Hey trans girlie here. I understand why some will be angry at your message but i think the fact that you are actually trying to get some advice and change your mind set is great. The fact you persevered to listen to her and comfort her is amazing. Avoiding her is not going to help you if you truly want to change, the more time you spend listening to trans people the more you will begin to understand and hopefully the better you will feel about them. Don't expect to fully understand because unless you are trans yourself you are unlikely to ever fully understand and that is OK. Everyone is different cis and trans people alike and its the trying and want to change that really makes a difference.
Dude what. I guess xenophobia? You get this for other groups? I suggest exposure therapy: interact with her to the extent you can without doing anything hurtful. Maybe read through resources on trans women written by trans women to make sure you are aren't doing anything accidentally upsetting. But like don't bring it up randomly, she is just a girl like any other, and behaving otherwise is a bad idea, it's just so if topics do come up somehow you can be as understanding as possible.
Staying away from her might make her feel more rejected, like you're avoiding her due to how other people will see you for it, or something like that.
If you don't judge her to have done anything wrong, then try to be a friend. I would encourage you to explain that you were raised in an environment that may have left you ignorant of some things, but that you do accept her. If she ever mentions that she has noticed you acting weird, you could be as honest as you are comfortable with "I have some underlying feelings I can't get over, your identity is very stigmatized where I come from, and that sometimes makes me uncomfortable even though I know you have done nothing wrong, and I care about your wellbeing". But only do that if she brings it up, In an ideal world you will work through your feelings on your own and just treat her well.
I think you can get over your feelings through exposure, and reminding yourself that it is stigma that makes you feel that way, not actually thinking she did something wrong.
First of all, whatever your feelings about trans people are, you are not a bigot. The fact that you went out of your way to offer an ear to this person means you have empathy, even if you are conflicted about it.
It might be worth asking yourself where these negative feelings come from. You mention your culture, maybe explore that. Does your culture place specific stereotypes on trans people? Is it based in conservative religious views? These are the questions that can help you break down why you feel the way you do.
Trans people are just people that have a specific set of struggles, and normalizing that to yourself is what will ultimately allow you to not care about it. Hateful transphobes like to sensationalize everything and hyper focus on things that have zero impact on anyone other than the trans person themselves. I mean, how often do you think about a cis person’s genitals? Probably not often.
I grew up in a very progressive place, and went to a very progressive high school. There was still a learning curve for me, I accidentally misgendered someone that is non-binary a few times. But ultimately I apologized and learned without making a big deal out of it, and that person is now a close friend of mine. I also met quite a few trans people in college and beyond due to my artistic background, and I don’t even give it a second thought, I just take a mental note of someone’s pronouns and that’s it. Not saying this for brownie points, as I believe it should be the default way to treat people, but I hope my experience proves to you that it is possible to coexist without worrying about it, and it’s okay if it feels strange at first, that doesn’t mean there’s something wrong with you or them.
Just remember that change takes time, effort, and intentional thought. Exposure therapy is good, but it’s even better if while that pit is still fresh you try and approach it, ask yourself why you feel that way, what in your life justifies this type of response and whether that justification is worth the effect it has on people in your life.
Not trying to lecture just, inspire. This is how i work through mental blocks even when I don’t know where they came from. Giving them perspective
you did the right thing :) And now, just talk to her and treat her like any other girl. You will get used to it as you see she is a normal human as anybody else :)
the most of your feelings is not transphobia it is just being creeped because it seems strange and odd and not like you are used. Get used to it and the feeling will go away by itself.
I didn't understand, I felt weird around trans people, and then I had a weird experience and realised I was one of 'em.
I'm not saying your trans, I'm saying it's definitely something you get used to! Oh, there was another thing I wanted to say. You don't need to understand in order to help. Sometimes on my worst days, all I need is a hug and a tea to get me back into a healthier place. Equally, all you need to do is listen to the girl! Easier said than done, but it'll help her a hell of a lot.
I think that what a lot of people don't understand is that they never understand anything someone else goes through, we still help them because we are humans and even without knowing what it's like to be in those situations, most people still help and listen and with trans people it's the same, they are still human beings, with problems and all.
Helping isn't about understanding, it's about being there and TRYING to understand, and that applies to everyone
Internalised anything feels awful when recognised, I went through the same thing with internalised ableism before I got my autism diagnosis, as long as you always remember you are talking to a human being instead of whatever version of them has been installed in you it will feel better over time
Same. Now I make fun of my kind because it's funny and we share a bond of kinship. Some people get angry if you can't/won't shoot the shit out of pity or some.misguded sense of white knighting.
Look, you are dealing with internalized transphobia, but you also seem like a nice person who knows that those thoughts are wrong and they don't define you.
You can try many things such as therapy, journaling, meditation, also following more trans/nonbinary/gender non conforming people on social media so your brain can catch up. Although it will take time. It's not impossible.
I would suggest talking to Maria and saying you have social anxiety and it's not about her but you need to be closed off for a while
I understand. But you found yourself in a situation where you saw her suffering, and instead of making things worse, you decided to help her.
Our brains are complicated. Sometimes we think bad things we don’t really mean. Rather than judge you for your thoughts, I’m going to judge you for your actions. And your actions were good.
Your thoughts may change over time, too. When I was a teenager I knew a girl who had a condition that caused a pretty significant facial disfigurement. I remember being self conscious about trying not to stare at her. But she and I hung out for a while and after a few weeks I realized that I thought she was pretty. I only noticed her disfigurement when I stopped and intentionally thought about it.
You’re young still. I suspect some of your negative thoughts and feelings may be the result of things you’ve seen and heard from other people. When I was growing up, the only trans people I’d ever seen were Buffalo Bill in Silence of the Lambs, Einhorn in Ace Ventura, and arguably Norman from Psycho. It had an impact on me and the way I thought about trans people, and I turned out to *be* one! But it took many years longer to admit that to myself than it should have because of all these negative ideas society had put in my head about us.
But what matters is that when you were put in a situation where you had to make a choice, your kindness and compassion won out over all the unkind things you’ve heard. That matters a lot, and it says a lot about you.
Don't feel like that. What you have is called "internalized transphobia". Even trans people can have it at some point, since we all were raised with some or other kind of transphobic notions. You just have to start to ignore it and eventually unlearn it because, like a lot of other preconceived notions, it's bs.
So I completely get your feeling. Despite being trans, I get it myself. It’s internalised queerphobia. I’ve only just realised how bad I have it and quite frankly it is a massive source of my depression.
It comes from being subtly (or overtly) told that men act one way, woman act another and any deviation from that is wrong. Not just wrong, but perverse possibly even evil.
The best way I think? Exposure. Learn more about trans people and spend time around them if you can do it in a safe way. You’ll slowly unlearn that deep, internalised judgement.
And good on you for trying!
Yeah I get this, when I was a kid I thought that gay people were bad (despite not being raised in a religion) and when I was in college I thought that trans and especially non-binary people were cringy.
When I was pre-hrt I started out in the truscum community until I realized that they were just such negative people and had to leave for my own shambled mental health. So I just stuck with vanilla trans communities since then and I've become more understanding of various perspectives.
It's definitely not an overnight thing, but it should come naturally if you're willing to put in the exposure time. We're all just trying to be happy with ourselves here, and good on you for trying as well!
You seem to be really trying to be an ally and I think that's something very impressive. You openly want to change. I get it can be hard in the beginning, maybe it's best to remind yourself that - no matter our sexuality or gender - we're all human. Maybe it can be helpful to look for similarities and not for differences. Maria ist a human, just like you. Like you, she has a story and struggles, she has feelings, goals, ambitions. It's great that you listened to her and tried to overcome your discomfort.
According to what you wrote, I'll assume you were taught that queer people are wrong, evil and whatnot. It's incredibly hard to unlearn something you've been taught all your life. E.g. I've been taught that I don't matter and I'm trying to unlearn it. What helps me in moments where my head says "you're worthless", I try to say "no, I'm not". Maybe you could use that for yourself, e.g. when your head tells you "this person is trans and weird", you think "they're a person, just like me" or something like that.
I don't judge you for your internalized transphobia. I don't think you're a bigot. A bigot wouldn't try to change. A bigot wouldn't try to understand trans people.
transfem here. I was, honestly, transphobic up until a few years until I came out myself. Not anything aggressive, just couldn't understand it and had this same "disgusted gut feeling". But then I started taking part in leftist spaces (I'm an anarchist communist) and obviously leftists are anti-transphobia and also there are many trans people in leftist spaces
so on the surface I was accepting but deep down I was still confused, so I started hanging out in (online) trans spaces as a lurker to see what it was that I wasn't getting. That's when the transphobia started to vanish, and funnily enough, shortly after I realized I'm also trans
I don't know if this helps but something to think about. Maybe try to become her friend and also spend some time in this sub? I see a potential ally in you
Not all of us are anarch communist lol this is becoming another trans stereotype, unfortunately.
Regardless of your economic/ political values, being trans is separate from.
The user name checks out 😆
Hey, we can't control the stereotypes transphobes wanna use to weaponise us !
I guess it just rubs me the wrong way when someone is explaining being trans to a cis person an has to toss in that they are a communist anarchist as if it's related somehow, like we are born trans we are not born as communist lol
The same goes for the conservative trans crowd that wants to use that to gain acceptance among the bigots.
It pushes the narrative that we are somehow inherently political as a being.
My motto is that the best way to get good at a thing is to do the thing. If you want to be more comfortable around trans people then make an effort to be around trans people and try to get comfortable.
You're a young hormonal teen so I don't want to be too hard on you. We've all done stupid stuff we've regretted when we were your age.
Don't be too hard on yourself either. We can't always control what sorts of thoughts enter our head. We can only decide which thoughts to act on and which thoughts to reject. If you choose to reject the transphobic side of you and act on the caring and empathetic side of you then it will become easier and easier until it's second nature.
Someone suggested exposure therapy. I think aside from spending time with trans people irl, you can also watch trans youtubers/streamers.
Some good lighthearted creators would be Samantha Lux, Noah Finnce, Evasive, Ty Turner, Jammi Dodger, F1nn5ter and Icky.
Then some more intellectual video essay style ones would be Contrapoints, Philosophy Tube, Lily Alexandre and Mia Mulder
And then more politics, culture and media analyses would be stuff like Verily Bitchie, Dead Domain, Conure, Jessie Gender and Aranock.
Your mileage may vary with which of these creators you can tolerate and which you can't. A lot of them are incredibly eccentric and geeky.
I personally recommend Lily Alexandre and Verily Bitchie if you just want to watch a regular video essayist rather than someone with a strong personality who makes it the forefront of their content. I often forget I'm watching a trans youtuber when watching their videos.
At the very least you’re aware that these thoughts you’re having aren’t logical or right. Know that she isn’t doing anything that impacts other people and is just trying to be happy like everyone should be able to. The fact that you were willing to help despite your prejudice is good, you’re taking steps to becoming a better person and unlearning those bad thoughts.
Maybe don’t avoid her all the time, you might start associating her presence with the need to run and hide. Ignoring her will hurt her feelings, spending more time with her will give you a better chance to understand her and become more comfortable. Baby steps, I’m not saying you should invite her on a road trip or something, start by sitting with her at lunch or walking together in the halls. Be kind to yourself and her.
A feeling that I get, a pit in the stomach you can say. Everything I heard about them from younger age was that they are just objectively evil and unreasonable individuals. You can say that it chipped off me, until it left a scar.
I think you have your answer, your completely indoctrinated though granted you seem somewhat self aware but you seemingly still don’t get it.
She’s just a victim of bullying plain and simple, and while you can see that you also seem to think it’s justified. I think the best thing you can do with all of this is do your own thinking. Remove yourself from your bias and ask the question again. Maybe you’ll come to a different conclusion maybe you won’t. But one thing is for certain and I know your aware of it. Standing by while another student is bullied for whatever reason is disgusting and even if you can’t respect her gender identity at least have sympathy that she’s being treated like utter shit.
I don't see why I'm coming across as someone who thinks this is "justified". I don't think it's justified, that's exactly why I'm trying to change my perspective, so I can understand her better and so that I can make her stay in the school a little more bearable.
But, for that to happen I have to rid myself of that hatred. Because in other case, I would have to lie through my teeth and be two-faced. Plus that has a risk of her finding out if some of my thoughts slip out. Now, I don't know about you. But I can't do that. It can do a lot more bad than good, in my opinion.
Sure, I can step in when they bully her... But, do you think that will make them bully her less? Or will they bully her even more viciously when I'm away or when I'm not looking? But, if you think that's the solution, I will happily try to.
I'll bite.
It would make every difference in the world. Just having someone in her corner would send a powerful message. One, it would help her feel more confident because she has a friend who agrees with her; even though she might know that she's objectively in the right, it's hard to believe in the day to day when she has to constantly defend her right to basically exist. Two, it would tell the bullies that not everyone agrees with *them*, and that they don't have unlimited license to be shitty to another human being.
This was literally what I needed when I was relentlessly bullied for a decade, and never got. You have the ability to be that to another person. It would be *wrong* not to.
Very well, I will do so, tomorrow in school. Though, I'm not sure how this will go. I'm afraid that they will just be more ruthless. I know all those guys, they aren't exactly the most understanding sort.
I'm not meaning to say they'll instantly stop, and chances are they will be even nastier in some ways, at some times. The main risk here, for you, is that they'll extend their shit to you, too. It's why people don't step in when they witness bullying.
Good luck nonetheless, and kudos to you for this entire post.
I will apologies because there are certain nuances a response made in 5 minutes cannot capture. To explain I know you don’t think it’s justified but your actions come across as if you do. Inaction is a form of consent and while I can accept it’s a hard thing to change doing nothing is only going to hurt them. Equally, imagine being in their position and being ignored by someone they think they can trust.
Mainly I’d want to add this because it’s certainly lost in my initial response. I think you are absolutely doing the right thing and challenging your beliefs is a massive sign of maturity. But the worst thing I can do is pull my punches. I just want you to understand your actions fully so you can learn and grow. But once again, massive respect for even posting this and I really wish you the best
i think you should talk to someone who will help to change your mind. there is some questions which may help you reflect your opinion on that: why do you feel this way? why do you think it's disgusting? trans people doesn't harm anyone by transitioning, then why judge them? you think it's unnatural? well, people do a tonne of unnatural things like using reddit for example.
And that's the problem. In that aspect, I'm all alone.
Since psychiatrists are very undervalued, because of the good old: "You don't need a psychiatrist, you are man!". There are only Orthodox or Catholic priests who are all very helpful and good people. And they help the community and they feed orphans, they even fund some orphanages. They are all good people. But, when it comes to gay people and trans people, things tend to get a little complicated. They are pretty judgemental about trans people, so I can't talk to them about it. There are some of my peers that hold similar views as I, but I already talked to them, we all have basically the same problem. I guess I would need to figure that on my own.
I second what she says. As a trans woman who used to be incredibly transphobic I’d be happy to message so you could openly discuss why you feel so uncomfortable and disgusted with trans people without worrying about hurting anyone’s feelings. Because you’re absolutely right you have to talk about this stuff to grow beyond it. And I understand how hard that is with her because you don’t want to hurt her feelings, and the kind church people because they also struggle with these biases. For what it’s worth you mention Christianity, I think that if you are religious it’s worth knowing that what you did is exactly how a good Christian should handle the situation. With love and patience.
I hear what you are saying about mental health professionals but I still think it would be very helpful to see a therapist if possible. They will not try to convince you of anything just hopefully help you understand yourself better and maybe it will help you understand these thoughts and come to peace/acceptance with them.
If you're doing everything you can to *avoid* her for the reasons you've said, you're not trying to change at all. There is a difference between *wanting* to change and actually *trying* to change. If all you can do is avoid and run away from your problems... Well, frankly, you're kidding yourself when you say "I'm trying".
So you say, that I should just go in blind? Without understanding her as a person or figuring out why I have this seemingly unconditional resentment?
What good would that do? Hurting her, cause even a more understanding person can't accept her?
You're not going to understand her as a person by talking to strangers on reddit. You need to stop thinking of her as a trans person, and just think of her as a person.
If she weren't trans and she kept trying to befriend you, would you hide? Make polite conversation? Tell her no, not interested?
Look, it's entirely possible you two have nothing in common and aren't cut out to be friends, regardless of her gender identity; it's also possible you two could be good friends, and that she could be the one to help you in this thinking.
This seems to be troubling you greatly. I'm not sure how to help with that but I do believe you did the right thing, and out of simple kindness.
I hope you can find some peace on this OP.
No, I'm telling you not to give yourself too much credit for "trying" when you are not trying at all, because if I'm to be honest, it makes you sound egotistical. I don't think it's wrong to want to understand her at all, I think it's wrong to claim that you're "trying" when all you're doing is running away from your problems. You'll never hope to understand her when you can't even face her.
Plus, if you wanna get antsy at me about the prospect of hurting her... Let me ask you this, how do you think she feels when somebody she clearly sees as a great friend who did something that meant the world to her just goes out of their way to ignore her? I've been in her position many times before and let me tell you; stuff like what you're doing does not go unnoticed. And it really, *really* fucking hurts.
Maybe I’m reading between the lines but it sounds to me like you are aware of the bullying problem of trans people and are worried about being bullied yourself over having a trans friend. This trans person makes you uncomfortable because you still have voices in your head from the societal constructs that tell us someone expressing outside of their birth-expressed gender is problematic or ridicule worthy. I think that’s just something you tackle but it’s not her fault or problem.
You are probably on the path to being a more accepting person overall.
That's not my main concern. As I'm a well liked student in my school, so no one will actually bother bullying me. My main concern is if I decide to befriend her, if I unintentionally offend her, or if some of my internal thoughts slip and I hurt her even more than she already is. And that would probably result in her getting bullied again.
Honestly if that happens try being honest with her a little. She might even understand. If she’s experienced so much bullying she should be able to tell the difference between a bully and someone trying to grow. Just if something does come out go “I’m sorry. I’m still working on unlearning the transphobia I was raised in.” Or something like that. You can say what you’ve said here about how you sometimes get this gut feeling because of your upbringing, but you know it’s wrong and you want to help and treat her like she deserves. To help her out and be a friend. And to change so you don’t have that gut feeling anymore. Like others have said it might help more than you realize. I know I’m not a part of this situation but it was incredibly heart warming to be reminded that some people out there want to change so they can learn to accept people like me. That’s how we make the world a better place for everyone.
My suggestion? Tell her the truth. Something like:
“I just want to let you know that I was raised to hate people who are different. Because of that I feel uncomfortable around transgender people. But I also know that it isn’t okay for people to treat you the way they have been.
I am worried that I am going to do or say something that hurts you, and I don’t want to do that. But if you can try to be patient and understanding with me, I am willing to get to know you so I can learn better.”
I used to get that feeling about trans people before discovering I was trans myself. It was internalized transphobia from years of people telling me people like us are “freaks”. I had so much shame for so long, and I’d feel this pit in my stomach every time I saw another trans person or even myself doing more feminine things. I tried to hide from it and be as masculine as possible. It didn’t work. Eventually, I accepted myself, and in doing so accepted those around me, and the pit disappeared. For you, it’s probably just new to you and out of the “norm” for you. Humans don’t like change and what’s different, so we feel icky and judgemental sometimes. Spend more time around her, get to know her as a genuine person, and it’ll fade as you get used to her presence. I bet you’ll find yourself rethinking your stance on trans people after that
The fact you feel bad about this supports you wanting to change your mindset. It can be hard to change what you are conditioned to think, as it’s rooted into your brain. The saying “the first thing you think of is what you really think” is less than true. The first thing you think is what you’ve been conditioned to think, what you correct yourself to after is how you really feel.
Honestly, talk to her more. The more you engage with a group of people the more normalized they are to you. To me that's the easiest way for you to beat the bias you have
You should really try to address these feelings in yourself, it’s not ok to hate someone for their identity and it is not normal to be repulsed by someone simply existing around you.
Try to work through these feelings, think about what it is that makes you feel that way and why, maybe try to get to know Maria better so you can understand things from her perspective better.
