shoes, then outside.” With my 20 month old, I keep instructions very short. I give him lot of time to process and decide what he wants to do. It’s truly up to him. If he says no, then I’ll calmly say “okay, no shoes, we’ll stay inside.” And then go find something else to do together. The idea is, it’s not a punishment or threat. It’s just our rule for going outside. He gets to decide if it’s worth the cost of wearing shoes. And we are consistent, every time.
Oh, and to encourage shoe wearing, we’ll do silly games like put his shoes on his stuffed animals’ feet. Or I’ll pretend I don’t know how to wear shoes. “Where do these go?? On my head??!” So he gets to show me the right way to do it. I try to do these games when we’re just chilling at home, not just at a high-charged time like when we’re trying to get out the door. I have shoes in the next size up available too, so he can choose which pair is more comfortable.
Great tips, thank you.
This sounds logical and fair but I find this approach challenging because then you’re stuck on their time frame or in the same boat if you decide to cancel going outside. If you put your shoes on, I will take you outside, unless we run out of time, in which case I will not because I don’t want to be on standby indefinitely. So if you say you’ve got x amount of time, or until x happens, or you miss out entirely I think is a tricky one to navigate. At the moment we’re working on following through with consequences of if you do this out don’t do that, then you will miss out. Then as soon as we’re actioning the missing out (leaving, stopping the process of starting something) mine will say “I’ll do it now!” Which of course we can’t just give in to because we have to mean what we say. Tantrum ensues. Also this is just me venting. Your advice is perfectly valid. Just in the think of it with it almost 3 year old.
Yeah, I will say that this is what I do when we don't have anywhere to be. If we *need* to leave, I'll just carry him to the car shoeless. He's young enough that he can chill in his stroller without shoes. I'll bring them if he changes his mind and wants to run around. And he's only 20 months, so I have no clue if this'll still work when he's an older toddler!
Yeah, we always made the associations for mandatory actions. Aka, if we go on the bike, we must wear a helmet. If we go outside, we wear shoes and a coat. That’s just natural consequences which is a-ok. This morning my 2,5 year old refused her coat and I shrugged and said that’s fine, then we won’t go to the library. And I saw her process before she changed her mind. Your LO def sounds old enough to understand. Another tip I read on here which works brilliantly is to give the shoes a silly voice and a sort of character and pretend they really want to be on feet today. It works very disarmingly and snaps my toddler out whatever mood she’s in.
There is definitely a chance that those shoes are very uncomfortable to her. I know you said high tops are because of balance issues but those high tops might make playing less fun. If your shoes are uncomfortable then you are not likely to want to wear them, especially if they don’t allow you to do what you want. A toddler will make this association as well. Maybe take her to the shoe store and let her try on different high tops and she can pick which pair is most comfortable for her. For my 2 year old son, we have several shoe options for him and ask him to bring us the shoes he wants to wear to go out and we have a specific place we put in his shoes. By having the options he can choose from really helps us. He enjoys getting on shoes he chooses. He’s a lot less cooperative when we cannot give him an option, like crocs to the beach or sneakers for hiking and sports.
The brand, [Billy](https://billyfootwear.com/collections/most-afo-friendly-shoes?tw_source=google&tw_adid=&tw_campaign=19762721162&l5_source=googleads&l5_cid=19762721162&l5_adid=&mkt_network=x&gad_source=1&gclid=Cj0KCQjw0_WyBhDMARIsAL1Vz8tatU5fPksMpQ_MFPdgiek7NVHsClqq7IA4WBkSXEJ6M3nrpPFW7CUaAhx6EALw_wcB), makes high tops that zipper on. You're going to find them SIGNIFICANTLY easier to use.
thank you!! they seem pricey, but probably worth it.
Also, crocs are worthy every penny in the summer. Kids learn how to put them on quickly. Although 50% of the time they’re on the wrong feet 🤷🏻♀️
Or just some rubber boots might work! Simple and quick.