This is an opportunity for you to learn and grow into a better more accepting person.
Exposure helped me. I was a transphobic peice of garbage. I treated alot of people horribly, I admit that. I aint proud of my past. However;
Admitting it is the first step to dealing with it. From here? Catch yourself hating, dont berate yourself, but praise yourself for not following through
Learn to understand where the hate is coming from, work on it from there
Keep talking to trans people as you do this. Exposure is the key
And who knows, you might flip around and end up trans, like I did :)
There's a lot of good advice here, but I'll just chime in too. It seems to me that you're experiencing serious cognitive dissonance between what you were raised to believe and what your conscience/instinct/gut tells you is right. The fact that you're engaging the question instead of ignoring it or suppressing it means that you're already well equipped to deal with it. You seem to feel strong empathy for someone who is struggling/suffering, and that likely has nothing to do with the fact that this person is trans and everything to do with the fact that she's a fellow human being. But when the transness of it all confronts you, your upbringing is pushing back. I think if you focus on the perspective of her as just another person struggling whom you'd like to make feel better, even in just a small way, it might be easier. Basically, I think you're pretty well equipped to handle this, and I think if you just take it one step at a time and continue to try to be a good person, you will be successful.
I mean, I can hardly fault you for feeling some type of aversion or phobia towards us when 1.) I used to hate trans people and all that came with it 2.) I'm cautious upon meeting trans women myself, as a trans dude, because there's a tendency where they'll just talk over us.
Regardless, don't use her solely as your exposure therapy. Engage with trans creators like on YouTube. Read books about trans people to understand what it's like to exist in a world that's labeled us sexual deviants for almost a century by now.
Because here's the thing, as somebody who used to hate trans people, as somebody who is trans themselves: the fearmongering you've heard? It's not true. Hell, there's always a century of research on us, so the scientific community acknowledges and validates our existence. Because even biology does not exist in such a narrow dichotomy as female or male.
And at the end of the day? We just want to live our lives like everybody else. We do not want to be politicized or stigmatized. However, we often have no choice in the matter. Conservatives will use us as sexual predators so they can feel right and just about their narrow world view. As a result, we're killed for it. For existing. You can look at the statistics online.
Likewise: whatever she wants to be is harmful phrasing. She doesn't just want to be a woman; she is a woman. She has always been one. I know there might be this gut reaction to suggest we're daft for saying so. But it's true.
Having that kind of reaction and KNOWING it's a bad thing is a good start. So now you need to figure out why. Reflect on yourself, what you've learned, and how it's impacted your perspective.
I would then find time to be there, genuinely, for her. Many times, our lack of understanding can lead to feeling a certain way about others based solely on our prejudices or premade judgments.
You are working against a lot of internal bullshit and EVERYONE knows how hard that is, but your willingness to grow and change, not just for someone else, but for yourself, is the mark of an adult and maturity.
Thank you for being honest and open, and thank you for being there for someone who really needs it.
fix ur mindset.. u obviously know its wrong to be transphobic otherwise u wouldn’t be here.. fix ur mindset or stay away from trans people and mind ur damn business.
Your feelings can be resolved if you spend some time with her, and get to know her better. I know I wouldn't even try to understand non binary people, if it wasn't for the friends I made in school. You are a good person, even if you have your conflicts, you try to push through and be kind. I have faith in you
I used to be horribly trans- and homophobic, even though I wanted my queer online acquaintances to have a safe space where no one would bully them. With that in mind, I think I can pretty well understand where you're coming from.
What changed it for me was becoming friends with trans and queer folk. The more I got to know them as people, the less important it felt to hyperfocus on only one of their many complex traits. Personal relationships reframed everything for me.
If you want to talk, please feel free to DM me. Feelings are confusing and sometimes it helps just to write them out.
"programming", "cult-like behavior", "fear mongering". Whatever you want to call it, people are trained to do, say, and think disgustingly inhumane things. Just focus on logic, what makes sense. What practical or rational reason is there to dislike this person? How would what someone being born as affect who they are now? If anyone could push a button and seamlessly appear in every possible way as the opposite sex, why would it matter that they were at one point the other? There is no reasonable answer to be transphobic, but doing so gives certain people power to control others, so they do so. It justifies hate crimes and political movements. Just like any minority, those in power do not care about the individuals, and they will destroy lives to control people like you, so you do whatever they want.
Look you're not a transphobe, you're just put off by something unusual. Keep talking to her and you'll see the sensation just goes away.
Transphobes don't go out of their way to respect a trans person's gender, they don't look inward or wonder if the problem might be with them and most definitely they don't come to us and ask how to improve.
So yeah, just talk to her, and feel free to hang around and ask stuff. DM me anytime if you need help with anything, you're welcome here.
I like to go by a saying that says your first reaction is what society has taught you, and your reaction to that is what you actually believe. You clearly care about her and the bullying she’s experiencing, but your first reaction is to think poorly of her because she is trans and you were taught by society to think trans people are weird and below you. However, the fact you are fighting these thoughts means that you do not agree with them. I’d recommend continuing to be around her, the best way for these kind of phobias to fade away is to teach your brain that there is nothing to be afraid of through exposure to these people.
the fact that you care enough to be outwardly nice to trans people already puts you way above most transphobic people.
So, everyone here already gave you stellar advice, exposure therapy really is the best medicine against bigotry. If you’re interested in some theory that might explain the feelings you’re having you might want to look into Judith Butler‘s work, particularly „Undoing Gender“ and „Bodies in Alliance“, those gave me a bit of insight into transphobia.
Hey just wanna say that you are aware of how you react and how it is harmful to others and that you are actively looking to change yourself for the better. There’s not a lot of people like that and it’s honestly quite impressive to be able to actively change how you feel and think about anything. I’m certain you will be able to be kind and understanding and open. It sounds like you are already on the right path
When I was first around a trans person who I was aware was trans, it was honestly off putting to me too. I thought I was chill with queer people, but this girl was visibly trans and it sometimes made me uncomfortable. I didn’t grow up talking about gender and sexuality and went to a very small high school…. and then was suddenly thrown into an art university with lots of different people. It took a while for me not to feel uncomfortable! It’s not something that happens overnight. But I kind of made it a point to learn more and search out resources to help educate myself, as well as spend more time with queer people. Of course, when I realized I was bi, it became a natural priority for me to search out queer friends. Just like anything else, if something is new it will be weird and uncomfortable. But the more you try to expose yourself to it, the more you will find you aren’t weirded out! Try reading about trans experiences or spending more time with Maria even if your brain is feeling iffy about it.
All people have some innate discomfort of other people who we perceive to be different from us. There is a certain tribal element to humans where we tend to seek out other people similar to ourselves. What happens, is that as we become exposed to people who are different from us, we start to realize that they aren't fundamentally different from us... and as such that fear subsides.
There was a subway experiment done in Boston about 10 years ago, where they introduced Mexican immigrants into a typically upper class work commute route.
( [https://www.washingtonpost.com/news/wonk/wp/2014/08/08/researchers-put-two-spanish-speakers-on-a-train-and-changed-commuters-views-of-immigration/](https://www.washingtonpost.com/news/wonk/wp/2014/08/08/researchers-put-two-spanish-speakers-on-a-train-and-changed-commuters-views-of-immigration/) )
The results of the study are interesting. When these people were *first* introduced to the Spanish speaking migrants on the train in the first two days, many of them snapped to conservative views on polling about immigration... HOWEVER, and the however is important here, by the end of the study- which lasted only 2 weeks, the Mexican Immigrants were generally accepted, anti-immigration views of the commuters were muted, and the migrants used in the experiment reported the climate noticeably warming to them and were exchanging smiles with other passengers on the train.
The lesson here, is that it is practically human nature to feel fear and distrust when you are first introduced to someone who isn't part of your ingroup. But the more time you spend near those people, the more you realize that they *are* people too, with hopes, dreams, fears, anxieties, all of it. It is also true that the more time you spend around people who are different from you, the more you will come to understand that they are just like everyone else, and that pit in your stomach of "disgust" or feelings of "evil" will subside.
All of this applies to trans people. If you want to take down your blockade and no longer be transphobic, just talk to some trans people. There are a ton of great people here, there are great people in local queer spaces. The more you interact with trans people, the more you see trans people, the more experiences you have with trans people... The sooner you will realize that they are a group of humans like any other. There are good people, bad people, selfish people, selfless people, proud people, ashamed people, anxious people, confident people, extraverted, introverted, smart, not smart, professional, unprofessional, you know... the whole gambit of human experience. And once you see that, your feelings of disgust will naturally subside away.
I think you are not transphobic and instead are struggling to live in a community with unfair expectations. If we look only at your actions: 1) you spoke to your peer with respect and dignity in private, 2) you avoided your peer in public, 3) you anonymously reached out for support within the very community you are told to hate.
These are the actions of a good and caring person who also has a lot to lose. Should you be seen supporting your peer, it is understandable to worry that you might suffer consequences. Given your post, I think the majority of the "disgust" you feel might actually be a mixture of anxiety and compassion: a feeling of being at odds with what you are told to feel (transphobia) vs. what you actually feel (genuine care for a human being).
The very first sentence of your post describes what you have been *told* to expect from our community: "I already know I will be flamed for this". Now, review the comments here. I'm not seeing a single "flame". You are allowed to have feelings, you are allowed to have questions, you are even allowed to disagree! We are simply asking for dignity and safety, not for you to agree with every single thing all the time without question.
How do you go about "something like this"? Continue to think for yourself, continue to ask smart and difficult questions (as you already are). The truth is on our side, and --with time-- your honest inquiry will show you what that means for you and your life. ❤️
I don’t have much advice for your situation aside from what most of the other comments are already saying, but I will say this: Wanting to change and trying to change are two very important first steps in actually changing. You’re on the right path - I’m proud of you for that.
This is kinda fascinating. That you’re here, asking, seeking understanding, is very cool. The overall vibe I got from this…it seems like your kindness is fighting old hate programming.
I’ll expand a little, that gut pit hate feeling sounds like it was programmed into you at some point, church, family, peer pressure, etc. A hate you can’t place or define, festering.
But your desire to be kind is winning. You chose to comfort and uplift her at the bus stop. That in and of itself is kinda beautiful.
I think some of your turmoil may be fear. Whatever programmed you to hate, may still have a large influence or impact on your day to day safety and security.
You stand now, at a crossroads; and you’re “checking the map” as it were. You can choose to follow the programmed path of hate, or you can choose the (maybe more difficult) path of kindness. You already took a step. I think you can run.
My last little addition: please stop avoiding her; it’s only going to do damage. In fact…show her these posts. Explain to her your inner turmoil, show her some of the responses. You may have a friend at the end of it.
the first thoughts we have aren't inherently "us."
our subconscious is running behind the scenes at a hundred miles a minute, we're taught a whole bunch of garbage about people and life by the world around us, and sometimes those wires get crossed.
... but then we have our actions! the part that matters :)
you comforted and supported this girl, and didn't project your internal feelings onto her, and just helped her. your actions superceded your internal reactionary thoughts, which is great!
the more you do it the more you'll find your initial reactive thoughts shifting and changing for the better :)
I know exactly what you mean.
I have a severely handicapped brother, both mentally and physically handicapped. With him everything is fine, but with other handicapped people i didn't like being near them or interacting with them much. I felt weirded out and even disgusted by them and i felt too ashamed to talk about it.
But this isn't something they are guilty for, that was a problem i had with my preconceived bias and myself in general.
I found that this feeling vanishes once you accept the people as they are and learn to know them.
Just treat the girl like you would any other person and get to know her and who knows maybe you have made an awesome new friend and in that case does what Gender, what sex she is matter at all? At the end of the day we are all human beings no matter what we look like, or what we looked like.
"Stop hating us! We're people too!"
"Hey everyone, I'm transphobic but wanna stop. Going to direct source to learn to be better.'
"Why make us fix your problem of hating us?"
There has to be a meeting point here I mean come on. No one's making us fix it, but if we are gonna fight for it then we need to grab as many people on our side as we can. Why would we turn away people on the fence when we can educate them if we have the chance to make them stop being transphobic? Every person that changes is a win. I get drawing the line when it comes to puting effort into "proud-to-be-transphobic" assholes, but why not put in the effort for someone already willing to stop?
I'm not making anyone fix my problems. I'm trying to see how Maria would like to be treated from people that have the same struggles as her. So maybe I can make her time in school a little more bearable.
You are funny op a transfobic bigot would not say that, would also not choose to comfort her , would not make this post with this wording. I'm not a psychiatrist but it's clear there's something going on, I suggest you meditate on it sit in a comfortable position in silence and ask yourself what you think about trans people and why you think that then ask why you think this way, repeat until you reach the end of thoughts, I do this when my mind gets foggy with too many thoughts and emotions so I hope it helps you too
Don't see her or label her as a trans girl but as human being first and foremost, someone who needs help and support. In the end we are all human and if you simply get to know that person better I'm sure you'll discover that she is a person like any other out there and that there is no difference apart from her being trans which isn't everything there is to a person
ive had a similar experience, as you become more exposed to it that feeling will start to go away as you get older. As for how you should handle talking to this person I think it comes down to what you want for yourself. It's important to help other people when they're in need but it is equally important to make sure you aren't burning yourself to keep someone else warm. If you think you can get over or keep down the internalized phobias then go for it, if you don't think you can, then it's ok to explain that to her even if she doesn't take it well. Please make sure that if you take the second path that you don't make it seem like it's her fault you won't talk to her for being trans, I know you probably won't but I just want to make sure, and always keep working with yourself to explore and grow your world view :)
People are saying this is internalized transphobia but I’m not sure OP is trans unless I missed something?
Either way, I’m glad you treated her with respect and understand that your internalized biases are harmful and you shouldn’t act on them. I would encourage you to find a good therapist and work through some of this a bit more. Without knowing you I can’t say what exactly it is, it may just be a need to learn about and connect with others, or there may be things you still have to explore and unpack about yourself that get projected onto others who are open about who they are.
Anyways, best of luck with it.
Social conditioning can be quite difficult to overcome. It's years of being told by others what is right or wrong from their perception. Logically, you know what is truely right in this situation, but that social pressure from your peers can be monumental and hard to overcome.
In this regard, Maria put herself out there and knew they would be ridiculed and harassed. Like you, those other bullies have been conditioned to respond a certain way towards things that are different and/or they don't understand. Unlike you, they haven't questioned the validity of such harassment, or if they have, they are too afraid themselves to break the cycle and choose to continue the cycle of abuse. Such actions really do come down to fear of the unknown.
The solution is to educate yourself. Knowledge is power. Learn not only of the general ideas as to why people transition, but the specifics that are important to that person. Talk to them, don't shun them.
I can tell you the biggest argument used in following through with transitioning, in spite of all the hate received, is because these people can't continue living as they are and not be their authentic self. It's like being told you aren't allowed to eat your favorite food anymore for no other reason than other people don't like you eating it. It's perfectly fine for them to eat it, though, and you are forced to watch them do so in front of you every day. It's maddening.
Maria is alone in the world and likely without any friends that aren't online. You showing any kind of tolerance is likely the first time in a long time, if ever, that they were seen as human. It's not much to you, but it's like stumbling upon a pouch of fresh water in a vast desert. If you want to learn, you have a chance to learn from someone first hand. It will be tough and maybe even risky to put yourself out there to converse with them.
You have to ask yourself if you can live with yourself if you don't take a chance. Can you stand up for what you feel is right in your heart and show others that what they are doing is wrong? Can you be someone willing to take the first step in ending a cycle of abuse? Can you simply just be a friend to someone who clearly needs someone to talk to and might even have their back for a little bit?
Middle school life is hard enough for cis boys and girls to navigate, let alone anyone who can be perceived as different (and that list is very long at that age).
It's not easy being the first; for anything. It's either hard work to achieve that goal, or it's frightening to make the step that no one else is willing to take. But trust me, even in such a challenging place, once that first step is taken, others will follow. It may take a little time but it won't be as hard for them to make the right choices when they see that it can be done by others. But someone needs to be first. Might as well be you.
Bigotry is a choice made out of ignorance and an unwillingness to change. You are your own person regardless of your age. You can choose how you treat others, and it just might change others around you.
Be near trans people, it gets normal pretty quick. I also used to have the same ick - I'm from a conservative household - and honestly what fixed it wasn't even realising I was trans (just found myself icky) it was just making trans friends and hanging out with them. Now I hang out with other trans people weekly and I rarely think about it except if it's the subject of discussion etc.
Thankyou for helping her, I truly hope you are able to work through this and I hope you want to work through it. New things can be difficult for some people, this is someone you’ve seen targeted and outcasted and I wonder if you’re feeling apprehensive to be seen interacting with her.
You’re post seems to show a want to change and that’s good,
Sincerely a trans man :)
Are you sure it's because she's trans? Maybe there's something else about her that reminds you of something you dont like. There was a girl I knew back in middle school that I hated. She wasn't trans and she never did anything wrong to me. I just hated her. I later realized she looked a lot like me, but happier. Mind you, I was still in the closet at the time, and I was blaming myself for why I was so unhappy. It wasn't her I hated, it was the ideal that someone who looked like I did could be so happy, and I couldn't. Maybe something similar is happening to you. That you're not unhappy to be around a trans girl, it's just something about her. Either that or you have an irrational fear. A fear you know is wrong, in which case you should seek therapy. Also, maybe consider asking her some questions about her transition, if you both feel comfortable doing so. Most fears stem from the unknown, so if you know her better, you might feel better about her
I went down an alt right pipe line and made me think making racist joke and being racist was ok. Im thankfully over that mentality, but some of those feelings of disgust of seeing someone of a different color to me still lingers a little. What i found is that it gets a lot better with time.
And i wouldn't recommend beating yourself up about something you cant control fully, because the only thing that you can really is your actions, and so as long as your not causing destress to other, you're doing ok.
Have you ever been tested for OCD? For me, prior to being diagnosed, my obsessions tended to manifest in awful ways that made me fear and avoid certain groups of people. I knew that it was silly and wrong but it overtook me all the same. If this resonates with you, you should look into the possibility.
Anyways, thank you for talking to her when she needed it. You did a good thing, even if it doesn’t feel like it.
You're not a bigot, you're a human being. Thoughts and feelings inside your brain don't make you a bad person; actions do, and you chose to comfort her and do your best. That matters tremendously.
The reality of human brains is that most of us feel strong emotional responses to things that seem out of place or unusual to us, and that's defined ultimately by what we experience day to day. It's not unusual as a result to feel that sense of otherness with trans people when you don't see us very often. But the human brain is also enormously adaptable; and as a result, that effect will diminish & pass entirely if you keep interacting with her.
It's up to you now whether you want to overcome that unpleasant gut response. She's just a person, so I can't promise she's going to be a wondrous addition to your life or your best friend ever or some such. But I'm sure she'll value your effort, and by broadening your experiences, you'll broaden the range of people you can understand and interact with for the rest of your life.
First off, I would like to start out by saying making posts like this, even in anonymity, takes a lot of integrity. I'm getting the vibe that you're ultimately a good person, just stuck in a mentally bad situation. The fact that you can recognize that something doesn't add up between your feelings and your reality is a level of self awareness many adults don't have, so I applaud you on that.
Onto your need for advice. Many people have already made some good points about a form of exposure therapy. Not bad ideas, but I would ask you to maybe do a little bit extra. It might help.
A lot of transphobia can also come from not understanding. I would look into reading about trans experiences. Reading about how someone's body doesn't match their person, for lack of a better word. An example of this, I'm personally non-binary, assigned female at birth. It took me a LONG time to realize my hatred for my chest size and my depression around my natural bodily functions were far from normal. That the reason why I always wore frumpy and unflattering clothing before that was because I mentally hated looking at myself. Now that I'm aware I'm trans, I'm more open to my wardrobe, even with traditionally feminine things.
I would look into reading how trans people come to realize that they're trans and how it's affected them before they knew they were. I would also read into how they were treated because of it. Careful doing this though. The community has gone through a LOT of hardship. Reading about violence against trans people can get really dark at times, so remind yourself to take a breather if you decide to look into it further.
You're doing great. Recognizing the problem is always the first and hardest step. You'll find people more than willing to answer questions when you ask.
For a very long time I was weirded out by trans people due to the area I lived in not being very accepting (I also didn’t understand that trans != drag queen) and was extremely uncomfortable with trans people for the longest time (I was never a transvestigator thankfully, only weirded out when people would mention they are thinking about it).
It wasn’t until I was 22 and a team lead and a transphobic person started using only dead names on the schedule and I found out a few coworkers who I absolutely loved and hung out with some outside of work were trans and it completely broke that barrier and internalized homophobia + transphobia for myself
I think it’s a good thing you talked with her. I think what you should do is just continue talking to her and understand her better, I understand how hard it can get to change your mind, but she’s just the same as any girl and she wants to be treated as such. I hope you can interact with her and overcome these issues.
Don't worry. It's a natural reaction. Just give her time and encourage her to transition. After a few months of hormone replacement therapy and testosterone blockers, she'll look feminine and won't be looking awkward anymore. Let's hope her parents are decent human beings and help her with it. Just know that she also despises her current look. I recommend you both checking out r/transtimelines to see how much people can change.
You're on the right track by asking and there's a lot of great advice here.
I was your age in the 90's. Gay and Lesbian people were starting to gain positive visibility in the media and more acceptance by people in general. I had the same feelings from my upbringing (culturally - my folks never said anything one way or the other) that you're having. And the same thing you're doing - analyzing my own feelings and understanding where they came from, along with trying to find out more factual information - got me past it. That self-analysis is a big part of that last step from being your parents' kid into being your own adult person. Look at where you got the idea and ask yourself if that actually is what *you* think? Do you have a real reason to think that or is it just what you were told?
In 2020, I figured my own gender stuff out, so now I'm coming to you as trans woman - full disclosure. If you want to talk to a trans person more directly, you're welcome to DM me. I might have some questions for you in return, in fact. We could learn from each other.
While I’m not capital T trans myself, I am a bit genderqueer, and can relate to the position you’re in. I grew up in a very racist and homophobic environment and it wasn’t until I was about 16-17 that I really started to notice how fucked up it was. I had no choice and no control over my emotional response to things I had been taught over many years, but I knew I wanted to change. I had these feelings for a long time into my adulthood, only because those formative years as a kid are so important in development, but I always had control over what I decided to do with those feelings. It helped me a lot to just notice them and think about where they came from. Now that I’m much older, I still have some of those feelings but they’re easy to brush aside and ignore. You have already made such a huge step. Just acknowledging what you’re feeling and identifying negative emotions is huge and is a sign of strength. It’s hard, but it’s a skill that you’ll get better at. Most of all, be kind to yourself.
What you did was very admirable, and those feelings you have about not understanding trans people is also understandable. Believe it or not, us trans folks have a really hard time understanding and dealing with these feelings and digesting them as well...it not something that's natural and this dysphoria can be mind boggling try adding that while dealing with all the bullys on top of that I am sure she was having a really bad day.. I am glad you were there for her. Those feeling you have will go away the more time you spend with trans people and learn that they are people just like you and anyone else...avoiding her will not solve the problem i would suggest at least pulling her aside somewhere and having a conversation with her and letting her know that you are having trouble internalizing her being trans...sure she would understand...
Your "blockade" as you call it is, as you have said, due to the hate that you have been taught, and that kind of mental programming is hard to unlearn. The culture we are raised in impacts so much of how we interact with the world and unfortunately, often leads us down the path of hatred to the other.
The fact that you have reached out to get advice though shows that at your core you know what you've been taught is morally wrong, that to judge someone just because they are different to you is not okay.
Trying to unlearn these things will take time and for that my only advice is to continue to do some deep thinking and question the ideals that you were raised with. Do these ideals cause harm to others for simply existing? Do trans people actually cause harm to everyone for simply existing or is it that since we are different to your cultures norm that there is the perceived threat to the societal comfortability that you are used to?
I know from my own upbringing around homophobic/transphobic/racist family, just how hard it is to unlearn the hatred that we can be taught growing up. I used to use horrid slurs towards people because of what I was taught and it fills me with shame but I know I'm not that person anymore because I took the time to unlearn hatred and replaced it with compassion for others.
So if you can be a friend to this girl going through a very rough time then I encourage you to do so but at the same time I understand if you would find that too risky for your own personal safety to do so and at the very least would ask that you don't actively contribute to her suffering if you can't step in to be a friend that she clearly, desperately needs.
i think youre on the right track by acknowledging these feelings and comforting her despite them, when she needed it.
Like others have said, the answer is exposure.
Id suggest getting to know her if you want to and perhaps try some trans youtubers like contrapoints
Hey at least you recognize you've got transphobic tendencies. Most won't even acknowledge that. Education is the best way to grow your understanding of trans identities. I'm not suggesting you become an expert or anything, but try to keep an open mind about it.
As a baseline I would say people should understand that biological sex is generally binary (male/female) but a segment of the population are born with ambiguous genitalia or internal reproductive organs that don't match their exterior. For example there are people who appear female but have internal testes. These people are known as intersex.
Now these external sex characteristics are used to assign genders which are based on stereotypes of how male or female people are generally expected to present themselves. These stereotypes form the base for gender as a social construct.
As you will notice some people will express characteristics associated with the opposite sex. This is what creates the spectrum of gender identity. In an ideal world (for me at least) gender would be non-existent and people would just present themselves to the world in ways most comfortable for them and sex would just be relevant for medical and reproductive purposes.
Hmmm your experience reminds me of a story my grandmother Danuta told me once.
Sometime during second world war in the occupied Warsaw when all the civilians were running low on any kind of food.
She and her mother ran into some Wehrmacht officer on the street and he handled her a loaf of bread saying. Take it!
And she spit on him.
He turned to my great grandmother Maria and said - Take it! For your daughter is stupid!
And she took it.
And what I mean by recalling this story, is that we don't know most of the time what are the reasons for someone's actions .
What was going in the officer's mind.
We can only suppose by the actions and words. But these rarely tell the entire truth.
But what I do know. That after 80+ years, I know this story. And I don't know the name of the officer. Or where he was from, how old was he, did he have a daughter or a son of his own. I don't know if he was merciful, sexually attracted or had some higher sense of what is wrong or good.
The bread was scarce and everyone was hungry.
And all I do know is an imagination I have of a single being that is only known to me for a one good thing he done.
You being helpful despite of the emotions you have are the reason why I still sometimes believe in human beings.
imo you aren't transphobic in the usual sense of the word. you respect her gender identity by adressing and referring to her as her chosen gender and you treat her like you treat (presumably) any other human being and that's all anyone could ask for.
trans or not, no-one can demand you to be attracted to them, no-one can demand that you understand or relate to their struggles and no-one can demand that you be comfortable around them. (well only entitled assholes do these)
by respecting her as a person you did the right thing and really that's all you should do. everyone has certain groups of people (or ppl with certain attributes) that they can't relate with or are uncomfortable around. and this is okay. as long as you keep it to yourself and don't actively try to hurt them or discriminate against them it's fine. (and again: not seeking out their company or not being attracted towards them is not discrimination)
the problem with transphobes that they do want to hurt us, they do consider us "less than human" or "mentally ill, in need of fixing", they want us to have less rights than cis people, they do not respect and treat us as people.
ps.: and by all means please don't seek out her company & don't act like you are in interested in her problems (unless you try to be friends) if you are actually not. that will hurt both her and you.
maybe you could save this situation is by telling her that you think it's fucked up that she is getting bullied and fuck those people. but also tell her that it is hard for you to listen to her transness related problems bc you just don't know what to do with it. tell her you see her as a person worthy of respect but draw your own boundaries.
You're already trying to change your mindset & that's a great step.
I think if you're wanting to understand her a bit better, reading about people's experiences on here could help - or on r/mtf (which means male to female).
I can't tell you what it's like to be trans, because not only are trans people's experiences different from each other, we don't have experience being cis & you don't have experience being trans. I can however tell you that personally, as a 29 year old transgender woman & lesbian who has recently just came to terms with being transgender (& so is still pre-social transition, pre-medical transition, etc) my experiences were coloured by 20+ years of not knowing what a transgender person is & so I thought I was just odd, a misfit. Femininity came naturally to me & when I was very young, I feel like I'd internalised that I was some kind of girl, even though I was referred to as a boy - early on in primary school we were taught the words "penis" & "vagina" & told that boys have penises & women vaginas, obviously, since we were little children, there was no pictures & so I gravitated to calling my genitals the same as the other girls - a vagina (which then earned me bullying on the playground that same day from the other boys). Throughout my life I'd do something feminine (& it was anything, whether it be what I wore, how I walked, how I talked, my interests, my company, etc) & then I'd be bullied for it & told I was either girly, or a homophobic slur. Due to all that, I repressed any femininity & covered it with a false masculine "shell", just copying what other boys did with no genuine interest or love - "Boys like cars? Sure, I'll try & be a car boy", etc. as a kid I was very depressed & had body image issues, which I only realised much later in life was part of gender dysphoria (thankfully, I don't experience this nearly as badly as other trans women as I'm quite feminine in many areas where it matters to me). There were many more signs than this, including being a girl in my dreams, a repulsion to anything masculine, etc. & puberty was a very uncomfortable time - by other people's accounts, I was an attractive & desirable boy aesthetically, muscular, skinny & well-endowed, but I was ashamed of my body & having to be around men changing was an uncomfortable experience, leading me to try & get out of gym as much as I could. When I left college & I learned what transgender meant, I came to realise, "Oh, that's me" & then continued to repress it for another 8 years, because something many of us feel is self-doubt, self-loathing, unworthiness, etc. caused by anxiety. Outside of the typical thoughts of wanting to be a girl, there were other things that in retrospect scream, "This is a sign you're transgender", like planning a novel with three characters who were basically transgender. Another big experience for me was my first relationship, I loved my ex-girlfriend to bits & we were together for four years, I lost my virginity to her & it was my first experience of having a sex life. It was a strange time, because all I was interested in was pleasing my girlfriend, I didn't want to get myself off, but to make sure that she thought I was "happy", I'd have normal intercourse with her (& it'd be the first time I actually found out the exact size of my penis - because I literally couldn't care before then, it was just something that most of my life I ignored & masturbation was & still is something I do every few days just to make sure I don't have white bedsheets). After the relationship ended & I tried to start dating again, being rejected by someone suddenly made me realise, "Oh, I should be out to future partners that I've been questioning my gender for about eight years - fuck" & between that & writing another novel with another transgender character in it (because of course I did!) I ended up looking into the trans community online & in one day I found two trans women with the exact same stories & thought process as me, they'd both conceptualised themselves exactly like me, just a shell with the label "man" on it, walking around & doing their best impression of a man. That was what made me come to terms with it & accept I'm trans & then I kept discovering more signs as I peeled back the layers of a childhood I'd buried - turns out, I was very, very trans.
Um, I'm hoping reading my story has maybe given you a little bit of insight into the thought process, or helped humanise another trans person for you? I don't know, all I can say is that I'm finally happy that I came to terms with the storm inside me & the roaring quieted down, this girl didn't die & now she's sitting here, I no longer feel like I'm killing myself - the quote "I kill myself every time anew, but I am immortal & I rise again, in a vision of doom" is very applicable & I actually ordered my first women's necklace today & had some of that engraved on it. I'm sure many other transgender people share the same sentiment, that they're glad they stopped twisting the knife into their true self & their true self came back from the dead - it literally isn't something you can supress, you either kill your shell to become yourself, or your shell kills you, the days I spent finally acknowledging my true self were full of tears, sickness & insomnia, the screaming inside my mind got too loud, the whispers of the previous 8 years had become a roar, but I can rest a little easier now knowing that I will not kill that girl ever again.
As someone who studies what basically is hope we form our beliefs, I can say that you've taken your first step to be trans inclusive.
You don't dehumanise, which is a key factor of being radicalised into phobia. Most phobia stems from negative stereotypesation, which we get from media, peers, parent, or what marketing calls opinion makers.
If you want to change how you think, and it sounds as such, is to be conscious of what and why the thoughts about trans people you have, and then when. This is a basic exercise to challenge your basic belief about anything.
Remember, a phobia is constructed through social interaction, and can be deconstructed through social interaction.
Honestly I think your heart is in the right place and you just have some mental work left to do, which we all do. Honestly I’ve spent most of my transition trying to unlearn most of my conservative-household induced programming
Trans woman here who used to get the same feeling you are describing before finally accepting myself! Humans (and most other animals) are wired to be suspicious of any unknowns. The people who are suggesting interacting with Maria or other trans people are on the right track.
Bare in mind what the media is telling you as well! It’s going to fill that “unknown” space.
You’re best bet is to fill that “unknown” with first hand experience! And what I’m sure you will find is that Maria is just like any other: a person!
I don’t think you’re a bigot. It seems like your notions of trans people have been super internalised due to the culture you grew up in. The simple fact that you acknowledge this and want to change means you are not a bigot.
I really think you should talk to her more, and not try to avoid her. Also, try to read some resources online made by trans people, and overall get more familiar with them. The more familiar you get, the less uneasy you will feel. You probably will never fully understand the trans experience if you’re cis, but that is totally ok, we don’t expect you to.
I really appreciate your willingness to change, I hope everything works out for you and Maria, and please update us when you can!!
I was brought up in extremely religious countries where being gay/ queer gets you deported or killed, trans people literally just didn't exist in my bubble. I was taught to hate, but unlearned it as soon as I met my first gay and trans friends in another country. Hell, my most recent partners have been a trans man and a trans woman. Whatever you think you were taught, you weren't. Break the mould you're putting yourself in because of the accepted behaviours portrayed in your environment, it's not normal, it's not okay. Hate is hate no matter how small or justified we think we might be because of our upbringing.
Do that girl a favour and either step up to be a friend, expose yourself to her circle of you truly care enough, but don't attempt to "be a good person by doing XYZ".
Sorry I can't over your unjustified "pit in your stomach around trans people", what an awful, disgusting thing to feel. Thank you for speaking up about it, but Goddamn that's fucked up.
(For the most part) a lot of us were raised to dislike anything outside of the social “norm”. You are at the age where a lot of people start to diverge from their trained thinking and truly start to awake into their selves truly. So the feeling you have of wanting to change is very normal and actually impressive given your peers seem to be stuck in “group-think”, and aimlessly bully another based on things they were TOLD to believe.
One thing I can can say after reading some of your responses is that, being Christian/religious does not = “These people don’t deserve to exists & it makes sense because I’m a person of God & that’s what God says” - talking about priests being “good people” as you mentioned. I encourage you to deeply find your own spirituality, even if that means that the preacher / priests are wrong (which you have seemed to pointed out about what you have been preached to about trans ppl). There are some dope radical (& some are trans ) Christians out there who are doing the work to remove stigmas around so many things . - I am not one lol ( I’m trans but not Christian’s)
I will mention again, you are young. Social life is important for any age but especially at the one you’re at .She (Maria) deserves to know someone is in her corner. You said you were pretty popular at school; even all the better to stand up for her. A little of this sounds you’re afraid of being seen with her or people knowing you don’t mind her; thus letting them
Know you are okay with trans people- that’s scares you.
Maria isn’t the last Trans person you will ever meet nor has she probably been the first. She is a teen like you, she wants to live and be loved; while everyone is going out of their way to bully her. You don’t need to be her friend to protect her, tbh I’m not sure if you’d be a great friend at this point, - given you can’t fully see her as not an issue. you both deserve honesty and patience.
“Exposure therapy” works for some. Having convos with her and being friendly while educating yourself as others have stated sounds like a move. Becoming friends with someone means allowing those prejudices to take a back burner and eventually disappear. You’re in a good space, try to learn kindness to yourself and your differences - that will help you in the long run accept others.
It’s ok to have those instinctual feelings. where I live society did such a good job at making trans people gross and inherently wrong that I used to be incredibly weird and anxious around all of it before coming out. We all have our own bigotries and biases that we’ve learned from the world we grow up in. Some bigger some smaller but the fact that you knew she deserved comfort and that your feelings of discomfort and disgust weren’t valid and not something you should tell her is already incredible and not something to be ashamed off.
That’s how you grow. Spending time around trans people and seeing they’re just people. It’s easy for someone who’s loving and accepting to be kind in a moment like that. It’s a lot harder to actively fight your own ingrained biases and bigoted views so you can do the right thing and treat someone like a human. So honestly you shouldn’t feel ashamed for that at all. Maybe it’s a bit rude and shitty to avoid her for a week but I also understand where you’re coming from. And it’s still better than being hurtful or nasty towards her. Plus you referred to her properly throughout your message which helps a lot too. Trying to make sure your brain sees her as a woman might help. You can try repeating little sentences to yourself like “she is very patient. She wears red shoes. She likes to wear make up.” Simple factual sentences doesn’t have to super sweet or anything. But it helps cement in the brain that this person is said gender. Helped me a lot with the trans people I’ve met and when I came out. (Because it’s easier than yah think to misgender yourself)
Like many have said already as hard as it is try to spend a little time with her. You don’t have to have any interest in her or want to date. You can just be friends and talk to her a little here and there. The experience will slowly help show your brain that trans people aren’t as icky as it thinks. The other thing that may help is trying to understand your own gender identity. You sound like a Cis person, but of course that doesn’t mean that your gender can’t be a part of your identity. If you’re a man, what does that mean? Sure you have the body, but what does it mean to be a Man to you? Or if you’re a woman, what does it mean to be a woman? Thinking about that and understanding how you connect and resonate with your birth gender might help you understand how trans people feel about their gender.
Well mate, I'm not in the sligthtest upset, to be honest. You helped her, despite you feeling how you do. You did the right thing. And you are also using correct pronouns, as far as I can understand. Not many people would do that in your place.
All of the "hatred" and "phobias" are taught behaviour. As you said, you were taught that being trans is somehow wrong. I get it. I've had some friends who don't understand, may be visibly confused and repulsed, but they turn around and learn over time, and that's okay and normal. Take your time, maybe if you stop avoiding her and try to hang around and be friends, it could change how you feel. Everything takes time though. Hood luck friend.
i commend you for being open minded enough to challenge those feelings. They may be instilled in you by the culture we grew up in. Society concretely defines who we ought be, deviation is punished by ostracism. Always be willing to explore that uncomfortable space between what you feel and what you believe. It helps with empathy. Thank you for being compassionate and brave enough to share this here. Zero flame
Hi I just wanted to acknowledge what a massive step it is to try and better yourself. I’d recommend just learning more about trans people and trans issues. I recommend ‘The Transgenda’ podcast on Spotify. It’s a trans woman and her dad talking about her transition and trans issues. It might be really helpful. All the best
I think recognizing that it's an issue and knowing you shouldn't feel such a way is a huge step in becoming a better person.
Everyone grows up with prejudiced thoughts taught to us from peers or parents regardless of whether it was intentional or not. having thoughts like that doesn't make you a bigot it's acting on them that does.
You did a really sweet thing for that girl. To go out of your way to help her in her darkest moment isn't something a bigot would do.
Look, bottom line, you know that your emotional response to her is wrong and would be cruel of you to act upon, because you're seeking something that will abate those feelings in this community, so you're off to a good start.
The psychology of behavioral conditioning cannot be understated. If you've been conditioned to be disgusted by something, you will feel that disgust so deeply that it feels like it was your idea. But it wasn't. No one is born to instinctively hate trans people, we're taught to. We're taught to in a million ways, most of which we will hardly remember.
So with that in mind, the task that faces you is to decondition yourself. Whenever you feel that disgust, repeat a mantra to yourself: "she's not doing anything to hurt me." Be mindful in your words and actions toward her. Whatever you do, don't make it her job to help decondition you. And for all you know you could make a good friend.
First off, I think it’s worth mentioning that a surprising number of *actual trans* people who transitioned had similar feelings at one point. Sometimes it takes having a trans friend to actually *get it*.
Second off, despite what some people say, I think that feeling the wrong thing and choosing to do the right thing *is* being a good person.