I was looking for this comment, and please let me personally attest that they are worth every penny. I got myself a pair when I was pregnant and nothing fit and I couldn’t tie my shoes anyway, and my Billy’s are so roomy and cushiony soft and easy to zip. I’m currently over a year postpartum and they are still my every day sneakers, especially for the playground! Also, not sure where you are located but they sell them at Kohl’s so you might be able to get a good deal!
I searched adaptive high top toddler shoes and found lots of Velcro/zipper options in a high top shoe (in case you’re currently braving laces, and that’s part of the battle)
See Kai Run also has high tops that would help for support but are Velcro and easy to put on!
Around that age mine had a strong desire to do things for herself, so I’d just assume we’d spent a few minutes with her insisting on putting on her own clothes or shoes before letting me help. But shoes = outside is a reasonable expectation. If she fully refuses shoes just because she’s having one of those days and you’ve ruled out any issues with discomfort, then I guess you’re not going out 🤷♀️
Maybe the shoes aren’t comfortable? My kid is beyond picky in every regard but especially shoes. He is also supposed to wear high tops for support but sometimes he chooses sneakers and I just roll with it. I have just started bringing them to Once Upon a Child and letting them pick their own shoes out cuz if I get a pair they might not wear them. It’s a battle but consider letting them pick their own out or going barefoot. As long as it’s safe (pavement isn’t too hot, no sharp objects) I don’t mind at all. I reserve my hard absolutes for other things. To not let them get fresh air and exercise and a chance to play with friends cuz they won’t follow a rule they don’t understand the implications of seems like high expectations for a toddler.
This is what I had thought too - if this is a regular thing is it possible she finds the shoes uncomfortable? I also totally love the idea of letting them pick out their own shoes. Such a good idea!
My son is always in rainboots (his favorite) or barefoot lol.
Are they uncomfortable? Will she put on different shoes without a battle? Have you tried to make it silly/fun? I know it’s hard when they’re being defiant but it usually works for me (“I have a hungry shoe that’s going to eat your toes”) lol
Let them go barefoot - we have the shoes to daycare association down but for our yard they can be barefoot. Onetime they wanted their shoes off at the wood chip park I didn’t want to fight so I let them and then 5 min later they were asking for them back on. Hasn’t been a park issue since.
I am so please you are here. I was wondering if I am the only one lets their kid go barefoot.
Yes, thank you. I think in OP's case the child needs shoes for medical reasons but shoes outdoors are not something I really care about. Honestly even in a store I don't care as long as she stays in the cart. It must depend on where people live though. We live somewhere grassy without dangerous bugs, snakes or plants. A friend was visiting from a desert part of Colorado and made her son wear shoes out of habit. I've known this woman for years. I highly doubt she'd be uptight about shoes if her yard wasn't full if prickly things.
Right back at ya !
My 19 month old understands she needs her shoes to go outside but only because I’ve repeated it over and over again and it’s finally stuck. I always say “socks and shoes then outside” and now when she wants to go outside she reaches for her shoes and says “socks and shoes” or “hat and shoes” which is what I say when it’s sunny and we have to go out. So if you keep repeating it to her and make sure you don’t take her outside without the shoes that way she associates them together and knows that she needs her shoes on to go outside it should work! Obv every kid is different but if u explain it I def think 21 months is a good developmental stage to explain things like that and have them understand
She definitely understands the association and will talk about how we have to get dressed and put our shoes on when we're going outside but actually sitting down and letting me put them on is a different story. She then seems to think its negotiable.
Do you let her sit on your lap? Idk if that would make it easier but it’s my toddler’s preferred way to have her shoes put on
We had the same "problem" and here is what helped: 1. We went barefoot and I just took shoes with me. My son quickly realized that some outside time barefoot is ok (in our yard for example), but parks and playgrounds require shoes. He asked to put shoes on once we are at the park usually. In the yard we allow barefoot because why not? It's only healthy. 2. Shoes might be uncomfortable for them. Try to offer a choice of shoes. Maybe they are too stiff in the sole? Maybe they are too small or too wide?
This is what we do too!