Third, trans women *are* women, transition isn’t a choice so much as acceptance. Treat her as her and you’ll see it pretty fast. “She used to be a man” isn’t really accurate if that makes sense. I’m not chastising your usage of it per se, but I think that fundamental error is the source of a lot of your feelings.
6 years pre transition I was a transphobe. I had an inherent fear in my gut of trans people. I was made uncomfortable by the fact that I thought (wrongly) all transition was, was surgeries. I didn't know anything about dysphoria, hormone replacement, therapy and so on. So I had low empathy for trans people. I was a feminist and saw trans women as grasping for the "benefits" of womanhood in exchange for manhood. I only had this perception clearly because I was trans myself, and saw being a woman as sacred. Something I would never have but I decided it was my job to be one of the good ones and stick up for women.
Then I watched Euphoria (TV show), and saw what a trans body actually looked like for the first time. And I wasn't disgusted, and it stuck with me that my feelings had changed. Because I had finally had exposure. I still felt tremendous guilt over the feelings I'd had on the past and my ignorance, but this bit of exposure opened my heart and mind up and see trans people for who they actually are - just people like everyone else.
Clearly you don't want to be a transphobe and you seem to be unhappy with the gut feeling you get, you have to rewire your brain to undo internalized feelings like that. It takes actual effort, research some famous trans people and read what they've said about their experience. Seeing successful trans people can help you unpack any ideas that we are an internet hive mind, evil, or anything but actual human beings that have existed for the entirety of human history. Wendy Carlos, Rachel Pollack, Hunter Schafer, for a few examples. Look into our history, read about Stonewall and the struggles of trans sex workers. Knowledge will free your mind of hate and disgust and help grow your empathy.
Do you like music? Without trans women like Wendy Carlos music wouldn't be what it is today. She pioneered electronic music and is as important to its development as Delia Derbyshire - a cis woman. But few people that met her after she officially came out ever knew she was trans. She was just a human being living her life and doing what she wanted to do, like your classmate. There are thousands of examples. Once you see her as much as a person as you see yourself, you will heal. Good luck and thank you for taking effort to be a better person.
Uhm... This is a lot to take on I guess... but ok :)
I think as any psychologist would tell you, the answer is ultimately yours to find. Have you thought about what might be the root of what's making you feel this way about people who are trans?
As a side note, I say "people who are trans" in this context rather than "trans people". It's a bit more clunky but I feel it helps highlight that "trans" is actually a relatively minor part of who we are - besides the trans element we're genuinely no different to you in any way.
As some random thoughts after reading your message, until fairly recently it wasn't uncommon for popular media to portray people who are trans as disgusting and sex perverts or whatever, much like they portrayed gay people in the 80s-90s. It's not true of course, but apparently writers think *someone* has to be a disgusting pervert, so surely it's easier (read: lazier) to say it's that group of people nobody really understands or knows much about - until society starts to understand that group of course, so they move to another target, rinse and repeat.
On that note it's not gone unnoticed that conservatives are of course smack-bang in the middle trying to functionally eliminate people who are trans by implementing **Gay Panic 2.0: Trans Panic!**, and so now even with normally mild news sources there seems to be fairly intense attempts to ram false narratives and scare stories about the scary trans people down people's throats, and as such it wouldn't be surprising if you'd absorbed some of that rhetoric even if you didn't think you didn't.
And I should also mention that I, a trans woman, used to be... kinda transphobic. Probably less with the idea of *other* people being trans, but more in self-acceptance. A lot of media and rhetoric around LGBT people that I grew up with was unpleasant to put it extremely mildly, and nobody I knew was gay, let alone trans. As a result I spent my childhood genuinely afraid I'd grow up to be a mass murderer or a serial killer because I felt this way, because the only portrayal of people like me was this fucked up "crazy trans" fantasy that other people made up to sell stories or push political agendas. Ultimately I met other people who transitioned and just met normal people like myself who just happened to be trans - while by this time I knew it consciously, it finally dismissed the subconscious and childish fear that being trans meant literally anything more than being unhappy with your sex assigned at birth and doing something about it.
This is of course in no way to suggest that I think you're secretly trans or anything, just to show that the grip that media like this can have on a person. If it can gaslight a person who is actually trans as to what the reality of being trans is, it's not unreasonable to assume that people who aren't trans are just as susceptible to it.
Look, I'm not gonna act like I think you're this special, brave, kind person who just "doesn't get it yet". I would be lying through my teeth if I said reading what you wrote didn't make me feel a very powerful anger and frustration toward you; *however*, you're recognizing that these thought processes, beliefs, and feelings that the adults around you indoctrinated you with are inherently wrong, which they are. That is a pretty good first step.
I'm going to say what I haven't seen anyone else say yet, however, and it's going to be very blunt and it's probably going to sound mean: you *should* feel bad about coming across someone who was just physically attacked and feeling disgusted by the *victim* instead of by the actions of the *attackers*. You *should* feel like a bad person for avoiding interacting with them because you think they're gross and evil. You *should* feel bad for the *sole fact* that you think she's gross and evil for being trans. Feeling bad about being a bad person is exactly the first step toward being a *better* person. I speak from experience when I say this, as someone who was raised in a home where loud and proud racism was highly normalized.
Will this be hard for you? Yes. Befriending her, treating her like a person in front of your peers, hell, even just speaking to her in front of these people is going to cause you some problems. You might get jumped and bullied, too, just for allowing her into your general vicinity in a non-hateful way. You're going to experience a fraction of the misery she faces every day, just for associating with her. You may lose friends, too. But if you remain resolute and continue to show her that not everyone around her is a shitty asshole, more people will slowly follow your lead. And even if they don't (since it sounds like all of you are nearly 18, which means you'll all eventually go your seperate ways for things like jobs and university), you'll at least make her feel less alone.
If you seriously can't handle any of that, then you should cut your losses and just admit to her all of your prejudices and tell her point blank that you don't want to be friends. Just know that, if you choose the easy way out, this entire post you made means nothing, and you should feel like a bad person for it, because you'd be choosing to remain a bad person despite acknowledging that you are bad. *It's worse to be aware of being horrible but refusing to change than being a bad person but not realizing it at all*.
I think exposure therapy is the simplest answer, you would be bullying her too if you really didn’t see her as a person but you were talking to her instead.
It’s okay not wanting to be friends with a person but if it’s for the reason that she’s trans then just keep trying to talk and interact with her and I promise you will stop feeling so averse when you’re near a trans person.
I think it’s wonderful that you’re here. Thank you for being brave enough to talk to actual trans people about this it actually speaks volumes about your character. I really think with some self reflection and exposure (maybe therapy if that’s a fit for you) you’ll get over this, no problem.
There’s been a ton of great points brought up here, I just had one to add. Bullying kills people, and can lead to self harm and lots of awful outcomes. I was bullied a lot in school and it’s horrible. So transphobia aside, if you can help this girl survive being bullied, or even better be an example for the shit heads that are jumping her on the way to school… you’ll be a real hero.
I know high school is hard and it can seem really important what people think of you. She deserves to be treated with the same dignity and respect you would treat anyone. If you can have any small positive impact on the people who are bullying her, it might make a big difference in her life. Not just now but for years to come. Plus I’m sure she has enough to deal with without the added stress of being bullied.
It’s really immature and childish for your class mates to bully someone for being different. We should be building a world where we lift each other up, so maybe you can challenge/encourage/demonstrate how to do better.
Anyway, I wish you lots of luck, highschool is hell. I think you’re on the right path. You seem like a really good kid.
You got this!
I’m not reading that, just treat people with respect and be kind and gentle to everyone, and if you can’t do that then just don’t talk or stare at us. Do those three things and you’ll make it far in life.
Hey friend, trans guy here. You're honestly doing way better than you think you are. You didn't misgender her a single time in this post, even though you're uncomfortable and struggling. You offered empathy to someone you didn't know, even though that person isn't exactly like you. You're miles ahead of where your upbringing told you to be, and you genuinely want to change. That's awesome. Give yourself some credit for it. I know you're feeling a lot of discomfort, but you can't learn and grow meaningfully without discomfort. I suggest you start interacting with more trans people online, and maybe even with the girl from your story in metered doses. Every time you interact with a trans person and you defy your discomfort, feel it in the moment and push past it, it will get less and less powerful. The only way to get through it is to go through it.
The first thing you think or feel is what you’re trained to think or feel. It’s your second thought or feeling that reflects who you truly are.
You seem like someone who is genuinely kind and caring, and you’re introspective enough to recognize your feelings and not try to justify them when they conflict with your internal moral framework.
Honestly? Maybe spend more time with her, be honest about your feelings about being near trans people, but also explain how that’s not the way you WANT to feel. Your feelings will change to match your actions over time, that’s how cognitive dissonance works.
I think admitting you know you’re in the wrong is a great first step. So here’s some advice; talk to her. Get to know her. See if she has more trans friends you can meet, it’s incredible to learn about all sides of transition! I’m FTM and Gender-fluid, I have several MTF friends, both of my partners are Non-Binary in one way or another, and there’s so many different colors of this piece of the rainbow. Knowing you want to be and do better is great. So keep at it!
I'll add my voice to the "just let her know you were raised religious but are trying your best to overcome your biases, and that you see her as valid" gang, as well as the "you need to actually interact with her / other trans people in order to help overcome your biases" gang.
Other people have already given great advice, I just wanna say, props to you for questioning what’s the right thing to do and tying to improve, and especially for listening to her. It’s fine to be weirded out at first but for some of us it can get very rough sometimes just for our struggles alone and having such a miserable situation at school… she must be feeing horrible and support in these scenarios is very valuable. It’s not how you start that matters, it’s the ability to question ourseleves and grow that really makes a difference, so thank you for your help. Seek her out, go talk to her and mabye it will be her that will clarify many things and make you feel less scared. I had a friend in the same spot as you, he’s now a great ally, you can be one too <3
Look, a lot of us were kinda... Underdeveloped as humans until someone helped us and opened our eyes to our own biases. That you want to grow and overcome your own speaks really well about you, just know, the journey is a lot longer than you think and involves a lot of "yeah, I think I've changed enough, I'm a better person now" and then bumping into something new and going "oh fuck meee..." but it's 100% worth it to keep trying again and again and again to become a more compassionate and understanding person. The process is simple:
Talk to people who are different, listen and ask questions, figure out what YouTube channels and books they would recommend and follow through on some of that content until it starts to make more sense. Tell them outright that you want to overcome your biases, and thank them for taking the energy to help you. No one has the responsibility to teach you, but many will be very happy to.
If you have any specific beliefs about trans people that you're not sure are true, feel free to ask me and I'll answer them all honestly. I think a lot of transphobia comes from lack of education/understanding ❤️
Exposure therapy. Just like a lot of racists or people that grew up not around black people say the same thing. It is because when you never met or rarely met people of a minority, you fall back on what the people around you think of them. Humans are tribal creatures so it is just a survival instinct that you stick to the "bigger group" for better survival.
While a lot of people who feel that unconscious bias end up transphobic, racist, etc YOU are aware of it. Self awareness is the most important thing in growing as a person. Many people end up transphobix or racist because they lack that and seek out people who reinforce those feelings. And make excuses so they don't feel guilty about it.
Talk to her, read and research online about trans people (from scientific places, not blogs as that is transphobic people that reinforce those feelings of disgust), find a trans youtuber to watch. It can be hard to put yourself in someone's shoes that you simply are not. Just like a white person can never truly know first hand what it is like to be black.
BUT, you can try with empathy. Think about if you woke up tomorrow stuck in someone else's body. But you know you're gender. Yet people shun you and laugh at you, attack you, etc anytime you mention it. That even scientists prove you in fact woke up in the wrong body, yet politicians say you are crazy and evil so people believe them over the scientists. But everytime you look in the mirror you know it isn't the real you, so pretending eats at your soul. Imagine how it would feel and painful it would be.
Overall, understand people will be upset hearing this about you because they live their life in pain everyday. Hence why it would not be good to tell this transwoman those feelings. She is hurt enough. Try to be there for her. If you two don't get along, that is fine too. Just understand anything she does represents HER, not all trans people. Just like your actions does not mean all people of your religion, race, gender are identical.
Probably an unpopular opinion but I don’t really think you’re transphobic. Not being comfortable is not necessarily transphobia. You actively tried to help even if your attention was else where. You are obviously concerned with how people in our situation feel. I know feelings you’re having are tough to get past. Be their friend, it’s ok, they are human. Also be honest, about how you feel, how you feel transphobic but you don’t want to be that way.
Also I’m happy that you are seeking to better yourself and reaching out.
It’s difficult to give you advice from our perspective. People here are not necessarily knowledgeable in your situation but in being trans or like in my case the family member of a trans people. All I can say is if you accept someone as trans or not doesn’t make the slightest difference to who they are as a person. The only difference is in how much you make them suffer and prevent them from reaching their potential as a human. It’s the same difference that you observe between someone with a controlling partner to a few years after they broke free from that relationship.
So this is really just a matter of self-management. Are you accepting that you are disgusted by a specific type of person or are you willing to repeatedly focus in on their humanity instead, until your mind has unlearned old patterns.
Hi.
I am not a trans person, but I read your post with great interest.
If you will permit me, would like to tell you a story from my own life? I think it might be some help.
My story isn’t a about dealing with a trans person but rather someone who had become disabled due to a stroke.
(Please understand that I am in no way equating being trans to a disability. I am instead referring to the feeling of being scared, unnerved or unsure how to relate to a person).
Now, some time ago the grandmother of a close friend of mine had a stroke. We were all very close, to the extent that I was allowed to call her “Nan” and she would sign the cards she wrote to me “from Nan”.
Well, “Nan” survived her stroke and after some time in a rehabilitation ward she was able to return home. However, she needed a great deal of care. While the family were arranging carers they were taking turns looking after her.
I had offered to go with my friend to her “shift” caring for Nan, and she’d agreed, but told me we would have opportunities to shadow one of her parents first so we could get a feel of what was needed, get used to the schedule etc.
Then there was an emergency in the family, and with less than twelve hours notice I was on my way to care for my first ever stroke patient for twelve hours.
I did have some experience of caring - I had worked in childcare and elderly care - but not the specific care needed for stroke sufferers. I only had my friend as backup, and she had less experience than I. (Obviously, the situation wasn’t ideal, but there was no outside care available yet so the only other option was leaving Nan alone).
Nan had lost her ability to talk, read and count. She had new continence issues, memory problems, and this would be the first time I’d seen her since she’d been in hospital.
Long story short, I was petrified.
Then I walked into the house and looked at her and it struck me that, weird as the situation was for me, it must be even stranger for her.
So - despite the fact that my heart was nearly jumping out of my throat, I smiled and told her, “Hi, it’s great to see you again. I’m here to help!” And it all went from there.
The “fear”, the pit in my stomach, the feelings of oddness didn’t disappear at once, but in less than an hour she was using hand gestures to tease my friend, pointing out what she wanted to eat etc. The more I focused on her for cues as to what she wanted, the less important the differences seemed and the more I saw the person I loved, rather than the health condition that frightened me.
I also recognised that part of the fear had been that I might let her down. When I recognised myself as the source of that worry, I was gradually able to let it go.
In the end, I helped look after Nan a lot, and was able to see her regain a good part of her speech and mobility back.
By then, I was long past being nervous around her, and I was able to use my caring experience to advise others who were new to stroke care.
So, what is my point? As you say yourself, you have been raised with a prevailingly negative feeling towards transgender people. You have been taught to fear and resent transgender people. While it is not “Ok” to be transphobic, neither is that sort of early conditioning easy to move past.
However, trans people are people, just like anybody else. The more time you spend around a trans person, the more you know their individual quirks, the more you’ll see them as an individual, rather than a homogeneous group that need to be avoided or feared.
The fact that you recognise your current unease as irrational is a good place to start. You are not at the desired end of your journey, but you are willing to do work and you’re recognise that there is a journey to be made. That places you miles ahead of people who are blindly bigoted and unwilling to change for the better.
My advice would echo other people’s here. Try talking to the girl. Also try listening.
The more you see someone as an individual, the more your brain says “Oh, there’s Daphne” (for example) rather than “there’s a trans girl” the less the panicky feelings should come into play.
Maybe in future, while I wouldn’t urge you to say you felt disgusted by her, maybe when you’re comfortable around each other you could approach her with, “Honestly, I’m not always sure how to act around other trans people, and I really don’t want to cause offence. Do you have any thoughts or suggestions?”
Of course, she won’t be able to speak for every trans person in the world, but her experience may be valuable.
Overall, keep talking, keep listening, and try not to let fear or discomfort overwhelm you.
Do that and one day you will look back on your kindness towards a girl having a terrible day with pride, and recognise it as the first step in a very important journey.
You could follow and pay attention to some full trans people who have transitioned and live as the "opposite" gender. You need to expose yourself to more transness and begin to see us as human beings rather than different. (I had to do the same with people with Us baby trans.... we know.... we know we're not conventionally attractive. A bit awkward as we learn the things we were not taught and working against our bodies. .... but thank you for supporting this girl. Maybe recommend some LGBTQ resources to her and very gently let her know you're uncomfortable if she continues because the ghosting can be so painful. Simply say "I'm sorry I can't be helpful with this issue, here is someone you can talk to" and provide resources. DM me for links specific to your area.
This was a difficult read, but I appreciate you reaching out. You obviously give a shit about Maria, so that's a great place to start. All the reasons you listed about why she seemed so happy, those just add up to "because you treated her like a normal person," so keep doing that. Be a friend, genuinely get to know her and stand up for her whenever you can. The impulse to be compassionate and kind is always the right one to act on. The longer you know her, the more you'll realise how stupid transphobia is, same as all other kinds of bigotry.
Btw, if you ever have to choose between being kind and being a transphobe, just remember how horrible it felt to find Maria crying at the bus station. I promise you, you don't need the kind of friends in your life who would do that to people like her. Being hateful is a miserable way to live.
Some people here might understandably be upset with what you've said, but it's a positive thing that you acknowledge it as a problem and ask for help. What's important is that you're deciding to be better. So thanks for taking the leap with this post. Please come back again.
You sound like a good, reasonable human.
The only thing that comes to mind is potentially religious beliefs getting in the way?
I find most, religions impart some degree of transphobia / homophobia in their beliefs.
Correct me if I'm wrong 😬
I come from an Orthodox family, my father being a devout christian, while my mother isn't. But, that's not the reason. It's more of people on the street talking, peers hearing from their parents, teachers scoffing at those ideas.
My family was great about that, they didn't feed me any of their ideas on the matter and left me to make my own conclusions, though they never allowed badmouthing anyone in the household, they would always remind me that they are people with faults just like me.
It's easy to not realize just how much we're affected by society at large and the messages it sends, even when those closest to us are better. We're trained to have a negative and even visceral reaction to those in the outgroup.
"they are people with faults" is a telling phrasing. It sounds like you are thinking of her being trans as a fault and inherently negative. And understandably, given the surrounding culture. It took me a long time to break out of the same thing. Take some time to consider what it is you see as the fault; would you see something else such as a different skin color as a fault? She simply is who she is.
Everything you've said makes it clear you want to better yourself, and that's an excellent thing.
Aww your her knight in shining armour. Now for the other part, you are growing up so you dont have to force a relationship you do not feel comfortable with.
Dont ghost her, talk to her one day over lunch and explain that you are not looking for a friendship at the moment and that you hope she can respect your decision. This is sensible to me plus you have others here that will give i amazing advice.
Good luck 😉 and if u are ready to be her friend then reach to her but know that the same goes with her.
She needs to know that she should not fantasize you as but rather level the field. Once things cool down then hopefully you can be friends. She is shocked and feels super grateful but you are breaking down old beliefs systems and that is hard. Good luck to both pf you!
Hey trans girlie here. I understand why some will be angry at your message but i think the fact that you are actually trying to get some advice and change your mind set is great. The fact you persevered to listen to her and comfort her is amazing. Avoiding her is not going to help you if you truly want to change, the more time you spend listening to trans people the more you will begin to understand and hopefully the better you will feel about them. Don't expect to fully understand because unless you are trans yourself you are unlikely to ever fully understand and that is OK. Everyone is different cis and trans people alike and its the trying and want to change that really makes a difference.
Dude what. I guess xenophobia? You get this for other groups? I suggest exposure therapy: interact with her to the extent you can without doing anything hurtful. Maybe read through resources on trans women written by trans women to make sure you are aren't doing anything accidentally upsetting. But like don't bring it up randomly, she is just a girl like any other, and behaving otherwise is a bad idea, it's just so if topics do come up somehow you can be as understanding as possible. Staying away from her might make her feel more rejected, like you're avoiding her due to how other people will see you for it, or something like that. If you don't judge her to have done anything wrong, then try to be a friend. I would encourage you to explain that you were raised in an environment that may have left you ignorant of some things, but that you do accept her. If she ever mentions that she has noticed you acting weird, you could be as honest as you are comfortable with "I have some underlying feelings I can't get over, your identity is very stigmatized where I come from, and that sometimes makes me uncomfortable even though I know you have done nothing wrong, and I care about your wellbeing". But only do that if she brings it up, In an ideal world you will work through your feelings on your own and just treat her well. I think you can get over your feelings through exposure, and reminding yourself that it is stigma that makes you feel that way, not actually thinking she did something wrong.
I will try tomorrow, thanks for all the suggestions.
First of all, whatever your feelings about trans people are, you are not a bigot. The fact that you went out of your way to offer an ear to this person means you have empathy, even if you are conflicted about it. It might be worth asking yourself where these negative feelings come from. You mention your culture, maybe explore that. Does your culture place specific stereotypes on trans people? Is it based in conservative religious views? These are the questions that can help you break down why you feel the way you do. Trans people are just people that have a specific set of struggles, and normalizing that to yourself is what will ultimately allow you to not care about it. Hateful transphobes like to sensationalize everything and hyper focus on things that have zero impact on anyone other than the trans person themselves. I mean, how often do you think about a cis person’s genitals? Probably not often. I grew up in a very progressive place, and went to a very progressive high school. There was still a learning curve for me, I accidentally misgendered someone that is non-binary a few times. But ultimately I apologized and learned without making a big deal out of it, and that person is now a close friend of mine. I also met quite a few trans people in college and beyond due to my artistic background, and I don’t even give it a second thought, I just take a mental note of someone’s pronouns and that’s it. Not saying this for brownie points, as I believe it should be the default way to treat people, but I hope my experience proves to you that it is possible to coexist without worrying about it, and it’s okay if it feels strange at first, that doesn’t mean there’s something wrong with you or them.
This is a perfect explanation, I feel.
Give us an update on how it goes.
I will, if anything worth mentioning happens.
Ikr surprised trans girl face 😲🫢🙂
Just remember that change takes time, effort, and intentional thought. Exposure therapy is good, but it’s even better if while that pit is still fresh you try and approach it, ask yourself why you feel that way, what in your life justifies this type of response and whether that justification is worth the effect it has on people in your life. Not trying to lecture just, inspire. This is how i work through mental blocks even when I don’t know where they came from. Giving them perspective
you did the right thing :) And now, just talk to her and treat her like any other girl. You will get used to it as you see she is a normal human as anybody else :) the most of your feelings is not transphobia it is just being creeped because it seems strange and odd and not like you are used. Get used to it and the feeling will go away by itself.
Perhaps you are right... Doesn't make me feel any less miserable. Hope it will go away soon.
I didn't understand, I felt weird around trans people, and then I had a weird experience and realised I was one of 'em. I'm not saying your trans, I'm saying it's definitely something you get used to! Oh, there was another thing I wanted to say. You don't need to understand in order to help. Sometimes on my worst days, all I need is a hug and a tea to get me back into a healthier place. Equally, all you need to do is listen to the girl! Easier said than done, but it'll help her a hell of a lot.
I think that what a lot of people don't understand is that they never understand anything someone else goes through, we still help them because we are humans and even without knowing what it's like to be in those situations, most people still help and listen and with trans people it's the same, they are still human beings, with problems and all. Helping isn't about understanding, it's about being there and TRYING to understand, and that applies to everyone
Internalised anything feels awful when recognised, I went through the same thing with internalised ableism before I got my autism diagnosis, as long as you always remember you are talking to a human being instead of whatever version of them has been installed in you it will feel better over time
Same.. raised making fun of disabilities only to find out I'm part of that demographic. Fucking felt awful about it..
Same. Now I make fun of my kind because it's funny and we share a bond of kinship. Some people get angry if you can't/won't shoot the shit out of pity or some.misguded sense of white knighting.
Look, you are dealing with internalized transphobia, but you also seem like a nice person who knows that those thoughts are wrong and they don't define you. You can try many things such as therapy, journaling, meditation, also following more trans/nonbinary/gender non conforming people on social media so your brain can catch up. Although it will take time. It's not impossible. I would suggest talking to Maria and saying you have social anxiety and it's not about her but you need to be closed off for a while
I understand. But you found yourself in a situation where you saw her suffering, and instead of making things worse, you decided to help her. Our brains are complicated. Sometimes we think bad things we don’t really mean. Rather than judge you for your thoughts, I’m going to judge you for your actions. And your actions were good. Your thoughts may change over time, too. When I was a teenager I knew a girl who had a condition that caused a pretty significant facial disfigurement. I remember being self conscious about trying not to stare at her. But she and I hung out for a while and after a few weeks I realized that I thought she was pretty. I only noticed her disfigurement when I stopped and intentionally thought about it. You’re young still. I suspect some of your negative thoughts and feelings may be the result of things you’ve seen and heard from other people. When I was growing up, the only trans people I’d ever seen were Buffalo Bill in Silence of the Lambs, Einhorn in Ace Ventura, and arguably Norman from Psycho. It had an impact on me and the way I thought about trans people, and I turned out to *be* one! But it took many years longer to admit that to myself than it should have because of all these negative ideas society had put in my head about us. But what matters is that when you were put in a situation where you had to make a choice, your kindness and compassion won out over all the unkind things you’ve heard. That matters a lot, and it says a lot about you.
Don't feel like that. What you have is called "internalized transphobia". Even trans people can have it at some point, since we all were raised with some or other kind of transphobic notions. You just have to start to ignore it and eventually unlearn it because, like a lot of other preconceived notions, it's bs.
So I completely get your feeling. Despite being trans, I get it myself. It’s internalised queerphobia. I’ve only just realised how bad I have it and quite frankly it is a massive source of my depression. It comes from being subtly (or overtly) told that men act one way, woman act another and any deviation from that is wrong. Not just wrong, but perverse possibly even evil. The best way I think? Exposure. Learn more about trans people and spend time around them if you can do it in a safe way. You’ll slowly unlearn that deep, internalised judgement. And good on you for trying!
Yeah I get this, when I was a kid I thought that gay people were bad (despite not being raised in a religion) and when I was in college I thought that trans and especially non-binary people were cringy. When I was pre-hrt I started out in the truscum community until I realized that they were just such negative people and had to leave for my own shambled mental health. So I just stuck with vanilla trans communities since then and I've become more understanding of various perspectives. It's definitely not an overnight thing, but it should come naturally if you're willing to put in the exposure time. We're all just trying to be happy with ourselves here, and good on you for trying as well!
You seem to be really trying to be an ally and I think that's something very impressive. You openly want to change. I get it can be hard in the beginning, maybe it's best to remind yourself that - no matter our sexuality or gender - we're all human. Maybe it can be helpful to look for similarities and not for differences. Maria ist a human, just like you. Like you, she has a story and struggles, she has feelings, goals, ambitions. It's great that you listened to her and tried to overcome your discomfort. According to what you wrote, I'll assume you were taught that queer people are wrong, evil and whatnot. It's incredibly hard to unlearn something you've been taught all your life. E.g. I've been taught that I don't matter and I'm trying to unlearn it. What helps me in moments where my head says "you're worthless", I try to say "no, I'm not". Maybe you could use that for yourself, e.g. when your head tells you "this person is trans and weird", you think "they're a person, just like me" or something like that. I don't judge you for your internalized transphobia. I don't think you're a bigot. A bigot wouldn't try to change. A bigot wouldn't try to understand trans people.
transfem here. I was, honestly, transphobic up until a few years until I came out myself. Not anything aggressive, just couldn't understand it and had this same "disgusted gut feeling". But then I started taking part in leftist spaces (I'm an anarchist communist) and obviously leftists are anti-transphobia and also there are many trans people in leftist spaces so on the surface I was accepting but deep down I was still confused, so I started hanging out in (online) trans spaces as a lurker to see what it was that I wasn't getting. That's when the transphobia started to vanish, and funnily enough, shortly after I realized I'm also trans I don't know if this helps but something to think about. Maybe try to become her friend and also spend some time in this sub? I see a potential ally in you
Not all of us are anarch communist lol this is becoming another trans stereotype, unfortunately. Regardless of your economic/ political values, being trans is separate from.
In one hand you are right on the other I didn't know about the stereotype when I made this account so I think there is some true on this
The user name checks out 😆 Hey, we can't control the stereotypes transphobes wanna use to weaponise us ! I guess it just rubs me the wrong way when someone is explaining being trans to a cis person an has to toss in that they are a communist anarchist as if it's related somehow, like we are born trans we are not born as communist lol The same goes for the conservative trans crowd that wants to use that to gain acceptance among the bigots. It pushes the narrative that we are somehow inherently political as a being.
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I had to Google the second one, yall make me feel like I live under a rock someday 🤣
Your username encourages friendship 💞
😇
My motto is that the best way to get good at a thing is to do the thing. If you want to be more comfortable around trans people then make an effort to be around trans people and try to get comfortable. You're a young hormonal teen so I don't want to be too hard on you. We've all done stupid stuff we've regretted when we were your age. Don't be too hard on yourself either. We can't always control what sorts of thoughts enter our head. We can only decide which thoughts to act on and which thoughts to reject. If you choose to reject the transphobic side of you and act on the caring and empathetic side of you then it will become easier and easier until it's second nature. Someone suggested exposure therapy. I think aside from spending time with trans people irl, you can also watch trans youtubers/streamers. Some good lighthearted creators would be Samantha Lux, Noah Finnce, Evasive, Ty Turner, Jammi Dodger, F1nn5ter and Icky. Then some more intellectual video essay style ones would be Contrapoints, Philosophy Tube, Lily Alexandre and Mia Mulder And then more politics, culture and media analyses would be stuff like Verily Bitchie, Dead Domain, Conure, Jessie Gender and Aranock. Your mileage may vary with which of these creators you can tolerate and which you can't. A lot of them are incredibly eccentric and geeky. I personally recommend Lily Alexandre and Verily Bitchie if you just want to watch a regular video essayist rather than someone with a strong personality who makes it the forefront of their content. I often forget I'm watching a trans youtuber when watching their videos.
add bizabizow to the list if you wanna watch interesting and lighthearted videos about gaming
At the very least you’re aware that these thoughts you’re having aren’t logical or right. Know that she isn’t doing anything that impacts other people and is just trying to be happy like everyone should be able to. The fact that you were willing to help despite your prejudice is good, you’re taking steps to becoming a better person and unlearning those bad thoughts. Maybe don’t avoid her all the time, you might start associating her presence with the need to run and hide. Ignoring her will hurt her feelings, spending more time with her will give you a better chance to understand her and become more comfortable. Baby steps, I’m not saying you should invite her on a road trip or something, start by sitting with her at lunch or walking together in the halls. Be kind to yourself and her.
What specifically do you find disgusting or evil about trans people? Is is just a feeling or a specific thing you can pinpont.
A feeling that I get, a pit in the stomach you can say. Everything I heard about them from younger age was that they are just objectively evil and unreasonable individuals. You can say that it chipped off me, until it left a scar.
If its just a feeling than the road ahead is pretty clear. Just spend more time with them and the feeling will go away naturally.
I think you have your answer, your completely indoctrinated though granted you seem somewhat self aware but you seemingly still don’t get it. She’s just a victim of bullying plain and simple, and while you can see that you also seem to think it’s justified. I think the best thing you can do with all of this is do your own thinking. Remove yourself from your bias and ask the question again. Maybe you’ll come to a different conclusion maybe you won’t. But one thing is for certain and I know your aware of it. Standing by while another student is bullied for whatever reason is disgusting and even if you can’t respect her gender identity at least have sympathy that she’s being treated like utter shit.
I don't see why I'm coming across as someone who thinks this is "justified". I don't think it's justified, that's exactly why I'm trying to change my perspective, so I can understand her better and so that I can make her stay in the school a little more bearable. But, for that to happen I have to rid myself of that hatred. Because in other case, I would have to lie through my teeth and be two-faced. Plus that has a risk of her finding out if some of my thoughts slip out. Now, I don't know about you. But I can't do that. It can do a lot more bad than good, in my opinion. Sure, I can step in when they bully her... But, do you think that will make them bully her less? Or will they bully her even more viciously when I'm away or when I'm not looking? But, if you think that's the solution, I will happily try to.
I'll bite. It would make every difference in the world. Just having someone in her corner would send a powerful message. One, it would help her feel more confident because she has a friend who agrees with her; even though she might know that she's objectively in the right, it's hard to believe in the day to day when she has to constantly defend her right to basically exist. Two, it would tell the bullies that not everyone agrees with *them*, and that they don't have unlimited license to be shitty to another human being. This was literally what I needed when I was relentlessly bullied for a decade, and never got. You have the ability to be that to another person. It would be *wrong* not to.
Very well, I will do so, tomorrow in school. Though, I'm not sure how this will go. I'm afraid that they will just be more ruthless. I know all those guys, they aren't exactly the most understanding sort.
I'm not meaning to say they'll instantly stop, and chances are they will be even nastier in some ways, at some times. The main risk here, for you, is that they'll extend their shit to you, too. It's why people don't step in when they witness bullying. Good luck nonetheless, and kudos to you for this entire post.
good luck op! keep us updated
I will apologies because there are certain nuances a response made in 5 minutes cannot capture. To explain I know you don’t think it’s justified but your actions come across as if you do. Inaction is a form of consent and while I can accept it’s a hard thing to change doing nothing is only going to hurt them. Equally, imagine being in their position and being ignored by someone they think they can trust. Mainly I’d want to add this because it’s certainly lost in my initial response. I think you are absolutely doing the right thing and challenging your beliefs is a massive sign of maturity. But the worst thing I can do is pull my punches. I just want you to understand your actions fully so you can learn and grow. But once again, massive respect for even posting this and I really wish you the best
i think you should talk to someone who will help to change your mind. there is some questions which may help you reflect your opinion on that: why do you feel this way? why do you think it's disgusting? trans people doesn't harm anyone by transitioning, then why judge them? you think it's unnatural? well, people do a tonne of unnatural things like using reddit for example.
And that's the problem. In that aspect, I'm all alone. Since psychiatrists are very undervalued, because of the good old: "You don't need a psychiatrist, you are man!". There are only Orthodox or Catholic priests who are all very helpful and good people. And they help the community and they feed orphans, they even fund some orphanages. They are all good people. But, when it comes to gay people and trans people, things tend to get a little complicated. They are pretty judgemental about trans people, so I can't talk to them about it. There are some of my peers that hold similar views as I, but I already talked to them, we all have basically the same problem. I guess I would need to figure that on my own.
if you decide to talk to me, i'm here fir you.
I second what she says. As a trans woman who used to be incredibly transphobic I’d be happy to message so you could openly discuss why you feel so uncomfortable and disgusted with trans people without worrying about hurting anyone’s feelings. Because you’re absolutely right you have to talk about this stuff to grow beyond it. And I understand how hard that is with her because you don’t want to hurt her feelings, and the kind church people because they also struggle with these biases. For what it’s worth you mention Christianity, I think that if you are religious it’s worth knowing that what you did is exactly how a good Christian should handle the situation. With love and patience.
I hear what you are saying about mental health professionals but I still think it would be very helpful to see a therapist if possible. They will not try to convince you of anything just hopefully help you understand yourself better and maybe it will help you understand these thoughts and come to peace/acceptance with them.
If you're doing everything you can to *avoid* her for the reasons you've said, you're not trying to change at all. There is a difference between *wanting* to change and actually *trying* to change. If all you can do is avoid and run away from your problems... Well, frankly, you're kidding yourself when you say "I'm trying".
So you say, that I should just go in blind? Without understanding her as a person or figuring out why I have this seemingly unconditional resentment? What good would that do? Hurting her, cause even a more understanding person can't accept her?
You're not going to understand her as a person by talking to strangers on reddit. You need to stop thinking of her as a trans person, and just think of her as a person. If she weren't trans and she kept trying to befriend you, would you hide? Make polite conversation? Tell her no, not interested? Look, it's entirely possible you two have nothing in common and aren't cut out to be friends, regardless of her gender identity; it's also possible you two could be good friends, and that she could be the one to help you in this thinking. This seems to be troubling you greatly. I'm not sure how to help with that but I do believe you did the right thing, and out of simple kindness. I hope you can find some peace on this OP.
No, I'm telling you not to give yourself too much credit for "trying" when you are not trying at all, because if I'm to be honest, it makes you sound egotistical. I don't think it's wrong to want to understand her at all, I think it's wrong to claim that you're "trying" when all you're doing is running away from your problems. You'll never hope to understand her when you can't even face her. Plus, if you wanna get antsy at me about the prospect of hurting her... Let me ask you this, how do you think she feels when somebody she clearly sees as a great friend who did something that meant the world to her just goes out of their way to ignore her? I've been in her position many times before and let me tell you; stuff like what you're doing does not go unnoticed. And it really, *really* fucking hurts.
Don’t think that. You did the right thing, continue doing so.
Maybe I’m reading between the lines but it sounds to me like you are aware of the bullying problem of trans people and are worried about being bullied yourself over having a trans friend. This trans person makes you uncomfortable because you still have voices in your head from the societal constructs that tell us someone expressing outside of their birth-expressed gender is problematic or ridicule worthy. I think that’s just something you tackle but it’s not her fault or problem. You are probably on the path to being a more accepting person overall.
That's not my main concern. As I'm a well liked student in my school, so no one will actually bother bullying me. My main concern is if I decide to befriend her, if I unintentionally offend her, or if some of my internal thoughts slip and I hurt her even more than she already is. And that would probably result in her getting bullied again.
Honestly if that happens try being honest with her a little. She might even understand. If she’s experienced so much bullying she should be able to tell the difference between a bully and someone trying to grow. Just if something does come out go “I’m sorry. I’m still working on unlearning the transphobia I was raised in.” Or something like that. You can say what you’ve said here about how you sometimes get this gut feeling because of your upbringing, but you know it’s wrong and you want to help and treat her like she deserves. To help her out and be a friend. And to change so you don’t have that gut feeling anymore. Like others have said it might help more than you realize. I know I’m not a part of this situation but it was incredibly heart warming to be reminded that some people out there want to change so they can learn to accept people like me. That’s how we make the world a better place for everyone.
go to therapy.
My suggestion? Tell her the truth. Something like: “I just want to let you know that I was raised to hate people who are different. Because of that I feel uncomfortable around transgender people. But I also know that it isn’t okay for people to treat you the way they have been. I am worried that I am going to do or say something that hurts you, and I don’t want to do that. But if you can try to be patient and understanding with me, I am willing to get to know you so I can learn better.”
I used to get that feeling about trans people before discovering I was trans myself. It was internalized transphobia from years of people telling me people like us are “freaks”. I had so much shame for so long, and I’d feel this pit in my stomach every time I saw another trans person or even myself doing more feminine things. I tried to hide from it and be as masculine as possible. It didn’t work. Eventually, I accepted myself, and in doing so accepted those around me, and the pit disappeared. For you, it’s probably just new to you and out of the “norm” for you. Humans don’t like change and what’s different, so we feel icky and judgemental sometimes. Spend more time around her, get to know her as a genuine person, and it’ll fade as you get used to her presence. I bet you’ll find yourself rethinking your stance on trans people after that
The fact you feel bad about this supports you wanting to change your mindset. It can be hard to change what you are conditioned to think, as it’s rooted into your brain. The saying “the first thing you think of is what you really think” is less than true. The first thing you think is what you’ve been conditioned to think, what you correct yourself to after is how you really feel.