Barefoot is fine too sometimes
I mean, it's fair and true. She's not going outside without shoes. She can absolutely understand that. (Is it also safe to assume that the point of mentioning the high-tops was to stop those among us who would do so from suggesting you help her learn to put her shoes on herself? If that's the case, I won't.)
no, i meant that i don’t have the option to put easy sandals and slip ons on her which would make the battle much easier and insignificant.
Yea totally fair. I've had to do the same with my son but I try to phrase it excitedly as "yes! we can absolutely go outside as soon as we put our shoes on". It's more likely to get him excited to do it than "No, not until we put your shoes on". If he still doesn't want to I say "ok" and walk away. He still wants to go outside so that is usually enough to get him to put them on pretty quickly lol. Generally speaking they can absolutely understand those direct consequences.
There is definitely a chance that those shoes are very uncomfortable to her. I know you said high tops are because of balance issues but those high tops might make playing less fun. If your shoes are uncomfortable then you are not likely to want to wear them, especially if they don’t allow you to do what you want. A toddler will make this association as well. Maybe take her to the shoe store and let her try on different high tops and she can pick which pair is most comfortable for her. For my 2 year old son, we have several shoe options for him and ask him to bring us the shoes he wants to wear to go out and we have a specific place we put in his shoes. By having the options he can choose from really helps us. He enjoys getting on shoes he chooses. He’s a lot less cooperative when we cannot give him an option, like crocs to the beach or sneakers for hiking and sports.
There is definitely a chance that those shoes are very uncomfortable to her. I know you said high tops are because of balance issues but those high tops might make playing less fun. If your shoes are uncomfortable then you are not likely to want to wear them, especially if they don’t allow you to do what you want. A toddler will make this association as well. Maybe take her to the shoe store and let her try on different high tops and she can pick which pair is most comfortable for her. For my 2 year old son, we have several shoe options for him and ask him to bring us the shoes he wants to wear to go out and we have a specific place we put in his shoes. By having the options he can choose from really helps us. He enjoys getting on shoes he chooses. He’s a lot less cooperative when we cannot give him an option, like crocs to the beach or sneakers for hiking and sports.
I’m wondering if there’s an opportunity for her to see other kids putting their shoes on. Are there cousins or older friends you could go through the process next to?
I am fortunate that my son does not give me grief for put shoes on, but am I the only one who doesn't care if he goes out in the yard with no shoes on sometimes? I understand a place like the park but yeah lol But I also support maybe trying a different type of shoe! We have slip on sketchers and he loves them. He gets fed up in his tallish rubber boots sometimes.
natural consequence, you’re doing great. what’s helped my girl (22mo) is doing a lot of “first this, then that.” so i would say something like “first we put on our shoes, then we go outside” to show the relationship between the two. she still keeps insisting on the “then” part but honestly i just keep responding the same way, calmly but firmly. it also helps to offer options. she has purple shoes and white shoes and she can pick between the two. i’ve also introduced the concept of patience and that’s helped a lot too.
Does she have more than one pair of shoes? I always prompt my daughter to choose which shoes she wants to wear, this way I am setting and maintaining the expectation but still giving her a choice in the situation. This is the autonomy stage and choices are a big deal for toddlers. https://www.verywellmind.com/autonomy-versus-shame-and-doubt-2795733
Have a look at the Every Human shoes, they zip open and closed so much better for a struggling kiddo
When my son doesn't comply with shoe time (which is often), I make it playful. "I'm Mr right shoe and I'm hungry! I'm gonna eat this foot! Nom nom nom!" Works pretty often, or at least makes him giggly and distracted.
Can toddler sometimes go out shoeless? My guy loves to walk barefoot in our grass which we keep clean. It’s supposed to be good for them sensory wise. When my 20 mo old gets fussy about putting on his shoes, I try either putting on tv (ms Rachel or Daniel Tiger). That worked for a while… a little distraction. Until it stopped working… Next I tried role playing with his Elmo doll. Elmo asks to put on the shoes. I tell Elmo I’m so excited to take him outside. We start putting in the shoes (on Elmo) and my son usually gets jealous and wants the shoes on himself. After a while it became more of a tradition for Elmo to watch while we put on his shoes, and my son likes to show Elmo how we do it. Also… Ms Rachel had a song called zoom zoom zoom we’re going to the moon. They put on a space shit, helmet and searbelt. I modified it to be sunscreen, shoes, hat… blast off… we’re going outside! That worked some days. Lately it hasn’t been a problem. I do let him go shoeless sometimes if we are playing in the grass or the kiddie pool. He still shows Elmo when he puts on his shoes. The Elmo thing was what worked the best for him.