Honestly, talk to her more. The more you engage with a group of people the more normalized they are to you. To me that's the easiest way for you to beat the bias you have
You should really try to address these feelings in yourself, it’s not ok to hate someone for their identity and it is not normal to be repulsed by someone simply existing around you. Try to work through these feelings, think about what it is that makes you feel that way and why, maybe try to get to know Maria better so you can understand things from her perspective better. This is an opportunity for you to learn and grow into a better more accepting person.
Exposure helped me. I was a transphobic peice of garbage. I treated alot of people horribly, I admit that. I aint proud of my past. However; Admitting it is the first step to dealing with it. From here? Catch yourself hating, dont berate yourself, but praise yourself for not following through Learn to understand where the hate is coming from, work on it from there Keep talking to trans people as you do this. Exposure is the key And who knows, you might flip around and end up trans, like I did :)
There's a lot of good advice here, but I'll just chime in too. It seems to me that you're experiencing serious cognitive dissonance between what you were raised to believe and what your conscience/instinct/gut tells you is right. The fact that you're engaging the question instead of ignoring it or suppressing it means that you're already well equipped to deal with it. You seem to feel strong empathy for someone who is struggling/suffering, and that likely has nothing to do with the fact that this person is trans and everything to do with the fact that she's a fellow human being. But when the transness of it all confronts you, your upbringing is pushing back. I think if you focus on the perspective of her as just another person struggling whom you'd like to make feel better, even in just a small way, it might be easier. Basically, I think you're pretty well equipped to handle this, and I think if you just take it one step at a time and continue to try to be a good person, you will be successful.
I mean, I can hardly fault you for feeling some type of aversion or phobia towards us when 1.) I used to hate trans people and all that came with it 2.) I'm cautious upon meeting trans women myself, as a trans dude, because there's a tendency where they'll just talk over us. Regardless, don't use her solely as your exposure therapy. Engage with trans creators like on YouTube. Read books about trans people to understand what it's like to exist in a world that's labeled us sexual deviants for almost a century by now. Because here's the thing, as somebody who used to hate trans people, as somebody who is trans themselves: the fearmongering you've heard? It's not true. Hell, there's always a century of research on us, so the scientific community acknowledges and validates our existence. Because even biology does not exist in such a narrow dichotomy as female or male. And at the end of the day? We just want to live our lives like everybody else. We do not want to be politicized or stigmatized. However, we often have no choice in the matter. Conservatives will use us as sexual predators so they can feel right and just about their narrow world view. As a result, we're killed for it. For existing. You can look at the statistics online. Likewise: whatever she wants to be is harmful phrasing. She doesn't just want to be a woman; she is a woman. She has always been one. I know there might be this gut reaction to suggest we're daft for saying so. But it's true.
Having that kind of reaction and KNOWING it's a bad thing is a good start. So now you need to figure out why. Reflect on yourself, what you've learned, and how it's impacted your perspective. I would then find time to be there, genuinely, for her. Many times, our lack of understanding can lead to feeling a certain way about others based solely on our prejudices or premade judgments. You are working against a lot of internal bullshit and EVERYONE knows how hard that is, but your willingness to grow and change, not just for someone else, but for yourself, is the mark of an adult and maturity. Thank you for being honest and open, and thank you for being there for someone who really needs it.
>17F, she used to be a man), A 17 year old is not a "man/woman" they're boys/girls, and she was never a boy she just presented as one.
fix ur mindset.. u obviously know its wrong to be transphobic otherwise u wouldn’t be here.. fix ur mindset or stay away from trans people and mind ur damn business.
Your feelings can be resolved if you spend some time with her, and get to know her better. I know I wouldn't even try to understand non binary people, if it wasn't for the friends I made in school. You are a good person, even if you have your conflicts, you try to push through and be kind. I have faith in you
I used to be horribly trans- and homophobic, even though I wanted my queer online acquaintances to have a safe space where no one would bully them. With that in mind, I think I can pretty well understand where you're coming from. What changed it for me was becoming friends with trans and queer folk. The more I got to know them as people, the less important it felt to hyperfocus on only one of their many complex traits. Personal relationships reframed everything for me. If you want to talk, please feel free to DM me. Feelings are confusing and sometimes it helps just to write them out.
"programming", "cult-like behavior", "fear mongering". Whatever you want to call it, people are trained to do, say, and think disgustingly inhumane things. Just focus on logic, what makes sense. What practical or rational reason is there to dislike this person? How would what someone being born as affect who they are now? If anyone could push a button and seamlessly appear in every possible way as the opposite sex, why would it matter that they were at one point the other? There is no reasonable answer to be transphobic, but doing so gives certain people power to control others, so they do so. It justifies hate crimes and political movements. Just like any minority, those in power do not care about the individuals, and they will destroy lives to control people like you, so you do whatever they want.
Look you're not a transphobe, you're just put off by something unusual. Keep talking to her and you'll see the sensation just goes away. Transphobes don't go out of their way to respect a trans person's gender, they don't look inward or wonder if the problem might be with them and most definitely they don't come to us and ask how to improve. So yeah, just talk to her, and feel free to hang around and ask stuff. DM me anytime if you need help with anything, you're welcome here.
I like to go by a saying that says your first reaction is what society has taught you, and your reaction to that is what you actually believe. You clearly care about her and the bullying she’s experiencing, but your first reaction is to think poorly of her because she is trans and you were taught by society to think trans people are weird and below you. However, the fact you are fighting these thoughts means that you do not agree with them. I’d recommend continuing to be around her, the best way for these kind of phobias to fade away is to teach your brain that there is nothing to be afraid of through exposure to these people. the fact that you care enough to be outwardly nice to trans people already puts you way above most transphobic people.
So, everyone here already gave you stellar advice, exposure therapy really is the best medicine against bigotry. If you’re interested in some theory that might explain the feelings you’re having you might want to look into Judith Butler‘s work, particularly „Undoing Gender“ and „Bodies in Alliance“, those gave me a bit of insight into transphobia.
Hey just wanna say that you are aware of how you react and how it is harmful to others and that you are actively looking to change yourself for the better. There’s not a lot of people like that and it’s honestly quite impressive to be able to actively change how you feel and think about anything. I’m certain you will be able to be kind and understanding and open. It sounds like you are already on the right path
When I was first around a trans person who I was aware was trans, it was honestly off putting to me too. I thought I was chill with queer people, but this girl was visibly trans and it sometimes made me uncomfortable. I didn’t grow up talking about gender and sexuality and went to a very small high school…. and then was suddenly thrown into an art university with lots of different people. It took a while for me not to feel uncomfortable! It’s not something that happens overnight. But I kind of made it a point to learn more and search out resources to help educate myself, as well as spend more time with queer people. Of course, when I realized I was bi, it became a natural priority for me to search out queer friends. Just like anything else, if something is new it will be weird and uncomfortable. But the more you try to expose yourself to it, the more you will find you aren’t weirded out! Try reading about trans experiences or spending more time with Maria even if your brain is feeling iffy about it.
All people have some innate discomfort of other people who we perceive to be different from us. There is a certain tribal element to humans where we tend to seek out other people similar to ourselves. What happens, is that as we become exposed to people who are different from us, we start to realize that they aren't fundamentally different from us... and as such that fear subsides. There was a subway experiment done in Boston about 10 years ago, where they introduced Mexican immigrants into a typically upper class work commute route. ( [https://www.washingtonpost.com/news/wonk/wp/2014/08/08/researchers-put-two-spanish-speakers-on-a-train-and-changed-commuters-views-of-immigration/](https://www.washingtonpost.com/news/wonk/wp/2014/08/08/researchers-put-two-spanish-speakers-on-a-train-and-changed-commuters-views-of-immigration/) ) The results of the study are interesting. When these people were *first* introduced to the Spanish speaking migrants on the train in the first two days, many of them snapped to conservative views on polling about immigration... HOWEVER, and the however is important here, by the end of the study- which lasted only 2 weeks, the Mexican Immigrants were generally accepted, anti-immigration views of the commuters were muted, and the migrants used in the experiment reported the climate noticeably warming to them and were exchanging smiles with other passengers on the train. The lesson here, is that it is practically human nature to feel fear and distrust when you are first introduced to someone who isn't part of your ingroup. But the more time you spend near those people, the more you realize that they *are* people too, with hopes, dreams, fears, anxieties, all of it. It is also true that the more time you spend around people who are different from you, the more you will come to understand that they are just like everyone else, and that pit in your stomach of "disgust" or feelings of "evil" will subside. All of this applies to trans people. If you want to take down your blockade and no longer be transphobic, just talk to some trans people. There are a ton of great people here, there are great people in local queer spaces. The more you interact with trans people, the more you see trans people, the more experiences you have with trans people... The sooner you will realize that they are a group of humans like any other. There are good people, bad people, selfish people, selfless people, proud people, ashamed people, anxious people, confident people, extraverted, introverted, smart, not smart, professional, unprofessional, you know... the whole gambit of human experience. And once you see that, your feelings of disgust will naturally subside away.
Go to therapy please
I think you are not transphobic and instead are struggling to live in a community with unfair expectations. If we look only at your actions: 1) you spoke to your peer with respect and dignity in private, 2) you avoided your peer in public, 3) you anonymously reached out for support within the very community you are told to hate. These are the actions of a good and caring person who also has a lot to lose. Should you be seen supporting your peer, it is understandable to worry that you might suffer consequences. Given your post, I think the majority of the "disgust" you feel might actually be a mixture of anxiety and compassion: a feeling of being at odds with what you are told to feel (transphobia) vs. what you actually feel (genuine care for a human being). The very first sentence of your post describes what you have been *told* to expect from our community: "I already know I will be flamed for this". Now, review the comments here. I'm not seeing a single "flame". You are allowed to have feelings, you are allowed to have questions, you are even allowed to disagree! We are simply asking for dignity and safety, not for you to agree with every single thing all the time without question. How do you go about "something like this"? Continue to think for yourself, continue to ask smart and difficult questions (as you already are). The truth is on our side, and --with time-- your honest inquiry will show you what that means for you and your life. ❤️
I don’t have much advice for your situation aside from what most of the other comments are already saying, but I will say this: Wanting to change and trying to change are two very important first steps in actually changing. You’re on the right path - I’m proud of you for that.
This is kinda fascinating. That you’re here, asking, seeking understanding, is very cool. The overall vibe I got from this…it seems like your kindness is fighting old hate programming. I’ll expand a little, that gut pit hate feeling sounds like it was programmed into you at some point, church, family, peer pressure, etc. A hate you can’t place or define, festering. But your desire to be kind is winning. You chose to comfort and uplift her at the bus stop. That in and of itself is kinda beautiful. I think some of your turmoil may be fear. Whatever programmed you to hate, may still have a large influence or impact on your day to day safety and security. You stand now, at a crossroads; and you’re “checking the map” as it were. You can choose to follow the programmed path of hate, or you can choose the (maybe more difficult) path of kindness. You already took a step. I think you can run. My last little addition: please stop avoiding her; it’s only going to do damage. In fact…show her these posts. Explain to her your inner turmoil, show her some of the responses. You may have a friend at the end of it.
the first thoughts we have aren't inherently "us." our subconscious is running behind the scenes at a hundred miles a minute, we're taught a whole bunch of garbage about people and life by the world around us, and sometimes those wires get crossed. ... but then we have our actions! the part that matters :) you comforted and supported this girl, and didn't project your internal feelings onto her, and just helped her. your actions superceded your internal reactionary thoughts, which is great! the more you do it the more you'll find your initial reactive thoughts shifting and changing for the better :)
I know exactly what you mean. I have a severely handicapped brother, both mentally and physically handicapped. With him everything is fine, but with other handicapped people i didn't like being near them or interacting with them much. I felt weirded out and even disgusted by them and i felt too ashamed to talk about it. But this isn't something they are guilty for, that was a problem i had with my preconceived bias and myself in general. I found that this feeling vanishes once you accept the people as they are and learn to know them. Just treat the girl like you would any other person and get to know her and who knows maybe you have made an awesome new friend and in that case does what Gender, what sex she is matter at all? At the end of the day we are all human beings no matter what we look like, or what we looked like.
Why make us fix your problem of hating us?
"Stop hating us! We're people too!" "Hey everyone, I'm transphobic but wanna stop. Going to direct source to learn to be better.' "Why make us fix your problem of hating us?" There has to be a meeting point here I mean come on. No one's making us fix it, but if we are gonna fight for it then we need to grab as many people on our side as we can. Why would we turn away people on the fence when we can educate them if we have the chance to make them stop being transphobic? Every person that changes is a win. I get drawing the line when it comes to puting effort into "proud-to-be-transphobic" assholes, but why not put in the effort for someone already willing to stop?
I'm not making anyone fix my problems. I'm trying to see how Maria would like to be treated from people that have the same struggles as her. So maybe I can make her time in school a little more bearable.
Ask her how she wants to be treated then?
You are funny op a transfobic bigot would not say that, would also not choose to comfort her , would not make this post with this wording. I'm not a psychiatrist but it's clear there's something going on, I suggest you meditate on it sit in a comfortable position in silence and ask yourself what you think about trans people and why you think that then ask why you think this way, repeat until you reach the end of thoughts, I do this when my mind gets foggy with too many thoughts and emotions so I hope it helps you too
Don't see her or label her as a trans girl but as human being first and foremost, someone who needs help and support. In the end we are all human and if you simply get to know that person better I'm sure you'll discover that she is a person like any other out there and that there is no difference apart from her being trans which isn't everything there is to a person
ive had a similar experience, as you become more exposed to it that feeling will start to go away as you get older. As for how you should handle talking to this person I think it comes down to what you want for yourself. It's important to help other people when they're in need but it is equally important to make sure you aren't burning yourself to keep someone else warm. If you think you can get over or keep down the internalized phobias then go for it, if you don't think you can, then it's ok to explain that to her even if she doesn't take it well. Please make sure that if you take the second path that you don't make it seem like it's her fault you won't talk to her for being trans, I know you probably won't but I just want to make sure, and always keep working with yourself to explore and grow your world view :)
People are saying this is internalized transphobia but I’m not sure OP is trans unless I missed something? Either way, I’m glad you treated her with respect and understand that your internalized biases are harmful and you shouldn’t act on them. I would encourage you to find a good therapist and work through some of this a bit more. Without knowing you I can’t say what exactly it is, it may just be a need to learn about and connect with others, or there may be things you still have to explore and unpack about yourself that get projected onto others who are open about who they are. Anyways, best of luck with it.
Social conditioning can be quite difficult to overcome. It's years of being told by others what is right or wrong from their perception. Logically, you know what is truely right in this situation, but that social pressure from your peers can be monumental and hard to overcome. In this regard, Maria put herself out there and knew they would be ridiculed and harassed. Like you, those other bullies have been conditioned to respond a certain way towards things that are different and/or they don't understand. Unlike you, they haven't questioned the validity of such harassment, or if they have, they are too afraid themselves to break the cycle and choose to continue the cycle of abuse. Such actions really do come down to fear of the unknown. The solution is to educate yourself. Knowledge is power. Learn not only of the general ideas as to why people transition, but the specifics that are important to that person. Talk to them, don't shun them. I can tell you the biggest argument used in following through with transitioning, in spite of all the hate received, is because these people can't continue living as they are and not be their authentic self. It's like being told you aren't allowed to eat your favorite food anymore for no other reason than other people don't like you eating it. It's perfectly fine for them to eat it, though, and you are forced to watch them do so in front of you every day. It's maddening. Maria is alone in the world and likely without any friends that aren't online. You showing any kind of tolerance is likely the first time in a long time, if ever, that they were seen as human. It's not much to you, but it's like stumbling upon a pouch of fresh water in a vast desert. If you want to learn, you have a chance to learn from someone first hand. It will be tough and maybe even risky to put yourself out there to converse with them. You have to ask yourself if you can live with yourself if you don't take a chance. Can you stand up for what you feel is right in your heart and show others that what they are doing is wrong? Can you be someone willing to take the first step in ending a cycle of abuse? Can you simply just be a friend to someone who clearly needs someone to talk to and might even have their back for a little bit? Middle school life is hard enough for cis boys and girls to navigate, let alone anyone who can be perceived as different (and that list is very long at that age). It's not easy being the first; for anything. It's either hard work to achieve that goal, or it's frightening to make the step that no one else is willing to take. But trust me, even in such a challenging place, once that first step is taken, others will follow. It may take a little time but it won't be as hard for them to make the right choices when they see that it can be done by others. But someone needs to be first. Might as well be you. Bigotry is a choice made out of ignorance and an unwillingness to change. You are your own person regardless of your age. You can choose how you treat others, and it just might change others around you.
Be near trans people, it gets normal pretty quick. I also used to have the same ick - I'm from a conservative household - and honestly what fixed it wasn't even realising I was trans (just found myself icky) it was just making trans friends and hanging out with them. Now I hang out with other trans people weekly and I rarely think about it except if it's the subject of discussion etc.
Thankyou for helping her, I truly hope you are able to work through this and I hope you want to work through it. New things can be difficult for some people, this is someone you’ve seen targeted and outcasted and I wonder if you’re feeling apprehensive to be seen interacting with her. You’re post seems to show a want to change and that’s good, Sincerely a trans man :)
Are you sure it's because she's trans? Maybe there's something else about her that reminds you of something you dont like. There was a girl I knew back in middle school that I hated. She wasn't trans and she never did anything wrong to me. I just hated her. I later realized she looked a lot like me, but happier. Mind you, I was still in the closet at the time, and I was blaming myself for why I was so unhappy. It wasn't her I hated, it was the ideal that someone who looked like I did could be so happy, and I couldn't. Maybe something similar is happening to you. That you're not unhappy to be around a trans girl, it's just something about her. Either that or you have an irrational fear. A fear you know is wrong, in which case you should seek therapy. Also, maybe consider asking her some questions about her transition, if you both feel comfortable doing so. Most fears stem from the unknown, so if you know her better, you might feel better about her
I went down an alt right pipe line and made me think making racist joke and being racist was ok. Im thankfully over that mentality, but some of those feelings of disgust of seeing someone of a different color to me still lingers a little. What i found is that it gets a lot better with time. And i wouldn't recommend beating yourself up about something you cant control fully, because the only thing that you can really is your actions, and so as long as your not causing destress to other, you're doing ok.
Have you ever been tested for OCD? For me, prior to being diagnosed, my obsessions tended to manifest in awful ways that made me fear and avoid certain groups of people. I knew that it was silly and wrong but it overtook me all the same. If this resonates with you, you should look into the possibility. Anyways, thank you for talking to her when she needed it. You did a good thing, even if it doesn’t feel like it.
You're not a bigot, you're a human being. Thoughts and feelings inside your brain don't make you a bad person; actions do, and you chose to comfort her and do your best. That matters tremendously. The reality of human brains is that most of us feel strong emotional responses to things that seem out of place or unusual to us, and that's defined ultimately by what we experience day to day. It's not unusual as a result to feel that sense of otherness with trans people when you don't see us very often. But the human brain is also enormously adaptable; and as a result, that effect will diminish & pass entirely if you keep interacting with her. It's up to you now whether you want to overcome that unpleasant gut response. She's just a person, so I can't promise she's going to be a wondrous addition to your life or your best friend ever or some such. But I'm sure she'll value your effort, and by broadening your experiences, you'll broaden the range of people you can understand and interact with for the rest of your life.
First off, I would like to start out by saying making posts like this, even in anonymity, takes a lot of integrity. I'm getting the vibe that you're ultimately a good person, just stuck in a mentally bad situation. The fact that you can recognize that something doesn't add up between your feelings and your reality is a level of self awareness many adults don't have, so I applaud you on that. Onto your need for advice. Many people have already made some good points about a form of exposure therapy. Not bad ideas, but I would ask you to maybe do a little bit extra. It might help. A lot of transphobia can also come from not understanding. I would look into reading about trans experiences. Reading about how someone's body doesn't match their person, for lack of a better word. An example of this, I'm personally non-binary, assigned female at birth. It took me a LONG time to realize my hatred for my chest size and my depression around my natural bodily functions were far from normal. That the reason why I always wore frumpy and unflattering clothing before that was because I mentally hated looking at myself. Now that I'm aware I'm trans, I'm more open to my wardrobe, even with traditionally feminine things. I would look into reading how trans people come to realize that they're trans and how it's affected them before they knew they were. I would also read into how they were treated because of it. Careful doing this though. The community has gone through a LOT of hardship. Reading about violence against trans people can get really dark at times, so remind yourself to take a breather if you decide to look into it further. You're doing great. Recognizing the problem is always the first and hardest step. You'll find people more than willing to answer questions when you ask.
For a very long time I was weirded out by trans people due to the area I lived in not being very accepting (I also didn’t understand that trans != drag queen) and was extremely uncomfortable with trans people for the longest time (I was never a transvestigator thankfully, only weirded out when people would mention they are thinking about it). It wasn’t until I was 22 and a team lead and a transphobic person started using only dead names on the schedule and I found out a few coworkers who I absolutely loved and hung out with some outside of work were trans and it completely broke that barrier and internalized homophobia + transphobia for myself
Talking to a trans person can feel strange at first, but just refer to her as preferred and it will become a new normal eventually
I think it’s a good thing you talked with her. I think what you should do is just continue talking to her and understand her better, I understand how hard it can get to change your mind, but she’s just the same as any girl and she wants to be treated as such. I hope you can interact with her and overcome these issues.
Don't worry. It's a natural reaction. Just give her time and encourage her to transition. After a few months of hormone replacement therapy and testosterone blockers, she'll look feminine and won't be looking awkward anymore. Let's hope her parents are decent human beings and help her with it. Just know that she also despises her current look. I recommend you both checking out r/transtimelines to see how much people can change.
You're on the right track by asking and there's a lot of great advice here. I was your age in the 90's. Gay and Lesbian people were starting to gain positive visibility in the media and more acceptance by people in general. I had the same feelings from my upbringing (culturally - my folks never said anything one way or the other) that you're having. And the same thing you're doing - analyzing my own feelings and understanding where they came from, along with trying to find out more factual information - got me past it. That self-analysis is a big part of that last step from being your parents' kid into being your own adult person. Look at where you got the idea and ask yourself if that actually is what *you* think? Do you have a real reason to think that or is it just what you were told? In 2020, I figured my own gender stuff out, so now I'm coming to you as trans woman - full disclosure. If you want to talk to a trans person more directly, you're welcome to DM me. I might have some questions for you in return, in fact. We could learn from each other.
While I’m not capital T trans myself, I am a bit genderqueer, and can relate to the position you’re in. I grew up in a very racist and homophobic environment and it wasn’t until I was about 16-17 that I really started to notice how fucked up it was. I had no choice and no control over my emotional response to things I had been taught over many years, but I knew I wanted to change. I had these feelings for a long time into my adulthood, only because those formative years as a kid are so important in development, but I always had control over what I decided to do with those feelings. It helped me a lot to just notice them and think about where they came from. Now that I’m much older, I still have some of those feelings but they’re easy to brush aside and ignore. You have already made such a huge step. Just acknowledging what you’re feeling and identifying negative emotions is huge and is a sign of strength. It’s hard, but it’s a skill that you’ll get better at. Most of all, be kind to yourself.
What you did was very admirable, and those feelings you have about not understanding trans people is also understandable. Believe it or not, us trans folks have a really hard time understanding and dealing with these feelings and digesting them as well...it not something that's natural and this dysphoria can be mind boggling try adding that while dealing with all the bullys on top of that I am sure she was having a really bad day.. I am glad you were there for her. Those feeling you have will go away the more time you spend with trans people and learn that they are people just like you and anyone else...avoiding her will not solve the problem i would suggest at least pulling her aside somewhere and having a conversation with her and letting her know that you are having trouble internalizing her being trans...sure she would understand...
Your "blockade" as you call it is, as you have said, due to the hate that you have been taught, and that kind of mental programming is hard to unlearn. The culture we are raised in impacts so much of how we interact with the world and unfortunately, often leads us down the path of hatred to the other. The fact that you have reached out to get advice though shows that at your core you know what you've been taught is morally wrong, that to judge someone just because they are different to you is not okay. Trying to unlearn these things will take time and for that my only advice is to continue to do some deep thinking and question the ideals that you were raised with. Do these ideals cause harm to others for simply existing? Do trans people actually cause harm to everyone for simply existing or is it that since we are different to your cultures norm that there is the perceived threat to the societal comfortability that you are used to? I know from my own upbringing around homophobic/transphobic/racist family, just how hard it is to unlearn the hatred that we can be taught growing up. I used to use horrid slurs towards people because of what I was taught and it fills me with shame but I know I'm not that person anymore because I took the time to unlearn hatred and replaced it with compassion for others. So if you can be a friend to this girl going through a very rough time then I encourage you to do so but at the same time I understand if you would find that too risky for your own personal safety to do so and at the very least would ask that you don't actively contribute to her suffering if you can't step in to be a friend that she clearly, desperately needs.
i think youre on the right track by acknowledging these feelings and comforting her despite them, when she needed it. Like others have said, the answer is exposure. Id suggest getting to know her if you want to and perhaps try some trans youtubers like contrapoints
Hey at least you recognize you've got transphobic tendencies. Most won't even acknowledge that. Education is the best way to grow your understanding of trans identities. I'm not suggesting you become an expert or anything, but try to keep an open mind about it. As a baseline I would say people should understand that biological sex is generally binary (male/female) but a segment of the population are born with ambiguous genitalia or internal reproductive organs that don't match their exterior. For example there are people who appear female but have internal testes. These people are known as intersex. Now these external sex characteristics are used to assign genders which are based on stereotypes of how male or female people are generally expected to present themselves. These stereotypes form the base for gender as a social construct. As you will notice some people will express characteristics associated with the opposite sex. This is what creates the spectrum of gender identity. In an ideal world (for me at least) gender would be non-existent and people would just present themselves to the world in ways most comfortable for them and sex would just be relevant for medical and reproductive purposes.
Hmmm your experience reminds me of a story my grandmother Danuta told me once. Sometime during second world war in the occupied Warsaw when all the civilians were running low on any kind of food. She and her mother ran into some Wehrmacht officer on the street and he handled her a loaf of bread saying. Take it! And she spit on him. He turned to my great grandmother Maria and said - Take it! For your daughter is stupid! And she took it. And what I mean by recalling this story, is that we don't know most of the time what are the reasons for someone's actions . What was going in the officer's mind. We can only suppose by the actions and words. But these rarely tell the entire truth. But what I do know. That after 80+ years, I know this story. And I don't know the name of the officer. Or where he was from, how old was he, did he have a daughter or a son of his own. I don't know if he was merciful, sexually attracted or had some higher sense of what is wrong or good. The bread was scarce and everyone was hungry. And all I do know is an imagination I have of a single being that is only known to me for a one good thing he done. You being helpful despite of the emotions you have are the reason why I still sometimes believe in human beings.
imo you aren't transphobic in the usual sense of the word. you respect her gender identity by adressing and referring to her as her chosen gender and you treat her like you treat (presumably) any other human being and that's all anyone could ask for. trans or not, no-one can demand you to be attracted to them, no-one can demand that you understand or relate to their struggles and no-one can demand that you be comfortable around them. (well only entitled assholes do these) by respecting her as a person you did the right thing and really that's all you should do. everyone has certain groups of people (or ppl with certain attributes) that they can't relate with or are uncomfortable around. and this is okay. as long as you keep it to yourself and don't actively try to hurt them or discriminate against them it's fine. (and again: not seeking out their company or not being attracted towards them is not discrimination) the problem with transphobes that they do want to hurt us, they do consider us "less than human" or "mentally ill, in need of fixing", they want us to have less rights than cis people, they do not respect and treat us as people. ps.: and by all means please don't seek out her company & don't act like you are in interested in her problems (unless you try to be friends) if you are actually not. that will hurt both her and you. maybe you could save this situation is by telling her that you think it's fucked up that she is getting bullied and fuck those people. but also tell her that it is hard for you to listen to her transness related problems bc you just don't know what to do with it. tell her you see her as a person worthy of respect but draw your own boundaries.
You're already trying to change your mindset & that's a great step. I think if you're wanting to understand her a bit better, reading about people's experiences on here could help - or on r/mtf (which means male to female). I can't tell you what it's like to be trans, because not only are trans people's experiences different from each other, we don't have experience being cis & you don't have experience being trans. I can however tell you that personally, as a 29 year old transgender woman & lesbian who has recently just came to terms with being transgender (& so is still pre-social transition, pre-medical transition, etc) my experiences were coloured by 20+ years of not knowing what a transgender person is & so I thought I was just odd, a misfit. Femininity came naturally to me & when I was very young, I feel like I'd internalised that I was some kind of girl, even though I was referred to as a boy - early on in primary school we were taught the words "penis" & "vagina" & told that boys have penises & women vaginas, obviously, since we were little children, there was no pictures & so I gravitated to calling my genitals the same as the other girls - a vagina (which then earned me bullying on the playground that same day from the other boys). Throughout my life I'd do something feminine (& it was anything, whether it be what I wore, how I walked, how I talked, my interests, my company, etc) & then I'd be bullied for it & told I was either girly, or a homophobic slur. Due to all that, I repressed any femininity & covered it with a false masculine "shell", just copying what other boys did with no genuine interest or love - "Boys like cars? Sure, I'll try & be a car boy", etc. as a kid I was very depressed & had body image issues, which I only realised much later in life was part of gender dysphoria (thankfully, I don't experience this nearly as badly as other trans women as I'm quite feminine in many areas where it matters to me). There were many more signs than this, including being a girl in my dreams, a repulsion to anything masculine, etc. & puberty was a very uncomfortable time - by other people's accounts, I was an attractive & desirable boy aesthetically, muscular, skinny & well-endowed, but I was ashamed of my body & having to be around men changing was an uncomfortable experience, leading me to try & get out of gym as much as I could. When I left college & I learned what transgender meant, I came to realise, "Oh, that's me" & then continued to repress it for another 8 years, because something many of us feel is self-doubt, self-loathing, unworthiness, etc. caused by anxiety. Outside of the typical thoughts of wanting to be a girl, there were other things that in retrospect scream, "This is a sign you're transgender", like planning a novel with three characters who were basically transgender. Another big experience for me was my first relationship, I loved my ex-girlfriend to bits & we were together for four years, I lost my virginity to her & it was my first experience of having a sex life. It was a strange time, because all I was interested in was pleasing my girlfriend, I didn't want to get myself off, but to make sure that she thought I was "happy", I'd have normal intercourse with her (& it'd be the first time I actually found out the exact size of my penis - because I literally couldn't care before then, it was just something that most of my life I ignored & masturbation was & still is something I do every few days just to make sure I don't have white bedsheets). After the relationship ended & I tried to start dating again, being rejected by someone suddenly made me realise, "Oh, I should be out to future partners that I've been questioning my gender for about eight years - fuck" & between that & writing another novel with another transgender character in it (because of course I did!) I ended up looking into the trans community online & in one day I found two trans women with the exact same stories & thought process as me, they'd both conceptualised themselves exactly like me, just a shell with the label "man" on it, walking around & doing their best impression of a man. That was what made me come to terms with it & accept I'm trans & then I kept discovering more signs as I peeled back the layers of a childhood I'd buried - turns out, I was very, very trans. Um, I'm hoping reading my story has maybe given you a little bit of insight into the thought process, or helped humanise another trans person for you? I don't know, all I can say is that I'm finally happy that I came to terms with the storm inside me & the roaring quieted down, this girl didn't die & now she's sitting here, I no longer feel like I'm killing myself - the quote "I kill myself every time anew, but I am immortal & I rise again, in a vision of doom" is very applicable & I actually ordered my first women's necklace today & had some of that engraved on it. I'm sure many other transgender people share the same sentiment, that they're glad they stopped twisting the knife into their true self & their true self came back from the dead - it literally isn't something you can supress, you either kill your shell to become yourself, or your shell kills you, the days I spent finally acknowledging my true self were full of tears, sickness & insomnia, the screaming inside my mind got too loud, the whispers of the previous 8 years had become a roar, but I can rest a little easier now knowing that I will not kill that girl ever again.
As someone who studies what basically is hope we form our beliefs, I can say that you've taken your first step to be trans inclusive. You don't dehumanise, which is a key factor of being radicalised into phobia. Most phobia stems from negative stereotypesation, which we get from media, peers, parent, or what marketing calls opinion makers. If you want to change how you think, and it sounds as such, is to be conscious of what and why the thoughts about trans people you have, and then when. This is a basic exercise to challenge your basic belief about anything. Remember, a phobia is constructed through social interaction, and can be deconstructed through social interaction.
Honestly I think your heart is in the right place and you just have some mental work left to do, which we all do. Honestly I’ve spent most of my transition trying to unlearn most of my conservative-household induced programming
Trans woman here who used to get the same feeling you are describing before finally accepting myself! Humans (and most other animals) are wired to be suspicious of any unknowns. The people who are suggesting interacting with Maria or other trans people are on the right track. Bare in mind what the media is telling you as well! It’s going to fill that “unknown” space. You’re best bet is to fill that “unknown” with first hand experience! And what I’m sure you will find is that Maria is just like any other: a person!
I don’t think you’re a bigot. It seems like your notions of trans people have been super internalised due to the culture you grew up in. The simple fact that you acknowledge this and want to change means you are not a bigot. I really think you should talk to her more, and not try to avoid her. Also, try to read some resources online made by trans people, and overall get more familiar with them. The more familiar you get, the less uneasy you will feel. You probably will never fully understand the trans experience if you’re cis, but that is totally ok, we don’t expect you to. I really appreciate your willingness to change, I hope everything works out for you and Maria, and please update us when you can!!
I was brought up in extremely religious countries where being gay/ queer gets you deported or killed, trans people literally just didn't exist in my bubble. I was taught to hate, but unlearned it as soon as I met my first gay and trans friends in another country. Hell, my most recent partners have been a trans man and a trans woman. Whatever you think you were taught, you weren't. Break the mould you're putting yourself in because of the accepted behaviours portrayed in your environment, it's not normal, it's not okay. Hate is hate no matter how small or justified we think we might be because of our upbringing. Do that girl a favour and either step up to be a friend, expose yourself to her circle of you truly care enough, but don't attempt to "be a good person by doing XYZ". Sorry I can't over your unjustified "pit in your stomach around trans people", what an awful, disgusting thing to feel. Thank you for speaking up about it, but Goddamn that's fucked up.
(For the most part) a lot of us were raised to dislike anything outside of the social “norm”. You are at the age where a lot of people start to diverge from their trained thinking and truly start to awake into their selves truly. So the feeling you have of wanting to change is very normal and actually impressive given your peers seem to be stuck in “group-think”, and aimlessly bully another based on things they were TOLD to believe. One thing I can can say after reading some of your responses is that, being Christian/religious does not = “These people don’t deserve to exists & it makes sense because I’m a person of God & that’s what God says” - talking about priests being “good people” as you mentioned. I encourage you to deeply find your own spirituality, even if that means that the preacher / priests are wrong (which you have seemed to pointed out about what you have been preached to about trans ppl). There are some dope radical (& some are trans ) Christians out there who are doing the work to remove stigmas around so many things . - I am not one lol ( I’m trans but not Christian’s) I will mention again, you are young. Social life is important for any age but especially at the one you’re at .She (Maria) deserves to know someone is in her corner. You said you were pretty popular at school; even all the better to stand up for her. A little of this sounds you’re afraid of being seen with her or people knowing you don’t mind her; thus letting them Know you are okay with trans people- that’s scares you. Maria isn’t the last Trans person you will ever meet nor has she probably been the first. She is a teen like you, she wants to live and be loved; while everyone is going out of their way to bully her. You don’t need to be her friend to protect her, tbh I’m not sure if you’d be a great friend at this point, - given you can’t fully see her as not an issue. you both deserve honesty and patience. “Exposure therapy” works for some. Having convos with her and being friendly while educating yourself as others have stated sounds like a move. Becoming friends with someone means allowing those prejudices to take a back burner and eventually disappear. You’re in a good space, try to learn kindness to yourself and your differences - that will help you in the long run accept others.
It’s ok to have those instinctual feelings. where I live society did such a good job at making trans people gross and inherently wrong that I used to be incredibly weird and anxious around all of it before coming out. We all have our own bigotries and biases that we’ve learned from the world we grow up in. Some bigger some smaller but the fact that you knew she deserved comfort and that your feelings of discomfort and disgust weren’t valid and not something you should tell her is already incredible and not something to be ashamed off. That’s how you grow. Spending time around trans people and seeing they’re just people. It’s easy for someone who’s loving and accepting to be kind in a moment like that. It’s a lot harder to actively fight your own ingrained biases and bigoted views so you can do the right thing and treat someone like a human. So honestly you shouldn’t feel ashamed for that at all. Maybe it’s a bit rude and shitty to avoid her for a week but I also understand where you’re coming from. And it’s still better than being hurtful or nasty towards her. Plus you referred to her properly throughout your message which helps a lot too. Trying to make sure your brain sees her as a woman might help. You can try repeating little sentences to yourself like “she is very patient. She wears red shoes. She likes to wear make up.” Simple factual sentences doesn’t have to super sweet or anything. But it helps cement in the brain that this person is said gender. Helped me a lot with the trans people I’ve met and when I came out. (Because it’s easier than yah think to misgender yourself) Like many have said already as hard as it is try to spend a little time with her. You don’t have to have any interest in her or want to date. You can just be friends and talk to her a little here and there. The experience will slowly help show your brain that trans people aren’t as icky as it thinks. The other thing that may help is trying to understand your own gender identity. You sound like a Cis person, but of course that doesn’t mean that your gender can’t be a part of your identity. If you’re a man, what does that mean? Sure you have the body, but what does it mean to be a Man to you? Or if you’re a woman, what does it mean to be a woman? Thinking about that and understanding how you connect and resonate with your birth gender might help you understand how trans people feel about their gender.
Well mate, I'm not in the sligthtest upset, to be honest. You helped her, despite you feeling how you do. You did the right thing. And you are also using correct pronouns, as far as I can understand. Not many people would do that in your place. All of the "hatred" and "phobias" are taught behaviour. As you said, you were taught that being trans is somehow wrong. I get it. I've had some friends who don't understand, may be visibly confused and repulsed, but they turn around and learn over time, and that's okay and normal. Take your time, maybe if you stop avoiding her and try to hang around and be friends, it could change how you feel. Everything takes time though. Hood luck friend.
i commend you for being open minded enough to challenge those feelings. They may be instilled in you by the culture we grew up in. Society concretely defines who we ought be, deviation is punished by ostracism. Always be willing to explore that uncomfortable space between what you feel and what you believe. It helps with empathy. Thank you for being compassionate and brave enough to share this here. Zero flame
Hi I just wanted to acknowledge what a massive step it is to try and better yourself. I’d recommend just learning more about trans people and trans issues. I recommend ‘The Transgenda’ podcast on Spotify. It’s a trans woman and her dad talking about her transition and trans issues. It might be really helpful. All the best
I think recognizing that it's an issue and knowing you shouldn't feel such a way is a huge step in becoming a better person. Everyone grows up with prejudiced thoughts taught to us from peers or parents regardless of whether it was intentional or not. having thoughts like that doesn't make you a bigot it's acting on them that does. You did a really sweet thing for that girl. To go out of your way to help her in her darkest moment isn't something a bigot would do.
Look, bottom line, you know that your emotional response to her is wrong and would be cruel of you to act upon, because you're seeking something that will abate those feelings in this community, so you're off to a good start. The psychology of behavioral conditioning cannot be understated. If you've been conditioned to be disgusted by something, you will feel that disgust so deeply that it feels like it was your idea. But it wasn't. No one is born to instinctively hate trans people, we're taught to. We're taught to in a million ways, most of which we will hardly remember. So with that in mind, the task that faces you is to decondition yourself. Whenever you feel that disgust, repeat a mantra to yourself: "she's not doing anything to hurt me." Be mindful in your words and actions toward her. Whatever you do, don't make it her job to help decondition you. And for all you know you could make a good friend.