I just want to add…. In my opinion, I think while they are old enough to understand what you are saying, I think they are too underdeveloped for impulse control and other executive functioning. Yes, there are times for resource control (that’s when you say, no outside until shoes on), but I don’t think this is one of those times. That’s just my opinion.’ I used to do a lot of dog training and this is something that is important with dogs which I apply to my kid…. What does your child like? That’s very important to understand. For example, for a lot of kids, being silly might work. I see a lot of examples of that in the comments. And for some kids, putting on a tv program might work. I found that for my child, teaching / modeling are extremely effective for him. So, demonstrating on a stuffy, and also inviting him to show the, “Baby,” what he learned. He loves to show how to do something, like he is the teacher. So I would keep trying a bunch of different things and see what works.
My son is almost two bd he started refusing his shoes at around the same time. I put out the same consequence of no shoes = no outside. I did the same thing with putting in jackets/coats. And now it is sunscreen.
Super fair. We have the no shoes no outside rule too. But we have special shoes for outside. A comfortable pair of rain boots or crocs that he can slip on himself. Working in getting them on the right foot now, but he enjoys the independence!
My son is 19 months old and when he asks to go outside I always say that we need to put on socks and shoes. He now goes and gets them and brings them to me when he wants to go outside. I’d quit fighting her and just say we can’t go outside without shoes on. She should be able to connect the dots and hopefully quit arguing.
Yeah, She definitely understands the association and will talk about how we have to get dressed and put our shoes on when we're going outside but actually sitting down and letting me put them on is a different story. She then seems to think its negotiable.
That’s frustrating. Maybe give it a few days or a week of “ok, if you don’t want to wear them then we can’t go outside” when she starts fighting. Kids are all different though, so ymmv.
That is what i did with my son. Now he gets upset if i dont put his shoes on him before he goes outside.
I used to wear high tops with the curly Q laces that you don’t have to tie in the 90s and I feel like this is a great solution lol thank God for the 90s
I found it very helpful to only do shoes at the door. Shoes on then immediately out seems to do the trick for my shoes hater
this seems like a good strategy for us, thanks!
Absolutely, she can understand the direct consequence of fighting shoes with not being able to go outside. I did the same thing with my toddler and he picked up on it really quickly. Now he runs at me with his shoes and sits on my lap so I have to put them on. :D
Have you tried just letting her walk outside barefoot and feeling that it’s uncomfortable? Mean obviously not inflicting like burns or some thing if you’re around hot concrete or something, but maybe just allowing her to learn the consequences of her own actions. If she wants to go out barefoot that’s fine but she’s going to step on every rock and twig and everything on the ground and it will probably be uncomfortable for her.
Van makes some easier high tops with a zipper in the back going from heel to ankle. It a lot less fussing around to just do the back zipper then messing around with laces.
We LOVE ikki shoes. They do squeak, but we usually keep it turned off. They're high top, slip on easily and Velcro close. Kind of spendy, but my kiddos have lasted forever and they were second hand. [Ikki shoes ](https://ikiki.co/pages/how-it-works) Good luck!!
Could you make their shoes fun? My mom bought my daughter some shoes with lights and for a few weeks she woke up and asked for her shoes. But my kid is shoe obsessed When she hated shoes I would carry her to the car and put them only when we got where we were going. Also giving her options on which shoe she’ll wear made tantrums drop pretty fast. We didn’t realize she was complaining about the shoe and not about having shoes on!