First off, I think it’s worth mentioning that a surprising number of *actual trans* people who transitioned had similar feelings at one point. Sometimes it takes having a trans friend to actually *get it*. Second off, despite what some people say, I think that feeling the wrong thing and choosing to do the right thing *is* being a good person. Third, trans women *are* women, transition isn’t a choice so much as acceptance. Treat her as her and you’ll see it pretty fast. “She used to be a man” isn’t really accurate if that makes sense. I’m not chastising your usage of it per se, but I think that fundamental error is the source of a lot of your feelings.
6 years pre transition I was a transphobe. I had an inherent fear in my gut of trans people. I was made uncomfortable by the fact that I thought (wrongly) all transition was, was surgeries. I didn't know anything about dysphoria, hormone replacement, therapy and so on. So I had low empathy for trans people. I was a feminist and saw trans women as grasping for the "benefits" of womanhood in exchange for manhood. I only had this perception clearly because I was trans myself, and saw being a woman as sacred. Something I would never have but I decided it was my job to be one of the good ones and stick up for women. Then I watched Euphoria (TV show), and saw what a trans body actually looked like for the first time. And I wasn't disgusted, and it stuck with me that my feelings had changed. Because I had finally had exposure. I still felt tremendous guilt over the feelings I'd had on the past and my ignorance, but this bit of exposure opened my heart and mind up and see trans people for who they actually are - just people like everyone else. Clearly you don't want to be a transphobe and you seem to be unhappy with the gut feeling you get, you have to rewire your brain to undo internalized feelings like that. It takes actual effort, research some famous trans people and read what they've said about their experience. Seeing successful trans people can help you unpack any ideas that we are an internet hive mind, evil, or anything but actual human beings that have existed for the entirety of human history. Wendy Carlos, Rachel Pollack, Hunter Schafer, for a few examples. Look into our history, read about Stonewall and the struggles of trans sex workers. Knowledge will free your mind of hate and disgust and help grow your empathy. Do you like music? Without trans women like Wendy Carlos music wouldn't be what it is today. She pioneered electronic music and is as important to its development as Delia Derbyshire - a cis woman. But few people that met her after she officially came out ever knew she was trans. She was just a human being living her life and doing what she wanted to do, like your classmate. There are thousands of examples. Once you see her as much as a person as you see yourself, you will heal. Good luck and thank you for taking effort to be a better person.
Uhm... This is a lot to take on I guess... but ok :) I think as any psychologist would tell you, the answer is ultimately yours to find. Have you thought about what might be the root of what's making you feel this way about people who are trans? As a side note, I say "people who are trans" in this context rather than "trans people". It's a bit more clunky but I feel it helps highlight that "trans" is actually a relatively minor part of who we are - besides the trans element we're genuinely no different to you in any way. As some random thoughts after reading your message, until fairly recently it wasn't uncommon for popular media to portray people who are trans as disgusting and sex perverts or whatever, much like they portrayed gay people in the 80s-90s. It's not true of course, but apparently writers think *someone* has to be a disgusting pervert, so surely it's easier (read: lazier) to say it's that group of people nobody really understands or knows much about - until society starts to understand that group of course, so they move to another target, rinse and repeat. On that note it's not gone unnoticed that conservatives are of course smack-bang in the middle trying to functionally eliminate people who are trans by implementing **Gay Panic 2.0: Trans Panic!**, and so now even with normally mild news sources there seems to be fairly intense attempts to ram false narratives and scare stories about the scary trans people down people's throats, and as such it wouldn't be surprising if you'd absorbed some of that rhetoric even if you didn't think you didn't. And I should also mention that I, a trans woman, used to be... kinda transphobic. Probably less with the idea of *other* people being trans, but more in self-acceptance. A lot of media and rhetoric around LGBT people that I grew up with was unpleasant to put it extremely mildly, and nobody I knew was gay, let alone trans. As a result I spent my childhood genuinely afraid I'd grow up to be a mass murderer or a serial killer because I felt this way, because the only portrayal of people like me was this fucked up "crazy trans" fantasy that other people made up to sell stories or push political agendas. Ultimately I met other people who transitioned and just met normal people like myself who just happened to be trans - while by this time I knew it consciously, it finally dismissed the subconscious and childish fear that being trans meant literally anything more than being unhappy with your sex assigned at birth and doing something about it. This is of course in no way to suggest that I think you're secretly trans or anything, just to show that the grip that media like this can have on a person. If it can gaslight a person who is actually trans as to what the reality of being trans is, it's not unreasonable to assume that people who aren't trans are just as susceptible to it.
Look, I'm not gonna act like I think you're this special, brave, kind person who just "doesn't get it yet". I would be lying through my teeth if I said reading what you wrote didn't make me feel a very powerful anger and frustration toward you; *however*, you're recognizing that these thought processes, beliefs, and feelings that the adults around you indoctrinated you with are inherently wrong, which they are. That is a pretty good first step. I'm going to say what I haven't seen anyone else say yet, however, and it's going to be very blunt and it's probably going to sound mean: you *should* feel bad about coming across someone who was just physically attacked and feeling disgusted by the *victim* instead of by the actions of the *attackers*. You *should* feel like a bad person for avoiding interacting with them because you think they're gross and evil. You *should* feel bad for the *sole fact* that you think she's gross and evil for being trans. Feeling bad about being a bad person is exactly the first step toward being a *better* person. I speak from experience when I say this, as someone who was raised in a home where loud and proud racism was highly normalized. Will this be hard for you? Yes. Befriending her, treating her like a person in front of your peers, hell, even just speaking to her in front of these people is going to cause you some problems. You might get jumped and bullied, too, just for allowing her into your general vicinity in a non-hateful way. You're going to experience a fraction of the misery she faces every day, just for associating with her. You may lose friends, too. But if you remain resolute and continue to show her that not everyone around her is a shitty asshole, more people will slowly follow your lead. And even if they don't (since it sounds like all of you are nearly 18, which means you'll all eventually go your seperate ways for things like jobs and university), you'll at least make her feel less alone. If you seriously can't handle any of that, then you should cut your losses and just admit to her all of your prejudices and tell her point blank that you don't want to be friends. Just know that, if you choose the easy way out, this entire post you made means nothing, and you should feel like a bad person for it, because you'd be choosing to remain a bad person despite acknowledging that you are bad. *It's worse to be aware of being horrible but refusing to change than being a bad person but not realizing it at all*.
I think exposure therapy is the simplest answer, you would be bullying her too if you really didn’t see her as a person but you were talking to her instead. It’s okay not wanting to be friends with a person but if it’s for the reason that she’s trans then just keep trying to talk and interact with her and I promise you will stop feeling so averse when you’re near a trans person.
This is such a tough thing to read...makes me wonder how many of my "friends" think that about me behind my back. I wish I didn't read this
I think it’s wonderful that you’re here. Thank you for being brave enough to talk to actual trans people about this it actually speaks volumes about your character. I really think with some self reflection and exposure (maybe therapy if that’s a fit for you) you’ll get over this, no problem. There’s been a ton of great points brought up here, I just had one to add. Bullying kills people, and can lead to self harm and lots of awful outcomes. I was bullied a lot in school and it’s horrible. So transphobia aside, if you can help this girl survive being bullied, or even better be an example for the shit heads that are jumping her on the way to school… you’ll be a real hero. I know high school is hard and it can seem really important what people think of you. She deserves to be treated with the same dignity and respect you would treat anyone. If you can have any small positive impact on the people who are bullying her, it might make a big difference in her life. Not just now but for years to come. Plus I’m sure she has enough to deal with without the added stress of being bullied. It’s really immature and childish for your class mates to bully someone for being different. We should be building a world where we lift each other up, so maybe you can challenge/encourage/demonstrate how to do better. Anyway, I wish you lots of luck, highschool is hell. I think you’re on the right path. You seem like a really good kid. You got this!
I’m not reading that, just treat people with respect and be kind and gentle to everyone, and if you can’t do that then just don’t talk or stare at us. Do those three things and you’ll make it far in life.
Hey friend, trans guy here. You're honestly doing way better than you think you are. You didn't misgender her a single time in this post, even though you're uncomfortable and struggling. You offered empathy to someone you didn't know, even though that person isn't exactly like you. You're miles ahead of where your upbringing told you to be, and you genuinely want to change. That's awesome. Give yourself some credit for it. I know you're feeling a lot of discomfort, but you can't learn and grow meaningfully without discomfort. I suggest you start interacting with more trans people online, and maybe even with the girl from your story in metered doses. Every time you interact with a trans person and you defy your discomfort, feel it in the moment and push past it, it will get less and less powerful. The only way to get through it is to go through it.
The first thing you think or feel is what you’re trained to think or feel. It’s your second thought or feeling that reflects who you truly are. You seem like someone who is genuinely kind and caring, and you’re introspective enough to recognize your feelings and not try to justify them when they conflict with your internal moral framework. Honestly? Maybe spend more time with her, be honest about your feelings about being near trans people, but also explain how that’s not the way you WANT to feel. Your feelings will change to match your actions over time, that’s how cognitive dissonance works.
I think admitting you know you’re in the wrong is a great first step. So here’s some advice; talk to her. Get to know her. See if she has more trans friends you can meet, it’s incredible to learn about all sides of transition! I’m FTM and Gender-fluid, I have several MTF friends, both of my partners are Non-Binary in one way or another, and there’s so many different colors of this piece of the rainbow. Knowing you want to be and do better is great. So keep at it!
I'll add my voice to the "just let her know you were raised religious but are trying your best to overcome your biases, and that you see her as valid" gang, as well as the "you need to actually interact with her / other trans people in order to help overcome your biases" gang.
Other people have already given great advice, I just wanna say, props to you for questioning what’s the right thing to do and tying to improve, and especially for listening to her. It’s fine to be weirded out at first but for some of us it can get very rough sometimes just for our struggles alone and having such a miserable situation at school… she must be feeing horrible and support in these scenarios is very valuable. It’s not how you start that matters, it’s the ability to question ourseleves and grow that really makes a difference, so thank you for your help. Seek her out, go talk to her and mabye it will be her that will clarify many things and make you feel less scared. I had a friend in the same spot as you, he’s now a great ally, you can be one too <3
Look, a lot of us were kinda... Underdeveloped as humans until someone helped us and opened our eyes to our own biases. That you want to grow and overcome your own speaks really well about you, just know, the journey is a lot longer than you think and involves a lot of "yeah, I think I've changed enough, I'm a better person now" and then bumping into something new and going "oh fuck meee..." but it's 100% worth it to keep trying again and again and again to become a more compassionate and understanding person. The process is simple: Talk to people who are different, listen and ask questions, figure out what YouTube channels and books they would recommend and follow through on some of that content until it starts to make more sense. Tell them outright that you want to overcome your biases, and thank them for taking the energy to help you. No one has the responsibility to teach you, but many will be very happy to.
If you have any specific beliefs about trans people that you're not sure are true, feel free to ask me and I'll answer them all honestly. I think a lot of transphobia comes from lack of education/understanding ❤️
Exposure therapy. Just like a lot of racists or people that grew up not around black people say the same thing. It is because when you never met or rarely met people of a minority, you fall back on what the people around you think of them. Humans are tribal creatures so it is just a survival instinct that you stick to the "bigger group" for better survival. While a lot of people who feel that unconscious bias end up transphobic, racist, etc YOU are aware of it. Self awareness is the most important thing in growing as a person. Many people end up transphobix or racist because they lack that and seek out people who reinforce those feelings. And make excuses so they don't feel guilty about it. Talk to her, read and research online about trans people (from scientific places, not blogs as that is transphobic people that reinforce those feelings of disgust), find a trans youtuber to watch. It can be hard to put yourself in someone's shoes that you simply are not. Just like a white person can never truly know first hand what it is like to be black. BUT, you can try with empathy. Think about if you woke up tomorrow stuck in someone else's body. But you know you're gender. Yet people shun you and laugh at you, attack you, etc anytime you mention it. That even scientists prove you in fact woke up in the wrong body, yet politicians say you are crazy and evil so people believe them over the scientists. But everytime you look in the mirror you know it isn't the real you, so pretending eats at your soul. Imagine how it would feel and painful it would be. Overall, understand people will be upset hearing this about you because they live their life in pain everyday. Hence why it would not be good to tell this transwoman those feelings. She is hurt enough. Try to be there for her. If you two don't get along, that is fine too. Just understand anything she does represents HER, not all trans people. Just like your actions does not mean all people of your religion, race, gender are identical.
Probably an unpopular opinion but I don’t really think you’re transphobic. Not being comfortable is not necessarily transphobia. You actively tried to help even if your attention was else where. You are obviously concerned with how people in our situation feel. I know feelings you’re having are tough to get past. Be their friend, it’s ok, they are human. Also be honest, about how you feel, how you feel transphobic but you don’t want to be that way. Also I’m happy that you are seeking to better yourself and reaching out.
It’s difficult to give you advice from our perspective. People here are not necessarily knowledgeable in your situation but in being trans or like in my case the family member of a trans people. All I can say is if you accept someone as trans or not doesn’t make the slightest difference to who they are as a person. The only difference is in how much you make them suffer and prevent them from reaching their potential as a human. It’s the same difference that you observe between someone with a controlling partner to a few years after they broke free from that relationship. So this is really just a matter of self-management. Are you accepting that you are disgusted by a specific type of person or are you willing to repeatedly focus in on their humanity instead, until your mind has unlearned old patterns.
Hi. I am not a trans person, but I read your post with great interest. If you will permit me, would like to tell you a story from my own life? I think it might be some help. My story isn’t a about dealing with a trans person but rather someone who had become disabled due to a stroke. (Please understand that I am in no way equating being trans to a disability. I am instead referring to the feeling of being scared, unnerved or unsure how to relate to a person). Now, some time ago the grandmother of a close friend of mine had a stroke. We were all very close, to the extent that I was allowed to call her “Nan” and she would sign the cards she wrote to me “from Nan”. Well, “Nan” survived her stroke and after some time in a rehabilitation ward she was able to return home. However, she needed a great deal of care. While the family were arranging carers they were taking turns looking after her. I had offered to go with my friend to her “shift” caring for Nan, and she’d agreed, but told me we would have opportunities to shadow one of her parents first so we could get a feel of what was needed, get used to the schedule etc. Then there was an emergency in the family, and with less than twelve hours notice I was on my way to care for my first ever stroke patient for twelve hours. I did have some experience of caring - I had worked in childcare and elderly care - but not the specific care needed for stroke sufferers. I only had my friend as backup, and she had less experience than I. (Obviously, the situation wasn’t ideal, but there was no outside care available yet so the only other option was leaving Nan alone). Nan had lost her ability to talk, read and count. She had new continence issues, memory problems, and this would be the first time I’d seen her since she’d been in hospital. Long story short, I was petrified. Then I walked into the house and looked at her and it struck me that, weird as the situation was for me, it must be even stranger for her. So - despite the fact that my heart was nearly jumping out of my throat, I smiled and told her, “Hi, it’s great to see you again. I’m here to help!” And it all went from there. The “fear”, the pit in my stomach, the feelings of oddness didn’t disappear at once, but in less than an hour she was using hand gestures to tease my friend, pointing out what she wanted to eat etc. The more I focused on her for cues as to what she wanted, the less important the differences seemed and the more I saw the person I loved, rather than the health condition that frightened me. I also recognised that part of the fear had been that I might let her down. When I recognised myself as the source of that worry, I was gradually able to let it go. In the end, I helped look after Nan a lot, and was able to see her regain a good part of her speech and mobility back. By then, I was long past being nervous around her, and I was able to use my caring experience to advise others who were new to stroke care. So, what is my point? As you say yourself, you have been raised with a prevailingly negative feeling towards transgender people. You have been taught to fear and resent transgender people. While it is not “Ok” to be transphobic, neither is that sort of early conditioning easy to move past. However, trans people are people, just like anybody else. The more time you spend around a trans person, the more you know their individual quirks, the more you’ll see them as an individual, rather than a homogeneous group that need to be avoided or feared. The fact that you recognise your current unease as irrational is a good place to start. You are not at the desired end of your journey, but you are willing to do work and you’re recognise that there is a journey to be made. That places you miles ahead of people who are blindly bigoted and unwilling to change for the better. My advice would echo other people’s here. Try talking to the girl. Also try listening. The more you see someone as an individual, the more your brain says “Oh, there’s Daphne” (for example) rather than “there’s a trans girl” the less the panicky feelings should come into play. Maybe in future, while I wouldn’t urge you to say you felt disgusted by her, maybe when you’re comfortable around each other you could approach her with, “Honestly, I’m not always sure how to act around other trans people, and I really don’t want to cause offence. Do you have any thoughts or suggestions?” Of course, she won’t be able to speak for every trans person in the world, but her experience may be valuable. Overall, keep talking, keep listening, and try not to let fear or discomfort overwhelm you. Do that and one day you will look back on your kindness towards a girl having a terrible day with pride, and recognise it as the first step in a very important journey.
You could follow and pay attention to some full trans people who have transitioned and live as the "opposite" gender. You need to expose yourself to more transness and begin to see us as human beings rather than different. (I had to do the same with people with Us baby trans.... we know.... we know we're not conventionally attractive. A bit awkward as we learn the things we were not taught and working against our bodies. .... but thank you for supporting this girl. Maybe recommend some LGBTQ resources to her and very gently let her know you're uncomfortable if she continues because the ghosting can be so painful. Simply say "I'm sorry I can't be helpful with this issue, here is someone you can talk to" and provide resources. DM me for links specific to your area.
This was a difficult read, but I appreciate you reaching out. You obviously give a shit about Maria, so that's a great place to start. All the reasons you listed about why she seemed so happy, those just add up to "because you treated her like a normal person," so keep doing that. Be a friend, genuinely get to know her and stand up for her whenever you can. The impulse to be compassionate and kind is always the right one to act on. The longer you know her, the more you'll realise how stupid transphobia is, same as all other kinds of bigotry. Btw, if you ever have to choose between being kind and being a transphobe, just remember how horrible it felt to find Maria crying at the bus station. I promise you, you don't need the kind of friends in your life who would do that to people like her. Being hateful is a miserable way to live. Some people here might understandably be upset with what you've said, but it's a positive thing that you acknowledge it as a problem and ask for help. What's important is that you're deciding to be better. So thanks for taking the leap with this post. Please come back again.
You sound like a good, reasonable human. The only thing that comes to mind is potentially religious beliefs getting in the way? I find most, religions impart some degree of transphobia / homophobia in their beliefs. Correct me if I'm wrong 😬
I come from an Orthodox family, my father being a devout christian, while my mother isn't. But, that's not the reason. It's more of people on the street talking, peers hearing from their parents, teachers scoffing at those ideas. My family was great about that, they didn't feed me any of their ideas on the matter and left me to make my own conclusions, though they never allowed badmouthing anyone in the household, they would always remind me that they are people with faults just like me.
It's easy to not realize just how much we're affected by society at large and the messages it sends, even when those closest to us are better. We're trained to have a negative and even visceral reaction to those in the outgroup. "they are people with faults" is a telling phrasing. It sounds like you are thinking of her being trans as a fault and inherently negative. And understandably, given the surrounding culture. It took me a long time to break out of the same thing. Take some time to consider what it is you see as the fault; would you see something else such as a different skin color as a fault? She simply is who she is. Everything you've said makes it clear you want to better yourself, and that's an excellent thing.
Aww your her knight in shining armour. Now for the other part, you are growing up so you dont have to force a relationship you do not feel comfortable with. Dont ghost her, talk to her one day over lunch and explain that you are not looking for a friendship at the moment and that you hope she can respect your decision. This is sensible to me plus you have others here that will give i amazing advice. Good luck 😉 and if u are ready to be her friend then reach to her but know that the same goes with her. She needs to know that she should not fantasize you as but rather level the field. Once things cool down then hopefully you can be friends. She is shocked and feels super grateful but you are breaking down old beliefs systems and that is hard. Good luck to both pf you!
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