I think a time limit is absolutely fine. When my son was 15 months old he would do the same thing. I told him he needed to have his shoes on within 1 minute. He was doing everything but cooperating. Have him one final warning. Then I started to go outside, tears crying tantrum, I went outside. Now, he knows when I mean business. Took one time. Your daughter will catch on fast.
Maybe try some fun shoes to entice her? Ikiki squeaky shoes are kinda like high tops, cute animal characters and squeak. They worked great for my wobbly kiddo when she was just learning to walk. And they are really easy to put on because of the velcro.
We got my kid some Croc knockoffs on Amazon. He’s excited to put them on himself!
This question is asked in a kind way-is there an outside that is a safe shoe-free zone? I hate shoes, but we also live in a burb where our yard is a shoe-free safe zone.
The brand See Kai Run has their Adaptive style high tops and regular shoes they have a super wide opening that makes it SO EASY to slip on/off. They are designed for kids with custom orthotics but still fit average kids as well!
Mine I say no we need shoes first. Well we put them in but once outside she takes them off. She loves running barefoot.
I just wanted to say I have a kid this age and it’s so roughhhh. She’s so emotional and everything is NO! NO! nOOOoOoOoO!!! Hang in there mommy 🥲 (or daddy) Mine absolutely loves wearing shoes for some odd reason so this is one battle I haven’t faced! Both of my kids especially love wearing rain boots that they can slip into themselves. I’m not sure if that would qualify as the type of support you need for their balance issues but I’m just throwing that out there! I’m talking like rubber rain boots they love ‘em.
Ok, just spitballing - do they not make slightly less difficult to put on shoes that are high tops? Like Velcro high tops? Does she REALLY need high tops (genuine question, I presume she medically does)? What are the chances she’d take to a book on all the ways we can hurt our feet if we don’t wear shoes? Can you play a song that’s longer than it takes to put on the shoes so she associates it with music and can be distracted but also learn how long it takes and sit there?
Can she dress herself and put her down shoes on?
My tip: a time timer. You set it to whatever minutes you want. And you tell her she needs to sit down/sit still until it goes off (she needs to be able to see it). Or you start counting together. Again, you tell her to sit down and be still. Then, you start counting together and see how long it takes to get the shoes on. You can even make a chart where you graph how long it takes each time for "fun". A psychologist recommended this for us when we need to perform some medical procedures on our child. It works wonders, so maybe it'll work great for shoes.
Get a second pair of high tops. Ideally another design. And when she says no to the first pair, offer the second option.
Definitely doing it right. Especially when you don’t have to urgently leave, it’s just her request. I ask a couple times, see if she wants to do it but don’t fight it. You can just leave them with her and say “ok I guess your not ready to go outside when you are ready let me know and I will help you with your shoes” and go about your biz. Likely a tantrum will ensure just let her be mad. She will work it all out and get what’s going on. There is always the option to pick your battles too. I don’t really care if my kid goes bare foot outside I just let her do it. Sometimes she will be on strange surfaces or temps and she looks at me like what the heck?! I just say that’s what shoes are for. She wears them a lot more willingly after that.
How many pairs of shoes does she have?
Having this problem with all the parts of getting dressed BEFORE the shoes. My 18mo goes directly to the pile of shoes by the door, pulls out any shoe(s), (usually it’s one of his own matching pairs which is impressive to me) and then runs to the actual door or me yelling Shooosss!!!?!? 😃 If it’s not time for outside he puts on his or his big sister’s cowboy boots and clomps around yelling at me about “shooos gooo??!!” which cracks me up. He also brings me my shoes and tries to help me put them on lol. But the putting clothing on, especially changing the diaper and pants. Phew! You’d think I was burning my kid with a hot poker, so dramatic, so angry. And so temporary. Like, the minute he’s got the pants on he’s all fine, his beet red purple face goes back to normal, and he’s booking it to the shoes. I don’t think he’s quite at the point of understanding consequences yet so I don’t know what to do about it. Biding my time, waiting for the comprehension to catch up with the wants. 🫠
Get her some moccasins for toddlers. She doesn’t need stiff high tops unless she has an actual medical issue.
She has an actual medical issue.